Senior Living: Own Your Timeline

This week we continue to learn what senior living is like from residents. Suzanne Newman on the Answers for Elders podcast is joined by Jen, daughter of resident Ann at Chateau Pacific in Lynnwood, Washington. Jennifer McKassan is agency owner at Apples to Zebras Insurance in Lynnwood, so she works within the industry where people are investigating long term care planning.

Jen says, "People drive too long, or they keep their houses for too long, and they keep that responsibility for them for too long. And for whatever reason they do it, it ends up putting everybody involved into a place of of crisis. When it does come to the point where everybody involved realizes, oh, dear, it's time. And it was probably time about a year ago. I've seen families where they were dealing with degenerative illness, and they just didn't want to accept that that was the the next phase of life. When you own the timeline, you can control the timeline. And what I've seen was people who didn't do that ended up with a more expensive experience, a more traumatic experience, and a more damaged relationship with their families. I didn't want that with my mom. I wanted to be my mom's daughter all the way to the end of her life."

Jen described her mom's journey after retirement. She had been staying temporarily with Jen and her husband. "Mom had stopped driving, and she didn't know how to use paratransit yet. And my husband and I are both active professionals. We didn't have that flexibility in our days to really give mom the life that she wanted as a retired person. That active life, the 'hey, I want to go to a museum on a Wednesday' and I'm like, 'boy, would that be fun. I have to work. I have five appointments today,' and having to say, 'No, mom, I can't do that.' It takes its toll. And it turns you from a daughter to kind of a gatekeeper to fun. And I don't want to be the gatekeeper on my mom's fun."

But having those conversations is difficult. Suzanne pointed out, "We don't necessarily know how to have those conversations with dad or with mom, when the talking isn't matching what's happening. You're not fine, Dad, and you're not able to get up, you're a fall risk. You're going to have a bad fall. A lot of us as adult children don't know how to have the conversations or we're in a situation where we feel like it's not our place."

Jen replied, "It is our place. If you're the one picking up the pieces, it is your place. And you have an absolute right to say something about that, and almost an obligation, in my opinion, because it it's a hard conversation to have. It's a courageous conversation to have. And when we come at it from a place of love and that's what I did with my mom, I came at it from a place of love. I'm like, 'I don't want to be picking a place out of thin air just because they had a bed open and whatever we could afford that had a bed open and, you know, maybe this place will work and maybe it won't. I want to own this timeline. I want you to get to know people there. I want you to make friends there. I want you to feel like you belong there.'"

Jen adds, "There's a 70% chance that we will need assisted living or some form of assistive care in our later years. So if there's a 70% chance that something is going to happen, like it's going to rain, we're going to bring a raincoat, right? So when we when we talk about owning the timeline, we pick the place. We're going to get those services before we need them, move in when we're still independent, when we might not need what they have to offer in the greatest sense. But we pick the place we belong, so that we can make the friends. We can use our brain plasticity while we have it, to make friends and find new activities. Like Mom had never played video games like Wii Jeopardy before. I was like, Oh, this is fantastic. And Wii Bowling.

"Owning