August 19, 2025 • 37 mins
Content Warning: This episode discusses stillbirth, infant loss, and termination for medical reasons. Please proceed with care.
After falling pregnant on their first time trying into their marriage, Darci and her husband were overjoyed to be expecting their first child—the first grandchild for both sets of parents. But what began as an uncomplicated pregnancy quickly transformed into a medical emergency when Darci's blood pressure reached dangerously high levels, requiring multiple hospital admissions and constant monitoring.
In today's profoundly moving episode, Darci courageously shares the devastating moment at 21 weeks when doctors discovered her baby was measuring the size of an 11-week foetus. Faced with an impossible choice, she and her husband made the heartbreaking decision to terminate for medical reasons and elected to be induced and proceed with the birth.
She shares Dylan's story not just as a tribute to her son, but as a lifeline for other bereaved parents who may feel alone in their grief—because these babies were loved, their lives had meaning, and their stories deserve to be told.
If you have been affected by any of the content in this episode, here are some resources, including Bears of Hope—an organisation that greatly helped Darci.
Stillbirth Foundation Australia Resources
Diary Of A Birth features mums sharing their heartfelt stories of bringing life into the world. Share your birth story at podcast@mamamia.com.au or send a voice note here.
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CREDITS:
Host: Ksenija Lukich
Birth Story: Darci Crocker
Producers: Ksenija Lukich & Ella Maitland
Audio Producer: Tina Matolov
Mamamia acknowledges the Traditional Owners of the Land we have recorded this podcast on, the Gadigal people of the Eora Nation. We pay our respects to their Elders past and present, and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander cultures.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:21):
You're listening to a Mamma Mia podcast. Mamma Mia acknowledges
the traditional owners of land and waters that this podcast
is recorded on. We pay our respects to elders past,
present and emerging, and feel privileged to continue the sharing
of birth stories and knowledge that has been a fundamental
part of Indigenous culture. Content warning. Today's episode discusses still
(00:45):
birth and infant loss. Please proceed with caution.
Speaker 2 (00:52):
Hi.
Speaker 1 (00:52):
I'm Cassenya Lukich and this is diary of a birth.
When we fall pregnant, we imagine bringing our babies home.
We set up a nursery, tell our friends and families
by a pram. But the harsh reality is that perinatal
death still happens. According to the Australian Institute of Health
(01:13):
and Welfare in twenty twenty one, one percent of births
ended in still birth or neonatal death. But statistics mean
nothing to the individual and these stories still deserve to
be told. These babies were loved and their lives had meaning.
Today's story isn't an easy one. It's harrowing. I want
(01:36):
to thank our mom today for her immense bravery in
sharing it, because despite the trauma, the isolation that comes
with losing a child can be all consuming, so please
take care listening today and let's meet today's mum.
Speaker 2 (01:52):
My name is Darcy and this is the diary of
my birth with Dylan.
Speaker 1 (01:57):
Darcy. I just want to say thank you so much
for talking to us today because your story I think
will help a lot of women who have been through
the same thing that you have been through, and I
think just allow them to feel what they need to feel.
Let's kind of start off with your journey to falling
(02:17):
pregnant and what your relationship was like before you found
out that you were pregnant.
Speaker 2 (02:22):
So my husband and I had only been married six
months roughly. We got married in the April, and then
we found out we were pregnant in the October, and
so we were really really excited because we fell pregnant
essentially on our first try to fall pregnant very very quickly.
(02:43):
We were super super excited. We were going to be
the first biological child for my mother in law. I'm
the oldest of two girls, so we were going to
be the first pregnancy for my parents to be grandparents
as well, So it was everyone was really excited. We
were super super happy, to find out we were going
(03:04):
to be bringing a little baby into our home.
Speaker 1 (03:07):
And is this last year or the year before?
Speaker 2 (03:09):
So this year would have been Dylan's first birthday. So
we lost him in twenty twenty four, in the February.
Speaker 1 (03:18):
So the early stages of your pregnancy after you found out,
you're obviously very excited. Can you tell me about those
early stages of your pregnancy.
Speaker 2 (03:27):
So, we because I suffer from anxiety and ADHD, we
were very concerned about a lot of the mental side
of being pregnant, things like that. So we chose to
go through a private obstetrician. That was our decision. We
decided that's what we want to do. We wanted to
see the same doctor every single appointment. We wanted to
(03:48):
know our care staff throughout the entire pregnancy. And we
found the most amazing ob down the road from us
here in Sydney. He was fantastic, really looked after us
and things like that first appointment, he was like, Yep,
your weight's good, your health looks good, your blood pressure
looks good. Everything looks fantastic. Put me on the standard
(04:10):
aspirin regiment like prenatal vitamins that I'd already had been
taking so kind of said, look, you guys are doing
the right thing. Just deep healthy, stay healthy, stay calm,
be happy, and then continue through until sort of our
twelve week check up. Then we went to fourteen weeks,
(04:32):
and then it was at that point that he started going, oh,
your blood pressure is a little high. Let's keep an
eye on that. So I went in a couple weeks
later and he's like, blood pressure is still high, let's
increase the aspirin amount. And then I remember around Christmas,
I was told to start monitor my blood pressure very
regularly because it was starting to be a little bit high.
(04:54):
So it was just around Christmas time or just before
we were meant to go back to work in the January,
and my blood pressure was really really high. I was
told to come in they had a look at it.
My husband went to work. He was like, oh, look,
it's just check up. It's nothing going to be serious.
And I got told we're driving you to hospital, we're
(05:15):
being you admitting you for monitoring tonight and we're going
to see what happens.
Speaker 1 (05:20):
How many weeks were you then?
Speaker 2 (05:23):
I would have been first time would have been about
that the ten week mark, and then the second stint
where I really was in hospital was probably fourteen fifteen weeks,
and that was quite scary because you going to hospital
being totter, your blood pressure is a little bit high.
(05:44):
I went in there for the high blood pressure. They
rechecked my blood pressure, and I will say the midway
staff at my hospital at Campbelltown were phenomenal. I remember
her name, very really Korean. And she said, look, I
don't want to freak you out. She goes, I'm about
to press the big red button. She goes, there's going
(06:04):
to be a lot of people coming in. She goes,
there is nothing wrong with your baby at this stage.
She goes, Our concern is your blood pressure is dangerously high.
So they pressed that and then I had full METS team,
so obstetrician, midwife, nurse, renal doctors came in and it
(06:27):
was like that start of the Your pregnancy is not
going to be a normal pregnancy. It's going to have
to be monitored closely. But your ob will do follow
ups when we discharge you. It's not something to be
majorly concerned about. It's just your blood pressure is very
high and we need to get under control before we
send you home.
Speaker 1 (06:47):
How were you feeling. Did you feel unwell?
Speaker 2 (06:51):
I didn't feel unwell at all, Like I felt what
I thought was normal in pregnancy, like tired, vomiting, like
a little bit of fluid retention, which having sister in
laws who have been pregnant and all that, and they
were like, oh, yes, I had this when I was pregnant.
So it was kind of what I thought was normal
(07:12):
in pregnancy to have all of these and to then
have all of this happen and find out it's not
quite as normal as what you would think it would be.
Speaker 1 (07:22):
This was your first pregnancy, you didn't know what was normal.
Speaker 2 (07:27):
No, absolutely not. So this was my very, very first pregnancy.
Speaker 1 (07:31):
So you get home, you've been discharged. What's going through
your mind at that moment? What are you and your
husband talking about.
Speaker 2 (07:39):
My husband is a very level headed man, so he
was like, look, stop overthinking it, stop googling. You're going
to google it to your heart's content and you're going
to freak yourself out even further, which I will admit
I did. I googled like high blood pressure pregnancy, and
that is very terrifying if you don't know what you
are reading. So I kind of had to stop that
(08:01):
I was more okay, I've come home. I was like,
all right, let's keep monitoring you. Let's increase the as
spirin one type of blood pressure medication, very very low
dosage I'd been told. And then a couple weeks later
I went back in for an another follow up, and
(08:22):
they were like, well, just keep an eye on this.
This is going to be kind of the norm. You
might be coming in every two to three weeks instead
of at the sort of twelve week, sixteen week at
the big peak points of a normal pregnancy. And then
I went in again to the obeing and he goes,
you're going back in to hospital again. Your blood pressure
(08:46):
is again dangerously high. And that was literally only probably
within two weeks of that first hospital visit. Yeah, so
it was like I went in on my own accord
and then got sent back again by the ob Yeah.
Speaker 1 (09:01):
What was the team like, did they give you any
indication of what was going on or was it just
your blood pressures high?
Speaker 2 (09:07):
It was a case of they were like, look, you've
got high blood pressure. Then they started talking about, oh,
due to the weight and things like, because obviously I'd
been pregnant, I had put a bit of weight on
but there was no at that point, there was no
discussion of is there something else going on. It was
always down to, oh, look she's pregnant, euro is going
to have some elevated black pressure was kind of where
(09:29):
the initial thought process was. I then was in hospital
for just over a week over the Australia Day Long weekend,
so there was not a OB on call to do
an ultrasound. I eventually discussed with my OB. He was like, look,
(09:50):
you can stay here another night and wait to see
if the ultrasound is in tomorrow or if do you
want to go home, sleep in your own bed and
go to the local ultrasound place and get that done there.
And so I chose to come home because I'd been
in hospital a week and I was like, I want
my own bed, I want my own comfort, like I
(10:10):
want to eat proper food, not hospital food. And then
the next day, because I was very sort of shaky,
I guess is the best way to put it, like,
they straight up said, look, we don't think you should
be driving just with your blood pressure, unknown of what's
going on at the moment. You need someone to be
with you.
Speaker 1 (10:28):
So you get home and you this is now where
it sort of towards the end of January and you're
going to go to a separate ultrasound clinic. How many
weeks were you at this point?
Speaker 2 (10:41):
So I would have been about eighteen almost nineteen weeks,
sort of just on that nineteen week mark.
Speaker 1 (10:49):
So your mother in law comes to the ultrasound appointment
with you, and what do they tell you.
Speaker 2 (10:54):
I got questioned by the ultrasound technician if I had
my dates right, if my dating scan was correct. Was
I sure about my dates for when the baby was due?
And I kind of was a little bit confused because
I was like, well, you guys are the ones who
did my dating scan, so I hope it's correct, because
(11:16):
this is why I came back to them, because I
knew that's where I did my dating scan. And then
he didn't say anything more. And then halfway through that appointment,
while I was having the scan, I got a phone
call from the head of the renal clinic who was
on call, saying, we've seen your results. We've looked at
(11:38):
your blood work. You have two choices right now. You
can drive yourself to Cambratown, present yourself to emergency we'll
let them know you're coming, or you can call an
ambulance and say you're a high risk pregnancy. I've been
told to say, I need to put in a met
call for an ambulance to come to me right now.
(11:58):
And that was probably at the point in my pregnancy
where I really realized, Okay, something is not right, something
is definitely wrong, and that I need to fully understand
what is happening here, because this is not the pregnancy
journey I was expecting. I was not expecting to be
(12:19):
in it, out of hospital, or within the first two trimesters. Like,
I was not enjoying my pregnancy by that point. I
was very emotionally over it already.
Speaker 1 (12:29):
Yeah, you would have been terrified as well.
Speaker 2 (12:31):
Yeah, and thankfully I had my mother in law with us.
Speaker 1 (12:35):
Yeah, so you go to the hospital. What do the
nurses or obstitutions say to you when you get there.
Speaker 2 (12:41):
I sat in the emergency department for four hours before
I was seen. I was told that they would be
prepared for me coming in, and I got told to
sit there and wait. When I was told that this
was an emergency to come here, and I got told
to wait. And it was only when I was seen
that I was told no, someone should have rang straight
(13:01):
up to the Anni Nadal ward and told them what
you were here. No one told us you were here.
So I was very tired at that point because it
was about seven eight o'clock at night by that point
in the day, so I just wanted to go home,
almost just go to bed. Said you're not going home,
(13:22):
You're staying here.
Speaker 1 (13:23):
And is your husband with you at that point.
Speaker 2 (13:26):
Yes, So he had left work and he came straight
to the hospital and did the change over with his mum.
So he went home, got a bag as a clothes
for us, just because we didn't know how long we
were going to be in the hospital this time, so
at least we had some clothes.
Speaker 1 (13:45):
Yeah, so you're admitted to the antenatal ward. You still
don't really know what's going on. You've kind of just
been told that your blood pressure is high, there's something
with your kidneys. But at this stage they still haven't
said anything about the baby.
Speaker 2 (14:03):
So they kept saying like heartbreak's good, like because that's
kind of at that time of the day, there's no
ultrasound technicians on site, like, so it was a case
of you're going to have to wait the ultrasound. They
were mainly focused on trying to get my blood pressure
under control before anything, because my blood pressure was still
(14:25):
extremely high even with the medications they were putting me on.
Because the issue with as I have now learned, is
blood pressure medication, they're not instantaneous. It takes at least
one week for most of them to start working. Some
of them it takes four weeks for them to start working.
So I was put on a number of medications to
(14:48):
try and control the blood pressure, to bring it down
to a stable level for them to start looking at
other potential issues. And so by this point I now
would probably be about twenty weeks, because I was in
hospital for nearly two weeks. So I got taken down
(15:09):
eventually to see and OB a couple of days later,
so I think I was there for about three days
before I see an ultrasound technician and I had a
specialist higher risk obstetrician duty scan and he said, let's
we're just going to have a look. We just want
to understand what we're working here with, Like, obviously, your
(15:32):
blood pressure is a huge concern here. I've looked at
your scan from the scanning center because they sent that
straight to the hospital for me and they said, We're
going to be honest, there is some concern on the scan,
which is why we're now doing another scan. And I
went on my own. I was in the hospital. I
(15:53):
mon I was like, I'm not making my husband bensit
at the hospital all day to not do a thing.
And it was at that point that I got the
news that, unfortunately our baby was for someone who is
at the twenty twenty one week mark. He was measuring
about the size of a ten eleven week old baby,
(16:14):
and that was their major concern. Straight up, they were like,
we need to do more scanning. We need to look
at this and then go away and have a look
at the full scance to understand what is going on.
Speaker 1 (16:27):
So at this point, did you have a sense of
what was going to happen.
Speaker 2 (16:33):
At that point, I completely broke down crying. I rang
my husband and all I said to him was I
need you here. And he made the trip from his
work to the hospital, which is normally maybe about a
forty five minute drive. He made that in twenty five minutes,
so he one hundred percent was speeding, one hundred percent
(16:57):
did not care. But he was like, I don't care. Literally,
he walked out in the middle of a meeting. He
was in a meeting with our big bosses, just got
up and left. And his mother at the time, she
worked for our company, so thankfully she saw him and
he said, I'm going and she knew straightaway something wasn't right.
So he came to the hospital. My parents came up
(17:21):
from Canberra because we asked them to come up because
we were like kind of wanted that support network around us,
just because we didn't know what was going on, what
our decisions were going to have to be. Like originally
in our minds, we were thinking, okay, were having a
premature baby it twenty three twenty four weeks? Is that
(17:41):
what the plan's going to be here? And that was
initially our thought process and what the doctors had originally
saying we might have to do.
Speaker 1 (17:52):
So your husband gets to the hospital, you speak with
the obe and what are the options that they give you.
Speaker 2 (18:00):
Honestly, we were given two options and it was a
case of, look, your blood pressure is very, very dangerous.
We have huge concern for your blood pressure. Doctor R.
Dewey was his name. I always remember him very clearly
because I still see him in the hospital Arey now.
(18:20):
Then he said, look, this is how it is, which
is baby is this size. Your placenta is also not
to the size we would expect someone at twenty one
weeks to be. And that's where they kind of explained
baby is quite small. They're trying to obviously get more
nutrients from placenta, and because you've got the high blood pressure,
(18:41):
it's like a chain reaction. They said, that's happening with
your blood pressure and baby's development. And they said, look, realistically,
we can try to get you to twenty four weeks,
but medically for you, we don't believe we can even
safely get you to twenty four weeks without you having
a stroke.
Speaker 1 (19:02):
Yeah. So I can imagine that that decision was incredibly
difficult for you to make. Yeah, so you and your
husband made the decision to induce Yes.
Speaker 2 (19:17):
So when we made the decision, we just said, look medically,
for my health, we actually I directly asked the question.
I said, if we can get to twenty four weeks,
what would any potential life quality look like? And they said,
even if we get you to twenty weeks, there's no
guarantee that you will have a living, breathing baby, And
that was a huge shock for me, especially kind of
(19:41):
like because I've been through this journey so far as
essentially halfway through my pregnancy, and that was not an
easy thing to be told, which is, we can try,
but there's no guarantee there's going to be a living,
breathing baby at the end of the day. And that
was very emotionally hard to manage for myself. And we said,
(20:03):
don't sugarcoat it. Put it straight to us, and he said, honestly,
my medical opinion is you will die before you give
birth to this child living. And that was not an
easy thing to hear, but I think we need to
hear those exact words, which is my medical opinion here
is unfortunately, I believe the safest option for your health
(20:23):
is to terminate this pregnancy for medical reasons.
Speaker 1 (20:27):
Yeah, they yeah, tell me about the induction process.
Speaker 2 (20:36):
So we were given two options. Were We're given the
option to go for a artificial induction to go through
like essentially a vaginal birth, or we could have gone
for a C section where they would have completely knocked
me out. I would have been unconscious, they would have
(20:58):
just done the surgery and then I've woken up in
another room. Obviously, it was a balance of what is
the recovery time versus what is recommended medically, and it
was we made the decision to go for a vaginal
birth because we got told that the recovery time was
a lot quicker. And after also speaking to the social
(21:19):
workers the psychologist, they said the vaginal birth may be
a bit more of a not necessarily healing process, but
for more of a less disassociation with the concept of
the fact that you have lost a child, whereas they said,
you can choose to do a C section, but ultimately,
at the end of the day, it is your decision
(21:40):
of what you choose to do. Yeah, coming up, we
were planning a baby shower at that point in our pregnancy,
so there was little moments that I had to kind
of say to people, Oh no, we're not doing that anymore.
And it was very hard to have to say to people,
Oh no, sorry, we're not interested anymore. We've lost the baby.
Speaker 1 (22:09):
So they induce you you have a vaginal birth. And
he was born not breathing.
Speaker 2 (22:15):
Ye, yes, that is correct. He was born not breathing whatsoever.
When I delivered, he was actually completely encased in the sack.
So like what my waters didn't break whatsoever, obviously because
he was so small, so tiny and all that. So
it was a weird experience, I guess it's the best
(22:37):
way to say it. Like I did disassociate quite a
little bit with the experience. Like I had my mum
there with us. I asked her to be in the
room leading up to the physical birth, and then when
it came time to physically give birth, my mom left
the room, so it was just myself, my husband, and
(22:59):
the ob on site on that day. But it was
not a quick process in the scheme of sort of
giving birth, but in the aspect of compedal full term birth.
I think from when I was given the medications that
(23:20):
they give you one lot the night before and then
another lot the next morning when you get moved onto
the maternity ward. When I gave birth, I was in
on the maternity warm in between in a room on
my own, but then the room next to me, it
was another woman who had just given birth to her
living baby that I could hear during my labor, which
(23:42):
was I was not prepared for that whatsoever. I was
expecting to be completely segregated from that area, but I
was not, and that mentally was something I still very
much struggle with today, with my recovery around it, with
my birth.
Speaker 1 (23:59):
Yeah, I'm so sorry for your loss and for the
way that that you know, post birth period was for you.
I can't even imagine how challenging that would have been.
When he was born.
Speaker 2 (24:13):
You named him Dylan, Yes, So he named him Dylan Raymond.
So when we initially were picking names, they were two
names that my husband was absolutely against, but they were
also kind of important to me in the regards of
(24:35):
my heritage, being I'm of Welsh descent, my father is
from Wales, and Dylan is a very very traditional Welsh
boy's name, so I wanted to have him something that
still tied him to family and culture, And Raymond was
named after my husband's grandfather, who was a huge person
(24:57):
in his life, and I felt that he needed to
have two very strong names to carry on with him. Yeah,
And it wasn't until my mom pointed it out, but
he has literally the exact same initials as myself, So
(25:18):
we didn't even realize it until my mum pointed it out,
which was really kind of fitting. I think is the
best way for us to know that he's still a
part of us. Yeah, because his initials are my initials.
Speaker 1 (25:33):
I can't even fathom the challenges of that. Yeah, but
I think the lovely thing is that he was very
loved and will be remembered obviously by you and your family.
Speaker 2 (25:46):
Absolutely. We have made an agreement that every year for
his birthday, we will always do something, whether it is
we go away on a holiday or we just do
something for him. Because this year would have been his
first birthday obviously, so we chose to spend it with family,
(26:10):
and we caught the ferry over to Tasmania and spent
time with my brother in law and my sister in
law who lived down there, and they made sure to
take care of us so gently during that few days
that we were down there.
Speaker 1 (26:24):
Yeah, how was your recovery? I mean, you're only a
year from it, and that's still pretty fresh physically, mentally, medically.
Speaker 2 (26:35):
Yeah, I think getting through those big milestones such as
my JEW date. My jew date was my little sister's birthday,
which was a really confusing and difficult time for me
because I wanted to celebrate her birthday with her, But
(26:57):
it was a case of also a really sad point
in my pregnancy journey because my mind was doing very much.
A I shouldn't think about company spend time with you.
I should be in hospital having a baby. So that
was difficult in regard that I wasn't seeing the joy
(27:17):
in a lot of things. First Chris without him, we
went up to the coast because my mother in law
and father in law moved up the coast, up the
North Coast, so we got to spend time at the
beach with my husband's side of the family. So I
had my sister in law her husband, I had their
(27:38):
little girl with them as well, which was Some might
see that is very hard, but for me, I felt
like it was the perfect distraction to have that little
girl and see that joy on her face at Christmas,
which I couldn't have with Dylan that year. So that
was definitely hard. I did break down a little bit
(28:00):
at Christmas because it was not easy, But then getting
through Dylan's first birthday, I kind of felt like once
we got through those really hard times, through his due date,
through first Christmas, through first birthday, I felt a little
bit better after each of those special occasions, so to speak.
Speaker 1 (28:25):
Yeah, I want to know from you, what made you
want to tell this story and what do you want
people to know about having a still birth.
Speaker 2 (28:39):
I think telling my story has been very opening. I've
had a lot of support through the Bears of Hope
group who provide a lot of support to briefed mums,
brief dads and all that. And I have made the
most amazing friends through other briefed mums through that group.
(29:03):
And the big thing I have taken away from my experience,
and not only theirs as well, but other mums as well,
is in terms of termation for medical reasons. There is
not a lot of talk out there about it. Like
you have the pink elor this group who do amazing
jobs as well and raising those issues, but you don't
(29:26):
really hear about the personal stories, the personal I guess
experiences of what happens after you leave that hospital or
what leads up to you making that decision. And for us,
like leaving the hospital was one thing, but then you
(29:48):
don't realize then you now have to plan a funeral.
You have to pick out a coffin the size of
a shoe box, honestly, and that's for me, that was
I think extremely hard to not only have to pick it,
(30:09):
but find someone who is willing to treat you and
him with the dignity that a little baby deserves. And
I was very lucky in the fact that I had
a nurse at the hospital completely go against protocol and
(30:31):
she said, I'm not meant to do this. She was
local to my area where we lived, and she said,
I know these people. They will look after you, they
will take care of you. Please call them and tell
or get your husband or your mum or your dad
to ring them and just say I've told them to
come to you. I'm coming because I've lost my baby
(30:55):
at this point. And they were so amazing to deal with.
They dealt with everything from picking them up from the
corners at Westmead. Because when you lose a baby, you
have the option of an autopsy as to whether or
not you choose to go through it, and that is
(31:16):
up to you. We felt our journey that we needed
to know what it was at him. Was there anything
wrong with him? Was there anything wrong with my placenta,
because they do they're autopsy all of that. And they
came back and said there was absolutely nothing wrong. It
(31:38):
was all down to your body not developing your placenta,
which meant he was not fully developed in size. There
was nothing physically wrong with him or medically wrong with him, whatsoever.
It was all down to not enough nutrients from the placenta.
Speaker 1 (31:58):
You know that's not your fault though, I yeah.
Speaker 2 (32:01):
And I know that now, but at that time I
just felt like I had failed him as a mum
and that still sits with me, that I failed him,
no matter what people say or well do say, oh no,
it's not your fault. Like at the end of the day,
it it still was because my body didn't produce the
(32:25):
nutrients that he needed to keep him to sustain him
through to twenty four twenty six weeks even just to
be there to give him a fighting chance. And it's
it's not easy to have to deal with that.
Speaker 1 (32:39):
I think those feelings are very valid and very normal
for people who go through pregnancy and still birth.
Speaker 2 (32:46):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (32:46):
I'm sure that your family tell you this all the time,
but it's absolutely not your fault and you are wonderful
mother to him.
Speaker 2 (32:53):
Yeah, And they do that, and it's always really lovely
because my dad always rings and says, how is Dylan's
mum going? Or they still very much bring him into
everyday conversations as to what he should and shouldn't do,
Like just thinking now like when we went down and
(33:15):
just has he for Dylan's birthday. My nephew Tim a
happy birthday when we were down there and he said, oh,
happy birthday Dylan, And I was really taking aback because
my nephew's only about eight and nine years old now. Yeah,
so he was still quite like seven years old wishing
(33:38):
a little boy that he'd never met really a happy birthday,
which just goes to show the kind of wonderful human
he is.
Speaker 1 (33:46):
Well, Darcy, thank you so much for your bravery and
telling your story and sharing it with us. Thank you
for giving this very important issue a bit of a voice,
and you know this can be his legacy is helping
other people not to feel alone in these situations.
Speaker 2 (34:07):
No, I hope, so even if it's just one or
two people, it's a huge difference because it's so I
felt so isolated after it. I just when I came
home from that hospital with no baby. I will be honest,
I completely shut down for probably towards end of May
(34:30):
that I started to kind of realize I needed to
go out and do things. So I completely shut down
for about four months, Like I was literally at home
just sitting there doing absolutely nothing.
Speaker 1 (34:44):
Well, that's grief, right.
Speaker 2 (34:46):
And it was also even a little bit harder because
we had the PRAM sitting in the back room that
was going to be his, Like, we had bought a
few things, like we were planning a baby shower at
that point in our pregnancy, So there was little moments
that I had to kind of say to people, Oh, no,
(35:06):
we're not doing that anymore, or oh, sorry, no, I'm
not interested in a baby shower cake anymore. Because I
had sent inquiries out and I was getting those responses
during that period, and it was very hard to have
to say to people, oh no, sorry, we're not interested anymore.
We've lost the baby. And it was very confronting for
(35:27):
some people. When I said that.
Speaker 1 (35:29):
I mean, I think it's really hard for people to
know what to say. And maybe that's a good final question, like, yeah,
what should people say to a berieved parent? What is
something that you wish someone had said to you?
Speaker 2 (35:42):
I feel like, no matter what you say, you will
always say the wrong thing to the wrong person. Because
one person might say I'm so sorry for us that
eventually did feel okay with me hearing that, but for
another mum that might tipper over the scales. But I
(36:03):
feel the not saying anything, I think is probably the
worst thing you can say. In other words, rather than
just saying, oh, we've lost the baby, it's going oh
I'm so sorry, it's go oh, well, these things happen,
like those are the comments that we don't want to hear.
Speaker 1 (36:22):
Yeah, it kind of invalidates your feelings and what you've
gone through, and it invalidates his life as well.
Speaker 2 (36:31):
Like I had comments like that. I had people to say, oh, well,
my daughter in law had that happened to her, And
it's like, yeah, at that time, when you're talking to
that bereaved parent, they don't care about what someone else
went through. They just want to hear that you care
(36:51):
about what they've been through. Yeah, and that's the hard part.
Speaker 1 (36:55):
Well, thank you again for telling your story, and I
wish you healing and health and just peace and thank
you very much, No.
Speaker 2 (37:06):
Thank you. The fact that you're willing to share the
story is very brave, I will say, because it's not
easy to share someone else's story and be allowed to
be trusted with that to do it justice.
Speaker 1 (37:21):
Well, I hope that we've done Dylan justice for you,
because he deserves it, and you deserve it, so thank you.
Speaker 2 (37:28):
No, thank you, I appreciate it.
Speaker 1 (37:33):
If you've been affected by any of the content in
this episode, we've linked a number of resources in the
show notes, including Bears of Hope, an organization which greatly
helped Darcy. Diary of a Birth was hosted by me
Cassenya Lukic. This episode was produced by Ella Maitland with
(37:54):
sound production by Tina Mattalov. We dedicate this episode to
Dylan
You're listening to a Mamma Mia podcast. Mamma Mia acknowledges
the traditional owners of land and waters that this podcast
is recorded on. We pay our respects to elders past,
present and emerging, and feel privileged to continue the sharing
of birth stories and knowledge that has been a fundamental
part of Indigenous culture. Content warning. Today's episode discusses still
(00:45):
birth and infant loss. Please proceed with caution.
Speaker 2 (00:52):
Hi.
Speaker 1 (00:52):
I'm Cassenya Lukich and this is diary of a birth.
When we fall pregnant, we imagine bringing our babies home.
We set up a nursery, tell our friends and families
by a pram. But the harsh reality is that perinatal
death still happens. According to the Australian Institute of Health
(01:13):
and Welfare in twenty twenty one, one percent of births
ended in still birth or neonatal death. But statistics mean
nothing to the individual and these stories still deserve to
be told. These babies were loved and their lives had meaning.
Today's story isn't an easy one. It's harrowing. I want
(01:36):
to thank our mom today for her immense bravery in
sharing it, because despite the trauma, the isolation that comes
with losing a child can be all consuming, so please
take care listening today and let's meet today's mum.
Speaker 2 (01:52):
My name is Darcy and this is the diary of
my birth with Dylan.
Speaker 1 (01:57):
Darcy. I just want to say thank you so much
for talking to us today because your story I think
will help a lot of women who have been through
the same thing that you have been through, and I
think just allow them to feel what they need to feel.
Let's kind of start off with your journey to falling
(02:17):
pregnant and what your relationship was like before you found
out that you were pregnant.
Speaker 2 (02:22):
So my husband and I had only been married six
months roughly. We got married in the April, and then
we found out we were pregnant in the October, and
so we were really really excited because we fell pregnant
essentially on our first try to fall pregnant very very quickly.
(02:43):
We were super super excited. We were going to be
the first biological child for my mother in law. I'm
the oldest of two girls, so we were going to
be the first pregnancy for my parents to be grandparents
as well, So it was everyone was really excited. We
were super super happy, to find out we were going
(03:04):
to be bringing a little baby into our home.
Speaker 1 (03:07):
And is this last year or the year before?
Speaker 2 (03:09):
So this year would have been Dylan's first birthday. So
we lost him in twenty twenty four, in the February.
Speaker 1 (03:18):
So the early stages of your pregnancy after you found out,
you're obviously very excited. Can you tell me about those
early stages of your pregnancy.
Speaker 2 (03:27):
So, we because I suffer from anxiety and ADHD, we
were very concerned about a lot of the mental side
of being pregnant, things like that. So we chose to
go through a private obstetrician. That was our decision. We
decided that's what we want to do. We wanted to
see the same doctor every single appointment. We wanted to
(03:48):
know our care staff throughout the entire pregnancy. And we
found the most amazing ob down the road from us
here in Sydney. He was fantastic, really looked after us
and things like that first appointment, he was like, Yep,
your weight's good, your health looks good, your blood pressure
looks good. Everything looks fantastic. Put me on the standard
(04:10):
aspirin regiment like prenatal vitamins that I'd already had been
taking so kind of said, look, you guys are doing
the right thing. Just deep healthy, stay healthy, stay calm,
be happy, and then continue through until sort of our
twelve week check up. Then we went to fourteen weeks,
(04:32):
and then it was at that point that he started going, oh,
your blood pressure is a little high. Let's keep an
eye on that. So I went in a couple weeks
later and he's like, blood pressure is still high, let's
increase the aspirin amount. And then I remember around Christmas,
I was told to start monitor my blood pressure very
regularly because it was starting to be a little bit high.
(04:54):
So it was just around Christmas time or just before
we were meant to go back to work in the January,
and my blood pressure was really really high. I was
told to come in they had a look at it.
My husband went to work. He was like, oh, look,
it's just check up. It's nothing going to be serious.
And I got told we're driving you to hospital, we're
(05:15):
being you admitting you for monitoring tonight and we're going
to see what happens.
Speaker 1 (05:20):
How many weeks were you then?
Speaker 2 (05:23):
I would have been first time would have been about
that the ten week mark, and then the second stint
where I really was in hospital was probably fourteen fifteen weeks,
and that was quite scary because you going to hospital
being totter, your blood pressure is a little bit high.
(05:44):
I went in there for the high blood pressure. They
rechecked my blood pressure, and I will say the midway
staff at my hospital at Campbelltown were phenomenal. I remember
her name, very really Korean. And she said, look, I
don't want to freak you out. She goes, I'm about
to press the big red button. She goes, there's going
(06:04):
to be a lot of people coming in. She goes,
there is nothing wrong with your baby at this stage.
She goes, Our concern is your blood pressure is dangerously high.
So they pressed that and then I had full METS team,
so obstetrician, midwife, nurse, renal doctors came in and it
(06:27):
was like that start of the Your pregnancy is not
going to be a normal pregnancy. It's going to have
to be monitored closely. But your ob will do follow
ups when we discharge you. It's not something to be
majorly concerned about. It's just your blood pressure is very
high and we need to get under control before we
send you home.
Speaker 1 (06:47):
How were you feeling. Did you feel unwell?
Speaker 2 (06:51):
I didn't feel unwell at all, Like I felt what
I thought was normal in pregnancy, like tired, vomiting, like
a little bit of fluid retention, which having sister in
laws who have been pregnant and all that, and they
were like, oh, yes, I had this when I was pregnant.
So it was kind of what I thought was normal
(07:12):
in pregnancy to have all of these and to then
have all of this happen and find out it's not
quite as normal as what you would think it would be.
Speaker 1 (07:22):
This was your first pregnancy, you didn't know what was normal.
Speaker 2 (07:27):
No, absolutely not. So this was my very, very first pregnancy.
Speaker 1 (07:31):
So you get home, you've been discharged. What's going through
your mind at that moment? What are you and your
husband talking about.
Speaker 2 (07:39):
My husband is a very level headed man, so he
was like, look, stop overthinking it, stop googling. You're going
to google it to your heart's content and you're going
to freak yourself out even further, which I will admit
I did. I googled like high blood pressure pregnancy, and
that is very terrifying if you don't know what you
are reading. So I kind of had to stop that
(08:01):
I was more okay, I've come home. I was like,
all right, let's keep monitoring you. Let's increase the as
spirin one type of blood pressure medication, very very low
dosage I'd been told. And then a couple weeks later
I went back in for an another follow up, and
(08:22):
they were like, well, just keep an eye on this.
This is going to be kind of the norm. You
might be coming in every two to three weeks instead
of at the sort of twelve week, sixteen week at
the big peak points of a normal pregnancy. And then
I went in again to the obeing and he goes,
you're going back in to hospital again. Your blood pressure
(08:46):
is again dangerously high. And that was literally only probably
within two weeks of that first hospital visit. Yeah, so
it was like I went in on my own accord
and then got sent back again by the ob Yeah.
Speaker 1 (09:01):
What was the team like, did they give you any
indication of what was going on or was it just
your blood pressures high?
Speaker 2 (09:07):
It was a case of they were like, look, you've
got high blood pressure. Then they started talking about, oh,
due to the weight and things like, because obviously I'd
been pregnant, I had put a bit of weight on
but there was no at that point, there was no
discussion of is there something else going on. It was
always down to, oh, look she's pregnant, euro is going
to have some elevated black pressure was kind of where
(09:29):
the initial thought process was. I then was in hospital
for just over a week over the Australia Day Long weekend,
so there was not a OB on call to do
an ultrasound. I eventually discussed with my OB. He was like, look,
(09:50):
you can stay here another night and wait to see
if the ultrasound is in tomorrow or if do you
want to go home, sleep in your own bed and
go to the local ultrasound place and get that done there.
And so I chose to come home because I'd been
in hospital a week and I was like, I want
my own bed, I want my own comfort, like I
(10:10):
want to eat proper food, not hospital food. And then
the next day, because I was very sort of shaky,
I guess is the best way to put it, like,
they straight up said, look, we don't think you should
be driving just with your blood pressure, unknown of what's
going on at the moment. You need someone to be
with you.
Speaker 1 (10:28):
So you get home and you this is now where
it sort of towards the end of January and you're
going to go to a separate ultrasound clinic. How many
weeks were you at this point?
Speaker 2 (10:41):
So I would have been about eighteen almost nineteen weeks,
sort of just on that nineteen week mark.
Speaker 1 (10:49):
So your mother in law comes to the ultrasound appointment
with you, and what do they tell you.
Speaker 2 (10:54):
I got questioned by the ultrasound technician if I had
my dates right, if my dating scan was correct. Was
I sure about my dates for when the baby was due?
And I kind of was a little bit confused because
I was like, well, you guys are the ones who
did my dating scan, so I hope it's correct, because
(11:16):
this is why I came back to them, because I
knew that's where I did my dating scan. And then
he didn't say anything more. And then halfway through that appointment,
while I was having the scan, I got a phone
call from the head of the renal clinic who was
on call, saying, we've seen your results. We've looked at
(11:38):
your blood work. You have two choices right now. You
can drive yourself to Cambratown, present yourself to emergency we'll
let them know you're coming, or you can call an
ambulance and say you're a high risk pregnancy. I've been
told to say, I need to put in a met
call for an ambulance to come to me right now.
(11:58):
And that was probably at the point in my pregnancy
where I really realized, Okay, something is not right, something
is definitely wrong, and that I need to fully understand
what is happening here, because this is not the pregnancy
journey I was expecting. I was not expecting to be
(12:19):
in it, out of hospital, or within the first two trimesters. Like,
I was not enjoying my pregnancy by that point. I
was very emotionally over it already.
Speaker 1 (12:29):
Yeah, you would have been terrified as well.
Speaker 2 (12:31):
Yeah, and thankfully I had my mother in law with us.
Speaker 1 (12:35):
Yeah, so you go to the hospital. What do the
nurses or obstitutions say to you when you get there.
Speaker 2 (12:41):
I sat in the emergency department for four hours before
I was seen. I was told that they would be
prepared for me coming in, and I got told to
sit there and wait. When I was told that this
was an emergency to come here, and I got told
to wait. And it was only when I was seen
that I was told no, someone should have rang straight
(13:01):
up to the Anni Nadal ward and told them what
you were here. No one told us you were here.
So I was very tired at that point because it
was about seven eight o'clock at night by that point
in the day, so I just wanted to go home,
almost just go to bed. Said you're not going home,
(13:22):
You're staying here.
Speaker 1 (13:23):
And is your husband with you at that point.
Speaker 2 (13:26):
Yes, So he had left work and he came straight
to the hospital and did the change over with his mum.
So he went home, got a bag as a clothes
for us, just because we didn't know how long we
were going to be in the hospital this time, so
at least we had some clothes.
Speaker 1 (13:45):
Yeah, so you're admitted to the antenatal ward. You still
don't really know what's going on. You've kind of just
been told that your blood pressure is high, there's something
with your kidneys. But at this stage they still haven't
said anything about the baby.
Speaker 2 (14:03):
So they kept saying like heartbreak's good, like because that's
kind of at that time of the day, there's no
ultrasound technicians on site, like, so it was a case
of you're going to have to wait the ultrasound. They
were mainly focused on trying to get my blood pressure
under control before anything, because my blood pressure was still
(14:25):
extremely high even with the medications they were putting me on.
Because the issue with as I have now learned, is
blood pressure medication, they're not instantaneous. It takes at least
one week for most of them to start working. Some
of them it takes four weeks for them to start working.
So I was put on a number of medications to
(14:48):
try and control the blood pressure, to bring it down
to a stable level for them to start looking at
other potential issues. And so by this point I now
would probably be about twenty weeks, because I was in
hospital for nearly two weeks. So I got taken down
(15:09):
eventually to see and OB a couple of days later,
so I think I was there for about three days
before I see an ultrasound technician and I had a
specialist higher risk obstetrician duty scan and he said, let's
we're just going to have a look. We just want
to understand what we're working here with, Like, obviously, your
(15:32):
blood pressure is a huge concern here. I've looked at
your scan from the scanning center because they sent that
straight to the hospital for me and they said, We're
going to be honest, there is some concern on the scan,
which is why we're now doing another scan. And I
went on my own. I was in the hospital. I
(15:53):
mon I was like, I'm not making my husband bensit
at the hospital all day to not do a thing.
And it was at that point that I got the
news that, unfortunately our baby was for someone who is
at the twenty twenty one week mark. He was measuring
about the size of a ten eleven week old baby,
(16:14):
and that was their major concern. Straight up, they were like,
we need to do more scanning. We need to look
at this and then go away and have a look
at the full scance to understand what is going on.
Speaker 1 (16:27):
So at this point, did you have a sense of
what was going to happen.
Speaker 2 (16:33):
At that point, I completely broke down crying. I rang
my husband and all I said to him was I
need you here. And he made the trip from his
work to the hospital, which is normally maybe about a
forty five minute drive. He made that in twenty five minutes,
so he one hundred percent was speeding, one hundred percent
(16:57):
did not care. But he was like, I don't care. Literally,
he walked out in the middle of a meeting. He
was in a meeting with our big bosses, just got
up and left. And his mother at the time, she
worked for our company, so thankfully she saw him and
he said, I'm going and she knew straightaway something wasn't right.
So he came to the hospital. My parents came up
(17:21):
from Canberra because we asked them to come up because
we were like kind of wanted that support network around us,
just because we didn't know what was going on, what
our decisions were going to have to be. Like originally
in our minds, we were thinking, okay, were having a
premature baby it twenty three twenty four weeks? Is that
(17:41):
what the plan's going to be here? And that was
initially our thought process and what the doctors had originally
saying we might have to do.
Speaker 1 (17:52):
So your husband gets to the hospital, you speak with
the obe and what are the options that they give you.
Speaker 2 (18:00):
Honestly, we were given two options and it was a
case of, look, your blood pressure is very, very dangerous.
We have huge concern for your blood pressure. Doctor R.
Dewey was his name. I always remember him very clearly
because I still see him in the hospital Arey now.
(18:20):
Then he said, look, this is how it is, which
is baby is this size. Your placenta is also not
to the size we would expect someone at twenty one
weeks to be. And that's where they kind of explained
baby is quite small. They're trying to obviously get more
nutrients from placenta, and because you've got the high blood pressure,
(18:41):
it's like a chain reaction. They said, that's happening with
your blood pressure and baby's development. And they said, look, realistically,
we can try to get you to twenty four weeks,
but medically for you, we don't believe we can even
safely get you to twenty four weeks without you having
a stroke.
Speaker 1 (19:02):
Yeah. So I can imagine that that decision was incredibly
difficult for you to make. Yeah, so you and your
husband made the decision to induce Yes.
Speaker 2 (19:17):
So when we made the decision, we just said, look medically,
for my health, we actually I directly asked the question.
I said, if we can get to twenty four weeks,
what would any potential life quality look like? And they said,
even if we get you to twenty weeks, there's no
guarantee that you will have a living, breathing baby, And
that was a huge shock for me, especially kind of
(19:41):
like because I've been through this journey so far as
essentially halfway through my pregnancy, and that was not an
easy thing to be told, which is, we can try,
but there's no guarantee there's going to be a living,
breathing baby at the end of the day. And that
was very emotionally hard to manage for myself. And we said,
(20:03):
don't sugarcoat it. Put it straight to us, and he said, honestly,
my medical opinion is you will die before you give
birth to this child living. And that was not an
easy thing to hear, but I think we need to
hear those exact words, which is my medical opinion here
is unfortunately, I believe the safest option for your health
(20:23):
is to terminate this pregnancy for medical reasons.
Speaker 1 (20:27):
Yeah, they yeah, tell me about the induction process.
Speaker 2 (20:36):
So we were given two options. Were We're given the
option to go for a artificial induction to go through
like essentially a vaginal birth, or we could have gone
for a C section where they would have completely knocked
me out. I would have been unconscious, they would have
(20:58):
just done the surgery and then I've woken up in
another room. Obviously, it was a balance of what is
the recovery time versus what is recommended medically, and it
was we made the decision to go for a vaginal
birth because we got told that the recovery time was
a lot quicker. And after also speaking to the social
(21:19):
workers the psychologist, they said the vaginal birth may be
a bit more of a not necessarily healing process, but
for more of a less disassociation with the concept of
the fact that you have lost a child, whereas they said,
you can choose to do a C section, but ultimately,
at the end of the day, it is your decision
(21:40):
of what you choose to do. Yeah, coming up, we
were planning a baby shower at that point in our pregnancy,
so there was little moments that I had to kind
of say to people, Oh no, we're not doing that anymore.
And it was very hard to have to say to people,
Oh no, sorry, we're not interested anymore. We've lost the baby.
Speaker 1 (22:09):
So they induce you you have a vaginal birth. And
he was born not breathing.
Speaker 2 (22:15):
Ye, yes, that is correct. He was born not breathing whatsoever.
When I delivered, he was actually completely encased in the sack.
So like what my waters didn't break whatsoever, obviously because
he was so small, so tiny and all that. So
it was a weird experience, I guess it's the best
(22:37):
way to say it. Like I did disassociate quite a
little bit with the experience. Like I had my mum
there with us. I asked her to be in the
room leading up to the physical birth, and then when
it came time to physically give birth, my mom left
the room, so it was just myself, my husband, and
(22:59):
the ob on site on that day. But it was
not a quick process in the scheme of sort of
giving birth, but in the aspect of compedal full term birth.
I think from when I was given the medications that
(23:20):
they give you one lot the night before and then
another lot the next morning when you get moved onto
the maternity ward. When I gave birth, I was in
on the maternity warm in between in a room on
my own, but then the room next to me, it
was another woman who had just given birth to her
living baby that I could hear during my labor, which
(23:42):
was I was not prepared for that whatsoever. I was
expecting to be completely segregated from that area, but I
was not, and that mentally was something I still very
much struggle with today, with my recovery around it, with
my birth.
Speaker 1 (23:59):
Yeah, I'm so sorry for your loss and for the
way that that you know, post birth period was for you.
I can't even imagine how challenging that would have been.
When he was born.
Speaker 2 (24:13):
You named him Dylan, Yes, So he named him Dylan Raymond.
So when we initially were picking names, they were two
names that my husband was absolutely against, but they were
also kind of important to me in the regards of
(24:35):
my heritage, being I'm of Welsh descent, my father is
from Wales, and Dylan is a very very traditional Welsh
boy's name, so I wanted to have him something that
still tied him to family and culture, And Raymond was
named after my husband's grandfather, who was a huge person
(24:57):
in his life, and I felt that he needed to
have two very strong names to carry on with him. Yeah,
And it wasn't until my mom pointed it out, but
he has literally the exact same initials as myself, So
(25:18):
we didn't even realize it until my mum pointed it out,
which was really kind of fitting. I think is the
best way for us to know that he's still a
part of us. Yeah, because his initials are my initials.
Speaker 1 (25:33):
I can't even fathom the challenges of that. Yeah, but
I think the lovely thing is that he was very
loved and will be remembered obviously by you and your family.
Speaker 2 (25:46):
Absolutely. We have made an agreement that every year for
his birthday, we will always do something, whether it is
we go away on a holiday or we just do
something for him. Because this year would have been his
first birthday obviously, so we chose to spend it with family,
(26:10):
and we caught the ferry over to Tasmania and spent
time with my brother in law and my sister in
law who lived down there, and they made sure to
take care of us so gently during that few days
that we were down there.
Speaker 1 (26:24):
Yeah, how was your recovery? I mean, you're only a
year from it, and that's still pretty fresh physically, mentally, medically.
Speaker 2 (26:35):
Yeah, I think getting through those big milestones such as
my JEW date. My jew date was my little sister's birthday,
which was a really confusing and difficult time for me
because I wanted to celebrate her birthday with her, But
(26:57):
it was a case of also a really sad point
in my pregnancy journey because my mind was doing very much.
A I shouldn't think about company spend time with you.
I should be in hospital having a baby. So that
was difficult in regard that I wasn't seeing the joy
(27:17):
in a lot of things. First Chris without him, we
went up to the coast because my mother in law
and father in law moved up the coast, up the
North Coast, so we got to spend time at the
beach with my husband's side of the family. So I
had my sister in law her husband, I had their
(27:38):
little girl with them as well, which was Some might
see that is very hard, but for me, I felt
like it was the perfect distraction to have that little
girl and see that joy on her face at Christmas,
which I couldn't have with Dylan that year. So that
was definitely hard. I did break down a little bit
(28:00):
at Christmas because it was not easy, But then getting
through Dylan's first birthday, I kind of felt like once
we got through those really hard times, through his due date,
through first Christmas, through first birthday, I felt a little
bit better after each of those special occasions, so to speak.
Speaker 1 (28:25):
Yeah, I want to know from you, what made you
want to tell this story and what do you want
people to know about having a still birth.
Speaker 2 (28:39):
I think telling my story has been very opening. I've
had a lot of support through the Bears of Hope
group who provide a lot of support to briefed mums,
brief dads and all that. And I have made the
most amazing friends through other briefed mums through that group.
(29:03):
And the big thing I have taken away from my experience,
and not only theirs as well, but other mums as well,
is in terms of termation for medical reasons. There is
not a lot of talk out there about it. Like
you have the pink elor this group who do amazing
jobs as well and raising those issues, but you don't
(29:26):
really hear about the personal stories, the personal I guess
experiences of what happens after you leave that hospital or
what leads up to you making that decision. And for us,
like leaving the hospital was one thing, but then you
(29:48):
don't realize then you now have to plan a funeral.
You have to pick out a coffin the size of
a shoe box, honestly, and that's for me, that was
I think extremely hard to not only have to pick it,
(30:09):
but find someone who is willing to treat you and
him with the dignity that a little baby deserves. And
I was very lucky in the fact that I had
a nurse at the hospital completely go against protocol and
(30:31):
she said, I'm not meant to do this. She was
local to my area where we lived, and she said,
I know these people. They will look after you, they
will take care of you. Please call them and tell
or get your husband or your mum or your dad
to ring them and just say I've told them to
come to you. I'm coming because I've lost my baby
(30:55):
at this point. And they were so amazing to deal with.
They dealt with everything from picking them up from the
corners at Westmead. Because when you lose a baby, you
have the option of an autopsy as to whether or
not you choose to go through it, and that is
(31:16):
up to you. We felt our journey that we needed
to know what it was at him. Was there anything
wrong with him? Was there anything wrong with my placenta,
because they do they're autopsy all of that. And they
came back and said there was absolutely nothing wrong. It
(31:38):
was all down to your body not developing your placenta,
which meant he was not fully developed in size. There
was nothing physically wrong with him or medically wrong with him, whatsoever.
It was all down to not enough nutrients from the placenta.
Speaker 1 (31:58):
You know that's not your fault though, I yeah.
Speaker 2 (32:01):
And I know that now, but at that time I
just felt like I had failed him as a mum
and that still sits with me, that I failed him,
no matter what people say or well do say, oh no,
it's not your fault. Like at the end of the day,
it it still was because my body didn't produce the
(32:25):
nutrients that he needed to keep him to sustain him
through to twenty four twenty six weeks even just to
be there to give him a fighting chance. And it's
it's not easy to have to deal with that.
Speaker 1 (32:39):
I think those feelings are very valid and very normal
for people who go through pregnancy and still birth.
Speaker 2 (32:46):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (32:46):
I'm sure that your family tell you this all the time,
but it's absolutely not your fault and you are wonderful
mother to him.
Speaker 2 (32:53):
Yeah, And they do that, and it's always really lovely
because my dad always rings and says, how is Dylan's
mum going? Or they still very much bring him into
everyday conversations as to what he should and shouldn't do,
Like just thinking now like when we went down and
(33:15):
just has he for Dylan's birthday. My nephew Tim a
happy birthday when we were down there and he said, oh,
happy birthday Dylan, And I was really taking aback because
my nephew's only about eight and nine years old now. Yeah,
so he was still quite like seven years old wishing
(33:38):
a little boy that he'd never met really a happy birthday,
which just goes to show the kind of wonderful human
he is.
Speaker 1 (33:46):
Well, Darcy, thank you so much for your bravery and
telling your story and sharing it with us. Thank you
for giving this very important issue a bit of a voice,
and you know this can be his legacy is helping
other people not to feel alone in these situations.
Speaker 2 (34:07):
No, I hope, so even if it's just one or
two people, it's a huge difference because it's so I
felt so isolated after it. I just when I came
home from that hospital with no baby. I will be honest,
I completely shut down for probably towards end of May
(34:30):
that I started to kind of realize I needed to
go out and do things. So I completely shut down
for about four months, Like I was literally at home
just sitting there doing absolutely nothing.
Speaker 1 (34:44):
Well, that's grief, right.
Speaker 2 (34:46):
And it was also even a little bit harder because
we had the PRAM sitting in the back room that
was going to be his, Like, we had bought a
few things, like we were planning a baby shower at
that point in our pregnancy, So there was little moments
that I had to kind of say to people, Oh, no,
(35:06):
we're not doing that anymore, or oh, sorry, no, I'm
not interested in a baby shower cake anymore. Because I
had sent inquiries out and I was getting those responses
during that period, and it was very hard to have
to say to people, oh no, sorry, we're not interested anymore.
We've lost the baby. And it was very confronting for
(35:27):
some people. When I said that.
Speaker 1 (35:29):
I mean, I think it's really hard for people to
know what to say. And maybe that's a good final question, like, yeah,
what should people say to a berieved parent? What is
something that you wish someone had said to you?
Speaker 2 (35:42):
I feel like, no matter what you say, you will
always say the wrong thing to the wrong person. Because
one person might say I'm so sorry for us that
eventually did feel okay with me hearing that, but for
another mum that might tipper over the scales. But I
(36:03):
feel the not saying anything, I think is probably the
worst thing you can say. In other words, rather than
just saying, oh, we've lost the baby, it's going oh
I'm so sorry, it's go oh, well, these things happen,
like those are the comments that we don't want to hear.
Speaker 1 (36:22):
Yeah, it kind of invalidates your feelings and what you've
gone through, and it invalidates his life as well.
Speaker 2 (36:31):
Like I had comments like that. I had people to say, oh, well,
my daughter in law had that happened to her, And
it's like, yeah, at that time, when you're talking to
that bereaved parent, they don't care about what someone else
went through. They just want to hear that you care
(36:51):
about what they've been through. Yeah, and that's the hard part.
Speaker 1 (36:55):
Well, thank you again for telling your story, and I
wish you healing and health and just peace and thank
you very much, No.
Speaker 2 (37:06):
Thank you. The fact that you're willing to share the
story is very brave, I will say, because it's not
easy to share someone else's story and be allowed to
be trusted with that to do it justice.
Speaker 1 (37:21):
Well, I hope that we've done Dylan justice for you,
because he deserves it, and you deserve it, so thank you.
Speaker 2 (37:28):
No, thank you, I appreciate it.
Speaker 1 (37:33):
If you've been affected by any of the content in
this episode, we've linked a number of resources in the
show notes, including Bears of Hope, an organization which greatly
helped Darcy. Diary of a Birth was hosted by me
Cassenya Lukic. This episode was produced by Ella Maitland with
(37:54):
sound production by Tina Mattalov. We dedicate this episode to
Dylan
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