December 10, 2024 • 32 mins
Can a woman really grow a baby without knowing she is pregnant? The answer is YES, as supermum Erin Carty proves!
Erin’s story is one of bravery- as she details coming to terms with being an instant mum. You’ll hear about her husband’s heroic actions, their family’s shock and the incredible way Erin grew to bond with her bub.
Diary Of A Birth features mums telling their miraculous stories of bringing life into the world, and we have all medical questions and concerns cleared up by Australia’s favourite paediatrician, Dr Golly.
If you’d like to share your birth story, we’d love to hear from you at podcast@mamamia.com.au or send us a voice note here.
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CREDITS:
Host: Ksenija Lukich
Expert: Dr Golly
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:21):
You're listening to a Mama Mia podcast. Mamma Mia acknowledges
the traditional owners of land and waters that this podcast
is recorded on. We pay our respects to elders past,
present and emerging, and feel privileged to continue the sharing
of birth stories and knowledge that has been a fundamental
part of Indigenous culture. I'm Cassnia Lukitch. Welcome to Diary
(00:47):
of a Birth. Today we're asking how can a woman
give birth without knowing she's pregnant. We've all read the
stories in real life magazines, but does it actually happen?
Can a woman really go through nine months of growing
a human without the slightest inkling about what's going on
inside her body? The answer is yes, and today's amazing
(01:08):
guest is living proof because Aaron had no idea she
was pregnant until moments before she gave birth on her
bathroom floor.
Speaker 2 (01:17):
It was just a weird battle in my mind of
am I giving birth to something right now? Or what's
actually happening?
Speaker 1 (01:26):
Giving Erin and her partner the biggest shock of their lives.
Speaker 2 (01:30):
He was said, just need you know an ambulance? My
girlfriend has had a baby and at home. And the
guy was like, oh, so how many weeks was She
then said, we didn't didn't know, we didn't know she
was pregnant, and everyone else to Dan said to my dad, yeah,
Erin's had a baby. Yeah, my dad almost painted.
Speaker 1 (01:54):
So let's meet the superbum telling today's story.
Speaker 2 (01:58):
Hi, my name is Erin Carty. This is the story
of my birth with Eila.
Speaker 1 (02:06):
Just five years ago. Erin was a young, child free
woman living her best life.
Speaker 2 (02:11):
So my life before Aila, I was a twenty just
turned twenty two year old girl. So I just finished
studying at the time, and I was working in fire
but also I was very active as well, loved going out.
You know, it was my friends still and I'd been
with Dan for two and a half years at that point,
(02:31):
so we'd moved in together eight months before that. So
it was pretty, i'd say, like a pretty normal twenty
two year old girl at that point in time.
Speaker 1 (02:40):
Aaron and Dan had had those big life conversations and
Aaron was pretty set in what she wanted.
Speaker 2 (02:46):
We had talked about having kids. I was not for that.
I didn't really want to have children, definitely. I guess,
you know, any twenty two year old would probably say that,
but at that point in time, I didn't want to
have kids, and Dan, you know, being a little bit
older than me, he was, Oh, that would be you know,
whatever you want to do. I would like to have
(03:07):
kids at one stage in my life, but if it's
not now, that's fine. So I was like, yeah, cool.
So I was just happy not to have children.
Speaker 1 (03:14):
At this time, Aaron had very irregular periods, only about
once a year, not interested in falling pregnant at this time,
this didn't worry her.
Speaker 2 (03:22):
I think I got my first period when I was eighteen.
It just was super hard for me to track, well,
it's impossible for me to track my cycle. When I
did get my period, it would be super, super painful
in the leader. So sometimes it could be over a
week and then other times it would be for like
one or two days. So it was just one of
(03:44):
those things that I kind of just learned to deal with.
And you know, being young as well, I didn't have
as much of an emphasis I guess on my menstrual
health as what I would do now. Yeah, back then,
I was just like, oh, this is great.
Speaker 1 (03:56):
Throughout her pregnancy, Aaron continued to work as a model,
fitting into the size eight garments she always had people
since have constantly asked her, didn't you have a big stomach. Well,
what's extra incredible about Aaron's story is that she didn't
like not at all.
Speaker 2 (04:14):
So I was, yeah, still modeling at the time, and
you know, I was mainly a size eight x size
ten depends, but I'm I'm over six foot, so I'm
quite tall. And I was just someone that would also
judge my body and how it changed by my clothes
that I wear. So yeah, everything still fit me. I
(04:35):
remember later on towards obviously the nine months, I remember thinking, oh, like,
this shirt feels a little bit tighter on the back,
but I was like, oh, well, it's fine, not just
go back to the like do more at the gym.
And I was also into my pilates. I'm now plarate's
instructor as well, but I did a lot of pilates.
I wouldn't recommend to pregnant people now, Like I'd be
(04:57):
squatting weights, yeah, bit of cardio, just probably four days
a week, and then i'd be pilates and then walks and.
Speaker 1 (05:06):
Yeah, okay, So what happened on the most surprising day
of Erin's life.
Speaker 2 (05:11):
I remember waking up with some migraines and some pains,
and I just put it down to you, Oh, you know,
it must be the one time of year that I'm
actually getting period, and so I was like, oh, usually
when that happens, it's pretty intense pain. So I was like, oh,
that's all right, and also not uncommon for me to
have migraines either, So I was like having a bad night.
Obviously thinking about it or knowing about it now is
(05:33):
obviously the start of my contractions, but I didn't think
anything of it. I was supposed to work the next
day when I woke up, but I was feeling pretty
rubbish at that point, so I remember getting my uniform
on and then sitting at the end of the bed
being like, oh, I actually can't work today. Like I'm
just going through waves of, like you know, feeling okay
and then feeling absolutely terrible. So I didn't go to work,
(05:55):
thank goodness, but I just stayed at home. Dan was
at work that day, so I just stayed at home.
Funny enough, I was in and out of the shower
because it pain was in my back, and I just
remember thinking, oh, I reckon, this might be my appendix
because it was just moving kind of from one side
to the other, and I wasn't really doing much and
(06:18):
I just was like, I'll just have some neuropin and
that'll make it feel better.
Speaker 1 (06:21):
And yeah, I'm fascinated to know what sort of pain
it was.
Speaker 2 (06:27):
So the pain was a version of a period pain
is in like the intense cramping down there, but then
also times ten. So I was like, oh, this doesn't
feel super normal. Like I wasn't very I wasn't naive
to the fact that, oh, this is actually probably not right,
(06:48):
but I generally was like it must be my appendix
because it definitely was coming from my back. It was
like kind of moving from there, and from what I've
heard of appendix, you know, ruptures, it does feel like
it's in your back. So I was just would jump
in the shower because that was the only thing that
was kind of relieving that pain, or that just giving
(07:09):
me a slight bit of relief. And then I was like, oh,
I don't know if I'm even right to drive right now,
because it was just coming in and out of like
waves of be fine. And then so I was just
waiting for Dan to get home from work because I
was when you get home, if it's no better, I
need you to take me to the hospital. So I
think this at this point, you know, it was mid
(07:30):
afternoon and Dan wasn't home to like six m or something,
so yeah, I was kind of just waiting it out
and in the shower, on the couch, just kind of
walking around.
Speaker 1 (07:40):
So by this stage, Aaron was starting to wonder, is it.
It couldn't be.
Speaker 2 (07:46):
I just didn't know what else it could be, Like
obviously could be a multitude of things, but I just
didn't think at that point in time of anything else
it could be. So eventually Dan got home and I'd
been messaging him that day and he brought me more neurofan,
more paned or it was just getting worse and worse.
So then at this point I think he got home,
(08:07):
it was around six thirty seven, and I was like, oh,
I'm just gonna, you know, go back in the bathroom
and I'll just have like one was shower of see
how I'm feeling, and then go from there. And then
I remember I was in there a while, and then
I remember it happening so quickly, like the point where
(08:28):
you just need to essentially push, and I just remember
thinking in my mind, I was like m I don't
really know how this is happening, but I like there's
no other explanation that it was just weird battle in
my mind of am I giving birth to something right
now or like what's actually happening? Like, but I was
(08:50):
in so much pain that I actually like I couldn't
yell out to Dan, like I was like, I just
need to have this child. So I remember being in
the bathroom and then like on the floor or whatever
and just gave birth there. And then I remember just
screaming out to Dan, and I just I couldn't just
(09:10):
hear like he was watching a TV show and I
can just hear like a subtle TV show noise in
the background, and that kind of plays in my mind
as well all the time. I just always hear whatever
he was watching. Yeah, so I gave birth and there
was a baby there coming up. So I remember I
just waking up like twelve fifteen out whatever hours later
(09:33):
in the morning, being like I just was hoping that
was a dream and I was like, that couldn't have happened.
I just froze, like I was like, once I called
out to Dan and Dan ran in, I just remember
(09:53):
him sliding the door open, and he was just he
stood there for half a second and he's like like
it was just like, oh my god. I don't think
I've ever seen him turn that pale before. Or he
was just like, what's happened in here? I don't know
it's flight or flight response. I guess like he just
was like, well, I've got to do something right now.
(10:14):
Like it also didn't look like the most amazing scene
in there. I had, unfortunately like him in birth and
it was chaos and I couldn't really get up off
the floor and I wasn't breathing at that point either,
so she was not really Yeah. So Dan just picked
up the phone. He called Triple zero straight away, and
(10:36):
the guy on the other end of the line he
was talking Dan through how to bring her back to life.
So he was amazing, and Dan was amazing, and I
wouldn't like I was hopeless at that point in time,
like I didn't know what to do. So Dan, with
the help of the Triple zero operator, brought I go
back to life. She started breathing.
Speaker 1 (10:56):
And what did Dan say to the Triple zero operator?
Speaker 2 (11:00):
He said, just need you know an ambulance. My girlfriend
has had a baby at home. And the guy was like, oh, so,
how many weeks was she? Dan said, we didn't we
didn't know. We didn't know she was pregnant. And the
guy was like, so there was a surprise. You had
no idea, and he'd dance like, no, I didn't even
like we didn't know she was pregnant. And he said,
(11:21):
is it a boy or a girl and dancing? I
don't know, I don't know, like he said she was
a boy, because like she didn't. He was so flustered.
He's like, it's a boy, I think. And he's like, oh,
she's not breathing, like she's blue, Like she's not breathing.
And the guy's like, all right, like you know, grab
a towel, like put her in a towel, rub her chess,
(11:42):
you know, put her in this position. And then eventually
you just hear this little noise. It was amazing, and
what was this miracle little baby? Like she was she
was full term, She wasn't premature or anything. And I
(12:05):
always forget how much she weighed, but she was a
healthy baby. She was a big baby. Everything just nuts
and she was she had a little bit of gastric
reflux or like had a bit of acid built up
in her lungs, but aside from that, she was completely fine.
They had her own special care nursery for like a
little bit, but she was ready to go before I was,
(12:26):
like I was, she was like, yep, cool.
Speaker 1 (12:29):
What Aaron had gone through was incredibly traumatic, not just
physically but emotionally and mentally too.
Speaker 2 (12:36):
I think it took me three days to actually go
down there to see her because I was like, oh,
I don't want to not ready, and yeah, but it's
just obviously the resilience of children and babies are amazing.
But yeah, I just remember thinking, oh my goodness, Like
we were in Bali like a month before, and obviously
(12:56):
I was drinking and need to start to think about
all these things that you you shouldn't be doing, and
I was like, oh, no, like but you know, we
were very very fortunate obviously that she was okay and
everything was fine. But yeah, absolutely crazy but yeah, so yeah,
it was in hospital for about a week and a bit.
(13:19):
It all just happened so quickly. We got to the
hospital and I had to go straight in for surgery
because I didn't give birth to the placenta, so I
had to go get that taken out, and then unfortunately
when they were trying to take it out manually before surgery,
had another hemorrhage. So I had to go in there
and have surgery. And so I remember just waking up
like twelve fifteen out whatever hours later in the morning.
(13:42):
I just was hoping that was a dream. And I
was like, that couldn't have happened. I don't know what's happening.
Speaker 1 (13:47):
And I can't help but put myself in the shoes
of Erin's family. How did they find out?
Speaker 2 (13:52):
And my poor parents getting a call, you know, they
just thought I heard myself. They didn't actually know. They
just came to the emergency and was like, oh, well
that like congratulations your grandparents and my parents were just like,
what is happening? Yeah. I had spoken to my mum
that day and I said, oh, I'm not going to
work today. I just don't feel you know, the best,
(14:14):
and she was like, okay, like just let me know
who you are. But I'm quite close with my family,
so I I hadn't spoken to them pretty much the
whole day. You know, when you're just really irritable, you
don't really want to look at a phone, you don't
want to you're just concentrating on what's happening. So I
was just like not on my phone when I could
tolerate it. I think I had friends on or something.
(14:34):
So I was watching a bit of friends and I
just actually hadn't spoken to them for the whole day
and like into the evening, and so I think, you know,
my parents, my mom my mum be like I think
that's weird, like whatever. But Dan, when we were going
to hospital, he called his parents and was like, we're
going to hospital. Aaron's had a baby, and you need
(14:57):
to tell Aaron's parents to get to the hospital. But
Dan's parents had misheard what he said, and they just
thought that I had hurt myself and they need to
get to the hospital. So they've called my parents and
this is like new now, like eight o'clock at night
or something like you need to get to the hospital.
Aaron's hurt herself, blah blah. So they make their way
(15:20):
down to hospital, and at that point, I feel so
bad because it's my brother's you know, VC exams the
next day, and they're like, we're going to go to hospital.
Are in sotos help? So I remember, I think what
was happening was Yeah. They got to the hospital and
my dance parents were there, and Dan walked out and
was like, oh, they're both fine. And dad was like,
(15:41):
what do you mean both of them? What are you
talking about? And Dan goes, oh, Aaron's had a baby,
And then I think my dad almost fainted. He's are
we talking about?
Speaker 3 (15:52):
Know?
Speaker 2 (15:53):
Like what? And then I just remember, yeah, them coming
into the room just before I went into surgery, and
they were bothed. No one really knew what to say.
Everyone was to say on earth, and I think that
both of the mums were secretly a little bit like, oh,
that's a bit exciting, but my dad was My dad.
Speaker 1 (16:12):
Was like, ah, Aaron's time in hospital was an ordeal.
Remember she'd come with no consciously carefully packed hospital bag
or detailed birth plan in mind, so that was.
Speaker 2 (16:26):
A whole nother thing in itself, being in the hospital.
So I hadn't planned. Thankfully, I had my own room,
which was nice, and credit to the nurses, like all
of the nurses are amazing and it was so attentive.
But being in the hospital was It's just very intense
because it was people coming in, you know, every ten minutes,
(16:48):
and rightly so, but I had the new psychologists in there.
I had the asking me, you know, you have options,
like if you thought about do you want a baby?
Do you want like it was adoption was thrown up
there psychologists. I had all the nurses coming in asking
me all these questions and being like, oh, have you
thought about how are you going to feed? And I
was like I haven't, No, not really. I really had
(17:10):
a hard time with feeding because I just I couldn't
wrap my head around breastfeeding. I just I hadn't even
I did try, and I remember getting super emotional about it.
And it's a funny thing. I remember every time I
try and breastfeed, I'd immediately feel sad. It was just
a weird thing my body. It was just a whole thing.
So I remember they were bringing pump machines and they
(17:33):
were like, oh, you know, go to the kitchen and
make formula, and I was like, I don't know how
to do that, and like what's the right amount of
It's just it was a lot. And Dan wasn't allowed
to stay either, so it was because we were in
the public hospital. So I remember at nighttime, it was
you know, you could hear all the babies and Luckily
they would ilerve for a lot of the time was
(17:55):
you know, getting taken care of down there, so I
would have the nesses coming in with the pump machine,
you know, every so hour, so I can try and
you know, get the milk going and whatnot. But I
could always get like the tiniest bit, but I was
never the milk just wasn't really happening for me. And
I feel like I was probably yeah, I was definitely
(18:16):
not in the right headspace to even allow it to
come in. I know it was. Yeah, So struggled with
that for sure.
Speaker 1 (18:24):
It took time for Aaron to process what had happened.
On day three, she knew it was time.
Speaker 2 (18:31):
Dan had been there. He'd been there every day since
we're in there. He was always in there, he you know,
every day. Was like, do you think you're ready? You
like said, oh, no, I don't know. And my parents
had been down there. Dan's parents had been down there,
and it was kind of nice because it was very
no one was forceful either, which was great. And also
(18:51):
they would all take photos and then you know that
Jomie photos of what she looks like, and I was
just like, I just can't comprehend that that's my child.
It was just a really bizarre thing, and I was like,
it's just I just can't wrap my head around it.
But yeah, I think it was a third day. And
then it's like show me a photos, like do you reckon?
You want to come down? And she like all the
(19:13):
nurses like they want to meet you and be talking
about you, like the nurses down there and like she's
having a bath today, like maybe we should go down
there and like watch the bath her. And I was
like I thought, oh, you know, I made like I've
got to meet her at some stage, and so I
was like, yeah. So I remember walking down there and
kind of the first time I kind of walked around
because I had a cafeterin as well, so it was
(19:34):
just like I was just like, ah, like I don't
want to actually get up and look at myself, but yeah,
so we like trotted down there, and I remember she
was in her like little basket things that they have
biblitical clear ones, and I remember just looking at her
and I was like, oh, this is just so strange.
Like they had like picked her up and I held
it like I was holding her, and I was like,
(19:55):
oh my goodness, like this is just bizarre. But then
I kind of knew. And then seeing Dan with her
too and how much he'd like he's like, oh, look
like look at this, and look like look at her
there and look at that little my little ears and
all this stuff, and he was like, oh, she's so
cute anyway, And then I was like, oh, yeah, she's
she's cute, and they're like, so we we bassed her
then and they were helping us like do you want
(20:16):
to try and you know, change her nappy and because
I'd never changed nappy before, and yeah, they were amazing
down there. So they made me feel a lot better
about it. And I think seeing her for the first
time as well was also gave me a sense of,
I guess, relief a little bit. I don't know. It
also built it up in my head that it was
that I had done some terrible things to her with
(20:38):
like you know, not knowing she was pregnant, so just
seeing her I was like, oh, it's actually a bit
of a relief there too.
Speaker 1 (20:44):
After this, Aaron bonded quickly with her precious surprise package.
Speaker 2 (20:48):
So then after seeing her for that first time, I
went would go down there like a fair bit and
then I think it was the sixth night, they said, oh,
she's actually ready to go up in the room with
you if you like, and she can like be with
you overnight, and like that gave me a lot of stress,
but I was like, yeah, okay, I've got to do
it at some point. So yeah, she went up there,
(21:10):
and I remember the first night was really really tough
because you're in the maternity ward and the nurses like,
I can't be with you all the time, and I
just remember she was crying and overnight and I was
like I don't know what to do, Like I was
just really really that was like a really hard night.
But following that, I think doing things together helped Dan
(21:35):
and I made sure he was amazing and making sure
that you know, I was supported as well as Ilob
was as well. So I think doing things together and
also I had a lot of support at the time too,
so I never felt isolated or I never felt I
was by myself in there. So that kind of relieved
that side of things for me, and I could kind
(21:57):
of focus on trying to build a relationship with her.
And I think, yeah, that initial shock war off were
not still in shock, but that initial shock war off
within being in the hospital, and then I just kind
of wanted to be in my own environment to feel
somewhat normal and then continue to navigate being a mum
(22:22):
and also trying to build that relationship with her. But
every day we got a little bit easier and I
was like, ah, I have so much love for this
little baby that it's just yeah. So that happened pretty
soon after we left the hospital.
Speaker 3 (22:38):
For sure, coming up they do happen. I wouldn't say
that they're common. I work in this space and I've
seen one.
Speaker 1 (22:54):
The idea of coming home from the hospital can be
pretty terrifying for first time parents, and that's those who
fully set up their nursery and had nine months to
get used to the idea. So what was ELA's homecoming
like for Aaron and Dan?
Speaker 2 (23:09):
So we were living in two bedroom house, thank goodness.
So we had a spare room that was actually my
reformer room, so I had to ditch the reformer, but
obviously nothing. The closest thing we were to parents is
our black lab so he was that's the closest thing
we got to So once we're in hospital, our parents
(23:29):
and friends were amazing. They just they literally just got
it like they got I didn't have to think about anything.
They got everything and then just transformed that whole room
into a nursery essentially, but like everything that we needed.
Some friends you know, had who had babies, like gave
us their capsules and prams and all sorts of things,
(23:49):
and so that was a relief. I had. You know,
one of my best friends, she's early childcare teachers. She
had me like gave me nappies and elder things that
I just wouldn't think of, Like she just had stopped
up the whole cupboard. So yeah, we we got her
home and yeah that was all set up, which was
which was great, And it was the help and support
(24:12):
of everyone else that allowed us to do that, Otherwise
it would have been a lot different.
Speaker 1 (24:17):
We've spoken before on this podcast about how tough mum
can find it in the fourth trimester, how we can
sometimes focus so much on the birth we forget to
think about those challenging few months at home. I remember
what a wild, confusing, fuzzy time this was. So how
was it for Aaron? What did she actually know about
(24:37):
the realities of babies when she took Ailer back home.
Speaker 2 (24:40):
I already knew, like just from everyone else who i'd
lad heard. I was like, oh, lesleeps, you're not going
to get it. It's going to be all over the shop.
So I was kind of already thinking about that. I
think it was just navigating actually being by myself with
a baby. I think was the hardest part for me,
(25:02):
just because I had come from being in the hospital
and I hadn't applied for you know, maternity leave, or
Dan hadn't applied the paternity leave. So he did his
best that he could and got work off for like
two weeks or something, but he had to go back
and I just had come from being around you know,
Dan and my Errents were popping in all the time
to I think the first time he had to go
(25:23):
back to work, and I just remember being like, I
just I can't do this. I don't know how I'm
gonna be by myself eight hours with a baby. So
that was definitely, I remember the hardest. One of the
hardest parts is trying to be like, Okay, I need
to look after this small human by myself and yeah.
(25:45):
So I think that was definitely just the managing your emotions,
I think, because I always thought I was pretty good
at that, but it was also a whole new ball
game after giving birth and being a mum and also
caring fears someone else, not just yourself.
Speaker 1 (26:01):
So what would Aaron say to anyone else who had
a surprise baby like hers.
Speaker 2 (26:05):
Don't be afraid to ask for help if you need it,
and if you're needing a break, like voice out as well.
I got in my own head a little bit being
like I didn't have warning, so everyone else didn't have warning,
like they didn't sign up to, you know, come and
help me as well. Like I just felt bad to
even message you know, my friend's or Dan's mom or
(26:29):
my mom and be like, can you come over and
help me? I don't know what I'm doing. I think
it is super important to look after yourself as well
as you know your baby. And so I think if
you need help, or you want help, or you need support,
or you just need someone there, I think, don't be
afraid to reach out and ask is super important, not
only for the baby, but your mental health as well.
Speaker 1 (26:51):
Diary of a Birth is focused on giving moms the
chance to tell their stories in their own words, but
medical questions arise, and for that we have the wonderful
services of doctor Gollie, dad of three and one of
Australia's best pediatricians. I had to ask him do these
surprise pregnancies have a name and how common are they?
Speaker 3 (27:11):
They do happen? I wouldn't say that they're common. There
was a study out of South Australia a few years
ago that showed an incidence of about one in roughly
fifteen dean hundred births in Australia. In Germany there was
a similar study. It was close to one in two
thy five hundred, so huge variability, which means we don't
really know how common and uncommon they are, but they
(27:34):
certainly happen. I work in this space and I've seen one.
I've been doing this for decades. I've seen one and
I wasn't even a doctor yet. I was a medical student.
These surprise pregnancies have got different names depending on what
they are. So you know, in this case we call
it an undetected pregnancy. This is where it is a
(27:54):
complete surprise to everyone, especially the mother. In America they
use the term cryptic, which is fascinating.
Speaker 1 (28:03):
Understandably, Aaron was in shock and had to work to
bond with her beautiful daughter eiler, but the feeling of
not immediately feeling a woosh of love is experienced by
many new mums and can lead to guilt and shame
through no faults of their own. Here's doctor go on
what to do if you feel like this.
Speaker 3 (28:23):
Yeah, look, I think it's more common than people think,
and especially when it comes to dads. A lot of
dads feel this pressure to have the same instant bond
that a mum commonly has with their baby. And I
see it, I must be honest. I see it every
single day. You know, you bring a baby straight from
delivery onto mum's chest and Mum you can see it click.
(28:44):
It's like the lights turn on and this bond is instant,
and you can almost see a lifetime of bond. It's beautiful.
And I often look at dads and they don't have it,
and you can see the cogs turning and wondering why
don't I have it? What's wrong with me? It's a
real challenge for a lot of dads. It's also more
(29:04):
common in the setting of a maternal health concern. So
if mum, for example, had a postpartum hemorrhy to bleed
after birth or had to be put under general that
aesthetic had to be returned to theater, or even if
the baby has a condition you have, the baby's whisked
away or born premature, or that immediate spark can be threatened.
My advice to couples when they don't feel it, whether
(29:27):
it's mum, dad, even sibling, just maintain that presence. You know.
A bond is something that is lovely when it happens instantly,
but it does happen, albeit later every time. It's something
that builds over time. It's not always instant. And I
think if you put pressure on yourself as a parent,
(29:47):
as a new parent, especially to have that instant connection,
it doesn't happen all the time. And that's also safe,
and that's fine, and it's normal and it's common, and
it doesn't mean that you've done anything wrong or it
doesn't mean you're a bad parent. I hear all of
these catastrophizing comments. It's absolutely not the case. And I
(30:08):
promise you if you just be with that baby and
have skin to skin time, kangaroo care, feed them, bath them,
change them them, and just spend time, that bond is
built like a breach and it will happen eventually and I'm.
Speaker 1 (30:28):
So keen to hear Erin's advice to all new mums
after the incredible experience she went through.
Speaker 2 (30:34):
I remember one of the midwives came over to me
and did one of their visits when we were settling
into the house, and one thing that always stood out
to me was she said, a baby has never died
from crying. So if they're crying and you need a minute, like,
go take a minute. They're going to be crying regardless,
(30:55):
so like, just just take it time, as much time
as you need, and then come back because maybe maybe
they don't but the baby obviously might feed off like
what you're giving out your energy. So I feel like,
if you just try and take that time, come back,
And that kind of always stood out with me. But
also I think, just enjoy that time. I know it's
(31:19):
like hard, and you know this sleeps horrible, or you
know they might not be feeding well or they might
not be settled or whatever it is. But I think,
just try and enjoy that time because it actually does
go super fast, It really does. And I know everyone
always says that, but I just remember, you know, sitting
on the couch and you know they're asleep and you're
watching a nice show and he's like, Oh, it's just
(31:40):
they're just so small and it's just really special time.
So I think, yeah, just taking that step back for sure.
Speaker 1 (31:51):
Thank you for joining us on Diary of a Birth,
where we celebrate all the amazing ways that we as
women bring life into the world. Join me next week
as we hear the amazing birth story of mom and
me as very own Clare Stevens. If you'd like to
share your birth story with us, we'd love to hear
from you. Find out how in our show notes. Diary
(32:11):
of a Birth was hosted by me Kasenya Lukicch, with
expert input from Doctor Golly, Audio production by Scott Stronach,
and our executive producer is Georgie page On
You're listening to a Mama Mia podcast. Mamma Mia acknowledges
the traditional owners of land and waters that this podcast
is recorded on. We pay our respects to elders past,
present and emerging, and feel privileged to continue the sharing
of birth stories and knowledge that has been a fundamental
part of Indigenous culture. I'm Cassnia Lukitch. Welcome to Diary
(00:47):
of a Birth. Today we're asking how can a woman
give birth without knowing she's pregnant. We've all read the
stories in real life magazines, but does it actually happen?
Can a woman really go through nine months of growing
a human without the slightest inkling about what's going on
inside her body? The answer is yes, and today's amazing
(01:08):
guest is living proof because Aaron had no idea she
was pregnant until moments before she gave birth on her
bathroom floor.
Speaker 2 (01:17):
It was just a weird battle in my mind of
am I giving birth to something right now? Or what's
actually happening?
Speaker 1 (01:26):
Giving Erin and her partner the biggest shock of their lives.
Speaker 2 (01:30):
He was said, just need you know an ambulance? My
girlfriend has had a baby and at home. And the
guy was like, oh, so how many weeks was She
then said, we didn't didn't know, we didn't know she
was pregnant, and everyone else to Dan said to my dad, yeah,
Erin's had a baby. Yeah, my dad almost painted.
Speaker 1 (01:54):
So let's meet the superbum telling today's story.
Speaker 2 (01:58):
Hi, my name is Erin Carty. This is the story
of my birth with Eila.
Speaker 1 (02:06):
Just five years ago. Erin was a young, child free
woman living her best life.
Speaker 2 (02:11):
So my life before Aila, I was a twenty just
turned twenty two year old girl. So I just finished
studying at the time, and I was working in fire
but also I was very active as well, loved going out.
You know, it was my friends still and I'd been
with Dan for two and a half years at that point,
(02:31):
so we'd moved in together eight months before that. So
it was pretty, i'd say, like a pretty normal twenty
two year old girl at that point in time.
Speaker 1 (02:40):
Aaron and Dan had had those big life conversations and
Aaron was pretty set in what she wanted.
Speaker 2 (02:46):
We had talked about having kids. I was not for that.
I didn't really want to have children, definitely. I guess,
you know, any twenty two year old would probably say that,
but at that point in time, I didn't want to
have kids, and Dan, you know, being a little bit
older than me, he was, Oh, that would be you know,
whatever you want to do. I would like to have
(03:07):
kids at one stage in my life, but if it's
not now, that's fine. So I was like, yeah, cool.
So I was just happy not to have children.
Speaker 1 (03:14):
At this time, Aaron had very irregular periods, only about
once a year, not interested in falling pregnant at this time,
this didn't worry her.
Speaker 2 (03:22):
I think I got my first period when I was eighteen.
It just was super hard for me to track, well,
it's impossible for me to track my cycle. When I
did get my period, it would be super, super painful
in the leader. So sometimes it could be over a
week and then other times it would be for like
one or two days. So it was just one of
(03:44):
those things that I kind of just learned to deal with.
And you know, being young as well, I didn't have
as much of an emphasis I guess on my menstrual
health as what I would do now. Yeah, back then,
I was just like, oh, this is great.
Speaker 1 (03:56):
Throughout her pregnancy, Aaron continued to work as a model,
fitting into the size eight garments she always had people
since have constantly asked her, didn't you have a big stomach. Well,
what's extra incredible about Aaron's story is that she didn't
like not at all.
Speaker 2 (04:14):
So I was, yeah, still modeling at the time, and
you know, I was mainly a size eight x size
ten depends, but I'm I'm over six foot, so I'm
quite tall. And I was just someone that would also
judge my body and how it changed by my clothes
that I wear. So yeah, everything still fit me. I
(04:35):
remember later on towards obviously the nine months, I remember thinking, oh, like,
this shirt feels a little bit tighter on the back,
but I was like, oh, well, it's fine, not just
go back to the like do more at the gym.
And I was also into my pilates. I'm now plarate's
instructor as well, but I did a lot of pilates.
I wouldn't recommend to pregnant people now, Like I'd be
(04:57):
squatting weights, yeah, bit of cardio, just probably four days
a week, and then i'd be pilates and then walks and.
Speaker 1 (05:06):
Yeah, okay, So what happened on the most surprising day
of Erin's life.
Speaker 2 (05:11):
I remember waking up with some migraines and some pains,
and I just put it down to you, Oh, you know,
it must be the one time of year that I'm
actually getting period, and so I was like, oh, usually
when that happens, it's pretty intense pain. So I was like, oh,
that's all right, and also not uncommon for me to
have migraines either, So I was like having a bad night.
Obviously thinking about it or knowing about it now is
(05:33):
obviously the start of my contractions, but I didn't think
anything of it. I was supposed to work the next
day when I woke up, but I was feeling pretty
rubbish at that point, so I remember getting my uniform
on and then sitting at the end of the bed
being like, oh, I actually can't work today. Like I'm
just going through waves of, like you know, feeling okay
and then feeling absolutely terrible. So I didn't go to work,
(05:55):
thank goodness, but I just stayed at home. Dan was
at work that day, so I just stayed at home.
Funny enough, I was in and out of the shower
because it pain was in my back, and I just
remember thinking, oh, I reckon, this might be my appendix
because it was just moving kind of from one side
to the other, and I wasn't really doing much and
(06:18):
I just was like, I'll just have some neuropin and
that'll make it feel better.
Speaker 1 (06:21):
And yeah, I'm fascinated to know what sort of pain
it was.
Speaker 2 (06:27):
So the pain was a version of a period pain
is in like the intense cramping down there, but then
also times ten. So I was like, oh, this doesn't
feel super normal. Like I wasn't very I wasn't naive
to the fact that, oh, this is actually probably not right,
(06:48):
but I generally was like it must be my appendix
because it definitely was coming from my back. It was
like kind of moving from there, and from what I've
heard of appendix, you know, ruptures, it does feel like
it's in your back. So I was just would jump
in the shower because that was the only thing that
was kind of relieving that pain, or that just giving
(07:09):
me a slight bit of relief. And then I was like, oh,
I don't know if I'm even right to drive right now,
because it was just coming in and out of like
waves of be fine. And then so I was just
waiting for Dan to get home from work because I
was when you get home, if it's no better, I
need you to take me to the hospital. So I
think this at this point, you know, it was mid
(07:30):
afternoon and Dan wasn't home to like six m or something,
so yeah, I was kind of just waiting it out
and in the shower, on the couch, just kind of
walking around.
Speaker 1 (07:40):
So by this stage, Aaron was starting to wonder, is it.
It couldn't be.
Speaker 2 (07:46):
I just didn't know what else it could be, Like
obviously could be a multitude of things, but I just
didn't think at that point in time of anything else
it could be. So eventually Dan got home and I'd
been messaging him that day and he brought me more neurofan,
more paned or it was just getting worse and worse.
So then at this point I think he got home,
(08:07):
it was around six thirty seven, and I was like, oh,
I'm just gonna, you know, go back in the bathroom
and I'll just have like one was shower of see
how I'm feeling, and then go from there. And then
I remember I was in there a while, and then
I remember it happening so quickly, like the point where
(08:28):
you just need to essentially push, and I just remember
thinking in my mind, I was like m I don't
really know how this is happening, but I like there's
no other explanation that it was just weird battle in
my mind of am I giving birth to something right
now or like what's actually happening? Like, but I was
(08:50):
in so much pain that I actually like I couldn't
yell out to Dan, like I was like, I just
need to have this child. So I remember being in
the bathroom and then like on the floor or whatever
and just gave birth there. And then I remember just
screaming out to Dan, and I just I couldn't just
(09:10):
hear like he was watching a TV show and I
can just hear like a subtle TV show noise in
the background, and that kind of plays in my mind
as well all the time. I just always hear whatever
he was watching. Yeah, so I gave birth and there
was a baby there coming up. So I remember I
just waking up like twelve fifteen out whatever hours later
(09:33):
in the morning, being like I just was hoping that
was a dream and I was like, that couldn't have happened.
I just froze, like I was like, once I called
out to Dan and Dan ran in, I just remember
(09:53):
him sliding the door open, and he was just he
stood there for half a second and he's like like
it was just like, oh my god. I don't think
I've ever seen him turn that pale before. Or he
was just like, what's happened in here? I don't know
it's flight or flight response. I guess like he just
was like, well, I've got to do something right now.
(10:14):
Like it also didn't look like the most amazing scene
in there. I had, unfortunately like him in birth and
it was chaos and I couldn't really get up off
the floor and I wasn't breathing at that point either,
so she was not really Yeah. So Dan just picked
up the phone. He called Triple zero straight away, and
(10:36):
the guy on the other end of the line he
was talking Dan through how to bring her back to life.
So he was amazing, and Dan was amazing, and I
wouldn't like I was hopeless at that point in time,
like I didn't know what to do. So Dan, with
the help of the Triple zero operator, brought I go
back to life. She started breathing.
Speaker 1 (10:56):
And what did Dan say to the Triple zero operator?
Speaker 2 (11:00):
He said, just need you know an ambulance. My girlfriend
has had a baby at home. And the guy was like, oh, so,
how many weeks was she? Dan said, we didn't we
didn't know. We didn't know she was pregnant. And the
guy was like, so there was a surprise. You had
no idea, and he'd dance like, no, I didn't even
like we didn't know she was pregnant. And he said,
(11:21):
is it a boy or a girl and dancing? I
don't know, I don't know, like he said she was
a boy, because like she didn't. He was so flustered.
He's like, it's a boy, I think. And he's like, oh,
she's not breathing, like she's blue, Like she's not breathing.
And the guy's like, all right, like you know, grab
a towel, like put her in a towel, rub her chess,
(11:42):
you know, put her in this position. And then eventually
you just hear this little noise. It was amazing, and
what was this miracle little baby? Like she was she
was full term, She wasn't premature or anything. And I
(12:05):
always forget how much she weighed, but she was a
healthy baby. She was a big baby. Everything just nuts
and she was she had a little bit of gastric
reflux or like had a bit of acid built up
in her lungs, but aside from that, she was completely fine.
They had her own special care nursery for like a
little bit, but she was ready to go before I was,
(12:26):
like I was, she was like, yep, cool.
Speaker 1 (12:29):
What Aaron had gone through was incredibly traumatic, not just
physically but emotionally and mentally too.
Speaker 2 (12:36):
I think it took me three days to actually go
down there to see her because I was like, oh,
I don't want to not ready, and yeah, but it's
just obviously the resilience of children and babies are amazing.
But yeah, I just remember thinking, oh my goodness, Like
we were in Bali like a month before, and obviously
(12:56):
I was drinking and need to start to think about
all these things that you you shouldn't be doing, and
I was like, oh, no, like but you know, we
were very very fortunate obviously that she was okay and
everything was fine. But yeah, absolutely crazy but yeah, so yeah,
it was in hospital for about a week and a bit.
(13:19):
It all just happened so quickly. We got to the
hospital and I had to go straight in for surgery
because I didn't give birth to the placenta, so I
had to go get that taken out, and then unfortunately
when they were trying to take it out manually before surgery,
had another hemorrhage. So I had to go in there
and have surgery. And so I remember just waking up
like twelve fifteen out whatever hours later in the morning.
(13:42):
I just was hoping that was a dream. And I
was like, that couldn't have happened. I don't know what's happening.
Speaker 1 (13:47):
And I can't help but put myself in the shoes
of Erin's family. How did they find out?
Speaker 2 (13:52):
And my poor parents getting a call, you know, they
just thought I heard myself. They didn't actually know. They
just came to the emergency and was like, oh, well
that like congratulations your grandparents and my parents were just like,
what is happening? Yeah. I had spoken to my mum
that day and I said, oh, I'm not going to
work today. I just don't feel you know, the best,
(14:14):
and she was like, okay, like just let me know
who you are. But I'm quite close with my family,
so I I hadn't spoken to them pretty much the
whole day. You know, when you're just really irritable, you
don't really want to look at a phone, you don't
want to you're just concentrating on what's happening. So I
was just like not on my phone when I could
tolerate it. I think I had friends on or something.
(14:34):
So I was watching a bit of friends and I
just actually hadn't spoken to them for the whole day
and like into the evening, and so I think, you know,
my parents, my mom my mum be like I think
that's weird, like whatever. But Dan, when we were going
to hospital, he called his parents and was like, we're
going to hospital. Aaron's had a baby, and you need
(14:57):
to tell Aaron's parents to get to the hospital. But
Dan's parents had misheard what he said, and they just
thought that I had hurt myself and they need to
get to the hospital. So they've called my parents and
this is like new now, like eight o'clock at night
or something like you need to get to the hospital.
Aaron's hurt herself, blah blah. So they make their way
(15:20):
down to hospital, and at that point, I feel so
bad because it's my brother's you know, VC exams the
next day, and they're like, we're going to go to hospital.
Are in sotos help? So I remember, I think what
was happening was Yeah. They got to the hospital and
my dance parents were there, and Dan walked out and
was like, oh, they're both fine. And dad was like,
(15:41):
what do you mean both of them? What are you
talking about? And Dan goes, oh, Aaron's had a baby,
And then I think my dad almost fainted. He's are
we talking about?
Speaker 3 (15:52):
Know?
Speaker 2 (15:53):
Like what? And then I just remember, yeah, them coming
into the room just before I went into surgery, and
they were bothed. No one really knew what to say.
Everyone was to say on earth, and I think that
both of the mums were secretly a little bit like, oh,
that's a bit exciting, but my dad was My dad.
Speaker 1 (16:12):
Was like, ah, Aaron's time in hospital was an ordeal.
Remember she'd come with no consciously carefully packed hospital bag
or detailed birth plan in mind, so that was.
Speaker 2 (16:26):
A whole nother thing in itself, being in the hospital.
So I hadn't planned. Thankfully, I had my own room,
which was nice, and credit to the nurses, like all
of the nurses are amazing and it was so attentive.
But being in the hospital was It's just very intense
because it was people coming in, you know, every ten minutes,
(16:48):
and rightly so, but I had the new psychologists in there.
I had the asking me, you know, you have options,
like if you thought about do you want a baby?
Do you want like it was adoption was thrown up
there psychologists. I had all the nurses coming in asking
me all these questions and being like, oh, have you
thought about how are you going to feed? And I
was like I haven't, No, not really. I really had
(17:10):
a hard time with feeding because I just I couldn't
wrap my head around breastfeeding. I just I hadn't even
I did try, and I remember getting super emotional about it.
And it's a funny thing. I remember every time I
try and breastfeed, I'd immediately feel sad. It was just
a weird thing my body. It was just a whole thing.
So I remember they were bringing pump machines and they
(17:33):
were like, oh, you know, go to the kitchen and
make formula, and I was like, I don't know how
to do that, and like what's the right amount of
It's just it was a lot. And Dan wasn't allowed
to stay either, so it was because we were in
the public hospital. So I remember at nighttime, it was
you know, you could hear all the babies and Luckily
they would ilerve for a lot of the time was
(17:55):
you know, getting taken care of down there, so I
would have the nesses coming in with the pump machine,
you know, every so hour, so I can try and
you know, get the milk going and whatnot. But I
could always get like the tiniest bit, but I was
never the milk just wasn't really happening for me. And
I feel like I was probably yeah, I was definitely
(18:16):
not in the right headspace to even allow it to
come in. I know it was. Yeah, So struggled with
that for sure.
Speaker 1 (18:24):
It took time for Aaron to process what had happened.
On day three, she knew it was time.
Speaker 2 (18:31):
Dan had been there. He'd been there every day since
we're in there. He was always in there, he you know,
every day. Was like, do you think you're ready? You
like said, oh, no, I don't know. And my parents
had been down there. Dan's parents had been down there,
and it was kind of nice because it was very
no one was forceful either, which was great. And also
(18:51):
they would all take photos and then you know that
Jomie photos of what she looks like, and I was
just like, I just can't comprehend that that's my child.
It was just a really bizarre thing, and I was like,
it's just I just can't wrap my head around it.
But yeah, I think it was a third day. And
then it's like show me a photos, like do you reckon?
You want to come down? And she like all the
(19:13):
nurses like they want to meet you and be talking
about you, like the nurses down there and like she's
having a bath today, like maybe we should go down
there and like watch the bath her. And I was
like I thought, oh, you know, I made like I've
got to meet her at some stage, and so I
was like, yeah. So I remember walking down there and
kind of the first time I kind of walked around
because I had a cafeterin as well, so it was
(19:34):
just like I was just like, ah, like I don't
want to actually get up and look at myself, but yeah,
so we like trotted down there, and I remember she
was in her like little basket things that they have
biblitical clear ones, and I remember just looking at her
and I was like, oh, this is just so strange.
Like they had like picked her up and I held
it like I was holding her, and I was like,
(19:55):
oh my goodness, like this is just bizarre. But then
I kind of knew. And then seeing Dan with her
too and how much he'd like he's like, oh, look
like look at this, and look like look at her
there and look at that little my little ears and
all this stuff, and he was like, oh, she's so
cute anyway, And then I was like, oh, yeah, she's
she's cute, and they're like, so we we bassed her
then and they were helping us like do you want
(20:16):
to try and you know, change her nappy and because
I'd never changed nappy before, and yeah, they were amazing
down there. So they made me feel a lot better
about it. And I think seeing her for the first
time as well was also gave me a sense of,
I guess, relief a little bit. I don't know. It
also built it up in my head that it was
that I had done some terrible things to her with
(20:38):
like you know, not knowing she was pregnant, so just
seeing her I was like, oh, it's actually a bit
of a relief there too.
Speaker 1 (20:44):
After this, Aaron bonded quickly with her precious surprise package.
Speaker 2 (20:48):
So then after seeing her for that first time, I
went would go down there like a fair bit and
then I think it was the sixth night, they said, oh,
she's actually ready to go up in the room with
you if you like, and she can like be with
you overnight, and like that gave me a lot of stress,
but I was like, yeah, okay, I've got to do
it at some point. So yeah, she went up there,
(21:10):
and I remember the first night was really really tough
because you're in the maternity ward and the nurses like,
I can't be with you all the time, and I
just remember she was crying and overnight and I was
like I don't know what to do, Like I was
just really really that was like a really hard night.
But following that, I think doing things together helped Dan
(21:35):
and I made sure he was amazing and making sure
that you know, I was supported as well as Ilob
was as well. So I think doing things together and
also I had a lot of support at the time too,
so I never felt isolated or I never felt I
was by myself in there. So that kind of relieved
that side of things for me, and I could kind
(21:57):
of focus on trying to build a relationship with her.
And I think, yeah, that initial shock war off were
not still in shock, but that initial shock war off
within being in the hospital, and then I just kind
of wanted to be in my own environment to feel
somewhat normal and then continue to navigate being a mum
(22:22):
and also trying to build that relationship with her. But
every day we got a little bit easier and I
was like, ah, I have so much love for this
little baby that it's just yeah. So that happened pretty
soon after we left the hospital.
Speaker 3 (22:38):
For sure, coming up they do happen. I wouldn't say
that they're common. I work in this space and I've
seen one.
Speaker 1 (22:54):
The idea of coming home from the hospital can be
pretty terrifying for first time parents, and that's those who
fully set up their nursery and had nine months to
get used to the idea. So what was ELA's homecoming
like for Aaron and Dan?
Speaker 2 (23:09):
So we were living in two bedroom house, thank goodness.
So we had a spare room that was actually my
reformer room, so I had to ditch the reformer, but
obviously nothing. The closest thing we were to parents is
our black lab so he was that's the closest thing
we got to So once we're in hospital, our parents
(23:29):
and friends were amazing. They just they literally just got
it like they got I didn't have to think about anything.
They got everything and then just transformed that whole room
into a nursery essentially, but like everything that we needed.
Some friends you know, had who had babies, like gave
us their capsules and prams and all sorts of things,
(23:49):
and so that was a relief. I had. You know,
one of my best friends, she's early childcare teachers. She
had me like gave me nappies and elder things that
I just wouldn't think of, Like she just had stopped
up the whole cupboard. So yeah, we we got her
home and yeah that was all set up, which was
which was great, And it was the help and support
(24:12):
of everyone else that allowed us to do that, Otherwise
it would have been a lot different.
Speaker 1 (24:17):
We've spoken before on this podcast about how tough mum
can find it in the fourth trimester, how we can
sometimes focus so much on the birth we forget to
think about those challenging few months at home. I remember
what a wild, confusing, fuzzy time this was. So how
was it for Aaron? What did she actually know about
(24:37):
the realities of babies when she took Ailer back home.
Speaker 2 (24:40):
I already knew, like just from everyone else who i'd
lad heard. I was like, oh, lesleeps, you're not going
to get it. It's going to be all over the shop.
So I was kind of already thinking about that. I
think it was just navigating actually being by myself with
a baby. I think was the hardest part for me,
(25:02):
just because I had come from being in the hospital
and I hadn't applied for you know, maternity leave, or
Dan hadn't applied the paternity leave. So he did his
best that he could and got work off for like
two weeks or something, but he had to go back
and I just had come from being around you know,
Dan and my Errents were popping in all the time
to I think the first time he had to go
(25:23):
back to work, and I just remember being like, I
just I can't do this. I don't know how I'm
gonna be by myself eight hours with a baby. So
that was definitely, I remember the hardest. One of the
hardest parts is trying to be like, Okay, I need
to look after this small human by myself and yeah.
(25:45):
So I think that was definitely just the managing your emotions,
I think, because I always thought I was pretty good
at that, but it was also a whole new ball
game after giving birth and being a mum and also
caring fears someone else, not just yourself.
Speaker 1 (26:01):
So what would Aaron say to anyone else who had
a surprise baby like hers.
Speaker 2 (26:05):
Don't be afraid to ask for help if you need it,
and if you're needing a break, like voice out as well.
I got in my own head a little bit being
like I didn't have warning, so everyone else didn't have warning,
like they didn't sign up to, you know, come and
help me as well. Like I just felt bad to
even message you know, my friend's or Dan's mom or
(26:29):
my mom and be like, can you come over and
help me? I don't know what I'm doing. I think
it is super important to look after yourself as well
as you know your baby. And so I think if
you need help, or you want help, or you need support,
or you just need someone there, I think, don't be
afraid to reach out and ask is super important, not
only for the baby, but your mental health as well.
Speaker 1 (26:51):
Diary of a Birth is focused on giving moms the
chance to tell their stories in their own words, but
medical questions arise, and for that we have the wonderful
services of doctor Gollie, dad of three and one of
Australia's best pediatricians. I had to ask him do these
surprise pregnancies have a name and how common are they?
Speaker 3 (27:11):
They do happen? I wouldn't say that they're common. There
was a study out of South Australia a few years
ago that showed an incidence of about one in roughly
fifteen dean hundred births in Australia. In Germany there was
a similar study. It was close to one in two
thy five hundred, so huge variability, which means we don't
really know how common and uncommon they are, but they
(27:34):
certainly happen. I work in this space and I've seen one.
I've been doing this for decades. I've seen one and
I wasn't even a doctor yet. I was a medical student.
These surprise pregnancies have got different names depending on what
they are. So you know, in this case we call
it an undetected pregnancy. This is where it is a
(27:54):
complete surprise to everyone, especially the mother. In America they
use the term cryptic, which is fascinating.
Speaker 1 (28:03):
Understandably, Aaron was in shock and had to work to
bond with her beautiful daughter eiler, but the feeling of
not immediately feeling a woosh of love is experienced by
many new mums and can lead to guilt and shame
through no faults of their own. Here's doctor go on
what to do if you feel like this.
Speaker 3 (28:23):
Yeah, look, I think it's more common than people think,
and especially when it comes to dads. A lot of
dads feel this pressure to have the same instant bond
that a mum commonly has with their baby. And I
see it, I must be honest. I see it every
single day. You know, you bring a baby straight from
delivery onto mum's chest and Mum you can see it click.
(28:44):
It's like the lights turn on and this bond is instant,
and you can almost see a lifetime of bond. It's beautiful.
And I often look at dads and they don't have it,
and you can see the cogs turning and wondering why
don't I have it? What's wrong with me? It's a
real challenge for a lot of dads. It's also more
(29:04):
common in the setting of a maternal health concern. So
if mum, for example, had a postpartum hemorrhy to bleed
after birth or had to be put under general that
aesthetic had to be returned to theater, or even if
the baby has a condition you have, the baby's whisked
away or born premature, or that immediate spark can be threatened.
My advice to couples when they don't feel it, whether
(29:27):
it's mum, dad, even sibling, just maintain that presence. You know.
A bond is something that is lovely when it happens instantly,
but it does happen, albeit later every time. It's something
that builds over time. It's not always instant. And I
think if you put pressure on yourself as a parent,
(29:47):
as a new parent, especially to have that instant connection,
it doesn't happen all the time. And that's also safe,
and that's fine, and it's normal and it's common, and
it doesn't mean that you've done anything wrong or it
doesn't mean you're a bad parent. I hear all of
these catastrophizing comments. It's absolutely not the case. And I
(30:08):
promise you if you just be with that baby and
have skin to skin time, kangaroo care, feed them, bath them,
change them them, and just spend time, that bond is
built like a breach and it will happen eventually and I'm.
Speaker 1 (30:28):
So keen to hear Erin's advice to all new mums
after the incredible experience she went through.
Speaker 2 (30:34):
I remember one of the midwives came over to me
and did one of their visits when we were settling
into the house, and one thing that always stood out
to me was she said, a baby has never died
from crying. So if they're crying and you need a minute, like,
go take a minute. They're going to be crying regardless,
(30:55):
so like, just just take it time, as much time
as you need, and then come back because maybe maybe
they don't but the baby obviously might feed off like
what you're giving out your energy. So I feel like,
if you just try and take that time, come back,
And that kind of always stood out with me. But
also I think, just enjoy that time. I know it's
(31:19):
like hard, and you know this sleeps horrible, or you
know they might not be feeding well or they might
not be settled or whatever it is. But I think,
just try and enjoy that time because it actually does
go super fast, It really does. And I know everyone
always says that, but I just remember, you know, sitting
on the couch and you know they're asleep and you're
watching a nice show and he's like, Oh, it's just
(31:40):
they're just so small and it's just really special time.
So I think, yeah, just taking that step back for sure.
Speaker 1 (31:51):
Thank you for joining us on Diary of a Birth,
where we celebrate all the amazing ways that we as
women bring life into the world. Join me next week
as we hear the amazing birth story of mom and
me as very own Clare Stevens. If you'd like to
share your birth story with us, we'd love to hear
from you. Find out how in our show notes. Diary
(32:11):
of a Birth was hosted by me Kasenya Lukicch, with
expert input from Doctor Golly, Audio production by Scott Stronach,
and our executive producer is Georgie page On
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