Talk to the hand!

What to do when your child talks back. Katy Gosset talks to parents and a child psychologist about "oppositional behaviour" and tackling the 'tude.

What do you do when your child talks back? Katy Gosset looks at tackling the 'tude in the second episode of Are We There Yet.

We've all had it. Whether it was a slammed door, a "you're not the boss of me" or just a big, fat "no".

As parents we might know it as attitude, 'tude, back chat or talking back. But, for clinical psychologist Catherine Gallagher, it's oppositional behaviour.

And she says kids know just how to dish it out.

"They learn what your hot spots are and they'll use them mercilessly. That's not because they're evil - they're doing it because it works."

First up, let's clarify just what oppositional behaviour is. Ms Gallagher says, in short, it's doing the opposite of what someone has said that you should do.

"Things like talking back, digging your toes in and not doing the jobs, or going on the go-slow or arguing back: all of the above."

And for parents it can be maddening.

"There's the slamming doors and they'll just go off to their room and we'll say, 'Well, if you do that one more time I'll take your door off your hinge,' and then there's more aggro," one mother of four told us.

"You just have to draw a line in the sand and let them know it's not acceptable," a father of two said.

Ms Gallagher believes some of the tension arises because parenting is such a personal business.

"These little creatures, we love them to bits. So, when they look at us like we're a piece of poo on their shoe and 'how dare you even say that' and 'I don't love you' - all of those things that kids can provocatively say because they know it's going to hit a mark - it can be incredibly challenging."

But, she says, the reasons behind this kind of conflict can come as a surprise to parents.

"Sometimes oppositional behaviour can come from 'I just don't know what to do'."

It's easy for parents to assume a child is refusing to do an activity because they simply don't want to do it, she says.

"In actual fact, it might be, 'I'm not ringing up that friend on the phone because I'm anxious.' Or, 'I don't actually know how to do that. I never practised ringing someone on the phone. What do you say? What might they say?'

"So oppositional behaviour can come from a lack of skill."

Ms Gallagher says it can also occur when parents put unrealistic expectations onto children…

Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details