A 3 part email - Pt. 2 S3 Ep41 - 2 Be Better

Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Look up. We've come, all the things on the bottom,
all our wold it is you. You're my favorite view,
but that's not.

Speaker 2 (00:22):
And we are back.

Speaker 1 (00:23):
Welcome back, you beautiful bitches.

Speaker 2 (00:25):
We are going to be picking up last week's episode,
which was three, season three episode forty. Today will be
season three episode forty one, but it's technically forty part two.
The person that was in the email, that wrote the email,
actually listened to the episode yesterday and we got some
new information. We were hoping she would send another email,

(00:47):
but we haven't gotten it yet. So we are going
to just go ahead and jump right back into what
we were doing, and then we'll fill you guys in
with what we know at.

Speaker 1 (00:53):
The end of this.

Speaker 3 (00:55):
So I'm just going to read the last two sentences
because we're getting ready to jump into what she sent
him as described prior in the email. I'm pretty stoked
for this. This is the example that we have been
waiting for. I don't know how else to convey that
his attitude towards me is opening wounds that I worked
so hard to heal. The following text is everything I

(01:16):
typed out at three am. This is everything I said
to him, verbatim. This is also the raw and vulnerable
words that got no response from him at all. So
if we recall properly, he said. After she laid everything out,
his response was, do you want to go smoke and
go to bed?

Speaker 1 (01:33):
Yep? Yep.

Speaker 2 (01:35):
A lot of manipulation happening on his part. Like I
said yesterday, I truly believe that he's doing what he's
doing because he can get away with it.

Speaker 3 (01:41):
Yeah, last night didn't end the way I expected it to.
Whether I got my hopesub or not. Ending the night
with me drowning in my tears while you laid in
bed angry at me definitely isn't how I wanted it
to end. Okay, I'm going to get through the whole thing,
and then I want to come back and break it
down and break it down. Yeah, Initially me being up
wasn't anything you did or didn't do. It wasn't your

(02:02):
problem to deal with. That's why I wasn't trying to
bother you with it. I knew it was only an
insecurity within myself that only I was going to be
able to deal with You work six days a week
and still go to bed super late because of me.
I spend too much time on my phone, and you'll
stay up with me just to get that little bit
of attention right before you fall asleep. I see you,
I promise, I see that you too are craving for attention.

(02:25):
I backed off my phone the last few days after
we talked about it, not completely, and I still need
to do better.

Speaker 1 (02:32):
Oh man, Waiting until I get through this is hard.

Speaker 3 (02:38):
I wrap my arms around you and squeeze myself as
close as I can possibly get without being in your skin,
and while we're snuggled up there on the couch, every
now and then, I give you that little extra squeeze.
When I started codding with you like that again, I
remembered that I missed it. And that's not me saying
that I forgot, but I was heavily distracted by unimportant
video games on my phone. Though neither of us have

(03:01):
really tried to be affectionate towards each other, more of
like routine stuff, but then there hasn't really been a
whole lot of effort being thrown out there by either
one of us. The last few days I have and
not having it reciprocated really tugged at my heart strings.

Speaker 1 (03:15):
I like the way she worded that Yeah.

Speaker 2 (03:18):
Yeah, because she said not having it reciprocated instead of
you don't do it back. Yeah, so she's got a
good foundation of I versus you. There was a couple
of moments where it wasn't right, but like, yeah, yeah,
I like the way that this is worded.

Speaker 1 (03:29):
Yeah.

Speaker 3 (03:29):
Overall, this is very laying out like what I experienced
last night and trying to have that conversation. Maybe I
should have been more vibrant with it and climbed up.

Speaker 1 (03:41):
Oh my god, cut that is that what I sound
like to you? You made it sound like I'm super
sexy all the time I was.

Speaker 2 (03:55):
There's nothing sexy about you, going fuck cut that.

Speaker 1 (04:01):
But it's still it's done in my feminine way.

Speaker 2 (04:04):
Right?

Speaker 1 (04:05):
Do you still think I'm pretty when I do my
demon gral?

Speaker 2 (04:07):
You don't think you don't sound like a dude when
you do it?

Speaker 1 (04:10):
Oh that's nice?

Speaker 2 (04:11):
Hell yeah you're grimmlin gral. Yes, demon growl. I don't
think i've heard yet.

Speaker 1 (04:16):
I would say that they're interchangeable because I didn't answer
my question.

Speaker 2 (04:21):
So how much is it going to bother you if
I don't actually answer the question?

Speaker 1 (04:25):
You know that could have despair? That's called insecurity.

Speaker 2 (04:29):
That sucks. No, it's rough.

Speaker 1 (04:36):
Oh god, I love it. When you do this to me,
you can tell we were abused.

Speaker 3 (04:50):
Maybe I should have been more vibrant with it and
climbed on top of you and just started making out
like teenagers. When I think about it, I really haven't
ever done that with you. I don't know why, though. Nervous, scared, embarrassed, hesitant,
maybe a little bit of all of them. I think
I'm just scared because, like I've told you before, this
is my first attempt at trying to implement healthy strategies

(05:12):
and navigating a relationship. I want a teammate, not an opponent.
I'm getting older and I've been nothing but angry and
sad my entire life. I'm tired of feeling those negative feelings.
It's literally killing my soul. And when I feel feelings,
I feel feelings. If I let go and allow myself
to truly fall in love with you, I don't know

(05:34):
that I can handle another broken heart like that. I've
had three failed marriages. I held a grudge about a
failure of my first marriage. I even held on to
that love for him without even realizing I was doing it.
He was an alcoholic, a drug addict, and after the
Army got ahold of him, it got so much worse.
The alcohol made our fights turn violent, The drugs always

(05:56):
left us broke, and no matter how much I loved him,
I couldn't let our kids to grow up watching me
get my ass beat by some drunk napier.

Speaker 1 (06:05):
I watched him get worse and worse from a distance.

Speaker 3 (06:07):
He died four years ago heart attack, and it took
me a long time to realize that played a huge
role in my failure to maintain and not self sabotage
my relationships.

Speaker 1 (06:17):
I had a lot of.

Speaker 3 (06:18):
Resentment towards myself for leaving him when he needed someone
the most. I finally let go Brian this past November.
You're the first person I will be emotionally vulnerable too.
Like that, since I finally learned that I wasn't really
letting go like I thought I was, I didn't know
what it's like to not carry that kind of bagget
into a relationship. You have my full undivided attention, the

(06:38):
first person I'm trying to learn how to give my
full heart to.

Speaker 1 (06:42):
I also think that maybe you.

Speaker 3 (06:43):
Shouldn't have had anyone that has actually meant their actions
touched you with intention. I've noticed that you're pretty straightforward
with sex. Sex shouldn't be just about orgasms with your partner.
It should be fun and exciting. I'm not saying our
sex is bad. It's just straight to the point. I

(07:03):
don't think you've ever actually seen me naked, certainly not
with the lights on either. I want you to be
annoying with it. I want you to constantly be trying
to walk in while I'm changing, or trying to sneak
a peek in the shower. I want my man to
be obsessed with me. But I need those types of things.
I need the types of intimate moments where I just

(07:24):
awkwardly stare at you for an uncomfortable amount of time
because you're hot as fuck, and I actually do think
about you just bending me over the side of the
couch sometimes, or you walking in on me taking a shower.
I want to be comfortable enough around you to do
weird things with you. Never know when you'll get an
ingrown hair around your butthole.

Speaker 1 (07:46):
That's marriage. Marriage, Yep. The other day I was like,
all right, lift, let me see if there's a tick.
Can we be like that? Yeah?

Speaker 3 (07:56):
All I'm saying is I think we've both been a
little dishonest in the show relationship about what we want
from each other. If we're going to be together, I'm
talking the rest of our lives together, forever. I'll make
them bury me in your casket. Would it be weird
if I kept your hair? That type of forever? I
want to remind you, guys, they've been together for maybe
four months. Six This was sent in June, and they

(08:19):
got together in February, so February, March, April, May June,
so at the point of this letter being sent, they've
been together for four months. As a woman with borderline,
I got a lot to say continuing that type of forever.
When I love, I love fucking hard. That's a scary
thing to give away. My entire self. Every time I
give my one hundred percent is taken advantage of. So

(08:43):
I admit that I haven't given you one single indication
that I even need that type of feedback from you.
That's the fault of my own Okay, I can't.

Speaker 1 (08:52):
I can't just glide past that.

Speaker 3 (08:53):
The whole previous part of your email was about how
he's not into this relationship and you feel like you're
being let down. And you just said you have not
explained any of this to him. Am I am I
incorrect in remembering that.

Speaker 2 (09:06):
He was not emotionally responsive to anything. Everything was an attack,
is what I got from the first email. I remember,
I gotta be honest. Everything you just said just slipped.
But can you repeat what you just said?

Speaker 3 (09:19):
So she said, so, I admit that I haven't given
you one single indication that I even need that type of.

Speaker 1 (09:24):
Feedback I meant from the first email.

Speaker 3 (09:26):
So from the first email, her biggest hang up is
that there's there's problems emotionally, there's problems sexually, they're not intimate,
all of these other kinds of things.

Speaker 1 (09:35):
And she just laid out all of these things that
she needs.

Speaker 3 (09:37):
From him and said that I haven't given you a
single indication that I need this from you.

Speaker 1 (09:41):
Okay. Yeah.

Speaker 2 (09:43):
My remembering of the email yesterday, like the things that
I held on to for today, was that every time
she brings something to him, he turns it and twist
it and makes it into something that's not to manipulate
the situation. And that was my biggest hang up yesterday,
because we don't know the conversations that we're being had
with and how well they communicate. There was a whole
lot of left out stuff. Excuse me, but the I

(10:06):
was very hung up on the way that he manipulates
and the way that she allows it. That was my
big takeaway yesterday. So we obviously held on to different
parts of the email.

Speaker 1 (10:13):
Now I remember that yesterday as well.

Speaker 3 (10:15):
My takeaway from yesterday that this guy is just an asshole, right,
or she's reading too far into this relationship and there
is a misunderstanding of what's happening here. I'm starting to
lean more on that side. If she's never said that
I need all of these romantic things from you, and
they have just been fuck buddies.

Speaker 2 (10:32):
Four months, right, so it makes sense, and it makes
sense they haven't had the conversations.

Speaker 3 (10:37):
When I was unhealed in my borderline, I was telling
people I was in love with you in two to
three weeks.

Speaker 1 (10:42):
Yeah, when it came to us.

Speaker 3 (10:44):
And we actually started going into that courting phase and
we recognized that feelings were developing, it took maybe like
two weeks three weeks, and then I started getting scared because,
like we had conversations about how you didn't want to
have kids. We weren't going to get married, like moving
in together wasn't an option. So I was starting to

(11:04):
get worried about my feelings of attachment happening so quickly.
But that's also a situation where logically I can't rush
this into anything. And we were having a lot of
conversations about where we were standing.

Speaker 2 (11:16):
Yeah, well there's a lot of honesty there. Yeah, there's
also that favorite person attachment with BPD like that that
was very real. It's a very real thing for a
lot of people. But when you're aware of it and
you know what it is, and you understand that you
have borderline, you know logically you're just attached right now
because it's new and fun and you feel good.

Speaker 1 (11:32):
It's that dopamine hit, right. That's a fault of my own.

Speaker 3 (11:35):
Sometimes I think it's just easier to follow someone else's
lead and a fear of being judged or rejected. If
I just go with whatever you do, you can't say
you don't like it, right, But I was starting to
feel insecure because in my mind, you should just know
I want those things. I know that's an irrational expectation.
You can't read minds, and in my mind I would

(11:56):
create the situation and play it out over and over,
and then the insecure thoughts start happening, and all of
a sudden, I'm offended because you have a chicken a
bathing suit, tattooed up, curvy body, no stretch marks, fat
ass as a background on your phone. I know she's
been the background of your phone since we've met. We
were also both single when we met, and it didn't

(12:17):
matter if we sexualized someone else. I can't imagine that
you would be okay seeing some dude on my background
every time I unlocked my phone. That's not a major ordeal.
It's just strikes an extra nerve at the moment because
of my own insecurities. I don't want to come to
you about my insecurities because I certainly didn't want to
didn't want to make you feel like you just weren't

(12:37):
doing enough or you can never do anything right. I
hate when you say those things, one because you are enough.
I'm here right now fighting the sam with all of you.
I think we've both been holding back, and both for
the same reasons fears of getting hurt. But damn, look
at what we're doing to each other right now. This
shit sucks. While I'm typing all of this out. It's

(12:59):
two forty eight am. Once again, there's tension between us.
I'm overthinking. You're avoiding it, which you're tired, you're sleeping.
I get it again. That's why I didn't want to
bother you. I was just getting my charger. When I
said to go back to sleep, I was seriously fighting
back tears. I didn't want you to think you did
anything wrong, because you didn't. It was just my own

(13:19):
feelings getting hurt over expectations that I set into my
own sights. I knew you were tired. I knew you
didn't want to fight either, but I wasn't trying to fight.
I was just trying to deal with the dramatic shit
and let you sleep. I wasn't able to deescalate the situation.
I kept making it worse and worse. I wanted to
just shut up my feelings, and then you got mad

(13:40):
at me. It really made me feel like my feelings
were just an inconvenience for you. I felt like it
didn't matter that I was feeling a little insecure in
a time when I needed your attention the most. You
didn't give me any type of positive reassurance that my
insecurities weren't real. Instead, you gave me excuses, you got annoyed,
you just rolled over and went back to sleep. I
didn't expect you to cater to my feeling, but if

(14:00):
my feelings are consistently being seen as you're not caring,
then what kind of partner doesn't care? Do you see
where I'm coming from? If I were to continue to
just be on my phone and show you no intention
at all, how would that make you feel?

Speaker 1 (14:13):
I can't hold this one in.

Speaker 3 (14:16):
At the beginning of your letter, or you sending this
to him or writing this out for him, you said,
I know I've been on my phone ignoring you the
past few nights, and you're staying up late to get
whatever little quality time you can with me.

Speaker 1 (14:26):
So you have done that, Okay.

Speaker 2 (14:30):
She's also changed the direction of the way that she's
writing this because there's a whole lot of accusatory statements.

Speaker 3 (14:37):
So it doesn't matter if you were to continue doing it.
It's already been done. I don't know how long this
has been your guys's relationship where you are you're playing
on your phone more than you are interacting with him
when he gets home.

Speaker 1 (14:49):
From work. The way it was phrased, it made it
sound like it was a while.

Speaker 2 (14:52):
The way that this email went in the beginning, though,
is that there's a whole lot of ugly going on
in their relationship from him right so her this is
kind of relevant, but it's basically the entire email, her
going to him about her insecurities and being able to
talk to him. There's no safety there for every time
we try to have a conversation, it blows up to him,
big fight. Of course, things can get bottled. We've talked

(15:14):
about this. We talked about it yesterday. So all of
the shit that she's going through right now, her unloading
all of this in a letter at two forty five
in the morning, This is conversation should have been happening
all this time. But the reality is every time she's
tried to talk to him, he's fucking blown up on
her and manipulated the situation.

Speaker 3 (15:30):
She's also waking him up in the middle of the
night to have these conversations. That would be a problem
for me if the only time we're trying to broach conversations,
or if it happens more than once I go to bed.
You know, I have to be up for work in
the morning, and you're waking me up at one point
thirty because you're feeling insecure about something. This conversation can
happen in the morning, Yeah, can happen at lunchtime.

Speaker 2 (15:49):
You can roll over and be like, I just had
a bad dream, I'm feeling insecure. Hold me and we
were going back to sleep. Yeah, you're not waking me
up and having any conversation like that.

Speaker 3 (15:57):
I really want to hammer home the reason that I
hear is because you said, how would that make you feel?
Have you considered how he's felt this whole time, because
this feels like manipulation in the moment?

Speaker 1 (16:09):
Yeah, am I wrong for that?

Speaker 2 (16:11):
I mean it could be. I don't think it's manipulation.
I think that she's she's trying to do something to
a listener response, and I guess by definition that is
manipulation is because he's trying to a listener response from him.
But I think that the last conversation that they had
ended with do you want to smoke and go to
bed instead of actually having a conversation, right. I think
that she's desperate and she's reaching for whatever she can get.

Speaker 3 (16:33):
So I scrolled back up because she said, if I
were to continue to just be on my phone and
show you no attention at all, how would that make
you feel? There was no acknowledgment of how he has
already felt due to that behavior happening. That's why I
feel like it's being brought up. There was an acknowledgment.
She said that he stays up late and all those
kinds of things, But was.

Speaker 1 (16:52):
There remorse in it.

Speaker 3 (16:53):
I know that you were trying to get his attention,
but if you just suddenly go from doom scrolling on
your phone to cut along the couch and that hasn't
been your relationship for the last month and a half,
I don't know what kind of response you were expecting.

Speaker 2 (17:06):
Right, If it was going on for that long, you
would think that he would be doing the same thing,
that disconnect would just grow.

Speaker 3 (17:11):
Right, I mean it sounds like it did because he
didn't reciprocate the way she was intending it to R Well.

Speaker 2 (17:15):
I mean that's the consequences of the actions.

Speaker 3 (17:17):
Yeah, continuing eventually, you would need to say something. What
if instead of ME showing you more attention, more affection,
what if I just played on my phone even more?
Eventually you're going to start thinking does she even like
me anymore? We need to find the pattern here and
figure out where to break it. What is triggering these
intense moments, Well, usually my feelings. You have a very

(17:41):
avoidant attachment style. I have a problem with that sentence. Yep,
that's not saying you have a negative trait. Everyone has
their own negative types of traits, and we all usually
have childhood trauma or fear of abandonment that causes us
to form unhealthy ways of handling things.

Speaker 1 (17:56):
Sometimes.

Speaker 3 (17:57):
I have a really big problem with people diagnosing people
in their lives and that from you. You have a
very avoidant attachment style to that last sentence feels like
a lecture.

Speaker 1 (18:09):
I don't know if lecture is the right word.

Speaker 3 (18:12):
If you spoke to me that way, like you have
this and I know things in childhood can happen, and
all these other kinds of things and.

Speaker 1 (18:19):
Insinuating like a fear of abandonment.

Speaker 3 (18:21):
And like I feel like there's no conversations of what
he's actually going through, and she's projecting what she believes
it is because of her own experience from what she's
observing him going through.

Speaker 1 (18:32):
Does that make sense?

Speaker 2 (18:33):
Yeah, you can tell she's getting more emotional as she's writing. Yeah,
because it started off very good, Yes, and it's not now.

Speaker 3 (18:40):
Yeah, Well, because more thoughts being put into it and
she's replaying things. I also want to pass here and
say all of this sucks. Yes, this whole relationship sucks.
The way that she's feeling fucking sucks. Him acting the
way he is acting sucks. I want to ask everybody
listening if you can relate to this, or this is
something that's been going on in your relationship for years.

(19:03):
At what point are you going to say, I don't
want to live this way anymore?

Speaker 1 (19:06):
Right? People look at what we have and they I
want that. I'm envious.

Speaker 3 (19:11):
He's so lucky, she's so lucky. We made really hard
decisions in our lives to get to this point. I
married a man who didn't want kids, and there's a
lot to navigate with that. You love the children, you
love them, they adore you. We have family moments, we
go out of the house, we go to aquariums, and
there are still moments where you're like, I need some

(19:31):
fucking breathing room.

Speaker 1 (19:32):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (19:33):
Yeah, there's days that it's very hard for me to
be in the house. It happens. But that's I mean,
that's I mean, that's like that for people who have
kids that are both biologically the parings. Yeah, the difference
is that I had I had to choose this right,
you know.

Speaker 3 (19:46):
And there has to be a grace on my end
for that too, because I knew you going into this, right.
I can't get upset because the kids are under your
skin for three days in a row. I can't be
upset about venting or frustrations that you have. I knew
what I signed up for. Yeah, we don't have to
talk about anything, or we could talk about everything, but
it's your responsibility to deal with your own healing from that,

(20:09):
just like I have handled mine. Exclamation point. I know
I've been bringing this up a lot lately, and I
can feel you're getting defensive and frustrated every time. I
can see how you could feel attacked. That's why I
chose to say intentional words like I feel when I
lead with those words in that moment. I just need
you to listen to what my heart is trying to say.
Sometimes my words may not come out right. If you

(20:32):
fail attacked or offended, stop me and please say, hey,
can you rephrase that I didn't like how that sounded.
It might be that it's harder for you to understand
my deep feelings of emotions because you're so used to
just pushing yours down.

Speaker 1 (20:44):
You're a master of it. I'm not.

Speaker 3 (20:47):
I want to touch on they've been together for four
months at this point. Again, as a woman with borderline,
I think that there is a lot of illusionaryness happening.

Speaker 1 (20:56):
Right.

Speaker 3 (20:57):
Yes, you may have lived with him for four months,
but I don't leave that you can say that you
thoroughly know something about somebody to say that they are
a master of shoving their own emotions down and say
it confidently within that time period, especially if he's this
checked out.

Speaker 1 (21:12):
Yeap.

Speaker 2 (21:13):
I also would like to point out that people high
who they are for the first three or four months. Yes,
speaking of things, Patreony Dren, you just got a new
woman in your Thrive group. All right, guys, As you know,
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a whole twelve hours and we have no idea what
the future of the app looks like. And with that,
we are very concerned about the loss of our following.

(21:33):
We have a master almost three million followers, across that
platform with all four of our accounts, and we are
trying to push people to other social media platforms so
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we have multiple other backup plans. If you want to
make sure that you're not missing any content, we highly
recommend that you check out our Patreon.

Speaker 3 (21:50):
On Patreon, we have multiple tiers to choose from. Starting
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Speaker 1 (22:09):
If that's something you may be interested.

Speaker 2 (22:11):
In, Guys, on our fifteen dollars and higher tier, you
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(22:32):
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Speaker 3 (23:03):
The best way to support what we are doing is
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check out our Patreon. Thank you guys for being here continuing.
You're a master at it.

Speaker 1 (23:13):
I'm not.

Speaker 3 (23:14):
My emotions overwhelming sometimes and I'm learning how to control
it too. Whether you see it or not, Yours are
overwhelming you too, and they're starting to come out as anger.
Now we're both tangled up in these overwhelming moments. I
want to give you everything, all of my heart, all
of my intentions, all of my attention. I want to
be able to have uncomfortable conversations with you. I want

(23:36):
to be there with you and for you on the
good days and the bad days, the busy days and
the boring days. I'm scared too. Losing someone you love sucks.
But if we keep going like this, we're going to
lose anyway. And I'm not losing by not trying. If
I'm not even going to try, then there's no way
of even winning. I need a teammate to pass the

(23:56):
ball to you. Sometimes we don't need a referee or adults.
When you be handling life like adults, not throwing temper
tantrums and crying about everything. We have to grow up emotionally.

Speaker 2 (24:09):
I'm trying so hard not to interject and all this shit.

Speaker 1 (24:11):
That's it. That was the last one, So back up
to the top.

Speaker 2 (24:16):
You started reading that, I was like, Okay, this is
off to a good start, like there's a lot of
like intelligent things being said here, and then it completely
fucking fell apart.

Speaker 3 (24:25):
Yeah, I'm processing there's a lot in this that I
think was typed very well or written very well.

Speaker 1 (24:35):
I think.

Speaker 3 (24:38):
A lot of this I disagree with. I. I am
not a psychic, I am not all knowing. I am
not trying to say how she felt when she wrote this,
like how she could be doing in her relationship with
her man. I am going to put my life experience

(24:58):
into these shoes and kind of put myself in a
mind state that I've experienced to write this kind of letter.
Because I have sat down at three or four o'clock
in the morning and typed out a novel multiple times,
never sent it and just let it sit there, and
then going back to it. I can pinpoint all the
points where I was like, Oh, that's me trying to
be controlling of the situation. That's me trying to make

(25:19):
them change.

Speaker 1 (25:20):
Right. Yeah.

Speaker 2 (25:22):
So Jenny and Chat said that she believes that this
was the letter that she wrote.

Speaker 1 (25:25):
And read to him.

Speaker 2 (25:26):
Yeah, And if that's the case, this is the one
where he was like, do you want to smoke and.

Speaker 1 (25:29):
Go to bed afterwards? Yeah?

Speaker 2 (25:31):
Okay, So I was wrong with what I was saying earlier.
Oh on the timeframes, Oh, I I thought this was
written after that situation, Not this was the situation that
was responded to Yeah. His response was okay, so knowing
that it changes the way that I view the letter. Okay,
but we are going to break down the letter, So
let's start at the top and we'll work our way
through it.

Speaker 3 (25:52):
Last night didn't end the way I expected it to.
Whether I got my hopes that or not. Ending the
night with me drowning in tears while you laid in
bed angry at me, definitely isn't how I wanted it
to end.

Speaker 2 (26:03):
Do you think he's actually angry at her?

Speaker 3 (26:06):
I I think he's angry at the situation. I think
he could be angry at the situation, and he could
be tired of all of this is if this has
been consistent for four months, I bet he's drowning too.

Speaker 1 (26:18):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (26:19):
The anger, the anger emotion is is what I was
hung upon. Anger is a mask it is.

Speaker 3 (26:23):
It could be frustration, right, it could be like acceptance
of this is what his living situation is going to
be until he's able to get financially stable.

Speaker 2 (26:33):
Knowing that she's an emotional person, is crying all the time,
and there's always fucking conflict. I'm willing to bet that
he went to bed thinking I'm fucking over this shit. Yeah,
like I don't want to fucking live this way, but
I agree. We also don't know if he was actually mad.
It's not like he was the one writing in right right.

Speaker 3 (26:52):
That could be just her perception of how it played out,
so for anybody. So I'm about to say something like,
I'm going to say how I would have written this,
and I'm not saying this to correct her.

Speaker 1 (27:03):
She wrote this the way she felt she needed to
write this.

Speaker 3 (27:07):
If I were to sit down, my husband and I
are having issues and I don't know how to problem
solve going forward, and I'm gonna sit down, I'm gonna
write my husband a letter. I would not make the
night about me. I know last night sucked for the
both of us. I'm sorry that I contributed to that.
You mean the world to me, I know, going to
bed the way that you were feeling. I'm not going

(27:29):
to try to label it was not what you wanted
it to be, and I didn't want it to be
that way either, because this is about us.

Speaker 2 (27:38):
Right, Definitely a good start. The relationship needs to be
the priority there. Yeah, And when you make everything about you,
it's no longer about the relationship. It is all about you, yes,
And forgetting that there's another person with their own little
universe inside of them.

Speaker 1 (27:52):
It creates problems.

Speaker 2 (27:53):
And assuming somebody's emotions or their feelings, or their attachment
styles or whatever else is also very problematic.

Speaker 1 (28:00):
Janey said.

Speaker 3 (28:01):
Also, we only have her definition of anger, and that's
a really good point.

Speaker 2 (28:06):
She said, like, if he's just being stern voiced, or
is he yelling or is she too sensitive? I can
tell you as a man that sensitive fucking that shit
gets old fast. It gets old fast. The constant blow ups,
the overreaction to emotional things. Men are not emotional creatures
the way all are. Our hormones are different.

Speaker 1 (28:24):
Yeah, the three or four hour rants are.

Speaker 3 (28:29):
Talking in circles because there's nothing that can satiate you
in the moment, because you.

Speaker 1 (28:32):
Don't even know what you need.

Speaker 2 (28:34):
Or the loop, oh, the loop, Like I'm not we
did that. You started doing that once early on in
the relationship, and I was like, look, I've heard you,
I validated you. I don't know what else you need
for me, but I get it.

Speaker 1 (28:46):
I didn't even realized I was doing it, I know.

Speaker 2 (28:47):
And I was like, do you just need to vent now?
Do you need me to understand that you're hurting, because
I fucking get it. I don't need you to keep
repeating yourself and you're like, oh shit, like I'm not.
I don't know any men who are gonna be okay
with living like that if you if you were somebody
who has has bullshit every single fucking day.

Speaker 1 (29:05):
Every phone call, every text message, Right.

Speaker 2 (29:07):
I can be I can be good by myself. I
don't need this like this is a you problem. Your
emotional state is a you problem. So emotionally regulate your shit,
and if you want to have a conversation, we can
have a conversation. All the screaming and yelling and crying
and fucking throwing a fit in the loop and all
of that bullshit is not something that I'm willing to stay,

(29:28):
like deal.

Speaker 1 (29:28):
With all the time. So you need to get your
shit together.

Speaker 3 (29:31):
And in my mind, a woman being emotional like that
is equivalent to a man angry.

Speaker 2 (29:37):
Yes, yes it is. It's the exact same thing.

Speaker 3 (29:40):
Yeah, I wouldn't tolerate a man doing that, and I
don't think men should tolerate women doing that.

Speaker 2 (29:44):
I agree, and this you know, when we did those questions,
I had made that comment about you know you're my therapist.
I would never go to my therapist snack like that either, right,
nor I get my shit together and I journal my thoughts.
So the way that you said I'm gonna go that
you would write that letter, Yeah, I would write my
letter ugly, raw and nasty and get all my my

(30:05):
frustration and shit out and then I would read it
and I would clean it up to make it not
be ugly or hurtful. You have to sift, right. I
need to be able to choose my words because the
first time I'm going to say something's not going to
be right. So I'm going to write the ugly version,
and then I'm going to clean it up, and I'm
going to write it the way that it needs to
be written, so that I can convey what needs to
be conveyed without being attacking, without trying to create more conflict.

(30:27):
Like it is a two part process. I understand it
takes more time, but I would rather take that extra
fifteen twenty minutes or even an hour than to have
a three hour fight over some shit. So that matters.
But on the back to the on the you being
my therapist thing from when we were doing those cards,
I know that I said that. But when I come
to you with things, it's normally like me problems. I
don't treat you like my therapist for our relationship. I

(30:49):
treat you like my therapist for wishing I'm having my problems, Like, Babe,
I'm really stressed out right now over finances or what
do I do about this?

Speaker 1 (30:57):
Right?

Speaker 2 (30:57):
Like we are a team.

Speaker 3 (30:58):
Yeah, you're also not looking for me to fix it
for you. Right, that's another big thing. Right, you're talking
about me using me as your therapist.

Speaker 1 (31:07):
You clean it up?

Speaker 2 (31:08):
Did you want my punching bag?

Speaker 3 (31:09):
Yeah? I think a lot of people get that confused too.
Instead of going to your partner and trying to communicate
or problem solve or seek advice, they can use their
person as an emotional punching bag or a sounding board.
They're not actually looking for feedback. They're just looking to
be validated or quelched, and what they're they're feeling not

(31:32):
actual feedback.

Speaker 1 (31:33):
Does that make sense, Well.

Speaker 2 (31:34):
It's venting. Yeah, And that's a lot of what women do.
That's why men always try to fix and y'all get
mad at us for it. But we don't do that,
like we're taught not to do that.

Speaker 1 (31:43):
Shit.

Speaker 2 (31:44):
Like I have the relationship that we have, I'm able
to vent to you about things, but my venting is
because I'm actually trying to figure out your opinion and
what you think things should happen. If I'm having a
really bad emotional headspace, I'm just going to tell you
I'm have an emotional headspace until I'm able to calm
myself done enough to deal with you and to have
the conversations. I'm not going to come at you and
be angry her going to him and doing all the

(32:06):
things that she's doing. The way that she's doing it
is problematic. Like you said, that constant emotional conflict, it's
like a wave. It is like no different than men
punching holes in the wall. You are emotionally unregulated.

Speaker 3 (32:17):
Yes, I also wanted to touch on that sifting process.
You said it's a two step process and can take
a take time. Sometimes that's like a five or ten
step process for me.

Speaker 2 (32:26):
Sometimes it needs to be.

Speaker 3 (32:28):
Yeah, there are times where it takes me a few
days and like that shit from from looking like cold
to a diamond and it's a quick five minute exchange.
And I'm like mentally smacking my own ass because I
just nailed that with my husband.

Speaker 2 (32:41):
Yep, yeah, yeah, I get that. There are definitely times
where I want to burn everything to the ground. Doesn't
ever end up that way though, Luckily, you know, Jenna
said that loop BS is rough on.

Speaker 1 (32:52):
Man.

Speaker 2 (32:52):
They are fixers. You're tossing the same problem at them
again and again. Meanwhile, you aren't searching for a resolve,
You're looking to dump. He can't fix that, and it's
infuriating to them. Yes, it is.

Speaker 3 (33:02):
Initially me being upset wasn't about anything you did or
didn't do. It wasn't your problem to deal with. That's
why I wasn't trying to bother you with it. I
knew it was only an insecurity within myself that only
I was going to be able to deal with.

Speaker 2 (33:15):
Then why bring it to him?

Speaker 1 (33:17):
Right? Yes?

Speaker 3 (33:18):
So if it's just like a hey babe, just let
you know my headspaces off today. If I'm acting weird
or you see that I'm on my phone too much
and you want my attention, you need quality time, You're
just gonna have to I'm off my game, right.

Speaker 2 (33:30):
Yeah, I don't believe that's what she wanted.

Speaker 3 (33:33):
I agree. I think that she was seeking the attention
of it, right.

Speaker 2 (33:36):
She was hoping that he would fix it.

Speaker 3 (33:38):
In my mind every time I come to you with
something right or in past relationships, when I was unregulated, dysfunctional, Tasmanian,
douvil emotionally. Now it's a healthier version with you, right.
But when I come to you, I am looking for
some type of feed me.

Speaker 2 (33:59):
Of course you, yeah, you would be coming to me right.

Speaker 3 (34:03):
So when I was unhealthy, it was like I was
a job of the hut and I couldn't be satiated.

Speaker 1 (34:09):
Yep.

Speaker 3 (34:10):
Now I have an appetite and I know when I'm full.
I also know when I should stop eating like i'm
I know i'm full, but I like the way that
the food tastes, so I keep trying to get at it. Yep,
and that's when I end up hurting myself. I just
made an analogy with my binge eating. You work six
days a week and still go to bed super late

(34:30):
because of me. I spend too much time on my phone,
and you'll stay up with me just to get a
little bit of attention right before you fall asleep. I
see you, I promise, I see that you too are
craving for attention.

Speaker 1 (34:42):
That bothered me it bothered me too. So you see that.

Speaker 3 (34:45):
I'm over here suffering, right the same way you say
that he's seeing you suffer and you're ignoring him.

Speaker 1 (34:52):
So he is reciprocating.

Speaker 3 (34:55):
He's just matching your negative energy, because if that is
the most prevalent one, and why would he go above
and beyond to be loving and affectionate? And hey, babe,
do you need anything from the store?

Speaker 2 (35:06):
Why would he even stay up at that point? Right
working six days a week. If I'm tired and all
you're doing is playing on your phone, I'm going to bed. Yeah,
I don't need to be awake for this. You can
do that in bed or in the living room while
I'm sleeping. Yeah, this is the roommate phase. To a
tea like, I'm not going to live that way.

Speaker 1 (35:22):
Uh.

Speaker 3 (35:22):
So we just touched on her being able to see
that he's craving for the attention but not giving it
the same way he is not reciprocating. Yep, I back
off of my phone the last few days after we
talked about it, not completely, and I still need to
do better. So the same way you try to have
conversations with him about changing things, you're having a hard
time changing habits. Yes, he's an asshole. Right in the

(35:46):
beginning of the email. We don't have his side of it.
That could all just be her lens of it. She's
taking it super personally, whatever the case may be. Like
you said, you had that experience with recording our interaction
and then having your reality shattered. So how much of
this is reality happening and how much of this is
your trauma taking over in your mind and creating a

(36:08):
story so that you can experience what you're experiencing.

Speaker 2 (36:12):
It's also important to remember that she's been married three times.
I know, yeah, which means to common de nominateor in
all of your relationships as you.

Speaker 3 (36:19):
Yes, I really wonder like, has he been this way
the whole four months, because if this is a recent thing,
there's a catalyst for it. And if you have been
masking for the last three months, your borderline and all
of this craziness, and now in the fourth month, everything
is slipping and he's really starting to see what it's

(36:40):
like to be with you and this disconnect is happening,
that that could be the catalyst of it. I don't
believe you would be fighting this hard for a guy
who was an asshole from the beginning of it. So
when he was doing things that made you feel good
or made you feel loved, I was going to say tickled,

(37:01):
But that was their appreciation. There was it reciprocated. Were
you so uncomfortable or worried about things that he was
reaching out and you were kind of stand offish about it?

Speaker 1 (37:14):
You accepted it, but it wasn't given back.

Speaker 2 (37:17):
I think the reality is the last last phase of
the first four months has started to wear off. Yeah,
and there's a whole lot of ugly in this because
they don't know each other.

Speaker 1 (37:25):
Yeah, I agree.

Speaker 2 (37:27):
Continue, She's she's mentioned in this email or this letter
that she wanted him to be her forever person and
to be a teammate and live, love him with everything
and all of that shit.

Speaker 1 (37:36):
Four months right, Oh, we were going to get to
that point.

Speaker 2 (37:39):
Yeah, I just I'm really hung up on it.

Speaker 1 (37:41):
Yeah.

Speaker 3 (37:41):
That that that tells to me, like screams to me again,
a woman with borderline, that's your borderline talking. Continuing, I
wrap my arms around you and squeeze myself as close
as I can possibly get without being in your skin.
And while we're snuggled up there on the couch, every
now and then I give you that little extra.

Speaker 1 (37:58):
Squeeze for you.

Speaker 2 (38:00):
On somebody in chats it's something about social media and
doom scrolling, and in triggered the thought, I just want
to it's gonna cider oil a little bit. We've always
said that you are what you ingest. Yes, you are
what you eat, and an ingestion doesn't necessarily mean food.
It could be the things that you're reading. She was
able to diagnose this attachment style. I'm sure that was
TikTok fucking psychology. There's a whole lot of that. So

(38:21):
she's watching our content, who knows what else she's watching
on social media. She's wanting the love that we have.
I wonder how much of that and all of that
that she's taken in from social media is affecting the
relationship that she's currently in because you're taking so much
data and so much information and trying to piece together
the things that make sense to you and then trying

(38:42):
to implement and force it into your life. Like, I
don't know, there's just a lot to think about.

Speaker 1 (38:48):
I agree it is this.

Speaker 3 (38:51):
This falls under that categoration of like fantasizing about what
the relationship could be and Yeah, the reality of when
I started culling with you like that again, I remembered
that I missed it. That's not me saying that I forgot,
but I was heavily distracted by unimportant video games on
my phone.

Speaker 1 (39:09):
I like that.

Speaker 2 (39:10):
That was one of those things that she wrote in this.
I was like, damn, good, good on you for recognizing
your shortcomings in this.

Speaker 1 (39:17):
Yeah.

Speaker 3 (39:19):
Continuing the fact is, though neither of us have really
tried to be affectionate towards each other, more of like
routine stuff.

Speaker 2 (39:26):
Why say that? Why add that into the letter?

Speaker 3 (39:31):
I would have phrased that as as I've stated, I'm
going to say out loud now, I have been lacking
in the intimacy in our relationship, and I'm feeling that
because I also recognize that my inactivity is being reciprocated

(39:52):
and in feeling the way that I'm feeling. I'm sorry
that I put you in that position, and I miss us,
and I miss us.

Speaker 1 (39:58):
That's that's where I would have been.

Speaker 2 (40:00):
I would have laid out all that about the phone
thing and how much I realize I've been contributing to that,
and I miss us because now you're also the problem.
Why why do that. Why not just take the accountability,
let him know what you need. I miss us, I
need that connection back. You dropped the ball to and
just not even not even not even say I dropped

(40:21):
the ball to. She already said that me being on
my phone was problematic, and I realized that it's created
a distance between us, and like I cuddled deal on
the couch the other night, and I realize how much
I miss that, I miss us.

Speaker 1 (40:32):
How do we get back?

Speaker 2 (40:33):
How do we get back to that? That's as far
as that needs to go. The moment you go, well,
you don't do it either.

Speaker 1 (40:37):
Yes, that shifts the focus.

Speaker 2 (40:42):
Yeah, now now you're blaming me for some shit. Yeah,
there's nothing there are there's a way to address things
that your partner is not doing. But when you are
taking accountability, just take the accountability, yes, full stop, and
move the fuck with your right. When you go, well,
you don't do it either, you've now created conflict where

(41:04):
there was there was an acknowledgment of your shortcomings, turned
to conflict.

Speaker 1 (41:08):
It's just not a good thing.

Speaker 3 (41:10):
Every time we have conversations where one of us right,
there's an elephant in the room. We know when we
fuck up in our marriage, yep, And neither one of
us has to go to the other person and say, well,
did you even know this happened? Like, we don't have
to ask the other person to have a conversation about it.

(41:31):
You come to me, and then I come to you
and say, hey, I thought about what happened this morning,
and I just want to let you know I'm sorry.
It's not going to happen again. It was very unbecoming
of me. I recognize that it hurts you or whatever
it was in that moment, and that's the end of
the conversation. Even if you do something in the moment
and I have a reaction to what you do, I'm

(41:52):
still only bringing up what I did. Right, And because
of how we communicate. After I'm finished saying what you're
what I'm saying, you will then and step and say
and well, I recognize that what I did may have
contributed to the way that you felt, and I'm sorry
for that.

Speaker 2 (42:06):
Right, that's the You can't change another person. Yeah, I'm
not responsible for your response to me, Right, I'm not.
I'm not responsible for you getting mad for the things
that I've said. I'm only responsible for the things that
i've said anything beyond that is not a me problem, right.
The words that came out of my mouth are the problem.

(42:30):
So if I did say some shit outside of my
neck and I've apologized to it, I can't be like, well,
you know, you really shouldn't have got mad about that.
I said what I said. That's what I'm sorry for. Yeah,
well you're right, you know I overreacted because of it.
There's the apology, like that's helpful, that's healthy.

Speaker 1 (42:47):
Shit.

Speaker 3 (42:47):
Yeah, a lot of that is I said what I said.
I hate that it hurt you, Right, So going forward,
if I can find a different way to rephrase it
or a different way to have that conversation, that can happen.
And there's also that understanding and that like we felt
how we fucking felt. Yeah, I just hate that it

(43:08):
affected you the way that it did, and that's where
that remorse comes in.

Speaker 2 (43:13):
Yep, you should feel all the emotions and all the
feelings that you have to feel the whole gambit of them.
Run that shit you. The way that you respond or
react to feeling those emotions, are you problem?

Speaker 1 (43:26):
Is a choice? Yeah.

Speaker 2 (43:27):
Somebody in the chat said, since they have only been
together for four months, they have been able to build
up their foundation of love and trust they haven't. No,
to start labeling your partner and give a serious constructive
criticism must feel very jarring since both of them don't
know if the criticism is coming from a place of love.

Speaker 3 (43:44):
All right, continuing yep, but more of like routine stuff.
I also want to touch on that routine stuff. You
guys are four months in an already in the moomment phase. Yeah,
that routine stuff, kissing before you leave for work, I
love you, before we hang up the phone. That I

(44:04):
do view that as we're only doing it because there's
a sense.

Speaker 1 (44:08):
Of obligation this habitual.

Speaker 3 (44:09):
Yeah, but there hasn't really been a whole lot of
effort being thrown out there by either one of us
the last few days I have and not having it
reciprocated really tugged at my heart strings.

Speaker 1 (44:23):
So I know that you love the way that that
was worded, and I do.

Speaker 3 (44:29):
I think the way that it hasn't been reciprocated has
tugged at my heart strings. I think is a good
way to word that. I think that there is a
lack of acknowledgment in the fact that this has not
been your guys's existence for a while. From what I'm
taking away from your email, So the last few days
you re engaging in intimacy and him feeling the way
that he's already feeling. You can't expect him to want

(44:51):
to reciprocate that immediately. There is so many unresolved things
in your guys's relationship that's going to be a wall
between the two of you.

Speaker 1 (45:00):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (45:00):
I just like that she used the word reciprocate instead
of saying you don't do it either. Yeah, it was
just a good way to find the in between to
get the point across.

Speaker 1 (45:08):
I agree.

Speaker 2 (45:09):
I would also like to point out just because you
stopped doing something two days ago and now you're bothered
that he didn't follow suit, like you, don't get too
mad about that.

Speaker 1 (45:16):
Right, he's feeling how he's feeling.

Speaker 2 (45:17):
Right, you've been doing what you've been doing for as
long as you've been doing it. Now you've stopped, and
you expect the world to stop with you. That's not
how that shit goes, especially when this has become the normal. Right,
we're gonna sit on opposite into of the couch and
pay attention to our device instead of each other, and
all of a sudden you're trying to pay attention to me.
This is my life now, HM. Shouldn't have allowed it
to get to this point.

Speaker 1 (45:38):
Yeah.

Speaker 3 (45:39):
Yeah, we make it a point to make sure that
we're always near each other.

Speaker 1 (45:44):
Yeah.

Speaker 3 (45:45):
We have a big old couch and I put pillows
up behind me in the middle of it so that
my feet can be tucked underneath your back while we're
watching TV or have your hand on my butt.

Speaker 1 (45:52):
Yep. We always snuggle going to bed, unless I'm having
acid reflux.

Speaker 2 (45:58):
You've actually used more of that couch as your own
personal night table. That whole Chase lounge is just covered
in your stuff. I think I've got like a box
on there, but it's become like a catch hall for
you because that and I don't have that. I have
to use the coffee table. And now there's stuff on
the coffee table too, because of all of our plant
and shit.

Speaker 1 (46:17):
Yeah there is.

Speaker 3 (46:18):
I have seeds all over the couch, like packages of seeds.
I have journals, I have writing utensils on the couch.

Speaker 1 (46:28):
Yeah, it's all easy access because that's.

Speaker 3 (46:30):
Where we spend our downtime together. Yeah, that's pretty much
where all of our downtime is spent and if I'm
working on notes or I'm studying something, I'm lazy. Like
when we're on the couch at like six o'clock and
we're there for the rest of the night until we
go to bed at like ten or eleven, I am
not getting up. I do not want to walk the
fifty feet to our bedroom and maybe remember where I

(46:52):
put my pen.

Speaker 1 (46:53):
I get it clutter. I have my little house. I
don't think you are.

Speaker 2 (47:01):
It's just that's the point of that was that you
you do take up very little of the couch because
we try to touch each other. We have a U
shaped couch, yeah.

Speaker 3 (47:09):
And we use like this of it. Yeah, and that's
all effort. We could roll away from each other when
we go to bed at night.

Speaker 2 (47:17):
Yeah, could just go to bed and face our backs
to each other and go to sleep because we're going
to bed. Now, why do we need a late and
talk to each other and cuddle. We're in bed to
go to bed. We cuddle on the couch. I don't
need you to cuddle on me right now, roll over
because the don't touch me.

Speaker 1 (47:29):
You saying this is hurting my feelings. I know it's
all hypothetical, right, but.

Speaker 2 (47:32):
That's the mindset that people have. It's bullshit, like you
have to you have to tend to the flame. Yeah,
your fire will go out if you leave that motherfucker alone.
Anybody that's ever had to deal with a fire, you
are paying constant, constant attention to.

Speaker 3 (47:46):
That shit, trying to keep it going through weather, right, disasters.
Maybe I should have been more vibrant with it and
climbed on top of you and just started making out
like teenagers. When I think about it, I really haven't
ever done that with you. I don't know why, though. Nerves, scared, embarrassed, hesitant,

(48:06):
maybe a little bit of all of them.

Speaker 1 (48:10):
So that.

Speaker 3 (48:15):
Fears, the nervousness, the scared, embarrassed, hesitant, fear of rejection,
whatever the case may be. You have now backed yourself
into a box of what this relationship could have been
if you had done that from the get Sitting on
my husband's my favorite thing to do. It's been something
that we've backed off a little bit because sitting that
way is a lot for your back and having my

(48:37):
weight on you doesn't help. But I still squeeze it
in when I can, damn right. And we found other
ways to have that intimacy where we can still make
out in a position if we wanted to and be
close to one another.

Speaker 1 (48:52):
Yep.

Speaker 3 (48:53):
So I just want to pause and take a moment
and point out all the things that you were scared
of have led you to this point. This relationship continues
or it ends in your next relationship, are you going
to fall back into this pattern? Or are you going
to have confidence in the woman that you are and
have faith that this man wants to be with you
because he currently is, and have fun in the moment
and do all of the things that you are craving

(49:15):
to do. I'm not scared of looking stupid in front
of you. I think I'm just scared because, like I've
told you before, this is my first attempt at trying
to implement healthy strategies and navigating a relationship.

Speaker 2 (49:29):
So she has no idea what she's doing. Yes, yes,
she's trying, and that's something.

Speaker 3 (49:36):
That is Yeah, it needs to be with a person
who has grace in that, all.

Speaker 2 (49:41):
Right and is willing to reciprocate it right or before
it gets war, before it gets too far gone. Yeah,
real shit, in four.

Speaker 1 (49:49):
Months, I don't know you in forem only right.

Speaker 2 (49:52):
I keep going back to the fact that they're living
together already. Yeah, in the email and it happened right away,
So like they're living together. There are four months into
a relationship and they don't I'm betting at this point
he doesn't like her.

Speaker 1 (50:06):
Yeah, that's my takeaway from it.

Speaker 2 (50:07):
It's a necessity thing, right, And even if he does
like her or is in love with her, I'm willing
to bet he hates the fucking crying, the expectations, the
judgment and all of the shit that's coming. Because of
the way this is written, I can see there's a
lot of problems there.

Speaker 1 (50:21):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (50:22):
I don't Again, men don't want to deal with overly
emotional people all the time. If you have a meltdown
once a month, it's not a big deal. If you
have a meltdown every fucking day, it's a problem.

Speaker 1 (50:31):
That was a big concern for me in the beginning
of a relationship.

Speaker 2 (50:34):
If my phone rings and it's your name on there,
and I go, fuck, I said, if hey babe, right like,
hey woman? Yeah what what now?

Speaker 1 (50:44):
Right?

Speaker 2 (50:45):
Like? That's what I'm looking at my phone now?

Speaker 1 (50:46):
So your name?

Speaker 2 (50:47):
Knowing that, is this going to be a problem? Should
I should I silence the call and say that I
didn't hear my phone ringing?

Speaker 1 (50:52):
Am I busy? Right?

Speaker 2 (50:53):
Can I be like, Hey, I'm with my boss right now.
I'll call you back in an hour. Like those kind
of thoughts tell you a lot about where you're relationship is.

Speaker 3 (51:00):
Yeah, I want a teammate, not an opponent. I'm getting
older and I've been nothing but angry and sad my
entire life. I'm tired of feeling those negative motions. It's
literally killing my soul. And when I feel feelings, I
feel feelings. If I let go and allow myself to
truly fall in love with you, I don't know that
I can handle another heartbreak like that.

Speaker 2 (51:22):
So she's lived her entire life miserable, yes, and she's
saying that she feels feelings and all this shit. How
is any of this to him problem?

Speaker 3 (51:33):
I think maybe she's trying to give him perspective of her.
But if these conversations have already happened, like, if this
is the cycle and he's heard all of this before,
why do you feel the need to continue to say it. Yeah,
I've had three failed marriages. I held a grudge about
the failure of my first marriage. I even held on
to that love for him without even realizing I was

(51:55):
doing it. He was an alcoholic, a drug addict, and
after the army got ahold of him, it got so
much worse.

Speaker 1 (52:00):
So I'm gonna skip this part.

Speaker 3 (52:02):
Because she goes on to say that he died four
years of a heart attack and it took me a lot.

Speaker 1 (52:05):
Did he not know this?

Speaker 3 (52:07):
It's a good question, like, so what is the point
of that being in the in this letter for him?
Your first marriage has nothing to do with him. Your
first husband dying of a heart attack four years ago
has nothing to do with with what's going on in
the relationship right now.

Speaker 1 (52:20):
Needed his marriage two and three.

Speaker 3 (52:21):
So if he wasn't already aware of the baggage that
came with that first marriage, I don't know. I think
four months in I would have already laid out all
of my other marriages.

Speaker 2 (52:32):
Yeah, you would need That's part of the courting phase.

Speaker 3 (52:34):
Yeah, like where I took accountability, where I dropped the ball,
The things I will not tolerate going forward, what I
expect out of a relationship because I had those three
failed marriages, What my ex husbands did, even their names
are irrelevant to you, guys.

Speaker 2 (52:49):
If you go on a date with a woman has
three failed marriages. Just no, it's not worth it. You
should just severtize and go. Three failed marriages says a lot.
It's a lot, yeah, especially for somebody that's quote unquote older.
As she put it, we don't know what her age is.

Speaker 3 (53:02):
We don't We don't know if she took any time
between the marriages. We don't know if she took time
between her third marriage and jumping into this relationship.

Speaker 2 (53:09):
Yeah, loaded Tator Tot said, my mom is fifty six
and has had five failed marriages. That's fucking insane to me.
I had my first marriage in this one, and if
this doesn't work out, it'll never happen again, because I'm
obviously not capable of maintaining her marriage, right, even if,
like I honestly I know that like I did a

(53:30):
lot of fucked up shit in my first marriage, I've
atoned for that, I've worked on that. I know that
I'm not that man anymore, and I believe that this
is the marriage that's going to be into the next life.

Speaker 1 (53:42):
Right.

Speaker 2 (53:43):
But if for some reason you decided to bail and
like left me, I know that I'm not capable of
sustaining long term relationships to his All it takes once
is a okay, that's a learning lesson twice as a pattern. Yeah,
I'm good five fuck that.

Speaker 3 (53:59):
I also think, yeah, maybe you haven't had anyone that
has actually meant their actions touched you with intention. I've
noticed that you're pretty straightforward with sex. Sex shouldn't just
be about orgasms with your partner. It should be fun
and exciting. I'm not saying our sex is bad. It's
just straight to the point. I don't think you've ever

(54:21):
even actually seen me naked, certainly not with the lights
on either. That's fucking wild to me.

Speaker 2 (54:29):
That was the first deep breath that I took while
you're reading, Like I need to say something here like that.
That that that says a lot.

Speaker 3 (54:38):
Yeah, first time you saw me naked, you were like, hang,
I need every light on in this fucking bedroom. You're
like what Yeah, even now, like we will have dimmed.

Speaker 2 (54:51):
Lights all the time looking at you.

Speaker 1 (54:54):
Yeah.

Speaker 3 (54:55):
I I couldn't imagine. I just I couldn't. I understand,
like a little bit of a shyness. Maybe the first
few times you guys get into it. Being in a
relationship for four months and you guys have regularly been
intimate and he hasn't seen you in your full natural form.

(55:16):
I would think you think I'm ugly. Yeah, that would
be really really hard for me.

Speaker 1 (55:21):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (55:21):
How do you live with somebody at all for four
months and not see that as you guys are a couple, right,
Iggy said, So that means she doesn't deserve a new relationship,
even after putting the work into herself. I'm not saying
for the email or has but I'm speaking generally.

Speaker 3 (55:38):
Nobody said she doesn't deserve a relationship. I said, no
more marriage.

Speaker 2 (55:43):
I said that if you're on a date with somebody
who has had three marriages, don't even bother if they've
said that. Yeah, does that mean that I think that
she doesn't deserve a relationship. She deserves whatever she deserves in.

Speaker 3 (55:53):
Life, that's equal to the amount of work that she's
put into it.

Speaker 2 (55:57):
Right, I'm speaking from a man's perspective. There's a fucking
reason your your marriages are failing. Yeah, sometimes people just
aren't compatible and we have a taste for the wrong shit.

Speaker 1 (56:07):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (56:08):
Sometimes you think you're healed in your fucking note, I don't.
I don't, I and the deserve thing bothers me.

Speaker 3 (56:16):
Yeah, That's why I said, No, one says that she
doesn't deserve a new relationship.

Speaker 2 (56:19):
I don't think that we deserve anything. I think karma
has its job and its role to play in the world,
But I don't think we deserve shit. You think that
you deserve to have a happy marriage, you deserve the life,
right you?

Speaker 1 (56:31):
Right? Right?

Speaker 2 (56:34):
You said I mean that to be combative. Why what
makes you think that that's being combative?

Speaker 1 (56:37):
We just disagree, right that. That also felt like a
jump to a conclusion. Just now.

Speaker 3 (56:45):
No, the saying that she's not deserving of a relationship, right, well,
I didn't say that she wasn't deserving of a relationship.

Speaker 2 (56:51):
That's the difference of this is what I said and
this is what you heard.

Speaker 3 (56:54):
That was a really big thing for me during a
iahwask guidance. I totally forgot to say that. But I say,
and what you hear is not the same thing.

Speaker 1 (57:03):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (57:04):
Yeah, People are always going to look at the world
through their lens, and their lens is the life that
they've lived in their bias, and it's.

Speaker 1 (57:11):
The shape they're scared of me, right, It's the path.

Speaker 2 (57:13):
That they're used to taking. So if you've always had
these things happen. You're going to assume those things are
always going to happen instead of trying to heal and
grow and do and change. Jenny said, I would be
interested in how long our previous marriages were before she
got married. That's a good question too. I think all
of that really matters.

Speaker 3 (57:28):
I agree continuing certainly, not with the lights on either.
I want you to be annoying with it. I want
you to constantly be trying to walk in while I'm changing,
or trying to get a sneak peek in the shower.

Speaker 1 (57:40):
I want my man to be obsessed with me.

Speaker 2 (57:42):
Why would he be obsessed with you when you are
constantly emotional? He never knows where you stand. You guys
can't have basic conversations. There's not been any real emotional
attachment to the sexuality of your relationship, Like, why would
you think that all of those things are warranted in
your relationship?

Speaker 3 (58:00):
I was going to say, are you somebody worth being
obsessed over? I'm not going to obsess over an rusted
Spaghettio's can from the two thousands. I am going to
obsess over a plant that I absolutely love, and I'm
going to take care of it. Right, So, if I
am not something that is providing you with enjoyment, pleasure, support, endearment,

(58:26):
why would you be.

Speaker 1 (58:27):
Obsessed with me? Like what qualities in me.

Speaker 3 (58:30):
Would derive that primal, uncontrollable want to be near me?

Speaker 2 (58:36):
And in four months of them being together, he doesn't
know her. This is the continuation of my thought because
I wasn't done yet.

Speaker 1 (58:42):
Well, I'm so sorry.

Speaker 2 (58:44):
In the continuation of the four months of their relationship
and them not knowing each other the way that they
know each other, men are not supposed to do those
things anymore. I'm not allowed to smack your ass, I'm
not allowed to treat you like a piece of meat
or be obsessed over you because it's love bombing, or
it's inappropriate because you're not just a sexual object, and
all of those things that men are fucking instilled now
because of the Internet, that we have to learn to
overcome and and ascertain what is proper behavior in the

(59:07):
relationships that I'm currently in. So, if that's never been
a thing in the relationship, how the fuck is he
supposed to know that it's supposed to be a thing, right?
You know how people who like that get mad over
the ass SPACs.

Speaker 3 (59:20):
Yes, I see the tiktoks, right, and I hear the
men complaining about it, right.

Speaker 2 (59:25):
Yeah, And that's normal shit in our household.

Speaker 1 (59:27):
When you don't smack my ass, I take it personally.

Speaker 2 (59:29):
Right, You've actually stopped me, like, hey, are you okay?
And I'm like, what, Like you walked by and didn't
touch me. I'm like, I'm in my phone, I'm doing
whatever I'm doing right now. I totally didn't even notice
that you were bent over in front of me. I'm
hyper fixated right now when I'm trying to get accomplished.
That shit happens, you know, try to make up for it.
But there's there's that's that is one of those infatuation things.

(59:53):
But that's crafted. It's not just a yeah.

Speaker 1 (59:56):
It shows that it's not habitual, which I appreciate. Right.

Speaker 2 (01:00:00):
Nash said, do we know if they moved in together
four months ago but we're in a relationship before that,
or they met a week later, moved in and got together.
The way that I took it was that they had
met each other and then circumstances shifted and they ended
up moving in together fairly quickly.

Speaker 3 (01:00:15):
My boyfriend, I haven't been dating very long only since February. Okay,
we may have moved in a little too quick. Circumstances
left us both relying on a stranger we just met.

Speaker 2 (01:00:25):
Right, So it does either way. They've only been together
four months. So if they've been together for four months,
living together for two or one, it's still too soon.
Iggy said, I feel like this email was written by me.
If you wrote this email and you feel like that
you wrote the same, You've got a whole lot of
fucking work to do, Like, oh yeah, Like if this
is hitting you that hard that it says a lot,
like there's a lot of work that needs to be done.

Speaker 3 (01:00:45):
Yeah, I would start with regulating emotions.

Speaker 2 (01:00:49):
That needs to be number one for everyone.

Speaker 3 (01:00:51):
So I would start with regulating the emotions. I would
start with learning what I can handle on my own
and what needs to be brought to my man, and
what does not need to be brought to my man.
Some things need to be a conversation and other things
need to be Hey, babe, just so you know where
I'm at, X, Y and Z happened today. Nothing for

(01:01:12):
you to solve, and that's the end of it. It
doesn't need to be a repetitive conversation. It doesn't have
to be brought up multiple times over and over again.
And if there's no solution for him to provide in
the moment for you, or like how she says later on,
she woke him up in the middle of the night
to talk to him about something and he got angry.
It sounds like what's going on this email is perpetual gridlocks.

(01:01:34):
She is repeating the same thing over and over and
over again because something in her is not being sat siated.
And at this point, if this has been their relationship
and this man had tried and he is now shutting down,
is not reciprocating. I can totally understand why, because how
are you going to try and help fix something that
is resisting the help but is also still seeking the validation.

(01:01:58):
So it's like a robot running in a circle screaming
for help, but all it has to do is stop,
and it's not stopping.

Speaker 1 (01:02:05):
Right.

Speaker 3 (01:02:06):
Does that make sense? Okay, none of that was said
to be shitty. I'm trying to provide perspective and it's
all of it solvable. That's the best fucking thing about
all of this. If it's in your hands, that's the
best case scenario because now you're in control of the solution.
Working on feeling like this is hard. Working on being
better as hard. But this is facing me with the

(01:02:28):
fact that I genuinely don't want to be like this anymore. Iggy,
I know this moment fucking sucks. I know that because
I've been in your position, that moment when it hits
you like a ton of bricks.

Speaker 1 (01:02:41):
I wanted to kill myself.

Speaker 3 (01:02:43):
I felt like absolute garbage. I felt like everybody in
my life hated me. I went through a whole gambit
of emotions, and now I had my mental breakdown.

Speaker 1 (01:02:56):
Six years ago. Years has been rough, right.

Speaker 3 (01:03:01):
That first year after that mental breakdown was a lot
of me getting my shit together, getting a car, getting
my own I mean, I already had my own place,
I needed help getting a car, I need I needed
more income. I had people helping me pay my rent
by groceries, all of.

Speaker 1 (01:03:17):
These kinds of things.

Speaker 3 (01:03:19):
And once I recognized that not only can I take
care of myself right, because people can take care of themselves,
but do it in a really shitty manner. So I
not only took care of myself, but I had the
capacity to do it in a way that made me
feel good. This moment's worth it, all right. So continuing,

(01:03:45):
she just explained how she needs her man to be
obsessed with her, walking in on her and all those
kinds of things. She says, I need those type of things.
I need those types of intimate moments where I can
just awkwardly stare at you for an uncomfortable amount of
time because you're as fuck. Has that been tried? Have
you stared at your man? Got caught staring at your man?

(01:04:07):
He goes, don't do that shit. It makes me uncomfortable
when you look at me like that, or have you
not done it? And this is you verbalizing that you
want to be able to do it. I look at
you all the time. I know, yeah, I like it.
I'm going to do things. I'm going to do things.

(01:04:29):
And if you hit me with babe, I don't like that.
I'm not taking it personally right now, I know. I
also don't know what you're gonna say, Oh yeah, that's nice,
or don't ever do that again unless I actually do it.

Speaker 1 (01:04:42):
So this is.

Speaker 2 (01:04:44):
The whole fear of failure.

Speaker 1 (01:04:45):
Yeah, you're all looking silly.

Speaker 2 (01:04:47):
You're already failing by not doing the things. So what
do you have to lose them to be like, don't
do that. You're already not doing it like a cool,
noted don't.

Speaker 3 (01:04:56):
Like that thing, right, continuing, I actually do think about
you just bending me over the side of the couch
sometimes are you walking in on me taking a shower?
I want to be comfortable enough around you to do
weird things. You never know when you'll get an ingrown
hair around your buttthole. All I'm saying is I think

(01:05:16):
we've both been a little dishonest in this relationship about
what it is we want from each other. Okay, so
where does that? What does that mean to you? Right?
Because you just said we've both been dishonest about what
we want from this relationship, and your side is very
clearly not communicating the intimacy needs you have that you're
ready to be with this guy forever, which I think

(01:05:36):
is a lot. In four months, I had a dude
tell me we had two dates. I met him on
a dating app, never did dating apps again. We went
on two dates, spent Valentine's Day with him, and then
after I think a week or two, he told me
he loved me. I was like, this, ain't it. I
don't even know your middle name, like that, that's too much,

(01:05:59):
too asked, And I think that that is that obsession
lust like you were saying prior versus actually living in
the reality of what this is and in me saying
that if you saying that you guys are both not
honest about what we want out of this relationship, do
you have a suspicion that he doesn't want this relationship?

Speaker 1 (01:06:22):
Good question, and that's what the insecurity is.

Speaker 3 (01:06:25):
Are you trying to feed this into something, into what
you want it to be without acknowledging what he actually wants.

Speaker 2 (01:06:31):
I have a better question, Okay, why would you use
the term dishonest about what we want in the relationship
instead of saying we are only four months into the
relationship and we don't actually know what we want out
of this relationship, Because in four months, you don't know.
You haven't been together long enough to know what it
is exactly that you want. Yet there's a whole lot
of I don't know you still. Yes, even moving in

(01:06:54):
together and living there for four months and being around
each other every day, that's not enough time to truly
get to know your person. You guys are masking still,
you're trying to walk on eggshells and put your best
foot forward. In like, so, even though you guys are
having conflict, this is the best foot forward conflict. I'm
willing to bet that in another eight months, if y'all

(01:07:15):
were still together, the conflict would be a whole lot
fucking worse.

Speaker 3 (01:07:18):
Yes, one hundred percent right. You know this also boils
down to conversations. Yes, and four months they know nothing
about each other. If they were still together in eight months,
would there be any new information happening or would it
still be, like you said, the perpetual but worse. Yeah, Now,
like fast forward two years, are there still no conversations happening?

Speaker 1 (01:07:40):
Are you guys are just in gridlock? Then?

Speaker 3 (01:07:41):
What do you actually know about one another? Besides? I
hate these conversations. They're always upset about something. It's always
something new, right right.

Speaker 2 (01:07:50):
That as that transpires, the conversations about other things would
become less and less.

Speaker 1 (01:07:55):
Yes, the fun things to get to know each other thing.

Speaker 2 (01:07:58):
Right, Because I don't want there to be a fight. Yeah,
it's easier to not talk to this person than to
have constant, constant argument. Sometimes it's not worth it.

Speaker 3 (01:08:08):
Harley asked, was there a conversation that they are in
a relationship. I asked that in the last episode too.
Was this they're living together and they kind of fell
into having sex with one another and she caught feelings
or was there a legit conversation of we went on
that one date, we're living together. Now we're boyfriend and girlfriend.

(01:08:29):
I can tell my family about you.

Speaker 1 (01:08:30):
Yeah, who knows? Right.

Speaker 2 (01:08:33):
I do think that it's very important important to also
point out, just quickly to reiterate, I guess that you
can be in a long term relationship with somebody and
not know them one hundred right.

Speaker 1 (01:08:42):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (01:08:43):
You could be a couple of years into a relationship
and not know because you haven't done your homework due diligence, right.
Or you could be twenty years into a relationship and
not know your person because you guys have grown differently. Yes,
and you could know that person, but you don't know
who they currently are. You were going to have different
iterations of yourself as you age, so all of that

(01:09:03):
is very relevant. Yeah, but the conversations that you have
about the past and about your passions and all of
those things are important. You can't just have surface level
conversations all the time.

Speaker 3 (01:09:14):
Yeah, and all of your conversations that can't be about
what's going on with you, how I'm struggling, what I'm
going through, how I'm frustrated, how I need help, and
if it's met with, if you are met with we've
had this conversation before.

Speaker 1 (01:09:30):
I already didn't know how to help you. What do
you need from me in this moment?

Speaker 3 (01:09:34):
Or they're even providing solutions and you don't want to
hear the solutions and shut them down, and you get
even more frustrated and upset because you're not getting what
you were expecting to get out of that conversation. That's
a miserable life.

Speaker 1 (01:09:47):
Yeah.

Speaker 3 (01:09:47):
Absolutely, I feel like you're not even a person at
that point, because I feel like the things that you do,
your interest, your hobbies, the things that make you happy,
the things that you do for the people around you,
like making them smile and laugh. If you don't have
those things, you're just a walking ball of negativity.

Speaker 2 (01:10:05):
People don't want to be around this shit. We said
it all day yesterday. Yeah, I'll beat that nail into
the board until that motherfucker's beyond flush. Yeah, countersink that
motherfucker like, I'm not I'm not going to live in
a perpetual state of negativity. I agree it affects my
mental health. I'm not doing that.

Speaker 1 (01:10:23):
We said it.

Speaker 3 (01:10:23):
I think it was in the last episode that if
we did that to one another, we would end up
killing ourselves. Yeah, that spiral would become so bad with
both of our borderlines.

Speaker 2 (01:10:33):
I don't believe I have borderline anymore. Yeah, I don't.

Speaker 1 (01:10:37):
I did.

Speaker 2 (01:10:38):
I know for a fact I did, and it's been diagnosed.
Like I lived a very horrible life. I don't think.
I think that I've healed enough of myself that I don't.
I think I have bad days. Everyone has bad days.
I think that I I between you know, the life
experiences that I've had and the experiences that we've had
in the medicine, and like the relationship and the new

(01:10:59):
communication skills, and there's nothing more frustrating than not being
able to get your point across as somebody. It's why
people start screaming, right, Yeah, they feel like they're not
being heard, or they feel like they're not their points
not landing, or the other person doesn't understand, and like
that's not a thing. I've gotten good enough with my
words that if if I'm starting to get frustrated, and
I'm not gonna be like I'm not gonna be like
you're not listening. That's not gonna be a phrase. I mean,

(01:11:21):
what can I do? I obviously have not made myself clear.
I need to find a new way to phrase what
I'm phrasing. I'm not gonna allow myself to get worked up.
I'm not gonna scream and y'all, I'm not gonna have
borderline episodes. I get stressed out like everybody else does,
especially when I'm doing a bunch of other things in
terms of life, because there are times that I've got
five things going on right now that i have to
deal with and I'm bouncing back between messengers and phone calls,

(01:11:43):
and that's stressful as fuck. Anyone would feel that stress.
But it's not a bad day. It's just stress.

Speaker 1 (01:11:49):
I don't know.

Speaker 2 (01:11:50):
I do believe that my borderline is healed.

Speaker 3 (01:11:53):
If we're gonna be together, I'm talking the rest of
our lives together forever.

Speaker 2 (01:11:59):
Pretty bold as some in there, right, So, okay, a relationship.

Speaker 3 (01:12:02):
I know that sentence doesn't make sense to me because
she said, if we're going to be together, I'm talking
the rest of our lives together.

Speaker 1 (01:12:08):
Forever.

Speaker 3 (01:12:09):
I'll make them bury me in your casket? Would it
be weird if I kept your hair that kind of forever?

Speaker 2 (01:12:16):
That?

Speaker 3 (01:12:17):
I felt like that was leading somewhere. If we're going
to be together. I want you to feel the same
way too. If we're going to be together, how can
we make this work? Like that feels like a transition?

Speaker 2 (01:12:29):
Well to me, that feels like the content ingestion that
I was talking about earlier. Tell me that doesn't sound
like us.

Speaker 1 (01:12:36):
Oh no, I've said shit like they're going to bury
me with you?

Speaker 2 (01:12:38):
Right? Yeah, you have my femur? Yeah, right like that.
That's what I'm saying. That's why I said what I
said earlier about the content you ingestion.

Speaker 1 (01:12:45):
I'm seeing it. Okay. She asked to keep his hair,
and I was like, I would love to keep my
husband's hair.

Speaker 3 (01:12:51):
But then I remembered, would it be weird if I
kept your hair that type of forever? When I love,
I love fucking hard. That's a scary thing to give
away my entire self. Every time I give my one hundred,
it's taken advantage of So that that hold, right, because
four months in, four months in, and you're ready to

(01:13:11):
be buried with this.

Speaker 2 (01:13:12):
Man, and I don't believe that's love.

Speaker 3 (01:13:14):
I don't believe that's love either. I view that as obsession,
infatuation plus yes, you know, I bet I could pull
ten couples who have been together for four months, ask
all of them what is the eye color of your partner?

Speaker 1 (01:13:28):
And most of them couldn't tell me. After four months.

Speaker 3 (01:13:34):
They could tell me their favorite color, tell me what
their favorite hobby is, maybe the most recent movie that
they watched together.

Speaker 2 (01:13:42):
And I said, people pair it back what they think
you want to hear, and and put our names in it,
like meaning what we want to hear. I don't know
if that was true, though. I don't know if that's
an accurate statement because she wrote this to him, right,
and it has nothing to do with us. I don't know.

Speaker 1 (01:13:57):
I did you think about that shit? Though?

Speaker 2 (01:13:58):
I think that people, it's you. The amount of people
that quote movies, that becomes a normal thing. The meme
culture is a normal thing. So the more you hear
and the more you think is a normal, normal function,
people tend to repeat that shit. It's why the phrase
I didn't expect to live to be eighteen is such
a popular phrase. Everyone I've ever met has said that,

(01:14:22):
whether they were going to war, or they were homeless,
or they were drug addicts, or whatever the case may be,
everybody nobody thought they were gonna make it to thirty
right like that. That is such a prevalent thing. But
it's one of those things that, whether it's true or not,
is said. I've said it, You've said it, all of
you have said it. It's one of those things, and

(01:14:44):
it could. It really does depend on what your life
is like.

Speaker 1 (01:14:46):
Now.

Speaker 2 (01:14:46):
If you have an IVY League, IVY IVY League school
and you're doing really fucking good and got rich parents,
your issue may have been depression, but there's still something
that will have resonated with that statement, whether it's maybe
you just don't want to see thirty right, you know
what I mean, I don't know while you're doing what
you're doing. Somebody said, skipping all the steps of inner
work to maintain the relationship is costing her so much

(01:15:08):
and she doesn't see it. Yeah, yeah, that inner Workshit's ugly.

Speaker 1 (01:15:12):
Man.

Speaker 3 (01:15:14):
I'm not even willing to help the dude i'm dating
for four months pay his rent. If he came to me,
it was like, I need one thousand dollars for my rent. Bro,
I need that money for my rent. Like now, if
we've been together for three years, whatever the case may be,
he's taking care of his parents and we haven't been
able to move in together yet, that's a different conversation.

Speaker 1 (01:15:34):
Right, I'm gonna make that shit happen because.

Speaker 3 (01:15:36):
Now we are a clearly defined trajectory of where we
are going. Hopefully, we have plans made, We have a
game plan for what's going to happen once the parents
pass or get them into a home, whatever the workout is,
and it's a good relationship.

Speaker 2 (01:15:50):
Men get asked all the time in the first six
months of dating somebody to pay their rent.

Speaker 1 (01:15:54):
Are you serious?

Speaker 2 (01:15:55):
Yeah? You don't remember that conversation of the chick that
created a fake tender acting like a dude, and all
the all the women who are like, I need help
paying my bills.

Speaker 1 (01:16:02):
I do remember.

Speaker 3 (01:16:03):
That makes me feel good that you were shocked I
didn't ask you for money when we started dating.

Speaker 2 (01:16:08):
Yeah, was very shocked.

Speaker 1 (01:16:09):
Never once asked you for money. Wasn't my place too? Yeah?
I felt that that was inappropriate.

Speaker 2 (01:16:16):
Everybody else took advantage of me.

Speaker 1 (01:16:17):
That's crazy to me.

Speaker 3 (01:16:19):
Yeah, continuing yep, So I admit that I haven't given
you one single indication that I even needed this type
of feedback from you.

Speaker 1 (01:16:28):
That's a fault of my own.

Speaker 3 (01:16:31):
lead that I know I already touched on that sentence
the first time I read it through That bothers me. Why,
because she made this whole email out to be how
he's not meeting her needs. He's a problem, he's he's
the one he's tired of fighting, but he's the only
one combating. You have never told this man what you

(01:16:54):
need out of him from a romantic relationship, and then
you're punishing him for it. Of course you have insecurities
in the relationship. Are you guys even together? Like in
my mind, when when somebody enters a romantic relationship, we're
going to talk about all the things I love doing,
and I want to hear about all the things that
you love doing, because I want to be the person

(01:17:14):
to satisfy those needs in you.

Speaker 2 (01:17:16):
Right, or to find out if you're compatible.

Speaker 1 (01:17:18):
Right.

Speaker 3 (01:17:20):
I think the reason that sentence rubs me the wrong
way that it does is because in the whole front
half of that email. She made him sound like an
absolute piece of shit. Yeah, and then you just admitted
that you have had zero communication about what you need
from him. So what have the conversations been like? Has
he just been helping you through your bullshit?

Speaker 1 (01:17:42):
Maybe? Well?

Speaker 2 (01:17:43):
I mean I don't think he's been helping her. I
think he might have tried at the beginning.

Speaker 1 (01:17:46):
Right, and then got tired of it. Maybe right.

Speaker 2 (01:17:48):
But let's how about the fact that she she mentioned
that she wanted him to lead. This is the last
line of that is about easier about somebody letting somebody
else lead, right, But how are you going to allow
somebody that you don't know to lead? You're filing following
blindly at that point, right, You're following somebody that you
don't you can't even trust at that point. Trust is

(01:18:10):
something that's built up, it's earned, you know, just meeting
somebody you don't trust them right away, right one. That
leadership is is not something that is easily fucking acquired.

Speaker 1 (01:18:23):
I really do.

Speaker 3 (01:18:24):
Wonder, like, I'm so hung up on the what have
you guys been talking about? Because if he didn't know
about your the problems with your first marriage and you
being hung up on him like that was just revealed
in this four months into the relationship, he passed away
and that messed you up for whatever reason. And now
four months into the relationship, you're communicating what you need
out of it, Like, where have the conversations been?

Speaker 2 (01:18:47):
There hasn't been any. They haven't They didn't have a courting.

Speaker 1 (01:18:50):
Face, so it was just the arguing.

Speaker 2 (01:18:53):
I think that they had days that were good and
lustful because they were new in days that were not
good and lustful because they were in conflict.

Speaker 1 (01:18:59):
This stressing me out because I don't understand it.

Speaker 2 (01:19:01):
There's no courting face, there was nowhere. There was nowhere
along the line for them to learn to know each other. Yeah,
this is this is hookup culture, right, swipe fuck and
then maybe get into a relationship because the ass was good, Like.

Speaker 1 (01:19:13):
It's crazy, absolutely wild. Yeah.

Speaker 3 (01:19:17):
lead out of fear of being judged or rejected. If
I just go with whatever you do, you can't say
you don't like it. Right, There's that is such flawed thinking,
such flawed thinking, The amount of dangerous situations you can
get yourself into because you're too scared to stand up

(01:19:38):
for yourself because somebody might get upset with you.

Speaker 2 (01:19:40):
Right, it's a lack of self worth. I believe that's
where that stems from.

Speaker 3 (01:19:46):
Yeah, if I just go with whatever you do, you
can't say you don't like it. Right, But I was
starting to feel insecure because in my mind, you should
just know I want those things. I know it's an
irrational expectation. You can't read minds. And then my I
would create the situation and play it over and over.
So IM wan to pause there again. So if that's
the insecurity that you were talking about at the beginning

(01:20:07):
of this, I was having insecurities that had nothing to
do with you last night. And then you go on
to say that you were having insecurities because he's supposed
to be able to read your mind and he hasn't,
and you know that it's irrational, and you know it's
something that you need to work on. Is this the
insecurities that you keep bringing up to him? And have
you said?

Speaker 1 (01:20:28):
No?

Speaker 3 (01:20:28):
I shouldn't even ask that question, because she already said
I know I haven't given you the inclination that I
need these things from you. So you really have created
your own cycle right from the information that I'm gathering
the way that I'm processing it, piecing it together with
my own borderline inexperience. You have created your own tornado
of hurting your feelings. Can't be insecure about something that

(01:20:51):
you've never communicated right now. If there's insecurity from past
relationships that's bleeding into this, that's a different conversation. In
the end, it's all being taken out on him though.

Speaker 2 (01:21:03):
Right Well, she's getting mad at him over her made
up scenarios.

Speaker 1 (01:21:06):
That is also true.

Speaker 2 (01:21:08):
Yeah, And in that statement alone is enough for me
to be like, I wouldn't want to be in a
rupt relationship or something like that. Like, if she's this
is the reality of it. She just admitted that she's
getting mad at him over her made up reality or
made up scenarios. Yes, And we know that they get
into conflict all the time, and she's an over an
emotional crier, and she loves heart and all of this shit.

(01:21:28):
So every time she gets a little bit of upset
in her head and creates a scenario, it's his fucking
problem to deal with.

Speaker 1 (01:21:33):
Oh, I'd even think that is pure crazy.

Speaker 2 (01:21:36):
Psychotic nonsense from a woman. Yeah, I wouldn't be dealing
with that shit.

Speaker 3 (01:21:42):
I guessed to do that too, create scenarios in my
mind and it hurt my own feelings and then get
upset when the person I was with didn't make me
feel better about it. Right, I know, it's an irrational expectation.
You can't read minds, and in my mind I would
create the situation and play it over and over again,
and then the insecure thoughts start happening all all of
a sudden, I'm offended because you have a chick and
a bathing suit, tattooed up, curvey body, no stretch marks,

(01:22:06):
fat ass as the background on your phone.

Speaker 2 (01:22:08):
So she's everything you're not and you're bothered by it. Yes,
that's jealousy.

Speaker 1 (01:22:13):
I was about to say that's jealousy. Yep.

Speaker 2 (01:22:16):
Yeah, I do think that that's very inappropriate the moment
you commit yourself. I gotta be honest, I think that's disgusting.

Speaker 1 (01:22:24):
Yeah, some random chick you don't know on your screen SERI.

Speaker 2 (01:22:28):
Yeah, any any half naked person as your background is
fucking weird to me. If it's not your person like,
if it's not your fucking person like, and even even
with the relationship that we have and like we we
have some some pretty wild sexual escapades, and I have
all kinds of naked youngminess on my phone with you,
But I had a picture of you where your ass

(01:22:49):
was exposed at one point. Yeah, and it wasn't even
just your butt crack, like, it was just a side
and I felt people don't need to see that. If
I unlock my phone and I changed it, that is
I think that's disgusting. You're sexualizing something, yes, like I
don't know, I don't like that. I really don't like that.

(01:23:09):
Across the board, in a relationship or not. I think
it's disgusting. I understand there are people out there who
make their money by being that model or whatever the
case may be. I personally just don't fuck with it.

Speaker 1 (01:23:19):
I agree.

Speaker 2 (01:23:20):
But if you start going on a date with somebody
and they have a half naked person on their lock screen,
that says a lot about the quality of the person
that you're sitting down with.

Speaker 1 (01:23:30):
Ye. I agree.

Speaker 3 (01:23:32):
So she said that these insecurities have nothing to do
with him, but it boiled down to that she's upset
that he has a woman on his phone that's not her. Yeah,
so it is about him, right, follow the threads.

Speaker 1 (01:23:43):
People, what's your lock screen. Right now, my lock screen.
I'll show you.

Speaker 3 (01:23:52):
My favorite part on that photo is your finger indense, Yeah,
holding me against you. Yeah, it looks like a fucking
marble statue.

Speaker 1 (01:23:59):
And I love it.

Speaker 2 (01:24:00):
It's funny. I took that picture. It's funny. Harley said,
that's such a great picture of Chris. That picture was
taken by therapy while we were in Costa Rica. Was
and that was right after I tried to steal your coconut.

Speaker 1 (01:24:15):
It was. I also have that picture.

Speaker 2 (01:24:18):
That's my second favorite photo of us, that one, the
coconut one. Yeah.

Speaker 1 (01:24:23):
Yeah, that's a good picture.

Speaker 2 (01:24:25):
But you see how appropriate those are, Like yours is sexy,
like on your phone, I posed you like, I know
what the fuck I was doing, but it's classy as
a motherfucker. Like there, that is the epitome of like
Krim Dela Chrim, feminine divinity, Like you are doing your
thing sexy as fuck.

Speaker 1 (01:24:43):
Yeah.

Speaker 3 (01:24:45):
Yeah, so I said, follow that thread right. The thing
that you land on that makes you most upset and
based in reality and life is a thing that's triggering you.
So yes, I do believe that there are insecurities happening
because you're not receiving the level of love that you
haven't communicated yet from him that is worsened by the

(01:25:06):
fact that he has another woman that you don't compare
to as his screensaver. I know she's been the background
of your phone since we've met. We were also both
single when we met, and it didn't matter if we
sexualize someone else.

Speaker 1 (01:25:22):
Is that for real?

Speaker 2 (01:25:23):
Like, you're cool with your man sexualizing somebody. You guys
are both when they were single. Do you think that's
an okay thing? Isn't that what we're told constantly is
that men shouldn't sexualize women.

Speaker 1 (01:25:33):
Oh yeah, we're not sexual objects. Don't look at me
like that, right, yeah, true, true.

Speaker 3 (01:25:39):
I can't imagine that you would be okay seeing some
dude on my background every time.

Speaker 1 (01:25:43):
I unlocked my phone. That's not a major ordeal.

Speaker 3 (01:25:46):
It just strikes an extra nerve at the moment because
of my own insecurities. I am going to add speculation
onto this. Do you think it also bothers you because
he has not seen you fully naked?

Speaker 2 (01:26:00):
How is that possible?

Speaker 1 (01:26:03):
I live naked, Like, I don't know how it's possible.

Speaker 2 (01:26:08):
Why are you kid going because you do? I just
you said that and all I can think of you
sitting outside meditating butt naked in the rain.

Speaker 1 (01:26:16):
Yeah.

Speaker 3 (01:26:17):
Yeah, So if it hasn't happened yet, it's because neither
of you have facilitated it. If we'd have been together
for four months and you hadn't seen me naked yet,
you're walking through that front door five pm with me
opening a robe.

Speaker 2 (01:26:31):
Yeah, making it, just gonna make it happen.

Speaker 1 (01:26:34):
Yeah, looks better in the daylight, doesn't it. Daddy. Let's go.

Speaker 3 (01:26:45):
I don't want to come to you about my insecurities
because I certainly don't want to make you feel like
you just weren't doing enough or you can never do
anything right. I hate when you say those things. One
because you are enough. I'm here right now fighting this
with all of you. Okay, So I'll want to pause there, right,

(01:27:05):
She said, the relationship was great up until recently things
were going bad. I don't like it when you feel
like you aren't doing enough or you can never do
anything right. Did you make him feel that way at
the beginning of the relationship. People don't go into the
relationship thinking, oh, I can't do anything right. There's new

(01:27:27):
and excitement and like we said that lust and honeymoon phase.
So if he is now saying that he can't do
anything right and that hasn't been happening since the beginning,
has he been made to feel like he is the
problem of the backlash or the fallout that's happening within you.

(01:27:48):
This is also like a nitpick thing for me. She
put one because you are enough, but there was no two.
What was where is this? Where's the list going?

Speaker 2 (01:28:00):
Maybe it was removed? Oh maybe she said this was
what she sent verbatim. So she either lost her train
of thought and didn't prove reason she edited it, or
she edited it and lied.

Speaker 1 (01:28:13):
I am suspicious. I am suspicious.

Speaker 3 (01:28:17):
I'm kidding, all right, Continuing, I think we've both been
holding back, and both for the same reasons fear of
getting hurt. But damn, look at what we're doing to
each other right now. Okay, So I want to pause here.
I think we've both been holding back, and both for
the same reasons. I wouldn't say that I can only

(01:28:42):
relay back to you what you've told me, so I
can't say that we're struggling for the same reasons. I
know why I'm struggling, and if you haven't told me
that you're struggling because me being so emotional is.

Speaker 1 (01:28:57):
Too much for you to handle. I don't know that,
all right.

Speaker 3 (01:29:01):
I view that sentence as a projection of trying to
make sense of what's going on so she can feel
more comfortable in the situation.

Speaker 1 (01:29:07):
Does that make sense?

Speaker 2 (01:29:09):
Her being upset and emotional and him being sick and
tired of her being upset and emotional is not the
same thing.

Speaker 1 (01:29:14):
Oh no, it's not. Okay, I agree with that.

Speaker 3 (01:29:17):
Just to clarify when I say I feel something or
my perspective of this is it's not law.

Speaker 2 (01:29:24):
No, it's just your opinion, right, this is just intersert
a disclaimer, babe.

Speaker 3 (01:29:29):
Don't be fucking since now we're not therapists, not licensed.

Speaker 2 (01:29:37):
No, just two people on the internet with opinions.

Speaker 3 (01:29:39):
Life experience saved a lot of marriages, to be extreme,
to have saved lives, yep. So I would like to
think that on the trajectory that we are on, with
the wins that we have had, we've had yet to
somebody relationships have ended, but they've always thanked.

Speaker 1 (01:29:56):
Us for it. That's true.

Speaker 3 (01:29:57):
So we have yet to receive an email of you
fucked up on my relationship and I hate you now, well.

Speaker 2 (01:30:03):
Even then, we can't fuck up somebody's relationship.

Speaker 1 (01:30:05):
Yeah, y'all did that.

Speaker 2 (01:30:06):
We really technically can't make somebody's relationship better. We can
give you fucking food and you can decide to eat
it or not eat it. The choice is yours. All
of the shit's a decision to choose to listen or
not listen, or implement or not implement. Is all a
you decision.

Speaker 1 (01:30:19):
It's on you.

Speaker 3 (01:30:20):
Yeah, this shit sucks. Well on topping all of this out,
it's two forty eight am. Once again, there's tension between us.
I'm overthinking. You're avoiding it, which you're tired, you're sleeping.
I get it again. That's why I didn't want to
bother you. I was just getting my charger. When I
said go back to sleep, I was seriously fighting back tears.

(01:30:43):
I didn't want you to think you did anything wrong,
because you didn't. It was my own feelings getting hurt
over expectations that I set into my sights. I knew
you were tired. I knew you didn't want to fight either,
but I wasn't trying to fight. I was just trying
to deal with my dramatic shit and let you sleep.
So he was sleeping. She went into the room to

(01:31:04):
get her phone charger. He woke up, probably checked on her,
told him to go back to sleep while fighting back tears.

Speaker 1 (01:31:11):
Clearly there is a sense of caring because he didn't
go back to sleep, right, He heard it in your voice,
solid on your face something and chose to stay awake
and try and figure out what was going on. There
was no credit given for that. None.

Speaker 2 (01:31:25):
They also went to bed at different times.

Speaker 1 (01:31:27):
Yeah, that's illegal in our household, it is.

Speaker 2 (01:31:31):
But you're right, there was no acknowledgment of him trying.

Speaker 3 (01:31:36):
I would, honestly, Babe, if you went to bed without me,
I would think that you were secretly hiding divorce papers
and you were making sure it was all correct before
giving it to time.

Speaker 2 (01:31:44):
That's funny.

Speaker 1 (01:31:47):
I remember what we were talking about this.

Speaker 2 (01:31:49):
You know when we used to record without going live. Ever,
this was like ninety percent of our podcast. Oh yeah,
which is why I never let other people edit our
footage until after wet are recording live. This is my
first live Is this normal? No? No, normally don't. We
don't do this in front of you guys. But this

(01:32:12):
is not being recorded directly to YouTube, so I can
cut all this out and the rest of the people
don't get it.

Speaker 1 (01:32:18):
Sorry, Oh my gosh. Okay, So I know I touched
on the sleeping thing a little bit before. You've been
recording for a while. I don't really remember what I
went in depth with the waking him up. Even if
you didn't mean to, he wakes up, what's going on? Nothing?

(01:32:39):
Go back to sleep.

Speaker 3 (01:32:40):
But you were clearly upset, so a conversation transpired. If
you truly didn't want to have a conversation, it would
have looked like, Babe, seriously, I'm going through it right now.

Speaker 1 (01:32:51):
Go back to bed.

Speaker 3 (01:32:52):
Once I process my shit, we can have a conversation
in the morning before we go to work.

Speaker 1 (01:32:56):
Love you. I'm going to be in the living room
doom scrolling, see you in the morning, and then leave. There.

Speaker 3 (01:33:04):
Did not have to be conversation beyond that if you
didn't want to have a conversation beyond that, I'm not
willing to have conversations with you waking you up. In
the beginning of our relationship, there are a couple of
times where I sat in the living room until three
or four o'clock in the morning, trying to process what
I'm going through. And allowing you to sleep, because one
I knew how little sleep you get to your life
is stressful. The last thing you need is a three

(01:33:27):
am conversation about how I'm a mess, staying up until
probably five or six, going into work the next day,
feeling how you're feeling, knowing you're going to come back
home to the same thing. I'm not willing to put
you through that, right you, not just as my husband,
but like you as a human being and everything that
you have experienced in life. I don't want to give
that to you.

Speaker 2 (01:33:49):
I'm curious how many of you, because I can only
speak for us, how many of you in the chat
just put a one in if you only own one
phone charger.

Speaker 1 (01:33:57):
I was just thinking that, like and like, the next
thing is have a charger in the living room.

Speaker 2 (01:34:02):
Well, we've got them all over the place. It's a
USBC cable, We got kids. Everything takes USBC. Now, there's
no reason for you to have to go and get
your phone charger out of the room. Every single USBC
will charge your phone, yea, all of them. I just
that's crazy to me. There's a part of me that
wants to go that's manipulation. You went in there knowing

(01:34:23):
that he would wake up. You were not being quiet.
You use your phone charger as an excuse to have
that conversation at three o'clock in the morning.

Speaker 1 (01:34:30):
Into the bedroom a reason.

Speaker 2 (01:34:32):
I don't like using the kid's bathroom.

Speaker 1 (01:34:35):
I get it.

Speaker 2 (01:34:36):
I don't, and I will either hold my poop until
you get out of bed, or I will fucking suffer
and use the kid's bathroom. When I got out of
bed and that door closed, I'm not going back in.
There no reason for me to go in the bedroom period.
I get mad at Ivy when she leans against the
door because I can hear it touch the door like
she's sleeping, bitch.

Speaker 1 (01:34:53):
I get that.

Speaker 2 (01:34:54):
There's not a reason for that. All of that could
have waited unless she was typing this up on her phone.
And if that's the case, I mean maybe she needed
her phone charger. Or she could have just turned her
phone off and went to bed and picked this back
up tomorrow.

Speaker 1 (01:35:05):
I don't know.

Speaker 2 (01:35:06):
I also don't have to charge my phone throughout the day. Yeah, Like,
even if I get up at six and I'm up
until two or three in the morning, my phone still
has battery.

Speaker 1 (01:35:14):
Yeah. I typically go to bed at like thirty percent.

Speaker 2 (01:35:19):
Depends on when we go to bed. My phone's are
only at forty to fifty percent. Sometimes it'll be at twenty,
but it depends on how much phone calls I had
to make during that daytime. Maybe that's a screen time thing, right,
I don't know.

Speaker 3 (01:35:30):
Anyways, I wasn't able to de escalate the situation. I
kept making it worse and worse. I just wanted to
shut off my feelings. And then when you got mad
at me, it really made me feel like my feelings
were just an inconvenience for you. It felt like it
didn't matter that I was feeling a little insecure. All
the alarm bells are going off inside of me. Right now,
I'm dingling, I'm feeling the medicine. Like in the beginning

(01:35:53):
of your email, you said that he only responds with
anger and manipulation, twisting your words, all those kinds of
things you just said, and then you got mad at me.

Speaker 1 (01:36:03):
So the whole.

Speaker 3 (01:36:03):
Beginning part of that conversation, you sneaking into the bedroom,
him waking up, trying to figure out what's going on.
He wasn't mad about it, he wasn't angry about it.
It got to a certain point because you weren't able
to de escalate the situation. I kept making it worse
and worse. I just wanted to shut off my feelings.
So it sounded like you were in the thick of

(01:36:23):
a borderline episode or whatever the case may be.

Speaker 1 (01:36:27):
What did she say? She say, had a bunch of
things in the beginning, all kinds of labels.

Speaker 3 (01:36:31):
It could be like the bipolar, it could be the personality,
it could be you're autism kicking I'm trying to find that.
I wasn't able to escalate the situation. I kept making
it worse. I wanted to just shut off my feelings,
and then you got mad at me.

Speaker 2 (01:36:46):
Does that sound like we're having a conversation and now
you're done. I just wanted to stop, So we're done talking.

Speaker 1 (01:36:51):
What do you mean? Well her saying that.

Speaker 2 (01:36:53):
Right, okay, Well that's this is speculation. All this is speculation.
But if you get if we're in the heat of
the thick of it and you just want to shut down,
and I'm not allowing you to shut down anymore because
we're in the middle of conflict, and that's what you
want to do. When you're trying to do that, of course,
things are going to get escalated.

Speaker 1 (01:37:09):
Yeah, you're stone walling, or I would be stone.

Speaker 2 (01:37:12):
Walling's the four horsemen of the relationship, and.

Speaker 1 (01:37:17):
They have perpetual arguments. They're having gridlock, and they're having
the stone walling.

Speaker 2 (01:37:24):
They're also arguing over made up scenarios. This is like
having a bad dream about your partner and having a
bad week because of it, waking.

Speaker 1 (01:37:32):
Up mad at them. Yeah.

Speaker 3 (01:37:33):
Yeah, I felt like it didn't matter that I was
feeling insecure.

Speaker 1 (01:37:39):
You got mad at me.

Speaker 3 (01:37:40):
It really made me feel like my feelings were just
an inconvenience fears.

Speaker 1 (01:37:43):
But how did it feel when he wasn't angry about it? Right?

Speaker 2 (01:37:46):
But didn't matter because it wasn't affecting her, Then it
affected her, and it fit the narrative when he got
mad about.

Speaker 3 (01:37:52):
It continuing and a time when I needed your attention
the most, you didn't give me any type of positive
reassurance that my insecurities weren't real. Instead, you gave me excuses,
You got annoyed, you just rolled over and went back
to sleep. I'm gonna be honest, I don't know if
I believe that.

Speaker 1 (01:38:09):
Right.

Speaker 3 (01:38:09):
So we have your definition of angry, we also have
it clearly laid out because of the way that you
ordered it. He was not angry when he woke up
and engaged in a conversation with you about what was
going on. He proceeded to become angry because of your
dysregulation and your inability to de escalate yourself.

Speaker 1 (01:38:28):
So was he not offering reassurance or were you so
swept up in the whirlwind of your emotions that you
couldn't hear him giving it to you? Because him giving
it to you would be a reason to not be
in the spiral that you're in right that time in
the kitchen when you hit me with I've heard you,
what more can I do for you? And if I

(01:38:49):
kept pushing, that would have been totally selfish of me,
because I need to keep going to feel better about this.

Speaker 2 (01:38:54):
Yeah, that would have started a fight between us. That
would have been an actual fight between us. I know
you ever been able to fall back to sleep after conflict? No,
you know why you can't fall back asleep after my
adrenaline and shit's going adrenaline and corsol. Right, you're in
fight or flight. You're angry. You're not falling asleep while
you're angry. It's not happening, So she may have walked
back out of the room and he probably laid in
there until he had to go to.

Speaker 1 (01:39:15):
Work doing pissed right, you know?

Speaker 3 (01:39:17):
And I wonder if he started becoming angry because he
recognized that there was no end to this insight. I
have to be up for work in the morning. I'm
not going to get any sleep after this, and I'm done.
It could be a whole host of things continuing. I
don't expect you to cater to my feelings, but if
my feelings are constantly being seen as you not caring,

(01:39:39):
then what kind of partner doesn't care?

Speaker 1 (01:39:41):
Do you see where I'm coming from? Okay, so you
say that right?

Speaker 3 (01:39:46):
If my feelings are constantly being seen as you not caring,
then what kind of partner doesn't care?

Speaker 1 (01:39:51):
On the flip side of that, if.

Speaker 3 (01:39:52):
There is zero acknowledgment for all of the effort that
I'm trying to put into showing you that I care,
but you haven't told me how to I love you properly?

Speaker 1 (01:40:02):
What kind of relationship am I am? Because I'm being
punished no matter what? Is it? Just me? Has she
acknowledged that?

Speaker 3 (01:40:07):
Like?

Speaker 1 (01:40:07):
Has she? I know she said that She hasn't.

Speaker 3 (01:40:11):
Communicated it, but it still sounds like she's upset with
him over the fact that he is responding or even
reacting to the emotions that she's creating within herself.

Speaker 2 (01:40:22):
She's wanting, she's wanting him to go above and beyond
to cater to her her emotional dysregulation. This is the
little Boy who Cried Wolf. Yeah, So all of the
times that there's been problems in the beginning, I'm sure
he really tried to be there for her. Yeah, And
over time you realize that this is just another bullshit situation.

(01:40:42):
Why do I need to be there?

Speaker 1 (01:40:43):
Yeah?

Speaker 2 (01:40:43):
And then when you know there's a serious like I
hope they're okay. In your head, little boy got eaten.
Litt boy shouldn't have cried wolf. So many times you've created
this environment that you're in. This is a you problem.

Speaker 3 (01:40:56):
The Boy who Cried Wolf was a great way to
put all of that. I agree with it.

Speaker 1 (01:41:00):
If you are.

Speaker 3 (01:41:01):
Somebody who is constantly going to your person with insecurities, issues, problems,
whatever the case may be, and you don't even know
what the resolution of it is, it's like groundhog Day.

Speaker 1 (01:41:17):
I know what I'm waking up tomorrow. Fuck tomorrow already. Yep.

Speaker 3 (01:41:21):
There are times where you may have even done something
in our marriage and you're like, what can I do
to fix this? And I'm like, I don't know, and
we don't talk about it because until I know what
I need from you in order to feel better about
what happened or what is happening, there's nothing to be said.

Speaker 1 (01:41:39):
We've already talked about the situation. There's been an acknowledgment.

Speaker 3 (01:41:42):
You clearly are showing the fact that you want to
help repair and change the things that are not change
the things, but to prevent it in the future.

Speaker 1 (01:41:50):
What else more could I ask for? Because now it's
just waiting on.

Speaker 2 (01:41:53):
Me, right, and there's nothing else really I could do.

Speaker 1 (01:41:56):
Right, there's nothing that you could do. You maintain the
baseline and loving me the way that you've loved until
I come to the conclusion of that one specific thing
that I need to feel like it's resolved for me.
There's a difference between it being resolved in the marriage
and it being resolved in you. Right. Does that make sense?

Speaker 2 (01:42:14):
Absolutely? Absolutely? That's normal. Shit. Yeah, the marriage has to
move forward. It can't live in nineteen eighty nine.

Speaker 1 (01:42:23):
No, Right, Continuing yep. Do you see where I'm coming from?
You know what? I bet he can.

Speaker 3 (01:42:30):
Because he gets to a point to where he's angry
and he's expressing that he can't do anything right, he's
good for nothing, he's stupid, all of these other kinds
of things. And if that hasn't been happening the whole
relationship and it's just starting up like in the earlier
part of the email, I do believe he knows exactly

(01:42:51):
what you're going through because you're not showing care for him.
This is about you and what you're going through and
how he's not meeting the standards or expectations that you
haven't communicated.

Speaker 2 (01:42:59):
Yet, unspoken expectations or premeditated resentments.

Speaker 3 (01:43:03):
Yes, I one hundred percent believe that he would say
that he feels like his feelings are constantly not being
seen or cared about.

Speaker 1 (01:43:11):
And what kind of partner doesn't care?

Speaker 2 (01:43:14):
That's if he actually gives a shit.

Speaker 1 (01:43:15):
Yeah, that is if he gives a shit.

Speaker 2 (01:43:17):
Someone in chat said, I feel for her in a
way I used to grasp at straws of potential in
a relationship, romantic or friendship. My my healed or should
I say my healing self can see the irrational thinking
in this. Now, us having this conversation is not a
fuck you to her in any way, shape or form.
None of our emails are nasty like that. There have
been a couple where, like you can tell that we.

Speaker 1 (01:43:40):
Oh yeah, like that mom who abused her kids, right to.

Speaker 2 (01:43:42):
Prove that point, right, right, But that's very few and
far between. All of the conversations that we have is
to help people gain insight to fix themselves. And like
somebody said earlier in the chat, this email feels like
she wrote it even though she didn't. Yeah, she's going
to gain a whole lot from this because it's you know,
everything that we are saying has nothing to do with her,
so she can implement what she feels she can implement, right.

(01:44:03):
That's that's why what we do is so successful.

Speaker 3 (01:44:05):
So I used to be this person too, Yeah, oh yeah,
grasping at straws for love and attention.

Speaker 1 (01:44:12):
I was so starved of it.

Speaker 3 (01:44:14):
I got into relationships with people that I wasn't even
attracted to. It's insane because they were feeding something inside
of me. I was damaged and broken with undiagnosed borderline.
Any any thoughts before I keep going, If I were
to continue to just be on my phone and show
you no attention at all, how would that make you feel?

Speaker 2 (01:44:36):
How about asking him how he fed felt when you
were actually doing that for the last few weeks.

Speaker 1 (01:44:41):
Yeah, or months, or however long.

Speaker 2 (01:44:43):
It's right, She admitted she was doing that shit.

Speaker 3 (01:44:46):
Yeah, she said, her cuddling up to him and all
of those things has only been the last few days, right,
And it's because he said something about it, she said.
We had a conversation, and I've been working on it.
I know I can do better. Though, asking somebody how
would you make that feel?

Speaker 1 (01:45:01):
From me?

Speaker 3 (01:45:02):
Is derived from a place of I want you to
say that you would hurt just as much as I'm
hurting right now.

Speaker 2 (01:45:07):
That's a parentinge statement. Yeah, well, how would that make
you feel? If somebody's bullying.

Speaker 3 (01:45:12):
You, eventually you would need to say something. What if
instead of showing me it fuck me?

Speaker 2 (01:45:19):
He didn't say something though he did. Okay, you're right,
you're right he did. You said he did say something,
and that's why it changed.

Speaker 3 (01:45:26):
Well, Okay, so that's my assumption because she said that
they had a conversation about it, and she was trying
to be on her phone less because of that conversation.
So the conclusion that I'm drawing there is that he
spoke up and said that, or she said something and
he agreed that it was a problem. Something was said
there for her to acknowledge that I can't be doing

(01:45:47):
this anymore.

Speaker 2 (01:45:48):
Right, But now it's being thrown back in his face
in a situation of what if.

Speaker 3 (01:45:52):
If that's what happened, what she said, she does, She
spirals down that what if we are watching it play out?

Speaker 1 (01:45:57):
Holy shit? Yep?

Speaker 3 (01:45:59):
What if instead of showing you more attention, more affection,
what if I just played on my phone even more.
Eventually you're gonna start thinking does she even like me?
We need to find the pattern here and figure out
how to break it. What is triggering these intense moments? Well,
usually my feelings, So I want to pause there. So
at what point do these intense moments transpire in a conversation?

(01:46:23):
Because he woke up and wasn't angry, he became angry.
So if you guys are capable of having conversations and
then your feelings become the problem, I don't believe it's
just that you're talking about your feelings. Are you being explosive?
Are you blaming him in the moment. Are you being irrational?
Are you screaming and crying? Like, what is the catalyst

(01:46:46):
in the moment of your feelings to cause that disconnect
in the relationship, Because if it was just your feelings,
he would have been angry right off the bat. Get
the fuck out of the room. You're being too loud
on trying to sleep, right. You have a very avoidant
attachment style. That's not saying you have a negative trait.
Everyone has their own negative type of frates and we
all usually have childhood trauma or fear of abandonment that

(01:47:08):
causes us to form unhealthy ways of handling things.

Speaker 1 (01:47:11):
Sometimes youa TikTok.

Speaker 2 (01:47:14):
Yeah, pop psychology.

Speaker 1 (01:47:15):
I don't like it when people tell me how I feel.

Speaker 3 (01:47:22):
Or what I am right right, I'll take a compliment.
You have amazing energy, whatever the case may be. I
would have said instead of saying you have a very
avoidant attachment style, I would have said, in moments where
we have tension or I'm trying to talk about what's
going on with me, I feel like you withdraw.

Speaker 2 (01:47:42):
Just a great way to word it. Feel disconnected. Yeah,
it's all great, great burbage.

Speaker 3 (01:47:46):
This was another thing that made me pause while I
was reading. We don't have to talk about anything, or
we talk about everything. That's a lie. We don't have
to talk about anything. That's a lie. You want to
talk about things, or you wouldn't be writing this letter.
You wouldn't be trying to convey what you're going through
to him if you didn't want to have a conversation

(01:48:09):
about what.

Speaker 1 (01:48:10):
Was going on.

Speaker 3 (01:48:10):
Right, you said you don't want to live this way,
or that's the impression that I got out of this.
I don't remember referbadim if she says she doesn't want
to live this way. I do recall her saying that
she doesn't want to live negatively anymore. And that's what
this is, And thought, I don't know if you had
something to say it well.

Speaker 2 (01:48:26):
On the whole, she doesn't want to live negatively, she's
the one that has to change the way she's living. Yeah,
if you are not a negative person, the people around
you are not normally going to be consistently negative to you.
It's that whole matched energy thing. I also feel they
need to state again, even though I stated at a
bunch of the original email or the first part of

(01:48:47):
this that sometimes people are just fuck faces. Oh yeah,
and that could be the case with this guy.

Speaker 1 (01:48:51):
We don't know.

Speaker 2 (01:48:53):
We only have her side of things, and that's what
we're picking apart.

Speaker 3 (01:48:56):
It's your responsibility to deal with your own healing from that,
just like I've handled mine. I know I've been bringing
this up a lot lately, and I can feel you
getting defensive and frustrated every time. I can see how
you could feel attacked. That's why I chose to say
intentional words like I feel when I lead with those
words in that moment. I just need you to listen

(01:49:17):
to what my heart is trying to say. Sometimes my
words may not come out right.

Speaker 2 (01:49:21):
Well, yeah, if you say I feel like you're a
piece of shit, it doesn't matter what you fucking feel like.
You just attacked him.

Speaker 3 (01:49:26):
That was the exact sentence that came to my mind. Yeah,
I feel like you're a piece of shit. Yes, I
feel like you have avoidant attachment styles.

Speaker 2 (01:49:35):
Yeah, here's a thought. What if he's happy being who
he is? Yeah, and she wants him to change to
meet this standard of what she thinks he needs to
be to be in her life, instead of accepting him
for who he is because she's she's got this idea
of his potential oh yeah, or what he needs to
do to cater to her, instead of accepting that this
is the man she decided to move in with. That's

(01:49:58):
the reality of it. Yeah, I am who the fuck
I am. I am changing because I want to change,
not because you want me to change. Your growth and
all the things that you do, it's because you want
to do them, not because I want you to be
a different version of you.

Speaker 1 (01:50:11):
Right, That's all there is too.

Speaker 2 (01:50:13):
That we are growing and evolving together because as you
level up, it makes me want to level up, and
when I level up, you're like, damn, I need to
level up, And like we are doing that for each
other because.

Speaker 1 (01:50:22):
We want to. It's like pong back and forth.

Speaker 2 (01:50:25):
But that's that is what you're doing. So anyways, the
whole point of what I was trying to say in
all of that is if I was happy with my
growth and where I am and right now and this
is decided. This is where I decided to plant my
roots and never evolve past where I am currently. Eventually
you are going to grow past me.

Speaker 1 (01:50:40):
Yeah, you're not going to see me anymore. I'm gonna
be up in this cloud.

Speaker 2 (01:50:43):
Right, But if I love me and I'm content being
where I am, why should I have to change? I'm happy,
I have joy, I have joy in life. If for
some reason you wanted me to stop existing in the
space that I am in where I have joy, how
how dare you? How fucking dare you find the other

(01:51:04):
person that's going to fill that void in your life?
Don't fuck up other people's joy.

Speaker 3 (01:51:10):
I wanted to add on to that, if they haven't
had conversations about his traumas and what he has gone
through and all those kinds of things. If they've only
had conversations about what she's gone through, and he is
truly an avoidant, detached, I don't believe he's shared anything
about him, right, So if he's not engaging in those

(01:51:32):
conversations and opening up about himself, I'm going to ask
the emailer, are you creating trauma for him to try
and make sense of what's going on and then pushing
that onto him?

Speaker 1 (01:51:44):
That's my question.

Speaker 2 (01:51:45):
It is possible. We don't know. We have all kinds
of hypotheticals.

Speaker 1 (01:51:49):
When we read these emails, don't Oh yeah we do.

Speaker 2 (01:51:50):
We make up all kinds of shit. Yeah, we have
no idea, so we have.

Speaker 1 (01:51:53):
To I mean a lot of the time we're not
inaccurate though.

Speaker 2 (01:51:56):
No, not always sometimes sometimes.

Speaker 3 (01:51:58):
Yeah, sometimes, Well that's also because of a lack of
information in the email. If you don't want us to
hypothetical and go completely left feel with something, you need
to be intentional with your words and the story that
you're creating.

Speaker 1 (01:52:09):
For us to read. And it is a story. Yeah,
I know.

Speaker 3 (01:52:13):
I've been bringing this up a lot lately, and I
can feel you getting defensive and frustrated every time. I
can see how you could feel attacked. That's why I
chose to say intentional words like I feel sometimes my
words may not come out right, and if you feel
attacked or offended, stop me and tell me, say, hey,

(01:52:33):
can you rephrase that.

Speaker 1 (01:52:35):
I don't like how that sounded.

Speaker 2 (01:52:37):
That's healthy.

Speaker 3 (01:52:38):
I think that is a logical request, especially if she
is trying to work on living that healthier lifestyle. People
who are going through unlearning all of their toxic traits,
their survival mechanisms, battling their own borderline, we need that
reality check.

Speaker 1 (01:52:55):
Absolutely.

Speaker 3 (01:52:56):
There was a lot of time I've gotten really good
at controlling my volume and checking my in the moment
because I pay more attention to it now. In the
beginning of our relationship, there was a lot of don't
raise your voice at me, we don't talk to each
other like that, because I couldn't register that I was
raising my voice. The sound the noises in my head,
like that TV static of panic was louder than I was.

(01:53:17):
Do you think that him not being willing to do that?

Speaker 1 (01:53:20):
Do you think he's tried it? I think I think
at the beginning, I'm sure that he did.

Speaker 2 (01:53:25):
Yeah, maybe maybe not exactly that right, Like the can
you rephrase that I don't like the way that sounded?
That is something that has to be learned. Oh yeah,
especially if you had very controlling, like coming down on
you style of parents, because you're not allowed to say, hey,
I don't like the way that sounded.

Speaker 1 (01:53:46):
You know.

Speaker 2 (01:53:46):
As a kid, if I'd have told my mom don't
yell at me, I'd gotten my ass beat over that,
Like how dare you talk to me like that? You
little shit? Disrespect you know what I mean? So that's
something that has to be learned over time.

Speaker 1 (01:53:57):
I don't know.

Speaker 2 (01:53:58):
I think there's a lot of life lessons that that
both of these people and this this email need.

Speaker 1 (01:54:02):
To Yeah, to get I agree.

Speaker 3 (01:54:05):
It might be that it's harder for you to understand
why deep feelings of emotions because you're so used to
just pushing yours down. You're a master at it, I'm not.
That's another one of those sentences that that got under
my skin.

Speaker 1 (01:54:18):
It was a job. Yeah, that's absolutely a job.

Speaker 3 (01:54:20):
Known him for four months, he's avoidant detached, So I
don't believe that he has gone in depth in his
childhood and sharing his traumas and all those kinds of things.

Speaker 2 (01:54:30):
That's her assessment of him being avoided attached.

Speaker 3 (01:54:33):
Okayes it is so if she means that with her
full chest, you can't tell me he's a master at
bottling up his feelings.

Speaker 1 (01:54:40):
He might be venting to his.

Speaker 2 (01:54:41):
Friends, right, or just not experiencing them. Yeah, you have
to care about somebody to be wrapped up in their emotions.
You meet somebody that's unhinged and you don't know them,
you're not gonna give your energy.

Speaker 1 (01:54:56):
To that, right.

Speaker 2 (01:54:58):
Somebody in the chat said they've been together for four months,
moved in out of necessity or convenience, and now she's
trying to sculpt him into the man that she wants
him to be. It's a really good fucking point.

Speaker 1 (01:55:10):
It is continuing.

Speaker 3 (01:55:12):
Yep, my emotions overwhelming sometimes and I'm learning how to
control it.

Speaker 1 (01:55:17):
Whether you see it or not.

Speaker 3 (01:55:18):
Yours are overwhelming you too, and they're starting to come
out as anger. Now we're both tangled up in these
overwhelming moments.

Speaker 2 (01:55:25):
So she can be emotional and he can't. She can
only be emotional on the way that she deems acceptable
because anger is an emotion.

Speaker 1 (01:55:33):
Yes it is.

Speaker 2 (01:55:35):
So he needs to respond or react to the situation
in a way that she agrees with. Otherwise it's not acceptable.

Speaker 1 (01:55:42):
It is how that came across because I cry all
the time. I don't let it get out of control.

Speaker 3 (01:55:52):
We will sit there and have a hard conversation and
my eyes will weep, but I'm not that's not happening, right,
I'm not screaming, I'm not yelling.

Speaker 1 (01:56:01):
I'm not gasping for air.

Speaker 3 (01:56:04):
If it gets to that point with you guys, and
he just has to accept that that happens, if it
takes him a point to get angry. Right, you guys
have had been having conversations for forty five minutes, and
now he's becoming mad the same way you get worked
up and become upset. Anger is men crying.

Speaker 2 (01:56:22):
First time I heard that that anger is the way
that men cry, it blew my fucking mind. I never
equated the two, and it totally makes sense on that
forty five minute conversation thing, though, I'd be more upset
that we're still having a conversation forty five minutes.

Speaker 1 (01:56:34):
Later and it hasn't been resolved.

Speaker 2 (01:56:35):
Oh god, No, If we're having a conversation forty five minutes,
a deep conversation for forty five minutes, that means neither
one of us did the work necessary to have the
conversation about what really needed to be had. We are
unpacking all of the shit to get to the root
of what needs to be discussed, and we're doing so
in conflict versus doing the work on ourself to go
follow the strings back to the one thing that is
actually the problem and go, hey, this is a thing.

(01:56:58):
We're gonna have a quick discussion five ten minutes and
go on about our lives.

Speaker 3 (01:57:01):
There are times where it may take forty five minutes,
but there was a twenty five minute break in that. Yeah, Like,
there has never been an hour conversation where we haven't
come to a resolutionist something.

Speaker 1 (01:57:12):
Nope, it takes us maybe ten or fifteen minutes.

Speaker 3 (01:57:14):
Now, if we have a really hard time trying to
figure out what to say because we're both stupid and emotional,
maybe like thirty minutes.

Speaker 1 (01:57:21):
But then again, there's a break in the center of that.

Speaker 3 (01:57:25):
I will never forget that time when you were in
the bathroom and I walked in there and we were
having a spat and I looked at you and I
was like, you're.

Speaker 1 (01:57:31):
Going through this and I'm going through this. We're going
through the same fucking thing.

Speaker 3 (01:57:34):
Right now, we're angry at each other about it, and
you were like, holy shit. Ever since then, we have
not had long, drawn out conversations or even getting upset
with each other.

Speaker 2 (01:57:44):
Right, Yeah, Ano, they're quick, Peach. Do you ever feel
like you have a knot in your throat when crying
in those situations? Is that when you say you need
to pause. I have trouble navigating those situations.

Speaker 3 (01:57:56):
If I can't speak, I need a minute. But it
needs to be clearly to find that this is not
the end of the conversation. I just need to compose myself.
So this is the end portion of what she said
to him, and then she's going to continue speaking to us.

Speaker 1 (01:58:07):
Okay.

Speaker 3 (01:58:08):
I want to give you everything, all of my heart,
all of my intentions, all of my attention. I want
to be able to have uncomfortable conversations with you. I
want to be there for you and with you on
the good days and the bad days, the busy days
and the boring days.

Speaker 1 (01:58:24):
If four months into a relationship, I would.

Speaker 3 (01:58:28):
Personally feel uncomfortable with four months into a relationship somebody
told me that they wanted to give me all of
their heart. That's too much for me, Like, there's more
that I need from you before.

Speaker 1 (01:58:37):
We get to that step.

Speaker 3 (01:58:39):
That feels like without the perspective of having borderline, the
obsession that happens, a favorite person that happens, the.

Speaker 1 (01:58:49):
Wanting to meld with.

Speaker 3 (01:58:50):
Somebody, without that knowledge, I would view this as you're doing.

Speaker 1 (01:58:55):
Too much, too quick, right, slow down? So okay.

Speaker 3 (01:58:59):
So the way that I would have phrased this, we're
at the four month mark, we're trying to figure things out.
I would have said, I know that we're having rocky
times right now. You are somebody that I believe is
worth putting my energy into, even though we argue, even
though I'm emotional. I want things to be better because

(01:59:21):
I want to be with you. I want to build
intentions with you. I'm starting to imagine a life that
if you're not in it, it might fuck me up
a little bit. To give you all of my attention,
I would say, I want you to feel love like
nobody's ever loved you before. I want to spend all

(01:59:43):
of my free time with you, and when I'm not
with you, I want you to know that I'm thinking
about you. I think the wording of things matter absolutely.
I'm scared too. Losing someone you love sucks. But if
we keep going like this, we're going to anyway, and
I'm not losing by not trying. If I'm not gonna try,

(02:00:05):
then there's no way of even winning. I need a
teammate to pass the ball to. Sometimes we don't need
a referee. We're adults.

Speaker 1 (02:00:12):
You do need referees.

Speaker 3 (02:00:13):
I agree one hundred percent. That was another one of
those sentences, But I was like, that's slightly toxic. Yeah,
when when I hear that we don't need referees, we
don't need supervision, I understand handling things like adults, right,
If you are to this level of disagreement, and every
conversations and argument, you guys aren't talking about the things

(02:00:34):
that fill your cups anymore. Every day there's a new problem. Yeah,
you need a referee. You need somebody else to come
in and try to take care of this pool, because
right now, you guys.

Speaker 1 (02:00:49):
Are just a swamp.

Speaker 2 (02:00:50):
People didn't need referees, there'd be no therapist, there'll be
no coumples counseling, there'll be no coaching, there be no
to be able to podcast right right, people need help.

Speaker 1 (02:00:57):
There'd be no mentorship.

Speaker 2 (02:00:58):
Right if we just knew how to fucking do everything,
there'd be no nothing. Yeah, we need referees, We need coaches,
We need people that have experienced the life that we
haven't experience, just to give us a wind us up
and aim us in the right direction and at least
hope for the best.

Speaker 3 (02:01:14):
Someone in the chat said she wrote in for a referee,
So yeah, that is what this is. Oh, we shouldn't
need a referee, as what she said, But we don't
need We shouldn't need a referee.

Speaker 1 (02:01:24):
We're adults.

Speaker 3 (02:01:25):
With the abuse that I've experienced and the manipulation that
I have gone through.

Speaker 1 (02:01:30):
If somebody told me we shouldn't need a referee, knowing
that there.

Speaker 3 (02:01:36):
Is issues like that happening that would increase my level off.
I'm not safe in this relationship right right If a
man said that to a woman and he is explosive,
can't handle his emotions, can't de escalate himself, all of
these things are going on, and then he tells his woman, well,
we shouldn't need a referee. We can do this on

(02:01:58):
our own.

Speaker 1 (02:01:58):
We can't. You scare me.

Speaker 2 (02:02:01):
Harley said he would be labeled his abuse of controlling, unsafe, manipulative,
narcissists would be thrown in there for.

Speaker 3 (02:02:07):
Sure, continuing, we need to be handling this like adults,
not throwing temper tantrums and crying about everything.

Speaker 2 (02:02:14):
We have says a lot from somebody who fucking cries
about everything. Yeah, we need to handle like this like
adults and not cry about everything. Yeah, she has stated
that she cries about fucking everything.

Speaker 3 (02:02:27):
Will come up crying, continuing Chris and peaches, Am I
being too emotional? Am I being too much?

Speaker 1 (02:02:34):
Okay?

Speaker 3 (02:02:34):
I want to pause and say this here. Yes, I
do believe you're being too emotional. I believe that your
borderline kicked in. You latched onto this person. Maybe it
was to feel good hormones. He was giving you attention.
There is so much lacking in this. He hasn't seen
you naked. Women are a piece of fucking art and
they get Gothda like it. If the man you're with

(02:02:57):
isn't appreciate you, like you're a piece of art, that's
not your man like that right there, Just hearing that
you've been together for four months, having sex, being intimate,
he's never seen you naked. I don't need to hear
anything else about the relationship. Even if there was a
discomfort there on his end, like he's never had sex
before and he's uncomfortable in all those kinds of things.

(02:03:17):
We're gonna work on this together because I want to
be appreciated.

Speaker 2 (02:03:21):
He's still trying to look Yeah. Yeah, even if he's
never gotten laid before, especially if he's never gotten paid before.

Speaker 1 (02:03:27):
I think that, yes, you have made progress.

Speaker 3 (02:03:30):
You have demonstrated in your email that you are capable
of wording yourself in a way that is not attacking
to him. I do also believe that you have demonstrated
how you contribute to a lot of the issues happening
in the relationship.

Speaker 1 (02:03:44):
In this email.

Speaker 3 (02:03:46):
So there are still a lot of things that need
to be sifted through within yourself, and I believe that
you need a lot of time before you even think
about if this relationship ends right, if this relationships you
need a lot of time to yourself. I wouldn't say
in this relationship, I would move on. You want to

(02:04:06):
stay in this relationship and try and figure this out.
You need to back the fuck off let him know, like, hey,
we are in a lot of tension right now. I'm
gonna be honest, I don't even know if they are
truly boyfriend and girlfriend. There was never a conversation had there.
He is totally disengaged, like he's not. So I would
have a conversation of where are we at right now?

(02:04:27):
Like where do you want to be with me right
now in this moment? And you have to be prepared
for any answer. I'm frustrated, I don't know how to
move forward, and I'm tired of talking to you. I
don't want to deal with you anymore. When I got
told that, it was a slap to the face. And
I want to thank that man, thank you for showing
me the reality of what it was like to be

(02:04:49):
with me in that moment, And I think that a
person who works on themselves and nobody's perfect.

Speaker 1 (02:05:00):
Cause issues in our marriage.

Speaker 3 (02:05:01):
Sometimes, husband cause issues in the marriage sometimes, but it
is never done from a place of oh, well he's
gonna learn now, right, or vindictiveness or pettiness or any
of those kinds of things.

Speaker 2 (02:05:13):
That whole living for punishment shit is wild to me.
So are we done with the email?

Speaker 1 (02:05:17):
Nope?

Speaker 3 (02:05:18):
Uh, continuing, I've asked many times if he actually wants
to be with me. He says yes, but he does
say it in a snappy tone like he's annoyed. I've
asked many times if he actually wants to be with me?

Speaker 1 (02:05:31):
This shit's annoying, right like?

Speaker 3 (02:05:33):
Asking that many times? Sometimes I need reassurance, Baby? Do
I still make you happy? Are you still madly in
love with me? It's not a daily thing. No, I
don't have to ask you thinking about leaving me. I
know I got you.

Speaker 1 (02:05:47):
More ways than.

Speaker 2 (02:05:48):
One asking, you know, asking for reassurance about I view
that as a check in I do too, you know,
do I still make you happy?

Speaker 1 (02:05:58):
Right like?

Speaker 2 (02:05:58):
That's a check in question. Doing everything I need to
be doing as your wife to make sure that our
marriage is fulfilled. Asking are you going to leave me
is a very different question. Yes, I'm curious how much
of this relationship is still there out of necessity.

Speaker 1 (02:06:13):
For him or her for.

Speaker 2 (02:06:14):
Him because if they moved in together because they both
had a hard time paying their bills and this is
how they're surviving right now, he's tolerating this shit, Yeah,
to get to the next level of where he needs
to go.

Speaker 1 (02:06:26):
Right.

Speaker 3 (02:06:27):
Has it been multiple times you've asked it since the
beginning of the relationship, or have you asked this multiple
times since the issues have started in your relationship?

Speaker 1 (02:06:36):
Yeah?

Speaker 3 (02:06:36):
A lot of insecurity, right, because if things started getting
rocky between us, I would ask you once do you
still want to be with me? If we were in
a rocky place and I had to add, if I
felt the need to ask you, do you still want
to be with me? One that shows me that our
relationship is fucked up, because I already know that we're together,

(02:06:56):
Like that's it. But I'm only asking you once you
tell me yes, I still want to be with you.
I'm not asking you again because now we just have
to figure out going forward what we can do to
repair this. You gave me the answer, you know, how
many times I've looked at the children and said, my
answer is not going to change.

Speaker 1 (02:07:12):
Don't ask me again.

Speaker 3 (02:07:14):
I'm starting to feel frustration with myself now because I too,
am tired of having to speak on it. I'm tired
of being yelled at. I can't stand this tension that's
constantly between us. It stings knowing that the person you're
trying to create a life with is always annoyed with you. Okay,
so when you guys got together, there was no intention
of building a life together. When you moved in together,

(02:07:36):
there was no intention of building a life together. You
said it was out a convenience, right, So when did
that intention change and was there a conversation about this
or were you just assuming that that's the next progression
because you guys went on a date or dated a
few dates, decided to move in, and you're like, oh, well, yeah,
the next thing is, of course we're going to be together.

(02:07:56):
We're already living together, continuing what's my next step. It's
hard for me to just give up, and that's only
going to feed even further into his sphere of abandonment.
But at the same time, this whole lack of accountability
lack of respect and lack of even understanding is killing
the relationship we've built. I know this email has been

(02:08:18):
super long. I know you guys will have a good book.
I hope you too have some good advice for the
both of us. Ways I can convey more directly about
my emotions and not so often, and ways he can
show up for me where he doesn't feel annoyed. Thank
you for your time, and most importantly, thank you for
what you're doing for people like us. I appreciate you
your work, your community, and the podcast that has saved
some of our lives from our own minds.

Speaker 2 (02:08:40):
You need a lot of emotional regulation. Yes, you need
to learn to like self soothe. All of this getting
unhinged and being overly emotional and all that shit is
not serving you in life.

Speaker 3 (02:08:51):
And stop the what iffing. Yeah, I don't have advice
for him. All we hear is that he's angry. But
then there was that instance where you walked in and
he was sleeping. He woke up and he became angry
as the conversation continued. So I don't know what it
looks like when he tries to soothe you. There was
no example given even when the things were good in

(02:09:12):
the relationship. There was no example given. I can say,
have more grace, maybe be patient with her, do implement
the we don't yell at each other. Yeah, that came
across as attacking. Would you mind rephrasing that. I do
think that those are all good, healthy things to implement
in a relationship, But if he doesn't want to do it,

(02:09:33):
there's nothing you can do.

Speaker 1 (02:09:34):
To make him do it.

Speaker 2 (02:09:35):
Well, those are all things that should be implemented in
a relationship period. I'm not comfortable speaking on the things
that he needs to change because we have no idea
what he's doing or what he's going through. This is
all her email. There was a comment left that we
can touch on real quick, and then I think we
should wrap up, take a break, eat lunch, and then
come back into the Q and A.

Speaker 3 (02:09:53):
Before you jump into that comment, I want to touch
on this before I forget. In my last marriage, I
was already on a healing path. It was nowhere where
I am now. I was young, eighteen year old me,
and I knew going into that relationship that he was
explosive and a yeller and all of those kinds of things.

(02:10:16):
And I was able to maintain myself for a limited
amount of time. And then it got to a point
where I was like, bitch, you're going to be explosive.
I'm not just going to see her and take it
anymore right. And now I'm yelling back, and now I'm
slamming doors and I'm getting out of the car in
the middle of an intersection. Being a traumatized person while unhinged,
is going to traumatize other people. And if he does

(02:10:38):
have this fear of abandonment and all of these fucked
up childhood things and you're acting the way you're acting
and he's not regulated, how do you expect him to
get through his own things to be able to help you.

Speaker 2 (02:10:49):
It's crazy how we accept things as normal. Yeah, you
live with a situation that becomes your this is what
reality looks like. Yeah, and you believe that everybody's living
like that because it's the life that you're living, and
this is the perception is reality. So there was a
comment left on the Patreon video that was posted to
YouTube to be shared to Patreon. I wish we could
have done a call on this. This was my email

(02:11:09):
and there's definitely explanations not excuses in parentheses for the
job related portion. I was interviewing for jobs but never
getting the jobs because my work history was inconsistent the
consequences of my non working life and shitty lifestyle from
before that I've actively been trying to tackle. So this

(02:11:30):
is still choices that you've made. You are paying for
your sins, so to speak.

Speaker 1 (02:11:34):
That you're collecting the crops that you planted.

Speaker 2 (02:11:36):
Right, you're sewing what you read, reading what you sew.

Speaker 1 (02:11:39):
Yes.

Speaker 2 (02:11:41):
Then she went on to say things have changed now.
The entire situation led me to seeking asylum and a
domestic violent shelter. I'm now found my way and I'm
now self sufficient. It's been a whirldwind of events since
this email. I would love a follow up if things
got violent, like, I would like to know what changed
in your life and how you ended up in a

(02:12:02):
woman's shelter. Like there's a whole lot of you know,
what's wild.

Speaker 1 (02:12:06):
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to cut you off. It's
a whole lot of it's gone. I'm sorry, I don't care.
Go ahead, it's wild. Like. So that was sent in
June of this year. It's been one month.

Speaker 3 (02:12:16):
It's been one month. She's out of the shelter, she's
self sufficient, all of those kinds of things. You could
have gone to the women's shelter the first time, right,
not domestic violence, but you could have gone somewhere instead
of moving in with this guy, and instead of going
through that four months of bullshit, could have been on

(02:12:38):
your feet in a month the way you did this time.

Speaker 1 (02:12:40):
That's crazy. I mean, I'm glad that you got out
of it.

Speaker 3 (02:12:44):
I'm glad that you're not in that such a I'm
glad you're not tolerating that because fuck that. If he
truly is through and through an asshole and didn't want
to change and he was everything you described him to be,
I'm glad you're out of that situation. Stay out of
relationships for a little bit.

Speaker 2 (02:13:00):
Yeah, give yourself some time. Yeah, change what you're attracted
to and like what you're looking for in a partner
because you have a shitty choice in men.

Speaker 1 (02:13:09):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (02:13:11):
If this was a one time relationship, I wouldn't say that,
but it's obviously been a consistent thing in your life.
With that being said, guys, remember you were the author
of your own life. So grab a pen and we
will see you on the next one.

Speaker 1 (02:13:23):
Bye. Guys,

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A 3 part email - Pt. 2 S3 Ep41

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.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}A 3 part email - Pt. 2 S3 Ep41