February 24, 2025 • 31 mins
On this episode of Just Life and Lemons, we dive deep with Tracy Malone, a holistic counsellor, somatic trauma coach, and psychic, to unpack the true nature of trauma. While many believe trauma only stems from major life-altering events, Tracy challenges that perspective, revealing how trauma often arises from smaller, everyday experiences, even those rooted in childhood. These unprocessed moments shape our beliefs, behaviors and overall well-being far beyond what we realise. Together, we discuss how trauma impacts the body, mind, and spirit, and why true healing is more than just survival. Join us for an eye-opening conversation that will shift the way you view trauma, resilience and recovery.
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Speaker 1 (00:05):
Appodjay production.
Speaker 2 (00:10):
Please note that this conversation is a big one. Will
be discussing grief, loss and mental health. If this isn't
the conversation for you today, that's okay. Please join us
on one of our other episodes. Welcome to Just Life
and Lemons. I'm Ash and I'm Kayla. This podcast is
all about embracing life's lemons and making them into something beautiful.
We've had a fair few lemons thrown it away, but
(00:33):
we're not letting.
Speaker 3 (00:33):
That stop us.
Speaker 2 (00:37):
We are joined by Tracy today. Tracy is a holistic counselor,
somatic trauma coach, and a psydekiic. That's a lot. Can
you explain to us exactly what that is?
Speaker 1 (00:48):
If I could put it all into a nutshell, what
do I do? I meet the need in the person
opposite me. Everyone comes to me because they have a need.
And when we talk more about trauma, which is what
we're here to talk about today, I'm going to help
you understand why that is. Because in order to heal trauma,
we need to meet the need with it ourselves and
within others. So holistic counseling, somatic trauma coaching, I do
(01:11):
found the constellations therapy, I help people heal their ancestral
trauma as well. All of that is about what's the
need and the person, what is it that they need
to do, and how do we heal it on all levels.
So what it tells you with those credentials is talking
is one percent of what we do. Talking is the
gateway to everything else. The trauma that we experience lives
(01:32):
within our body. How do we get that out? And
the psychic heart just supercharges everything, really, because when people
start talking to me, it's like it's mapped for me
in my mind. So I don't need to take a
whole bunch of sessions to figure out what's going on
and what to do. I can see very clearly, read
very clearly what's going on. So it's like I know
what's going on in your energy field and in your
(01:53):
body and with your ancestors and all the stuff. So
it just makes me better and faster at what I do.
Speaker 3 (02:00):
How do you define trauma? Is it always a major
life event that stems to trauma or is it going
to be smaller.
Speaker 1 (02:07):
It's really interesting when people talk about big tea and
little tea. So because I don't live in the psychology
world and the thought the talk therapy world. I see
things very differently, and I see them differently because the
body of work I've put together. I had all the training,
and then I have a life experience, the life experience
of going you either need to heal your trauma now
(02:28):
or go under. Like it's taking you under now, leaving
a really toxic dynamic. It's like you're going to be
taken down unless you get in. So it's like all
these theory tools that were there had to become practice,
and that's where my body of work come from. That's
when I became to understand. If you look at what
trauma is, people say it's when an event or something
happens and the nervous system is overwhelmed and can't cope.
(02:51):
I look at that and I think, yes, but what
is deeper than that? What is the next thing that
I need to look for? Because that still feels quite
surface level to me. So trauma is any time and
need is not met within us. And I have challenged
this myself for years, and I have had it challenged
(03:12):
by clients and people within my community for years. I'm like,
come at me, let's discuss this. Do not drink. The
kool aid is a big thing. I say. A lot
of my clients talk to me challenge it because that's
how we learn and grow together. So for me, a trauma,
it doesn't matter what it is, medical trauma, event trauma,
ancestral trauma. There was a need back there for our ancestors.
It wasn't meant. It's unresolved. It now gets passed through
(03:34):
to lust. It doesn't matter what it is. At the
core of every trauma is a need that was not meant.
Speaker 2 (03:38):
Do you find that then you see clients that come
to you where the trauma is made up of lots
of say, smaller needs that weren't met that has then
catastrophized into something bigger that you then need to delve down.
Or do you still see them as almost isolated traumas
to be dealt with.
Speaker 1 (03:56):
The tools are the same because it's the need. What's
the need in the middle of it. It doesn't matter
if you come and there's a hundred things, and I
have people hundreds exaggeration, but people to come and they go,
so this happened, and then that happened, and that and
that happened, and I'm just like, oh my god, that's
a lot, okay, But our need in the middle of
it is the same, and it was our need for
safety and as safety and security, and it comes from
(04:18):
understanding and surrender around. We don't control the world either.
We're so complex. Our ability to deal with trauma and
events later in life, so your ability to deal with
what happened to both of you is based directly on
your childhood developmental attachment trauma. There's attachment trauma, and there's
attachment theory. And I looked at all and I dove
(04:39):
into study parts of it, and then I just went,
this doesn't help me. All I need to know it's
secure or it's not. That's all that really matters, because
if it's not, it's trauma and that is healed in
the same way of meeting the need. And if you
grow up with a secure attachment, then the events when
they come into your life, the big events, you handle
them better. You don't have that when you're a child
(05:01):
and you don't have a secure attachment, then later in
life things a harder because and I do not know
who to quote for this, so I apologize. If you
grow up in a secure attachment, you believe that the
world is about connection. If you grow up and you
do not have secure attachment, so you're over here and
(05:22):
that everything else you believe life is about survival. So
we're looking at the world in different ways. So the
person who is wired for survival deals with things in
the opposite way to the person who is wired for
connection and safety and security.
Speaker 2 (05:37):
That's so interesting.
Speaker 3 (05:38):
On your Instagram you talk a lot about if you
think it's about surviving trauma, you've missed the point. Can
you explain that a little bit more.
Speaker 1 (05:46):
Yeah, So one of the big things. I have a community,
a self healer tribe, and I speak about this all
the time. And I'm like, every week I come in
live and we're on Zoom and I'm talking about how
to heal yourself and let's look at this, pardon, let's
consider this, and these are other ways to heal yourself.
And I'm like, and on this hand, I I'm saying,
here's all the tools to heal yourself. But on this hand,
(06:08):
I want you to know there's nothing wrong with you.
You're not something to fix. Trauma is not a bad thing.
And I choose to use the words because that's the
language we have at the moment, which is trauma, wound heal.
And that's why I say it's not about If you
think it's about healing trauma, it's not the point. The
point is trauma takes up space in your body and
(06:28):
your energy field. When you heal, you trauma, you've got space.
Trauma is a density that we carry within our fields
and within our nervous system. And all releasing trauma is
is when we have an event trauma, when we have
a need that is not met. We had an emotion
that attached to it. So I'm feeling really scared right now,
I'm feeling really something and it got trapped and locked
(06:50):
in the body. And so it's about allowing that emotion
to complete its cycle. When we're releasing trauma, we're taking
that emotion that's stuck in the body. It's dense energy,
which is the literal foundation for every injury, illness, disease
that we have, has an emotional component to it, and
we're taking that. We're giving it the space it needs
(07:14):
in a safe environment, and we're allowing it to complete itself.
And we do that because when we've done that, we've
got space. I've had big emotional releases and afterward it's like, oh,
that was.
Speaker 2 (07:27):
Heavy, that was a lot, and you feel We talk
a lot about that feeling, the weight on your shoulders
and that physical pressure. And then even if it's not
going say it as deep as that to really have
a full release, but even just a cry, you feel
better after having a cry. You have been able to
break some of that density.
Speaker 1 (07:44):
Right, Yes, yeah, you've taken You've started that cycle of
I'm feeling really sad. All the perfect thing to do
when you're sad is to cry. But we've been trained
and told no, you don't be sad, you be resilient,
you look on the bright side. Don't start with me
about gratitude journals and spiritual bypassing it as a shouldn't
(08:06):
you be grateful that you've got your kids? At least?
Shouldn't you be grateful that you've got what you've got?
Speaker 3 (08:10):
You know?
Speaker 1 (08:11):
Shouldn't you be grateful?
Speaker 2 (08:13):
Do you think that plays a role though, to acknowledging
some positive you know and things that you are grateful for,
to allow space to then get into the trauma work.
Speaker 1 (08:23):
As long as you're not bypassing the feeling.
Speaker 2 (08:25):
Sure, so it's not an avoidance.
Speaker 1 (08:27):
I have an enormous amount of deep gratitude. I am
so grateful for every single thing in my life. But
if I'm feeling sad, don't jump to gratitude because I'm
feeling sad. The invitation is, if you're feeling sad, feel sad,
feel sad until you complete the sadness. And my son,
who is eleven, he'll feel sad and he'll go, I'm
(08:48):
done now, mommy. I'm like, are you sure, my darling.
It feels like there's more tears in there is all right,
just let the sadness be there. I'll be here to
witness your sadness until your sadness is completed its cycle
and it is welcome here, and let's keep doing it.
Then at the end of that, Oh, now I've got
space for gratitude. To God, I'm so grateful. Yeah you are.
Your gratitude is authentic because it's not being forced.
Speaker 2 (09:12):
Yeah, so you're not using it as a way to
avoid the sadness the mask because I think in society
we talk a lot about that is look for the
bright side and just go to that happy place, go
to that gratitude journal, And isn't that great that you're
so grateful and joyful? Yeah? But you actually haven't dealt
with So the sadness is still trust as.
Speaker 1 (09:27):
Long as it's authentic. If you're authentically grateful in that moment,
didn't be it. But just make sure you are. If
I'm standing there going, oh my god, I hate being here,
and I will be grateful that I get the opportunity
to be here, it needs to be authentic, and I
have to be really careful because foreign responses freezing faun
(09:48):
on my trauma responses. So when people say how are
you going, I automatically go, yeah, great, thanks performance. I
must perform. I'm here to make sure everyone in the
room feels good, and so then I have to authentically think, well,
how am I feeling today? How am I actually feeling today?
Speaker 2 (10:05):
I know that there are people that really struggle with
that question, and I think it's just an extent question
that we say, Hi, how are you? Often, I don't
think people are even waiting for your response, So it's
just this automatic question. I've found when I've been in
the depths of my grief, I'm kind of well, do
you want.
Speaker 1 (10:21):
To know the real answer?
Speaker 2 (10:22):
And I don't really want to share that because I
don't either feel that that person is able to cope
with my response or I'm not willing to go there.
But have you come across that where.
Speaker 1 (10:34):
Is there a response authentic? Ninety nine percent of them
probably not, because again because of my trauma response, and
I've used my childhood trauma as a superpower now, so
I can feel what's going on inside of people. So
when they speak, and that's somatic work as well. It's
like that empathy, and they train it in gestalt therapy.
They're like, they train you to gestalt people. So when
(10:54):
someone's talking to you, you feel what they're feeling in
their body, and I'm like, oh god, that's a given.
I have to try and separate the too, because I
feel it so much over empathizing, so so I know
when people are telling me the truth or not period.
I'm also one of those people where people tell me
their deepest secrets within thirty seconds and they'll say, god,
(11:15):
I've never told anyone that, and I'll go, yeah, your
body can feel that I already know, and you can
feel the safe place within me that it's able to
hold that. So when you say, do you really want
to know if I'd met you at that time, you
would tell me because you're like, oh my god, she
can hold it. You're judging all the time only part
of our languages with words. Our bodies are reading each
(11:37):
other all the time, and it parts are reading each
other all the time, and you're in a part, so
we'll be able to read within thirty seconds. You'd be like, oh,
she can hold this. Would you test it a little bit?
Thank give it.
Speaker 2 (11:46):
I've really found I don't know about you, Kayleb, but
I've actually found I'm trying to be a lot more
authentic with that when someone says, HI, how are you,
I'm trying to really demonstrate to myself and to the
kids that I can answer honestly to that question. So
normally I will say something like, particularly in the early days,
i'm actually struggling, but I will be a And that's
not because I'm trying to ignore it. It's like, I
(12:07):
know I will be okay, I'm just going through a
rough period. So I've always tried to answer that fairly honestly.
I know not everyone is capable of doing that, and
they find the question triggering. Caylor Wood, Yeah, I think
of the opposite.
Speaker 3 (12:19):
I think I've got that performance label on where I'm
like Yep, I'm good, I'm fine, Like you know, brave
face shut it down. Yeah, I didn't even really know
that was a thing until you just mentioned that.
Speaker 2 (12:29):
I've actually been really conscious of it in recent years
because I would like to think that someone I know
that we ask it default, but I would also like
to think that particularly family and friends are asking from
a genuine place. You know, I'm not necessarily revealing the
full story as to why I'm not feeling great or whatever.
I think you know a lot of times they've kind
of known, but I've tried to answer a bit more
(12:50):
authentically rather than just hiding it all the time.
Speaker 3 (12:53):
You talk about crying as a way to release that trauma,
what else can you do? What other work can you
do to help release that.
Speaker 1 (13:00):
Yeah, so, first of all, creating a place of safety,
so you don't want to start just throwing emotions around
two unsafe people. The reason that we're not always authentic
is because we're often judging in my own safe place.
Crying is a great one, and I could list off
a thousand things. I have a client who's an artist.
Someone do you release through art? If people are dancers
(13:21):
to it through dance, expressing your anger. There's loads of
ways to express anger. We used to have telephone books
and they were amazing big yellow pages. You would start
ripping pages out of them and it would just allow
you to start going, there's my anger, and by the
end of it, you've got a room full of yellow pages.
I tried it once. It was amazingly Cathartic shaking is
(13:42):
a great one. There's breathing techniques that can help you
to release. There are so many ways. So it really
is a personal thing. The main thing is practicing. So
I actually have something and it's called an emotion journal.
So it's really about finding your authentic self, and it's
about was I able to be fully authentic today and
actually just feel my emotions because what trauma releases and
(14:05):
healing traumas it's just allowing the emotion to come out.
Another thing that happens when the need is not met
is when that emotion gets locked and our nervous system
gets overwhelmed. A part of us remains there, and so
that's where we split off from self, and that part
of us goes within nervous system and becomes what I
call the passenger on the bus. It's from Jane Peterson, PhD.
(14:26):
She was like, who's driving the bus. Who's in the
driver's seat of the bus. Is my adult today age
self right here, right now driving the bus off my
body and my life, or is my wounded in a
two year old in here. The part of us that
is trapped back in the past is the actual one
that needs to feel the emotion. This is where it
(14:46):
needs to be done in a safe place. That wounded
part of me needs to be able to feel safe
enough to come to the driver's seat with me to
feel and express that emotion. She needs to have her
need met, be seen, to be loved. Connection. And so
in all the ways that we're releasing trauma, we've got
(15:07):
to understand the parts, and that's where safety comes in.
But feeling emotions is a big one. So you don't
just go to work one day. If you work in
corporate and start being authentic and feeling your emotions, it
is was I able to be fully authentic today? Yes?
Or no? And there's no right or wrong answer, And
that's what's so important in this work. There is no
wrong answer and there is no right answer. That's just
(15:28):
the truth. No, Okay, great? Who was that with? Just
as curiosity. We just start making little notes, little lists
of people. Oh, that person turns up on my Oh
I was not able to be authentic list every day?
Isn't that interesting?
Speaker 3 (15:40):
Oh?
Speaker 1 (15:40):
This person turns up on my authentic list every day.
Here's the people that I know I'm going to mask with,
And that's a really good choice to make. I'm not
going to go and be all authentic and show my
big emotions with these people. What was my emotion that
I didn't get to fully feel today? How can I
now meet and feel that emotion in what way can
I do it? So for me, it's not about do
(16:01):
this to do that tool. It's about let's get into
inquiry with self, to ask ourself these questions. How can
I do that? Can I actually feel emotions and start
healing my trauma and releasing.
Speaker 2 (16:13):
When you speak about the inside, I'm really curious now
to understand sort of the mind body connection with trauma.
Can you talk a little bit more about that.
Speaker 1 (16:21):
Yeah, there's trauma doesn't happen in the brain. Trauma has
an effect on the brain, and trauma isn't healed in
our thoughts. Trauma lies in our body and in our
nervous system. And so what if I told you that
your thoughts are parts of self from the past asking
to be seen. What if every thought that we have
(16:46):
is actually our nervous system, which is a part of
ourself that got locked in in the past, who's still waiting,
still waiting to be seen, heard, and to have a
need met from all of the years that I've been
alive when a need inside me wasn't met. That's the
mind body connection. There is no separate. We are so complex,
(17:07):
and to think that the thing is just happening in
the mind or just happening in the body. I still
don't not fully understand the depth of my work. So
people who come for family constellations with me, or when
we're doing some deep, strong work, I yawn like my
jaws about to break. I yawn, and I yawn, and
I yawn and I yawn and I do not stop,
and people, are you all right? And I tell them
the startup sessions. Now I'm going to yawn, and it's
(17:28):
a really good thing because I don't fully understand it.
But we're shifting energy. There's energy work happening in the
background as well, and so now I have all the
facets that I understand, and then all the ones that
I don't. It's not just mind body connection anymore. Wine
and body cannot separate them. They are not separate because
your thoughts are coming from parts of you locked in
your body.
Speaker 2 (17:48):
So are there times I've heard examples where the body
can also give you kind of physical responses or cues
to what might be going on. So, for example, I
know that there's times when you might be feeling, you know,
some gut issues. Can that be a way of the
body telling you that something's not right and that maybe
the brain hasn't figured that out yet.
Speaker 1 (18:08):
Absolutely, there's your short answer. Yes, that's exactly what it is.
So when I work with people in healing trauma, I
give them all the background of this is what happens.
It's how I create safety as giving information education. Here's
what's happened. These are all the parts of us. These
are all the parts of us that we need to
look at. Now, now, tell me where you feel it
in your body? Where do you feel anybody? And then
clients will come to me and they'll say, so, I've
(18:30):
been feeling this in my body now, and I'll go great,
let's dive deeper into that. If your gut was to
tell you a story, and what would your gut tell
you the story of? And that's where I ask people
what works for you. I can journal, and I can
sit and just have a literal dialogue with my body.
I don't drink alcohol, why because my body said no.
It's like, why don't drink because my body said no?
(18:51):
I would love a glass of red wine at winter,
but my body says no. I'm like, all right.
Speaker 2 (18:56):
I mean a lot of people would naturally then say
I'm having issues with my gut. I'm going to jump
on Instagram and buy supplements and products to heal the gut.
A different view on that.
Speaker 1 (19:06):
Yeah, you can't supplement your way out of trauma. And
I do all of these things as well, Like I'm
a massive advocate for eating well, looking after your microbiome,
knowing what it is that you're putting in your body.
But you cannot out supplement trauma. You cannot out gym trauma.
You cannot out affirmation, gratitude, positive psychology. Trauma. You cannot
(19:28):
because you haven't dealt with the because the trauma is
still there. To heal trauma, you have to heal the trauma.
Speaker 3 (19:34):
How do you measure the progress that you're making with
your clients and the healing of the trauma, Like is
it always a couple session fix or can it take longer?
And how do you know when someone is making progress?
Speaker 1 (19:44):
So the big thing in my work is that I'm
always handing your tools. Nobody walks away from a session
without tools. That's why I say you're dependent on me
for your wellbeing. And this is where those American sitcoms
where it's like I can't make a decision till I
CALLM a therapist. I'm like, Wow, that's the power dynamic,
isn't it. And that goes back to parent child. Then
I'm in a parent child dynamic with a client, and
(20:05):
then I hold the power. The ability to meet the
need for the child lands with the parents. So if
I enter a parent child dynamic with my clients, I
hold the power. So it takes as long as it takes.
People come for as long as they need to. And
it is literally I cannot put a number on it
because some people have done an enormous amount of work
(20:27):
and after one session with me, they go, I know
exactly what you're talking about. It's all just landed for me.
I've got this, and I don't ever see them and
again I'm like great. Some people are still with me
a couple of years later. I'm not an intense therapist,
so it's not like you see me every week for
a very long time. It's like, where are our tools?
How are you going with your tools? And I give
you everything that I can. Some people need time because
(20:50):
they've never done anything and they need to understand and
learn the tools, and they're like, I still don't get it.
It's like it's all right until it drops in your body.
I'll be here with you and I will keep showing
you the tools. Some people use the tools without understanding them.
Then it drops and they're like, oh my god, got it?
Like yeah, you have there. It is so the time
factor is individual, and the ways people learn is individual.
(21:13):
Some people want the one on one connection. Some people
want to be taught how to do it themselves in
a community, which I have as well. Everyone's different and
time is different.
Speaker 2 (21:23):
It's so interesting talking about healing the past traumas, whether
that be childhood or more recent. Are there than tools
that we put in place to protect or prepare them
for future trauma? Like what are the self care that
we do now or is there a way to not
necessarily prevent trauma? I mean we can't.
Speaker 1 (21:42):
We can't. So when we look at it, and when
we look at generational trauma, we don't beat our parents up.
They came to us with the toolkit that's full of
coping mechanisms. How do we deal with life? We cope
and that's it. Before that, it was survival. Look at
all the war, the colonization, all the things that we've
got in our ancestral things that have been handed down
to us. What we are doing when we work together
(22:03):
is people are like, oh my god, he's so amazing.
It's like that just means I've put a tool in
your kit. You think I'm amazing. That's great because that
means you're taking the tools and you're filling the toolkit up.
So when the next thing happens, you've got a toolkit
and you go, which tool will I use to deal
with this situation that's in front of me. That's all
it is. And when we are healing our own trauma,
(22:26):
we are creating a secure attachment within ourselves. And when
we have a secure attachment, we have tools available to
us where we will deal with big situations, little situations
very differently. All survival mode means all trauma means it's
my toolkits empty, and all I've got is coping mechanisms.
And maybe that's drugs, alcohol, screens, exercise the greatest tool
(22:52):
we can have, Like until you learn all the tools
and create the secure attachment within self. One of the
greatest tools we can have is curiosity. Believe it or not,
I just had that thought. It's curious, not that stupid.
Oh I just did that. I'm really curious about why
I just did that without judgment, with love and compassion.
I will not say a bad word about myself now ever,
(23:14):
not in my thoughts, not in how I speak to
other people. And I was self put down queen in
my mind and my thoughts and everything. And now I'll
go to say something, it's like nope, And I can
take a long time to say something because it's like,
I don't speak about myself like that now. So how
do I find compassion for myself in every moment? And
that's creating secure attachment within me, that's feeling my toolkit
(23:36):
worth it full of things, so that every part of
me feels safe, so that when a big scary or
horrible event happens in my world, every part of me
feels safe to deal with it because they know I'm safe.
Speaker 3 (23:48):
What advice would you give to loved ones, friends and
family of someone who's going through trauma.
Speaker 1 (23:54):
The biggest thing that when we have an empty toolkit
and we don't have anything to deal with, we've got
no resource. So what you can be for friends and
family going through trauma is a resource, and the resources
not I need to fix and heal you because there's
something wrong with you, a resources that's a lot that
you're doing. Can I come around and can I bring
(24:17):
some food? Can I just drop around? I was a
part of the staining community when I was younger, and
every time somebody had something big happen, and the event
could be birth of a baby, or the event could
be death for family member, or the event could be
something BIG's happened and someone in the family is sick,
everyone in the class bakes a meal and freezes it
and gives it to that family so they know that
there's one thing off their plate. How can you resource
(24:40):
and be there for someone without asking how you are
because it's a really difficult one. What can we do
be there. Can I just come over and watch a movie?
Can I just come over and use your internet and
I'll work in the background, just so you've got someone around, Like,
how do you do that? How do you be a
resource for someone, which is you're not alone in this.
Speaker 2 (25:02):
I'll always be grateful for my workplace doing that. So
for the first twelve months grieving, they provided meals. I
will never be able to thank them enough for organizing that.
And it took so much pressure off. I knew I
was eating nutritious, certainly while I was still pregnant as well,
and then in that newborn phase, I knew they were there.
There was such an army of people to do that,
(25:22):
and they all chicked in so it wasn't a big
ask of anyone individually because it was like sharing the
load for them.
Speaker 1 (25:28):
You know.
Speaker 2 (25:28):
They were telling me that they really enjoyed it and
it was a way that they could support me without
being in my face. And I just, yeah, forever grateful,
yeah as to what that meant, because yes, the food
was wonderful, but I just felt so much love and
I don't know that I've ever actually articulated that. I
really tried to make sure I thanked every individual, but
I don't know that I've ever really been able to
have the capacity to thank them for what it actually
(25:50):
meant beyond the food, Yeah, and the abundance of love
that I always felt. I felt so supported and safe
and held.
Speaker 1 (25:58):
Which is what helped you to process the trauma, which
is why people said you look really strong. And it's like, yeah,
because I've got all of them people holding me up,
So what does it look like. It looks like a meal.
Speaker 2 (26:08):
I actually do remember something that I said in those
early messages was that I felt that my heart was
smashed into a thousand pieces, and I said, you are
one piece of that sticky tape holding me back together.
So I knew that I would never heal and the
heart would never be full again. But I do remember
saying something to that effect around like your piece of
sticky tape.
Speaker 1 (26:28):
And they're just so grateful. Yeah, and each meal is
just that one piece of tape, and asking someone what
you can do sometimes works if somebody is self aware
enough and able to go, jeez, I'd really love a
meal service. And sometimes when you're in the depth of grief,
you have no idea what you need, and so to
have people aware enough to be able to provide that
(26:50):
for you amazing. And what that does is it holds.
It's like a literal someone holding you up to just
go We've got you, and this is hard. We can't
bring him back, but we can do this.
Speaker 2 (27:02):
The final question I want to ask is you know,
obviously you know, I think, Kayla, and I really feel
so connected with what you're saying and really see the
benefit and the value of the work. Do you have
any sort of thoughts that you want to share with
someone who might be hesitant to do this type of
trauma work.
Speaker 1 (27:18):
Trust yourself. Just because you're hearing this with me now,
it doesn't even mean you need to chase me up
and book with me and go deeper into my work.
Get help. And if you have a bad experience with
one person or one therapist or one whatever, that's one.
There are thousands of us in the world, Like I
am not the only one who does this kind of work.
(27:40):
Your body knows the way. And if you're not ready yet,
then you're not ready yet. Be kind to yourself about that.
Don't listen to this and go, oh my god, I've
got trauma. There's something wrong with me. I've got to
go find someone. Now, I've got to look up Tracy,
and I've got all these other things I need to do. No,
when you are ready, your body will tell you when
(28:01):
you're ready, and your body will go, whoa, this is coming. Now,
you're alright, it's time. I had somebody message me three
weeks ago and go, I know it's been a while,
but i'd really like that family constellation session.
Speaker 2 (28:13):
Now.
Speaker 1 (28:13):
It was three years ago that she asked about information
about what I did. She says, I'm so sorry it
took so long. I'm like, why are you sorry? You're
in that phase then of collecting information, of listening. It
was sad and in an external part of your field.
And now three years later it's right and your body
and your body's like, yes, it's time. So if you're
listening to this and you're like, oh my god, we've
(28:34):
all got trauma, here's another thing for me to do.
Only when you're ready, and when you're ready, When your
body tells you you're ready, it's not when I tell
you you're ready. It's not when anyone else tells you
you're ready. The biggest thing that I want people to
have when I work with them, It's like your body
needs to tell you. Everything I'm doing for you is
to reconnect you with the body and the parts of
(28:56):
self that you know it's best for you. Advocate for yourself,
and you can do what you need when you're ready
in the way that suits you.
Speaker 3 (29:05):
I must have done work with a lot of different
people in a lot of different situations. Is there anything
in particular that's a highlight view in your career?
Speaker 1 (29:13):
How people are afterwards, How they come in and they
think there's no way out and they think they're going
to have to live with this and what happens later.
I'm like, hey, going and they can authentically go, just
live in my best life. I'm here, I'm right here,
and I'm present and I'm able to be fully myself.
It's like we constantly think it's about achieving the goal.
(29:36):
You know. Great moments for me come in watching a
video of somebody that I've worked with and I can
hear their authentic voice coming through. It's like, Yeah, that's it,
That's what I live for. It's not about did I
reach that goal? Out there? Am I doing the thing?
It's just about when I interact with someone after I've
worked with them, and I'm like, there you are. That's
(29:56):
what I've been looking for. The wound is healed, and
you've shown up without the mask in front. That's better
than anything else.
Speaker 2 (30:04):
So how can I our listeners continue to learn from
you and stay connected.
Speaker 1 (30:07):
What's the best way social media? EXO tracing alone. It's
the only time where if you put the E in Tracy,
it won't work. So exotracing alone on Instagrams where I
spend most of my time, and my website is you've
got to put the w's in tracingmlone dot co and
I've got loads of free resources because I want people
to get educated and I want us to have a
(30:29):
whole new vocabulary. Because the reason for us healing our
trauma is not so that our kids will never experience trauma.
It's that when our kids have the big events that
happen in front of them, which all of our kids
already have, it will have a massive impact on our
children going forward, but they will have something that we
didn't have, and it's a toolkit full of tools to
(30:52):
do so it will not have the impact on their
lives that it has had on ours.
Speaker 2 (30:57):
Thank you, Tracy, it's been great.
Speaker 1 (30:59):
Thank you so much. Thank you, thanks for getting this
message out there.
Speaker 2 (31:03):
If you loved this episode so please don't keep it
a secret, share it with a friend on social media
and tag us at just life and Lemons. Please click
the follow button and leave us a review. Just Life
and Lemons is not a mental health service or a
substitute for professional mental health advice, treatment, or assessment. Any
conversations in this podcast are general in nature. If you
(31:24):
are struggling, please see a healthcare professional or call Lifeline
on one three one one one four
Appodjay production.
Speaker 2 (00:10):
Please note that this conversation is a big one. Will
be discussing grief, loss and mental health. If this isn't
the conversation for you today, that's okay. Please join us
on one of our other episodes. Welcome to Just Life
and Lemons. I'm Ash and I'm Kayla. This podcast is
all about embracing life's lemons and making them into something beautiful.
We've had a fair few lemons thrown it away, but
(00:33):
we're not letting.
Speaker 3 (00:33):
That stop us.
Speaker 2 (00:37):
We are joined by Tracy today. Tracy is a holistic counselor,
somatic trauma coach, and a psydekiic. That's a lot. Can
you explain to us exactly what that is?
Speaker 1 (00:48):
If I could put it all into a nutshell, what
do I do? I meet the need in the person
opposite me. Everyone comes to me because they have a need.
And when we talk more about trauma, which is what
we're here to talk about today, I'm going to help
you understand why that is. Because in order to heal trauma,
we need to meet the need with it ourselves and
within others. So holistic counseling, somatic trauma coaching, I do
(01:11):
found the constellations therapy, I help people heal their ancestral
trauma as well. All of that is about what's the
need and the person, what is it that they need
to do, and how do we heal it on all levels.
So what it tells you with those credentials is talking
is one percent of what we do. Talking is the
gateway to everything else. The trauma that we experience lives
(01:32):
within our body. How do we get that out? And
the psychic heart just supercharges everything, really, because when people
start talking to me, it's like it's mapped for me
in my mind. So I don't need to take a
whole bunch of sessions to figure out what's going on
and what to do. I can see very clearly, read
very clearly what's going on. So it's like I know
what's going on in your energy field and in your
(01:53):
body and with your ancestors and all the stuff. So
it just makes me better and faster at what I do.
Speaker 3 (02:00):
How do you define trauma? Is it always a major
life event that stems to trauma or is it going
to be smaller.
Speaker 1 (02:07):
It's really interesting when people talk about big tea and
little tea. So because I don't live in the psychology
world and the thought the talk therapy world. I see
things very differently, and I see them differently because the
body of work I've put together. I had all the training,
and then I have a life experience, the life experience
of going you either need to heal your trauma now
(02:28):
or go under. Like it's taking you under now, leaving
a really toxic dynamic. It's like you're going to be
taken down unless you get in. So it's like all
these theory tools that were there had to become practice,
and that's where my body of work come from. That's
when I became to understand. If you look at what
trauma is, people say it's when an event or something
happens and the nervous system is overwhelmed and can't cope.
(02:51):
I look at that and I think, yes, but what
is deeper than that? What is the next thing that
I need to look for? Because that still feels quite
surface level to me. So trauma is any time and
need is not met within us. And I have challenged
this myself for years, and I have had it challenged
(03:12):
by clients and people within my community for years. I'm like,
come at me, let's discuss this. Do not drink. The
kool aid is a big thing. I say. A lot
of my clients talk to me challenge it because that's
how we learn and grow together. So for me, a trauma,
it doesn't matter what it is, medical trauma, event trauma,
ancestral trauma. There was a need back there for our ancestors.
It wasn't meant. It's unresolved. It now gets passed through
(03:34):
to lust. It doesn't matter what it is. At the
core of every trauma is a need that was not meant.
Speaker 2 (03:38):
Do you find that then you see clients that come
to you where the trauma is made up of lots
of say, smaller needs that weren't met that has then
catastrophized into something bigger that you then need to delve down.
Or do you still see them as almost isolated traumas
to be dealt with.
Speaker 1 (03:56):
The tools are the same because it's the need. What's
the need in the middle of it. It doesn't matter
if you come and there's a hundred things, and I
have people hundreds exaggeration, but people to come and they go,
so this happened, and then that happened, and that and
that happened, and I'm just like, oh my god, that's
a lot, okay, But our need in the middle of
it is the same, and it was our need for
safety and as safety and security, and it comes from
(04:18):
understanding and surrender around. We don't control the world either.
We're so complex. Our ability to deal with trauma and
events later in life, so your ability to deal with
what happened to both of you is based directly on
your childhood developmental attachment trauma. There's attachment trauma, and there's
attachment theory. And I looked at all and I dove
(04:39):
into study parts of it, and then I just went,
this doesn't help me. All I need to know it's
secure or it's not. That's all that really matters, because
if it's not, it's trauma and that is healed in
the same way of meeting the need. And if you
grow up with a secure attachment, then the events when
they come into your life, the big events, you handle
them better. You don't have that when you're a child
(05:01):
and you don't have a secure attachment, then later in
life things a harder because and I do not know
who to quote for this, so I apologize. If you
grow up in a secure attachment, you believe that the
world is about connection. If you grow up and you
do not have secure attachment, so you're over here and
(05:22):
that everything else you believe life is about survival. So
we're looking at the world in different ways. So the
person who is wired for survival deals with things in
the opposite way to the person who is wired for
connection and safety and security.
Speaker 2 (05:37):
That's so interesting.
Speaker 3 (05:38):
On your Instagram you talk a lot about if you
think it's about surviving trauma, you've missed the point. Can
you explain that a little bit more.
Speaker 1 (05:46):
Yeah, So one of the big things. I have a community,
a self healer tribe, and I speak about this all
the time. And I'm like, every week I come in
live and we're on Zoom and I'm talking about how
to heal yourself and let's look at this, pardon, let's
consider this, and these are other ways to heal yourself.
And I'm like, and on this hand, I I'm saying,
here's all the tools to heal yourself. But on this hand,
(06:08):
I want you to know there's nothing wrong with you.
You're not something to fix. Trauma is not a bad thing.
And I choose to use the words because that's the
language we have at the moment, which is trauma, wound heal.
And that's why I say it's not about If you
think it's about healing trauma, it's not the point. The
point is trauma takes up space in your body and
(06:28):
your energy field. When you heal, you trauma, you've got space.
Trauma is a density that we carry within our fields
and within our nervous system. And all releasing trauma is
is when we have an event trauma, when we have
a need that is not met. We had an emotion
that attached to it. So I'm feeling really scared right now,
I'm feeling really something and it got trapped and locked
(06:50):
in the body. And so it's about allowing that emotion
to complete its cycle. When we're releasing trauma, we're taking
that emotion that's stuck in the body. It's dense energy,
which is the literal foundation for every injury, illness, disease
that we have, has an emotional component to it, and
we're taking that. We're giving it the space it needs
(07:14):
in a safe environment, and we're allowing it to complete itself.
And we do that because when we've done that, we've
got space. I've had big emotional releases and afterward it's like, oh,
that was.
Speaker 2 (07:27):
Heavy, that was a lot, and you feel We talk
a lot about that feeling, the weight on your shoulders
and that physical pressure. And then even if it's not
going say it as deep as that to really have
a full release, but even just a cry, you feel
better after having a cry. You have been able to
break some of that density.
Speaker 1 (07:44):
Right, Yes, yeah, you've taken You've started that cycle of
I'm feeling really sad. All the perfect thing to do
when you're sad is to cry. But we've been trained
and told no, you don't be sad, you be resilient,
you look on the bright side. Don't start with me
about gratitude journals and spiritual bypassing it as a shouldn't
(08:06):
you be grateful that you've got your kids? At least?
Shouldn't you be grateful that you've got what you've got?
Speaker 3 (08:10):
You know?
Speaker 1 (08:11):
Shouldn't you be grateful?
Speaker 2 (08:13):
Do you think that plays a role though, to acknowledging
some positive you know and things that you are grateful for,
to allow space to then get into the trauma work.
Speaker 1 (08:23):
As long as you're not bypassing the feeling.
Speaker 2 (08:25):
Sure, so it's not an avoidance.
Speaker 1 (08:27):
I have an enormous amount of deep gratitude. I am
so grateful for every single thing in my life. But
if I'm feeling sad, don't jump to gratitude because I'm
feeling sad. The invitation is, if you're feeling sad, feel sad,
feel sad until you complete the sadness. And my son,
who is eleven, he'll feel sad and he'll go, I'm
(08:48):
done now, mommy. I'm like, are you sure, my darling.
It feels like there's more tears in there is all right,
just let the sadness be there. I'll be here to
witness your sadness until your sadness is completed its cycle
and it is welcome here, and let's keep doing it.
Then at the end of that, Oh, now I've got
space for gratitude. To God, I'm so grateful. Yeah you are.
Your gratitude is authentic because it's not being forced.
Speaker 2 (09:12):
Yeah, so you're not using it as a way to
avoid the sadness the mask because I think in society
we talk a lot about that is look for the
bright side and just go to that happy place, go
to that gratitude journal, And isn't that great that you're
so grateful and joyful? Yeah? But you actually haven't dealt
with So the sadness is still trust as.
Speaker 1 (09:27):
Long as it's authentic. If you're authentically grateful in that moment,
didn't be it. But just make sure you are. If
I'm standing there going, oh my god, I hate being here,
and I will be grateful that I get the opportunity
to be here, it needs to be authentic, and I
have to be really careful because foreign responses freezing faun
(09:48):
on my trauma responses. So when people say how are
you going, I automatically go, yeah, great, thanks performance. I
must perform. I'm here to make sure everyone in the
room feels good, and so then I have to authentically think, well,
how am I feeling today? How am I actually feeling today?
Speaker 2 (10:05):
I know that there are people that really struggle with
that question, and I think it's just an extent question
that we say, Hi, how are you? Often, I don't
think people are even waiting for your response, So it's
just this automatic question. I've found when I've been in
the depths of my grief, I'm kind of well, do
you want.
Speaker 1 (10:21):
To know the real answer?
Speaker 2 (10:22):
And I don't really want to share that because I
don't either feel that that person is able to cope
with my response or I'm not willing to go there.
But have you come across that where.
Speaker 1 (10:34):
Is there a response authentic? Ninety nine percent of them
probably not, because again because of my trauma response, and
I've used my childhood trauma as a superpower now, so
I can feel what's going on inside of people. So
when they speak, and that's somatic work as well. It's
like that empathy, and they train it in gestalt therapy.
They're like, they train you to gestalt people. So when
(10:54):
someone's talking to you, you feel what they're feeling in
their body, and I'm like, oh god, that's a given.
I have to try and separate the too, because I
feel it so much over empathizing, so so I know
when people are telling me the truth or not period.
I'm also one of those people where people tell me
their deepest secrets within thirty seconds and they'll say, god,
(11:15):
I've never told anyone that, and I'll go, yeah, your
body can feel that I already know, and you can
feel the safe place within me that it's able to
hold that. So when you say, do you really want
to know if I'd met you at that time, you
would tell me because you're like, oh my god, she
can hold it. You're judging all the time only part
of our languages with words. Our bodies are reading each
(11:37):
other all the time, and it parts are reading each
other all the time, and you're in a part, so
we'll be able to read within thirty seconds. You'd be like, oh,
she can hold this. Would you test it a little bit?
Thank give it.
Speaker 2 (11:46):
I've really found I don't know about you, Kayleb, but
I've actually found I'm trying to be a lot more
authentic with that when someone says, HI, how are you,
I'm trying to really demonstrate to myself and to the
kids that I can answer honestly to that question. So
normally I will say something like, particularly in the early days,
i'm actually struggling, but I will be a And that's
not because I'm trying to ignore it. It's like, I
(12:07):
know I will be okay, I'm just going through a
rough period. So I've always tried to answer that fairly honestly.
I know not everyone is capable of doing that, and
they find the question triggering. Caylor Wood, Yeah, I think
of the opposite.
Speaker 3 (12:19):
I think I've got that performance label on where I'm
like Yep, I'm good, I'm fine, Like you know, brave
face shut it down. Yeah, I didn't even really know
that was a thing until you just mentioned that.
Speaker 2 (12:29):
I've actually been really conscious of it in recent years
because I would like to think that someone I know
that we ask it default, but I would also like
to think that particularly family and friends are asking from
a genuine place. You know, I'm not necessarily revealing the
full story as to why I'm not feeling great or whatever.
I think you know a lot of times they've kind
of known, but I've tried to answer a bit more
(12:50):
authentically rather than just hiding it all the time.
Speaker 3 (12:53):
You talk about crying as a way to release that trauma,
what else can you do? What other work can you
do to help release that.
Speaker 1 (13:00):
Yeah, so, first of all, creating a place of safety,
so you don't want to start just throwing emotions around
two unsafe people. The reason that we're not always authentic
is because we're often judging in my own safe place.
Crying is a great one, and I could list off
a thousand things. I have a client who's an artist.
Someone do you release through art? If people are dancers
(13:21):
to it through dance, expressing your anger. There's loads of
ways to express anger. We used to have telephone books
and they were amazing big yellow pages. You would start
ripping pages out of them and it would just allow
you to start going, there's my anger, and by the
end of it, you've got a room full of yellow pages.
I tried it once. It was amazingly Cathartic shaking is
(13:42):
a great one. There's breathing techniques that can help you
to release. There are so many ways. So it really
is a personal thing. The main thing is practicing. So
I actually have something and it's called an emotion journal.
So it's really about finding your authentic self, and it's
about was I able to be fully authentic today and
actually just feel my emotions because what trauma releases and
(14:05):
healing traumas it's just allowing the emotion to come out.
Another thing that happens when the need is not met
is when that emotion gets locked and our nervous system
gets overwhelmed. A part of us remains there, and so
that's where we split off from self, and that part
of us goes within nervous system and becomes what I
call the passenger on the bus. It's from Jane Peterson, PhD.
(14:26):
She was like, who's driving the bus. Who's in the
driver's seat of the bus. Is my adult today age
self right here, right now driving the bus off my
body and my life, or is my wounded in a
two year old in here. The part of us that
is trapped back in the past is the actual one
that needs to feel the emotion. This is where it
(14:46):
needs to be done in a safe place. That wounded
part of me needs to be able to feel safe
enough to come to the driver's seat with me to
feel and express that emotion. She needs to have her
need met, be seen, to be loved. Connection. And so
in all the ways that we're releasing trauma, we've got
(15:07):
to understand the parts, and that's where safety comes in.
But feeling emotions is a big one. So you don't
just go to work one day. If you work in
corporate and start being authentic and feeling your emotions, it
is was I able to be fully authentic today? Yes?
Or no? And there's no right or wrong answer, And
that's what's so important in this work. There is no
wrong answer and there is no right answer. That's just
(15:28):
the truth. No, Okay, great? Who was that with? Just
as curiosity. We just start making little notes, little lists
of people. Oh, that person turns up on my Oh
I was not able to be authentic list every day?
Isn't that interesting?
Speaker 3 (15:40):
Oh?
Speaker 1 (15:40):
This person turns up on my authentic list every day.
Here's the people that I know I'm going to mask with,
And that's a really good choice to make. I'm not
going to go and be all authentic and show my
big emotions with these people. What was my emotion that
I didn't get to fully feel today? How can I
now meet and feel that emotion in what way can
I do it? So for me, it's not about do
(16:01):
this to do that tool. It's about let's get into
inquiry with self, to ask ourself these questions. How can
I do that? Can I actually feel emotions and start
healing my trauma and releasing.
Speaker 2 (16:13):
When you speak about the inside, I'm really curious now
to understand sort of the mind body connection with trauma.
Can you talk a little bit more about that.
Speaker 1 (16:21):
Yeah, there's trauma doesn't happen in the brain. Trauma has
an effect on the brain, and trauma isn't healed in
our thoughts. Trauma lies in our body and in our
nervous system. And so what if I told you that
your thoughts are parts of self from the past asking
to be seen. What if every thought that we have
(16:46):
is actually our nervous system, which is a part of
ourself that got locked in in the past, who's still waiting,
still waiting to be seen, heard, and to have a
need met from all of the years that I've been
alive when a need inside me wasn't met. That's the
mind body connection. There is no separate. We are so complex,
(17:07):
and to think that the thing is just happening in
the mind or just happening in the body. I still
don't not fully understand the depth of my work. So
people who come for family constellations with me, or when
we're doing some deep, strong work, I yawn like my
jaws about to break. I yawn, and I yawn, and
I yawn and I yawn and I do not stop,
and people, are you all right? And I tell them
the startup sessions. Now I'm going to yawn, and it's
(17:28):
a really good thing because I don't fully understand it.
But we're shifting energy. There's energy work happening in the
background as well, and so now I have all the
facets that I understand, and then all the ones that
I don't. It's not just mind body connection anymore. Wine
and body cannot separate them. They are not separate because
your thoughts are coming from parts of you locked in
your body.
Speaker 2 (17:48):
So are there times I've heard examples where the body
can also give you kind of physical responses or cues
to what might be going on. So, for example, I
know that there's times when you might be feeling, you know,
some gut issues. Can that be a way of the
body telling you that something's not right and that maybe
the brain hasn't figured that out yet.
Speaker 1 (18:08):
Absolutely, there's your short answer. Yes, that's exactly what it is.
So when I work with people in healing trauma, I
give them all the background of this is what happens.
It's how I create safety as giving information education. Here's
what's happened. These are all the parts of us. These
are all the parts of us that we need to
look at. Now, now, tell me where you feel it
in your body? Where do you feel anybody? And then
clients will come to me and they'll say, so, I've
(18:30):
been feeling this in my body now, and I'll go great,
let's dive deeper into that. If your gut was to
tell you a story, and what would your gut tell
you the story of? And that's where I ask people
what works for you. I can journal, and I can
sit and just have a literal dialogue with my body.
I don't drink alcohol, why because my body said no.
It's like, why don't drink because my body said no?
(18:51):
I would love a glass of red wine at winter,
but my body says no. I'm like, all right.
Speaker 2 (18:56):
I mean a lot of people would naturally then say
I'm having issues with my gut. I'm going to jump
on Instagram and buy supplements and products to heal the gut.
A different view on that.
Speaker 1 (19:06):
Yeah, you can't supplement your way out of trauma. And
I do all of these things as well, Like I'm
a massive advocate for eating well, looking after your microbiome,
knowing what it is that you're putting in your body.
But you cannot out supplement trauma. You cannot out gym trauma.
You cannot out affirmation, gratitude, positive psychology. Trauma. You cannot
(19:28):
because you haven't dealt with the because the trauma is
still there. To heal trauma, you have to heal the trauma.
Speaker 3 (19:34):
How do you measure the progress that you're making with
your clients and the healing of the trauma, Like is
it always a couple session fix or can it take longer?
And how do you know when someone is making progress?
Speaker 1 (19:44):
So the big thing in my work is that I'm
always handing your tools. Nobody walks away from a session
without tools. That's why I say you're dependent on me
for your wellbeing. And this is where those American sitcoms
where it's like I can't make a decision till I
CALLM a therapist. I'm like, Wow, that's the power dynamic,
isn't it. And that goes back to parent child. Then
I'm in a parent child dynamic with a client, and
(20:05):
then I hold the power. The ability to meet the
need for the child lands with the parents. So if
I enter a parent child dynamic with my clients, I
hold the power. So it takes as long as it takes.
People come for as long as they need to. And
it is literally I cannot put a number on it
because some people have done an enormous amount of work
(20:27):
and after one session with me, they go, I know
exactly what you're talking about. It's all just landed for me.
I've got this, and I don't ever see them and
again I'm like great. Some people are still with me
a couple of years later. I'm not an intense therapist,
so it's not like you see me every week for
a very long time. It's like, where are our tools?
How are you going with your tools? And I give
you everything that I can. Some people need time because
(20:50):
they've never done anything and they need to understand and
learn the tools, and they're like, I still don't get it.
It's like it's all right until it drops in your body.
I'll be here with you and I will keep showing
you the tools. Some people use the tools without understanding them.
Then it drops and they're like, oh my god, got it?
Like yeah, you have there. It is so the time
factor is individual, and the ways people learn is individual.
(21:13):
Some people want the one on one connection. Some people
want to be taught how to do it themselves in
a community, which I have as well. Everyone's different and
time is different.
Speaker 2 (21:23):
It's so interesting talking about healing the past traumas, whether
that be childhood or more recent. Are there than tools
that we put in place to protect or prepare them
for future trauma? Like what are the self care that
we do now or is there a way to not
necessarily prevent trauma? I mean we can't.
Speaker 1 (21:42):
We can't. So when we look at it, and when
we look at generational trauma, we don't beat our parents up.
They came to us with the toolkit that's full of
coping mechanisms. How do we deal with life? We cope
and that's it. Before that, it was survival. Look at
all the war, the colonization, all the things that we've
got in our ancestral things that have been handed down
to us. What we are doing when we work together
(22:03):
is people are like, oh my god, he's so amazing.
It's like that just means I've put a tool in
your kit. You think I'm amazing. That's great because that
means you're taking the tools and you're filling the toolkit up.
So when the next thing happens, you've got a toolkit
and you go, which tool will I use to deal
with this situation that's in front of me. That's all
it is. And when we are healing our own trauma,
(22:26):
we are creating a secure attachment within ourselves. And when
we have a secure attachment, we have tools available to
us where we will deal with big situations, little situations
very differently. All survival mode means all trauma means it's
my toolkits empty, and all I've got is coping mechanisms.
And maybe that's drugs, alcohol, screens, exercise the greatest tool
(22:52):
we can have, Like until you learn all the tools
and create the secure attachment within self. One of the
greatest tools we can have is curiosity. Believe it or not,
I just had that thought. It's curious, not that stupid.
Oh I just did that. I'm really curious about why
I just did that without judgment, with love and compassion.
I will not say a bad word about myself now ever,
(23:14):
not in my thoughts, not in how I speak to
other people. And I was self put down queen in
my mind and my thoughts and everything. And now I'll
go to say something, it's like nope, And I can
take a long time to say something because it's like,
I don't speak about myself like that now. So how
do I find compassion for myself in every moment? And
that's creating secure attachment within me, that's feeling my toolkit
(23:36):
worth it full of things, so that every part of
me feels safe, so that when a big scary or
horrible event happens in my world, every part of me
feels safe to deal with it because they know I'm safe.
Speaker 3 (23:48):
What advice would you give to loved ones, friends and
family of someone who's going through trauma.
Speaker 1 (23:54):
The biggest thing that when we have an empty toolkit
and we don't have anything to deal with, we've got
no resource. So what you can be for friends and
family going through trauma is a resource, and the resources
not I need to fix and heal you because there's
something wrong with you, a resources that's a lot that
you're doing. Can I come around and can I bring
(24:17):
some food? Can I just drop around? I was a
part of the staining community when I was younger, and
every time somebody had something big happen, and the event
could be birth of a baby, or the event could
be death for family member, or the event could be
something BIG's happened and someone in the family is sick,
everyone in the class bakes a meal and freezes it
and gives it to that family so they know that
there's one thing off their plate. How can you resource
(24:40):
and be there for someone without asking how you are
because it's a really difficult one. What can we do
be there. Can I just come over and watch a movie?
Can I just come over and use your internet and
I'll work in the background, just so you've got someone around, Like,
how do you do that? How do you be a
resource for someone, which is you're not alone in this.
Speaker 2 (25:02):
I'll always be grateful for my workplace doing that. So
for the first twelve months grieving, they provided meals. I
will never be able to thank them enough for organizing that.
And it took so much pressure off. I knew I
was eating nutritious, certainly while I was still pregnant as well,
and then in that newborn phase, I knew they were there.
There was such an army of people to do that,
(25:22):
and they all chicked in so it wasn't a big
ask of anyone individually because it was like sharing the
load for them.
Speaker 1 (25:28):
You know.
Speaker 2 (25:28):
They were telling me that they really enjoyed it and
it was a way that they could support me without
being in my face. And I just, yeah, forever grateful,
yeah as to what that meant, because yes, the food
was wonderful, but I just felt so much love and
I don't know that I've ever actually articulated that. I
really tried to make sure I thanked every individual, but
I don't know that I've ever really been able to
have the capacity to thank them for what it actually
(25:50):
meant beyond the food, Yeah, and the abundance of love
that I always felt. I felt so supported and safe
and held.
Speaker 1 (25:58):
Which is what helped you to process the trauma, which
is why people said you look really strong. And it's like, yeah,
because I've got all of them people holding me up,
So what does it look like. It looks like a meal.
Speaker 2 (26:08):
I actually do remember something that I said in those
early messages was that I felt that my heart was
smashed into a thousand pieces, and I said, you are
one piece of that sticky tape holding me back together.
So I knew that I would never heal and the
heart would never be full again. But I do remember
saying something to that effect around like your piece of
sticky tape.
Speaker 1 (26:28):
And they're just so grateful. Yeah, and each meal is
just that one piece of tape, and asking someone what
you can do sometimes works if somebody is self aware
enough and able to go, jeez, I'd really love a
meal service. And sometimes when you're in the depth of grief,
you have no idea what you need, and so to
have people aware enough to be able to provide that
(26:50):
for you amazing. And what that does is it holds.
It's like a literal someone holding you up to just
go We've got you, and this is hard. We can't
bring him back, but we can do this.
Speaker 2 (27:02):
The final question I want to ask is you know,
obviously you know, I think, Kayla, and I really feel
so connected with what you're saying and really see the
benefit and the value of the work. Do you have
any sort of thoughts that you want to share with
someone who might be hesitant to do this type of
trauma work.
Speaker 1 (27:18):
Trust yourself. Just because you're hearing this with me now,
it doesn't even mean you need to chase me up
and book with me and go deeper into my work.
Get help. And if you have a bad experience with
one person or one therapist or one whatever, that's one.
There are thousands of us in the world, Like I
am not the only one who does this kind of work.
(27:40):
Your body knows the way. And if you're not ready yet,
then you're not ready yet. Be kind to yourself about that.
Don't listen to this and go, oh my god, I've
got trauma. There's something wrong with me. I've got to
go find someone. Now, I've got to look up Tracy,
and I've got all these other things I need to do. No,
when you are ready, your body will tell you when
(28:01):
you're ready, and your body will go, whoa, this is coming. Now,
you're alright, it's time. I had somebody message me three
weeks ago and go, I know it's been a while,
but i'd really like that family constellation session.
Speaker 2 (28:13):
Now.
Speaker 1 (28:13):
It was three years ago that she asked about information
about what I did. She says, I'm so sorry it
took so long. I'm like, why are you sorry? You're
in that phase then of collecting information, of listening. It
was sad and in an external part of your field.
And now three years later it's right and your body
and your body's like, yes, it's time. So if you're
listening to this and you're like, oh my god, we've
(28:34):
all got trauma, here's another thing for me to do.
Only when you're ready, and when you're ready, When your
body tells you you're ready, it's not when I tell
you you're ready. It's not when anyone else tells you
you're ready. The biggest thing that I want people to
have when I work with them, It's like your body
needs to tell you. Everything I'm doing for you is
to reconnect you with the body and the parts of
(28:56):
self that you know it's best for you. Advocate for yourself,
and you can do what you need when you're ready
in the way that suits you.
Speaker 3 (29:05):
I must have done work with a lot of different
people in a lot of different situations. Is there anything
in particular that's a highlight view in your career?
Speaker 1 (29:13):
How people are afterwards, How they come in and they
think there's no way out and they think they're going
to have to live with this and what happens later.
I'm like, hey, going and they can authentically go, just
live in my best life. I'm here, I'm right here,
and I'm present and I'm able to be fully myself.
It's like we constantly think it's about achieving the goal.
(29:36):
You know. Great moments for me come in watching a
video of somebody that I've worked with and I can
hear their authentic voice coming through. It's like, Yeah, that's it,
That's what I live for. It's not about did I
reach that goal? Out there? Am I doing the thing?
It's just about when I interact with someone after I've
worked with them, and I'm like, there you are. That's
(29:56):
what I've been looking for. The wound is healed, and
you've shown up without the mask in front. That's better
than anything else.
Speaker 2 (30:04):
So how can I our listeners continue to learn from
you and stay connected.
Speaker 1 (30:07):
What's the best way social media? EXO tracing alone. It's
the only time where if you put the E in Tracy,
it won't work. So exotracing alone on Instagrams where I
spend most of my time, and my website is you've
got to put the w's in tracingmlone dot co and
I've got loads of free resources because I want people
to get educated and I want us to have a
(30:29):
whole new vocabulary. Because the reason for us healing our
trauma is not so that our kids will never experience trauma.
It's that when our kids have the big events that
happen in front of them, which all of our kids
already have, it will have a massive impact on our
children going forward, but they will have something that we
didn't have, and it's a toolkit full of tools to
(30:52):
do so it will not have the impact on their
lives that it has had on ours.
Speaker 2 (30:57):
Thank you, Tracy, it's been great.
Speaker 1 (30:59):
Thank you so much. Thank you, thanks for getting this
message out there.
Speaker 2 (31:03):
If you loved this episode so please don't keep it
a secret, share it with a friend on social media
and tag us at just life and Lemons. Please click
the follow button and leave us a review. Just Life
and Lemons is not a mental health service or a
substitute for professional mental health advice, treatment, or assessment. Any
conversations in this podcast are general in nature. If you
(31:24):
are struggling, please see a healthcare professional or call Lifeline
on one three one one one four
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