September 22, 2025 • 32 mins
Welcome back girls! This week, I opened my DMs up to you all to source your biggest life dramas and dilemmas... and I hope I can help you answer them! I noticed a common theme here - these submissions are around love/dating, long-distance, big decisions & making sacrifices around love. I've experienced some of this recently, so I hope my real life insight & advice can make things clearer for you. Ily - talk to you next week xxx
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
From my personal opinion, if you stay somewhere to keep
your relationship, it's because you know that it might not
last or might not work. Hi, everybody, welcome back to
Tuesday's episode of Hotter than Yesterday? How are we all
no hangover scaries for me today? I know, let's all
(00:21):
tap each other on the back. I wish I could
say the same about yesterday. Yesterday was probably like up there,
probably top five worst hangovers I've ever had in my life.
I felt like I lived like six lives in my
life on Friday night.
Speaker 2 (00:36):
Oh guys, it was so bad.
Speaker 1 (00:38):
I've also come to realize my toxic trait when I
go out is over promising and telling people I will
do things with them. Like I on Friday night, I
told someone, well, I agreed to flight to Lebanton.
Speaker 2 (00:53):
The next morning at ten am, Did I go to Lebanton?
Speaker 1 (00:58):
No, I'm still in London. But it's just something I
can't help do. I always over promise and like I
meet new people and I'm like, you're the best person
I've ever met in my life. Like they go like,
do you want to come here? And I'm like yes,
And then I weirdly have to ghost all of these
plus four four numbers the next day, because I have
no clue how I met you, no clue how you
have my phone number, and I can't bear few to
(01:23):
ever see me again because I don't know in the
state that you saw me. But it's a lovely day
here in London. London Fashion Week is about to kickof,
and I'm actually going to a few shows, which I'm like.
Speaker 2 (01:33):
Really excited about. But I thought we would.
Speaker 1 (01:35):
Answer some dilemmas because they are everyone's cult favorite here.
Speaker 2 (01:39):
We just love a dilemma series.
Speaker 1 (01:41):
We love a dilemma episode, and I got sent quite
a few of them, so I thought it was time
to clock in, do some dilemmas, have a little chat,
and just bond over everyone's life problems at the moment,
because I know so many people are going through so
many different things and we can all feel less alone
in this situation. So we're not fucking around here. Let's
(02:01):
just dive straight into it. Dilemma number one. My dream
job is overseas for three years, a huge career jump.
My long term partner refuses to move. Do I accept
and risk losing the relationship, turn it down, or go
away and attend a long distance relationship. By the way,
(02:21):
love you first of all, Love you too. And my
housemates are actually in the room hiding. I locked them
in the door because I don't like people listening to
me while I record. But they're in a long distance relationship.
They first did long distance from Adelaide to Gold Coast
and now they do long distance between Gold Coast and
London and being around them and just like being I
(02:46):
feel like in my industry, there weirdly are along a
lot of long distance relationships because I work around like
a lot of models or influencers and stuff, and people
travel in my industry travel quite a lot, and from
speaking to a lot of people, and like, from my
personal opinion, if you stay somewhere to keep your relationship,
(03:08):
it's because you know that it might not last or
might not work, and you're going to go through so
many things. If this is your life person, you are
going to go through so many struggles within your whole life,
and so many things that your relationship hardship that your
relationship will face. And if it doesn't work in long distance,
then they're not the person for you. But if you
(03:28):
stay out of fear of losing them, you're then going
to resent them for.
Speaker 2 (03:32):
The rest of your life.
Speaker 1 (03:32):
As you said, this is like a huge dream career opportunity.
Do not stay in that country because your partner doesn't
want to move with you. If they want to support
you but not move with you, and you say you're
going to give it a go, then give it a
go long distance. But don't stay out of fear of
losing someone, because that you staying will turn into resentment
(03:56):
and you will resent them because you didn't accept your
career opportunity. And if you're in your early twenties, mid twenties,
late twenties, don't give up something that you really want
to do for somebody else, because at the end of
the day, the only person that you really have your
whole life is yourself, and you need to prioritize yourself.
Speaker 2 (04:14):
You need to put yourself first.
Speaker 1 (04:15):
And it's not worth saving a relationship because your relationship
will last if it's meant to last. Everything happens for
a reason, and if it doesn't last, then there's someone
better out.
Speaker 2 (04:25):
There for you.
Speaker 1 (04:26):
And I know obviously you not thinking about that right now,
but it's the truth. So have that career jump, babe,
have that career opportunity living in another city, experiencing another
way of life, because home will always be there, but
this opportunity won't, and you'll kick yourself in their foot
and always wonder what if if you didn't accept it,
And you have to go experience that for yourself, and
(04:47):
nobody else is going to teach you anything else besides
yourself really in this opportunity. So one hundred percent, go
take that fucking job, beach.
Speaker 2 (04:57):
Okay, Dilemma number two. So this is a long one. Well,
wab we love a long one to welcome.
Speaker 1 (05:03):
My ex boyfriend and I were together for about two
and a bit years. We had a great relationship, but
he moved across to the other side of the world
for school. We try to do long distance, but after
about a week he brought up how hard the time
difference has been and that we should focus on ourselves,
which we agreed on even if it hurt. Again, really mature,
proud of you for doing that. It was a best
for both of us. Now backtrack a little bit. I
(05:24):
was a really supportive girlfriend through it all, to the
point where it was hurting me knowing he was leaving,
but I wouldn't say anything because it's his dream to
live in America.
Speaker 2 (05:31):
Proud of you.
Speaker 1 (05:32):
That is really hard to do, but as he said,
it's his dream and he needs to follow through with that,
and I'm so proud of you for being supportive. I
made him a priority to make sure he knew I
was okay with him leaving, even though deep down I
was mad that after so long he could just leave
me behind. I also get that frustration, but I'm so
proud of you for again putting his dreams first, because
(05:52):
you knew he really wanted to do that, and if
you didn't, then he would resent you, and then your
relationship would end out of resentment. So I'm proud of you,
even though it was really hard and you didn't prioritize yourself.
Speaker 2 (06:02):
But it's been about.
Speaker 1 (06:04):
A month since he left and three weeks since we
broke up, and I knew I was absolutely not looking
to get into another relationship. But this guy has come
out of nowhere and I actually really like him a breath.
Speaker 2 (06:14):
Of fresh air.
Speaker 1 (06:15):
My brain is going all over the place about him.
We've also been on one day and planning another, but
I am also house sitting in his joining. I feel
like a monster that I've already met someone three weeks
after my two year long relationship as well. Always loved
my ex. Is it wrong with me to be talking
to this guy? I would always say, we both agreed
not to rule out a future relationship, to which I
(06:35):
also agree. But now that I think of, I'm not
putting my life on hold until.
Speaker 2 (06:39):
He comes home. Okay, I've got a few things to
unpack him. First of all, you have with this new guy.
Speaker 1 (06:47):
I never say, like, I don't agree on the saying
of like when is too soon to move on for
a relationship, because I just like, if you meet someone,
you meet someone and like you can't help that. But
I then say, put yourself in their shoes. If you
met someone who had just gotten out of a two
year relationship and the only reason why you guys broke
(07:09):
up was because of long distance, not because you fell
out of love or something bad happened, would you want
to pursue that guy? Does that make sense? Because it's
like you have also said that you still love your boyfriend,
and like if your boyfriend flew back tomorrow, would you
run back to your ex boyfriend?
Speaker 2 (07:26):
Like, yes, he may be really, really nice.
Speaker 1 (07:29):
But you just have to put yourself in those shoes
and be like, no, I probably wouldn't want to date
them because they're obviously not owing to their ex, Like
maybe they're using me to get over their ex and
they're not properly healed.
Speaker 2 (07:42):
And I always say you should always be properly healed
before you.
Speaker 1 (07:44):
Get into your next relationship because you don't want to
carry things over into that relationship and like almost use
it against them because it's not somebody else's problem to
fix your relationship trauma. Like, even if you got cheated
on in your last relationship, it's not that person. The
next person that you start dating was ability to fix that.
You have to do the inner work, even though yes
you aren't the one who cheated. You got cheated on,
(08:05):
but you have to do the inner work to allow
yourself to get over that and to overcome that trauma
because it's not their fault that they that happened to you.
It fucking sucks it happened to you, but you can't
use that against the new person that you meet or
the future that you want to build with that person. So,
as you said, you still really love your ex and
you're not necessarily over him, take it slow, like if
(08:27):
you enjoy this guy's company and everything like that, just
like see how it happens. But also just be open
and honest with yourself. Are you the only reason why
you're enjoying this guy's company is because you're lonely. And
if you're lonely, then don't jump into relationship just to
feel time and to feel space. You have to ask
yourself these questions and if you can't answer them or
(08:49):
you're like denying certain things, then like maybe it's not right.
But then if you feel like something's right and you
want to play it out, then like play it out.
Speaker 2 (08:59):
You know what I mean?
Speaker 1 (09:00):
And I one hundred percent agree of like saying like, oh,
don't rule out a future relationship, and YadA, YadA, YadA.
I always think when you break up, you need to
rule out the thought of future relationship even if you
do guys end up coming back together one day, Don't
ever think that. Don't ever say that because it will
stop yourself from properly getting over them and properly healing
(09:20):
with them. And like I'm speaking from experience, like when
me and my ex broke up, like we always said like, oh,
we just need to go off and change and grow
for a little bit and everything like that. And even
like when you stay in touch and stuff like that,
you always subconsciously in the back of your mind, whether
you want to admit it or not holding out or
like you may stop yourself from doing certain things or
meeting that person or doing that thing, whether whatever that
(09:43):
thing is is because you're like, is this going to
impact the future of him wanting me back? And I'm
not going to go on this date or I'm not
going to go here because I know that Johnny won't
like it, and so I'm not going to do it.
But if you guys are meant to fall back together,
what happens in your past shouldn't happen. And I don't
think that you can properly allow yourself to experience life
(10:05):
and move on from things when you still maybe subconsciously
in the back of your mind, have them in it
because you're like, oh, well, we might get back together.
And like, I know that I wasted so many opportunities
and like so much of my healing journey, like getting
over my ex, because like I would always be like,
oh well, I'm not going to do that because I
(10:26):
don't want to lead that person on because like what
if me and my ex get back together? And I
like shot myself in the foot with so many lovely
guys or like opportunities because I was like, oh, well,
that might ruin my like that might ruin me and
such and such getting back together, which is just so
stupid because I also knew that, like I didn't want
him back, but I cared about what he thought, if
(10:49):
that made sense. So I think, just like, follow what
you want, but like, also be really honest with your
feelings and don't push them aside because of the thought
that he might come back or just like a bit
of a this guy's just a bit of a distraction,
Like you said your house sitting and stuff like that,
(11:09):
Like are you only doing that because you want the
company or do you actually really like him? And I
think that you just need to be open and honest
with yourself and like I can't answer that for you,
but I'm putting those questions in your mind to make
you question it and even general about it and read
it back and then kind of come from a conclusion
from there.
Speaker 2 (11:26):
Okay, this girl goes.
Speaker 1 (11:29):
This guy I went on seven dates with across the
second half of last year, which ended due to him
traveling overseas without a planned return date. He still overseas,
but I can't get over him. We still like each
other story every couple of months.
Speaker 2 (11:41):
But what should I do?
Speaker 1 (11:41):
Do I message him or wait until he hopefully returns
home to Melbourne? Please, we are crushing out, Okay? I
think you just message him and just be like hey,
or like if you post a story of like him traveling,
being like, oh my god, you look like you're having
so much fun, and like, who's to say you can't
stay in contact and like be friendly. So then if
you want to like reconnect with him when you get
back to Melbourne, you can like pick it up. But
(12:03):
with that also be aware that he might not reply
twenty four to seven. You might not be talking the
whole time, but like, if you want to speak to him,
speak to him like you're not locked in. He's not
locked in and ended because you were traveling, but you
obviously are still on each other's mind. And I would
call seven dates a bit of a situationship. Situationships are
sometimes harder to get over because you're still in love
with the potential of what could have been, not what
(12:25):
it was, because you guys never probably dated. So if
you want to like keep talking to him, there's nothing wrong,
but you like yeah, can't get mad about anything that
he's doing, if that makes sense, because he is still traveling.
So if you want to stay in contact and like
keep up with him and like be friendly and like
have a bit of a flirt here and there, like
do your thing because like nothing was locked in and
(12:45):
if you still want to like pick up like where
things left off when he does get back to Melbourn,
I think it is like fine to like talk to
him and like be friendly and like still stay on
his mind, if that makes sense, Like still show that
like you're interested, but like you know, nothing's going in
where right now because of him traveling, but like let
him know that, like you're still interested in speaking to him,
(13:06):
and you can have a friendly chat, Like who cares,
I would say, have a friendly chat. Like there are
people that like I was speaking to you before I
came here, and like we'll still like exchange a few
messages here and there a couple times a week, but
like it's not serious, but like I still want to
be in their life and they still want to be
in mine, so like we can still chat even though
I've been over here for six months, like never saying ever,
(13:28):
and sometimes things are a bit more of a slow burn,
and he's obviously like having an amazing life experience right
now that you should still if you want to like
pick things up, like you should still be able to
be a part of that, maybe not as a girlfriend
or someone he's seeing, but like a friend or everything
like that. And if you do it in like a
chill way, he might even like like it more, be like, Oh,
she's super chill, like she's super supportive of everything I'm
(13:50):
doing right now, Like, yeah, I'd love to message her
when she gets back. I would one hundred percent like
just like reply it with cheeky story or be like,
oh my god, that food looks so good, or like
if he like puts like a men what do they do?
They like put photos up of like a fucking sunset
and be with the boys, or crazy hostel story being like, oh, like,
how's a hostile life or how's the traveling treating you?
(14:11):
Or if it's like a story of food, just be
like looks fucking bustin', you know, actually no, don't say that,
Say something like.
Speaker 2 (14:22):
Oh what is that?
Speaker 1 (14:24):
Or where is that if he doesn't like have the
geo tag, or it'll be like or like if it's
like a really nice place, you could be like, we'll
have to go back there one day. That's that's kind
of cheeky. I'm a really bad blurt, so I don't
really know what I'm doing. I really can't help you
with it. Yeah, next one, I was dumped about a
(14:46):
month ago. We weren't together overly long, but it was
my first healthy, easy, go with a flow adult relationship.
It felt different to all my others. I'm really struggling
with his breakup. It's been the healthiest I've ever had,
and no idea what to do with my emotions. All
my previous ones as edited and yelling or cheating or
something where it wasn't it was easy for me to
hate them and move on.
Speaker 2 (15:06):
This is so different.
Speaker 1 (15:07):
My dilemma is, I guess we've both said you never
know right person, wrong time, hope you find each other again, etc.
Speaker 2 (15:12):
Etc.
Speaker 1 (15:13):
But I'm struggling between my head and my heart because
I'm some consciously holding out hope for someone who's never
really going to come back. How do I really get
over that and move on? How do I stop the
subconscious feeling, even when consciously I can be logical about it.
Speaker 2 (15:26):
You know, in conclusion, I'm sad. I miss him.
Speaker 1 (15:28):
At times, I sit in hope and wonder, and I
don't know how to stop holding out hope and wondering because,
like I said, it was my first healthy breakup and
I still have no idea.
Speaker 2 (15:37):
What to do with my emotions someday. That fucking sucks.
Speaker 1 (15:40):
And I always say that, like healthy breakups, the hardest
to get over over something bad. Like if you break
up because like someone cheated or something did really wrong,
or it was a toxic relationship, you know that that
relationship is not right for you. So that's why you
can walk away from that with your head held high
and like it's easy not to go back because you
look like an idiot if you went back to it.
Speaker 2 (16:00):
But if it's when it's a healthy.
Speaker 1 (16:02):
Relationship, it's like, there was no reason for me to
hate them, and when you hate someone, it's easy to
get over them. And that was me with my last relationship.
Like nothing necessarily bad happened. It was probably a little
bit toxic towards the end, but our most toxic time
was when we were broken up because we had no
reason to get mad at each other for certain things,
but we did because we were still in contact sometimes.
(16:23):
But like the real like what really made me get
over him was that he did something wrong. And then
once he did something wrong or something that I no
longer stood for, it was easy for me to walk away.
But don't let yourself get to that point. Sit in
the fucking sadness. Cry your heart out, go on a
drive and listen. Listen to Olivia Rodrigo, Like, allow yourself
to sit in that sadness, because the more and more
(16:43):
you push your emotions down, the more and more it's
going to come up. Lay it down the track, and
you want to heal first and heal earlier, so.
Speaker 2 (16:50):
Then you don't fucking drag it out. And I dragged
it out.
Speaker 1 (16:54):
I distracted myself for so long and then it hit
me like fucking seven months later, and I was fucking miserable. Bro, Like,
I was so sad, like months and months later because
I didn't allow myself to sit in the sadness. And
I promise you, the sadness will become easier, and it
will become less frequent, and it will become smaller, and
(17:14):
it won't be these big blow ups and these big sadnesses,
but you literally, and I know everyone.
Speaker 2 (17:19):
Says it, it just takes time.
Speaker 1 (17:21):
It does, but you have to sit with the sadness,
and you have to sit with the emotions, and you
just have to fucking cry. And I said earlier, like,
tell yourself it's fucking over. Stop telling yourself, oh holding out, hope,
it's babe, it's fucking over.
Speaker 2 (17:35):
I'm so sorry. If you guys.
Speaker 1 (17:37):
Wanted to work through it and you wanted to push
past the hard part and you wouldn't have broken up,
but you did because clearly something in your relationship wasn't
strong enough and it wasn't worth fighting for, and that
is why you broke up. Do not read the same
book and expect a different outcome, Like you might get
back together out of comfort and out of boredom, but
(17:58):
do not read the same book and expect a different
outcome period, like you're not getting back together. I'm sorry
to be a fucking cunt. You're not going to You're not.
There's someone better and bigger out there. And if you
loved that person who wasn't right for you, imagine how
much you're going to love the right person.
Speaker 2 (18:14):
And just like.
Speaker 1 (18:16):
Hold out hope for that, don't settle for something that
is not right for you because out of fear of
being alone. Like, there is so much good about being single,
There is so much good about finding yourself and learning
to love yourself and being alone. Fall in love with that,
but version of yourself. Don't fall in love with anything else.
Speaker 2 (18:32):
Like hold out.
Speaker 1 (18:33):
Hope, and yes it may be hard, and yes it
will be hard, and surround yourself with friends, plan some things,
but do not go back. And do not hold out
hope because you don't want to read the same book
and acceept a different outcome.
Speaker 2 (18:46):
You'll just break up again. Sorry, next dilemma.
Speaker 1 (18:50):
I feel like this is a very dating dilemma. But
we like all love dating here, so we're just gonna.
Speaker 2 (18:53):
Chat, all right.
Speaker 1 (18:55):
I was dating my high school sweetheart since I was fifteen.
I am about twenty now. Recently just broke up and
I found out he cheated on me twice. Fuck that's
fucking heavy, I would say though throughout our relationship it
was very toxic, but I never had the courage to
leave because I loved him so much. Not that anything bad,
just an immature boy. I was dealing with who didn't
(19:16):
know what the yes and no should be in a relationship.
After breaking up, he was pretty much ringing me every night.
We still go to the same gym, I still see
him most nights. I'm really finding it hard to still
be in contact with him, even though he's my best friend.
I don't feel like I'm ready to have a relationship
with him yet, saying that I don't want to be
rude and just ignore him because I don't care about him.
(19:37):
So I just need help on what to do. I've
tried to say no, that I can't talk to you
as much as I want to and I need space,
but he's really upset about the whole situation, and I'm
not someone who can really stand up for myself and
hold the ground. What do you think, Okay, I'm gonna
hold your hand when I say this. He is just
trying to stop you from moving on. And once he
(19:57):
has healed himself, and once he's over it, he will
treat you like shit again and you will still be
dealing with the consequences because you have put his feelings
in front of yours. He cheated on you, He literally
cheated on you. You shouldn't have any respect for this guy,
and know you have so many emotions and like you
so have so much love for him, and you still
(20:18):
clearly loved him. He dated you, You guys dated for
a really, really long time, but he disrespected you. He
disrespected you more than once twice. You need to turn
that into anger and get over him before anything else,
because the second he is healed and the second he
has found somebody else, the person that's hurting is going
to be you, and you prioritized his emotions over yours.
(20:40):
The only way you can get over this, and the
only way you can heal with this is stop speaking
to him. You will not heal yourself from continuing to
speak to him, because your brain is literally chemically attached
to this man, and you will not get over him
if you continue to speak to him. Because you were
fifteen when you started him and you're now twenty, that's
(21:01):
five fucking years.
Speaker 2 (21:02):
Of your life.
Speaker 1 (21:03):
It will take a while, but you need to stop
speaking to him. And the only way you can stop
speaking to him is putting your foot through the ground.
He cheated on you, not once twice. Turn that into
fucking anger. He disrespected you. He made a conscious decision,
not once but twice to cheat on you. That is disrespectful.
He doesn't respect you as a person, even if he
(21:24):
says he does, even if he says he loves you
so much and he can't let go and he can't
lose you and everything like that, his actions say otherwise.
And think about the actions. Stop thinking about the words,
Think about the actions. A man's actions speak a thousand words.
And he did it twice once, Maybe you can forgive twice.
That's a conscious, conscious mistake, conscious choice, not a mistake.
(21:46):
It's not a mistake, it's a choice. And he did
it twice, So he doesn't respect you. Turn it into
fucking anger, and stop trying to be there for him
when he wasn't there for you, when he knew what
he was doing was going to hurt you, but he
still did it. Get out of their, babe, Get out
of there, and the second you do, you'll come up
on top. He'll realize what he's lost. He already has.
(22:07):
But that's not your problem to fix. That's his problem
to fix. And it's his fucking folks. He's disgusting. Thank you,
thank you for my ted talk. Sorry that was really
brutal and really honest, but it's the truth and someone's
got to tell it to you, and I'll be the
person who does.
Speaker 2 (22:21):
So, Okay, what do you reckon I should do?
Speaker 1 (22:25):
There's this guy and we've been talking a bit, but
I'm not really ready to date because of anything, of
trauma and whatnot. I told him I don't want to
date yet and I don't want to lead him on,
but I'm stuck because he's literally the sweetest soul. Do
we get closer and get to know each other more
or what? Okay, I'm gonna hold your hand when I
say this, and again, I'm gonna be brutally honest because
we asked for dielemadaries, and I'm gonna tell you what
(22:46):
it is.
Speaker 2 (22:47):
You don't like him enough.
Speaker 1 (22:49):
Everybody has trauma, everybody has issues, everybody has relationship problems,
relationship commitments. But the right person you will not want
to leave. He is a sweet guy, and that's why
you're leading him on because you know that he's going
to be sweet, but you just clearly don't like him enough. Yes,
you may have trauma and everything like that, but if
he's really sweet, then you'll want He won't be doing
(23:11):
those traumas to you and everything like that, but you
kind of know that you have the power here, so
you're leading him on. And it's just as simple as
you just don't like him enough, and that's okay. You
don't have to like everyone, and someone might be really
right for you, but you don't like him enough. And
like I have this person who like we've been we
have spoken for three years, and like it's like always
(23:33):
like I will speak to him for a little bit
and I'll give him a little bit and then I
won't speak to him for like another six months, and
I can recognize in myself that that's toxic behavior. And
like I had a conversation with him, but I wouldn't
ever lead him on. I've never led him on. I
would always like stop speaking to him because I recognize
in myself that that was toxic behavior and he didn't
deserve that, And I would always walk away from that
(23:54):
because I wasn't ready to commit to someone and I
wasn't ready to give myself to someone because I didn't
want that, and I wasn't continuing to see him. I
wasn't continuing to lead him on because it wasn't fair
on him because he was giving me everything I needed.
But I wasn't giving him everything he needed, so I
would stop speaking to him. And I had a conversation
(24:17):
with that and he literally said, like, I respect that
you always did that because it was it would have
been unfair on me, and it would have been and
you're doing the same.
Speaker 2 (24:26):
If you are not ready to date, then don't date.
Speaker 1 (24:30):
I haven't been ready to date for a long time,
and I didn't date. I haven't gone on dates this year.
And then I saw I was seeing a guy, as
you guys know over here, and I wasn't ready to date.
I wasn't wanting to date, but it felt right and
it felt natural, and that's what I did. And I
wasn't then thinking about it like, oh no, I don't
want to date or I'm not ready to date, because
(24:52):
there was a really good person in front of me
and I didn't want to lose the opportunity to experience
a certain time in life with him, so I did
even though I wasn't ready to date. I probably had
told myself I wasn't in the mindset to date, but
I did, because there's never a right time to date.
Like people say there's never a right time to have
a baby. There's never a right time to move overseas like,
nothing is ever going to be a right time. It
(25:13):
could just be a right person and someone that you're
willing to move mountains for, you're willing to make time for,
and everything like that.
Speaker 2 (25:19):
So I just don't think you like him enough. Yes,
he's a really good guy.
Speaker 1 (25:22):
And I've met so many good, good guys and like
good people that would be really good for me.
Speaker 2 (25:28):
But do I like them?
Speaker 1 (25:29):
No, Like, there was a guy last year at the
end of last year, and like he had no red flags,
he wasn't a bad person. He was an amazing person.
He was a really really sweet person. I couldn't find
a flaw in him. But is he the right person
for me? No, He's better off me not leading him
on and dragging him on because I knew that I
didn't want to date him properly and I wasn't wanting
to date and me leading him on would have been
(25:52):
unfair on him from finding someone who was ready for
that or who is willing to be that for him.
And I then think that you're the bad person and
it's not fair on you just because you want a
little bit of comfort or you want someone to hang
out with on a Sunday, like, that's unfair and you
wouldn't like it if someone did that to you. So
I think sometimes as women we can be a bit toxic,
and we always say like, oh men are toxic, but
(26:13):
like sometimes we can be too, and you always have
to then put yourself in that shoes and being like
if they did that to me, would I be really
upset by that?
Speaker 2 (26:22):
Probably, So it's like just not fair? Does that make sense?
Speaker 1 (26:26):
I just think like if you're not ready to date,
then don't date. And if you are ready to date,
and then you're making the excuse of I don't want
to date, then you don't like him enough to date him.
Speaker 2 (26:40):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (26:41):
I keep on getting questions about like moving to Europe,
doing like a big trip and everything like that. Some
girl says, I have an urge to move to Europe
for six months next year to work and travel, terrified
of not being able to find a place to live
or a job, missing my family and friends, and not being.
Speaker 2 (26:54):
Able to afford it.
Speaker 1 (26:55):
Please let me know any tips if you want to
have that. Obviously you need to apply for a working visa,
and I know that so many cafes and bars will
employ you anywhere in Europe, in London, in the UK
or anything like that. But I would say at the start,
go over with some savings that you may not then
be employed for like a couple months. You need to
(27:16):
have at least a right amount of savings that you
can make things work if you don't find a job
straight away. When it comes to rent, there are so
many places on Facebook. Join a few Facebook groups to
find a place to live, rent a room and everything
like that. There are so many people that like lease
their rooms over summer because they are traveling and stuff
(27:36):
like that. Find a short term lease and everything like that,
you will be able to find it. So I wouldn't
stress about a com but have that organized before you
come over here.
Speaker 2 (27:45):
And I know, missing famili is really really hard.
Speaker 1 (27:48):
Like my brother turns thirty this week and they threw
him a big surprise birthday over the weekend and stuff
like that. And like you do miss out in certain
things and miss out on your family, but in your
two it is a really good time to prioritize yourself
and if your family is in good health and everything
like that, it's a blessing to be able to miss
someone and know that people love and miss like to
(28:10):
miss them, and that you love them and that you
want to come but you will want to come home.
And like, of course I miss my family, I miss
my friends, I like miss so many people, but right
now they're all in good health, and I know that
there are just a twenty seven hour playing flight home,
And yes, that does seem like a long time, but
in the big scheme of things, it's not. And if
you really need to go home, you'll be home in
(28:31):
just over a day. And it's a blessing to miss people,
and it's a blessing to have people in your circle
that you do miss, but don't stop that from getting
life experiences and learning and growing.
Speaker 2 (28:45):
I've learnt so.
Speaker 1 (28:46):
Much, Like it feels like I've lived five years in
the six months that I've been away from home, I've
learnt so much about myself. I've come back with such
a different outlook on life. And I wouldn't have had
that if I stayed in my comfort zone. And being
in your comfort zone, yes, is comfortable, but it's not
going to make you grow. It's not going to make
you push yourself. It's not going to make you find
(29:06):
out what you like in life and what you want
to do and if you don't have a full time
job and everything like that, fucking do it.
Speaker 2 (29:13):
Just fucking do it.
Speaker 1 (29:14):
You'll be so grateful and like, who's to say, Yeah,
you want your plan to go for six months, If
you come home in three, you're not a failure. If
you come home in two. If you go for a
month and you don't even end up getting a job,
who cares. But I will always preach to everyone of
fucking doing it. A full time job will always be
there when you get home. If you need to get
a full time job, your family will be there when
(29:36):
you get home, everything will be there. Like I always
call my housemate Lily when I'm like feeling sad and everything.
She was like, Sam, don't come home. You're fucking staying
there because I guarantee you. The second you line back
in Melbourne, you'll realize that nothing's changed. Everything's still the same. Literally,
everything is still the same. Like I've gone on month
(29:56):
long trips to like America, and I've flown home thinking
that so much it would have gone down nothing nothing,
Like I know everything I go back to in Melbourne,
I'll be like, why did I miss this so much?
Speaker 2 (30:06):
Because it's still the.
Speaker 1 (30:07):
Exact same, So just do it, plan ahead, work your
little butt off if you want a plan to go,
so you have, like I would say, respectfully, have like
seven to ten k in your bank account, because that
means you do not have to get a job straight
over when you get here, and you can do things cheaply.
I don't really have advice on doing things like that
(30:27):
because I don't think I have necessarily done it in
a very money savvy way. But I'm very blessed to
be in a position where I didn't have to worry
about that. But I recognize in your twenties you might
need to do that, So I would say, have a
significant amount of savings I would say comfortably seven to
ten k, so that you're not fucking leaving paycheck to
paycheck the second you get over here, so you can
(30:47):
do some fun things not have to worry about that
and everything like that the second you get over here.
But yeah, I haven't done a little bit of a
hard truth in a long time. And I actually made
a TikTok about this and I was like, fuck, that
is so fucking true, and I just want to leave
(31:08):
on this. Healing made me private growth made me picky,
and peace made me unbothered, and that is what I'm
preaching for the next six months before I find something better.
Speaker 2 (31:24):
But it's just so true.
Speaker 1 (31:25):
Healing made me not want to overshare because when I overshared,
it hurt. Growth made me picky because now I know
what I want. I've grown, I know my self worth,
I know what is right for me and what's wrong
for me. And peace getting over those tough situations, getting
over hardship, getting over a heartbreak and everything like that.
I've now found peace and I know that I can
(31:47):
overcoming again if something is faced to me. So I'm unbothered.
I'm not going to let someone do that to me.
I'm when unbothered queen and everyone needs.
Speaker 2 (31:55):
To adopt that.
Speaker 1 (31:56):
But yeah, thank you guys so much for joining a
Little Dilemma Diary. I will see you guys next week
on heart of than yesterday.
Speaker 2 (32:05):
See you Tuesday. Bye,
From my personal opinion, if you stay somewhere to keep
your relationship, it's because you know that it might not
last or might not work. Hi, everybody, welcome back to
Tuesday's episode of Hotter than Yesterday? How are we all
no hangover scaries for me today? I know, let's all
(00:21):
tap each other on the back. I wish I could
say the same about yesterday. Yesterday was probably like up there,
probably top five worst hangovers I've ever had in my life.
I felt like I lived like six lives in my
life on Friday night.
Speaker 2 (00:36):
Oh guys, it was so bad.
Speaker 1 (00:38):
I've also come to realize my toxic trait when I
go out is over promising and telling people I will
do things with them. Like I on Friday night, I
told someone, well, I agreed to flight to Lebanton.
Speaker 2 (00:53):
The next morning at ten am, Did I go to Lebanton?
Speaker 1 (00:58):
No, I'm still in London. But it's just something I
can't help do. I always over promise and like I
meet new people and I'm like, you're the best person
I've ever met in my life. Like they go like,
do you want to come here? And I'm like yes,
And then I weirdly have to ghost all of these
plus four four numbers the next day, because I have
no clue how I met you, no clue how you
have my phone number, and I can't bear few to
(01:23):
ever see me again because I don't know in the
state that you saw me. But it's a lovely day
here in London. London Fashion Week is about to kickof,
and I'm actually going to a few shows, which I'm like.
Speaker 2 (01:33):
Really excited about. But I thought we would.
Speaker 1 (01:35):
Answer some dilemmas because they are everyone's cult favorite here.
Speaker 2 (01:39):
We just love a dilemma series.
Speaker 1 (01:41):
We love a dilemma episode, and I got sent quite
a few of them, so I thought it was time
to clock in, do some dilemmas, have a little chat,
and just bond over everyone's life problems at the moment,
because I know so many people are going through so
many different things and we can all feel less alone
in this situation. So we're not fucking around here. Let's
(02:01):
just dive straight into it. Dilemma number one. My dream
job is overseas for three years, a huge career jump.
My long term partner refuses to move. Do I accept
and risk losing the relationship, turn it down, or go
away and attend a long distance relationship. By the way,
(02:21):
love you first of all, Love you too. And my
housemates are actually in the room hiding. I locked them
in the door because I don't like people listening to
me while I record. But they're in a long distance relationship.
They first did long distance from Adelaide to Gold Coast
and now they do long distance between Gold Coast and
London and being around them and just like being I
(02:46):
feel like in my industry, there weirdly are along a
lot of long distance relationships because I work around like
a lot of models or influencers and stuff, and people
travel in my industry travel quite a lot, and from
speaking to a lot of people, and like, from my
personal opinion, if you stay somewhere to keep your relationship,
(03:08):
it's because you know that it might not last or
might not work, and you're going to go through so
many things. If this is your life person, you are
going to go through so many struggles within your whole life,
and so many things that your relationship hardship that your
relationship will face. And if it doesn't work in long distance,
then they're not the person for you. But if you
(03:28):
stay out of fear of losing them, you're then going
to resent them for.
Speaker 2 (03:32):
The rest of your life.
Speaker 1 (03:32):
As you said, this is like a huge dream career opportunity.
Do not stay in that country because your partner doesn't
want to move with you. If they want to support
you but not move with you, and you say you're
going to give it a go, then give it a
go long distance. But don't stay out of fear of
losing someone, because that you staying will turn into resentment
(03:56):
and you will resent them because you didn't accept your
career opportunity. And if you're in your early twenties, mid twenties,
late twenties, don't give up something that you really want
to do for somebody else, because at the end of
the day, the only person that you really have your
whole life is yourself, and you need to prioritize yourself.
Speaker 2 (04:14):
You need to put yourself first.
Speaker 1 (04:15):
And it's not worth saving a relationship because your relationship
will last if it's meant to last. Everything happens for
a reason, and if it doesn't last, then there's someone
better out.
Speaker 2 (04:25):
There for you.
Speaker 1 (04:26):
And I know obviously you not thinking about that right now,
but it's the truth. So have that career jump, babe,
have that career opportunity living in another city, experiencing another
way of life, because home will always be there, but
this opportunity won't, and you'll kick yourself in their foot
and always wonder what if if you didn't accept it,
And you have to go experience that for yourself, and
(04:47):
nobody else is going to teach you anything else besides
yourself really in this opportunity. So one hundred percent, go
take that fucking job, beach.
Speaker 2 (04:57):
Okay, Dilemma number two. So this is a long one. Well,
wab we love a long one to welcome.
Speaker 1 (05:03):
My ex boyfriend and I were together for about two
and a bit years. We had a great relationship, but
he moved across to the other side of the world
for school. We try to do long distance, but after
about a week he brought up how hard the time
difference has been and that we should focus on ourselves,
which we agreed on even if it hurt. Again, really mature,
proud of you for doing that. It was a best
for both of us. Now backtrack a little bit. I
(05:24):
was a really supportive girlfriend through it all, to the
point where it was hurting me knowing he was leaving,
but I wouldn't say anything because it's his dream to
live in America.
Speaker 2 (05:31):
Proud of you.
Speaker 1 (05:32):
That is really hard to do, but as he said,
it's his dream and he needs to follow through with that,
and I'm so proud of you for being supportive. I
made him a priority to make sure he knew I
was okay with him leaving, even though deep down I
was mad that after so long he could just leave
me behind. I also get that frustration, but I'm so
proud of you for again putting his dreams first, because
(05:52):
you knew he really wanted to do that, and if
you didn't, then he would resent you, and then your
relationship would end out of resentment. So I'm proud of you,
even though it was really hard and you didn't prioritize yourself.
Speaker 2 (06:02):
But it's been about.
Speaker 1 (06:04):
A month since he left and three weeks since we
broke up, and I knew I was absolutely not looking
to get into another relationship. But this guy has come
out of nowhere and I actually really like him a breath.
Speaker 2 (06:14):
Of fresh air.
Speaker 1 (06:15):
My brain is going all over the place about him.
We've also been on one day and planning another, but
I am also house sitting in his joining. I feel
like a monster that I've already met someone three weeks
after my two year long relationship as well. Always loved
my ex. Is it wrong with me to be talking
to this guy? I would always say, we both agreed
not to rule out a future relationship, to which I
(06:35):
also agree. But now that I think of, I'm not
putting my life on hold until.
Speaker 2 (06:39):
He comes home. Okay, I've got a few things to
unpack him. First of all, you have with this new guy.
Speaker 1 (06:47):
I never say, like, I don't agree on the saying
of like when is too soon to move on for
a relationship, because I just like, if you meet someone,
you meet someone and like you can't help that. But
I then say, put yourself in their shoes. If you
met someone who had just gotten out of a two
year relationship and the only reason why you guys broke
(07:09):
up was because of long distance, not because you fell
out of love or something bad happened, would you want
to pursue that guy? Does that make sense? Because it's
like you have also said that you still love your boyfriend,
and like if your boyfriend flew back tomorrow, would you
run back to your ex boyfriend?
Speaker 2 (07:26):
Like, yes, he may be really, really nice.
Speaker 1 (07:29):
But you just have to put yourself in those shoes
and be like, no, I probably wouldn't want to date
them because they're obviously not owing to their ex, Like
maybe they're using me to get over their ex and
they're not properly healed.
Speaker 2 (07:42):
And I always say you should always be properly healed
before you.
Speaker 1 (07:44):
Get into your next relationship because you don't want to
carry things over into that relationship and like almost use
it against them because it's not somebody else's problem to
fix your relationship trauma. Like, even if you got cheated
on in your last relationship, it's not that person. The
next person that you start dating was ability to fix that.
You have to do the inner work, even though yes
you aren't the one who cheated. You got cheated on,
(08:05):
but you have to do the inner work to allow
yourself to get over that and to overcome that trauma
because it's not their fault that they that happened to you.
It fucking sucks it happened to you, but you can't
use that against the new person that you meet or
the future that you want to build with that person. So,
as you said, you still really love your ex and
you're not necessarily over him, take it slow, like if
(08:27):
you enjoy this guy's company and everything like that, just
like see how it happens. But also just be open
and honest with yourself. Are you the only reason why
you're enjoying this guy's company is because you're lonely. And
if you're lonely, then don't jump into relationship just to
feel time and to feel space. You have to ask
yourself these questions and if you can't answer them or
(08:49):
you're like denying certain things, then like maybe it's not right.
But then if you feel like something's right and you
want to play it out, then like play it out.
Speaker 2 (08:59):
You know what I mean?
Speaker 1 (09:00):
And I one hundred percent agree of like saying like, oh,
don't rule out a future relationship, and YadA, YadA, YadA.
I always think when you break up, you need to
rule out the thought of future relationship even if you
do guys end up coming back together one day, Don't
ever think that. Don't ever say that because it will
stop yourself from properly getting over them and properly healing
(09:20):
with them. And like I'm speaking from experience, like when
me and my ex broke up, like we always said like, oh,
we just need to go off and change and grow
for a little bit and everything like that. And even
like when you stay in touch and stuff like that,
you always subconsciously in the back of your mind, whether
you want to admit it or not holding out or
like you may stop yourself from doing certain things or
meeting that person or doing that thing, whether whatever that
(09:43):
thing is is because you're like, is this going to
impact the future of him wanting me back? And I'm
not going to go on this date or I'm not
going to go here because I know that Johnny won't
like it, and so I'm not going to do it.
But if you guys are meant to fall back together,
what happens in your past shouldn't happen. And I don't
think that you can properly allow yourself to experience life
(10:05):
and move on from things when you still maybe subconsciously
in the back of your mind, have them in it
because you're like, oh, well, we might get back together.
And like, I know that I wasted so many opportunities
and like so much of my healing journey, like getting
over my ex, because like I would always be like,
oh well, I'm not going to do that because I
(10:26):
don't want to lead that person on because like what
if me and my ex get back together? And I
like shot myself in the foot with so many lovely
guys or like opportunities because I was like, oh, well,
that might ruin my like that might ruin me and
such and such getting back together, which is just so
stupid because I also knew that, like I didn't want
him back, but I cared about what he thought, if
(10:49):
that made sense. So I think, just like, follow what
you want, but like, also be really honest with your
feelings and don't push them aside because of the thought
that he might come back or just like a bit
of a this guy's just a bit of a distraction,
Like you said your house sitting and stuff like that,
(11:09):
Like are you only doing that because you want the
company or do you actually really like him? And I
think that you just need to be open and honest
with yourself and like I can't answer that for you,
but I'm putting those questions in your mind to make
you question it and even general about it and read
it back and then kind of come from a conclusion
from there.
Speaker 2 (11:26):
Okay, this girl goes.
Speaker 1 (11:29):
This guy I went on seven dates with across the
second half of last year, which ended due to him
traveling overseas without a planned return date. He still overseas,
but I can't get over him. We still like each
other story every couple of months.
Speaker 2 (11:41):
But what should I do?
Speaker 1 (11:41):
Do I message him or wait until he hopefully returns
home to Melbourne? Please, we are crushing out, Okay? I
think you just message him and just be like hey,
or like if you post a story of like him traveling,
being like, oh my god, you look like you're having
so much fun, and like, who's to say you can't
stay in contact and like be friendly. So then if
you want to like reconnect with him when you get
back to Melbourne, you can like pick it up. But
(12:03):
with that also be aware that he might not reply
twenty four to seven. You might not be talking the
whole time, but like, if you want to speak to him,
speak to him like you're not locked in. He's not
locked in and ended because you were traveling, but you
obviously are still on each other's mind. And I would
call seven dates a bit of a situationship. Situationships are
sometimes harder to get over because you're still in love
with the potential of what could have been, not what
(12:25):
it was, because you guys never probably dated. So if
you want to like keep talking to him, there's nothing wrong,
but you like yeah, can't get mad about anything that
he's doing, if that makes sense, because he is still traveling.
So if you want to stay in contact and like
keep up with him and like be friendly and like
have a bit of a flirt here and there, like
do your thing because like nothing was locked in and
(12:45):
if you still want to like pick up like where
things left off when he does get back to Melbourn,
I think it is like fine to like talk to
him and like be friendly and like still stay on
his mind, if that makes sense, Like still show that
like you're interested, but like you know, nothing's going in
where right now because of him traveling, but like let
him know that, like you're still interested in speaking to him,
(13:06):
and you can have a friendly chat, Like who cares,
I would say, have a friendly chat. Like there are
people that like I was speaking to you before I
came here, and like we'll still like exchange a few
messages here and there a couple times a week, but
like it's not serious, but like I still want to
be in their life and they still want to be
in mine, so like we can still chat even though
I've been over here for six months, like never saying ever,
(13:28):
and sometimes things are a bit more of a slow burn,
and he's obviously like having an amazing life experience right
now that you should still if you want to like
pick things up, like you should still be able to
be a part of that, maybe not as a girlfriend
or someone he's seeing, but like a friend or everything
like that. And if you do it in like a
chill way, he might even like like it more, be like, Oh,
she's super chill, like she's super supportive of everything I'm
(13:50):
doing right now, Like, yeah, I'd love to message her
when she gets back. I would one hundred percent like
just like reply it with cheeky story or be like,
oh my god, that food looks so good, or like
if he like puts like a men what do they do?
They like put photos up of like a fucking sunset
and be with the boys, or crazy hostel story being like, oh, like,
how's a hostile life or how's the traveling treating you?
(14:11):
Or if it's like a story of food, just be
like looks fucking bustin', you know, actually no, don't say that,
Say something like.
Speaker 2 (14:22):
Oh what is that?
Speaker 1 (14:24):
Or where is that if he doesn't like have the
geo tag, or it'll be like or like if it's
like a really nice place, you could be like, we'll
have to go back there one day. That's that's kind
of cheeky. I'm a really bad blurt, so I don't
really know what I'm doing. I really can't help you
with it. Yeah, next one, I was dumped about a
(14:46):
month ago. We weren't together overly long, but it was
my first healthy, easy, go with a flow adult relationship.
It felt different to all my others. I'm really struggling
with his breakup. It's been the healthiest I've ever had,
and no idea what to do with my emotions. All
my previous ones as edited and yelling or cheating or
something where it wasn't it was easy for me to
hate them and move on.
Speaker 2 (15:06):
This is so different.
Speaker 1 (15:07):
My dilemma is, I guess we've both said you never
know right person, wrong time, hope you find each other again, etc.
Speaker 2 (15:12):
Etc.
Speaker 1 (15:13):
But I'm struggling between my head and my heart because
I'm some consciously holding out hope for someone who's never
really going to come back. How do I really get
over that and move on? How do I stop the
subconscious feeling, even when consciously I can be logical about it.
Speaker 2 (15:26):
You know, in conclusion, I'm sad. I miss him.
Speaker 1 (15:28):
At times, I sit in hope and wonder, and I
don't know how to stop holding out hope and wondering because,
like I said, it was my first healthy breakup and
I still have no idea.
Speaker 2 (15:37):
What to do with my emotions someday. That fucking sucks.
Speaker 1 (15:40):
And I always say that, like healthy breakups, the hardest
to get over over something bad. Like if you break
up because like someone cheated or something did really wrong,
or it was a toxic relationship, you know that that
relationship is not right for you. So that's why you
can walk away from that with your head held high
and like it's easy not to go back because you
look like an idiot if you went back to it.
Speaker 2 (16:00):
But if it's when it's a healthy.
Speaker 1 (16:02):
Relationship, it's like, there was no reason for me to
hate them, and when you hate someone, it's easy to
get over them. And that was me with my last relationship.
Like nothing necessarily bad happened. It was probably a little
bit toxic towards the end, but our most toxic time
was when we were broken up because we had no
reason to get mad at each other for certain things,
but we did because we were still in contact sometimes.
(16:23):
But like the real like what really made me get
over him was that he did something wrong. And then
once he did something wrong or something that I no
longer stood for, it was easy for me to walk away.
But don't let yourself get to that point. Sit in
the fucking sadness. Cry your heart out, go on a
drive and listen. Listen to Olivia Rodrigo, Like, allow yourself
to sit in that sadness, because the more and more
(16:43):
you push your emotions down, the more and more it's
going to come up. Lay it down the track, and
you want to heal first and heal earlier, so.
Speaker 2 (16:50):
Then you don't fucking drag it out. And I dragged
it out.
Speaker 1 (16:54):
I distracted myself for so long and then it hit
me like fucking seven months later, and I was fucking miserable. Bro, Like,
I was so sad, like months and months later because
I didn't allow myself to sit in the sadness. And
I promise you, the sadness will become easier, and it
will become less frequent, and it will become smaller, and
(17:14):
it won't be these big blow ups and these big sadnesses,
but you literally, and I know everyone.
Speaker 2 (17:19):
Says it, it just takes time.
Speaker 1 (17:21):
It does, but you have to sit with the sadness,
and you have to sit with the emotions, and you
just have to fucking cry. And I said earlier, like,
tell yourself it's fucking over. Stop telling yourself, oh holding out, hope,
it's babe, it's fucking over.
Speaker 2 (17:35):
I'm so sorry. If you guys.
Speaker 1 (17:37):
Wanted to work through it and you wanted to push
past the hard part and you wouldn't have broken up,
but you did because clearly something in your relationship wasn't
strong enough and it wasn't worth fighting for, and that
is why you broke up. Do not read the same
book and expect a different outcome, Like you might get
back together out of comfort and out of boredom, but
(17:58):
do not read the same book and expect a different
outcome period, like you're not getting back together. I'm sorry
to be a fucking cunt. You're not going to You're not.
There's someone better and bigger out there. And if you
loved that person who wasn't right for you, imagine how
much you're going to love the right person.
Speaker 2 (18:14):
And just like.
Speaker 1 (18:16):
Hold out hope for that, don't settle for something that
is not right for you because out of fear of
being alone. Like, there is so much good about being single,
There is so much good about finding yourself and learning
to love yourself and being alone. Fall in love with that,
but version of yourself. Don't fall in love with anything else.
Speaker 2 (18:32):
Like hold out.
Speaker 1 (18:33):
Hope, and yes it may be hard, and yes it
will be hard, and surround yourself with friends, plan some things,
but do not go back. And do not hold out
hope because you don't want to read the same book
and acceept a different outcome.
Speaker 2 (18:46):
You'll just break up again. Sorry, next dilemma.
Speaker 1 (18:50):
I feel like this is a very dating dilemma. But
we like all love dating here, so we're just gonna.
Speaker 2 (18:53):
Chat, all right.
Speaker 1 (18:55):
I was dating my high school sweetheart since I was fifteen.
I am about twenty now. Recently just broke up and
I found out he cheated on me twice. Fuck that's
fucking heavy, I would say though throughout our relationship it
was very toxic, but I never had the courage to
leave because I loved him so much. Not that anything bad,
just an immature boy. I was dealing with who didn't
(19:16):
know what the yes and no should be in a relationship.
After breaking up, he was pretty much ringing me every night.
We still go to the same gym, I still see
him most nights. I'm really finding it hard to still
be in contact with him, even though he's my best friend.
I don't feel like I'm ready to have a relationship
with him yet, saying that I don't want to be
rude and just ignore him because I don't care about him.
(19:37):
So I just need help on what to do. I've
tried to say no, that I can't talk to you
as much as I want to and I need space,
but he's really upset about the whole situation, and I'm
not someone who can really stand up for myself and
hold the ground. What do you think, Okay, I'm gonna
hold your hand when I say this. He is just
trying to stop you from moving on. And once he
(19:57):
has healed himself, and once he's over it, he will
treat you like shit again and you will still be
dealing with the consequences because you have put his feelings
in front of yours. He cheated on you, He literally
cheated on you. You shouldn't have any respect for this guy,
and know you have so many emotions and like you
so have so much love for him, and you still
(20:18):
clearly loved him. He dated you, You guys dated for
a really, really long time, but he disrespected you. He
disrespected you more than once twice. You need to turn
that into anger and get over him before anything else,
because the second he is healed and the second he
has found somebody else, the person that's hurting is going
to be you, and you prioritized his emotions over yours.
(20:40):
The only way you can get over this, and the
only way you can heal with this is stop speaking
to him. You will not heal yourself from continuing to
speak to him, because your brain is literally chemically attached
to this man, and you will not get over him
if you continue to speak to him. Because you were
fifteen when you started him and you're now twenty, that's
(21:01):
five fucking years.
Speaker 2 (21:02):
Of your life.
Speaker 1 (21:03):
It will take a while, but you need to stop
speaking to him. And the only way you can stop
speaking to him is putting your foot through the ground.
He cheated on you, not once twice. Turn that into
fucking anger. He disrespected you. He made a conscious decision,
not once but twice to cheat on you. That is disrespectful.
He doesn't respect you as a person, even if he
(21:24):
says he does, even if he says he loves you
so much and he can't let go and he can't
lose you and everything like that, his actions say otherwise.
And think about the actions. Stop thinking about the words,
Think about the actions. A man's actions speak a thousand words.
And he did it twice once, Maybe you can forgive twice.
That's a conscious, conscious mistake, conscious choice, not a mistake.
(21:46):
It's not a mistake, it's a choice. And he did
it twice, So he doesn't respect you. Turn it into
fucking anger, and stop trying to be there for him
when he wasn't there for you, when he knew what
he was doing was going to hurt you, but he
still did it. Get out of their, babe, Get out
of there, and the second you do, you'll come up
on top. He'll realize what he's lost. He already has.
(22:07):
But that's not your problem to fix. That's his problem
to fix. And it's his fucking folks. He's disgusting. Thank you,
thank you for my ted talk. Sorry that was really
brutal and really honest, but it's the truth and someone's
got to tell it to you, and I'll be the
person who does.
Speaker 2 (22:21):
So, Okay, what do you reckon I should do?
Speaker 1 (22:25):
There's this guy and we've been talking a bit, but
I'm not really ready to date because of anything, of
trauma and whatnot. I told him I don't want to
date yet and I don't want to lead him on,
but I'm stuck because he's literally the sweetest soul. Do
we get closer and get to know each other more
or what? Okay, I'm gonna hold your hand when I
say this, and again, I'm gonna be brutally honest because
we asked for dielemadaries, and I'm gonna tell you what
(22:46):
it is.
Speaker 2 (22:47):
You don't like him enough.
Speaker 1 (22:49):
Everybody has trauma, everybody has issues, everybody has relationship problems,
relationship commitments. But the right person you will not want
to leave. He is a sweet guy, and that's why
you're leading him on because you know that he's going
to be sweet, but you just clearly don't like him enough. Yes,
you may have trauma and everything like that, but if
he's really sweet, then you'll want He won't be doing
(23:11):
those traumas to you and everything like that, but you
kind of know that you have the power here, so
you're leading him on. And it's just as simple as
you just don't like him enough, and that's okay. You
don't have to like everyone, and someone might be really
right for you, but you don't like him enough. And
like I have this person who like we've been we
have spoken for three years, and like it's like always
(23:33):
like I will speak to him for a little bit
and I'll give him a little bit and then I
won't speak to him for like another six months, and
I can recognize in myself that that's toxic behavior. And
like I had a conversation with him, but I wouldn't
ever lead him on. I've never led him on. I
would always like stop speaking to him because I recognize
in myself that that was toxic behavior and he didn't
deserve that, And I would always walk away from that
(23:54):
because I wasn't ready to commit to someone and I
wasn't ready to give myself to someone because I didn't
want that, and I wasn't continuing to see him. I
wasn't continuing to lead him on because it wasn't fair
on him because he was giving me everything I needed.
But I wasn't giving him everything he needed, so I
would stop speaking to him. And I had a conversation
(24:17):
with that and he literally said, like, I respect that
you always did that because it was it would have
been unfair on me, and it would have been and
you're doing the same.
Speaker 2 (24:26):
If you are not ready to date, then don't date.
Speaker 1 (24:30):
I haven't been ready to date for a long time,
and I didn't date. I haven't gone on dates this year.
And then I saw I was seeing a guy, as
you guys know over here, and I wasn't ready to date.
I wasn't wanting to date, but it felt right and
it felt natural, and that's what I did. And I
wasn't then thinking about it like, oh no, I don't
want to date or I'm not ready to date, because
(24:52):
there was a really good person in front of me
and I didn't want to lose the opportunity to experience
a certain time in life with him, so I did
even though I wasn't ready to date. I probably had
told myself I wasn't in the mindset to date, but
I did, because there's never a right time to date.
Like people say there's never a right time to have
a baby. There's never a right time to move overseas like,
nothing is ever going to be a right time. It
(25:13):
could just be a right person and someone that you're
willing to move mountains for, you're willing to make time for,
and everything like that.
Speaker 2 (25:19):
So I just don't think you like him enough. Yes,
he's a really good guy.
Speaker 1 (25:22):
And I've met so many good, good guys and like
good people that would be really good for me.
Speaker 2 (25:28):
But do I like them?
Speaker 1 (25:29):
No, Like, there was a guy last year at the
end of last year, and like he had no red flags,
he wasn't a bad person. He was an amazing person.
He was a really really sweet person. I couldn't find
a flaw in him. But is he the right person
for me? No, He's better off me not leading him
on and dragging him on because I knew that I
didn't want to date him properly and I wasn't wanting
to date and me leading him on would have been
(25:52):
unfair on him from finding someone who was ready for
that or who is willing to be that for him.
And I then think that you're the bad person and
it's not fair on you just because you want a
little bit of comfort or you want someone to hang
out with on a Sunday, like, that's unfair and you
wouldn't like it if someone did that to you. So
I think sometimes as women we can be a bit toxic,
and we always say like, oh men are toxic, but
(26:13):
like sometimes we can be too, and you always have
to then put yourself in that shoes and being like
if they did that to me, would I be really
upset by that?
Speaker 2 (26:22):
Probably, So it's like just not fair? Does that make sense?
Speaker 1 (26:26):
I just think like if you're not ready to date,
then don't date. And if you are ready to date,
and then you're making the excuse of I don't want
to date, then you don't like him enough to date him.
Speaker 2 (26:40):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (26:41):
I keep on getting questions about like moving to Europe,
doing like a big trip and everything like that. Some
girl says, I have an urge to move to Europe
for six months next year to work and travel, terrified
of not being able to find a place to live
or a job, missing my family and friends, and not being.
Speaker 2 (26:54):
Able to afford it.
Speaker 1 (26:55):
Please let me know any tips if you want to
have that. Obviously you need to apply for a working visa,
and I know that so many cafes and bars will
employ you anywhere in Europe, in London, in the UK
or anything like that. But I would say at the start,
go over with some savings that you may not then
be employed for like a couple months. You need to
(27:16):
have at least a right amount of savings that you
can make things work if you don't find a job
straight away. When it comes to rent, there are so
many places on Facebook. Join a few Facebook groups to
find a place to live, rent a room and everything
like that. There are so many people that like lease
their rooms over summer because they are traveling and stuff
(27:36):
like that. Find a short term lease and everything like that,
you will be able to find it. So I wouldn't
stress about a com but have that organized before you
come over here.
Speaker 2 (27:45):
And I know, missing famili is really really hard.
Speaker 1 (27:48):
Like my brother turns thirty this week and they threw
him a big surprise birthday over the weekend and stuff
like that. And like you do miss out in certain
things and miss out on your family, but in your
two it is a really good time to prioritize yourself
and if your family is in good health and everything
like that, it's a blessing to be able to miss
someone and know that people love and miss like to
(28:10):
miss them, and that you love them and that you
want to come but you will want to come home.
And like, of course I miss my family, I miss
my friends, I like miss so many people, but right
now they're all in good health, and I know that
there are just a twenty seven hour playing flight home,
And yes, that does seem like a long time, but
in the big scheme of things, it's not. And if
you really need to go home, you'll be home in
(28:31):
just over a day. And it's a blessing to miss people,
and it's a blessing to have people in your circle
that you do miss, but don't stop that from getting
life experiences and learning and growing.
Speaker 2 (28:45):
I've learnt so.
Speaker 1 (28:46):
Much, Like it feels like I've lived five years in
the six months that I've been away from home, I've
learnt so much about myself. I've come back with such
a different outlook on life. And I wouldn't have had
that if I stayed in my comfort zone. And being
in your comfort zone, yes, is comfortable, but it's not
going to make you grow. It's not going to make
you push yourself. It's not going to make you find
(29:06):
out what you like in life and what you want
to do and if you don't have a full time
job and everything like that, fucking do it.
Speaker 2 (29:13):
Just fucking do it.
Speaker 1 (29:14):
You'll be so grateful and like, who's to say, Yeah,
you want your plan to go for six months, If
you come home in three, you're not a failure. If
you come home in two. If you go for a
month and you don't even end up getting a job,
who cares. But I will always preach to everyone of
fucking doing it. A full time job will always be
there when you get home. If you need to get
a full time job, your family will be there when
(29:36):
you get home, everything will be there. Like I always
call my housemate Lily when I'm like feeling sad and everything.
She was like, Sam, don't come home. You're fucking staying
there because I guarantee you. The second you line back
in Melbourne, you'll realize that nothing's changed. Everything's still the same. Literally,
everything is still the same. Like I've gone on month
(29:56):
long trips to like America, and I've flown home thinking
that so much it would have gone down nothing nothing,
Like I know everything I go back to in Melbourne,
I'll be like, why did I miss this so much?
Speaker 2 (30:06):
Because it's still the.
Speaker 1 (30:07):
Exact same, So just do it, plan ahead, work your
little butt off if you want a plan to go,
so you have, like I would say, respectfully, have like
seven to ten k in your bank account, because that
means you do not have to get a job straight
over when you get here, and you can do things cheaply.
I don't really have advice on doing things like that
(30:27):
because I don't think I have necessarily done it in
a very money savvy way. But I'm very blessed to
be in a position where I didn't have to worry
about that. But I recognize in your twenties you might
need to do that, So I would say, have a
significant amount of savings I would say comfortably seven to
ten k, so that you're not fucking leaving paycheck to
paycheck the second you get over here, so you can
(30:47):
do some fun things not have to worry about that
and everything like that the second you get over here.
But yeah, I haven't done a little bit of a
hard truth in a long time. And I actually made
a TikTok about this and I was like, fuck, that
is so fucking true, and I just want to leave
(31:08):
on this. Healing made me private growth made me picky,
and peace made me unbothered, and that is what I'm
preaching for the next six months before I find something better.
Speaker 2 (31:24):
But it's just so true.
Speaker 1 (31:25):
Healing made me not want to overshare because when I overshared,
it hurt. Growth made me picky because now I know
what I want. I've grown, I know my self worth,
I know what is right for me and what's wrong
for me. And peace getting over those tough situations, getting
over hardship, getting over a heartbreak and everything like that.
I've now found peace and I know that I can
(31:47):
overcoming again if something is faced to me. So I'm unbothered.
I'm not going to let someone do that to me.
I'm when unbothered queen and everyone needs.
Speaker 2 (31:55):
To adopt that.
Speaker 1 (31:56):
But yeah, thank you guys so much for joining a
Little Dilemma Diary. I will see you guys next week
on heart of than yesterday.
Speaker 2 (32:05):
See you Tuesday. Bye,
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