September 29, 2025 • 37 mins
Hey girls! Welcome back to a very wholesome and positive episode of Hotter Than Yesterday - we're truly living up to the podcast name today. In this episode, I'm unpacking my latest movements and giving insight into something almost all of us are familiar with.. social anxiety.
On TikTok this week I documented myself going to a fashion show solo, not knowing anyone and in a city on the other side of the world I am from... the nerves were REAL but I was so proud of myself for making it and actually enjoying it, so I wanted to impart some ways I manage my pre-event anxiety to hopefully help you too xxx
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hi, everybody all.
Speaker 2 (00:01):
Welcome back to Tuesday's episode of Heart than Yesterday.
Speaker 1 (00:07):
I'm in a really good mood today, Guys.
Speaker 2 (00:09):
Let's all be so happy because in the past month
or so that's been very far and few in between.
My happiness has rapidly declined ever since getting off my medication.
But like, I'm feeling like myself again. Everything's good and guys,
not too alarm you, but like less than three weeks
(00:29):
until I'm back in Australia, so excited, so excited to
see my friends, so excited to see my family. Just
like now I know that my trip is coming to
an end, and I'm so content about it. And I'm
so content out of everything I've learned, which I definitely
want to dive into more. I was going to make
a TikTok about it, and then I was like, you
know what, some people on TikTok don't have my best
(00:52):
intentions at heart. So I'm going to spread it on
the potty because you guys are my day ones, and
you guys truly really like I feel like you guys
get me and you understand me, and this is like
a safe platform for me.
Speaker 1 (01:03):
So I'm going to dive into that.
Speaker 2 (01:05):
And we're gonna really talk about my anxiety and my
social anxiety because it is at an all time high
recently and I've really started to understand it, understand what
triggers it, and I want to talk to you guys
are a little bit more about it and open up
to you guys a little bit more about it because
I know when I speak about stuff I'm struggling with,
(01:27):
it makes people feel less alone.
Speaker 1 (01:29):
So my purpose is.
Speaker 2 (01:31):
To start conversations and all about that stuff and get
people on to talk about it. So if I'm going
to get other people to be vulnerable on my podcast
about it, I've got to be vulnerable about.
Speaker 1 (01:43):
It as well.
Speaker 2 (01:48):
So I made a TikTok last week for you guys,
and it was about how I attended a fashion week
show in London by myself, which is an amazing opportunity
and I'm so blessed within my job that I gets
those opportunities to be able to go to these type
of shows.
Speaker 1 (02:03):
And everything like that.
Speaker 2 (02:04):
And majority of the time, if I have like an
event or something that I get to go to in London,
I will always ask for a plus one and if
they don't say yes, like I won't go. And something
I am disappointed about in myself I've been reflecting upon
is that I haven't put myself out there enough in London.
Speaker 1 (02:23):
I'm not blaming anyone in.
Speaker 2 (02:25):
Particular, but as you guys know, I was dating someone
and he was German and he lived in Turkey. So
because I was all consumed by that, and I was
in my little love bubble and I was having so
much fun with them and all his friends, I didn't
really go out of my way to meet my own
friends and make it my own friendship group here in
London because I was always traveling here, there, and everywhere
(02:47):
seeing him, and then when I would come back here,
i'd just hang out with my Aussie friends, which I'm
not complaining about. I absolutely loved and I obviously made
that decision, but I didn't really go to the effort
to make and meet new people here because I was
making and meeting so many people around Europe, if that
makes sense. So in my head, I was like, yeah,
I'm making so many friends and like meeting so many people,
(03:09):
but they don't live in London and they're not living
in London, so I don't really know a lot of
people in the industry, and the industry here is really
really scary. It's like ten times a scale. There are
so many bigger content creators. There's like a lot more
TV stars that are like influencers as well. Like I
feel like sometimes in Australia, like if you're a TV
(03:29):
style you're in a bit of a different category or
like social scene compared to like influencers in social media.
Speaker 1 (03:35):
At least that's my opinion.
Speaker 2 (03:36):
The Love Island stars not so much, but like everybody
else but others, there's so many more TV reality TV people,
more content creators, and it's just like a way bigger
scene here. There's way more budgets and everything, like that's
a very well known thing. There's just more people here, right,
So it's just a lot more intimidating. Like I'm a
little Australian girl that you definitely don't know. Like my
(03:58):
audience's majority alien, so I kind of go into every
situation assuming that people don't know me, which is like
fair enough, but in a non egotistical way. In Melbourne,
I'm a lot more established. There's less people, I have
a bigger Australian audience. I've been working in the industry
in Australia for a lot more time. And I have
a lot of friends that are in the Australian industry.
(04:19):
Hence why like when I come over here, I'm hanging
out with Aussie content creators. Like you kind of just
go on a pack, which is just like normal. It's
kind of like high school, like you then hang out
with the people that you went to high school with
like a few years out of school, like you'll just
kind of stick together.
Speaker 1 (04:32):
And because of.
Speaker 2 (04:33):
That, going to events alone is so scary unless I
can bring a friend. So yeah, if I can't get
approved for a plus one, I either like don't go
because it's so scary. And like I would go to
an event alone in Melbourne, and I'm happy to rock
up alone because I know if not my direct friendship
group is going, like if Izzy's not going, for example,
(04:54):
or Alana or Siena or something like that, Like I
know there'll be girls in the industry that might be there,
Like I might run into Lexi, Mary or Jade or
something like that. Like, and I know of people and
because you go, you know friends of friends and the
majority of the time you went to high school with
some of these people and you'll have heaps of mutuals
and you'll have shit to talk about, right, It's a given.
(05:16):
It's kind of like going to a party. Not really
who rocks up to a party alone? I mean, if
you do, fucking hats off to you. Love that about yourself.
But like, I could never But because I have no
past with these people, have no relationships. I don't know
what school they went to, I don't know where they
grew up. I've got absolutely no clue anything about them.
It makes it a lot more daunting, you know.
Speaker 1 (05:38):
I feel like that's pretty justifiable.
Speaker 2 (05:41):
So yeah, I don't like that. I didn't go to
many events, but I got invited to a fashion show
for a brand I do not know how to pronounce
it to the life of me. It's a Ukrainian brand
and I wear their jeans all the time and I
absolutely love them. So when they asked me to come
to the fashion show and that they wanted to dress me,
I was like, oh my god, that's an insane optunity. Like, yes,
(06:02):
I would love to go. But for fashion shows you
don't get plus ones. It's a known thing. There are
very limited spots. You don't just not every time. Dick
and Harry can go. It's a very niche thing that
you just like. You don't even ask for a plus one.
So I was like, yes, I'm gonna go. I woke
up that morning so fucking anxious, so fucking anxious. Actually
(06:22):
the night before, actually days before, I was thinking about
this and I was prepping myself. But the night before
couldn't sleep, literally couldn't sleep normally. Or my aura ring
it tells me how quickly you can fall asleep normally.
I'm asleep within that ten to fifteen minutes. An hour
and nine minutes it took me to fall asleep because
I was thinking about every possible situation that could have happened.
(06:46):
Every situation you could think of happening. I thought of it.
I even thought of a nuclear bomb going off, because
that is my type of brain. I'm a crazy thinker.
I will always think worst case scenario, which is something
I really don't like about myself. I'm naturally quite a
pessimistic person, and I wish I was more optimistic, and
you have to train your brain to like rewire it
(07:07):
because I think in the day and age that we're in,
we are very we're all pessimistic. We always think of
the worst, which is just so bad because if you
think of the worst, you're gonna manifest the worst. Anyway,
not the topic, so fucking hos. And the show was
at eleven am. So I was kind of glad that
the show was at at eleven am because I didn't
have all day to think about it.
Speaker 1 (07:27):
So I just.
Speaker 2 (07:28):
Like woke up and I was like, oh my god,
and you auys might have seen like recently, like my
anxiety is so bad. I had to stop my medication
because I ran out, and getting it over here has
been quite a debarcle and.
Speaker 1 (07:41):
YadA, YadA, YadA.
Speaker 2 (07:43):
So I was like, oh, my fucking god, there's no
way I can go to this. But then I was like,
they're gonna email me. I don't want to make the
brand upset. I don't want to upset the brand. I
check my seat number. I'm A one, so I am
front row, which is fucked front row A one, so
I'm the first person in the row. I'm like, it
(08:05):
will be so obvious if I'm not there, if I
had like a standing seat, or if I was like
a couple of rows back, like I maybe could have passed.
And I was also being dressed by the brand, So
the brand probably wanted to take photos of me in
the outfit.
Speaker 1 (08:18):
YadA YadA, YadA.
Speaker 2 (08:19):
You think about all this stuff, I was like, you're
fucking going and you're gonna have to go, and you're
gonna have a great time, but like.
Speaker 1 (08:27):
So so bad. Also a little bit of backstory.
Speaker 2 (08:31):
I have OCD diagnosed OCD before you guys, come for me,
diagnosed by a psychiatrists.
Speaker 1 (08:38):
I might be five too, but I'm fucking bundled. I'm full.
Speaker 2 (08:41):
I'm huge personality with mental illnesses. I got depression anxiety.
I used to have anorexia nevosa. I've got ADHD. That's
not a mental illness, but I am diagnosed ADHD and
I have OCD.
Speaker 1 (08:55):
So, hi, guys, what elke about me?
Speaker 2 (08:57):
Added to the resume honestly, but my OCAD comes up
in first of all, in food, I don't like my
food touching and I don't like my food consumed. I
don't like being not being able to separate it. For example,
a cye bowls. I don't like that you can't separate
the mixture of the a cye bowl and then once
the granola touches the a sye bowl, it's done. For
(09:18):
me like I really like my anxiety is really hoghened
that day, there's no way I can push past it.
Some days I better than others, but when my anxiety
and my OCAD are really really high, you won't see
me experiencing with those foods. It really comes ebbs and
flows in like how much I can push with it.
(09:38):
But majority of the time, when I'm making food for myself,
no food's touching, no sources on the food. It's on
the side. I dip it in like it's weird. I
don't know why. It hasn't always been like this, but
in especially maybe the last eighteen months, it's really extreme,
and I'm now quite a basic eater because I don't
(09:59):
like my food touching. I don't like broths, I don't
like smoothies. I don't like anything that's not clear that
is touching. So that's one version of my OCD. Hi,
it's so nice to meet you, Honestly, I'm so fucked.
But another thing with my OCD is it's not that
(10:20):
like everyone always thinks that like OCD is like where
it has to be like organized and perfect, but my
OCD comes up with intrusive thoughts that like not being
like oh my god, you have to flick the lights,
which like ten times your family's gonna die. Like not
extreme like that, but so many intrusive thoughts that I
question who I am and I question my intentions of
(10:42):
myself almost like I don't really trust myself, but I do,
if that makes sense, Like I have intrusive thoughts about
questioning who I am. So like in those things, it's
like you don't deserve to be there, you don't belong
to be. They like, you're not meant to be there.
They got the email wrong, like no no, saying they
weren't meant to dress you for that should show like,
oh they mistook you for a UK creator. You're not
(11:03):
meant to be They're gonna rock up, They're not gonna
know who you are. They're gonna not have a ticket
for you, like they're gonna be so confused as to
why you're there, And I'm like questioning my self worth.
That's a form of OCD, by the way, So it's
like intrusive and it's like debilitating. So majority of the
time when it comes to those things, I won't go
because I have convinced myself of those intrusive thoughts which
(11:24):
is so sad and like really not like good, Like
I questioning your self worth is never good, but it's
so intrusive and debilitating, and I worked so hard to
get over that a lot in Melbourne that like I'm like,
no I know who I like. When I go to Sydney,
sometimes it's really bad because again, like I'm not as
(11:44):
I hate saying the word like known in the scene,
but like I have built myself up in the scene
that enough pr agencies will know my face, will know
my name. I've worked with them on emails, I've worked
with them on brand collaborations, Like I can understand that
so that I've been able to talk out those intrusive
thoughts because I feel like I've been in the industry
for long enough to understand that that's not true. But
(12:05):
because I'm new here, those intrusive thoughts are really really loud,
And that's why probably my mental health has really struggled,
and my ability to put myself out there has been
harder than what I thought, because I kind of forgot
and underestimated how much work I had done in Australia
and in Melbourne to get myself to trust myself in
(12:26):
a way but yeah, my OCD comes up in my
intrusive thoughts, where I then question myself and my self
worth and talk myself out of things because I'm like,
they're fucked up, like you weren't.
Speaker 1 (12:38):
Meant to be there, You're not meant to be there.
Speaker 2 (12:40):
And OCD also comes up in thinking that I'm a
bad person and then I'm going to do really bad things.
Saying that out loud is really really sad, not because
I have bad thoughts, but definitely when you receive hate
online for so long and so many people telling you
that you're a shit person, and like you're just constantly
(13:03):
getting ripped to shreds online, which I have for so
many years, and honestly, like, I wouldn't change it because
it's provided me with the life that I've had and
it's the journey that I was given. But it really
makes me second guess myself because I almost convince myself
they're like if so many people hate me and so
many people literally want me dead and like couldn't bear
(13:25):
the thought of being in a room with me. Have
I gas liped myself into thinking that I'm a good person.
And that's where my like, it's like again a form
of OCD, but like, I fully think that I gaslight
myself into thinking that I'm a good person when I'm
actually not, and that you're like Sam, you're.
Speaker 1 (13:42):
A terrible person. You're a horrible person.
Speaker 2 (13:44):
No one wants you there, and you're a bad person,
like everything like that, And I don't like getting reassurance
from it because then I feel like people are lying.
I'm like, you're lying, You're lying to me. Sounds like
I just like lack faith in humanity, which I do,
but I also lack faith in myself. And then that's
when it comes up in friendships of like I love
when people open up to me because I'm like, Okay,
(14:06):
they trust me, like they don't think I'm a bad person,
they want to talk to me about things. And I
then like to be like the soulver of friends because
I want people to be able to lean on me.
But I question myself as an individual because I'm like,
why am I like this? Why do so many people
hate me? And because I have received hate, I like
(14:28):
assume that everyone hates me, that no one wants me,
that I'm not wanted, that I'm a pity invite. So
when my anxiety is really bad. It Really, my OCD
is really heightened, and I become super aware. It's like
a seventh sense, and I'm just like so heightened, so
hyper aware. I will look at anything and like immediately
assume it, Like I will read into anything, like if
(14:51):
the train tube gets delayed, for example, which thank got
it didn't on the way to the fashion show. But
if the tube got delayed, I would have been like, Okay,
someone would have hated me there and they didn't want
me there, so like, thank god the tubes delayed, because
I meant to miss the fashion show and I'm not
meant to be there, And then I'll be like, Okay,
that's why I shouldn't go, like very intrusive, very irrational,
(15:13):
and honestly not making myself saying stupid.
Speaker 1 (15:16):
Very fucking stupid.
Speaker 2 (15:18):
First of all, you're not really that important that people
are gonna hate you so much. But also it's so
debilitating because what an amazing opportunity, Like I'm twenty three
and I got invited to a fashion week show in London,
Like that's crazy, but my own brain can rationalize how
(15:39):
amazing it is and like see how amazing it is,
but also ruin that for me at the same time,
and it just sucks, like it really really sucks. And
social anxiety is something I will always have and.
Speaker 1 (15:54):
It definitely goes in ebbs and flows, like I.
Speaker 2 (15:56):
Think I'll have mental health problems for like the rest
of my life. But you learn how to deal with
it and you learn how to come and go with it.
And I've definitely realized I have really fixed my social
anxiety in Melbourne, but there's still so much work that
needs to be done and that is just something like
the biggest thing I've learned about being in London, and
(16:19):
I'm so glad I had the opportunity to come to London,
and I spoke about it a little bit on my
TikTok as well. That I've been in London, I will
almost been in London for five and a half months
when I then I arrive home.
Speaker 1 (16:32):
And for right.
Speaker 2 (16:33):
Now in my life, I've learned everything that I needed
to learn being here, and I have done so much
reflecting over the last couple of weeks, and I'm itching
to get home because I just want to start my
life with this new apt look and everything that I have,
Like I feel like my career wise, i've kind of
failed career wise, because I haven't really again put myself
(16:56):
out here enough and grown enough and done everything like that.
Speaker 1 (17:00):
But for individual growth.
Speaker 2 (17:03):
I know that I would not have grown the same
way that I would have grown if I didn't come
to London and completely remove myself from so many situations
that I needed to then look at from a bigger picture.
I'm so glad I have the opportunity and the flexibility
to do that with my job, because I'm so.
Speaker 1 (17:20):
So grateful for it.
Speaker 2 (17:22):
If you guys are looking at moving any place for
like six months, twelve months, I push you to do it.
Speaker 1 (17:28):
Like I always ask.
Speaker 2 (17:30):
My friends, like what's going on at home, and they're like,
do not worry, Like, do not stress. Everything is literally
the same when you come home, because like again I
have FOMO and they're like, do not worry. Everything will
be the same when you get home. You're not missing
out on anything. It is just the same. Like keep going,
keep growing. And I'm so glad I've pushed past it
(17:51):
and I know that I've learned everything I need to
learn at this stage of my journey of being in
London that I'm ready to go home and to apply
in the life that I'm ready to grow in and
continue to establishing because I don't know where I want
to end up and don't know where I want my life,
so I'm not going to continue to build a life
here when I just feel like it feels right to
(18:14):
be back.
Speaker 1 (18:14):
In Australia for the time being and that.
Speaker 2 (18:17):
To be my base, and who knows, I could be
doing the same thing again next year and everything like that.
But right now, I'm just like going with the punches,
and I'm someone who needs to have direction, and I'm
struggling with direction here. I'm struggling with knowing what to
do exactly, and I feel like I have a lot
more direction back in Australia, which I'm going to follow
(18:39):
because that's where my heart feels like it needs to
be at the moment, and I'm going to acknowledge that
and not push it away and follow that calling and
do what feels right. And now I'm just like itching
to get home because i feel like I'm in like
a waiting period. I feel like I'm in like a
holding cell because there's so much of me that wants
to do it, but like I can't go home right
(19:00):
now because I'm going to Paris and.
Speaker 1 (19:03):
That I'm fucking excited for. But I'm like ready to
go home.
Speaker 2 (19:06):
I'm like, Okay, I've learned so much, I've grown so much,
and I really have, and I know I wouldn't have
done that. I have mentioned on the podcast a little
bit about my ex boyfriend and ex boyfriend situation that fuck,
I'm just going to go ham. I'm obviously, I'm honestly
just gonna upload on you like I obviously. I think
(19:29):
I told you guys that I thought we would get
back together at one point, and it took me. We
were still in contact on and off for a year
and a half and all of that shit. And I'm
not coming from a way of it. I am trying
to speak negatively about him and speak shit about him,
because he is a really good person. But what he
put me through wasn't a good thing, and he we
(19:50):
didn't bring out the best in each other in the
end of it, to be honest, and he didn't want
to let me go completely. And I get that we
were each other's first love, but he through that brought
out toxic sides of us. And he's not perfect and
I'm far from perfect, but what he put me through
emotionally was fucked and just like the emotional back and
(20:14):
forth and everything like that was so debilitating and I
don't think me coming to London completely and utterly stopped
that cycle for myself.
Speaker 1 (20:25):
I learned how.
Speaker 2 (20:26):
To put my fucking foot in the ground and I'm
so proud of it because I kept I would always
try to push him away and be like no, no, no,
we're not meant to be together. But in the back
of my mind, I always thought about what if, and
that's what kept me there, That's what kept him there.
And it was toxic and it was not right and
it was not fair and it wasn't there on either
of us.
Speaker 1 (20:46):
But like, that's why when people go.
Speaker 2 (20:49):
Like, oh, you're a town pike in Melbourne and everything that,
I'm like, dude, guys like I literally couldn't go on
dates with people because this man would find and then
messaged me being like if I went on a date
with Barry at fucking like, Okay, I went on a
date with this guy the last day I went on
in Australia. I went on a date with this guy
to Gracy's Wine Room. Okay, Yes, Gracie's Wine Room is
(21:12):
a popular place I love Gracie's wine room, but we
went there.
Speaker 1 (21:16):
I knew no one in that wine bar.
Speaker 2 (21:19):
But why do I get a text two hours later
after I went to Gracy's wine room, after I came
home from the date, from him being like, how's Gracey's
wine room? Any person I would speak to you even
if I had never met them in real life, like
he would text being like, how's this person? The guy
I dated in Bali last year, the reason I pretty
much broke up with him is because he knew about it.
(21:39):
Found the guy was liking all these photos, which like
fair enough because I probably gave him a little bit
and we completely never really let each other go. And
in his defense, he never really dated anyone. And I
always like, I want a boyfriend, I want to build
a life with someone, So that's probably what I was doing.
But like, that's why I gave updating in Melbourne by
the end of it, because I was like, you're not
(22:00):
letting me go, You're not fully letting me go, so
I can't fully be open. I'm giving these men or
people opportunities to get to know me and me to
be giving you so much like to me, me giving
themselves to you. Because at the end of the day,
like I don't want to have someone who's in contact
with their ex, who has shit going on with their ex,
and then messy situation with their ex. So I like
(22:21):
completely stopped dating in Melbourne and pretty much this whole
year because I was like, I don't want that, Like
I wouldn't want that if from a guy that I
was speaking to, and I really like, so I'm not
going to be that person to them because it's not fair.
So that is literally why I haven't dated and like
barely dated in Melbourne, because it's just like he would
find out fucking everything, Like he literally would find out everything.
(22:44):
And it was like I'm so glad that like that
is now in the past and I'm going back to
Melbourne with like nothing tying me to him, like and
I can truly truly fucking say like I feel clear
minded and clear headed and nothing like nothing makes me
want to ever like speak to him again or have
(23:04):
a conversation with him or anything like that, like me
dating this guy that I dated over here, and again
like that's why I would date like so many people,
like not so many, but like I would be way
more open to meeting people overseas, because I knew that
he wouldn't find them, or I knew that he wouldn't
speak speak to them, or meet them or running to
them or anything. There was no crossroads. So when I
(23:26):
dated the guy here, that was like the best thing
for me ever. And yes it may not have lasted
long and he might not have been my partner, but
even the psychics said, like, he's going to teach you something,
And he taught me what I wanted to did a relationship.
He taught me what I look for in the future,
what I look for in a man, the way I
want to be treated, my love languages, because I didn't
(23:49):
know that, and I lost that, and I lost part
of that and everything that like I could only think
that of, like toxic behaviors and stuff like that, because
even though my past relationship healthy by the end of it,
we got so toxic when we were broken up, and
that's all I could think about. And I completely lost
faith in men and relationships and always thought the worst
(24:11):
of people because of honestly, like what he did. And
the guy in Europe like taught me to be open
to it again and taught me that like everything that
that old person had yes, they're an amazing person, but
they're not what I want in my future. So me
(24:34):
leaving Australia and coming to London first of all made
me and forced me to close that chapter because I
literally said to them when I leaving, like this is done.
I'm moving away, and I'm so glad that I had
the ability to hold my foot down because I knew
that something needed to stop and knew that this behavior
needed to stop. But I couldn't fucking stop myself and
(24:54):
he couldn't stop it either, and just fucking knew it.
I was like, this needs to stop, and I'm I'm
leaving the goddamn country until it's fucking over. And it's
fucking over. Like I'm glad Bor's got a girlfriend now,
and I'm everyone sends it to me, I'm so happy
for him. I'm so happy that he's moved on, thank gosh,
(25:16):
because honestly, I all and I said it to him.
I said it to my housemate once. I was like,
it's going to take him getting into a relationship for
this to be completely over and this to completely move on,
because when someone's moved on from me and is dating
somebody else, you'll never hear from me again, that's the
respectful thing to do, and you'll never like, I won't
(25:37):
ever fucking argue that. And he disrespected those boundaries with me,
but I will never disrespect those boundaries with him. And
I'm so happy for him. But I'm so fucking glad
that I'm coming back to Melbourne and he's in a
fucking relationship, like honestly, and like everyone there might be like, oh, well,
you're still talking about it, you're still hung up on
the situation. No, because I can sit back and reflect that,
(26:00):
like so many behaviors that I had been possessing for
the last eighteen months of my life were all consuming
and made me realize that like I was like I
hate Melbourne. I want to get out of Melbourne, Like
I don't want anything to do with Melbourne. Melbourne makes
me depressed and like yeada, yeah yeah, and fuck Melbourne
and everything like that. But it was really because every
time I would come back to Melbourne, this thing would
be consuming my life and it was so debilitating. But
(26:23):
now I'm like, oh my god, I'm so excited to
come back to Melbourne and can start my life so
fresh and so clean, like I would move house from
away from being like yeah, when I moved, like this
is a new chapter because I didn't have anything with him,
then it would happen again, and like back and forth
and back and forth. And I know I am to
blame guys. I know I'm part of the problem. Like
(26:45):
I'm not sitting here and saying I wasn't. But it
was both of us collaborating being fucked. And it took
me putting my foot down, leaving and leaving for a
good amount of time.
Speaker 1 (27:00):
To make it all sail away.
Speaker 2 (27:02):
That has been like a massive reflection about myself that
like I'm so so excited to get back to Melbourne
and just like really really have a fresh clean plate
with nothing and like to be honest, be open to
meeting new people. I've been so open these last couple
of months because I've had to have been away from
everyone I know, all my friends and family, and I've
(27:24):
the most amazing friends that I now know that I'm
going to be really good friends with in Australia, and
like I know that, like I can do that in
Melbourne too, and you can do that. You just like
have to put your best foot forward and like honestly
I'm like so content now and I'm so ready to
get back to Australia because every time I used to
go back to Australia, I used to dread that because
(27:44):
I was like I have to deal with this situation again,
like I know it's going to be back and forth
and YadA, YadA, yadda. But like now I know that,
like I don't have that weighing on my chest anymore.
Speaker 1 (27:54):
And I'm just me.
Speaker 2 (27:55):
I'm Sam, I'm like really just me, and it feels
so good and I'm excited to get back into the gym.
I'm excited to get back into work and go to events.
And just like Melbourne, Australia in general is just such
an amazing place.
Speaker 1 (28:14):
And I really really love it.
Speaker 2 (28:16):
I love London too, like I definitely will be back,
like I'm probably going to do the same thing again
next year. But just like Melbourne in summer, spring, summer
is just the best time of year, Like there is
so much going on, there are so many events, there's
so many people out, like it's just like such a
good time. Like the weather, like it's getting really cold
in London, which is kind of be nice, like not
(28:36):
unbearable cold, but like I couldn't do a winter London, Like, hell, no,
I'm not voluntarily putting myself do that. But I'm just
like so excited and my best friend's thirtieth is when
I get home, and.
Speaker 1 (28:49):
Anyway kind of went on a tangent.
Speaker 2 (28:51):
I'm very excited to come back to Melbourne, and I'm
very excited to start my new life with my new outlook,
and I really feel like I've really actually properly turned
a page, and my head it is a lot clearer
when it comes back to that, So I think my
social anxiety is going to be so much better. But
I wanted to go back really went unattenned, and then
(29:13):
to talk about how I got over my social anxiety
because tap on the back round of applause, I went
to the event, and I went to the fashion show,
and I did it. I walked in, they said my name,
they saw me at the entrance, they saw my name,
They go, Sam, how are you? The girl gave me
a big hug. I was like, oh my god, you
were shitting yourself all morning, shitting yourself all fucking morning,
(29:37):
and then on the train you literally was about to cry.
I literally thought a bomb was going off. In, like
I convinced myself a bomb was going off in the
tube and I was going to die. And then I
had no service to text my mum goodbye. Like that
is how bad my intrusive thoughts are. I made it
there safely. I'm here to tell the fucking tale.
Speaker 1 (29:54):
Obviously. I walked in. They sat me down.
Speaker 2 (29:58):
I got sat next to the like she was an
angel sent from heaven that day.
Speaker 1 (30:03):
She was lovely.
Speaker 2 (30:04):
She yapped my little head off. She spoke to me
the whole time we got photos together. She took photos
of me, I took photos of her, and she came
by herself and she honestly inspired me, and she like
took me under her wing to be honest, like maybe
she kind of got the energy that I was really nervous,
and she was like, I've seen you on TikTok, like
I love your curly hair, like took me under then,
like we went and said hi to the designer and
(30:24):
everything after, like she took me under like she did
all the talking, which I'm actually gonna take a lot
of inspiration from her, because she like she was like,
oh my god, like you're a lot more like shyer
in person than like what I realized or like everything
like that. She's like, oh, like cause I come to
going like, oh no, I'm really sure shy, like I
don't want to overstep a line. She's like, you're like
so much shyer in person then what I thought, And
(30:45):
I was like, yeah, I am, like everyone doesn't realize
like in situations that I like don't know a lot
of people, or I don't like I'm not comfortable in
like I'm so awkward, I'm so shy, like.
Speaker 1 (30:57):
I don't really know where I fit in and where
I place.
Speaker 2 (31:00):
So I kind of just like don't go over and
above and like make myself known, like I'd kind of
just rather like fall into the background, which is not good.
Speaker 1 (31:08):
But she was such a fucking.
Speaker 2 (31:10):
Go getter and I was like really inspired by her,
and she like introduced herself to so many people and
I was just like standing there. So I ended up
being introduced with people. So she's going to be my
muse and I'm always going to think about her. But
rocking up to that show, I'm so fucking glad I went.
It was honestly one of the best shows I've ever
been to. I loved all the clothes, it was so inspiring,
and I walked away from that. I sat on the
(31:31):
tube on the way home, and I was like all
of that panicking for nothing. And if you guys have
social anxiety, you know.
Speaker 1 (31:37):
How tiring it is. So tiring.
Speaker 2 (31:40):
Like I got home at like one p thirty and
I was drained. I was dead, like so so tired,
and I literally like crashed for majority of the day
Like it was so so tiring and honestly like not
worth it. And then I was thinking about things I
want to do beforehand to then help eliminate those stresses
and anxieties so I don't get myself up into an
(32:03):
all consuming like thought pattern. And one of them that
I need to put in place is no caffeine before
a social event that you're anxious for, because I had
three black coffees stupidly before that, which is so dumb.
It's so fucking stupid. Do not have caffeine beforehand. Make
(32:23):
sure you go to sleep at a reasonable time, so
then if you do stay awake for fucking two hours
trying to fall asleep, you're not fucking only having four
hours of sleep. Reduce, Yeah, so reduce a caffeine intake.
Journal the night before or even the morning of wake
up a little bit earlier to have a slow morning
so then you're not rushed. Don't leave it till last minute,
(32:45):
have your outfit laid out, take your time with your makeup,
like just really take your time and enjoy the moment.
Speaker 1 (32:51):
Put on music. I always wear music.
Speaker 2 (32:54):
Like you guys may probably always see like I'm always
either wearing my cold headphones or my AirPod max is
like on a I always have headphones in. It may
not be medically recommended to always have headphones in, but
I always wear my headphones because it blocks out my
head noise because I'm listening to music. So I'm listening
to the lyrics and the beats of the music or podcast,
(33:15):
I'm listening to somebody else talking that like there's something
going on to eliminate the intrusive thoughts that I have
in my head, to be honest, but probably not the
best idea, but it really works for me, and I'm
going to continue doing it because I don't want to
think about my intrusive thoughts, really, and that's what I do.
And honestly, probably just always thinking about is like you're
(33:35):
always thinking a worst case scenario and then now I'm
going to think about I'm gonna put into place of
like thinking of best case scenario, thinking of all the
amazing things that could come out of it.
Speaker 1 (33:46):
Speak about yourself like you.
Speaker 2 (33:48):
Were a little kid again, because we were so nice
to ourselves, and everyone's so nice to a young kid,
so like, why can't we speak nicely about ourselves? Like
I speak so negatively about myself, But I would never
ever ever speak to a child like that, or I'd
never speak to my friends about that. Like if one
of my friends told me all the shit that I
was telling myself the morning of the show, I would
first of all tell them stop speaking to yourself like that,
(34:12):
Like it's toxic, it's not going to get you anywhere,
it's not going to do you any harm. So like,
learning to speak about myself in a nice, nicer way
is something that I'm really going to implement. But yeah,
I just like wanted to talk to you guys about
my social anxiety and my OCD.
Speaker 1 (34:27):
Surprise.
Speaker 2 (34:28):
I have OCD because I think it's something that we
really struggle with, and because we see so many people's
lives on social media, it's so easy to compare and
then almost talk down about yourself. But I come across
like a really confident and outgoing person, but in my
brain it's a different world. Like, honestly, the way I
(34:48):
project compared to the way I internalize things is so different,
and it's not something I like about myself. It's not
something I want to continue doing. But I feel like
the first step is talking about it and not normalizing it,
but like letting you guys know that, Like.
Speaker 1 (35:03):
I'm not good all the time.
Speaker 2 (35:05):
I'm honestly, if you search up fake it to you
make it in the dictionary, my name is on there,
Like I fake everything till I make it.
Speaker 1 (35:14):
And it's gotten me pretty far.
Speaker 2 (35:16):
But I'm still here faking it till I make it
because something I always remind myself of is, yes, I
may not be where I want to be today, but
I'm everything I wanted to be where I two years ago.
Speaker 1 (35:28):
And it's so true.
Speaker 2 (35:29):
Like again, if someone told me i'd be in this
position two years ago, I would have fucking gone like
you're lying. But now because I've adapted to it and
I've gotten used to it, and I have these opportunities,
You're always thinking about what's next and what's bigger, and
it can be really toxic and really tiring, but you
just have to remind yourself of that and be like,
(35:49):
you wanted this, you got this, enjoy it.
Speaker 1 (35:52):
You deserve to be there. Everyone deserves to be anywhere.
Even if you don't think so, you fucking do.
Speaker 2 (35:57):
And even if you really don't think so, the fake
that you do, because the only way that those opportunity
is going to keep coming is if you fucking go. So. Yeah,
social anxiety is scared of me. Social anxiety is scared
of me, and tell me that all the time. I'm
gonna remind myself of that all the fucking time. Like
social anxiety hates to see me coming because it doesn't
(36:17):
exist in my brain anymore.
Speaker 1 (36:19):
I'm not socially anxious. What do you mean? Literally, what
do you mean? You're not socially anxious of this book
to go out this weekend? What do you mean?
Speaker 2 (36:26):
What do you mean? What do you mean besides when
a bunch of high school kids walk by, social anxiety
loves to see me coming. But that's that's okay, we
can pass that one. But yeah, anyway, I'm going out
for a dinner. I'm gonna start saying goodbye to some
of my friends who I'm leaving because I've only got
a week left. And then I go to Paris and
(36:47):
I can't wait for the Paris deprief.
Speaker 1 (36:48):
Guys.
Speaker 2 (36:49):
It's going to be bockoon soon. But yeah, thank you
guys so much for tuning into today's episode. I love
you all so so much, and I'll see you guys
next week.
Speaker 1 (36:58):
Bye you.
Speaker 2 (37:02):
To rest him,
Hi, everybody all.
Speaker 2 (00:01):
Welcome back to Tuesday's episode of Heart than Yesterday.
Speaker 1 (00:07):
I'm in a really good mood today, Guys.
Speaker 2 (00:09):
Let's all be so happy because in the past month
or so that's been very far and few in between.
My happiness has rapidly declined ever since getting off my medication.
But like, I'm feeling like myself again. Everything's good and guys,
not too alarm you, but like less than three weeks
(00:29):
until I'm back in Australia, so excited, so excited to
see my friends, so excited to see my family. Just
like now I know that my trip is coming to
an end, and I'm so content about it. And I'm
so content out of everything I've learned, which I definitely
want to dive into more. I was going to make
a TikTok about it, and then I was like, you
know what, some people on TikTok don't have my best
(00:52):
intentions at heart. So I'm going to spread it on
the potty because you guys are my day ones, and
you guys truly really like I feel like you guys
get me and you understand me, and this is like
a safe platform for me.
Speaker 1 (01:03):
So I'm going to dive into that.
Speaker 2 (01:05):
And we're gonna really talk about my anxiety and my
social anxiety because it is at an all time high
recently and I've really started to understand it, understand what
triggers it, and I want to talk to you guys
are a little bit more about it and open up
to you guys a little bit more about it because
I know when I speak about stuff I'm struggling with,
(01:27):
it makes people feel less alone.
Speaker 1 (01:29):
So my purpose is.
Speaker 2 (01:31):
To start conversations and all about that stuff and get
people on to talk about it. So if I'm going
to get other people to be vulnerable on my podcast
about it, I've got to be vulnerable about.
Speaker 1 (01:43):
It as well.
Speaker 2 (01:48):
So I made a TikTok last week for you guys,
and it was about how I attended a fashion week
show in London by myself, which is an amazing opportunity
and I'm so blessed within my job that I gets
those opportunities to be able to go to these type
of shows.
Speaker 1 (02:03):
And everything like that.
Speaker 2 (02:04):
And majority of the time, if I have like an
event or something that I get to go to in London,
I will always ask for a plus one and if
they don't say yes, like I won't go. And something
I am disappointed about in myself I've been reflecting upon
is that I haven't put myself out there enough in London.
Speaker 1 (02:23):
I'm not blaming anyone in.
Speaker 2 (02:25):
Particular, but as you guys know, I was dating someone
and he was German and he lived in Turkey. So
because I was all consumed by that, and I was
in my little love bubble and I was having so
much fun with them and all his friends, I didn't
really go out of my way to meet my own
friends and make it my own friendship group here in
London because I was always traveling here, there, and everywhere
(02:47):
seeing him, and then when I would come back here,
i'd just hang out with my Aussie friends, which I'm
not complaining about. I absolutely loved and I obviously made
that decision, but I didn't really go to the effort
to make and meet new people here because I was
making and meeting so many people around Europe, if that
makes sense. So in my head, I was like, yeah,
I'm making so many friends and like meeting so many people,
(03:09):
but they don't live in London and they're not living
in London, so I don't really know a lot of
people in the industry, and the industry here is really
really scary. It's like ten times a scale. There are
so many bigger content creators. There's like a lot more
TV stars that are like influencers as well. Like I
feel like sometimes in Australia, like if you're a TV
(03:29):
style you're in a bit of a different category or
like social scene compared to like influencers in social media.
Speaker 1 (03:35):
At least that's my opinion.
Speaker 2 (03:36):
The Love Island stars not so much, but like everybody
else but others, there's so many more TV reality TV people,
more content creators, and it's just like a way bigger
scene here. There's way more budgets and everything, like that's
a very well known thing. There's just more people here, right,
So it's just a lot more intimidating. Like I'm a
little Australian girl that you definitely don't know. Like my
(03:58):
audience's majority alien, so I kind of go into every
situation assuming that people don't know me, which is like
fair enough, but in a non egotistical way. In Melbourne,
I'm a lot more established. There's less people, I have
a bigger Australian audience. I've been working in the industry
in Australia for a lot more time. And I have
a lot of friends that are in the Australian industry.
(04:19):
Hence why like when I come over here, I'm hanging
out with Aussie content creators. Like you kind of just
go on a pack, which is just like normal. It's
kind of like high school, like you then hang out
with the people that you went to high school with
like a few years out of school, like you'll just
kind of stick together.
Speaker 1 (04:32):
And because of.
Speaker 2 (04:33):
That, going to events alone is so scary unless I
can bring a friend. So yeah, if I can't get
approved for a plus one, I either like don't go
because it's so scary. And like I would go to
an event alone in Melbourne, and I'm happy to rock
up alone because I know if not my direct friendship
group is going, like if Izzy's not going, for example,
(04:54):
or Alana or Siena or something like that, Like I
know there'll be girls in the industry that might be there,
Like I might run into Lexi, Mary or Jade or
something like that. Like, and I know of people and
because you go, you know friends of friends and the
majority of the time you went to high school with
some of these people and you'll have heaps of mutuals
and you'll have shit to talk about, right, It's a given.
(05:16):
It's kind of like going to a party. Not really
who rocks up to a party alone? I mean, if
you do, fucking hats off to you. Love that about yourself.
But like, I could never But because I have no
past with these people, have no relationships. I don't know
what school they went to, I don't know where they
grew up. I've got absolutely no clue anything about them.
It makes it a lot more daunting, you know.
Speaker 1 (05:38):
I feel like that's pretty justifiable.
Speaker 2 (05:41):
So yeah, I don't like that. I didn't go to
many events, but I got invited to a fashion show
for a brand I do not know how to pronounce
it to the life of me. It's a Ukrainian brand
and I wear their jeans all the time and I
absolutely love them. So when they asked me to come
to the fashion show and that they wanted to dress me,
I was like, oh my god, that's an insane optunity. Like, yes,
(06:02):
I would love to go. But for fashion shows you
don't get plus ones. It's a known thing. There are
very limited spots. You don't just not every time. Dick
and Harry can go. It's a very niche thing that
you just like. You don't even ask for a plus one.
So I was like, yes, I'm gonna go. I woke
up that morning so fucking anxious, so fucking anxious. Actually
(06:22):
the night before, actually days before, I was thinking about
this and I was prepping myself. But the night before
couldn't sleep, literally couldn't sleep normally. Or my aura ring
it tells me how quickly you can fall asleep normally.
I'm asleep within that ten to fifteen minutes. An hour
and nine minutes it took me to fall asleep because
I was thinking about every possible situation that could have happened.
(06:46):
Every situation you could think of happening. I thought of it.
I even thought of a nuclear bomb going off, because
that is my type of brain. I'm a crazy thinker.
I will always think worst case scenario, which is something
I really don't like about myself. I'm naturally quite a
pessimistic person, and I wish I was more optimistic, and
you have to train your brain to like rewire it
(07:07):
because I think in the day and age that we're in,
we are very we're all pessimistic. We always think of
the worst, which is just so bad because if you
think of the worst, you're gonna manifest the worst. Anyway,
not the topic, so fucking hos. And the show was
at eleven am. So I was kind of glad that
the show was at at eleven am because I didn't
have all day to think about it.
Speaker 1 (07:27):
So I just.
Speaker 2 (07:28):
Like woke up and I was like, oh my god,
and you auys might have seen like recently, like my
anxiety is so bad. I had to stop my medication
because I ran out, and getting it over here has
been quite a debarcle and.
Speaker 1 (07:41):
YadA, YadA, YadA.
Speaker 2 (07:43):
So I was like, oh, my fucking god, there's no
way I can go to this. But then I was like,
they're gonna email me. I don't want to make the
brand upset. I don't want to upset the brand. I
check my seat number. I'm A one, so I am
front row, which is fucked front row A one, so
I'm the first person in the row. I'm like, it
(08:05):
will be so obvious if I'm not there, if I
had like a standing seat, or if I was like
a couple of rows back, like I maybe could have passed.
And I was also being dressed by the brand, So
the brand probably wanted to take photos of me in
the outfit.
Speaker 1 (08:18):
YadA YadA, YadA.
Speaker 2 (08:19):
You think about all this stuff, I was like, you're
fucking going and you're gonna have to go, and you're
gonna have a great time, but like.
Speaker 1 (08:27):
So so bad. Also a little bit of backstory.
Speaker 2 (08:31):
I have OCD diagnosed OCD before you guys, come for me,
diagnosed by a psychiatrists.
Speaker 1 (08:38):
I might be five too, but I'm fucking bundled. I'm full.
Speaker 2 (08:41):
I'm huge personality with mental illnesses. I got depression anxiety.
I used to have anorexia nevosa. I've got ADHD. That's
not a mental illness, but I am diagnosed ADHD and
I have OCD.
Speaker 1 (08:55):
So, hi, guys, what elke about me?
Speaker 2 (08:57):
Added to the resume honestly, but my OCAD comes up
in first of all, in food, I don't like my
food touching and I don't like my food consumed. I
don't like being not being able to separate it. For example,
a cye bowls. I don't like that you can't separate
the mixture of the a cye bowl and then once
the granola touches the a sye bowl, it's done. For
(09:18):
me like I really like my anxiety is really hoghened
that day, there's no way I can push past it.
Some days I better than others, but when my anxiety
and my OCAD are really really high, you won't see
me experiencing with those foods. It really comes ebbs and
flows in like how much I can push with it.
(09:38):
But majority of the time, when I'm making food for myself,
no food's touching, no sources on the food. It's on
the side. I dip it in like it's weird. I
don't know why. It hasn't always been like this, but
in especially maybe the last eighteen months, it's really extreme,
and I'm now quite a basic eater because I don't
(09:59):
like my food touching. I don't like broths, I don't
like smoothies. I don't like anything that's not clear that
is touching. So that's one version of my OCD. Hi,
it's so nice to meet you, Honestly, I'm so fucked.
But another thing with my OCD is it's not that
(10:20):
like everyone always thinks that like OCD is like where
it has to be like organized and perfect, but my
OCD comes up with intrusive thoughts that like not being
like oh my god, you have to flick the lights,
which like ten times your family's gonna die. Like not
extreme like that, but so many intrusive thoughts that I
question who I am and I question my intentions of
(10:42):
myself almost like I don't really trust myself, but I do,
if that makes sense, Like I have intrusive thoughts about
questioning who I am. So like in those things, it's
like you don't deserve to be there, you don't belong
to be. They like, you're not meant to be there.
They got the email wrong, like no no, saying they
weren't meant to dress you for that should show like,
oh they mistook you for a UK creator. You're not
(11:03):
meant to be They're gonna rock up, They're not gonna
know who you are. They're gonna not have a ticket
for you, like they're gonna be so confused as to
why you're there, And I'm like questioning my self worth.
That's a form of OCD, by the way, So it's
like intrusive and it's like debilitating. So majority of the
time when it comes to those things, I won't go
because I have convinced myself of those intrusive thoughts which
(11:24):
is so sad and like really not like good, Like
I questioning your self worth is never good, but it's
so intrusive and debilitating, and I worked so hard to
get over that a lot in Melbourne that like I'm like,
no I know who I like. When I go to Sydney,
sometimes it's really bad because again, like I'm not as
(11:44):
I hate saying the word like known in the scene,
but like I have built myself up in the scene
that enough pr agencies will know my face, will know
my name. I've worked with them on emails, I've worked
with them on brand collaborations, Like I can understand that
so that I've been able to talk out those intrusive
thoughts because I feel like I've been in the industry
for long enough to understand that that's not true. But
(12:05):
because I'm new here, those intrusive thoughts are really really loud,
And that's why probably my mental health has really struggled,
and my ability to put myself out there has been
harder than what I thought, because I kind of forgot
and underestimated how much work I had done in Australia
and in Melbourne to get myself to trust myself in
(12:26):
a way but yeah, my OCD comes up in my
intrusive thoughts, where I then question myself and my self
worth and talk myself out of things because I'm like,
they're fucked up, like you weren't.
Speaker 1 (12:38):
Meant to be there, You're not meant to be there.
Speaker 2 (12:40):
And OCD also comes up in thinking that I'm a
bad person and then I'm going to do really bad things.
Saying that out loud is really really sad, not because
I have bad thoughts, but definitely when you receive hate
online for so long and so many people telling you
that you're a shit person, and like you're just constantly
(13:03):
getting ripped to shreds online, which I have for so
many years, and honestly, like, I wouldn't change it because
it's provided me with the life that I've had and
it's the journey that I was given. But it really
makes me second guess myself because I almost convince myself
they're like if so many people hate me and so
many people literally want me dead and like couldn't bear
(13:25):
the thought of being in a room with me. Have
I gas liped myself into thinking that I'm a good person.
And that's where my like, it's like again a form
of OCD, but like, I fully think that I gaslight
myself into thinking that I'm a good person when I'm
actually not, and that you're like Sam, you're.
Speaker 1 (13:42):
A terrible person. You're a horrible person.
Speaker 2 (13:44):
No one wants you there, and you're a bad person,
like everything like that, And I don't like getting reassurance
from it because then I feel like people are lying.
I'm like, you're lying, You're lying to me. Sounds like
I just like lack faith in humanity, which I do,
but I also lack faith in myself. And then that's
when it comes up in friendships of like I love
when people open up to me because I'm like, Okay,
(14:06):
they trust me, like they don't think I'm a bad person,
they want to talk to me about things. And I
then like to be like the soulver of friends because
I want people to be able to lean on me.
But I question myself as an individual because I'm like,
why am I like this? Why do so many people
hate me? And because I have received hate, I like
(14:28):
assume that everyone hates me, that no one wants me,
that I'm not wanted, that I'm a pity invite. So
when my anxiety is really bad. It Really, my OCD
is really heightened, and I become super aware. It's like
a seventh sense, and I'm just like so heightened, so
hyper aware. I will look at anything and like immediately
assume it, Like I will read into anything, like if
(14:51):
the train tube gets delayed, for example, which thank got
it didn't on the way to the fashion show. But
if the tube got delayed, I would have been like, Okay,
someone would have hated me there and they didn't want
me there, so like, thank god the tubes delayed, because
I meant to miss the fashion show and I'm not
meant to be there, And then I'll be like, Okay,
that's why I shouldn't go, like very intrusive, very irrational,
(15:13):
and honestly not making myself saying stupid.
Speaker 1 (15:16):
Very fucking stupid.
Speaker 2 (15:18):
First of all, you're not really that important that people
are gonna hate you so much. But also it's so
debilitating because what an amazing opportunity, Like I'm twenty three
and I got invited to a fashion week show in London,
Like that's crazy, but my own brain can rationalize how
(15:39):
amazing it is and like see how amazing it is,
but also ruin that for me at the same time,
and it just sucks, like it really really sucks. And
social anxiety is something I will always have and.
Speaker 1 (15:54):
It definitely goes in ebbs and flows, like I.
Speaker 2 (15:56):
Think I'll have mental health problems for like the rest
of my life. But you learn how to deal with
it and you learn how to come and go with it.
And I've definitely realized I have really fixed my social
anxiety in Melbourne, but there's still so much work that
needs to be done and that is just something like
the biggest thing I've learned about being in London, and
(16:19):
I'm so glad I had the opportunity to come to London,
and I spoke about it a little bit on my
TikTok as well. That I've been in London, I will
almost been in London for five and a half months
when I then I arrive home.
Speaker 1 (16:32):
And for right.
Speaker 2 (16:33):
Now in my life, I've learned everything that I needed
to learn being here, and I have done so much
reflecting over the last couple of weeks, and I'm itching
to get home because I just want to start my
life with this new apt look and everything that I have,
Like I feel like my career wise, i've kind of
failed career wise, because I haven't really again put myself
(16:56):
out here enough and grown enough and done everything like that.
Speaker 1 (17:00):
But for individual growth.
Speaker 2 (17:03):
I know that I would not have grown the same
way that I would have grown if I didn't come
to London and completely remove myself from so many situations
that I needed to then look at from a bigger picture.
I'm so glad I have the opportunity and the flexibility
to do that with my job, because I'm so.
Speaker 1 (17:20):
So grateful for it.
Speaker 2 (17:22):
If you guys are looking at moving any place for
like six months, twelve months, I push you to do it.
Speaker 1 (17:28):
Like I always ask.
Speaker 2 (17:30):
My friends, like what's going on at home, and they're like,
do not worry, Like, do not stress. Everything is literally
the same when you come home, because like again I
have FOMO and they're like, do not worry. Everything will
be the same when you get home. You're not missing
out on anything. It is just the same. Like keep going,
keep growing. And I'm so glad I've pushed past it
(17:51):
and I know that I've learned everything I need to
learn at this stage of my journey of being in
London that I'm ready to go home and to apply
in the life that I'm ready to grow in and
continue to establishing because I don't know where I want
to end up and don't know where I want my life,
so I'm not going to continue to build a life
here when I just feel like it feels right to
(18:14):
be back.
Speaker 1 (18:14):
In Australia for the time being and that.
Speaker 2 (18:17):
To be my base, and who knows, I could be
doing the same thing again next year and everything like that.
But right now, I'm just like going with the punches,
and I'm someone who needs to have direction, and I'm
struggling with direction here. I'm struggling with knowing what to
do exactly, and I feel like I have a lot
more direction back in Australia, which I'm going to follow
(18:39):
because that's where my heart feels like it needs to
be at the moment, and I'm going to acknowledge that
and not push it away and follow that calling and
do what feels right. And now I'm just like itching
to get home because i feel like I'm in like
a waiting period. I feel like I'm in like a
holding cell because there's so much of me that wants
to do it, but like I can't go home right
(19:00):
now because I'm going to Paris and.
Speaker 1 (19:03):
That I'm fucking excited for. But I'm like ready to
go home.
Speaker 2 (19:06):
I'm like, Okay, I've learned so much, I've grown so much,
and I really have, and I know I wouldn't have
done that. I have mentioned on the podcast a little
bit about my ex boyfriend and ex boyfriend situation that fuck,
I'm just going to go ham. I'm obviously, I'm honestly
just gonna upload on you like I obviously. I think
(19:29):
I told you guys that I thought we would get
back together at one point, and it took me. We
were still in contact on and off for a year
and a half and all of that shit. And I'm
not coming from a way of it. I am trying
to speak negatively about him and speak shit about him,
because he is a really good person. But what he
put me through wasn't a good thing, and he we
(19:50):
didn't bring out the best in each other in the
end of it, to be honest, and he didn't want
to let me go completely. And I get that we
were each other's first love, but he through that brought
out toxic sides of us. And he's not perfect and
I'm far from perfect, but what he put me through
emotionally was fucked and just like the emotional back and
(20:14):
forth and everything like that was so debilitating and I
don't think me coming to London completely and utterly stopped
that cycle for myself.
Speaker 1 (20:25):
I learned how.
Speaker 2 (20:26):
To put my fucking foot in the ground and I'm
so proud of it because I kept I would always
try to push him away and be like no, no, no,
we're not meant to be together. But in the back
of my mind, I always thought about what if, and
that's what kept me there, That's what kept him there.
And it was toxic and it was not right and
it was not fair and it wasn't there on either
of us.
Speaker 1 (20:46):
But like, that's why when people go.
Speaker 2 (20:49):
Like, oh, you're a town pike in Melbourne and everything that,
I'm like, dude, guys like I literally couldn't go on
dates with people because this man would find and then
messaged me being like if I went on a date
with Barry at fucking like, Okay, I went on a
date with this guy the last day I went on
in Australia. I went on a date with this guy
to Gracy's Wine Room. Okay, Yes, Gracie's Wine Room is
(21:12):
a popular place I love Gracie's wine room, but we
went there.
Speaker 1 (21:16):
I knew no one in that wine bar.
Speaker 2 (21:19):
But why do I get a text two hours later
after I went to Gracy's wine room, after I came
home from the date, from him being like, how's Gracey's
wine room? Any person I would speak to you even
if I had never met them in real life, like
he would text being like, how's this person? The guy
I dated in Bali last year, the reason I pretty
much broke up with him is because he knew about it.
(21:39):
Found the guy was liking all these photos, which like
fair enough because I probably gave him a little bit
and we completely never really let each other go. And
in his defense, he never really dated anyone. And I
always like, I want a boyfriend, I want to build
a life with someone, So that's probably what I was doing.
But like, that's why I gave updating in Melbourne by
the end of it, because I was like, you're not
(22:00):
letting me go, You're not fully letting me go, so
I can't fully be open. I'm giving these men or
people opportunities to get to know me and me to
be giving you so much like to me, me giving
themselves to you. Because at the end of the day,
like I don't want to have someone who's in contact
with their ex, who has shit going on with their ex,
and then messy situation with their ex. So I like
(22:21):
completely stopped dating in Melbourne and pretty much this whole
year because I was like, I don't want that, Like
I wouldn't want that if from a guy that I
was speaking to, and I really like, so I'm not
going to be that person to them because it's not fair.
So that is literally why I haven't dated and like
barely dated in Melbourne, because it's just like he would
find out fucking everything, Like he literally would find out everything.
(22:44):
And it was like I'm so glad that like that
is now in the past and I'm going back to
Melbourne with like nothing tying me to him, like and
I can truly truly fucking say like I feel clear
minded and clear headed and nothing like nothing makes me
want to ever like speak to him again or have
(23:04):
a conversation with him or anything like that, like me
dating this guy that I dated over here, and again
like that's why I would date like so many people,
like not so many, but like I would be way
more open to meeting people overseas, because I knew that
he wouldn't find them, or I knew that he wouldn't
speak speak to them, or meet them or running to
them or anything. There was no crossroads. So when I
(23:26):
dated the guy here, that was like the best thing
for me ever. And yes it may not have lasted
long and he might not have been my partner, but
even the psychics said, like, he's going to teach you something,
And he taught me what I wanted to did a relationship.
He taught me what I look for in the future,
what I look for in a man, the way I
want to be treated, my love languages, because I didn't
(23:49):
know that, and I lost that, and I lost part
of that and everything that like I could only think
that of, like toxic behaviors and stuff like that, because
even though my past relationship healthy by the end of it,
we got so toxic when we were broken up, and
that's all I could think about. And I completely lost
faith in men and relationships and always thought the worst
(24:11):
of people because of honestly, like what he did. And
the guy in Europe like taught me to be open
to it again and taught me that like everything that
that old person had yes, they're an amazing person, but
they're not what I want in my future. So me
(24:34):
leaving Australia and coming to London first of all made
me and forced me to close that chapter because I
literally said to them when I leaving, like this is done.
I'm moving away, and I'm so glad that I had
the ability to hold my foot down because I knew
that something needed to stop and knew that this behavior
needed to stop. But I couldn't fucking stop myself and
(24:54):
he couldn't stop it either, and just fucking knew it.
I was like, this needs to stop, and I'm I'm
leaving the goddamn country until it's fucking over. And it's
fucking over. Like I'm glad Bor's got a girlfriend now,
and I'm everyone sends it to me, I'm so happy
for him. I'm so happy that he's moved on, thank gosh,
(25:16):
because honestly, I all and I said it to him.
I said it to my housemate once. I was like,
it's going to take him getting into a relationship for
this to be completely over and this to completely move on,
because when someone's moved on from me and is dating
somebody else, you'll never hear from me again, that's the
respectful thing to do, and you'll never like, I won't
(25:37):
ever fucking argue that. And he disrespected those boundaries with me,
but I will never disrespect those boundaries with him. And
I'm so happy for him. But I'm so fucking glad
that I'm coming back to Melbourne and he's in a
fucking relationship, like honestly, and like everyone there might be like, oh, well,
you're still talking about it, you're still hung up on
the situation. No, because I can sit back and reflect that,
(26:00):
like so many behaviors that I had been possessing for
the last eighteen months of my life were all consuming
and made me realize that like I was like I
hate Melbourne. I want to get out of Melbourne, Like
I don't want anything to do with Melbourne. Melbourne makes
me depressed and like yeada, yeah yeah, and fuck Melbourne
and everything like that. But it was really because every
time I would come back to Melbourne, this thing would
be consuming my life and it was so debilitating. But
(26:23):
now I'm like, oh my god, I'm so excited to
come back to Melbourne and can start my life so
fresh and so clean, like I would move house from
away from being like yeah, when I moved, like this
is a new chapter because I didn't have anything with him,
then it would happen again, and like back and forth
and back and forth. And I know I am to
blame guys. I know I'm part of the problem. Like
(26:45):
I'm not sitting here and saying I wasn't. But it
was both of us collaborating being fucked. And it took
me putting my foot down, leaving and leaving for a
good amount of time.
Speaker 1 (27:00):
To make it all sail away.
Speaker 2 (27:02):
That has been like a massive reflection about myself that
like I'm so so excited to get back to Melbourne
and just like really really have a fresh clean plate
with nothing and like to be honest, be open to
meeting new people. I've been so open these last couple
of months because I've had to have been away from
everyone I know, all my friends and family, and I've
(27:24):
the most amazing friends that I now know that I'm
going to be really good friends with in Australia, and
like I know that, like I can do that in
Melbourne too, and you can do that. You just like
have to put your best foot forward and like honestly
I'm like so content now and I'm so ready to
get back to Australia because every time I used to
go back to Australia, I used to dread that because
(27:44):
I was like I have to deal with this situation again,
like I know it's going to be back and forth
and YadA, YadA, yadda. But like now I know that,
like I don't have that weighing on my chest anymore.
Speaker 1 (27:54):
And I'm just me.
Speaker 2 (27:55):
I'm Sam, I'm like really just me, and it feels
so good and I'm excited to get back into the gym.
I'm excited to get back into work and go to events.
And just like Melbourne, Australia in general is just such
an amazing place.
Speaker 1 (28:14):
And I really really love it.
Speaker 2 (28:16):
I love London too, like I definitely will be back,
like I'm probably going to do the same thing again
next year. But just like Melbourne in summer, spring, summer
is just the best time of year, Like there is
so much going on, there are so many events, there's
so many people out, like it's just like such a
good time. Like the weather, like it's getting really cold
in London, which is kind of be nice, like not
(28:36):
unbearable cold, but like I couldn't do a winter London, Like, hell, no,
I'm not voluntarily putting myself do that. But I'm just
like so excited and my best friend's thirtieth is when
I get home, and.
Speaker 1 (28:49):
Anyway kind of went on a tangent.
Speaker 2 (28:51):
I'm very excited to come back to Melbourne, and I'm
very excited to start my new life with my new outlook,
and I really feel like I've really actually properly turned
a page, and my head it is a lot clearer
when it comes back to that, So I think my
social anxiety is going to be so much better. But
I wanted to go back really went unattenned, and then
(29:13):
to talk about how I got over my social anxiety
because tap on the back round of applause, I went
to the event, and I went to the fashion show,
and I did it. I walked in, they said my name,
they saw me at the entrance, they saw my name,
They go, Sam, how are you? The girl gave me
a big hug. I was like, oh my god, you
were shitting yourself all morning, shitting yourself all fucking morning,
(29:37):
and then on the train you literally was about to cry.
I literally thought a bomb was going off. In, like
I convinced myself a bomb was going off in the
tube and I was going to die. And then I
had no service to text my mum goodbye. Like that
is how bad my intrusive thoughts are. I made it
there safely. I'm here to tell the fucking tale.
Speaker 1 (29:54):
Obviously. I walked in. They sat me down.
Speaker 2 (29:58):
I got sat next to the like she was an
angel sent from heaven that day.
Speaker 1 (30:03):
She was lovely.
Speaker 2 (30:04):
She yapped my little head off. She spoke to me
the whole time we got photos together. She took photos
of me, I took photos of her, and she came
by herself and she honestly inspired me, and she like
took me under her wing to be honest, like maybe
she kind of got the energy that I was really nervous,
and she was like, I've seen you on TikTok, like
I love your curly hair, like took me under then,
like we went and said hi to the designer and
(30:24):
everything after, like she took me under like she did
all the talking, which I'm actually gonna take a lot
of inspiration from her, because she like she was like,
oh my god, like you're a lot more like shyer
in person than like what I realized or like everything
like that. She's like, oh, like cause I come to
going like, oh no, I'm really sure shy, like I
don't want to overstep a line. She's like, you're like
so much shyer in person then what I thought, And
(30:45):
I was like, yeah, I am, like everyone doesn't realize
like in situations that I like don't know a lot
of people, or I don't like I'm not comfortable in
like I'm so awkward, I'm so shy, like.
Speaker 1 (30:57):
I don't really know where I fit in and where
I place.
Speaker 2 (31:00):
So I kind of just like don't go over and
above and like make myself known, like I'd kind of
just rather like fall into the background, which is not good.
Speaker 1 (31:08):
But she was such a fucking.
Speaker 2 (31:10):
Go getter and I was like really inspired by her,
and she like introduced herself to so many people and
I was just like standing there. So I ended up
being introduced with people. So she's going to be my
muse and I'm always going to think about her. But
rocking up to that show, I'm so fucking glad I went.
It was honestly one of the best shows I've ever
been to. I loved all the clothes, it was so inspiring,
and I walked away from that. I sat on the
(31:31):
tube on the way home, and I was like all
of that panicking for nothing. And if you guys have
social anxiety, you know.
Speaker 1 (31:37):
How tiring it is. So tiring.
Speaker 2 (31:40):
Like I got home at like one p thirty and
I was drained. I was dead, like so so tired,
and I literally like crashed for majority of the day
Like it was so so tiring and honestly like not
worth it. And then I was thinking about things I
want to do beforehand to then help eliminate those stresses
and anxieties so I don't get myself up into an
(32:03):
all consuming like thought pattern. And one of them that
I need to put in place is no caffeine before
a social event that you're anxious for, because I had
three black coffees stupidly before that, which is so dumb.
It's so fucking stupid. Do not have caffeine beforehand. Make
(32:23):
sure you go to sleep at a reasonable time, so
then if you do stay awake for fucking two hours
trying to fall asleep, you're not fucking only having four
hours of sleep. Reduce, Yeah, so reduce a caffeine intake.
Journal the night before or even the morning of wake
up a little bit earlier to have a slow morning
so then you're not rushed. Don't leave it till last minute,
(32:45):
have your outfit laid out, take your time with your makeup,
like just really take your time and enjoy the moment.
Speaker 1 (32:51):
Put on music. I always wear music.
Speaker 2 (32:54):
Like you guys may probably always see like I'm always
either wearing my cold headphones or my AirPod max is
like on a I always have headphones in. It may
not be medically recommended to always have headphones in, but
I always wear my headphones because it blocks out my
head noise because I'm listening to music. So I'm listening
to the lyrics and the beats of the music or podcast,
(33:15):
I'm listening to somebody else talking that like there's something
going on to eliminate the intrusive thoughts that I have
in my head, to be honest, but probably not the
best idea, but it really works for me, and I'm
going to continue doing it because I don't want to
think about my intrusive thoughts, really, and that's what I do.
And honestly, probably just always thinking about is like you're
(33:35):
always thinking a worst case scenario and then now I'm
going to think about I'm gonna put into place of
like thinking of best case scenario, thinking of all the
amazing things that could come out of it.
Speaker 1 (33:46):
Speak about yourself like you.
Speaker 2 (33:48):
Were a little kid again, because we were so nice
to ourselves, and everyone's so nice to a young kid,
so like, why can't we speak nicely about ourselves? Like
I speak so negatively about myself, But I would never
ever ever speak to a child like that, or I'd
never speak to my friends about that. Like if one
of my friends told me all the shit that I
was telling myself the morning of the show, I would
first of all tell them stop speaking to yourself like that,
(34:12):
Like it's toxic, it's not going to get you anywhere,
it's not going to do you any harm. So like,
learning to speak about myself in a nice, nicer way
is something that I'm really going to implement. But yeah,
I just like wanted to talk to you guys about
my social anxiety and my OCD.
Speaker 1 (34:27):
Surprise.
Speaker 2 (34:28):
I have OCD because I think it's something that we
really struggle with, and because we see so many people's
lives on social media, it's so easy to compare and
then almost talk down about yourself. But I come across
like a really confident and outgoing person, but in my
brain it's a different world. Like, honestly, the way I
(34:48):
project compared to the way I internalize things is so different,
and it's not something I like about myself. It's not
something I want to continue doing. But I feel like
the first step is talking about it and not normalizing it,
but like letting you guys know that, Like.
Speaker 1 (35:03):
I'm not good all the time.
Speaker 2 (35:05):
I'm honestly, if you search up fake it to you
make it in the dictionary, my name is on there,
Like I fake everything till I make it.
Speaker 1 (35:14):
And it's gotten me pretty far.
Speaker 2 (35:16):
But I'm still here faking it till I make it
because something I always remind myself of is, yes, I
may not be where I want to be today, but
I'm everything I wanted to be where I two years ago.
Speaker 1 (35:28):
And it's so true.
Speaker 2 (35:29):
Like again, if someone told me i'd be in this
position two years ago, I would have fucking gone like
you're lying. But now because I've adapted to it and
I've gotten used to it, and I have these opportunities,
You're always thinking about what's next and what's bigger, and
it can be really toxic and really tiring, but you
just have to remind yourself of that and be like,
(35:49):
you wanted this, you got this, enjoy it.
Speaker 1 (35:52):
You deserve to be there. Everyone deserves to be anywhere.
Even if you don't think so, you fucking do.
Speaker 2 (35:57):
And even if you really don't think so, the fake
that you do, because the only way that those opportunity
is going to keep coming is if you fucking go. So. Yeah,
social anxiety is scared of me. Social anxiety is scared
of me, and tell me that all the time. I'm
gonna remind myself of that all the fucking time. Like
social anxiety hates to see me coming because it doesn't
(36:17):
exist in my brain anymore.
Speaker 1 (36:19):
I'm not socially anxious. What do you mean? Literally, what
do you mean? You're not socially anxious of this book
to go out this weekend? What do you mean?
Speaker 2 (36:26):
What do you mean? What do you mean besides when
a bunch of high school kids walk by, social anxiety
loves to see me coming. But that's that's okay, we
can pass that one. But yeah, anyway, I'm going out
for a dinner. I'm gonna start saying goodbye to some
of my friends who I'm leaving because I've only got
a week left. And then I go to Paris and
(36:47):
I can't wait for the Paris deprief.
Speaker 1 (36:48):
Guys.
Speaker 2 (36:49):
It's going to be bockoon soon. But yeah, thank you
guys so much for tuning into today's episode. I love
you all so so much, and I'll see you guys
next week.
Speaker 1 (36:58):
Bye you.
Speaker 2 (37:02):
To rest him,
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It’s 1996 in rural North Carolina, and an oddball crew makes history when they pull off America’s third largest cash heist. But it’s all downhill from there. Join host Johnny Knoxville as he unspools a wild and woolly tale about a group of regular ‘ol folks who risked it all for a chance at a better life. CrimeLess: Hillbilly Heist answers the question: what would you do with 17.3 million dollars? The answer includes diamond rings, mansions, velvet Elvis paintings, plus a run for the border, murder-for-hire-plots, and FBI busts.
Dateline NBC
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