September 1, 2025 • 33 mins
Relationship coach Monica Tanner returns to discuss her new book "Bad Marriage Advice: 15 Myths That Are Keeping You Miserable" and challenges conventional wisdom that may be damaging marriages. She explores how common advice like "happy wife, happy life" and "don't sweat the small stuff" creates imbalanced relationships, poor communication patterns, and prevents couples from addressing issues before they become serious problems.
• "Happy wife, happy life" places too much responsibility on women for the emotional atmosphere while encouraging men to silence their own needs
• "Divorce is not an option" can prevent couples from growing and making necessary changes when they believe they're stuck regardless of effort
• Instead of compromise where nobody gets what they want, try collaboration through curiosity about each other's underlying needs
• Newlyweds should establish a relationship with a coach/counselor early as prevention rather than waiting for crisis
• "Don't sweat the small stuff" ignores how minor irritations become major resentments—address issues while they're still small
• Most relationship patterns stem from childhood programming and past experiences that shape automatic reactions
• The key to stronger marriages is consciousness (understanding yourself and your partner) and effective communication
• Happily ever after is possible when couples view marriage as a "people-growing machine" that helps them become their best selves
Find Monica Tanner's book at badmarriageadvice.com or learn more about her work at monicatanner.com.
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Dr. Liz Hale:
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:04):
We've all given or received marriage advice at some
point.
But what if some of thatwell-meaning wisdom is actually
doing more harm than good?
On today's episode, liz and Iare thrilled to welcome back
relationship coach, podcasterand author Monica Tanner.
She's here to share insightsfrom her brand new book Bad
Marriage Advice, where sheunpacks popular but problematic
(00:26):
tips like don't sweat the smallstuff and happy wife, happy life
, and offers smarteralternatives instead.
Monica Tanner is a relationshipcoach and host of the Secrets
of Happily Ever After podcast.
She's on a mission to lower thedivorce rate and boost marital
satisfaction through practicaltools for communication,
(00:51):
connection, conflict resolutionand commitment.
Her programs, podcasts andvibrant online community have
helped thousands of couplesditch resentment and roommate
syndrome and reclaim theirhappily ever after.
We hope you enjoy the show.
Hey friends, welcome to anotherepisode of the Stronger Marriage
Connection podcast.
I'm Dr Dave here at USU,alongside Dr Liz Hill, our
(01:17):
therapist, and we're aiming tobring you the very best that we
have in research and resourcesand tips and tools to help you
create the marriage of yourdreams.
Okay, liz, as you know, oursecond daughter was married back
in April.
I was talking with her not longago about some marriage tips
Everyone loves to offernewlyweds especially oh, I do
this or do that, or make sureyou don't do this.
(01:37):
And she received from peopleand it was all over the place,
honestly this advice.
It sure seems like people arestill stuck in ways of thinking
that lead to just plain badmarriage advice.
Well, our guest is back, bypopular demand and she's written
a book.
I love the title oh, badMarriage Advice 15 Myths that
(02:01):
Are Keeping you Miserable.
Welcome back to the show,monica Tanner.
Speaker 2 (02:05):
Thank you so much for having me.
I'm so excited to be with youguys, today Good to have you
back, Monica.
Speaker 3 (02:10):
Thank you yeah.
Speaker 1 (02:11):
Thrilled to have you back.
I'm curious.
Let's jump right in, monica.
What's the story?
Can you give us a little bit ofbackground story to your new
book Bad?
Speaker 2 (02:24):
Marriage Advice.
I'm eager to hear how it allcame about.
Yeah, so it was really crazy.
So my son returned home from hismission and very shortly
thereafter announced that hewanted to marry this girl, and
my husband and I were superexcited about it.
We met her and no red flags oranything like that.
We were very excited, exceptfor the fact that they were both
very young, and so I thought,wow, they are going to get so
(02:47):
much marriage advice, but whatcould I give them from my heart
in 23 years of marriage and alsoworking with couples?
So I sat down to write kind ofa letter to them for their
wedding and it turned into abook and really it was about me
combating so much of the badmarriage advice that not only my
(03:09):
husband and I received when wefirst got married, but also
working with couples who arevery attached to certain ideas
that I can see is wreaking havoc, so things that we've had to
unwind in their minds and workwith, so things that we've had
to kind of unwind in their mindsand work with.
I wanted to kind of set them ona firm foundation of just solid
(03:30):
principles that were going tohelp them succeed in their
marriage, and so that's how BadMarriage Advice was born.
Speaker 1 (03:38):
I love it.
Yeah, I love the title and yes,you're right, that must be one
long letter.
He's probably like mom, are youserious?
But amazing, I mean, you turnthis into a book, man.
I'm telling you it is so needed, so I can't wait to dive in and
learn more.
Speaker 3 (03:56):
Yeah, you and me both .
What a gift, what a gift togive your son and
daughter-in-law.
Speaker 2 (04:03):
So they've been married now how long They've
been married a little over amonth and I feel like I set a
pretty powerful precedencebecause I still have three more
children who get married.
I'm like, well, I hope I havethree more books, yeah.
Speaker 3 (04:15):
Just keep adding to them, because this has got to be
a winner.
I can't wait to get my hands onit.
Quite honestly, what's some ofthe worst marriage advice that
keeps us stuck, monica?
What have you heard through theyears?
I'm sure you've kept track, andwhat are some of those zingers
that you think, oh boy, we gotto put an end to this one.
Speaker 2 (04:32):
It's interesting because you'll recognize there's
a lot of cliches.
When I pulled my audience and Iwas like what's the worst
marriage advice you got?
And so many people said happywife, happy life.
Because that's still such acliche that you are all.
I see it all over social media.
You've got the guy walkingaround with the microphone and
(04:52):
he's interviewing couples andhe'll stop them on the street
and they're like she's the boss,she wears the pants.
If she's happy, we're all happy, all in the.
It's like I sometimes cringeand I'm like I wonder if that
guy really believes that if theyreally operate like that,
because it sounds really good,it's really romantic, like, oh,
(05:15):
how sweet, he's always thinkingabout her feelings.
Speaker 3 (05:17):
But what a terrible precedence to set that we only
care about one partner'shappiness precedence to set that
we only care about onepartner's happiness, because
I've been known to kind of thinkalong those lines, but not so
much that the husband'shappiness is not important,
right.
But it just seems, like men ingeneral, they really.
(05:38):
It's like a woman's happinessis really imperative to them,
right, they really want to beher hero.
So, oh gosh, sometimes there'sanother way or another meaning,
but I nonetheless, I really getwhat you're saying.
Speaker 2 (05:52):
Yeah, because a good man does worry about his wife's
happiness, right, and that isimportant.
However, there's two sides ofthis One.
You know, that's a lot ofresponsibility for a woman to be
in charge of the emotionalatmosphere of the marriage.
So if she's not happy, wellthen nobody's happy.
It's like we got to keep Mom'scrazy.
(06:18):
So as long as we keep her happy, everything else is going to be
okay.
So there's the negativeconnotation there for the wife,
the happy wife, but also for thehusband who's like constantly
just working around his wife'shappiness, revolving around her
happiness.
Eventually, like once he's notgetting his needs met as well,
(06:39):
he's going to disengage, he'sgoing to withdraw, he's going to
be like it doesn't matter whatI want, we always do what she
wants, right.
Another really important aspectof why this advice is just a
recipe for disaster is this ideathat if he's not communicating,
it engenders lazy communication.
(07:01):
Because if he doesn't have tothink about his wants and needs,
if he doesn't have theopportunity to express them
because he's constantly justworried about hers, then he's
not getting what he needs, he'snot getting what he wants and
eventually that's going to fallapart.
Okay, good point.
I got it.
Speaker 3 (07:21):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (07:21):
So I like to replace that with happy spouse, happy
house.
We care about both partners andtheir happiness and we want to
make sure that thatcommunication, where both of us
are stepping up to the plate,showing up and making our needs
and wants, heard.
Speaker 3 (07:38):
Yeah, that's clever.
That is clever, thank you forthat?
Speaker 1 (07:43):
Yeah, yes, love that.
Actually, monica, tell me abouttoxic advice.
What is it that you see oldercouples struggling with in your
practice?
Is it similar things or is itdifferent?
Speaker 2 (07:56):
I think, especially a lot of times I work with
couples who ascribe to thisadvice that divorce is not an
option, and that can be really,really toxic, in that it keeps
couples from really working tomake adjustments, to make
(08:21):
themselves pleasing to theirpartner, to really grow into the
relationship and to keep onputting into the relationship
Not only that, but kind of likethe happy wife, happy life,
stepping up to the plate and notstanding up for themselves,
being able to say these are mywants, these are my needs, these
(08:41):
are my preferences.
How can we get more of what weboth want out of this
relationship?
Because this idea that divorceis not an option kind of you're
kind of stuck with me so I don'treally have to try, or I'm not
going to get what I want herebecause there's no out.
(09:02):
We made a commitment, however,many years ago, and so what
happens is I see a lot ofcouples who they've raised their
children and now they're at acrossroads.
They're like we don't have muchof a relationship.
We kind of we didn't connectvery well.
We kind of built our familyaround our kids.
Now our kids are leaving.
We don't have very much left.
(09:23):
So do we try and make this agood scenario for both of us?
Or do we just kind of lay downand live out the rest of our
lives, or do we consider movingon?
And so a lot of the couplesthat come to me.
They haven't really cared fortheir relationship.
They did more of building theirfamily around their children
(09:45):
and their wants and needs, andnow they're left in a precarious
situation where they're notsure how to move forward.
Speaker 3 (09:57):
Let's talk next to Bell.
Let's talk about compromise.
Yeah, you say you're not a fan.
Why is compromise sodestructive to a healthy
marriage and what do you suggestis the alternative?
Speaker 2 (10:07):
Yeah.
So that's another one.
When you ask couples like oldercouples who have been together
for a really long time, they'llsay well, you just have to learn
to compromise.
And when I hear that word, Ithink of I give, you give, we
take turns giving.
Nobody actually gets what theywant.
Here we have to sacrifice somuch, especially when I think
(10:29):
about women who have sacrificedtheir dreams for the
relationship, or the man who hassubscribed to that idea of
happy wife, happy life.
They've compromised so much oftheir own needs to keep their
wife happy and it's reallyunfortunate, but I do think that
(10:52):
it's well-meaning advice.
And back in the day, when wedidn't have so many options,
maybe compromise was necessary.
But we have so many options now.
There are so many resources forcouples to go to.
When it comes to how to live,how to work, there's so many
different.
(11:12):
I mean, we can do all of ourwork online now.
How to educate the kids theseare big topics that couples
usually compromise on.
But because there are so manyresources and options and
there's not just one right wayto do things, there's no reason
to ever compromise.
What happens when we compromiseis it again allows for this
(11:38):
lazy communication.
It's like all right, well, I'llgive this, I'll give a little,
you'll give a little, we'll meetin the middle and really
neither of us gets exactly whatwe want versus what I like to
call collaboration.
This requires some curiosity.
So when you find yourselveshaving two different opinions,
(12:02):
if you will stop and get curiouswhy do I feel so strongly about
my position on this issue?
And then get curious about yourpartner.
I wonder why they feel sostrongly about their position.
What is so important to themand what feels very important to
me?
And then, if you communicateabout those things, there's
(12:24):
really no reason why, once youhave a better understanding of
your partner and yourself, likewhat are my reservations about
my partner's position as welland what are their reservations
about my position?
Once you're armed with all ofthat knowledge, then you can go
to, like, let's say, ChatGPT orYouTube, and be like what are
(12:47):
all of the options that areavailable with keeping these
things in mind, these corethings that are really important
to me and really important tomy spouse, and how can we come
up with a collaboration and acooperation that both of us feel
really good about?
So compromise is kind of out.
That's kind of like the old wayof doing things.
(13:08):
Collaboration is what's in now.
I like it.
Speaker 3 (13:12):
I love it actually.
Speaker 1 (13:14):
Yeah, that is good.
I know I'm jotting notes downhere.
This is good stuff youmentioned about getting.
I love the C's right Compromiseto collaboration, cooperation
and getting curious as well.
It's just that whole idea ofpausing.
It feels like in recent years,instead of being I call it a
nuclear reactor just reacting,it's this first responder slow
(13:34):
down, get curious, assess thesituation and then purposely
respond rather than react.
Speaker 2 (13:42):
Yeah, that's so good.
Speaker 1 (13:43):
I love that, monica.
I mentioned earlier ourdaughter, one of our daughters.
We're going to actually begrandparents next month.
Yeah, with our oldest daughter.
Speaker 2 (13:52):
Oh, that's so exciting.
Speaker 1 (13:53):
Grandparents for the first time.
She got married in April andfor her and others, do you have
some go-to advice for newlyweds?
Speaker 2 (14:05):
Yes, and I feel so strongly about this and the more
I've gotten into this newlywedspace and I've watched my own
baby get married where I'm justlike oh my goodness for newlywed
couples is to get in with areally good coach or counselor
(14:33):
and just have a few sessionswhere you really think about and
talk about the differentdynamics, your different
experiences, how to talk aboutand share about the different
experiences you've had in yourlife, especially around some of
those sensitive topics like sexand money and how to raise kids
and how many kids you want.
Figure out what your dynamicslook like, kind of do an
(14:57):
assessment has there been anytrauma?
Are there going to be any bigchallenges that are easy to spot
from here?
And then get some really goodconflict resolution, repair
skills, communication skills, sothat when you do bump up
against those issues, you cantalk about them without the
(15:17):
communication breaking down.
And then not only that, butonce you've established before
there's a problem, you'veestablished with somebody that
you trust, that now knows therelationship, you can go back.
So there's a statistic that saysthat couples wait six years in
a miserable circumstance beforethey seek help.
(15:40):
Now, really, what are the oddsthat someone's going to be able
to go six years into theproblematic dynamic and unwind
all of that.
But now you have a new couplethat's already established with
somebody they trust.
They're familiar with theindividuals and their dynamics
and now, when they do come upwith an issue like where should
(16:03):
we move, how do we educate thekids?
We're really struggling withmoney, or whatever the issue is,
they can go to this person whoalready has like a really clear
vision of that relationship andquickly work through their
problems prevention, preventionit's like an insurance policy
(16:26):
that you don't have to pay intoall the time.
Right, you just set it up in thebeginning of the marriage and
then it's like an insurancepolicy that you don't have to
pay into all the time.
Right, you just set it up inthe beginning of the marriage
and then it's there when youneed it oh so smart yeah,
getting that support right, yeah, can we just there?
Speaker 3 (16:40):
just isn't enough because we have blind spots.
We can't really see straighteither, you know, so I like that
.
Then, of course, if somebodyretires, right, you have to
start over, but nonetheless dostart over.
If you have to, right, alwayshave that supportive person in
your back pocket.
Speaker 2 (16:55):
It's great advice, yeah, and I just think like
there's so much strength inknowing when to ask for help.
You know, couples all the timewill say how do I know when we
need help?
And I'm like, well, it's whenyou can't do it on your own
right, when you're keep havingthe same argument over and over
and over again, when you feel sodisconnected, when you're not
able to work it out on your own,why not go to somebody who's
(17:21):
trained to be able to help you,look at these dynamics from a
neutral perspective and give youthe skills to work through that
?
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (17:32):
We'll be right back after this brief message.
And we're back, let's diveright in.
Speaker 3 (17:49):
In your book, monica.
We're curious which of the 15myths do you think couples find
or believe most strongly, andwhy do you think it has that
kind of staying power?
Speaker 2 (18:01):
I mean, there's so many, it would be so hard to
pick just one.
But I really like the clichethat I hear all the time is
don't sweat the small stuff.
And again, I think it's verywell-meaning advice.
Right, you've got this brandnew couple.
They're so in love they can'timagine anything ever going
wrong.
And then you have this older,established couple that's like
(18:23):
hey, don't sweat the small stuff.
If he leaves the toilet seat upor don't bring it up, it's not
a big deal, just push it down,don't sweat the small stuff.
And I cringe because I'm likewhere do you think the big stuff
comes from?
It comes from the small stuff.
So do we want to deal with itas a seed or do we want to deal
(18:44):
with it as a weed?
So important, let's talk aboutthe small stuff, but let's get
some skills to be able toaddress the small stuff in
productive ways, where yourspouse isn't going to get
defensive or feel criticized oryou know what I'm saying.
So let's learn the skills todeal with the small stuff, or
sweat the small stuff when it'sstill small.
Speaker 1 (19:09):
Yeah, yeah, that's why I knew, dave.
Speaker 3 (19:10):
You know, before we had monica on, I knew that I was
going to hear some of thesemyths, this damaging advice that
I was guilty of.
I knew I would hear it.
I just knew it.
I know what I mean when I sayit.
Right, but then to hear monicaexplain, it's like, oh well,
yeah, of course you're right,that's not what I meant, so
thank you for that perspective.
Speaker 1 (19:27):
Yeah, this is very insightful for sure, monica.
Monica, I'm curious how do youhelp couples, I guess, unlearn
these deeply ingrained beliefsabout marriage?
What does that process looklike in relationship coaching?
Speaker 2 (19:43):
Yeah, this is such a great question.
My husband and I were justtalking about this.
We were talking about a familythat's very close to our hearts.
We've known them for a longtime and they're really, really
struggling.
And the reality is is that mostpeople just live most of their
lives out of their programming.
Right, they do what they sawtheir parents do, they do what
(20:06):
they learned how to do aschildren to kind of survive
their environment.
Right, they just are kind of onautopilot and they don't see a
problem with it until somebodyholds them accountable, until
they realize the impact thatit's having on either their
spouse or their children ortheir family members, friends,
until they lose their job,whatever.
(20:27):
It usually takes some sort ofevent to make somebody aware
that they're just living outtheir programming.
And so what happens is a lot oftimes I'll get one spouse who
will come to me and they'reupset with the relationship.
They want to improve it.
It's always like if only myspouse would and we could be
(20:50):
happy.
But again, where this is soimportant and where coaching is
so important is we have to showthe spouse and this sounds awful
, but we have to make the spouseuncomfortable.
So if you are uncomfortable inthe relationship, usually
nothing's changing because yourmake the spouse uncomfortable.
(21:12):
So if you are uncomfortable inthe relationship, usually
nothing's changing because yourpartner is not uncomfortable.
They don't understand even thatthere might be a problem.
So it's working with theuncomfortable partner to A ask
for what they want.
But if the spouse isn't willingto give it to them, it's about
making them uncomfortable enoughto be willing to come and work
on the relationship.
So you can spark change in arelationship.
(21:35):
Just one partner but you can'tsustain that change over time
without having both partnerscome to the table.
So it's about really bringingboth partners in and having them
both look at their programming,their impact on each other, the
dynamic or the dance with whichthey relate to one another, and
(21:56):
then changing it.
And so Dave brought up a greatpoint is that earlier when we
were talking, you don't realizewhat it is that you're doing.
You don't realize what it isthat you're doing, you're just
reacting and you're not taking abeat, seeing your impact and
then choosing your response.
So that's a lot of what we do,especially in RLT.
(22:24):
The modality that I'm trained inis we look at the couple's
dynamic or their dance, then wethink about their trauma, what
is, is their knee-jerk adaptivechild response and what is that
impact on the dynamic.
And we can go back and find out.
Typically, terry Real, mymentor, says show me the
thumbprint and I'll tell youabout the sum.
(22:45):
And that's really like seeingwhat in their programming, what
in their upbringing, set them upfor those types of responses.
And then when you show those topeople and you show them the
impact that it's having not onlyon them, their spouse, on their
(23:06):
posterity, this reaction, thisresponse that they're doing a
lot of times, that will sparkchange really quickly.
And I've seen people that areprone to aggression and abuse
change it in an instant whenthey realize the impact that
it's having on their partner andon their children.
(23:27):
So it's really, really powerful.
And then once we deal with thatadaptive child part of them, the
part of them that won't accessskills.
So what happens a lot of timein traditional therapy is a
couple will come in and they'lllearn skills, but in the moment
of triggering they're not goingto use those skills because
(23:48):
they're in that fight, flight orfreeze response, fight, flight
or flee or fawn response.
Their only concern in thatmoment is protecting themselves.
They don't want to access theskills they're not thinking
about how can I make thisrelationship better?
They're thinking about how canI protect myself right here.
(24:08):
So once you show them that,once they get better at moving
out of that initial response andinto more that initial reaction
and more into a thoughtfulresponse, then you can start
giving them really impactfulskills that they can use.
But they won't be able toaccess those skills until you
(24:31):
deal with those adaptive childparts of them that only care
about protecting themselves.
Speaker 1 (24:36):
Really, yeah, wow, that's great.
Thank you, and.
Speaker 3 (24:40):
Terry Real's program.
What does RLT stand for?
Again, it's called RelationalLife Therapy.
Relational Life, that's the one.
Okay, relational Life,relational life therapy isn't
that so cool.
Every time I talk to someonewho has this, this great insight
about years gone by, right,either childhood or something
that we're, we're struck from,right, we have that the reaction
(25:04):
um, I think, how gosh, I justdon't spend enough time really
giving um respect to past thingsthat trigger, right, that upset
us in the here and now.
So I really I always appreciatethat.
Monica, thank you for that.
What about some of thosecultural, generational
differences along these lines,these marriage myths that people
(25:25):
tend to hold on to?
And I realize we're all frommulticultural, we're all in
multicultural marriages, right?
Even if we've married someonedown the street.
Speaker 2 (25:35):
We have our differences, our families, we do
, and I think we expect a lotmore from marriage than they did
historically right, it's likebefore marriage was just about
convenience.
It was about getting the workof life kind of accomplished and
, like I said, there weren't asmany resources as there are now.
But now we expect our spouse tobe our best friend, our
(25:57):
lifetime lover, somebody whochallenges us, somebody who
helps us grow, somebody weadventure with, somebody we grow
old with.
We want that intimacy to lastforever.
We want that intimacy to lastforever.
(26:27):
There's so many things that wewant from modern marriage, but
there's also so many options.
It's not about beautiful thingthat you have two different
perspectives and so there's twoways to look at it.
Right, you can be like, oh,this person is so different than
me, they always have adifferent opinion and now we
have to figure out how to likemeet in middle, which is
(26:48):
compromise versus.
Look how cool it is that wehave more perspectives, more
experience, more opinions todraw from and more ideas from
which we can come up withsomething together that's better
than either of us could havecreated on our own well, and
(27:10):
monica, you have um a podcastcalled secrets of happily ever
after, and now this new book,bad marriage advice 15 myths
that are keeping you miserable.
Speaker 3 (27:20):
Tell us where our listeners can find your book,
your podcast.
Learn more about the othergreat resources and information
you offer, and you offer so much.
Thank you for all that well.
Speaker 2 (27:30):
Thank so much.
The easiest way to find me, mypodcast and the ways to work
with me are at my website, whichis my name, monicatanercom, and
then you can get on the waitlist for the book, or actually,
by the time this airs, it willbe out.
You can find out all about thebook and how to get your hands
on a copy atbadmarriageadvicecom.
Speaker 1 (27:54):
Yeah, that's pretty great oh thank you.
Speaker 3 (27:56):
We'll add that to our show notes, Dave right, and so
people will have that easilyaccessible.
Speaker 1 (28:03):
Yeah, yeah, that's right.
And, Monica, before we wrapthings up, you may recall, right
, the questions we love to askall of our guests, the first one
being in your mind key.
What is a key or the key to astronger marriage connection?
Speaker 2 (28:19):
I would say the key to a stronger marriage
connection is consciousness andcommunication.
It's really understandingyourself and your spouse and
being able to communicate thethings that you're learning
about yourself and about eachother.
I think that creates apassionate, thriving, alive
(28:41):
relationship for all the yearsthat you're both alive is to
just really stay open, staycurious about yourself and about
your partner and be able tocommunicate those things to each
other.
Speaker 1 (29:01):
Yeah, well said, well said.
And this may be the secondquestion, maybe a repeat of what
you just mentioned, but isthere a takeaway, a take-home
message you want our listenersto remember from our discussion
today, from your book one of themyths, or anything else?
Speaker 2 (29:16):
from your book, one of the myths, or anything else.
I think just believing thathappily ever after is possible
will open up lots of differentavenues for you to get there.
So I think the idea behindmarriage is that it's a people
growing machine.
It's where you get to learn andunlearn behaviors that will
make you better, and so to justembrace the good, the bad, the
(29:37):
ugly and everything in between,just knowing that you can create
an intimate, passionate foreverafter marriage.
But the first step is tobelieve that it's possible.
Speaker 1 (29:50):
Mm-hmm yeah.
Speaker 2 (29:53):
Wow, Liz what about you, don't compromise.
Speaker 3 (29:56):
Don't compromise.
That is my takeaway, dave Don'tcompromise.
I love this whole element ofhope, monica, that you bring to
the table you did it last timeand bring it again today about
the collaboration, thecooperation and being curious.
Never stop being curious, aboutself and about partner, I think
that's just so beautiful.
(30:16):
And the possibilities that youcan create, and the
possibilities are really endless.
Yes, yeah, thank you for thatmessage, dave.
What's your greatest takeaway,my friend, from our interview
today with Monica Tanner?
Speaker 1 (30:28):
Yeah, I love this discussion, can't wait to get a
hold of the book.
I've loved this discussion,can't wait to get a hold of the
book.
I'm a big fan.
Yeah, just getting all theresources we can to improve our
marriages, our lives.
I think it probably goes backto just getting out of these
learned habits, especially earlyon.
I know some of our listeners arein the first few years of
(30:49):
marriage.
Few years of marriage, even ifyou're not being consciously
aware, like pausing and say,okay, what are kind of my.
When someone says something, myspouse or partner says
something, I tend to react orget very defensive inside.
Instead of that pause, yeah, Iget curious.
Instead of reacting, I choose aresponse that I learned through
(31:11):
these habits whether we grew upwith that way and our parents
are nuclear reactors.
That's what we've seen modeled.
We can do things differently.
It does take work.
And probably another takeaway isI love what you said about
newlyweds Early on, find a coach, a counselor, someone you can
turn to.
I think the walls are comingdown, the stigma walls of oh,
(31:36):
therapists are only if you're atthe very end and you're a
last-ditch effort, but man helpalong the entire way.
There's mentors and coaches andsports and everything else.
I'm a big fan of findingsomeone that you can turn to in
times of need, when you needhelp.
So great reminders, greatinformation, great nuggets,
(31:56):
things to think about that Ihaven't thought about, monica.
So thanks again.
Thanks for making time to comeon and share with us today.
Speaker 2 (32:03):
Yeah, my pleasure Anytime.
Speaker 1 (32:07):
Well, friends, that does it for us.
We will see you next time onthe Stronger Marriage Connection
podcast.
Speaker 3 (32:14):
That's right, and remember it's the small things
that create a stronger marriageconnection.
Take good care of you and eachother.
See you soon.
Speaker 1 (32:25):
Thanks for joining us today.
Hey, do us a favor and take asecond to subscribe to our
podcast and the Utah MarriageCommission YouTube channel at
Utah Marriage Commission, whereyou can watch this and every
episode of the show.
Be sure to smash the likebutton, leave a comment and
share this episode with a friend.
You can also follow andinteract with us on Instagram at
(32:46):
Stronger Marriage Life, andFacebook at Stronger Marriage,
so be sure to share with uswhich topics you loved or which
guests we should have on theshow.
Next, if you want even moreresources to improve your
marriage or relationshipconnection, visit
StrongerMarriageorg, whereyou'll find free workshops,
e-courses, in-depth webinars,relationship surveys and more.
(33:07):
Each episode of StrongerMarriage Connection is hosted
and sponsored by the UtahMarriage Commission at Utah
State University.
And finally, a big thanks toour producer, rex Polanis, and
the team at Utah StateUniversity and you, our audience
.
You make this show possible.
The opinions, findings,conclusions and recommendations
expressed in this podcast do notnecessarily reflect the views
(33:30):
of the Utah Marriage Commission.
We've all given or received marriage advice at some
point.
But what if some of thatwell-meaning wisdom is actually
doing more harm than good?
On today's episode, liz and Iare thrilled to welcome back
relationship coach, podcasterand author Monica Tanner.
She's here to share insightsfrom her brand new book Bad
Marriage Advice, where sheunpacks popular but problematic
(00:26):
tips like don't sweat the smallstuff and happy wife, happy life
, and offers smarteralternatives instead.
Monica Tanner is a relationshipcoach and host of the Secrets
of Happily Ever After podcast.
She's on a mission to lower thedivorce rate and boost marital
satisfaction through practicaltools for communication,
(00:51):
connection, conflict resolutionand commitment.
Her programs, podcasts andvibrant online community have
helped thousands of couplesditch resentment and roommate
syndrome and reclaim theirhappily ever after.
We hope you enjoy the show.
Hey friends, welcome to anotherepisode of the Stronger Marriage
Connection podcast.
I'm Dr Dave here at USU,alongside Dr Liz Hill, our
(01:17):
therapist, and we're aiming tobring you the very best that we
have in research and resourcesand tips and tools to help you
create the marriage of yourdreams.
Okay, liz, as you know, oursecond daughter was married back
in April.
I was talking with her not longago about some marriage tips
Everyone loves to offernewlyweds especially oh, I do
this or do that, or make sureyou don't do this.
(01:37):
And she received from peopleand it was all over the place,
honestly this advice.
It sure seems like people arestill stuck in ways of thinking
that lead to just plain badmarriage advice.
Well, our guest is back, bypopular demand and she's written
a book.
I love the title oh, badMarriage Advice 15 Myths that
(02:01):
Are Keeping you Miserable.
Welcome back to the show,monica Tanner.
Speaker 2 (02:05):
Thank you so much for having me.
I'm so excited to be with youguys, today Good to have you
back, Monica.
Speaker 3 (02:10):
Thank you yeah.
Speaker 1 (02:11):
Thrilled to have you back.
I'm curious.
Let's jump right in, monica.
What's the story?
Can you give us a little bit ofbackground story to your new
book Bad?
Speaker 2 (02:24):
Marriage Advice.
I'm eager to hear how it allcame about.
Yeah, so it was really crazy.
So my son returned home from hismission and very shortly
thereafter announced that hewanted to marry this girl, and
my husband and I were superexcited about it.
We met her and no red flags oranything like that.
We were very excited, exceptfor the fact that they were both
very young, and so I thought,wow, they are going to get so
(02:47):
much marriage advice, but whatcould I give them from my heart
in 23 years of marriage and alsoworking with couples?
So I sat down to write kind ofa letter to them for their
wedding and it turned into abook and really it was about me
combating so much of the badmarriage advice that not only my
(03:09):
husband and I received when wefirst got married, but also
working with couples who arevery attached to certain ideas
that I can see is wreaking havoc, so things that we've had to
unwind in their minds and workwith, so things that we've had
to kind of unwind in their mindsand work with.
I wanted to kind of set them ona firm foundation of just solid
(03:30):
principles that were going tohelp them succeed in their
marriage, and so that's how BadMarriage Advice was born.
Speaker 1 (03:38):
I love it.
Yeah, I love the title and yes,you're right, that must be one
long letter.
He's probably like mom, are youserious?
But amazing, I mean, you turnthis into a book, man.
I'm telling you it is so needed, so I can't wait to dive in and
learn more.
Speaker 3 (03:56):
Yeah, you and me both .
What a gift, what a gift togive your son and
daughter-in-law.
Speaker 2 (04:03):
So they've been married now how long They've
been married a little over amonth and I feel like I set a
pretty powerful precedencebecause I still have three more
children who get married.
I'm like, well, I hope I havethree more books, yeah.
Speaker 3 (04:15):
Just keep adding to them, because this has got to be
a winner.
I can't wait to get my hands onit.
Quite honestly, what's some ofthe worst marriage advice that
keeps us stuck, monica?
What have you heard through theyears?
I'm sure you've kept track, andwhat are some of those zingers
that you think, oh boy, we gotto put an end to this one.
Speaker 2 (04:32):
It's interesting because you'll recognize there's
a lot of cliches.
When I pulled my audience and Iwas like what's the worst
marriage advice you got?
And so many people said happywife, happy life.
Because that's still such acliche that you are all.
I see it all over social media.
You've got the guy walkingaround with the microphone and
(04:52):
he's interviewing couples andhe'll stop them on the street
and they're like she's the boss,she wears the pants.
If she's happy, we're all happy, all in the.
It's like I sometimes cringeand I'm like I wonder if that
guy really believes that if theyreally operate like that,
because it sounds really good,it's really romantic, like, oh,
(05:15):
how sweet, he's always thinkingabout her feelings.
Speaker 3 (05:17):
But what a terrible precedence to set that we only
care about one partner'shappiness precedence to set that
we only care about onepartner's happiness, because
I've been known to kind of thinkalong those lines, but not so
much that the husband'shappiness is not important,
right.
But it just seems, like men ingeneral, they really.
(05:38):
It's like a woman's happinessis really imperative to them,
right, they really want to beher hero.
So, oh gosh, sometimes there'sanother way or another meaning,
but I nonetheless, I really getwhat you're saying.
Speaker 2 (05:52):
Yeah, because a good man does worry about his wife's
happiness, right, and that isimportant.
However, there's two sides ofthis One.
You know, that's a lot ofresponsibility for a woman to be
in charge of the emotionalatmosphere of the marriage.
So if she's not happy, wellthen nobody's happy.
It's like we got to keep Mom'scrazy.
(06:18):
So as long as we keep her happy, everything else is going to be
okay.
So there's the negativeconnotation there for the wife,
the happy wife, but also for thehusband who's like constantly
just working around his wife'shappiness, revolving around her
happiness.
Eventually, like once he's notgetting his needs met as well,
(06:39):
he's going to disengage, he'sgoing to withdraw, he's going to
be like it doesn't matter whatI want, we always do what she
wants, right.
Another really important aspectof why this advice is just a
recipe for disaster is this ideathat if he's not communicating,
it engenders lazy communication.
(07:01):
Because if he doesn't have tothink about his wants and needs,
if he doesn't have theopportunity to express them
because he's constantly justworried about hers, then he's
not getting what he needs, he'snot getting what he wants and
eventually that's going to fallapart.
Okay, good point.
I got it.
Speaker 3 (07:21):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (07:21):
So I like to replace that with happy spouse, happy
house.
We care about both partners andtheir happiness and we want to
make sure that thatcommunication, where both of us
are stepping up to the plate,showing up and making our needs
and wants, heard.
Speaker 3 (07:38):
Yeah, that's clever.
That is clever, thank you forthat?
Speaker 1 (07:43):
Yeah, yes, love that.
Actually, monica, tell me abouttoxic advice.
What is it that you see oldercouples struggling with in your
practice?
Is it similar things or is itdifferent?
Speaker 2 (07:56):
I think, especially a lot of times I work with
couples who ascribe to thisadvice that divorce is not an
option, and that can be really,really toxic, in that it keeps
couples from really working tomake adjustments, to make
(08:21):
themselves pleasing to theirpartner, to really grow into the
relationship and to keep onputting into the relationship
Not only that, but kind of likethe happy wife, happy life,
stepping up to the plate and notstanding up for themselves,
being able to say these are mywants, these are my needs, these
(08:41):
are my preferences.
How can we get more of what weboth want out of this
relationship?
Because this idea that divorceis not an option kind of you're
kind of stuck with me so I don'treally have to try, or I'm not
going to get what I want herebecause there's no out.
(09:02):
We made a commitment, however,many years ago, and so what
happens is I see a lot ofcouples who they've raised their
children and now they're at acrossroads.
They're like we don't have muchof a relationship.
We kind of we didn't connectvery well.
We kind of built our familyaround our kids.
Now our kids are leaving.
We don't have very much left.
(09:23):
So do we try and make this agood scenario for both of us?
Or do we just kind of lay downand live out the rest of our
lives, or do we consider movingon?
And so a lot of the couplesthat come to me.
They haven't really cared fortheir relationship.
They did more of building theirfamily around their children
(09:45):
and their wants and needs, andnow they're left in a precarious
situation where they're notsure how to move forward.
Speaker 3 (09:57):
Let's talk next to Bell.
Let's talk about compromise.
Yeah, you say you're not a fan.
Why is compromise sodestructive to a healthy
marriage and what do you suggestis the alternative?
Speaker 2 (10:07):
Yeah.
So that's another one.
When you ask couples like oldercouples who have been together
for a really long time, they'llsay well, you just have to learn
to compromise.
And when I hear that word, Ithink of I give, you give, we
take turns giving.
Nobody actually gets what theywant.
Here we have to sacrifice somuch, especially when I think
(10:29):
about women who have sacrificedtheir dreams for the
relationship, or the man who hassubscribed to that idea of
happy wife, happy life.
They've compromised so much oftheir own needs to keep their
wife happy and it's reallyunfortunate, but I do think that
(10:52):
it's well-meaning advice.
And back in the day, when wedidn't have so many options,
maybe compromise was necessary.
But we have so many options now.
There are so many resources forcouples to go to.
When it comes to how to live,how to work, there's so many
different.
(11:12):
I mean, we can do all of ourwork online now.
How to educate the kids theseare big topics that couples
usually compromise on.
But because there are so manyresources and options and
there's not just one right wayto do things, there's no reason
to ever compromise.
What happens when we compromiseis it again allows for this
(11:38):
lazy communication.
It's like all right, well, I'llgive this, I'll give a little,
you'll give a little, we'll meetin the middle and really
neither of us gets exactly whatwe want versus what I like to
call collaboration.
This requires some curiosity.
So when you find yourselveshaving two different opinions,
(12:02):
if you will stop and get curiouswhy do I feel so strongly about
my position on this issue?
And then get curious about yourpartner.
I wonder why they feel sostrongly about their position.
What is so important to themand what feels very important to
me?
And then, if you communicateabout those things, there's
(12:24):
really no reason why, once youhave a better understanding of
your partner and yourself, likewhat are my reservations about
my partner's position as welland what are their reservations
about my position?
Once you're armed with all ofthat knowledge, then you can go
to, like, let's say, ChatGPT orYouTube, and be like what are
(12:47):
all of the options that areavailable with keeping these
things in mind, these corethings that are really important
to me and really important tomy spouse, and how can we come
up with a collaboration and acooperation that both of us feel
really good about?
So compromise is kind of out.
That's kind of like the old wayof doing things.
(13:08):
Collaboration is what's in now.
I like it.
Speaker 3 (13:12):
I love it actually.
Speaker 1 (13:14):
Yeah, that is good.
I know I'm jotting notes downhere.
This is good stuff youmentioned about getting.
I love the C's right Compromiseto collaboration, cooperation
and getting curious as well.
It's just that whole idea ofpausing.
It feels like in recent years,instead of being I call it a
nuclear reactor just reacting,it's this first responder slow
(13:34):
down, get curious, assess thesituation and then purposely
respond rather than react.
Speaker 2 (13:42):
Yeah, that's so good.
Speaker 1 (13:43):
I love that, monica.
I mentioned earlier ourdaughter, one of our daughters.
We're going to actually begrandparents next month.
Yeah, with our oldest daughter.
Speaker 2 (13:52):
Oh, that's so exciting.
Speaker 1 (13:53):
Grandparents for the first time.
She got married in April andfor her and others, do you have
some go-to advice for newlyweds?
Speaker 2 (14:05):
Yes, and I feel so strongly about this and the more
I've gotten into this newlywedspace and I've watched my own
baby get married where I'm justlike oh my goodness for newlywed
couples is to get in with areally good coach or counselor
(14:33):
and just have a few sessionswhere you really think about and
talk about the differentdynamics, your different
experiences, how to talk aboutand share about the different
experiences you've had in yourlife, especially around some of
those sensitive topics like sexand money and how to raise kids
and how many kids you want.
Figure out what your dynamicslook like, kind of do an
(14:57):
assessment has there been anytrauma?
Are there going to be any bigchallenges that are easy to spot
from here?
And then get some really goodconflict resolution, repair
skills, communication skills, sothat when you do bump up
against those issues, you cantalk about them without the
(15:17):
communication breaking down.
And then not only that, butonce you've established before
there's a problem, you'veestablished with somebody that
you trust, that now knows therelationship, you can go back.
So there's a statistic that saysthat couples wait six years in
a miserable circumstance beforethey seek help.
(15:40):
Now, really, what are the oddsthat someone's going to be able
to go six years into theproblematic dynamic and unwind
all of that.
But now you have a new couplethat's already established with
somebody they trust.
They're familiar with theindividuals and their dynamics
and now, when they do come upwith an issue like where should
(16:03):
we move, how do we educate thekids?
We're really struggling withmoney, or whatever the issue is,
they can go to this person whoalready has like a really clear
vision of that relationship andquickly work through their
problems prevention, preventionit's like an insurance policy
(16:26):
that you don't have to pay intoall the time.
Right, you just set it up in thebeginning of the marriage and
then it's like an insurancepolicy that you don't have to
pay into all the time.
Right, you just set it up inthe beginning of the marriage
and then it's there when youneed it oh so smart yeah,
getting that support right, yeah, can we just there?
Speaker 3 (16:40):
just isn't enough because we have blind spots.
We can't really see straighteither, you know, so I like that
.
Then, of course, if somebodyretires, right, you have to
start over, but nonetheless dostart over.
If you have to, right, alwayshave that supportive person in
your back pocket.
Speaker 2 (16:55):
It's great advice, yeah, and I just think like
there's so much strength inknowing when to ask for help.
You know, couples all the timewill say how do I know when we
need help?
And I'm like, well, it's whenyou can't do it on your own
right, when you're keep havingthe same argument over and over
and over again, when you feel sodisconnected, when you're not
able to work it out on your own,why not go to somebody who's
(17:21):
trained to be able to help you,look at these dynamics from a
neutral perspective and give youthe skills to work through that
?
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (17:32):
We'll be right back after this brief message.
And we're back, let's diveright in.
Speaker 3 (17:49):
In your book, monica.
We're curious which of the 15myths do you think couples find
or believe most strongly, andwhy do you think it has that
kind of staying power?
Speaker 2 (18:01):
I mean, there's so many, it would be so hard to
pick just one.
But I really like the clichethat I hear all the time is
don't sweat the small stuff.
And again, I think it's verywell-meaning advice.
Right, you've got this brandnew couple.
They're so in love they can'timagine anything ever going
wrong.
And then you have this older,established couple that's like
(18:23):
hey, don't sweat the small stuff.
If he leaves the toilet seat upor don't bring it up, it's not
a big deal, just push it down,don't sweat the small stuff.
And I cringe because I'm likewhere do you think the big stuff
comes from?
It comes from the small stuff.
So do we want to deal with itas a seed or do we want to deal
(18:44):
with it as a weed?
So important, let's talk aboutthe small stuff, but let's get
some skills to be able toaddress the small stuff in
productive ways, where yourspouse isn't going to get
defensive or feel criticized oryou know what I'm saying.
So let's learn the skills todeal with the small stuff, or
sweat the small stuff when it'sstill small.
Speaker 1 (19:09):
Yeah, yeah, that's why I knew, dave.
Speaker 3 (19:10):
You know, before we had monica on, I knew that I was
going to hear some of thesemyths, this damaging advice that
I was guilty of.
I knew I would hear it.
I just knew it.
I know what I mean when I sayit.
Right, but then to hear monicaexplain, it's like, oh well,
yeah, of course you're right,that's not what I meant, so
thank you for that perspective.
Speaker 1 (19:27):
Yeah, this is very insightful for sure, monica.
Monica, I'm curious how do youhelp couples, I guess, unlearn
these deeply ingrained beliefsabout marriage?
What does that process looklike in relationship coaching?
Speaker 2 (19:43):
Yeah, this is such a great question.
My husband and I were justtalking about this.
We were talking about a familythat's very close to our hearts.
We've known them for a longtime and they're really, really
struggling.
And the reality is is that mostpeople just live most of their
lives out of their programming.
Right, they do what they sawtheir parents do, they do what
(20:06):
they learned how to do aschildren to kind of survive
their environment.
Right, they just are kind of onautopilot and they don't see a
problem with it until somebodyholds them accountable, until
they realize the impact thatit's having on either their
spouse or their children ortheir family members, friends,
until they lose their job,whatever.
(20:27):
It usually takes some sort ofevent to make somebody aware
that they're just living outtheir programming.
And so what happens is a lot oftimes I'll get one spouse who
will come to me and they'reupset with the relationship.
They want to improve it.
It's always like if only myspouse would and we could be
(20:50):
happy.
But again, where this is soimportant and where coaching is
so important is we have to showthe spouse and this sounds awful
, but we have to make the spouseuncomfortable.
So if you are uncomfortable inthe relationship, usually
nothing's changing because yourmake the spouse uncomfortable.
(21:12):
So if you are uncomfortable inthe relationship, usually
nothing's changing because yourpartner is not uncomfortable.
They don't understand even thatthere might be a problem.
So it's working with theuncomfortable partner to A ask
for what they want.
But if the spouse isn't willingto give it to them, it's about
making them uncomfortable enoughto be willing to come and work
on the relationship.
So you can spark change in arelationship.
(21:35):
Just one partner but you can'tsustain that change over time
without having both partnerscome to the table.
So it's about really bringingboth partners in and having them
both look at their programming,their impact on each other, the
dynamic or the dance with whichthey relate to one another, and
(21:56):
then changing it.
And so Dave brought up a greatpoint is that earlier when we
were talking, you don't realizewhat it is that you're doing.
You don't realize what it isthat you're doing, you're just
reacting and you're not taking abeat, seeing your impact and
then choosing your response.
So that's a lot of what we do,especially in RLT.
(22:24):
The modality that I'm trained inis we look at the couple's
dynamic or their dance, then wethink about their trauma, what
is, is their knee-jerk adaptivechild response and what is that
impact on the dynamic.
And we can go back and find out.
Typically, terry Real, mymentor, says show me the
thumbprint and I'll tell youabout the sum.
(22:45):
And that's really like seeingwhat in their programming, what
in their upbringing, set them upfor those types of responses.
And then when you show those topeople and you show them the
impact that it's having not onlyon them, their spouse, on their
(23:06):
posterity, this reaction, thisresponse that they're doing a
lot of times, that will sparkchange really quickly.
And I've seen people that areprone to aggression and abuse
change it in an instant whenthey realize the impact that
it's having on their partner andon their children.
(23:27):
So it's really, really powerful.
And then once we deal with thatadaptive child part of them, the
part of them that won't accessskills.
So what happens a lot of timein traditional therapy is a
couple will come in and they'lllearn skills, but in the moment
of triggering they're not goingto use those skills because
(23:48):
they're in that fight, flight orfreeze response, fight, flight
or flee or fawn response.
Their only concern in thatmoment is protecting themselves.
They don't want to access theskills they're not thinking
about how can I make thisrelationship better?
They're thinking about how canI protect myself right here.
(24:08):
So once you show them that,once they get better at moving
out of that initial response andinto more that initial reaction
and more into a thoughtfulresponse, then you can start
giving them really impactfulskills that they can use.
But they won't be able toaccess those skills until you
(24:31):
deal with those adaptive childparts of them that only care
about protecting themselves.
Speaker 1 (24:36):
Really, yeah, wow, that's great.
Thank you, and.
Speaker 3 (24:40):
Terry Real's program.
What does RLT stand for?
Again, it's called RelationalLife Therapy.
Relational Life, that's the one.
Okay, relational Life,relational life therapy isn't
that so cool.
Every time I talk to someonewho has this, this great insight
about years gone by, right,either childhood or something
that we're, we're struck from,right, we have that the reaction
(25:04):
um, I think, how gosh, I justdon't spend enough time really
giving um respect to past thingsthat trigger, right, that upset
us in the here and now.
So I really I always appreciatethat.
Monica, thank you for that.
What about some of thosecultural, generational
differences along these lines,these marriage myths that people
(25:25):
tend to hold on to?
And I realize we're all frommulticultural, we're all in
multicultural marriages, right?
Even if we've married someonedown the street.
Speaker 2 (25:35):
We have our differences, our families, we do
, and I think we expect a lotmore from marriage than they did
historically right, it's likebefore marriage was just about
convenience.
It was about getting the workof life kind of accomplished and
, like I said, there weren't asmany resources as there are now.
But now we expect our spouse tobe our best friend, our
(25:57):
lifetime lover, somebody whochallenges us, somebody who
helps us grow, somebody weadventure with, somebody we grow
old with.
We want that intimacy to lastforever.
We want that intimacy to lastforever.
(26:27):
There's so many things that wewant from modern marriage, but
there's also so many options.
It's not about beautiful thingthat you have two different
perspectives and so there's twoways to look at it.
Right, you can be like, oh,this person is so different than
me, they always have adifferent opinion and now we
have to figure out how to likemeet in middle, which is
(26:48):
compromise versus.
Look how cool it is that wehave more perspectives, more
experience, more opinions todraw from and more ideas from
which we can come up withsomething together that's better
than either of us could havecreated on our own well, and
(27:10):
monica, you have um a podcastcalled secrets of happily ever
after, and now this new book,bad marriage advice 15 myths
that are keeping you miserable.
Speaker 3 (27:20):
Tell us where our listeners can find your book,
your podcast.
Learn more about the othergreat resources and information
you offer, and you offer so much.
Thank you for all that well.
Speaker 2 (27:30):
Thank so much.
The easiest way to find me, mypodcast and the ways to work
with me are at my website, whichis my name, monicatanercom, and
then you can get on the waitlist for the book, or actually,
by the time this airs, it willbe out.
You can find out all about thebook and how to get your hands
on a copy atbadmarriageadvicecom.
Speaker 1 (27:54):
Yeah, that's pretty great oh thank you.
Speaker 3 (27:56):
We'll add that to our show notes, Dave right, and so
people will have that easilyaccessible.
Speaker 1 (28:03):
Yeah, yeah, that's right.
And, Monica, before we wrapthings up, you may recall, right
, the questions we love to askall of our guests, the first one
being in your mind key.
What is a key or the key to astronger marriage connection?
Speaker 2 (28:19):
I would say the key to a stronger marriage
connection is consciousness andcommunication.
It's really understandingyourself and your spouse and
being able to communicate thethings that you're learning
about yourself and about eachother.
I think that creates apassionate, thriving, alive
(28:41):
relationship for all the yearsthat you're both alive is to
just really stay open, staycurious about yourself and about
your partner and be able tocommunicate those things to each
other.
Speaker 1 (29:01):
Yeah, well said, well said.
And this may be the secondquestion, maybe a repeat of what
you just mentioned, but isthere a takeaway, a take-home
message you want our listenersto remember from our discussion
today, from your book one of themyths, or anything else?
Speaker 2 (29:16):
from your book, one of the myths, or anything else.
I think just believing thathappily ever after is possible
will open up lots of differentavenues for you to get there.
So I think the idea behindmarriage is that it's a people
growing machine.
It's where you get to learn andunlearn behaviors that will
make you better, and so to justembrace the good, the bad, the
(29:37):
ugly and everything in between,just knowing that you can create
an intimate, passionate foreverafter marriage.
But the first step is tobelieve that it's possible.
Speaker 1 (29:50):
Mm-hmm yeah.
Speaker 2 (29:53):
Wow, Liz what about you, don't compromise.
Speaker 3 (29:56):
Don't compromise.
That is my takeaway, dave Don'tcompromise.
I love this whole element ofhope, monica, that you bring to
the table you did it last timeand bring it again today about
the collaboration, thecooperation and being curious.
Never stop being curious, aboutself and about partner, I think
that's just so beautiful.
(30:16):
And the possibilities that youcan create, and the
possibilities are really endless.
Yes, yeah, thank you for thatmessage, dave.
What's your greatest takeaway,my friend, from our interview
today with Monica Tanner?
Speaker 1 (30:28):
Yeah, I love this discussion, can't wait to get a
hold of the book.
I've loved this discussion,can't wait to get a hold of the
book.
I'm a big fan.
Yeah, just getting all theresources we can to improve our
marriages, our lives.
I think it probably goes backto just getting out of these
learned habits, especially earlyon.
I know some of our listeners arein the first few years of
(30:49):
marriage.
Few years of marriage, even ifyou're not being consciously
aware, like pausing and say,okay, what are kind of my.
When someone says something, myspouse or partner says
something, I tend to react orget very defensive inside.
Instead of that pause, yeah, Iget curious.
Instead of reacting, I choose aresponse that I learned through
(31:11):
these habits whether we grew upwith that way and our parents
are nuclear reactors.
That's what we've seen modeled.
We can do things differently.
It does take work.
And probably another takeaway isI love what you said about
newlyweds Early on, find a coach, a counselor, someone you can
turn to.
I think the walls are comingdown, the stigma walls of oh,
(31:36):
therapists are only if you're atthe very end and you're a
last-ditch effort, but man helpalong the entire way.
There's mentors and coaches andsports and everything else.
I'm a big fan of findingsomeone that you can turn to in
times of need, when you needhelp.
So great reminders, greatinformation, great nuggets,
(31:56):
things to think about that Ihaven't thought about, monica.
So thanks again.
Thanks for making time to comeon and share with us today.
Speaker 2 (32:03):
Yeah, my pleasure Anytime.
Speaker 1 (32:07):
Well, friends, that does it for us.
We will see you next time onthe Stronger Marriage Connection
podcast.
Speaker 3 (32:14):
That's right, and remember it's the small things
that create a stronger marriageconnection.
Take good care of you and eachother.
See you soon.
Speaker 1 (32:25):
Thanks for joining us today.
Hey, do us a favor and take asecond to subscribe to our
podcast and the Utah MarriageCommission YouTube channel at
Utah Marriage Commission, whereyou can watch this and every
episode of the show.
Be sure to smash the likebutton, leave a comment and
share this episode with a friend.
You can also follow andinteract with us on Instagram at
(32:46):
Stronger Marriage Life, andFacebook at Stronger Marriage,
so be sure to share with uswhich topics you loved or which
guests we should have on theshow.
Next, if you want even moreresources to improve your
marriage or relationshipconnection, visit
StrongerMarriageorg, whereyou'll find free workshops,
e-courses, in-depth webinars,relationship surveys and more.
(33:07):
Each episode of StrongerMarriage Connection is hosted
and sponsored by the UtahMarriage Commission at Utah
State University.
And finally, a big thanks toour producer, rex Polanis, and
the team at Utah StateUniversity and you, our audience
.
You make this show possible.
The opinions, findings,conclusions and recommendations
expressed in this podcast do notnecessarily reflect the views
(33:30):
of the Utah Marriage Commission.
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