October 11, 2022 • 24 mins
This autism stuff is hard. So Lauren needs a break. And she gets it on a trip to Autism Pleasantville — a perfect world made just for her and all her quirks and weirdnesses. Autism Pleasantville is place full of cute dogs and restaurants that accommodate extreme food sensitivities and autism support humans who help Lauren navigate sticky social situations. Is Autism Pleasantville real? No. But it is nice to pretend.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:15):
Pushkin, I got a level with you, just between you
and me. This autism shit is hard. Fumbling through the
diagnosis and figuring out what it all means is setting
my teeth on edge. It is extremely uncomfortable mining my
past and then trying to fit all the pieces together,
(00:38):
not to mention all the researching and therapy and telling
my people EOI. I need a break from it all,
like a seventh inning stretch. There's still more work to do, Yes,
but your girl needs a breather, and I think I
know how to get the respite I'm so desperate for.
I need to go on a trip. I think a
(01:00):
little adventure will do me good. And I'm not the
only one who thinks that, yes, line right, you are
traveling is critical to your help. Inc Surely you remember
doctor Artismo. He's our esteemed colleague from a previous episode. Obviously,
doctor Artismo is not a real doctor. He's an actor,
but he does know all the things, so doctor. According
(01:25):
to science, why is travel good for us? The Lauren, Travel,
particularly abroad, has many benefits for fun, travel keeps you healthy.
People who take regular vacations are less likely to have
heart attacks than people who do not, and So that's
a good thing, because heart attacks are not very much fun.
(01:45):
I know, I've had seventeen plus. Travel enhance his mindfulness
and helps reduce stress and anxiety. Unless you lose your
bag or your plane crashes, then you are going to
be very stressed. Indeed, Doctor Artismo, all of that sounds amazing.
Any other benefits from taking a trip, Yes, there's one
(02:06):
more positive from traveling that comes even before you've left
terra Firma. Just planning a trip boosts your mood, enhances
your generous satisfaction this life. So even if your upstairs
neighbor is trying on her new foot and clogs while
you're deling at a two pm on a vac day,
you'll barely notice it because your mood will be so good.
(02:30):
Claim not evaluated or backed by science in any way.
So basically, doctor Antismo, traveling is a really important part
of our general wellness according to science. That's what I'm
getting here. Yes, Lord, you are picking up what I
am putting down. I'm also laying a ton pretty sick. Well.
(02:50):
I don't know about you, but I'm ready to get
out of here. All this autism reckoning I'm doing is hard.
I want to see new things. I want to meet
new people. I want to leave on a jet plane
right this minute. But I can't just journey to Cape
Town or Tokyo or Daytona Beach. I'll be in my
own dumb brain. I need to go as far away
(03:13):
from reality as I can possibly go. I need to
go to a little place called autism Berg, Downdale, Borrow, or,
as it's more affectionately known, Autism pleasant phil You're listening
to the Loudest Girl in the World. Who is not
(03:36):
the kid sitting next to you on the airplane. It's me,
Lauren Ober. The Loudest Girl in the World is a
show about finding yourself broken in a pretty dark place
and emerging from that place a mostly glued back together person.
(03:56):
This week, we're taking a little departure, get it, departure
from all the big feelings and the bonus sized tears
and the odjitive moving through a world where you never
feel quite like everybody else else and autism Pleasantville is
the perfect destination, well, my perfect destination, because, as we
(04:17):
can all recite from heart at this point, if you
know one autistic person, you know one autistic person. In
my neurodivergent Briga dune. There are no loud sirens, no
awkward silences, and everyone gets free therapy. Come on. Our
flight leave soon, but not before this ad break. Come on,
(04:56):
you goofballs. Our flight leave soon. Welcome passenger the Air
Autismia flight F eighty four point zero NonStop to autism Burntown, Delborow.
I'm Captain Autismo. I'll be getting you there today. A
(05:17):
couple of quick things before we take off. This is
a no headphone bleed flight, meaning if you have headphones
on and there's music bleeding out of them, we're gonna
have to ask you to turn the volume down. This
is for the comfort of your seat mate, sent for
the general health of your ears. At Air Autismia we care.
Second bit of business. This is also a no reclining flight.
(05:39):
So that little recline button on your armrest, yeah that one,
don't push it. I know it's tempting, but I promise
you that extra two inches of recline will not make
the difference between comfortable and not comfortable. While you're pretending
like you're in your grandpa's lazy Boy, that person behind
you is trying to pull their teeth out of their knees.
And anyway, our seats on air Autisma are so comfortable.
(06:00):
Why the funk would you need to recline? Last little
announcement before we take off. If you are Lauren over,
you absolutely do not have to sit near a window.
We know you have massive panic attacks if you sit
in a window seat, So so Lauren, pick an exit row.
I'll seat on us. We got your girl. Okay, that's
(06:22):
it for me. Sit back, relax and enjoy our a
quick trip to autismburg Town delborow and if there's anything
we can do to make your flight more pleasant with us,
please don't hesitate to let us know. And in what
seemed like a flash, we arrived in Autismburg down Dale
Borough aka autism pleasant Ville and headed to customs. Hi,
(06:47):
I'm Asian Autismo. Where are you coming from today? This
guy sounds familiar. Um, I just flew in from neurotypical landing.
Of all, you might know that that flight that came
in just now, right, And what is the purpose of
your visit? Well appreciate you asking. I'm I'm coming for
some R and R rest and relaxation. Also, there's this
(07:11):
conference that I'm gone. I'm just playing with you. I
know why you're here. I can tell by the way
you're rocking back and forth, and I can see a
jankie blankie peeking out of your bag. Also, you're talking
really loudly, which is totally okay. Anyway, no need for
a visa. You're among friends, okay, thank you, You're welcome.
This is easily the smoothest travel experience I have ever had.
(07:36):
No anxiously waiting online, no meltdowns at the gate, and
no stressful encounters with fellow passengers taking up valuable overhead
bin space with near empty backpacks, plus so much iced
tea in every terminal. I feel like this whole experience
was designed for me. Before I got on with the
(07:56):
business of exploring this atypical Xanado, I had to make
a food stop autism. Pleasantville is known for its lunch game,
which is wild because I love lunch. All the food
is vegetarian and thing is gross also in autism, plus,
bill capers are illegal, and eating weeds like dandy lion
greens is not a thing. Oh, there's my sweet pumpkin muffin.
(08:22):
They're so glad to have you dine with us today. Dearie,
here's your bottomless iced tea. Oh, chef, you always know
how to make me feel so welcome here, So good
to see you. Oh you too, Dear, you look gorgeous.
Oh sweet, have I got a treat for you? We
have beautiful tomatoes and none of them have those gross
white centers that you hate. Also, none of our tomatoes
(08:44):
have weird stamputs. In fact, none of our produce has butts. Miraculous, no,
totally miraculous. Also, I want to make sure you know
this isn't a rugular free restaurant. Deep, we would never
try to sneak any of that nasty garbage leaf into
your food. You have Chef Autismo's word, dear, not a
single one of those ruddy leaves. I've hidden them all away.
(09:06):
Dear Chevatismo, You're always taking care of me. It's so nice. Um.
Before I order, though, I wanted to make sure about dessert.
No nuts of any kind, right, I mean, yes, I
like peanuts and pistachios, but you know, not in things,
my dear. Of course, not to worry. We were prepared
for this, even before we knew you were coming. There
(09:26):
is not to wound. Nut Dora, hazel nut Dora macadamia
nut to be found in any of our dishes, especially
not to the dessert. Just smooth, creamy, delicious pettetes and
ice creams and all those weird old British puddings. You
are nuts if you think otherwise. Dear totally bunkers off
(09:47):
your rocker, totally get it. Thank you. Oh key enough
for me. Back to the scullery, I go. Let's get
your fed first, though. Love My meal at Caffeatismus was
(10:08):
a maze. It had everything I love, fake meats, pickled things,
crunchy things, jams and sauces without chunks, every kind of
delicious bread, mayonnaise and of course nut free, fruit free treats,
with nothing that I hate. I didn't have to gag
anything down just to be polite or embarrassingly picked through
(10:30):
my food to find the things I can't even consider
putting in my mouth. It was like the whole restaurant
was built just for me and my needs. After lunch,
I headed to my hotel. All the rooms in the
hotel are built like bank faults with windows, meaning I
can't hear the other guests. Catterwalling, which generally isn't a
(10:50):
problem in the first place because in autism pleasant Fille,
no one ever catterwalls. In my hotel room, the pillows
are all firm and the water pressure is excellent. Also
bar soap only in the shower, none of this millennial
body wash nonsense. And one of the most important features
of the room. No human hairs anywhere that are not mine,
(11:12):
Not in the tub, not on the sink, not in
the bed or on the desk. No evidence that another
person has shed anywhere in the vicinity. What I don't
like other people's hair, sue me. The lobby of my
hotel is full of lovely people, but more importantly, it's
a wash in puppers, because, since this is my fantasy,
(11:36):
my hotel is dog friendly. So many cuties to pet.
Who's a cute guy, It's so cute. Oh who's fuzzy?
Who's a fudgy guy? Oh? Wait, but I couldn't tarry
in the lobby. I was here on business. I had
a conference to attend. Now I know I've mentioned before
(11:57):
that professional conferences are my social anxiety nightmare. Too many people,
too many variables, too many opportunities to say dumb shit.
I have actually broken out in hives before because of
conference dread. But here's a little secret. I actually kind
of love conferences, except that one conference where I got
(12:18):
dumped that sucked. At conferences, I get to see my
friends who live elsewhere, and I get to learn stuff,
and sometimes I get to give talks and make jokes.
But all the times when I'm not chatting to friends
or learning stuff, I generally feel like I'm going to barf.
This conference is a little different. It's for middle age,
perimenopausal gingers who love dogs, ride bikes, and have weird
(12:41):
interests like cobblery or online makeup tutorials or the Netflix
show Love Is Blind. I mean, just to name a
few randoms. So the likelihood that I'm going to pass
out from anxiety is low. However, the chance that I'm
going to be socially awkward still actually pretty high. Let's
do this, or maybe let's just see how long I
(13:03):
can make it before I have to bow out. Hey
I'm Louise. Hey Louise. Nice meeting. I'm Lauren. So, uh,
what's your favorite holiday? Uh? Actually, I don't really like
holidays very much. I feel like holidays are really stressful.
It's like mandatory fun. Oh boy, oh lord, it's starting. Yeah,
(13:23):
so I just like, I don't know, I'd prefer to
just hang out with my friends. I mean, I guess
if I had to pick one, I don't know, like, well, Thanksgiving,
but then it's problematic. Why it's a problematic. It's just
weird to celebrate, you know, the annihilation of people also
by eating turkey. I don't know, it just feels weird
to me. Oh boy, it's just so stressful to talk
(13:46):
to people of these things. What about the Fourth of July?
You know, I mean, I guess fireworks are okay. I
like fireworks sometimes, but they're very loud, and I don't know,
I mean there's kind of kind of like you've seen one,
you've seen them all kind of thing with fire like
them because there's hot dogs. Oh right, I don't know.
I'm vegetarian. Oh my god, I had a feeling. Why
are you a vegetarian? Oh boy? You know, I'm a
(14:08):
vegetarian because I just I feel like I don't really
want to eat living things or things that had a
face or feeling this would happen. This is called conference mouth,
and it's a very common ailment of mine. And to
just stick the vegetables and so it's time to hit
the eject button on this conversation. Luckily you can do
that in autism pleasant fill. That's because I have a
(14:31):
handy dandy cloak of invisibility. It came in my conference
swag bag, along with other do dads I can actually use,
like an umbrella and some pencils and a packet of
anti diarrheal medicine. My cloak of invisibility allows me to
wander the conference without being seen. But don't worry, I'm
not being creepy when I wear it. It's just that
(14:53):
I can enjoy the conviviality of the whole scene without
having to worry about sticking my foot in it or
running on at the mouth, or ending a conversation in
the most maximally awkward way. But sometimes at this conference,
I actually do want to engage with people, but I
feel like I need a buffer. Tellabunga man, look out. Hey,
(15:16):
I'm a TISMO Junior, the Autism Support Human. Nice to
meet you. Wow, nice to meet you too. That was
quite an entrance. Thanks, what's up? What's your name? I'm Lauren. Oh,
nice to meet you, Lauren, looking good? Oh? Thank you,
Auntismo Junior. So nice. Of you. You it looks so familiar. Yeah,
I get that a lot. Here. The amazing thing about
(15:38):
autism pleasant Phil is that there's always someone to run
interference for me in social situations. Today it's Autismo Junior,
my conference buddy, my icebreaker, and human form. If I
accidentally say anything uncouth, he immediately slips into the chat
to save me. So I think the thing that I
really don't like about organized religion is that kind of
(16:00):
love a puppy? Am I right? I got one for
each of us. I mean they're just so squeet and
their little noses. I die. Yeah, No, I love a puppy.
You want one? Yes? Please? Okay. Autismo Junior knows when
I need to tap out of a conversation, and he
steers me away from people I don't want to talk to.
He pays attention to when I'm maxed out, and shuttles
(16:22):
me away from scenes that are too loud and too hectic.
Oh yeah, no, I totally totally got that. Yep, no cool.
Oh you don't say love about that? Don't you have
Jerry duty? You have to get too? Now? You want
to be late for that? Isn't he great? I mean
not sure why he sounds like the world's oldest boy scout,
but he is charming, at least to me. So let
(16:45):
me walk you through a few other great features of
autism Pleasantville. They're no sirens ever, the music at bars
and restaurants has kept at a reasonable volume, and everyone
walking past you on the sidewalk gives you a friendly hello. Also,
music from the band fish is outlawed, but that has
nothing to do with autism. In autism Pleasantville, when you
(17:06):
go to a concert, all the tall people watch from
the back and no one ever stands too close to you,
and no stranger grazing. Also, free air plugs for all.
And the cops and autism pleasant Fille they're all basically
like Officer Clements from Mister Rogers neighborhood. They're kind and helpful,
and they understand exactly what autism is and can recognize
(17:28):
when someone is having a meltdown. Except unlike Officer Clements,
they don't take footpaths with neighbors. So autism pleasant fill
is pretty amazing, right at least for me. It has
everything I want. Cute dogs and nice looking tomatoes and
strangers at a safe distance. There's almost no conflict, and
(17:49):
there's very little friction. But the thing about autism pleasant
phil is that it's not a place you can live forever,
for the same reason you can't live at a five
star resort. At some point you begin to miss the
noise and the grit and the struggle of real life,
and every vacation has to end. Plus I missed the
neuro tips, so it's back to the real world for me.
(18:15):
Captain Natismo, take me home. You got a kid, What
that's weird. I'm not a kid. Not not that either.
(18:41):
I love onto some pleasant Phille because it's a world
built just for me, by me. In that world, there
is so much empathy and compassion. Quarks aren't pathologized or problematized.
There's part of who you are, no different than your
hair color or your shoe size. In Pleasantville, everything seems
(19:03):
manageable and nothing feels overwhelming. All the interactions are well lubricated,
and no one ever feels like a world class bumbler.
Because it's the friction that causes the problems, the disconnect
between the world and me. When I feel triggered or
misunderstood or unable to be heard, I get angry. It's
not all that charming, but I can't help it. My
(19:25):
emotions are literally boiling over and my brain is in hyperdrive.
Over the years, I've learned to better contain the anger,
to put it in a box and put that box
high up on a shelf. I don't always succeed, and
really is that the healthiest option? Compartmentalizing? Sometimes I take
(19:46):
that anger out of myself in the form of shame
or bad self talk or very occasional self harm. I mean,
how many times has my inner voice said the words
I hate myself? Maybe like ten hundred thousand million. I
tell myself it's my fault to five conflict and that
I really should work to smooth my own path. I
(20:06):
remind myself that if I'm a paying passenger struggle buss,
it's my own doing. But is it or is it
merely that I'm an immigrant to the neurotypical world. I
don't't speak the language, I don't know the customs, I
don't get the nuance, and the natives they don't get
me either. The autistic comedian Hannah Gadsby wrote about this
(20:31):
recently in her book Ten Steps to Nanette, a memoir situation. Here,
she is reading the audiobook. It's as if I am
an alien who has been abandoned on earth and left
to muddle my way through life without a reason, a mission,
or any memory of home. If you are a conspiracy theorist,
(20:53):
this is where you might begin to wonder if I
might perhaps be a lizard. I'm not now piss off.
Being an alien is isolating. We're social animals, even the
most introverted among us. We need people around us who
get us, and when you are neurodivergent, those people can
be few and far between. In Genara Narrenberg's book Divergent Mind,
(21:17):
she writes that the anxiety that many neurodivergent people feel
is the result of how cognitive difference is treated in
our society, which is to say that it's barely recognized
or understood or respected. And obviously, she writes, that leads
to feelings of insecurity, alienation, loneliness, and depression. Not exactly
(21:40):
my preferred combo platter. But living in a make believe
land doesn't ameliorate all those bad feelings, at least not permanently.
Autism Pleasantville is a great escape, a place to recharge
when it all gets too much. But my mouthy dog
doesn't live there, and my favorite four year old doesn't
live there. And that one old guy at the end
(22:01):
of my block who always shouts hey man when I
walk past, he doesn't live there either, And I want
to live where they live. I want to be around
my people, and now more than ever, I want my
people to also include other autistic folks. I have lots
of lovely friends, friends I've known for a million years,
(22:23):
and friends who are new but are definitely sticking around.
I feel lucky to have them, all of them, because
when I was a kid, I didn't have any. I
didn't really make an actual friend until tenth grade. I
was just too anxious. I remember one time, when I
was in eighth grade, a girl named Julianne Ginger like me,
(22:45):
asked me over to her house after school. I said yes,
and then immediately panicked. I had no idea what you
did at someone else's house. Did you play video games,
watch TV, do each other's hair and nails? But I
swallowed my terror. I went to her house, and then
I called my mom thirty minutes later to pick me up.
I feigned some sort of mystery's stomach ailment and called
(23:08):
it a day. I was never invited back. The point
is when you have a hard time making friends, you
cherish the ones you have, and I love my friends.
I would do anything for them. I hope they know that.
But apart from my girlfriend's eighteen year old son, none
of my friends are autistic and that was going to
(23:29):
have to change. So in the next episode, Lauren makes
an autistic friend, though I'm probably not going to make
any friends if I talk about myself in the third person.
(23:55):
You've been listening to the Loudest Girl in the World.
It's hosted, written, end executive produced by me Lauren Ober.
Our senior producer is writer. Also our associate producer is
David Jah. Sophie Crane is our showrunner. Senior editor Jake
Gorski is our mix engineer. Music imposed by my autistic
Kiwie Pale the Inimitable Lady Hawk. Our artwork was created
(24:19):
by the autistic illustrator Loretta Ipsum. The show was fact
checked by Andrea Lopez Cruzado, and our autism consultant is
Sarah Cappett. Our executive producers are Mia Lobell and Lee
tom Mullad. All the characters in this episode were voiced
(24:41):
by the comedic Swiss Army knife Kevin Zach. Check him
out online at Kevin Hyphenzach dot com. That Zach z
a K. This episode was conceived by writer Alsop. Thanks
for listening, friend,
Pushkin, I got a level with you, just between you
and me. This autism shit is hard. Fumbling through the
diagnosis and figuring out what it all means is setting
my teeth on edge. It is extremely uncomfortable mining my
past and then trying to fit all the pieces together,
(00:38):
not to mention all the researching and therapy and telling
my people EOI. I need a break from it all,
like a seventh inning stretch. There's still more work to do, Yes,
but your girl needs a breather, and I think I
know how to get the respite I'm so desperate for.
I need to go on a trip. I think a
(01:00):
little adventure will do me good. And I'm not the
only one who thinks that, yes, line right, you are
traveling is critical to your help. Inc Surely you remember
doctor Artismo. He's our esteemed colleague from a previous episode. Obviously,
doctor Artismo is not a real doctor. He's an actor,
but he does know all the things, so doctor. According
(01:25):
to science, why is travel good for us? The Lauren, Travel,
particularly abroad, has many benefits for fun, travel keeps you healthy.
People who take regular vacations are less likely to have
heart attacks than people who do not, and So that's
a good thing, because heart attacks are not very much fun.
(01:45):
I know, I've had seventeen plus. Travel enhance his mindfulness
and helps reduce stress and anxiety. Unless you lose your
bag or your plane crashes, then you are going to
be very stressed. Indeed, Doctor Artismo, all of that sounds amazing.
Any other benefits from taking a trip, Yes, there's one
(02:06):
more positive from traveling that comes even before you've left
terra Firma. Just planning a trip boosts your mood, enhances
your generous satisfaction this life. So even if your upstairs
neighbor is trying on her new foot and clogs while
you're deling at a two pm on a vac day,
you'll barely notice it because your mood will be so good.
(02:30):
Claim not evaluated or backed by science in any way.
So basically, doctor Antismo, traveling is a really important part
of our general wellness according to science. That's what I'm
getting here. Yes, Lord, you are picking up what I
am putting down. I'm also laying a ton pretty sick. Well.
(02:50):
I don't know about you, but I'm ready to get
out of here. All this autism reckoning I'm doing is hard.
I want to see new things. I want to meet
new people. I want to leave on a jet plane
right this minute. But I can't just journey to Cape
Town or Tokyo or Daytona Beach. I'll be in my
own dumb brain. I need to go as far away
(03:13):
from reality as I can possibly go. I need to
go to a little place called autism Berg, Downdale, Borrow, or,
as it's more affectionately known, Autism pleasant phil You're listening
to the Loudest Girl in the World. Who is not
(03:36):
the kid sitting next to you on the airplane. It's me,
Lauren Ober. The Loudest Girl in the World is a
show about finding yourself broken in a pretty dark place
and emerging from that place a mostly glued back together person.
(03:56):
This week, we're taking a little departure, get it, departure
from all the big feelings and the bonus sized tears
and the odjitive moving through a world where you never
feel quite like everybody else else and autism Pleasantville is
the perfect destination, well, my perfect destination, because, as we
(04:17):
can all recite from heart at this point, if you
know one autistic person, you know one autistic person. In
my neurodivergent Briga dune. There are no loud sirens, no
awkward silences, and everyone gets free therapy. Come on. Our
flight leave soon, but not before this ad break. Come on,
(04:56):
you goofballs. Our flight leave soon. Welcome passenger the Air
Autismia flight F eighty four point zero NonStop to autism Burntown, Delborow.
I'm Captain Autismo. I'll be getting you there today. A
(05:17):
couple of quick things before we take off. This is
a no headphone bleed flight, meaning if you have headphones
on and there's music bleeding out of them, we're gonna
have to ask you to turn the volume down. This
is for the comfort of your seat mate, sent for
the general health of your ears. At Air Autismia we care.
Second bit of business. This is also a no reclining flight.
(05:39):
So that little recline button on your armrest, yeah that one,
don't push it. I know it's tempting, but I promise
you that extra two inches of recline will not make
the difference between comfortable and not comfortable. While you're pretending
like you're in your grandpa's lazy Boy, that person behind
you is trying to pull their teeth out of their knees.
And anyway, our seats on air Autisma are so comfortable.
(06:00):
Why the funk would you need to recline? Last little
announcement before we take off. If you are Lauren over,
you absolutely do not have to sit near a window.
We know you have massive panic attacks if you sit
in a window seat, So so Lauren, pick an exit row.
I'll seat on us. We got your girl. Okay, that's
(06:22):
it for me. Sit back, relax and enjoy our a
quick trip to autismburg Town delborow and if there's anything
we can do to make your flight more pleasant with us,
please don't hesitate to let us know. And in what
seemed like a flash, we arrived in Autismburg down Dale
Borough aka autism pleasant Ville and headed to customs. Hi,
(06:47):
I'm Asian Autismo. Where are you coming from today? This
guy sounds familiar. Um, I just flew in from neurotypical landing.
Of all, you might know that that flight that came
in just now, right, And what is the purpose of
your visit? Well appreciate you asking. I'm I'm coming for
some R and R rest and relaxation. Also, there's this
(07:11):
conference that I'm gone. I'm just playing with you. I
know why you're here. I can tell by the way
you're rocking back and forth, and I can see a
jankie blankie peeking out of your bag. Also, you're talking
really loudly, which is totally okay. Anyway, no need for
a visa. You're among friends, okay, thank you, You're welcome.
This is easily the smoothest travel experience I have ever had.
(07:36):
No anxiously waiting online, no meltdowns at the gate, and
no stressful encounters with fellow passengers taking up valuable overhead
bin space with near empty backpacks, plus so much iced
tea in every terminal. I feel like this whole experience
was designed for me. Before I got on with the
(07:56):
business of exploring this atypical Xanado, I had to make
a food stop autism. Pleasantville is known for its lunch game,
which is wild because I love lunch. All the food
is vegetarian and thing is gross also in autism, plus,
bill capers are illegal, and eating weeds like dandy lion
greens is not a thing. Oh, there's my sweet pumpkin muffin.
(08:22):
They're so glad to have you dine with us today. Dearie,
here's your bottomless iced tea. Oh, chef, you always know
how to make me feel so welcome here, So good
to see you. Oh you too, Dear, you look gorgeous.
Oh sweet, have I got a treat for you? We
have beautiful tomatoes and none of them have those gross
white centers that you hate. Also, none of our tomatoes
(08:44):
have weird stamputs. In fact, none of our produce has butts. Miraculous, no,
totally miraculous. Also, I want to make sure you know
this isn't a rugular free restaurant. Deep, we would never
try to sneak any of that nasty garbage leaf into
your food. You have Chef Autismo's word, dear, not a
single one of those ruddy leaves. I've hidden them all away.
(09:06):
Dear Chevatismo, You're always taking care of me. It's so nice. Um.
Before I order, though, I wanted to make sure about dessert.
No nuts of any kind, right, I mean, yes, I
like peanuts and pistachios, but you know, not in things,
my dear. Of course, not to worry. We were prepared
for this, even before we knew you were coming. There
(09:26):
is not to wound. Nut Dora, hazel nut Dora macadamia
nut to be found in any of our dishes, especially
not to the dessert. Just smooth, creamy, delicious pettetes and
ice creams and all those weird old British puddings. You
are nuts if you think otherwise. Dear totally bunkers off
(09:47):
your rocker, totally get it. Thank you. Oh key enough
for me. Back to the scullery, I go. Let's get
your fed first, though. Love My meal at Caffeatismus was
(10:08):
a maze. It had everything I love, fake meats, pickled things,
crunchy things, jams and sauces without chunks, every kind of
delicious bread, mayonnaise and of course nut free, fruit free treats,
with nothing that I hate. I didn't have to gag
anything down just to be polite or embarrassingly picked through
(10:30):
my food to find the things I can't even consider
putting in my mouth. It was like the whole restaurant
was built just for me and my needs. After lunch,
I headed to my hotel. All the rooms in the
hotel are built like bank faults with windows, meaning I
can't hear the other guests. Catterwalling, which generally isn't a
(10:50):
problem in the first place because in autism pleasant Fille,
no one ever catterwalls. In my hotel room, the pillows
are all firm and the water pressure is excellent. Also
bar soap only in the shower, none of this millennial
body wash nonsense. And one of the most important features
of the room. No human hairs anywhere that are not mine,
(11:12):
Not in the tub, not on the sink, not in
the bed or on the desk. No evidence that another
person has shed anywhere in the vicinity. What I don't
like other people's hair, sue me. The lobby of my
hotel is full of lovely people, but more importantly, it's
a wash in puppers, because, since this is my fantasy,
(11:36):
my hotel is dog friendly. So many cuties to pet.
Who's a cute guy, It's so cute. Oh who's fuzzy?
Who's a fudgy guy? Oh? Wait, but I couldn't tarry
in the lobby. I was here on business. I had
a conference to attend. Now I know I've mentioned before
(11:57):
that professional conferences are my social anxiety nightmare. Too many people,
too many variables, too many opportunities to say dumb shit.
I have actually broken out in hives before because of
conference dread. But here's a little secret. I actually kind
of love conferences, except that one conference where I got
(12:18):
dumped that sucked. At conferences, I get to see my
friends who live elsewhere, and I get to learn stuff,
and sometimes I get to give talks and make jokes.
But all the times when I'm not chatting to friends
or learning stuff, I generally feel like I'm going to barf.
This conference is a little different. It's for middle age,
perimenopausal gingers who love dogs, ride bikes, and have weird
(12:41):
interests like cobblery or online makeup tutorials or the Netflix
show Love Is Blind. I mean, just to name a
few randoms. So the likelihood that I'm going to pass
out from anxiety is low. However, the chance that I'm
going to be socially awkward still actually pretty high. Let's
do this, or maybe let's just see how long I
(13:03):
can make it before I have to bow out. Hey
I'm Louise. Hey Louise. Nice meeting. I'm Lauren. So, uh,
what's your favorite holiday? Uh? Actually, I don't really like
holidays very much. I feel like holidays are really stressful.
It's like mandatory fun. Oh boy, oh lord, it's starting. Yeah,
(13:23):
so I just like, I don't know, I'd prefer to
just hang out with my friends. I mean, I guess
if I had to pick one, I don't know, like, well, Thanksgiving,
but then it's problematic. Why it's a problematic. It's just
weird to celebrate, you know, the annihilation of people also
by eating turkey. I don't know, it just feels weird
to me. Oh boy, it's just so stressful to talk
(13:46):
to people of these things. What about the Fourth of July?
You know, I mean, I guess fireworks are okay. I
like fireworks sometimes, but they're very loud, and I don't know,
I mean there's kind of kind of like you've seen one,
you've seen them all kind of thing with fire like
them because there's hot dogs. Oh right, I don't know.
I'm vegetarian. Oh my god, I had a feeling. Why
are you a vegetarian? Oh boy? You know, I'm a
(14:08):
vegetarian because I just I feel like I don't really
want to eat living things or things that had a
face or feeling this would happen. This is called conference mouth,
and it's a very common ailment of mine. And to
just stick the vegetables and so it's time to hit
the eject button on this conversation. Luckily you can do
that in autism pleasant fill. That's because I have a
(14:31):
handy dandy cloak of invisibility. It came in my conference
swag bag, along with other do dads I can actually use,
like an umbrella and some pencils and a packet of
anti diarrheal medicine. My cloak of invisibility allows me to
wander the conference without being seen. But don't worry, I'm
not being creepy when I wear it. It's just that
(14:53):
I can enjoy the conviviality of the whole scene without
having to worry about sticking my foot in it or
running on at the mouth, or ending a conversation in
the most maximally awkward way. But sometimes at this conference,
I actually do want to engage with people, but I
feel like I need a buffer. Tellabunga man, look out. Hey,
(15:16):
I'm a TISMO Junior, the Autism Support Human. Nice to
meet you. Wow, nice to meet you too. That was
quite an entrance. Thanks, what's up? What's your name? I'm Lauren. Oh,
nice to meet you, Lauren, looking good? Oh? Thank you,
Auntismo Junior. So nice. Of you. You it looks so familiar. Yeah,
I get that a lot. Here. The amazing thing about
(15:38):
autism pleasant Phil is that there's always someone to run
interference for me in social situations. Today it's Autismo Junior,
my conference buddy, my icebreaker, and human form. If I
accidentally say anything uncouth, he immediately slips into the chat
to save me. So I think the thing that I
really don't like about organized religion is that kind of
(16:00):
love a puppy? Am I right? I got one for
each of us. I mean they're just so squeet and
their little noses. I die. Yeah, No, I love a puppy.
You want one? Yes? Please? Okay. Autismo Junior knows when
I need to tap out of a conversation, and he
steers me away from people I don't want to talk to.
He pays attention to when I'm maxed out, and shuttles
(16:22):
me away from scenes that are too loud and too hectic.
Oh yeah, no, I totally totally got that. Yep, no cool.
Oh you don't say love about that? Don't you have
Jerry duty? You have to get too? Now? You want
to be late for that? Isn't he great? I mean
not sure why he sounds like the world's oldest boy scout,
but he is charming, at least to me. So let
(16:45):
me walk you through a few other great features of
autism Pleasantville. They're no sirens ever, the music at bars
and restaurants has kept at a reasonable volume, and everyone
walking past you on the sidewalk gives you a friendly hello. Also,
music from the band fish is outlawed, but that has
nothing to do with autism. In autism Pleasantville, when you
(17:06):
go to a concert, all the tall people watch from
the back and no one ever stands too close to you,
and no stranger grazing. Also, free air plugs for all.
And the cops and autism pleasant Fille they're all basically
like Officer Clements from Mister Rogers neighborhood. They're kind and helpful,
and they understand exactly what autism is and can recognize
(17:28):
when someone is having a meltdown. Except unlike Officer Clements,
they don't take footpaths with neighbors. So autism pleasant fill
is pretty amazing, right at least for me. It has
everything I want. Cute dogs and nice looking tomatoes and
strangers at a safe distance. There's almost no conflict, and
(17:49):
there's very little friction. But the thing about autism pleasant
phil is that it's not a place you can live forever,
for the same reason you can't live at a five
star resort. At some point you begin to miss the
noise and the grit and the struggle of real life,
and every vacation has to end. Plus I missed the
neuro tips, so it's back to the real world for me.
(18:15):
Captain Natismo, take me home. You got a kid, What
that's weird. I'm not a kid. Not not that either.
(18:41):
I love onto some pleasant Phille because it's a world
built just for me, by me. In that world, there
is so much empathy and compassion. Quarks aren't pathologized or problematized.
There's part of who you are, no different than your
hair color or your shoe size. In Pleasantville, everything seems
(19:03):
manageable and nothing feels overwhelming. All the interactions are well lubricated,
and no one ever feels like a world class bumbler.
Because it's the friction that causes the problems, the disconnect
between the world and me. When I feel triggered or
misunderstood or unable to be heard, I get angry. It's
not all that charming, but I can't help it. My
(19:25):
emotions are literally boiling over and my brain is in hyperdrive.
Over the years, I've learned to better contain the anger,
to put it in a box and put that box
high up on a shelf. I don't always succeed, and
really is that the healthiest option? Compartmentalizing? Sometimes I take
(19:46):
that anger out of myself in the form of shame
or bad self talk or very occasional self harm. I mean,
how many times has my inner voice said the words
I hate myself? Maybe like ten hundred thousand million. I
tell myself it's my fault to five conflict and that
I really should work to smooth my own path. I
(20:06):
remind myself that if I'm a paying passenger struggle buss,
it's my own doing. But is it or is it
merely that I'm an immigrant to the neurotypical world. I
don't't speak the language, I don't know the customs, I
don't get the nuance, and the natives they don't get
me either. The autistic comedian Hannah Gadsby wrote about this
(20:31):
recently in her book Ten Steps to Nanette, a memoir situation. Here,
she is reading the audiobook. It's as if I am
an alien who has been abandoned on earth and left
to muddle my way through life without a reason, a mission,
or any memory of home. If you are a conspiracy theorist,
(20:53):
this is where you might begin to wonder if I
might perhaps be a lizard. I'm not now piss off.
Being an alien is isolating. We're social animals, even the
most introverted among us. We need people around us who
get us, and when you are neurodivergent, those people can
be few and far between. In Genara Narrenberg's book Divergent Mind,
(21:17):
she writes that the anxiety that many neurodivergent people feel
is the result of how cognitive difference is treated in
our society, which is to say that it's barely recognized
or understood or respected. And obviously, she writes, that leads
to feelings of insecurity, alienation, loneliness, and depression. Not exactly
(21:40):
my preferred combo platter. But living in a make believe
land doesn't ameliorate all those bad feelings, at least not permanently.
Autism Pleasantville is a great escape, a place to recharge
when it all gets too much. But my mouthy dog
doesn't live there, and my favorite four year old doesn't
live there. And that one old guy at the end
(22:01):
of my block who always shouts hey man when I
walk past, he doesn't live there either, And I want
to live where they live. I want to be around
my people, and now more than ever, I want my
people to also include other autistic folks. I have lots
of lovely friends, friends I've known for a million years,
(22:23):
and friends who are new but are definitely sticking around.
I feel lucky to have them, all of them, because
when I was a kid, I didn't have any. I
didn't really make an actual friend until tenth grade. I
was just too anxious. I remember one time, when I
was in eighth grade, a girl named Julianne Ginger like me,
(22:45):
asked me over to her house after school. I said yes,
and then immediately panicked. I had no idea what you
did at someone else's house. Did you play video games,
watch TV, do each other's hair and nails? But I
swallowed my terror. I went to her house, and then
I called my mom thirty minutes later to pick me up.
I feigned some sort of mystery's stomach ailment and called
(23:08):
it a day. I was never invited back. The point
is when you have a hard time making friends, you
cherish the ones you have, and I love my friends.
I would do anything for them. I hope they know that.
But apart from my girlfriend's eighteen year old son, none
of my friends are autistic and that was going to
(23:29):
have to change. So in the next episode, Lauren makes
an autistic friend, though I'm probably not going to make
any friends if I talk about myself in the third person.
(23:55):
You've been listening to the Loudest Girl in the World.
It's hosted, written, end executive produced by me Lauren Ober.
Our senior producer is writer. Also our associate producer is
David Jah. Sophie Crane is our showrunner. Senior editor Jake
Gorski is our mix engineer. Music imposed by my autistic
Kiwie Pale the Inimitable Lady Hawk. Our artwork was created
(24:19):
by the autistic illustrator Loretta Ipsum. The show was fact
checked by Andrea Lopez Cruzado, and our autism consultant is
Sarah Cappett. Our executive producers are Mia Lobell and Lee
tom Mullad. All the characters in this episode were voiced
(24:41):
by the comedic Swiss Army knife Kevin Zach. Check him
out online at Kevin Hyphenzach dot com. That Zach z
a K. This episode was conceived by writer Alsop. Thanks
for listening, friend,
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