November 23, 2025 • 50 mins
Alka Sharma welcomes Dr. Gloria Vanderhorst to discuss emotional needs and developmental differences in early childhood. The conversation explores the impact of trauma on young children and therapeutic approaches to address it. Emphasizing resilience and emotional health, they delve into writing with empathy and tackling childhood isolation. Dr. Vanderhorst highlights trends in trauma-informed care and the significance of group support. They discuss personal journeys through trauma, the importance of past experiences in therapy, and how preschoolers respond to trauma, fostering emotional brilliance. The episode concludes with ways to connect with Dr. Vanderhorst and closing remarks.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:03):
Hi, everyone.
Welcome to another episode of Ask the Expertspodcast.
So grateful to have each and everyone tune inweek in and week out to listen, learn, and
grow.
Today's episode, we have an incredible guest.
And when we wanna learn as parents oreducators, how we need to learn how do we need
(00:28):
to deal with children's emotional health andwell-being, especially when it comes to trauma,
how do we respond to such situations?
Doctor Gloria Vanderhorst is gonna be sharinginsights so you don't wanna miss this episode.
Doctor Vanderhorst is a psychologist.
(00:50):
She has over fifty plus years of experiencehelping preschoolers and helping them in the
areas of trauma, emotional health, and how shehas navigated and how parents are, you know,
calling doctor Vanderhorst to help them inthose situations.
(01:13):
Doctor Vanderhorst has helped families, groups,schools to helping preschoolers.
She's also a bestselling author of her books,the three r's to change and read, reflect, and
respond.
Doctor Vanderhorst, welcome to the show.
(01:34):
Thank you so much.
Alka, I'm really excited to be here and to talkwith you and to engage your audience as well.
Absolutely.
I wanna start with based on your extensive workwith preschoolers, what are the most critical
(01:56):
emotional needs that go unrecognized in inearly childhood, especially among trauma
affected children?
So in children in general, let me start there.
Right?
There is a significant difference between thedevelopmental progression for boys and girls.
(02:22):
They do not develop at the same rate or in thesame way.
But we put them together in a preschool asthough they are developing in the same way and
at the same rate.
Right now, our preschools are really designedto accommodate females.
(02:48):
And I think the reason for that is that themajority of our preschools are actually run by
females.
Mhmm.
And so it's just a natural progression, anatural thought that the way that they organize
the classroom, the way that they organize theday is to fit the developmental needs of the
(03:14):
little girls
Right.
So much the developmental needs of the littleboys.
And you could look at this even in the physicalcharacteristics of the classroom.
Right?
Classrooms are organized with tables andstations.
(03:34):
You will not well, I know of one preschool inMaryland, but majority of preschools do not
have trees in them.
Twins.
And boys like to climb trees.
Right.
In other words, the physical plant itself isnot really laid out to accommodate the
(04:04):
physical, muscular energy of a preschool boy.
The boy needs to move.
The boy needs to climb.
The boy needs to be active.
He's attending.
Right?
But it's not easy for him to sit in the circle.
It's easy for the girls to sit in the circleand listen to the story.
(04:29):
The boy needs to have his body in motion andengaged, and he's still listening to the story.
But because most of our preschools are staffedand run by women, we don't design the classroom
(04:50):
to accommodate the male.
The other truth is that boys developmentallylag behind girls in development, in social
development.
And so we have this expectation that both boysand girls should be in the same place
(05:14):
developmentally.
It's not possible.
They have different pathways, and ourpreschools have not been able to accommodate
those different pathways.
And that has been a long term impact on theemotional development of the boy.
Right.
(05:34):
Absolutely.
I mean, it's just very interesting the youknow, as you mentioned, the characteristics.
You know, boys like to they like to move.
They always like moving around, and, you know,it's very hard for them to sit still.
So to the next question along to, what you justalluded to, how does early childhood trauma in
(05:56):
that case uniquely affect the brain developmentof, you know, of children or preschools?
Affected with trauma.
It it definitely is a traumatic experience.
Right.
Yeah.
Right?
So we can we can also kinda back up even intoinfancy because for boys, there are trauma
(06:21):
experiences for boys in infancy that are notpresent for girls.
And the trauma experience is that women,mothers, whether it's the caretaker or the
mother.
Right?
Most of our children are still raised byfemales from infancy to preschool time.
(06:47):
There is an increase in the number of fathersthat are staying home and raising infants, but
the majority are still raised by females.
And females do not know, that boys come intothe world with a broader range of emotional
(07:07):
expression than girls do.
So when a mother is interacting with her infantand the boy gets emotionally more intense,
let's say, the positive end of the continuum,kinda more excited, more agitated, more active.
(07:28):
Mother, without realizing what she's doing, isgoing to have a reaction to that that sends a
message to the infant that, oops, I shouldn'tgo that high.
I shouldn't be that intense.
Right?
Maybe mother just backs up a little bit.
Maybe mother's face changes.
(07:51):
Right?
Maybe mother gets really concerned about, youknow, why are you getting so hyper up here?
It's natural for the boy.
Mother doesn't understand understand that boysdo come in to the world with a broader range of
emotional expression.
And so just unintentionally, mother sends themessage that, you know, I'm not comfortable
(08:17):
with that range of emotional expression.
Infants are brilliant.
Reading emotional context is their survivalmechanism is the only way that they have of
taking care of themselves.
And so when mother gives that feedback,unintentional feedback, the infant boy narrows
(08:43):
his range of expression.
Right?
And he does it to survive.
Now mother is not really threatening when shedoes that.
You know?
Oops.
I don't like that.
But the infant has to take that seriously andhas to curtail emotional expression.
(09:07):
So from infancy, we are training boys to narrowthe range of expression.
Uh-huh.
And then socially, when they start to walk andtalk Right.
We make a huge difference between what'sacceptable behavior for a boy and what's
(09:29):
acceptable behavior for a girl.
Right?
Girls can cry.
Girls can get agitated.
Girls can be pissy, if you will, as toddlers.
Boys cannot.
They cannot.
We don't let our boys cry.
Mhmm.
That's powerful.
(09:49):
That is very powerful.
And I guess it kinda stems from if boys are notallowed to cry, then as they get into
adulthood, you know, we find, you know, if if aman does cry at a funeral, for example, then is
that where it kinda stems from that because ifa man does cry, he's known as weak.
(10:12):
Yes.
So that's
what we
stand by.
We have associated that with emotionalexpression.
Right.
Through
the he can't really be tender.
He can't really be crying.
He can't be needy in any way, but that thoseare human emotions.
Right.
Yeah.
Right?
(10:32):
They're not sexual emotions.
Right.
Those are human emotions, and we're born withthat range of feeling.
And and so we rob the male population, and andwe we have, there's there's kind of a good
reason for it historically.
(10:54):
If you go back to being a caveman, I don't wantmy caveman crying and weeping Right. About
About taking his spear and going out andkilling something for us to eat.
Uh-huh.
But right?
And so in wars, I don't want my man crying andweeping.
Right?
I want him running towards the front.
(11:15):
But, you know, come on.
We're not doing that kind of social waranymore.
Right?
We're pushing buttons and sending missiles.
(11:35):
Right?
Yes.
Blind planes and dropping bombs.
So the future for men and women really has tochange so that there's a healthier experience
for both male and female adults.
(11:59):
Absolutely.
Could you walk us through, Gloria, theeffective or therapeutic approaches you have
found when it comes to traumatizedpreschoolers, and how have they able to manage?
I will tell you that emotionally, preschoolersare brilliant.
(12:24):
Right?
We don't give them enough credit for the waythat they can understand and process trauma.
I will give you just one very simple example.
I worked with a preschool boy several yearsago.
Parents were divorced, and they had beendivorced since infancy.
(12:47):
They had a long term marriage relationshipbefore they decided to have children.
And when they had children, they discoveredthey had very different approaches to
parenting.
And so they decided to separate but tocooperate, and the boy moved back and forth
between these two houses a week at a time.
(13:09):
Mhmm.
Right?
And he was a terror in both houses.
Oh, wow.
A terror.
Just a three year old who would do tantrums ineach house, you know, who would cause problems,
throw things around.
He was just, like, totally unhappy in bothhouses.
(13:31):
So they brought him to me to figure out, well,what's going on with
this?
Yeah.
Right?
He is traumatized.
There's no doubt about it.
That's why he's throwing temper tantrums inboth houses.
And after doing some sessions of play therapywith him, I thought, okay.
(13:52):
We're kind of connected.
It's safe enough for me to ask about, you know,what happens for you as you move back and
forth?
And, you know Mhmm.
Mom and dad say that you're, you know, you'repretty angry in both houses.
Right?
(14:12):
And and I will say it again.
Alright?
Infants, preschoolers are emotionallybrilliant.
So this little guy says to me well, I nevercry.
I never cry.
He says, my tears, I don't let them come outhere.
I make them go down here.
(14:34):
I swallow them.
They go into my tummy.
They turn into rocks, and then they go rightback out my mouth, and I throw them all around
the room.
Now if that isn't the most perfect descriptionof suppressing emotion.
(14:57):
Right?
Yes.
It's a brilliant description.
Yeah.
How
do you suppress emotion?
Yeah.
Right?
And so preschoolers who are struggling areemotionally problem solving.
(15:18):
Right?
They are figuring out what do I need to do tocommunicate to the world around me that I am in
distress.
And that was his solution, right, was just tobe active and angry and irritated in each
(15:39):
household.
But when he could actually describe that Mhmm.
Then you could do some work with father,mother, and this preschooler.
But you have to trust the fact thatpreschoolers are emotionally brilliant.
(16:01):
They are still in that stage where they havenot accepted the cultural dynamic that narrows
the range of emotional intelligence, for boys.
Right.
Right.
Exactly.
And that's that's such a great you know, Ialways find it fascinating, especially when it
(16:28):
comes to, like, you know, preschoolers, youknow, the the the emotions like you, you know,
you described, the two parents that weredivorced.
But, also, is there a root cause of, like, howdo we find because and even as they get into
teenagers, you know, they can rebel.
I mean, I've heard of cases that, you know,children, they, you know, get into adulthood.
(16:52):
They get they get rebellious.
They get so out of, you know, whack.
Even at school, they don't pay attention.
Mhmm.
Is there is there a recourse exactly like whathappens and how how do we how do we identify
that?
So they Curiosity.
Curiosity.
(17:13):
Yeah.
Uh-huh.
Curiosity is the key.
Alright?
We are born emotionally intelligent.
Mhmm.
That's our survival mechanism is to read theroom.
I tell people if you if you want to develop abusiness with a group of people, get a baby.
(17:36):
Pass the baby around the room.
Right.
Right?
Uh-huh.
And the partner who will be safe andtrustworthy, the baby will be happy and cooing.
Yeah.
And the partner that will be risky, the babywill be fidgety and a little bit agitated, and
the partner that will ruin your business, thebaby will start crying.
(18:02):
There's nothing wrong with the baby.
The baby doesn't need to be fed.
The baby doesn't need to have a diaper change.
There is nothing wrong with the baby.
The baby has just accurately read the emotionaltone of each human being in the room.
Babies are brilliant.
That's their survival mechanism.
(18:24):
Right?
They survive on emotional intelligence.
And what we fail to recognize as we moveforward is the emotional intelligence of
children can be trusted.
(18:46):
We can invest in really understanding andappreciating that emotional intelligence.
So if there is a stress in the family and yousend that child to school, the child will
communicate the stress in the family and theirown behavior.
(19:09):
Right?
So if they are poking the person next to them,if they are acting out, they're really trying
to say to you, I am not safe.
Alright?
The place that I come from has some element ofdisquiet or danger to it, and I'm trying to get
(19:34):
the world to pay attention.
I'm trying to get others to pay attention andto help me problem solve this because something
is happening in my family that is notemotionally healthy for me.
And so I've got a choice.
I either announce this to the world and getattention.
(19:57):
Mhmm.
Alright?
Or I get damaged by this.
Alright?
And frequently, our children are being damagedby the distress and the dysfunction in our
families of origin.
So children are a wealth of information Mhmm.
(20:19):
Of how to intervene and how to heal stressorsand traumas that are happening in their
families of origin, but we don't tend to givethem much credit for that.
Mhmm.
Absolutely.
Yes.
What what guidelines do you offer to parentsand educators?
(20:44):
So I ask parents Mhmm.
To be vigilant, right, about really payingattention to what their children are doing in
terms of their behavior and theircommunication.
If you are a parent and you challenge yourselfto say, okay.
(21:09):
I'm just gonna keep track.
Right?
I'm not a professional, but I'm just gonna keeptrack.
Right.
And you take that log, write that record to aprofessional.
Uh-huh.
They will be able to help you understand what'sthe dynamic that's happening between you and
(21:32):
that child.
It's very difficult to see it when you'reengaged in the relationship.
But if you take that to a professional, theprofessional is just kind of one step away and
can facilitate understanding of what is thedynamic that's happening.
(21:53):
And it's true that as parents, right, our ownhistories will jump into the present.
So the way we were treated as children willdefinitely jump into the present and impact the
way that we are relating to and treating ourown children.
(22:14):
So getting help is really a key.
Right.
Absolutely.
What what resilience practices do you do youoffer that all you would recommend to parents
when it comes to the emotional health, theemotional strength of children, and who who are
(22:37):
some of the experts parents can go to?
So self discovery for any parent is reallyimportant.
Right.
Right.
We all have emotional histories.
Mhmm.
Alright?
They're pieces of trauma that exist for all ofus.
(23:01):
Alright?
It could be a big t or it could be a little t,but we all have trauma histories.
Right.
So if we take ourselves seriously and and diginto, right, what is my trauma history?
Because I'm bringing that into this family, andI am using it to impact my family.
(23:29):
So the recent book that I have published, whichis read, reflect, respond the three r's of
growth and change is a journal book to helpparents uncover what are their trauma
histories.
Oh, wow.
How is
their family impacted the way that theyfunction so that they can benefit from their
(23:55):
own insights, and that will lead them to do abetter job of connecting and understanding
their own children and facilitating positivegrowth in their own children.
Right.
You you did you mentioned, you know,identifying your trauma history.
(24:17):
And I just wanna just wanna share my traumahistory.
You know, I know there was there was a timeabout good maybe nine, ten years ago when I
would I would, you know, just walk in a room,whether it be family or friends, and they had a
baby.
The baby would start to cry.
(24:40):
And I'm not sure if that was because, you know,I've gone through a divorce maybe.
But, you know, it is so fascinating that a babyrecognizes
Right.
Who they wanna go to, and baby will start tocry.
I mean, I'm a female.
I got muggling instincts, but it is soincredible.
(25:00):
The baby will just start to cry.
Mhmm.
Mhmm.
And how did that impact you?
Well, I mean, it impacted me greatly at thattime.
I mean, I you know, I've got two kids, a boyand a girl.
But at that time, you know, it just reallyimpacted me greatly because I would start to
(25:21):
think, you know, am I less worthy of, you know,becoming a mother?
And, you know, sometimes, you know, you go wego we go through those emotions.
Am I am I worthy to become a mother?
Although, you know, as a female, but noteverybody perhaps can be a mother.
(25:42):
But, you know, that was just me, and it wasjust so interesting.
You you know, you mentioned we all have atrauma history.
We do.
We need to recognize that.
Right.
And it's wonderful that you were able to payattention to that.
Some people would just discount it and notnotice the pattern.
Mhmm.
But you were at the point in your life whereyou could really pay attention to that pattern.
(26:09):
That's incredibly valuable.
Yeah.
No.
Thank you so much.
And but this has been so incredible, you know,learning about preschoolers and, you know,
children in general, about their health andwell-being and, you know, when they're trauma
with the from a divorced family and how thatgreatly impacts them.
(26:30):
So doctor VanderForce, as the bestsellingauthor of your books, read, reflect, and, you
know, three hours of change, how do you balancethe the critical empathetic aspects when
writing about childhood trauma?
(26:51):
Could you share with us?
So it's very important for all of us tounderstand that each one of us has some form of
trauma history.
Right.
We don't escape it.
Oh.
Right?
Yeah.
There are events that happen to all of us.
And as I said, some of them are little t's.
(27:14):
Right?
Maybe I get rejected at school.
Maybe people don't wanna play with me on theplayground.
Maybe I miss an opportunity in middle school tobe chosen for something that I longed to
participate with.
Or on the playground, I get chosen last.
(27:37):
Right?
We're choosing teams, and I'm not at the top ofthe list.
So we all have traumas and appreciating thatunderstanding those events and the impact that
they have on the way that we feel aboutourselves and the way then that we end up
(28:01):
relating to others around us Yeah.
Is really critical.
So the little t's are powerful, and the big t'sare powerful.
Right?
We can be abused as children physically oremotionally.
Mhmm.
Right?
(28:21):
Those are powerful.
Those are big t's.
And we have to be able to be transparent withthose who care for us about the fact that I do
have a big t history, and I need help with it.
(28:43):
We're born connected to another human being.
Mhmm.
And the way that we grow and the way that wedevelop in healthy directions is connection to
another human being.
Right.
It's critical.
I mean, we can, absolutely.
I mean, we can never do anything on our own asparents, educators, and, you know, even
(29:09):
children.
You they can't be sort of left alone whenthey're at school.
They're, you know, they're, you know, nobodywants to play with them.
They're isolated even at school and when theycome home.
Perhaps that's the same dynamics, especiallywhen you come from a dysfunctional family, you
know, when the parents are divorced.
Mhmm.
(29:29):
How do we deal with that?
What are some of the guidelines that you mightoffer our viewers if that's the case?
The children are isolated at school.
Nobody wants to play with them.
They don't belong.
They don't fit in.
How what are some of the guidelines in thataspect you've gotta offer the listeners?
(29:50):
Yeah.
First, as the adult in this system, you have totake yourself seriously.
You cannot offer help to your child who isfeeling isolated, rejected, put down
Mhmm.
Unless you can really identify with thatexperience and not be triggered yourself.
(30:15):
Right.
And I would say kind of historically, when yourchild is experiencing these negative
experiences and relationships at school isprobably going to trigger negative experiences
that you have had.
(30:36):
They may not be the same.
Right?
But it will trigger you.
So you have to do two things.
It's like the directions on a plane.
Right?
If the plane is in trouble, right, you put yourmask on first.
Right.
Yes.
And then you put the mask on the child.
(30:59):
Right.
So you have to take care of yourself first.
You have to take yourself seriously, and thenyou can facilitate growth and healthy
development in your child.
Right.
Right.
Are there any new insights, that, you know,when writing your best selling books, the three
(31:22):
r's to change and read, reflect?
And are there any new insights or trends?
And I'm always about the trend, you know,learning about you know, when it comes to the
medical aspect.
But also, you know, I love to know about trendsand especially in your experience, in your in
(31:44):
you know, expertise.
Are there any new trends or insights when itcomes to trauma informed care for preschoolers?
And how and do you believe that practitionersare not aware or how can they become aware of
what is happening?
(32:05):
So, obviously, one of the ways that I believeand the reason I wrote this book that people
can be aware is that they do their own work.
And many times, people do not want to go see atherapist.
They think that's way too vulnerable.
Yes.
But,
you know, you can start with the book andresearch some of your own early experiences,
(32:32):
some of your own trauma experiences, and getcomfortable with the reality that we all have
histories.
And those histories have traumas in the Theyhave little t traumas.
They have big t traumas.
But it's important that we take those seriouslyand unlock them and open the door to free those
(32:58):
traumas so that you can be available to yourchild.
You can be available to your spouse.
You can be available to your family.
Traumas lock us up.
Little ones, big ones.
Right?
They take a part of us, and they lock it up.
They box it up in your brain, and that part canno longer be available for relationships.
(33:25):
So unlocking those pieces is really critical.
And you can facilitate that through workingthrough a book like read, reflect, respond.
You can facilitate that by engaging in therapyor joining a group, right, where you get the
(33:45):
sense of support that you're not the only onein the room who is working through traumas
Right.
Big t's or little t's.
But taking yourself seriously and realizingthat this is common.
It's not unusual.
All of us have had traumatic experiences, andall of us can do the work and the research to
(34:11):
heal from those experiences, and we benefiteveryone in relationship to us benefits when we
do that healing work.
Right.
And being a part of a group is always, youknow, really benefits.
Mhmm.
You know, you work with groups, families,individuals, schools.
(34:34):
I think a group setting just like, you know,the AA Alcoholic Anonymous.
You know, it's you're in a part of a group.
You're not alone.
And I think when you feel you're alone, that'swhen perhaps you don't you you don't heal.
You don't improve.
Right?
Right.
But
when you're part of a group, you know, everyonethere to support.
(34:55):
You're there.
So I think that's one of the best.
You know, I love being part of a group.
And, you know, as we said, no one is meant todo anything alone.
Right.
Yes.
We're born connected.
We need to stay in connection.
We don't have to have a ton of connections inorder to be emotionally healthy.
(35:16):
Right.
But we have to be in relationship with others,and that relationship has to support us,
benefit us, understand us, and help us to betransparent and critical of ourselves so that
we can be honest about what are the earlytrauma experiences, what are some of the big
(35:44):
t's and little t's Mhmm.
That impact us, and that we're all capable ofhealing.
Nobody has to carry that forward.
Right.
And even as, you know, adults, you mentioned,you know, we need to we need to be real.
We need to acknowledge and take ourselvesseriously.
(36:07):
Because when we take ourselves seriously asparents or educators, we are able to help our
children.
Right.
You know, and what they are going through.
And I'm just gonna go off tangent a little bit,and I'm gonna talk about because it relates to
the same thing, trauma.
I know when I went through a traumatic divorce,it was you know, that part of me took time to
(36:33):
heal.
Absolutely.
Had But I had to give myself permission.
I had to be the one to really acknowledge that,yes, I'm going through a divorce, but divorce
is everyone goes through this difficultemotional time.
I'm not the only one.
But when I began to realize, you know and alsowhat really helped me was the book.
(36:56):
And I wish I had your book at that time, thethree Rs to Change.
The book that I read at that time was feelingsnever feelings buried alive.
Yeah.
Feelings buried alive never die.
Mhmm.
Mhmm.
And I love that.
It was so impactful and so life changing andfrom that moment on.
(37:17):
But I think what I'm trying to also get to thepoint is that we have to acknowledge ourselves,
which you perfectly said.
Correct.
Correct.
Right?
So we all have trauma.
You really have to be able to put that upfront.
Yeah.
So often, people will say, don't wanna talkabout it.
(37:40):
Yes.
Right?
I don't wanna talk about that's in the past.
I'm not going into the past.
Right?
But what you don't realize is the past jumpsinto the present.
Yeah.
It
always does.
It always will unless you can turn and greetthe past.
(38:04):
Right.
Right?
And interact with the past and reallyunderstand what that part of you was doing,
what was happening at that age, what washappening in that place, what were the feelings
that you were experiencing, and facilitate arelationship between the past and the present.
(38:27):
Then you can heal.
But if you're just gonna ignore the past andsay, you know, that's in the past.
I'm not talking about it, not visiting it, notgoing there anymore.
You can't heal.
It is like having weights on you.
Right?
And you're in the ocean, and those weights aregonna pull you down in water unless you can
(38:51):
release them.
So it's very important to take yourselfseriously and be curious and interested in
healing those injuries from the past.
Absolutely.
And I can relate to that.
Yes.
It kinda felt heavy when I didn't wanna talkabout my past, but when I began to acknowledge,
(39:12):
and it felt amazing.
Doctor Van Vost, I'm very curious to know as toyou know, you mentioned parents need to take
you know, the children, they have to seek atherapist.
They have to seek a psychologist.
Or why do so that curiosity part of me has justcome in and I wanna ask because I'm very
curious to know when you are seeking apsychologist, whether it's a preschooler or a
(39:40):
teenager, why do they always ask about thepast?
Like, explain to me when you were three yearsof age.
Mhmm.
What happened?
How did it feel like?
And so I'm curious to know why do they alwaysgo back to the past?
Alright.
Because our brain holds on to everything.
(40:01):
And our brain even holds on to experiences inthe last trimester before birth.
Oh, wow.
So you have a history that goes prior to birth,and your your brain is a marvelous, just
incredibly marvelous because it truly does holdon to every experience you have ever had.
(40:28):
Alright?
There are so many folds and cells and places tohide these things in your and it it really is
like a huge storage locker.
Right?
And some of your experiences are in paper bags,so you can find them easily.
Uh-huh.
(40:49):
Some of your experiences are in boxes,cardboard boxes, a little harder to get to.
And some of your experiences are in lockedcabinets.
Oh, wow.
Right?
With very thick walls.
Mhmm.
Difficult to get to, but so important to unlockbecause it releases whatever the trauma or the
(41:20):
tension was for you at that time and allows youto heal from that injury.
We all get injured.
There's no way to avoid it.
Mhmm.
But we can also find that injury and take careof ourselves and comfort ourselves and heal
(41:43):
from that injury and seek support for thatinjury.
Alright?
Or seek honest repair for that injury.
So our our brains are just huge storagelockers, and it's powerful for you to be able
to walk through and open up these pieces ofyour history and and see the freedom that
(42:11):
comes, the health that come as a result becausewe know that our mental injuries also affect
our physical bodies.
So there can be physical healing that happensfrom unlocking the mental injuries.
Right.
No.
That is so interesting.
(42:33):
Yeah.
Your mind is is very powerful in how and evenas we get older, you know, we can we remember
from the past, what's happened in the past.
Mhmm.
And so I it's just very, very interesting howour mind and know, it's just a very powerful
tool.
So how do how do preschoolers responddifferently in those settings where, you know,
(43:02):
the emotional healing or the trauma recovery?
How how do preschoolers do they all respond thesame way, or is it different?
No.
No.
So so preschoolers are going to respond muchmore from their body Right.
Right, than their language.
Right?
Because their early experiences are reallystored in terms of body action.
(43:28):
That's why when you're working with apreschooler, you're not just gonna sit and
talk.
Right?
You're gonna do lots of action, lots of play.
You're gonna jump around the room.
You're gonna crawl under couches.
I mean, you have to be pretty agile to workwith a preschooler.
Right.
Yeah.
You're gonna use tons of objects.
(43:49):
Alright?
I don't know if you're familiar with the sandtray process, but it is I've seen
it.
Yes.
Yeah.
Where you you have a big tray of sand and lotsof different objects that can be placed in the
sand.
I remember working with another little boy whohad struggles at home, and he would come in and
(44:17):
he would take family characters.
Alright?
They weren't always mother, father, child.
Sometimes they were Superman.
Right?
Superman.
You know?
Just any kind of objects or dolls, and he wouldbury them in the sand.
(44:38):
Oh, wow.
Absolutely every time.
Right?
So he would get rid of his entire family.
Every time he would just get rid of his entirefamily.
Alright?
So when I'm experiencing that, right, what I amseeing is that his family is dangerous for him.
(44:58):
Oh, wow.
Why else would you bury your family?
Old was he?
Four.
Oh, wow.
Such a young age.
They they have to be dangerous for you.
So my job is to figure out what's the danger,what's happening in that family, right, that he
(45:22):
feels so disconnected, so isolated, sothreatened by them that they all have to go
underground.
Right?
So Wow.
That's incredible.
It's so sad.
I know.
Yeah.
And I've I've heard I've I've heard of caseswhere, you know, when a child does experience
(45:46):
you know, he could be an only child.
I'm not sure if he was an only child, but I canonly imagine if that was the case and how
dangerous if he kinda felt the parents or thefamily in general, they were danger.
Danger.
They could be they could be, like, spankinghim.
They could be like the you know, some parentsI've I've heard of, they can be so aggressive
(46:08):
with their children.
And, you know, that I mean, that hurts me whenwhen I hear cases like that.
Mhmm.
Maybe that's what he's experiencing, maybe whythat they're dangerous.
Right.
Right.
And it is it's very important, right, for us totake children seriously.
(46:31):
Children will report the concerns that theyhave emotionally.
You have to be able to pay attention to thatreport and take it seriously.
The as I said, children are emotionallybrilliant.
As we get older Mhmm.
(46:52):
We learn to discount or distort that naturalbrilliance because we get told that what we
think is happening, what we experiencehappening is not really true.
(47:13):
They didn't mean to hurt you.
Right.
Yeah.
Right.
Mhmm.
They they weren't really intentionally makingfun of you, and on and on and on.
So we get told to discount our own emotionalexperiences.
Yeah.
Mhmm.
(47:34):
Absolutely.
Doctor Vanderford, this has been such apowerful conversation.
And, you know, ladies and gentlemen, you know,listen to the conversation as to what is
happening.
Acknowledge your children, acknowledge theirhealth and their well-being.
(47:54):
Doctor Vanderhorst, where can people connectwith you?
I would love to connect with everyone who islistening, and the easiest way to do that is
through my website.
And my website is www.drvanderh0rst.com.
(48:17):
So it's www.doctorvanderhorst.com.
You can go there.
You can send me a message.
You can watch some of the videos about thedifferent approaches to therapy.
You can order a copy of read, reflect, respondfrom that website.
(48:41):
And I have all kinds of pieces of informationabout therapy and healing that will be helpful
to you.
Absolutely.
And we'll make sure we put it in the in theshow notes.
Thank you.
You know, your best selling books.
Absolutely.
Doctor Vanderhorst, thank you so much forsharing valuable insights on emotional health
(49:06):
and trauma.
And, you know, you have worked with individualschools and groups and and in your expertise,
it really has been absolutely just incredible.
And Thank you.
Parents and educators alike, you have empoweredthem.
For everyone listening, please go check outdoctor Vanderhorst.
(49:30):
Go to her website.
Get her book.
The her best selling books are available onAmazon.
Until next time, stay tuned for Ask the Expertspodcast.
If you enjoyed the conversation with doctorVanderhorst, like and subscribe to our channel.
(49:51):
Until next time.
Bye bye for now.
Thank you so much, doctor Vanderhorst.
Thank you.
Hi, everyone.
Welcome to another episode of Ask the Expertspodcast.
So grateful to have each and everyone tune inweek in and week out to listen, learn, and
grow.
Today's episode, we have an incredible guest.
And when we wanna learn as parents oreducators, how we need to learn how do we need
(00:28):
to deal with children's emotional health andwell-being, especially when it comes to trauma,
how do we respond to such situations?
Doctor Gloria Vanderhorst is gonna be sharinginsights so you don't wanna miss this episode.
Doctor Vanderhorst is a psychologist.
(00:50):
She has over fifty plus years of experiencehelping preschoolers and helping them in the
areas of trauma, emotional health, and how shehas navigated and how parents are, you know,
calling doctor Vanderhorst to help them inthose situations.
(01:13):
Doctor Vanderhorst has helped families, groups,schools to helping preschoolers.
She's also a bestselling author of her books,the three r's to change and read, reflect, and
respond.
Doctor Vanderhorst, welcome to the show.
(01:34):
Thank you so much.
Alka, I'm really excited to be here and to talkwith you and to engage your audience as well.
Absolutely.
I wanna start with based on your extensive workwith preschoolers, what are the most critical
(01:56):
emotional needs that go unrecognized in inearly childhood, especially among trauma
affected children?
So in children in general, let me start there.
Right?
There is a significant difference between thedevelopmental progression for boys and girls.
(02:22):
They do not develop at the same rate or in thesame way.
But we put them together in a preschool asthough they are developing in the same way and
at the same rate.
Right now, our preschools are really designedto accommodate females.
(02:48):
And I think the reason for that is that themajority of our preschools are actually run by
females.
Mhmm.
And so it's just a natural progression, anatural thought that the way that they organize
the classroom, the way that they organize theday is to fit the developmental needs of the
(03:14):
little girls
Right.
So much the developmental needs of the littleboys.
And you could look at this even in the physicalcharacteristics of the classroom.
Right?
Classrooms are organized with tables andstations.
(03:34):
You will not well, I know of one preschool inMaryland, but majority of preschools do not
have trees in them.
Twins.
And boys like to climb trees.
Right.
In other words, the physical plant itself isnot really laid out to accommodate the
(04:04):
physical, muscular energy of a preschool boy.
The boy needs to move.
The boy needs to climb.
The boy needs to be active.
He's attending.
Right?
But it's not easy for him to sit in the circle.
It's easy for the girls to sit in the circleand listen to the story.
(04:29):
The boy needs to have his body in motion andengaged, and he's still listening to the story.
But because most of our preschools are staffedand run by women, we don't design the classroom
(04:50):
to accommodate the male.
The other truth is that boys developmentallylag behind girls in development, in social
development.
And so we have this expectation that both boysand girls should be in the same place
(05:14):
developmentally.
It's not possible.
They have different pathways, and ourpreschools have not been able to accommodate
those different pathways.
And that has been a long term impact on theemotional development of the boy.
Right.
(05:34):
Absolutely.
I mean, it's just very interesting the youknow, as you mentioned, the characteristics.
You know, boys like to they like to move.
They always like moving around, and, you know,it's very hard for them to sit still.
So to the next question along to, what you justalluded to, how does early childhood trauma in
(05:56):
that case uniquely affect the brain developmentof, you know, of children or preschools?
Affected with trauma.
It it definitely is a traumatic experience.
Right.
Yeah.
Right?
So we can we can also kinda back up even intoinfancy because for boys, there are trauma
(06:21):
experiences for boys in infancy that are notpresent for girls.
And the trauma experience is that women,mothers, whether it's the caretaker or the
mother.
Right?
Most of our children are still raised byfemales from infancy to preschool time.
(06:47):
There is an increase in the number of fathersthat are staying home and raising infants, but
the majority are still raised by females.
And females do not know, that boys come intothe world with a broader range of emotional
(07:07):
expression than girls do.
So when a mother is interacting with her infantand the boy gets emotionally more intense,
let's say, the positive end of the continuum,kinda more excited, more agitated, more active.
(07:28):
Mother, without realizing what she's doing, isgoing to have a reaction to that that sends a
message to the infant that, oops, I shouldn'tgo that high.
I shouldn't be that intense.
Right?
Maybe mother just backs up a little bit.
Maybe mother's face changes.
(07:51):
Right?
Maybe mother gets really concerned about, youknow, why are you getting so hyper up here?
It's natural for the boy.
Mother doesn't understand understand that boysdo come in to the world with a broader range of
emotional expression.
And so just unintentionally, mother sends themessage that, you know, I'm not comfortable
(08:17):
with that range of emotional expression.
Infants are brilliant.
Reading emotional context is their survivalmechanism is the only way that they have of
taking care of themselves.
And so when mother gives that feedback,unintentional feedback, the infant boy narrows
(08:43):
his range of expression.
Right?
And he does it to survive.
Now mother is not really threatening when shedoes that.
You know?
Oops.
I don't like that.
But the infant has to take that seriously andhas to curtail emotional expression.
(09:07):
So from infancy, we are training boys to narrowthe range of expression.
Uh-huh.
And then socially, when they start to walk andtalk Right.
We make a huge difference between what'sacceptable behavior for a boy and what's
(09:29):
acceptable behavior for a girl.
Right?
Girls can cry.
Girls can get agitated.
Girls can be pissy, if you will, as toddlers.
Boys cannot.
They cannot.
We don't let our boys cry.
Mhmm.
That's powerful.
(09:49):
That is very powerful.
And I guess it kinda stems from if boys are notallowed to cry, then as they get into
adulthood, you know, we find, you know, if if aman does cry at a funeral, for example, then is
that where it kinda stems from that because ifa man does cry, he's known as weak.
(10:12):
Yes.
So that's
what we
stand by.
We have associated that with emotionalexpression.
Right.
Through
the he can't really be tender.
He can't really be crying.
He can't be needy in any way, but that thoseare human emotions.
Right.
Yeah.
Right?
(10:32):
They're not sexual emotions.
Right.
Those are human emotions, and we're born withthat range of feeling.
And and so we rob the male population, and andwe we have, there's there's kind of a good
reason for it historically.
(10:54):
If you go back to being a caveman, I don't wantmy caveman crying and weeping Right. About
About taking his spear and going out andkilling something for us to eat.
Uh-huh.
But right?
And so in wars, I don't want my man crying andweeping.
Right?
I want him running towards the front.
(11:15):
But, you know, come on.
We're not doing that kind of social waranymore.
Right?
We're pushing buttons and sending missiles.
(11:35):
Right?
Yes.
Blind planes and dropping bombs.
So the future for men and women really has tochange so that there's a healthier experience
for both male and female adults.
(11:59):
Absolutely.
Could you walk us through, Gloria, theeffective or therapeutic approaches you have
found when it comes to traumatizedpreschoolers, and how have they able to manage?
I will tell you that emotionally, preschoolersare brilliant.
(12:24):
Right?
We don't give them enough credit for the waythat they can understand and process trauma.
I will give you just one very simple example.
I worked with a preschool boy several yearsago.
Parents were divorced, and they had beendivorced since infancy.
(12:47):
They had a long term marriage relationshipbefore they decided to have children.
And when they had children, they discoveredthey had very different approaches to
parenting.
And so they decided to separate but tocooperate, and the boy moved back and forth
between these two houses a week at a time.
(13:09):
Mhmm.
Right?
And he was a terror in both houses.
Oh, wow.
A terror.
Just a three year old who would do tantrums ineach house, you know, who would cause problems,
throw things around.
He was just, like, totally unhappy in bothhouses.
(13:31):
So they brought him to me to figure out, well,what's going on with
this?
Yeah.
Right?
He is traumatized.
There's no doubt about it.
That's why he's throwing temper tantrums inboth houses.
And after doing some sessions of play therapywith him, I thought, okay.
(13:52):
We're kind of connected.
It's safe enough for me to ask about, you know,what happens for you as you move back and
forth?
And, you know Mhmm.
Mom and dad say that you're, you know, you'repretty angry in both houses.
Right?
(14:12):
And and I will say it again.
Alright?
Infants, preschoolers are emotionallybrilliant.
So this little guy says to me well, I nevercry.
I never cry.
He says, my tears, I don't let them come outhere.
I make them go down here.
(14:34):
I swallow them.
They go into my tummy.
They turn into rocks, and then they go rightback out my mouth, and I throw them all around
the room.
Now if that isn't the most perfect descriptionof suppressing emotion.
(14:57):
Right?
Yes.
It's a brilliant description.
Yeah.
How
do you suppress emotion?
Yeah.
Right?
And so preschoolers who are struggling areemotionally problem solving.
(15:18):
Right?
They are figuring out what do I need to do tocommunicate to the world around me that I am in
distress.
And that was his solution, right, was just tobe active and angry and irritated in each
(15:39):
household.
But when he could actually describe that Mhmm.
Then you could do some work with father,mother, and this preschooler.
But you have to trust the fact thatpreschoolers are emotionally brilliant.
(16:01):
They are still in that stage where they havenot accepted the cultural dynamic that narrows
the range of emotional intelligence, for boys.
Right.
Right.
Exactly.
And that's that's such a great you know, Ialways find it fascinating, especially when it
(16:28):
comes to, like, you know, preschoolers, youknow, the the the emotions like you, you know,
you described, the two parents that weredivorced.
But, also, is there a root cause of, like, howdo we find because and even as they get into
teenagers, you know, they can rebel.
I mean, I've heard of cases that, you know,children, they, you know, get into adulthood.
(16:52):
They get they get rebellious.
They get so out of, you know, whack.
Even at school, they don't pay attention.
Mhmm.
Is there is there a recourse exactly like whathappens and how how do we how do we identify
that?
So they Curiosity.
Curiosity.
(17:13):
Yeah.
Uh-huh.
Curiosity is the key.
Alright?
We are born emotionally intelligent.
Mhmm.
That's our survival mechanism is to read theroom.
I tell people if you if you want to develop abusiness with a group of people, get a baby.
(17:36):
Pass the baby around the room.
Right.
Right?
Uh-huh.
And the partner who will be safe andtrustworthy, the baby will be happy and cooing.
Yeah.
And the partner that will be risky, the babywill be fidgety and a little bit agitated, and
the partner that will ruin your business, thebaby will start crying.
(18:02):
There's nothing wrong with the baby.
The baby doesn't need to be fed.
The baby doesn't need to have a diaper change.
There is nothing wrong with the baby.
The baby has just accurately read the emotionaltone of each human being in the room.
Babies are brilliant.
That's their survival mechanism.
(18:24):
Right?
They survive on emotional intelligence.
And what we fail to recognize as we moveforward is the emotional intelligence of
children can be trusted.
(18:46):
We can invest in really understanding andappreciating that emotional intelligence.
So if there is a stress in the family and yousend that child to school, the child will
communicate the stress in the family and theirown behavior.
(19:09):
Right?
So if they are poking the person next to them,if they are acting out, they're really trying
to say to you, I am not safe.
Alright?
The place that I come from has some element ofdisquiet or danger to it, and I'm trying to get
(19:34):
the world to pay attention.
I'm trying to get others to pay attention andto help me problem solve this because something
is happening in my family that is notemotionally healthy for me.
And so I've got a choice.
I either announce this to the world and getattention.
(19:57):
Mhmm.
Alright?
Or I get damaged by this.
Alright?
And frequently, our children are being damagedby the distress and the dysfunction in our
families of origin.
So children are a wealth of information Mhmm.
(20:19):
Of how to intervene and how to heal stressorsand traumas that are happening in their
families of origin, but we don't tend to givethem much credit for that.
Mhmm.
Absolutely.
Yes.
What what guidelines do you offer to parentsand educators?
(20:44):
So I ask parents Mhmm.
To be vigilant, right, about really payingattention to what their children are doing in
terms of their behavior and theircommunication.
If you are a parent and you challenge yourselfto say, okay.
(21:09):
I'm just gonna keep track.
Right?
I'm not a professional, but I'm just gonna keeptrack.
Right.
And you take that log, write that record to aprofessional.
Uh-huh.
They will be able to help you understand what'sthe dynamic that's happening between you and
(21:32):
that child.
It's very difficult to see it when you'reengaged in the relationship.
But if you take that to a professional, theprofessional is just kind of one step away and
can facilitate understanding of what is thedynamic that's happening.
(21:53):
And it's true that as parents, right, our ownhistories will jump into the present.
So the way we were treated as children willdefinitely jump into the present and impact the
way that we are relating to and treating ourown children.
(22:14):
So getting help is really a key.
Right.
Absolutely.
What what resilience practices do you do youoffer that all you would recommend to parents
when it comes to the emotional health, theemotional strength of children, and who who are
(22:37):
some of the experts parents can go to?
So self discovery for any parent is reallyimportant.
Right.
Right.
We all have emotional histories.
Mhmm.
Alright?
They're pieces of trauma that exist for all ofus.
(23:01):
Alright?
It could be a big t or it could be a little t,but we all have trauma histories.
Right.
So if we take ourselves seriously and and diginto, right, what is my trauma history?
Because I'm bringing that into this family, andI am using it to impact my family.
(23:29):
So the recent book that I have published, whichis read, reflect, respond the three r's of
growth and change is a journal book to helpparents uncover what are their trauma
histories.
Oh, wow.
How is
their family impacted the way that theyfunction so that they can benefit from their
(23:55):
own insights, and that will lead them to do abetter job of connecting and understanding
their own children and facilitating positivegrowth in their own children.
Right.
You you did you mentioned, you know,identifying your trauma history.
(24:17):
And I just wanna just wanna share my traumahistory.
You know, I know there was there was a timeabout good maybe nine, ten years ago when I
would I would, you know, just walk in a room,whether it be family or friends, and they had a
baby.
The baby would start to cry.
(24:40):
And I'm not sure if that was because, you know,I've gone through a divorce maybe.
But, you know, it is so fascinating that a babyrecognizes
Right.
Who they wanna go to, and baby will start tocry.
I mean, I'm a female.
I got muggling instincts, but it is soincredible.
(25:00):
The baby will just start to cry.
Mhmm.
Mhmm.
And how did that impact you?
Well, I mean, it impacted me greatly at thattime.
I mean, I you know, I've got two kids, a boyand a girl.
But at that time, you know, it just reallyimpacted me greatly because I would start to
(25:21):
think, you know, am I less worthy of, you know,becoming a mother?
And, you know, sometimes, you know, you go wego we go through those emotions.
Am I am I worthy to become a mother?
Although, you know, as a female, but noteverybody perhaps can be a mother.
(25:42):
But, you know, that was just me, and it wasjust so interesting.
You you know, you mentioned we all have atrauma history.
We do.
We need to recognize that.
Right.
And it's wonderful that you were able to payattention to that.
Some people would just discount it and notnotice the pattern.
Mhmm.
But you were at the point in your life whereyou could really pay attention to that pattern.
(26:09):
That's incredibly valuable.
Yeah.
No.
Thank you so much.
And but this has been so incredible, you know,learning about preschoolers and, you know,
children in general, about their health andwell-being and, you know, when they're trauma
with the from a divorced family and how thatgreatly impacts them.
(26:30):
So doctor VanderForce, as the bestsellingauthor of your books, read, reflect, and, you
know, three hours of change, how do you balancethe the critical empathetic aspects when
writing about childhood trauma?
(26:51):
Could you share with us?
So it's very important for all of us tounderstand that each one of us has some form of
trauma history.
Right.
We don't escape it.
Oh.
Right?
Yeah.
There are events that happen to all of us.
And as I said, some of them are little t's.
(27:14):
Right?
Maybe I get rejected at school.
Maybe people don't wanna play with me on theplayground.
Maybe I miss an opportunity in middle school tobe chosen for something that I longed to
participate with.
Or on the playground, I get chosen last.
(27:37):
Right?
We're choosing teams, and I'm not at the top ofthe list.
So we all have traumas and appreciating thatunderstanding those events and the impact that
they have on the way that we feel aboutourselves and the way then that we end up
(28:01):
relating to others around us Yeah.
Is really critical.
So the little t's are powerful, and the big t'sare powerful.
Right?
We can be abused as children physically oremotionally.
Mhmm.
Right?
(28:21):
Those are powerful.
Those are big t's.
And we have to be able to be transparent withthose who care for us about the fact that I do
have a big t history, and I need help with it.
(28:43):
We're born connected to another human being.
Mhmm.
And the way that we grow and the way that wedevelop in healthy directions is connection to
another human being.
Right.
It's critical.
I mean, we can, absolutely.
I mean, we can never do anything on our own asparents, educators, and, you know, even
(29:09):
children.
You they can't be sort of left alone whenthey're at school.
They're, you know, they're, you know, nobodywants to play with them.
They're isolated even at school and when theycome home.
Perhaps that's the same dynamics, especiallywhen you come from a dysfunctional family, you
know, when the parents are divorced.
Mhmm.
(29:29):
How do we deal with that?
What are some of the guidelines that you mightoffer our viewers if that's the case?
The children are isolated at school.
Nobody wants to play with them.
They don't belong.
They don't fit in.
How what are some of the guidelines in thataspect you've gotta offer the listeners?
(29:50):
Yeah.
First, as the adult in this system, you have totake yourself seriously.
You cannot offer help to your child who isfeeling isolated, rejected, put down
Mhmm.
Unless you can really identify with thatexperience and not be triggered yourself.
(30:15):
Right.
And I would say kind of historically, when yourchild is experiencing these negative
experiences and relationships at school isprobably going to trigger negative experiences
that you have had.
(30:36):
They may not be the same.
Right?
But it will trigger you.
So you have to do two things.
It's like the directions on a plane.
Right?
If the plane is in trouble, right, you put yourmask on first.
Right.
Yes.
And then you put the mask on the child.
(30:59):
Right.
So you have to take care of yourself first.
You have to take yourself seriously, and thenyou can facilitate growth and healthy
development in your child.
Right.
Right.
Are there any new insights, that, you know,when writing your best selling books, the three
(31:22):
r's to change and read, reflect?
And are there any new insights or trends?
And I'm always about the trend, you know,learning about you know, when it comes to the
medical aspect.
But also, you know, I love to know about trendsand especially in your experience, in your in
(31:44):
you know, expertise.
Are there any new trends or insights when itcomes to trauma informed care for preschoolers?
And how and do you believe that practitionersare not aware or how can they become aware of
what is happening?
(32:05):
So, obviously, one of the ways that I believeand the reason I wrote this book that people
can be aware is that they do their own work.
And many times, people do not want to go see atherapist.
They think that's way too vulnerable.
Yes.
But,
you know, you can start with the book andresearch some of your own early experiences,
(32:32):
some of your own trauma experiences, and getcomfortable with the reality that we all have
histories.
And those histories have traumas in the Theyhave little t traumas.
They have big t traumas.
But it's important that we take those seriouslyand unlock them and open the door to free those
(32:58):
traumas so that you can be available to yourchild.
You can be available to your spouse.
You can be available to your family.
Traumas lock us up.
Little ones, big ones.
Right?
They take a part of us, and they lock it up.
They box it up in your brain, and that part canno longer be available for relationships.
(33:25):
So unlocking those pieces is really critical.
And you can facilitate that through workingthrough a book like read, reflect, respond.
You can facilitate that by engaging in therapyor joining a group, right, where you get the
(33:45):
sense of support that you're not the only onein the room who is working through traumas
Right.
Big t's or little t's.
But taking yourself seriously and realizingthat this is common.
It's not unusual.
All of us have had traumatic experiences, andall of us can do the work and the research to
(34:11):
heal from those experiences, and we benefiteveryone in relationship to us benefits when we
do that healing work.
Right.
And being a part of a group is always, youknow, really benefits.
Mhmm.
You know, you work with groups, families,individuals, schools.
(34:34):
I think a group setting just like, you know,the AA Alcoholic Anonymous.
You know, it's you're in a part of a group.
You're not alone.
And I think when you feel you're alone, that'swhen perhaps you don't you you don't heal.
You don't improve.
Right?
Right.
But
when you're part of a group, you know, everyonethere to support.
(34:55):
You're there.
So I think that's one of the best.
You know, I love being part of a group.
And, you know, as we said, no one is meant todo anything alone.
Right.
Yes.
We're born connected.
We need to stay in connection.
We don't have to have a ton of connections inorder to be emotionally healthy.
(35:16):
Right.
But we have to be in relationship with others,and that relationship has to support us,
benefit us, understand us, and help us to betransparent and critical of ourselves so that
we can be honest about what are the earlytrauma experiences, what are some of the big
(35:44):
t's and little t's Mhmm.
That impact us, and that we're all capable ofhealing.
Nobody has to carry that forward.
Right.
And even as, you know, adults, you mentioned,you know, we need to we need to be real.
We need to acknowledge and take ourselvesseriously.
(36:07):
Because when we take ourselves seriously asparents or educators, we are able to help our
children.
Right.
You know, and what they are going through.
And I'm just gonna go off tangent a little bit,and I'm gonna talk about because it relates to
the same thing, trauma.
I know when I went through a traumatic divorce,it was you know, that part of me took time to
(36:33):
heal.
Absolutely.
Had But I had to give myself permission.
I had to be the one to really acknowledge that,yes, I'm going through a divorce, but divorce
is everyone goes through this difficultemotional time.
I'm not the only one.
But when I began to realize, you know and alsowhat really helped me was the book.
(36:56):
And I wish I had your book at that time, thethree Rs to Change.
The book that I read at that time was feelingsnever feelings buried alive.
Yeah.
Feelings buried alive never die.
Mhmm.
Mhmm.
And I love that.
It was so impactful and so life changing andfrom that moment on.
(37:17):
But I think what I'm trying to also get to thepoint is that we have to acknowledge ourselves,
which you perfectly said.
Correct.
Correct.
Right?
So we all have trauma.
You really have to be able to put that upfront.
Yeah.
So often, people will say, don't wanna talkabout it.
(37:40):
Yes.
Right?
I don't wanna talk about that's in the past.
I'm not going into the past.
Right?
But what you don't realize is the past jumpsinto the present.
Yeah.
It
always does.
It always will unless you can turn and greetthe past.
(38:04):
Right.
Right?
And interact with the past and reallyunderstand what that part of you was doing,
what was happening at that age, what washappening in that place, what were the feelings
that you were experiencing, and facilitate arelationship between the past and the present.
(38:27):
Then you can heal.
But if you're just gonna ignore the past andsay, you know, that's in the past.
I'm not talking about it, not visiting it, notgoing there anymore.
You can't heal.
It is like having weights on you.
Right?
And you're in the ocean, and those weights aregonna pull you down in water unless you can
(38:51):
release them.
So it's very important to take yourselfseriously and be curious and interested in
healing those injuries from the past.
Absolutely.
And I can relate to that.
Yes.
It kinda felt heavy when I didn't wanna talkabout my past, but when I began to acknowledge,
(39:12):
and it felt amazing.
Doctor Van Vost, I'm very curious to know as toyou know, you mentioned parents need to take
you know, the children, they have to seek atherapist.
They have to seek a psychologist.
Or why do so that curiosity part of me has justcome in and I wanna ask because I'm very
curious to know when you are seeking apsychologist, whether it's a preschooler or a
(39:40):
teenager, why do they always ask about thepast?
Like, explain to me when you were three yearsof age.
Mhmm.
What happened?
How did it feel like?
And so I'm curious to know why do they alwaysgo back to the past?
Alright.
Because our brain holds on to everything.
(40:01):
And our brain even holds on to experiences inthe last trimester before birth.
Oh, wow.
So you have a history that goes prior to birth,and your your brain is a marvelous, just
incredibly marvelous because it truly does holdon to every experience you have ever had.
(40:28):
Alright?
There are so many folds and cells and places tohide these things in your and it it really is
like a huge storage locker.
Right?
And some of your experiences are in paper bags,so you can find them easily.
Uh-huh.
(40:49):
Some of your experiences are in boxes,cardboard boxes, a little harder to get to.
And some of your experiences are in lockedcabinets.
Oh, wow.
Right?
With very thick walls.
Mhmm.
Difficult to get to, but so important to unlockbecause it releases whatever the trauma or the
(41:20):
tension was for you at that time and allows youto heal from that injury.
We all get injured.
There's no way to avoid it.
Mhmm.
But we can also find that injury and take careof ourselves and comfort ourselves and heal
(41:43):
from that injury and seek support for thatinjury.
Alright?
Or seek honest repair for that injury.
So our our brains are just huge storagelockers, and it's powerful for you to be able
to walk through and open up these pieces ofyour history and and see the freedom that
(42:11):
comes, the health that come as a result becausewe know that our mental injuries also affect
our physical bodies.
So there can be physical healing that happensfrom unlocking the mental injuries.
Right.
No.
That is so interesting.
(42:33):
Yeah.
Your mind is is very powerful in how and evenas we get older, you know, we can we remember
from the past, what's happened in the past.
Mhmm.
And so I it's just very, very interesting howour mind and know, it's just a very powerful
tool.
So how do how do preschoolers responddifferently in those settings where, you know,
(43:02):
the emotional healing or the trauma recovery?
How how do preschoolers do they all respond thesame way, or is it different?
No.
No.
So so preschoolers are going to respond muchmore from their body Right.
Right, than their language.
Right?
Because their early experiences are reallystored in terms of body action.
(43:28):
That's why when you're working with apreschooler, you're not just gonna sit and
talk.
Right?
You're gonna do lots of action, lots of play.
You're gonna jump around the room.
You're gonna crawl under couches.
I mean, you have to be pretty agile to workwith a preschooler.
Right.
Yeah.
You're gonna use tons of objects.
(43:49):
Alright?
I don't know if you're familiar with the sandtray process, but it is I've seen
it.
Yes.
Yeah.
Where you you have a big tray of sand and lotsof different objects that can be placed in the
sand.
I remember working with another little boy whohad struggles at home, and he would come in and
(44:17):
he would take family characters.
Alright?
They weren't always mother, father, child.
Sometimes they were Superman.
Right?
Superman.
You know?
Just any kind of objects or dolls, and he wouldbury them in the sand.
(44:38):
Oh, wow.
Absolutely every time.
Right?
So he would get rid of his entire family.
Every time he would just get rid of his entirefamily.
Alright?
So when I'm experiencing that, right, what I amseeing is that his family is dangerous for him.
(44:58):
Oh, wow.
Why else would you bury your family?
Old was he?
Four.
Oh, wow.
Such a young age.
They they have to be dangerous for you.
So my job is to figure out what's the danger,what's happening in that family, right, that he
(45:22):
feels so disconnected, so isolated, sothreatened by them that they all have to go
underground.
Right?
So Wow.
That's incredible.
It's so sad.
I know.
Yeah.
And I've I've heard I've I've heard of caseswhere, you know, when a child does experience
(45:46):
you know, he could be an only child.
I'm not sure if he was an only child, but I canonly imagine if that was the case and how
dangerous if he kinda felt the parents or thefamily in general, they were danger.
Danger.
They could be they could be, like, spankinghim.
They could be like the you know, some parentsI've I've heard of, they can be so aggressive
(46:08):
with their children.
And, you know, that I mean, that hurts me whenwhen I hear cases like that.
Mhmm.
Maybe that's what he's experiencing, maybe whythat they're dangerous.
Right.
Right.
And it is it's very important, right, for us totake children seriously.
(46:31):
Children will report the concerns that theyhave emotionally.
You have to be able to pay attention to thatreport and take it seriously.
The as I said, children are emotionallybrilliant.
As we get older Mhmm.
(46:52):
We learn to discount or distort that naturalbrilliance because we get told that what we
think is happening, what we experiencehappening is not really true.
(47:13):
They didn't mean to hurt you.
Right.
Yeah.
Right.
Mhmm.
They they weren't really intentionally makingfun of you, and on and on and on.
So we get told to discount our own emotionalexperiences.
Yeah.
Mhmm.
(47:34):
Absolutely.
Doctor Vanderford, this has been such apowerful conversation.
And, you know, ladies and gentlemen, you know,listen to the conversation as to what is
happening.
Acknowledge your children, acknowledge theirhealth and their well-being.
(47:54):
Doctor Vanderhorst, where can people connectwith you?
I would love to connect with everyone who islistening, and the easiest way to do that is
through my website.
And my website is www.drvanderh0rst.com.
(48:17):
So it's www.doctorvanderhorst.com.
You can go there.
You can send me a message.
You can watch some of the videos about thedifferent approaches to therapy.
You can order a copy of read, reflect, respondfrom that website.
(48:41):
And I have all kinds of pieces of informationabout therapy and healing that will be helpful
to you.
Absolutely.
And we'll make sure we put it in the in theshow notes.
Thank you.
You know, your best selling books.
Absolutely.
Doctor Vanderhorst, thank you so much forsharing valuable insights on emotional health
(49:06):
and trauma.
And, you know, you have worked with individualschools and groups and and in your expertise,
it really has been absolutely just incredible.
And Thank you.
Parents and educators alike, you have empoweredthem.
For everyone listening, please go check outdoctor Vanderhorst.
(49:30):
Go to her website.
Get her book.
The her best selling books are available onAmazon.
Until next time, stay tuned for Ask the Expertspodcast.
If you enjoyed the conversation with doctorVanderhorst, like and subscribe to our channel.
(49:51):
Until next time.
Bye bye for now.
Thank you so much, doctor Vanderhorst.
Thank you.
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
The Joe Rogan Experience
The official podcast of comedian Joe Rogan.
Two Guys, Five Rings: Matt, Bowen & The Olympics
Two Guys (Bowen Yang and Matt Rogers). Five Rings (you know, from the Olympics logo). One essential podcast for the 2026 Milan-Cortina Winter Olympics. Bowen Yang (SNL, Wicked) and Matt Rogers (Palm Royale, No Good Deed) of Las Culturistas are back for a second season of Two Guys, Five Rings, a collaboration with NBC Sports and iHeartRadio. In this 15-episode event, Bowen and Matt discuss the top storylines, obsess over Italian culture, and find out what really goes on in the Olympic Village.