Why lie? Parenting advice on how to stop kids fibbing

When kids start lying parents start to worry. But how concerned should we be? Katy Gosset tries to get to the truth about what's happening when kids tell fibs.

Lies, lies and porky pies. Most children are dishonest at some stage and it drives parents crazy. Katy Gosset talks to a clinical psychologist to get the lowdown on lying.

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It was on her son's Instagram account that Alice* first noticed some talk about fireworks.

Knowing she had some in the garage, she poked through the box and commented to him that they seemed to be a bit short.

He replied she "must have counted wrong".

"I said 'So what fireworks were you playing with that you were bragging about on your Instagram account?' and the face just dropped."

Laughing, Alice recalls the moment her son realised he had been "caught big time".

That was "one of the doozies" but he'd lied before and, when confronted, said he thought he'd be in less trouble if he concealed the truth.

" well, you're actually in more trouble now for lying than you would have been for the original sin... So lying is not something I tolerate."

Yet clinical psychologist Catherine Gallagher said this scenario was actually pretty common.

"Don't panic... It's a normal part of development."

Up until the age of four children had no theory of mind, meaning they believed everyone knew the same things, she said.

"So it means that, if I know that I'm hiding those Jaffas in my pocket, then you know that too because, in fact, we don't really have separate minds.

"So I'm not going to lie because what's the point?"

However, once children realised they were separate from their parents, they became less truthful, in part, because they lacked an adult's moral compass, Ms Gallagher said.

"Children aren't mini-adults so we can't hold them to a similar standard with behaviour or moral judgments."

They were learning about relationships and the world and would invariably make mistakes, she said.

"Things hold different meanings for them and lying is a great example of this."

Adults were aware that being untruthful could harm relationships and were able to keep those consequences in mind.

"Kids are far more concrete and, if I don't get caught, well, was it really that wrong?"

Young people were also great gamblers, Ms Gallagher said…

Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details