July 22, 2025 • 38 mins
Matty J's littlest (soon-to-be middle child), Lola, has unlocked a new fear - monsters! Unfortunately, mum Laura turns Daddy into a liar after telling a contradictory story.
Ash experiences a flashback to his childhood after his kids shared their fear of falling into the toilet.
And Matty J (finally) tells the story of that time he hired a babysitter for Marlie and Lola that lasted less than a week.
*******
We also get into your Par-Rants for this week, where you air out your parenting grievances. This week's rant hit a nerve and our pockets!
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We also answer your questions:
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- How do you make time for sexy time with your partner when you're the parent of two kids?
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Are we good? I clap his in. You might need
a microphone for this big guy.
Speaker 2 (00:06):
There he is.
Speaker 3 (00:07):
Oops, sorry about that. I was like, I just roared it. Okay,
I'm back, I'm back.
Speaker 1 (00:16):
You look good.
Speaker 3 (00:16):
Hey, you look great?
Speaker 1 (00:17):
You look better?
Speaker 3 (00:18):
Hat backwards?
Speaker 1 (00:19):
Yeah? Something? It mix it up?
Speaker 3 (00:21):
You know what are you talking about?
Speaker 1 (00:23):
That? That's how to talk now like this.
Speaker 3 (00:25):
It changed my whole I don't know how to say
this politely.
Speaker 1 (00:28):
Be careful.
Speaker 3 (00:45):
Welcome back to two body Guards. I am Mattie J.
And this is a podcast all about parenting. It is
the good, it is the bad and the relatable. And
if you come for advice, shock horror, we don't do it.
We are too dumb dads who happen to be doting
two dopey, dumb day teen dads. Dangerously handsome dads, that's
(01:07):
more likely. There we go anyway back. I can't stop
looking at you with that hat backwards.
Speaker 1 (01:12):
Okay, stop drooling?
Speaker 3 (01:13):
Wow, wait till people watch these videos on socials?
Speaker 1 (01:18):
Oh my god, oh.
Speaker 3 (01:20):
My god, how old are you again? Hit the gritty thirty.
Speaker 1 (01:25):
Four, thirty thirty five in August? Oh yuck, thank you,
that's middle aged. Thirty eight is middle aged? Actually, is
it technically.
Speaker 3 (01:37):
An asshole?
Speaker 1 (01:40):
Very good? How are you, big guy?
Speaker 3 (01:42):
Look at the moment, Lola is really worried about something. Yeah,
it's a front of mine and that thing is monsters.
Speaker 1 (01:56):
I see. Why where is she get where you're from?
I don't know.
Speaker 3 (02:01):
Maybe I'm trying to think if I made her watch
Monsters inc.
Speaker 1 (02:04):
Big mistake, big mistake.
Speaker 3 (02:06):
I know, I know we heard that story.
Speaker 1 (02:08):
The first scene in that it's simulator of a kid
screaming as lung.
Speaker 3 (02:13):
It's PTSD. How that got signed off as a kid's movie?
Speaker 1 (02:16):
Different times, different times? Yeah, you can eat your kids back.
Speaker 3 (02:19):
Then she's just really obsessed with monsters, really obsessed.
Speaker 1 (02:25):
Do the monsters have like any characteristics?
Speaker 3 (02:28):
Not really? When at nighttime when put to bed, she go,
my dad, the monsters in the room, and I go, no,
the not She goes, he's laying. But then one morning
she woke up and she came to our bed. It
must have been pretty early five in the morning. On
that cusp of like will they get back to sleep
or won't they? She was like, guys, can you tell
(02:48):
me a story? Talking to me and Laura, and I
was like, oh god, try and think of a story.
Speaker 1 (02:54):
Once was a monster that lived in your bedroom.
Speaker 3 (02:57):
Whataura goes, I got the story. Don't worry, I got
this one. She goes, there was a little monster that
lived in your wardrobe and it was a cute, little
baby monster. And I was like, Laura, your breast. I
was like, what do you think you're doing? She goes,
(03:18):
I got this, I got this, And she tried to
spin a beautiful tale about a little cute baby monster
who didn't have a mummy and daddy and who was
looked after by the house that she was hiding within.
I e Lola saved her and told this beautiful story
of how the monster and Lola became best friends.
Speaker 1 (03:37):
How that go down.
Speaker 3 (03:39):
And Lola was like, okay, so there is a monster.
Speaker 1 (03:45):
And I was like what she points told?
Speaker 3 (03:49):
She was in tears, being like there's a monster in
my room. I was like, what are you? What are
you doing? And I don't want you know, Laura's pregnant.
I'm going to cut some slack. I'm not going to
address this to her personally. I'm just going.
Speaker 1 (04:01):
To hear it behind her back.
Speaker 3 (04:05):
So we're dealing with the monsters now.
Speaker 1 (04:07):
Still that didn't Obviously that didn't work. No, so both
kids now using the big toilet. Happy congratulations to me
and all of us, and without a whole lot of effort,
if I'm completely honest, like I feel like, you know,
everyone's like sweating and ship. It was a I was like,
(04:31):
pretty easy, Okay, it's funny. I do nothing. No, I
do plenty, thank you, just not that. No, they were
pretty good at like sort of toilet training themselves. But
I got me thinking. I got me thinking about use
the first time I used a big toilet. Do you
remember the first time you might have used the toilet? Yeah?
Speaker 3 (04:54):
I ended up getting circumcised afterwards.
Speaker 1 (04:58):
Thanks for my god, I mean sitting on it, not
actually peeing in it. Sorry, I'm sorry to bring up that.
Speaker 3 (05:08):
Wow, that's my first memory is my mum being like,
which one of you fucking kids just pissing all over
the walls and then and then she then stood there
and watched us piss one by one until finally it
was my turn and pissed everywhere anyway anyway, and then
but please sorry, I'm sorry, sorry I'll bring that up.
(05:29):
But at the same time, and I woke up in
hospital and my dick had been cut off.
Speaker 1 (05:33):
Yeah, that's right. That's great.
Speaker 3 (05:34):
So for those of you who aren't aware, I was
circumcised at the age of six because I had too
much foreskin.
Speaker 1 (05:39):
They used to move along. They used to call him
six skin, Maddie. I just gotta be thinking about using
the toilet for the first time. Stop making this about you.
Let me make this about me again. And we used
to live in an old firebro shithole shack, the same
one where Oh my god, wow, how dare I go
(06:05):
full circle? I've gone full circle? Poverty family grew up
moving to a poverty house.
Speaker 3 (06:14):
I'm so sorry. It must be nice to have hinting
and hot water and that was take that out, just
remove that.
Speaker 1 (06:23):
People need to see who you really are. Anyway, I'm
going to take some hot water home with Haven't you
noticed things have been going, you know, because we don't
have the modern amenities, although one thing we do have
that's better than you is WiFi. Like most of the
world countries, their Wi Fi is better than ours. Anyway,
(06:46):
very good, Okay, So I used to live in an
old ship house like I do now.
Speaker 4 (06:51):
But and we used to have the bathroom laundry combination
that had a back door out to the line that
was pretty popular in architectural days back then.
Speaker 1 (07:02):
I think architect can for that for us, but I
remember it so vividly. Was because we were having We
used to have like home daycare at our house, right,
So what do you mean? So like my mum was
part of like her motherless group, for example, and because
they all still worked and stuff, there would be like
(07:22):
times where all the kids would stay. It would come
to our place during the day, mayday a Friday one week,
and then it might be someone else's house one week,
something like that.
Speaker 3 (07:31):
I like a cult.
Speaker 5 (07:34):
Yeah it's nice, it's nice. It's a nice col yeah, yes, yeah, yeah. Anyway,
then we used to dance like a commune. Yeah, we
used to dance round a fire. I remember it vividly
because I used that.
Speaker 1 (07:46):
This is the first time I used a big toilet, okay,
and I remember it because I could. I need shit,
I could do this. And I remember I lift up
the seat, sat down, but didn't leave the actual seat,
so I slipped in bum first.
Speaker 3 (08:05):
You put both both. Yeah, the lid in the rim
judged me.
Speaker 1 (08:09):
It was my first sat down and I was like,
oh yeah, and you know, like a quite small kid
to it's quite big. For a small kid slid down
the porcelain, stuck bum in the water, you do. I
just yelled out for ages for someone to come and
get me, and eventually my mom came in and I
was like, have you ever seen that scene in Ocean's
(08:30):
eleven when that guy, the gymnast guy slides into the
small tube. That's what it looked like. You could just
see my head and my feet coming up like that. Anyway,
traumatized as you can imagine, because I had to try
and pull me out of the fucking thing, and trying
to yank me out, had.
Speaker 3 (08:46):
You gone business?
Speaker 1 (08:48):
I was petrified anyway. So then they pulled me out
and I hadn't ship on the floor. Wow, because I
came out.
Speaker 3 (08:56):
You think it is just just just popped in sleep
one night.
Speaker 1 (09:01):
Yeah. Yeah. I was like I was just thinking about
like that Macie now using a big toilet.
Speaker 3 (09:09):
Yeah yeah.
Speaker 1 (09:10):
I was like, we don't fall in, and they're like,
just go. That just reminds me of something else that
happened we used to have. I don't know why, my
parents all of a sudden, for like a small period
of time, became religious.
Speaker 3 (09:25):
Everyone has that little phase.
Speaker 1 (09:26):
It was like, maybe I could save my soul. Remember
we had house like we used to have house church.
This is the nineties, man, everything in your house, didn't
you do it?
Speaker 6 (09:38):
There?
Speaker 1 (09:41):
We had to keep warm was one of them. And
I remember they were having and I was in bed.
I wasn't a young tackle like maybe Oscar's age. I
remember because I had big the flannelette Army's on and
I needed to go to a pool and you had
to go through the kitchen, which was there was the
living through the sermon just about that were in the
(10:01):
living room doing what. I don't know what they were doing.
It's probably more I don't know.
Speaker 3 (10:06):
Like this is religion.
Speaker 1 (10:09):
Who's got I got sort of halfway across the kitchen
as a small boy and got this real big urge
too took ship and it came out the side of
my leg of my Pajami's onto the kitchen floor. Oh god,
this is what I'm working with, living with all this
(10:31):
ship trauma.
Speaker 3 (10:33):
I you know what happens once you start talking about
just it just takes over and takes over.
Speaker 1 (10:39):
I know, because it's like we're at the park as well.
Was like I'm going to go pooh, So honest. Anyway,
moving on from.
Speaker 3 (10:48):
That I've got a story that I'm finally willing to tell.
Speaker 1 (10:53):
Oh I like these.
Speaker 3 (10:55):
Okay, So before my mom moved in with us, you know,
we were looking for a babysit. I recall, and it's
actually very difficult to find a good babysitter.
Speaker 1 (11:05):
Would no, couldn't for because I'm fo, come on, you
were as much money as.
Speaker 3 (11:14):
It's hard to tell the story. Okay, it's very traumatic. Okay,
I'm listening. Can you just be a bit more sympathetic please.
Speaker 1 (11:21):
I'll try. I'll try my very hardest.
Speaker 3 (11:22):
So we interviewed a few babysitters and to be honest,
like even the applications that we got, we went on
a few Facebook groups, got recommendations from a few friends.
None were amazing. We had a couple that were good
that we were like, okay, they're worthy of coming for
a chat face to face. A couple of them no good.
You know, we said, in addition to looking after the kids,
(11:43):
like we'd love it if you know, just one load
of washing, or if you could help do one meal
and I'm talking like a spag bowl, like pretty simple.
And then you know, one of the women like eye
rolled and was like I don't do that. I was like,
oh shit, okay.
Speaker 1 (11:56):
Bag bowl specifically, it's not in same restaurant. However, I
do a mad honey chickens. I quit, I quit, I
quit this.
Speaker 3 (12:13):
That was funny. So we had one lady come through.
All hope was lost and we were like, this is
a disaster. We're never going to find anybody. She came
in Mary Poppies, and she was just lovely. She was warm,
she was kind. She brought in with her coloring in
pencils and paper, so the kids were like, oh my god,
this chick's awesome. Straight away engaging with the children. They
(12:38):
were having fun, and I was like, I think we're
on to a winner here, Like I get good vibes.
So Laura and I afterwards both said, well it's got
to be her right thumbs up. When she's going to
start Monday, let's do it beautiful. She comes in Monday.
And then when she's actually like dealing with the kids,
she's quite meek is the best way to describe.
Speaker 1 (13:00):
But what does that mean?
Speaker 3 (13:01):
So me because in you know, with kids, you can't
really you've got to give them options and a lot
of like you can't say do you want to get dressed.
You got to say like do you want to wear
a T shirt or this or them?
Speaker 1 (13:13):
You need to confuse them because we just asked them
straight up yeah.
Speaker 3 (13:16):
They're going to be no. And so she was like, hey, Tlala,
do you want to get dressed this morning? And she's
like not really, and she's like, oh okay, And then
we look at me and go, I don't know what
to do here, And I was like, that's cool.
Speaker 1 (13:27):
To day one.
Speaker 3 (13:28):
We're kind of everyone's figuring each other out. It's fine,
giving her a lot of slack. So we ended up
kids finally get dressed. And then this is when we
used to drive to daycare, which was like a ten
to fifteen minute drive away, and it's a bit of
a tricky place to park. So I said, I will
drive with you and I can just show you, like
there's a couple of little sneaky car parks that you
(13:48):
can get to drop the kids off at daycare. I'll
come with you. And also just day one, you know,
I just want to also just keep an eye, just
make sure everything's cool. So as we help in the car,
garage door opens foot to the floor, we just out there, wow,
beat out onto the road, no hesitation, slams on the
(14:10):
brakes in the middle of the road, and I was
like whoa, and she was like, so sorry, so sorry.
Speaker 1 (14:16):
That's I'm not usually micromanaged like this.
Speaker 3 (14:19):
She was like, accelerator is a bit sticky, and I
was like, it actually is. It's your car, right, it's
a sticky accelerator.
Speaker 1 (14:25):
Okay. This is her first time in this car. Yeah,
first time on the job.
Speaker 3 (14:30):
First on the job. Okay. So then we start traveling
a daycare. There's an intersection stop sign straight through, no
straight through, and I'm like like clenching, and I'm like,
I'm so sorry. You just gotta be really careful. That
was the stop sign. And she was like, I'm so sorry,
(14:51):
so sorry. I didn't see that. It was an accident.
And I was like, that is fine. Everyone's a bit.
Speaker 1 (14:57):
Nervous make mistakes.
Speaker 3 (14:59):
We have mistakes. We're we're only human ash. Okay. Now
we're driving at a part of it's like the Bond
to Bronze Walk. I don't know if you know it.
It's quite quite famous.
Speaker 1 (15:15):
It must be nice.
Speaker 3 (15:16):
It's a very busy section of the eastern suburbs where
people you haven't lived, So this is during summer. It's
a beautiful day. There's a lot of people out walking
along the.
Speaker 1 (15:27):
Football skin summer, a lot of skin.
Speaker 3 (15:31):
No, I can't engage with that conversation.
Speaker 1 (15:37):
It's a joke, Matthew, carry on. Yes.
Speaker 3 (15:47):
So we're driving along the beach there, and she is
really hugging the curb, nice, really hugging the curb. And
one thing that I dislike is a scratched rim.
Speaker 1 (16:00):
Okay, okay.
Speaker 3 (16:02):
And I was thinking to myself, she's got to be
millimeters away from the curb right now, very very close.
And I thought, I'm not going to say any things.
I don't want to be that guy micromanaging. She knows
what she's doing.
Speaker 1 (16:14):
I think you're already in the car, bro You've crossed
the line of micromanaging.
Speaker 3 (16:17):
So I'm not going to say anything. And then all
of a sudden, in front of us a guy who
was running because it's so busy. He goes to overtake someone.
He steps onto the road right and this is in
front of us, but he doesn't just step onto the
road to overtake. He does a few He's essentially running
(16:38):
in the gutter of the road right now, as we
are also hugging the gutter off the road as we
approach him, and I thought to myself, surely she can
see this guy because she hasn't slowed down in the
slightest She's kept her speeding fast.
Speaker 1 (16:53):
Was this guy running?
Speaker 3 (16:54):
We were catching him. We were approaching him very quickly,
and I thought I should say something. And as I
was about to say something, we clip the runner, hit
and run. He bounces.
Speaker 4 (17:09):
You hit.
Speaker 1 (17:09):
She's hit someone in your car.
Speaker 3 (17:11):
She hit him. He's bounced off the side of the card,
face against my window, then rolled into the car, face
against like the kid's window, and he's then fallen to
the ground. She slams on the brakes.
Speaker 1 (17:26):
Oh my goodness.
Speaker 3 (17:28):
And I was like, oh my, and people there, everyone
stopped because of what just happened.
Speaker 1 (17:33):
Yes, someone just to hit by a fucking car.
Speaker 3 (17:37):
And I hop out and I'm like, are you okay?
By some kind of miracle, He's dusted himself off, and
he goes, I would like to apologize. I was running
on the road and I was like, but you okay,
and he goes, yeah, yeah, I'm totally fine.
Speaker 1 (17:57):
And I was like, oh. He drags himself.
Speaker 3 (18:02):
I'm like, you're missing this. Give him back as ship
and I'm like, this is yours. The kids are like
screaming in the back of the car, this just happened.
The babysitter is also weeping at the wheel, and I'm going, well,
if he's he runs.
Speaker 1 (18:20):
Off, he's gone. He's going off.
Speaker 3 (18:23):
Some kind of terminator to.
Speaker 1 (18:25):
Turn around and run over all the witnesses.
Speaker 3 (18:28):
I said, I think I'll drive from this moment. So
we dropped the kids off. We get back in the car.
She's waiting in the car. She's hysterical, and she's like
as we drive back home, she goes, I've got to
be honest with you. I've never babysat in my life.
What Yeah, she tripped you. She's like, I'm here on
holiday and I really need the money, okay, And I'm like,
(18:51):
what do I do?
Speaker 1 (18:53):
Kick her out?
Speaker 3 (18:54):
Well, I felt back.
Speaker 1 (18:58):
Cool cars.
Speaker 3 (18:59):
Well, I'm I'm thinking, like, I feel bad for this woman, but.
Speaker 1 (19:04):
She really killed someone.
Speaker 3 (19:04):
But it was an accidents. So I was like, let's
just see how the rest of the week goes.
Speaker 1 (19:12):
Oh my goodness.
Speaker 3 (19:14):
And so then after that week, the first week, the
end of the week, I was like, look it's in
my head. I'm like, this is not ideal because you
can't do any driving. I've got to do all the driving.
You really can't get any handle of my kids at all.
Speaker 1 (19:28):
You essentially gained another kid toddler immediately.
Speaker 3 (19:32):
But I was like, I'm just I didn't have it
in me to fire her. But then she came to
me and she's like this isn't working out, is it?
And I was like, oh my god.
Speaker 1 (19:41):
She's like, my holiday is over, isn't it? So yeah,
so where is she now?
Speaker 3 (19:47):
I don't know. I don't know where she ended up,
just I don't know.
Speaker 1 (19:51):
Reason.
Speaker 3 (19:51):
Probably yeah, goodness, my mum retired and now my mom
is in charge.
Speaker 1 (19:58):
How many people is she hitting the car? A couple
because she does your mom drive?
Speaker 3 (20:02):
Thank goodness.
Speaker 1 (20:03):
I was just thinking that, like, here's.
Speaker 3 (20:05):
Too freaked out on the roads in Sydney. And then
I told her that story and she was like, oh, yeah,
So any parents out there who were struggling to find
a babysitter, hey, you're not alone.
Speaker 1 (20:15):
Don't get that one.
Speaker 3 (20:20):
Ash just very very quickly. Here, we don't often share hacks.
It's not what we're about, okay, We're more about complaining.
Speaker 1 (20:29):
I love a good complaint, right, I mean.
Speaker 3 (20:32):
Should we look at doing my hacks and make parenting easier.
Speaker 1 (20:36):
I'm gonna stick with the complaining.
Speaker 3 (20:37):
Yeah, let's let's complaining. Okay. Well, I just found this
one as I was going on a little doom scroll
as I often do at nighttime before I go to bed,
and I think this is good. Okay, I think we're
on the winner. This may be the greatest hack I've
seen all year.
Speaker 6 (20:53):
All right, So what I'm looking at here is a
mechanic chess for tools on it's been converted into a
nappy table, changing table.
Speaker 1 (21:04):
Soft clothes. It looks soft closed to me, and it's
used instead of like having like what are they put
in that thing? Like ratchet set?
Speaker 2 (21:14):
Were real Man Mexicon bolts, what do they call those bolts? Nuts, lugs, screwdrivers, screwdrivers,
scanner crow bars, crow bars?
Speaker 3 (21:35):
They put nappies in there.
Speaker 1 (21:37):
That's more Wow. I think that's really good. And it's
on wheels too.
Speaker 3 (21:43):
And I think he spray painted it as well, which.
Speaker 1 (21:46):
Makes it beautiful. The plug on the side, do we know,
like it plugs in. Maybe it's got like an internal light.
Maybe it vibrates.
Speaker 3 (21:58):
I don't know when the baby's tired. Plug it in.
Speaker 1 (22:03):
Just plug it straight in. It's got one of those
baby charges. No, I think it's very I think that
is worthy of showing me. I think that's that's good gear.
Speaker 3 (22:12):
Shout out to Live Well with Nell.
Speaker 1 (22:15):
Yeah, but also with L with L sorry with Hell
l shit, but also Chester DAWs did the same thing.
Speaker 3 (22:26):
I love how quickly you've gone from like wow, that's incredible.
Speaker 1 (22:30):
I just point out.
Speaker 3 (22:33):
It's time for a very good segment, as with a
new song, not brand spanking, just a new song. It's
a new song.
Speaker 1 (22:40):
I love it.
Speaker 3 (22:41):
Do people love it?
Speaker 1 (22:41):
Probably not?
Speaker 3 (22:43):
Well?
Speaker 1 (22:43):
Here it is.
Speaker 3 (22:46):
A lot of it.
Speaker 1 (22:47):
Pree you say what man? I feel like a pair of.
Speaker 3 (22:54):
Brand okay, pair rants f anyone who's not familiar. Maybe
you're a new listener, Yeah, welcome. Firstly, all the segment
is it's an opportunity for parents to just air out
their frustrations for the week, things that are getting them
pissed off. Rant if you will, a rant if I will,
(23:17):
and you did, I'm going first, I go first.
Speaker 1 (23:21):
This is from Anna. It's quite a long one. Let
me get through this without messing it up, which is unlikely.
And it says what the hell is with the five
girls with the formula that is absolutely unreachable at the
bottom of a formula tin. No matter how much you scoop, shake, dance,
scream or cry, you just never can simply get it
(23:42):
and it ends up going in and recycling along with
the tin.
Speaker 3 (23:46):
Triggered there needs to be some kind of like hole
or cap in the side of a tin or the
bottom or the bottom. This is the lip.
Speaker 1 (23:57):
Saying with remember like the milo tin and yeah.
Speaker 3 (24:00):
There's still something and if you try and like use
your finger to get it out, you end up slicing
your finger over. These are things that I'm about. I'm
about to bring it, I know, and I love that,
and I'm going to be just buried in the trenches
being like look at me, I ask my fingers will
cut up from the ten.
Speaker 1 (24:16):
Do you know what they did with the formula thing?
They had the ring on the inside, but then a
bit of it squared off to actually scoop so that
it squares the scoop off because they're like it was
too accurate.
Speaker 3 (24:28):
Scoops what brand I can't recall find it and tend
it to me.
Speaker 1 (24:32):
I will, and I will, But the problem is you
and instead of losing five dollars worth of formula you
lose ten dollars because the lip is like longer.
Speaker 3 (24:41):
How much has fallen? Six sixth Jesus?
Speaker 1 (24:44):
And what about that time? Then when they're like because
what was happening is people were bootlegging it. I heard
they were who were like buying it all out. And
then it was like when eggs were like like.
Speaker 3 (24:53):
T yeah, people still doing that to formula. Have we
got enough stock now to like quench the appetite of
people who are buying like twenty times?
Speaker 1 (25:01):
I don't know, you're gonna find out.
Speaker 3 (25:02):
I'm gonna find out so much to look forward to.
Sophie has written in and she says parent rooms that
always smell like dirty nappies? Parent rooms?
Speaker 1 (25:11):
Do you think she means like the parent toilet rooms?
So it's like it's weird. It's a weird room. It's
kind of like having a living room in a toilet.
Speaker 3 (25:19):
Yeah, like the arm chair in the corner.
Speaker 1 (25:22):
You walk in, there's like something for the kid the
other kid to play with. You know.
Speaker 3 (25:25):
My rant is you go in there and there's a.
Speaker 1 (25:28):
Full grown man taking a shit.
Speaker 3 (25:32):
When there's a chair, when there's an area to lay
down your child to change their nappy. But there's no
like kid's toilet.
Speaker 1 (25:40):
Oh, the little kid's toilet. Yes, I know what you mean,
thank you, thank you. I know exactly what you mean.
It's all a bit weird for me. I think. I think,
like I said, it's like a living room inside of
a toilet.
Speaker 6 (25:51):
Ah.
Speaker 1 (25:52):
This one comes from Danny L. There's a photo here too,
explosed for a forty dollars barber cup for my boy.
It's awful. Doesn't fix it? That's it fixed? Wow?
Speaker 3 (26:04):
Just for those out there, that's a short fring.
Speaker 1 (26:06):
This the haircut looks.
Speaker 3 (26:09):
Like a simple Jack the movie. I think it was
played by Ben Stiller. Yes, it was played.
Speaker 1 (26:14):
By Ben Stiller in a movie called Tropic Thunder. No, no, no, no, Yeah,
you're thinking about Jack. Simple Jack was It was a
made up movie within a movie.
Speaker 3 (26:23):
No, Simple Jack was a full movie.
Speaker 1 (26:25):
No it's not. Oh my god.
Speaker 3 (26:30):
This one's from Sammy. Yep, my three year old not
staying in her car seat straps. She escapes and then
screams until my ears bleed.
Speaker 1 (26:37):
Yeah, oscar starts to go through the front of the strap.
Speaker 3 (26:40):
That's so annoying, kids.
Speaker 1 (26:43):
Am I right? Very right? This one's from Polly rough
kids at the playground. I'm a lioness. Okay, I'm a
lioness on guard for the next attack like a dog.
Like a dog park. Out there, there's always like one
or two rough kids.
Speaker 3 (26:59):
They and the teenage kids.
Speaker 1 (27:01):
Oh god, here he goes, Oh, they're down the shop.
Speaker 3 (27:07):
This is for Jesse, who says, all people who are
always worried about my kid's feet being cold, they won't
wear shoes, get over it. I saw a child.
Speaker 5 (27:17):
I saw a child.
Speaker 3 (27:18):
It must have been like one. It's winter right now,
it's cold in Sydney that kids.
Speaker 1 (27:22):
Don't feel cold.
Speaker 3 (27:23):
I know he's walking around no shoes and socks on it,
and I was like something.
Speaker 1 (27:26):
Big of the children at pro Oscar got home the
other day and he had short shirt, no shoes, no.
Speaker 3 (27:33):
Socks, like twelve degrees.
Speaker 1 (27:34):
And I was like, we lived in my house. He's acclimatized.
I was like, you eight colds Like nah, I didn't
use my jumper all day today. I was like, he's
wrong with you?
Speaker 3 (27:43):
What is wrong with you?
Speaker 1 (27:45):
Anyway?
Speaker 3 (27:45):
Anyway? Hey, shout out to Aldi who makes this segment
pair ronts possible.
Speaker 1 (27:50):
Just low prices every day, Aldi good different love, them
legend that ac Shually, we finished with a couple of questions.
Oh here's a good one. Kate would like to know
what are our top three kids movies?
Speaker 3 (28:06):
This is number three. I'm kick off with an absolute
bel to here ash and please tell me that you
A love this movie and b have cried in it. Oh,
No Land Before Time?
Speaker 1 (28:20):
Devent what? Sorry? Isn't that a TV series?
Speaker 3 (28:24):
No Land Before Time? It's a it's a cartoon about
the dinosaurs. But like she loses she's like a little
like long neck diplodocus maybe dinosaur, and she loses both
her parents. What her littlefoot who is the main character.
Her mother dies after a fight with a sharp tooth
which is a t rex.
Speaker 1 (28:44):
Holy shit, dude, it's it is. Watch cartoon movies like parents,
parents die, Bambi yeah, crying bamby. Still watch this. I
still can't do that.
Speaker 3 (29:00):
Just the song, the music, it's it's like it's too much.
Speaker 1 (29:05):
I know it's traum. I still can't watch The Lion
King like that one scene or a skipper ah m
mine as well as deep as that one. My third
option is the original the og number one Shrek For
a couple of reasons, Okay, one, it's got a lot
of overlying adult humor in it. Yeah, I love that too.
(29:28):
I feel like movies that have a lot going on
all the time. Kids are glued to it and something gross,
like a big ogre who pulls things out of his ears.
There's wiping. It's got it all. It's got all the jokes,
it's got the fairy tale element to it. And yeah,
that's my number three.
Speaker 3 (29:46):
Yeah, I want to get number two. Little Rascals. Little
Rascal he watched. He's all very nostalgic, very old.
Speaker 1 (29:53):
Here, you're going, you get real going wee.
Speaker 3 (29:58):
Do you know who's in it? Trump makes a cameo
in it?
Speaker 1 (30:02):
Really? Yeah?
Speaker 3 (30:03):
Yeah, But the acting in Little Rascals is just sensational.
His kids are like six, and I'm like, how they
made a movie with this many young children?
Speaker 1 (30:14):
So frustrating?
Speaker 3 (30:15):
Oh my god, nightmare. Yeah, my kids love it. Whenever
it's on, I'm like, well, there goes two hours of
my time.
Speaker 1 (30:23):
It's I've just never seen it, and like, honestly, child
actors back then, they don't make them like that anymore.
My number two is a movie called Back to the Outback. Okay,
what's it about? So It is about a couple of
zoo creatures, okay, in an Australian zoo. So it's Australia.
Speaker 3 (30:41):
Yes, yes, it's amazing.
Speaker 1 (30:43):
Yes, there's a koala. There's a snake, treshla, tarantula.
Speaker 3 (30:48):
The koalas is like the media sensation.
Speaker 1 (30:50):
Yeah yeah, and the snake sort of pulls on your
heartstrings a little bit because love doesn't like to be
portrayed as the bad Yeah. And then the dad it
turns out to be a fake, a fraud.
Speaker 3 (31:01):
Great life lessons that are like undertones throughout.
Speaker 1 (31:04):
Oh I love that.
Speaker 3 (31:05):
Yeah yeah, okay, my my favorite. And I'm just going
to old school. The new stuff doesn't hit as hard
as the old stuff. Honey. I shrunk the kids.
Speaker 1 (31:14):
I've seen that. I have seen that one, the little
pet aunt Oh, and it's gets it's really big because
the shrunk it's a scorpion. What else is in that movie? Fuck?
That was I know it was terrible CGI in it,
but that was for the day, for the time, for
the time. Give us some bit more. He shrinks the kids?
Speaker 3 (31:33):
Right, No, no, no, do you fucking watch the movie
or not?
Speaker 1 (31:37):
I watched it when I was a kid.
Speaker 3 (31:39):
Yeah, so he's like a scientist and he has this
machine that can shrink things, and the kids then they
shrink themselves.
Speaker 1 (31:45):
Is there a sequel to that movie? Oh?
Speaker 3 (31:47):
They did like twenty four Yeah, it got worse and worse.
Speaker 1 (31:50):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (31:51):
Og is obviously the best.
Speaker 1 (31:52):
Okay, well, I definitely want to go back and watch
some of these, and I'm going to go with my
number one, which I'm modern. You're very vintage. See the
first one. I love it now that we all know why.
It's good. Okay, great storyline, great songs, but anything that
has animals singing and dancing in it makes you fross.
(32:13):
She's got a crush on Johnny.
Speaker 3 (32:15):
He's handsome.
Speaker 1 (32:16):
He's a handsome you know, aniples and your heartstrings those
songs so tears not from me, okay, Ash.
Speaker 3 (32:24):
Before we go, we have one last question.
Speaker 1 (32:25):
Yeah, far away.
Speaker 3 (32:26):
This one is from Renee. Renee so curious, and I
know the boys won't find this too weird to ask.
We never judge, was he How do Slash? Did they
make it work with sexy time when you had two kids?
We have a two year old and an eight week old,
and we both find it so hard to make time
for that. I'm drained by the end of the day
and then he usually passes out, putting our two year
(32:47):
old to sleep.
Speaker 1 (32:49):
You're eight week old, sant's back at it eight weeks.
Speaker 3 (32:54):
Good on you, I think, Just be a little less
harsh on yourself. Yes, I don't think anyone is having
a thriving sex live with a newborn kids eight weeks old.
Speaker 1 (33:08):
Everyone's just tired, run down, I think. Okay, let's answer
it in two different ways. One is go easy on
yourself and give it time. That's the first one, right,
because that's so early. But let's just say two young kids,
not newborn.
Speaker 3 (33:24):
It's let's look at like six months down the train.
Speaker 1 (33:27):
Let's look at it. Let's look at it like that,
because if you might be wanting to both answers, this
is what I think, because I know it's so hard,
because like if it's like the kids are there all
day or whatever, there's no nap time. Even when there's
nap time, it's like it's probably a time for you
guys to try and rest, not get back at it,
you know what I mean. But then also like if
(33:47):
you're like, all right, well it's date night. By the
time they go to bed, everyone's just naked it's there's
never really an idea. What I'm trying to say is
try and take the opportunities when they come up, plan
for it.
Speaker 3 (34:01):
Yeah, but I think I'm going to go a step back. Wow,
you go step right back. And I think when you're
coming out of the newborn trenches, right, the last thing
you're thinking about is like having sexy time because you've
just been worried about keeping the house tidy, feeding the kids,
sorting them out. You're exhausted. You had no time to
reconnect as a couple. You can't then get to bed
(34:23):
at ten o'clock at night and then try and flip
that switch and be like, all right, well, let's let's
try and be aroused. True, because it's the last thing
on your mind. So if you were talking to each
other and you're both in the same page that you
want to like rekindle the sex life, you've got to
try and reconnect during the day. You can't just get
to the end of the day and be like, let's
jump into bed and have fireworks.
Speaker 1 (34:45):
We don't know what they're like too. They could be
doing that. It's still getting tired and whatever.
Speaker 3 (34:49):
But I think as a rule, I can guarantee if
you were reconnecting during the entire day, and then you're
not doing that and then not having sex. Like if
you are a asolutely on the same page and you've
got fireworks, you're complimenting each other, you're tactile with each
other throughout the day. If you love each other, you're
going to have sex at the end of the day.
Speaker 1 (35:11):
Yeah, I suppose not every day. No, every day, And
I know what you mean. You want to reconnect emotionally
before the physicality.
Speaker 3 (35:19):
Physically as well. I'm saying. I'm saying, touch each other
during the day, okay, during.
Speaker 1 (35:24):
The day, touch each other during the day, Yeah, take
that out of contact.
Speaker 3 (35:29):
I'm not saying, like go up and like hump her.
Speaker 1 (35:32):
That's exactly what I was thinking. You you mean, I
like it that. It's like, you're right, You should of
be each other's biggest supporters all day and on the
same level and connecting through other different little ways that
aren't necessarily straight up physical, right, and then if you
can find you're right, because if you don't do any
of that and you're just doing your routine, monotonous becoming
(35:56):
some call it the roommate phase.
Speaker 3 (35:57):
Yeah, it's hard to get back together.
Speaker 1 (36:00):
It's tough, but like I agree with you that the
success of the evening comes from what you put in
during the day.
Speaker 3 (36:07):
There it is t shirt, that's the foundation. And also
if you're the guy and you've got a high sex
drive and you really want to reconnect, man, just clean
that house. Yeah you're play baby gee stack that dishwasher,
get that laundry cleaned, mop the floors, because no one
(36:28):
can think about being sexy when the house is a mess.
So you take that off their plate. Tragic will happen?
Speaker 1 (36:36):
Chorre play?
Speaker 3 (36:36):
Chor play?
Speaker 1 (36:37):
All right? Well said on that note, Yeah, time to go.
So if you've enjoyed this episode, please leave a review,
subscribe five stars, a couple of kind words would be lovely,
or you can join us on social media.
Speaker 3 (36:49):
At two dotting dads, on TikTok, we have inscript it's
going nuts. Not as many on the Facebook group at
three thousand, but it's growing.
Speaker 1 (36:57):
It's more intimate.
Speaker 3 (36:58):
It's more intimate. Yeah, it's like the community is just
there's actually a great group of people in there, the
best three thousand people I've ever come across. And also
we're out. That's it. That's it.
Speaker 1 (37:11):
That's where we're out.
Speaker 3 (37:12):
That's it. I think we should wrap it up and
get out of here.
Speaker 5 (37:18):
Okay, goodbye bye O see.
Speaker 1 (37:28):
Okay, I'm getting ready. I just get my fake laugh ready. Okay,
you know how, you fake laugh me all the time.
Speaker 3 (37:33):
I never fake laughing too. Doting Dance Podcast acknowledges the
traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and the connections to land,
see and community.
Speaker 1 (37:43):
We pay our respects to their elders past and present
and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torrestraight Islander
people's today
Are we good? I clap his in. You might need
a microphone for this big guy.
Speaker 2 (00:06):
There he is.
Speaker 3 (00:07):
Oops, sorry about that. I was like, I just roared it. Okay,
I'm back, I'm back.
Speaker 1 (00:16):
You look good.
Speaker 3 (00:16):
Hey, you look great?
Speaker 1 (00:17):
You look better?
Speaker 3 (00:18):
Hat backwards?
Speaker 1 (00:19):
Yeah? Something? It mix it up?
Speaker 3 (00:21):
You know what are you talking about?
Speaker 1 (00:23):
That? That's how to talk now like this.
Speaker 3 (00:25):
It changed my whole I don't know how to say
this politely.
Speaker 1 (00:28):
Be careful.
Speaker 3 (00:45):
Welcome back to two body Guards. I am Mattie J.
And this is a podcast all about parenting. It is
the good, it is the bad and the relatable. And
if you come for advice, shock horror, we don't do it.
We are too dumb dads who happen to be doting
two dopey, dumb day teen dads. Dangerously handsome dads, that's
(01:07):
more likely. There we go anyway back. I can't stop
looking at you with that hat backwards.
Speaker 1 (01:12):
Okay, stop drooling?
Speaker 3 (01:13):
Wow, wait till people watch these videos on socials?
Speaker 1 (01:18):
Oh my god, oh.
Speaker 3 (01:20):
My god, how old are you again? Hit the gritty thirty.
Speaker 1 (01:25):
Four, thirty thirty five in August? Oh yuck, thank you,
that's middle aged. Thirty eight is middle aged? Actually, is
it technically.
Speaker 3 (01:37):
An asshole?
Speaker 1 (01:40):
Very good? How are you, big guy?
Speaker 3 (01:42):
Look at the moment, Lola is really worried about something. Yeah,
it's a front of mine and that thing is monsters.
Speaker 1 (01:56):
I see. Why where is she get where you're from?
I don't know.
Speaker 3 (02:01):
Maybe I'm trying to think if I made her watch
Monsters inc.
Speaker 1 (02:04):
Big mistake, big mistake.
Speaker 3 (02:06):
I know, I know we heard that story.
Speaker 1 (02:08):
The first scene in that it's simulator of a kid
screaming as lung.
Speaker 3 (02:13):
It's PTSD. How that got signed off as a kid's movie?
Speaker 1 (02:16):
Different times, different times? Yeah, you can eat your kids back.
Speaker 3 (02:19):
Then she's just really obsessed with monsters, really obsessed.
Speaker 1 (02:25):
Do the monsters have like any characteristics?
Speaker 3 (02:28):
Not really? When at nighttime when put to bed, she go,
my dad, the monsters in the room, and I go, no,
the not She goes, he's laying. But then one morning
she woke up and she came to our bed. It
must have been pretty early five in the morning. On
that cusp of like will they get back to sleep
or won't they? She was like, guys, can you tell
(02:48):
me a story? Talking to me and Laura, and I
was like, oh god, try and think of a story.
Speaker 1 (02:54):
Once was a monster that lived in your bedroom.
Speaker 3 (02:57):
Whataura goes, I got the story. Don't worry, I got
this one. She goes, there was a little monster that
lived in your wardrobe and it was a cute, little
baby monster. And I was like, Laura, your breast. I
was like, what do you think you're doing? She goes,
(03:18):
I got this, I got this, And she tried to
spin a beautiful tale about a little cute baby monster
who didn't have a mummy and daddy and who was
looked after by the house that she was hiding within.
I e Lola saved her and told this beautiful story
of how the monster and Lola became best friends.
Speaker 1 (03:37):
How that go down.
Speaker 3 (03:39):
And Lola was like, okay, so there is a monster.
Speaker 1 (03:45):
And I was like what she points told?
Speaker 3 (03:49):
She was in tears, being like there's a monster in
my room. I was like, what are you? What are
you doing? And I don't want you know, Laura's pregnant.
I'm going to cut some slack. I'm not going to
address this to her personally. I'm just going.
Speaker 1 (04:01):
To hear it behind her back.
Speaker 3 (04:05):
So we're dealing with the monsters now.
Speaker 1 (04:07):
Still that didn't Obviously that didn't work. No, so both
kids now using the big toilet. Happy congratulations to me
and all of us, and without a whole lot of effort,
if I'm completely honest, like I feel like, you know,
everyone's like sweating and ship. It was a I was like,
(04:31):
pretty easy, Okay, it's funny. I do nothing. No, I
do plenty, thank you, just not that. No, they were
pretty good at like sort of toilet training themselves. But
I got me thinking. I got me thinking about use
the first time I used a big toilet. Do you
remember the first time you might have used the toilet? Yeah?
Speaker 3 (04:54):
I ended up getting circumcised afterwards.
Speaker 1 (04:58):
Thanks for my god, I mean sitting on it, not
actually peeing in it. Sorry, I'm sorry to bring up that.
Speaker 3 (05:08):
Wow, that's my first memory is my mum being like,
which one of you fucking kids just pissing all over
the walls and then and then she then stood there
and watched us piss one by one until finally it
was my turn and pissed everywhere anyway anyway, and then
but please sorry, I'm sorry, sorry I'll bring that up.
(05:29):
But at the same time, and I woke up in
hospital and my dick had been cut off.
Speaker 1 (05:33):
Yeah, that's right. That's great.
Speaker 3 (05:34):
So for those of you who aren't aware, I was
circumcised at the age of six because I had too
much foreskin.
Speaker 1 (05:39):
They used to move along. They used to call him
six skin, Maddie. I just gotta be thinking about using
the toilet for the first time. Stop making this about you.
Let me make this about me again. And we used
to live in an old firebro shithole shack, the same
one where Oh my god, wow, how dare I go
(06:05):
full circle? I've gone full circle? Poverty family grew up
moving to a poverty house.
Speaker 3 (06:14):
I'm so sorry. It must be nice to have hinting
and hot water and that was take that out, just
remove that.
Speaker 1 (06:23):
People need to see who you really are. Anyway, I'm
going to take some hot water home with Haven't you
noticed things have been going, you know, because we don't
have the modern amenities, although one thing we do have
that's better than you is WiFi. Like most of the
world countries, their Wi Fi is better than ours. Anyway,
(06:46):
very good, Okay, So I used to live in an
old ship house like I do now.
Speaker 4 (06:51):
But and we used to have the bathroom laundry combination
that had a back door out to the line that
was pretty popular in architectural days back then.
Speaker 1 (07:02):
I think architect can for that for us, but I
remember it so vividly. Was because we were having We
used to have like home daycare at our house, right,
So what do you mean? So like my mum was
part of like her motherless group, for example, and because
they all still worked and stuff, there would be like
(07:22):
times where all the kids would stay. It would come
to our place during the day, mayday a Friday one week,
and then it might be someone else's house one week,
something like that.
Speaker 3 (07:31):
I like a cult.
Speaker 5 (07:34):
Yeah it's nice, it's nice. It's a nice col yeah, yes, yeah, yeah. Anyway,
then we used to dance like a commune. Yeah, we
used to dance round a fire. I remember it vividly
because I used that.
Speaker 1 (07:46):
This is the first time I used a big toilet, okay,
and I remember it because I could. I need shit,
I could do this. And I remember I lift up
the seat, sat down, but didn't leave the actual seat,
so I slipped in bum first.
Speaker 3 (08:05):
You put both both. Yeah, the lid in the rim
judged me.
Speaker 1 (08:09):
It was my first sat down and I was like,
oh yeah, and you know, like a quite small kid
to it's quite big. For a small kid slid down
the porcelain, stuck bum in the water, you do. I
just yelled out for ages for someone to come and
get me, and eventually my mom came in and I
was like, have you ever seen that scene in Ocean's
(08:30):
eleven when that guy, the gymnast guy slides into the
small tube. That's what it looked like. You could just
see my head and my feet coming up like that. Anyway,
traumatized as you can imagine, because I had to try
and pull me out of the fucking thing, and trying
to yank me out, had.
Speaker 3 (08:46):
You gone business?
Speaker 1 (08:48):
I was petrified anyway. So then they pulled me out
and I hadn't ship on the floor. Wow, because I
came out.
Speaker 3 (08:56):
You think it is just just just popped in sleep
one night.
Speaker 1 (09:01):
Yeah. Yeah. I was like I was just thinking about
like that Macie now using a big toilet.
Speaker 3 (09:09):
Yeah yeah.
Speaker 1 (09:10):
I was like, we don't fall in, and they're like,
just go. That just reminds me of something else that
happened we used to have. I don't know why, my
parents all of a sudden, for like a small period
of time, became religious.
Speaker 3 (09:25):
Everyone has that little phase.
Speaker 1 (09:26):
It was like, maybe I could save my soul. Remember
we had house like we used to have house church.
This is the nineties, man, everything in your house, didn't
you do it?
Speaker 6 (09:38):
There?
Speaker 1 (09:41):
We had to keep warm was one of them. And
I remember they were having and I was in bed.
I wasn't a young tackle like maybe Oscar's age. I
remember because I had big the flannelette Army's on and
I needed to go to a pool and you had
to go through the kitchen, which was there was the
living through the sermon just about that were in the
(10:01):
living room doing what. I don't know what they were doing.
It's probably more I don't know.
Speaker 3 (10:06):
Like this is religion.
Speaker 1 (10:09):
Who's got I got sort of halfway across the kitchen
as a small boy and got this real big urge
too took ship and it came out the side of
my leg of my Pajami's onto the kitchen floor. Oh god,
this is what I'm working with, living with all this
(10:31):
ship trauma.
Speaker 3 (10:33):
I you know what happens once you start talking about
just it just takes over and takes over.
Speaker 1 (10:39):
I know, because it's like we're at the park as well.
Was like I'm going to go pooh, So honest. Anyway,
moving on from.
Speaker 3 (10:48):
That I've got a story that I'm finally willing to tell.
Speaker 1 (10:53):
Oh I like these.
Speaker 3 (10:55):
Okay, So before my mom moved in with us, you know,
we were looking for a babysit. I recall, and it's
actually very difficult to find a good babysitter.
Speaker 1 (11:05):
Would no, couldn't for because I'm fo, come on, you
were as much money as.
Speaker 3 (11:14):
It's hard to tell the story. Okay, it's very traumatic. Okay,
I'm listening. Can you just be a bit more sympathetic please.
Speaker 1 (11:21):
I'll try. I'll try my very hardest.
Speaker 3 (11:22):
So we interviewed a few babysitters and to be honest,
like even the applications that we got, we went on
a few Facebook groups, got recommendations from a few friends.
None were amazing. We had a couple that were good
that we were like, okay, they're worthy of coming for
a chat face to face. A couple of them no good.
You know, we said, in addition to looking after the kids,
(11:43):
like we'd love it if you know, just one load
of washing, or if you could help do one meal
and I'm talking like a spag bowl, like pretty simple.
And then you know, one of the women like eye
rolled and was like I don't do that. I was like,
oh shit, okay.
Speaker 1 (11:56):
Bag bowl specifically, it's not in same restaurant. However, I
do a mad honey chickens. I quit, I quit, I
quit this.
Speaker 3 (12:13):
That was funny. So we had one lady come through.
All hope was lost and we were like, this is
a disaster. We're never going to find anybody. She came
in Mary Poppies, and she was just lovely. She was warm,
she was kind. She brought in with her coloring in
pencils and paper, so the kids were like, oh my god,
this chick's awesome. Straight away engaging with the children. They
(12:38):
were having fun, and I was like, I think we're
on to a winner here, Like I get good vibes.
So Laura and I afterwards both said, well it's got
to be her right thumbs up. When she's going to
start Monday, let's do it beautiful. She comes in Monday.
And then when she's actually like dealing with the kids,
she's quite meek is the best way to describe.
Speaker 1 (13:00):
But what does that mean?
Speaker 3 (13:01):
So me because in you know, with kids, you can't
really you've got to give them options and a lot
of like you can't say do you want to get dressed.
You got to say like do you want to wear
a T shirt or this or them?
Speaker 1 (13:13):
You need to confuse them because we just asked them
straight up yeah.
Speaker 3 (13:16):
They're going to be no. And so she was like, hey, Tlala,
do you want to get dressed this morning? And she's
like not really, and she's like, oh okay, And then
we look at me and go, I don't know what
to do here, And I was like, that's cool.
Speaker 1 (13:27):
To day one.
Speaker 3 (13:28):
We're kind of everyone's figuring each other out. It's fine,
giving her a lot of slack. So we ended up
kids finally get dressed. And then this is when we
used to drive to daycare, which was like a ten
to fifteen minute drive away, and it's a bit of
a tricky place to park. So I said, I will
drive with you and I can just show you, like
there's a couple of little sneaky car parks that you
(13:48):
can get to drop the kids off at daycare. I'll
come with you. And also just day one, you know,
I just want to also just keep an eye, just
make sure everything's cool. So as we help in the car,
garage door opens foot to the floor, we just out there, wow,
beat out onto the road, no hesitation, slams on the
(14:10):
brakes in the middle of the road, and I was
like whoa, and she was like, so sorry, so sorry.
Speaker 1 (14:16):
That's I'm not usually micromanaged like this.
Speaker 3 (14:19):
She was like, accelerator is a bit sticky, and I
was like, it actually is. It's your car, right, it's
a sticky accelerator.
Speaker 1 (14:25):
Okay. This is her first time in this car. Yeah,
first time on the job.
Speaker 3 (14:30):
First on the job. Okay. So then we start traveling
a daycare. There's an intersection stop sign straight through, no
straight through, and I'm like like clenching, and I'm like,
I'm so sorry. You just gotta be really careful. That
was the stop sign. And she was like, I'm so sorry,
(14:51):
so sorry. I didn't see that. It was an accident.
And I was like, that is fine. Everyone's a bit.
Speaker 1 (14:57):
Nervous make mistakes.
Speaker 3 (14:59):
We have mistakes. We're we're only human ash. Okay. Now
we're driving at a part of it's like the Bond
to Bronze Walk. I don't know if you know it.
It's quite quite famous.
Speaker 1 (15:15):
It must be nice.
Speaker 3 (15:16):
It's a very busy section of the eastern suburbs where
people you haven't lived, So this is during summer. It's
a beautiful day. There's a lot of people out walking
along the.
Speaker 1 (15:27):
Football skin summer, a lot of skin.
Speaker 3 (15:31):
No, I can't engage with that conversation.
Speaker 1 (15:37):
It's a joke, Matthew, carry on. Yes.
Speaker 3 (15:47):
So we're driving along the beach there, and she is
really hugging the curb, nice, really hugging the curb. And
one thing that I dislike is a scratched rim.
Speaker 1 (16:00):
Okay, okay.
Speaker 3 (16:02):
And I was thinking to myself, she's got to be
millimeters away from the curb right now, very very close.
And I thought, I'm not going to say any things.
I don't want to be that guy micromanaging. She knows
what she's doing.
Speaker 1 (16:14):
I think you're already in the car, bro You've crossed
the line of micromanaging.
Speaker 3 (16:17):
So I'm not going to say anything. And then all
of a sudden, in front of us a guy who
was running because it's so busy. He goes to overtake someone.
He steps onto the road right and this is in
front of us, but he doesn't just step onto the
road to overtake. He does a few He's essentially running
(16:38):
in the gutter of the road right now, as we
are also hugging the gutter off the road as we
approach him, and I thought to myself, surely she can
see this guy because she hasn't slowed down in the
slightest She's kept her speeding fast.
Speaker 1 (16:53):
Was this guy running?
Speaker 3 (16:54):
We were catching him. We were approaching him very quickly,
and I thought I should say something. And as I
was about to say something, we clip the runner, hit
and run. He bounces.
Speaker 4 (17:09):
You hit.
Speaker 1 (17:09):
She's hit someone in your car.
Speaker 3 (17:11):
She hit him. He's bounced off the side of the card,
face against my window, then rolled into the car, face
against like the kid's window, and he's then fallen to
the ground. She slams on the brakes.
Speaker 1 (17:26):
Oh my goodness.
Speaker 3 (17:28):
And I was like, oh my, and people there, everyone
stopped because of what just happened.
Speaker 1 (17:33):
Yes, someone just to hit by a fucking car.
Speaker 3 (17:37):
And I hop out and I'm like, are you okay?
By some kind of miracle, He's dusted himself off, and
he goes, I would like to apologize. I was running
on the road and I was like, but you okay,
and he goes, yeah, yeah, I'm totally fine.
Speaker 1 (17:57):
And I was like, oh. He drags himself.
Speaker 3 (18:02):
I'm like, you're missing this. Give him back as ship
and I'm like, this is yours. The kids are like
screaming in the back of the car, this just happened.
The babysitter is also weeping at the wheel, and I'm going, well,
if he's he runs.
Speaker 1 (18:20):
Off, he's gone. He's going off.
Speaker 3 (18:23):
Some kind of terminator to.
Speaker 1 (18:25):
Turn around and run over all the witnesses.
Speaker 3 (18:28):
I said, I think I'll drive from this moment. So
we dropped the kids off. We get back in the car.
She's waiting in the car. She's hysterical, and she's like
as we drive back home, she goes, I've got to
be honest with you. I've never babysat in my life.
What Yeah, she tripped you. She's like, I'm here on
holiday and I really need the money, okay, And I'm like,
(18:51):
what do I do?
Speaker 1 (18:53):
Kick her out?
Speaker 3 (18:54):
Well, I felt back.
Speaker 1 (18:58):
Cool cars.
Speaker 3 (18:59):
Well, I'm I'm thinking, like, I feel bad for this woman, but.
Speaker 1 (19:04):
She really killed someone.
Speaker 3 (19:04):
But it was an accidents. So I was like, let's
just see how the rest of the week goes.
Speaker 1 (19:12):
Oh my goodness.
Speaker 3 (19:14):
And so then after that week, the first week, the
end of the week, I was like, look it's in
my head. I'm like, this is not ideal because you
can't do any driving. I've got to do all the driving.
You really can't get any handle of my kids at all.
Speaker 1 (19:28):
You essentially gained another kid toddler immediately.
Speaker 3 (19:32):
But I was like, I'm just I didn't have it
in me to fire her. But then she came to
me and she's like this isn't working out, is it?
And I was like, oh my god.
Speaker 1 (19:41):
She's like, my holiday is over, isn't it? So yeah,
so where is she now?
Speaker 3 (19:47):
I don't know. I don't know where she ended up,
just I don't know.
Speaker 1 (19:51):
Reason.
Speaker 3 (19:51):
Probably yeah, goodness, my mum retired and now my mom
is in charge.
Speaker 1 (19:58):
How many people is she hitting the car? A couple
because she does your mom drive?
Speaker 3 (20:02):
Thank goodness.
Speaker 1 (20:03):
I was just thinking that, like, here's.
Speaker 3 (20:05):
Too freaked out on the roads in Sydney. And then
I told her that story and she was like, oh, yeah,
So any parents out there who were struggling to find
a babysitter, hey, you're not alone.
Speaker 1 (20:15):
Don't get that one.
Speaker 3 (20:20):
Ash just very very quickly. Here, we don't often share hacks.
It's not what we're about, okay, We're more about complaining.
Speaker 1 (20:29):
I love a good complaint, right, I mean.
Speaker 3 (20:32):
Should we look at doing my hacks and make parenting easier.
Speaker 1 (20:36):
I'm gonna stick with the complaining.
Speaker 3 (20:37):
Yeah, let's let's complaining. Okay. Well, I just found this
one as I was going on a little doom scroll
as I often do at nighttime before I go to bed,
and I think this is good. Okay, I think we're
on the winner. This may be the greatest hack I've
seen all year.
Speaker 6 (20:53):
All right, So what I'm looking at here is a
mechanic chess for tools on it's been converted into a
nappy table, changing table.
Speaker 1 (21:04):
Soft clothes. It looks soft closed to me, and it's
used instead of like having like what are they put
in that thing? Like ratchet set?
Speaker 2 (21:14):
Were real Man Mexicon bolts, what do they call those bolts? Nuts, lugs, screwdrivers, screwdrivers,
scanner crow bars, crow bars?
Speaker 3 (21:35):
They put nappies in there.
Speaker 1 (21:37):
That's more Wow. I think that's really good. And it's
on wheels too.
Speaker 3 (21:43):
And I think he spray painted it as well, which.
Speaker 1 (21:46):
Makes it beautiful. The plug on the side, do we know,
like it plugs in. Maybe it's got like an internal light.
Maybe it vibrates.
Speaker 3 (21:58):
I don't know when the baby's tired. Plug it in.
Speaker 1 (22:03):
Just plug it straight in. It's got one of those
baby charges. No, I think it's very I think that
is worthy of showing me. I think that's that's good gear.
Speaker 3 (22:12):
Shout out to Live Well with Nell.
Speaker 1 (22:15):
Yeah, but also with L with L sorry with Hell
l shit, but also Chester DAWs did the same thing.
Speaker 3 (22:26):
I love how quickly you've gone from like wow, that's incredible.
Speaker 1 (22:30):
I just point out.
Speaker 3 (22:33):
It's time for a very good segment, as with a
new song, not brand spanking, just a new song. It's
a new song.
Speaker 1 (22:40):
I love it.
Speaker 3 (22:41):
Do people love it?
Speaker 1 (22:41):
Probably not?
Speaker 3 (22:43):
Well?
Speaker 1 (22:43):
Here it is.
Speaker 3 (22:46):
A lot of it.
Speaker 1 (22:47):
Pree you say what man? I feel like a pair of.
Speaker 3 (22:54):
Brand okay, pair rants f anyone who's not familiar. Maybe
you're a new listener, Yeah, welcome. Firstly, all the segment
is it's an opportunity for parents to just air out
their frustrations for the week, things that are getting them
pissed off. Rant if you will, a rant if I will,
(23:17):
and you did, I'm going first, I go first.
Speaker 1 (23:21):
This is from Anna. It's quite a long one. Let
me get through this without messing it up, which is unlikely.
And it says what the hell is with the five
girls with the formula that is absolutely unreachable at the
bottom of a formula tin. No matter how much you scoop, shake, dance,
scream or cry, you just never can simply get it
(23:42):
and it ends up going in and recycling along with
the tin.
Speaker 3 (23:46):
Triggered there needs to be some kind of like hole
or cap in the side of a tin or the
bottom or the bottom. This is the lip.
Speaker 1 (23:57):
Saying with remember like the milo tin and yeah.
Speaker 3 (24:00):
There's still something and if you try and like use
your finger to get it out, you end up slicing
your finger over. These are things that I'm about. I'm
about to bring it, I know, and I love that,
and I'm going to be just buried in the trenches
being like look at me, I ask my fingers will
cut up from the ten.
Speaker 1 (24:16):
Do you know what they did with the formula thing?
They had the ring on the inside, but then a
bit of it squared off to actually scoop so that
it squares the scoop off because they're like it was
too accurate.
Speaker 3 (24:28):
Scoops what brand I can't recall find it and tend
it to me.
Speaker 1 (24:32):
I will, and I will, But the problem is you
and instead of losing five dollars worth of formula you
lose ten dollars because the lip is like longer.
Speaker 3 (24:41):
How much has fallen? Six sixth Jesus?
Speaker 1 (24:44):
And what about that time? Then when they're like because
what was happening is people were bootlegging it. I heard
they were who were like buying it all out. And
then it was like when eggs were like like.
Speaker 3 (24:53):
T yeah, people still doing that to formula. Have we
got enough stock now to like quench the appetite of
people who are buying like twenty times?
Speaker 1 (25:01):
I don't know, you're gonna find out.
Speaker 3 (25:02):
I'm gonna find out so much to look forward to.
Sophie has written in and she says parent rooms that
always smell like dirty nappies? Parent rooms?
Speaker 1 (25:11):
Do you think she means like the parent toilet rooms?
So it's like it's weird. It's a weird room. It's
kind of like having a living room in a toilet.
Speaker 3 (25:19):
Yeah, like the arm chair in the corner.
Speaker 1 (25:22):
You walk in, there's like something for the kid the
other kid to play with. You know.
Speaker 3 (25:25):
My rant is you go in there and there's a.
Speaker 1 (25:28):
Full grown man taking a shit.
Speaker 3 (25:32):
When there's a chair, when there's an area to lay
down your child to change their nappy. But there's no
like kid's toilet.
Speaker 1 (25:40):
Oh, the little kid's toilet. Yes, I know what you mean,
thank you, thank you. I know exactly what you mean.
It's all a bit weird for me. I think. I think,
like I said, it's like a living room inside of
a toilet.
Speaker 6 (25:51):
Ah.
Speaker 1 (25:52):
This one comes from Danny L. There's a photo here too,
explosed for a forty dollars barber cup for my boy.
It's awful. Doesn't fix it? That's it fixed? Wow?
Speaker 3 (26:04):
Just for those out there, that's a short fring.
Speaker 1 (26:06):
This the haircut looks.
Speaker 3 (26:09):
Like a simple Jack the movie. I think it was
played by Ben Stiller. Yes, it was played.
Speaker 1 (26:14):
By Ben Stiller in a movie called Tropic Thunder. No, no, no, no, Yeah,
you're thinking about Jack. Simple Jack was It was a
made up movie within a movie.
Speaker 3 (26:23):
No, Simple Jack was a full movie.
Speaker 1 (26:25):
No it's not. Oh my god.
Speaker 3 (26:30):
This one's from Sammy. Yep, my three year old not
staying in her car seat straps. She escapes and then
screams until my ears bleed.
Speaker 1 (26:37):
Yeah, oscar starts to go through the front of the strap.
Speaker 3 (26:40):
That's so annoying, kids.
Speaker 1 (26:43):
Am I right? Very right? This one's from Polly rough
kids at the playground. I'm a lioness. Okay, I'm a
lioness on guard for the next attack like a dog.
Like a dog park. Out there, there's always like one
or two rough kids.
Speaker 3 (26:59):
They and the teenage kids.
Speaker 1 (27:01):
Oh god, here he goes, Oh, they're down the shop.
Speaker 3 (27:07):
This is for Jesse, who says, all people who are
always worried about my kid's feet being cold, they won't
wear shoes, get over it. I saw a child.
Speaker 5 (27:17):
I saw a child.
Speaker 3 (27:18):
It must have been like one. It's winter right now,
it's cold in Sydney that kids.
Speaker 1 (27:22):
Don't feel cold.
Speaker 3 (27:23):
I know he's walking around no shoes and socks on it,
and I was like something.
Speaker 1 (27:26):
Big of the children at pro Oscar got home the
other day and he had short shirt, no shoes, no.
Speaker 3 (27:33):
Socks, like twelve degrees.
Speaker 1 (27:34):
And I was like, we lived in my house. He's acclimatized.
I was like, you eight colds Like nah, I didn't
use my jumper all day today. I was like, he's
wrong with you?
Speaker 3 (27:43):
What is wrong with you?
Speaker 1 (27:45):
Anyway?
Speaker 3 (27:45):
Anyway? Hey, shout out to Aldi who makes this segment
pair ronts possible.
Speaker 1 (27:50):
Just low prices every day, Aldi good different love, them
legend that ac Shually, we finished with a couple of questions.
Oh here's a good one. Kate would like to know
what are our top three kids movies?
Speaker 3 (28:06):
This is number three. I'm kick off with an absolute
bel to here ash and please tell me that you
A love this movie and b have cried in it. Oh,
No Land Before Time?
Speaker 1 (28:20):
Devent what? Sorry? Isn't that a TV series?
Speaker 3 (28:24):
No Land Before Time? It's a it's a cartoon about
the dinosaurs. But like she loses she's like a little
like long neck diplodocus maybe dinosaur, and she loses both
her parents. What her littlefoot who is the main character.
Her mother dies after a fight with a sharp tooth
which is a t rex.
Speaker 1 (28:44):
Holy shit, dude, it's it is. Watch cartoon movies like parents,
parents die, Bambi yeah, crying bamby. Still watch this. I
still can't do that.
Speaker 3 (29:00):
Just the song, the music, it's it's like it's too much.
Speaker 1 (29:05):
I know it's traum. I still can't watch The Lion
King like that one scene or a skipper ah m
mine as well as deep as that one. My third
option is the original the og number one Shrek For
a couple of reasons, Okay, one, it's got a lot
of overlying adult humor in it. Yeah, I love that too.
(29:28):
I feel like movies that have a lot going on
all the time. Kids are glued to it and something gross,
like a big ogre who pulls things out of his ears.
There's wiping. It's got it all. It's got all the jokes,
it's got the fairy tale element to it. And yeah,
that's my number three.
Speaker 3 (29:46):
Yeah, I want to get number two. Little Rascals. Little
Rascal he watched. He's all very nostalgic, very old.
Speaker 1 (29:53):
Here, you're going, you get real going wee.
Speaker 3 (29:58):
Do you know who's in it? Trump makes a cameo
in it?
Speaker 1 (30:02):
Really? Yeah?
Speaker 3 (30:03):
Yeah, But the acting in Little Rascals is just sensational.
His kids are like six, and I'm like, how they
made a movie with this many young children?
Speaker 1 (30:14):
So frustrating?
Speaker 3 (30:15):
Oh my god, nightmare. Yeah, my kids love it. Whenever
it's on, I'm like, well, there goes two hours of
my time.
Speaker 1 (30:23):
It's I've just never seen it, and like, honestly, child
actors back then, they don't make them like that anymore.
My number two is a movie called Back to the Outback. Okay,
what's it about? So It is about a couple of
zoo creatures, okay, in an Australian zoo. So it's Australia.
Speaker 3 (30:41):
Yes, yes, it's amazing.
Speaker 1 (30:43):
Yes, there's a koala. There's a snake, treshla, tarantula.
Speaker 3 (30:48):
The koalas is like the media sensation.
Speaker 1 (30:50):
Yeah yeah, and the snake sort of pulls on your
heartstrings a little bit because love doesn't like to be
portrayed as the bad Yeah. And then the dad it
turns out to be a fake, a fraud.
Speaker 3 (31:01):
Great life lessons that are like undertones throughout.
Speaker 1 (31:04):
Oh I love that.
Speaker 3 (31:05):
Yeah yeah, okay, my my favorite. And I'm just going
to old school. The new stuff doesn't hit as hard
as the old stuff. Honey. I shrunk the kids.
Speaker 1 (31:14):
I've seen that. I have seen that one, the little
pet aunt Oh, and it's gets it's really big because
the shrunk it's a scorpion. What else is in that movie? Fuck?
That was I know it was terrible CGI in it,
but that was for the day, for the time, for
the time. Give us some bit more. He shrinks the kids?
Speaker 3 (31:33):
Right, No, no, no, do you fucking watch the movie
or not?
Speaker 1 (31:37):
I watched it when I was a kid.
Speaker 3 (31:39):
Yeah, so he's like a scientist and he has this
machine that can shrink things, and the kids then they
shrink themselves.
Speaker 1 (31:45):
Is there a sequel to that movie? Oh?
Speaker 3 (31:47):
They did like twenty four Yeah, it got worse and worse.
Speaker 1 (31:50):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (31:51):
Og is obviously the best.
Speaker 1 (31:52):
Okay, well, I definitely want to go back and watch
some of these, and I'm going to go with my
number one, which I'm modern. You're very vintage. See the
first one. I love it now that we all know why.
It's good. Okay, great storyline, great songs, but anything that
has animals singing and dancing in it makes you fross.
(32:13):
She's got a crush on Johnny.
Speaker 3 (32:15):
He's handsome.
Speaker 1 (32:16):
He's a handsome you know, aniples and your heartstrings those
songs so tears not from me, okay, Ash.
Speaker 3 (32:24):
Before we go, we have one last question.
Speaker 1 (32:25):
Yeah, far away.
Speaker 3 (32:26):
This one is from Renee. Renee so curious, and I
know the boys won't find this too weird to ask.
We never judge, was he How do Slash? Did they
make it work with sexy time when you had two kids?
We have a two year old and an eight week old,
and we both find it so hard to make time
for that. I'm drained by the end of the day
and then he usually passes out, putting our two year
(32:47):
old to sleep.
Speaker 1 (32:49):
You're eight week old, sant's back at it eight weeks.
Speaker 3 (32:54):
Good on you, I think, Just be a little less
harsh on yourself. Yes, I don't think anyone is having
a thriving sex live with a newborn kids eight weeks old.
Speaker 1 (33:08):
Everyone's just tired, run down, I think. Okay, let's answer
it in two different ways. One is go easy on
yourself and give it time. That's the first one, right,
because that's so early. But let's just say two young kids,
not newborn.
Speaker 3 (33:24):
It's let's look at like six months down the train.
Speaker 1 (33:27):
Let's look at it. Let's look at it like that,
because if you might be wanting to both answers, this
is what I think, because I know it's so hard,
because like if it's like the kids are there all
day or whatever, there's no nap time. Even when there's
nap time, it's like it's probably a time for you
guys to try and rest, not get back at it,
you know what I mean. But then also like if
(33:47):
you're like, all right, well it's date night. By the
time they go to bed, everyone's just naked it's there's
never really an idea. What I'm trying to say is
try and take the opportunities when they come up, plan
for it.
Speaker 3 (34:01):
Yeah, but I think I'm going to go a step back. Wow,
you go step right back. And I think when you're
coming out of the newborn trenches, right, the last thing
you're thinking about is like having sexy time because you've
just been worried about keeping the house tidy, feeding the kids,
sorting them out. You're exhausted. You had no time to
reconnect as a couple. You can't then get to bed
(34:23):
at ten o'clock at night and then try and flip
that switch and be like, all right, well, let's let's
try and be aroused. True, because it's the last thing
on your mind. So if you were talking to each
other and you're both in the same page that you
want to like rekindle the sex life, you've got to
try and reconnect during the day. You can't just get
to the end of the day and be like, let's
jump into bed and have fireworks.
Speaker 1 (34:45):
We don't know what they're like too. They could be
doing that. It's still getting tired and whatever.
Speaker 3 (34:49):
But I think as a rule, I can guarantee if
you were reconnecting during the entire day, and then you're
not doing that and then not having sex. Like if
you are a asolutely on the same page and you've
got fireworks, you're complimenting each other, you're tactile with each
other throughout the day. If you love each other, you're
going to have sex at the end of the day.
Speaker 1 (35:11):
Yeah, I suppose not every day. No, every day, And
I know what you mean. You want to reconnect emotionally
before the physicality.
Speaker 3 (35:19):
Physically as well. I'm saying. I'm saying, touch each other
during the day, okay, during.
Speaker 1 (35:24):
The day, touch each other during the day, Yeah, take
that out of contact.
Speaker 3 (35:29):
I'm not saying, like go up and like hump her.
Speaker 1 (35:32):
That's exactly what I was thinking. You you mean, I
like it that. It's like, you're right, You should of
be each other's biggest supporters all day and on the
same level and connecting through other different little ways that
aren't necessarily straight up physical, right, and then if you
can find you're right, because if you don't do any
of that and you're just doing your routine, monotonous becoming
(35:56):
some call it the roommate phase.
Speaker 3 (35:57):
Yeah, it's hard to get back together.
Speaker 1 (36:00):
It's tough, but like I agree with you that the
success of the evening comes from what you put in
during the day.
Speaker 3 (36:07):
There it is t shirt, that's the foundation. And also
if you're the guy and you've got a high sex
drive and you really want to reconnect, man, just clean
that house. Yeah you're play baby gee stack that dishwasher,
get that laundry cleaned, mop the floors, because no one
(36:28):
can think about being sexy when the house is a mess.
So you take that off their plate. Tragic will happen?
Speaker 1 (36:36):
Chorre play?
Speaker 3 (36:36):
Chor play?
Speaker 1 (36:37):
All right? Well said on that note, Yeah, time to go.
So if you've enjoyed this episode, please leave a review,
subscribe five stars, a couple of kind words would be lovely,
or you can join us on social media.
Speaker 3 (36:49):
At two dotting dads, on TikTok, we have inscript it's
going nuts. Not as many on the Facebook group at
three thousand, but it's growing.
Speaker 1 (36:57):
It's more intimate.
Speaker 3 (36:58):
It's more intimate. Yeah, it's like the community is just
there's actually a great group of people in there, the
best three thousand people I've ever come across. And also
we're out. That's it. That's it.
Speaker 1 (37:11):
That's where we're out.
Speaker 3 (37:12):
That's it. I think we should wrap it up and
get out of here.
Speaker 5 (37:18):
Okay, goodbye bye O see.
Speaker 1 (37:28):
Okay, I'm getting ready. I just get my fake laugh ready. Okay,
you know how, you fake laugh me all the time.
Speaker 3 (37:33):
I never fake laughing too. Doting Dance Podcast acknowledges the
traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and the connections to land,
see and community.
Speaker 1 (37:43):
We pay our respects to their elders past and present
and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torrestraight Islander
people's today
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