February 3, 2025 • 42 mins
In the debut episode of Just Life and Lemons, Ash and Kayla share their deeply personal stories of unimaginable loss. Kayla faced the overwhelming challenge of caring for a newborn while supporting her partner, Sean, through his battle with terminal appendix cancer, ultimately losing him in 2018. Ash’s world was shattered instantly when a tragic accident took her husband Matt while she was pregnant with their triplets, forcing her to navigate the grueling journey of solo parenting three beautiful babies.
This episode lays the foundation for Just Life and Lemons, a podcast born from their life-altering experiences and the determination to create something beautiful from the lemons that life throws at us. Ash and Kayla created this space to inspire resilience, foster connection, and promote personal growth in the face of adversity.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:05):
Apodjay production.
Speaker 2 (00:10):
Please note that this conversation is a big one. We
were discussing grief, loss and mental health. If this isn't
the conversation for you today, that's okay. Please join us
on one of our other episodes. Welcome to Just Life
and Lemons. I'm Ash and I'm Kayla. This podcast is
all about embracing life's lemons and making them into something beautiful.
We've had a fair few lemons thrown it our way,
(00:32):
but we're not letting that stop us. So welcome to
our podcast, Just Life and Lemons.
Speaker 1 (00:40):
Kayla.
Speaker 2 (00:41):
This is our first episode.
Speaker 1 (00:42):
I'm scared and excited. Pretend everyone's not here.
Speaker 2 (00:45):
So I'm Ash, I'm Kayla, and we're excited to bring
this first episode to you and share a little bit
about our journey and share how far we've come with
the lemons that have been thrown our way in our life,
particularly in recent years.
Speaker 1 (00:59):
There's been a few lemons, and really.
Speaker 2 (01:01):
It's just a podcast of conversations that we had been
having anyway and supporting each other. So, Kayla, how did
you get here? Tell us a little bit about your
story and what led you to being here.
Speaker 1 (01:16):
Yeah, Okay, deep breath, I guess my story started back
in twenty eighteen. Sean and I so. Sean was my partner.
Amazing guy, very intelligent, very stubborn, very bossy, all the things.
He was amazing. We just come back from South Africa.
We celebrated his thirtieth birthday, We did Safari, we did
all the things, and it was a funny start to
(01:36):
the story. We came back and you know when you
have that holiday bloat and you come back and you're like, Okay,
I'm a little bit bloated, Like, Okay, I've eaten way
too much. I said to him about a week later,
I was like, how much weight have you put on
since his holiday? And He's like five hundred grams And
I was like, oh my goodness, I've put on five kilos.
Something is not right, not right. So I just knew
(01:57):
straight away that there was something happening. Anyway, Long story short,
April Fool's Day, when I got a pregnancy test, Kayla's pregnant.
Told s He's like, ha, like I don't believe you,
and I was like, no, seriously, I I think I'm pregnant,
And off he went.
Speaker 2 (02:11):
Despite the pregnancy test.
Speaker 1 (02:12):
Yes, despite the pregnant test, stubborn Sean. So off, he
went to the shops bought me a pack of five
pregnancy tests. He's like, prove it. So here I go
peeing on five different sticks. Positive and he's like, okay,
don't get your hopes up yet. And I'm like, okay,
I'll say nothing. So off we went to the doctors
and I was like, I think I'm pregnant. I peed
on twenty sticks and she's like, you're pregnant. I was like, okay, great.
(02:34):
So we had this amazing news, not planned, but it
was amazing. And then it was only a couple of
weeks later Sean started, I mean not started. He had
it for a bit, but he started really noticing pain.
He had abdominal pain, kind of just doneder his rib cage,
and you know, typical male just brushed it off. You know,
I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine. I sent him to
(02:55):
the doctors and the doctor was like, you know, you've
either pulled something at the gym or you have cancer.
Speaker 2 (03:00):
Hah.
Speaker 1 (03:01):
I know, and what a haha it was. At the time.
Sure went back. He wasn't really happy with the whole
take neurofan approach, so we went back to the doctors,
and I think they took it a little bit more seriously.
This time. He went for a CT scan. And then
there was a night at home when he was after hours,
and you know when you get a call from the
doctors after hours that it's something. I remember it's so vividly.
(03:24):
He went out on the balcony and he answered this
phone call and he came in and like he just
had this look on his face where I just knew
something was wrong and he didn't want to tell me.
He just was hiding it. But you know, when you're
with somebody who's so long, you read their cues, you
know when something's off, and you know, he just went
silent and he stopped and I could just tell by
(03:45):
look on his face it was something. And he basically said,
they think I have cancer. And it was just this
moment of silence where we just had this best news
we were pregnant, and then it was like the bubble
just burst.
Speaker 2 (03:57):
And how long between finding out pregnant and then the
first doctor's appointment to now this news.
Speaker 1 (04:03):
It was in the same month, So it was a
lot to process, and you know, all the thoughts going
around your head, and you know, you don't want a panic,
You don't want to stress, but like, that's a big
word to throw out there, that you might have this.
So we went to the hospital and he started getting tests,
and he spent about ten days in hospital, and he
had biopsies and he had everything. And we have a
(04:23):
family friend who works at the hospital, and you know,
he kind of helped fast track him through a little bit.
But you know, it was so scary. We just had
no idea that this huge, big sea word had just
been thrown out, and we just didn't know what it was.
He had all the tests, and I guess the moral
of the story is, you know, you're not invincible in
your twenties and your thirties. Basically, he got diagnosed with
(04:44):
appendix cancer, which I've never even heard of appendix cancer?
What is appendix cancer? And we hadn't found it early.
We didn't catch it early at all. And by the
time they discovered it in the hospital, it had spread
throughout his entire abdominal cavity was everywhere. So the pain
that he had in his rib cage was tumors pushing
on everything.
Speaker 2 (05:05):
So even though you caught it early as early as
you could have, it was too late.
Speaker 1 (05:09):
It was kind of too late. Then he gets moved
straight to the oncology ward and he started chemo straight away,
and the plan was that they would start chemo to
try and shrink the massive tumor that he had in
his abdomen to then do surgery. They basically call it
the mother of all surgeries. What they do is they
go in, they basically remove every organ, they take the
(05:32):
tumor off it, they put it all back, They completely
change your anatomy and your body. It's major, and then
they do like high peck where they put liquid chemo
through it to flush it all out. So it's a
big deal. But there was too much tumor at the
time for them to go in and operate. So that
was the plan. So he would do a few rounds
of chemo and then he would have surgery.
Speaker 2 (05:52):
That is so scary and finding that out within a
matter of weeks. I mean, you've just found out this
delightful news, albeit a surprise, of being pregnant, and then
to have this bombshell dropped on you. What was going
through your head? How are you even comprehending that news?
Speaker 1 (06:10):
I mean, I think we were both kind of in
a little bit of shock. We just kind of got
on with it. You know. Sean was so strong from
day one. He was the rock. You know, he just
kept us going. And you know, the two of us,
we never even questioned him not surviving this and him
not coming through the other side of this. We were
just like, okay, like let's do what we got to do.
So we did it, and he started chemo and he
(06:31):
was working full time. You know, he was in agonizing pain.
I was working. We're growing a baby, we're at the
baby appointments, and then we're at chemo, and you know,
we just spent our lives in hospital. But he was
very strong, you know, and I was that strong support
person next to him, because what did I have to
complain about. We're trying to stay positive and we're trying
to keep going. And I think that was the way
(06:53):
that we coped, is we'd been handed this lemon and
we just got on with it. We just kept going.
Even to this day, I look back and I can't
really even describe the emotions that we were feeling because
it was shocked. It was complete shock, like what you know, health,
the just turned thirty male gets cancer, Like it's just
not heard of he was healthy, he was fit. You know,
there was no signs of him being unwell until he
(07:14):
got pain in his abdomen. So it was a big shock.
We had this great news, then we had this lemon
all in one month, and it was a lot to process,
and I think, yeah, looking back, I still can't explain
how we got through it. But you know, that was
the beginning, and there was a plan, and we just
worked towards the plan, and you know, he stayed strong
and there was no doubt in our minds that we
(07:35):
couldn't get through it. You know, we had each other,
and we had a baby on the way, and he
put his suit of armor on and off he went.
Speaker 2 (07:40):
And so individually and collectively it was no doubt. It
was just a of course he's going to survive. Of
course he's going to be fine.
Speaker 1 (07:47):
We never had a conversation the whole time that he wouldn't.
There was never a conversation. Sean was a very strong guy.
We were just like, we'll get through it. You know,
he's young, he's healthy, we've got each other, you know,
we're good. We'll manage. That was how we processed. The
doctors told us that he had terminal cancer. It was
(08:08):
a big deal. You know, this is not a cancer
that's diagnosed that has a great success rate, you know,
especially because of the extent of it. But we look
back and you know, Maxwell was not a planned that's
our son. Maxwell was not a planned baby. But you know,
we'd kind of just been handed this little blessing and
we had something to work towards and something to keep
(08:28):
us going and motivated. And I often think back and
I'm like, would we have been so strong if we
didn't have a little baby on the way. You know,
we had everything to fight for, and so did he.
Speaker 2 (08:38):
And so even though Max hadn't been born yet, he
was still that motivator for both of you.
Speaker 1 (08:43):
He was the motivator. And we had each other and
we had a great life, and you know, we traveled
and we were in love, and you know, we had
everything going for ourselves. So this was just a bump
in the road and we knew that we could get
through it. We welcomed Max into the world in October
(09:03):
and it wasn't the fairy tale little bubble that you
get to have with a newborn. It was we had
a baby. You know. That night I'm laying in bed
with this newborn trying to breastfeed, and you know, I
have a partner who's in agonizing pain laying on the
bed next to me. You know, it was a lot
to process. And the next morning, you know, he got
(09:26):
up and went to chemo.
Speaker 2 (09:28):
Yeah, so he's not just in pain though he's like
severely unwell.
Speaker 1 (09:31):
He was struggling the pain. I can't even imagine the
pain that he was going through knowing that he has
cancer in his entire body and the pain of that
pressing on abdominal organs. You know. So he got up
the next morning and he went to chemo, and I
think that's where the reality kind of sank in is.
You know, we had nurses in the hospital being like, oh, like,
(09:52):
did he go back to work? And I was like, no,
like he's gone to have chemo. And I think that
was the first time I realized, Okay, like this is
really real, you know, this is our reality now, and
having to speak out loud to people. You know, we
could stay in our bubble and get through it together.
But it was the minute a nurse was like, Okay,
where's your partner and I had to say, he's gone
(10:12):
to hospital to have chemo. You know, that was the
first kind of reality check for me. And then the
moment it really sunk in was the day that we
took Maxwell home. That evening we went back to our
apartment and they talk about baby blues and you're a
mom and everything's new, you know, and you get home
and there's this big thing that hits you. But for me,
we got home and the hardest part bringing Max home
(10:35):
was Sean when I got in the shower, because that
was how he dipped it with the pain. And I'm
sitting on the couch with this brand new baby and
he's crying and Sean's in the shower and I just
remember I just burst out crying. I was like, how
do I do this? Like the whole reality of what
had happened just hit me like a ton of bricks.
(10:56):
It's what. Yeah, And then Max was kind of our
biggest blessing, you know. We just kept going from there.
I never showed Sean struggling. I never let him see
me crying, like I just was like, he's so strong,
I'll be strong too, Like I owe it to him
to get through it.
Speaker 2 (11:11):
Which also meant though that you were hiding your pain.
Speaker 1 (11:13):
And we did keep going until it was end of
November that year, so Maxwell was a month old and
we went in for chemo one day and we kind
of sat down with the oncologist and said, okay, like
what's the plan for surgery And basically we got news
that day that they said we're canceling Shawan surgery and
we're like, what do you mean canceling Shawn surgery? And
(11:34):
they're like, this tumor's not shrinking, we don't feel comfortable operating.
We don't think there's a success. And again, like another lemon,
just hat you straight in the face. We're like, this
was what we were holding out for. This was what
kept us going. And they said, yeah, we're not operating
and that was it. They kind of wiped the hands
of it, and we're like, we'll keep going with chemo
the end, Like that's the end of the story. And
(11:55):
I was like, okay, so obviously that wasn't the answer.
We weren't giving up at that point, and we researched
this cancer and we researched surgeons and we found a
surgeon in Sydney. His name's Professor Morris, and he is
known for taking on patients that have terminal cancer, appendix cancer,
and he is kind of, I guess, the rogue doctor.
(12:17):
He'll take a chance on patients who don't have any
other option. So we called his office and he invited
us to come down to Sydney and we had to
send him Sean's CT scans and everything with us, and
we went down and met him, the three of us,
and I can still remember it, were sitting in his
office basically pleading our case. Please help him, You're our
(12:37):
last chance, and like, we have this family and what
else do we do? And he did. He said he
would operate on Sean and to come back in January.
And so that was the plan. That was our new plan,
and that's what we kept going with and that's what
kept us strong and we got through Christmas. And Christmas
was tough. You know, Shawn's cancer wasn't getting any better
(12:57):
and his pain was getting worse, and you know, we're
trying to make the most of having a newborn, and
you know, he's really trying to help me, but he
would spend hours in the shower, he would spend hours
with hot water bottles in bed. It was a lot,
you know, looking back, and I think in the moment,
it's hard, but looking back you kind of how did
I do that? It's only when you start reflecting that
(13:18):
you're like, oh shit, Like that was insane. And so
we got through Christmas and then January we went down
to Sydney and so we packed up. We were now
moving to Sydney. Maxwell and I moved into a cancer
care house across the road from the hospital and was
Max at that time. Two months old, Sean went in
for surgery and his family came down and we were
(13:41):
nervous and we were scared, and Sean was just such
a hero, like he just kept going and he was
so positive and we're all petrified, but he just didn't
show it, you know, he just kept going. And then
it was surgery day and they said to me, okay, Kayler,
we're going to open him up. It can take ten
plus hours.
Speaker 2 (14:00):
And is it the same surgery that they were going
to do back in Brisbane. They said, yeah, we're not
doing it.
Speaker 1 (14:04):
The same surgery. So the first part is again there's
no guarantees that they can even do it. So the
plan was that he would go under, they would open
him up, have a look at the extent of it,
and then they were going to call me to say okay,
we can operate or no, we won't. So even though
we were there, we'd moved, there was still no guarantee.
We went. It was Max, me, my family, Sean's family.
(14:25):
We went and sat in a restaurant and just try
and pass the time. And I'm just sitting looking at
my phone, looking at my phone and watching like every
second pass, and my phone rang and Dad said, Kayler,
we're going to give it a go. He's like, it's bad,
but we're going to give it a go. And it
was just that sigh of relief. And again that was
just hurt ale number one, you know, because we had
no idea if this was even going to work. There
(14:47):
was a lot of things that can go wrong. They
started the surgery, it took fourteen hours he was in
surgery for and then they put him straight into ICU
purely because of the pain from it. You can't just
wake up from a surgery like that. I guess you
could call it a success. They removed a lot of
the tumor and they thought they'd got it under control.
(15:08):
So we were happy, you know, as happy as you
can be in a situation like that. Sean was still
in an induced coma in ICU, and the plan was
for him to stay like that for forty eight hours
and then they would wake him up slowly. Forty eight
hours later, they woke him up and everything was looking
good and he was talking, and I remember the first
(15:29):
word he said to me when he opened his eyes.
He goes Hi, and I was like, Hi, Like it
was just to hear him say Hi was just amazing.
It was what I'd been waiting for, you know. And
we now were ready to adjust to this new way
of life. They'd removed lots of organs, he now had
a stoma bag. It was just going to be a
(15:50):
whole new adjustment for us. So we were ready and
things were looking good, and he had been in ICU.
He was about to be discharged. It was maybe a
week later, and he said to me, kaylor, I don't
feel good. I have pain in my chest. And I'm like, okay,
well I'll get the doctor. And the doctor came in
and it's just a side effect. You know, You've just
(16:11):
got pain. You've had major surgery. And he's like, no,
something's not right. Anyway, Basically, they found that he had
a pericardial effusion where you have fluid that leaks around
your heart, and did it come from opening him up?
And you know, it was a complication that we never
thought would ever happen, and it basically meant that he
(16:32):
had to go in for open heart surgery to remove.
Speaker 2 (16:35):
It after already having a major sitry.
Speaker 1 (16:38):
That was the way to fix it. They were going
to try tubes to drain it and if that didn't work,
open heart surgery and they did try. The tubes didn't work,
Sean was in pain. They had to basically put him
back into an induced coma and he was scheduled for
surgery around his heart. And we sat down with the
doctors and they said, he's not going to survive this.
There's no way he will survive open heart surgery when
(17:01):
he should be recovering from a fourteen hour of all surgery.
So we kind of prepared ourselves, you know that that
was not a complication that we had prepared for. That
was not on the list of things that could go wrong.
And it went really wrong, and he had this surgery
and he was kept in in juice coma for another month.
(17:22):
So there was a month where I was living in
a cancer house, and in between feeding Maxwell, I would
walk over to the hospital and visit him, and it
was just horrific. I sat next to him and talked
to him and not really knowing like if he would
ever recover from it. Every day I would go in
(17:48):
there and I was like, Okay, can we wake him
up today? Can we wake him up today? Can we
wake him up? And I saw him fading fast because
he couldn't eat. He's on a feeding tube. I saw,
like the love of my life deteriorate in front of
my eyes.
Speaker 2 (18:01):
And so you also didn't even get that chance to
tell him that or share that with him and discuss
that as a couple. Now.
Speaker 1 (18:10):
It was a lot, like I had to process this
on my own and you know, stay strong and again,
I've got this newborn baby back in my arms in
a cant care house. It was just a lot to process.
And then they woke him up in February and they
took him off a breathing tube and he was on
the road to recovery. And he spent another couple of
weeks in a general ward and he was struggling. You know,
(18:31):
he'd lost a lot of weight and he'd lost a
lot of organs and there was a lot missing inside
his anatomy, and you know, he had this stma that
he had to basically manage. And I still remember he's
sitting in a hospital bed and they gave him a
bottle of water and that was his weight to practice
his strength and his arms, like a bottle of water.
That's how weak he was anyway. And then just the
(18:53):
medication that he was on, like it was just there
was a lot to get used to. And you know,
we were already were like, okay, we've come this far,
Like you'll get through it. We'll figure it out, we'll
figure out the medications, we'll get you into physio and rehabs,
and like we'll be okay, you know again, like this
was another blimp in the road and we would navigate it.
And in March we went home back to Brisbane and
(19:16):
we were ready to take on this new chapter together.
And Sean went back to work like the crazy person
he was, and he kept busy and we had Max
and I went back to work and in terms of
the cancer, like it was pretty under control. And then
in June he had more pain and we went straight
back to Sydney and had a slight recurrence of tumer
on his bowls, so they did a small surgery removed it.
(19:39):
We were fine. We went back to Brisbane and we
were like okay, like we got this under control. We
know the signs, we know what to look for. And
then it was November and I finished work one day
and Maxwell went to the daycare across from where I
worked in the city and Sean would come and pick
(19:59):
us up in the afternoons. And I called him and
I'm like, we're here, and eat an answer. I'm like, okay, weird.
And I called him again, no answer, answer, And you
know when you just know something's wrong. I just panicked.
I just feeling. I'm standing in the city on the
corner of the street and I'm like, something's wrong, something's happened.
And I'm calling him. I'm calling him and his phone's
(20:20):
going straight to voicemail, and then it rang and then voicemail,
and I called his work and I said, hey, like
where Sean, Like when did he leave? And like he
left an hour ago, and like the pit in my stomach,
I was like, something's happened. So then I started calling
through around the hospitals, because he also carried around a car,
explaining his medical condition and no one had seen him,
no one had him, and I was like, where is he? Anyway?
(20:41):
I tried his phone one more time and this lady answered.
I said, hello, like, where Sean? And she's like, we
found him slumped over the steering wheel, pulled over on
the side of the road. And I said, is he okay?
And they said, he's not really okay, but we've called
an ambulance and they're on their way and he's breathing,
but he's not really responsive. And I called my sister
at the time and I said, Alison, where are you.
(21:03):
She lives around the corner from there. I said, please go, like,
please go, like he has to be okay, go and
she went and she met them there and she got
in the ambulance, and you know, she still hasn't quite
told me the story to this day, but she said
to them, he has to survive. He cannot die. In
this ambulance to keep him alive, and he basically had
a seizure and he was seizing over and over again.
(21:24):
And I was like, I'll meet you at the hospital.
And his boss came and picked us up from the
city and drove us to the hospital and again they
told us that he's really unwell. He's not going to
get through this, like this is the end for him.
They thought that the tumor had spread his brain and
that was what was triggering them. So I had that
conversation again with the doctors. You need to prepare yourself.
(21:46):
He's not going to recover from this, like this is
the end. And you know, it's just like i'd heard
it before, and I was like, it's okay, Like I know, Sean,
Like I know he'll get through. This will be okay,
you know, and you still have that fight or flight mode.
You're like, we can do this. Anyway. He woke up
and they did tell us, they're like, he's in a
really bad way. You know, his liver was starting to fail.
(22:08):
He was on a lot of medication and they didn't
really know why and it could be linked to the medication.
And yeah, his liver wasn't doing great. And they told
us that he could stay in the hospital and essentially
pass away in the hospital, or he could come home.
And the crazy part was is that before the seizure,
we had actually bought our second home. Everyone thought we
(22:29):
were crazy. You know, you've got a newborn baby, you
have cancer and you are trying to navigate that don't
be buying a house. And we're like, nope, we want to.
You know, we're seeing the future and we'll get through it.
So the day he had his seizure was the day
our house was supposed to settle. So I'm on the
phone that next day with our mortgage broker and he's
(22:50):
calling me, why in your house sett or what happened?
And I'm like, oh my goodness. There was all these
issues with the house. And at that point I was like,
just fix it. I was like, he has to come home.
He has to come to our home, like we just
bought this home together. He's coming home. And he came
home and he was there, but it was like the
lights were on, but no one was home. You know.
That's when I knew that, Okay, this was bad. Now
like this he looks different. He was different. We had
(23:13):
the palliatif care doctors come to the house and they
gave me all these brochures and you know, and the
moment I just threw them to one side. I was
like I don't need this, Like I know Sean, like
we'll be okay, Like we've come this far, We'll get
through it. You know, I don't know what they're talking about,
like he'll recover. And I think it was the only
way I could cope was having hope. That's all I had,
you know. I had this hope that a miracle would happen,
(23:35):
and like a miracle had happened all the way and
I was like, one more, We'll have one more. I
know we will. Then there was a day we woke
up at home and it was Sean, Maxwell and I
and Sean was sitting on a chair on the balcony
and again we just moved into our house. We had
no money and we'd spend every single penny trying to
buy this home. And we had a chair on the
balcony and he was sitting there and Maxwell and our
(23:57):
dog Bella were playing by his feet, and I just
looked at him and I was like, this is it.
He's going to die. And that was the moment I
knew that, Okay, this was at the end. And I
went and found the brochures that the Pallete of Care
team had left at our house, and I remember, like
the front page it was like how to know when
(24:19):
someone is dying? And I was like, I guess it's time.
I read this and everything it described was Sean. The
way he was breathing, the way he was not responding,
the way he was getting really agitated. I knew it
was time. And I think that's when the whole like
last twelve months had hit me. I was like, this
(24:40):
is it, Like I have to face this now on
my own, Like it's not me and my rock anymore,
you know, it's just me now. And that's when that like, yeah,
I had to make the phone call to the family
to say, Okay, it's time, you need to come over,
and everyone came and they said that goodbyes, and a
(25:01):
few days later he passed away, and that was that's
our story. And it will be five years in November,
and it doesn't get any easier to tell that story.
(25:24):
And I think the hardest part after that has been
everyone just returns to their life when someone dies, and
everyone returns to their normal and to their families and
to their routine. But I guess for me, I've just
spent the last five years trying to find what that is,
you know, trying to start a life in a house
that was meant to be for the three of us.
(25:44):
And it's just Maxwell, and I'm so blessed that I
have our son. Like you know, they say, things happen
for a reason, and now I know why I felt pregnant,
because I couldn't have done any of this without Maxwell
by my side. But yeah, it's been hard. Proud of
you for sharing that that was a lot. I'd made
(26:06):
a comment to him once. I remember it once, and
I said, what do I do if something happens to you?
All he said to me was You'll be okay. And
that's all I went off, you know, And to this
day I said to him, I wish you'd written me
a letter, you know, I said to him at the time,
I said, can you write me a letter? Because God
forbid something? Does? I want you to tell me what
(26:27):
to do like I need to know? And he's all
he said was you'll be okay, and that was it.
But you know, I guess I have to go off
the fact that he trusted me, and he trusted me
that I would be okay.
Speaker 2 (26:42):
All right, I guess it's my turn.
Speaker 1 (26:47):
Oh so I guess the reason we met was through
a widow page. That's how we became friends, and that's
how we reconnected So what brought you to the page?
How did you end up there?
Speaker 2 (27:00):
Yeah, it's certainly a Facebook group that you never firstly,
I didn't even though it existed, let alone, never thought
I would be part of that group. So my story
started in twenty twenty and I was twenty nine. In March,
I was stood down from my role. I worked in travel,
and that was due to COVID, and that happened very suddenly,
(27:22):
and that was a job that I just loved. So
I stood down from my role. Three months later in June,
that's when my husband Matt, and I were delighted to
find out that we were pregnant. So that was, as
you know, such an exciting time to find out. You know,
we'd been married for a few years and that was
the next phase for us, was to start our family.
(27:43):
So so excited to find out that we were pregnant.
But just three weeks after that, we actually discovered that
we weren't welcoming one baby, we weren't welcoming too, but
we were welcoming three babies. So we found out very
early that we were having triplets. And I'm still very excited,
(28:06):
but of course shocked, because you in your head, you
just think, have a baby, and that's one baby. Twins
obviously common or becoming more common, but then triplets are rare,
and you just don't really hear about it. So that
was in June of twenty twenty. Then in August, we
celebrated our wedding anniversary. I never imagined that it would
(28:30):
be our last wedding anniversary together. The following week, Matt
went out for his usual morning run, but he never
returned home. He passed away in an accident, and so
my life changed in an instant. I said goodbye to
(28:52):
him when he went out for his run, and that's
the last time I saw him, So the last time
I heard his voice, It's the last time that I
gave him a hugin a kiss. It so the last
time I told him that I loved I was broken, complete,
(29:14):
shallow a person time. I just wanted to hide from everyone.
I want to hide from everyone. I want to tide
from everything around me. The morning of that accident is
so vivid for me, but I'm still working through that.
(29:42):
It's a lot of trauma. I'm just not ready to
talk about it, and I'm still trying to process it
in my own head and to be honest, I think
that's going to take some time for me to get
my thoughts around what happened. And yeah, what happened after
I saw that that morning, But and then I think
(30:02):
it was the following week. I was twenty weeks pregnant.
I felt unwell. Mum was actually driving me to a
polaratees class cause I thought going back to polates would
be good for me. I'm not sure I was really
ready to be going back to Polartis, but it was
a pregnancy class and I thought maybe this would be
good to clear my head. I remember telling her that
(30:24):
I felt unwell and that I was gonna vomit, and
she pulled over and I collapsed out of the side
of the car and was just violently vomiting on the
side of the road. Really scared mom. I remember her
being really stressed and I just looked at her. I said,
something's wrong. I remember getting into an ambulance and they
(30:46):
took me to the hospital and they were monitoring me
and they said, look, we're not really sure what happened,
but the babies are safe, and I said that's all
I care about. I can deal with anything else like
it is if they're safe, I'm good. And I was
really similar to you in having this mentality of kind
of she'll be right, I'll be right. You know, this
is nothing like I've dealt with this. This is kind
(31:10):
of an easy bit. But the scariest bit of that
was I remember my midwife saying to me, Ash, just
get to twenty four weeks. We can work with twenty
four weeks. You know. I look back now and I
truly don't know how I did it. And the only
(31:31):
thing that I can come up with the only thing
that I can come up with for that is that
I just think that Matt was with me in the background,
and that he was guiding me or supporting me, and
you know, making sure that everything was okay. So that
(31:52):
was twenty four weeks pregnant. Somehow I managed to get
to thirty four weeks, so that ten weeks was I'm
pretty sure I was numb most of that time.
Speaker 1 (32:06):
I was.
Speaker 2 (32:08):
Physically here, but mentally I was and emotionally I was
struggling and I was in a bad way. But I
made it to thirty four weeks. So our babies were
born in January twenty one, and I was somewhat relieved
to escape twenty twenty and just to enter the early
stages of twenty one, so a new year. And now
Obstetricians still tells me, actually she said, I genuinely don't
(32:32):
know how that happened, and so it was a relief,
but yeah, it's our Obsitrician still says that. She said,
I actually can't explain this, and I just believe that
Matt was making sure that they were safe. The birth
of our little trio was emotional and traumatic. So had
(33:01):
my mum with me, but optimally I was doing it
on my own. So I was giving birth to our
family knowing that our family was already broken before it
had started, and that was excruciatingly painful, and I was
(33:26):
numb and paralyzed with fear at the same time. So
it was a very confusing feeling. When the babies were
born via c section, I remember them holding the babies
up so I saw their faces and then was it.
All three of our babies were then resuscitated and rushed
to neak you. So it was not the delivery that
(33:50):
you think of giving birth and then getting to have
your baby on your chest and starting to form that
bond and hold them and you know, have that connection,
and so we spent thirty seven days in hospital, but
thirty seven days of pain. So that was the start
(34:10):
of our journey. And then bringing their babies home to
our family home, which felt empty because Matt wasn't there.
So they've never seen their dad, heard his voice, they've
(34:32):
never been able to hold his arms and give him
a cuddle. So that's been the last four years of
attempting to process that. Had a lot of fear for
the baby's health, and it's like they've never been exposed
to anything. There's a lot of control around germs and
protecting all of the babies in Ninku, so I was
(34:52):
also terrified of that. I was paranoid about them getting unwell.
So I was really fearful to enter the outside world
again because also in that hospital environment, they are so
strict and they have to be. But that was then
ingrained in me, so a lot of our family and
friends they didn't know that. So I was paranoid and
(35:13):
hyper vigilant about anything and everything. So there was a
lot of fear that I was carrying. And there was
also a lot of fear because I know that life
can change in a split second. I remember lying in
that and the bed's empty beside me. So it's fear, sadness,
(35:36):
all of it.
Speaker 1 (35:38):
I think that's one of the hardest pills to swallow
in this whole journey for both of us. It's this
expectation and this normality that you surrounded with about the
white picket fans, and when you have kids and families
and they look a certain way, and you know, social
media doesn't help when you see all the you know,
you see the perfect parts on social media, but that's
what you see every day, and you know, it's hard
(35:59):
to come to terms with the fact that your life
doesn't look like that anymore.
Speaker 2 (36:03):
Absolutely, And it's not always just the highlights reel on
Instagram or whatever, but it's the stories that you hear
people sharing, or you know, I go to parks and
I see a dad teaching his children to ride their bikes.
So it's not necessarily always the milestones or the photos.
(36:24):
It's everywhere, and it is that reminder that we are
so far from that.
Speaker 1 (36:32):
And I think that's our driving force as well. People
always be like, oh, you look like you've got everything together.
You're managing so well, you're coping so well, And I
think that's a hard thing for someone to say to you.
But the reason we do that is because we're doing
it for them. They didn't get the opportunity to have
these lives and do all the things with the kids.
So I feel, for sure, I don't have any reason
(36:54):
to be at home sad, and I don't have any
reason to be at home feeling sorry for myself. I've
been blessed with a life that he never got to
live anymore. And you know, yes, you have your days
and bad things always happened, but you know, in my
mind now I'm like, I do it for him. I
do it for him, and I do it for Maxwell,
and it's what gets me up every day. And when
(37:15):
we connected, we found out that we live eight minutes
away from one another, and it's just again. I think
that's what sparked the idea of this podcast, is we're
not alone, and there's people that are in Arm's reach
going through something similar, whether it's trauma of their partner
or loss or anything. You know, we're all in this
(37:36):
together and we've all got our own stories. And it's
crazy how the world reconnects people who knew each other
when they need it most.
Speaker 2 (37:45):
And that was exactly how we came to me because
initially for me, and everyone going through grief or trauma
has their own way of getting that support. Initially for
me it was psychology. And then I went through a
phase of buying books and I spent so much money
on book typeia, When am I going to read these books?
I'm the right time. But that was a coping strategy
(38:06):
for me, and I had identified that and I was like,
it doesn't matter. I just if that's what I need
to do, if that's what is going to make me
feel like, and you know, I'd read a couple of
pages and that would be it, and I'd put the
book away. So I was going through these coping strategies
I suppose to find what was working. And you know,
I had heard about this Facebook group and a couple
of friends had suggested it to me, and I was
like it was a firm No. I was like, I
(38:27):
cannot even like, I'm devastated to know that a group
like that exists, and then even further heartbroken to know
that I'm now part of this club and like a
club that you never ever want to be, you know,
because it's also for me the word widow like feels old,
like you should be an old lady when you lose
your husband. You shouldn't be twenty nine and pregnant with triplets.
(38:48):
You know, that's the start of our life and our family.
So i'd sort of somewhat reluctantly joined this Facebook group,
but I was like, oh, maybe I'm ready, and I
joined this group and I didn't get involved. I didn't
say anything. I didn't I wasn't even reading the post.
I was just part of it, and I didn't want to.
And then there must have been a notification that had
come up about organizing a catch up, and you know,
(39:10):
a few girls commenting, and I remember seeing your name
pop up and I saw the name and I went, kaylor,
I know that name and I recognized it. And that's
when I reached out to you in a private message
because I was so fragile and I was not ready
to contact to you know, via the page. But I
sent you a message and I remember saying I felt
(39:31):
so awkward. I was like what am I doing? And
I messaged you saying I think we used to work together,
and I was asking, you know, can you tell me
a little bit about the group. I'm not really sure
if I'm ready, And you were so kind in saying, well,
why don't we just catch up, you know, let's not
do the whole group thing. Why don't we just catch
up in you know, the playground and we'll just meet
and you can ask me all questions about the group.
(39:52):
And that's when we did realize that we had worked together.
And just recently we've figured out the timings and it's like, well,
actually hired you. So I was your post.
Speaker 1 (40:01):
What a great hire, great hire.
Speaker 2 (40:04):
See, I knew you'd out. So twelve years ago we
met and now we've reconnected through this Facebook group and
sadly through our loss, which is now the bond that
we share. We know what we've been through and the
support that we've given each other, and we just get it.
And so it's that joy that I think is really
(40:25):
what we connect on as well, is that we often
talk about the pain and the realities that we are
facing on the daily, but the real desire to create
joy and have those fun moments and it never takes
away from the loss or the absence of Sean and Matt.
But I guess that's really what was coming out when
(40:46):
we were having our chats at home and you know,
the way that we've become such good friends. The kids
now adore each other and we've created this really special
friendship and that I think is really where it comes
down to, is the desire for more and the desire
for joy. So we've been through hell and we I've
still creating that life, and we have such a desire
(41:07):
to find that joy again and create it for ourselves
and for our kids. You know, I guess it's like
we've had a fair few lemons thrown it our way,
but we're not letting that stop us. And you know,
we don't want this podcast to be sad, but it's
showing that resilience in the strength and sharing parts of
our story to say, yeah, that we've come through the
(41:28):
other side and that's still a work in progress, but
that's what we want for ourselves and for our family.
Speaker 1 (41:33):
Our stories are pretty heavy, but I think what we
can take away from it is you can embrace life's
lemons through connection and storytelling. And I think that's the
purpose and the mission of Just Life and Lemons.
Speaker 2 (41:45):
If you loved this episode, please don't keep it a secret,
Share it with a friend on social media, and tag
us at just Life and Lemons. Please click the follow
button and leave us a review. Just Life and Lemons
is not a mental health service or a substitute for
professional mental health advice, treatment, or assessment. Any conversations in
this podcast are general in nature. If you are struggling,
(42:07):
please see a healthcare professional or call Lifeline on one
three one one one four
Apodjay production.
Speaker 2 (00:10):
Please note that this conversation is a big one. We
were discussing grief, loss and mental health. If this isn't
the conversation for you today, that's okay. Please join us
on one of our other episodes. Welcome to Just Life
and Lemons. I'm Ash and I'm Kayla. This podcast is
all about embracing life's lemons and making them into something beautiful.
We've had a fair few lemons thrown it our way,
(00:32):
but we're not letting that stop us. So welcome to
our podcast, Just Life and Lemons.
Speaker 1 (00:40):
Kayla.
Speaker 2 (00:41):
This is our first episode.
Speaker 1 (00:42):
I'm scared and excited. Pretend everyone's not here.
Speaker 2 (00:45):
So I'm Ash, I'm Kayla, and we're excited to bring
this first episode to you and share a little bit
about our journey and share how far we've come with
the lemons that have been thrown our way in our life,
particularly in recent years.
Speaker 1 (00:59):
There's been a few lemons, and really.
Speaker 2 (01:01):
It's just a podcast of conversations that we had been
having anyway and supporting each other. So, Kayla, how did
you get here? Tell us a little bit about your
story and what led you to being here.
Speaker 1 (01:16):
Yeah, Okay, deep breath, I guess my story started back
in twenty eighteen. Sean and I so. Sean was my partner.
Amazing guy, very intelligent, very stubborn, very bossy, all the things.
He was amazing. We just come back from South Africa.
We celebrated his thirtieth birthday, We did Safari, we did
all the things, and it was a funny start to
(01:36):
the story. We came back and you know when you
have that holiday bloat and you come back and you're like, Okay,
I'm a little bit bloated, Like, Okay, I've eaten way
too much. I said to him about a week later,
I was like, how much weight have you put on
since his holiday? And He's like five hundred grams And
I was like, oh my goodness, I've put on five kilos.
Something is not right, not right. So I just knew
(01:57):
straight away that there was something happening. Anyway, Long story short,
April Fool's Day, when I got a pregnancy test, Kayla's pregnant.
Told s He's like, ha, like I don't believe you,
and I was like, no, seriously, I I think I'm pregnant,
And off he went.
Speaker 2 (02:11):
Despite the pregnancy test.
Speaker 1 (02:12):
Yes, despite the pregnant test, stubborn Sean. So off, he
went to the shops bought me a pack of five
pregnancy tests. He's like, prove it. So here I go
peeing on five different sticks. Positive and he's like, okay,
don't get your hopes up yet. And I'm like, okay,
I'll say nothing. So off we went to the doctors
and I was like, I think I'm pregnant. I peed
on twenty sticks and she's like, you're pregnant. I was like, okay, great.
(02:34):
So we had this amazing news, not planned, but it
was amazing. And then it was only a couple of
weeks later Sean started, I mean not started. He had
it for a bit, but he started really noticing pain.
He had abdominal pain, kind of just doneder his rib cage,
and you know, typical male just brushed it off. You know,
I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine. I sent him to
(02:55):
the doctors and the doctor was like, you know, you've
either pulled something at the gym or you have cancer.
Speaker 2 (03:00):
Hah.
Speaker 1 (03:01):
I know, and what a haha it was. At the time.
Sure went back. He wasn't really happy with the whole
take neurofan approach, so we went back to the doctors,
and I think they took it a little bit more seriously.
This time. He went for a CT scan. And then
there was a night at home when he was after hours,
and you know when you get a call from the
doctors after hours that it's something. I remember it's so vividly.
(03:24):
He went out on the balcony and he answered this
phone call and he came in and like he just
had this look on his face where I just knew
something was wrong and he didn't want to tell me.
He just was hiding it. But you know, when you're
with somebody who's so long, you read their cues, you
know when something's off, and you know, he just went
silent and he stopped and I could just tell by
(03:45):
look on his face it was something. And he basically said,
they think I have cancer. And it was just this
moment of silence where we just had this best news
we were pregnant, and then it was like the bubble
just burst.
Speaker 2 (03:57):
And how long between finding out pregnant and then the
first doctor's appointment to now this news.
Speaker 1 (04:03):
It was in the same month, So it was a
lot to process, and you know, all the thoughts going
around your head, and you know, you don't want a panic,
You don't want to stress, but like, that's a big
word to throw out there, that you might have this.
So we went to the hospital and he started getting tests,
and he spent about ten days in hospital, and he
had biopsies and he had everything. And we have a
(04:23):
family friend who works at the hospital, and you know,
he kind of helped fast track him through a little bit.
But you know, it was so scary. We just had
no idea that this huge, big sea word had just
been thrown out, and we just didn't know what it was.
He had all the tests, and I guess the moral
of the story is, you know, you're not invincible in
your twenties and your thirties. Basically, he got diagnosed with
(04:44):
appendix cancer, which I've never even heard of appendix cancer?
What is appendix cancer? And we hadn't found it early.
We didn't catch it early at all. And by the
time they discovered it in the hospital, it had spread
throughout his entire abdominal cavity was everywhere. So the pain
that he had in his rib cage was tumors pushing
on everything.
Speaker 2 (05:05):
So even though you caught it early as early as
you could have, it was too late.
Speaker 1 (05:09):
It was kind of too late. Then he gets moved
straight to the oncology ward and he started chemo straight away,
and the plan was that they would start chemo to
try and shrink the massive tumor that he had in
his abdomen to then do surgery. They basically call it
the mother of all surgeries. What they do is they
go in, they basically remove every organ, they take the
(05:32):
tumor off it, they put it all back, They completely
change your anatomy and your body. It's major, and then
they do like high peck where they put liquid chemo
through it to flush it all out. So it's a
big deal. But there was too much tumor at the
time for them to go in and operate. So that
was the plan. So he would do a few rounds
of chemo and then he would have surgery.
Speaker 2 (05:52):
That is so scary and finding that out within a
matter of weeks. I mean, you've just found out this
delightful news, albeit a surprise, of being pregnant, and then
to have this bombshell dropped on you. What was going
through your head? How are you even comprehending that news?
Speaker 1 (06:10):
I mean, I think we were both kind of in
a little bit of shock. We just kind of got
on with it. You know. Sean was so strong from
day one. He was the rock. You know, he just
kept us going. And you know, the two of us,
we never even questioned him not surviving this and him
not coming through the other side of this. We were
just like, okay, like let's do what we got to do.
So we did it, and he started chemo and he
(06:31):
was working full time. You know, he was in agonizing pain.
I was working. We're growing a baby, we're at the
baby appointments, and then we're at chemo, and you know,
we just spent our lives in hospital. But he was
very strong, you know, and I was that strong support
person next to him, because what did I have to
complain about. We're trying to stay positive and we're trying
to keep going. And I think that was the way
(06:53):
that we coped, is we'd been handed this lemon and
we just got on with it. We just kept going.
Even to this day, I look back and I can't
really even describe the emotions that we were feeling because
it was shocked. It was complete shock, like what you know, health,
the just turned thirty male gets cancer, Like it's just
not heard of he was healthy, he was fit. You know,
there was no signs of him being unwell until he
(07:14):
got pain in his abdomen. So it was a big shock.
We had this great news, then we had this lemon
all in one month, and it was a lot to process,
and I think, yeah, looking back, I still can't explain
how we got through it. But you know, that was
the beginning, and there was a plan, and we just
worked towards the plan, and you know, he stayed strong
and there was no doubt in our minds that we
(07:35):
couldn't get through it. You know, we had each other,
and we had a baby on the way, and he
put his suit of armor on and off he went.
Speaker 2 (07:40):
And so individually and collectively it was no doubt. It
was just a of course he's going to survive. Of
course he's going to be fine.
Speaker 1 (07:47):
We never had a conversation the whole time that he wouldn't.
There was never a conversation. Sean was a very strong guy.
We were just like, we'll get through it. You know,
he's young, he's healthy, we've got each other, you know,
we're good. We'll manage. That was how we processed. The
doctors told us that he had terminal cancer. It was
(08:08):
a big deal. You know, this is not a cancer
that's diagnosed that has a great success rate, you know,
especially because of the extent of it. But we look
back and you know, Maxwell was not a planned that's
our son. Maxwell was not a planned baby. But you know,
we'd kind of just been handed this little blessing and
we had something to work towards and something to keep
(08:28):
us going and motivated. And I often think back and
I'm like, would we have been so strong if we
didn't have a little baby on the way. You know,
we had everything to fight for, and so did he.
Speaker 2 (08:38):
And so even though Max hadn't been born yet, he
was still that motivator for both of you.
Speaker 1 (08:43):
He was the motivator. And we had each other and
we had a great life, and you know, we traveled
and we were in love, and you know, we had
everything going for ourselves. So this was just a bump
in the road and we knew that we could get
through it. We welcomed Max into the world in October
(09:03):
and it wasn't the fairy tale little bubble that you
get to have with a newborn. It was we had
a baby. You know. That night I'm laying in bed
with this newborn trying to breastfeed, and you know, I
have a partner who's in agonizing pain laying on the
bed next to me. You know, it was a lot
to process. And the next morning, you know, he got
(09:26):
up and went to chemo.
Speaker 2 (09:28):
Yeah, so he's not just in pain though he's like
severely unwell.
Speaker 1 (09:31):
He was struggling the pain. I can't even imagine the
pain that he was going through knowing that he has
cancer in his entire body and the pain of that
pressing on abdominal organs. You know. So he got up
the next morning and he went to chemo, and I
think that's where the reality kind of sank in is.
You know, we had nurses in the hospital being like, oh, like,
(09:52):
did he go back to work? And I was like, no,
like he's gone to have chemo. And I think that
was the first time I realized, Okay, like this is
really real, you know, this is our reality now, and
having to speak out loud to people. You know, we
could stay in our bubble and get through it together.
But it was the minute a nurse was like, Okay,
where's your partner and I had to say, he's gone
(10:12):
to hospital to have chemo. You know, that was the
first kind of reality check for me. And then the
moment it really sunk in was the day that we
took Maxwell home. That evening we went back to our
apartment and they talk about baby blues and you're a
mom and everything's new, you know, and you get home
and there's this big thing that hits you. But for me,
we got home and the hardest part bringing Max home
(10:35):
was Sean when I got in the shower, because that
was how he dipped it with the pain. And I'm
sitting on the couch with this brand new baby and
he's crying and Sean's in the shower and I just
remember I just burst out crying. I was like, how
do I do this? Like the whole reality of what
had happened just hit me like a ton of bricks.
(10:56):
It's what. Yeah, And then Max was kind of our
biggest blessing, you know. We just kept going from there.
I never showed Sean struggling. I never let him see
me crying, like I just was like, he's so strong,
I'll be strong too, Like I owe it to him
to get through it.
Speaker 2 (11:11):
Which also meant though that you were hiding your pain.
Speaker 1 (11:13):
And we did keep going until it was end of
November that year, so Maxwell was a month old and
we went in for chemo one day and we kind
of sat down with the oncologist and said, okay, like
what's the plan for surgery And basically we got news
that day that they said we're canceling Shawan surgery and
we're like, what do you mean canceling Shawn surgery? And
(11:34):
they're like, this tumor's not shrinking, we don't feel comfortable operating.
We don't think there's a success. And again, like another lemon,
just hat you straight in the face. We're like, this
was what we were holding out for. This was what
kept us going. And they said, yeah, we're not operating
and that was it. They kind of wiped the hands
of it, and we're like, we'll keep going with chemo
the end, Like that's the end of the story. And
(11:55):
I was like, okay, so obviously that wasn't the answer.
We weren't giving up at that point, and we researched
this cancer and we researched surgeons and we found a
surgeon in Sydney. His name's Professor Morris, and he is
known for taking on patients that have terminal cancer, appendix cancer,
and he is kind of, I guess, the rogue doctor.
(12:17):
He'll take a chance on patients who don't have any
other option. So we called his office and he invited
us to come down to Sydney and we had to
send him Sean's CT scans and everything with us, and
we went down and met him, the three of us,
and I can still remember it, were sitting in his
office basically pleading our case. Please help him, You're our
(12:37):
last chance, and like, we have this family and what
else do we do? And he did. He said he
would operate on Sean and to come back in January.
And so that was the plan. That was our new plan,
and that's what we kept going with and that's what
kept us strong and we got through Christmas. And Christmas
was tough. You know, Shawn's cancer wasn't getting any better
(12:57):
and his pain was getting worse, and you know, we're
trying to make the most of having a newborn, and
you know, he's really trying to help me, but he
would spend hours in the shower, he would spend hours
with hot water bottles in bed. It was a lot,
you know, looking back, and I think in the moment,
it's hard, but looking back you kind of how did
I do that? It's only when you start reflecting that
(13:18):
you're like, oh shit, Like that was insane. And so
we got through Christmas and then January we went down
to Sydney and so we packed up. We were now
moving to Sydney. Maxwell and I moved into a cancer
care house across the road from the hospital and was
Max at that time. Two months old, Sean went in
for surgery and his family came down and we were
(13:41):
nervous and we were scared, and Sean was just such
a hero, like he just kept going and he was
so positive and we're all petrified, but he just didn't
show it, you know, he just kept going. And then
it was surgery day and they said to me, okay, Kayler,
we're going to open him up. It can take ten
plus hours.
Speaker 2 (14:00):
And is it the same surgery that they were going
to do back in Brisbane. They said, yeah, we're not
doing it.
Speaker 1 (14:04):
The same surgery. So the first part is again there's
no guarantees that they can even do it. So the
plan was that he would go under, they would open
him up, have a look at the extent of it,
and then they were going to call me to say okay,
we can operate or no, we won't. So even though
we were there, we'd moved, there was still no guarantee.
We went. It was Max, me, my family, Sean's family.
(14:25):
We went and sat in a restaurant and just try
and pass the time. And I'm just sitting looking at
my phone, looking at my phone and watching like every
second pass, and my phone rang and Dad said, Kayler,
we're going to give it a go. He's like, it's bad,
but we're going to give it a go. And it
was just that sigh of relief. And again that was
just hurt ale number one, you know, because we had
no idea if this was even going to work. There
(14:47):
was a lot of things that can go wrong. They
started the surgery, it took fourteen hours he was in
surgery for and then they put him straight into ICU
purely because of the pain from it. You can't just
wake up from a surgery like that. I guess you
could call it a success. They removed a lot of
the tumor and they thought they'd got it under control.
(15:08):
So we were happy, you know, as happy as you
can be in a situation like that. Sean was still
in an induced coma in ICU, and the plan was
for him to stay like that for forty eight hours
and then they would wake him up slowly. Forty eight
hours later, they woke him up and everything was looking
good and he was talking, and I remember the first
(15:29):
word he said to me when he opened his eyes.
He goes Hi, and I was like, Hi, Like it
was just to hear him say Hi was just amazing.
It was what I'd been waiting for, you know. And
we now were ready to adjust to this new way
of life. They'd removed lots of organs, he now had
a stoma bag. It was just going to be a
(15:50):
whole new adjustment for us. So we were ready and
things were looking good, and he had been in ICU.
He was about to be discharged. It was maybe a
week later, and he said to me, kaylor, I don't
feel good. I have pain in my chest. And I'm like, okay,
well I'll get the doctor. And the doctor came in
and it's just a side effect. You know, You've just
(16:11):
got pain. You've had major surgery. And he's like, no,
something's not right. Anyway, Basically, they found that he had
a pericardial effusion where you have fluid that leaks around
your heart, and did it come from opening him up?
And you know, it was a complication that we never
thought would ever happen, and it basically meant that he
(16:32):
had to go in for open heart surgery to remove.
Speaker 2 (16:35):
It after already having a major sitry.
Speaker 1 (16:38):
That was the way to fix it. They were going
to try tubes to drain it and if that didn't work,
open heart surgery and they did try. The tubes didn't work,
Sean was in pain. They had to basically put him
back into an induced coma and he was scheduled for
surgery around his heart. And we sat down with the
doctors and they said, he's not going to survive this.
There's no way he will survive open heart surgery when
(17:01):
he should be recovering from a fourteen hour of all surgery.
So we kind of prepared ourselves, you know that that
was not a complication that we had prepared for. That
was not on the list of things that could go wrong.
And it went really wrong, and he had this surgery
and he was kept in in juice coma for another month.
(17:22):
So there was a month where I was living in
a cancer house, and in between feeding Maxwell, I would
walk over to the hospital and visit him, and it
was just horrific. I sat next to him and talked
to him and not really knowing like if he would
ever recover from it. Every day I would go in
(17:48):
there and I was like, Okay, can we wake him
up today? Can we wake him up today? Can we
wake him up? And I saw him fading fast because
he couldn't eat. He's on a feeding tube. I saw,
like the love of my life deteriorate in front of
my eyes.
Speaker 2 (18:01):
And so you also didn't even get that chance to
tell him that or share that with him and discuss
that as a couple. Now.
Speaker 1 (18:10):
It was a lot, like I had to process this
on my own and you know, stay strong and again,
I've got this newborn baby back in my arms in
a cant care house. It was just a lot to process.
And then they woke him up in February and they
took him off a breathing tube and he was on
the road to recovery. And he spent another couple of
weeks in a general ward and he was struggling. You know,
(18:31):
he'd lost a lot of weight and he'd lost a
lot of organs and there was a lot missing inside
his anatomy, and you know, he had this stma that
he had to basically manage. And I still remember he's
sitting in a hospital bed and they gave him a
bottle of water and that was his weight to practice
his strength and his arms, like a bottle of water.
That's how weak he was anyway. And then just the
(18:53):
medication that he was on, like it was just there
was a lot to get used to. And you know,
we were already were like, okay, we've come this far,
Like you'll get through it. We'll figure it out, we'll
figure out the medications, we'll get you into physio and rehabs,
and like we'll be okay, you know again, like this
was another blimp in the road and we would navigate it.
And in March we went home back to Brisbane and
(19:16):
we were ready to take on this new chapter together.
And Sean went back to work like the crazy person
he was, and he kept busy and we had Max
and I went back to work and in terms of
the cancer, like it was pretty under control. And then
in June he had more pain and we went straight
back to Sydney and had a slight recurrence of tumer
on his bowls, so they did a small surgery removed it.
(19:39):
We were fine. We went back to Brisbane and we
were like okay, like we got this under control. We
know the signs, we know what to look for. And
then it was November and I finished work one day
and Maxwell went to the daycare across from where I
worked in the city and Sean would come and pick
(19:59):
us up in the afternoons. And I called him and
I'm like, we're here, and eat an answer. I'm like, okay, weird.
And I called him again, no answer, answer, And you
know when you just know something's wrong. I just panicked.
I just feeling. I'm standing in the city on the
corner of the street and I'm like, something's wrong, something's happened.
And I'm calling him. I'm calling him and his phone's
(20:20):
going straight to voicemail, and then it rang and then voicemail,
and I called his work and I said, hey, like
where Sean, Like when did he leave? And like he
left an hour ago, and like the pit in my stomach,
I was like, something's happened. So then I started calling
through around the hospitals, because he also carried around a car,
explaining his medical condition and no one had seen him,
no one had him, and I was like, where is he? Anyway?
(20:41):
I tried his phone one more time and this lady answered.
I said, hello, like, where Sean? And she's like, we
found him slumped over the steering wheel, pulled over on
the side of the road. And I said, is he okay?
And they said, he's not really okay, but we've called
an ambulance and they're on their way and he's breathing,
but he's not really responsive. And I called my sister
at the time and I said, Alison, where are you.
(21:03):
She lives around the corner from there. I said, please go, like,
please go, like he has to be okay, go and
she went and she met them there and she got
in the ambulance, and you know, she still hasn't quite
told me the story to this day, but she said
to them, he has to survive. He cannot die. In
this ambulance to keep him alive, and he basically had
a seizure and he was seizing over and over again.
(21:24):
And I was like, I'll meet you at the hospital.
And his boss came and picked us up from the
city and drove us to the hospital and again they
told us that he's really unwell. He's not going to
get through this, like this is the end for him.
They thought that the tumor had spread his brain and
that was what was triggering them. So I had that
conversation again with the doctors. You need to prepare yourself.
(21:46):
He's not going to recover from this, like this is
the end. And you know, it's just like i'd heard
it before, and I was like, it's okay, Like I know, Sean,
Like I know he'll get through. This will be okay,
you know, and you still have that fight or flight mode.
You're like, we can do this. Anyway. He woke up
and they did tell us, they're like, he's in a
really bad way. You know, his liver was starting to fail.
(22:08):
He was on a lot of medication and they didn't
really know why and it could be linked to the medication.
And yeah, his liver wasn't doing great. And they told
us that he could stay in the hospital and essentially
pass away in the hospital, or he could come home.
And the crazy part was is that before the seizure,
we had actually bought our second home. Everyone thought we
(22:29):
were crazy. You know, you've got a newborn baby, you
have cancer and you are trying to navigate that don't
be buying a house. And we're like, nope, we want to.
You know, we're seeing the future and we'll get through it.
So the day he had his seizure was the day
our house was supposed to settle. So I'm on the
phone that next day with our mortgage broker and he's
(22:50):
calling me, why in your house sett or what happened?
And I'm like, oh my goodness. There was all these
issues with the house. And at that point I was like,
just fix it. I was like, he has to come home.
He has to come to our home, like we just
bought this home together. He's coming home. And he came
home and he was there, but it was like the
lights were on, but no one was home. You know.
That's when I knew that, Okay, this was bad. Now
like this he looks different. He was different. We had
(23:13):
the palliatif care doctors come to the house and they
gave me all these brochures and you know, and the
moment I just threw them to one side. I was
like I don't need this, Like I know Sean, like
we'll be okay, Like we've come this far, We'll get
through it. You know, I don't know what they're talking about,
like he'll recover. And I think it was the only
way I could cope was having hope. That's all I had,
you know. I had this hope that a miracle would happen,
(23:35):
and like a miracle had happened all the way and
I was like, one more, We'll have one more. I
know we will. Then there was a day we woke
up at home and it was Sean, Maxwell and I
and Sean was sitting on a chair on the balcony
and again we just moved into our house. We had
no money and we'd spend every single penny trying to
buy this home. And we had a chair on the
balcony and he was sitting there and Maxwell and our
(23:57):
dog Bella were playing by his feet, and I just
looked at him and I was like, this is it.
He's going to die. And that was the moment I
knew that, Okay, this was at the end. And I
went and found the brochures that the Pallete of Care
team had left at our house, and I remember, like
the front page it was like how to know when
(24:19):
someone is dying? And I was like, I guess it's time.
I read this and everything it described was Sean. The
way he was breathing, the way he was not responding,
the way he was getting really agitated. I knew it
was time. And I think that's when the whole like
last twelve months had hit me. I was like, this
(24:40):
is it, Like I have to face this now on
my own, Like it's not me and my rock anymore,
you know, it's just me now. And that's when that like, yeah,
I had to make the phone call to the family
to say, Okay, it's time, you need to come over,
and everyone came and they said that goodbyes, and a
(25:01):
few days later he passed away, and that was that's
our story. And it will be five years in November,
and it doesn't get any easier to tell that story.
(25:24):
And I think the hardest part after that has been
everyone just returns to their life when someone dies, and
everyone returns to their normal and to their families and
to their routine. But I guess for me, I've just
spent the last five years trying to find what that is,
you know, trying to start a life in a house
that was meant to be for the three of us.
(25:44):
And it's just Maxwell, and I'm so blessed that I
have our son. Like you know, they say, things happen
for a reason, and now I know why I felt pregnant,
because I couldn't have done any of this without Maxwell
by my side. But yeah, it's been hard. Proud of
you for sharing that that was a lot. I'd made
(26:06):
a comment to him once. I remember it once, and
I said, what do I do if something happens to you?
All he said to me was You'll be okay. And
that's all I went off, you know, And to this
day I said to him, I wish you'd written me
a letter, you know, I said to him at the time,
I said, can you write me a letter? Because God
forbid something? Does? I want you to tell me what
(26:27):
to do like I need to know? And he's all
he said was you'll be okay, and that was it.
But you know, I guess I have to go off
the fact that he trusted me, and he trusted me
that I would be okay.
Speaker 2 (26:42):
All right, I guess it's my turn.
Speaker 1 (26:47):
Oh so I guess the reason we met was through
a widow page. That's how we became friends, and that's
how we reconnected So what brought you to the page?
How did you end up there?
Speaker 2 (27:00):
Yeah, it's certainly a Facebook group that you never firstly,
I didn't even though it existed, let alone, never thought
I would be part of that group. So my story
started in twenty twenty and I was twenty nine. In March,
I was stood down from my role. I worked in travel,
and that was due to COVID, and that happened very suddenly,
(27:22):
and that was a job that I just loved. So
I stood down from my role. Three months later in June,
that's when my husband Matt, and I were delighted to
find out that we were pregnant. So that was, as
you know, such an exciting time to find out. You know,
we'd been married for a few years and that was
the next phase for us, was to start our family.
(27:43):
So so excited to find out that we were pregnant.
But just three weeks after that, we actually discovered that
we weren't welcoming one baby, we weren't welcoming too, but
we were welcoming three babies. So we found out very
early that we were having triplets. And I'm still very excited,
(28:06):
but of course shocked, because you in your head, you
just think, have a baby, and that's one baby. Twins
obviously common or becoming more common, but then triplets are rare,
and you just don't really hear about it. So that
was in June of twenty twenty. Then in August, we
celebrated our wedding anniversary. I never imagined that it would
(28:30):
be our last wedding anniversary together. The following week, Matt
went out for his usual morning run, but he never
returned home. He passed away in an accident, and so
my life changed in an instant. I said goodbye to
(28:52):
him when he went out for his run, and that's
the last time I saw him, So the last time
I heard his voice, It's the last time that I
gave him a hugin a kiss. It so the last
time I told him that I loved I was broken, complete,
(29:14):
shallow a person time. I just wanted to hide from everyone.
I want to hide from everyone. I want to tide
from everything around me. The morning of that accident is
so vivid for me, but I'm still working through that.
(29:42):
It's a lot of trauma. I'm just not ready to
talk about it, and I'm still trying to process it
in my own head and to be honest, I think
that's going to take some time for me to get
my thoughts around what happened. And yeah, what happened after
I saw that that morning, But and then I think
(30:02):
it was the following week. I was twenty weeks pregnant.
I felt unwell. Mum was actually driving me to a
polaratees class cause I thought going back to polates would
be good for me. I'm not sure I was really
ready to be going back to Polartis, but it was
a pregnancy class and I thought maybe this would be
good to clear my head. I remember telling her that
(30:24):
I felt unwell and that I was gonna vomit, and
she pulled over and I collapsed out of the side
of the car and was just violently vomiting on the
side of the road. Really scared mom. I remember her
being really stressed and I just looked at her. I said,
something's wrong. I remember getting into an ambulance and they
(30:46):
took me to the hospital and they were monitoring me
and they said, look, we're not really sure what happened,
but the babies are safe, and I said that's all
I care about. I can deal with anything else like
it is if they're safe, I'm good. And I was
really similar to you in having this mentality of kind
of she'll be right, I'll be right. You know, this
is nothing like I've dealt with this. This is kind
(31:10):
of an easy bit. But the scariest bit of that
was I remember my midwife saying to me, Ash, just
get to twenty four weeks. We can work with twenty
four weeks. You know. I look back now and I
truly don't know how I did it. And the only
(31:31):
thing that I can come up with the only thing
that I can come up with for that is that
I just think that Matt was with me in the background,
and that he was guiding me or supporting me, and
you know, making sure that everything was okay. So that
(31:52):
was twenty four weeks pregnant. Somehow I managed to get
to thirty four weeks, so that ten weeks was I'm
pretty sure I was numb most of that time.
Speaker 1 (32:06):
I was.
Speaker 2 (32:08):
Physically here, but mentally I was and emotionally I was
struggling and I was in a bad way. But I
made it to thirty four weeks. So our babies were
born in January twenty one, and I was somewhat relieved
to escape twenty twenty and just to enter the early
stages of twenty one, so a new year. And now
Obstetricians still tells me, actually she said, I genuinely don't
(32:32):
know how that happened, and so it was a relief,
but yeah, it's our Obsitrician still says that. She said,
I actually can't explain this, and I just believe that
Matt was making sure that they were safe. The birth
of our little trio was emotional and traumatic. So had
(33:01):
my mum with me, but optimally I was doing it
on my own. So I was giving birth to our
family knowing that our family was already broken before it
had started, and that was excruciatingly painful, and I was
(33:26):
numb and paralyzed with fear at the same time. So
it was a very confusing feeling. When the babies were
born via c section, I remember them holding the babies
up so I saw their faces and then was it.
All three of our babies were then resuscitated and rushed
to neak you. So it was not the delivery that
(33:50):
you think of giving birth and then getting to have
your baby on your chest and starting to form that
bond and hold them and you know, have that connection,
and so we spent thirty seven days in hospital, but
thirty seven days of pain. So that was the start
(34:10):
of our journey. And then bringing their babies home to
our family home, which felt empty because Matt wasn't there.
So they've never seen their dad, heard his voice, they've
(34:32):
never been able to hold his arms and give him
a cuddle. So that's been the last four years of
attempting to process that. Had a lot of fear for
the baby's health, and it's like they've never been exposed
to anything. There's a lot of control around germs and
protecting all of the babies in Ninku, so I was
(34:52):
also terrified of that. I was paranoid about them getting unwell.
So I was really fearful to enter the outside world
again because also in that hospital environment, they are so
strict and they have to be. But that was then
ingrained in me, so a lot of our family and
friends they didn't know that. So I was paranoid and
(35:13):
hyper vigilant about anything and everything. So there was a
lot of fear that I was carrying. And there was
also a lot of fear because I know that life
can change in a split second. I remember lying in
that and the bed's empty beside me. So it's fear, sadness,
(35:36):
all of it.
Speaker 1 (35:38):
I think that's one of the hardest pills to swallow
in this whole journey for both of us. It's this
expectation and this normality that you surrounded with about the
white picket fans, and when you have kids and families
and they look a certain way, and you know, social
media doesn't help when you see all the you know,
you see the perfect parts on social media, but that's
what you see every day, and you know, it's hard
(35:59):
to come to terms with the fact that your life
doesn't look like that anymore.
Speaker 2 (36:03):
Absolutely, And it's not always just the highlights reel on
Instagram or whatever, but it's the stories that you hear
people sharing, or you know, I go to parks and
I see a dad teaching his children to ride their bikes.
So it's not necessarily always the milestones or the photos.
(36:24):
It's everywhere, and it is that reminder that we are
so far from that.
Speaker 1 (36:32):
And I think that's our driving force as well. People
always be like, oh, you look like you've got everything together.
You're managing so well, you're coping so well, And I
think that's a hard thing for someone to say to you.
But the reason we do that is because we're doing
it for them. They didn't get the opportunity to have
these lives and do all the things with the kids.
So I feel, for sure, I don't have any reason
(36:54):
to be at home sad, and I don't have any
reason to be at home feeling sorry for myself. I've
been blessed with a life that he never got to
live anymore. And you know, yes, you have your days
and bad things always happened, but you know, in my
mind now I'm like, I do it for him. I
do it for him, and I do it for Maxwell,
and it's what gets me up every day. And when
(37:15):
we connected, we found out that we live eight minutes
away from one another, and it's just again. I think
that's what sparked the idea of this podcast, is we're
not alone, and there's people that are in Arm's reach
going through something similar, whether it's trauma of their partner
or loss or anything. You know, we're all in this
(37:36):
together and we've all got our own stories. And it's
crazy how the world reconnects people who knew each other
when they need it most.
Speaker 2 (37:45):
And that was exactly how we came to me because
initially for me, and everyone going through grief or trauma
has their own way of getting that support. Initially for
me it was psychology. And then I went through a
phase of buying books and I spent so much money
on book typeia, When am I going to read these books?
I'm the right time. But that was a coping strategy
(38:06):
for me, and I had identified that and I was like,
it doesn't matter. I just if that's what I need
to do, if that's what is going to make me
feel like, and you know, I'd read a couple of
pages and that would be it, and I'd put the
book away. So I was going through these coping strategies
I suppose to find what was working. And you know,
I had heard about this Facebook group and a couple
of friends had suggested it to me, and I was
like it was a firm No. I was like, I
(38:27):
cannot even like, I'm devastated to know that a group
like that exists, and then even further heartbroken to know
that I'm now part of this club and like a
club that you never ever want to be, you know,
because it's also for me the word widow like feels old,
like you should be an old lady when you lose
your husband. You shouldn't be twenty nine and pregnant with triplets.
(38:48):
You know, that's the start of our life and our family.
So i'd sort of somewhat reluctantly joined this Facebook group,
but I was like, oh, maybe I'm ready, and I
joined this group and I didn't get involved. I didn't
say anything. I didn't I wasn't even reading the post.
I was just part of it, and I didn't want to.
And then there must have been a notification that had
come up about organizing a catch up, and you know,
(39:10):
a few girls commenting, and I remember seeing your name
pop up and I saw the name and I went, kaylor,
I know that name and I recognized it. And that's
when I reached out to you in a private message
because I was so fragile and I was not ready
to contact to you know, via the page. But I
sent you a message and I remember saying I felt
(39:31):
so awkward. I was like what am I doing? And
I messaged you saying I think we used to work together,
and I was asking, you know, can you tell me
a little bit about the group. I'm not really sure
if I'm ready, And you were so kind in saying, well,
why don't we just catch up, you know, let's not
do the whole group thing. Why don't we just catch
up in you know, the playground and we'll just meet
and you can ask me all questions about the group.
(39:52):
And that's when we did realize that we had worked together.
And just recently we've figured out the timings and it's like, well,
actually hired you. So I was your post.
Speaker 1 (40:01):
What a great hire, great hire.
Speaker 2 (40:04):
See, I knew you'd out. So twelve years ago we
met and now we've reconnected through this Facebook group and
sadly through our loss, which is now the bond that
we share. We know what we've been through and the
support that we've given each other, and we just get it.
And so it's that joy that I think is really
(40:25):
what we connect on as well, is that we often
talk about the pain and the realities that we are
facing on the daily, but the real desire to create
joy and have those fun moments and it never takes
away from the loss or the absence of Sean and Matt.
But I guess that's really what was coming out when
(40:46):
we were having our chats at home and you know,
the way that we've become such good friends. The kids
now adore each other and we've created this really special
friendship and that I think is really where it comes
down to, is the desire for more and the desire
for joy. So we've been through hell and we I've
still creating that life, and we have such a desire
(41:07):
to find that joy again and create it for ourselves
and for our kids. You know, I guess it's like
we've had a fair few lemons thrown it our way,
but we're not letting that stop us. And you know,
we don't want this podcast to be sad, but it's
showing that resilience in the strength and sharing parts of
our story to say, yeah, that we've come through the
(41:28):
other side and that's still a work in progress, but
that's what we want for ourselves and for our family.
Speaker 1 (41:33):
Our stories are pretty heavy, but I think what we
can take away from it is you can embrace life's
lemons through connection and storytelling. And I think that's the
purpose and the mission of Just Life and Lemons.
Speaker 2 (41:45):
If you loved this episode, please don't keep it a secret,
Share it with a friend on social media, and tag
us at just Life and Lemons. Please click the follow
button and leave us a review. Just Life and Lemons
is not a mental health service or a substitute for
professional mental health advice, treatment, or assessment. Any conversations in
this podcast are general in nature. If you are struggling,
(42:07):
please see a healthcare professional or call Lifeline on one
three one one one four
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