August 11, 2025 • 38 mins
Love and Relationships: Can Others Make You Feel Things?
In this week's episode of Mayhem Mondays, Glenn and Mili dive into a heated debate on whether others can make you feel certain emotions. They discuss past relationship experiences, emotional manipulation, conscious vs subconscious reactions, and more. Though they don't see eye to eye, their respectful disagreement makes for an insightful listen.
[00:01] Intro to topic of whether others can make you feel things
[02:30] Recounting the first time Glenn and Mili debated this topic
[04:15] Mili explains her stance - you choose how to feel
[06:00] Glenn argues initial reactions are subconscious
[08:15] The danger of ignoring "gut" reactions
[10:30] An example of resisting emotional manipulation
[12:45] How to process feelings of jealousy
[15:00] Agreeing to disagree on semantics
[18:30] Feedback on the divorce episode
[21:15] Responding to questions from listeners
[23:45] The value of calm conversations
[26:00] Learning to love yourself first
The episode ends on a thoughtful note about not judging others harshly, since we've all had our own ups and downs. Though Glenn and Mili have differing perspectives, their respectful disagreement makes for an insightful listen on relationships.
Tune in and join the discussion - can others really make you feel things against your will? Or is it always a choice? Let us know what you think!
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
Approache Production.
Speaker 2 (00:33):
Hey, team glenas a Here wealcing back to the Building
Better Humans Project podcast for yet another episode of Mayhem Mondays, which.
Speaker 1 (00:39):
Means we've got Mayhem in the building.
Speaker 2 (00:42):
So we talked last week about a pretty intense situation
we've been through, and again I want to reiterate that
that is all about lessons of growth. It's not about
having a go at the people for what happened, although
they've got to own their own standard. It's about our
piece in it. And so I just want to follow
(01:02):
that up by saying, everything that happens in your life,
you have to look at how you respond to it,
and if it's not a positive response, ask yourself, is
there a better way I could have responded? Or can
I remove myself from that situation? Or how do I
stop it happening again?
Speaker 1 (01:17):
How could I have prevented that situation in the first place.
So that's where accountability comes in. Did what part did
you play? Yes in all of that, And we explained
our part in that, and we're going to actively moving
forward not make the same mistake.
Speaker 2 (01:31):
And the reason I think that's important is because if
you constantly go through similar things and think about relationships
where someone goes, oh, she's just attracted to the bad boys,
or you know, he's always attracted the same type of people.
But at some point you've got to ask yourself questions
around that if you constantly have a behavior that keeps happening.
In my situation, if I keep letting you know, in
(01:53):
this case, talented athletes come in and just behave a
certain way, the ones I've held a standard for, and
I'll talk about Jaden and Nikorema, who's obviously I'm very
close to. But when he was going through all of
his challeges, I did know him when I only met
him months and he wanted to come and work with me.
I made him come and meet me at five am
on a Friday morning, and he was like, he didn't
have five am exist unless he was coming home from
(02:14):
a bender. That's what he said afterwards, And that was
part of his problems drugs and ourchol abuse and things.
And I said to him, the reason I did that
was someone to see if you turn up, because if
you didn't turn up, I was going to waste any
more time. I got away from that over the last
couple of years, and I started to give people leeway
when they turned up late or didn't turn up at all,
or so I have to own that. And if I
do that again, because but they're really talented, you and
(02:34):
I at least a situation where you can go no, bro,
that's not what we're doing. And so I think that's
the lesson learned too often. If you need someone else
to change your behavior, then they have all the power.
I need to own my things, So I don't care
how talented you are. I have to be ald a
walk away from that. So that's my lesson. And for
you guys out there, learn your lessons when you're making mistakes.
(02:57):
Don't just assume it's someone else's fault. Learn your lessons,
which kind of so what I was saying there is
flies in the face of what we're going to talk
about next my opinion anyway, which is people can't make
you feel a thing, Because what I'm saying is if
I need someone else to change your behavior in order
for me to perform or feel a certain way, well
that's giving them all the power. But also I also
(03:20):
do firmly believe that other people can make you feel things.
Speaker 1 (03:24):
I don't believe that, so I don't believe any of that.
So we are first like one of our first dates
that we went on, we had this discussion and it
got like I want to say, heated.
Speaker 2 (03:36):
Was that that same same? So same same? Because we
always like talking about food, people ask the same sames
are very nice?
Speaker 1 (03:42):
Is it same same? Yeah, summer summer. Someone's going to
have to tell us because I know, but everybody in
Brisbane has this debate.
Speaker 2 (03:52):
They I've not heard this debate anyway. The ads of
mess is that same same mate, But I'm going to
ask him. But it's an amazing Asian fusion restaurant who
also don't but also we'd be most welcome.
Speaker 1 (04:06):
To any of these.
Speaker 2 (04:07):
Is going to keep put that out there. Yeah, we
went out there for dinner and we had this discussion.
Speaker 1 (04:13):
How so basically, I say, nobody can make you feel anything,
and it's your choice to feel that way or not
feel that way based on you at that time, but
also based on your experiences and your life upbringings and
the way that you've the way that you are conditioned,
(04:34):
and also the way that your condition you can recondition yourself.
Speaker 2 (04:38):
But like someone cuts you off in traffic and you
get angry.
Speaker 1 (04:41):
That's your choice. Because you don't have to be angry,
but you do. But that's my choice. But I don't
always Otherwise I would always and everybody would always react
the same way.
Speaker 2 (04:54):
Yeah, but you do it so people cut you off.
You always react the same.
Speaker 1 (04:57):
Way, yeah, because that's my choice.
Speaker 2 (04:59):
But my point is like, like, if you really deeply,
passionately love someone and they do something that hurts you,
it hurts and you can't just turn that off.
Speaker 1 (05:12):
Yeah you can't, but that's based on your upbringings and
the based on how you feel about that person.
Speaker 2 (05:18):
Yeah, but they've created it by.
Speaker 1 (05:20):
It, so you actually can get to a point where
you're like, I don't want to feel this way anymore,
so I'm going to choose not to feel it.
Speaker 2 (05:27):
But if you speak to them, you're carrying this behavior.
It's making me feel a thing. This is honest conversations.
Speaker 1 (05:33):
And then some people are that strong that you do
them wrong once, no matter how much they feel about you,
they will choose to go see ya and they will
leave and they will not think about you again.
Speaker 2 (05:46):
I don't know if that's entirely true. I do if
you're that deeply like I, if I separated from you,
like I think I'm pretty solid and I can move on,
and I think you do as well. We've always said that.
So I said this to you last night when we
were out, that if I was to be separated from you,
I don't think I would get over it, Like I'm
that attached to.
Speaker 1 (06:04):
You, but that's you. I'm not making you feel.
Speaker 2 (06:07):
That well you are because if you stayed with me,
I wouldn't feel it.
Speaker 1 (06:13):
How often do we say, at what point are you
going to go? I'm making a choice now, You're always
making it.
Speaker 2 (06:21):
But if you separated, So if we separated, even if
you don't want to admit it, you would still feel bad.
Speaker 1 (06:27):
Based on my choices, based on how I feel about you.
You're not making me. You're not. You haven't got some
magic power that's going to be like doing a wand
and making her feel this way. I am going to
feel how I feel because of who I am, how
I am, and how I grew up.
Speaker 2 (06:46):
I think that's so that's just us shifting words around.
Speaker 1 (06:50):
No, so like because at some point I can choose
to go that relationship wasn't good for me, and I'm
going to feel better about that now. Or you could
sit in your own dark thoughts and sad for the
rest of your life. You're not making me feel anything.
Speaker 2 (07:08):
If we separate, just to be clear for everyone watching
and this thing, if we separate and want you to
feel bad for the rest.
Speaker 1 (07:13):
Of your life, yeah, if I do, you're not making
me feel that.
Speaker 2 (07:17):
Way though I'm requesting it. So I just can't get
on board with that, So you can be.
Speaker 1 (07:26):
My thing is when people say stop making me or
she made me feel bad, you don't have to feel bad,
she made me feel guilty, You don't have to.
Speaker 2 (07:35):
You can't just control an emotion like that, Like if
you feel.
Speaker 1 (07:38):
Upset, you're strong enough, you can.
Speaker 2 (07:40):
I don't think either of us are strong enough that
we okay.
Speaker 1 (07:42):
But that's besides the point of whether we can or
we can't. The point is it's your choice.
Speaker 2 (07:48):
I just don't agree. I think emotions are so raw
and so real that I don't choose to feel upset
like that.
Speaker 1 (07:56):
But you can choose to feel not upset. So you
can go in your own mind and come up with
all the reasons why you're going to choose to feel
happy today. So you know how people say whose happiness?
And so people go, oh, but I'm so sad in
my life that I can't, but you can.
Speaker 2 (08:09):
I get that, and I understand like changing your physiology
can make you like music you listen to, or you
can change your physiology that way. But your initial reaction
is it's still very hard. It's an internal real thing
that just happens, and then you've got to consciously try
and pull yourself out of it.
Speaker 1 (08:27):
But that's based on who you.
Speaker 2 (08:29):
Are or your past experiences.
Speaker 1 (08:32):
Your past experiences and how you react to a certainty.
Speaker 2 (08:35):
You can't control that until you consciously think.
Speaker 1 (08:38):
About so in the future. So so let's give you
an example. Say we do you chose the bad boy twice, right, So,
the first time you chose the bad boy, you really
believed in the bad boy, You thought that he loved you,
and then he did something, he cheated on you, and
you are so sad about it and so upset about you,
so upset about it because yeah, that's how you feel.
(09:01):
Then the second time that it happens, same go. No,
so you chose another bad boy and he cheats on you.
You can go from this experience based on my life experiences,
instead of feeling sad and angry about it, I'm going
to choose to go Nope, but I'm going to be
happy because I've already made that same mistake, and I'm
(09:23):
not going to allow another person, you know this, this
power over me. I'm going to choose you have my
own power.
Speaker 2 (09:33):
Some way of saying. But what I'm going to say
to you is when that second person cheating, you've been
together three months, six months, a year, and everything's been sweet,
everything's going really good, and then you find out he cheated,
your initial response would still be gutted because you trusted
this person, you love this person. That would be your
initial response, your then trained response, your conscious response.
Speaker 1 (09:54):
That's what I'm saying.
Speaker 2 (09:55):
But I'm talking about people canna make us feel a
certain way at a subconscious level. Then we have to
turn it around.
Speaker 1 (10:01):
Or you could go, oh this again and move on.
Speaker 2 (10:05):
But the danger of that is which I still think
is a conscious decision. I'm talking about. Your subconscious decision
is based.
Speaker 1 (10:12):
On your life experiences.
Speaker 2 (10:14):
But if you cheated on me, I would be gutted
right on who.
Speaker 1 (10:18):
You are because you put so much love and trust
into me.
Speaker 2 (10:23):
But I would be guarded as your choice, and then
I would have to consciously say all right, she did
a thing knowing that that was against that thing we've
talked about. This, this was actually something we had talked about.
So now I have to consciously move past that. But
I don't think in a month's time I'm going to
be going that was cool, that was all good. No, No,
I'm going to still be gutted. No.
Speaker 1 (10:41):
It's not saying it's cool, but it's choosing to not
allow somebody to have so much power over you that
you're going to be so sad about it forever or
not enough.
Speaker 2 (10:50):
Ever. I think the more distance you have it will
get better. But I'm just saying my initial response and
my response every time I think about you for a
period of time until distance came between us, would still
be guarded. And I think even in a year's time.
Speaker 1 (11:02):
And two years time, I would just eventually. You just said,
you make a choice not to be sad about it.
Speaker 2 (11:08):
That's conscious, But the initial response is subconscious.
Speaker 1 (11:13):
But that's based on who you are.
Speaker 2 (11:14):
Yeah, but you can't control a subconscious based on your
life experience. But you can't control that. So someone made
me feel that by the action they talked based on
my subconscious This is semantics. We're just playing with words.
Speaker 1 (11:28):
That's how you felt.
Speaker 2 (11:29):
But you can't control that until you take the conscious
side to it.
Speaker 1 (11:32):
Otherwise you could say this person made me cheat because
they didn't give me enough attention.
Speaker 2 (11:39):
I'll tell you this story. I'll tell everyone else's story,
because you know the story. We had this conversation and
it was probably the first. I wouldn't even say it
was heated, but we just refuse to agree on it.
Speaker 1 (11:50):
I don't think we ever will agree.
Speaker 2 (11:52):
No, we're not going to agree. We're not going to
agree today.
Speaker 1 (11:54):
This podcast long enough what you think.
Speaker 2 (11:56):
But I want to say this, because this is what
I took out of this is we had this disagreement
over dinner, the first time we'd had a disagreement, and
it was very early on in us seeing each other.
You know, we still weren't like living together or any
of that sort of stuff. It was just you know,
those early stages. And then after the conversation where I
think it kind of ended with me saying, we're gonna
(12:18):
have to agree to disagree because I'm not getting on board.
And one thing I'll say with Milly in any discussion,
she's very good at getting you on board, and she's
relentless you'll beat you down and you go, you know what,
You're right, you just give up. You are You're very
good at it. And I was talking to Linda recently
(12:39):
to mar when she was visiting, and she said, Millie's
too quick with her words and her thinking, and sometimes
when I have a discussion with her, an hour later,
I think about something I could have said or should
have said. I said, yeah, but really ORDER would have
a response for that, because you think very quickly, which
is really bad for the boys when they try and
make up story because you're three steps ahead of them
(13:00):
and they still havent learn because you're young. And I think, well,
I'm fifty three, nice to eleven learned. But one thing
I took I just said, we're just going to agree
to disagree, because there are some times where I just
can't get on board with the thing. And I do
think I have flexible belief systems and all that, so
I think I've changed a lot since being with you.
But this is the lesson I took out of that
is you went to the toilet when I was just
(13:21):
sitting on mine for a little bit, and then you
came back and you actually sat on my lap and
you've got a bit teary, And I was like, what's
that about? And you said, I think this is the
first time I've had a disagreement with a man where
he hasn't got angry because I wouldn't agree with him,
which is I'd never really thought about that because I'm
a big bloke and all that sort of stuff, and
you don't realize that men would use anger.
Speaker 1 (13:41):
To try it, and they get personal and they get
really really angry when a woman, especially somebody who they're dating,
doesn't just automatically agree with them, and that's just not me.
If I don't agree.
Speaker 2 (13:52):
I'm going to say, how do they get personal? You're
happy with those eyebrows?
Speaker 1 (13:59):
Are you happy with yours?
Speaker 2 (14:02):
I'll get a men's head. And so it's all right,
this is a rugged, good look, so it's not like a.
Speaker 1 (14:07):
Brad pit, Oh my god.
Speaker 2 (14:11):
But I do think that was a good point early
in our relationship to know that I wasn't going to
just either one try and send over you until you agree,
which I know you're well enough done that's not going
to happen, which then means my only other next option
is to be pissed off that you won't agree because
if I can't get you to change your opinion, whereas
I was happy to say I just don't agree with
(14:32):
you on this thing, and I still don't years later, fully,
but I do think we're playing semantics with words.
Speaker 1 (14:38):
I don't think we are. I think that you say
it's a conscious choice. You can train yourself. Like I
said at the start of this, you can condition yourself
into and no one is good at it, but you
can do it well. He's always a choice.
Speaker 2 (14:51):
So here's the danger of that conditioning. People always talking
about trusting your gut, and we talked last week about
watching from red flags. My only issue with trusting our
gut sometimes is that our gut reacts on past experiences,
not on future. It's not necessarily a future predictor. And
by that I mean if you've been cheated on more
(15:12):
than once in multiple relationships, then as soon as you
see a behavior that happens from someone that could also
be tied into a past person, you think they're cheating
or they're gonna cheat, and they might not be, do
you know what I mean? Like, you can sometimes accelerate
a thing that's not there because you get triggered. I
hate using words like triggered and trauma and that because
(15:33):
I think they're overused, if I'm really honest. But triggers,
if we want to put them on a base of
other just things that make you react out of your past,
not out of your future. And the problem and the
reason we do that, and the reason we can't do
what I'm talking about necessarily off the top of hat
is because you've probably have given people, you probably have
overlooked some of those triggers in the past, and then
(15:55):
you've been proven wrong again. That's happened again. It's happened again,
It's happened again, and then you get to the stage
where you could burn people. Look. So my trigger is,
and I think I've been pretty clear this with you,
is that I always think people are going to leave me,
because everyone that's ever loved you has left you, starting
with your parents. And I'm not ready to disrespect my parents.
I get on okay with them now better than I
(16:15):
ever have. But I look back at my past and realize,
as soon as I think there's a chance that someone
might leave, I'll push my way because I would want
to control that. So that's a trigger. If I continue
that trigger, and I'm with someone that doesn't have the
capacity to give a bit of ground, then I'm going
to push them away and then and that's just going
to be a constant thing, and then you'd go through that.
(16:35):
And I've heard this from so many people. I'm better,
I've been on my own right. I've said that, I
said that for years, for a decade, and then I
meet you, and I've definitely we've triggered each other absolutely
on We have different triggers, of course, different life experiences,
and we've triggered each other on things. But what we've
become really good at is giving some grounds against our triggers,
(16:58):
even though it might feel uncomfortable, feels uncomfortable to sit
in your triggers. It feels uncomfortable to have to look
at yourself in the mirror, which is what a good
relationship I think isn't perfect and stress free. It's where
the light gets shoon on you and you just deal
with it and it gets shot on your dark parts.
And the reason I say that is because we tend
(17:21):
to resolve things a lot quicker than we used to,
like I know the first time I.
Speaker 1 (17:25):
Ever had because we chose to change the way that
we feel about those particular things.
Speaker 2 (17:30):
That actually brings all back conscious choice. So we're both right.
Recognition practice practice makes perfect. So yeah, I'll give you
some ground on that.
Speaker 1 (17:44):
I'll give you another example of what I mean. Okay,
So this particular issue, if we were going by your
logic or your belief in this situation, you should feel
bad because somebody is trying to make you feel bad
about this particular thing. So I've been in a relationship
way back when when somebody said, if you leave me,
(18:07):
I'm going to kill myself.
Speaker 2 (18:08):
Yeah, that's common, it is.
Speaker 1 (18:10):
Common, and it's really really weird. But anyway, immediately I
was like, what do you want me to And this
is going to sound cold as it is, it's going
to sound cold ass, but I.
Speaker 2 (18:22):
Will not be emotional manipulation.
Speaker 1 (18:25):
I will not be emotionally manipulated by that. So if
you want to make the choice to end your life,
I will not feel bad about it, And I just
won't what a piece.
Speaker 2 (18:32):
You feel bad if they did end their life.
Speaker 1 (18:34):
No, I would probably feel a little bit sad that
someone someone's grandson died, and I'd feel bad for those people.
But I'm not going to be made to feel bad.
Speaker 2 (18:45):
I've heard of teenagers having that manipulation. Just to segue
a little bit where well, we know someone I won't
name names, but you know who broke some rules in
her parents' house. And then it was when we sat
and talked to it was like, oh, but he said
he was going to do something to himself like and
that was sixteen to stop it. That's to be manipulat
someone at sixteen.
Speaker 1 (19:06):
So if you're going to allow yourself for other people
to make you feel something, then those tactics would work
so well on you. So I'm going to kill myself
if you leave me. Oh my god. Okay, let's stay
together for the next twenty years.
Speaker 2 (19:20):
So we're in a great relationship, right You're not, which
is so And that's different to a perfect relationship because
I don't think that exists. I think we're perfect for
each other, but I don't think there's anything as perfect, obviously,
But I think we're in a great relationship because we
have grown and evolved, and I think that's what I think,
that's what relationships are meant to be about. But there's
(19:42):
absolutely still things that trigger each other that we fully
disagree on, and then it's about how we respond to
get ourselves to that next point. So say we have
this great relationship for the next ten years, everything's good,
and then one day something happens and you just leave.
And I don't know where that came from or why
(20:02):
that happened, or I don't think that's be because you're
pretty discussion, so it's pretty a poor example. You're pretty honest,
but like I would feel terrible by the things I
didn't see it coming, so I don't know how I
would train myself not to feel bad about that.
Speaker 1 (20:19):
Eventually you could feel better. But ultimately, what I'm saying
is it's your choice. I haven't made you feel anything.
You feel sad based on your love for me, based
on how you feel based on your expectations.
Speaker 2 (20:30):
Of me, and you're leaving me, and me.
Speaker 1 (20:32):
Not and me saying that I wouldn't leave you, and
you believing that. But again, that's your choice. Yeah, and
I'll give you another example, right, say you buy me
flowers every week, which you do, love you, and you
take me out for dinner and you do all the
standard things that you think that are going to make
me happy, and I'm like, sad, you can't make me happy.
(20:56):
You've tried you've done all the things that you think
are going to make me happy. Well, this is an example.
All those things would make me happy, and they do,
and they do make me happy. But imagine if you're
doing all the things that you do to make me
happy and still I'm not happy.
Speaker 2 (21:15):
So I would in that situation because it's.
Speaker 1 (21:18):
My choice whether I'm going to be happy about the
things that you're doing, it's my choice.
Speaker 2 (21:22):
But my situation would be to try and work out
why you're not happy.
Speaker 1 (21:27):
Yeah, but we're talking about I.
Speaker 2 (21:29):
Would then work out so I so flowers aren't the
thing that make you happy? What is the thing? And
I don't know, Like I'd have to try and work
out what that is for you, Like if I'm buying
you the flowers and all you really want is meant
to help around the house, which is a standard thing
in a relationship, not for us, but just standy thing
in a relationship where flowers are great. But I'd love
(21:50):
it if you do some freaking dishes and help put
the kids to bed.
Speaker 1 (21:53):
But you know, have you ever heard the saying or
some people are just never happy because it's their choice.
You can do everything, and they're simply not happy. Because
of whatever's going on in there, making a choice whether
to be unhappy.
Speaker 2 (22:07):
That's where I will agree with you on this one.
On this one, This whole.
Speaker 1 (22:11):
Week is like I want to get you on this one.
We didn't get me.
Speaker 2 (22:17):
Because she's choosing not to be gotten. I'm an actually idiot. No, yeah,
I'm going to let I think that's where we have
to leave that sit and let people decide. Open to
your opinions.
Speaker 1 (22:36):
Love, We actually will put an NGL on this episode
when we post it, and please give me your feedback,
and because like I know that it seems like I'm
very self righteous and I'm like always right and we're.
Speaker 2 (22:49):
Kind of laughing and joking about it, but that's this
is how conversation should be. Yeah, there's no motion to this.
It's like you need to see my point of view.
Speaker 1 (22:57):
We're genuinely giving our point of view. I also love
your point of view. So you can weigh in on
this situation if you can tell me something that I'm
not seeing, or you can tell Glenn something that he's
not seeing, or we love feedback, so send it in
and weigh in and your thoughts on this.
Speaker 2 (23:13):
We're not couple therapists. But from my point of view,
as a couple, you've got to be very comfortable with
your partner being wrong, even if they don't say it cute,
that's what you normally it's cute. I'll pay for that
later edit. I just think it's good to have the
(23:34):
open conversations where you don't attach emotion to it. People
attach emotion to conversations that so don't need it, Like
why is this even that important? You know? And you
see it around anything from kids, sports to political That's
why people they don't talk about politics religion. Why not
unless you're emotionally charging to I'm not that attached to
any political opinion or a religious opinion. I just have
(23:56):
my own beliefs, that's all. And I don't agree with everything.
The only time I'll have a real strong opinion is
if you espouse a religious belief and then you behave
in a very different way. But that doesn't even have
to be religious. And we've experienced that in the episode
last week, where people were putting out all this stuff
about God and all that sort of stuff and then
behaving in a very different way. Well, I'll definitely have
(24:18):
an opinion on that, but that's just not to do
specific with religion. That's to do with you not being
aligned with what you say. So if you're going to
say a thing, then do a thing. Be who you
say you are, be the biggest thing. So there's such
a shorter episode this week, but it was fun. It's
one that really has been wanting to talk about forever,
and I've been not delaying it, but we've just had
other stuff to talk about. I'm open only.
Speaker 1 (24:41):
Because I really didn't like enjoy this part of one
of our first dates where we had this discussion and
it didn't turn ugly, just because we disagreed with each other,
and I would love to share that with our audience,
and also i'd love the audience to weigh in because
maybe I'm seeing something, I'm not seeing something.
Speaker 2 (24:59):
I don't think either of us are right or wrong.
I think we're just approaching it from, like you say,
different perspectives of life experiences, how we're interpreting certain things.
And you can again be in conversations, particularly with your partner,
but with anyone where you don't have to be right
or wrong. It's like if you've got very good friends,
even you don't have to be on board with every
(25:20):
single thing. A lot of people have echo chambers, so
they only hang around with people who have the one
hundred percent beliefs that they have, and then you can't
expand anything in the world because you're only seeing things.
It's like it's like if you were born in one
suburb of Brisbane and you never left that suburb of Brisbane,
you don't know the world. Or you can do is
watch it on TV and have an opinion on it.
But I can watch something in India or America, or
(25:44):
like I can smell India because I've been to Nepal
and India and you have to experience some things in life,
like people can have an opinion on P and G.
If you've not been there, you don't know. And so
you get stuck in these echo chambers because you surround
yourself with people that yes, yes, yes, with everything that
you say. Week of personalities will absolutely mold to that.
(26:07):
And we do not have weak personalities. So that's so therefore,
if we don't have weak personalities, and therefore we know
that every discussion that we disagree on is going to
stay because we're going to lock hard on our own beliefs,
and we respond poorly to that how could you say
together or you're just going to be constantly fighting, and
so that's we're not like that. We just we'll just
(26:28):
feed it in every now and then. I'm sure this
will be discussed on the way home, but I'd like
to open the floor to other topics and conversations. What
are some things we got, some things we were going
to talk about over the next couple of weeks.
Speaker 1 (26:40):
Yeah, I've written a little list.
Speaker 2 (26:42):
Yeah, because we've had so many people that have reached
out to us. You know, I get text messages and
Facebook messages from people you know that I think are
really cool and we're open to. Like Angie, your means
that people can be anonymous. So of course you get
a few that are a bit disgruntled, grubby sort of
comments in there, or good like I don't care, they
(27:03):
don't have to be aired. But for the most part
they're really good. And then when people facebook or text messages,
it's more open and honest of nice things. Because I
just say this, this is the thing, and I got
one the other day and I read it to you
from a friend of ours. So I took this guy,
John Tannik to Kakoto. He's a great bloke and his
dad thought over there and one of his daughters, I
(27:26):
think it was Lea, messaged me yeah, and I'll read
this because you know Lea my mind. She said, I've
been listening to Mayhem Monday. The episode on divorce stopped
me in my tracks. It was raw, honest, and to
be honest, the most relatable content I've heard. I tend
to avoid podcasts on this topic as I've been there,
done that, and got the battle scars and don't want
to look back too much. Till Death do Us Part
has never sat well with me when people query this.
(27:47):
Millie's answer to this is exactly what I've always thought.
At what costs? I guess the clue is in the
title until death do Us Part? The cost is the
death of someone's values, mental state, physical state, and overall
psychological well being. No, thank you, I'll also ad met
On Monday, I went looking for yours and Millie's podcast
as I've enjoyed the previous ones, but the last one
did blow me away. And then she said, I've always
enjoyed your podcast claim, but with Millie's input involvement for me,
(28:08):
it's even better. Oh thank you so, and that's just
one episode like massive thank you to Leo, who I'm
sure will be listening or watching this. We value these
feedbacks because when you get some negatives, you can lock
down on that, but we get so many more positives,
so many more people that were on that topic. Though.
Speaker 1 (28:29):
Of feedback and the divorce episode, there were a few
because I put an ngie you were on Kokoda and
I put a few. I put an engier link up
on give me your thoughts on the divorce podcast, and
I got a couple. First of all, thank you for
sharing their oat. Second of all, their loyalty goes both ways. Absolutely,
(28:54):
someone I can't believe people ask you these questions. Honestly,
good view for staying so calm?
Speaker 2 (29:00):
Can I just pause that the reason we stay so
calm is that we are pretty emotionally stable in we
have emotions like everyone else, and I'm sure somethings you're
really think and it's like a bit triggering if someone
has a hard.
Speaker 1 (29:11):
Day, yeah, because it make me feel anything.
Speaker 2 (29:17):
But we just say can't because hey, this is a
public podcast. If you want to have a question opinion.
We're not experts in anything, but we've got we've got
life experience, we'd love to share with people just to
make life better. And if someone like Leah, and I'm
sure there's lots people out there that have been through
divorces and stuff, and particularly from the women's side, where
it can be a bit more frowned upon still in
today's society to say, hey, like, I'm a human and
(29:38):
I've got a voice and I've got a feeling about this.
Speaker 1 (29:40):
You know, there was also this question, would you have
given him another chance if Glenn wasn't around. Absolutely not.
I will not go back on somebody blatantly lying to
my face many many times about small things and big things.
That's just honesty and transparency is a massive thing for me.
And when it gets to a line where I need
to cut it, I will cut it and I will
not look back. And you can't make me feel bad
(30:03):
about that.
Speaker 2 (30:05):
But you also have to That comes down to a
level of self respect. And you always said I'd prefer
to be on my own, and I certainly reached that
stage before I met you, where I was adamant that
this is my life now to be on my own,
and i'd settled on that, I was okay with it.
You've got to be okay, with the potential of being
on your own. I remember years ago one of my
best mates daughter, I was like fourteen or fifteen, and
(30:26):
I had split up with some boy and it was
like the worst thing in the world, and now now
I'm going to be a loser. And two weeks la
as you're seeing someone else, and you go, you don't
have to be with someone because and I understand at
that age at s cool, there's probably prescious, but I
know people in their thirties doing that. They feel like
if you're on your own, you must be unlovable. That's
not true at all. But love starts with having the
capacity to love yourself. And one of my best mates,
(30:48):
Michael said to us recently we were talking to him
about a business thing and I think you went into boxing,
and we talked about how many people have helped, which
was last week's podcast, and certain athletes I'd work with,
and he said, I've watched you do this, and he said,
and part of my belief is that maybe you haven't
learned to love yourself. My thought, it's an interesting perspective
because if you're not having learned fully to love yourself,
(31:10):
maybe you're seeking that validation through helping other people. Oh,
you're the guy that's helped me. Thank you so much.
My own parents couldn't do that, and I've had that
feedback from athletes. My parents don't do this. This this
I've had I've had athletes stuck overseas. His parents couldn't
stump up thrownder bucks to help them, so they ring
me right, And so then I'd liked being that savior.
Maybe that was sort of Michael's perspective, so I'm open
(31:32):
to that idea. They learned to love yourself.
Speaker 1 (31:36):
The last one here relating to the divorce episode, which
I did say that I was going to answer it
on my stories and like, just life happened, and I forgot,
so I'll just do it now. But it said because
we mentioned something physical that happened. Yes, so the aggression
was what was the physical thing that happened. I actually
don't want to answer that, only because it did go
down a very short legal route and essentially it's my
(31:59):
word against his, his word against mine, and so there's
no point in talking about it.
Speaker 2 (32:04):
Were claims, DV claims made and all that st of stuff,
and you know, some of the result of that I'm
not happy with but we can't control. So again, we
either allow that to.
Speaker 1 (32:19):
He's getting it. He's getting it, guys.
Speaker 2 (32:23):
I was trapped. We either allowed that to be our
problem for the for the next five or ten years
and be annoyed.
Speaker 1 (32:28):
Oh, we just choose to not feel annoyed and just
to move on. And you know, yeah, so I will
say that I got my divorce finalized. So and I
met with him down at the courthouse to do that. That
was good, got a JP to sign it. We had
a really good conversation around how the kids are, how
his kids are, how my kids are. You know, there
(32:49):
wasn't any anger or animosity. It was just what it was.
Move on. I gave him back his engagement ring.
Speaker 2 (32:58):
That was the way it was the way.
Speaker 1 (33:00):
Coda coda.
Speaker 2 (33:01):
Yeah, that was away on Coakoda. And in one day
you had caught up with your ex and then another
ex rang her from like when she was a kid.
Almost yeah, nineteen twenty.
Speaker 1 (33:14):
He just popped up, I'm driving and then he's like,
he's got the same number for you for years, and
it's just rocked up on my phone and I was like, Hey,
how you doing. And then apparently he had seen me.
Someone had shown him my WBC win on Facebook because
he's real hippie and he doesn't have any of that stuff.
He never has. He's funny.
Speaker 2 (33:37):
She likes the hippie types.
Speaker 1 (33:38):
He just said, one of my friends showed me that
you were doing really well in boxing, and I just
wanted to say congratulations and all of that. And he
gave me his full address, and he's like, if you
were if you guys are over down this way, come
and say hey.
Speaker 2 (33:53):
And I'll be honest, I could kind of made me
feel a little way initially like that you were caught
up two ex's and because you're pretty cool like that,
you're like whatever, like it is what it is. As
a man, you still got a it's just a little
piece of like, oh, you know, and I'm not home,
but whatever it's. And then very quickly you just get
over yourself. And you have taught me that. So I'm
(34:13):
going to concede a little bit of ground on this
feeling thing because you've taught me to process those feelings
a lot differently than and I think a lot of
men are in this boat unfortunately that if a male
is involved, and we talked about these weeks ago, but
with your partners can make you feel a certain way,
and I probably you don't process or learn to change
(34:36):
your thoughts or behaviors around that because you'd never challenged to,
but you were very well, you'd even challenge me to.
You just were very calmly asking me saying, well, why
would that be a thing unless I don't trust you
don't trust me, which is that's true, and so yeah,
we're just I'm glad you did it, to be honest,
and I'm glad it was really calm. And I think
it's a nice way for that to end, because when
(34:58):
relationships end, even if there's some physical or there's all
the other things. I don't think inherently people are bad people.
I just think we're just not meshed sometimes and when
we're out of alignment in various and stuff. Because I'm
adamant believer that most of the people that I've dated
with the bad people. But as I'm an older I think, well,
it's pretty rough, like they just weren't for me, and
(35:20):
so you know, I can see how people think I'm
not a good person.
Speaker 1 (35:24):
Me tue, there's people in my old life that could
look at me and go oh, and at the time
there are certain choices that I made that weren't necessarily
good and didn't really serve other people. And so you know,
you can you have every right to paint me in
that light because that was your experience of me.
Speaker 2 (35:43):
So I've said to Mellie in the early days, I
wish I'd met you sooner, and you said to me, now,
you wouldn't have liked that version of me.
Speaker 1 (35:51):
It was a very different version of me. I always
was who I am to my core, but I just
made certain choices that weren't the right choice based on
that time of my life.
Speaker 2 (36:02):
But based on again the education, the experience. It's the
light where the road life took you on. If all
that was presented to your same you'd probably make the
same decision, right. It's only when we know better we
do better. So and it's the same for all of us.
We've all got little dark patches of our lives that
we're not proud of or that that would hate to
get judged on. And that's what this is a segue
(36:23):
with the sadness for young people today is so much
more of their lives can be judged because it's so
out there in public. Whereas for us, I guess we're
the last You're probably the last generation didn't grow up
with that stuff came in a little bit later. Our
kids have got it from such a young age that
you've got to deal with all of that. But that
just adds layers of complexity. So I've enjoyed this episode
(36:46):
and we'll see where the next one goes. Thank you
for the people that do send feedback through We really,
honestly we do appreciate it. We don't take it personally.
We know that people have got opinions of us. We
say we don't judge people. We all naturally run people
through a filter when we see them. But when I
look at really harsh judgment of us, I would process
(37:08):
that as you don't really know us, that's all. And
that's that's neither here nor there as a negative, because
I know we're good people, and I know there's been
a lot of tears over last week's episode, and for
you and for me, we've we've really hammered ourselves over
how that happened and why that happened, and wanting to
help people and all of that sort of thing. And
that's just because we care, and you know, we might
(37:30):
come across tath but we care and that's why we
help people. And so now we've just learned to say, oh,
that's a part of the process, you know. So that's
us another episode of Mayhem.
Speaker 1 (37:41):
Monday, have a great week ahead.
Speaker 2 (37:43):
We've o put up an NGL and just ask people
what they'd like us to talk about, even yeah, or
even just on our general stories. So follow our stories.
It's just at glans after myself and it's at Millie Mayhem.
You change it recently to mill so yeah, and now
linked to your Facebook and whatnot. So if people ask
us questions, Instagram is the best way really because it's
as quick thanks to skies
Approache Production.
Speaker 2 (00:33):
Hey, team glenas a Here wealcing back to the Building
Better Humans Project podcast for yet another episode of Mayhem Mondays, which.
Speaker 1 (00:39):
Means we've got Mayhem in the building.
Speaker 2 (00:42):
So we talked last week about a pretty intense situation
we've been through, and again I want to reiterate that
that is all about lessons of growth. It's not about
having a go at the people for what happened, although
they've got to own their own standard. It's about our
piece in it. And so I just want to follow
(01:02):
that up by saying, everything that happens in your life,
you have to look at how you respond to it,
and if it's not a positive response, ask yourself, is
there a better way I could have responded? Or can
I remove myself from that situation? Or how do I
stop it happening again?
Speaker 1 (01:17):
How could I have prevented that situation in the first place.
So that's where accountability comes in. Did what part did
you play? Yes in all of that, And we explained
our part in that, and we're going to actively moving
forward not make the same mistake.
Speaker 2 (01:31):
And the reason I think that's important is because if
you constantly go through similar things and think about relationships
where someone goes, oh, she's just attracted to the bad boys,
or you know, he's always attracted the same type of people.
But at some point you've got to ask yourself questions
around that if you constantly have a behavior that keeps happening.
In my situation, if I keep letting you know, in
(01:53):
this case, talented athletes come in and just behave a
certain way, the ones I've held a standard for, and
I'll talk about Jaden and Nikorema, who's obviously I'm very
close to. But when he was going through all of
his challeges, I did know him when I only met
him months and he wanted to come and work with me.
I made him come and meet me at five am
on a Friday morning, and he was like, he didn't
have five am exist unless he was coming home from
(02:14):
a bender. That's what he said afterwards, And that was
part of his problems drugs and ourchol abuse and things.
And I said to him, the reason I did that
was someone to see if you turn up, because if
you didn't turn up, I was going to waste any
more time. I got away from that over the last
couple of years, and I started to give people leeway
when they turned up late or didn't turn up at all,
or so I have to own that. And if I
do that again, because but they're really talented, you and
(02:34):
I at least a situation where you can go no, bro,
that's not what we're doing. And so I think that's
the lesson learned too often. If you need someone else
to change your behavior, then they have all the power.
I need to own my things, So I don't care
how talented you are. I have to be ald a
walk away from that. So that's my lesson. And for
you guys out there, learn your lessons when you're making mistakes.
(02:57):
Don't just assume it's someone else's fault. Learn your lessons,
which kind of so what I was saying there is
flies in the face of what we're going to talk
about next my opinion anyway, which is people can't make
you feel a thing, Because what I'm saying is if
I need someone else to change your behavior in order
for me to perform or feel a certain way, well
that's giving them all the power. But also I also
(03:20):
do firmly believe that other people can make you feel things.
Speaker 1 (03:24):
I don't believe that, so I don't believe any of that.
So we are first like one of our first dates
that we went on, we had this discussion and it
got like I want to say, heated.
Speaker 2 (03:36):
Was that that same same? So same same? Because we
always like talking about food, people ask the same sames
are very nice?
Speaker 1 (03:42):
Is it same same? Yeah, summer summer. Someone's going to
have to tell us because I know, but everybody in
Brisbane has this debate.
Speaker 2 (03:52):
They I've not heard this debate anyway. The ads of
mess is that same same mate, But I'm going to
ask him. But it's an amazing Asian fusion restaurant who
also don't but also we'd be most welcome.
Speaker 1 (04:06):
To any of these.
Speaker 2 (04:07):
Is going to keep put that out there. Yeah, we
went out there for dinner and we had this discussion.
Speaker 1 (04:13):
How so basically, I say, nobody can make you feel anything,
and it's your choice to feel that way or not
feel that way based on you at that time, but
also based on your experiences and your life upbringings and
the way that you've the way that you are conditioned,
(04:34):
and also the way that your condition you can recondition yourself.
Speaker 2 (04:38):
But like someone cuts you off in traffic and you
get angry.
Speaker 1 (04:41):
That's your choice. Because you don't have to be angry,
but you do. But that's my choice. But I don't
always Otherwise I would always and everybody would always react
the same way.
Speaker 2 (04:54):
Yeah, but you do it so people cut you off.
You always react the same.
Speaker 1 (04:57):
Way, yeah, because that's my choice.
Speaker 2 (04:59):
But my point is like, like, if you really deeply,
passionately love someone and they do something that hurts you,
it hurts and you can't just turn that off.
Speaker 1 (05:12):
Yeah you can't, but that's based on your upbringings and
the based on how you feel about that person.
Speaker 2 (05:18):
Yeah, but they've created it by.
Speaker 1 (05:20):
It, so you actually can get to a point where
you're like, I don't want to feel this way anymore,
so I'm going to choose not to feel it.
Speaker 2 (05:27):
But if you speak to them, you're carrying this behavior.
It's making me feel a thing. This is honest conversations.
Speaker 1 (05:33):
And then some people are that strong that you do
them wrong once, no matter how much they feel about you,
they will choose to go see ya and they will
leave and they will not think about you again.
Speaker 2 (05:46):
I don't know if that's entirely true. I do if
you're that deeply like I, if I separated from you,
like I think I'm pretty solid and I can move on,
and I think you do as well. We've always said that.
So I said this to you last night when we
were out, that if I was to be separated from you,
I don't think I would get over it, Like I'm
that attached to.
Speaker 1 (06:04):
You, but that's you. I'm not making you feel.
Speaker 2 (06:07):
That well you are because if you stayed with me,
I wouldn't feel it.
Speaker 1 (06:13):
How often do we say, at what point are you
going to go? I'm making a choice now, You're always
making it.
Speaker 2 (06:21):
But if you separated, So if we separated, even if
you don't want to admit it, you would still feel bad.
Speaker 1 (06:27):
Based on my choices, based on how I feel about you.
You're not making me. You're not. You haven't got some
magic power that's going to be like doing a wand
and making her feel this way. I am going to
feel how I feel because of who I am, how
I am, and how I grew up.
Speaker 2 (06:46):
I think that's so that's just us shifting words around.
Speaker 1 (06:50):
No, so like because at some point I can choose
to go that relationship wasn't good for me, and I'm
going to feel better about that now. Or you could
sit in your own dark thoughts and sad for the
rest of your life. You're not making me feel anything.
Speaker 2 (07:08):
If we separate, just to be clear for everyone watching
and this thing, if we separate and want you to
feel bad for the rest.
Speaker 1 (07:13):
Of your life, yeah, if I do, you're not making
me feel that.
Speaker 2 (07:17):
Way though I'm requesting it. So I just can't get
on board with that, So you can be.
Speaker 1 (07:26):
My thing is when people say stop making me or
she made me feel bad, you don't have to feel bad,
she made me feel guilty, You don't have to.
Speaker 2 (07:35):
You can't just control an emotion like that, Like if
you feel.
Speaker 1 (07:38):
Upset, you're strong enough, you can.
Speaker 2 (07:40):
I don't think either of us are strong enough that
we okay.
Speaker 1 (07:42):
But that's besides the point of whether we can or
we can't. The point is it's your choice.
Speaker 2 (07:48):
I just don't agree. I think emotions are so raw
and so real that I don't choose to feel upset
like that.
Speaker 1 (07:56):
But you can choose to feel not upset. So you
can go in your own mind and come up with
all the reasons why you're going to choose to feel
happy today. So you know how people say whose happiness?
And so people go, oh, but I'm so sad in
my life that I can't, but you can.
Speaker 2 (08:09):
I get that, and I understand like changing your physiology
can make you like music you listen to, or you
can change your physiology that way. But your initial reaction
is it's still very hard. It's an internal real thing
that just happens, and then you've got to consciously try
and pull yourself out of it.
Speaker 1 (08:27):
But that's based on who you.
Speaker 2 (08:29):
Are or your past experiences.
Speaker 1 (08:32):
Your past experiences and how you react to a certainty.
Speaker 2 (08:35):
You can't control that until you consciously think.
Speaker 1 (08:38):
About so in the future. So so let's give you
an example. Say we do you chose the bad boy twice, right, So,
the first time you chose the bad boy, you really
believed in the bad boy, You thought that he loved you,
and then he did something, he cheated on you, and
you are so sad about it and so upset about you,
so upset about it because yeah, that's how you feel.
(09:01):
Then the second time that it happens, same go. No,
so you chose another bad boy and he cheats on you.
You can go from this experience based on my life experiences,
instead of feeling sad and angry about it, I'm going
to choose to go Nope, but I'm going to be
happy because I've already made that same mistake, and I'm
(09:23):
not going to allow another person, you know this, this
power over me. I'm going to choose you have my
own power.
Speaker 2 (09:33):
Some way of saying. But what I'm going to say
to you is when that second person cheating, you've been
together three months, six months, a year, and everything's been sweet,
everything's going really good, and then you find out he cheated,
your initial response would still be gutted because you trusted
this person, you love this person. That would be your
initial response, your then trained response, your conscious response.
Speaker 1 (09:54):
That's what I'm saying.
Speaker 2 (09:55):
But I'm talking about people canna make us feel a
certain way at a subconscious level. Then we have to
turn it around.
Speaker 1 (10:01):
Or you could go, oh this again and move on.
Speaker 2 (10:05):
But the danger of that is which I still think
is a conscious decision. I'm talking about. Your subconscious decision
is based.
Speaker 1 (10:12):
On your life experiences.
Speaker 2 (10:14):
But if you cheated on me, I would be gutted
right on who.
Speaker 1 (10:18):
You are because you put so much love and trust
into me.
Speaker 2 (10:23):
But I would be guarded as your choice, and then
I would have to consciously say all right, she did
a thing knowing that that was against that thing we've
talked about. This, this was actually something we had talked about.
So now I have to consciously move past that. But
I don't think in a month's time I'm going to
be going that was cool, that was all good. No, No,
I'm going to still be gutted. No.
Speaker 1 (10:41):
It's not saying it's cool, but it's choosing to not
allow somebody to have so much power over you that
you're going to be so sad about it forever or
not enough.
Speaker 2 (10:50):
Ever. I think the more distance you have it will
get better. But I'm just saying my initial response and
my response every time I think about you for a
period of time until distance came between us, would still
be guarded. And I think even in a year's time.
Speaker 1 (11:02):
And two years time, I would just eventually. You just said,
you make a choice not to be sad about it.
Speaker 2 (11:08):
That's conscious, But the initial response is subconscious.
Speaker 1 (11:13):
But that's based on who you are.
Speaker 2 (11:14):
Yeah, but you can't control a subconscious based on your
life experience. But you can't control that. So someone made
me feel that by the action they talked based on
my subconscious This is semantics. We're just playing with words.
Speaker 1 (11:28):
That's how you felt.
Speaker 2 (11:29):
But you can't control that until you take the conscious
side to it.
Speaker 1 (11:32):
Otherwise you could say this person made me cheat because
they didn't give me enough attention.
Speaker 2 (11:39):
I'll tell you this story. I'll tell everyone else's story,
because you know the story. We had this conversation and
it was probably the first. I wouldn't even say it
was heated, but we just refuse to agree on it.
Speaker 1 (11:50):
I don't think we ever will agree.
Speaker 2 (11:52):
No, we're not going to agree. We're not going to
agree today.
Speaker 1 (11:54):
This podcast long enough what you think.
Speaker 2 (11:56):
But I want to say this, because this is what
I took out of this is we had this disagreement
over dinner, the first time we'd had a disagreement, and
it was very early on in us seeing each other.
You know, we still weren't like living together or any
of that sort of stuff. It was just you know,
those early stages. And then after the conversation where I
think it kind of ended with me saying, we're gonna
(12:18):
have to agree to disagree because I'm not getting on board.
And one thing I'll say with Milly in any discussion,
she's very good at getting you on board, and she's
relentless you'll beat you down and you go, you know what,
You're right, you just give up. You are You're very
good at it. And I was talking to Linda recently
(12:39):
to mar when she was visiting, and she said, Millie's
too quick with her words and her thinking, and sometimes
when I have a discussion with her, an hour later,
I think about something I could have said or should
have said. I said, yeah, but really ORDER would have
a response for that, because you think very quickly, which
is really bad for the boys when they try and
make up story because you're three steps ahead of them
(13:00):
and they still havent learn because you're young. And I think, well,
I'm fifty three, nice to eleven learned. But one thing
I took I just said, we're just going to agree
to disagree, because there are some times where I just
can't get on board with the thing. And I do
think I have flexible belief systems and all that, so
I think I've changed a lot since being with you.
But this is the lesson I took out of that
is you went to the toilet when I was just
(13:21):
sitting on mine for a little bit, and then you
came back and you actually sat on my lap and
you've got a bit teary, And I was like, what's
that about? And you said, I think this is the
first time I've had a disagreement with a man where
he hasn't got angry because I wouldn't agree with him,
which is I'd never really thought about that because I'm
a big bloke and all that sort of stuff, and
you don't realize that men would use anger.
Speaker 1 (13:41):
To try it, and they get personal and they get
really really angry when a woman, especially somebody who they're dating,
doesn't just automatically agree with them, and that's just not me.
If I don't agree.
Speaker 2 (13:52):
I'm going to say, how do they get personal? You're
happy with those eyebrows?
Speaker 1 (13:59):
Are you happy with yours?
Speaker 2 (14:02):
I'll get a men's head. And so it's all right,
this is a rugged, good look, so it's not like a.
Speaker 1 (14:07):
Brad pit, Oh my god.
Speaker 2 (14:11):
But I do think that was a good point early
in our relationship to know that I wasn't going to
just either one try and send over you until you agree,
which I know you're well enough done that's not going
to happen, which then means my only other next option
is to be pissed off that you won't agree because
if I can't get you to change your opinion, whereas
I was happy to say I just don't agree with
(14:32):
you on this thing, and I still don't years later, fully,
but I do think we're playing semantics with words.
Speaker 1 (14:38):
I don't think we are. I think that you say
it's a conscious choice. You can train yourself. Like I
said at the start of this, you can condition yourself
into and no one is good at it, but you
can do it well. He's always a choice.
Speaker 2 (14:51):
So here's the danger of that conditioning. People always talking
about trusting your gut, and we talked last week about
watching from red flags. My only issue with trusting our
gut sometimes is that our gut reacts on past experiences,
not on future. It's not necessarily a future predictor. And
by that I mean if you've been cheated on more
(15:12):
than once in multiple relationships, then as soon as you
see a behavior that happens from someone that could also
be tied into a past person, you think they're cheating
or they're gonna cheat, and they might not be, do
you know what I mean? Like, you can sometimes accelerate
a thing that's not there because you get triggered. I
hate using words like triggered and trauma and that because
(15:33):
I think they're overused, if I'm really honest. But triggers,
if we want to put them on a base of
other just things that make you react out of your past,
not out of your future. And the problem and the
reason we do that, and the reason we can't do
what I'm talking about necessarily off the top of hat
is because you've probably have given people, you probably have
overlooked some of those triggers in the past, and then
(15:55):
you've been proven wrong again. That's happened again. It's happened again,
It's happened again, and then you get to the stage
where you could burn people. Look. So my trigger is,
and I think I've been pretty clear this with you,
is that I always think people are going to leave me,
because everyone that's ever loved you has left you, starting
with your parents. And I'm not ready to disrespect my parents.
I get on okay with them now better than I
(16:15):
ever have. But I look back at my past and realize,
as soon as I think there's a chance that someone
might leave, I'll push my way because I would want
to control that. So that's a trigger. If I continue
that trigger, and I'm with someone that doesn't have the
capacity to give a bit of ground, then I'm going
to push them away and then and that's just going
to be a constant thing, and then you'd go through that.
(16:35):
And I've heard this from so many people. I'm better,
I've been on my own right. I've said that, I
said that for years, for a decade, and then I
meet you, and I've definitely we've triggered each other absolutely
on We have different triggers, of course, different life experiences,
and we've triggered each other on things. But what we've
become really good at is giving some grounds against our triggers,
(16:58):
even though it might feel uncomfortable, feels uncomfortable to sit
in your triggers. It feels uncomfortable to have to look
at yourself in the mirror, which is what a good
relationship I think isn't perfect and stress free. It's where
the light gets shoon on you and you just deal
with it and it gets shot on your dark parts.
And the reason I say that is because we tend
(17:21):
to resolve things a lot quicker than we used to,
like I know the first time I.
Speaker 1 (17:25):
Ever had because we chose to change the way that
we feel about those particular things.
Speaker 2 (17:30):
That actually brings all back conscious choice. So we're both right.
Recognition practice practice makes perfect. So yeah, I'll give you
some ground on that.
Speaker 1 (17:44):
I'll give you another example of what I mean. Okay,
So this particular issue, if we were going by your
logic or your belief in this situation, you should feel
bad because somebody is trying to make you feel bad
about this particular thing. So I've been in a relationship
way back when when somebody said, if you leave me,
(18:07):
I'm going to kill myself.
Speaker 2 (18:08):
Yeah, that's common, it is.
Speaker 1 (18:10):
Common, and it's really really weird. But anyway, immediately I
was like, what do you want me to And this
is going to sound cold as it is, it's going
to sound cold ass, but I.
Speaker 2 (18:22):
Will not be emotional manipulation.
Speaker 1 (18:25):
I will not be emotionally manipulated by that. So if
you want to make the choice to end your life,
I will not feel bad about it, And I just
won't what a piece.
Speaker 2 (18:32):
You feel bad if they did end their life.
Speaker 1 (18:34):
No, I would probably feel a little bit sad that
someone someone's grandson died, and I'd feel bad for those people.
But I'm not going to be made to feel bad.
Speaker 2 (18:45):
I've heard of teenagers having that manipulation. Just to segue
a little bit where well, we know someone I won't
name names, but you know who broke some rules in
her parents' house. And then it was when we sat
and talked to it was like, oh, but he said
he was going to do something to himself like and
that was sixteen to stop it. That's to be manipulat
someone at sixteen.
Speaker 1 (19:06):
So if you're going to allow yourself for other people
to make you feel something, then those tactics would work
so well on you. So I'm going to kill myself
if you leave me. Oh my god. Okay, let's stay
together for the next twenty years.
Speaker 2 (19:20):
So we're in a great relationship, right You're not, which
is so And that's different to a perfect relationship because
I don't think that exists. I think we're perfect for
each other, but I don't think there's anything as perfect, obviously,
But I think we're in a great relationship because we
have grown and evolved, and I think that's what I think,
that's what relationships are meant to be about. But there's
(19:42):
absolutely still things that trigger each other that we fully
disagree on, and then it's about how we respond to
get ourselves to that next point. So say we have
this great relationship for the next ten years, everything's good,
and then one day something happens and you just leave.
And I don't know where that came from or why
(20:02):
that happened, or I don't think that's be because you're
pretty discussion, so it's pretty a poor example. You're pretty honest,
but like I would feel terrible by the things I
didn't see it coming, so I don't know how I
would train myself not to feel bad about that.
Speaker 1 (20:19):
Eventually you could feel better. But ultimately, what I'm saying
is it's your choice. I haven't made you feel anything.
You feel sad based on your love for me, based
on how you feel based on your expectations.
Speaker 2 (20:30):
Of me, and you're leaving me, and me.
Speaker 1 (20:32):
Not and me saying that I wouldn't leave you, and
you believing that. But again, that's your choice. Yeah, and
I'll give you another example, right, say you buy me
flowers every week, which you do, love you, and you
take me out for dinner and you do all the
standard things that you think that are going to make
me happy, and I'm like, sad, you can't make me happy.
(20:56):
You've tried you've done all the things that you think
are going to make me happy. Well, this is an example.
All those things would make me happy, and they do,
and they do make me happy. But imagine if you're
doing all the things that you do to make me
happy and still I'm not happy.
Speaker 2 (21:15):
So I would in that situation because it's.
Speaker 1 (21:18):
My choice whether I'm going to be happy about the
things that you're doing, it's my choice.
Speaker 2 (21:22):
But my situation would be to try and work out
why you're not happy.
Speaker 1 (21:27):
Yeah, but we're talking about I.
Speaker 2 (21:29):
Would then work out so I so flowers aren't the
thing that make you happy? What is the thing? And
I don't know, Like I'd have to try and work
out what that is for you, Like if I'm buying
you the flowers and all you really want is meant
to help around the house, which is a standard thing
in a relationship, not for us, but just standy thing
in a relationship where flowers are great. But I'd love
(21:50):
it if you do some freaking dishes and help put
the kids to bed.
Speaker 1 (21:53):
But you know, have you ever heard the saying or
some people are just never happy because it's their choice.
You can do everything, and they're simply not happy. Because
of whatever's going on in there, making a choice whether
to be unhappy.
Speaker 2 (22:07):
That's where I will agree with you on this one.
On this one, This whole.
Speaker 1 (22:11):
Week is like I want to get you on this one.
We didn't get me.
Speaker 2 (22:17):
Because she's choosing not to be gotten. I'm an actually idiot. No, yeah,
I'm going to let I think that's where we have
to leave that sit and let people decide. Open to
your opinions.
Speaker 1 (22:36):
Love, We actually will put an NGL on this episode
when we post it, and please give me your feedback,
and because like I know that it seems like I'm
very self righteous and I'm like always right and we're.
Speaker 2 (22:49):
Kind of laughing and joking about it, but that's this
is how conversation should be. Yeah, there's no motion to this.
It's like you need to see my point of view.
Speaker 1 (22:57):
We're genuinely giving our point of view. I also love
your point of view. So you can weigh in on
this situation if you can tell me something that I'm
not seeing, or you can tell Glenn something that he's
not seeing, or we love feedback, so send it in
and weigh in and your thoughts on this.
Speaker 2 (23:13):
We're not couple therapists. But from my point of view,
as a couple, you've got to be very comfortable with
your partner being wrong, even if they don't say it cute,
that's what you normally it's cute. I'll pay for that
later edit. I just think it's good to have the
(23:34):
open conversations where you don't attach emotion to it. People
attach emotion to conversations that so don't need it, Like
why is this even that important? You know? And you
see it around anything from kids, sports to political That's
why people they don't talk about politics religion. Why not
unless you're emotionally charging to I'm not that attached to
any political opinion or a religious opinion. I just have
(23:56):
my own beliefs, that's all. And I don't agree with everything.
The only time I'll have a real strong opinion is
if you espouse a religious belief and then you behave
in a very different way. But that doesn't even have
to be religious. And we've experienced that in the episode
last week, where people were putting out all this stuff
about God and all that sort of stuff and then
behaving in a very different way. Well, I'll definitely have
(24:18):
an opinion on that, but that's just not to do
specific with religion. That's to do with you not being
aligned with what you say. So if you're going to
say a thing, then do a thing. Be who you
say you are, be the biggest thing. So there's such
a shorter episode this week, but it was fun. It's
one that really has been wanting to talk about forever,
and I've been not delaying it, but we've just had
other stuff to talk about. I'm open only.
Speaker 1 (24:41):
Because I really didn't like enjoy this part of one
of our first dates where we had this discussion and
it didn't turn ugly, just because we disagreed with each other,
and I would love to share that with our audience,
and also i'd love the audience to weigh in because
maybe I'm seeing something, I'm not seeing something.
Speaker 2 (24:59):
I don't think either of us are right or wrong.
I think we're just approaching it from, like you say,
different perspectives of life experiences, how we're interpreting certain things.
And you can again be in conversations, particularly with your partner,
but with anyone where you don't have to be right
or wrong. It's like if you've got very good friends,
even you don't have to be on board with every
(25:20):
single thing. A lot of people have echo chambers, so
they only hang around with people who have the one
hundred percent beliefs that they have, and then you can't
expand anything in the world because you're only seeing things.
It's like it's like if you were born in one
suburb of Brisbane and you never left that suburb of Brisbane,
you don't know the world. Or you can do is
watch it on TV and have an opinion on it.
But I can watch something in India or America, or
(25:44):
like I can smell India because I've been to Nepal
and India and you have to experience some things in life,
like people can have an opinion on P and G.
If you've not been there, you don't know. And so
you get stuck in these echo chambers because you surround
yourself with people that yes, yes, yes, with everything that
you say. Week of personalities will absolutely mold to that.
(26:07):
And we do not have weak personalities. So that's so therefore,
if we don't have weak personalities, and therefore we know
that every discussion that we disagree on is going to
stay because we're going to lock hard on our own beliefs,
and we respond poorly to that how could you say
together or you're just going to be constantly fighting, and
so that's we're not like that. We just we'll just
(26:28):
feed it in every now and then. I'm sure this
will be discussed on the way home, but I'd like
to open the floor to other topics and conversations. What
are some things we got, some things we were going
to talk about over the next couple of weeks.
Speaker 1 (26:40):
Yeah, I've written a little list.
Speaker 2 (26:42):
Yeah, because we've had so many people that have reached
out to us. You know, I get text messages and
Facebook messages from people you know that I think are
really cool and we're open to. Like Angie, your means
that people can be anonymous. So of course you get
a few that are a bit disgruntled, grubby sort of
comments in there, or good like I don't care, they
(27:03):
don't have to be aired. But for the most part
they're really good. And then when people facebook or text messages,
it's more open and honest of nice things. Because I
just say this, this is the thing, and I got
one the other day and I read it to you
from a friend of ours. So I took this guy,
John Tannik to Kakoto. He's a great bloke and his
dad thought over there and one of his daughters, I
(27:26):
think it was Lea, messaged me yeah, and I'll read
this because you know Lea my mind. She said, I've
been listening to Mayhem Monday. The episode on divorce stopped
me in my tracks. It was raw, honest, and to
be honest, the most relatable content I've heard. I tend
to avoid podcasts on this topic as I've been there,
done that, and got the battle scars and don't want
to look back too much. Till Death do Us Part
has never sat well with me when people query this.
(27:47):
Millie's answer to this is exactly what I've always thought.
At what costs? I guess the clue is in the
title until death do Us Part? The cost is the
death of someone's values, mental state, physical state, and overall
psychological well being. No, thank you, I'll also ad met
On Monday, I went looking for yours and Millie's podcast
as I've enjoyed the previous ones, but the last one
did blow me away. And then she said, I've always
enjoyed your podcast claim, but with Millie's input involvement for me,
(28:08):
it's even better. Oh thank you so, and that's just
one episode like massive thank you to Leo, who I'm
sure will be listening or watching this. We value these
feedbacks because when you get some negatives, you can lock
down on that, but we get so many more positives,
so many more people that were on that topic. Though.
Speaker 1 (28:29):
Of feedback and the divorce episode, there were a few
because I put an ngie you were on Kokoda and
I put a few. I put an engier link up
on give me your thoughts on the divorce podcast, and
I got a couple. First of all, thank you for
sharing their oat. Second of all, their loyalty goes both ways. Absolutely,
(28:54):
someone I can't believe people ask you these questions. Honestly,
good view for staying so calm?
Speaker 2 (29:00):
Can I just pause that the reason we stay so
calm is that we are pretty emotionally stable in we
have emotions like everyone else, and I'm sure somethings you're
really think and it's like a bit triggering if someone
has a hard.
Speaker 1 (29:11):
Day, yeah, because it make me feel anything.
Speaker 2 (29:17):
But we just say can't because hey, this is a
public podcast. If you want to have a question opinion.
We're not experts in anything, but we've got we've got
life experience, we'd love to share with people just to
make life better. And if someone like Leah, and I'm
sure there's lots people out there that have been through
divorces and stuff, and particularly from the women's side, where
it can be a bit more frowned upon still in
today's society to say, hey, like, I'm a human and
(29:38):
I've got a voice and I've got a feeling about this.
Speaker 1 (29:40):
You know, there was also this question, would you have
given him another chance if Glenn wasn't around. Absolutely not.
I will not go back on somebody blatantly lying to
my face many many times about small things and big things.
That's just honesty and transparency is a massive thing for me.
And when it gets to a line where I need
to cut it, I will cut it and I will
not look back. And you can't make me feel bad
(30:03):
about that.
Speaker 2 (30:05):
But you also have to That comes down to a
level of self respect. And you always said I'd prefer
to be on my own, and I certainly reached that
stage before I met you, where I was adamant that
this is my life now to be on my own,
and i'd settled on that, I was okay with it.
You've got to be okay, with the potential of being
on your own. I remember years ago one of my
best mates daughter, I was like fourteen or fifteen, and
(30:26):
I had split up with some boy and it was
like the worst thing in the world, and now now
I'm going to be a loser. And two weeks la
as you're seeing someone else, and you go, you don't
have to be with someone because and I understand at
that age at s cool, there's probably prescious, but I
know people in their thirties doing that. They feel like
if you're on your own, you must be unlovable. That's
not true at all. But love starts with having the
capacity to love yourself. And one of my best mates,
(30:48):
Michael said to us recently we were talking to him
about a business thing and I think you went into boxing,
and we talked about how many people have helped, which
was last week's podcast, and certain athletes I'd work with,
and he said, I've watched you do this, and he said,
and part of my belief is that maybe you haven't
learned to love yourself. My thought, it's an interesting perspective
because if you're not having learned fully to love yourself,
(31:10):
maybe you're seeking that validation through helping other people. Oh,
you're the guy that's helped me. Thank you so much.
My own parents couldn't do that, and I've had that
feedback from athletes. My parents don't do this. This this
I've had I've had athletes stuck overseas. His parents couldn't
stump up thrownder bucks to help them, so they ring
me right, And so then I'd liked being that savior.
Maybe that was sort of Michael's perspective, so I'm open
(31:32):
to that idea. They learned to love yourself.
Speaker 1 (31:36):
The last one here relating to the divorce episode, which
I did say that I was going to answer it
on my stories and like, just life happened, and I forgot,
so I'll just do it now. But it said because
we mentioned something physical that happened. Yes, so the aggression
was what was the physical thing that happened. I actually
don't want to answer that, only because it did go
down a very short legal route and essentially it's my
(31:59):
word against his, his word against mine, and so there's
no point in talking about it.
Speaker 2 (32:04):
Were claims, DV claims made and all that st of stuff,
and you know, some of the result of that I'm
not happy with but we can't control. So again, we
either allow that to.
Speaker 1 (32:19):
He's getting it. He's getting it, guys.
Speaker 2 (32:23):
I was trapped. We either allowed that to be our
problem for the for the next five or ten years
and be annoyed.
Speaker 1 (32:28):
Oh, we just choose to not feel annoyed and just
to move on. And you know, yeah, so I will
say that I got my divorce finalized. So and I
met with him down at the courthouse to do that. That
was good, got a JP to sign it. We had
a really good conversation around how the kids are, how
his kids are, how my kids are. You know, there
(32:49):
wasn't any anger or animosity. It was just what it was.
Move on. I gave him back his engagement ring.
Speaker 2 (32:58):
That was the way it was the way.
Speaker 1 (33:00):
Coda coda.
Speaker 2 (33:01):
Yeah, that was away on Coakoda. And in one day
you had caught up with your ex and then another
ex rang her from like when she was a kid.
Almost yeah, nineteen twenty.
Speaker 1 (33:14):
He just popped up, I'm driving and then he's like,
he's got the same number for you for years, and
it's just rocked up on my phone and I was like, Hey,
how you doing. And then apparently he had seen me.
Someone had shown him my WBC win on Facebook because
he's real hippie and he doesn't have any of that stuff.
He never has. He's funny.
Speaker 2 (33:37):
She likes the hippie types.
Speaker 1 (33:38):
He just said, one of my friends showed me that
you were doing really well in boxing, and I just
wanted to say congratulations and all of that. And he
gave me his full address, and he's like, if you
were if you guys are over down this way, come
and say hey.
Speaker 2 (33:53):
And I'll be honest, I could kind of made me
feel a little way initially like that you were caught
up two ex's and because you're pretty cool like that,
you're like whatever, like it is what it is. As
a man, you still got a it's just a little
piece of like, oh, you know, and I'm not home,
but whatever it's. And then very quickly you just get
over yourself. And you have taught me that. So I'm
(34:13):
going to concede a little bit of ground on this
feeling thing because you've taught me to process those feelings
a lot differently than and I think a lot of
men are in this boat unfortunately that if a male
is involved, and we talked about these weeks ago, but
with your partners can make you feel a certain way,
and I probably you don't process or learn to change
(34:36):
your thoughts or behaviors around that because you'd never challenged to,
but you were very well, you'd even challenge me to.
You just were very calmly asking me saying, well, why
would that be a thing unless I don't trust you
don't trust me, which is that's true, and so yeah,
we're just I'm glad you did it, to be honest,
and I'm glad it was really calm. And I think
it's a nice way for that to end, because when
(34:58):
relationships end, even if there's some physical or there's all
the other things. I don't think inherently people are bad people.
I just think we're just not meshed sometimes and when
we're out of alignment in various and stuff. Because I'm
adamant believer that most of the people that I've dated
with the bad people. But as I'm an older I think, well,
it's pretty rough, like they just weren't for me, and
(35:20):
so you know, I can see how people think I'm
not a good person.
Speaker 1 (35:24):
Me tue, there's people in my old life that could
look at me and go oh, and at the time
there are certain choices that I made that weren't necessarily
good and didn't really serve other people. And so you know,
you can you have every right to paint me in
that light because that was your experience of me.
Speaker 2 (35:43):
So I've said to Mellie in the early days, I
wish I'd met you sooner, and you said to me, now,
you wouldn't have liked that version of me.
Speaker 1 (35:51):
It was a very different version of me. I always
was who I am to my core, but I just
made certain choices that weren't the right choice based on
that time of my life.
Speaker 2 (36:02):
But based on again the education, the experience. It's the
light where the road life took you on. If all
that was presented to your same you'd probably make the
same decision, right. It's only when we know better we
do better. So and it's the same for all of us.
We've all got little dark patches of our lives that
we're not proud of or that that would hate to
get judged on. And that's what this is a segue
(36:23):
with the sadness for young people today is so much
more of their lives can be judged because it's so
out there in public. Whereas for us, I guess we're
the last You're probably the last generation didn't grow up
with that stuff came in a little bit later. Our
kids have got it from such a young age that
you've got to deal with all of that. But that
just adds layers of complexity. So I've enjoyed this episode
(36:46):
and we'll see where the next one goes. Thank you
for the people that do send feedback through We really,
honestly we do appreciate it. We don't take it personally.
We know that people have got opinions of us. We
say we don't judge people. We all naturally run people
through a filter when we see them. But when I
look at really harsh judgment of us, I would process
(37:08):
that as you don't really know us, that's all. And
that's that's neither here nor there as a negative, because
I know we're good people, and I know there's been
a lot of tears over last week's episode, and for
you and for me, we've we've really hammered ourselves over
how that happened and why that happened, and wanting to
help people and all of that sort of thing. And
that's just because we care, and you know, we might
(37:30):
come across tath but we care and that's why we
help people. And so now we've just learned to say, oh,
that's a part of the process, you know. So that's
us another episode of Mayhem.
Speaker 1 (37:41):
Monday, have a great week ahead.
Speaker 2 (37:43):
We've o put up an NGL and just ask people
what they'd like us to talk about, even yeah, or
even just on our general stories. So follow our stories.
It's just at glans after myself and it's at Millie Mayhem.
You change it recently to mill so yeah, and now
linked to your Facebook and whatnot. So if people ask
us questions, Instagram is the best way really because it's
as quick thanks to skies
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