October 13, 2025 • 45 mins
A tender, practical look at life after divorce: how to co‑parent without drama, date with intention as a single parent, and rebuild a calm family system where kids feel safe and seen. Amber shares the habits, boundaries, and mindset shifts that turned conflict into cooperation.
• early marriage, cross‑state moves, new parent stress
• choosing divorce to model a healthy life for children
• co‑parenting routines that remove contention
• group texting with ex and step‑parent for transparency
• “kids‑only” communication and gray rocking
• dating with intention and keeping a values list
• pacing introductions and honoring kids’ timelines
• therapy, accountability friends, and honest feedback
• books that support self‑trust and discernment
• hard conversations as the key to real connection
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Dr. Dave Schramm:
Dr. Liz Hale:
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_03 (00:04):
On today's episode of Stronger Marriage Connection,
Dr.
Liz sits down with AmberAnderson, who opens up about her
journey through a painfuldivorce and the lessons she's
learned along the way.
Amber shares how she found hopewhile navigating the challenges
of co-parenting and re enteringthe world of dating as a single
mom.
She offers heartfelt insightsand practical advice on moving
(00:26):
forward with intention, facingfears, and balancing the demands
of raising kids while dating.
You'll hear how Amber approachesdating differently than when she
was single, and what she'slearning about resilience,
connection, and growth in thisnew chapter of life.
Amber Anderson is a single momof two, a full-time certified
occupational therapy assistant,and the founder of Movement and
(00:49):
In-Home Safety Advocates.
She recently launched her ownbusiness as an exercise coach
for the geriatric population,all while staying deeply
involved in her daughters'lives, whether it's coaching
soccer or cheering from thesidelines.
Amber loves learning, growing,and embracing new experiences
from exploring restaurants andoutdoor adventures to nurturing
(01:12):
close connections with familyand friends.
Her passion lies in balancingher role as a devoted mom with
her drive to live fully andmodel resilience for her girls.
We hope you enjoy the show.
SPEAKER_01 (01:29):
Welcome to Stronger Marriage Connection.
I'm Dr.
Liz Hale, along with the belovedprofessor, Dr.
Dave Schram.
And together we have dedicatedour life's work to bringing you
the best we have in validmarital research, along with a
few tips and tools to help youcreate the marriage of your
dreams.
We're so happy to have you heretoday.
Dave is going to join us nexttime, but for today, let's talk
(01:53):
about life after divorce.
That can be a time ofrediscovery, new beginnings,
tough times, even unexpectedjoy.
It's a chance to grow andredefine what you want and open
the door to other meaningfulconnections.
Here to share her inspiringjourney of hope, resilience, and
(02:13):
dating after divorce is AmberAnderson.
Welcome to the show, Amber.
Hi, thank you so much for havingme.
This is generous to really giveus an inside scoop into your
family of two daughters andyou've been divorced four years,
I understand.
Yeah.
And tell us a little bit moreabout your background, my
friend, like where you're fromor where you've lived, your
marriage and divorce story, andhow your children factored and
(02:37):
how your children factored intoyour decisions along the way.
SPEAKER_00 (02:41):
Sure, yeah.
So I was born and raised here inCache Valley.
I got married when I was 20years old, and we immediately
moved to Washington State, whichwas fantastic in a lot of ways.
We were able to kind of pick upand move and start our own life
somewhere else and somewherenew.
And soon after that, we movedagain to the East Bay area in
(03:02):
California, where we absolutelyloved it out there in
Pleasanton, California, madesome great friends and great
memories.
But I had only had anassociate's degree.
And so I knew I needed tocontinue my education.
I looked at options inCalifornia.
It was just so expensive to goto school out there, and we
weren't able to afford me notworking and going to school.
So we came back to Utah where mycredits would transfer, and
(03:23):
that's where I found theOccupational Therapy Assistant
Program at Salt Lake CommunityCollege, which was a fantastic
program.
I loved it.
Um, graduated from that in 2015and moved right back out to
California because we knew weloved California.
Found out I was pregnant rightafter that.
We had our first daughter outthere, and life was hard.
(03:44):
We were both working full-time,and you know, bless my oldest
heart.
She was a really hard baby.
So taking her to daycare, Iwould have to leave work to go
and nurse her.
She wouldn't ever take a bottle.
It was very hard.
We struggled with that.
And around the same time, excuseme, around the same time, my
ex-husband wanted to um changecareers.
(04:05):
And so we made the move back toUtah where we had family close
by.
Um, and so there was a lot ofmoving around within the first
few years of our marriage.
But truly, you know, we lookback and we both loved that
experience.
We got to meet a lot of newpeople and experienced new
things along the way.
Um, had our second daughter, youknow, two and a half years
later, and you know, stillliving in Cash Valley.
(04:27):
So we've been back here in CashValley for nine years.
Um, like I said, I got my degreeas an occupational therapy
assistant from Slick in 2015,and I've been working in that
field with the geriatricpopulation for 10 years, and I
absolutely love it.
Um, I got divorced four yearsago, and you know, making that
(04:48):
decision was very, very hard.
Me and my ex were verysuccessful in a lot of ways in
our marriage, and then obviouslythere were some parts that just
weren't as successful.
Uh, I was actually reading abook last night, and a line in
it was it was actually it's justa for fun book, but a line just
said, you know, this couple werethey were having a hard time,
(05:10):
and they said, What happened?
And it's like, you know, 10years ago we were different
people and we're not the samepeople we were 10 years ago.
And do we like who we are now?
And I think that's kind of just,you know, without getting into
the details of everything, youknow, we had both kind of
changed and we had both grown,and you know, some for the
better, and some was hard.
We didn't match up on somethings, and you know, along with
(05:34):
other things, we decided that,you know, divorce was the route
we were going.
However, that wasn't an easydecision to make.
Um, that we had two kids, andyou know, all you hear about is
how divorce just ruins children,and it was very hard to think
about do I want to go throughthat and put my kids through
that.
(05:55):
But ultimately, I knew for me,the best way for me to be the
best mom to my girls was to geta divorce.
And that might sound crazy tosome people, and you know, I
never got married thinking Iwould ever get divorced.
I don't think anybody does oranybody wants to.
But I knew that I wanted to showmy girls, you know, a happy,
(06:17):
good, healthy relationship andto not murder myself for just
them staying in the marriage.
You know, I wanted to see, Iwanted them to see their mom
thriving and being happy andthen enjoying her life as well
as being a wonderful mother tothem, to give them an example to
look forward to and look up to.
So when it comes time for themdating and marrying, they have a
(06:40):
wonderful example to lookforward to.
SPEAKER_01 (06:44):
So a lot of your inspiration really was your two
daughters.
You right?
You you want the the world forthem.
Because you're you're right,Amber.
There is there's plenty ofresearch that shows that
marriage is hard.
It's hard on adults, it's hardon families, it's hard on the
system, the family system.
It it is not easy.
I love your determination,however, that we're going to
(07:06):
make sure that this is adifferent storyline.
We're gonna do everything in ourpower.
And it sounds like you and yourex-husband have really been very
determined in that.
He recently got married, Iunderstand, this year.
SPEAKER_00 (07:18):
Yeah, he got married earlier this year, and she is
wonderful.
I've I've told her personally, Isaid, you know, I couldn't have
asked for a better stepmom formy kids.
You know, I I really love herand appreciate her, and and I
hope that I uh, you know, uh lether know that often and really
just everything she does.
(07:38):
And we've actually it's beenreally beautiful, honestly,
because like you mentioned, Iwas determined if I am going to
get divorced, I will make surethat my kids do not suffer um,
you know, in any more ways thanthey they will just from the
matter of having two hums.
So that was a lot to take on.
Uh, you know, a lot of timesholding my tongue or him, I'm
(08:01):
sure he held his tongue at timestoo.
And truthfully, it wasn't justme that made, you know, divorce
and co-parenting and thisrelationship we have now wasn't
just me.
It's not one-sided.
It was him and it was me.
And we both decided that ourgirls were the number one.
You know, we will do whatever weneed to to make sure our girls
are happy and safe and loved andcared for.
(08:23):
And so, yes, we would, you know,on the sidelines be having
these, you know, conversationsor disagreements, but we never
let the kids know.
The kids were never involved.
You know, we always exchangedthe kids at each other's houses.
It wasn't like this, you know,third party or you know, parking
lot, or I'm not going in to seeyour father.
(08:45):
Like it was very much just, yes,I will go in.
There was a lot of my girls evenasking, do you still love dad?
You know, even though you're notmarried, do you still love him?
And they're asked, they needthat, you know, and of course
it's I will always love yourdad.
He's your dad, you know, like Iwill always love him as your
father.
And that comforted them so muchto know that and to feel that.
(09:06):
And even though it may have beenhard and and maybe awkward or
uncomfortable just to be like,you know, these are the things
we're talking about, it wasneeded.
So, yes, he got remarried and ithas been so great.
You know, we have a group textwith me and my ex-husband and
his wife where we allcommunicate about the kids, you
know, hey, this is what's goingon.
(09:27):
Hey, this happened.
How do we, you know, talk to thegirls about this?
How are we gonna manage this?
Hey, we've got one thing.
Can you help with one thing?
It really truly is has been sucha blessing to have seeing the
fruit of our labors, you know,pay out.
SPEAKER_01 (09:44):
It's Amber, that is something.
And you know how unusual thisis.
Yes?
SPEAKER_00 (09:48):
Yeah, I yes, I do because everyone I tell they
have that same reaction.
They're like, this is not thenorm.
You know, we'll even all even umbeow and you know, somebody else
will have a divorce and they'llbe talking like, how do you how
do you do that?
How do you get along?
Like, how can you say nicethings about your ex?
(10:09):
You know, because sometimespeople just want to, you know,
say the negative and you know,have the will, but you know,
honestly, it comes down to justthe kids, and I think we've both
just like I said put them first.
And I don't ever want my kids tothink that I don't like their
dad, and I'm sure he feels thesame way.
SPEAKER_01 (10:26):
And so I can appreciate what that means to
them.
Because isn't it really it'scontention that hurts kids the
most, right?
Isn't that what kills children'shearts and adults' hearts too?
So, you know, good on you andyour ex-husband and his new wife
that there is this agreement,this determination to not have
any contention.
(10:46):
Have you have you looked back,Amber, divorced four years ago?
Did you what was it likeinitially?
Is it hard?
Did you regret your decisionever look back, wondering maybe
I need to step back here?
SPEAKER_00 (10:58):
Yeah, I mean, those are fantastic questions and yes
to everything.
Um, you know, for me, I was theone who ultimately was like,
yes, I want a divorce.
And with that came a lot ofsecond guessing.
And and what did I, whatdecision did I make, and what
does that mean?
And what does that look likegoing forward?
I there were there were manytimes there were, especially, I
(11:20):
would say within the first yearor two that I would question my
decision and ultimately I wouldhave to really lean on, you
know, therapy, like going totherapy, reading any books,
talking to my friends and familyto help figure out what I was
feeling and why.
And a lot of times, you know,you would hear you romanticize
(11:42):
experiences or relationships inthe past, and I did that a lot.
Um, and it's but also, you know,that is very hard.
I I used to tell my friendsbecause you make a wonderful
group of divorced community uphere, and it's been that was
very awesome to have in thefirst year of being divorced.
(12:03):
You meet so many people andyou're talking, sharing
experiences, and it was justlike they were like, How do you
not hate your ex?
You know, we all hate our exes.
And I said, Well, I don't hatemy ex-husband, he's great in a
lot of ways, and um, but also itmakes it harder, you know, that
(12:24):
decision and handling yourdecision to get divorced.
It is a lot harder to workthrough post-divorce if you
don't hate somebody.
You know, if you have that thatdisgust or that hate and that,
you know, you don't even want tosee him or talk to him, it's a
lot easier.
Maybe, I don't know, maybe Iwould think just forget it, put
(12:47):
it away, never deal with it.
But for me, it would alwayscreep up, right?
You see the good things, youremember the good things, you
see them being a good dad toyour girls and really stepping
to the occasion.
And those things are wonderful,but hard to see.
And so a lot for me in the firstyear was distraction.
(13:07):
I can look back and see that itwas distraction.
I was very busy, you know.
I during that period I had mykids 70% of the time.
Now we're a 50 split.
Um, and that was just becausehe's a firefighter and his
schedule is, you know, you know,two on, four off.
And so I had kind of said, hey,look, I'll let's just do one
(13:28):
week on, one week off, and I'lltake the girls, you know, when
you're at the station.
It wasn't because he didn't wantthem, you know, as much time.
And so after a while, we'relike, this isn't really working
for either of us.
Let's let's truly make this a50-50.
But so that first year, I wasvery busy single moming, and
that was hard and exhausting.
And I just remember bedtime wasjust incredibly hard.
(13:53):
They were five and three.
And so, you know, maybe I shouldhave had a more strict bedtime
routine.
I don't know.
I was just bedtime, was just ifI could get through it, that was
the best thing.
But on my time when I didn'thave my girls, I mean, I would
be gone.
I would I was working full time.
So I'd be leave, go to work, andthen after work, I was either
going to the gym and then goingrock climbing and then going out
(14:14):
with friends, you know, each ofthose days I didn't have my my
girls.
I wanted to meet more people.
I wanted to do the things thatbrought me joy and made me who I
am, which I'm grateful for thatfirst year of doing all those
things.
And it really built who I am orrebuilt who I was.
I feel like I kind of lostmyself in my marriage.
(14:35):
And so it was a very much a yearof distraction, but very much a
year of growth and learning whoI am and what I love and enjoy.
SPEAKER_01 (14:44):
So today, today, do you look back?
Any regrets today?
SPEAKER_00 (14:48):
No, I don't have any regrets because there were
things I did that I'm like, oh,I don't know if I'm like proud
of that, you know, I don't knowif I love that I did that, but I
don't regret it because itshaped me and I took it and I
would mold it into somethinglike, how can I learn from that?
You know, how can I learn fromthat experience?
How can I learn from that, youknow, mistake that I made?
(15:12):
And, you know, I think if Ireally regretted things, that
would be hard.
I think if there ever wassomething that I felt like I
regretted, I would try to figureout a way to mend it, you know,
to to make it right, or I don'tknow, heal from that and move
forward and use that experienceto help somebody else too.
SPEAKER_02 (15:31):
We'll be right back after this brief minutes.
And we're back.
Let's dive right in.
SPEAKER_01 (15:51):
We hate our ex.
And uh any advice for thosereally wanting to do something
to navigate a similar situationlike you and your ex-husband
have?
Um, I should show you, I coulduse his first name.
What's his first name?
Justin.
Justin.
So Amber and Justin have thisbeautiful co-parenting
connection.
And what what what does it take?
What's it take?
SPEAKER_00 (16:13):
That's a huge question.
I think it takes a lot of selfsacrifice, um, putting you know
your ego aside a lot.
Um, patience, having patiencewith, you know, the other party
and with yourself.
Um I think a big thing is havingboundaries, making sure you set
(16:35):
boundaries with somebody becauseit's not easy.
And I'm sure it's either you orthe other person is doing
something that infringes upontheir boundaries and you're
trying to get them, right?
You want them to react a certainway, you want them to respond a
certain way.
And for the other party to, Ithink it's like gray rocking, is
that right?
Where you kind of step back andyou give them no response.
(16:57):
There's nothing there, you know,whether it's not answering the
text or the calls or reacting ina certain way when you know
they're trying to get at you, isjust to press pause, take a few
deep breaths.
You don't have to answer thephone call, you don't have to
answer that text, you don't evenhave to answer that text message
tomorrow.
You just cannot answer it.
I always say, you know, unlessit pertains to the kids, like,
(17:20):
don't answer.
Like they may have saidsomething really mean to you.
Like, and I've told my friends,don't reply to that text
message.
Like they're just trying,they're angry, they're upset,
they're just trying to get atyou.
SPEAKER_01 (17:32):
Well, that's a good question, then Amber.
Do you try to make thecorrespondence sim just about
the kids?
About kids only.
SPEAKER_00 (17:39):
Yes, I would say that has been, you know, our
relationship, co-parentingrelationship has been a lot of
we just communicate about thekids.
You know, we don't have theselong drawn-out conversations of
trying to like talk about thingsor or fix things or um,
especially in the beginning.
You know, that was that washard.
That's where we really had toset boundaries on that.
(18:00):
But it was just about the kids,and it was always meaningful
because it was about thechildren.
Now it's very nice actually,because we attend our child's,
our children's extracurriculars,and we all sit by each other.
Usually it's like my parents,him and his wife, me, and you
know, everyone else who's there,you know, my boyfriend who is
(18:22):
there, and we all sit by eachother.
You know, we're not separated,we're all like plumped together,
and everyone is talking.
And so now, yes, like when we'rearound each other, we will talk
about other things.
Oh, hey, you started thisbusiness.
Oh, hey, how's your businessgoing?
Oh, did you see, you know, X, Y,and Z, or we talk about mutual
friends.
It's very nice to actually nowwe've built a friendship, but in
(18:46):
the beginning, it was just thekids.
Um, and I think that wasbeneficial.
So that's what I would kind ofsay is having those boundaries,
knowing your self-worth andhaving respect for yourself,
knowing that, you know, if yousay something or they say
something that comes out of hurtor pain, um, give that other
person some space.
(19:07):
Because I know, you know,there's been times where I've
done or said things that I wishI could take back, and I, you
know, don't didn't like how thatwent.
And it's almost better if theother person doesn't respond,
you know, to kind of give thatspace to me to be like, you
know, she's hurting, she'sfeeling this.
I'm gonna let her feel that.
And we can just let that kind ofgo to the side.
(19:28):
And we don't need to address it,we don't need to bring it up.
We can just accept it.
We don't have to take it in.
We can just to the side and letit pass.
SPEAKER_01 (19:36):
Wow.
That's a good behavior tactic,really, for any relationship,
even in marriage.
Yeah.
Those are pretty good things.
I I, you know, I believe youwhen you say that you've you've
learned so much.
You know, I think we all tend tohave regrets.
I think it's hard to do lifewithout regrets, but nothing is
ever wasted.
Everything teaches us.
Yeah, it defines us, refines us,helps us become the people I
(20:00):
think that we could be moreproud of.
SPEAKER_00 (20:03):
Absolutely.
And I think that's a key toanyone growing and progressing
in life or whatever thesituation is, is that you take
those experiences and you learnsomething from it.
You know, I know for me, youknow, pertaining to dating, I
would keep a log of the people Ihad dated, and I would write
down things that I loved aboutthem and things that I didn't.
(20:24):
And then I knew, you know, whenI was dating somebody else, I
would go back and I wouldcross-check.
And that that might sound silly,but it kept me moving forward in
a place that I wanted to andkind of like my eyes on the
prize, right?
I didn't forget these werethings I didn't like.
These were things I loved.
(20:45):
I definitely want someone thathas these qualities.
I definitely don't want thesequalities.
And like I said, as silly asthat might sound, I remember
narrowing it down and narrowingit down.
And and I remember turning to mycoworker one one day and I said,
Zach, I am so close.
I am so close to finding myperson because this is my list.
(21:07):
And I I almost, I'm almostthere, you know, like everyone
kept gaining more of the thingsI wanted and less of things I
didn't.
And um, and I was right, youknow, like now I'm in a
wonderful relationship with myboyfriend.
It's been a year and a half, andhe possessed, you know,
everything I wanted and somethings that I didn't know that I
(21:30):
wanted.
And he comes with differentthings that aren't hard.
They're not hard, they're justdifferent that make me grow and
stretch in ways that I needed togrow and stretch.
And it's just been such ajourney, you know, going there.
SPEAKER_01 (21:46):
Dating today, dating now versus dating when you were
with without children, right?
When you were younger andmarrying for the first time, how
how clearly it's you know,definitely different, right?
For starters, you're thinking ofthese two girls and what's best
for them, as well as what's bestfor your heart.
It's a whole nother dynamic.
SPEAKER_00 (22:07):
Yes.
Um, you know, putting my kidsfirst and everything.
Of course, in their beginning,we had a lot of me and my ex
Justin, we had boundaries of,you know, at what point do you
introduce the girls to, youknow, a significant other?
And I think that really helped.
And it made us really thinkintentionally about what our own
intentions were with dating.
So, you know, that was alwaysthere, keeping that in mind.
(22:30):
For me, with dating, you know,especially now, I will say my
boyfriend, he it's been abeautiful journey, you know,
watching him connect to my girlson his own terms and his own
timeline.
But better, my girl is lovinghim on their own timeline.
I never pressured either one ofthem.
(22:52):
I never forced them insituations or or forced them to,
you know, really enjoy eachother's company or want to spend
time together.
It was very much uh, we're justgonna present these two parties,
and I'm in the middle, and Ijust let them decide where
they're at.
And there's been some really funmoments of my girls, you know,
(23:13):
you know, my boyfriend Brianwouldn't be there, and they'd be
like, We we like Brian.
And I, instead of being like,Oh, I know, isn't he the best?
You know, I would say, you do?
How come?
Like, why?
And they would not Brian.
Yeah, and they would answer withwhy they liked him.
Um, also that might sound kindof silly, but I've done that a
(23:35):
lot.
I've really questioned theminstead of just steamroll it and
and take off with it, whateverthey're saying.
I really say, well, how come?
Why do you think that?
You know, why do you thinkBrian's a good boyfriend to me?
Why are you why do you say that?
You know, what are you seeing?
And I I it makes me happy as youknow, a mother to know, you
(23:56):
know, at least I hope that I amsetting a good example to them
and letting them have a choicein the matter.
I think that's hard when kids,you know, don't have a choice in
the matter, it because it istheir life 100%.
You know, this would be someonewho's in their life all the
time, and let them grow and wantthat, you know, it's it's a
(24:21):
beautiful thing, but it's been apatient thing.
SPEAKER_01 (24:25):
Kids really they don't have a ton of choices, do
they?
I mean, they are kind of alongfor the ride with their parents,
hopefully making the bestdecisions in their lives, right?
SPEAKER_00 (24:33):
Yes, and they're so wonderful, and I just love love
them so much.
And I think the once again topoint back on what you're
saying, how is it different?
Is that my goals dating, youknow, before marriage and now
was that, you know, before I wasI was young, I was 20 when I got
married, and so dating, youknow, I was 19 years old, and I
(24:53):
thought I can't wait to getmarried and build a life with
this person.
And that included for me, Iwanted to have kids, you know, I
wanted to gain a career andestablish a career and buy a
home.
And these were all like checkboxes that I had.
And so now I sit here dating andI'm like, okay, well, I have
(25:17):
kids, I have my daughters, youknow, I have a career, you know,
I have a home.
And what else is there?
You know, so dating now isreally you're choosing someone.
And yes, marriage should also bea choice of who you want to
choose to spend the rest of yourlife with.
But for me, it's really almostweighed heavily on me because it
seems like a much more seriousquestion of choosing someone
(25:40):
that I truly want to just sharemy life with because I don't
have these, like this naivetyof, you know, who knows what
it's gonna be like.
You know, it's marriage, itdoesn't have that, you know,
secrecy to it anymore.
You know, you've been there,you've done that, you've I mean
I've checked all those boxesthat I've had.
(26:01):
So now I'm really dating forsomeone I want to spend my life
with and love and enjoy and wantto share all of those things,
knowing that there will be hardtimes and there will be hard
things.
And how do you know like you'regonna stick with that, push
through that, use everythingI've learned, all the tools, all
the resources to make it lastand be better, you know?
SPEAKER_01 (26:25):
Do you uh plan on more children?
Would you like more children?
Is Justin planning on morechildren?
SPEAKER_00 (26:30):
I I don't know about Justin.
Um, I I think my girls, my girlswould love more siblings.
I I know that they tell theirstepmom um all the time that
they want, you know, her to havea baby.
They tell me all the time theywant me to have another baby, or
five.
I think the other day mydaughter said she wanted eight
more siblings.
(26:51):
Um which is still great.
I love that they feel like theywant to have more siblings.
I think that means we're doingsomething right.
You know, four years ago when Igot divorced, I did.
I did want to have more kids.
And now dating, um, I'm with myboyfriend.
He's never been married, he hasno kids, and uh, I'm just am
getting older.
I think, you know, every year,I'm getting older, and my kids
(27:14):
are getting older.
My youngest is seven.
I I don't know what that lookslike.
I don't want it's not at the topof my list anymore.
I don't want to say I don't wantto have kids, it's not at the
top of my list.
If me and my boyfriend endgetting married and he decides
that he would like to have achild, then I would happily have
one.
However, blending families, I'veheard, is just incredibly
(27:36):
difficult and hard andchallenging, but also so
rewarding.
Um, you know, where he doesn'thave kids and I have two.
He said, you know, I've wantedkids, but you have two, and that
is great for me.
And so you're on the same pagehere where it really makes sense
for us, but you know, it's notin the immediate cards.
(27:58):
So and they just take itsituation by situation, and it's
molded, of course, because Ihave dated people who have had
kids, and I was happy to bringthem in, you know, and I think
that's that is a good thing tohave was that I was flexible in
knowing, you know, what thatfuture might look like on the
kid realm, you know, marryingsomeone who has kids, wanting
(28:21):
more kids, or not.
So yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (28:23):
Do you have some people who question your
decision to to date, to bedivorced, raising young
children, and dating?
My my reason I ask is my verydear friend divorced, has four
boys, all getting older now, twoare in college.
Um, but her neighbor really,really gave her a bad time when
she announced that she'd found aspecial guy.
Actually, someone from from longago that she dated and they
(28:46):
reconnected 20 years later.
And um, it really it reallycaused some alarm from my dear
friend.
And she thought, oh my gosh,people, you know, I think it's
the doctor, the Dr.
Laura principle, right?
Of staying single and raisingyour children until you uh until
they're out of the house.
Have you have you had support?
Have you had a lack of support,Amber?
Both?
SPEAKER_00 (29:07):
I have had tremendous support.
I feel like I have the bestfamily and the best friends who
also keep me sane.
They keep me honest.
You know, they I tell them allthe time, I'm gonna tell you the
good and the hard with anyoneI'm dating because I I need
somebody else to know the truth,the whole truth, and not have
(29:30):
those rose-colored glasses onall the time.
And, you know, my like I said,my friends and family have been
supportive from the verybeginning.
Um, there are other people, youknow, definitely, who have been
like, I would never date, Idon't know how you're doing
this, I don't know why youwould, you know, that's gonna be
so hard for your kids, or Idon't know why you would date
somebody who has kids.
I don't know why you would datesomeone who doesn't have kids.
(29:52):
There are those people who saythat.
And they they're all over theboard.
And I think the biggest thingfor me was like I Said having
that great support system of thepeople in my life that have
helped keep me accountable andkeep me progressing forward and
help m help me make gooddecisions.
I remember being in therapy andI was really frustrated,
(30:14):
honestly, that the therapistwasn't telling me what I should
do.
I was like, Can't you just tellme what to do?
I just tell you're theprofessional here.
And they said, I will never tellyou what to do.
That is up to you.
Like I will help have theseconversations and help guide and
ask you questions, butultimately you make those
choices.
And I was like, like, seriously?
(30:37):
You know, like I I have to makemy own choices.
And truly knowing that, like Iwill talk to friends and family,
but at the end of the day, I getto choose, you know, I get to
choose what my life looks like.
And but having those people whowill hold you accountable is
key, I think.
And so I never questioned what Iwas doing, why I was wanting to
(31:02):
date and remarry.
I never questioned that becauseI had the great support system
who would keep me in check.
And I I hope everyone can havethat.
And I think a big thing of thatis being open to hearing
something you might not want tohear.
I've had friends or family say,I don't like them.
I don't think they're good foryou.
(31:23):
I don't like that they did thisand this and this.
And I have to take a step backand say, I understand.
I think you're right, you know,but I and there were times I'm
gonna give them one more chance.
You know, I'm gonna I'm gonnagive them one more chance.
And I usually did give them onemore chance because this whole
process of dating after divorcewas learning how patient can you
(31:44):
be, how forgiving can you be,how much grace can you give.
And those things for sure 100%,especially in the beginning, I
gave way too much grace, way tooforgiving, and you kind of have
to like tailor it in to find outwhere where is that line, you
know.
You can't let somebody just getaway with everything, but you
(32:07):
also need to be able to forgiveand understand the situation.
And I mean, there's so much toit, but have good people.
SPEAKER_01 (32:15):
Hope you write a book, Amber.
SPEAKER_00 (32:16):
Right.
I honestly I would love to.
I truly have thought about thatfor many years, and I would love
to do that, and I'll put it onmy list.
Yeah, good.
You see, put it on your longlist.
SPEAKER_01 (32:27):
Um speaking of books, was there anything that
helped you most on thisparticular journey?
SPEAKER_00 (32:33):
Yeah, I I read a couple of books.
I, of course, would read anysort of article, psychology
article I could find online,just anything.
And and you have to be carefulwith those, I know, and take
beats bits and pieces here andthere.
But some books I read were wasactually one called Untamed by
Glennon Doyle.
And I loved that one because itreally helped me step into me as
my own person and honoringmyself and my passions and
(32:57):
really encouraged me to live formy girls, you know, live for
them.
I want to show them an examplethat they admire and want to be
when they grow up and notsomeone who just puts their
needs to the side and doeseverything for my kids.
Yes, I do so much for my kids.
I love being involved in mykids' lives, and that is a
(33:18):
passion.
They are my passion.
But also, do I love to rockclimb or mountain bike or play
soccer or be with my friends andhave good friends that I love
spending time with?
And I think all those things areso important for my kids to see
in their mom.
Absolutely.
You know, absolutely 100%.
They need to see their momhaving fun, taking risks, being
(33:39):
brave, going on vacations.
So they have this, you know,ideal of a life that they want
to have while they can also bein a loving relationship and
have kids, you know.
And so I, you know, that was awonderful book.
Another one is how to not fallin love with a jerk.
I think that's the title.
That one is a very uh good justpick up and read.
(34:03):
Um, it kind of like I said,keeps me in check, you know,
reading and be like, oh, am Iseeing any of these things in
myself?
Not only in the person you'redating, but are keeping
yourself, are you introspectiveenough to look and be like, oh,
I do that and I don't like that.
How do I fix it?
You know, so that's a fantasticbook of like checks and balances
(34:24):
to not link.
Yeah, it's fantastic.
I just pick it up and flippedany page and read it, and you're
gonna gather something better.
SPEAKER_01 (34:35):
Get a nugget, yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (34:36):
Yep, and then the older one I actually haven't
read, but I've talked to a lotof friends about, and I it's on
my list to read was The BodyKeeps the Score.
And I think, you know, havingnot read that, but I've read,
you know, know what it's about,and I've talked to people and
read little excerpts from it, isthat it is so true and very sad.
There have been a lot of momentswhere it is really sad how your
(34:57):
body reacts so fiercely tosomething when you don't really
want it to, but it does.
And how do you combat that andaddress it and learn from it and
work through it and prevent itfrom happening again, you know,
is a lot of that work onyourself.
(35:18):
So I've done a lot of that.
There's been a lot of timeswhere I've had to really check
myself and see why I'm reactingthat way and explain thoroughly
to the person that I'm dating,like why I'm reacting the way I
am, and I don't like it, butthis is why.
I know I need to fix it, I needto work on it, but just have
(35:39):
patience with me and I will dobetter.
SPEAKER_02 (35:42):
We'll be right back after this brief message.
And we're back.
Let's dive right in.
SPEAKER_01 (35:58):
It's such beautiful ownership.
Do you find that you're meetingmen who are also doing the work,
you know, on themselves?
I would imagine that could be adeal breaker or a deal maker.
SPEAKER_00 (36:09):
Yeah.
Um it was hard.
It was really hard.
I feel like um I'm such athinker and I'm such a like I
want to figure out why.
And so I do a lot of work onmyself and a lot of
introspection and a lot ofwilling to talk to my friends
and hear the things I don't wantto hear.
(36:29):
I would say in my experience,most people are not like that.
Um, you know, a lot of peopleget very defensive, you know, a
lot of people just have theirjustifications, or a lot of
people might say, well, you getwhat you get.
Like, you know, I've this is whoI am, this is how it's gonna be.
I don't think it's wrong.
You should probably deal withit.
(36:49):
You know, I I've countencountered a lot of that.
Uh, that's not to say everyonewas like that.
I did also date and meet a lotof great guys who I learned so
much from and really took a lotof those key things I wanted in
my person and put them on thatlist because they were so
wonderful.
And there were some very patientand loving and generous and
(37:10):
mild-tempered things that andwillingness to hear something
that they might not want to hearand to do better.
And so, yeah, I would say therewas both.
And it's a it's tremendous whenyou can find somebody who does
react that way and shares thesame beliefs.
SPEAKER_01 (37:27):
I just think I have such a tender spot for singles
because I was one for manydecades.
I didn't marry till 50.
And um I think that we we dohave a responsibility to each
other in the dating world to begood to each other, to be
honest, and to lead each othermaybe a little bit better than
we found each other.
SPEAKER_00 (37:46):
Yeah, that's my friend's favorite line.
She's also single, and that'sher favorite thing.
You always leave someone betterthan you found them, and also
yourself.
SPEAKER_01 (37:56):
Mm-hmm.
I love it.
All right, my friend.
Well, you're all over socialmedia.
Amber, you offer differentcoaching options and you have
resources.
Tell us a bit about those andwhere people can find you and
learn about what you offer.
SPEAKER_00 (38:08):
Yeah, so I'm I just have a personal Instagram
account, you know, AmberAnderson, but I also started a
side business where I doactually home exercise for the
geriatric population, um, whichis move safe advocates.
I don't have anything for, youknow, live coaching or
post-divorce.
However, like I said, I wouldlove to be able to get into any
(38:28):
of that or write a book someday,and I guess just keep your ears
open for maybe the day that thatcomes through.
SPEAKER_01 (38:35):
I we're cheering you on.
I hope that for you, Justin,this beautiful bride, and others
that will be joining this clan,however, um, that you continue
to do so well together and havethis joint effort and put these
children first.
It's really quite lovely.
We don't know what's around thecorner, right?
None of us do.
SPEAKER_00 (38:56):
Exactly.
Exactly.
SPEAKER_01 (38:57):
But you you are determined enough to make sure
that things stay truly steadyand kind and graceful and
forgiving.
I I love that.
We love to um ask all of ourguests as we wrap up one
particular question and honorthe name of our podcast.
What do you think, Amber, is thekey to a stronger marriage
connection?
SPEAKER_00 (39:18):
I think, in hopes of everything I've learned so far,
is being able to have the hardtalks.
You know, I didn't really bringthat up, but having the hard
talks with somebody, somethingthat is on your mind that is
causing you some anxiety, youjust gotta have that talk.
You just gotta hit it head on.
You gotta sit down and say, hey,look, here's what I'm feeling.
I found the best way to addressthings and issues and
(39:41):
relationships is to say, hey,this is how I've been feeling.
This is why I think I'm feelingthis way.
This is why I do feel this way,this is what I'm gathering from
you.
Can you please tell me what'sgoing on?
You know, I think having thehard talks, just let them feel
safe opening up to you because Ithink a lot of us will get
(40:03):
defensive.
We don't want to be wrong or wedon't want to have hurt
somebody.
Um, but if you have an issue andyou're having anxiety over it,
you know, go to them and justand just do it.
You know, just have that talkimmediately.
There's no need to wait.
There's no need to have like theperfect scenario.
Um, but open yourself up and bevulnerable first, I think is
(40:26):
key.
I hope.
I hope that is key to be able togo to someone, be vulnerable,
say I'm I, you know, I want tounderstand, I want to be better,
I want you to understand whereI'm coming from.
Can we please talk about this?
So I hope being up front andjust leading with courage and
(40:46):
vulnerability, and the theanswer will always be the right
answer, is what I've kind of mymotto has always been.
I've I've dealt with a lot ofrejection and I've I've had a
lot of success.
And I think that in each ofthose moments, I am okay with
whatever the answer is going tobe because it's ultimately the
right answer, even though itmight not be something that I
(41:09):
think I want.
SPEAKER_01 (41:10):
Have you ever had some people you were dating who
just didn't couldn't even gothere?
SPEAKER_00 (41:15):
I mean, yeah, yeah, definitely to ask of someone.
SPEAKER_01 (41:21):
I'm just saying it's a lot to ask of someone who
maybe isn't practiced at it.
SPEAKER_00 (41:24):
Oh, yeah, I for sure.
Yeah, I've definitely datedpeople who just could not even
go there, just were kind of at aloss of words.
And and ultimately obviouslythose relationships just
crumbled, you know, almostimmediately.
Of course, of course.
SPEAKER_01 (41:38):
That's a good way to sift through.
SPEAKER_00 (41:40):
Yes, 100%.
And my boyfriend now, he is sogood.
He's so good at just listeningand validating and
understanding, but he's not,he's he doesn't just conform to
whatever I want, right?
He's not just like, okay, you'reright.
You know, he's very much oflike, okay, I see where you're
coming from.
I understand how you're feelingthat way.
I don't want you to feel thatway.
How can we make it better?
(42:01):
What can we both do?
I can do this different, youknow.
Maybe could you do thisdifferent?
And we figure it out.
And I think that is 100% key toa great relationship.
SPEAKER_01 (42:13):
It's such a good time to be dating, to be
married.
I mean, as far as we know, somuch more than we ever had
before about what makes arelationship thrive.
You know, strongermarriage.org,I'm sure you're familiar with
that.
Amber being in the area you are.
Um, so many wonderful resourcesthere.
That um, with your dedication, Ithink you are going to be
(42:34):
unstoppable.
SPEAKER_00 (42:36):
Thank you.
Thanks.
SPEAKER_01 (42:37):
Oh, it's a take-home message for sure that you just
want all of us to remember fromour discussion today.
SPEAKER_00 (42:42):
Something to stand out.
Yeah, just stay positive andknow your goals and know your
worth and love yourself and youknow, have your priorities, of
course, in line of where youwant them to be, and always stay
true to those and keep yourselfin check.
You know, no one's perfect, andyou know, be open to what you
need to work on yourself.
SPEAKER_01 (43:03):
Yeah, good.
Yeah, we're not looking forperfect, are we?
But a good fit, yes, you know,where it's a win-win.
And you know, I have a friendwho wrote the book, Real Love in
Dating, and he talks about, youknow, dating with our wish worst
foot forward, because when youdate with your best foot
forward, everybody's got thatstinky foot, and sometimes you
find out about that stinky foota little too late.
(43:24):
Yeah, definitely.
I would say that might be mygreatest takeaway is um leaving
people, relationships, heartsbetter than you found them
stronger.
You know?
Ah.
Well, Amber Anderson, thank youso much for being with us today,
for really speaking so openlyabout a really tender topic
that's kind of loaded.
It's not easy.
(43:45):
It takes a lot of courage, and Ireally admire um the courage
that you have.
SPEAKER_00 (43:50):
Thank you.
SPEAKER_01 (43:50):
Thank you so much.
Here I am, this is my decision,and going forward, this is what
I'm looking for.
And I want to teach others thatsame kind of courage.
So good for you.
SPEAKER_00 (44:01):
Thank you.
Appreciate you having me here.
SPEAKER_01 (44:02):
Well, that's all we have for now today, friends.
Thank you for tuning in, andwe'll see you next time.
But do remember it's the smallthings that create a stronger
marriage connection.
Thank you.
SPEAKER_03 (44:16):
Thanks for joining us today.
Hey, do us a favor and take asecond to subscribe to our
podcast and the Utah MarriageCommission YouTube channel at
Utah Marriage Commission, whereyou can watch this and every
episode of the show.
Be sure to smash the likebutton, leave a comment, and
share this episode with afriend.
You can also follow and interactwith us on Instagram at
(44:37):
StrongerMarriageWife andFacebook at Stronger Marriage.
So be sure to share with uswhich topics you love and which
guests we should have on theshow next.
If you want even more resourcesto improve your marriage or
relationship connection, visitstrongermarriage.org where
you'll find free workshops,e-courses, in-depth webinars,
relationship surveys, and more.
(44:59):
Each episode of StrongerMarriage Connection is hosted
and sponsored by the UtahMarriage Commission at Utah
State University.
And finally, a big thanks to ourproducer, Rex Polanis, and the
team at Utah State University.
And you, our audience, you makethis show possible.
The opinions, findings,conclusions, and recommendations
expressed in this podcast do notnecessarily reflect the views of
(45:22):
the Utah Marriage Commission.
On today's episode of Stronger Marriage Connection,
Dr.
Liz sits down with AmberAnderson, who opens up about her
journey through a painfuldivorce and the lessons she's
learned along the way.
Amber shares how she found hopewhile navigating the challenges
of co-parenting and re enteringthe world of dating as a single
mom.
She offers heartfelt insightsand practical advice on moving
(00:26):
forward with intention, facingfears, and balancing the demands
of raising kids while dating.
You'll hear how Amber approachesdating differently than when she
was single, and what she'slearning about resilience,
connection, and growth in thisnew chapter of life.
Amber Anderson is a single momof two, a full-time certified
occupational therapy assistant,and the founder of Movement and
(00:49):
In-Home Safety Advocates.
She recently launched her ownbusiness as an exercise coach
for the geriatric population,all while staying deeply
involved in her daughters'lives, whether it's coaching
soccer or cheering from thesidelines.
Amber loves learning, growing,and embracing new experiences
from exploring restaurants andoutdoor adventures to nurturing
(01:12):
close connections with familyand friends.
Her passion lies in balancingher role as a devoted mom with
her drive to live fully andmodel resilience for her girls.
We hope you enjoy the show.
SPEAKER_01 (01:29):
Welcome to Stronger Marriage Connection.
I'm Dr.
Liz Hale, along with the belovedprofessor, Dr.
Dave Schram.
And together we have dedicatedour life's work to bringing you
the best we have in validmarital research, along with a
few tips and tools to help youcreate the marriage of your
dreams.
We're so happy to have you heretoday.
Dave is going to join us nexttime, but for today, let's talk
(01:53):
about life after divorce.
That can be a time ofrediscovery, new beginnings,
tough times, even unexpectedjoy.
It's a chance to grow andredefine what you want and open
the door to other meaningfulconnections.
Here to share her inspiringjourney of hope, resilience, and
(02:13):
dating after divorce is AmberAnderson.
Welcome to the show, Amber.
Hi, thank you so much for havingme.
This is generous to really giveus an inside scoop into your
family of two daughters andyou've been divorced four years,
I understand.
Yeah.
And tell us a little bit moreabout your background, my
friend, like where you're fromor where you've lived, your
marriage and divorce story, andhow your children factored and
(02:37):
how your children factored intoyour decisions along the way.
SPEAKER_00 (02:41):
Sure, yeah.
So I was born and raised here inCache Valley.
I got married when I was 20years old, and we immediately
moved to Washington State, whichwas fantastic in a lot of ways.
We were able to kind of pick upand move and start our own life
somewhere else and somewherenew.
And soon after that, we movedagain to the East Bay area in
(03:02):
California, where we absolutelyloved it out there in
Pleasanton, California, madesome great friends and great
memories.
But I had only had anassociate's degree.
And so I knew I needed tocontinue my education.
I looked at options inCalifornia.
It was just so expensive to goto school out there, and we
weren't able to afford me notworking and going to school.
So we came back to Utah where mycredits would transfer, and
(03:23):
that's where I found theOccupational Therapy Assistant
Program at Salt Lake CommunityCollege, which was a fantastic
program.
I loved it.
Um, graduated from that in 2015and moved right back out to
California because we knew weloved California.
Found out I was pregnant rightafter that.
We had our first daughter outthere, and life was hard.
(03:44):
We were both working full-time,and you know, bless my oldest
heart.
She was a really hard baby.
So taking her to daycare, Iwould have to leave work to go
and nurse her.
She wouldn't ever take a bottle.
It was very hard.
We struggled with that.
And around the same time, excuseme, around the same time, my
ex-husband wanted to um changecareers.
(04:05):
And so we made the move back toUtah where we had family close
by.
Um, and so there was a lot ofmoving around within the first
few years of our marriage.
But truly, you know, we lookback and we both loved that
experience.
We got to meet a lot of newpeople and experienced new
things along the way.
Um, had our second daughter, youknow, two and a half years
later, and you know, stillliving in Cash Valley.
(04:27):
So we've been back here in CashValley for nine years.
Um, like I said, I got my degreeas an occupational therapy
assistant from Slick in 2015,and I've been working in that
field with the geriatricpopulation for 10 years, and I
absolutely love it.
Um, I got divorced four yearsago, and you know, making that
(04:48):
decision was very, very hard.
Me and my ex were verysuccessful in a lot of ways in
our marriage, and then obviouslythere were some parts that just
weren't as successful.
Uh, I was actually reading abook last night, and a line in
it was it was actually it's justa for fun book, but a line just
said, you know, this couple werethey were having a hard time,
(05:10):
and they said, What happened?
And it's like, you know, 10years ago we were different
people and we're not the samepeople we were 10 years ago.
And do we like who we are now?
And I think that's kind of just,you know, without getting into
the details of everything, youknow, we had both kind of
changed and we had both grown,and you know, some for the
better, and some was hard.
We didn't match up on somethings, and you know, along with
(05:34):
other things, we decided that,you know, divorce was the route
we were going.
However, that wasn't an easydecision to make.
Um, that we had two kids, andyou know, all you hear about is
how divorce just ruins children,and it was very hard to think
about do I want to go throughthat and put my kids through
that.
(05:55):
But ultimately, I knew for me,the best way for me to be the
best mom to my girls was to geta divorce.
And that might sound crazy tosome people, and you know, I
never got married thinking Iwould ever get divorced.
I don't think anybody does oranybody wants to.
But I knew that I wanted to showmy girls, you know, a happy,
(06:17):
good, healthy relationship andto not murder myself for just
them staying in the marriage.
You know, I wanted to see, Iwanted them to see their mom
thriving and being happy andthen enjoying her life as well
as being a wonderful mother tothem, to give them an example to
look forward to and look up to.
So when it comes time for themdating and marrying, they have a
(06:40):
wonderful example to lookforward to.
SPEAKER_01 (06:44):
So a lot of your inspiration really was your two
daughters.
You right?
You you want the the world forthem.
Because you're you're right,Amber.
There is there's plenty ofresearch that shows that
marriage is hard.
It's hard on adults, it's hardon families, it's hard on the
system, the family system.
It it is not easy.
I love your determination,however, that we're going to
(07:06):
make sure that this is adifferent storyline.
We're gonna do everything in ourpower.
And it sounds like you and yourex-husband have really been very
determined in that.
He recently got married, Iunderstand, this year.
SPEAKER_00 (07:18):
Yeah, he got married earlier this year, and she is
wonderful.
I've I've told her personally, Isaid, you know, I couldn't have
asked for a better stepmom formy kids.
You know, I I really love herand appreciate her, and and I
hope that I uh, you know, uh lether know that often and really
just everything she does.
(07:38):
And we've actually it's beenreally beautiful, honestly,
because like you mentioned, Iwas determined if I am going to
get divorced, I will make surethat my kids do not suffer um,
you know, in any more ways thanthey they will just from the
matter of having two hums.
So that was a lot to take on.
Uh, you know, a lot of timesholding my tongue or him, I'm
(08:01):
sure he held his tongue at timestoo.
And truthfully, it wasn't justme that made, you know, divorce
and co-parenting and thisrelationship we have now wasn't
just me.
It's not one-sided.
It was him and it was me.
And we both decided that ourgirls were the number one.
You know, we will do whatever weneed to to make sure our girls
are happy and safe and loved andcared for.
(08:23):
And so, yes, we would, you know,on the sidelines be having
these, you know, conversationsor disagreements, but we never
let the kids know.
The kids were never involved.
You know, we always exchangedthe kids at each other's houses.
It wasn't like this, you know,third party or you know, parking
lot, or I'm not going in to seeyour father.
(08:45):
Like it was very much just, yes,I will go in.
There was a lot of my girls evenasking, do you still love dad?
You know, even though you're notmarried, do you still love him?
And they're asked, they needthat, you know, and of course
it's I will always love yourdad.
He's your dad, you know, like Iwill always love him as your
father.
And that comforted them so muchto know that and to feel that.
(09:06):
And even though it may have beenhard and and maybe awkward or
uncomfortable just to be like,you know, these are the things
we're talking about, it wasneeded.
So, yes, he got remarried and ithas been so great.
You know, we have a group textwith me and my ex-husband and
his wife where we allcommunicate about the kids, you
know, hey, this is what's goingon.
(09:27):
Hey, this happened.
How do we, you know, talk to thegirls about this?
How are we gonna manage this?
Hey, we've got one thing.
Can you help with one thing?
It really truly is has been sucha blessing to have seeing the
fruit of our labors, you know,pay out.
SPEAKER_01 (09:44):
It's Amber, that is something.
And you know how unusual thisis.
Yes?
SPEAKER_00 (09:48):
Yeah, I yes, I do because everyone I tell they
have that same reaction.
They're like, this is not thenorm.
You know, we'll even all even umbeow and you know, somebody else
will have a divorce and they'llbe talking like, how do you how
do you do that?
How do you get along?
Like, how can you say nicethings about your ex?
(10:09):
You know, because sometimespeople just want to, you know,
say the negative and you know,have the will, but you know,
honestly, it comes down to justthe kids, and I think we've both
just like I said put them first.
And I don't ever want my kids tothink that I don't like their
dad, and I'm sure he feels thesame way.
SPEAKER_01 (10:26):
And so I can appreciate what that means to
them.
Because isn't it really it'scontention that hurts kids the
most, right?
Isn't that what kills children'shearts and adults' hearts too?
So, you know, good on you andyour ex-husband and his new wife
that there is this agreement,this determination to not have
any contention.
(10:46):
Have you have you looked back,Amber, divorced four years ago?
Did you what was it likeinitially?
Is it hard?
Did you regret your decisionever look back, wondering maybe
I need to step back here?
SPEAKER_00 (10:58):
Yeah, I mean, those are fantastic questions and yes
to everything.
Um, you know, for me, I was theone who ultimately was like,
yes, I want a divorce.
And with that came a lot ofsecond guessing.
And and what did I, whatdecision did I make, and what
does that mean?
And what does that look likegoing forward?
I there were there were manytimes there were, especially, I
(11:20):
would say within the first yearor two that I would question my
decision and ultimately I wouldhave to really lean on, you
know, therapy, like going totherapy, reading any books,
talking to my friends and familyto help figure out what I was
feeling and why.
And a lot of times, you know,you would hear you romanticize
(11:42):
experiences or relationships inthe past, and I did that a lot.
Um, and it's but also, you know,that is very hard.
I I used to tell my friendsbecause you make a wonderful
group of divorced community uphere, and it's been that was
very awesome to have in thefirst year of being divorced.
(12:03):
You meet so many people andyou're talking, sharing
experiences, and it was justlike they were like, How do you
not hate your ex?
You know, we all hate our exes.
And I said, Well, I don't hatemy ex-husband, he's great in a
lot of ways, and um, but also itmakes it harder, you know, that
(12:24):
decision and handling yourdecision to get divorced.
It is a lot harder to workthrough post-divorce if you
don't hate somebody.
You know, if you have that thatdisgust or that hate and that,
you know, you don't even want tosee him or talk to him, it's a
lot easier.
Maybe, I don't know, maybe Iwould think just forget it, put
(12:47):
it away, never deal with it.
But for me, it would alwayscreep up, right?
You see the good things, youremember the good things, you
see them being a good dad toyour girls and really stepping
to the occasion.
And those things are wonderful,but hard to see.
And so a lot for me in the firstyear was distraction.
(13:07):
I can look back and see that itwas distraction.
I was very busy, you know.
I during that period I had mykids 70% of the time.
Now we're a 50 split.
Um, and that was just becausehe's a firefighter and his
schedule is, you know, you know,two on, four off.
And so I had kind of said, hey,look, I'll let's just do one
(13:28):
week on, one week off, and I'lltake the girls, you know, when
you're at the station.
It wasn't because he didn't wantthem, you know, as much time.
And so after a while, we'relike, this isn't really working
for either of us.
Let's let's truly make this a50-50.
But so that first year, I wasvery busy single moming, and
that was hard and exhausting.
And I just remember bedtime wasjust incredibly hard.
(13:53):
They were five and three.
And so, you know, maybe I shouldhave had a more strict bedtime
routine.
I don't know.
I was just bedtime, was just ifI could get through it, that was
the best thing.
But on my time when I didn'thave my girls, I mean, I would
be gone.
I would I was working full time.
So I'd be leave, go to work, andthen after work, I was either
going to the gym and then goingrock climbing and then going out
(14:14):
with friends, you know, each ofthose days I didn't have my my
girls.
I wanted to meet more people.
I wanted to do the things thatbrought me joy and made me who I
am, which I'm grateful for thatfirst year of doing all those
things.
And it really built who I am orrebuilt who I was.
I feel like I kind of lostmyself in my marriage.
(14:35):
And so it was a very much a yearof distraction, but very much a
year of growth and learning whoI am and what I love and enjoy.
SPEAKER_01 (14:44):
So today, today, do you look back?
Any regrets today?
SPEAKER_00 (14:48):
No, I don't have any regrets because there were
things I did that I'm like, oh,I don't know if I'm like proud
of that, you know, I don't knowif I love that I did that, but I
don't regret it because itshaped me and I took it and I
would mold it into somethinglike, how can I learn from that?
You know, how can I learn fromthat experience?
How can I learn from that, youknow, mistake that I made?
(15:12):
And, you know, I think if Ireally regretted things, that
would be hard.
I think if there ever wassomething that I felt like I
regretted, I would try to figureout a way to mend it, you know,
to to make it right, or I don'tknow, heal from that and move
forward and use that experienceto help somebody else too.
SPEAKER_02 (15:31):
We'll be right back after this brief minutes.
And we're back.
Let's dive right in.
SPEAKER_01 (15:51):
We hate our ex.
And uh any advice for thosereally wanting to do something
to navigate a similar situationlike you and your ex-husband
have?
Um, I should show you, I coulduse his first name.
What's his first name?
Justin.
Justin.
So Amber and Justin have thisbeautiful co-parenting
connection.
And what what what does it take?
What's it take?
SPEAKER_00 (16:13):
That's a huge question.
I think it takes a lot of selfsacrifice, um, putting you know
your ego aside a lot.
Um, patience, having patiencewith, you know, the other party
and with yourself.
Um I think a big thing is havingboundaries, making sure you set
(16:35):
boundaries with somebody becauseit's not easy.
And I'm sure it's either you orthe other person is doing
something that infringes upontheir boundaries and you're
trying to get them, right?
You want them to react a certainway, you want them to respond a
certain way.
And for the other party to, Ithink it's like gray rocking, is
that right?
Where you kind of step back andyou give them no response.
(16:57):
There's nothing there, you know,whether it's not answering the
text or the calls or reacting ina certain way when you know
they're trying to get at you, isjust to press pause, take a few
deep breaths.
You don't have to answer thephone call, you don't have to
answer that text, you don't evenhave to answer that text message
tomorrow.
You just cannot answer it.
I always say, you know, unlessit pertains to the kids, like,
(17:20):
don't answer.
Like they may have saidsomething really mean to you.
Like, and I've told my friends,don't reply to that text
message.
Like they're just trying,they're angry, they're upset,
they're just trying to get atyou.
SPEAKER_01 (17:32):
Well, that's a good question, then Amber.
Do you try to make thecorrespondence sim just about
the kids?
About kids only.
SPEAKER_00 (17:39):
Yes, I would say that has been, you know, our
relationship, co-parentingrelationship has been a lot of
we just communicate about thekids.
You know, we don't have theselong drawn-out conversations of
trying to like talk about thingsor or fix things or um,
especially in the beginning.
You know, that was that washard.
That's where we really had toset boundaries on that.
(18:00):
But it was just about the kids,and it was always meaningful
because it was about thechildren.
Now it's very nice actually,because we attend our child's,
our children's extracurriculars,and we all sit by each other.
Usually it's like my parents,him and his wife, me, and you
know, everyone else who's there,you know, my boyfriend who is
(18:22):
there, and we all sit by eachother.
You know, we're not separated,we're all like plumped together,
and everyone is talking.
And so now, yes, like when we'rearound each other, we will talk
about other things.
Oh, hey, you started thisbusiness.
Oh, hey, how's your businessgoing?
Oh, did you see, you know, X, Y,and Z, or we talk about mutual
friends.
It's very nice to actually nowwe've built a friendship, but in
(18:46):
the beginning, it was just thekids.
Um, and I think that wasbeneficial.
So that's what I would kind ofsay is having those boundaries,
knowing your self-worth andhaving respect for yourself,
knowing that, you know, if yousay something or they say
something that comes out of hurtor pain, um, give that other
person some space.
(19:07):
Because I know, you know,there's been times where I've
done or said things that I wishI could take back, and I, you
know, don't didn't like how thatwent.
And it's almost better if theother person doesn't respond,
you know, to kind of give thatspace to me to be like, you
know, she's hurting, she'sfeeling this.
I'm gonna let her feel that.
And we can just let that kind ofgo to the side.
(19:28):
And we don't need to address it,we don't need to bring it up.
We can just accept it.
We don't have to take it in.
We can just to the side and letit pass.
SPEAKER_01 (19:36):
Wow.
That's a good behavior tactic,really, for any relationship,
even in marriage.
Yeah.
Those are pretty good things.
I I, you know, I believe youwhen you say that you've you've
learned so much.
You know, I think we all tend tohave regrets.
I think it's hard to do lifewithout regrets, but nothing is
ever wasted.
Everything teaches us.
Yeah, it defines us, refines us,helps us become the people I
(20:00):
think that we could be moreproud of.
SPEAKER_00 (20:03):
Absolutely.
And I think that's a key toanyone growing and progressing
in life or whatever thesituation is, is that you take
those experiences and you learnsomething from it.
You know, I know for me, youknow, pertaining to dating, I
would keep a log of the people Ihad dated, and I would write
down things that I loved aboutthem and things that I didn't.
(20:24):
And then I knew, you know, whenI was dating somebody else, I
would go back and I wouldcross-check.
And that that might sound silly,but it kept me moving forward in
a place that I wanted to andkind of like my eyes on the
prize, right?
I didn't forget these werethings I didn't like.
These were things I loved.
(20:45):
I definitely want someone thathas these qualities.
I definitely don't want thesequalities.
And like I said, as silly asthat might sound, I remember
narrowing it down and narrowingit down.
And and I remember turning to mycoworker one one day and I said,
Zach, I am so close.
I am so close to finding myperson because this is my list.
(21:07):
And I I almost, I'm almostthere, you know, like everyone
kept gaining more of the thingsI wanted and less of things I
didn't.
And um, and I was right, youknow, like now I'm in a
wonderful relationship with myboyfriend.
It's been a year and a half, andhe possessed, you know,
everything I wanted and somethings that I didn't know that I
(21:30):
wanted.
And he comes with differentthings that aren't hard.
They're not hard, they're justdifferent that make me grow and
stretch in ways that I needed togrow and stretch.
And it's just been such ajourney, you know, going there.
SPEAKER_01 (21:46):
Dating today, dating now versus dating when you were
with without children, right?
When you were younger andmarrying for the first time, how
how clearly it's you know,definitely different, right?
For starters, you're thinking ofthese two girls and what's best
for them, as well as what's bestfor your heart.
It's a whole nother dynamic.
SPEAKER_00 (22:07):
Yes.
Um, you know, putting my kidsfirst and everything.
Of course, in their beginning,we had a lot of me and my ex
Justin, we had boundaries of,you know, at what point do you
introduce the girls to, youknow, a significant other?
And I think that really helped.
And it made us really thinkintentionally about what our own
intentions were with dating.
So, you know, that was alwaysthere, keeping that in mind.
(22:30):
For me, with dating, you know,especially now, I will say my
boyfriend, he it's been abeautiful journey, you know,
watching him connect to my girlson his own terms and his own
timeline.
But better, my girl is lovinghim on their own timeline.
I never pressured either one ofthem.
(22:52):
I never forced them insituations or or forced them to,
you know, really enjoy eachother's company or want to spend
time together.
It was very much uh, we're justgonna present these two parties,
and I'm in the middle, and Ijust let them decide where
they're at.
And there's been some really funmoments of my girls, you know,
(23:13):
you know, my boyfriend Brianwouldn't be there, and they'd be
like, We we like Brian.
And I, instead of being like,Oh, I know, isn't he the best?
You know, I would say, you do?
How come?
Like, why?
And they would not Brian.
Yeah, and they would answer withwhy they liked him.
Um, also that might sound kindof silly, but I've done that a
(23:35):
lot.
I've really questioned theminstead of just steamroll it and
and take off with it, whateverthey're saying.
I really say, well, how come?
Why do you think that?
You know, why do you thinkBrian's a good boyfriend to me?
Why are you why do you say that?
You know, what are you seeing?
And I I it makes me happy as youknow, a mother to know, you
(23:56):
know, at least I hope that I amsetting a good example to them
and letting them have a choicein the matter.
I think that's hard when kids,you know, don't have a choice in
the matter, it because it istheir life 100%.
You know, this would be someonewho's in their life all the
time, and let them grow and wantthat, you know, it's it's a
(24:21):
beautiful thing, but it's been apatient thing.
SPEAKER_01 (24:25):
Kids really they don't have a ton of choices, do
they?
I mean, they are kind of alongfor the ride with their parents,
hopefully making the bestdecisions in their lives, right?
SPEAKER_00 (24:33):
Yes, and they're so wonderful, and I just love love
them so much.
And I think the once again topoint back on what you're
saying, how is it different?
Is that my goals dating, youknow, before marriage and now
was that, you know, before I wasI was young, I was 20 when I got
married, and so dating, youknow, I was 19 years old, and I
(24:53):
thought I can't wait to getmarried and build a life with
this person.
And that included for me, Iwanted to have kids, you know, I
wanted to gain a career andestablish a career and buy a
home.
And these were all like checkboxes that I had.
And so now I sit here dating andI'm like, okay, well, I have
(25:17):
kids, I have my daughters, youknow, I have a career, you know,
I have a home.
And what else is there?
You know, so dating now isreally you're choosing someone.
And yes, marriage should also bea choice of who you want to
choose to spend the rest of yourlife with.
But for me, it's really almostweighed heavily on me because it
seems like a much more seriousquestion of choosing someone
(25:40):
that I truly want to just sharemy life with because I don't
have these, like this naivetyof, you know, who knows what
it's gonna be like.
You know, it's marriage, itdoesn't have that, you know,
secrecy to it anymore.
You know, you've been there,you've done that, you've I mean
I've checked all those boxesthat I've had.
(26:01):
So now I'm really dating forsomeone I want to spend my life
with and love and enjoy and wantto share all of those things,
knowing that there will be hardtimes and there will be hard
things.
And how do you know like you'regonna stick with that, push
through that, use everythingI've learned, all the tools, all
the resources to make it lastand be better, you know?
SPEAKER_01 (26:25):
Do you uh plan on more children?
Would you like more children?
Is Justin planning on morechildren?
SPEAKER_00 (26:30):
I I don't know about Justin.
Um, I I think my girls, my girlswould love more siblings.
I I know that they tell theirstepmom um all the time that
they want, you know, her to havea baby.
They tell me all the time theywant me to have another baby, or
five.
I think the other day mydaughter said she wanted eight
more siblings.
(26:51):
Um which is still great.
I love that they feel like theywant to have more siblings.
I think that means we're doingsomething right.
You know, four years ago when Igot divorced, I did.
I did want to have more kids.
And now dating, um, I'm with myboyfriend.
He's never been married, he hasno kids, and uh, I'm just am
getting older.
I think, you know, every year,I'm getting older, and my kids
(27:14):
are getting older.
My youngest is seven.
I I don't know what that lookslike.
I don't want it's not at the topof my list anymore.
I don't want to say I don't wantto have kids, it's not at the
top of my list.
If me and my boyfriend endgetting married and he decides
that he would like to have achild, then I would happily have
one.
However, blending families, I'veheard, is just incredibly
(27:36):
difficult and hard andchallenging, but also so
rewarding.
Um, you know, where he doesn'thave kids and I have two.
He said, you know, I've wantedkids, but you have two, and that
is great for me.
And so you're on the same pagehere where it really makes sense
for us, but you know, it's notin the immediate cards.
(27:58):
So and they just take itsituation by situation, and it's
molded, of course, because Ihave dated people who have had
kids, and I was happy to bringthem in, you know, and I think
that's that is a good thing tohave was that I was flexible in
knowing, you know, what thatfuture might look like on the
kid realm, you know, marryingsomeone who has kids, wanting
(28:21):
more kids, or not.
So yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (28:23):
Do you have some people who question your
decision to to date, to bedivorced, raising young
children, and dating?
My my reason I ask is my verydear friend divorced, has four
boys, all getting older now, twoare in college.
Um, but her neighbor really,really gave her a bad time when
she announced that she'd found aspecial guy.
Actually, someone from from longago that she dated and they
(28:46):
reconnected 20 years later.
And um, it really it reallycaused some alarm from my dear
friend.
And she thought, oh my gosh,people, you know, I think it's
the doctor, the Dr.
Laura principle, right?
Of staying single and raisingyour children until you uh until
they're out of the house.
Have you have you had support?
Have you had a lack of support,Amber?
Both?
SPEAKER_00 (29:07):
I have had tremendous support.
I feel like I have the bestfamily and the best friends who
also keep me sane.
They keep me honest.
You know, they I tell them allthe time, I'm gonna tell you the
good and the hard with anyoneI'm dating because I I need
somebody else to know the truth,the whole truth, and not have
(29:30):
those rose-colored glasses onall the time.
And, you know, my like I said,my friends and family have been
supportive from the verybeginning.
Um, there are other people, youknow, definitely, who have been
like, I would never date, Idon't know how you're doing
this, I don't know why youwould, you know, that's gonna be
so hard for your kids, or Idon't know why you would date
somebody who has kids.
I don't know why you would datesomeone who doesn't have kids.
(29:52):
There are those people who saythat.
And they they're all over theboard.
And I think the biggest thingfor me was like I Said having
that great support system of thepeople in my life that have
helped keep me accountable andkeep me progressing forward and
help m help me make gooddecisions.
I remember being in therapy andI was really frustrated,
(30:14):
honestly, that the therapistwasn't telling me what I should
do.
I was like, Can't you just tellme what to do?
I just tell you're theprofessional here.
And they said, I will never tellyou what to do.
That is up to you.
Like I will help have theseconversations and help guide and
ask you questions, butultimately you make those
choices.
And I was like, like, seriously?
(30:37):
You know, like I I have to makemy own choices.
And truly knowing that, like Iwill talk to friends and family,
but at the end of the day, I getto choose, you know, I get to
choose what my life looks like.
And but having those people whowill hold you accountable is
key, I think.
And so I never questioned what Iwas doing, why I was wanting to
(31:02):
date and remarry.
I never questioned that becauseI had the great support system
who would keep me in check.
And I I hope everyone can havethat.
And I think a big thing of thatis being open to hearing
something you might not want tohear.
I've had friends or family say,I don't like them.
I don't think they're good foryou.
(31:23):
I don't like that they did thisand this and this.
And I have to take a step backand say, I understand.
I think you're right, you know,but I and there were times I'm
gonna give them one more chance.
You know, I'm gonna I'm gonnagive them one more chance.
And I usually did give them onemore chance because this whole
process of dating after divorcewas learning how patient can you
(31:44):
be, how forgiving can you be,how much grace can you give.
And those things for sure 100%,especially in the beginning, I
gave way too much grace, way tooforgiving, and you kind of have
to like tailor it in to find outwhere where is that line, you
know.
You can't let somebody just getaway with everything, but you
(32:07):
also need to be able to forgiveand understand the situation.
And I mean, there's so much toit, but have good people.
SPEAKER_01 (32:15):
Hope you write a book, Amber.
SPEAKER_00 (32:16):
Right.
I honestly I would love to.
I truly have thought about thatfor many years, and I would love
to do that, and I'll put it onmy list.
Yeah, good.
You see, put it on your longlist.
SPEAKER_01 (32:27):
Um speaking of books, was there anything that
helped you most on thisparticular journey?
SPEAKER_00 (32:33):
Yeah, I I read a couple of books.
I, of course, would read anysort of article, psychology
article I could find online,just anything.
And and you have to be carefulwith those, I know, and take
beats bits and pieces here andthere.
But some books I read were wasactually one called Untamed by
Glennon Doyle.
And I loved that one because itreally helped me step into me as
my own person and honoringmyself and my passions and
(32:57):
really encouraged me to live formy girls, you know, live for
them.
I want to show them an examplethat they admire and want to be
when they grow up and notsomeone who just puts their
needs to the side and doeseverything for my kids.
Yes, I do so much for my kids.
I love being involved in mykids' lives, and that is a
(33:18):
passion.
They are my passion.
But also, do I love to rockclimb or mountain bike or play
soccer or be with my friends andhave good friends that I love
spending time with?
And I think all those things areso important for my kids to see
in their mom.
Absolutely.
You know, absolutely 100%.
They need to see their momhaving fun, taking risks, being
(33:39):
brave, going on vacations.
So they have this, you know,ideal of a life that they want
to have while they can also bein a loving relationship and
have kids, you know.
And so I, you know, that was awonderful book.
Another one is how to not fallin love with a jerk.
I think that's the title.
That one is a very uh good justpick up and read.
(34:03):
Um, it kind of like I said,keeps me in check, you know,
reading and be like, oh, am Iseeing any of these things in
myself?
Not only in the person you'redating, but are keeping
yourself, are you introspectiveenough to look and be like, oh,
I do that and I don't like that.
How do I fix it?
You know, so that's a fantasticbook of like checks and balances
(34:24):
to not link.
Yeah, it's fantastic.
I just pick it up and flippedany page and read it, and you're
gonna gather something better.
SPEAKER_01 (34:35):
Get a nugget, yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (34:36):
Yep, and then the older one I actually haven't
read, but I've talked to a lotof friends about, and I it's on
my list to read was The BodyKeeps the Score.
And I think, you know, havingnot read that, but I've read,
you know, know what it's about,and I've talked to people and
read little excerpts from it, isthat it is so true and very sad.
There have been a lot of momentswhere it is really sad how your
(34:57):
body reacts so fiercely tosomething when you don't really
want it to, but it does.
And how do you combat that andaddress it and learn from it and
work through it and prevent itfrom happening again, you know,
is a lot of that work onyourself.
(35:18):
So I've done a lot of that.
There's been a lot of timeswhere I've had to really check
myself and see why I'm reactingthat way and explain thoroughly
to the person that I'm dating,like why I'm reacting the way I
am, and I don't like it, butthis is why.
I know I need to fix it, I needto work on it, but just have
(35:39):
patience with me and I will dobetter.
SPEAKER_02 (35:42):
We'll be right back after this brief message.
And we're back.
Let's dive right in.
SPEAKER_01 (35:58):
It's such beautiful ownership.
Do you find that you're meetingmen who are also doing the work,
you know, on themselves?
I would imagine that could be adeal breaker or a deal maker.
SPEAKER_00 (36:09):
Yeah.
Um it was hard.
It was really hard.
I feel like um I'm such athinker and I'm such a like I
want to figure out why.
And so I do a lot of work onmyself and a lot of
introspection and a lot ofwilling to talk to my friends
and hear the things I don't wantto hear.
(36:29):
I would say in my experience,most people are not like that.
Um, you know, a lot of peopleget very defensive, you know, a
lot of people just have theirjustifications, or a lot of
people might say, well, you getwhat you get.
Like, you know, I've this is whoI am, this is how it's gonna be.
I don't think it's wrong.
You should probably deal withit.
(36:49):
You know, I I've countencountered a lot of that.
Uh, that's not to say everyonewas like that.
I did also date and meet a lotof great guys who I learned so
much from and really took a lotof those key things I wanted in
my person and put them on thatlist because they were so
wonderful.
And there were some very patientand loving and generous and
(37:10):
mild-tempered things that andwillingness to hear something
that they might not want to hearand to do better.
And so, yeah, I would say therewas both.
And it's a it's tremendous whenyou can find somebody who does
react that way and shares thesame beliefs.
SPEAKER_01 (37:27):
I just think I have such a tender spot for singles
because I was one for manydecades.
I didn't marry till 50.
And um I think that we we dohave a responsibility to each
other in the dating world to begood to each other, to be
honest, and to lead each othermaybe a little bit better than
we found each other.
SPEAKER_00 (37:46):
Yeah, that's my friend's favorite line.
She's also single, and that'sher favorite thing.
You always leave someone betterthan you found them, and also
yourself.
SPEAKER_01 (37:56):
Mm-hmm.
I love it.
All right, my friend.
Well, you're all over socialmedia.
Amber, you offer differentcoaching options and you have
resources.
Tell us a bit about those andwhere people can find you and
learn about what you offer.
SPEAKER_00 (38:08):
Yeah, so I'm I just have a personal Instagram
account, you know, AmberAnderson, but I also started a
side business where I doactually home exercise for the
geriatric population, um, whichis move safe advocates.
I don't have anything for, youknow, live coaching or
post-divorce.
However, like I said, I wouldlove to be able to get into any
(38:28):
of that or write a book someday,and I guess just keep your ears
open for maybe the day that thatcomes through.
SPEAKER_01 (38:35):
I we're cheering you on.
I hope that for you, Justin,this beautiful bride, and others
that will be joining this clan,however, um, that you continue
to do so well together and havethis joint effort and put these
children first.
It's really quite lovely.
We don't know what's around thecorner, right?
None of us do.
SPEAKER_00 (38:56):
Exactly.
Exactly.
SPEAKER_01 (38:57):
But you you are determined enough to make sure
that things stay truly steadyand kind and graceful and
forgiving.
I I love that.
We love to um ask all of ourguests as we wrap up one
particular question and honorthe name of our podcast.
What do you think, Amber, is thekey to a stronger marriage
connection?
SPEAKER_00 (39:18):
I think, in hopes of everything I've learned so far,
is being able to have the hardtalks.
You know, I didn't really bringthat up, but having the hard
talks with somebody, somethingthat is on your mind that is
causing you some anxiety, youjust gotta have that talk.
You just gotta hit it head on.
You gotta sit down and say, hey,look, here's what I'm feeling.
I found the best way to addressthings and issues and
(39:41):
relationships is to say, hey,this is how I've been feeling.
This is why I think I'm feelingthis way.
This is why I do feel this way,this is what I'm gathering from
you.
Can you please tell me what'sgoing on?
You know, I think having thehard talks, just let them feel
safe opening up to you because Ithink a lot of us will get
(40:03):
defensive.
We don't want to be wrong or wedon't want to have hurt
somebody.
Um, but if you have an issue andyou're having anxiety over it,
you know, go to them and justand just do it.
You know, just have that talkimmediately.
There's no need to wait.
There's no need to have like theperfect scenario.
Um, but open yourself up and bevulnerable first, I think is
(40:26):
key.
I hope.
I hope that is key to be able togo to someone, be vulnerable,
say I'm I, you know, I want tounderstand, I want to be better,
I want you to understand whereI'm coming from.
Can we please talk about this?
So I hope being up front andjust leading with courage and
(40:46):
vulnerability, and the theanswer will always be the right
answer, is what I've kind of mymotto has always been.
I've I've dealt with a lot ofrejection and I've I've had a
lot of success.
And I think that in each ofthose moments, I am okay with
whatever the answer is going tobe because it's ultimately the
right answer, even though itmight not be something that I
(41:09):
think I want.
SPEAKER_01 (41:10):
Have you ever had some people you were dating who
just didn't couldn't even gothere?
SPEAKER_00 (41:15):
I mean, yeah, yeah, definitely to ask of someone.
SPEAKER_01 (41:21):
I'm just saying it's a lot to ask of someone who
maybe isn't practiced at it.
SPEAKER_00 (41:24):
Oh, yeah, I for sure.
Yeah, I've definitely datedpeople who just could not even
go there, just were kind of at aloss of words.
And and ultimately obviouslythose relationships just
crumbled, you know, almostimmediately.
Of course, of course.
SPEAKER_01 (41:38):
That's a good way to sift through.
SPEAKER_00 (41:40):
Yes, 100%.
And my boyfriend now, he is sogood.
He's so good at just listeningand validating and
understanding, but he's not,he's he doesn't just conform to
whatever I want, right?
He's not just like, okay, you'reright.
You know, he's very much oflike, okay, I see where you're
coming from.
I understand how you're feelingthat way.
I don't want you to feel thatway.
How can we make it better?
(42:01):
What can we both do?
I can do this different, youknow.
Maybe could you do thisdifferent?
And we figure it out.
And I think that is 100% key toa great relationship.
SPEAKER_01 (42:13):
It's such a good time to be dating, to be
married.
I mean, as far as we know, somuch more than we ever had
before about what makes arelationship thrive.
You know, strongermarriage.org,I'm sure you're familiar with
that.
Amber being in the area you are.
Um, so many wonderful resourcesthere.
That um, with your dedication, Ithink you are going to be
(42:34):
unstoppable.
SPEAKER_00 (42:36):
Thank you.
Thanks.
SPEAKER_01 (42:37):
Oh, it's a take-home message for sure that you just
want all of us to remember fromour discussion today.
SPEAKER_00 (42:42):
Something to stand out.
Yeah, just stay positive andknow your goals and know your
worth and love yourself and youknow, have your priorities, of
course, in line of where youwant them to be, and always stay
true to those and keep yourselfin check.
You know, no one's perfect, andyou know, be open to what you
need to work on yourself.
SPEAKER_01 (43:03):
Yeah, good.
Yeah, we're not looking forperfect, are we?
But a good fit, yes, you know,where it's a win-win.
And you know, I have a friendwho wrote the book, Real Love in
Dating, and he talks about, youknow, dating with our wish worst
foot forward, because when youdate with your best foot
forward, everybody's got thatstinky foot, and sometimes you
find out about that stinky foota little too late.
(43:24):
Yeah, definitely.
I would say that might be mygreatest takeaway is um leaving
people, relationships, heartsbetter than you found them
stronger.
You know?
Ah.
Well, Amber Anderson, thank youso much for being with us today,
for really speaking so openlyabout a really tender topic
that's kind of loaded.
It's not easy.
(43:45):
It takes a lot of courage, and Ireally admire um the courage
that you have.
SPEAKER_00 (43:50):
Thank you.
SPEAKER_01 (43:50):
Thank you so much.
Here I am, this is my decision,and going forward, this is what
I'm looking for.
And I want to teach others thatsame kind of courage.
So good for you.
SPEAKER_00 (44:01):
Thank you.
Appreciate you having me here.
SPEAKER_01 (44:02):
Well, that's all we have for now today, friends.
Thank you for tuning in, andwe'll see you next time.
But do remember it's the smallthings that create a stronger
marriage connection.
Thank you.
SPEAKER_03 (44:16):
Thanks for joining us today.
Hey, do us a favor and take asecond to subscribe to our
podcast and the Utah MarriageCommission YouTube channel at
Utah Marriage Commission, whereyou can watch this and every
episode of the show.
Be sure to smash the likebutton, leave a comment, and
share this episode with afriend.
You can also follow and interactwith us on Instagram at
(44:37):
StrongerMarriageWife andFacebook at Stronger Marriage.
So be sure to share with uswhich topics you love and which
guests we should have on theshow next.
If you want even more resourcesto improve your marriage or
relationship connection, visitstrongermarriage.org where
you'll find free workshops,e-courses, in-depth webinars,
relationship surveys, and more.
(44:59):
Each episode of StrongerMarriage Connection is hosted
and sponsored by the UtahMarriage Commission at Utah
State University.
And finally, a big thanks to ourproducer, Rex Polanis, and the
team at Utah State University.
And you, our audience, you makethis show possible.
The opinions, findings,conclusions, and recommendations
expressed in this podcast do notnecessarily reflect the views of
(45:22):
the Utah Marriage Commission.
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