November 16, 2023 • 36 mins
In 1993, Nick was shot in an Idaho motel room. One stranger came to his aid. Nick wants to find him.
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Heavyweight is hosted and produced by Jonathan Goldstein.
This episode was produced by senior producer Kalila Holt, along with Phoebe Flanigan. The supervising producer is Stevie Lane.
Production assistance by Mohini Madgavkar. Editorial guidance from Emily Condon.
Special thanks to Annie Minoff, Laura Morris, Lauren Silverman, and Jackie Cohen.
The show was mixed by Bobby Lord.
Music by Christine Fellows, John K Samson, Blue Dot Sessions, Michael Hearst, Katie Condon, Ehren Ebbage, and Bobby Lord. Our theme song is by The Weakerthans courtesy of Epitaph Records.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
A word of warning that today's episode contains descriptions of violence.
Please take care when listening.
Speaker 2 (00:09):
Hi, how are you doing good?
Speaker 3 (00:11):
I left you like four or five messages?
Speaker 2 (00:14):
Busy day, busy day.
Speaker 3 (00:16):
Do you remember on the Dukes of Hazzard there was
the sheriff. Do you remember what his name was? Roscoe P. Coltrane.
Speaker 4 (00:22):
Oh?
Speaker 3 (00:22):
I remember it was Roscoe. Do you remember what the
peace stood for?
Speaker 4 (00:26):
No?
Speaker 3 (00:26):
Was it Philip? Oh? My god, no, she's not.
Speaker 4 (00:35):
How do you know I was lying? How did you
know why I was lying?
Speaker 3 (00:38):
You sounded too loving.
Speaker 1 (00:47):
I'm Jonathan Goldstein and this is heavyweight today's episode the
Budget Motel. Right after the break, Nick tells me he
(01:09):
doesn't consider himself to be a writer. He works as
a landscaper, but several years ago he felt compelled to
write about an event that derailed his life. The story's
title What It's Like to Be Shot. Thirty years ago,
Nick was shot in the stomach by a coworker, a
guy named Andy. Nick was twenty one years old, and
(01:33):
ever since that day he's continued to tell versions of
what happened. In his twenties, it was a good story
to tell in a bar.
Speaker 2 (01:41):
Packaged in a way to impress girls.
Speaker 1 (01:45):
In his thirties, it became a kind of flex, something
to give him that tough guy quality he lacked compared
to the hunters and brawlers he grew up with in Idaho.
In his forties, he honed the story to the written version.
I like Nick's writing so much, asked him if he'd
read the story aloud.
Speaker 3 (02:01):
To me, Would you mind reading it?
Speaker 2 (02:03):
You want me to just start from the beginning, could you? Yeah?
Speaker 1 (02:07):
It all begins with Nick and his coworker Andy and Burley, Idaho.
They were there for an out of town irrigation contract.
Andy was originally from Burley, and so we invited some
high school friends over to drink beer in the room
he and Nick were sharing at the budget motel. I'll
let Nick take it from here.
Speaker 2 (02:25):
The guys had brought in a nine millimeter automatic for
show and tell. I wouldn't have been surprised if it
was in fact stolen or purchased illegally. I wasn't particularly
curious about the weapon, having had my share of firearms
fund growing up in Pocatel. We littered the sagebrush hills
with spent casings. I remember sitting on the edge of
the motel bed across Andy. Andy's eyes were on the gun,
(02:48):
but not downrange. I was downrange. Andy dropped the magazine,
charged the slider. It's cool to charge a handgun. It
makes a cool sound and it feels good, and about
to dry fire, but had not checked the chamber. I
leaned to the left, about to say, dude, don't point
that thing at me. Dude, damn. My first thought was,
(03:15):
damn it. We were so fired. The gun has gone
off in our room. I looked down toward my lap
and noticed the whistle of smoke coming from the torn
hole in the belt line of my pants. I reached
around with my left hand and felt a wet spot
in the small on my back. Holy fucking shit, I've
just been shot in and out right fucking through me.
Holy shit. Noting the proximity of the wet spot to
(03:38):
my spine, I quickly stood up to see if my
legs worked. They did, and he rushed the gun over
to Israel, who had brought it. Say you did it, man.
Israel quickly took a knee in front of me, trying
to get me to hold the weapon. Dude, say you
shot yourself. Fucking Call nine one.
Speaker 5 (03:54):
One.
Speaker 2 (04:01):
The police report, written by one of what Burly considered
their finest, says that I reported the wound accidentally self
inflicted upon his arrival. I remember saying I've been shot.
It was an accident, as the cop casually strolled in
with a stupid board look on his face. A lot
of the actual agony is beyond memory. I can remember
what the pain led me to think, Okay, if this
(04:23):
is the end, let's get it over already. Bring on
the dark fade or the bright light. There was no
fear of death, only the impatient anticipation of relief. I
was bawling and blubbering, like a toddler that had fallen
off a swing. Every story I'd read of soldiers slowly
dying on battlefields crying out for their mothers made sense.
(04:44):
There is a very real need for mommy that supersedes
any macho imprinting. At this level of helplessness, my pleas
for morphine were denied. Instead, I was impaled with a
catheter in my urethra and an NG tube into my
nose and down my throat. Somewhere I found in myself
a cooperative attitude toward these brutes. I even reported the
(05:08):
fact I was wearing contact lenses. As they rubbed the
orange gue on my belly and shaved my pubic hair.
They plucked out the lenses before I got wheeled into
the or. Everything suddenly got calmer there. My only company
was a gentle voice man who said, I'm doctor Lowell Feinstein.
I'll be your nfcesiologist. Just breathe into this. The nurses
(05:35):
in ICU took an icy tone with me. They weren't
going to mommy, some young man and with gunshot wounds
who probably had a coming. I did get a sarcastic ah,
poor baby when I cried during my first wound. A breadment.
That was the daily routine of stuffing ribbons of cotton
gauze into the boltholes with a long swab. Twice a day.
(05:55):
They'd pull out the gauze along with all the dead
tissue dried to it, then stuff new gauze in and
I got used to it and it became less painful.
As with most gross things about your body, you eventually
come to enjoy it, kind of like picking your nose.
The first visitor was a blurry image, not because of
the meds, but because of the earlier foolishness of having
(06:16):
my contacts removed before surgery. It's my dad who is here.
I make a crack to bring levity to the ICU,
something quick from a Western Maybe they got me pa.
Speaker 1 (06:28):
There are only tears, and here with his father's tears.
Is how Nick has always ended the story, a cut
down hero being wept over by his dad. But now
that he's in his fifties, Nick doesn't see himself as
the hero of this story at all. Instead, he sees
someone else as the true hero of that day. It's
(06:49):
not Andy or his friend Israel. They mostly seemed concerned
with not getting in trouble, and I didn't hear a
word from them since that day. You know, there was
no visit in the hospital.
Speaker 2 (06:59):
No, if I had accidentally shot somebody, I would have
been beside myself with apology and just begging forgiveness. But
I didn't hear a thing from those guys. I didn't
hear a thing from those guys either. I reached out
to both Andy and Israel to get their version of
the story, but never heard back. The cops were indifferent,
the hospital workers coldly efficient. Nick felt alone and angry
(07:23):
he'd been blamed for his own injury and then abandoned.
No one actually cared about what he was going through
at all, with the exception of one person, a friend
of Andy's whose name Nick never even caught, but who
he refers to as the kid. I didn't know this kid.
He was just in the periphery of everybody that was
hanging out. So all of a sudden, I'm shot. I
(07:46):
can just see this kid's face and he's crying, and
he's looking down at me, and he's asking if there's
anything he can do, like get me a towel or something.
The looks on other people's faces was one of detachment
and coal, like they were looking at a squirrel hitting
the road or something. And he was the one that
you could just tell he was legitimately scared, not about
(08:10):
getting in trouble, but for me.
Speaker 1 (08:16):
And you're able to in that moment, you were able
to read all of that.
Speaker 2 (08:22):
Yeah, oh yeah, I don't know. I think everything slows
down to where, you know, some things are sparkling clear. Yeah,
Like if you've ever been in a car accident or whatever,
everything seems to go in slow motion. And I just
that's the thing that still sticks with me, is somebody
(08:44):
you know, just as scared as I was.
Speaker 1 (08:47):
A kind look a towel, not exactly Superman level of heroism,
but Nick consists that because the gestures came at one
of the scariest moments of his life, and because everyone
else was offering nothing, this is something, even though it
was a small something, felt like a lot.
Speaker 2 (09:04):
And so in that moment, him and I were not strangers.
It's a feeling like I don't want to die alone,
and here's one person that's not a stranger.
Speaker 1 (09:21):
And so thirty years later, what Nick wants is to
find that kid, that sympathetic kid who cried and offered
him a towel, and simply thank him. But where the
search takes us is somewhere neither Nick nor I could
have anticipated. So we're going to do it. Okay, wow, yeah,
we're going to try to find this kid. I think
after the break, we try to find this kid. I think, Hello,
(10:00):
do you hear me? I can now more importantly, can
you see me?
Speaker 2 (10:04):
I can't see you?
Speaker 3 (10:05):
Okay, it's not more important.
Speaker 1 (10:06):
Really, I asked Nick to check in over video because
I have some news. In order to get the name
of the sympathetic kid, I contacted the Sheriff's Department and
got the police report from the day Nick was shot.
Oh wow, yeah, so I wanted to share it with you.
Nick's not seen the report since the shooting happened thirty
years ago. I send it over and once again, Nick
(10:28):
reads an account of the day, but this time from
the perspective of the police officer on duty.
Speaker 2 (10:33):
On the above date, I was sent to the Budget
motel room for thirty seven in reference to a subject
being shot in the stomach. I asked Nick what had happened.
He stated that he has shot himself while looking at
a gun.
Speaker 1 (10:44):
When the cops interrogated Andy, he also blamed Nick, who,
when pressed, came clean.
Speaker 2 (10:50):
He stated that he didn't intend for it to go on.
Speaker 1 (10:52):
Then there are the accounts of everyone else who'd been
in the room that day. There's Andy's friend Israel.
Speaker 2 (10:58):
Israel heard Andy klick the gun, wasn't sure what had happened.
Speaker 3 (11:01):
And two other guys, someone named Jason he then.
Speaker 2 (11:04):
Saw the gun in Andy's hand with an expression like
he didn't expect.
Speaker 3 (11:07):
It to go off, and someone named Jared.
Speaker 2 (11:09):
He told me that Nick had a very surprised look
on his face and that no one really knew what
had happened. We feel with the information that we received
that there was no intention on hurting anyone and that
the shooting was an accidental shooting. The subjects were released
after obtaining statements. Well, Nick had a very surprised look
(11:34):
on his face. Sure, I did.
Speaker 1 (11:39):
The names Jason and Jared are both unfamiliar to Nick,
so to our search for the sympathetic kid.
Speaker 2 (11:44):
It's got to be one of those two guys.
Speaker 3 (11:51):
So what's going on?
Speaker 1 (11:53):
Well, the following week, Nick and I talk again. This
time though Nick has reached out to me because he
has some news to share.
Speaker 2 (12:02):
It's been five days or whatever since I contacted Jared.
Speaker 1 (12:07):
After I sent Nick the police report, he spent the
rest of the day obsessing he was so close to
finding the person he'd thought about for so long that
he decided to take matters into his own hands and
do some digging. Well, Jason's last name was incredibly common,
Jared's last name was unique, So Nick typed it into
Facebook and it Jared popped up who was living in
(12:29):
that same part of Idaho.
Speaker 2 (12:31):
And it looks like he's got a teenage son that
looks exactly like my memory of what he looked like
I sent him this very generic message to throw the
line out there, like I was trying to net a butterfly. Hi, Jared,
(12:53):
you may not know me at all. That I'm trying
to find someone with your name that lived in Barely
back in nineteen ninety three, might be someone who showed
me a great deal of kindness during an accident that
happened at the budget.
Speaker 1 (13:05):
Jared's profile didn't seem all that active, so Nick tried
sending a message to his wife as well, and she responded.
Speaker 2 (13:12):
She says, oh, wow, I think he's told me that story.
I'll let him know and tell him to message.
Speaker 1 (13:18):
You, And a couple days later, Jared did.
Speaker 2 (13:21):
Yeah, it's me. I have a lot of memories of
that day, not all good. Then I say, me too,
I know this is a lot to hit you with
out of the blue. I think you were the one
most worried about me. You asked if I needed a tell?
Was that you? And he responds yes, I remember getting
a towel for your back, making sure the exit wind
(13:42):
was clean. I remember staying there till the EMT's got there.
It's like it happened yesterday.
Speaker 3 (13:48):
Wow.
Speaker 2 (13:49):
And then I said I've been waiting three decades to
thank you for that and the chaos. Your kindness remains
with me. You don't know what people are made of
until something like that happens. You are a good soul,
and he says, thank you. But even though where it
shit happens, a life is a life, your kind words
mean a lot. I did have some flashbacks to that day. Honestly,
(14:10):
I didn't remember your name because that chaos started thirty
seconds after I met you. I can still see the
fear in your eyes. I only did what I hope
someone would do for me. Then I said, I'm glad
to be alive. I'm now fifty one. Jared says, I'm
(14:33):
glad you are doing good. I will message you tomorrow.
Just got off work and doing the dinner thing. Thank
you for your kind words.
Speaker 1 (14:40):
But the next day, when Nick raised the prospect of
actually speaking on the phone, Jared stopped answering. Eventually, Nick
got another message from Jared's wife, Good morning, Nick. Jared
knows it was a terrible experience for you and has
no doubt you went through hell as a result, but
it was traumatic for him as well. Over the last
(15:01):
thirty years, he's dealt with it in his own way,
and he wants it to remain in his past.
Speaker 3 (15:06):
Again.
Speaker 1 (15:07):
Thank you for your kindness and for thanking him after
all these years. On the one hand, Nick is glad
to have finally found Jared and been able to thank him,
But on the other hand, he's a little disappointed their
exchange was so brief. Whatever Nick was looking for, it
seems like he hasn't found it, and for the next
(15:31):
couple months that's where it sits. But all the while,
as it turns out, just as Nick had been wanting
to speak with Jared, there's been someone badly wanting to
speak with him, someone who's always hovered just outside the
story's frame. Her name doesn't appear in Nick's written account,
nor does it show up in the police report this,
although she was present at the time of the shooting,
(15:54):
if only as a voice on the other end of
a phone line.
Speaker 4 (15:57):
The phone rang and someone answers, and what I hear?
As I hear A good shot.
Speaker 1 (16:15):
At the time Nick was shot, he had a girlfriend, Maggie.
Nickott suggested I reach out to Maggie as a way
of getting more background on that time, but over the
course of talking with Maggie, it became clear that she
had more to offer than just background. Nick Att first
met Maggie back when she was thirteen and he was fifteen.
(16:38):
He noticed her at a friend's house, a spiky haired
punk girl hunched over a Wiji board trying to summon
the spirit of Nancy Spongeen. Maggie thought Nick was funny
and a quote champion grade dork. The two became friends,
and several years later, when Maggie was nineteen, she and
Nick started dating. To save money, they moved in together.
(17:01):
It wasn't long after that that Nick set off on
his ill fated trip to Burley. On the evening of
June third, nineteen ninety three, Maggie picked up the phone
and called Nick at his room in the Budget motel,
and she happened to call at the exact moment the
shot was fired.
Speaker 4 (17:21):
The phone rang and someone answers, and I say, is Nick?
There is Nick available? And what I hear before this
person responds, is I hear, Oh my god, I've been shot.
Call nine one one. I've been shot. Like by moments
I missed the you know the capal so in my
mind's I I have no context for this. It doesn't
(17:43):
occur to me that someone in the room has actually
been shot. I thought, well, maybe someone in the room
was like recounting that, you know, like a cop show
that something like that, and they just said, like, na,
he can't come to the phone right now.
Speaker 1 (17:56):
Not only was Maggie there sort of at the budget motel,
but she was also there beyond the point where Nick
ends his story. She was there for his long recovery
process in the months afterwards. Yes, and so you ended
up kind of becoming the de facto caregiver.
Speaker 2 (18:13):
Yes, that's correct.
Speaker 3 (18:14):
I mean you were just nineteen. That's a lot to
take on.
Speaker 4 (18:19):
Yeah, that was a really it was a tumultuous It
was a challenging time, and I Nick had a lot
of emotions. He was really really fucking angry and depressed.
He took a lot of it out on me and
was not very kind to me at all at all.
Speaker 1 (18:43):
So, while Nick was dealing with the trauma of being shot,
Maggie was dealing with the trauma of dealing with Nick.
She was the one to stand by him in the
months to come. If anyone was truly sympathetic, truly a
good soul, he was Maggie Maggie and Nick broke not
long after the accident, but they've remained friends for all
(19:03):
these years. Even so, over the last three decades, they've
never talked about that time. Nick says it's easier not to.
He wasn't the best version of himself. That makes a
conversation with Maggie a harder one to have than the
one with Jared, but it potentially makes it a more
valuable conversation too. And Maggie says there's a lot she's
(19:24):
never said to Nick, that she's now finally ready to.
Speaker 4 (19:27):
Say, hello, my old friend, come on in.
Speaker 1 (19:36):
And so we all meet up one summer afternoon at
Maggie's townhouse.
Speaker 4 (19:40):
How are you feeling?
Speaker 1 (19:46):
We head upstairs to Maggie's living room. Her place feels
cozy and inviting. The walls are full of art.
Speaker 4 (19:52):
So I'm gonna I'm gonna pour myself a glass of
wine because I'm nervous.
Speaker 2 (19:56):
Good for you, So, Nick, do you want to be beer?
I was like fantasizing that you would ask me.
Speaker 1 (20:02):
That Maggie and Nick sit beside each other on the couch,
and Maggie begins the story of that day from her perspective.
Speaker 4 (20:09):
What I remember was that I called.
Speaker 1 (20:12):
When Maggie called the Budget motel that day, she heard
the chaos in the background, Maggie, but it wasn't until
later that night that she understood what had happened. Nick's
boss called to tell her that Nick was in surgery
for a gunshot wound. I remember Maggie got in the
car to drive the several hours to see him in
the hospital.
Speaker 4 (20:29):
There was thunder and lightning, storms raging, and the windshield
wipers and the visibility was terrible, and I was blasting
social distortion. It's the high planes in Idaho, you know,
So it's like that sage brushy and not knowing. I
remember driving not knowing if you were going to be
alive or dead when I got there.
Speaker 1 (20:55):
In the immediate aftermath, there was a rush of family
that arrived to visit Nick in the hospital. Receded into
the background.
Speaker 4 (21:02):
In a way. It was like everyone shows up, you know,
like while there's all of this fanfare, and then the
day to day, everyone fucking dissipates.
Speaker 1 (21:09):
And that's what we're here to talk about the time
after everyone else had dissipated and it was just Nick
and Maggie.
Speaker 3 (21:18):
For a while. Nick was unable to leave the house.
Speaker 1 (21:20):
His dad was a pretty big stoner, and so he
gifted Nick a huge bag of weed to help in
his recovery.
Speaker 2 (21:26):
Every morning androlla dooby and watch the cartoon version of
Beetlejuice or whatever, and the rest of the day just
kind of had a nice float to it. It was helpful,
but I also think I was kind of going stir crazy.
Speaker 1 (21:42):
As a part of his recovery, Nick was forced to
wear a colostomy bag, an inflatable sack attached to his stomach.
It was uncomfortable and cumbersome and made him feel old
before his time. Nick had to lean on Maggie for help.
Speaker 4 (21:55):
I apologize for that, for having a cost to me. Yeah,
like the cost to me was secondary. On the one hand, yacht,
it was really hard to wake up covered and shit sometimes.
But like also what made it hard is then that
you would be really mad. I'm trying to manage your anger.
I'm trying to get me cleaned up. I've got to
get to like I start at seven am.
Speaker 1 (22:17):
It turns out that at the time, Maggie was in
nursing school, so aside from the full time job of
taking care of Nick, she also had an internship at
the hospital and was taking an overwhelming course load.
Speaker 3 (22:29):
It was a lot.
Speaker 2 (22:30):
Thanks for taking care of me. I'm sorry it sucked
so man.
Speaker 1 (22:35):
Although Nick says the words he's supposed to, thank you,
I'm sorry, he still doesn't fully understand what he's saying,
thank you and sorry for so. Maggie tries to tell.
Speaker 4 (22:45):
Him it was really shitty. You were really awful to me.
Speaker 3 (22:52):
I believe that.
Speaker 4 (22:55):
I'm feeling a lot of emotion. That was hard, dear.
Speaker 2 (23:02):
I was, you know, in awe of you for being
so focused and driven and organized, and also sort of
felt like this person is sort of out of my
leg because you were just I couldn't really.
Speaker 4 (23:14):
You were mad at me about it.
Speaker 2 (23:16):
Yeah, that's probably true.
Speaker 1 (23:21):
Maggie sits with her legs tucked up on the couch,
looking right at Nick Nick stairs ahead at the wall.
Speaker 4 (23:26):
You know, like you were smoking weed in that back
room all day, watching TV, and you like you wouldn't
even open the blinds. You'd sit there in the dark
like it'd be you know, like sunny. We weren't compatible,
but we were stuck. You were sick. You were so
(23:47):
fucking depressed and angry at the world.
Speaker 1 (23:52):
Nick was angry at Andy and Israel for abandoning him.
He was angry at himself for taking the blame with
the Cobs. He was angry that he was in this
city situation at all, bedridden and confronting his mortality at
twenty one. He directed all of that at Maggie.
Speaker 2 (24:07):
I wasn't such a great person as far as I think.
There was a lot of rage.
Speaker 4 (24:13):
Yeah, do you remember what you would say?
Speaker 2 (24:20):
I don't remember the exact things I would say, but
I can just kind of imagine being in blind rage
and just saying awful shit.
Speaker 4 (24:28):
I feel really self conscious even saying it like out loud. Yeah,
sometimes you would talk A would say how you fantasized
killing me? Really, I remember what. I don't remember if
it was your birthday or if there was something something
that was good. And I remember I made you a
(24:49):
bunch of cupcakes and you were so fucking mad. I
made you goddamn cupcakes, Like, why would you want cupcakes?
You fucking smashed them?
Speaker 2 (25:00):
Really, I don't remember that.
Speaker 1 (25:06):
The first time I read Nick's account of that day,
I was struck by his ability to recall the minutia,
given that it's surprising to hear what he doesn't remember.
Speaker 4 (25:16):
I didn't think you would ever do anything on it,
But I also lived with just a lot of fucking
rage and hate in my direction, and like, oddly I understood,
like how and why you were so mad. It's on
my own fucked up way, like I gave it a pass.
Speaker 1 (25:35):
Nick might have forgotten some of the painful details, but
he does remember the moment he crossed the line.
Speaker 3 (25:41):
Do you remember what that was?
Speaker 1 (25:42):
I do?
Speaker 3 (25:43):
Oh, tell me about that.
Speaker 2 (25:44):
We were in a fight and it was a raging moment.
I don't know what the fuck it was about. But
I pushed you up against the wall and I had
my hand sort of around your throat.
Speaker 3 (25:55):
Oh, yeah, you remember this, I do know.
Speaker 1 (25:59):
For the first time, Maggie breaks eye contact, she covers
her face with her hands.
Speaker 4 (26:04):
Why did I hello this shit?
Speaker 2 (26:07):
Well, he said get the fuck out right now, I
think is what you said, and I agreed with you.
Speaker 4 (26:13):
It reads like domestic violence.
Speaker 1 (26:15):
I know.
Speaker 2 (26:17):
It dawned on me like, wow, this is really fucked up.
What am I doing? And you were looking at me like, yeah,
what the fuck are you doing? Can you remember that?
Speaker 4 (26:32):
And I had so much empathy for what you were
going through and as I sit here hearing that, no,
it's like, where was I my fucking empathy for myself?
Who looked out for me? And why wasn't I looking
out for me? That's this fucking recurring pattern that just
like lived out, and I think that's why I'm feeling
(26:53):
all the things that I'm feeling that It's like, holy fuck,
this is just another iteration of something that was a
part of that's my own story.
Speaker 5 (27:01):
For years, Maggie, I'm sorry, I don't know.
Speaker 2 (27:12):
I just I'm honest when I say that, you know,
reflecting as much as I cared to over the years,
it dawned on me more and more the load of
shit that you dealt with. But that said, it wasn't
(27:33):
just till a few minutes ago that I realized how
fucking happy that was. So it was hard to hear,
but necessary, and I can't. I'm not defensive because it's true.
Speaker 1 (27:49):
I know.
Speaker 2 (27:49):
I know that for a fact it was true. I
don't want to remember myself that way about ugly I became.
I really want to flip this story around to where
I'm a better person than I was.
Speaker 1 (28:03):
The way Nick has always framed the story around that
day at the budget motel.
Speaker 3 (28:07):
He was the victim.
Speaker 1 (28:09):
A horrible, painful thing happened to him through no fault
of his own. He could have been paralyzed, he could
have died. But when you widen the story's frame beyond
the motel room, to include Nick's recovery, to include Maggie,
it isn't so simple. I.
Speaker 4 (28:24):
On some level knew I was just in proximity and
I was the safest person, and I cared about you.
Speaker 2 (28:33):
I still care about you. Well, I care about it.
Speaker 4 (28:37):
Yeah, Yeah, you were so angry.
Speaker 2 (28:44):
I still am. It's not just the nineteen ninety three
gunshot that made me pissed off about everything. It's just
everything going back to nineteen seventy three.
Speaker 4 (29:00):
I remember, even before we were in a relationship, you
so wanted to connect with your dad.
Speaker 1 (29:07):
Throughout Nick's childhood, his father was a largely absent figure.
He looked at Nick as an impediment of the things
he really wanted to do. Party, drink, have a good time.
Speaker 4 (29:18):
You would talk about how like your dad would be
in the bar and you were a little kid and
so like, and it's your time to be with your dad,
and so you'd be sitting in the van for hours.
Speaker 2 (29:30):
Just wait for me in the car. If you see
a cop or whatever with a flashlight or something, don't
be crying. Don't be crying, Okay, Dad, I promised, I
won't be crying if a cop like shine the flashlight
in here, wondering what I'm doing alone and waiting outside.
Speaker 4 (29:45):
Of for okay. So fast forward to being shot and
not letting the cops know what's like.
Speaker 2 (29:53):
Just sucking it up. That's a lesson I learned early on.
Speaker 1 (30:00):
Nick had been taught early on, had a shield others
from blame. It makes sense that he, of all people,
would have been quick to tell the police he shot himself.
Speaker 2 (30:09):
I was just doing what you told me to you, Dad.
Speaker 1 (30:14):
It's hard to get someone who's ignoring you to even
notice your anger, whether it's the guy who shot you
in a motel room or the man who was supposed
to be raising you. And so you vent your anger
on the people you think might actually be able to
absorb it, even if they're not the ones who deserve it.
That's not an excuse, but it's an explanation. When Nick
(30:39):
first reached out for my help in finding Jared, his
dad had died only a few weeks earlier. Hearing all this,
that timing starts to feel like more than just a coincidence.
Nick's relationship with his dad is tied up with that day.
Nick brings up that memory of his dad showing up
at the hospital right after he was shot.
Speaker 2 (30:58):
I think you had called him or whatever. So he drank.
Speaker 4 (31:00):
I got a whold of him at the bar.
Speaker 1 (31:02):
Wow.
Speaker 2 (31:04):
So he drove, you know, to drunk, probably two hours.
And there's a couple of moments in my life with
dad where I felt like we were locked in and
it wasn't just me waiting around to get his attention.
And that was one of those moments.
Speaker 4 (31:22):
When you got his attention.
Speaker 2 (31:24):
Yeah, And I could tell he was crying.
Speaker 3 (31:28):
He was so upset.
Speaker 2 (31:33):
So that's just like one of those one time is
where I was the focus of his attention.
Speaker 4 (31:47):
You're one of the very few people from that time
in my life where I kept a thread any kind
of friend. It were somebody else, we wouldn't be sitting
here in my living room.
Speaker 2 (31:59):
I'm so honored by that. Thank you, because I don't
know if I deserve it. Thank you are the hero
of this story.
Speaker 1 (32:16):
The work of being a person is to recognize patterns
in ourselves, to see the things we do over and
over and to try to create new patterns, cast ourselves
in new roles and not just the role of hero. Nick,
for his part, is working to be more aware of
his anger, shielding.
Speaker 2 (32:32):
My loved ones from it. How do I channel it
without hurting people near me? What I don't often realize
is how much it radiates and fucking penetrates other people.
Speaker 1 (32:44):
As for Maggie, she wants to protect herself, to set
up her life so that she's the priority.
Speaker 4 (32:49):
I'm trying to Yeah, I'm almost fifty. For the first
time in my life, I'm trying to.
Speaker 1 (32:55):
Yeah, Yeah, this is the story of a man who
was shot. I've just told you one version, a different
one than if Nick were telling it himself, a different
one than if he tried to lay it all out
again twenty years down the road. But for now, Nick
and Maggie hug and while I pack up to head
(33:17):
back to my hotel, the two of them go out
to sit on Maggie's balcony to enjoy the rest of
the day, to soak in what they can before the
sun goes down.
Speaker 4 (33:56):
Now that the fernures ripped, turning to it's goodwill home.
Speaker 3 (34:06):
Now that the last month's rant is scheming.
Speaker 2 (34:10):
With the damage to Gossle, take this moment to deserve.
Speaker 4 (34:16):
If we meant it.
Speaker 3 (34:17):
If we took but felt around for far too from
things Accidentally to.
Speaker 4 (34:29):
Zero.
Speaker 1 (34:33):
This episode of Heavyweight was produced by senior producer Khalila
Holt and me Jonathan Goldstein, along with Phoebe Flanagan. Our
supervising producer is Stevie Lane. Production assistance by Mohemiy mcgouger,
editorial guidance from Emily Condon. Special thanks to Annie Minoff,
Laura Morris, Lauren Silverman, and Jackie Cohen. Bobby Lord mixed
the episode with original music by Christine Fellows, John K. Sampson,
(34:55):
Michael Hurst, Katie Condon, Blue Dot Sessions, and Bobby Lord.
Additional music credits can be found on our website Gimletmedia
dot com slash Heavyweight. Our theme song is by The
Weaker Thans courtesy of Epitaph Records. Heavyweight is a Spotify
original podcast. I'd also like to give a shout out
to another Spotify podcast that we love around here. On
(35:16):
the show, it's called Science Versus. The host, Wendy Zuckerman
is so much fun to listen to and I always
end up learning so much. Each episode she tackles a
different myth or fad like vaping or hypnosis, alternative milks,
and she dives into the science to deliver up the facts.
Science Versus is available anywhere you listen to podcasts, and
(35:36):
you really should.
Speaker 3 (35:37):
Check it out.
Speaker 1 (35:38):
You should also follow us on Twitter at Heavyweight, on
Instagram at Heavyweight podcast, or email us at Heavyweight at.
Speaker 3 (35:44):
Gimletmedia dot com.
Speaker 1 (35:45):
You can also follow our show on Spotify and tap
the bell to receive notifications when new episodes drop. We'll
be right back with a new episode just after Thanksgiving.
Happy Toyky Day.
Speaker 2 (36:02):
The bott
A word of warning that today's episode contains descriptions of violence.
Please take care when listening.
Speaker 2 (00:09):
Hi, how are you doing good?
Speaker 3 (00:11):
I left you like four or five messages?
Speaker 2 (00:14):
Busy day, busy day.
Speaker 3 (00:16):
Do you remember on the Dukes of Hazzard there was
the sheriff. Do you remember what his name was? Roscoe P. Coltrane.
Speaker 4 (00:22):
Oh?
Speaker 3 (00:22):
I remember it was Roscoe. Do you remember what the
peace stood for?
Speaker 4 (00:26):
No?
Speaker 3 (00:26):
Was it Philip? Oh? My god, no, she's not.
Speaker 4 (00:35):
How do you know I was lying? How did you
know why I was lying?
Speaker 3 (00:38):
You sounded too loving.
Speaker 1 (00:47):
I'm Jonathan Goldstein and this is heavyweight today's episode the
Budget Motel. Right after the break, Nick tells me he
(01:09):
doesn't consider himself to be a writer. He works as
a landscaper, but several years ago he felt compelled to
write about an event that derailed his life. The story's
title What It's Like to Be Shot. Thirty years ago,
Nick was shot in the stomach by a coworker, a
guy named Andy. Nick was twenty one years old, and
(01:33):
ever since that day he's continued to tell versions of
what happened. In his twenties, it was a good story
to tell in a bar.
Speaker 2 (01:41):
Packaged in a way to impress girls.
Speaker 1 (01:45):
In his thirties, it became a kind of flex, something
to give him that tough guy quality he lacked compared
to the hunters and brawlers he grew up with in Idaho.
In his forties, he honed the story to the written version.
I like Nick's writing so much, asked him if he'd
read the story aloud.
Speaker 3 (02:01):
To me, Would you mind reading it?
Speaker 2 (02:03):
You want me to just start from the beginning, could you? Yeah?
Speaker 1 (02:07):
It all begins with Nick and his coworker Andy and Burley, Idaho.
They were there for an out of town irrigation contract.
Andy was originally from Burley, and so we invited some
high school friends over to drink beer in the room
he and Nick were sharing at the budget motel. I'll
let Nick take it from here.
Speaker 2 (02:25):
The guys had brought in a nine millimeter automatic for
show and tell. I wouldn't have been surprised if it
was in fact stolen or purchased illegally. I wasn't particularly
curious about the weapon, having had my share of firearms
fund growing up in Pocatel. We littered the sagebrush hills
with spent casings. I remember sitting on the edge of
the motel bed across Andy. Andy's eyes were on the gun,
(02:48):
but not downrange. I was downrange. Andy dropped the magazine,
charged the slider. It's cool to charge a handgun. It
makes a cool sound and it feels good, and about
to dry fire, but had not checked the chamber. I
leaned to the left, about to say, dude, don't point
that thing at me. Dude, damn. My first thought was,
(03:15):
damn it. We were so fired. The gun has gone
off in our room. I looked down toward my lap
and noticed the whistle of smoke coming from the torn
hole in the belt line of my pants. I reached
around with my left hand and felt a wet spot
in the small on my back. Holy fucking shit, I've
just been shot in and out right fucking through me.
Holy shit. Noting the proximity of the wet spot to
(03:38):
my spine, I quickly stood up to see if my
legs worked. They did, and he rushed the gun over
to Israel, who had brought it. Say you did it, man.
Israel quickly took a knee in front of me, trying
to get me to hold the weapon. Dude, say you
shot yourself. Fucking Call nine one.
Speaker 5 (03:54):
One.
Speaker 2 (04:01):
The police report, written by one of what Burly considered
their finest, says that I reported the wound accidentally self
inflicted upon his arrival. I remember saying I've been shot.
It was an accident, as the cop casually strolled in
with a stupid board look on his face. A lot
of the actual agony is beyond memory. I can remember
what the pain led me to think, Okay, if this
(04:23):
is the end, let's get it over already. Bring on
the dark fade or the bright light. There was no
fear of death, only the impatient anticipation of relief. I
was bawling and blubbering, like a toddler that had fallen
off a swing. Every story I'd read of soldiers slowly
dying on battlefields crying out for their mothers made sense.
(04:44):
There is a very real need for mommy that supersedes
any macho imprinting. At this level of helplessness, my pleas
for morphine were denied. Instead, I was impaled with a
catheter in my urethra and an NG tube into my
nose and down my throat. Somewhere I found in myself
a cooperative attitude toward these brutes. I even reported the
(05:08):
fact I was wearing contact lenses. As they rubbed the
orange gue on my belly and shaved my pubic hair.
They plucked out the lenses before I got wheeled into
the or. Everything suddenly got calmer there. My only company
was a gentle voice man who said, I'm doctor Lowell Feinstein.
I'll be your nfcesiologist. Just breathe into this. The nurses
(05:35):
in ICU took an icy tone with me. They weren't
going to mommy, some young man and with gunshot wounds
who probably had a coming. I did get a sarcastic ah,
poor baby when I cried during my first wound. A breadment.
That was the daily routine of stuffing ribbons of cotton
gauze into the boltholes with a long swab. Twice a day.
(05:55):
They'd pull out the gauze along with all the dead
tissue dried to it, then stuff new gauze in and
I got used to it and it became less painful.
As with most gross things about your body, you eventually
come to enjoy it, kind of like picking your nose.
The first visitor was a blurry image, not because of
the meds, but because of the earlier foolishness of having
(06:16):
my contacts removed before surgery. It's my dad who is here.
I make a crack to bring levity to the ICU,
something quick from a Western Maybe they got me pa.
Speaker 1 (06:28):
There are only tears, and here with his father's tears.
Is how Nick has always ended the story, a cut
down hero being wept over by his dad. But now
that he's in his fifties, Nick doesn't see himself as
the hero of this story at all. Instead, he sees
someone else as the true hero of that day. It's
(06:49):
not Andy or his friend Israel. They mostly seemed concerned
with not getting in trouble, and I didn't hear a
word from them since that day. You know, there was
no visit in the hospital.
Speaker 2 (06:59):
No, if I had accidentally shot somebody, I would have
been beside myself with apology and just begging forgiveness. But
I didn't hear a thing from those guys. I didn't
hear a thing from those guys either. I reached out
to both Andy and Israel to get their version of
the story, but never heard back. The cops were indifferent,
the hospital workers coldly efficient. Nick felt alone and angry
(07:23):
he'd been blamed for his own injury and then abandoned.
No one actually cared about what he was going through
at all, with the exception of one person, a friend
of Andy's whose name Nick never even caught, but who
he refers to as the kid. I didn't know this kid.
He was just in the periphery of everybody that was
hanging out. So all of a sudden, I'm shot. I
(07:46):
can just see this kid's face and he's crying, and
he's looking down at me, and he's asking if there's
anything he can do, like get me a towel or something.
The looks on other people's faces was one of detachment
and coal, like they were looking at a squirrel hitting
the road or something. And he was the one that
you could just tell he was legitimately scared, not about
(08:10):
getting in trouble, but for me.
Speaker 1 (08:16):
And you're able to in that moment, you were able
to read all of that.
Speaker 2 (08:22):
Yeah, oh yeah, I don't know. I think everything slows
down to where, you know, some things are sparkling clear. Yeah,
Like if you've ever been in a car accident or whatever,
everything seems to go in slow motion. And I just
that's the thing that still sticks with me, is somebody
(08:44):
you know, just as scared as I was.
Speaker 1 (08:47):
A kind look a towel, not exactly Superman level of heroism,
but Nick consists that because the gestures came at one
of the scariest moments of his life, and because everyone
else was offering nothing, this is something, even though it
was a small something, felt like a lot.
Speaker 2 (09:04):
And so in that moment, him and I were not strangers.
It's a feeling like I don't want to die alone,
and here's one person that's not a stranger.
Speaker 1 (09:21):
And so thirty years later, what Nick wants is to
find that kid, that sympathetic kid who cried and offered
him a towel, and simply thank him. But where the
search takes us is somewhere neither Nick nor I could
have anticipated. So we're going to do it. Okay, wow, yeah,
we're going to try to find this kid. I think
after the break, we try to find this kid. I think, Hello,
(10:00):
do you hear me? I can now more importantly, can
you see me?
Speaker 2 (10:04):
I can't see you?
Speaker 3 (10:05):
Okay, it's not more important.
Speaker 1 (10:06):
Really, I asked Nick to check in over video because
I have some news. In order to get the name
of the sympathetic kid, I contacted the Sheriff's Department and
got the police report from the day Nick was shot.
Oh wow, yeah, so I wanted to share it with you.
Nick's not seen the report since the shooting happened thirty
years ago. I send it over and once again, Nick
(10:28):
reads an account of the day, but this time from
the perspective of the police officer on duty.
Speaker 2 (10:33):
On the above date, I was sent to the Budget
motel room for thirty seven in reference to a subject
being shot in the stomach. I asked Nick what had happened.
He stated that he has shot himself while looking at
a gun.
Speaker 1 (10:44):
When the cops interrogated Andy, he also blamed Nick, who,
when pressed, came clean.
Speaker 2 (10:50):
He stated that he didn't intend for it to go on.
Speaker 1 (10:52):
Then there are the accounts of everyone else who'd been
in the room that day. There's Andy's friend Israel.
Speaker 2 (10:58):
Israel heard Andy klick the gun, wasn't sure what had happened.
Speaker 3 (11:01):
And two other guys, someone named Jason he then.
Speaker 2 (11:04):
Saw the gun in Andy's hand with an expression like
he didn't expect.
Speaker 3 (11:07):
It to go off, and someone named Jared.
Speaker 2 (11:09):
He told me that Nick had a very surprised look
on his face and that no one really knew what
had happened. We feel with the information that we received
that there was no intention on hurting anyone and that
the shooting was an accidental shooting. The subjects were released
after obtaining statements. Well, Nick had a very surprised look
(11:34):
on his face. Sure, I did.
Speaker 1 (11:39):
The names Jason and Jared are both unfamiliar to Nick,
so to our search for the sympathetic kid.
Speaker 2 (11:44):
It's got to be one of those two guys.
Speaker 3 (11:51):
So what's going on?
Speaker 1 (11:53):
Well, the following week, Nick and I talk again. This
time though Nick has reached out to me because he
has some news to share.
Speaker 2 (12:02):
It's been five days or whatever since I contacted Jared.
Speaker 1 (12:07):
After I sent Nick the police report, he spent the
rest of the day obsessing he was so close to
finding the person he'd thought about for so long that
he decided to take matters into his own hands and
do some digging. Well, Jason's last name was incredibly common,
Jared's last name was unique, So Nick typed it into
Facebook and it Jared popped up who was living in
(12:29):
that same part of Idaho.
Speaker 2 (12:31):
And it looks like he's got a teenage son that
looks exactly like my memory of what he looked like
I sent him this very generic message to throw the
line out there, like I was trying to net a butterfly. Hi, Jared,
(12:53):
you may not know me at all. That I'm trying
to find someone with your name that lived in Barely
back in nineteen ninety three, might be someone who showed
me a great deal of kindness during an accident that
happened at the budget.
Speaker 1 (13:05):
Jared's profile didn't seem all that active, so Nick tried
sending a message to his wife as well, and she responded.
Speaker 2 (13:12):
She says, oh, wow, I think he's told me that story.
I'll let him know and tell him to message.
Speaker 1 (13:18):
You, And a couple days later, Jared did.
Speaker 2 (13:21):
Yeah, it's me. I have a lot of memories of
that day, not all good. Then I say, me too,
I know this is a lot to hit you with
out of the blue. I think you were the one
most worried about me. You asked if I needed a tell?
Was that you? And he responds yes, I remember getting
a towel for your back, making sure the exit wind
(13:42):
was clean. I remember staying there till the EMT's got there.
It's like it happened yesterday.
Speaker 3 (13:48):
Wow.
Speaker 2 (13:49):
And then I said I've been waiting three decades to
thank you for that and the chaos. Your kindness remains
with me. You don't know what people are made of
until something like that happens. You are a good soul,
and he says, thank you. But even though where it
shit happens, a life is a life, your kind words
mean a lot. I did have some flashbacks to that day. Honestly,
(14:10):
I didn't remember your name because that chaos started thirty
seconds after I met you. I can still see the
fear in your eyes. I only did what I hope
someone would do for me. Then I said, I'm glad
to be alive. I'm now fifty one. Jared says, I'm
(14:33):
glad you are doing good. I will message you tomorrow.
Just got off work and doing the dinner thing. Thank
you for your kind words.
Speaker 1 (14:40):
But the next day, when Nick raised the prospect of
actually speaking on the phone, Jared stopped answering. Eventually, Nick
got another message from Jared's wife, Good morning, Nick. Jared
knows it was a terrible experience for you and has
no doubt you went through hell as a result, but
it was traumatic for him as well. Over the last
(15:01):
thirty years, he's dealt with it in his own way,
and he wants it to remain in his past.
Speaker 3 (15:06):
Again.
Speaker 1 (15:07):
Thank you for your kindness and for thanking him after
all these years. On the one hand, Nick is glad
to have finally found Jared and been able to thank him,
But on the other hand, he's a little disappointed their
exchange was so brief. Whatever Nick was looking for, it
seems like he hasn't found it, and for the next
(15:31):
couple months that's where it sits. But all the while,
as it turns out, just as Nick had been wanting
to speak with Jared, there's been someone badly wanting to
speak with him, someone who's always hovered just outside the
story's frame. Her name doesn't appear in Nick's written account,
nor does it show up in the police report this,
although she was present at the time of the shooting,
(15:54):
if only as a voice on the other end of
a phone line.
Speaker 4 (15:57):
The phone rang and someone answers, and what I hear?
As I hear A good shot.
Speaker 1 (16:15):
At the time Nick was shot, he had a girlfriend, Maggie.
Nickott suggested I reach out to Maggie as a way
of getting more background on that time, but over the
course of talking with Maggie, it became clear that she
had more to offer than just background. Nick Att first
met Maggie back when she was thirteen and he was fifteen.
(16:38):
He noticed her at a friend's house, a spiky haired
punk girl hunched over a Wiji board trying to summon
the spirit of Nancy Spongeen. Maggie thought Nick was funny
and a quote champion grade dork. The two became friends,
and several years later, when Maggie was nineteen, she and
Nick started dating. To save money, they moved in together.
(17:01):
It wasn't long after that that Nick set off on
his ill fated trip to Burley. On the evening of
June third, nineteen ninety three, Maggie picked up the phone
and called Nick at his room in the Budget motel,
and she happened to call at the exact moment the
shot was fired.
Speaker 4 (17:21):
The phone rang and someone answers, and I say, is Nick?
There is Nick available? And what I hear before this
person responds, is I hear, Oh my god, I've been shot.
Call nine one one. I've been shot. Like by moments
I missed the you know the capal so in my
mind's I I have no context for this. It doesn't
(17:43):
occur to me that someone in the room has actually
been shot. I thought, well, maybe someone in the room
was like recounting that, you know, like a cop show
that something like that, and they just said, like, na,
he can't come to the phone right now.
Speaker 1 (17:56):
Not only was Maggie there sort of at the budget motel,
but she was also there beyond the point where Nick
ends his story. She was there for his long recovery
process in the months afterwards. Yes, and so you ended
up kind of becoming the de facto caregiver.
Speaker 2 (18:13):
Yes, that's correct.
Speaker 3 (18:14):
I mean you were just nineteen. That's a lot to
take on.
Speaker 4 (18:19):
Yeah, that was a really it was a tumultuous It
was a challenging time, and I Nick had a lot
of emotions. He was really really fucking angry and depressed.
He took a lot of it out on me and
was not very kind to me at all at all.
Speaker 1 (18:43):
So, while Nick was dealing with the trauma of being shot,
Maggie was dealing with the trauma of dealing with Nick.
She was the one to stand by him in the
months to come. If anyone was truly sympathetic, truly a
good soul, he was Maggie Maggie and Nick broke not
long after the accident, but they've remained friends for all
(19:03):
these years. Even so, over the last three decades, they've
never talked about that time. Nick says it's easier not to.
He wasn't the best version of himself. That makes a
conversation with Maggie a harder one to have than the
one with Jared, but it potentially makes it a more
valuable conversation too. And Maggie says there's a lot she's
(19:24):
never said to Nick, that she's now finally ready to.
Speaker 4 (19:27):
Say, hello, my old friend, come on in.
Speaker 1 (19:36):
And so we all meet up one summer afternoon at
Maggie's townhouse.
Speaker 4 (19:40):
How are you feeling?
Speaker 1 (19:46):
We head upstairs to Maggie's living room. Her place feels
cozy and inviting. The walls are full of art.
Speaker 4 (19:52):
So I'm gonna I'm gonna pour myself a glass of
wine because I'm nervous.
Speaker 2 (19:56):
Good for you, So, Nick, do you want to be beer?
I was like fantasizing that you would ask me.
Speaker 1 (20:02):
That Maggie and Nick sit beside each other on the couch,
and Maggie begins the story of that day from her perspective.
Speaker 4 (20:09):
What I remember was that I called.
Speaker 1 (20:12):
When Maggie called the Budget motel that day, she heard
the chaos in the background, Maggie, but it wasn't until
later that night that she understood what had happened. Nick's
boss called to tell her that Nick was in surgery
for a gunshot wound. I remember Maggie got in the
car to drive the several hours to see him in
the hospital.
Speaker 4 (20:29):
There was thunder and lightning, storms raging, and the windshield
wipers and the visibility was terrible, and I was blasting
social distortion. It's the high planes in Idaho, you know,
So it's like that sage brushy and not knowing. I
remember driving not knowing if you were going to be
alive or dead when I got there.
Speaker 1 (20:55):
In the immediate aftermath, there was a rush of family
that arrived to visit Nick in the hospital. Receded into
the background.
Speaker 4 (21:02):
In a way. It was like everyone shows up, you know,
like while there's all of this fanfare, and then the
day to day, everyone fucking dissipates.
Speaker 1 (21:09):
And that's what we're here to talk about the time
after everyone else had dissipated and it was just Nick
and Maggie.
Speaker 3 (21:18):
For a while. Nick was unable to leave the house.
Speaker 1 (21:20):
His dad was a pretty big stoner, and so he
gifted Nick a huge bag of weed to help in
his recovery.
Speaker 2 (21:26):
Every morning androlla dooby and watch the cartoon version of
Beetlejuice or whatever, and the rest of the day just
kind of had a nice float to it. It was helpful,
but I also think I was kind of going stir crazy.
Speaker 1 (21:42):
As a part of his recovery, Nick was forced to
wear a colostomy bag, an inflatable sack attached to his stomach.
It was uncomfortable and cumbersome and made him feel old
before his time. Nick had to lean on Maggie for help.
Speaker 4 (21:55):
I apologize for that, for having a cost to me. Yeah,
like the cost to me was secondary. On the one hand, yacht,
it was really hard to wake up covered and shit sometimes.
But like also what made it hard is then that
you would be really mad. I'm trying to manage your anger.
I'm trying to get me cleaned up. I've got to
get to like I start at seven am.
Speaker 1 (22:17):
It turns out that at the time, Maggie was in
nursing school, so aside from the full time job of
taking care of Nick, she also had an internship at
the hospital and was taking an overwhelming course load.
Speaker 3 (22:29):
It was a lot.
Speaker 2 (22:30):
Thanks for taking care of me. I'm sorry it sucked
so man.
Speaker 1 (22:35):
Although Nick says the words he's supposed to, thank you,
I'm sorry, he still doesn't fully understand what he's saying,
thank you and sorry for so. Maggie tries to tell.
Speaker 4 (22:45):
Him it was really shitty. You were really awful to me.
Speaker 3 (22:52):
I believe that.
Speaker 4 (22:55):
I'm feeling a lot of emotion. That was hard, dear.
Speaker 2 (23:02):
I was, you know, in awe of you for being
so focused and driven and organized, and also sort of
felt like this person is sort of out of my
leg because you were just I couldn't really.
Speaker 4 (23:14):
You were mad at me about it.
Speaker 2 (23:16):
Yeah, that's probably true.
Speaker 1 (23:21):
Maggie sits with her legs tucked up on the couch,
looking right at Nick Nick stairs ahead at the wall.
Speaker 4 (23:26):
You know, like you were smoking weed in that back
room all day, watching TV, and you like you wouldn't
even open the blinds. You'd sit there in the dark
like it'd be you know, like sunny. We weren't compatible,
but we were stuck. You were sick. You were so
(23:47):
fucking depressed and angry at the world.
Speaker 1 (23:52):
Nick was angry at Andy and Israel for abandoning him.
He was angry at himself for taking the blame with
the Cobs. He was angry that he was in this
city situation at all, bedridden and confronting his mortality at
twenty one. He directed all of that at Maggie.
Speaker 2 (24:07):
I wasn't such a great person as far as I think.
There was a lot of rage.
Speaker 4 (24:13):
Yeah, do you remember what you would say?
Speaker 2 (24:20):
I don't remember the exact things I would say, but
I can just kind of imagine being in blind rage
and just saying awful shit.
Speaker 4 (24:28):
I feel really self conscious even saying it like out loud. Yeah,
sometimes you would talk A would say how you fantasized
killing me? Really, I remember what. I don't remember if
it was your birthday or if there was something something
that was good. And I remember I made you a
(24:49):
bunch of cupcakes and you were so fucking mad. I
made you goddamn cupcakes, Like, why would you want cupcakes?
You fucking smashed them?
Speaker 2 (25:00):
Really, I don't remember that.
Speaker 1 (25:06):
The first time I read Nick's account of that day,
I was struck by his ability to recall the minutia,
given that it's surprising to hear what he doesn't remember.
Speaker 4 (25:16):
I didn't think you would ever do anything on it,
But I also lived with just a lot of fucking
rage and hate in my direction, and like, oddly I understood,
like how and why you were so mad. It's on
my own fucked up way, like I gave it a pass.
Speaker 1 (25:35):
Nick might have forgotten some of the painful details, but
he does remember the moment he crossed the line.
Speaker 3 (25:41):
Do you remember what that was?
Speaker 1 (25:42):
I do?
Speaker 3 (25:43):
Oh, tell me about that.
Speaker 2 (25:44):
We were in a fight and it was a raging moment.
I don't know what the fuck it was about. But
I pushed you up against the wall and I had
my hand sort of around your throat.
Speaker 3 (25:55):
Oh, yeah, you remember this, I do know.
Speaker 1 (25:59):
For the first time, Maggie breaks eye contact, she covers
her face with her hands.
Speaker 4 (26:04):
Why did I hello this shit?
Speaker 2 (26:07):
Well, he said get the fuck out right now, I
think is what you said, and I agreed with you.
Speaker 4 (26:13):
It reads like domestic violence.
Speaker 1 (26:15):
I know.
Speaker 2 (26:17):
It dawned on me like, wow, this is really fucked up.
What am I doing? And you were looking at me like, yeah,
what the fuck are you doing? Can you remember that?
Speaker 4 (26:32):
And I had so much empathy for what you were
going through and as I sit here hearing that, no,
it's like, where was I my fucking empathy for myself?
Who looked out for me? And why wasn't I looking
out for me? That's this fucking recurring pattern that just
like lived out, and I think that's why I'm feeling
(26:53):
all the things that I'm feeling that It's like, holy fuck,
this is just another iteration of something that was a
part of that's my own story.
Speaker 5 (27:01):
For years, Maggie, I'm sorry, I don't know.
Speaker 2 (27:12):
I just I'm honest when I say that, you know,
reflecting as much as I cared to over the years,
it dawned on me more and more the load of
shit that you dealt with. But that said, it wasn't
(27:33):
just till a few minutes ago that I realized how
fucking happy that was. So it was hard to hear,
but necessary, and I can't. I'm not defensive because it's true.
Speaker 1 (27:49):
I know.
Speaker 2 (27:49):
I know that for a fact it was true. I
don't want to remember myself that way about ugly I became.
I really want to flip this story around to where
I'm a better person than I was.
Speaker 1 (28:03):
The way Nick has always framed the story around that
day at the budget motel.
Speaker 3 (28:07):
He was the victim.
Speaker 1 (28:09):
A horrible, painful thing happened to him through no fault
of his own. He could have been paralyzed, he could
have died. But when you widen the story's frame beyond
the motel room, to include Nick's recovery, to include Maggie,
it isn't so simple. I.
Speaker 4 (28:24):
On some level knew I was just in proximity and
I was the safest person, and I cared about you.
Speaker 2 (28:33):
I still care about you. Well, I care about it.
Speaker 4 (28:37):
Yeah, Yeah, you were so angry.
Speaker 2 (28:44):
I still am. It's not just the nineteen ninety three
gunshot that made me pissed off about everything. It's just
everything going back to nineteen seventy three.
Speaker 4 (29:00):
I remember, even before we were in a relationship, you
so wanted to connect with your dad.
Speaker 1 (29:07):
Throughout Nick's childhood, his father was a largely absent figure.
He looked at Nick as an impediment of the things
he really wanted to do. Party, drink, have a good time.
Speaker 4 (29:18):
You would talk about how like your dad would be
in the bar and you were a little kid and
so like, and it's your time to be with your dad,
and so you'd be sitting in the van for hours.
Speaker 2 (29:30):
Just wait for me in the car. If you see
a cop or whatever with a flashlight or something, don't
be crying. Don't be crying, Okay, Dad, I promised, I
won't be crying if a cop like shine the flashlight
in here, wondering what I'm doing alone and waiting outside.
Speaker 4 (29:45):
Of for okay. So fast forward to being shot and
not letting the cops know what's like.
Speaker 2 (29:53):
Just sucking it up. That's a lesson I learned early on.
Speaker 1 (30:00):
Nick had been taught early on, had a shield others
from blame. It makes sense that he, of all people,
would have been quick to tell the police he shot himself.
Speaker 2 (30:09):
I was just doing what you told me to you, Dad.
Speaker 1 (30:14):
It's hard to get someone who's ignoring you to even
notice your anger, whether it's the guy who shot you
in a motel room or the man who was supposed
to be raising you. And so you vent your anger
on the people you think might actually be able to
absorb it, even if they're not the ones who deserve it.
That's not an excuse, but it's an explanation. When Nick
(30:39):
first reached out for my help in finding Jared, his
dad had died only a few weeks earlier. Hearing all this,
that timing starts to feel like more than just a coincidence.
Nick's relationship with his dad is tied up with that day.
Nick brings up that memory of his dad showing up
at the hospital right after he was shot.
Speaker 2 (30:58):
I think you had called him or whatever. So he drank.
Speaker 4 (31:00):
I got a whold of him at the bar.
Speaker 1 (31:02):
Wow.
Speaker 2 (31:04):
So he drove, you know, to drunk, probably two hours.
And there's a couple of moments in my life with
dad where I felt like we were locked in and
it wasn't just me waiting around to get his attention.
And that was one of those moments.
Speaker 4 (31:22):
When you got his attention.
Speaker 2 (31:24):
Yeah, And I could tell he was crying.
Speaker 3 (31:28):
He was so upset.
Speaker 2 (31:33):
So that's just like one of those one time is
where I was the focus of his attention.
Speaker 4 (31:47):
You're one of the very few people from that time
in my life where I kept a thread any kind
of friend. It were somebody else, we wouldn't be sitting
here in my living room.
Speaker 2 (31:59):
I'm so honored by that. Thank you, because I don't
know if I deserve it. Thank you are the hero
of this story.
Speaker 1 (32:16):
The work of being a person is to recognize patterns
in ourselves, to see the things we do over and
over and to try to create new patterns, cast ourselves
in new roles and not just the role of hero. Nick,
for his part, is working to be more aware of
his anger, shielding.
Speaker 2 (32:32):
My loved ones from it. How do I channel it
without hurting people near me? What I don't often realize
is how much it radiates and fucking penetrates other people.
Speaker 1 (32:44):
As for Maggie, she wants to protect herself, to set
up her life so that she's the priority.
Speaker 4 (32:49):
I'm trying to Yeah, I'm almost fifty. For the first
time in my life, I'm trying to.
Speaker 1 (32:55):
Yeah, Yeah, this is the story of a man who
was shot. I've just told you one version, a different
one than if Nick were telling it himself, a different
one than if he tried to lay it all out
again twenty years down the road. But for now, Nick
and Maggie hug and while I pack up to head
(33:17):
back to my hotel, the two of them go out
to sit on Maggie's balcony to enjoy the rest of
the day, to soak in what they can before the
sun goes down.
Speaker 4 (33:56):
Now that the fernures ripped, turning to it's goodwill home.
Speaker 3 (34:06):
Now that the last month's rant is scheming.
Speaker 2 (34:10):
With the damage to Gossle, take this moment to deserve.
Speaker 4 (34:16):
If we meant it.
Speaker 3 (34:17):
If we took but felt around for far too from
things Accidentally to.
Speaker 4 (34:29):
Zero.
Speaker 1 (34:33):
This episode of Heavyweight was produced by senior producer Khalila
Holt and me Jonathan Goldstein, along with Phoebe Flanagan. Our
supervising producer is Stevie Lane. Production assistance by Mohemiy mcgouger,
editorial guidance from Emily Condon. Special thanks to Annie Minoff,
Laura Morris, Lauren Silverman, and Jackie Cohen. Bobby Lord mixed
the episode with original music by Christine Fellows, John K. Sampson,
(34:55):
Michael Hurst, Katie Condon, Blue Dot Sessions, and Bobby Lord.
Additional music credits can be found on our website Gimletmedia
dot com slash Heavyweight. Our theme song is by The
Weaker Thans courtesy of Epitaph Records. Heavyweight is a Spotify
original podcast. I'd also like to give a shout out
to another Spotify podcast that we love around here. On
(35:16):
the show, it's called Science Versus. The host, Wendy Zuckerman
is so much fun to listen to and I always
end up learning so much. Each episode she tackles a
different myth or fad like vaping or hypnosis, alternative milks,
and she dives into the science to deliver up the facts.
Science Versus is available anywhere you listen to podcasts, and
(35:36):
you really should.
Speaker 3 (35:37):
Check it out.
Speaker 1 (35:38):
You should also follow us on Twitter at Heavyweight, on
Instagram at Heavyweight podcast, or email us at Heavyweight at.
Speaker 3 (35:44):
Gimletmedia dot com.
Speaker 1 (35:45):
You can also follow our show on Spotify and tap
the bell to receive notifications when new episodes drop. We'll
be right back with a new episode just after Thanksgiving.
Happy Toyky Day.
Speaker 2 (36:02):
The bott
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