Stopping the spats: tackling sibling rivalry

Why do my children keep fighting? Katy Gosset looks at all the conflict, competition and general chaos that ensue when kids live under the same roof.

Why do my children keep fighting? Katy Gosset looks at all the conflict, competition and general chaos that ensue when kids live under the same roof.

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It's one of the longest relationships we'll have with anyone so why don't we show the sibling bond a bit more love?

Instead the connection between brothers and sisters is often fraught, beset by fighting and jealousy.

Clinical psychologist, Catherine Gallagher says people often prioritise romantic relationships or those with their peers or children and the sibling relationship was taken for granted.

Yet, she says, while our brothers and sisters can be "the bane of our existence", they're also a source of great fun and huge support.

"The sibling relationship is the longest relationship that we will have in our lifetimes so it's really worthy of attention and often doesn't get much."

Except, of course, when there's fighting involved, and that is when it really grabs parents' attention.

" often when people will come to me about this stuff, in terms of "How do I deal with this stuff?" because it can be hugely triggering for parents."

A good starting point for understanding why children fight is to imagine how great the change could feel for a child when a new sibling arrives, she says.

"This little sister is going to make loud noises, poo a lot, take attention away from you. They aren't old enough to play with and Mum and Dad suddenly seem tired and grumpy."

Gallagher says all these things would take time for a child to adjust to even if a family was well prepared but the process can help build resilience.

"Adjusting to siblings can be a good model to be exposed to because it's one of many changes child's going to have in life."

And the whole business of getting on with that tiresome new brother or sister can help develop skills such as sharing, conflict resolution and coping with frustration.

"It's actually OK and, in fact, essential for our kids to be frustrated and sibling relationships are full of frustrations. So you could see as a great space to explore and experience feelings that are important as a growing human being."

And there are some lessons too for parents about how to understand sibling rivalry and manage it better.

Tips for sibling harmony…

Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details