August 11, 2025 • 36 mins
Dr. Jeffrey Du shares groundbreaking research identifying four key factors for a stronger marriage: commitment, protectiveness, shared religious attendance, and regular date nights. These factors emerged from data collected from over 2,000 individuals across the United States, focusing specifically on elements within couples' control.
• Commitment means intentionally prioritizing your spouse and marriage amid busy lives
• Protectiveness involves emotional safeguarding, loyalty, and consistently having your spouse's back
• Shared religious attendance creates deeper connection through joint spiritual experiences
• Regular date nights (at least twice monthly) significantly boost marital happiness
• Shared financial decision-making and joint bank accounts correlate with higher marital satisfaction
• Small, daily actions matter more for relationship health than occasional grand gestures
• Marriage requires intentionality – like a plant needing daily sunshine and regular water
• Premarital education provides couples with important foundations for success
For more information, visit the Institute for Family Studies website or contact Dr. Jeffrey Du directly at jeff_du@byu.edu.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:04):
On today's episode.
Dr Liz and I welcome Dr JeffreyDu to the show.
Based on a recent researchreport, he shares four keys for
a stronger marriage.
Connection With years ofexpertise in family finances,
jeff also shares some helpfulresearch-based tips to help
couples manage their money.
Dr Jeffrey Du is a professor inthe School of Family Life at
Brigham Young University.
(00:25):
He received a dual-titled PhDin HDFS and Demography from the
Pennsylvania State University.
He taught for seven years atUtah State University and is in
his ninth year of teaching atBYU.
Dr Dew's research focuses onhow everyday matters such as
financial issues impact marriage.
We hope you enjoy the show.
Hey there, friends.
(00:51):
Welcome to another episode ofthe Stronger Marriage Connection
podcast.
I'm Dr Dave here at Utah StateUniversity Extension, alongside
Dr Liz Hale, our psychologistand therapist.
We're really on a mission tobring you the best we have in
research and resources, alongwith a few tips and tools to
help you create the marriage ofyour dreams.
All right, our guest today is afriend and colleague who
(01:15):
actually worked here at USU fora few years before making the
switch down to Brigham YoungUniversity.
He is well known for his greatwork related to money and
marriage, but recently he andsome colleagues conducted some
research that looked at fourways to create a stronger
marriage.
So here to discuss those keysand more is dr Jeff, do welcome
(01:35):
to the show.
Yeah, thanks, dave, thanks.
Speaker 2 (01:38):
Liz, thank you.
Speaker 1 (01:39):
Thank you, lovely having you we're excited for our
discussion today.
Jeff, can you set up ourdiscussion today by telling us
about the a little bit about therecent research project and
what you're hoping to discover,and why?
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (01:53):
So, you know, we had data from over 2000 individuals
across the United States and oneof the things that we were
interested in was, you know, tolook at those things that you
know pretty much anyone can doright, the things that are under
our control, because there's somuch that is not under our
control but what are the thingsthat are under our control that
(02:15):
are really the top helps increating a happier and a more
stable, more stable marriage,and so that's what we were
hoping to achieve.
Speaker 1 (02:25):
Good yeah, thank you.
Speaker 2 (02:28):
And so there are four factors here.
I understand.
In your marital happinessevaluation, your research
identifies commitment,protectiveness, shared religious
attendance and regular datenights.
Okay, let's start withcommitment.
I mean, we just all have busylives, juggling multiple
responsibilities.
Sometimes it feels likemarriage our key relationship,
(02:49):
gets pushed to the back burner.
So how can we husbands andwives ensure that relationships
remain more important thanalmost anything else, as your
research suggests that it shouldbe?
Speaker 3 (03:07):
it should be, yeah.
So I think it's such a goodquestion because I think that we
do get busy and we're puttingout fires and we're reaching our
next goals in our careers andall that kind of stuff, and so I
think the big takeaway, or thebig idea for me from this
research is to make sure thatyou're being intentional about
doing things with your spouse,helping your spouse.
(03:28):
We often talk about this idea ofstrengthening our marriage and,
you know, and for therapists,this idea of marriage kind of
being a little bit separate andapart from the couples, or
something that is bigger thanthe parts of the whole, a little
bit separate and apart from thecouples, or or something that
is bigger than the parts of theof the whole.
I think if we turn toward eachother and look at each other as
(03:51):
spouses and kind of just dothose small things every day,
you know a little bit ofaffection, you know a little bit
of of connection and you know,just by saying I am going to do
this for my spouse, you know,today, I think that that's what
(04:14):
commitment is is to put themarriage admittedly, there's so
much, so much we have to do, butto make sure that your marriage
is in that list somewhere nearthe top, and doing something for
your spouse that they'llappreciate is somewhere near the
top.
I think that's really important.
Speaker 1 (04:34):
This idea of intentionality when it comes to
commitment and letting them andI guess others know right, jeff,
that we're committed to eachother.
Now, protectiveness the reporthighlights how important it is
to have a protective spouse aswell.
That can be sometimes aconfusing term.
Tell us a little bit more aboutwhat you mean exactly, jeff,
(04:56):
with protectiveness.
Speaker 3 (04:58):
Yeah.
So we asked couples to ratetheir spouse on 10 different
attributes, and protectivenesswas one of them, and it was just
that one word, and we didn'task anything else about it, and
so we were surprised to see thatcome out above other things,
and so we don't really know whatit means.
(05:19):
The fact that it boosts bothhusband's marriage and wife's
marriage about the same amountactually leads us to believe
that this is not physicalprotection, right, this is not.
The wolves are attacking thevillage and the man goes out to
beat the wolves.
That's not what we're talkingabout.
I think we're talking aboutloyalty.
(05:39):
We don't know, but I'm thinkingwe're talking about loyalty.
I'm thinking we're talkingabout protecting each other's
feelings, protecting each otherin, you know, social situations
where you stick up for yourspouse, and things like that,
and so I think I think that'sreally the what we're looking at
(05:59):
, really the what we're lookingat, and that seems to resonate
even with some of the researchthat I've done on the that were
born with these three needs ofsafety, satisfaction and
connection.
Speaker 1 (06:11):
It feels like it is this, this emotional again, I
don't think it's the you know,food, clothing, shelter, type of
safety.
It's more of this emotionalfeeling.
I can, I can, I can risk that,I am like I can risk that I am
seen, that I am known, that youget me this, this intimacy that
means into me.
You see, right, it's this um,we have something that we need
to protect and that we don't.
(06:31):
I don't make fun of you, youknow, when we're out joking with
our friends or that type ofprotagonist, so it is maybe a
little bit uh difficult to toreally understand why people
chose that one, but I think itis.
It's's an interesting one thatI'm a little bit surprised as
well, but maybe it's some ofthat.
Liz, what are your thoughtswhen you think of protectionism.
Speaker 2 (06:50):
I love this whole thought, right For sure.
I mean, nothing feels betterthan to know that that one
person in the whole world hasyour back.
There is just that protectivecoating, no matter what, what
I've got, that one person who'sstanding for me, even if I'm
wrong, right, even if whateveris my fault, they're still still
(07:10):
by my side, around my back.
You know for, for a woman, whatare some specific ways we can
communicate that need forprotection of our husband?
And and then how can we in turnshow protective behaviors
towards him?
I would love to know, please,jeff.
Speaker 3 (07:27):
Yeah, so this is a hard one because, again, we
don't know exactly what it means.
But I like what you said, liz,about always having someone's
back, especially, or even you'rewrong, and so you know.
So I think what one of the waysthat that you can communicate
(07:48):
that is if something happens,bring it up, talk about it,
right.
So if your spouse kind of goeslow on the protection, then
afterward, hey, I would haveappreciated it if you had done
it this way.
You know which you know.
You already have to have goodcommunication, a good
relationship, to do that anyway.
(08:08):
But you know, communicatingyour joke, um, or or or even uh,
makes a remark that is a littlebit at your expense, um, you
(08:31):
know, just telling them later.
You know you may have thoughtthis was funny or or whatever,
um, but when we're out togetherI really need you to, um, you
know, build me up in the eyes ofwhoever you know, your
colleagues or whatever, um someof her friends and, um, his wife
(08:53):
told about the situation where,um, she had been totally wrong.
And her friend said, oh, andI'll bet your husband just said
(09:13):
you know, oh, I told you so.
And one of her other friendswho knew the husband said, oh,
no, he's not like that, he, youknow he'll, he'll just he'll,
he'll just let it go, it go.
He won't, he won't, he won'teven bring it up, you know.
And so I think it's just thisdesire to be loyal, this desire
to really put your spouse, youknow, step in front of your
(09:36):
spouse so they don't have totake, you know, some of the,
some of the blame, or even ifthey're having a hard time and
you know, say they're having aproblem with a colleague at work
, really supporting them andeven if you think they're
totally wrong about a socialsituation, you know, just, yeah,
that is, you know, yoursupervisor is just so wrong, you
(09:56):
know, and things like thatMaybe don't goad them into, you
know, telling off their boss oranything like that, but yeah,
just really supporting them,being loyal to them showing them
that you're on the same team.
Speaker 1 (10:08):
Yeah, on the same team.
I like that.
Now I have another follow upquestion with this, jeff.
What are your thoughts on eventhe protectiveness from children
?
Let's say, you know childrenare being very disrespectful, or
teenagers, you know, or we'regoing off, or you know to help
us, help us understand whatmight protection look like in
those types of family situations?
Speaker 3 (10:30):
Yeah.
So I think you know, I thinkit's just really important to
always be presenting a unitedfront as far as what mom and dad
think you know, and as far aswhat mom and dad want and what
the rules are and so forth, andas far as what mom and dad want
and what the rules are, and soforth, which means that mom and
dad need to be communicatingwith each other about family
rules and about parenting beforeyou know this situation comes
(10:56):
up, so that, so that then theycan present a united front
because they've talked about itbefore.
So again, I think part of it'sjust intentionality, right?
Speaker 1 (11:05):
The parents talk to each other about what we're
going to do and and things yeah,and even in other situations,
you know, with in-laws or, oryou know, family parties or
get-togethers or thanksgiving orwhatever it is just knowing
that protection, like it doesn'tneed to be this confrontational
blow-up or anything right, butto really know that, hey, I have
your.
You know, talking that way toher or him is is is unacceptable
(11:27):
, and being there, havingsomeone almost stand up for you
in a way when there's situationsare tense.
Speaker 3 (11:33):
Yeah, and you know, I think, um, I think that is, uh,
especially important tocommunicate to um, your, your
children, that, hey, you know,please don't talk about your
mother or please don't talkabout your father that way, um,
you know, and, and give themreasons that are personal.
You know, I love him, I loveher, you know, and, um, I don't
(11:56):
like it when people aredisrespect my, you know,
disrespect my spouse.
So, you know, even my kids,right, and that was actually one
of the things you know, if, if,we wanted to make our dad mad,
the easiest way was to talk backto my mom, and so, you know, I
thought that was, that wasalways an interesting example to
(12:17):
me, yeah, a great example.
Speaker 1 (12:20):
Yeah, jeff, another one of these the the in your
research report importance of,you know, these day nights of
spending time meaningful.
Another one of these in yourresearch report the importance
of these date nights of spendingtime of meaningful what we call
, in the name of our podcast,stronger Marriage Connection,
doing those things to keep yourconnection strong.
I think, though, today correctme if I'm wrong, jeff that many
couples today really struggle tofind a consistent date night
(12:41):
right Scheduled with childcare,or we got soccer games or
practices or meetings, and orfinances can afford it or simply
just exhausted and you knowwhat, let's stay home tonight.
It's just easier not to doanything intentional to
strengthen our relationship.
Do you have, I'm curious, doyou have creative, low cost date
night ideas that don't require,sometimes don't require,
(13:03):
leaving home?
Even that your research showare valuable?
Speaker 3 (13:08):
Yeah, so.
So I don't have much researchon that, but I have thought
about it and looked at whatother people say.
One of the things that wasreally intriguing to me was
reading a book together.
Pick a book you know and readit together, switch off on
chapters or pages or whatever.
I thought that was reallyinteresting.
(13:29):
If you have a joint hobby thatcan be done at home, invest in
that.
If you don't pick one rightthat you can do together at home
and you know one of the otherones that it's not quite done at
home, but just even the walksyou know the walks and the talks
that you take are so justrelationally healthy and
(13:50):
physically healthy too Rightwhen it comes to walks.
The other thing that I thoughtwas was kind of fun was one was
have your own in-home movietheater, right.
So you get the kids in bed andthen you pop popcorn and you lay
out some candy and you pretendthat you're actually at the
theater and watch a movie.
So it's not just you know,click there, it is, you know,
(14:11):
but actually kind of spice it upand make it a little bit more
fun.
Speaker 1 (14:15):
I love that, yeah, and I love you spoke.
One that we often do is just gofor a walk.
So, especially now thatweather's a little bit better,
at least here in Utah, go orwalk.
We should just go for a walk,especially now the weather's a
little bit better, at least herein Utah We'll go walk around
and just chat Good for ourhearts, good for our heads, and
we could just, yeah, chat witheach other.
Love it.
We'll be right back after thisbrief message and we're back.
Speaker 2 (14:48):
Let's dive right in for those who do attend
religious services with theirspouses, so they go together,
what are some practical waysthey can extend that same
experience into home life tofurther strengthen their
marriage?
What, jeff, what do you think?
Speaker 3 (15:04):
Yeah.
So I think, really, whateverreligious tradition that you are
part of, and having gonetogether with your spouse and
that's the thing that we foundor was important in our research
it wasn't just religiousattendance, it was attending
(15:25):
with your spouse, I think, tobring that home right, if you
want to even just say, you go toreligious worship service and
you just ask or you talk aboutthe sermon that you heard, right
, or you, you know, just talkabout some of these other
spiritual matters again, justmake it intentional.
And then, of course, there'sreading holy texts together and
(15:50):
there's worship or prayer thatcan be done together, and even
song and music that you can dowith your spouse and or with
your kids, and just really bringthat religious experience into
the home.
And a lot of times scientistswill split it out.
(16:11):
They've got the publicbehaviors, the public religious
behaviors, and you've got theprivate religious behaviors, and
those private religiousbehaviors can be really
important in terms of boostingyour quality of life and your
marriage as well.
So just you know, doing thosethings that will help you
experience your relationshipwith the divine together.
Speaker 2 (16:34):
So again, these four factors.
I really love these four.
Marital happiness we've gotcommitment, protectiveness,
shared religious attendance andregular date nights.
Those sound really powerful.
Is that research you've donewith a collective group, jeff?
Speaker 3 (16:55):
Yeah, so I did it with some of the researchers
from Wheatley Institution hereat BYU and the National Marriage
Project out at the Universityof Virginia, and again we were
just interested in finding thesethings that really can be under
our control, you know, and canenhance relationships.
(17:15):
And we had, we threw a wholebunch of variables you know, I'm
not going to go into thestatistics much, but we had 10
or 11 or 12 in there and we werelooking for the top four, and
those top four seem to be prettysimple and pretty manageable
and things that are really underour control.
But again, it takes thatintentionality.
(17:35):
It takes putting marriage upinto your priority list, high up
into your priority list, andthen keep it there and keep
focusing, week after week, dayafter day.
Speaker 2 (17:47):
What was the regular date night?
Just frequency.
What was that?
Was that monthly?
Was it every other month?
Speaker 3 (17:52):
Yeah, it was multiple times a month.
So two or more times a month,no kidding.
Speaker 2 (17:58):
Two or more times a month.
Wonderful Frequency was a bigpart of that.
We talk about frequency in someother domain, not frequency and
date night, as much I like that.
It kind of goes back tocommitment too, doesn't it?
I think they go hand in hand.
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (18:15):
Yeah, jeff, I can't interview you without bringing
up finances again.
That may not have been in thein the top four.
Yeah, I know with all yourbackground and experience in
finances, I mean it goes alongwith date nights and some of
these other things that do costmoney and it's one of the top,
if I'm not mistaken, areas ofconflict for a lot of couples.
(18:36):
Do you have any kind of go-tofinance tips for our listeners
today?
Speaker 3 (18:42):
Yeah, I think.
Number one, that financialpower in marriage, the financial
decision making it needs to beabsolutely shared, right?
You can't have one partner kindof dominating over the other in
the financial area.
It just doesn't work and thento kind of go along with that.
One of the ways to achieve thatis making sure that both
(19:03):
spouses have equal voice when itcomes to making their budget or
their spending plan, because asthey do that, then they will
have to compromise, they'll haveto get on the same page, and so
it will be work together.
But then once they get thisjoint budget that they both
approve of, they both like thenthey're both, they have more
(19:26):
stake in it, right?
They're both more likely tofollow it.
And so I think those two thingsare key just make sure that the
power is shared.
And then making sure that bothspouses are participating in the
budgeting.
It doesn't matter if one orboth are tracking the spending
(19:47):
and things like that, but whenit comes to the plan for
spending right before the fact,both spouses need to be involved
.
Speaker 1 (19:57):
Yeah, I love those and I'm going to this is almost
a selfish ask here, jeff with adaughter who's getting married
this coming Saturday, anotherdaughter who's been the first
couple of years of her marriage.
When it comes to finances orany of these other areas that
we've been talking about, anytips for those who are just
beginning, you know, the first,let's say, married five years or
(20:17):
less.
Speaker 3 (20:19):
Yeah, okay.
So it's important to realizethat you're both coming from
different cultures, right?
Each family that you grew up inare different cultures.
Honestly, they're just littlemicrocultures, and so you're
coming together, and when you'retalking about money, you're
talking about things that aregoing to be deeply personal but
that people don't think verymuch about.
(20:40):
You know, on our consciouslevel, we just always do it this
way in our family when it comesto money, just because that's
what we always do, right?
And so I think couples who areabout to be married or who are
recently married, I think theyactually need to explore
together and talk about howmoney was treated in their
(21:00):
family of origin, the importanceof it, what their parents
thought money was best spent on,because that can vary widely
right, in terms of what money isbest used for.
And do it in a non-judgmentalway.
Right, because there are many,many ways to do finances, right.
And so, just to you know you'recoming from these two cultures.
(21:24):
Get together, talk about yourtwo cultures, but now you're
joining together and you'remaking your own culture, and so
you know you want to.
You want to make sure thatyou're on the same page,
essentially, and the other thing, too, is to join your bank
accounts.
You know that's been talkedabout before and people have
(21:46):
always.
You know that's been talkedabout before and people have
always.
You know there's been researchand the research has always
always shown that people whojoin their financial accounts
are happier.
But we've never known.
Is it the happier people jointheir accounts right Because you
would expect that, because theytrust their spouse more and
things like that, or is it theactual joining that makes them
(22:07):
happier?
And someone actually was ableto do a randomized control group
experimental design, and theytook a whole bunch of newlyweds
who agreed to do this andrandomly put the newlyweds in
either the group that was goingto join their finances or the
group that wasn't.
And then they followed thosegroups over time and what they
found was that over time thecouples that had joined their
(22:29):
finances were happier than thecouples that had not.
And so we actually get somefairly causal evidence that
joining your finances after youget married not before, right,
but after you get married, Ithink can also enhance marital
trust, right?
Marital transparency.
It can keep you from engagingin, you know, financial
(22:51):
temptations without telling yourspouse.
You know that kind of thing.
Speaker 1 (22:54):
So yeah, yeah.
Wise words, yeah, a lot ofwisdom there.
Thanks, jeff.
Speaker 2 (23:00):
There's probably more where that came from right.
I mean, just in honor ofMallory and Dave getting married
on Saturday.
Dr Ju, what else do you advisefor these beautiful new couples
that are starting off on theright foot?
So we've talked about finances,talking about commitment, how
to put each other first, theprotectiveness what about?
What other things?
(23:21):
Gosh in-laws come to mind,sexual connection, any other
thoughts?
Can we pick your brain?
Speaker 3 (23:28):
Yeah, sure, and honestly, liz, you know you're a
therapist and Dave you're, youknow you do a whole lot of
practical research in your Ialmost said 4-H but in your
extension work.
So I think a lot of things thatcan be handled before the
(23:50):
marriage, to the extent thatthey can be handled, I think
they should be like talkingabout money, like talking about
expectations when it comes tothe in-laws.
You know, and I think actuallywe can, we can weave in
protectiveness here, right, youjust to each other.
You know when, when I'm at yourin-laws place, I need you to
(24:10):
stick up for me, and when we'reyours, I will stick up for you
and just make sure that you'rekeeping your marriage in front
of.
You know, necessarily, yourrelationship with your parents
or whatever, it's your marriagethat matters most.
So so I think I don't, I don'tknow I think marriage,
(24:32):
premarital education I think isis really important because
they'll go over some of thethings that maybe people don't
even think about before they getmarried, and I just think
that's a terrific idea.
And you know, when couples dopremarital education together,
then they, you know, then theyhave just such, a, such an
(24:52):
advantage.
I think.
Speaker 2 (24:55):
Yeah, well said, and I wish I wish more young couples
did take advantage of it.
You know, I've certainly seenmy share through the years and
I'm just always so excited whensomeone realizes gosh, we want
to do this right.
And yet I also think it'sprobably never too late, right?
Speaker 3 (25:10):
Absolutely, yeah, absolutely.
Speaker 2 (25:14):
Well, dr Du, tell us where can our listeners go,
please.
Or maybe I'm jumping ahead,dave, forgive me, I am.
Speaker 1 (25:20):
No, go ahead.
Speaker 3 (25:21):
Yeah, so I can share the link to our report.
It is on the Institute forFamily Studies web page and it's
one of the main.
It's one of the main reportsthey've done recently.
So I will send the specificlink link to you that you can
share with your listeners andthen they can.
(25:45):
You know, maybe you can evenput the link with the podcast,
just so they can find the report.
Speaker 2 (25:50):
But I'd love to do that.
Speaker 1 (25:53):
Yeah, yeah, we'll put that in our show notes, jeff.
Any other ways of getting inand touch with your reports?
I guess we could put yourGoogle scholar link in there.
People are interested in any ofthe other research.
We'll be sure to put that in aswell.
Speaker 3 (26:07):
Yeah, but certainly my email.
You know certainly my emailaddress, jeff underscore.
Do at byuedu.
I'm always interested in, youknow, getting emails from
whomever.
Speaker 1 (26:17):
Awesome, yeah, thank you.
Hey, jeff, it's tradition as wewrap things up to ask a couple
of questions to all of ourguests, the first one being what
do you feel like is the key ora key to a stronger marriage
connection?
Speaker 3 (26:30):
Yeah, I can't emphasize enough how making the
marriage not just about therelationship itself, but also
focusing on your spouse andaccepting them for who they are
and doing things with them,spending time with them, showing
them affection right, we allneed to belong, as Dave said,
(26:54):
and to just do those littlethings.
My metaphor for marriage is aplant, and you know it just
needs daily sun, it needs somewater regularly, and I think
marriages just need that.
Right, it's not enough to go ona romantic cruise once a year,
although that would be great,right, it's the little things,
(27:15):
it's the reconnection, it'sputting your spouse, you know,
in the top three or four or fiveof your, you know, of your
priorities, five of yourpriorities.
It's just, I think, soimportant to show hey, I'm here
for you, I love you, I want toconnect with you, I want to
invest in our relationship and Ithink when both spouses do that
(27:36):
, I just think you have such anincredible relationship.
Well said, my friend, and thismay be similar, but it may be
different as far as we call it atakeaway of the day.
(27:57):
Is there a take home messagefrom the research or otherwise
that you hope our listeners willremember from our discussion
today?
To our relationships, there arethings that we can do Even if
we've had no psychologicaltraining or anything like that.
There are some small everydaythings that we can do that will
build our relationships, and soI think that's nice that we can
(28:18):
do this right.
We can make good relationshipshappen, focusing on our spouse,
things like that.
Speaker 1 (28:24):
Yeah, wonderful.
Thanks, liz.
What about you?
What's your takeaway of the day?
Speaker 2 (28:28):
I just so appreciate researchers like Dr Du and this
group who are continuallystaying up on research.
I just think that's reallylovely, and I think this might
be the very first time that Ihave heard regarding regular
date night or dating, that it istwo or more per month.
(28:50):
It's really quite something andit certainly falls in line with
the other principles Well,commitment, mainly commitment,
as well as protectiveness.
That makes a lot of sense, andmaybe that religious attendance
also.
Maybe there's a little bit ofdating in there too, who knows?
But two or more, that reallystruck me today.
Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 3 (29:12):
And, frankly, if you can't do two or more, strive for
one or you know, strive for oneor more a month.
You know because and it again,I like well, when I teach our
students about retirement, Iteach financial, financial
essentials here at BYU, and theydo the calculations and they
see this number that's always inthe millions and some of them
(29:33):
are just like oh, I can two ormore times a month.
Well, there's no way I canhandle that Great.
Can you do one a month or oneevery six weeks?
Some is better than none, right, I guess?
Speaker 2 (29:52):
Yeah, and I think maybe it's possible to
underestimate that.
Oh, it's like well, I guess wekind of had a date yesterday or
Saturday.
It was unplanned, but we endedup going to the drive-thru and
that was kind of cool.
We're going to call that asweet day.
Yeah, come on.
Yeah, absolutely.
We just need to look moreclearly too.
What about you, dave?
What's the rich nugget that youhope we can all remember
(30:15):
together from our time with DrJeff Dew?
Speaker 1 (30:18):
Yeah, you know, jeff, I hadn't thought about
protectiveness.
That one still is kind ofringing in my ears as far and
what that might mean.
And I thought about what thatmight mean is the emotional
protectiveness, or with yourkids and their respect, or
in-laws, or just with friends,just this whole idea of this
protection.
I'm going to protect ourrelationship to me and like I'm
(30:48):
gonna make my spouse, my wife, apriority in my life and not let
other things um hurt or harm orcome you know, um I guess
impede kind of on us and and inparticular her, that I'll be
there for her and stand up forher and uh, we're on the same,
we're on the same team, we're inthis, this together.
So I thought so I thought thatwas that was interesting.
Speaker 3 (31:05):
Yeah, and, and you know I mean it, it, it, even.
Every couple is going to havefights, every couple is going to
have disagreements, Right, andand and the thing is just to
come back together and keepnurturing the relationship, even
though you've had a fight, youknow, even if it didn't get
resolved.
Right.
I know from the research thatmoney fights, for example, take
(31:26):
a while to resolve months if notyears.
And so, hey, yeah, you fight,you disagree, you're not happy
with them, you don't like them,even necessarily at that
particular point.
But just just get back togetherand keep nurturing and doing
the small things and and justreally trying to advance the
welfare of your spouse, reallyhelp them out, throw them that
(31:47):
you're there.
Speaker 1 (31:48):
Yeah, yeah, thanks, jeff.
I might close with a little.
That's just inspired a littleexample story, so indulge me for
a second as I share this.
My mom, my parents, they livein Payson, so not too far, yeah,
I don't mean Southern UtahCounty and my mom just had knee
surgery a little over a monthago.
So my dad's been kneereplacement, so she replaced her
(32:11):
knee.
My dad's been there for her youknow he's in his low 80s and
helping her get around and getthings and get off the couch.
And just shortly after thefirst few days she was laying
down on a couch, sleeping on acouch.
She used to be propped up andmy sister spent a couple of
nights there.
So she shared this with me andmy dad would.
Literally he was on the groundnext to her and half of him was
(32:33):
underneath the kitchen table andhe's on this little air
mattress just in case she neededto get up and help her to the
bathroom and things.
He could be there for her.
And one night night themedications were making her sick
the painkillers and so she'ssitting in the bathroom and then
the tub is right next to thetoilet.
She throws up sorry for beingso graphic she throws up into
the toilet and there's my dad atthree in the morning helping my
(32:54):
mom back to the couch and thenhe goes into the bathtub and
he's scrubbing it and washingthings down at 80 years old.
And I just think, man, that'swho I want to be right, and just
caring, the kindness, theconcern.
He knows she's in pain but he'sgoing to lay right next to her,
uncomfortable as that is,laying on the kitchen floor, you
(33:17):
know, on this living room floor, and then just getting up and
helping her and then cleaning upafter her.
I think, yeah, that's what it's, that's who I want to try to be
is like my parents and theirmarriage.
But it's this outward mindset,anyway, that our discussion has
been about.
Speaker 3 (33:34):
To me, that's a perfect example of commitment,
right.
Speaker 1 (33:38):
Yes, yeah, he's by her.
He's by her side.
Yeah, to the very end.
No matter what.
Yeah that, she's by her, he'sby her side.
Yeah, to the very end.
Speaker 2 (33:45):
No matter what, yeah, that she's going through.
I've got your back, I've gotyour front.
I've got the tub, I've got allof it, yeah, I've got you.
Speaker 1 (33:50):
Yeah, I've got you.
Well, thanks so much, Jeff, forcoming on and sharing so much
wisdom with us today.
Speaker 3 (33:58):
I'm happy to anytime.
Speaker 1 (34:00):
All right, friends, that does it for us.
We will see you again next timeon another episode of the
Stronger Marriage Connectionpodcast.
Speaker 2 (34:06):
And remember it's the small things that create a
stronger marriage connection.
Take good care now.
Speaker 1 (34:15):
Thanks for joining us today.
Hey, do us a favor and take asecond to subscribe to our
podcast and the Utah MarriageCommission YouTube channel at
Utah Marriage Commission, whereyou can watch this and every
episode of the show.
Be sure to smash the likebutton, leave a comment and
share this episode with a friend.
You can also follow andinteract with us on Instagram at
(34:36):
Stronger Marriage Life, andFacebook at Stronger Marriage,
so be sure to share with uswhich topics you loved or which
guests we should have on theshow.
Next, if you want even moreresources to improve your
marriage or relationshipconnection, visit
StrongerMarriageorg, whereyou'll find free workshops,
e-courses, in-depth webinars,relationship surveys and more.
(34:57):
Each episode of StrongerMarriage Connection is hosted
and sponsored by the UtahMarriage Commission at Utah
State University.
And finally, a big thanks toour producer, rex Polanis, and
the team at Utah StateUniversity and you, our audience
.
You make this show possible.
The opinions, findings,conclusions and recommendations
expressed in this podcast do notnecessarily reflect the views
(35:21):
of the Utah Marriage Commission.
On today's episode.
Dr Liz and I welcome Dr JeffreyDu to the show.
Based on a recent researchreport, he shares four keys for
a stronger marriage.
Connection With years ofexpertise in family finances,
jeff also shares some helpfulresearch-based tips to help
couples manage their money.
Dr Jeffrey Du is a professor inthe School of Family Life at
Brigham Young University.
(00:25):
He received a dual-titled PhDin HDFS and Demography from the
Pennsylvania State University.
He taught for seven years atUtah State University and is in
his ninth year of teaching atBYU.
Dr Dew's research focuses onhow everyday matters such as
financial issues impact marriage.
We hope you enjoy the show.
Hey there, friends.
(00:51):
Welcome to another episode ofthe Stronger Marriage Connection
podcast.
I'm Dr Dave here at Utah StateUniversity Extension, alongside
Dr Liz Hale, our psychologistand therapist.
We're really on a mission tobring you the best we have in
research and resources, alongwith a few tips and tools to
help you create the marriage ofyour dreams.
All right, our guest today is afriend and colleague who
(01:15):
actually worked here at USU fora few years before making the
switch down to Brigham YoungUniversity.
He is well known for his greatwork related to money and
marriage, but recently he andsome colleagues conducted some
research that looked at fourways to create a stronger
marriage.
So here to discuss those keysand more is dr Jeff, do welcome
(01:35):
to the show.
Yeah, thanks, dave, thanks.
Speaker 2 (01:38):
Liz, thank you.
Speaker 1 (01:39):
Thank you, lovely having you we're excited for our
discussion today.
Jeff, can you set up ourdiscussion today by telling us
about the a little bit about therecent research project and
what you're hoping to discover,and why?
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (01:53):
So, you know, we had data from over 2000 individuals
across the United States and oneof the things that we were
interested in was, you know, tolook at those things that you
know pretty much anyone can doright, the things that are under
our control, because there's somuch that is not under our
control but what are the thingsthat are under our control that
(02:15):
are really the top helps increating a happier and a more
stable, more stable marriage,and so that's what we were
hoping to achieve.
Speaker 1 (02:25):
Good yeah, thank you.
Speaker 2 (02:28):
And so there are four factors here.
I understand.
In your marital happinessevaluation, your research
identifies commitment,protectiveness, shared religious
attendance and regular datenights.
Okay, let's start withcommitment.
I mean, we just all have busylives, juggling multiple
responsibilities.
Sometimes it feels likemarriage our key relationship,
(02:49):
gets pushed to the back burner.
So how can we husbands andwives ensure that relationships
remain more important thanalmost anything else, as your
research suggests that it shouldbe?
Speaker 3 (03:07):
it should be, yeah.
So I think it's such a goodquestion because I think that we
do get busy and we're puttingout fires and we're reaching our
next goals in our careers andall that kind of stuff, and so I
think the big takeaway, or thebig idea for me from this
research is to make sure thatyou're being intentional about
doing things with your spouse,helping your spouse.
(03:28):
We often talk about this idea ofstrengthening our marriage and,
you know, and for therapists,this idea of marriage kind of
being a little bit separate andapart from the couples, or
something that is bigger thanthe parts of the whole, a little
bit separate and apart from thecouples, or or something that
is bigger than the parts of theof the whole.
I think if we turn toward eachother and look at each other as
(03:51):
spouses and kind of just dothose small things every day,
you know a little bit ofaffection, you know a little bit
of of connection and you know,just by saying I am going to do
this for my spouse, you know,today, I think that that's what
(04:14):
commitment is is to put themarriage admittedly, there's so
much, so much we have to do, butto make sure that your marriage
is in that list somewhere nearthe top, and doing something for
your spouse that they'llappreciate is somewhere near the
top.
I think that's really important.
Speaker 1 (04:34):
This idea of intentionality when it comes to
commitment and letting them andI guess others know right, jeff,
that we're committed to eachother.
Now, protectiveness the reporthighlights how important it is
to have a protective spouse aswell.
That can be sometimes aconfusing term.
Tell us a little bit more aboutwhat you mean exactly, jeff,
(04:56):
with protectiveness.
Speaker 3 (04:58):
Yeah.
So we asked couples to ratetheir spouse on 10 different
attributes, and protectivenesswas one of them, and it was just
that one word, and we didn'task anything else about it, and
so we were surprised to see thatcome out above other things,
and so we don't really know whatit means.
(05:19):
The fact that it boosts bothhusband's marriage and wife's
marriage about the same amountactually leads us to believe
that this is not physicalprotection, right, this is not.
The wolves are attacking thevillage and the man goes out to
beat the wolves.
That's not what we're talkingabout.
I think we're talking aboutloyalty.
(05:39):
We don't know, but I'm thinkingwe're talking about loyalty.
I'm thinking we're talkingabout protecting each other's
feelings, protecting each otherin, you know, social situations
where you stick up for yourspouse, and things like that,
and so I think I think that'sreally the what we're looking at
(05:59):
, really the what we're lookingat, and that seems to resonate
even with some of the researchthat I've done on the that were
born with these three needs ofsafety, satisfaction and
connection.
Speaker 1 (06:11):
It feels like it is this, this emotional again, I
don't think it's the you know,food, clothing, shelter, type of
safety.
It's more of this emotionalfeeling.
I can, I can, I can risk that,I am like I can risk that I am
seen, that I am known, that youget me this, this intimacy that
means into me.
You see, right, it's this um,we have something that we need
to protect and that we don't.
(06:31):
I don't make fun of you, youknow, when we're out joking with
our friends or that type ofprotagonist, so it is maybe a
little bit uh difficult to toreally understand why people
chose that one, but I think itis.
It's's an interesting one thatI'm a little bit surprised as
well, but maybe it's some ofthat.
Liz, what are your thoughtswhen you think of protectionism.
Speaker 2 (06:50):
I love this whole thought, right For sure.
I mean, nothing feels betterthan to know that that one
person in the whole world hasyour back.
There is just that protectivecoating, no matter what, what
I've got, that one person who'sstanding for me, even if I'm
wrong, right, even if whateveris my fault, they're still still
(07:10):
by my side, around my back.
You know for, for a woman, whatare some specific ways we can
communicate that need forprotection of our husband?
And and then how can we in turnshow protective behaviors
towards him?
I would love to know, please,jeff.
Speaker 3 (07:27):
Yeah, so this is a hard one because, again, we
don't know exactly what it means.
But I like what you said, liz,about always having someone's
back, especially, or even you'rewrong, and so you know.
So I think what one of the waysthat that you can communicate
(07:48):
that is if something happens,bring it up, talk about it,
right.
So if your spouse kind of goeslow on the protection, then
afterward, hey, I would haveappreciated it if you had done
it this way.
You know which you know.
You already have to have goodcommunication, a good
relationship, to do that anyway.
(08:08):
But you know, communicatingyour joke, um, or or or even uh,
makes a remark that is a littlebit at your expense, um, you
(08:31):
know, just telling them later.
You know you may have thoughtthis was funny or or whatever,
um, but when we're out togetherI really need you to, um, you
know, build me up in the eyes ofwhoever you know, your
colleagues or whatever, um someof her friends and, um, his wife
(08:53):
told about the situation where,um, she had been totally wrong.
And her friend said, oh, andI'll bet your husband just said
(09:13):
you know, oh, I told you so.
And one of her other friendswho knew the husband said, oh,
no, he's not like that, he, youknow he'll, he'll just he'll,
he'll just let it go, it go.
He won't, he won't, he won'teven bring it up, you know.
And so I think it's just thisdesire to be loyal, this desire
to really put your spouse, youknow, step in front of your
(09:36):
spouse so they don't have totake, you know, some of the,
some of the blame, or even ifthey're having a hard time and
you know, say they're having aproblem with a colleague at work
, really supporting them andeven if you think they're
totally wrong about a socialsituation, you know, just, yeah,
that is, you know, yoursupervisor is just so wrong, you
(09:56):
know, and things like thatMaybe don't goad them into, you
know, telling off their boss oranything like that, but yeah,
just really supporting them,being loyal to them showing them
that you're on the same team.
Speaker 1 (10:08):
Yeah, on the same team.
I like that.
Now I have another follow upquestion with this, jeff.
What are your thoughts on eventhe protectiveness from children
?
Let's say, you know childrenare being very disrespectful, or
teenagers, you know, or we'regoing off, or you know to help
us, help us understand whatmight protection look like in
those types of family situations?
Speaker 3 (10:30):
Yeah.
So I think you know, I thinkit's just really important to
always be presenting a unitedfront as far as what mom and dad
think you know, and as far aswhat mom and dad want and what
the rules are and so forth, andas far as what mom and dad want
and what the rules are, and soforth, which means that mom and
dad need to be communicatingwith each other about family
rules and about parenting beforeyou know this situation comes
(10:56):
up, so that, so that then theycan present a united front
because they've talked about itbefore.
So again, I think part of it'sjust intentionality, right?
Speaker 1 (11:05):
The parents talk to each other about what we're
going to do and and things yeah,and even in other situations,
you know, with in-laws or, oryou know, family parties or
get-togethers or thanksgiving orwhatever it is just knowing
that protection, like it doesn'tneed to be this confrontational
blow-up or anything right, butto really know that, hey, I have
your.
You know, talking that way toher or him is is is unacceptable
(11:27):
, and being there, havingsomeone almost stand up for you
in a way when there's situationsare tense.
Speaker 3 (11:33):
Yeah, and you know, I think, um, I think that is, uh,
especially important tocommunicate to um, your, your
children, that, hey, you know,please don't talk about your
mother or please don't talkabout your father that way, um,
you know, and, and give themreasons that are personal.
You know, I love him, I loveher, you know, and, um, I don't
(11:56):
like it when people aredisrespect my, you know,
disrespect my spouse.
So, you know, even my kids,right, and that was actually one
of the things you know, if, if,we wanted to make our dad mad,
the easiest way was to talk backto my mom, and so, you know, I
thought that was, that wasalways an interesting example to
(12:17):
me, yeah, a great example.
Speaker 1 (12:20):
Yeah, jeff, another one of these the the in your
research report importance of,you know, these day nights of
spending time meaningful.
Another one of these in yourresearch report the importance
of these date nights of spendingtime of meaningful what we call
, in the name of our podcast,stronger Marriage Connection,
doing those things to keep yourconnection strong.
I think, though, today correctme if I'm wrong, jeff that many
couples today really struggle tofind a consistent date night
(12:41):
right Scheduled with childcare,or we got soccer games or
practices or meetings, and orfinances can afford it or simply
just exhausted and you knowwhat, let's stay home tonight.
It's just easier not to doanything intentional to
strengthen our relationship.
Do you have, I'm curious, doyou have creative, low cost date
night ideas that don't require,sometimes don't require,
(13:03):
leaving home?
Even that your research showare valuable?
Speaker 3 (13:08):
Yeah, so.
So I don't have much researchon that, but I have thought
about it and looked at whatother people say.
One of the things that wasreally intriguing to me was
reading a book together.
Pick a book you know and readit together, switch off on
chapters or pages or whatever.
I thought that was reallyinteresting.
(13:29):
If you have a joint hobby thatcan be done at home, invest in
that.
If you don't pick one rightthat you can do together at home
and you know one of the otherones that it's not quite done at
home, but just even the walksyou know the walks and the talks
that you take are so justrelationally healthy and
(13:50):
physically healthy too Rightwhen it comes to walks.
The other thing that I thoughtwas was kind of fun was one was
have your own in-home movietheater, right.
So you get the kids in bed andthen you pop popcorn and you lay
out some candy and you pretendthat you're actually at the
theater and watch a movie.
So it's not just you know,click there, it is, you know,
(14:11):
but actually kind of spice it upand make it a little bit more
fun.
Speaker 1 (14:15):
I love that, yeah, and I love you spoke.
One that we often do is just gofor a walk.
So, especially now thatweather's a little bit better,
at least here in Utah, go orwalk.
We should just go for a walk,especially now the weather's a
little bit better, at least herein Utah We'll go walk around
and just chat Good for ourhearts, good for our heads, and
we could just, yeah, chat witheach other.
Love it.
We'll be right back after thisbrief message and we're back.
Speaker 2 (14:48):
Let's dive right in for those who do attend
religious services with theirspouses, so they go together,
what are some practical waysthey can extend that same
experience into home life tofurther strengthen their
marriage?
What, jeff, what do you think?
Speaker 3 (15:04):
Yeah.
So I think, really, whateverreligious tradition that you are
part of, and having gonetogether with your spouse and
that's the thing that we foundor was important in our research
it wasn't just religiousattendance, it was attending
(15:25):
with your spouse, I think, tobring that home right, if you
want to even just say, you go toreligious worship service and
you just ask or you talk aboutthe sermon that you heard, right
, or you, you know, just talkabout some of these other
spiritual matters again, justmake it intentional.
And then, of course, there'sreading holy texts together and
(15:50):
there's worship or prayer thatcan be done together, and even
song and music that you can dowith your spouse and or with
your kids, and just really bringthat religious experience into
the home.
And a lot of times scientistswill split it out.
(16:11):
They've got the publicbehaviors, the public religious
behaviors, and you've got theprivate religious behaviors, and
those private religiousbehaviors can be really
important in terms of boostingyour quality of life and your
marriage as well.
So just you know, doing thosethings that will help you
experience your relationshipwith the divine together.
Speaker 2 (16:34):
So again, these four factors.
I really love these four.
Marital happiness we've gotcommitment, protectiveness,
shared religious attendance andregular date nights.
Those sound really powerful.
Is that research you've donewith a collective group, jeff?
Speaker 3 (16:55):
Yeah, so I did it with some of the researchers
from Wheatley Institution hereat BYU and the National Marriage
Project out at the Universityof Virginia, and again we were
just interested in finding thesethings that really can be under
our control, you know, and canenhance relationships.
(17:15):
And we had, we threw a wholebunch of variables you know, I'm
not going to go into thestatistics much, but we had 10
or 11 or 12 in there and we werelooking for the top four, and
those top four seem to be prettysimple and pretty manageable
and things that are really underour control.
But again, it takes thatintentionality.
(17:35):
It takes putting marriage upinto your priority list, high up
into your priority list, andthen keep it there and keep
focusing, week after week, dayafter day.
Speaker 2 (17:47):
What was the regular date night?
Just frequency.
What was that?
Was that monthly?
Was it every other month?
Speaker 3 (17:52):
Yeah, it was multiple times a month.
So two or more times a month,no kidding.
Speaker 2 (17:58):
Two or more times a month.
Wonderful Frequency was a bigpart of that.
We talk about frequency in someother domain, not frequency and
date night, as much I like that.
It kind of goes back tocommitment too, doesn't it?
I think they go hand in hand.
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (18:15):
Yeah, jeff, I can't interview you without bringing
up finances again.
That may not have been in thein the top four.
Yeah, I know with all yourbackground and experience in
finances, I mean it goes alongwith date nights and some of
these other things that do costmoney and it's one of the top,
if I'm not mistaken, areas ofconflict for a lot of couples.
(18:36):
Do you have any kind of go-tofinance tips for our listeners
today?
Speaker 3 (18:42):
Yeah, I think.
Number one, that financialpower in marriage, the financial
decision making it needs to beabsolutely shared, right?
You can't have one partner kindof dominating over the other in
the financial area.
It just doesn't work and thento kind of go along with that.
One of the ways to achieve thatis making sure that both
(19:03):
spouses have equal voice when itcomes to making their budget or
their spending plan, because asthey do that, then they will
have to compromise, they'll haveto get on the same page, and so
it will be work together.
But then once they get thisjoint budget that they both
approve of, they both like thenthey're both, they have more
(19:26):
stake in it, right?
They're both more likely tofollow it.
And so I think those two thingsare key just make sure that the
power is shared.
And then making sure that bothspouses are participating in the
budgeting.
It doesn't matter if one orboth are tracking the spending
(19:47):
and things like that, but whenit comes to the plan for
spending right before the fact,both spouses need to be involved
.
Speaker 1 (19:57):
Yeah, I love those and I'm going to this is almost
a selfish ask here, jeff with adaughter who's getting married
this coming Saturday, anotherdaughter who's been the first
couple of years of her marriage.
When it comes to finances orany of these other areas that
we've been talking about, anytips for those who are just
beginning, you know, the first,let's say, married five years or
(20:17):
less.
Speaker 3 (20:19):
Yeah, okay.
So it's important to realizethat you're both coming from
different cultures, right?
Each family that you grew up inare different cultures.
Honestly, they're just littlemicrocultures, and so you're
coming together, and when you'retalking about money, you're
talking about things that aregoing to be deeply personal but
that people don't think verymuch about.
(20:40):
You know, on our consciouslevel, we just always do it this
way in our family when it comesto money, just because that's
what we always do, right?
And so I think couples who areabout to be married or who are
recently married, I think theyactually need to explore
together and talk about howmoney was treated in their
(21:00):
family of origin, the importanceof it, what their parents
thought money was best spent on,because that can vary widely
right, in terms of what money isbest used for.
And do it in a non-judgmentalway.
Right, because there are many,many ways to do finances, right.
And so, just to you know you'recoming from these two cultures.
(21:24):
Get together, talk about yourtwo cultures, but now you're
joining together and you'remaking your own culture, and so
you know you want to.
You want to make sure thatyou're on the same page,
essentially, and the other thing, too, is to join your bank
accounts.
You know that's been talkedabout before and people have
(21:46):
always.
You know that's been talkedabout before and people have
always.
You know there's been researchand the research has always
always shown that people whojoin their financial accounts
are happier.
But we've never known.
Is it the happier people jointheir accounts right Because you
would expect that, because theytrust their spouse more and
things like that, or is it theactual joining that makes them
(22:07):
happier?
And someone actually was ableto do a randomized control group
experimental design, and theytook a whole bunch of newlyweds
who agreed to do this andrandomly put the newlyweds in
either the group that was goingto join their finances or the
group that wasn't.
And then they followed thosegroups over time and what they
found was that over time thecouples that had joined their
(22:29):
finances were happier than thecouples that had not.
And so we actually get somefairly causal evidence that
joining your finances after youget married not before, right,
but after you get married, Ithink can also enhance marital
trust, right?
Marital transparency.
It can keep you from engagingin, you know, financial
(22:51):
temptations without telling yourspouse.
You know that kind of thing.
Speaker 1 (22:54):
So yeah, yeah.
Wise words, yeah, a lot ofwisdom there.
Thanks, jeff.
Speaker 2 (23:00):
There's probably more where that came from right.
I mean, just in honor ofMallory and Dave getting married
on Saturday.
Dr Ju, what else do you advisefor these beautiful new couples
that are starting off on theright foot?
So we've talked about finances,talking about commitment, how
to put each other first, theprotectiveness what about?
What other things?
(23:21):
Gosh in-laws come to mind,sexual connection, any other
thoughts?
Can we pick your brain?
Speaker 3 (23:28):
Yeah, sure, and honestly, liz, you know you're a
therapist and Dave you're, youknow you do a whole lot of
practical research in your Ialmost said 4-H but in your
extension work.
So I think a lot of things thatcan be handled before the
(23:50):
marriage, to the extent thatthey can be handled, I think
they should be like talkingabout money, like talking about
expectations when it comes tothe in-laws.
You know, and I think actuallywe can, we can weave in
protectiveness here, right, youjust to each other.
You know when, when I'm at yourin-laws place, I need you to
(24:10):
stick up for me, and when we'reyours, I will stick up for you
and just make sure that you'rekeeping your marriage in front
of.
You know, necessarily, yourrelationship with your parents
or whatever, it's your marriagethat matters most.
So so I think I don't, I don'tknow I think marriage,
(24:32):
premarital education I think isis really important because
they'll go over some of thethings that maybe people don't
even think about before they getmarried, and I just think
that's a terrific idea.
And you know, when couples dopremarital education together,
then they, you know, then theyhave just such, a, such an
(24:52):
advantage.
I think.
Speaker 2 (24:55):
Yeah, well said, and I wish I wish more young couples
did take advantage of it.
You know, I've certainly seenmy share through the years and
I'm just always so excited whensomeone realizes gosh, we want
to do this right.
And yet I also think it'sprobably never too late, right?
Speaker 3 (25:10):
Absolutely, yeah, absolutely.
Speaker 2 (25:14):
Well, dr Du, tell us where can our listeners go,
please.
Or maybe I'm jumping ahead,dave, forgive me, I am.
Speaker 1 (25:20):
No, go ahead.
Speaker 3 (25:21):
Yeah, so I can share the link to our report.
It is on the Institute forFamily Studies web page and it's
one of the main.
It's one of the main reportsthey've done recently.
So I will send the specificlink link to you that you can
share with your listeners andthen they can.
(25:45):
You know, maybe you can evenput the link with the podcast,
just so they can find the report.
Speaker 2 (25:50):
But I'd love to do that.
Speaker 1 (25:53):
Yeah, yeah, we'll put that in our show notes, jeff.
Any other ways of getting inand touch with your reports?
I guess we could put yourGoogle scholar link in there.
People are interested in any ofthe other research.
We'll be sure to put that in aswell.
Speaker 3 (26:07):
Yeah, but certainly my email.
You know certainly my emailaddress, jeff underscore.
Do at byuedu.
I'm always interested in, youknow, getting emails from
whomever.
Speaker 1 (26:17):
Awesome, yeah, thank you.
Hey, jeff, it's tradition as wewrap things up to ask a couple
of questions to all of ourguests, the first one being what
do you feel like is the key ora key to a stronger marriage
connection?
Speaker 3 (26:30):
Yeah, I can't emphasize enough how making the
marriage not just about therelationship itself, but also
focusing on your spouse andaccepting them for who they are
and doing things with them,spending time with them, showing
them affection right, we allneed to belong, as Dave said,
(26:54):
and to just do those littlethings.
My metaphor for marriage is aplant, and you know it just
needs daily sun, it needs somewater regularly, and I think
marriages just need that.
Right, it's not enough to go ona romantic cruise once a year,
although that would be great,right, it's the little things,
(27:15):
it's the reconnection, it'sputting your spouse, you know,
in the top three or four or fiveof your, you know, of your
priorities, five of yourpriorities.
It's just, I think, soimportant to show hey, I'm here
for you, I love you, I want toconnect with you, I want to
invest in our relationship and Ithink when both spouses do that
(27:36):
, I just think you have such anincredible relationship.
Well said, my friend, and thismay be similar, but it may be
different as far as we call it atakeaway of the day.
(27:57):
Is there a take home messagefrom the research or otherwise
that you hope our listeners willremember from our discussion
today?
To our relationships, there arethings that we can do Even if
we've had no psychologicaltraining or anything like that.
There are some small everydaythings that we can do that will
build our relationships, and soI think that's nice that we can
(28:18):
do this right.
We can make good relationshipshappen, focusing on our spouse,
things like that.
Speaker 1 (28:24):
Yeah, wonderful.
Thanks, liz.
What about you?
What's your takeaway of the day?
Speaker 2 (28:28):
I just so appreciate researchers like Dr Du and this
group who are continuallystaying up on research.
I just think that's reallylovely, and I think this might
be the very first time that Ihave heard regarding regular
date night or dating, that it istwo or more per month.
(28:50):
It's really quite something andit certainly falls in line with
the other principles Well,commitment, mainly commitment,
as well as protectiveness.
That makes a lot of sense, andmaybe that religious attendance
also.
Maybe there's a little bit ofdating in there too, who knows?
But two or more, that reallystruck me today.
Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 3 (29:12):
And, frankly, if you can't do two or more, strive for
one or you know, strive for oneor more a month.
You know because and it again,I like well, when I teach our
students about retirement, Iteach financial, financial
essentials here at BYU, and theydo the calculations and they
see this number that's always inthe millions and some of them
(29:33):
are just like oh, I can two ormore times a month.
Well, there's no way I canhandle that Great.
Can you do one a month or oneevery six weeks?
Some is better than none, right, I guess?
Speaker 2 (29:52):
Yeah, and I think maybe it's possible to
underestimate that.
Oh, it's like well, I guess wekind of had a date yesterday or
Saturday.
It was unplanned, but we endedup going to the drive-thru and
that was kind of cool.
We're going to call that asweet day.
Yeah, come on.
Yeah, absolutely.
We just need to look moreclearly too.
What about you, dave?
What's the rich nugget that youhope we can all remember
(30:15):
together from our time with DrJeff Dew?
Speaker 1 (30:18):
Yeah, you know, jeff, I hadn't thought about
protectiveness.
That one still is kind ofringing in my ears as far and
what that might mean.
And I thought about what thatmight mean is the emotional
protectiveness, or with yourkids and their respect, or
in-laws, or just with friends,just this whole idea of this
protection.
I'm going to protect ourrelationship to me and like I'm
(30:48):
gonna make my spouse, my wife, apriority in my life and not let
other things um hurt or harm orcome you know, um I guess
impede kind of on us and and inparticular her, that I'll be
there for her and stand up forher and uh, we're on the same,
we're on the same team, we're inthis, this together.
So I thought so I thought thatwas that was interesting.
Speaker 3 (31:05):
Yeah, and, and you know I mean it, it, it, even.
Every couple is going to havefights, every couple is going to
have disagreements, Right, andand and the thing is just to
come back together and keepnurturing the relationship, even
though you've had a fight, youknow, even if it didn't get
resolved.
Right.
I know from the research thatmoney fights, for example, take
(31:26):
a while to resolve months if notyears.
And so, hey, yeah, you fight,you disagree, you're not happy
with them, you don't like them,even necessarily at that
particular point.
But just just get back togetherand keep nurturing and doing
the small things and and justreally trying to advance the
welfare of your spouse, reallyhelp them out, throw them that
(31:47):
you're there.
Speaker 1 (31:48):
Yeah, yeah, thanks, jeff.
I might close with a little.
That's just inspired a littleexample story, so indulge me for
a second as I share this.
My mom, my parents, they livein Payson, so not too far, yeah,
I don't mean Southern UtahCounty and my mom just had knee
surgery a little over a monthago.
So my dad's been kneereplacement, so she replaced her
(32:11):
knee.
My dad's been there for her youknow he's in his low 80s and
helping her get around and getthings and get off the couch.
And just shortly after thefirst few days she was laying
down on a couch, sleeping on acouch.
She used to be propped up andmy sister spent a couple of
nights there.
So she shared this with me andmy dad would.
Literally he was on the groundnext to her and half of him was
(32:33):
underneath the kitchen table andhe's on this little air
mattress just in case she neededto get up and help her to the
bathroom and things.
He could be there for her.
And one night night themedications were making her sick
the painkillers and so she'ssitting in the bathroom and then
the tub is right next to thetoilet.
She throws up sorry for beingso graphic she throws up into
the toilet and there's my dad atthree in the morning helping my
(32:54):
mom back to the couch and thenhe goes into the bathtub and
he's scrubbing it and washingthings down at 80 years old.
And I just think, man, that'swho I want to be right, and just
caring, the kindness, theconcern.
He knows she's in pain but he'sgoing to lay right next to her,
uncomfortable as that is,laying on the kitchen floor, you
(33:17):
know, on this living room floor, and then just getting up and
helping her and then cleaning upafter her.
I think, yeah, that's what it's, that's who I want to try to be
is like my parents and theirmarriage.
But it's this outward mindset,anyway, that our discussion has
been about.
Speaker 3 (33:34):
To me, that's a perfect example of commitment,
right.
Speaker 1 (33:38):
Yes, yeah, he's by her.
He's by her side.
Yeah, to the very end.
No matter what.
Yeah that, she's by her, he'sby her side.
Yeah, to the very end.
Speaker 2 (33:45):
No matter what, yeah, that she's going through.
I've got your back, I've gotyour front.
I've got the tub, I've got allof it, yeah, I've got you.
Speaker 1 (33:50):
Yeah, I've got you.
Well, thanks so much, Jeff, forcoming on and sharing so much
wisdom with us today.
Speaker 3 (33:58):
I'm happy to anytime.
Speaker 1 (34:00):
All right, friends, that does it for us.
We will see you again next timeon another episode of the
Stronger Marriage Connectionpodcast.
Speaker 2 (34:06):
And remember it's the small things that create a
stronger marriage connection.
Take good care now.
Speaker 1 (34:15):
Thanks for joining us today.
Hey, do us a favor and take asecond to subscribe to our
podcast and the Utah MarriageCommission YouTube channel at
Utah Marriage Commission, whereyou can watch this and every
episode of the show.
Be sure to smash the likebutton, leave a comment and
share this episode with a friend.
You can also follow andinteract with us on Instagram at
(34:36):
Stronger Marriage Life, andFacebook at Stronger Marriage,
so be sure to share with uswhich topics you loved or which
guests we should have on theshow.
Next, if you want even moreresources to improve your
marriage or relationshipconnection, visit
StrongerMarriageorg, whereyou'll find free workshops,
e-courses, in-depth webinars,relationship surveys and more.
(34:57):
Each episode of StrongerMarriage Connection is hosted
and sponsored by the UtahMarriage Commission at Utah
State University.
And finally, a big thanks toour producer, rex Polanis, and
the team at Utah StateUniversity and you, our audience
.
You make this show possible.
The opinions, findings,conclusions and recommendations
expressed in this podcast do notnecessarily reflect the views
(35:21):
of the Utah Marriage Commission.
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