Speaking Out

We hear three stories from people who have worked through shame or embarrassment towards "really wonderful sunshine" on the other side.

Content warning: In this episode of BANG! we hear the story of a survivor of sexual abuse.

In this episode, three people open up about personal experiences that shame or embarrassment have prevented them from sharing. One of them is Henry*, who approached BANG! to talk about premature ejaculation.

Henry remembers really clearly the first time it happened to him. He was 18 or 19 and in a relationship with a slightly older woman who he cared for and trusted. One day they went for a walk that ended up back at his house, where they decided to have sex. He put on a condom, she climbed on top of him, but almost before they began, it was over.

"It was... like holding a water balloon in my hands, and I really wanted to have fun with it and it just slipped out of my fingers and smashed all over and some of it got on my pants," he laughs.

Between two and five percent of men report experiencing premature ejaculation (PE), though the term isn't well defined. Generally it refers to an 'intervaginal ejaculatory latency time' - that's the period from penetration to ejaculation - lasting less than two minutes. But some men who ejaculate quickly don't see it as an issue and some who take longer than two minutes still think it happens too fast. In one Australian survey nearly a quarter of men said they believed they "came to orgasm too quickly."

Because it's not widely discussed, those who experience PE can feel a lot of shame.

"Embarrassment almost isn't the right word for it it touched at a deeper place about self worth," Henry says. "It's more a crushing, 'I'm a terrible person and why would anyone wanna be with me?' kinda feeling."

Edit Horvath is an Auckland-based therapist specialising in sex therapy and relationship counselling. She sees a number of men about PE and erectile issues, and says an increasing number of her clients are younger men.

When it comes to treatment, Edit first looks into any potential biological issues that may be contributing, and teaches exercises which can help extend the time before a person ejaculates.

But she also spends a lot of time looking into her clients perception of the issue. After all, there is no universally accepted view of a 'right' length of time for sex, and sometimes the real problem is inflexibility in the way we view sex and physical intimacy…

Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details