May 26, 2024 • 24 mins
Do you know much about your parents’ social life? Do they regularly catch up for coffee with friends, head out on social outings, or take part in a club? Or are they spending a lot of time alone?
Humans are highly social creatures, and we depend on strong personal relationships with family, friends and our community to support and sustain us through life. Unfortunately, as we age, our social circles can shrink.
But what can we do about it? Prue Bowden, CEO of Australian Unity Home Health, and Jean Kittson AM, performer, author and ‘Parenting Up with Australian Unity’ host, discuss loneliness and aging, and provide tips for helping our parents stay connected.
To learn more about parenting up, visit: https://www.australianunity.com.au/wellbeing/community-and-relationships/helping-your-parents-with-loneliness
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Jean Kittson (00:00):
This is Parenting Up with Australian Unity, a podcast where
we're talking about ageing, and we're looking at some of
those essential conversations that we need to have with our
loved ones as they get older. Hello, my name is
(00:21):
Jean Kittson, and I've had a bit of experience in
this area. Having cared for my own parents for the
last 15 years. I would say mum is just about
to turn 99 and dad just turned 96. I've even
written a book about it to help us all, but
mainly to help me. We need to talk about Mum
and dad. A guide to parenting our ageing parents. Each episode,
(00:44):
I'm going to be joined by expert guests who can
help us navigate these challenging conversations with care and compassion
and empathy and respect. This episode is about friendship and community.
Australian Unity Wellbeing Index research shows there is a strong
(01:04):
link between social connectedness and greater wellbeing, but many people
find that as they age, their social circles shrink and
there's been a really a bit of a loneliness epidemic
in terms of our elders. And it's just really disconcerting
(01:25):
to think that our out of all the things that
can happen as we age, that loneliness would be one
of them. We live in vast cities. There's people everywhere.
And you wonder how that happens. So to discuss this
topic of friendships and communities and how we can keep
making them vibrant, joyful, we have with us. Prue Bowden,
(01:49):
who is the CEO of Home Health at Australian Unity. Welcome, Prue.
Prue Bowden (01:53):
Hey, Jean.
Jean Kittson (01:54):
Hi. How are you.
Prue Bowden (01:55):
Going? Good. Thank you. An important topic to discuss.
Jean Kittson (01:58):
Yes, it is very important. Is there an epidemic of loneliness?
You hear about it a lot?
Prue Bowden (02:04):
Yes. Oh, look, I epidemics are really strong word. But
I think off the back of the experiences with Covid
and isolation, I think there is definitely a lag feeling
post the pandemic of increasing loneliness across our communities. And
there's a difference between feeling alone and being lonely. So
(02:27):
you can live alone, but But you can. You can
not have the feelings of being lonely. And I think
it's about making sure that individuals have a really strong
support network around them to be able to maintain that
sense of connection, and that that is the best way
to ward off those feelings of loneliness, despite the fact
(02:49):
that you may be actually living alone.
Jean Kittson (02:51):
Yes, I suppose as our as we all age, our
social circles shrink. I know for my parents, 99 and 96,
that they've just lost all their friends. Um, I don't
mean lost them, like, oh, where have our friends gone?
I mean, they've died. Yes, their friends have died. And
then their social activities they used to do, like bowling
for vision impaired and things like that. They became less
(03:14):
able to be involved. Yeah. To participate. And then they
had the vision impaired walking group and they could no
longer walk, but happily, um, really happily and gratefully for
us and for my parents. The walking group, um, comes
and visits them now, which is lovely. How do you
(03:36):
manage that when their social circles shrink?
Prue Bowden (03:38):
Yes. So I think it's about finding new connections and
social circles and, um, and, you know, reaching out in
community or working with your aged care provider if you
have the benefit of having support at home to figure
out what what sort of social activities do they offer
that you can you or your parents can participate in?
(04:01):
Because forging new connections is a really important part of it,
not just holding on to connections of of old. And
so I think doing thinking around where do you get joy,
what activities? And as you say with your parents, they
may not be able to walk with the same group anymore,
but they're still able to maintain those social connections just
(04:22):
in a different form. And so I think it's making
sure that you support your loved ones to keep finding
those new connections and ways to have people around them,
and to do meaningful and joyful things together.
Jean Kittson (04:35):
Well, that's right. I mean, one of Mum and Dad's
most important social connections really is the person that comes regularly,
more regularly than me, like five days a week to
help them. Katie, she's just a beautiful person. And, um,
she's started as their care worker. But now they're their
(04:58):
connection is very strong. And that relationship is so important
because there's so much trust there. And they feel, um,
much more empowered when she's the one who's coming to
help them through the day because they've got a real
connection and she knows them. She knows how they like
things done and they know about her life. And so
(05:22):
it's it's a reciprocal relationship. It's not just receiving help,
I think. No. It becomes, as you say, the new community.
Prue Bowden (05:30):
Yes, yes. And I'm sure Katie would be able to
also help your parents understand other ways that they can
connect to social groups and other activities in the community
to also maintain their sense of belonging and, you know,
sort of understanding of what's happening in the communities around them.
Just as much as Katie entering, entering the home and
(05:52):
supporting them on an individual basis.
Jean Kittson (05:55):
Yes. Well, for one thing, she can read all the
newsletters from the retirement village about the social things that
are happening. They're having social things every day. There's even
a sort of, you know, drinkies at 5:00 for anyone
can come, but there's sing songs, there's, um, church services, there's, uh, cards, there's.
Prue Bowden (06:16):
Bingo.
Jean Kittson (06:17):
Bingo, fun things, you know, really, really.
Prue Bowden (06:21):
Reading groups, book clubs. There's so many different things and
I and look through Covid, um, a lot of these
groups moved online. There were different, different modes to help
people stay connected. So I think, you know, if you
have loved ones who are aging, I think it's just
keeping that conversation really open with them are all neighbors,
(06:41):
you know, that you that you might be observing might
be a little bit isolated or suffering some loneliness. Just
engage in some open conversation with them about how they're
maintaining their social connections and what supports that they might
actually need.
Jean Kittson (06:56):
Well, that's right, it's a hard topic. And and someone said,
and I'm thinking about someone who came up to me
the other day and said they were lonely. Someone in
the village. And I thought, you're making yourself even more
vulnerable saying that. And it really touched me. And I thought,
she's surrounded by all these people, but they're very isolated
(07:19):
in their own units. They can be. Yes, there's a
lot of social activities, but you're still lonely. So how
how do we tackle that problem of feeling disconnected? To me,
I think the problem is that we've put a lot
of our elderly with each other and not with us,
so our elders really need to stay connected with the
(07:44):
community as a whole, not just other elders, don't you think?
Prue Bowden (07:47):
Absolutely agree. Absolutely agree. And you look at the phenomena
of these new sort of reality shows that are on
television that show the benefits of the our elders participating
with the younger generation and the way that that gives
them meaning and, and a sense of belonging and, and
a and a different kind of connection with the community.
So I think look, I think it's, it's different for
(08:10):
each individual. Um, and it's very personal what, what loneliness
means and what the solution might be be to sort
of respond to that. But I think it's just being
highly observant with the people in, in your surroundings and
make sure you lean into that conversation with them. And
it's not just particular to our elders in our community.
(08:32):
I mean, loneliness is a phenomena that is affecting all
of our, um, all age groups across our population and
particularly our, our younger generations. Part of the work we
do in home health is, is running a really important
mental health support line, and we observe through the calls
and inquiries we get through that, that loneliness is an
(08:53):
increasing phenomena for the younger generations in our communities as well.
So I think it's it's absolutely being there in the
moment that they need that particular conversation. It's active listening,
and it's really working with them to find a solution
or a point of connection that works for them. And
that is a that is a deeply personal and individual action.
(09:17):
But I think at a macro level, the most important
thing you can do is be present and to create
the space for people to be really honest about how
they're feeling. Because once those feelings are identified, then you
can be in a better place to actually step forward
and make some improvement to help help that person feel
a much more connected with the community or the people
(09:38):
around them.
Jean Kittson (09:39):
And what practical things would you suggest that people. So
for example, the person that said to me that she
was lonely, what practical steps would you suggest that?
Prue Bowden (09:51):
So I think, you know, start in the inner circles and,
and make inquiry about whether that individual has family coming
to visit and frequency of the visits, and perhaps encouraging
her to spend more time with family if they are around, um,
friendship circles. Beyond beyond that. Helping her, um, have confidence
(10:11):
to reach out to her friends. If confidence is the barrier,
or if the friendship circles are no longer around because
people have passed, then it's encouraging her to have the
confidence to foster new relationships. And they might be through
some of those social circles. And it sometimes can be
just small steps, because if it is confidence that's in
(10:32):
the way, and people feeling just uneasy about establishing new
relationships late in life, then, that they're just really small
steps that people need to take to progress towards that. Um, but,
you know, there isn't there isn't a silver bullet with
with this one. It is, uh, as I said, a
deeply personal and individual situation to be managed through. But
(10:54):
I think it's being observant. And, you know, if if
people are coming up and being vulnerable and, and sharing
with where they're at, then I think just being there
and helping them. Solution. What might it be for them?
Jean Kittson (11:06):
It's interesting because I think people can be lonely, even
with a lot of social contact, and people can be
lonely in themselves as they're aging. Yes. And maybe they're
feeling grief about this stage of their lives, and maybe
digging deeper into that to finding out why they're, you know,
(11:28):
because they might have family and friends and be doing activities,
but they still feel lonely. So as you say, it's very,
very individual.
Prue Bowden (11:36):
It's very individual. And and oftentimes we forget our elders,
you know, they they suffer anxiety and depression just just
like other, um, segments of our population, other ages. And
oftentimes as people age, there's also past traumas that come
back that get triggered as well. So sometimes there are
different drivers and it's only through conversation and active listening
(12:00):
can you really understand where that person is at and
then try and meet them with, you know, different, different
steps forward to respond to their particular situation.
Jean Kittson (12:11):
And there's a lot of ageism. I mean, the world
is impatient with old people.
Prue Bowden (12:15):
Yes.
Jean Kittson (12:16):
And so you don't feel welcome in places and you
feel people get irritated with you or they can't be
bothered or you're overlooked or you're invisible. I think ageism
has a lot to do with how our elders feel
about themselves, and because we haven't given them a purpose anymore,
and sometimes they don't even have a purpose in family,
(12:38):
then that can make it be very disempowering.
Prue Bowden (12:40):
Yes. So look, I totally agree, I think, but again,
how you respond to that ageism is a we've got
to start right upstream to, to fix that in our
communities because it does pervade so many things in our
employment settings, in the ways that you attract workforce to
support our elders as they age. Um, it goes to our,
(13:05):
our elders sense of, um, connection to the community and
overall well-being. Um, but it's so all pervasive and it's
a long held construct in our, uh, in our population
that it's going to take some time and energy. And
it takes conversations like this to acknowledge that it does exist.
And and we've got to call it out, and we've
(13:26):
got to take really active steps to remove ageism as
much as we can from our communities.
Jean Kittson (13:33):
Especially I feel our culture, in particular, the Western culture
seems to not have the same sort of respect for
our elders that others seem to have automatically, you know,
First Nation people, they call their elders the elders. They
were where the wisdom is and the experience and the,
(13:54):
you know, the compassion and understanding. But with us, we
don't have that respect.
Prue Bowden (13:59):
Yes, we're one of the countries that has the highest
amount of aging in aged care facilities. You know, many
other equivalent countries like Canada have a lot more parents
aging at home and aging with family support. So I
think it definitely is a particular trend in Western economies
and certainly in in our Australian population, that we tend
(14:22):
to put supports around our parents or move them into
facility based care rather than providing them care in a,
in a family setting. And I totally agree, First Nations people,
you know, the the connection to community, the the feeling
of family much beyond the, the sort of primary unit
(14:43):
is a really important and the way that First Nations
peoples care for their elders and respect their elders is
something we can absolutely learn from and we must learn
from in the future.
Jean Kittson (14:53):
Yes, definitely. I think just understanding those stories are really important.
I'm guilty of sometimes I say to my kids, oh,
can you go and see Mum and Dad this weekend?
I can't go. They go, yeah, we'd love to, you know,
and I'm going, oh I'm sorry. It's sort of a chore,
you know, I don't know why I say it like that, but.
(15:13):
And then they go, yeah, well, we'd love to go. Oh, great. Great.
You know, and then I wrapped myself over the knuckles
and I'm saying, why do.
Prue Bowden (15:20):
Why do you put that tone on it?
Jean Kittson (15:22):
Yes I suppose, um, you know, because, uh, it can
often be it often just naturally just.
Prue Bowden (15:29):
No, no, no, no, it's my family too. And I look,
I think in hindsight, I reflect back on my grandma
and the times that I didn't go and spend time
with her. She's no longer with us. But, um, it
was a little bit of that, that feeling that it
was a it was you were begrudgingly went down there.
But then when you were there, I just loved and
enjoyed her company. And now I miss her. And now
(15:50):
I have regret that I didn't spend more time with her.
And but I think it was absolutely the tone. My,
my mom had that same tone with me, you know,
go and spend some time with your grandma. Can you
do this for me? Yes. Rather than it being something
where we choose to do and my my daughter at
the moment spends, you know, she goes down and has
(16:10):
dinner with my parents once or twice a week, you know,
and she does all of that independently and of her
own accord. And I think fostering those relationships with the
grandchildren and helping them create their independent connections and then
nurturing that over time is a really important way to
help people have, um, greater sense of belonging and to
(16:31):
ward off those feelings of loneliness in the future because
it takes a community to really care for our community,
and we've got to make sure that we support people
with all of those various networks to help them live
and age well at home.
Jean Kittson (16:46):
I think one of the services we haven't talked about
is maybe help with technology. Technology is provide so much
social connection, but sometimes our elders aren't, um, savvy with
the latest. Well, I'm not even savvy with the letters.
I'm not up to it. So is there could they
get help with, uh, maintaining all these wonderful ways to
(17:08):
stay connected even with, like, FaceTime or zooms or things
like that with their family? Look, I think.
Prue Bowden (17:14):
We often assume that our elders don't have the ability
to adopt new technology. And I think we we observe
through Covid that in actual fact, if you spend the
time supporting them and helping them navigate their way through it,
they actually do adopt these new modes of engagement. And
video conferencing was something that we all use through Covid
(17:35):
to maintain connection. So I think it's it's actually maintaining
that post Covid and using those modalities to help people
stay connected in community and stay connected with their loved ones.
And particularly if you know their 96 like your parents
and and functional mobility might be really declining, they are
(17:56):
really important channels to maintain really human connection, because oftentimes
if it's just voice and on the phone, you've got
real challenges with hearing, but you don't pick up all
of the beautiful body language and a sense of seeing
the other person that you're communicating with. So we think
more and more we need to, um, not assume that
our elders won't have the digital literacy. And as more
(18:20):
and more people age with greater levels of digital literacy,
then these will be important channels to helping people stay
connected and and warding off those sense of loneliness.
Jean Kittson (18:29):
That's right. Well, that digital literacy, you know, that is
ageist to assume they can't. My dad was picking up
computers from the side of the road and programming them,
and into his 80s until he lost his sight. But
his office looked like NASA. Well, something like NASA, but
there were reel to reels and videos and they were
(18:50):
all and DVDs and and computers and they were all
linked up somehow. I don't even know how he did it.
And a turntable and speakers. But once he lost his
sight and his dexterity, um, he was unable to continue that.
So this is where you can get some help that
doesn't have to drop off? Yeah. And not asking your
(19:11):
kids because they're too impatient with you? Yeah.
Prue Bowden (19:15):
No. Ask the people who know. And I think the
carers coming in and out of your home, if you
have that. Our benefit can also assist with some using
some of these technologies as well.
Jean Kittson (19:25):
Yes, yes. I mean, one of the problems of talking
about our talking with our parents about their emotional and
mental wellbeing, those conversations are hard to broach without making
them feel more vulnerable. So do you just observe or
do you can you have a conversation like that?
Prue Bowden (19:45):
Well, I think we have to.
Treat our elders in the same way we would treat anyone,
anyone else we were observing who was just not not
their usual self and asking them are they okay? And
checking in with what they need and being available to listen,
I think is the very, very best step. So standing
back and just observing, um, is probably unhelpful. I think
(20:10):
leaning into the conversation and having the courage to open
up the dialogue, I think, is the most important thing
we can do.
Jean Kittson (20:17):
That's right. To be able to face it, it's like
having the difficult conversations about death and dying and grief
at the end of life. They're all difficult, but once
you take the lid off those conversations, they lead to,
you know, enlightenment and and they and and the fear
can leave and it's it's a much better situation than
(20:40):
everyone tiptoeing around. One of the things I think is
really great if you're lonely, you are already feeling really vulnerable,
and you don't even know whether you should go and
see a friend because you think you might be a burden. So.
But if you have in mind, if you think to yourself, oh, well,
I'm seeing my friend because I want to check up
(21:00):
on my friend's well-being. And then that gives you a
motivation and a purpose that is outside yourself. And then
you can just go and have a hug and then
go home again. And beautifully.
Prue Bowden (21:11):
Said. Yeah. Absolutely. Agree. And there's a there's a reciprocal
nature to the conversation. The both of you will benefit
from that discussion. So I think absolutely that's a beautiful
way to think about engaging and encouraging others to engage
in those important discussions.
Jean Kittson (21:27):
Thank you, thank you. Yes. Well, we hope that our elders,
we hope that we all, but particularly our elders, that
their lives always have meaning and purpose. Yes. And then
I don't think we'll have all these problems. That's the aim. Absolutely.
Go forward. Thank you. Absolutely.
Prue Bowden (21:45):
Thanks, Jean.
Jean Kittson (21:46):
So really the key takeaways from this episode is that
there's a big difference between loneliness and being alone. It's
a feelings of loneliness that we should really be concerned about.
So it's important to identify loneliness. Physical health issues such
as reduced mobility can have a huge impact on our
elders ability to maintain relationships, mainly because their social life
(22:11):
just is reduced as a consequence, it's important for our
elders to have connections with each other, of course, but
more important for them to feel that they're connected with
family and with the whole community, not just the people
in the retirement village. Care workers can play a really
important role in maintaining those connections. They can help them
(22:32):
physically maintain those connections, which is why continuity of care
is so important. For more information on this episode, check
the links on the show notes and they'll give you
more information, which is always useful. And if you are
interested in future episodes, then just search Australian Unity in
(22:54):
your favourite podcaster provider. Thanks so much for joining me
for this podcast series. Let's get real about parenting up.
Thank you so much for joining me for this podcast series,
Parenting Up with Australian Unity. I really enjoyed chatting to
all these wonderful experts, and I hope their knowledge and
experience has helped you to support your loved ones and
(23:17):
make sure they are healthy, safe, independent and most importantly,
happy for as long as possible. Thank you. The information
(23:39):
provided in this episode of Parenting Up is general in
nature and does not consider your personal circumstances. Australian unity
accepts no responsibility for the accuracy of any opinions, advice,
representations or information contained in this podcast. Listeners should rely
(23:59):
on their own independent advice and inquiries when making decisions
affecting their own or their loved ones finances, health, wellbeing
or other interests.
This is Parenting Up with Australian Unity, a podcast where
we're talking about ageing, and we're looking at some of
those essential conversations that we need to have with our
loved ones as they get older. Hello, my name is
(00:21):
Jean Kittson, and I've had a bit of experience in
this area. Having cared for my own parents for the
last 15 years. I would say mum is just about
to turn 99 and dad just turned 96. I've even
written a book about it to help us all, but
mainly to help me. We need to talk about Mum
and dad. A guide to parenting our ageing parents. Each episode,
(00:44):
I'm going to be joined by expert guests who can
help us navigate these challenging conversations with care and compassion
and empathy and respect. This episode is about friendship and community.
Australian Unity Wellbeing Index research shows there is a strong
(01:04):
link between social connectedness and greater wellbeing, but many people
find that as they age, their social circles shrink and
there's been a really a bit of a loneliness epidemic
in terms of our elders. And it's just really disconcerting
(01:25):
to think that our out of all the things that
can happen as we age, that loneliness would be one
of them. We live in vast cities. There's people everywhere.
And you wonder how that happens. So to discuss this
topic of friendships and communities and how we can keep
making them vibrant, joyful, we have with us. Prue Bowden,
(01:49):
who is the CEO of Home Health at Australian Unity. Welcome, Prue.
Prue Bowden (01:53):
Hey, Jean.
Jean Kittson (01:54):
Hi. How are you.
Prue Bowden (01:55):
Going? Good. Thank you. An important topic to discuss.
Jean Kittson (01:58):
Yes, it is very important. Is there an epidemic of loneliness?
You hear about it a lot?
Prue Bowden (02:04):
Yes. Oh, look, I epidemics are really strong word. But
I think off the back of the experiences with Covid
and isolation, I think there is definitely a lag feeling
post the pandemic of increasing loneliness across our communities. And
there's a difference between feeling alone and being lonely. So
(02:27):
you can live alone, but But you can. You can
not have the feelings of being lonely. And I think
it's about making sure that individuals have a really strong
support network around them to be able to maintain that
sense of connection, and that that is the best way
to ward off those feelings of loneliness, despite the fact
(02:49):
that you may be actually living alone.
Jean Kittson (02:51):
Yes, I suppose as our as we all age, our
social circles shrink. I know for my parents, 99 and 96,
that they've just lost all their friends. Um, I don't
mean lost them, like, oh, where have our friends gone?
I mean, they've died. Yes, their friends have died. And
then their social activities they used to do, like bowling
for vision impaired and things like that. They became less
(03:14):
able to be involved. Yeah. To participate. And then they
had the vision impaired walking group and they could no
longer walk, but happily, um, really happily and gratefully for
us and for my parents. The walking group, um, comes
and visits them now, which is lovely. How do you
(03:36):
manage that when their social circles shrink?
Prue Bowden (03:38):
Yes. So I think it's about finding new connections and
social circles and, um, and, you know, reaching out in
community or working with your aged care provider if you
have the benefit of having support at home to figure
out what what sort of social activities do they offer
that you can you or your parents can participate in?
(04:01):
Because forging new connections is a really important part of it,
not just holding on to connections of of old. And
so I think doing thinking around where do you get joy,
what activities? And as you say with your parents, they
may not be able to walk with the same group anymore,
but they're still able to maintain those social connections just
(04:22):
in a different form. And so I think it's making
sure that you support your loved ones to keep finding
those new connections and ways to have people around them,
and to do meaningful and joyful things together.
Jean Kittson (04:35):
Well, that's right. I mean, one of Mum and Dad's
most important social connections really is the person that comes regularly,
more regularly than me, like five days a week to
help them. Katie, she's just a beautiful person. And, um,
she's started as their care worker. But now they're their
(04:58):
connection is very strong. And that relationship is so important
because there's so much trust there. And they feel, um,
much more empowered when she's the one who's coming to
help them through the day because they've got a real
connection and she knows them. She knows how they like
things done and they know about her life. And so
(05:22):
it's it's a reciprocal relationship. It's not just receiving help,
I think. No. It becomes, as you say, the new community.
Prue Bowden (05:30):
Yes, yes. And I'm sure Katie would be able to
also help your parents understand other ways that they can
connect to social groups and other activities in the community
to also maintain their sense of belonging and, you know,
sort of understanding of what's happening in the communities around them.
Just as much as Katie entering, entering the home and
(05:52):
supporting them on an individual basis.
Jean Kittson (05:55):
Yes. Well, for one thing, she can read all the
newsletters from the retirement village about the social things that
are happening. They're having social things every day. There's even
a sort of, you know, drinkies at 5:00 for anyone
can come, but there's sing songs, there's, um, church services, there's, uh, cards, there's.
Prue Bowden (06:16):
Bingo.
Jean Kittson (06:17):
Bingo, fun things, you know, really, really.
Prue Bowden (06:21):
Reading groups, book clubs. There's so many different things and
I and look through Covid, um, a lot of these
groups moved online. There were different, different modes to help
people stay connected. So I think, you know, if you
have loved ones who are aging, I think it's just
keeping that conversation really open with them are all neighbors,
(06:41):
you know, that you that you might be observing might
be a little bit isolated or suffering some loneliness. Just
engage in some open conversation with them about how they're
maintaining their social connections and what supports that they might
actually need.
Jean Kittson (06:56):
Well, that's right, it's a hard topic. And and someone said,
and I'm thinking about someone who came up to me
the other day and said they were lonely. Someone in
the village. And I thought, you're making yourself even more
vulnerable saying that. And it really touched me. And I thought,
she's surrounded by all these people, but they're very isolated
(07:19):
in their own units. They can be. Yes, there's a
lot of social activities, but you're still lonely. So how
how do we tackle that problem of feeling disconnected? To me,
I think the problem is that we've put a lot
of our elderly with each other and not with us,
so our elders really need to stay connected with the
(07:44):
community as a whole, not just other elders, don't you think?
Prue Bowden (07:47):
Absolutely agree. Absolutely agree. And you look at the phenomena
of these new sort of reality shows that are on
television that show the benefits of the our elders participating
with the younger generation and the way that that gives
them meaning and, and a sense of belonging and, and
a and a different kind of connection with the community.
So I think look, I think it's, it's different for
(08:10):
each individual. Um, and it's very personal what, what loneliness
means and what the solution might be be to sort
of respond to that. But I think it's just being
highly observant with the people in, in your surroundings and
make sure you lean into that conversation with them. And
it's not just particular to our elders in our community.
(08:32):
I mean, loneliness is a phenomena that is affecting all
of our, um, all age groups across our population and
particularly our, our younger generations. Part of the work we
do in home health is, is running a really important
mental health support line, and we observe through the calls
and inquiries we get through that, that loneliness is an
(08:53):
increasing phenomena for the younger generations in our communities as well.
So I think it's it's absolutely being there in the
moment that they need that particular conversation. It's active listening,
and it's really working with them to find a solution
or a point of connection that works for them. And
that is a that is a deeply personal and individual action.
(09:17):
But I think at a macro level, the most important
thing you can do is be present and to create
the space for people to be really honest about how
they're feeling. Because once those feelings are identified, then you
can be in a better place to actually step forward
and make some improvement to help help that person feel
a much more connected with the community or the people
(09:38):
around them.
Jean Kittson (09:39):
And what practical things would you suggest that people. So
for example, the person that said to me that she
was lonely, what practical steps would you suggest that?
Prue Bowden (09:51):
So I think, you know, start in the inner circles and,
and make inquiry about whether that individual has family coming
to visit and frequency of the visits, and perhaps encouraging
her to spend more time with family if they are around, um,
friendship circles. Beyond beyond that. Helping her, um, have confidence
(10:11):
to reach out to her friends. If confidence is the barrier,
or if the friendship circles are no longer around because
people have passed, then it's encouraging her to have the
confidence to foster new relationships. And they might be through
some of those social circles. And it sometimes can be
just small steps, because if it is confidence that's in
(10:32):
the way, and people feeling just uneasy about establishing new
relationships late in life, then, that they're just really small
steps that people need to take to progress towards that. Um, but,
you know, there isn't there isn't a silver bullet with
with this one. It is, uh, as I said, a
deeply personal and individual situation to be managed through. But
(10:54):
I think it's being observant. And, you know, if if
people are coming up and being vulnerable and, and sharing
with where they're at, then I think just being there
and helping them. Solution. What might it be for them?
Jean Kittson (11:06):
It's interesting because I think people can be lonely, even
with a lot of social contact, and people can be
lonely in themselves as they're aging. Yes. And maybe they're
feeling grief about this stage of their lives, and maybe
digging deeper into that to finding out why they're, you know,
(11:28):
because they might have family and friends and be doing activities,
but they still feel lonely. So as you say, it's very,
very individual.
Prue Bowden (11:36):
It's very individual. And and oftentimes we forget our elders,
you know, they they suffer anxiety and depression just just
like other, um, segments of our population, other ages. And
oftentimes as people age, there's also past traumas that come
back that get triggered as well. So sometimes there are
different drivers and it's only through conversation and active listening
(12:00):
can you really understand where that person is at and
then try and meet them with, you know, different, different
steps forward to respond to their particular situation.
Jean Kittson (12:11):
And there's a lot of ageism. I mean, the world
is impatient with old people.
Prue Bowden (12:15):
Yes.
Jean Kittson (12:16):
And so you don't feel welcome in places and you
feel people get irritated with you or they can't be
bothered or you're overlooked or you're invisible. I think ageism
has a lot to do with how our elders feel
about themselves, and because we haven't given them a purpose anymore,
and sometimes they don't even have a purpose in family,
(12:38):
then that can make it be very disempowering.
Prue Bowden (12:40):
Yes. So look, I totally agree, I think, but again,
how you respond to that ageism is a we've got
to start right upstream to, to fix that in our
communities because it does pervade so many things in our
employment settings, in the ways that you attract workforce to
support our elders as they age. Um, it goes to our,
(13:05):
our elders sense of, um, connection to the community and
overall well-being. Um, but it's so all pervasive and it's
a long held construct in our, uh, in our population
that it's going to take some time and energy. And
it takes conversations like this to acknowledge that it does exist.
And and we've got to call it out, and we've
(13:26):
got to take really active steps to remove ageism as
much as we can from our communities.
Jean Kittson (13:33):
Especially I feel our culture, in particular, the Western culture
seems to not have the same sort of respect for
our elders that others seem to have automatically, you know,
First Nation people, they call their elders the elders. They
were where the wisdom is and the experience and the,
(13:54):
you know, the compassion and understanding. But with us, we
don't have that respect.
Prue Bowden (13:59):
Yes, we're one of the countries that has the highest
amount of aging in aged care facilities. You know, many
other equivalent countries like Canada have a lot more parents
aging at home and aging with family support. So I
think it definitely is a particular trend in Western economies
and certainly in in our Australian population, that we tend
(14:22):
to put supports around our parents or move them into
facility based care rather than providing them care in a,
in a family setting. And I totally agree, First Nations people,
you know, the the connection to community, the the feeling
of family much beyond the, the sort of primary unit
(14:43):
is a really important and the way that First Nations
peoples care for their elders and respect their elders is
something we can absolutely learn from and we must learn
from in the future.
Jean Kittson (14:53):
Yes, definitely. I think just understanding those stories are really important.
I'm guilty of sometimes I say to my kids, oh,
can you go and see Mum and Dad this weekend?
I can't go. They go, yeah, we'd love to, you know,
and I'm going, oh I'm sorry. It's sort of a chore,
you know, I don't know why I say it like that, but.
(15:13):
And then they go, yeah, well, we'd love to go. Oh, great. Great.
You know, and then I wrapped myself over the knuckles
and I'm saying, why do.
Prue Bowden (15:20):
Why do you put that tone on it?
Jean Kittson (15:22):
Yes I suppose, um, you know, because, uh, it can
often be it often just naturally just.
Prue Bowden (15:29):
No, no, no, no, it's my family too. And I look,
I think in hindsight, I reflect back on my grandma
and the times that I didn't go and spend time
with her. She's no longer with us. But, um, it
was a little bit of that, that feeling that it
was a it was you were begrudgingly went down there.
But then when you were there, I just loved and
enjoyed her company. And now I miss her. And now
(15:50):
I have regret that I didn't spend more time with her.
And but I think it was absolutely the tone. My,
my mom had that same tone with me, you know,
go and spend some time with your grandma. Can you
do this for me? Yes. Rather than it being something
where we choose to do and my my daughter at
the moment spends, you know, she goes down and has
(16:10):
dinner with my parents once or twice a week, you know,
and she does all of that independently and of her
own accord. And I think fostering those relationships with the
grandchildren and helping them create their independent connections and then
nurturing that over time is a really important way to
help people have, um, greater sense of belonging and to
(16:31):
ward off those feelings of loneliness in the future because
it takes a community to really care for our community,
and we've got to make sure that we support people
with all of those various networks to help them live
and age well at home.
Jean Kittson (16:46):
I think one of the services we haven't talked about
is maybe help with technology. Technology is provide so much
social connection, but sometimes our elders aren't, um, savvy with
the latest. Well, I'm not even savvy with the letters.
I'm not up to it. So is there could they
get help with, uh, maintaining all these wonderful ways to
(17:08):
stay connected even with, like, FaceTime or zooms or things
like that with their family? Look, I think.
Prue Bowden (17:14):
We often assume that our elders don't have the ability
to adopt new technology. And I think we we observe
through Covid that in actual fact, if you spend the
time supporting them and helping them navigate their way through it,
they actually do adopt these new modes of engagement. And
video conferencing was something that we all use through Covid
(17:35):
to maintain connection. So I think it's it's actually maintaining
that post Covid and using those modalities to help people
stay connected in community and stay connected with their loved ones.
And particularly if you know their 96 like your parents
and and functional mobility might be really declining, they are
(17:56):
really important channels to maintain really human connection, because oftentimes
if it's just voice and on the phone, you've got
real challenges with hearing, but you don't pick up all
of the beautiful body language and a sense of seeing
the other person that you're communicating with. So we think
more and more we need to, um, not assume that
our elders won't have the digital literacy. And as more
(18:20):
and more people age with greater levels of digital literacy,
then these will be important channels to helping people stay
connected and and warding off those sense of loneliness.
Jean Kittson (18:29):
That's right. Well, that digital literacy, you know, that is
ageist to assume they can't. My dad was picking up
computers from the side of the road and programming them,
and into his 80s until he lost his sight. But
his office looked like NASA. Well, something like NASA, but
there were reel to reels and videos and they were
(18:50):
all and DVDs and and computers and they were all
linked up somehow. I don't even know how he did it.
And a turntable and speakers. But once he lost his
sight and his dexterity, um, he was unable to continue that.
So this is where you can get some help that
doesn't have to drop off? Yeah. And not asking your
(19:11):
kids because they're too impatient with you? Yeah.
Prue Bowden (19:15):
No. Ask the people who know. And I think the
carers coming in and out of your home, if you
have that. Our benefit can also assist with some using
some of these technologies as well.
Jean Kittson (19:25):
Yes, yes. I mean, one of the problems of talking
about our talking with our parents about their emotional and
mental wellbeing, those conversations are hard to broach without making
them feel more vulnerable. So do you just observe or
do you can you have a conversation like that?
Prue Bowden (19:45):
Well, I think we have to.
Treat our elders in the same way we would treat anyone,
anyone else we were observing who was just not not
their usual self and asking them are they okay? And
checking in with what they need and being available to listen,
I think is the very, very best step. So standing
back and just observing, um, is probably unhelpful. I think
(20:10):
leaning into the conversation and having the courage to open
up the dialogue, I think, is the most important thing
we can do.
Jean Kittson (20:17):
That's right. To be able to face it, it's like
having the difficult conversations about death and dying and grief
at the end of life. They're all difficult, but once
you take the lid off those conversations, they lead to,
you know, enlightenment and and they and and the fear
can leave and it's it's a much better situation than
(20:40):
everyone tiptoeing around. One of the things I think is
really great if you're lonely, you are already feeling really vulnerable,
and you don't even know whether you should go and
see a friend because you think you might be a burden. So.
But if you have in mind, if you think to yourself, oh, well,
I'm seeing my friend because I want to check up
(21:00):
on my friend's well-being. And then that gives you a
motivation and a purpose that is outside yourself. And then
you can just go and have a hug and then
go home again. And beautifully.
Prue Bowden (21:11):
Said. Yeah. Absolutely. Agree. And there's a there's a reciprocal
nature to the conversation. The both of you will benefit
from that discussion. So I think absolutely that's a beautiful
way to think about engaging and encouraging others to engage
in those important discussions.
Jean Kittson (21:27):
Thank you, thank you. Yes. Well, we hope that our elders,
we hope that we all, but particularly our elders, that
their lives always have meaning and purpose. Yes. And then
I don't think we'll have all these problems. That's the aim. Absolutely.
Go forward. Thank you. Absolutely.
Prue Bowden (21:45):
Thanks, Jean.
Jean Kittson (21:46):
So really the key takeaways from this episode is that
there's a big difference between loneliness and being alone. It's
a feelings of loneliness that we should really be concerned about.
So it's important to identify loneliness. Physical health issues such
as reduced mobility can have a huge impact on our
elders ability to maintain relationships, mainly because their social life
(22:11):
just is reduced as a consequence, it's important for our
elders to have connections with each other, of course, but
more important for them to feel that they're connected with
family and with the whole community, not just the people
in the retirement village. Care workers can play a really
important role in maintaining those connections. They can help them
(22:32):
physically maintain those connections, which is why continuity of care
is so important. For more information on this episode, check
the links on the show notes and they'll give you
more information, which is always useful. And if you are
interested in future episodes, then just search Australian Unity in
(22:54):
your favourite podcaster provider. Thanks so much for joining me
for this podcast series. Let's get real about parenting up.
Thank you so much for joining me for this podcast series,
Parenting Up with Australian Unity. I really enjoyed chatting to
all these wonderful experts, and I hope their knowledge and
experience has helped you to support your loved ones and
(23:17):
make sure they are healthy, safe, independent and most importantly,
happy for as long as possible. Thank you. The information
(23:39):
provided in this episode of Parenting Up is general in
nature and does not consider your personal circumstances. Australian unity
accepts no responsibility for the accuracy of any opinions, advice,
representations or information contained in this podcast. Listeners should rely
(23:59):
on their own independent advice and inquiries when making decisions
affecting their own or their loved ones finances, health, wellbeing
or other interests.
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