May 26, 2022 • 50 mins
Do you know your parent's love story?
In this episode of The Grandfather Effect, Brian sits down with his uncle and two of his cousins in hopes of discovering what they know about Grandpa Tom. In the midst of reminiscing and catching up, he finds himself asking: maybe it is what they don't know that really matters?
To learn more, visit https://www.moodyradio.org/podcasts/grandfather-effect/ .
Head to https://bibletolife.com/resources/series/the-grandfather-effect for devotionals that aim to prompt further prayer and reflection based on each episode.
This podcast is a production of Moody Radio and the 820 Podcast Network in partnership with 12:2 Media.
Host and Creator: Brian Dahlen
Executive Producer: Emma VanDeVelde
Producer and Engineer: Caleb Gray
Support the Grandfather Effect: http://moodyradio.org/donateto/podcast/grandfathereffect
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
S1 (00:01):
We never heard from him again.
S2 (00:02):
No letter, no call, no contact. That's very possible that
I played a leading role.
S3 (00:07):
In what happened here. We got to satisfy one. Five seven.
S1 (00:13):
This is it. I think it's an incredible story. I
guess I kept wondering why everybody didn't address the elephant.
S4 (00:20):
In the room.
S3 (00:21):
I'm Brian Donlon, and this is the grandfather effect. Hey there.
It's Brian. I want to hit pause on this episode
to ask you for two quick favors. First. Don't forget
to subscribe to and follow this podcast so you never
miss an episode. And second, would you consider sharing the
(00:41):
grandfather effect with a few of your friends? You know,
word of mouth marketing is the best thing out there.
And if you like what you hear, we'd be so
grateful for you to help us spread the word about
the grandfather effect. Tell your friends to find out more
information at Moody Radio Dawgs slash grandfather again. Moody Radio
(01:01):
Dawg slash grandfather. Thanks. Let's get back to the episode.
Let's go back in time for a second. When it
was first conceived in the 1790s, Cleveland's Public Square quietly
served its purpose as the center of city life, a
destination for the monument and the monumental, the spontaneous and
(01:25):
the scheduled. Now, flash forward to April 28, 1865. We're
in the same spot, Cleveland's public square. Shortly after arriving
by train, a lead lined solid walnut box with sterling
silver handles was carefully lowered into a horse drawn carriage.
(01:48):
Despite its beauty and craftsmanship, it was covered that day
by a large black silk cloth. It was draped as
a solemn expression of mourning by 9:15 a.m.. That horse
drawn hearse arrived at Public Square. It was carrying a body,
the dead body of President Abraham Lincoln. Where else in
(02:12):
Cleveland would you hold a public viewing for the slain president?
It rained all day. At times, there was a downpour.
And yet, two moving lines of mourners passed by Lincoln's
body all day long. By 6 p.m.. 90,000 people had
waited their turn to spend a few moments paying their respects.
(02:34):
At the time, the population of Cleveland was only about 43,000.
Then there was April 29th, 1879. Inventor Charles F Brush
was an educated Clevelander. He was particularly fascinated with electricity
and would eventually invent something called an arc lamp. It
(02:56):
supposedly burned as bright as 4000 candles. Now, clearly, nobody
would want what's basically a spotlight in their living room.
But what if cities could use his invention to light
up their streets at night? So in a brilliant marketing
stunt that garnered international attention, Charles Brush conducted a public
demonstration of what would become known as street lights. Now,
(03:20):
where did he choose to stage this dramatic moment? Public square,
of course. And soon Cleveland became the first city in
America with electric street lights. So on another April morning,
over 130 years later, I found myself circling that same place,
public square, in search of a different kind of history
(03:43):
and a parking spot.
S1 (03:46):
Continue on.
S3 (03:47):
If you've gotten this far in the series, do you
know I'm trying to unravel the mystery. Why in the
world would my Grandpa Tom disown us over something as
trivial as a birthday card? I've quizzed my parents at length.
I developed some theories, but there are so many missing pieces,
far too many to draw any reliable conclusions. I need
(04:09):
more information.
S1 (04:10):
Nation is on the right.
S3 (04:11):
And after a little digging online, I found something, apparently
an obscure book published in 1923 called History of Minneapolis
Gateway to the Northwest. Included a brief biographical sketch of
my great grandfather, Oscar Henry Dolin. And as the Lord
would have it, the Cleveland Public Library supposedly has a
(04:33):
copy in the main library complex just around the corner
from Public Square. Before I knew it, I was wandering
in the front door of the library with information about
the book printed out on a piece of paper. Now,
a long time ago in an elementary school far, far away,
I I'd learned how to use the Dewey Decimal System.
But that skill, it was gone. I'd need help to
(04:55):
decode the coordinates of the book. Hey, they're hoping you
can help me with something. I've got a particular book
I'm looking for. I don't even know where to start.
To go find it. It's a history book, I guess.
And the history winning or something. Sixth floor of this building. Okay.
I hurried across the large atrium to the elevators. It
made my way to the sixth floor. Of course, being
(05:18):
completely inept at finding library books, I was immediately lost again.
After more help from another librarian, I discovered that the
book wasn't shelved in an area open to the public.
So I waited while they graciously fetched me the book
that likely hadn't been touched in at least 50 years,
if ever. The book was organized in three enormous volumes.
(05:47):
The first was an exhaustive, orderly examination of the history
of the city of Minneapolis, Minnesota. A page turner, I'm sure.
But oddly, volumes two and three were composed entirely of
brief biographical profiles of influential residents of the city. Thousands
of people. And on pages five, 65 and five, 66
(06:11):
of Volume two, there it was 375 words about my
great grandfather, Oscar Henry Dolin. Sure. That's not much, but
it's about 370 more words than my dad could recite
about him. Here's a taste of what it said. A
(06:31):
native of Minneapolis. His birth occurred on the 21st of December, 1885.
A son of John and Margaret Dolan, both natives of Sweden.
Upon putting his textbooks aside, he secured a job in
the Printing Office of the Tribune and was in that
employ most of the time until he started in business
on his own account. He established his present business in 1903,
(06:55):
and in 1914 it was incorporated under the name of
the Stalin Printing Company. He's always been president, and his
executive ability and keen business foresight and sagacity have been
prime factors in its continued success. Mr. Dolan has given
his staunch support to the Republican Party and the principles
for which it stands. Mr. Donlin has gained a reputation
(07:18):
for straightforward business dealings and civic loyalty, and no man
in the city is more highly esteemed for his integrity
and sterling worth. Those are bold words. Was that truly
his reputation in the city of Minneapolis? And who wrote them?
Or did he write and submit them himself? I sure
(07:39):
hope not. No man in this city is more highly
esteemed for his integrity and sterling worth. Apparently in the 1920s,
it wasn't necessary to publish attribution for biographical sketches in
books like this other than the editor of the first volume.
No credit is given as to who wrote the other two.
(08:00):
In the end, we can't know for sure what role
Oscar played in writing his own biographical sketch. I've learned
a lot. But this doesn't bring me any closer to
solving the mystery of the birthday card, disowning it. As
far as I can see it, I've only got one
option left. My uncle is in his seventies and still
(08:22):
lives in the Minneapolis area. I haven't spoken to him
in at least ten years, probably closer to 15. But
make no mistake, Tom Junior is a great guy. I've
only spent time with him on a few occasions, but
I have wonderful memories of a sense of humor and
jovial personality. For whatever reason, he and my dad just
aren't that close. But as you heard my mom say
(08:44):
in the last episode, it's her impression that Tom Jr
and his two daughters saw Grandpa Tom regularly. The only
way to learn more about him is to break a
decade of silence and see if he talk to me
and convince him to let me record the conversation. But
how do you just pick up a phone and quiz
your long lost uncle about his personal life? His dad?
(09:07):
Isn't that a conversation that's better had in person face
to face? So with both skill and finesse, I wrangled
my inner cheapskate and secured a flight to Minneapolis and
with an equal measure of linguistic gymnastics, I persuaded my
uncle and two cousins to meet with me over breakfast
to talk about Grandpa Tom. My parents were out of town,
(09:30):
so I commandeered their house as our designated meeting place
the morning of our get together. I decided to do
some reflecting before everyone arrived. It's 847 on Saturday, February 15th.
This is the day. And as awkward as it is, I.
I can't believe I'm here. I'm sitting in my parent's
kitchen in Burnsville, Minnesota. Got in last night awkwardly, tried
(09:56):
to put together a brunch because I've got my two
cousins and my uncle coming over and my brother and
a little bit over an hour to sit through and
talk about all these things, get a little nervous energy.
I honestly don't know what I'm going to find out.
I would hope that the explanation is simple, and when
(10:17):
I say simple, I hope that the explanation is that
he just wasn't a nice person. Wouldn't that be the
easiest thing that he just was kind of callous and
uncaring and that just explains the whole thing? I'm a
little fearful that we're going to discover that he was
heartbroken or confused. You know, Lord, I just pray that
(10:40):
you would give me the wisdom to know what to say.
Demeanor to be kind and gentle and respectful and honoring
of my grandfather and any possible family conflict I'll uncover.
And Lord, I ask that you might bring us some
answers if it's possible. That's me nervously whistling while I
(11:03):
finish cooking sausages. I was about to discover that the
only real awkwardness was me.
S4 (11:13):
Hello. Hello. Good. How are you? Hey, how are you? Yes,
you're welcome.
S3 (11:20):
You see, my cousins Nicole and Kelly are gracious, kind,
successful and intelligent women without any difficulty. We settled into
casual conversation. We laughed, we got caught up. My uncle
wasted no time cracking jokes and my brother was chatty
or the next to get breakfast out of the oven here.
(11:41):
After about 30 minutes of this, I could tell that
everyone started wondering when I'd get on with it. I
took the hint, put the recorder in the middle of
the table and managed to squeeze out some sort of
cumbersome transition.
S2 (11:52):
So they're not.
S3 (11:53):
Known for their good teeth. So thank you for letting
me pick your brains and stuff for this stuff.
S1 (12:00):
Yeah.
S3 (12:01):
I appreciate it.
S2 (12:02):
What's the back story? Okay, good.
S1 (12:05):
Yeah. So we need a back story.
S3 (12:09):
So the back story was it was probably like five
or six years ago. You don't even you know, he
barely showed up today. I don't even know what to say.
So we were we were like like in a rental house,
in a lake somewhere with his family, my family and
my parents. And we put all the kids to bed
and we're sitting around staring at our phones, not saying anything.
S1 (12:30):
Yeah. Isn't that the normal? Yeah, I hate it.
S3 (12:32):
And I was like, Well, I'm going to start a
conversation here.
S4 (12:34):
Yeah.
S3 (12:35):
Try to get this guy to say something. And so
I just go look at my dad. I go, All right, yeah.
I'd like to hear your parents love story. How did
they meet each other? He goes, I don't know. And
I was like, okay, well, that's not not an acceptable answer.
S2 (12:50):
Yeah, but he said, No.
S1 (12:53):
Do you know?
S3 (12:53):
I said, How do they know I'm in this over here?
S1 (12:56):
It's your turn.
S3 (12:58):
Because I said, That's not acceptable. Answer How do you
not know how your parents, Matt.
S2 (13:02):
And Tom meet? I Well, it's a great question. I
don't know.
S3 (13:06):
Do they not talk about it?
S2 (13:10):
No, they never talked about it. I guess we were
not inquisitive enough to ask, but you know, you came
back from the war and they lived in an apartment
down on Bryant and.
S3 (13:22):
But they met before the war, right?
S2 (13:25):
Yeah. There's some pictures here. You might find some of
these interesting.
S3 (13:28):
Oh, definitely.
S2 (13:29):
Well, most of them were more pictures and grandma. But
I don't I don't remember the story. Did they meet
at a dancer? I don't know.
S3 (13:39):
Do you know your parents story? I tried to.
S1 (13:41):
One day they met on a blind date. Mm hmm.
S3 (13:43):
I know my parents love story. As you heard, my
cousins quickly declared their parents love story in unison. But
my dad and his brother have no idea how their
parents met. So strange. But maybe he knows more than
my dad about their grandfather, Oscar Henry Dolin.
S2 (14:04):
His dad, Oscar started the print company, I think did
very well. He had a place, a cabin up north.
Wherever up north is. And I never got that. They
take a big car with a running board to sign
the dog and the tiger. And he and Grandma Helen
was his wife. And Oscar always had money well thought
(14:27):
of in Minneapolis. And the cops always stop there for
hot coffee. Goes to Israel and Glenwood Springs. The target
center is them. I never met my grandfather.
S3 (14:35):
He died in 37, I believe is what it was.
S1 (14:38):
Really?
S2 (14:39):
Yeah, I was young, I think maybe 50 or something.
I don't know what he was. I never met him.
S3 (14:44):
So what do you know about Oscar? Anything? No. Like, zilch.
S2 (14:49):
Nothing other than an act. I mean, it's sad, but
I mean. Oh, yeah, grandfather. Well, there were never any
pictures of the cabin or up north or.
S3 (14:58):
So did people share that with you or like. Thompson
And I'm going to tell you about our story.
S2 (15:02):
No.
S3 (15:03):
No reminiscing. No picture of their family legacy. Was it
that Oskar was cold and disconnected and passed that onto
his sons? Clearly my uncle didn't know. The next step
would be to see what he can recall about his
own dad. Starting with the printing company he and his
brother Marshall inherited after their dad, Oscar passed away unexpectedly
(15:25):
at a young age.
S2 (15:27):
41. One would we'd go down there and play, and
Bill and I would run around the back and steal pencils.
So my dad took care of the books and employees
and that stuff. And Marsh was more of the guy
stirring up business with customers and very successful, didn't he?
One of his best friends was Ray Nelson, and Ray
Nelson was the car manager at Warren Cadillac. And we
(15:52):
always had Cadillacs. He always said, Tom, we've got a
great one. And I always use card. Look, Brando. So
then we he decided he and mom decided to buy
a travel trailer, 16 foot chest, a trailer. One of
the tour guides put a bumper on your car. That's
some great trips. Well, that was predicated because we went
on vacation, southwest and stuff, spent so much money on hotels.
(16:15):
I mean, they just both shot back in the fifties
because it was in the late fifties. We both complain.
I remember I always complain because it would take me
away from baseball going on these trips. And I look
at I go, which is right. And they were wonderful trips.
S3 (16:30):
What was the car ride like when you were driving
for a week's car ride? Oh, everybody's just sitting there silent, always.
S2 (16:37):
Playing games in the back or beating each other up or,
you know, doing something. But.
S3 (16:40):
So was it your mom had you do that or
your dad did?
S2 (16:43):
I think my mom.
S1 (16:45):
She liked to.
S2 (16:45):
She was more of the political director. You always afraid
of your dad? Get mad. But she was the disciplinarian.
Bill and I chase around the dining room. You remember
you were never in our house. I don't remember. There
there's a dining room and a table to table. I
have no. But we'd run around and on a Saturday
and I'd just chase and make him cry. And my
(17:07):
dad was outside. And then you come in and just
turn into one.
S3 (17:12):
And because my dad has no memory of your dad, like,
raising his voice or anything.
S2 (17:18):
He rarely did. He had to give you the look like, Oh,
my God, he's hit me with a pipe or something.
But he he was he was pretty mellow. In the end.
He would never give us the car, get your license.
You're going to get struck. Now, I may need to
go to the store. Really? 8:00 in the. You go
to the store? Well.
S1 (17:37):
Maybe, you know.
S2 (17:39):
Your mom and I mean, we're going to go over
the wall. Is this okay? I mean, they were good
parents and providing and they always had money. Get a
kick out. You read my mama check every Saturday or
something like that was her allowance. You write a check? Never.
Never exchange cash. He wrote her a check.
S3 (17:57):
That's great. All right, honey.
S2 (17:58):
I saw is a check in on it already down.
And I don't know, maybe was $70 or so it's
supposed to last two weeks? Well, she gets her hair done.
What's that? 35 bucks. Well, there it goes. And then
supposed to buy groceries or, you know, I don't know
how she did it. She. She bought the groceries. He
didn't he was like, typical guy. Just sit in the
car and wait for her to come out.
S3 (18:19):
But yeah, he was like that classic 1950s thing. And
my dad was saying, it's like the, you know, you
come home from work, you read the paper, Oh, stop
doing that, kids.
S4 (18:28):
You know.
S3 (18:29):
That's interesting. So it's not just my dad. My Uncle
Tom has vague recollections of their childhood that include Mom
as the disciplinarian and dad as rather disconnected. Nothing new there.
Maybe the memories of my cousins would shed some light
on my mysterious grandfather. What's he like to take out
(18:50):
for ice cream? Kind of grandpa. Come on, girls. Oh, no,
it's Grandpa. Come sit on my lap and read your story.
S1 (18:57):
I mean, I just remember him coming over for holidays
and him driving that big car.
S2 (19:02):
They always had Cadillacs. Yeah, I always had cameras.
S1 (19:05):
Feel like I always remember him in, like, a button
down shirt or a suit or something.
S2 (19:08):
This idea of a weekend was some kind of fly
away shirt. Yeah. And Ebola type?
S1 (19:13):
Yeah, like a sport coat on.
S2 (19:15):
Little leather bullets. And God damn, you can only to
do something.
S1 (19:20):
Like he was never the type that he never wore.
Just a plain old t. Like I always feel like
every morning. Yeah, every picture just.
S2 (19:28):
Says sleeveless t shirt. You know, that's all he had.
S1 (19:30):
I just remember him being dressed. He always looked. He. Yeah.
Dressed up a lot. Like, not a real.
S3 (19:37):
Casual. Was he talkative with you to tell me about school?
S1 (19:41):
Oh, he probably. I don't know. I'm sure he did
like to chat. I don't know a little bit.
S3 (19:46):
But they seem very interested in knowing you and and
knowing what you're doing. And I can't wait to go
see a cheer, Nicole and.
S1 (19:53):
Oh, no, no, no, no.
S4 (19:55):
Mm.
S3 (19:56):
So now my. My mom's dad was the guy who
would sit in the corner and not talk to anybody.
It was awkward. He was an awkward guy, but so
he was chatting with he wasn't necessarily really interested in
you girls.
S1 (20:07):
But he would chit chat with the adults. Right?
S2 (20:10):
Yes. Social gatherings, small talk. I mean, he wasn't the
center of attention by any means or cracking jokes, like.
S1 (20:17):
Like you certainly do.
S3 (20:18):
So he was not cracking jokes. My dad said he
had a DC like to laugh, but.
S2 (20:23):
Now he's probably laughing at me.
S3 (20:27):
Now it's not all sunshine and roses. My uncle clearly
wasn't a fan of his dad's decision to retire really
early from work because your dad had to retire early
because of his blood pressure or something.
S2 (20:40):
Yeah, he had blood pressure and I guess he retired
and I don't remember that. Well, yeah, that's right. Cause
then he'd be home. Mom would work. Here's Dad at home.
I remember we did dinner in TV trays, a Swanson
turkey dinner for someone. Dad fixed them because we come
off of school. I watched your dad do. I didn't
(21:00):
do anything for a mom or she had two jobs
when she worked well. She was the secretary to the
vice president of the Grain Exchange for General Mills. And
if that wasn't enough, then she worked part time at
some temp place, would take the bus home and maybe
bring chow mein from the mannequin on sixth and on
(21:22):
sixth street. Seventh Street. It was called the Nanking. Wonderful Chinese.
She'd bring it home in the bus.
S1 (21:29):
I remember. And then you use this used to say,
you see, you're kind of mad at your dad because
you're like my mom working two jobs.
S2 (21:35):
Yeah. And then she had to have a pacemaker put in.
S1 (21:37):
Yeah.
S2 (21:38):
You know, she. She worked hard. And here's a dance
at the moment. What was it? A little blood pressure.
I got blood pressure. I take a pill every day,
you know, but I.
S3 (21:49):
So what's the story there? Like, why did so he.
He just retired early and then just was hanging out.
S2 (21:54):
Yeah, I guess. I don't know. I heard the heart
attack range, and I better take it easy. Oh, honey,
it'll work.
S3 (22:00):
It's just a strange thing for him, but I guess
at that time, guys weren't.
S2 (22:05):
Well, yeah, he.
S3 (22:05):
Was domestic affairs.
S2 (22:06):
At home, and. I don't know, it's very strange. I'm
sure we were uncomfortable about it, you know, as you
did or whatever. So you had a little blood pressure.
What doesn't?
S4 (22:15):
Right.
S3 (22:17):
By this time, we were all getting comfortable, so I
figured I better bring up the elephant in the room.
You know how the guy we've been talking about disowned
my side of the family over a birthday card? I've
waited all these years and flown across the country. I
just couldn't wait any longer to hear the other side
of the story. But I have to tell you, I
(22:38):
was completely unprepared for what I was about to discover.
As I know you're probably are aware they didn't talk
for your dad, and my dad didn't talk for at
least a decade.
S1 (22:48):
And my dad didn't know that.
S2 (22:50):
You didn't know that? No.
S1 (22:51):
Okay. So when would when did they not talk? For
ten years.
S3 (22:56):
Well, that's so that that's the odd story.
S2 (22:58):
After we put him in the nursing home, they still
didn't know that.
S3 (23:01):
Was the first time they spoke in over a decade.
You heard that right. My uncle had no clue, but
his brother and his dad didn't speak for at least
a decade. You heard me stumble for words. As I
processed the implications of this and began to explain the story,
I had entertained the possibility that my uncle and cousins
(23:23):
didn't know why the D'isolement occurred, but I never imagined
in my wildest dreams the entire disarmament was an unknown
thing to them. Did my grandfather really never bring it up?
Did my dad really never mention this to his brother?
Was there communication that's sparse and empty? Here's what happened
(23:45):
as I wrapped up the story they were hearing for
the very first time. You got to recognize both boys.
You can't just recognize one of the boys. And so
they sent him a letter and they never talked again.
S1 (23:59):
I don't know.
S3 (24:00):
How was it?
S1 (24:02):
So did he write a letter versus call?
S3 (24:04):
I have no idea. But I think I think part
of that is my dad is kind of like how
you describe your father where like he's just he has
a high IQ but now would use IQ, right? He
just doesn't know how to talk emotion. He doesn't know
how to like the word, the words. I love you all.
He'll say it, but it's hard for him. He does.
He's not I don't know if you struggle on that
(24:24):
area or not.
S2 (24:25):
But sure, at times. Yeah.
S3 (24:27):
So I don't know why he didn't call. Isn't there,
aren't I? And so I said, well, you have to
qualify this. What do you mean? You never talked again?
We never heard from him. And I said, Did you
give him a call? They're like, Is.
S2 (24:42):
He dead or alive or, you know.
S3 (24:44):
And they it sounds like they just kind of were like, well,
that's extreme. That's weird. And then just life kept moving
because I don't think your dad and my dad were
real close ever. I don't think your dad was close
to anybody like him because you describe him as a grandpa.
It's not like, how are you? You know?
S1 (25:05):
Yeah.
S3 (25:06):
And this is me with conjecture now. And so I said,
Did you send him cards? My mom was like, I'm
sure we did. Did he ever send cars? Nope.
S1 (25:14):
So he never sent another card?
S3 (25:16):
Never. Never heard from him again. Never talked to him again.
The next time my dad talked to him was after
you guys moved him to a nursing home. He didn't
know who my dad was, you know, I didn't know
he was, which is, like, a horribly tragic story.
S1 (25:30):
Yeah, right.
S3 (25:31):
Because at least a decade went by and everybody's been
confused at Grandpa's wake. Like, what is.
S1 (25:37):
This like? Yeah, yeah.
S2 (25:39):
What in.
S3 (25:39):
The world? And so I tried to piece together some
of the things because it doesn't make sense to me,
and I try to get them to explain it on
their perspective. I don't know his you.
S1 (25:47):
Must be like there's a piece missing.
S3 (25:49):
There's got to be something that explains.
S1 (25:51):
Yeah, like it doesn't add up.
S3 (25:53):
Now, it sounds like my parents just kind of were
busy with the kids, were busy with the girls, and
they just kind of.
S2 (25:58):
Let it go.
S3 (25:59):
Let it go. And what what I did asked, I
was like, so do you regret this at all?
S1 (26:04):
Yeah.
S3 (26:04):
That was just at this point, I thought it would
be important to share some information with my uncle and
cousins that I haven't shared with you yet. It's about
regrets and whether my parents had them about this whole mess.
Here's what they said in their own words. Well, you know,
in hindsight, if we had known the reaction.
S4 (26:25):
I'm sure we would have done something different. But yeah,
it certainly wasn't the.
S3 (26:30):
Reaction that I anticipated.
S5 (26:31):
So yeah, I wasn't a real Christian at the time
and I hope that if I had been, I would
have acted differently. I regret that I was so insistent
about it. The age that your kids were at at
the time, it would have been easy to not to
work around it, and I wasn't capable of doing that
(26:56):
at the time. And I really regret having been the
cause of that break in the relationship.
S3 (27:06):
Maturity and Christian faith is a long, laborious, never ending process.
All followers of Jesus go through it. In that sense,
my mom's change of heart over time is understandable. My
uncle and cousins took it all in quietly. The tragedy
of the whole thing hung in the air. What could
they say? It was time to test my theories. Remember
(27:31):
the inheritance, check the disappearing train set and the unnecessary roadmap.
And so I tried to go backwards and try to
piece this together. Right. So there was a couple of
things that I thought maybe I don't want to ask
you about that maybe would explain some tension there. Okay.
So your mom passes away. My parents said that your
mom had had a checking account your dad didn't know about.
(27:54):
And so the two of you received a check for
$500 from a bank randomly. Do you remember this?
S2 (28:02):
No.
S4 (28:03):
Or at least our dad did.
S3 (28:05):
He didn't mention his.
S1 (28:05):
Brother like Bill.
S3 (28:06):
And. Yeah, so, like. So like you and my dad
received a check because your mom had written you guys
in as the beneficiaries of her account. And 500 bucks
in the seventies was a big deal.
S2 (28:18):
I don't know.
S3 (28:18):
Yeah, well, right. Yeah, well, they were for young. A
young couple. And so we figure out what happened. And
so I guess they called your dad and they were like, wow,
this is great. Thank you so much for this. And
he goes, You need to give that to me.
S2 (28:33):
No, really.
S3 (28:35):
He asked for the money.
S2 (28:35):
Back to check.
S3 (28:38):
It came from the bank, but he said, All you
need to give this to me. It's mine.
S4 (28:42):
Do you really?
S3 (28:43):
I mean, I'm not quoting him here, but essentially he
asked for it back, however he did it. Oh. And
so my parents were offended by this, obviously. But then,
I guess to make it even more awkward, your dad
wrote them a check for $500, later, gave it back
to him and said, spend this wisely.
S1 (29:03):
So that your mom and dad did.
S3 (29:04):
And they got it. So they gave it back. And
then he gave it back again. And said, now spend this.
S2 (29:10):
Right now giving it back. Yeah. You must not. I
don't remember. You don't remember that? No.
S4 (29:14):
But how do we know that, Tom?
S3 (29:15):
That we don't know what you got? It just.
S2 (29:18):
Dad was the bank. I didn't get a five, and
I got 2000.
S4 (29:21):
And I need anyway. Need better.
S2 (29:27):
Vitamins. Good boy. You know, I must have $500 check.
I remember that. I mean, it must I interpret right away.
S1 (29:37):
Yeah, maybe she snagged it.
S3 (29:39):
Well, it was a loan.
S1 (29:40):
Don't you think your dad would have said, like, if
he asked for it back from your dad.
S4 (29:44):
If the other one.
S1 (29:45):
Got it, like one of seven? Yes, you.
S2 (29:48):
Might think so. He.
S1 (29:49):
Did you get $500 in the mail? That's my money,
or I give it everything else.
S2 (29:53):
I must say.
S3 (29:54):
Does that shock you that your dad would do that?
You're like, I can't believe my dad did that.
S2 (29:58):
Okay, that's pretty sad. This would be.
S3 (30:02):
So. But it seems like you're a little surprised by it, though.
It's not like it was in character for him to go.
S2 (30:06):
Oh.
S3 (30:06):
Yeah, give me that. It's mine.
S2 (30:08):
Yeah, it is surprising. I mean, that's that's not right.
S3 (30:12):
Well, as you can see, men in my family use
humor to break tension, but the mystery thickens. Either my
uncle didn't get an inheritance check or he doesn't remember.
Is it possible that my grandmother made my dad the
only beneficiary of an account? Could it be that my
grandfather only asked for the money back from my dad?
(30:33):
Or is it something time caused to slip from my
uncle's mind? I'll never know. The one revelation I can
cling to in this is that he thinks it was
out of character for my grandfather to do something like that.
It was on to theory number two, the disappearing train set.
The other one is what happened to the train set?
S2 (30:56):
I wish we still had. I think we sold it
off piecemeal or sold as a group. I mean, these
are full size cars. My dad had to play with
that basement. Very welcome. I heard everybody we played down there,
these things. I mean, they're good size. Each year we
get a car for Christmas and locomotives in the slope.
Come on, you drop the bill. We had the controls
(31:18):
like this. Wow. It's a big deal. It gets people
over all the time. And you remember it?
S1 (31:22):
Yeah. We played double.
S2 (31:24):
And took up most of the basement on that one
side and the other side of the washtub, the freezer.
It was very cool. I mean, those were nice gifts
to get every year at one of them. And I
don't know, I think we.
S3 (31:37):
Was it in the attic or something when he passed
or where?
S2 (31:39):
Oh, I don't know. It was an estate sale or
what we did, but I think we sold it though.
We did. Somebody come downstairs and look at it. They
just said, Oh yeah, I'll take this the most I
most certainly old with it.
S3 (31:53):
Because I don't.
S2 (31:54):
Know how much we got for it, but I don't
even remember what it was.
S3 (31:59):
And the reason.
S2 (32:00):
Was that the dollars with the cars.
S3 (32:02):
Well, but the reason I ask is because as I
was trying to figure out what took place, one of
the things that my parents remembered was when we were little,
they went over to see him, obviously a little because
they talked or something. And my mom or dad or
one of them said something to him. Right, because I
guess he wasn't using it much later on. I don't
know what was going on. He's getting old. Yeah. And
so she goes. They were like, Well, you know, Tommy's
(32:23):
got two girls. We got two boys. Maybe your, you know,
your grandsons would like to have some of the train
set or something. And, you know, I was a little
forward to ask him for the train set, but they
essentially asked him for it. And I guess the next
time they came over, it was got like packed on schedule.
S2 (32:41):
So he had packed it up.
S3 (32:43):
They put it this is the story that my parents
gave me and I have no memory. And now my
my mom and dad didn't say these things happened and therefore.
S1 (32:52):
Set up one. Well, he came to look again.
S2 (32:55):
I see.
S1 (32:55):
Them. Or maybe it was in the attic.
S2 (32:57):
Yeah, I don't. I must say, I don't remember.
S3 (33:04):
I had one more theory to test the unnecessary road map.
And then the little one I remember, too, is, I
guess when my parents moved to Burnsville, they invited him
over for a birthday or something birthday party. And my
dad gave directions. I thought this was art, so he
really was not satisfied with those. So he went to
triple-A and got a trip ticket to drive from his
(33:27):
house to the.
S2 (33:28):
Rest of our world. Was in Paris, in France. I mean,
you know, doing the burns, come on.
S3 (33:33):
I mean, so that forever.
S2 (33:34):
Queen in Catalan was, what, 494 in France? I mean,
our world was so small back.
S3 (33:39):
So that wasn't weird.
S2 (33:41):
Oh, I can seem to get lost in birdsong. Oh, sure.
But then the go to trip finally got to get
a trip to. Oh, it's a trip.
S1 (33:47):
What's that?
S2 (33:47):
We don't even know.
S3 (33:48):
Yeah, we had him as a kid. When? When we went. What?
At least it's like a map where someone highlights for
you and then you've got the pants on.
S2 (33:55):
It's like jeeps, and you just see the bridge, and
here I am, and they're wonderful.
S3 (33:59):
Like, you went and had a map professionally created for
him to get to our house.
S2 (34:03):
And you imagine.
S3 (34:04):
And so it's either he's that uncomfortable driving and do
it directions or he didn't trust my dad's directions. I
don't know which one it was.
S2 (34:09):
I think he was uncomfortable driving.
S3 (34:11):
That must have been what it was.
S2 (34:12):
Oh, yeah. He didn't know how to get to.
S3 (34:16):
You know, I felt really good about those theories when
I developed them. Didn't they sound like they made sense?
At this point, all three are either partially deflated or
completely irrelevant. Or worse, just unanswerable. What's left. Grasping for answers.
I cut right to the heart of it. So did
(34:39):
he ever say things like, So what's Bill up to?
Or what are the grandsons doing?
S2 (34:46):
No.
S3 (34:49):
Then. Come on. So he didn't ever ask about us or.
Or you didn't or Dianne did say like, what are
you doing? Tom Senior. You guys got to work this out.
S1 (35:06):
Well, maybe Mom would say something.
S2 (35:07):
Or she would say, yeah. I mean, she didn't hold back.
That's good. Yeah.
S1 (35:12):
I guess. All right.
S3 (35:16):
Does that strike you as odd?
S2 (35:18):
Oh, yeah.
S1 (35:19):
Huh? Either. Yeah.
S3 (35:21):
Does it surprise you, though? This is an interesting bit
about your dad. Like what? What is it about a guy?
I mean, for my own dad.
S2 (35:27):
So how do you know? He didn't ask about anybody else,
and they didn't seem to show any emotion about it.
S1 (35:33):
And then I'll write to see if he'd be like.
Have you talked to Bill lately?
S3 (35:36):
Yeah. How's he doing? He never asked about us. I
wish I knew why. I was hoping for a dramatic revelation.
A simple explanation, perhaps. No dice. But after reconnecting with
my uncle and cousins, I walked away with conflicting emotions. First,
(36:01):
they're wonderful people. It was uplifting just to spend a
few hours with them. And trust me on this, you'd
want to have them as your friends. And yet I
also walked away heartbroken over all the lost years of
not knowing them over how much I really don't know
(36:22):
them now. But that's not all I walked away with.
I've got three new clues on my journey towards making
sense of this seemingly unexplainable discernment and familial separation. First
the phone call. My grandmother unexpectedly passed away at the
(36:43):
age of 60 on December 31st, 1975. I asked my
uncle about it and he shared his memory of that
terrible day. Now listen carefully. I didn't pick up on
this small detail until I went back to put this
podcast series together.
S2 (36:59):
Then I got a call. New Year's Eve, 75, whatever
it was, we're in the first little house in Alabama
and having a New Year's Eve party. I get a
call all sudden. Got to go to California. And I
remember I said, well, I don't have any money. It's
midnight in 75.
S1 (37:19):
Years, Eve. You're probably drunk.
S2 (37:20):
No friend of mine was there a jerk? Slut. And
he gave me $100 and, you know, he had money
on him. And I said, okay, thank you. That's when
I called Bill and we had a half a plane
to go to San Francisco to help my dad bring
her back. And she's dead.
S3 (37:35):
So you're dead. Pretty torn up about that.
S2 (37:38):
Yeah. As little emotion as it shows. I mean, but
it you know, it moved a bit.
S3 (37:45):
My dad does remember much of it either. He said
he remembered your dad calling a friend and he broke
up a little bit, cried a little bit. But that's
the only time he showed emotion about it.
S2 (37:56):
I would agree.
S3 (37:59):
Did you hear it? Let's zero in on the specific detail.
S2 (38:04):
That's when I called Bill and we had a half
a plane to go to San Francisco to help my
dad bring her back. And she did.
S3 (38:12):
Could it be that my dad found out his mother
unexpectedly passed away on the other side of the country
from his brother. Now, my uncle's words don't necessarily mean
this is the case. After all, he could have simply
been calling my dad to coordinate flights to California. So
I texted my dad to see whether my suspicions were correct. Unfortunately.
(38:37):
I was right. My dad received two phone calls at
work the day his mom died. One was to let
him know that his mom had a heart attack on
the plane ride back from Hawaii and that she was
in bad shape. The second call broke the tragic news
that she was dead. Now, one of the calls came
from his brother and the other came from his uncle Marshall.
(39:00):
He's not 100% sure who made which call, but he's
confident about one thing his dad didn't call. Is that
what you would do if your wife died? Have one
of your kids break the news to the other kids.
But don't get me wrong, it'd be the hardest phone
calls of my life. But I'd insist on telling all
(39:22):
of my children about it personally. It's the terrible but
undeniable responsibility of any parent. I know it's a little thing,
but from what you've already learned, doesn't it sound a
little bit consistent in terms of my grandfather? There seems
to be this thread woven through his life of not
(39:43):
being too concerned about other people. The second clue flings
open the curtain of my grandpa Tom's Alzheimer's disease. All
I've ever known about it was the crisis incident that
ended up necessitating him being admitted to a nursing facility.
As it turns out, there were many other symptoms and incidents.
S2 (40:07):
We could tell he was really gone. Or I could tell.
And then we went over to the bigger list for
a dinner or just sort of like the poster my
dad is supposed to drive over because he was living
at 3940 cho my house used saw him was. Where's.
I don't know where he is. So when I'm looking
for his driver, he was coming down 54th all the
(40:28):
way across to finally kind of teams up with Alexa
cause he was lost. He didn't know where anything was.
S3 (40:34):
Didn't recognize you?
S2 (40:36):
Yeah, but it. You could tell it. But anyway, my
next former next door neighbor, Joyce Schreiber, her very nice lady,
would keep me up to date on what's going on.
She goes, Your dad's down the corner. He thinks the
bus is there. Okay. Just standing on the corner.
S3 (40:55):
Waiting for the bus. Yeah.
S2 (40:57):
And some guy was over trying to literally sell them
siding or something when he was there by himself. You
just said the house painted. This guy was putting pressure on.
He had talked to Joyce, a Gia guy just came by.
He was very nice. He was but citing and she
was telling me to set the house payment. Then, you know,
there was something I mean, my dad needed needed help.
(41:21):
You know, I go through the checkbook. I was a co-signer.
And I see all these entries that, you know, VFW
or some or some donation. $5 here. I mean, ten entries,
$5 each. And, you know, there are telltale signs. You
can tell when someone's gonna lose that. And so I
(41:42):
had to get a lawyer and and become the executor
of his person and the estate, because that's the only
way you can commit somebody. And I was responsible for
paying the bills and blah, blah, blah. And yeah, you
just go, I'm afraid the storm's going to be on him.
He's going to kill himself. That's when, you know, you
(42:03):
had to get him committed. And but he didn't do
it willingly. I would say no, but he didn't know
what was going on. I took him downtown to the
hospital and it was all pseudo appointment because he went
upstairs to a shrink and they asked him appropriate questions.
You know, who's the president? How did you get here?
(42:24):
And he couldn't answer anything appropriately. They said he's not
leaving the hospital. I want to talk for a show
or something. Bill was very instrumental in getting, with the
help of a social worker, trying to find a place
for him. And that's where he was. But when you
first put him in the place, I remember he would go, well,
is this my home? Yes. Now, well, I'll get my suitcase.
(42:44):
I want to go back home. How far is that
from here? I know about 20 miles. Then he goes, okay,
that's okay. He kept thinking he didn't realize it was permanent.
S3 (42:53):
By far the most jarring revelation had nothing to do
with my grandfather. The third and final clue in the
breakdown of my family relationships was actually about my dad.
Without any prompting. Out of nowhere, my uncle revealed decades
of hurt he'd been feeling. But they were. They close
(43:14):
your dad and his brother.
S2 (43:17):
Not to my knowledge.
S1 (43:20):
So runs in the family.
S4 (43:22):
Right.
S1 (43:23):
But you know, you and your brother.
S2 (43:26):
Well, yeah, it's terrible. We haven't talked for a long time.
I I'll tell you two, I. I really got upset. Oh,
Diane and I took care of my dad and clean
the house up and got it ready. And where is Bill?
I he never asked me. Is there anything I can do?
(43:49):
I really took offense to that. And that's one of
the things, you know, I'm a big boy. You know,
I should I should have called you did years ago.
And he commands the system. Let me tell you my problems.
And quiet. I'll talk to him. But I she's we're.
We're going to clean it. Dad's bathroom up for sale. Oh,
(44:10):
Dad worked your butt off in the tub, you know? Anyway,
just getting the house ready for sale and think about
it now is so easy to sell at 105,000. Let
it go for two, 300,000 and never have. No, on
that one. I was so proud. Oh, right. But it
just wasn't any big, you know, it sold so quick
and well and then we divided because it put the
(44:33):
money in the checkbook or something and we got 50%
of bill kept asking, where's the money? Where's the money? Well, what? Well,
I mean, we're still trying to figure this out and
that really upset me. And where's the money? What am
I getting my check on? Take it easy. Maybe I'm
(44:54):
still grieving over. You know, I don't know what it was,
but I you know, I was. I really screwed up
at the time anyway, and I still haven't. But I mean,
it's terrible to not see your kids grow up and
talk to them.
S3 (45:07):
My heart was racing. I had no idea my uncle
was holding on to hurt for 30 years. I was
so focused on my grandfather disowning us that I hadn't
even considered what this reality had done to the relationship
between my dad and his only brother. And the man
he was describing doesn't sound anything like my father. The
(45:28):
dad I know is selfless, hardworking, ready to help an
all around, incredible guy. But I get it from my
uncle's perspective. His feelings are valid. It makes sense. If
I were in his shoes, I'd be hurt too. Interestingly,
my cousins seemed caught off guard by all this as well.
(45:50):
I don't think they ever heard this from their dad before.
We were all uncomfortable enough in the moment that we
drifted to another subject pretty quickly, you know, the whole
dolphin humor thing. But there was more to say. My
cousin Kelly brought us back to the issue at hand
with a question for my brother and me.
S1 (46:08):
Well, I was going to say. Has your dad ever
mentioned you guys or said anything about why him and
Dan don't talk like.
S3 (46:17):
We've asked over the years and because.
S4 (46:19):
We've asked. I don't think there's ever really an answer.
There's never.
S3 (46:21):
Really a good.
S4 (46:22):
I don't think there's like cause that I don't feel
like there is a reason.
S1 (46:25):
Because my mother lives on the floor. What do you mean?
Your Uncle Bill lives in Vermont and your dad doesn't
see him, and he lives in LA. And it's just like.
It's like a, you know, because my mother in law's like,
she's more of a social life. I think that I do.
But it's like, well, it's always like.
S2 (46:41):
Oh, is there anything else that I really, you know,
I'm a big boy and I can pick up the phone.
But I you know, I think I became so distant
after he died in the house, you know, involvement on
his part. And I because I took offense to that and.
S3 (47:01):
I don't blame me for that. Tom And.
S2 (47:03):
That's, I think really why I haven't talked to him.
And it's criminal because come on, get over it. Just
get over it. You know, I. I go first, Bill.
I mean, we're out raking when it's snowing literally, and
moving snow, cleaning the house. And, you know, I didn't
expect him to be shoulder to shoulder with me, but
never got a call. Can we help you with the house?
(47:25):
What's going on? Oh, I don't know. We just seem
to be alone taking care of this person or his estate.
S4 (47:34):
And you were.
S2 (47:36):
And I was. And I resented that. And shame on me, but. Well,
it's understandable. Pick up the phone and talk to your
brother about it and get it over with. And so
I've because of my attitude, I've always felt that. I've
restricted the girls in seeing their cousins. No one's seen anybody.
(47:58):
No one knows what's going on. Facebook doesn't mean that
distant relatives. I mean, it's a crime and it's not right.
S1 (48:07):
And I know personally, my kids, I'm like, well, Jacob
are my only cousins. You know, Grampy said, you know where?
They've met my big little cousins and they've been to
Mark Antinous house. And, you know, so we'll say, Well,
this is my cousin John or Joe or Cass, you know,
and then they'll there he'll hear about all these other cousins.
And then they were like, Who were you? A couple
were cousins in our day. And it's like, whose house
(48:29):
are you going to? Yeah. And then I'm like, Oh,
we'll have to see. And I know what I'm like.
And Jacob, doesn't you live that far?
S3 (48:37):
My faith made me feel compelled to be a mediator
of sorts in this moment. So I stumbled into a
feeble attempt. But I get it from your perspective, Tom.
I mean, I get it, although I'm not certain my
dad is capable of and not in like he's dumb,
but like, I don't know that he has the capacity
(49:01):
to be able to call and say, Dad, let's talk. Like,
I just don't think that's who he is. I mean,
he's what like you said, he wrote a letter to
his father and said, calling him you like that? Yeah.
What are you doing? Forgetting the cards. It's crazy.
S1 (49:14):
Yeah.
S3 (49:14):
Yeah, which could have been over in a few minutes, but, like,
I just don't know that he has the IQ to
be able to even. Like, I don't even know if
he knew that you were doing stuff alone, that he
would have known how to call it ask. It goes both.
Is that fair, do you think?
S2 (49:30):
You know, it goes both ways. How about it?
S1 (49:31):
Even like now, like today, like in, you know, just
calling to say, hey, what's wrong?
S4 (49:36):
It's hard, right? But every day that goes by, it's
just a little.
S3 (49:37):
More awkward, you.
S1 (49:38):
Know? Yeah. But did you say sometimes you guys do, like,
send an email or not to bill? I know, I know,
I know.
S2 (49:49):
I mean, if I have bills, email, address.
S3 (49:52):
Did you let that sink in? He doesn't even have
his only brother's email address, so here I am. I
didn't solve anything. And now I'm left with even more
layers to the mystery and newly discovered paint. If only
(50:13):
I could track down someone else who knew my grandfather,
someone else with insights into his life and his personality.
But how in the world can I do that? When
my dad only had one brother and both of his
parents have been dead for decades? Well, I found a
way and I'll explain in the next episode.
We never heard from him again.
S2 (00:02):
No letter, no call, no contact. That's very possible that
I played a leading role.
S3 (00:07):
In what happened here. We got to satisfy one. Five seven.
S1 (00:13):
This is it. I think it's an incredible story. I
guess I kept wondering why everybody didn't address the elephant.
S4 (00:20):
In the room.
S3 (00:21):
I'm Brian Donlon, and this is the grandfather effect. Hey there.
It's Brian. I want to hit pause on this episode
to ask you for two quick favors. First. Don't forget
to subscribe to and follow this podcast so you never
miss an episode. And second, would you consider sharing the
(00:41):
grandfather effect with a few of your friends? You know,
word of mouth marketing is the best thing out there.
And if you like what you hear, we'd be so
grateful for you to help us spread the word about
the grandfather effect. Tell your friends to find out more
information at Moody Radio Dawgs slash grandfather again. Moody Radio
(01:01):
Dawg slash grandfather. Thanks. Let's get back to the episode.
Let's go back in time for a second. When it
was first conceived in the 1790s, Cleveland's Public Square quietly
served its purpose as the center of city life, a
destination for the monument and the monumental, the spontaneous and
(01:25):
the scheduled. Now, flash forward to April 28, 1865. We're
in the same spot, Cleveland's public square. Shortly after arriving
by train, a lead lined solid walnut box with sterling
silver handles was carefully lowered into a horse drawn carriage.
(01:48):
Despite its beauty and craftsmanship, it was covered that day
by a large black silk cloth. It was draped as
a solemn expression of mourning by 9:15 a.m.. That horse
drawn hearse arrived at Public Square. It was carrying a body,
the dead body of President Abraham Lincoln. Where else in
(02:12):
Cleveland would you hold a public viewing for the slain president?
It rained all day. At times, there was a downpour.
And yet, two moving lines of mourners passed by Lincoln's
body all day long. By 6 p.m.. 90,000 people had
waited their turn to spend a few moments paying their respects.
(02:34):
At the time, the population of Cleveland was only about 43,000.
Then there was April 29th, 1879. Inventor Charles F Brush
was an educated Clevelander. He was particularly fascinated with electricity
and would eventually invent something called an arc lamp. It
(02:56):
supposedly burned as bright as 4000 candles. Now, clearly, nobody
would want what's basically a spotlight in their living room.
But what if cities could use his invention to light
up their streets at night? So in a brilliant marketing
stunt that garnered international attention, Charles Brush conducted a public
demonstration of what would become known as street lights. Now,
(03:20):
where did he choose to stage this dramatic moment? Public square,
of course. And soon Cleveland became the first city in
America with electric street lights. So on another April morning,
over 130 years later, I found myself circling that same place,
public square, in search of a different kind of history
(03:43):
and a parking spot.
S1 (03:46):
Continue on.
S3 (03:47):
If you've gotten this far in the series, do you
know I'm trying to unravel the mystery. Why in the
world would my Grandpa Tom disown us over something as
trivial as a birthday card? I've quizzed my parents at length.
I developed some theories, but there are so many missing pieces,
far too many to draw any reliable conclusions. I need
(04:09):
more information.
S1 (04:10):
Nation is on the right.
S3 (04:11):
And after a little digging online, I found something, apparently
an obscure book published in 1923 called History of Minneapolis
Gateway to the Northwest. Included a brief biographical sketch of
my great grandfather, Oscar Henry Dolin. And as the Lord
would have it, the Cleveland Public Library supposedly has a
(04:33):
copy in the main library complex just around the corner
from Public Square. Before I knew it, I was wandering
in the front door of the library with information about
the book printed out on a piece of paper. Now,
a long time ago in an elementary school far, far away,
I I'd learned how to use the Dewey Decimal System.
But that skill, it was gone. I'd need help to
(04:55):
decode the coordinates of the book. Hey, they're hoping you
can help me with something. I've got a particular book
I'm looking for. I don't even know where to start.
To go find it. It's a history book, I guess.
And the history winning or something. Sixth floor of this building. Okay.
I hurried across the large atrium to the elevators. It
made my way to the sixth floor. Of course, being
(05:18):
completely inept at finding library books, I was immediately lost again.
After more help from another librarian, I discovered that the
book wasn't shelved in an area open to the public.
So I waited while they graciously fetched me the book
that likely hadn't been touched in at least 50 years,
if ever. The book was organized in three enormous volumes.
(05:47):
The first was an exhaustive, orderly examination of the history
of the city of Minneapolis, Minnesota. A page turner, I'm sure.
But oddly, volumes two and three were composed entirely of
brief biographical profiles of influential residents of the city. Thousands
of people. And on pages five, 65 and five, 66
(06:11):
of Volume two, there it was 375 words about my
great grandfather, Oscar Henry Dolin. Sure. That's not much, but
it's about 370 more words than my dad could recite
about him. Here's a taste of what it said. A
(06:31):
native of Minneapolis. His birth occurred on the 21st of December, 1885.
A son of John and Margaret Dolan, both natives of Sweden.
Upon putting his textbooks aside, he secured a job in
the Printing Office of the Tribune and was in that
employ most of the time until he started in business
on his own account. He established his present business in 1903,
(06:55):
and in 1914 it was incorporated under the name of
the Stalin Printing Company. He's always been president, and his
executive ability and keen business foresight and sagacity have been
prime factors in its continued success. Mr. Dolan has given
his staunch support to the Republican Party and the principles
for which it stands. Mr. Donlin has gained a reputation
(07:18):
for straightforward business dealings and civic loyalty, and no man
in the city is more highly esteemed for his integrity
and sterling worth. Those are bold words. Was that truly
his reputation in the city of Minneapolis? And who wrote them?
Or did he write and submit them himself? I sure
(07:39):
hope not. No man in this city is more highly
esteemed for his integrity and sterling worth. Apparently in the 1920s,
it wasn't necessary to publish attribution for biographical sketches in
books like this other than the editor of the first volume.
No credit is given as to who wrote the other two.
(08:00):
In the end, we can't know for sure what role
Oscar played in writing his own biographical sketch. I've learned
a lot. But this doesn't bring me any closer to
solving the mystery of the birthday card, disowning it. As
far as I can see it, I've only got one
option left. My uncle is in his seventies and still
(08:22):
lives in the Minneapolis area. I haven't spoken to him
in at least ten years, probably closer to 15. But
make no mistake, Tom Junior is a great guy. I've
only spent time with him on a few occasions, but
I have wonderful memories of a sense of humor and
jovial personality. For whatever reason, he and my dad just
aren't that close. But as you heard my mom say
(08:44):
in the last episode, it's her impression that Tom Jr
and his two daughters saw Grandpa Tom regularly. The only
way to learn more about him is to break a
decade of silence and see if he talk to me
and convince him to let me record the conversation. But
how do you just pick up a phone and quiz
your long lost uncle about his personal life? His dad?
(09:07):
Isn't that a conversation that's better had in person face
to face? So with both skill and finesse, I wrangled
my inner cheapskate and secured a flight to Minneapolis and
with an equal measure of linguistic gymnastics, I persuaded my
uncle and two cousins to meet with me over breakfast
to talk about Grandpa Tom. My parents were out of town,
(09:30):
so I commandeered their house as our designated meeting place
the morning of our get together. I decided to do
some reflecting before everyone arrived. It's 847 on Saturday, February 15th.
This is the day. And as awkward as it is, I.
I can't believe I'm here. I'm sitting in my parent's
kitchen in Burnsville, Minnesota. Got in last night awkwardly, tried
(09:56):
to put together a brunch because I've got my two
cousins and my uncle coming over and my brother and
a little bit over an hour to sit through and
talk about all these things, get a little nervous energy.
I honestly don't know what I'm going to find out.
I would hope that the explanation is simple, and when
(10:17):
I say simple, I hope that the explanation is that
he just wasn't a nice person. Wouldn't that be the
easiest thing that he just was kind of callous and
uncaring and that just explains the whole thing? I'm a
little fearful that we're going to discover that he was
heartbroken or confused. You know, Lord, I just pray that
(10:40):
you would give me the wisdom to know what to say.
Demeanor to be kind and gentle and respectful and honoring
of my grandfather and any possible family conflict I'll uncover.
And Lord, I ask that you might bring us some
answers if it's possible. That's me nervously whistling while I
(11:03):
finish cooking sausages. I was about to discover that the
only real awkwardness was me.
S4 (11:13):
Hello. Hello. Good. How are you? Hey, how are you? Yes,
you're welcome.
S3 (11:20):
You see, my cousins Nicole and Kelly are gracious, kind,
successful and intelligent women without any difficulty. We settled into
casual conversation. We laughed, we got caught up. My uncle
wasted no time cracking jokes and my brother was chatty
or the next to get breakfast out of the oven here.
(11:41):
After about 30 minutes of this, I could tell that
everyone started wondering when I'd get on with it. I
took the hint, put the recorder in the middle of
the table and managed to squeeze out some sort of
cumbersome transition.
S2 (11:52):
So they're not.
S3 (11:53):
Known for their good teeth. So thank you for letting
me pick your brains and stuff for this stuff.
S1 (12:00):
Yeah.
S3 (12:01):
I appreciate it.
S2 (12:02):
What's the back story? Okay, good.
S1 (12:05):
Yeah. So we need a back story.
S3 (12:09):
So the back story was it was probably like five
or six years ago. You don't even you know, he
barely showed up today. I don't even know what to say.
So we were we were like like in a rental house,
in a lake somewhere with his family, my family and
my parents. And we put all the kids to bed
and we're sitting around staring at our phones, not saying anything.
S1 (12:30):
Yeah. Isn't that the normal? Yeah, I hate it.
S3 (12:32):
And I was like, Well, I'm going to start a
conversation here.
S4 (12:34):
Yeah.
S3 (12:35):
Try to get this guy to say something. And so
I just go look at my dad. I go, All right, yeah.
I'd like to hear your parents love story. How did
they meet each other? He goes, I don't know. And
I was like, okay, well, that's not not an acceptable answer.
S2 (12:50):
Yeah, but he said, No.
S1 (12:53):
Do you know?
S3 (12:53):
I said, How do they know I'm in this over here?
S1 (12:56):
It's your turn.
S3 (12:58):
Because I said, That's not acceptable. Answer How do you
not know how your parents, Matt.
S2 (13:02):
And Tom meet? I Well, it's a great question. I
don't know.
S3 (13:06):
Do they not talk about it?
S2 (13:10):
No, they never talked about it. I guess we were
not inquisitive enough to ask, but you know, you came
back from the war and they lived in an apartment
down on Bryant and.
S3 (13:22):
But they met before the war, right?
S2 (13:25):
Yeah. There's some pictures here. You might find some of
these interesting.
S3 (13:28):
Oh, definitely.
S2 (13:29):
Well, most of them were more pictures and grandma. But
I don't I don't remember the story. Did they meet
at a dancer? I don't know.
S3 (13:39):
Do you know your parents story? I tried to.
S1 (13:41):
One day they met on a blind date. Mm hmm.
S3 (13:43):
I know my parents love story. As you heard, my
cousins quickly declared their parents love story in unison. But
my dad and his brother have no idea how their
parents met. So strange. But maybe he knows more than
my dad about their grandfather, Oscar Henry Dolin.
S2 (14:04):
His dad, Oscar started the print company, I think did
very well. He had a place, a cabin up north.
Wherever up north is. And I never got that. They
take a big car with a running board to sign
the dog and the tiger. And he and Grandma Helen
was his wife. And Oscar always had money well thought
(14:27):
of in Minneapolis. And the cops always stop there for
hot coffee. Goes to Israel and Glenwood Springs. The target
center is them. I never met my grandfather.
S3 (14:35):
He died in 37, I believe is what it was.
S1 (14:38):
Really?
S2 (14:39):
Yeah, I was young, I think maybe 50 or something.
I don't know what he was. I never met him.
S3 (14:44):
So what do you know about Oscar? Anything? No. Like, zilch.
S2 (14:49):
Nothing other than an act. I mean, it's sad, but
I mean. Oh, yeah, grandfather. Well, there were never any
pictures of the cabin or up north or.
S3 (14:58):
So did people share that with you or like. Thompson
And I'm going to tell you about our story.
S2 (15:02):
No.
S3 (15:03):
No reminiscing. No picture of their family legacy. Was it
that Oskar was cold and disconnected and passed that onto
his sons? Clearly my uncle didn't know. The next step
would be to see what he can recall about his
own dad. Starting with the printing company he and his
brother Marshall inherited after their dad, Oscar passed away unexpectedly
(15:25):
at a young age.
S2 (15:27):
41. One would we'd go down there and play, and
Bill and I would run around the back and steal pencils.
So my dad took care of the books and employees
and that stuff. And Marsh was more of the guy
stirring up business with customers and very successful, didn't he?
One of his best friends was Ray Nelson, and Ray
Nelson was the car manager at Warren Cadillac. And we
(15:52):
always had Cadillacs. He always said, Tom, we've got a
great one. And I always use card. Look, Brando. So
then we he decided he and mom decided to buy
a travel trailer, 16 foot chest, a trailer. One of
the tour guides put a bumper on your car. That's
some great trips. Well, that was predicated because we went
on vacation, southwest and stuff, spent so much money on hotels.
(16:15):
I mean, they just both shot back in the fifties
because it was in the late fifties. We both complain.
I remember I always complain because it would take me
away from baseball going on these trips. And I look
at I go, which is right. And they were wonderful trips.
S3 (16:30):
What was the car ride like when you were driving
for a week's car ride? Oh, everybody's just sitting there silent, always.
S2 (16:37):
Playing games in the back or beating each other up or,
you know, doing something. But.
S3 (16:40):
So was it your mom had you do that or
your dad did?
S2 (16:43):
I think my mom.
S1 (16:45):
She liked to.
S2 (16:45):
She was more of the political director. You always afraid
of your dad? Get mad. But she was the disciplinarian.
Bill and I chase around the dining room. You remember
you were never in our house. I don't remember. There
there's a dining room and a table to table. I
have no. But we'd run around and on a Saturday
and I'd just chase and make him cry. And my
(17:07):
dad was outside. And then you come in and just
turn into one.
S3 (17:12):
And because my dad has no memory of your dad, like,
raising his voice or anything.
S2 (17:18):
He rarely did. He had to give you the look like, Oh,
my God, he's hit me with a pipe or something.
But he he was he was pretty mellow. In the end.
He would never give us the car, get your license.
You're going to get struck. Now, I may need to
go to the store. Really? 8:00 in the. You go
to the store? Well.
S1 (17:37):
Maybe, you know.
S2 (17:39):
Your mom and I mean, we're going to go over
the wall. Is this okay? I mean, they were good
parents and providing and they always had money. Get a
kick out. You read my mama check every Saturday or
something like that was her allowance. You write a check? Never.
Never exchange cash. He wrote her a check.
S3 (17:57):
That's great. All right, honey.
S2 (17:58):
I saw is a check in on it already down.
And I don't know, maybe was $70 or so it's
supposed to last two weeks? Well, she gets her hair done.
What's that? 35 bucks. Well, there it goes. And then
supposed to buy groceries or, you know, I don't know
how she did it. She. She bought the groceries. He
didn't he was like, typical guy. Just sit in the
car and wait for her to come out.
S3 (18:19):
But yeah, he was like that classic 1950s thing. And
my dad was saying, it's like the, you know, you
come home from work, you read the paper, Oh, stop
doing that, kids.
S4 (18:28):
You know.
S3 (18:29):
That's interesting. So it's not just my dad. My Uncle
Tom has vague recollections of their childhood that include Mom
as the disciplinarian and dad as rather disconnected. Nothing new there.
Maybe the memories of my cousins would shed some light
on my mysterious grandfather. What's he like to take out
(18:50):
for ice cream? Kind of grandpa. Come on, girls. Oh, no,
it's Grandpa. Come sit on my lap and read your story.
S1 (18:57):
I mean, I just remember him coming over for holidays
and him driving that big car.
S2 (19:02):
They always had Cadillacs. Yeah, I always had cameras.
S1 (19:05):
Feel like I always remember him in, like, a button
down shirt or a suit or something.
S2 (19:08):
This idea of a weekend was some kind of fly
away shirt. Yeah. And Ebola type?
S1 (19:13):
Yeah, like a sport coat on.
S2 (19:15):
Little leather bullets. And God damn, you can only to
do something.
S1 (19:20):
Like he was never the type that he never wore.
Just a plain old t. Like I always feel like
every morning. Yeah, every picture just.
S2 (19:28):
Says sleeveless t shirt. You know, that's all he had.
S1 (19:30):
I just remember him being dressed. He always looked. He. Yeah.
Dressed up a lot. Like, not a real.
S3 (19:37):
Casual. Was he talkative with you to tell me about school?
S1 (19:41):
Oh, he probably. I don't know. I'm sure he did
like to chat. I don't know a little bit.
S3 (19:46):
But they seem very interested in knowing you and and
knowing what you're doing. And I can't wait to go
see a cheer, Nicole and.
S1 (19:53):
Oh, no, no, no, no.
S4 (19:55):
Mm.
S3 (19:56):
So now my. My mom's dad was the guy who
would sit in the corner and not talk to anybody.
It was awkward. He was an awkward guy, but so
he was chatting with he wasn't necessarily really interested in
you girls.
S1 (20:07):
But he would chit chat with the adults. Right?
S2 (20:10):
Yes. Social gatherings, small talk. I mean, he wasn't the
center of attention by any means or cracking jokes, like.
S1 (20:17):
Like you certainly do.
S3 (20:18):
So he was not cracking jokes. My dad said he
had a DC like to laugh, but.
S2 (20:23):
Now he's probably laughing at me.
S3 (20:27):
Now it's not all sunshine and roses. My uncle clearly
wasn't a fan of his dad's decision to retire really
early from work because your dad had to retire early
because of his blood pressure or something.
S2 (20:40):
Yeah, he had blood pressure and I guess he retired
and I don't remember that. Well, yeah, that's right. Cause
then he'd be home. Mom would work. Here's Dad at home.
I remember we did dinner in TV trays, a Swanson
turkey dinner for someone. Dad fixed them because we come
off of school. I watched your dad do. I didn't
(21:00):
do anything for a mom or she had two jobs
when she worked well. She was the secretary to the
vice president of the Grain Exchange for General Mills. And
if that wasn't enough, then she worked part time at
some temp place, would take the bus home and maybe
bring chow mein from the mannequin on sixth and on
(21:22):
sixth street. Seventh Street. It was called the Nanking. Wonderful Chinese.
She'd bring it home in the bus.
S1 (21:29):
I remember. And then you use this used to say,
you see, you're kind of mad at your dad because
you're like my mom working two jobs.
S2 (21:35):
Yeah. And then she had to have a pacemaker put in.
S1 (21:37):
Yeah.
S2 (21:38):
You know, she. She worked hard. And here's a dance
at the moment. What was it? A little blood pressure.
I got blood pressure. I take a pill every day,
you know, but I.
S3 (21:49):
So what's the story there? Like, why did so he.
He just retired early and then just was hanging out.
S2 (21:54):
Yeah, I guess. I don't know. I heard the heart
attack range, and I better take it easy. Oh, honey,
it'll work.
S3 (22:00):
It's just a strange thing for him, but I guess
at that time, guys weren't.
S2 (22:05):
Well, yeah, he.
S3 (22:05):
Was domestic affairs.
S2 (22:06):
At home, and. I don't know, it's very strange. I'm
sure we were uncomfortable about it, you know, as you
did or whatever. So you had a little blood pressure.
What doesn't?
S4 (22:15):
Right.
S3 (22:17):
By this time, we were all getting comfortable, so I
figured I better bring up the elephant in the room.
You know how the guy we've been talking about disowned
my side of the family over a birthday card? I've
waited all these years and flown across the country. I
just couldn't wait any longer to hear the other side
of the story. But I have to tell you, I
(22:38):
was completely unprepared for what I was about to discover.
As I know you're probably are aware they didn't talk
for your dad, and my dad didn't talk for at
least a decade.
S1 (22:48):
And my dad didn't know that.
S2 (22:50):
You didn't know that? No.
S1 (22:51):
Okay. So when would when did they not talk? For
ten years.
S3 (22:56):
Well, that's so that that's the odd story.
S2 (22:58):
After we put him in the nursing home, they still
didn't know that.
S3 (23:01):
Was the first time they spoke in over a decade.
You heard that right. My uncle had no clue, but
his brother and his dad didn't speak for at least
a decade. You heard me stumble for words. As I
processed the implications of this and began to explain the story,
I had entertained the possibility that my uncle and cousins
(23:23):
didn't know why the D'isolement occurred, but I never imagined
in my wildest dreams the entire disarmament was an unknown
thing to them. Did my grandfather really never bring it up?
Did my dad really never mention this to his brother?
Was there communication that's sparse and empty? Here's what happened
(23:45):
as I wrapped up the story they were hearing for
the very first time. You got to recognize both boys.
You can't just recognize one of the boys. And so
they sent him a letter and they never talked again.
S1 (23:59):
I don't know.
S3 (24:00):
How was it?
S1 (24:02):
So did he write a letter versus call?
S3 (24:04):
I have no idea. But I think I think part
of that is my dad is kind of like how
you describe your father where like he's just he has
a high IQ but now would use IQ, right? He
just doesn't know how to talk emotion. He doesn't know
how to like the word, the words. I love you all.
He'll say it, but it's hard for him. He does.
He's not I don't know if you struggle on that
(24:24):
area or not.
S2 (24:25):
But sure, at times. Yeah.
S3 (24:27):
So I don't know why he didn't call. Isn't there,
aren't I? And so I said, well, you have to
qualify this. What do you mean? You never talked again?
We never heard from him. And I said, Did you
give him a call? They're like, Is.
S2 (24:42):
He dead or alive or, you know.
S3 (24:44):
And they it sounds like they just kind of were like, well,
that's extreme. That's weird. And then just life kept moving
because I don't think your dad and my dad were
real close ever. I don't think your dad was close
to anybody like him because you describe him as a grandpa.
It's not like, how are you? You know?
S1 (25:05):
Yeah.
S3 (25:06):
And this is me with conjecture now. And so I said,
Did you send him cards? My mom was like, I'm
sure we did. Did he ever send cars? Nope.
S1 (25:14):
So he never sent another card?
S3 (25:16):
Never. Never heard from him again. Never talked to him again.
The next time my dad talked to him was after
you guys moved him to a nursing home. He didn't
know who my dad was, you know, I didn't know
he was, which is, like, a horribly tragic story.
S1 (25:30):
Yeah, right.
S3 (25:31):
Because at least a decade went by and everybody's been
confused at Grandpa's wake. Like, what is.
S1 (25:37):
This like? Yeah, yeah.
S2 (25:39):
What in.
S3 (25:39):
The world? And so I tried to piece together some
of the things because it doesn't make sense to me,
and I try to get them to explain it on
their perspective. I don't know his you.
S1 (25:47):
Must be like there's a piece missing.
S3 (25:49):
There's got to be something that explains.
S1 (25:51):
Yeah, like it doesn't add up.
S3 (25:53):
Now, it sounds like my parents just kind of were
busy with the kids, were busy with the girls, and
they just kind of.
S2 (25:58):
Let it go.
S3 (25:59):
Let it go. And what what I did asked, I
was like, so do you regret this at all?
S1 (26:04):
Yeah.
S3 (26:04):
That was just at this point, I thought it would
be important to share some information with my uncle and
cousins that I haven't shared with you yet. It's about
regrets and whether my parents had them about this whole mess.
Here's what they said in their own words. Well, you know,
in hindsight, if we had known the reaction.
S4 (26:25):
I'm sure we would have done something different. But yeah,
it certainly wasn't the.
S3 (26:30):
Reaction that I anticipated.
S5 (26:31):
So yeah, I wasn't a real Christian at the time
and I hope that if I had been, I would
have acted differently. I regret that I was so insistent
about it. The age that your kids were at at
the time, it would have been easy to not to
work around it, and I wasn't capable of doing that
(26:56):
at the time. And I really regret having been the
cause of that break in the relationship.
S3 (27:06):
Maturity and Christian faith is a long, laborious, never ending process.
All followers of Jesus go through it. In that sense,
my mom's change of heart over time is understandable. My
uncle and cousins took it all in quietly. The tragedy
of the whole thing hung in the air. What could
they say? It was time to test my theories. Remember
(27:31):
the inheritance, check the disappearing train set and the unnecessary roadmap.
And so I tried to go backwards and try to
piece this together. Right. So there was a couple of
things that I thought maybe I don't want to ask
you about that maybe would explain some tension there. Okay.
So your mom passes away. My parents said that your
mom had had a checking account your dad didn't know about.
(27:54):
And so the two of you received a check for
$500 from a bank randomly. Do you remember this?
S2 (28:02):
No.
S4 (28:03):
Or at least our dad did.
S3 (28:05):
He didn't mention his.
S1 (28:05):
Brother like Bill.
S3 (28:06):
And. Yeah, so, like. So like you and my dad
received a check because your mom had written you guys
in as the beneficiaries of her account. And 500 bucks
in the seventies was a big deal.
S2 (28:18):
I don't know.
S3 (28:18):
Yeah, well, right. Yeah, well, they were for young. A
young couple. And so we figure out what happened. And
so I guess they called your dad and they were like, wow,
this is great. Thank you so much for this. And
he goes, You need to give that to me.
S2 (28:33):
No, really.
S3 (28:35):
He asked for the money.
S2 (28:35):
Back to check.
S3 (28:38):
It came from the bank, but he said, All you
need to give this to me. It's mine.
S4 (28:42):
Do you really?
S3 (28:43):
I mean, I'm not quoting him here, but essentially he
asked for it back, however he did it. Oh. And
so my parents were offended by this, obviously. But then,
I guess to make it even more awkward, your dad
wrote them a check for $500, later, gave it back
to him and said, spend this wisely.
S1 (29:03):
So that your mom and dad did.
S3 (29:04):
And they got it. So they gave it back. And
then he gave it back again. And said, now spend this.
S2 (29:10):
Right now giving it back. Yeah. You must not. I
don't remember. You don't remember that? No.
S4 (29:14):
But how do we know that, Tom?
S3 (29:15):
That we don't know what you got? It just.
S2 (29:18):
Dad was the bank. I didn't get a five, and
I got 2000.
S4 (29:21):
And I need anyway. Need better.
S2 (29:27):
Vitamins. Good boy. You know, I must have $500 check.
I remember that. I mean, it must I interpret right away.
S1 (29:37):
Yeah, maybe she snagged it.
S3 (29:39):
Well, it was a loan.
S1 (29:40):
Don't you think your dad would have said, like, if
he asked for it back from your dad.
S4 (29:44):
If the other one.
S1 (29:45):
Got it, like one of seven? Yes, you.
S2 (29:48):
Might think so. He.
S1 (29:49):
Did you get $500 in the mail? That's my money,
or I give it everything else.
S2 (29:53):
I must say.
S3 (29:54):
Does that shock you that your dad would do that?
You're like, I can't believe my dad did that.
S2 (29:58):
Okay, that's pretty sad. This would be.
S3 (30:02):
So. But it seems like you're a little surprised by it, though.
It's not like it was in character for him to go.
S2 (30:06):
Oh.
S3 (30:06):
Yeah, give me that. It's mine.
S2 (30:08):
Yeah, it is surprising. I mean, that's that's not right.
S3 (30:12):
Well, as you can see, men in my family use
humor to break tension, but the mystery thickens. Either my
uncle didn't get an inheritance check or he doesn't remember.
Is it possible that my grandmother made my dad the
only beneficiary of an account? Could it be that my
grandfather only asked for the money back from my dad?
(30:33):
Or is it something time caused to slip from my
uncle's mind? I'll never know. The one revelation I can
cling to in this is that he thinks it was
out of character for my grandfather to do something like that.
It was on to theory number two, the disappearing train set.
The other one is what happened to the train set?
S2 (30:56):
I wish we still had. I think we sold it
off piecemeal or sold as a group. I mean, these
are full size cars. My dad had to play with
that basement. Very welcome. I heard everybody we played down there,
these things. I mean, they're good size. Each year we
get a car for Christmas and locomotives in the slope.
Come on, you drop the bill. We had the controls
(31:18):
like this. Wow. It's a big deal. It gets people
over all the time. And you remember it?
S1 (31:22):
Yeah. We played double.
S2 (31:24):
And took up most of the basement on that one
side and the other side of the washtub, the freezer.
It was very cool. I mean, those were nice gifts
to get every year at one of them. And I
don't know, I think we.
S3 (31:37):
Was it in the attic or something when he passed
or where?
S2 (31:39):
Oh, I don't know. It was an estate sale or
what we did, but I think we sold it though.
We did. Somebody come downstairs and look at it. They
just said, Oh yeah, I'll take this the most I
most certainly old with it.
S3 (31:53):
Because I don't.
S2 (31:54):
Know how much we got for it, but I don't
even remember what it was.
S3 (31:59):
And the reason.
S2 (32:00):
Was that the dollars with the cars.
S3 (32:02):
Well, but the reason I ask is because as I
was trying to figure out what took place, one of
the things that my parents remembered was when we were little,
they went over to see him, obviously a little because
they talked or something. And my mom or dad or
one of them said something to him. Right, because I
guess he wasn't using it much later on. I don't
know what was going on. He's getting old. Yeah. And
so she goes. They were like, Well, you know, Tommy's
(32:23):
got two girls. We got two boys. Maybe your, you know,
your grandsons would like to have some of the train
set or something. And, you know, I was a little
forward to ask him for the train set, but they
essentially asked him for it. And I guess the next
time they came over, it was got like packed on schedule.
S2 (32:41):
So he had packed it up.
S3 (32:43):
They put it this is the story that my parents
gave me and I have no memory. And now my
my mom and dad didn't say these things happened and therefore.
S1 (32:52):
Set up one. Well, he came to look again.
S2 (32:55):
I see.
S1 (32:55):
Them. Or maybe it was in the attic.
S2 (32:57):
Yeah, I don't. I must say, I don't remember.
S3 (33:04):
I had one more theory to test the unnecessary road map.
And then the little one I remember, too, is, I
guess when my parents moved to Burnsville, they invited him
over for a birthday or something birthday party. And my
dad gave directions. I thought this was art, so he
really was not satisfied with those. So he went to
triple-A and got a trip ticket to drive from his
(33:27):
house to the.
S2 (33:28):
Rest of our world. Was in Paris, in France. I mean,
you know, doing the burns, come on.
S3 (33:33):
I mean, so that forever.
S2 (33:34):
Queen in Catalan was, what, 494 in France? I mean,
our world was so small back.
S3 (33:39):
So that wasn't weird.
S2 (33:41):
Oh, I can seem to get lost in birdsong. Oh, sure.
But then the go to trip finally got to get
a trip to. Oh, it's a trip.
S1 (33:47):
What's that?
S2 (33:47):
We don't even know.
S3 (33:48):
Yeah, we had him as a kid. When? When we went. What?
At least it's like a map where someone highlights for
you and then you've got the pants on.
S2 (33:55):
It's like jeeps, and you just see the bridge, and
here I am, and they're wonderful.
S3 (33:59):
Like, you went and had a map professionally created for
him to get to our house.
S2 (34:03):
And you imagine.
S3 (34:04):
And so it's either he's that uncomfortable driving and do
it directions or he didn't trust my dad's directions. I
don't know which one it was.
S2 (34:09):
I think he was uncomfortable driving.
S3 (34:11):
That must have been what it was.
S2 (34:12):
Oh, yeah. He didn't know how to get to.
S3 (34:16):
You know, I felt really good about those theories when
I developed them. Didn't they sound like they made sense?
At this point, all three are either partially deflated or
completely irrelevant. Or worse, just unanswerable. What's left. Grasping for answers.
I cut right to the heart of it. So did
(34:39):
he ever say things like, So what's Bill up to?
Or what are the grandsons doing?
S2 (34:46):
No.
S3 (34:49):
Then. Come on. So he didn't ever ask about us or.
Or you didn't or Dianne did say like, what are
you doing? Tom Senior. You guys got to work this out.
S1 (35:06):
Well, maybe Mom would say something.
S2 (35:07):
Or she would say, yeah. I mean, she didn't hold back.
That's good. Yeah.
S1 (35:12):
I guess. All right.
S3 (35:16):
Does that strike you as odd?
S2 (35:18):
Oh, yeah.
S1 (35:19):
Huh? Either. Yeah.
S3 (35:21):
Does it surprise you, though? This is an interesting bit
about your dad. Like what? What is it about a guy?
I mean, for my own dad.
S2 (35:27):
So how do you know? He didn't ask about anybody else,
and they didn't seem to show any emotion about it.
S1 (35:33):
And then I'll write to see if he'd be like.
Have you talked to Bill lately?
S3 (35:36):
Yeah. How's he doing? He never asked about us. I
wish I knew why. I was hoping for a dramatic revelation.
A simple explanation, perhaps. No dice. But after reconnecting with
my uncle and cousins, I walked away with conflicting emotions. First,
(36:01):
they're wonderful people. It was uplifting just to spend a
few hours with them. And trust me on this, you'd
want to have them as your friends. And yet I
also walked away heartbroken over all the lost years of
not knowing them over how much I really don't know
(36:22):
them now. But that's not all I walked away with.
I've got three new clues on my journey towards making
sense of this seemingly unexplainable discernment and familial separation. First
the phone call. My grandmother unexpectedly passed away at the
(36:43):
age of 60 on December 31st, 1975. I asked my
uncle about it and he shared his memory of that
terrible day. Now listen carefully. I didn't pick up on
this small detail until I went back to put this
podcast series together.
S2 (36:59):
Then I got a call. New Year's Eve, 75, whatever
it was, we're in the first little house in Alabama
and having a New Year's Eve party. I get a
call all sudden. Got to go to California. And I
remember I said, well, I don't have any money. It's
midnight in 75.
S1 (37:19):
Years, Eve. You're probably drunk.
S2 (37:20):
No friend of mine was there a jerk? Slut. And
he gave me $100 and, you know, he had money
on him. And I said, okay, thank you. That's when
I called Bill and we had a half a plane
to go to San Francisco to help my dad bring
her back. And she's dead.
S3 (37:35):
So you're dead. Pretty torn up about that.
S2 (37:38):
Yeah. As little emotion as it shows. I mean, but
it you know, it moved a bit.
S3 (37:45):
My dad does remember much of it either. He said
he remembered your dad calling a friend and he broke
up a little bit, cried a little bit. But that's
the only time he showed emotion about it.
S2 (37:56):
I would agree.
S3 (37:59):
Did you hear it? Let's zero in on the specific detail.
S2 (38:04):
That's when I called Bill and we had a half
a plane to go to San Francisco to help my
dad bring her back. And she did.
S3 (38:12):
Could it be that my dad found out his mother
unexpectedly passed away on the other side of the country
from his brother. Now, my uncle's words don't necessarily mean
this is the case. After all, he could have simply
been calling my dad to coordinate flights to California. So
I texted my dad to see whether my suspicions were correct. Unfortunately.
(38:37):
I was right. My dad received two phone calls at
work the day his mom died. One was to let
him know that his mom had a heart attack on
the plane ride back from Hawaii and that she was
in bad shape. The second call broke the tragic news
that she was dead. Now, one of the calls came
from his brother and the other came from his uncle Marshall.
(39:00):
He's not 100% sure who made which call, but he's
confident about one thing his dad didn't call. Is that
what you would do if your wife died? Have one
of your kids break the news to the other kids.
But don't get me wrong, it'd be the hardest phone
calls of my life. But I'd insist on telling all
(39:22):
of my children about it personally. It's the terrible but
undeniable responsibility of any parent. I know it's a little thing,
but from what you've already learned, doesn't it sound a
little bit consistent in terms of my grandfather? There seems
to be this thread woven through his life of not
(39:43):
being too concerned about other people. The second clue flings
open the curtain of my grandpa Tom's Alzheimer's disease. All
I've ever known about it was the crisis incident that
ended up necessitating him being admitted to a nursing facility.
As it turns out, there were many other symptoms and incidents.
S2 (40:07):
We could tell he was really gone. Or I could tell.
And then we went over to the bigger list for
a dinner or just sort of like the poster my
dad is supposed to drive over because he was living
at 3940 cho my house used saw him was. Where's.
I don't know where he is. So when I'm looking
for his driver, he was coming down 54th all the
(40:28):
way across to finally kind of teams up with Alexa
cause he was lost. He didn't know where anything was.
S3 (40:34):
Didn't recognize you?
S2 (40:36):
Yeah, but it. You could tell it. But anyway, my
next former next door neighbor, Joyce Schreiber, her very nice lady,
would keep me up to date on what's going on.
She goes, Your dad's down the corner. He thinks the
bus is there. Okay. Just standing on the corner.
S3 (40:55):
Waiting for the bus. Yeah.
S2 (40:57):
And some guy was over trying to literally sell them
siding or something when he was there by himself. You
just said the house painted. This guy was putting pressure on.
He had talked to Joyce, a Gia guy just came by.
He was very nice. He was but citing and she
was telling me to set the house payment. Then, you know,
there was something I mean, my dad needed needed help.
(41:21):
You know, I go through the checkbook. I was a co-signer.
And I see all these entries that, you know, VFW
or some or some donation. $5 here. I mean, ten entries,
$5 each. And, you know, there are telltale signs. You
can tell when someone's gonna lose that. And so I
(41:42):
had to get a lawyer and and become the executor
of his person and the estate, because that's the only
way you can commit somebody. And I was responsible for
paying the bills and blah, blah, blah. And yeah, you
just go, I'm afraid the storm's going to be on him.
He's going to kill himself. That's when, you know, you
(42:03):
had to get him committed. And but he didn't do
it willingly. I would say no, but he didn't know
what was going on. I took him downtown to the
hospital and it was all pseudo appointment because he went
upstairs to a shrink and they asked him appropriate questions.
You know, who's the president? How did you get here?
(42:24):
And he couldn't answer anything appropriately. They said he's not
leaving the hospital. I want to talk for a show
or something. Bill was very instrumental in getting, with the
help of a social worker, trying to find a place
for him. And that's where he was. But when you
first put him in the place, I remember he would go, well,
is this my home? Yes. Now, well, I'll get my suitcase.
(42:44):
I want to go back home. How far is that
from here? I know about 20 miles. Then he goes, okay,
that's okay. He kept thinking he didn't realize it was permanent.
S3 (42:53):
By far the most jarring revelation had nothing to do
with my grandfather. The third and final clue in the
breakdown of my family relationships was actually about my dad.
Without any prompting. Out of nowhere, my uncle revealed decades
of hurt he'd been feeling. But they were. They close
(43:14):
your dad and his brother.
S2 (43:17):
Not to my knowledge.
S1 (43:20):
So runs in the family.
S4 (43:22):
Right.
S1 (43:23):
But you know, you and your brother.
S2 (43:26):
Well, yeah, it's terrible. We haven't talked for a long time.
I I'll tell you two, I. I really got upset. Oh,
Diane and I took care of my dad and clean
the house up and got it ready. And where is Bill?
I he never asked me. Is there anything I can do?
(43:49):
I really took offense to that. And that's one of
the things, you know, I'm a big boy. You know,
I should I should have called you did years ago.
And he commands the system. Let me tell you my problems.
And quiet. I'll talk to him. But I she's we're.
We're going to clean it. Dad's bathroom up for sale. Oh,
(44:10):
Dad worked your butt off in the tub, you know? Anyway,
just getting the house ready for sale and think about
it now is so easy to sell at 105,000. Let
it go for two, 300,000 and never have. No, on
that one. I was so proud. Oh, right. But it
just wasn't any big, you know, it sold so quick
and well and then we divided because it put the
(44:33):
money in the checkbook or something and we got 50%
of bill kept asking, where's the money? Where's the money? Well, what? Well,
I mean, we're still trying to figure this out and
that really upset me. And where's the money? What am
I getting my check on? Take it easy. Maybe I'm
(44:54):
still grieving over. You know, I don't know what it was,
but I you know, I was. I really screwed up
at the time anyway, and I still haven't. But I mean,
it's terrible to not see your kids grow up and
talk to them.
S3 (45:07):
My heart was racing. I had no idea my uncle
was holding on to hurt for 30 years. I was
so focused on my grandfather disowning us that I hadn't
even considered what this reality had done to the relationship
between my dad and his only brother. And the man
he was describing doesn't sound anything like my father. The
(45:28):
dad I know is selfless, hardworking, ready to help an
all around, incredible guy. But I get it from my
uncle's perspective. His feelings are valid. It makes sense. If
I were in his shoes, I'd be hurt too. Interestingly,
my cousins seemed caught off guard by all this as well.
(45:50):
I don't think they ever heard this from their dad before.
We were all uncomfortable enough in the moment that we
drifted to another subject pretty quickly, you know, the whole
dolphin humor thing. But there was more to say. My
cousin Kelly brought us back to the issue at hand
with a question for my brother and me.
S1 (46:08):
Well, I was going to say. Has your dad ever
mentioned you guys or said anything about why him and
Dan don't talk like.
S3 (46:17):
We've asked over the years and because.
S4 (46:19):
We've asked. I don't think there's ever really an answer.
There's never.
S3 (46:21):
Really a good.
S4 (46:22):
I don't think there's like cause that I don't feel
like there is a reason.
S1 (46:25):
Because my mother lives on the floor. What do you mean?
Your Uncle Bill lives in Vermont and your dad doesn't
see him, and he lives in LA. And it's just like.
It's like a, you know, because my mother in law's like,
she's more of a social life. I think that I do.
But it's like, well, it's always like.
S2 (46:41):
Oh, is there anything else that I really, you know,
I'm a big boy and I can pick up the phone.
But I you know, I think I became so distant
after he died in the house, you know, involvement on
his part. And I because I took offense to that and.
S3 (47:01):
I don't blame me for that. Tom And.
S2 (47:03):
That's, I think really why I haven't talked to him.
And it's criminal because come on, get over it. Just
get over it. You know, I. I go first, Bill.
I mean, we're out raking when it's snowing literally, and
moving snow, cleaning the house. And, you know, I didn't
expect him to be shoulder to shoulder with me, but
never got a call. Can we help you with the house?
(47:25):
What's going on? Oh, I don't know. We just seem
to be alone taking care of this person or his estate.
S4 (47:34):
And you were.
S2 (47:36):
And I was. And I resented that. And shame on me, but. Well,
it's understandable. Pick up the phone and talk to your
brother about it and get it over with. And so
I've because of my attitude, I've always felt that. I've
restricted the girls in seeing their cousins. No one's seen anybody.
(47:58):
No one knows what's going on. Facebook doesn't mean that
distant relatives. I mean, it's a crime and it's not right.
S1 (48:07):
And I know personally, my kids, I'm like, well, Jacob
are my only cousins. You know, Grampy said, you know where?
They've met my big little cousins and they've been to
Mark Antinous house. And, you know, so we'll say, Well,
this is my cousin John or Joe or Cass, you know,
and then they'll there he'll hear about all these other cousins.
And then they were like, Who were you? A couple
were cousins in our day. And it's like, whose house
(48:29):
are you going to? Yeah. And then I'm like, Oh,
we'll have to see. And I know what I'm like.
And Jacob, doesn't you live that far?
S3 (48:37):
My faith made me feel compelled to be a mediator
of sorts in this moment. So I stumbled into a
feeble attempt. But I get it from your perspective, Tom.
I mean, I get it, although I'm not certain my
dad is capable of and not in like he's dumb,
but like, I don't know that he has the capacity
(49:01):
to be able to call and say, Dad, let's talk. Like,
I just don't think that's who he is. I mean,
he's what like you said, he wrote a letter to
his father and said, calling him you like that? Yeah.
What are you doing? Forgetting the cards. It's crazy.
S1 (49:14):
Yeah.
S3 (49:14):
Yeah, which could have been over in a few minutes, but, like,
I just don't know that he has the IQ to
be able to even. Like, I don't even know if
he knew that you were doing stuff alone, that he
would have known how to call it ask. It goes both.
Is that fair, do you think?
S2 (49:30):
You know, it goes both ways. How about it?
S1 (49:31):
Even like now, like today, like in, you know, just
calling to say, hey, what's wrong?
S4 (49:36):
It's hard, right? But every day that goes by, it's
just a little.
S3 (49:37):
More awkward, you.
S1 (49:38):
Know? Yeah. But did you say sometimes you guys do, like,
send an email or not to bill? I know, I know,
I know.
S2 (49:49):
I mean, if I have bills, email, address.
S3 (49:52):
Did you let that sink in? He doesn't even have
his only brother's email address, so here I am. I
didn't solve anything. And now I'm left with even more
layers to the mystery and newly discovered paint. If only
(50:13):
I could track down someone else who knew my grandfather,
someone else with insights into his life and his personality.
But how in the world can I do that? When
my dad only had one brother and both of his
parents have been dead for decades? Well, I found a
way and I'll explain in the next episode.
Popular Podcasts
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
Amy Robach & T.J. Holmes present: Aubrey O’Day, Covering the Diddy Trial
Introducing… Aubrey O’Day Diddy’s former protege, television personality, platinum selling music artist, Danity Kane alum Aubrey O’Day joins veteran journalists Amy Robach and TJ Holmes to provide a unique perspective on the trial that has captivated the attention of the nation. Join them throughout the trial as they discuss, debate, and dissect every detail, every aspect of the proceedings. Aubrey will offer her opinions and expertise, as only she is qualified to do given her first-hand knowledge. From her days on Making the Band, as she emerged as the breakout star, the truth of the situation would be the opposite of the glitz and glamour. Listen throughout every minute of the trial, for this exclusive coverage. Amy Robach and TJ Holmes present Aubrey O’Day, Covering the Diddy Trial, an iHeartRadio podcast.
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.