March 23, 2025 • 34 mins
Today on the podcast we chat with Kayla-Jane Mooney.
7 years ago Kayla’s life irrevocably changed when she found out she was pregnant and within a matter of weeks, found out her husband, Sean, had terminal cancer.
Kayla and I talk about her journey. The joy Maxwells birth brought to her and Sean. How she coped with a newborn, Sean’s treatment and, finally how she is moving forward with her life after Sean’s passing.
Kayla wants her story to be one of hope. Through an online group she met Ash. Due to similar circumstances, a friendship developed and they made the decision to help others who have gone through what they have by starting their own podcast called “Just life and lemons”.
Kayla’s positivity and spirit for living impressed me so much. It made me wonder if I could be so resilient!
Have a listen to a Kayla and Ash’s podcast. It is fabulous!
Enjoy this wonderful chat with Kayla.
Bek x
https://podcasts.apple.com/au/podcast/just-life-lemons/id1792373999
Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/tendernessnurses
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
Apodjee Production.
Speaker 2 (00:10):
Hi, my name's beck Woodbine and welcome to Tenderness for Nurses.
Speaker 3 (00:14):
I'm grateful for the person that I have the opportunity
to be.
Speaker 1 (00:19):
So I hit it and parked it for Nelly four years.
We always have free will, We always get to choose.
Speaker 2 (00:25):
We are autonomous. Hi everyone, thank you so much for
tuning in too Tenderness for Nurses. Today, I have the
beautiful Kayla who is coming to me all the way
from Whistler in Canada to chat about her journey to date.
And you have your own podcast. Do you want to
tell us a little bit about that?
Speaker 1 (00:47):
I do so.
Speaker 3 (00:48):
My friend Ash and I just launched a podcasts called
Just Life and Lemons. So was a little bit of
a passion project that was stemmed from, I guess, the
journey that the two of us had been through and
the loss and the grief that we'd faced. And here
we came together and we thought we would try and
do something positive with the lemons. And yeah, now Just
Life and Lemons has been born.
Speaker 2 (01:09):
So your journey has been tarnished with some great sadness
and some great joy. Do you want to share what
you've been through?
Speaker 1 (01:20):
Sure?
Speaker 3 (01:20):
So I guess it all started back my partner and I,
Sean had just returned back from a trip overseas.
Speaker 1 (01:28):
He just turned thirty. We did the trip of a
lifetime to South Africa.
Speaker 3 (01:32):
We did the Safari and we came back and it
was quite a funny story to start with. I was like,
I've got this holiday bloat. I was like, how much
weight have you put on from this holiday? And he goes,
I don't know, like five hundred grands and I was like, okay,
something's not right here. I was like, I put on
five kilos and for me five kilos was a lot.
I never fluctuated weight. And I said to him, Okay,
(01:55):
something's wrong, something's not right. We went grocery shopping and
I was like, I'm just going to buy a pregnancy test.
Speaker 1 (02:00):
He's like, what are you talking about, Like, don't buy
one of those. So I did.
Speaker 3 (02:04):
I bought one, brought at home, showed it to him,
and I just remember him closing his laptop lid and
he's like, this is a joke, Like you're kidding, and
I was like, I'm not kidding, and he was just
such a serious one. He did not believe me. He
went to the back to the shops and bought another
pack of like six tests, came home, made me pee
on six tests and I was like, see positive, positive, positive,
(02:25):
and he's like, okay, but don't get your hopes up yet.
Speaker 1 (02:28):
You don't know.
Speaker 3 (02:29):
We went to the doctors and they were like, yes, Kaylie,
you're pregnant. There is no doubt about it. You don't
get that many false positives. So yeah, we went to
the hospital. We found out we were pregnant. We were
three months along already. I had no idea whatsoever.
Speaker 1 (02:42):
So it was great.
Speaker 3 (02:43):
We were at the point where we could tell everybody.
So we shared this great news. And then a few
weeks later, Sean had been suffering with pain in his
rib right under the rib cage, which was a bit peculiar,
and it had been there for a couple of weeks,
and you know, typical males, no, no, no.
Speaker 1 (03:00):
I'm fine, I'm fine.
Speaker 3 (03:02):
And I said, nope, go to the doctor, just go
get checked out. So he went one day after work
and the doctor kind of said to him, oh, no,
you've you've probably just pulled something at the gym.
Speaker 1 (03:12):
Either that or you've got cancer.
Speaker 2 (03:14):
Hah.
Speaker 3 (03:15):
You know, he's like, go home, take neurophan and you know,
neuropin fixes everything. And he came home and told me
and I was like, okay, like interesting, and I think
since that you learn that, you know, some people give
you these diagnoses and people just go with it, you know,
they run with it and they're like, oh yeah, cool,
the doctor doesn't fine, no problem. Anyway, the pain didn't
(03:35):
go away.
Speaker 1 (03:36):
We were another.
Speaker 3 (03:37):
Weekend and I said, you need to go back, and
you need to tell him it's not going and it
kind of got worse and better and worse and better,
but it was constantly there. So he went back and
he was a bit more forceful this time. He's like, nope,
something's wrong. I know my body. And they sent him
to the hospital to have CT scans and we got
(03:57):
a phone call.
Speaker 1 (03:57):
It probably seven o'clock one night.
Speaker 3 (04:00):
And when you get a phone call that late from
a doctor, you know that something's not good.
Speaker 1 (04:04):
It's not it's not good news.
Speaker 3 (04:06):
And I just remember him being out on the balcony
and he came back in and he just looked white
as a sheep, and I was like, what's wrong and
he goes, they think I have cancer, and like we
were just shocked. We were just stunned. I was like,
what do you mean cancer? And they're like, the pain
is tumors. There's tumors growing inside of me. And I
was like, what, you know, you don't expect a thirty
(04:28):
year old to have cancer.
Speaker 1 (04:30):
You know, it's just not heard of.
Speaker 3 (04:32):
So we were a bit shocked. We didn't really know
what it was. We didn't really know anything. You know,
you try not to sit on Google and google all
the symptoms, and I guess the next kind of day,
we went straight to the hospital and he spent ten
days there and was getting tests and biopsies, and yeah,
ten days later, they diagnosed him with appendix cancer.
Speaker 2 (04:51):
You know what I mean. I'm a nurse. I've never
heard of appendix cancer.
Speaker 3 (04:56):
Me neither mean neither. And I was like, what is
appendix cancer? Does that mean you have appendicitis?
Speaker 1 (05:01):
Like? What God has happened? You know?
Speaker 3 (05:03):
And they basically were like, you don't really know you
have appendix cancer early. It's only when it's too late
and it's progressed and it's you know, it's impacted your
entire body. Is when you really find out you have
appendix cancer unless you are, you know, proactively getting CT
scans every year and which no thirty year old does.
So he had appendix cancer. So then there he started chemo.
(05:27):
The plan was that he would go on zelox chemo.
They want to do a few rounds of that to
try and shrink the massive tumor that was inside of him.
It had spread throughout his entire abdominal cavity, so it
was basically everywhere. So that was the plan, and we know,
we went to our maternity appointments and then straight to
chemo and it was just a wild, wild time looking back,
(05:49):
you know, there's not a lot of thirty year old
couples that are learning how to change nappies and swaddle
a baby and then off.
Speaker 1 (05:56):
We go, you know, a day later to chemo.
Speaker 2 (05:58):
So how many months pregnant were you?
Speaker 1 (06:01):
I was three months pregnant.
Speaker 3 (06:03):
We just found out and Shauan was diagnos was pretty
much in the same month. So it was it was
a lot. You know, we had this beautiful, little happy
bubble that just burst, So it was a lot to digest.
But I think it's such a blessing looking back because
we had this beautiful little baby on the way to
kind of keep us focused and keep us positive.
Speaker 1 (06:21):
And it was a really beautiful distraction.
Speaker 3 (06:26):
So yeah, Sean started chemo and he did his few
rounds of chemo, and you know, we experienced the side
effects and we adjusted to that, and then it was
kind of just before Christmas in December, early December, we
went back for his usual check in and the doctor
turned around and was like, okay, we've canceled your surgery.
Speaker 1 (06:48):
And she was like, what do you mean you've canceled surgery.
Speaker 3 (06:51):
The plan was that, you know, they would try and
shrink the mass and then they would go in and
do his operation to remove it. And they like, this
chemo is not responding and that's it. And we were like, okay,
that's it. And they were like that's it, you know,
like we can't do anymore for you. We'll do chemo
and hope that it may be it shrinks, but that's
(07:11):
kind of the end of the story.
Speaker 1 (07:13):
And that really wasn't the end of the story for us.
Speaker 3 (07:15):
We were like, well, what do you mean you know,
there has to be another option, and they were like, oh,
we can look for some you know, trials for you
and clinical trials here, but you know, we don't really
think you're going to fit any of them. So that's
kind of it. And it was just like a stab
in the guts. You know, you think you've got a
plan and then they just ripped that away from you.
(07:35):
And we're like, okay, well there has to be a
plan b what now?
Speaker 1 (07:40):
So we, you know, got back on Google and we're googling.
Speaker 3 (07:44):
What to do, like help, you know, and we came
across this professor down in Sydney, Professor Morris, and he
takes on patients who are a little bit of too
hard basket. He takes a chance on these patients. And
we reached out to him, to his office, and they
emailed back pretty fast, and we're like, okay, send us
your scans, send us your X rays, your CT scans,
(08:05):
your blood tests, you name it, send it.
Speaker 1 (08:07):
We'll have a look.
Speaker 3 (08:08):
So we sent everything through to them and they basically
called Sean and they said, look, you need to come
down and meet us. So we went down to Sydney
to meet this doctor and his medical team and he
basically looked at Sean's scans and we're like, we'll.
Speaker 1 (08:23):
Give it a go.
Speaker 3 (08:23):
And we were sitting in front of him, pleading and
pleading and pleading a case. And I think it was
you know, some part of me thinks it was because
I was pregnant with this little baby, you know, that
they were like, Okay, we'll give it a shot, you know.
And then Max came along, and before we knew it,
it was January. We were packing up and we had
this little newborn two months old baby, and we were
(08:45):
moving to Sydney, and Maxwell, our son, moved in, and
I moved into a cancer care house, Bosina House down
in Sydney, and the next thing, Sean was in for surgery.
So we had the mother of all surgeries. It takes
twelve hours and basically then they flushed him through with
hot chemo, the high pet chemo, and it was major,
(09:06):
you know, and they tell us all the risks and
what can go wrong.
Speaker 1 (09:08):
And we kind of accepted it because it was our
only chance.
Speaker 3 (09:13):
I guess, if it was the only shot, he had
to kind of overcome it, and you know, he was
so brave. He just I've got this video of him
and Max sitting on his lap and he's explaining the
surgery to Max and he's like, then they cut you
open here and then they take this out here and again,
like such a bittersweet thing having a little newborn baby
with us during that time. You know, that's not how
(09:34):
you expect to bring a baby into the world. But
I just can't even imagine what it would have been
like for Sean and for me without Max there.
Speaker 1 (09:43):
So, yeah, Sean had surgery.
Speaker 3 (09:46):
I got a phone call about an hour in saying, Yep,
we're going to give it a go.
Speaker 1 (09:50):
There's a lot of cancer here, but we'll try our best.
We'll call you when we're finished.
Speaker 3 (09:55):
And you know, like I said, twelve hours later, I
get the phone call and they're like, we're done. He's
in ICU. Give us an hour and you can come
and see him. They're like, just be prepared when you
see him.
Speaker 1 (10:07):
It's not pleasant. There's drains coming out of every angle.
Speaker 3 (10:11):
He looks like he's been through the walls basically, And
so we did. We went in and saw him, and
it was early hours of the morning, and yeah, I
don't think anything can really prepare you for seeing somebody
in that state.
Speaker 2 (10:26):
It's very confronting, isn't it.
Speaker 1 (10:28):
Yeah, it was. It was a lot to deal with.
Speaker 3 (10:30):
And we saw him, and I guess the plan was
then to keep him in an induced coma for three days.
They wanted him his body just to recover a little
bit and then they would wake him up.
Speaker 1 (10:39):
So it was like the longest three days of your life.
You know. You go in, you're talking to him.
Speaker 3 (10:43):
And you're seeing all these tubes in the Yeah, it
was literally like he'd been through a war zone. And
then three days later they woke him up, and you know,
I just remember the first thing he said to me
was hi, And I was like, Hi, is that it?
Like I've been through three days of hell and you're
telling me hi. You know, they were pretty happy. They
(11:04):
were like, the surgery's gone really well. We've removed as
much of the cancer as we can. There's not a
lot left anything that he's left his minor and it
should be able to be removed through chemo. So the
whole thing was just a success and we were happy.
And yeah, we were kind of a little bit shocked.
You're like, okay, all good, Like your whole anatomy is
now changed. But that's okay, we'll manage this and we'll
(11:26):
get through it. And it was good news. And then
he was just about to go into the general wad
a few days later when he goes Kayla, something's not right.
He goes, I have pain in my chest and I
was like, okay, like I'll get the doctor and I
got the doctrine. He goes, no, no, no, like Sean's whole
anatomy's move. This is just him his body. And Sean's like, no,
(11:48):
something is not right, like that got pain around my
heart and.
Speaker 1 (11:54):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (11:54):
Very quickly, he basically couldn't take the pain anymore, and
they raced him in to go and get an X ray,
and they basically found he had a pericardal effusion and
he had fluid now around him his heart, which was
a side effect of this surgery that no one could
ever predict happening. It was something that wasn't even on
the list of all the things that could possibly go wrong.
(12:15):
So they basically were like, we have to go and
try and drain this. If we can't drain it, we
have to take him in. He has to have open
heart surgery. And they sat us down and him, myself
and his family, and they were like, Sean's not going
to recover from this. He's like, there is no person
who can go through this mother of all surgery to
then have an open heart surgery when he is so
(12:35):
weak and we were just like, I guess gobsmacked is
the word.
Speaker 1 (12:40):
We were just like, well, what do you mean.
Speaker 3 (12:41):
You know, he's just been to all this for now
this to go wrong, and it at the time you
just can't quite comprehend it, and you just waiting for
a miracle. Anyway, So they prepped him for surgery and
he went in and I guess that's where it all
went terribly wrong. You know, he had the surgery, they
removed the liquid. They were still monitoring it because it
wasn't quite what they wanted it to be. And he
(13:06):
was in a coma for close to a month. And
it was the worst time of my life. You know,
I'm watching him completely fade away. He can't eat, he
can't drink, he's got a feeding tube. I could just
see the weight around his face just disappear, and yeah,
and he's just fading fast. I mean, thirty days of
no food, laying in a hospital bed, and I would
(13:28):
visit him in between feeding Max and looking back on
it now, it's just it's unbelievable.
Speaker 1 (13:34):
And every day I'd go in there in the morning
like can we wake him up?
Speaker 3 (13:37):
Can we wake him up? And they're like, no, we
can't wake him up. He's not ready. He's not ready,
and I was just getting so frustrated. I was like,
but I can see he needs to wake up now.
Otherwise he's just going to be, you know, literally skin
and bones when he wakes up. And they wouldn't and
they kept going, and yeah, month later they decided that
they would wake him up, and yeah, I guess that's
(13:59):
when our whole life really started from the beginning again,
you know. And they gave him a bottle of water,
a bigger, like two liter bottle, and they're like, this
is your arm weight. This is all you have to
do physio with. And you know, he was a strong guy.
He went to the gym who exercised. He was fit
and he was healthy. And now he's doing weights with
a bottle of water. And you know, he had to start.
(14:19):
He had to see nutritionists and you name it. He
had to basically start again. And it was quite the journey.
And we obviously had that to deal with and our
newborn baby. And yeah, so we lived in Sydney for
a month after his surgery and he did rehab and
you know, he got used to his medication he was taking.
(14:42):
He started taking oral chemo again, and yeah, there was
a lot of medication.
Speaker 2 (14:49):
Taylor, how were you feeling at that stage other than yes,
you were concerned about Sean, but you just had a baby.
Speaker 1 (14:59):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (15:00):
I honestly, I think for me, I felt almost like
I didn't have any reason to be sad or really
thinking about myself because it was like, Okay, I have
Sean to look after and I have Max to look after,
and I just need to be that strong unit for
both of them. And yeah, I was just more like, Okay,
well what can I do for each of these people
(15:21):
who need me right now? I need to get Sean
back on his feet so he can help me. I
don't know, it was just such a blur, like I
look back now and it was I don't even remember it.
I feel like it just happened, and you're on this
like high of adrenaline almost where you you're.
Speaker 1 (15:37):
Just living in autopilot. You don't really know what you're doing.
Speaker 2 (15:40):
Did you have family with you at that stage?
Speaker 1 (15:43):
Yeah, we did.
Speaker 3 (15:44):
We had both his and my family come and go
that whole month that we were down there, and they
were a great support system for both of us.
Speaker 2 (15:53):
And did the hospital or the doctors you were dealing
with recommend that you know, maybe you have a chat
with someone, or did you just rely on family and
friends to download how you feel, or you didn't even
think about that. You just wanted to be with Sean
or with Max and you could wait.
Speaker 1 (16:11):
Yeah, I mean I think it was more of like
I could wait.
Speaker 3 (16:14):
It was more like, I'm not going to go and
ask for help for myself, where this is not about me,
this is about Sean.
Speaker 1 (16:20):
I don't know, I've always been kind of one to
bottle it in.
Speaker 3 (16:23):
You know, I don't really show the feelings and I
don't really show the emotion, which it definitely is caught
up to me all these years later. It's been five
years now since I lost Sean, and I think it
was at the beginning of twenty twenty four that it
all just hit me.
Speaker 1 (16:37):
Like a ton of bricks.
Speaker 3 (16:38):
You know, you can only run on autopilot for so long,
you can only keep yourself so busy for so long,
and then it, yeah, you completely.
Speaker 1 (16:46):
Hit the wall.
Speaker 2 (16:47):
And what happened then?
Speaker 1 (16:49):
I think what.
Speaker 3 (16:50):
Happened then is, you know, I didn't have this complete
psychotic meltdown. It was more just I would think I
woke up one day and I was like, what am
I doing? Like, I've just filled my days and a
great days with Max. You know, we did things on
the weekend, were always out, we were always busy, like
We've got some great memories from the last few years.
But I was like, but what am I doing now?
(17:11):
You know, what is making me happy? I'm at work
full time, I'm just busy. I'm out the house all
the time. But what is filling my cup anymore? And
it was kind of like, apart from Max and our
little adventures and our time together, I'm like, nothing is.
I feel like I have no purpose anymore, no drive,
no motivation. You know, when you lose the person like
your significant other, you feel like you lose all your dreams,
(17:34):
all your goals. It's like you can't have any of
that anymore. And that's kind of what hit me. I
was like, I'm living this life and a great life.
You know, Sean and I set ourselves up for a
really good life, and we had a house and a
dog and Max, and you know, we had everything going
for us.
Speaker 1 (17:49):
But doesn't mean that you're happy.
Speaker 3 (17:51):
You know, you have everything and what seems to be
the picture perfect life on paper, but it doesn't mean
you're happy. I had this huge void in my life
that I was just trying to fill with distraction. And again,
you can only do that for so long.
Speaker 1 (18:05):
So I guess that's what really prompted the move to Canada.
You know, here we are. It was always a dream
of short and eyes to come back here.
Speaker 3 (18:12):
He lived here for quite a few years and we
always talked about going back together, and we were big
travelers and we explored the world, and we kind of
got to a point where I was like, you know what,
I can do it. Why can't I? I can still
do this. I can take MACS, I can apply for
a visa. And you know, a few people call me
crazy and that I was having a bit of a
midlife crisis, but I mean I probably am, but you know,
(18:37):
it's quite empowering. I think I hit that wall and
I recognize it very quickly that I needed to change something.
Speaker 1 (18:43):
And I was like, I love my life. I have
a great life.
Speaker 3 (18:46):
I'm not going to say I don't, but I needed
to do something because it wasn't filling those needs then and.
Speaker 2 (18:52):
There, So what are you doing over in Whistler.
Speaker 1 (18:56):
I'm working again.
Speaker 3 (18:58):
I kind of I needed to make sure the life
here was different to what I had at home, and
it certainly is. You know, we've only been here three
months and we've definitely slowed things down a lot. You know,
I'm only working part time now, I'm taking Max to school,
I'm picking him up from school every day. There's just
so much more quality time, you know. I think after
(19:18):
this whole journey, I've realized life is so short and
a nine to five, chaotic job is.
Speaker 1 (19:25):
Just not for me anymore.
Speaker 2 (19:27):
Do you have any family or supporting Canada? Like, did
you just move there? Find a place go? I'm just
going to give this a crack.
Speaker 1 (19:36):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (19:36):
I do have a few friends here who were friends
with Sean when he lived here.
Speaker 1 (19:40):
They've been amazing to help me out. But yeah, I'm
pretty alone.
Speaker 2 (19:46):
And have you joined any community groups? I mean, I'm
sure you'll meet some moms with KINDI or school whatever
Max is at now. Have you found people who have
been really open and welcoming to Canadians? Are beautiful people? Oh?
Speaker 1 (19:59):
Amazing? You know, there's I've met a.
Speaker 3 (20:01):
Lot of great mums at the school, a lot of
people at work. You know, people are so friendly here.
People be like you know, I can pick Max up
from school if you ever need. I'm like, wait, what
you know, I don't even know you, Like you're a
complete stranger. And they're like, no, no, no, Like none
of us have family here. We all you know that
we call everyone orphans here. You know, no one has family.
We're all just by themselves. So they're like, you know,
(20:22):
if you're running late, just message, I'll get Max.
Speaker 1 (20:25):
And it's been great.
Speaker 2 (20:27):
After Sean passed, was everything initially just a blur? You
just popped your head down, you know, you did what
you had to do with funeral, those sort of things.
Did you just really focus then in on yourself and
Max or you just tried to keep doing what you'd
been doing leading into everything that had happened, and just
(20:49):
try and keep life as normal as possible, because I
mean everything changed for you in a second.
Speaker 1 (20:54):
Really, yeah it did.
Speaker 3 (20:56):
And I guess when Sean died, you know, I everyone
grieves differently, and I don't really know if I grieved
the right way. But I went straight back to work
the next week. I was like, I have to go back,
I have to keep busy. I went straight into that
path of I'm going to fill every second of every day.
Speaker 1 (21:14):
Then I don't have to be sad, I don't have
to think about it.
Speaker 3 (21:17):
And so that's what I did, you know, for quite
a few years. And we had just bought our house
that we were living in, and you know, we didn't
even have furniture. So if there was a blessing, it
was the fact that Max and my new life had
really just started. So the routines weren't there yet. We
hadn't created memories in this house yet. It was kind
(21:40):
of almost like a fresh start, you know. It wasn't like, okay,
this time of the day Sean was going to come
home and having that home vision of what it looked
like when he walked through the door and when he
went to work in the morning.
Speaker 1 (21:51):
None of that had started yet in this new house.
Speaker 3 (21:53):
So in a way that was a blessing if you
want to try and find a positive in the situation.
You know, we had this beautiful house that we were
meant to live in and build a family together.
Speaker 1 (22:03):
But in a way, it was like a fresh start
for Max and I.
Speaker 3 (22:06):
So I didn't have that torture every day of Okay,
this is where Sean put his clothes, and this is
where how Sean cooked, I had no memories there, so it.
Speaker 1 (22:14):
Was completely starting again.
Speaker 3 (22:17):
And then a few months after Sean died, COVID happened,
so there was no normal for a very long time
because we obviously then went into COVID and lockdowns, and
I was still working because I was still considered an
essential worker, so it was just navigating the way of COVID,
and then I guess that's when we had to kind
of get into a normal routine after that.
Speaker 2 (22:40):
Kayler, what work do you do?
Speaker 3 (22:42):
I've always been in hotels, hotel operations, and then I
got a job in operations in real estate office.
Speaker 1 (22:47):
So yes, very busy, very all over the place.
Speaker 2 (22:51):
And that's what you've gone into over in Canada.
Speaker 1 (22:55):
No, it's not, I've changed everything.
Speaker 3 (22:58):
I now work as part of a sales team at
the conference center, so we were like a not for
profit and we try and.
Speaker 1 (23:03):
Bring big groups to Whistler and it's different.
Speaker 3 (23:06):
It's much slower pace and great people and it's a
nice change.
Speaker 2 (23:11):
On your podcast, you said you and Ash admit through
like a Facebook website group for grieving partners the widows. Yeah,
was that a huge help for you?
Speaker 3 (23:25):
I think there is a really strange comfort in connecting
yourself with people who have been through something similar. So,
if anything, it was probably that because again, you see
yourself thirty with cancer.
Speaker 1 (23:37):
Who the heck is thirty with cancer? I don't know anybody.
Speaker 3 (23:40):
And then it's like I'm this young single now mother
with a baby.
Speaker 1 (23:44):
And I'm a widow.
Speaker 3 (23:46):
You know, it's like where am I going to find
another one of those? And I joined this group while
it was quite new early days, and I think there's
now over like one hundred and fifty girls in it
around Brisbane and the Gold Coast, and it's been a
strange comfort knowing that there's other people in that same situation.
And there's definitely people in the group that you connect
with more than others. You know, there's people who are
(24:07):
grieving differently to you, and there's some people.
Speaker 1 (24:10):
You just don't connect with at all.
Speaker 3 (24:12):
But yeah, I've met some really great people through that,
and I think now like some lifelong friends that I.
Speaker 2 (24:16):
Will have forever. I think that's so wonderful. And then
your life journeys together will segue in such interesting ways
that you can share, grow help others. And I'm assuming
that's why you started the podcast.
Speaker 3 (24:33):
It is you know, I think for Ash and I
we obviously had history we worked together all those years
ago that we didn't even know about, and I think
for us, it was actually more of the connection with
the kids. You know, She's got triplets and I've got Max,
and the first time we ever met them, you know,
complete strangers. Max was like, these are my triplets, and
(24:53):
it was just that bond.
Speaker 1 (24:54):
Between the kids.
Speaker 3 (24:55):
It's like they instantly knew each other, they instantly felt connected,
and I guess for us, we were like, wow, like
these kids are going to grow up together with that
missing person.
Speaker 1 (25:04):
In their lives.
Speaker 3 (25:05):
You know, it's different, but it's the same, and I
guess there's not a lot of kids that will have
to experience that, so that was quite special. And then
I think the whole podcast was really born out of
the fact that we have been through such horrific journeys.
You know, hers and mine stories are very different, but
(25:25):
they're both journeys in their own right. And I think
for me, I said to Ashle's like, I really want
to do something with this pain and this story that
we've been through. You know, how amazing do you feel
when you actually talk to people in.
Speaker 1 (25:39):
Day to day life. And I don't go around being like, oh,
here you want to hear my story.
Speaker 3 (25:43):
But when you meet someone you and you start talking
with and you build this relationship and I always get
the question, where's Max's dad? You know, it comes out
all the time, and then eventually you do have to sit,
you know, and tell them, and it makes you.
Speaker 1 (25:56):
Feel very proud to share it.
Speaker 3 (25:58):
But it also I think really helps people because they
are like gives them a little bit of perspective, you know,
in their own lives, and they're like, Okay, hey, wow,
I thought I was having a bad week, but I'm good.
Speaker 1 (26:07):
You know, I'm really really good.
Speaker 3 (26:09):
Or you know, you've just given me a new way
of thinking about a certain situation based on what you've
been through. So it doesn't have to always connect, but
I think it can connect in some way, shape or
form to somebody else. So I remember saying to Ash
I met her only a few times, and I said, right,
I want to do something. Let's do this podcast. I've
got an idea. I'd already done like a business plan
(26:30):
for it. She's like, there is no way in this
earth I'm doing a podcast with you. Here we are,
We've done it, and it's a pretty I feel very
proud of us that we've been able to do it,
and then messages that we've already received in such a
short time of you've helped me, You've made me see
things differently. You know, our journeys are not the same.
But I'm going through this and you told me that,
(26:52):
and it feels like it's now my purpose. You know,
I said, I don't want this nine to five work
life anymore, you know, I just want to feel like
I live with some purpose.
Speaker 2 (27:02):
Isn't that a nice feeling. I feel the same way
with casting and helping people and the questions I get
asked and podcasts I've been approached to talk about. And
you know, when I started this, I remember saying to Katie,
who's both of our producer, saying, I just want to
help one person. That's it. One person, and it's grown
(27:22):
from there. I'm up to season seven. Wow, congratulations, you know,
and that will be you guys, you know, Yeah, and exciting.
It's a nice feeling to share your journey to help
other people.
Speaker 3 (27:37):
And yeah, so I guess that's why we've used the lemons,
you know, because everyone has lemons in their lives. Things
go wrong all the time. We know, small things, big things,
you name it, things go wrong. So I think the
use of the word lemon it fits all shapes and
sizes it does.
Speaker 2 (27:52):
It's actually a great name.
Speaker 1 (27:54):
Thank you.
Speaker 2 (27:55):
Will you be back in Brisbane at any stage? Do
you think I will be? You will? So you gave
yourself a timeframe and yeah.
Speaker 3 (28:04):
I mean we're on a v so we've said twelve months.
We'll give it a good crap for twelve months, and yeah,
we'll go from there. I'm trying not to think too
far in the future, because who knows what the future
has in store.
Speaker 2 (28:14):
You know, it's really interesting. I heard Elizabeth Gilbert speak
from Eat, Pray, Love, and her whole talk was about
being present, that yes, you do have to look to
the future. There are things you want to think about
in the past, but we've got to start being present.
(28:35):
And the way she talked about being present and you know, yes,
there are things you need to have in the future
to look forward to, but we're so busy thinking about
our mistakes trying to change the future, that we're forgetting
to be in the here and now. And the way
she speaks and how she is so eloquent and how
(28:56):
she puts things forward is remarkable. But it really resonated
with me because I, you know, very good at beating
myself up for things in the past and then, you know,
stress about things in the future because I own my
own business and that sort of thing. Yeah, I forget
to be in the here and now.
Speaker 3 (29:12):
Yeah, And I guess that's the sole purpose of moving
it is. You know, I'm like, let's get rid of
the distractions, let's get rid of the house, Let's get
rid of all of it, you know, and live in
the moment with Max, And we're just doing a day
at a time, and it feels good.
Speaker 2 (29:26):
I love it. I think it's fantastic. Was actually curious
as to why you were there. I thought that maybe
you had a lot of family in Canada. Although I
think things are going to get more expensive, aren't they.
Speaker 3 (29:34):
With the I wish I had family here because it's
very expensive.
Speaker 2 (29:40):
And only going to get more expensive. Unfortunately with everything
that's happening in America. Sure is not.
Speaker 3 (29:45):
Good, but no, I'm hoping it's something that Max can
look back on one day and say, wow, like I
had a cool mum.
Speaker 1 (29:50):
You know, we moved to Canada.
Speaker 3 (29:52):
I learned to snowboard, he started doing jiu jitsu, you know,
just those little things.
Speaker 2 (29:56):
How old is Max now?
Speaker 1 (29:58):
He's six now.
Speaker 2 (29:59):
Oh my goodness. And you would talk about Sean with
him every day.
Speaker 1 (30:04):
Every day, you know.
Speaker 3 (30:05):
And he's obviously very aware of that his dad is
not here, but he has his story, you know. He's like,
my daddy got sick and the doctors couldn't make him better,
and it's quite special. He says, my daddy's on the moon,
so you know, the moon follows us around wherever we are,
and he's like, oh, there's daddy. You know. We've had
some pretty remarkable views here of the mountains and the
moon and it feels quite very special.
Speaker 2 (30:28):
That's so beautiful. If you had any advice to any
young mum that's gone through what you've gone through, what
would it be.
Speaker 3 (30:39):
Probably that there's no right or wrong way of doing anything,
you know. I think you've got to just go with
the punches and feel as you need to feel along
the way, and don't beat yourself up if you haven't
felt things the way people tell you should feel, and
don't be afraid to be selfish once in a while
and put yourself first.
Speaker 1 (30:59):
Eventually.
Speaker 2 (31:02):
An interesting point is my brother and all passed away
and it's just been twelve months and he was in
his fifties last year. And it's interesting how people have
this assumption of how Jane, which is my husband's wife,
should grieve and timeframes. Yeah, And I don't know if
(31:24):
that's a real Australian thing or just something in general,
but it's like, well, got to get on with life
or yeah. And to me, grief is so personal and
such a journey. I mean, you're going to be on
this journey forever.
Speaker 3 (31:38):
I will be on this journey forever, and it's not
going to get any easier.
Speaker 1 (31:42):
It's just going to be different, you know.
Speaker 3 (31:44):
And Ash and I actually do do a podcast episode
about the stages of grief and how bullshit we think
they are because you know, the people there's this you know,
chain of events if you should feel this, then this,
then this and this, and I just personally don't agree
with them because I was like, there's some stages I
maybe haven't had yet. And it's been five years, you know,
there's some stages I just don't agree with, Like when
(32:06):
are you going to ever be accepting of the situation?
Speaker 1 (32:08):
Never?
Speaker 3 (32:09):
Never, going to accept the fact that Sean's not here
and that you know his child has no father, and
you know that we didn't get to do this and
we didn't get to do that.
Speaker 1 (32:17):
I'm never going to accept that.
Speaker 2 (32:19):
And I don't blame you because I think it's a
crocerdshit too. Personally, I think everyone grieves in their own way,
as long as it doesn't become all encompassing so that
you can't live life. Then I think you need some
help with your grief. Yeah, but you know, we are
allowed to grieve. And you know, I remember my Nan.
She lost her son in a terrible boating accident. She
(32:41):
grieved him till the day she died. And she was
in her late eighties. And it wasn't that she didn't
get on with life or she didn't live it or whatever,
but you know, she had sorrow in her heart for
losing her child, just like you do for Sean. And
that's okay.
Speaker 1 (32:59):
Yeah, And it's learning to live with that.
Speaker 3 (33:01):
And I think one of the biggest little I guess
quotes that I have and I share it with Max,
is we're learning to live with the love he left behind.
Speaker 2 (33:10):
That's nice.
Speaker 3 (33:11):
No, it's a special one, and I feel that all
the time. You know, I'm so blessed to have literally
a mini Sean. He is his father's child. To the
tea running around, you know, it's so special. And the
friends that we have, and it's like Sean and I
created that and he's left that behind.
Speaker 2 (33:26):
For us, And what an amazing gift. I think it's beautiful.
Thank you, Kaylor, thank you for chatting with me today.
I appreciate it so much. Have an amazing time in Canada.
Speaker 1 (33:38):
Thank you.
Speaker 2 (33:39):
I will get him up on those skis and we'll
have an Astralian Olympic skier.
Speaker 1 (33:45):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (33:46):
We told someone today. Someone was like, oh, so you
better at the mummy at snowboarding. He goes, yeah, I'm
way faster. He's had four like him, so he thinks
he's a professional.
Speaker 2 (33:54):
And you know what, he probably will be, because I mean,
lord knows, I was a hopeless snowboarder, but I love skiing.
Speaker 3 (34:00):
Yeah, I have no doubt about it. He's got the confidence.
So give him a few more lessons and he'll.
Speaker 1 (34:04):
Be whizzing past me.
Speaker 2 (34:05):
Oh my god, aren't they amazing those kids? I'll tell you,
thank you, Taylor. I appreciate this so much Darling, thank
you so much,
Apodjee Production.
Speaker 2 (00:10):
Hi, my name's beck Woodbine and welcome to Tenderness for Nurses.
Speaker 3 (00:14):
I'm grateful for the person that I have the opportunity
to be.
Speaker 1 (00:19):
So I hit it and parked it for Nelly four years.
We always have free will, We always get to choose.
Speaker 2 (00:25):
We are autonomous. Hi everyone, thank you so much for
tuning in too Tenderness for Nurses. Today, I have the
beautiful Kayla who is coming to me all the way
from Whistler in Canada to chat about her journey to date.
And you have your own podcast. Do you want to
tell us a little bit about that?
Speaker 1 (00:47):
I do so.
Speaker 3 (00:48):
My friend Ash and I just launched a podcasts called
Just Life and Lemons. So was a little bit of
a passion project that was stemmed from, I guess, the
journey that the two of us had been through and
the loss and the grief that we'd faced. And here
we came together and we thought we would try and
do something positive with the lemons. And yeah, now Just
Life and Lemons has been born.
Speaker 2 (01:09):
So your journey has been tarnished with some great sadness
and some great joy. Do you want to share what
you've been through?
Speaker 1 (01:20):
Sure?
Speaker 3 (01:20):
So I guess it all started back my partner and I,
Sean had just returned back from a trip overseas.
Speaker 1 (01:28):
He just turned thirty. We did the trip of a
lifetime to South Africa.
Speaker 3 (01:32):
We did the Safari and we came back and it
was quite a funny story to start with. I was like,
I've got this holiday bloat. I was like, how much
weight have you put on from this holiday? And he goes,
I don't know, like five hundred grands and I was like, okay,
something's not right here. I was like, I put on
five kilos and for me five kilos was a lot.
I never fluctuated weight. And I said to him, Okay,
(01:55):
something's wrong, something's not right. We went grocery shopping and
I was like, I'm just going to buy a pregnancy test.
Speaker 1 (02:00):
He's like, what are you talking about, Like, don't buy
one of those. So I did.
Speaker 3 (02:04):
I bought one, brought at home, showed it to him,
and I just remember him closing his laptop lid and
he's like, this is a joke, Like you're kidding, and
I was like, I'm not kidding, and he was just
such a serious one. He did not believe me. He
went to the back to the shops and bought another
pack of like six tests, came home, made me pee
on six tests and I was like, see positive, positive, positive,
(02:25):
and he's like, okay, but don't get your hopes up yet.
Speaker 1 (02:28):
You don't know.
Speaker 3 (02:29):
We went to the doctors and they were like, yes, Kaylie,
you're pregnant. There is no doubt about it. You don't
get that many false positives. So yeah, we went to
the hospital. We found out we were pregnant. We were
three months along already. I had no idea whatsoever.
Speaker 1 (02:42):
So it was great.
Speaker 3 (02:43):
We were at the point where we could tell everybody.
So we shared this great news. And then a few
weeks later, Sean had been suffering with pain in his
rib right under the rib cage, which was a bit peculiar,
and it had been there for a couple of weeks,
and you know, typical males, no, no, no.
Speaker 1 (03:00):
I'm fine, I'm fine.
Speaker 3 (03:02):
And I said, nope, go to the doctor, just go
get checked out. So he went one day after work
and the doctor kind of said to him, oh, no,
you've you've probably just pulled something at the gym.
Speaker 1 (03:12):
Either that or you've got cancer.
Speaker 2 (03:14):
Hah.
Speaker 3 (03:15):
You know, he's like, go home, take neurophan and you know,
neuropin fixes everything. And he came home and told me
and I was like, okay, like interesting, and I think
since that you learn that, you know, some people give
you these diagnoses and people just go with it, you know,
they run with it and they're like, oh yeah, cool,
the doctor doesn't fine, no problem. Anyway, the pain didn't
(03:35):
go away.
Speaker 1 (03:36):
We were another.
Speaker 3 (03:37):
Weekend and I said, you need to go back, and
you need to tell him it's not going and it
kind of got worse and better and worse and better,
but it was constantly there. So he went back and
he was a bit more forceful this time. He's like, nope,
something's wrong. I know my body. And they sent him
to the hospital to have CT scans and we got
(03:57):
a phone call.
Speaker 1 (03:57):
It probably seven o'clock one night.
Speaker 3 (04:00):
And when you get a phone call that late from
a doctor, you know that something's not good.
Speaker 1 (04:04):
It's not it's not good news.
Speaker 3 (04:06):
And I just remember him being out on the balcony
and he came back in and he just looked white
as a sheep, and I was like, what's wrong and
he goes, they think I have cancer, and like we
were just shocked. We were just stunned. I was like,
what do you mean cancer? And they're like, the pain
is tumors. There's tumors growing inside of me. And I
was like, what, you know, you don't expect a thirty
(04:28):
year old to have cancer.
Speaker 1 (04:30):
You know, it's just not heard of.
Speaker 3 (04:32):
So we were a bit shocked. We didn't really know
what it was. We didn't really know anything. You know,
you try not to sit on Google and google all
the symptoms, and I guess the next kind of day,
we went straight to the hospital and he spent ten
days there and was getting tests and biopsies, and yeah,
ten days later, they diagnosed him with appendix cancer.
Speaker 2 (04:51):
You know what I mean. I'm a nurse. I've never
heard of appendix cancer.
Speaker 3 (04:56):
Me neither mean neither. And I was like, what is
appendix cancer? Does that mean you have appendicitis?
Speaker 1 (05:01):
Like? What God has happened? You know?
Speaker 3 (05:03):
And they basically were like, you don't really know you
have appendix cancer early. It's only when it's too late
and it's progressed and it's you know, it's impacted your
entire body. Is when you really find out you have
appendix cancer unless you are, you know, proactively getting CT
scans every year and which no thirty year old does.
So he had appendix cancer. So then there he started chemo.
(05:27):
The plan was that he would go on zelox chemo.
They want to do a few rounds of that to
try and shrink the massive tumor that was inside of him.
It had spread throughout his entire abdominal cavity, so it
was basically everywhere. So that was the plan, and we know,
we went to our maternity appointments and then straight to
chemo and it was just a wild, wild time looking back,
(05:49):
you know, there's not a lot of thirty year old
couples that are learning how to change nappies and swaddle
a baby and then off.
Speaker 1 (05:56):
We go, you know, a day later to chemo.
Speaker 2 (05:58):
So how many months pregnant were you?
Speaker 1 (06:01):
I was three months pregnant.
Speaker 3 (06:03):
We just found out and Shauan was diagnos was pretty
much in the same month. So it was it was
a lot. You know, we had this beautiful, little happy
bubble that just burst, So it was a lot to digest.
But I think it's such a blessing looking back because
we had this beautiful little baby on the way to
kind of keep us focused and keep us positive.
Speaker 1 (06:21):
And it was a really beautiful distraction.
Speaker 3 (06:26):
So yeah, Sean started chemo and he did his few
rounds of chemo, and you know, we experienced the side
effects and we adjusted to that, and then it was
kind of just before Christmas in December, early December, we
went back for his usual check in and the doctor
turned around and was like, okay, we've canceled your surgery.
Speaker 1 (06:48):
And she was like, what do you mean you've canceled surgery.
Speaker 3 (06:51):
The plan was that, you know, they would try and
shrink the mass and then they would go in and
do his operation to remove it. And they like, this
chemo is not responding and that's it. And we were like, okay,
that's it. And they were like that's it, you know,
like we can't do anymore for you. We'll do chemo
and hope that it may be it shrinks, but that's
(07:11):
kind of the end of the story.
Speaker 1 (07:13):
And that really wasn't the end of the story for us.
Speaker 3 (07:15):
We were like, well, what do you mean you know,
there has to be another option, and they were like, oh,
we can look for some you know, trials for you
and clinical trials here, but you know, we don't really
think you're going to fit any of them. So that's
kind of it. And it was just like a stab
in the guts. You know, you think you've got a
plan and then they just ripped that away from you.
(07:35):
And we're like, okay, well there has to be a
plan b what now?
Speaker 1 (07:40):
So we, you know, got back on Google and we're googling.
Speaker 3 (07:44):
What to do, like help, you know, and we came
across this professor down in Sydney, Professor Morris, and he
takes on patients who are a little bit of too
hard basket. He takes a chance on these patients. And
we reached out to him, to his office, and they
emailed back pretty fast, and we're like, okay, send us
your scans, send us your X rays, your CT scans,
(08:05):
your blood tests, you name it, send it.
Speaker 1 (08:07):
We'll have a look.
Speaker 3 (08:08):
So we sent everything through to them and they basically
called Sean and they said, look, you need to come
down and meet us. So we went down to Sydney
to meet this doctor and his medical team and he
basically looked at Sean's scans and we're like, we'll.
Speaker 1 (08:23):
Give it a go.
Speaker 3 (08:23):
And we were sitting in front of him, pleading and
pleading and pleading a case. And I think it was
you know, some part of me thinks it was because
I was pregnant with this little baby, you know, that
they were like, Okay, we'll give it a shot, you know.
And then Max came along, and before we knew it,
it was January. We were packing up and we had
this little newborn two months old baby, and we were
(08:45):
moving to Sydney, and Maxwell, our son, moved in, and
I moved into a cancer care house, Bosina House down
in Sydney, and the next thing, Sean was in for surgery.
So we had the mother of all surgeries. It takes
twelve hours and basically then they flushed him through with
hot chemo, the high pet chemo, and it was major,
(09:06):
you know, and they tell us all the risks and
what can go wrong.
Speaker 1 (09:08):
And we kind of accepted it because it was our
only chance.
Speaker 3 (09:13):
I guess, if it was the only shot, he had
to kind of overcome it, and you know, he was
so brave. He just I've got this video of him
and Max sitting on his lap and he's explaining the
surgery to Max and he's like, then they cut you
open here and then they take this out here and again,
like such a bittersweet thing having a little newborn baby
with us during that time. You know, that's not how
(09:34):
you expect to bring a baby into the world. But
I just can't even imagine what it would have been
like for Sean and for me without Max there.
Speaker 1 (09:43):
So, yeah, Sean had surgery.
Speaker 3 (09:46):
I got a phone call about an hour in saying, Yep,
we're going to give it a go.
Speaker 1 (09:50):
There's a lot of cancer here, but we'll try our best.
We'll call you when we're finished.
Speaker 3 (09:55):
And you know, like I said, twelve hours later, I
get the phone call and they're like, we're done. He's
in ICU. Give us an hour and you can come
and see him. They're like, just be prepared when you
see him.
Speaker 1 (10:07):
It's not pleasant. There's drains coming out of every angle.
Speaker 3 (10:11):
He looks like he's been through the walls basically, And
so we did. We went in and saw him, and
it was early hours of the morning, and yeah, I
don't think anything can really prepare you for seeing somebody
in that state.
Speaker 2 (10:26):
It's very confronting, isn't it.
Speaker 1 (10:28):
Yeah, it was. It was a lot to deal with.
Speaker 3 (10:30):
And we saw him, and I guess the plan was
then to keep him in an induced coma for three days.
They wanted him his body just to recover a little
bit and then they would wake him up.
Speaker 1 (10:39):
So it was like the longest three days of your life.
You know. You go in, you're talking to him.
Speaker 3 (10:43):
And you're seeing all these tubes in the Yeah, it
was literally like he'd been through a war zone. And
then three days later they woke him up, and you know,
I just remember the first thing he said to me
was hi, And I was like, Hi, is that it?
Like I've been through three days of hell and you're
telling me hi. You know, they were pretty happy. They
(11:04):
were like, the surgery's gone really well. We've removed as
much of the cancer as we can. There's not a
lot left anything that he's left his minor and it
should be able to be removed through chemo. So the
whole thing was just a success and we were happy.
And yeah, we were kind of a little bit shocked.
You're like, okay, all good, Like your whole anatomy is
now changed. But that's okay, we'll manage this and we'll
(11:26):
get through it. And it was good news. And then
he was just about to go into the general wad
a few days later when he goes Kayla, something's not right.
He goes, I have pain in my chest and I
was like, okay, like I'll get the doctor and I
got the doctrine. He goes, no, no, no, like Sean's whole
anatomy's move. This is just him his body. And Sean's like, no,
(11:48):
something is not right, like that got pain around my
heart and.
Speaker 1 (11:54):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (11:54):
Very quickly, he basically couldn't take the pain anymore, and
they raced him in to go and get an X ray,
and they basically found he had a pericardal effusion and
he had fluid now around him his heart, which was
a side effect of this surgery that no one could
ever predict happening. It was something that wasn't even on
the list of all the things that could possibly go wrong.
(12:15):
So they basically were like, we have to go and
try and drain this. If we can't drain it, we
have to take him in. He has to have open
heart surgery. And they sat us down and him, myself
and his family, and they were like, Sean's not going
to recover from this. He's like, there is no person
who can go through this mother of all surgery to
then have an open heart surgery when he is so
(12:35):
weak and we were just like, I guess gobsmacked is
the word.
Speaker 1 (12:40):
We were just like, well, what do you mean.
Speaker 3 (12:41):
You know, he's just been to all this for now
this to go wrong, and it at the time you
just can't quite comprehend it, and you just waiting for
a miracle. Anyway, So they prepped him for surgery and
he went in and I guess that's where it all
went terribly wrong. You know, he had the surgery, they
removed the liquid. They were still monitoring it because it
wasn't quite what they wanted it to be. And he
(13:06):
was in a coma for close to a month. And
it was the worst time of my life. You know,
I'm watching him completely fade away. He can't eat, he
can't drink, he's got a feeding tube. I could just
see the weight around his face just disappear, and yeah,
and he's just fading fast. I mean, thirty days of
no food, laying in a hospital bed, and I would
(13:28):
visit him in between feeding Max and looking back on
it now, it's just it's unbelievable.
Speaker 1 (13:34):
And every day I'd go in there in the morning
like can we wake him up?
Speaker 3 (13:37):
Can we wake him up? And they're like, no, we
can't wake him up. He's not ready. He's not ready,
and I was just getting so frustrated. I was like,
but I can see he needs to wake up now.
Otherwise he's just going to be, you know, literally skin
and bones when he wakes up. And they wouldn't and
they kept going, and yeah, month later they decided that
they would wake him up, and yeah, I guess that's
(13:59):
when our whole life really started from the beginning again,
you know. And they gave him a bottle of water,
a bigger, like two liter bottle, and they're like, this
is your arm weight. This is all you have to
do physio with. And you know, he was a strong guy.
He went to the gym who exercised. He was fit
and he was healthy. And now he's doing weights with
a bottle of water. And you know, he had to start.
(14:19):
He had to see nutritionists and you name it. He
had to basically start again. And it was quite the journey.
And we obviously had that to deal with and our
newborn baby. And yeah, so we lived in Sydney for
a month after his surgery and he did rehab and
you know, he got used to his medication he was taking.
(14:42):
He started taking oral chemo again, and yeah, there was
a lot of medication.
Speaker 2 (14:49):
Taylor, how were you feeling at that stage other than yes,
you were concerned about Sean, but you just had a baby.
Speaker 1 (14:59):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (15:00):
I honestly, I think for me, I felt almost like
I didn't have any reason to be sad or really
thinking about myself because it was like, Okay, I have
Sean to look after and I have Max to look after,
and I just need to be that strong unit for
both of them. And yeah, I was just more like, Okay,
well what can I do for each of these people
(15:21):
who need me right now? I need to get Sean
back on his feet so he can help me. I
don't know, it was just such a blur, like I
look back now and it was I don't even remember it.
I feel like it just happened, and you're on this
like high of adrenaline almost where you you're.
Speaker 1 (15:37):
Just living in autopilot. You don't really know what you're doing.
Speaker 2 (15:40):
Did you have family with you at that stage?
Speaker 1 (15:43):
Yeah, we did.
Speaker 3 (15:44):
We had both his and my family come and go
that whole month that we were down there, and they
were a great support system for both of us.
Speaker 2 (15:53):
And did the hospital or the doctors you were dealing
with recommend that you know, maybe you have a chat
with someone, or did you just rely on family and
friends to download how you feel, or you didn't even
think about that. You just wanted to be with Sean
or with Max and you could wait.
Speaker 1 (16:11):
Yeah, I mean I think it was more of like
I could wait.
Speaker 3 (16:14):
It was more like, I'm not going to go and
ask for help for myself, where this is not about me,
this is about Sean.
Speaker 1 (16:20):
I don't know, I've always been kind of one to
bottle it in.
Speaker 3 (16:23):
You know, I don't really show the feelings and I
don't really show the emotion, which it definitely is caught
up to me all these years later. It's been five
years now since I lost Sean, and I think it
was at the beginning of twenty twenty four that it
all just hit me.
Speaker 1 (16:37):
Like a ton of bricks.
Speaker 3 (16:38):
You know, you can only run on autopilot for so long,
you can only keep yourself so busy for so long,
and then it, yeah, you completely.
Speaker 1 (16:46):
Hit the wall.
Speaker 2 (16:47):
And what happened then?
Speaker 1 (16:49):
I think what.
Speaker 3 (16:50):
Happened then is, you know, I didn't have this complete
psychotic meltdown. It was more just I would think I
woke up one day and I was like, what am
I doing? Like, I've just filled my days and a
great days with Max. You know, we did things on
the weekend, were always out, we were always busy, like
We've got some great memories from the last few years.
But I was like, but what am I doing now?
(17:11):
You know, what is making me happy? I'm at work
full time, I'm just busy. I'm out the house all
the time. But what is filling my cup anymore? And
it was kind of like, apart from Max and our
little adventures and our time together, I'm like, nothing is.
I feel like I have no purpose anymore, no drive,
no motivation. You know, when you lose the person like
your significant other, you feel like you lose all your dreams,
(17:34):
all your goals. It's like you can't have any of
that anymore. And that's kind of what hit me. I
was like, I'm living this life and a great life.
You know, Sean and I set ourselves up for a
really good life, and we had a house and a
dog and Max, and you know, we had everything going
for us.
Speaker 1 (17:49):
But doesn't mean that you're happy.
Speaker 3 (17:51):
You know, you have everything and what seems to be
the picture perfect life on paper, but it doesn't mean
you're happy. I had this huge void in my life
that I was just trying to fill with distraction. And again,
you can only do that for so long.
Speaker 1 (18:05):
So I guess that's what really prompted the move to Canada.
You know, here we are. It was always a dream
of short and eyes to come back here.
Speaker 3 (18:12):
He lived here for quite a few years and we
always talked about going back together, and we were big
travelers and we explored the world, and we kind of
got to a point where I was like, you know what,
I can do it. Why can't I? I can still
do this. I can take MACS, I can apply for
a visa. And you know, a few people call me
crazy and that I was having a bit of a
midlife crisis, but I mean I probably am, but you know,
(18:37):
it's quite empowering. I think I hit that wall and
I recognize it very quickly that I needed to change something.
Speaker 1 (18:43):
And I was like, I love my life. I have
a great life.
Speaker 3 (18:46):
I'm not going to say I don't, but I needed
to do something because it wasn't filling those needs then and.
Speaker 2 (18:52):
There, So what are you doing over in Whistler.
Speaker 1 (18:56):
I'm working again.
Speaker 3 (18:58):
I kind of I needed to make sure the life
here was different to what I had at home, and
it certainly is. You know, we've only been here three
months and we've definitely slowed things down a lot. You know,
I'm only working part time now, I'm taking Max to school,
I'm picking him up from school every day. There's just
so much more quality time, you know. I think after
(19:18):
this whole journey, I've realized life is so short and
a nine to five, chaotic job is.
Speaker 1 (19:25):
Just not for me anymore.
Speaker 2 (19:27):
Do you have any family or supporting Canada? Like, did
you just move there? Find a place go? I'm just
going to give this a crack.
Speaker 1 (19:36):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (19:36):
I do have a few friends here who were friends
with Sean when he lived here.
Speaker 1 (19:40):
They've been amazing to help me out. But yeah, I'm
pretty alone.
Speaker 2 (19:46):
And have you joined any community groups? I mean, I'm
sure you'll meet some moms with KINDI or school whatever
Max is at now. Have you found people who have
been really open and welcoming to Canadians? Are beautiful people? Oh?
Speaker 1 (19:59):
Amazing? You know, there's I've met a.
Speaker 3 (20:01):
Lot of great mums at the school, a lot of
people at work. You know, people are so friendly here.
People be like you know, I can pick Max up
from school if you ever need. I'm like, wait, what
you know, I don't even know you, Like you're a
complete stranger. And they're like, no, no, no, Like none
of us have family here. We all you know that
we call everyone orphans here. You know, no one has family.
We're all just by themselves. So they're like, you know,
(20:22):
if you're running late, just message, I'll get Max.
Speaker 1 (20:25):
And it's been great.
Speaker 2 (20:27):
After Sean passed, was everything initially just a blur? You
just popped your head down, you know, you did what
you had to do with funeral, those sort of things.
Did you just really focus then in on yourself and
Max or you just tried to keep doing what you'd
been doing leading into everything that had happened, and just
(20:49):
try and keep life as normal as possible, because I
mean everything changed for you in a second.
Speaker 1 (20:54):
Really, yeah it did.
Speaker 3 (20:56):
And I guess when Sean died, you know, I everyone
grieves differently, and I don't really know if I grieved
the right way. But I went straight back to work
the next week. I was like, I have to go back,
I have to keep busy. I went straight into that
path of I'm going to fill every second of every day.
Speaker 1 (21:14):
Then I don't have to be sad, I don't have
to think about it.
Speaker 3 (21:17):
And so that's what I did, you know, for quite
a few years. And we had just bought our house
that we were living in, and you know, we didn't
even have furniture. So if there was a blessing, it
was the fact that Max and my new life had
really just started. So the routines weren't there yet. We
hadn't created memories in this house yet. It was kind
(21:40):
of almost like a fresh start, you know. It wasn't like, okay,
this time of the day Sean was going to come
home and having that home vision of what it looked
like when he walked through the door and when he
went to work in the morning.
Speaker 1 (21:51):
None of that had started yet in this new house.
Speaker 3 (21:53):
So in a way that was a blessing if you
want to try and find a positive in the situation.
You know, we had this beautiful house that we were
meant to live in and build a family together.
Speaker 1 (22:03):
But in a way, it was like a fresh start
for Max and I.
Speaker 3 (22:06):
So I didn't have that torture every day of Okay,
this is where Sean put his clothes, and this is
where how Sean cooked, I had no memories there, so it.
Speaker 1 (22:14):
Was completely starting again.
Speaker 3 (22:17):
And then a few months after Sean died, COVID happened,
so there was no normal for a very long time
because we obviously then went into COVID and lockdowns, and
I was still working because I was still considered an
essential worker, so it was just navigating the way of COVID,
and then I guess that's when we had to kind
of get into a normal routine after that.
Speaker 2 (22:40):
Kayler, what work do you do?
Speaker 3 (22:42):
I've always been in hotels, hotel operations, and then I
got a job in operations in real estate office.
Speaker 1 (22:47):
So yes, very busy, very all over the place.
Speaker 2 (22:51):
And that's what you've gone into over in Canada.
Speaker 1 (22:55):
No, it's not, I've changed everything.
Speaker 3 (22:58):
I now work as part of a sales team at
the conference center, so we were like a not for
profit and we try and.
Speaker 1 (23:03):
Bring big groups to Whistler and it's different.
Speaker 3 (23:06):
It's much slower pace and great people and it's a
nice change.
Speaker 2 (23:11):
On your podcast, you said you and Ash admit through
like a Facebook website group for grieving partners the widows. Yeah,
was that a huge help for you?
Speaker 3 (23:25):
I think there is a really strange comfort in connecting
yourself with people who have been through something similar. So,
if anything, it was probably that because again, you see
yourself thirty with cancer.
Speaker 1 (23:37):
Who the heck is thirty with cancer? I don't know anybody.
Speaker 3 (23:40):
And then it's like I'm this young single now mother
with a baby.
Speaker 1 (23:44):
And I'm a widow.
Speaker 3 (23:46):
You know, it's like where am I going to find
another one of those? And I joined this group while
it was quite new early days, and I think there's
now over like one hundred and fifty girls in it
around Brisbane and the Gold Coast, and it's been a
strange comfort knowing that there's other people in that same situation.
And there's definitely people in the group that you connect
with more than others. You know, there's people who are
(24:07):
grieving differently to you, and there's some people.
Speaker 1 (24:10):
You just don't connect with at all.
Speaker 3 (24:12):
But yeah, I've met some really great people through that,
and I think now like some lifelong friends that I.
Speaker 2 (24:16):
Will have forever. I think that's so wonderful. And then
your life journeys together will segue in such interesting ways
that you can share, grow help others. And I'm assuming
that's why you started the podcast.
Speaker 3 (24:33):
It is you know, I think for Ash and I
we obviously had history we worked together all those years
ago that we didn't even know about, and I think
for us, it was actually more of the connection with
the kids. You know, She's got triplets and I've got Max,
and the first time we ever met them, you know,
complete strangers. Max was like, these are my triplets, and
(24:53):
it was just that bond.
Speaker 1 (24:54):
Between the kids.
Speaker 3 (24:55):
It's like they instantly knew each other, they instantly felt connected,
and I guess for us, we were like, wow, like
these kids are going to grow up together with that
missing person.
Speaker 1 (25:04):
In their lives.
Speaker 3 (25:05):
You know, it's different, but it's the same, and I
guess there's not a lot of kids that will have
to experience that, so that was quite special. And then
I think the whole podcast was really born out of
the fact that we have been through such horrific journeys.
You know, hers and mine stories are very different, but
(25:25):
they're both journeys in their own right. And I think
for me, I said to Ashle's like, I really want
to do something with this pain and this story that
we've been through. You know, how amazing do you feel
when you actually talk to people in.
Speaker 1 (25:39):
Day to day life. And I don't go around being like, oh,
here you want to hear my story.
Speaker 3 (25:43):
But when you meet someone you and you start talking
with and you build this relationship and I always get
the question, where's Max's dad? You know, it comes out
all the time, and then eventually you do have to sit,
you know, and tell them, and it makes you.
Speaker 1 (25:56):
Feel very proud to share it.
Speaker 3 (25:58):
But it also I think really helps people because they
are like gives them a little bit of perspective, you know,
in their own lives, and they're like, Okay, hey, wow,
I thought I was having a bad week, but I'm good.
Speaker 1 (26:07):
You know, I'm really really good.
Speaker 3 (26:09):
Or you know, you've just given me a new way
of thinking about a certain situation based on what you've
been through. So it doesn't have to always connect, but
I think it can connect in some way, shape or
form to somebody else. So I remember saying to Ash
I met her only a few times, and I said, right,
I want to do something. Let's do this podcast. I've
got an idea. I'd already done like a business plan
(26:30):
for it. She's like, there is no way in this
earth I'm doing a podcast with you. Here we are,
We've done it, and it's a pretty I feel very
proud of us that we've been able to do it,
and then messages that we've already received in such a
short time of you've helped me, You've made me see
things differently. You know, our journeys are not the same.
But I'm going through this and you told me that,
(26:52):
and it feels like it's now my purpose. You know,
I said, I don't want this nine to five work
life anymore, you know, I just want to feel like
I live with some purpose.
Speaker 2 (27:02):
Isn't that a nice feeling. I feel the same way
with casting and helping people and the questions I get
asked and podcasts I've been approached to talk about. And
you know, when I started this, I remember saying to Katie,
who's both of our producer, saying, I just want to
help one person. That's it. One person, and it's grown
(27:22):
from there. I'm up to season seven. Wow, congratulations, you know,
and that will be you guys, you know, Yeah, and exciting.
It's a nice feeling to share your journey to help
other people.
Speaker 3 (27:37):
And yeah, so I guess that's why we've used the lemons,
you know, because everyone has lemons in their lives. Things
go wrong all the time. We know, small things, big things,
you name it, things go wrong. So I think the
use of the word lemon it fits all shapes and
sizes it does.
Speaker 2 (27:52):
It's actually a great name.
Speaker 1 (27:54):
Thank you.
Speaker 2 (27:55):
Will you be back in Brisbane at any stage? Do
you think I will be? You will? So you gave
yourself a timeframe and yeah.
Speaker 3 (28:04):
I mean we're on a v so we've said twelve months.
We'll give it a good crap for twelve months, and yeah,
we'll go from there. I'm trying not to think too
far in the future, because who knows what the future
has in store.
Speaker 2 (28:14):
You know, it's really interesting. I heard Elizabeth Gilbert speak
from Eat, Pray, Love, and her whole talk was about
being present, that yes, you do have to look to
the future. There are things you want to think about
in the past, but we've got to start being present.
(28:35):
And the way she talked about being present and you know, yes,
there are things you need to have in the future
to look forward to, but we're so busy thinking about
our mistakes trying to change the future, that we're forgetting
to be in the here and now. And the way
she speaks and how she is so eloquent and how
(28:56):
she puts things forward is remarkable. But it really resonated
with me because I, you know, very good at beating
myself up for things in the past and then, you know,
stress about things in the future because I own my
own business and that sort of thing. Yeah, I forget
to be in the here and now.
Speaker 3 (29:12):
Yeah, And I guess that's the sole purpose of moving
it is. You know, I'm like, let's get rid of
the distractions, let's get rid of the house, Let's get
rid of all of it, you know, and live in
the moment with Max, And we're just doing a day
at a time, and it feels good.
Speaker 2 (29:26):
I love it. I think it's fantastic. Was actually curious
as to why you were there. I thought that maybe
you had a lot of family in Canada. Although I
think things are going to get more expensive, aren't they.
Speaker 3 (29:34):
With the I wish I had family here because it's
very expensive.
Speaker 2 (29:40):
And only going to get more expensive. Unfortunately with everything
that's happening in America. Sure is not.
Speaker 3 (29:45):
Good, but no, I'm hoping it's something that Max can
look back on one day and say, wow, like I
had a cool mum.
Speaker 1 (29:50):
You know, we moved to Canada.
Speaker 3 (29:52):
I learned to snowboard, he started doing jiu jitsu, you know,
just those little things.
Speaker 2 (29:56):
How old is Max now?
Speaker 1 (29:58):
He's six now.
Speaker 2 (29:59):
Oh my goodness. And you would talk about Sean with
him every day.
Speaker 1 (30:04):
Every day, you know.
Speaker 3 (30:05):
And he's obviously very aware of that his dad is
not here, but he has his story, you know. He's like,
my daddy got sick and the doctors couldn't make him better,
and it's quite special. He says, my daddy's on the moon,
so you know, the moon follows us around wherever we are,
and he's like, oh, there's daddy. You know. We've had
some pretty remarkable views here of the mountains and the
moon and it feels quite very special.
Speaker 2 (30:28):
That's so beautiful. If you had any advice to any
young mum that's gone through what you've gone through, what
would it be.
Speaker 3 (30:39):
Probably that there's no right or wrong way of doing anything,
you know. I think you've got to just go with
the punches and feel as you need to feel along
the way, and don't beat yourself up if you haven't
felt things the way people tell you should feel, and
don't be afraid to be selfish once in a while
and put yourself first.
Speaker 1 (30:59):
Eventually.
Speaker 2 (31:02):
An interesting point is my brother and all passed away
and it's just been twelve months and he was in
his fifties last year. And it's interesting how people have
this assumption of how Jane, which is my husband's wife,
should grieve and timeframes. Yeah, And I don't know if
(31:24):
that's a real Australian thing or just something in general,
but it's like, well, got to get on with life
or yeah. And to me, grief is so personal and
such a journey. I mean, you're going to be on
this journey forever.
Speaker 3 (31:38):
I will be on this journey forever, and it's not
going to get any easier.
Speaker 1 (31:42):
It's just going to be different, you know.
Speaker 3 (31:44):
And Ash and I actually do do a podcast episode
about the stages of grief and how bullshit we think
they are because you know, the people there's this you know,
chain of events if you should feel this, then this,
then this and this, and I just personally don't agree
with them because I was like, there's some stages I
maybe haven't had yet. And it's been five years, you know,
there's some stages I just don't agree with, Like when
(32:06):
are you going to ever be accepting of the situation?
Speaker 1 (32:08):
Never?
Speaker 3 (32:09):
Never, going to accept the fact that Sean's not here
and that you know his child has no father, and
you know that we didn't get to do this and
we didn't get to do that.
Speaker 1 (32:17):
I'm never going to accept that.
Speaker 2 (32:19):
And I don't blame you because I think it's a
crocerdshit too. Personally, I think everyone grieves in their own way,
as long as it doesn't become all encompassing so that
you can't live life. Then I think you need some
help with your grief. Yeah, but you know, we are
allowed to grieve. And you know, I remember my Nan.
She lost her son in a terrible boating accident. She
(32:41):
grieved him till the day she died. And she was
in her late eighties. And it wasn't that she didn't
get on with life or she didn't live it or whatever,
but you know, she had sorrow in her heart for
losing her child, just like you do for Sean. And
that's okay.
Speaker 1 (32:59):
Yeah, And it's learning to live with that.
Speaker 3 (33:01):
And I think one of the biggest little I guess
quotes that I have and I share it with Max,
is we're learning to live with the love he left behind.
Speaker 2 (33:10):
That's nice.
Speaker 3 (33:11):
No, it's a special one, and I feel that all
the time. You know, I'm so blessed to have literally
a mini Sean. He is his father's child. To the
tea running around, you know, it's so special. And the
friends that we have, and it's like Sean and I
created that and he's left that behind.
Speaker 2 (33:26):
For us, And what an amazing gift. I think it's beautiful.
Thank you, Kaylor, thank you for chatting with me today.
I appreciate it so much. Have an amazing time in Canada.
Speaker 1 (33:38):
Thank you.
Speaker 2 (33:39):
I will get him up on those skis and we'll
have an Astralian Olympic skier.
Speaker 1 (33:45):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (33:46):
We told someone today. Someone was like, oh, so you
better at the mummy at snowboarding. He goes, yeah, I'm
way faster. He's had four like him, so he thinks
he's a professional.
Speaker 2 (33:54):
And you know what, he probably will be, because I mean,
lord knows, I was a hopeless snowboarder, but I love skiing.
Speaker 3 (34:00):
Yeah, I have no doubt about it. He's got the confidence.
So give him a few more lessons and he'll.
Speaker 1 (34:04):
Be whizzing past me.
Speaker 2 (34:05):
Oh my god, aren't they amazing those kids? I'll tell you,
thank you, Taylor. I appreciate this so much Darling, thank
you so much,
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