March 29, 2021 • 27 mins
Everybody loves Ray, but no one knows his true heart and enduring neuroses better than Anna, his adorable wife of over 30 years. They met working at a bank in Queens, long before he was famous, and she is still the anchor that keeps his world — and occasionally his ego — firmly planted on the ground.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:14):
Pushkin. Hi. I'm Phil Donahue and I'm Marlowe Thomas, and
we're going on a series of double dates to find
out what makes a marriage last. Our date in Los
(00:40):
Angeles with Ray and Anna Romano involved a little more
staging than we were used to. That asked us to
meet at a hotel near their home. So we got
there a few hours early, and rather than sit in
a noisy lobby, we booked a room, ordered room service,
and then proceeded to rearrange all the furniture until the
setting was just right. Once they arrived, we all rated
(01:02):
the mini bar and everyone ate M and M's while
Marlowe struggled with the recording equipment. That has to I
can't believe you're doing it at all. Yeah, those are.
But then when you press this button, does it like?
Because it's something supposed to like, but I don't think.
Let's see here, but you sorted it out like a chance, Yes,
(01:24):
you had you had it upside down. Okay, well that's funny,
that's kind of my personality. We finally settled down to talk. Well,
first of all, you guys met how we worked together
at a bank bank. We were bank tellers, we were
really young, and I was bank teller. Oh, I think
I started there when I was eighteen. He wasn't there yet.
(01:46):
I started working there when I was twenty five. I
lived at home till I was twenty nine. Wow. Yeah,
so I drove my bike to work. I was pretty
much like not the new stud guy working at the bank.
Yeah when ye, when he started there, there was a
bunch of young girls. We all worked there, and we're like, oh,
there's a young guy starting here, yeah, you know or whatever. Um,
(02:10):
and then he strolled it on a bike. I was
just at late by the way, always ten. I should
back then. It wasn't going to change about two years.
And I left after two years, right, And then I
asked her out after I had left the bank. Yeah,
that's why I wasn't working anywhere. But little footnote she
(02:32):
was the third girl I asked out at the bank.
The first two said no, trust you get well, why
did you live at home? Was that like an Italian thing?
It was part that, But I think everyone in our
neighborhood stayed home till they were married, most most of them,
I would a lot of my buddies didn't move out
(02:56):
until they got married. I just happened to get married later.
But also I was kind of nowhere in my career
or what I wanted to do. I had dropped out
of college and I was kind of in nowhere land
until he met me. It all came together, and when
I met her was the same time I also started
(03:17):
doing stand up comedy. I always tell her she took
a gamble because she went out with a guy who
lived at home and rode a bike to work, and
now she has her own movie theater. Okay, all right,
will you deserve it? Yeah? Thank you, believe me. Well,
what was it about him? I mean, did I want
(03:39):
with a guy? Yeah? You know, honestly, I think it
just grew from a friendship into a relationship. So I
think we were friend he became friends, and he was
funny and he was kind and sweet. He really was
an easy personality. You know. We didn't have any expectations
when we were dating. It wasn't like and we just
(04:01):
kind of did it. It was like what Rocky says,
and U what's the home side of Rocky? It fills gaps.
He was, I got gaps, She got gaps. Together, we
filled gaps. I think that's true with us. We filled gaps. Yeah,
and so you didn't. So he looked like he was
going nowhere, so you could be Yeah, I didn't. I
(04:22):
didn't care. I guess it didn't matter. I didn't have
but to be. But to tell you the truth, I've
always said this, she would be happy if I was
a plumber, if a plumber made the same amount of money. Yeah, well,
you weren't looking to fix things up at the time.
I was like twenty seven. I guess I was about
(04:44):
a year and a half, two years into my stand up,
so it's still very early, still very early. I'm still
I'm still not making a living. I'm doing it at
night and I'm working with my friend who owns a
futime mattress company during the day. I never had the
idea this is going to be my career stand up
when we started dating, I just love to do it,
(05:04):
and I just kept doing it. You musn't trusted something
about him, right, He It was funny and he was
just kind. You know, he's just a good person. I
haven't heard the words yet. Did you did it take
you when you started dating to get married? Two years? Yeah?
(05:26):
Two years? Yeah, But I think we were both ready
to be married. I remember one time. I don't know
what the reason was, but I got jealous somehow. It
was the first time I felt like this, and I
don't know, I just felt like it kind of crossed over,
you know, for me. But I think we just both
(05:53):
had the same goals without really even talking about it.
You know, we both wanted kids and family, and that's
what we really wanted, so everything else was a bonus.
You know. It wasn't like a It just evolved. It
wasn't a shocking me proposing in her. No, No, it
just was a slow realization that that we both agree
(06:19):
we want to get married. So having lived with your
mom and dad all that time and he moved in
for the first time for yeah, I used to do
stories about that in might stand up. These are jokes,
but but these were true. Like day one when you
move in with someone is a crucial day because you
(06:39):
know there's decisions to be made on day one that
you don't think are important when you're living on your own,
like what side of the bed do you get? And
I thought that was trivial, and then I realized that's
your side for life right there, And I blew the call.
I didn't I didn't look at the TV. And yeah,
(06:59):
I think we were also brought up the same way
where his mom did you know, took care of the
man in the mouse. My mother very italian Us, But
I didn't do a lottle. First little launcher I ever
did was was when I got the TV show. I
had to come out of here by myself, and I
remember having to call you and say where do I
put the thing and whatever? Yeah. Yeah, so I think
(07:22):
we had a lot of the same background, so we
kind of just fell into our roles, which I wish
we didn't fall into those roles because I do everything.
But yeah, it wasn't like all of a sudden living
on my own. It was like I was still being
taken care of. That's the thing that you know, the
fact that you're both Italian and my mom was Sicilian.
(07:43):
My father's lemonade and there was a lot of screaming
in our house. Yeah. Bill always said in his house,
everything was very quiet, you know. Yea, his parents didn't fight.
I was a great shock to him because I'm because
you're a fighter and gonna hear it right away and
I'm through with it in three minutes. He on the
other hand. Yeah, I think that's it too. We get
mad and then it's over. You know we're done. Well,
(08:06):
how do you fight? Do you fight the same way?
We fight the same way? She yells at me normally
when we have a disagreement, I get loud, you getting
loud to me. I don't return it because I know
I'm always the one in trouble, so for me to
flip it on you, like, I don't think I have
(08:27):
the right, I'm glad I'm always the one. I think
she's also very good at um. Like I'm quick tempered
and I'll get mad and I don't think things through
and he'll be like, okay, all right, all right, calm
down for a second. You're the one that comes and
makes about Do you ever apologize after you've started that
or No, he's a one that you don't apologize to
(08:47):
each other a couple of times. I mean, it has
to be a big fight if it's stupid little fights. No,
we don't really apologize. We just get over it and that.
But even like not to go back to my act,
but it's all about a guy is always trying to
score points with his wife. And what I've what I've
(09:08):
realized is this game where we're trying to score points.
We're always behind. We're always behind. You never feel you
have to score points with me. I always I guess
I don't do anything wrong. No, no, it's not that
you don't do anything wrong. It's not. It's that you
do so much more good. You know where I feel like,
(09:29):
if I see the guy selling the flower on the corner,
you know, let me get it and bring it home
because it'll score some points. Where she doesn't feel that
she's a she's a head and points. Well, I think
that's true. Well, listen when I was doing my show
and all that, she's the one home with the four kids,
and she's the one and I'm the one going on
the road and going to wherever to film and going here.
(09:52):
Of course she's ahead and points. You know, she's the
one holding the fort down and I'm paying for the fort.
But thank god, that will. So trust is a big thing.
So trust was up a thing you guys had to
work on. You had that, Yeah, we had that. I
(10:14):
think for us it was he became the Hollywood star
and I really was like the stay at home mom
and I didn't have a career. I didn't have I
was not in this business. So I stayed in Queens
for the first season and he moved out. So he
was living with his single friend who was always looking
for girls, and I told him to every Raymond, I
(10:37):
stayed in Queens with my three kids. I didn't we
only had three. Him he living with this friend of his.
I told the friend, I go, you're not allowed to
bring girls up there. I don't care. I don't care.
We're paying for the apartment. You're not having girlfriends up there,
you know, because you know, now here's a new celebrity.
I don't know what it's like. You girls, you know,
(11:00):
are looking for the next best thing. And I just
I didn't want. Of course, I don't want. I have
three little kids, you know. I I think he was
a lawyer, was very loyal, but still it doesn't even
matter that you're loyal. I worry about the other women,
the women, because they may force you to see So anyway,
(11:23):
there was a little bit of that, and maybe I
was a little like worried, but not I really I
trusted him. I really trusted phil la Ren asked my
husband out to lunch and I said, I don't think so,
I really do under the purpose. Well, the women in
my office would claim that if a female cast came
(11:44):
on to me, I didn't know what was happening. That
was good, that was a good thing. But he had
his show. Right the day after the show, she invited
him to lunch. He called me. I was in New York,
he was in Chicago. I was working and he was
working and he said to me, you know, Sophia Laurent
called me inviting me to lunch. What do you think.
(12:07):
I said, Well, if she had invited you to lunch
before she did the show, I'd understand that because that
means she wants to know. What if she invites you
to lunch after the show? Yeah, he said, yeah, that's
what I thought. I get more. The funny thing is
I get more jealous than she does. And I'm the
one in the scenes with the women here. They're not
a lot, but it's on occasion. Yeah. And I had
(12:31):
to do it with the show Vinyl that I did
about rock and roll in the seventies. It was on HBO.
It was like two two years ago, and I had
to do a scene with the threesome. So too young?
Are you're going to tell that part that the young girls,
young naked girls. Yeah, it was HBO, it was Mick
(12:54):
Jagger was producing it. It was it was on for
one season. It was about rock and roll in the seventies.
So I play a music producer or whatever, after which
she goes, all right, well, what was it like? Tell
me what the scene was like. I asked a lot
of details. I needed to hear the details. I told him.
I said, it's it's it's horrible. There's a guy there
and there's a boom mic there, and you know, we're
(13:15):
wearing protective stuff and she's sitting uh here whatever. I
was like, where's she sitting here? It's so anyway, So
that ends, and then she was in. It was in
New York. We filmed it, and then she had to
fly back to LA and I called her after the
(13:36):
plane lands and I go, how was your friend? She
said it was good. I sat next to this actor,
this young Latino actor, and he wanted me. He found
out I was your husband, and he gave me his card.
So right away, now I'm the jail. I'm like, what
do you mean he gave you his card? Question? She's like,
what do you mean he gave me his card? Because
(13:57):
he knows. I'm He goes, but why would he give
his card? I go and I kept going, and she's
getting annoyed. I go, what was his name? What was
his name? And she stops me and she goes, what
was the name of a girl that sat on your
coricks them up? Oh god? I did this movie with
(14:18):
Christmas Stofferson and we're in bed, you know, kissing and
whatever and whens and the scene was literally four minutes long.
And when the movie was over, he said, head is
the longest fucking love scene I've ever seen in my life.
We'll have more. After a quick break, we're back to
(14:52):
our conversation with Ray and Anna Romano. They've been together
for more than thirty years, not an easy thing to
do in Hollywood. So Marlowe asked, what's the glue that
keeps them together? It's that we're compatible. She's this person
on this person. I'm this person who performs, and part
(15:12):
of me needs attention and this and that that doesn't
threaten her and she doesn't feel neglected by that, you know,
and especially in this business, the pieces have to fit
that way. I feel like he needs that attention from
other people. All I want is the attention from my family.
I don't really need it from it and me, and
(15:34):
she doesn't even get it from me as much as
I should not yet she you Catholic Italian. Yeah, the
father and all that. You know, my father was very undemonstrative,
and it was just hard to show anything like that.
But you know what, I don't even think it's only
that because I notice. I think it's genetic. I think
(15:56):
it's something you're born with me. Maybe my father never
said he loved me to me. Never, So I go
out of my way to make sure my kids don't
feel that. But even when I do, it doesn't roll
off the tongue. It doesn't come natural. Yes, but I
do it, but so I feel self conscious doing it.
(16:17):
So they pick up on that a little bit. You know. Well,
my kids are now, they now say I love you. Yeah,
it was hard, hard, Yeah. Yeah. Was it hard for
you though to tell them? Yeah? Yeah, it's weird of
just some people. Yeah. The first time you told me
he loved me, we were in Chicago, near his home.
(16:39):
We were taking a walk and he said to me, Okay,
I'm going to play a card here for it, play
a card here, I said, yeah, he said, I love you,
I said, that's a card. He's trying to see if
you're trying to see if I can get it out,
because his parents never said I can come natural. My
(17:02):
parents said I love you all the time. We cried.
My father cried all the time for everybody, very right, right, Yeah,
it was completely different kind of Well, how about the
first time we kissed. Yeah, so the first time we kissed,
he drove me home to my mom's house and we
made out in the car. So we were done, and
(17:24):
I don't know what, you know, I don't know what
to do next week. So I look at him and
he literally is not looking at me. He can't even
look at me. He's looking straight straight ahead, and I'm like, um, okay,
so I'll see you tomorrow. I don't know you'll call me.
I don't know. It was so awkward. Ye afterwards was awkward,
but during it was fine. You know, So, what have
(17:47):
you learned from being married this long that you would
pass on? Well? I think you shouldn't decide until you
know the person totally, you know. I think by the
time we decided, you knew who I was and I
knew who you were. But we were together two years,
where some people date ten years, they get married and
(18:08):
then get supporting. And I never understood showing that, you know,
so what's the big surprise. Yeah, I don't know. What
about stress? Who handles it better? We stress over different things.
That's the problem. Why I'm worse is because I stress
over things that you really shouldn't. You know, I'm neurotic.
(18:29):
I'm the neurotic one. I'll stress over you know, what's
this bump, what's this thing that guy he hates me,
you know, stuff like that. But constantly all day there's
something you know I am. I'm neurotic. I'm I'm a hypochondriact.
I'm a pessimist, and I obsess over things where she
(18:50):
stresses over things like yeah, I stress over like real things,
and that's when I am the rational one. I stress
over the kids, you know, if they're not working, they're
not going to school, or it's just the real life
things where he's just obsessed over a little Yeah. Well,
there's a there's a great saying that a good marriage
people don't go crazy at the same time. We go
(19:11):
crazy at the same time. So when he panics, I panic,
and when I panic, key panics and I've been trying
to really work on that, which is when he panics,
I really try very hard not to and he tries
not think we do that. I think we do that
pretty good. Interviewing other people about marriage is really interesting
(19:31):
because every time we do, we get in the car
and say, well, do we do that? Do you do?
You know? One of the things we were thinking through
is about what we really get from the other that
we just can't get anyplace else, and not love and
sex and those things, but other emotional things. And I'm
a very self reliant person. I'm very resourceful and tough
(19:52):
and all that. But when I get blue or down,
only one person can make it better, and that's Phil.
He will talk me out of where I put myself.
And one of those people who always feels I said
the wrong thing somewhere and did you see that person's face?
I mean, I really, why did I say that then?
Because are you kidding? You're the most interesting person at
(20:12):
the party. Are you crazy? You know? He'll just bring
me all the way from zero up. So I'm trying
to figure out how that If there's that in U guys,
I think, well, I get what I get from her
is the truth. You know, in this business where everyone
either is phony or kissing her ass. You know, I
know that's not going to happen with her. She's just
(20:36):
gonna tell me the truth and not be mean about it.
But it's exactly what I want. You know, you can
count on it. Yes, perfect example. And when Everybody Loves
Raymond premiered, I was in LA and she was home
with the kids, and so to celebrate, we were going
to go to Vegas, me and Kevin James, my buddy.
(20:56):
And when I told her We're going to Vegas, she was, oh,
you're going to Vegas. I'm meantime, I'm home with the kids.
I go, but my show premiered, and I was kind
of being mockingly cocky, you know, I was saying, do
you understand what is happening right now? I'm being broadcast
in front of the whole United States? Okay, thirty million
people are going to see me tonight. You know, I'm
(21:17):
just trying to be annoying whatever. I'm going to be
a star tomorrow, And to which she said, You're still
the dick I married. That was so wonderful. We had
such a great time with ray and Anna. After we
(21:38):
wrapped up. We realized we had completely forgotten to ask
about one very important experience that they had gone through together.
Days later, we called them on the phone to hear
the story. So, were you alone when you got the news, Anna,
or were you was rayed with you with the doctor?
How did it happen? Well, the kind of caused this
(21:59):
found a lump, So we did a mammogram and they
found something. I picked up the phone. You were crying
and I thought immediately thought it was my father because
my father was was close to to leaving our Yeah,
and then you told me that ye yeah, yeah, yeah,
I got I was very upset. And then you went
(22:22):
for the biopsy. Yeah. We had to wait a whole
weekend to get the results. And then when we got
the results, it was like Monday morning. At night, Monday morning,
we were together because we were waiting for him for
them to call. You know, yeah, we called from the bathroom.
I remember, we were in the bathroom. You know, it's
very nerve, you're nervous. All weekend. We were hosting a
Super Bowl party. That weekend. We had fifteen fifty at
(22:44):
least people over our house and we just had to
you know, uh, through it. That's sure. That was very scary, Yeah,
very very But we were first trying to say, look,
let's not let's not think it's anything until we know
it's something. You know that. I think it was like
nine am on a Monday they called us. You know,
first we kind of got emotional and um, but then
(23:09):
we immediately wanted to didn't want to waste any time,
you know. I remember I had to call my manager
and cancel. It kind of hit me then when I
had to tell him why, Um, I was in my member,
I was in the closet, and I got a little.
I got a little. It overtook me a little bit.
So at that moment when you got the phone call,
(23:29):
they said, um, so it is breast cancer. And of course,
you know whatever, I'm going to get emotional. I know,
wouldn't I'm getting emotional listening to it. I don't know.
I think when you get the news just well, I
think I was all weekend just trying to convince myself,
well it's not it's not going to be that. You know.
(23:51):
I hadn't mind you. Ray is such a hypochondriac. He's
always like, I think I have stomach cancer. I think
I have this cancer. It's funny, because it's not funny.
But I did say to him, I go, you're the
one who always thinks who have cancer. I never do,
and I'm the one who gets it, you know. But
I'm glad it was me and my youth because at
least I guess I'm stronger maybe in that, I don't know.
(24:15):
It was a very emotional period because the also the
day you had your surgery was the day my father
passed away. And I remember, Yeah, we were driving to
the hospital, you know, at like I don't know, six am,
and my mother in law called us to day they
think today is going to be the day that he passes.
I don't know. And while you were getting prepped, my
(24:38):
mother called me and told me he passed away. And
then and then I saw you before you went in,
but I didn't tell you. He said, how'd you father?
But I didn't want to tell you then. But then
we kind of, you know, we made like a connection
and a feeling that my father kind of went to
a place where he could look over you. Yeah. Now
(25:02):
I'm getting emotional and make sure that everything goes well
for you. You know, it's a lovely thought. Wow, I
learned how strong she is, you know, and and I
learned you know, I'm not the most tremonstous demonstrative man.
Um Anna knows this about me. Yeah, but yeah, when
(25:26):
something like this happens and you face the fact that
you may lose someone like this, it's kind of uh,
it shines a light on how much you love this person,
and U and I should say it. I should. Yes.
The reason this marriage works is because thankfully, um she
(25:51):
knows I love her. And you know, some women who
have to hear it out loud, it's not gonna go.
It's not gonna go that well when you're married to
a guy like me, you know. Well, it's pretty clear
how well it is going between Ray and Anna Romano.
And it was such fun hanging out with them. It
sure was. Until next time. I'm Phil Donahue and I'm
(26:13):
Marlo Thomas. Did you start telling her you loved then?
Now a couple more times? Double Day is a production
of Pushkin Industries. The show was created by US and
produced by Sarah Lilly. Michael Bahari is associate producer. Musical
(26:37):
adaptations of It Had to Be You by Cellwagon, Simfinette,
Marlo and I are executive producers, along with Mia Lobell
and Letal Molad from Pushkin. Special thanks to Jacob Wiseberg,
Malcolm Gladwell, Heather Faine, John Snars, Carly Migliori, Eric Sandler,
(26:58):
Emily Rostek, Jason Gambrel, Paul Williams, and Bruce Klucker. If
you like our show, please remember to share, rate, and review.
Thanks for listening.
Pushkin. Hi. I'm Phil Donahue and I'm Marlowe Thomas, and
we're going on a series of double dates to find
out what makes a marriage last. Our date in Los
(00:40):
Angeles with Ray and Anna Romano involved a little more
staging than we were used to. That asked us to
meet at a hotel near their home. So we got
there a few hours early, and rather than sit in
a noisy lobby, we booked a room, ordered room service,
and then proceeded to rearrange all the furniture until the
setting was just right. Once they arrived, we all rated
(01:02):
the mini bar and everyone ate M and M's while
Marlowe struggled with the recording equipment. That has to I
can't believe you're doing it at all. Yeah, those are.
But then when you press this button, does it like?
Because it's something supposed to like, but I don't think.
Let's see here, but you sorted it out like a chance, Yes,
(01:24):
you had you had it upside down. Okay, well that's funny,
that's kind of my personality. We finally settled down to talk. Well,
first of all, you guys met how we worked together
at a bank bank. We were bank tellers, we were
really young, and I was bank teller. Oh, I think
I started there when I was eighteen. He wasn't there yet.
(01:46):
I started working there when I was twenty five. I
lived at home till I was twenty nine. Wow. Yeah,
so I drove my bike to work. I was pretty
much like not the new stud guy working at the bank.
Yeah when ye, when he started there, there was a
bunch of young girls. We all worked there, and we're like, oh,
there's a young guy starting here, yeah, you know or whatever. Um,
(02:10):
and then he strolled it on a bike. I was
just at late by the way, always ten. I should
back then. It wasn't going to change about two years.
And I left after two years, right, And then I
asked her out after I had left the bank. Yeah,
that's why I wasn't working anywhere. But little footnote she
(02:32):
was the third girl I asked out at the bank.
The first two said no, trust you get well, why
did you live at home? Was that like an Italian thing?
It was part that, But I think everyone in our
neighborhood stayed home till they were married, most most of them,
I would a lot of my buddies didn't move out
(02:56):
until they got married. I just happened to get married later.
But also I was kind of nowhere in my career
or what I wanted to do. I had dropped out
of college and I was kind of in nowhere land
until he met me. It all came together, and when
I met her was the same time I also started
(03:17):
doing stand up comedy. I always tell her she took
a gamble because she went out with a guy who
lived at home and rode a bike to work, and
now she has her own movie theater. Okay, all right,
will you deserve it? Yeah? Thank you, believe me. Well,
what was it about him? I mean, did I want
(03:39):
with a guy? Yeah? You know, honestly, I think it
just grew from a friendship into a relationship. So I
think we were friend he became friends, and he was
funny and he was kind and sweet. He really was
an easy personality. You know. We didn't have any expectations
when we were dating. It wasn't like and we just
(04:01):
kind of did it. It was like what Rocky says,
and U what's the home side of Rocky? It fills gaps.
He was, I got gaps, She got gaps. Together, we
filled gaps. I think that's true with us. We filled gaps. Yeah,
and so you didn't. So he looked like he was
going nowhere, so you could be Yeah, I didn't. I
(04:22):
didn't care. I guess it didn't matter. I didn't have
but to be. But to tell you the truth, I've
always said this, she would be happy if I was
a plumber, if a plumber made the same amount of money. Yeah, well,
you weren't looking to fix things up at the time.
I was like twenty seven. I guess I was about
(04:44):
a year and a half, two years into my stand up,
so it's still very early, still very early. I'm still
I'm still not making a living. I'm doing it at
night and I'm working with my friend who owns a
futime mattress company during the day. I never had the
idea this is going to be my career stand up
when we started dating, I just love to do it,
(05:04):
and I just kept doing it. You musn't trusted something
about him, right, He It was funny and he was
just kind. You know, he's just a good person. I
haven't heard the words yet. Did you did it take
you when you started dating to get married? Two years? Yeah?
(05:26):
Two years? Yeah, But I think we were both ready
to be married. I remember one time. I don't know
what the reason was, but I got jealous somehow. It
was the first time I felt like this, and I
don't know, I just felt like it kind of crossed over,
you know, for me. But I think we just both
(05:53):
had the same goals without really even talking about it.
You know, we both wanted kids and family, and that's
what we really wanted, so everything else was a bonus.
You know. It wasn't like a It just evolved. It
wasn't a shocking me proposing in her. No, No, it
just was a slow realization that that we both agree
(06:19):
we want to get married. So having lived with your
mom and dad all that time and he moved in
for the first time for yeah, I used to do
stories about that in might stand up. These are jokes,
but but these were true. Like day one when you
move in with someone is a crucial day because you
(06:39):
know there's decisions to be made on day one that
you don't think are important when you're living on your own,
like what side of the bed do you get? And
I thought that was trivial, and then I realized that's
your side for life right there, And I blew the call.
I didn't I didn't look at the TV. And yeah,
(06:59):
I think we were also brought up the same way
where his mom did you know, took care of the
man in the mouse. My mother very italian Us, But
I didn't do a lottle. First little launcher I ever
did was was when I got the TV show. I
had to come out of here by myself, and I
remember having to call you and say where do I
put the thing and whatever? Yeah. Yeah, so I think
(07:22):
we had a lot of the same background, so we
kind of just fell into our roles, which I wish
we didn't fall into those roles because I do everything.
But yeah, it wasn't like all of a sudden living
on my own. It was like I was still being
taken care of. That's the thing that you know, the
fact that you're both Italian and my mom was Sicilian.
(07:43):
My father's lemonade and there was a lot of screaming
in our house. Yeah. Bill always said in his house,
everything was very quiet, you know. Yea, his parents didn't fight.
I was a great shock to him because I'm because
you're a fighter and gonna hear it right away and
I'm through with it in three minutes. He on the
other hand. Yeah, I think that's it too. We get
mad and then it's over. You know we're done. Well,
(08:06):
how do you fight? Do you fight the same way?
We fight the same way? She yells at me normally
when we have a disagreement, I get loud, you getting
loud to me. I don't return it because I know
I'm always the one in trouble, so for me to
flip it on you, like, I don't think I have
(08:27):
the right, I'm glad I'm always the one. I think
she's also very good at um. Like I'm quick tempered
and I'll get mad and I don't think things through
and he'll be like, okay, all right, all right, calm
down for a second. You're the one that comes and
makes about Do you ever apologize after you've started that
or No, he's a one that you don't apologize to
(08:47):
each other a couple of times. I mean, it has
to be a big fight if it's stupid little fights. No,
we don't really apologize. We just get over it and that.
But even like not to go back to my act,
but it's all about a guy is always trying to
score points with his wife. And what I've what I've
(09:08):
realized is this game where we're trying to score points.
We're always behind. We're always behind. You never feel you
have to score points with me. I always I guess
I don't do anything wrong. No, no, it's not that
you don't do anything wrong. It's not. It's that you
do so much more good. You know where I feel like,
(09:29):
if I see the guy selling the flower on the corner,
you know, let me get it and bring it home
because it'll score some points. Where she doesn't feel that
she's a she's a head and points. Well, I think
that's true. Well, listen when I was doing my show
and all that, she's the one home with the four kids,
and she's the one and I'm the one going on
the road and going to wherever to film and going here.
(09:52):
Of course she's ahead and points. You know, she's the
one holding the fort down and I'm paying for the fort.
But thank god, that will. So trust is a big thing.
So trust was up a thing you guys had to
work on. You had that, Yeah, we had that. I
(10:14):
think for us it was he became the Hollywood star
and I really was like the stay at home mom
and I didn't have a career. I didn't have I
was not in this business. So I stayed in Queens
for the first season and he moved out. So he
was living with his single friend who was always looking
for girls, and I told him to every Raymond, I
(10:37):
stayed in Queens with my three kids. I didn't we
only had three. Him he living with this friend of his.
I told the friend, I go, you're not allowed to
bring girls up there. I don't care. I don't care.
We're paying for the apartment. You're not having girlfriends up there,
you know, because you know, now here's a new celebrity.
I don't know what it's like. You girls, you know,
(11:00):
are looking for the next best thing. And I just
I didn't want. Of course, I don't want. I have
three little kids, you know. I I think he was
a lawyer, was very loyal, but still it doesn't even
matter that you're loyal. I worry about the other women,
the women, because they may force you to see So anyway,
(11:23):
there was a little bit of that, and maybe I
was a little like worried, but not I really I
trusted him. I really trusted phil la Ren asked my
husband out to lunch and I said, I don't think so,
I really do under the purpose. Well, the women in
my office would claim that if a female cast came
(11:44):
on to me, I didn't know what was happening. That
was good, that was a good thing. But he had
his show. Right the day after the show, she invited
him to lunch. He called me. I was in New York,
he was in Chicago. I was working and he was
working and he said to me, you know, Sophia Laurent
called me inviting me to lunch. What do you think.
(12:07):
I said, Well, if she had invited you to lunch
before she did the show, I'd understand that because that
means she wants to know. What if she invites you
to lunch after the show? Yeah, he said, yeah, that's
what I thought. I get more. The funny thing is
I get more jealous than she does. And I'm the
one in the scenes with the women here. They're not
a lot, but it's on occasion. Yeah. And I had
(12:31):
to do it with the show Vinyl that I did
about rock and roll in the seventies. It was on HBO.
It was like two two years ago, and I had
to do a scene with the threesome. So too young?
Are you're going to tell that part that the young girls,
young naked girls. Yeah, it was HBO, it was Mick
(12:54):
Jagger was producing it. It was it was on for
one season. It was about rock and roll in the seventies.
So I play a music producer or whatever, after which
she goes, all right, well, what was it like? Tell
me what the scene was like. I asked a lot
of details. I needed to hear the details. I told him.
I said, it's it's it's horrible. There's a guy there
and there's a boom mic there, and you know, we're
(13:15):
wearing protective stuff and she's sitting uh here whatever. I
was like, where's she sitting here? It's so anyway, So
that ends, and then she was in. It was in
New York. We filmed it, and then she had to
fly back to LA and I called her after the
(13:36):
plane lands and I go, how was your friend? She
said it was good. I sat next to this actor,
this young Latino actor, and he wanted me. He found
out I was your husband, and he gave me his card.
So right away, now I'm the jail. I'm like, what
do you mean he gave you his card? Question? She's like,
what do you mean he gave me his card? Because
(13:57):
he knows. I'm He goes, but why would he give
his card? I go and I kept going, and she's
getting annoyed. I go, what was his name? What was
his name? And she stops me and she goes, what
was the name of a girl that sat on your
coricks them up? Oh god? I did this movie with
(14:18):
Christmas Stofferson and we're in bed, you know, kissing and
whatever and whens and the scene was literally four minutes long.
And when the movie was over, he said, head is
the longest fucking love scene I've ever seen in my life.
We'll have more. After a quick break, we're back to
(14:52):
our conversation with Ray and Anna Romano. They've been together
for more than thirty years, not an easy thing to
do in Hollywood. So Marlowe asked, what's the glue that
keeps them together? It's that we're compatible. She's this person
on this person. I'm this person who performs, and part
(15:12):
of me needs attention and this and that that doesn't
threaten her and she doesn't feel neglected by that, you know,
and especially in this business, the pieces have to fit
that way. I feel like he needs that attention from
other people. All I want is the attention from my family.
I don't really need it from it and me, and
(15:34):
she doesn't even get it from me as much as
I should not yet she you Catholic Italian. Yeah, the
father and all that. You know, my father was very undemonstrative,
and it was just hard to show anything like that.
But you know what, I don't even think it's only
that because I notice. I think it's genetic. I think
(15:56):
it's something you're born with me. Maybe my father never
said he loved me to me. Never, So I go
out of my way to make sure my kids don't
feel that. But even when I do, it doesn't roll
off the tongue. It doesn't come natural. Yes, but I
do it, but so I feel self conscious doing it.
(16:17):
So they pick up on that a little bit. You know. Well,
my kids are now, they now say I love you. Yeah,
it was hard, hard, Yeah. Yeah. Was it hard for
you though to tell them? Yeah? Yeah, it's weird of
just some people. Yeah. The first time you told me
he loved me, we were in Chicago, near his home.
(16:39):
We were taking a walk and he said to me, Okay,
I'm going to play a card here for it, play
a card here, I said, yeah, he said, I love you,
I said, that's a card. He's trying to see if
you're trying to see if I can get it out,
because his parents never said I can come natural. My
(17:02):
parents said I love you all the time. We cried.
My father cried all the time for everybody, very right, right, Yeah,
it was completely different kind of Well, how about the
first time we kissed. Yeah, so the first time we kissed,
he drove me home to my mom's house and we
made out in the car. So we were done, and
(17:24):
I don't know what, you know, I don't know what
to do next week. So I look at him and
he literally is not looking at me. He can't even
look at me. He's looking straight straight ahead, and I'm like, um, okay,
so I'll see you tomorrow. I don't know you'll call me.
I don't know. It was so awkward. Ye afterwards was awkward,
but during it was fine. You know, So, what have
(17:47):
you learned from being married this long that you would
pass on? Well? I think you shouldn't decide until you
know the person totally, you know. I think by the
time we decided, you knew who I was and I
knew who you were. But we were together two years,
where some people date ten years, they get married and
(18:08):
then get supporting. And I never understood showing that, you know,
so what's the big surprise. Yeah, I don't know. What
about stress? Who handles it better? We stress over different things.
That's the problem. Why I'm worse is because I stress
over things that you really shouldn't. You know, I'm neurotic.
(18:29):
I'm the neurotic one. I'll stress over you know, what's
this bump, what's this thing that guy he hates me,
you know, stuff like that. But constantly all day there's
something you know I am. I'm neurotic. I'm I'm a hypochondriact.
I'm a pessimist, and I obsess over things where she
(18:50):
stresses over things like yeah, I stress over like real things,
and that's when I am the rational one. I stress
over the kids, you know, if they're not working, they're
not going to school, or it's just the real life
things where he's just obsessed over a little Yeah. Well,
there's a there's a great saying that a good marriage
people don't go crazy at the same time. We go
(19:11):
crazy at the same time. So when he panics, I panic,
and when I panic, key panics and I've been trying
to really work on that, which is when he panics,
I really try very hard not to and he tries
not think we do that. I think we do that
pretty good. Interviewing other people about marriage is really interesting
(19:31):
because every time we do, we get in the car
and say, well, do we do that? Do you do?
You know? One of the things we were thinking through
is about what we really get from the other that
we just can't get anyplace else, and not love and
sex and those things, but other emotional things. And I'm
a very self reliant person. I'm very resourceful and tough
(19:52):
and all that. But when I get blue or down,
only one person can make it better, and that's Phil.
He will talk me out of where I put myself.
And one of those people who always feels I said
the wrong thing somewhere and did you see that person's face?
I mean, I really, why did I say that then?
Because are you kidding? You're the most interesting person at
(20:12):
the party. Are you crazy? You know? He'll just bring
me all the way from zero up. So I'm trying
to figure out how that If there's that in U guys,
I think, well, I get what I get from her
is the truth. You know, in this business where everyone
either is phony or kissing her ass. You know, I
know that's not going to happen with her. She's just
(20:36):
gonna tell me the truth and not be mean about it.
But it's exactly what I want. You know, you can
count on it. Yes, perfect example. And when Everybody Loves
Raymond premiered, I was in LA and she was home
with the kids, and so to celebrate, we were going
to go to Vegas, me and Kevin James, my buddy.
(20:56):
And when I told her We're going to Vegas, she was, oh,
you're going to Vegas. I'm meantime, I'm home with the kids.
I go, but my show premiered, and I was kind
of being mockingly cocky, you know, I was saying, do
you understand what is happening right now? I'm being broadcast
in front of the whole United States? Okay, thirty million
people are going to see me tonight. You know, I'm
(21:17):
just trying to be annoying whatever. I'm going to be
a star tomorrow, And to which she said, You're still
the dick I married. That was so wonderful. We had
such a great time with ray and Anna. After we
(21:38):
wrapped up. We realized we had completely forgotten to ask
about one very important experience that they had gone through together.
Days later, we called them on the phone to hear
the story. So, were you alone when you got the news, Anna,
or were you was rayed with you with the doctor?
How did it happen? Well, the kind of caused this
(21:59):
found a lump, So we did a mammogram and they
found something. I picked up the phone. You were crying
and I thought immediately thought it was my father because
my father was was close to to leaving our Yeah,
and then you told me that ye yeah, yeah, yeah,
I got I was very upset. And then you went
(22:22):
for the biopsy. Yeah. We had to wait a whole
weekend to get the results. And then when we got
the results, it was like Monday morning. At night, Monday morning,
we were together because we were waiting for him for
them to call. You know, yeah, we called from the bathroom.
I remember, we were in the bathroom. You know, it's
very nerve, you're nervous. All weekend. We were hosting a
Super Bowl party. That weekend. We had fifteen fifty at
(22:44):
least people over our house and we just had to
you know, uh, through it. That's sure. That was very scary, Yeah,
very very But we were first trying to say, look,
let's not let's not think it's anything until we know
it's something. You know that. I think it was like
nine am on a Monday they called us. You know,
first we kind of got emotional and um, but then
(23:09):
we immediately wanted to didn't want to waste any time,
you know. I remember I had to call my manager
and cancel. It kind of hit me then when I
had to tell him why, Um, I was in my member,
I was in the closet, and I got a little.
I got a little. It overtook me a little bit.
So at that moment when you got the phone call,
(23:29):
they said, um, so it is breast cancer. And of course,
you know whatever, I'm going to get emotional. I know,
wouldn't I'm getting emotional listening to it. I don't know.
I think when you get the news just well, I
think I was all weekend just trying to convince myself,
well it's not it's not going to be that. You know.
(23:51):
I hadn't mind you. Ray is such a hypochondriac. He's
always like, I think I have stomach cancer. I think
I have this cancer. It's funny, because it's not funny.
But I did say to him, I go, you're the
one who always thinks who have cancer. I never do,
and I'm the one who gets it, you know. But
I'm glad it was me and my youth because at
least I guess I'm stronger maybe in that, I don't know.
(24:15):
It was a very emotional period because the also the
day you had your surgery was the day my father
passed away. And I remember, Yeah, we were driving to
the hospital, you know, at like I don't know, six am,
and my mother in law called us to day they
think today is going to be the day that he passes.
I don't know. And while you were getting prepped, my
(24:38):
mother called me and told me he passed away. And
then and then I saw you before you went in,
but I didn't tell you. He said, how'd you father?
But I didn't want to tell you then. But then
we kind of, you know, we made like a connection
and a feeling that my father kind of went to
a place where he could look over you. Yeah. Now
(25:02):
I'm getting emotional and make sure that everything goes well
for you. You know, it's a lovely thought. Wow, I
learned how strong she is, you know, and and I
learned you know, I'm not the most tremonstous demonstrative man.
Um Anna knows this about me. Yeah, but yeah, when
(25:26):
something like this happens and you face the fact that
you may lose someone like this, it's kind of uh,
it shines a light on how much you love this person,
and U and I should say it. I should. Yes.
The reason this marriage works is because thankfully, um she
(25:51):
knows I love her. And you know, some women who
have to hear it out loud, it's not gonna go.
It's not gonna go that well when you're married to
a guy like me, you know. Well, it's pretty clear
how well it is going between Ray and Anna Romano.
And it was such fun hanging out with them. It
sure was. Until next time. I'm Phil Donahue and I'm
(26:13):
Marlo Thomas. Did you start telling her you loved then?
Now a couple more times? Double Day is a production
of Pushkin Industries. The show was created by US and
produced by Sarah Lilly. Michael Bahari is associate producer. Musical
(26:37):
adaptations of It Had to Be You by Cellwagon, Simfinette,
Marlo and I are executive producers, along with Mia Lobell
and Letal Molad from Pushkin. Special thanks to Jacob Wiseberg,
Malcolm Gladwell, Heather Faine, John Snars, Carly Migliori, Eric Sandler,
(26:58):
Emily Rostek, Jason Gambrel, Paul Williams, and Bruce Klucker. If
you like our show, please remember to share, rate, and review.
Thanks for listening.
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