Episode Transcript
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S1 (00:01):
We never heard from him.
S2 (00:02):
In a letter. No call, no contact.
S3 (00:04):
That's very possible that I played a.
S4 (00:06):
Leading role in what happened. Here we go. 2751. Five seven.
S5 (00:13):
This is it. I think it's an incredible story. I
guess I kept wondering why everybody didn't address the elephant.
S2 (00:20):
In the room.
S3 (00:21):
I'm Brian Donlon, and this is the grandfather effect. Hey there.
It's Brian. I want to hit pause on this episode
to ask you for two quick favors. First. Don't forget
to subscribe to and follow this podcast so you never
miss an episode. And second, would you consider sharing the
(00:41):
grandfather effect with a few of your friends? You know,
word of mouth marketing is the best thing out there.
And if you like what you hear, we'd be so
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the grandfather effect. Tell your friends to find out more
information at Moody Radio Dawgs slash grandfather again. Moody Radio
(01:01):
Dawg slash grandfather. Thanks. Let's get back to the episode. Endings.
In fairy tales. People live happily ever after. An old Westerns,
the cowboy rides off into the sunset. The likes of
(01:22):
Sophocles and Shakespeare brought us endings that were equal parts
disturbing and bloody. But real life isn't exclusively like any
of that. Much of life is unresolved. Well, sure, there's
periods of intense joy and sorrow. But none of us
can escape unanswered questions and unresolved pain. Perhaps that's why
(01:47):
humanity clings so tightly to fictional stories. They're an escape
from the messiness and brutality of our own lives. That's
why I'm grateful for Jesus. Following him enables me to
have hope and peace in the midst of life struggles.
His life, death and resurrection over 2000 years ago invites
(02:11):
us to endure a tumultuous life with the promise of
an ending far beyond what we could imagine or deserve.
But as my family's story clearly indicates, the Christian life
doesn't allow us to escape the realities of sin, the
generational consequences of brokenness, and the uncertainty of human relationships.
(02:36):
So how does this particular story end? I've been working
on this podcast series for four years now. Life, kids, work, editing, writing, recording.
A global pandemic all made it a slow journey. And
the unexpected emotional toll of the whole thing forced me
to step away for periods of rest and reflection. And yet,
(03:00):
here I am. I've reached a fork in the road
that allows for a conclusion of sorts. And I'm well
aware that you expect some kind of ending. So I
decided to end where we began together. With my parents.
I gather the rough drafts of all the episodes and
(03:22):
let my parents digest it. Just like you did. With
the same information you have. And this is what happened.
S4 (03:33):
What was your initial reaction when you got to my conversation.
S3 (03:37):
With your brother?
S2 (03:38):
Oh, it was, I guess, in a way, shocking. I
didn't think he'd. You know, Laura, the boom, if you will,
or be as candid as he was. I can certainly
understand his resentment for me not being there and that
sort of thing. But the thing I keep coming back
to and that I just can't remember is I don't
remember him asking me to come help clean out the house.
(04:04):
I didn't know when they were going to sell the house.
I didn't know any of that stuff. So it it
made it tough to know to even ask.
S4 (04:11):
So so did you know that they were, like, he mentioned,
raking while it was snowing and scrubbing the bathtub? And
did you know about that?
S2 (04:19):
No, no, none of that.
S4 (04:21):
Somebody might say, how did you not know?
S2 (04:23):
Yeah, well, because they didn't say to me, come on
over and let's get this stuff done. So I would
have been there.
S1 (04:31):
But yeah, but our initial reaction was we were both
listening to it separately. Mm hmm. And we both finished
it about the same time, and we both cried. We
felt just awful. It seemed we just felt awful about everything.
And then.
S4 (04:47):
Well, let's. Let's break down what you felt. I hate
to be so specific, but that's okay. I mean, somebody
can feel awful for a.
S3 (04:54):
Variety of reasons.
S4 (04:55):
What about that discussion made you feel awful?
S1 (05:01):
I felt awful that we didn't know that they needed help.
I felt. I felt awful that. That. The town was
(05:21):
so unhappy and we didn't know. I felt awful that
we didn't know that their dad had been having memory
problems for many years. We didn't know. I've listened to
it three times now. And the second time I listened
(05:41):
to it, I was angry. I was angry because I
heard something the second time that I didn't hear, the
first time I listened to it. And that was when
Tom said that he kept the girls away from you, guy,
your kids and our family because of his unhappiness with
or his anger at your dad. And that. Answered a
(06:06):
huge question for us because for years we kept trying
to have a relationship with them. We would call and
invite them to come over and and they were they
for they never were able to do that. And now,
you know, now we know why and. I was also
(06:27):
angry because. I hope that if we had known that
he was having so many memory issues. That we wouldn't
have been we wouldn't have made such a big deal
out of the birthday stuff that started everything. So. Then
the third time I listened to it, it just made
(06:49):
me sad because I. It made me think of all the.
All the years that were wasted because we didn't know.
S4 (07:06):
One of the moments that shocked me, too, when I
was talking to your brother was. When he described you
calling and asking about the money, it doesn't sound like
something you would ever do, but I. I don't think
he's making it up either. So have you figured this out?
S2 (07:19):
You know? Well, I don't recall. I must have called
him and asked him about the inheritance since he was
the executor. But I don't think I would have asked
it in the tone that that he implied. Where's the money?
Where's the money? Because I didn't we weren't in need
(07:40):
of it. We weren't, you know, relying on it to
stay solvent. So it may have been more of a
just a question about it, but that seemed to really
bother Tom and I. I'm sorry I did, but I.
I just don't remember making the call, but I must
have given his certainty about the whole thing.
S4 (08:01):
Did you know they were cleaning out the house while
you were waiting for the inheritance? Check. Did you know
those two things were happening?
S2 (08:08):
No, no, no, I didn't.
S1 (08:12):
We found out about them clearing out the house when
Tom showed up at our doorstep with a box full
of pictures.
S4 (08:19):
You know.
S1 (08:20):
That they had a, you know, for whatever reason, decided
that we should have this. The box of pictures that
he gave us. That's why there's pictures of your grandfather
and grandmother. Otherwise, we wouldn't have had any.
S4 (08:33):
Well, and see, my. My theory must. The best I
can come up with on this was that you didn't know, obviously,
that they were cleaning out the house. And the timing
of an innocent call you made happen have been the
worst possible timing while Diane was scrubbing a bathtub.
S2 (08:46):
Yeah.
S4 (08:47):
You know, and so the convergence of the emotion of
the moment. You know, we hear things we want to
hear and we you didn't mean to do it at
that time. And.
S2 (08:56):
Yeah, I mean. I must have asked her out of curiosity,
if nothing else. But again, I don't. I don't think
I was trying to say I needed the money or
that there was any skullduggery going on or anything like that.
I just must have just asked when, when to expect it,
I guess.
S4 (09:16):
And if I'm trying to think about it from his perspective,
not that he didn't make mistakes, but if they were
raking in the snow and scrubbing a bathtub and you
guys weren't helping, I would understand why he would be upset.
S2 (09:27):
Oh, sure.
S1 (09:28):
Mm hmm.
S2 (09:29):
Sure. Yeah.
S4 (09:30):
Which makes the thing more of a.
S2 (09:31):
Tragedy when you can piece it all together. In retrospect. Why? Yeah.
S4 (09:38):
Do you think it's possible to? Repair the relationship with
your brother or is it too late?
S2 (09:44):
Oh, I think it's possible to.
S1 (09:48):
You know, all all the times that we tried to
have a relationship with them, we finally reached the point
where we just gave up. So we've. I guess we've.
Always been willing to have a relationship. It's just after
so much rejection, you do give up. So.
S4 (10:13):
One of my questions is. If one of the two
of you, you you and your brother were to try
to work it out, who was going to be the
one to pick up the phone first?
S2 (10:23):
Yeah. Well, I figure it's going to have to be me. And.
And I'm not opposed to doing that. It's just. I
kind of wanted him to hear the whole story. So
he had a full understanding and. So it was a
level playing field, I guess. And then. Not a postcard. Yeah.
S4 (10:46):
Have you thought about what you're going to say to him?
S2 (10:49):
No, not really. But. I'm not above apologizing for my behavior,
and I hope you would feel the same.
S4 (11:00):
Yeah. There was a bunch of things that surprised me
when I met with Tom and Nicole and Kelly. Like
I was shocked that your dad never once asked about
you or us. Those ten years. I tried to ask
Tom whether he was surprised by that, and I couldn't
ever get really anyone to nail down whether that was
surprise them or not. How? When you found that out, dad,
(11:23):
what what was your reaction to it? Were you like,
I'm not surprised at all or it's shocking to me
or what?
S2 (11:28):
Well, in a way, I wasn't surprised because if he
didn't talk to us, he probably had written us off.
So that didn't bother asking. But obviously it's. It seems
way out of the norm to not ask about your grandchildren. So.
(11:49):
So I don't know. I mean, you know, you look
back and say there were a lot of mistakes that
I made, but. You know, I should have should have
called him a number of things, but he should have
called me too, and never did. So I think for
some reason, he just. Wrote us off after that. What
(12:10):
seemed like a relatively minor incident at the time, but
apparently it was a big one.
S4 (12:16):
So have you been able to ascertain now that you've
heard some of these things? Maybe why you guys didn't call.
Not that you had to be the ones to call.
He didn't call.
S2 (12:26):
Either. Yeah. No, I don't have a good answer for that.
I mean, in retrospect, I should have called shortly after
that when we got no reaction and. More often than that.
I mean, subsequently. But. I don't know. There's no good answer,
(12:50):
because I should have.
S1 (12:51):
Well, we didn't know that he was having memory problems.
So when we didn't get a response from him, I
guess that's how we felt that he had just. Exodus
out of his life. So, you know, when when you
combine the not knowing about the memory thing and now
(13:13):
knowing that Tom purposely kept them away from us. How
are we supposed to know anything? Right.
S2 (13:23):
And on again. I think if Mom hadn't died when
she was 60, things would have been different. Again, she
was the linchpin to the family way to. Seeing a
lot of each other, but. You know, Dad wasn't that. And.
Was okay with not seeing us.
S4 (13:44):
What do you think your mom would think of all this?
S2 (13:46):
Well, she'd be horrified. Mm hmm. Yeah, because it again,
if the situation was reversed or if she had lived
out a normal life, it would have a very different story.
S4 (13:57):
Can you picture what kind of response she would have
had if they missed a birthday and you sent that letter?
S1 (14:04):
Yeah, I think she would have apologized.
S2 (14:06):
Yeah, and she wouldn't have missed the birthday, so.
S1 (14:11):
Yeah.
S4 (14:12):
When you say she'd been horrified by it, what would
she have been horrified by? And why would you feel
that way?
S2 (14:17):
Well, the lack of contact and I mean, she would
have kept the family relationships going, so. And that would
have been a priority for her, I'm sure. Oh. But
not the way it turned out.
S3 (14:43):
The Grandfather Effect is a production of Moody Radio and
820 podcasts in partnership with CRF in Cleveland and 12
two media. Special thanks to executive producer Emma Vander Valdai,
engineer and producer Caleb Gray, editorial and production support from
host Wei Villa, Scott Kruse and Rick Hall. Additional thanks
to the dedicated group of colleagues and friends who helped
(15:05):
me tell this story. Dr. David Fisher. Nancy Kane. Dr. Mark.
Caleb Smith. Ronnie Stewart. Mike Reynolds. Drew Smith, Jamie Buxton
and Janelle Nevils. We're also truly grateful for the tireless
efforts and support from our colleagues at the Moody Bible
Institute and various departments. This series also wouldn't have been
possible without the gracious cooperation of many in the Dolin family.
(15:29):
My parents, Bill and Sandy, my brother Jacob. Tom Jr.
Marshall Jr. Nicole Kelly and Tim. I'll be forever grateful,
and I pray for a full and vibrant reconciliation in
our family. Most of all, I'm grateful for the patience,
discernment and wisdom of my wife, Sarah. She endured over
(15:51):
six years of discussions, countless hours of audio, extra time
away from the family, and more sacrifices than I can count.
May the Lord use this story to impact the lives
of my children and my grandchildren and yours.
S6 (16:09):
Well, we're kind of really stringing this one out. We
need to give up an inch or two, but we've
come to the end. Daddy and I both send our
love to you both. Here goes. Much love.