Bad relationships pt 2 - and some of my book. - 2 Be Better

Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Look up, we come all the things on the bottom.
O wows you you're my favorite view.

Speaker 2 (00:17):
But that's not and we are back.

Speaker 3 (00:24):
Welcome back, Beautiful Bitches season.

Speaker 2 (00:28):
Oh wait, this is Friday content again. Yes, this is
this is November Friday content. We are into November.

Speaker 3 (00:33):
Now I thought we were still in Nope.

Speaker 2 (00:36):
Yesterday was the Halloween episode. Remember, so this puts us
into November.

Speaker 3 (00:39):
Wow.

Speaker 2 (00:40):
Today's today's date is August fourth. For those of you
who are watching, we have done episodes every day this week.

Speaker 3 (00:45):
At what point are we too far ahead?

Speaker 2 (00:47):
I'm ready to take some time off. Yeah, not gonna
lie like I I know that we need to do
live streams on Wednesdays for the next couple of weeks.
We have two weeks until the North Carolina Retreat. I
think we I think we take the week off either
before or after or both. Okay, I don't know yet. Well,
really depend depends on how we feel going into the
retreat and how much it takes out of us as

(01:10):
to whether it's both. But we are we are so
far ahead right now. We could technically take a full
month of downtime and not have to do shit, but
I would rather travel and do that. Versus just not work,
you know what I mean. I think we would get
very bored, very fast, and when you're doing absolutely nothing.
So I labeled your episode yesterday Bad Relationships. Oh that's good,
So this is yeah, I thought so. I figured it

(01:32):
was better than calling it cheating because it got so
much more in depth than that. Yeah, so this is
Bad Relationships Part two. Okay, you want to preface anything
before we jump in, or you just want to go.

Speaker 3 (01:45):
I can preface a little bit. So this next section
that we're getting into a little reminder since it's been
a week, we are going to delve into some of
what I believe are reasonable expectations within a relationship, and
depending on how long this takes us, I also have
a bullet point list that I think are some of

(02:06):
the most common phrases that people will use to manipulate
in conversation to get what they want out of it.
So kind of like an outline of red bells to
listen for.

Speaker 2 (02:17):
So you're trying to piss me off, No, that's what
we're going for. We're going to just see how aggravated
Chris can get while we're recording. No, I mean, because
that manipulation she gets to me.

Speaker 3 (02:26):
I know, I know it does. It gets to a
lot of people, and I think a lot of people
don't recognize it's happening in the moment because that primal
oh I'm being rejected by somebody right now kicks in
and they have to mend the situation.

Speaker 2 (02:40):
Yeah.

Speaker 3 (02:41):
So these are some reasonable expectations that I believe should
always be implemented in a relationship on both parties, And
the first one is mutual respects. A scenario is you're
at a family gathering and your partner cracks a joke
about your cooking in front of everyone. They laugh, but
you feel human aliated. Later you tell them that really

(03:02):
embarrassed me, and they roll their eyes and say, oh
my god, lighten up, you're so sensitive. Respect means that
your feelings matter, even if they don't fully understand them.
A healthy response would be I didn't realize that hurts you.
I'll be more mindful next time. I don't believe that
is an unrealistic expectation in a relationship to have that

(03:24):
we're not going to talk. First off, we're not going
to talk to each other that way. You're also not
going to use me or our love or our relationship
as the butt of a joke to make the people
around us laugh.

Speaker 2 (03:35):
Yeah, that the first part of that. I've been guilty
of that, not trying to make other people laugh, but
just trying to bust your balls because we've had moments
where we've been playful like that. You don't know how
somebody is going to take a joke, and that's one
of those things that the first time that happens, that's
the cue that this is not the time to be
a ball buster. Maybe they embarrass easily, whatever the case

(03:57):
may be. So you're right in the way that you
laid that out there. That first time that it's going
to happen, though, is the time to correct the behavior. Yeah.
I have the conversation I embarrassed easily. That made me
feel like shit, please don't do that again. Yeah, and that,
oh my god, lighting up. That's one of those dismissive
things like it doesn't matter if you disagree with the

(04:17):
fact that it made them feel that way. The reality
is they do feel that way. There needs to be
actual change that happens from that standpoint.

Speaker 3 (04:26):
Next truth and honesty, you notice that they started guarding
their phone like it's sport. Knox turning it upside down,
taking it to the bathroom acting weird. If you walk
by while they're texting, when you ask is everything okay,
they snap, why don't you trust me? Or something along
those lines. Honesty would sound like I have been talking
to an old friend. It wasn't anything romantic, but I

(04:48):
should have told you I'm sorry for making you feel insecure.
Trust thrive on transparency, not secrecy. The first part of that.
If I ask a question and it's genuinely I am
intrigued in what's going on in your life right now?
You've been aggressively texting for the last twenty minutes. What's
going on? Fill me in whatever, and it's met with defensiveness,

(05:13):
I'm instantly gonna be put on edge.

Speaker 2 (05:15):
You asked me all the time who I'm talking to?

Speaker 3 (05:17):
You're on your phone all the time.

Speaker 2 (05:18):
I am a lot, a lot, a lot. Sometimes it's midnight, yeah,
and I'm going back and forth with Sean nine times
out of ten. If it's after like six o'clock, it's
discard Sean. But the idea of getting you know, nasty
about that is stupid. Even in the even if you're
in the middle of a thought and you're aggressively texting
hang on a second talking to Sean, right, like, right, yeah,

(05:43):
that's that. Why don't you trust me or the snap
or mind your business whatever? All of that is a
guilt thing. It's guilt. You know you're doing something you
should be doing, or the person is just so fucking
needy and wondering, you know all the time you're doing
like there needs to be some sort of ebb and
flow there. M Yeah. If you ask me every single

(06:06):
time I picked my phone up, what are you doing?
I'd be like, seriously, yeah, you know that every single
time I touch my phone? Can I have like every
third time I touch my phone? Because I touch this
bitch a lot, right, I want to touch on the
phone upside down thing? Okay, I put my phone upside
down all the time. It has nothing to do with
secrecy or privacy. I just don't want to see my
phone going off. And at one point I had my

(06:27):
phone upside down and my flash on, so I would
always know if my my phone rang and that flash
shits off, because it would blind the fuck out of me.
But that's not that's really not a privacy thing. It's
a I don't want to be bothered right now thing,
and if my watch goes off, I'll know what it is.
I don't need to see my phone lighting up. It's
it's too much.

Speaker 3 (06:45):
I put that in there because if it's a sudden
behavior change, like if they usually leave their phone up
and then suddenly they're making sure it's down, or if
they have it up and then they get up and
walk away and put it face down.

Speaker 2 (06:56):
Yeah, yeah, that's that is definitely something different, Jessica in
the chat. Speaking of which, guys, if you are unaware,
we record all of this live in front of our
Patreon community. Every episode we do gets live. They also
get private live streams, they get Q and a's, they
get hangout sessions, they get early release content, they get giveaways,
they get all kinds of really dope shit. We have
women's groups, men's groups, we have we have a really

(07:17):
cool fucking community. So if you have not checked out
our Patreon yet, Patreon dot com, forward slash year, you
better highly recommend that you check that out. Jessica, who's
one of our patrons, said, what if they charge their
phone in the bathroom during nights because they don't like
phones next to their head? Lol? Is that weird. Do
you think that's weird?

Speaker 3 (07:33):
No, I don't think that's weird.

Speaker 2 (07:34):
Why don't you think that we're about to get in
some crazy talk. Why don't you think that's weird?

Speaker 3 (07:38):
Because all electronics emanate, emanate, emit, emit, emf radiation, heat,
all of those kinds of things, and as beings with
electrical systems inside of us, sleeping with something that close,

(08:00):
I mean it's in our faces all day anyway.

Speaker 2 (08:02):
It does disrupt our sleep patterns of those Yeah, and
the light from the phone is something else. And if
you in yours, a lot of people actually have a
thing in their sleep where they touch their phones. It's
so habitual that they fuck with their phone while they're sleeping.
That's the thing I would I if I thought we
could get a breaker in our bedroom, that I could
just flip the breaker off and turn off all the
power to our room and shut the door, I would

(08:24):
I worry about the AC and like all of that shit,
you sleep with a fan on. I don't think that's
really a possibility, But I'm like eighty five percent on
the fence of buying one of those blankets that disrupt
all of that shit we sleep on grounding sheets, But
I have hats and beanies that block off all that
shit because we're taking a whole lot of radiation and

(08:45):
shit to our penal glands with our phones being that
close to our face, Like it sucks up our connection
to the divine. Like, I don't think that shit's crazy
at all. I think that you guys might think that
all the shit I just said is crazy, But I
don't think it's crazy either, because I know all the
shit exists. You can track it right, It's not like
it's a made up data thing, Like you can get
an EMF detector and detect all of that shit. So

(09:07):
I think dude's sleeping with the phone in his bathroom
is dope. I think the next thing would be to
get rid of all of the electronics in your bedroom.
Get you know, we have a Wi Fi puck in
our bedroom, and that's probably not good for us either,
because that's just even more five G or whatever.

Speaker 3 (09:20):
Our WiFi is open communication. You say, I feel lonely
when you work late and you don't check in or
don't check in. I feel lonely when you work late
and don't check in and instead of listening, they fire back. Well,
I'm doing it for us. You should be grateful. You
may feel shut down or invisible. A healthier version of
this may look like I didn't realize you felt that way.

(09:41):
Let's figure out a way to stay connected even when
I'm working late. You have any thoughts on that.

Speaker 2 (09:46):
I do. I feel lonely when you work late and
don't check in. It started off as a an eye
statement and turned into kind of an attack. Yeah, I
feel lonely when you work late, and it would make
me feel a lot more at EA if you checked in,
I would feel a greater connection to you. I wouldn't
have to worry so much if you checked in. I

(10:07):
think that the statement there matters. I definitely don't like
while I'm doing this for us. You should be grateful
because that really is a whole ass fucking attack when
somebody's tried to make an eye statement, and that speaks
to grace right, Like I can tell if you're trying
to make an eye statement, it doesn't work out that way.
If you start with I feel like, Okay, she tried.

(10:29):
This is not an intentional attack. Yeah, sometimes frustrations take
the best of us. It happens to all of us.
And then they know why I didn't mean that right. Yeah,
the bottom part of the healthy commas communication looks like
that would have been that's the correct answer from the
other person's part.

Speaker 3 (10:45):
Yeah. Number four emotional support. You can come home after
the worst day at work, your boss chued you out
and you're on the verge of tears. When you open up,
your partner says you're overreacting. It's just work instead of comfort.
You feel dismissed and alone in your own home. Support
sounds like, I'm sorry today was so rough. Do you

(11:05):
want to vent or cuddle and relax for a while.

Speaker 2 (11:08):
From a man's perspective, having that bad day and being
dismissed will be the last time you get to hear
about my bad day. Yeah, it literally takes one one
time for that to never happen again. The reality is
most men are taught already not to be vulnerable and

(11:30):
not to express their hurts and their sorrows because they don't.
People don't care. As long as we're providing and doing
what we're supposed to be doing as a men, our
emotional men like our emotional and mental health does not
fucking matter to the world. It just it doesn't And
there might be women out there who are like my
man's mental health. Emotional health absolutely matters. Well if your
response to that is just work, suck it up, or

(11:51):
you're overreacting, Yeah, you're not one of those women. You're
a see you next Tuesday. And you just destroyed your man.
Like you guys want empathy and compassion and want us
to validate. Well, that's not a validating statement, Like you
just made it so that we have no safe place
to go. So what's going to happen now is we're
going to find somebody else to talk to you that values,
you know, are fucking sorrows. And now what Now we're

(12:13):
emotional cheating because we want somewhere other than our partner.

Speaker 3 (12:16):
That ties right into the first part reading those anecdotes
from the last episode, Yes it does, Peaches, I am
getting married in thirty four days. What is your biggest advice?
Not like the same stuff everyone always says? Also, love
the dress? Thank you? Do you want some real advice?
So there are times where I am This is not frequent,

(12:39):
but there are times where my husband absolutely frustrates me
and I want to take time to decompress and take space, recoup,
get myself back together not be a shitty human being.
And every time that happens, every time there is a
moment where fresh may happen in the relationship, it's like

(13:03):
the universe presents an opportunity for me to go Okay,
Now you get to choose to either love your husband
or make his life harder. So I'm trying to think
of an example. They were so long ago. I'm gonna
make one up. So we had a recent thing. My
husband helps me with everything in my garden. I don't
climb ladders, I don't use hammers. I am a hazard.

(13:29):
When Osha says that things can't be on premises due
to casualties, I'm one of those things. So my husband
handles all of that. And on the top of my garden,
we have the V shaped roof and I needed more shade.
So husband bought this very long black thing, and he
walked out of the house by himself, carrying the thing.

(13:50):
I ended up I was watching How Women Kill or
Why Women Kill something like that. I go into the kitchen.
I didn't know what he was doing. I just knew
that he picked up things and went outside. He's been
doing a lot of work in the man cave, so't
I didn't know. I was going to check up on
him the way that I do as a wife. And
I came into the kitchen, I looked out the window,
and I saw that he was out there on a

(14:10):
ladder trying to get the thing on top of the
roof to spread it out. Now, say in that moment
I was frustrated with my husband, right, I have a
choice to make. I can walk away, grab my food,
get my drink, go get comfy on the couch again,
and do my decompression time, enjoy my show whatever he

(14:33):
didn't ask me for my help, right, Or I can
look past the emotions I'm having in the moment and
recognize that my husband is outside doing something for me,
and I am going to go out there and help
and make his life easier. So, in those moments when
you don't want to do something, really take a moment

(14:55):
and ask yourself if the emotion that you're feeling is
worth missing an opportunity of connection and bonding or expressing gratitude.

Speaker 2 (15:03):
Do you want to hear what we just did out there? Yes,
your deck right now is ten foot wide by eight
foot out. When he's done, it'll be twenty two foot
wide by eight foot out. Okay, so we're going more
than double what we originally planned, and that puts us
at the edge of the downspout to about four inches
away from the plumbing on the outside of that wall. Okay,
and we're that And the price he gave me includes

(15:27):
multiple sunshades. It includes the lights and the metal wiring
that goes around for the lights to hang off of. Yay.

Speaker 3 (15:36):
Oh I'm so excited.

Speaker 2 (15:38):
Yep. Okay, where were we? Did we do emotional support? Yes?

Speaker 3 (15:42):
Yes, all right. Next one is physical and emotional safety.
During an argument, they punched the wall next to your head,
not you, but close enough that you felt your heart race,
or maybe they don't hit, but their words cut like
a knife, or nothing without me. Safety means no threat
and no fear. A healthy partner may get frustrated, but

(16:03):
never uses intimidation or violence period.

Speaker 2 (16:06):
That's an instant leave.

Speaker 3 (16:08):
Yes, so a reminder of what this list is. I
believe we're halfway through it at this point. These are
what I believe are some of the most realistic expectations
to have in a relationship, and if it is not
being provided, it is one of the things that I
would look towards do I want to live like this

(16:29):
for the rest of my life? And as we just discussed,
some of these are just a one and done. Yeah,
zero tolerance. Next is effort and fuck mean.

Speaker 2 (16:41):
Reciprocity. Reciprocity. I can say it without looking at it,
but when I look at the word, I can't do it.

Speaker 3 (16:46):
Okay, what it is?

Speaker 2 (16:46):
Reciprocity, reciprocity.

Speaker 3 (16:49):
You planned date nights, initiate deep talks, remember anniversaries, and
keep trying to spark romance. Meanwhile, they scroll through their
phone on the couch, saying, I'm just it's not that
kind of person. Over time, you feel more like roommates
than lovers. Effort is about both people rowing the same boat,
not one paddling while the other watches Netflix.

Speaker 2 (17:11):
They were that person, or you wouldn't be there right.
What they mean by I'm not that person is that
I don't care enough about you anymore or this relationship
to put in the effort because this is easier, and
this makes me more happier than doing shit with you.
That sucks, doesn't it, But that's how I hear that
me too. I really think that as people learn to
read between the lines, you can even call it assigning

(17:34):
your own meaning to what's being said. If that's how
it makes you feel, it's valid. Does it mean that
you're crazy. You don't have to react to the situation.
Just know or you know. If that's how you feel,
be like, all right, well I need more than that.
So I either need you to step up or when
we may have to reevaluate things, I need you to
be that person regardless of whether or not you are.
You want this relationship to last for the next sixty years,

(17:57):
and you want to grow old with me. I need
more out of this relationship.

Speaker 3 (18:00):
Mm hmm. Next one yep, Shared responsibilities. You're exhausted after work,
but the sink is full, laundry is piled high, and
the kids need help with homework. Your partner sits and
plays video games and says you're better at cleaning. Anyway,
that resentment brewing It is a red flag. Shared responsibility
means partnership. All handle the dishes while you help the kids.

(18:20):
We've got this together.

Speaker 2 (18:22):
Nothing to be said on that one.

Speaker 3 (18:24):
Yep, Time and attention. You're on a dinner date, hoping
to reconnect, but they can't look up from their phone.
You feel invisible. Wondering why you even came. Attention means presence.
A healthy partner puts the phone away and says, I've
been waiting to just enjoy you tonight.

Speaker 2 (18:41):
Comes down to having a partner that you enjoy. Okay,
So that situation really does come down to lived experience. Though.
If every time you guys have conversations, the conversations feel
monotonous where they feel like there's I need to be
on edge, I don't enjoy talking to anymore because of
what's happened over the last five years of our life.

(19:02):
That's where that comes from. Yeah, And in that situation
where you are feeling invisible and all that's going on,
you need to reflect and own your shit because at
some point you've had a hand in that. It may
not be your fault that they're doing that. It could
be purely habitual at this point, but at some point
the shift from us being engaged in like having dinner

(19:23):
and us mattering to each other has now fallen apart.

Speaker 1 (19:27):
Yep.

Speaker 3 (19:28):
Next, yep, personal space and individual growth. You tell your
partner you want to start a gym routine or take
a class and a snap, why do you need that?
Am I not enough for you you start feeling trapped,
like you have to choose between growth and peace. Healthy
love cheers for your individuality. Individuality, Oh my gosh, that's awesome.

(19:48):
What class are you taking. I am proud of you,
et cetera.

Speaker 2 (19:52):
Yeah, that that stems from insecurity. Yes, if she goes
and gets if she goes and gets hot, she's gonna
leave me.

Speaker 3 (19:59):
Right.

Speaker 2 (20:00):
I hear when people say shit like that, And I
also think that they believe that their women's not shit
right now, or that they're on the cusp of not
being super hot, and in the event that they gain
they lose weight, or they start getting tone, they're gonna
be viewed differently. Yeah.

Speaker 3 (20:14):
Yeah, healthy conflict resolution. This is a zero tolerance for
me to a disagreement turns into a shouting match where
old wounds are thrown like weapons. Three days later, you're
still giving each other the silent treatment. Healthy conflict means rules,
no yelling, no name calling, no leaving without saying when

(20:34):
you'll revisit. Example, I need twenty minutes to cool off,
but I promise we'll finish this conversation tonight.

Speaker 2 (20:41):
Yeah. I'm not about the shouting match.

Speaker 1 (20:43):
I am.

Speaker 3 (20:43):
I am willing to work on it. Right, If every
conversation or every disagreement is better than the one we
had before, there's improvement.

Speaker 2 (20:51):
Yeah.

Speaker 3 (20:52):
If there is zero effort and you want to continue
and I'm not saying you, my husband like you as
a person listening to this. If you are content and
throwing tantrums and yelling and screaming and slamming doors and
you're adrenaline going, we're not meant for each other, and
that is okay.

Speaker 2 (21:11):
Yeah, I think that the reality is is there's going
to be times in a relationships where things get to
that point because when it comes down to it, your partners,
the person you love are the ones that hurt you
the most, especially in long term relationships, because they know
how to push your buttons, right, and when you get
really angry, subconsciously you do shit to push buttons because

(21:31):
you're mad, right, That's where that cool off period needs
to happen before you get to the point of actually
getting angry. So when you feel yourself starting to get angry,
that's when you need to take that time to step
away for twenty minutes and not allow things getting to
the point of that. Yes, that's the end of your document, Okay, I.

Speaker 3 (21:49):
Feel like we need to do another video thing in
the desert.

Speaker 2 (21:52):
What do you mean, like another photo shoot or a video?

Speaker 3 (21:54):
Another video.

Speaker 2 (21:55):
Yeah, we'd have to go back out there and contact
that dude to do another one. Yep, I gotta lose
some weight before I go do any other photo shoots.
I've gained so much fucking weight.

Speaker 3 (22:04):
So do you want to take a break before we
jump into this. You want to take like ten minutes
talk with the chat or.

Speaker 2 (22:09):
No, let's just jump into it. We've already got a
whole bunch to cut out and we're only thirty minutes in.

Speaker 3 (22:13):
So okay. So these are some of the most common
manipulative phrases that people may use in conversation, like the
tools they are going to take out of their tool
belt to beat you in submission, to get what they
want out of what's going on. Context matters, the way
people are saying things matter. What you hear versus what
is said matters. So all of that has to be

(22:37):
taken into account. You can't just take these sentences and
go you're trying to abuse me or manipulate me right now.
We have to be critical fingers everybody. Okay, So I
have this broken down into a couple of different categories,
and the first one is guilt tripping. After everything I've
done for you, Wow, I guess I know where I
stand now. I wouldn't do that to you. You're so selfish.

(23:03):
If you really cared about me, you would.

Speaker 2 (23:05):
I don't think I wouldn't do that to you. Is
a guilt trip thing? Yeah, nope. I think that's a
very fair assessment of what's happening. And if your person
does something that you view is really fucked up and
you know you would never do that to them, I
think it's a good reminder to be like, you've really
just crossed the line that I didn't think you would cross.

Speaker 3 (23:20):
That's why I said context matters, Yeah, because I do
see how that can be used in a very manipulative way.

Speaker 2 (23:25):
Yeah.

Speaker 3 (23:26):
Next, yep, creating urgency or pressure for it to get done,
or for something to get done, for you to do
something for them, or whatever the case may be. I
need a decision now. You can't overthink it. Just say yes.
This may be the only chance you get. Everyone else

(23:46):
agrees with me. You'll regret it if you don't.

Speaker 2 (23:51):
So I disagree with the first one, but the rest
of those. I absolutely agree with the rest of those.
Some of those are even like like legitimate gaslighting. Yeah,
the first one I need an answer right now is
a situational thing.

Speaker 3 (24:01):
I agree.

Speaker 2 (24:02):
You know, there are times where we have to make
a decision in the next ten minutes, and if you
don't make it, I'm going to make the decision for
us kind of thing.

Speaker 3 (24:08):
Yeah, playing the victim, So I guess I'm always the
bad guy.

Speaker 2 (24:14):
Yep, yes you are. That's my answer to that.

Speaker 3 (24:16):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (24:17):
I do not tolerate that shit at all. That is Yeah,
one of the most that will make me fucking irate. Yeah,
and like dealing with another man that does that shit,
it makes me want to get violent, Like I will
go from cool, calm headed me to wanting to smash
her face with a brick over shit like that.

Speaker 3 (24:33):
Yeah. I so people who have watched you for you
know exactly what I'm talking about. Cassie in the last
season and her victim mentality. I had to stop watching it.
I would get so fucking mad about it. That's definitely
one of those things, like how you have it with men.
When I see it in women and they really play
it up, I need to leave the room. Because anything

(24:56):
out of my mouth is not gonna be nice. Yeah,
one nobody ever considers how I feel. I knew that
you would do this to Mayam. People are always taking
advantage of mayn and you never listen.

Speaker 2 (25:12):
There's definitely a lot of victim mentality in those. There
are definitely situational things where those are not manipulative statements
or victim victim mindset. But again that's one of those things.
It's context.

Speaker 3 (25:24):
Mm hm.

Speaker 2 (25:25):
You know if that's something that if those are go
tos like the one that you said that no one
ever cares about how I feel, Yeah, that that could
be somebody telling you the truth, Like that could be
how they view the world that nobody gives a shit
about what they're going through in the moment. But that's
one of those things too that if that is always
a statement, why hasn't there been a conversation of why
do you think that's the case. Yeah, some of these

(25:47):
things need to be probed when it comes up, and
then beyond that point then there needs to be some
sort of actualization of what they're doing. But I think
the first time you hear some of those, there needs
to be probing.

Speaker 3 (26:01):
Yeah, gaslighting or denial, That's not what happened. You're too sensitive,
you're overreacting. I never said that, You're you always twist things.
So as somebody with borderline. With somebody with borderline, we
have to say things like that's not what I said.

Speaker 2 (26:22):
That's not how it happened. Yeah, that is a very
regular conversation in our house.

Speaker 3 (26:26):
Yes, So, like I said, certain context is you really
have to pay attention to what is the situation surrounding
the person saying this. Are you somebody who tends to
overreact or take things personally? Are you somebody who twists things?
Do you hear what you hear versus hearing what they said?

Speaker 2 (26:45):
Everyone does that, that's your cognitive bias.

Speaker 3 (26:47):
Yeah. Self awareness is a really big thing. And I
go down my checklist of what am I doing in
this situation to take that personally before I start looking
at how is this person trying to manipulate me? Because
if I'm taking this the wrong way or I'm overreacting
and then I lash out, oh I'm gonna that fuck,

(27:10):
I don't want that karma.

Speaker 2 (27:11):
So for me, it's malicious intent. I have to ask
myself is she doing this to be malicious? And like
you can tell any heated argument if you're being mean
or not, Like, if you're really trying to have a conversation,
there's no malicious intent there, and that changes from my
feelings are hurt too, I need to lash back out
because I'm being attacked right So, like in a situation

(27:32):
where that's not how it happened or that's not what
was said, my cognitive bias reading the situation the way
that I'm reading the situation, mental illness or not. I
have to then go, is she doing this from a
place of malicious intent? Or am I just not understanding?
Or are we disagreeing right now? Like is this just
something that we need to work on? That malicious intent

(27:53):
changes everything? And if you think that your person is
doing things not a malicious intent, you have a much
bigger fucking problem in your relationship than just a miscommunication
or a misunderstanding of the events that's taken place.

Speaker 3 (28:03):
I agree, Uh this one. You can call it love bombing,
you can call it being overly flattery. This is giving
praise to try and get what they want in return.
You're the only one that I can count on. When
I was eighteen nineteen years old, Yeah, somebody made me
feel like the hero in their life, and I ate

(28:25):
that shit up because I felt like nothing in mine. Yeah.

Speaker 2 (28:29):
It also puts you in a position to tolerate a
lot more shit than you normally would.

Speaker 3 (28:32):
Yeah, and I did. That was the guy who got
into the car accident. Yeah, yeah, drunk. He was drunk
driving and got into a car accident. Wanted to clarify that.
So I tolerated a lot of shit that I thought
I should not have tolerated. I knew I could rely
on you. You're just so understanding. You're the only one
who gets me. I thought you were different from everyone else,

(28:53):
and I was right.

Speaker 2 (28:55):
What was the listen of that one called?

Speaker 3 (28:57):
Uh? So? That could be over flattery, using praise, love bombing,
trying to say positive things that gives worth to the
person they're talking to to keep pulling them in on
that rope.

Speaker 2 (29:09):
Yeah, that leads to a whole lot of other manipulation.
Yeah yep. Abby in the chat said I find it
hard to not feel guilty when things like that are
being said, and she also said, how can I get
past these statements? If we find manipulation and conflict difficult
to handle, have a really hard time reading words where
they capitalize every single word in That sends me too.
My brain stutters on that shit. Yeah, you get past

(29:30):
those statements by probing. It's like what you said a
minute ago. Why is nobody nobody ever takes in my
feelings in consideration. Well you just said ever, which made
this a definite, which is full of shit. Yes, but
why do you feel that way? And like you ask
the why multiple times? Why do you feel that way?
They tell you, Well, why they tell you again? Well,
why they tell you again? Okay, I understand, but why.

(29:52):
The more you get the why out of them, the
deeper the understanding of what things are going to get,
until they get to the point of I don't know, yes,
and the moment they go I don't know where they
can't provide examples. You've exhausted all of their thought process.
At this point, you know whether or not they actually
feel that way or if they're using that as a
cop out.

Speaker 3 (30:09):
Yes, yes, yes, next passive aggressive or backhanded comments, Oh
here we go, fine, do whatever you want. It must
be nice to not have to care. I hope you're happy.

Speaker 2 (30:24):
I hope you're happy.

Speaker 3 (30:24):
Now, I hope you're happyhamahamma ambition. What is it to
feed your so to grovel in submission and feed your
own ambition? Is that it?

Speaker 2 (30:39):
I think so? It sounds right. I'd have to pull
up the lyrics.

Speaker 3 (30:43):
Zach tell me, Zach, he's.

Speaker 2 (30:45):
Not in here.

Speaker 3 (30:46):
No, next is no, It's okay, you've already made your choice.
I was just joking, can't you take a joke?

Speaker 2 (30:55):
That's gas lighting? No, gas lighting is probably not the
word there. That is a deflection of consequences. Yes, I
thought it would be funny. It is a very different
statement than I was just joking you can't take a joke? Yes,
that's a problem for me. There's another one in here
that I was guilty of for a long time, and

(31:17):
that's I just won't do that anymore. And that wasn't
a what are we on right now?

Speaker 3 (31:24):
This is passive aggressive or backhanded?

Speaker 2 (31:26):
That wasn't passive aggressive or back handed, but it fits
into all of those statements. That was one of those
things where I didn't see what I was doing is wrong,
and instead of just trying to work through and understand,
I was just gonna quit doing all of it because
it's easier to just stop doing whatever it is than
to have another argument, because I don't understand. Being able
to go I don't understand why you're feeling this way,

(31:47):
or probing to get to the bottom of what's really
going on changes that shit so much. I haven't done
that too in a really long fucking time.

Speaker 3 (31:53):
Yeah, that in our cards. If that was still a thing,
that would have been the most frustrating thing about Yeah.

Speaker 2 (32:00):
Yeah, I believe it. I understand I I I get
that I can be frustrating. I my brain sucks ass
sometimes and I have a really hard time liking myself
in the moments, so I can see how that shit
is very obnoxious, frustrating, annoying, Like, I fucking get it.

(32:20):
I get under my own skin sometimes. Yeah, but it
comes down to not not having the tools in my
tool belt to get to the root of something. This is.
This is actually an intelligence thing. I am ignorant to
certain things, and because I'm ignorant to those things, I
don't understand. It frustrates me. Everyone is like that. But
not knowing that I can go why as many times

(32:41):
as I needed to, it changes things quite a bit.
You know, you're taught as a kid, don't ask questions.
It's because I fucking said, so, yes, ma'am, I won't
do that shit no more. Right. Yeah. The more I
understand my childhood trauma as well, the less likely I
am to feel guilty about doing those things. Because I'm

(33:02):
not a child anymore. I can why you ninety fucking times.
And if you get frustrated with me because I don't understand,
this is a you problem. It's not a me problem.
Me not understanding means that we are not communicating effectively.

Speaker 3 (33:13):
And this one is threats, either direct or indirect. You'll
be sorry if you don't do this. Don't expect me
to help you next time. I don't know what I'll
do if you say no. Maybe we shouldn't even be
friends if you can't support me.

Speaker 2 (33:29):
Yeah, the last one be like, you're right, I'm go
ahead to get all this over.

Speaker 3 (33:33):
With a wall, I said, I got nothing else so
we can touch on how I don't know. I'm brain dead.
I want to take a bath. I want to eat
talk about in the bath. Oh it's there, Okay, hang on.
I hope you're happy. I hope you're happy now. I
hope you're happy now that you've hurt your cause forever.

(33:53):
I hope you think you're clever. Yep, that's it.

Speaker 2 (33:57):
Your ambition one was right too, though, because there's another
part of the.

Speaker 3 (34:00):
Yeah is the song somewhere?

Speaker 2 (34:02):
Yeah? I don't know what else to talk about. We
are we well under an hour on this episode. We
have to find something else to do to continue to
get to make content for the next probably thirty minutes. Well,
people want book breakdowns, so maybe maybe we hold off
on that and let you dig through it and figure
out figure out, figure out where you want to go
with that, because that book had some pretty good information
in it. Okay, No, it's not my new book. I

(34:26):
could go get my book and we can read a
chapter out of it. That would be pretty dope. Okay,
And by we, I mean you could read and I
can just sit here and be pretty Okay. I'm gonna
go grab my.

Speaker 3 (34:34):
Book, all right. The weight of the past. Let's talk
about the thing most people carry around but barely let
go of the past. Not the highlight reel, not the
cute memories. I'm talking about the heavy stuff, the stuff
you bury so deep you don't even want to look
at it unless you're having a breakdown or drunk at
two am. That stuff, it builds up, and eventually it
starts to run your life. It shows up in your silence,

(34:56):
in your quick temper, in your slow in your life
so self worth and the way you push people away
before they can hurt you, and the way you chase
validation from everyone who offers it. Regret, guilt, shame. Those
are the ingredients in this cocktail, and most of us
drink it every damn day without realizing how toxic it
actually is. Maybe you stayed in a relationship way too long,

(35:18):
Maybe you walked way too early. Maybe you weren't a
good partner or a good parent, or a good version
of yourself. Whatever it is, it happened, and now you
live with it, and lets be real, some days that waste,
that weight feels unbearable. Here's the part that no one
wants to say out loud. You can't change it. It happened.
Here's the part that no one wants to say out loud.

(35:39):
You can't change it. And it happened. You were there,
You made the call or you didn't, and the outcome
was what it was. Wishing it when differently doesn't fix it.
Replaying it on loop in your head doesn't undo it.
All that does is anchor you to a version of
yourself that no longer exists. The problem isn't that you
made a mistake. The problem is that you're still living
with it. You've set up camp and your shame. You've

(36:02):
made your guilt part of your identity. You tell yourself
you deserve to feel like this because of what you
did or what you didn't do, And now you're dragging
that identity into every new chapter of your life, wondering
why nothing feels good anymore.

Speaker 2 (36:14):
Shame as a motherfucker.

Speaker 3 (36:16):
Let me hit you with some truth here. You are
not your past. Yes it shaped you, Yes it taught
you some things, but it doesn't get to define who
you are now or who you are becoming unless you
let it. And I get it. There's a comfort in
your pain. You know it, You're used to it. It's familiar,
it's predictable. Sometimes the pain is the only thing that
still feels real. But comfort can be a trap. Familiar

(36:38):
doesn't mean safe. Pain doesn't mean punishment. Just because you've
lived with this wait for a long time doesn't mean
you're supposed to carry it forever. So let's talk about
what to actually do with it. Step one, own it all,
of it.

Speaker 2 (36:52):
Somebody asked if the book will be available in the
u Kate will be. It'll actually I think it goes
live for pre order on Amazon on the eleventh, but
I might be wrong. You will be able to buy
it in the UK, though, And this is you are
not broken. This is my book.

Speaker 3 (37:06):
Don't sugarcoat it, don't rewrite it to make yourself look better.
Don't blame it on circumstances or other people. If you
screw up, say it. If you ghosted someone, say it.
If you broke someone's heart, ignored the red flags, or
ran away instead of stepping up, say it, write it down,
speak it out loud, look yourself in the mirror, and
stop pretending you don't know the truth. You can't heal

(37:29):
what you keep lying about. Step two, give yourself some
fucking grace. I don't mean let yourself off the hook.
I mean treat yourself like a human being who made
choices based on what you knew, who you were, and
what you had at the time. You weren't perfect, you
didn't have all the tools. Maybe you were hurt, maybe
you were scared, Maybe you didn't think you deserved better.

(37:50):
That doesn't excuse everything, but it does explain it. You
can't grow from your past if you keep using it
as a weapon against yourself.

Speaker 2 (38:00):
Three.

Speaker 3 (38:00):
Shift your focus from what if to what now? This
one matters. You can spend the next five years regretting
what you did, or you can spend them building something better.
One keeps you in a loop, the other moves you forward.
Your call regrets without action is just emotional self harm.
If you're gonna feel this much, at least, let it
mean something. We are very different writers, Yes we are.

(38:23):
I write like I talk, but my grammar sucks because
you didn't specialize in literacy.

Speaker 2 (38:30):
I didn't make it very far in the school system.
How about that.

Speaker 3 (38:33):
If you're gonna feel this much, at least, let it
mean something. Take what you've learned and start showing up differently.
That's where healing begins. You've already paid enough, the sleepless
nights to self loathing, the anxiety, the years you've wasted
feeling like trash because you made a mistake. You can't
undo enough. You don't have to carry that into every
room you walk into. You get to outgrow your old self.

(38:53):
You get to evolve. You get to start over, not
because you forget, but because you've earned it. You're not broken,
you're rebuilding, and you're allowed to create a life that
the old you couldn't even picture. Pull out your journal. Yeah,
your handy dandy notebook. You knew what was coming. Write
down everything you're still carrying.

Speaker 2 (39:11):
I put grab your journal and almost every chapter of
that book.

Speaker 3 (39:15):
Yeah. I love that.

Speaker 2 (39:17):
Yeah, that's why when we do the men's Retreat, I'm
getting everybody journals. I know that. Like, I don't go
through shit anymore. Like, honestly, I can normally problem solve
in the moment. Ninety nine percent of my problems. I
very rarely have to pull out my journal. And the
only time I pull out my journal now is if
I can't bounce something off of you and figure it out,
because then that's my problem solving moment to write and

(39:38):
like go through my process. But my journaling process has
been a huge, huge, huge factor of my life. When
you have no one else, you have your journal. You
have somebody to talk to.

Speaker 3 (39:48):
Yeah, write down everything you're still carrying, every shout of
every what if, every mistake you haven't forgiven yourself for.
Put it all on paper, let it breathe and decide
what you're going to do about it. Next time you
have a bonfire or a fire pit, burn this paper
and let it go. That was one of the challenges
for both of my women's groups at one point. What's

(40:08):
that two? So the Book of the Month did a
study with a group of women. Half of them wrote,
I mean all of them wrote down like negative self talk,
things that they're holding on to, things that are weighing
them down. And half of them burned it. And then
half of them carried it in their pocket. And the
women who burned it felt freer of that burden and
the woman carrying it because in the back of their

(40:31):
mind they knew that thing was in their pocket.

Speaker 2 (40:33):
Yep. Yeah, that's crazy. Yep. There's something about purification by fire.

Speaker 3 (40:38):
Yes, you know fire water. Yeah, because that pain, that weight,
it can either bury you or build you. You're not stuck,
you're not doomed. You're just at a crossroads, and now
it's time to choose live in your past or learn
from it and move forward. Your future isn't going to
wait for you to stop beating yourself up, so stop

(40:59):
looking start showing up. This is where everything changes. Let's
talk about accountability, the real kind, not the surface level
bullshit people throw around when they just want to say
my bad and move on. I'm talking about the uncomfortable,
sometimes gut wrenching kind, the kind that makes you sit
with yourself and face your reflection without flinching. Accountability gets

(41:21):
a bad rap because most people confuse it with blame.
They think it means dragging themselves through the mud, shaming
themselves over and over again for every dumb choice they've
ever made. They confuse it with punishment, with guilt, with judgment.
But that's not accountability, that self destruction. Real accountability is different.
It's about ownership. It's about standing up and saying, yeah,

(41:44):
that was me. I did that. I didn't show up,
I caused pain, I dropped the ball. And then, instead
of sinking into self pity or beating yourself up until
there's nothing left, you learn, you change, and you do
better next time. That's the difference. Self blame you stuck.
Accountability pulls you forward. I can't remember when I said this,

(42:05):
I don't remember why I said this, but I've said
that self guilt and self shaming is a way to
self punish in a way that you believe you deserve
to be.

Speaker 2 (42:18):
Yeah, it's self harm.

Speaker 3 (42:20):
So if you have lived a life where other people
have constantly hurt you, and you have now internalized that,
you have become more comfortable with hurting yourself than loving yourself.

Speaker 2 (42:33):
It's easier, right.

Speaker 3 (42:35):
The opposite of what you need to do right now
is pour into yourself versus drinking the poison.

Speaker 2 (42:41):
Definitely wants you to reachap the sixty six degrees when
we're done with this chapter, and then we'll wrap up,
because that'll put U where we need to be.

Speaker 3 (42:47):
Let me break it down as clear as I can.
Self Blame says I'm a piece of shit. Accountability says
I fucked up, but I can fix this. See the shift.
One is a cage, the other is a key. Most
people avoid accountability because it means sitting in the heat.
It means looking at the parts of yourself that aren't polished,
the weak spots, the ego, the avoidance of dishonesty. That's

(43:07):
not fun, but it's where your power lives. Think about it.
You can't change something you won't admit. When you're stuck
in blame mode, either blaming yourself or blaming the world,
you're not actually solving anything. You're just replaying the mess
like a broken record, convincing yourself this is who you
are now, and that's the narrative. It becomes your identity,
and that identity will poison your relationships, your growth, and

(43:30):
your peace. Let me put it this way. Your life
is your responsibility. No one is coming to save you.
Not everything that happened to you was your fault, but
every reaction you had, every choice you made in response
to it, that is on you. You might have been hurt,
you might have been lied to, abandon cheated on. That
pain is real, but now you can carry that pain,

(43:51):
and what you do with it is yours to own.
That's what accountability is. It's not punishment, its power. Let
me give you an example. Say you were in a
relationship where you shut down emotionally. You avoid a tough conversation,
so you got passive aggressive. Maybe you didn't cheat, maybe
you didn't scream, but maybe you weren't present, you didn't engage.

(44:12):
And now that person is gone. You can either say, well,
they left because they're sensitive or controlling or can't handle me,
or you can sit down and ask why did I
shut down? What was I afraid of? Why didn't I
speak up? And what would I do differently. Now that's
the work, that's the accountability. And if you actually do it,
and you don't just avoid making the same mistake again,

(44:33):
you become a better version of yourself. And that's the
part nobody talks about. Accountability is actually freedom. And you
want to stop hating yourself for the past. Own it.
You want to stop repeating the same patterns in relationships.
Own your role. You want to stop spinning your wheels
in life and wondering why nothing ever sticks. Own your
part in it. You don't have to hate yourself to

(44:54):
take responsibility. You don't have to wallow in guilt. But
you need to look at your shit, lean it up,
learn it, apologize when you should, and more importantly, change
the behavior. Because if you say sorry but you don't
change anything, that's not accountability. That's manipulation. There's nothing noble
about pretending you're a victim of your own choices. There's

(45:15):
nothing impressive about staying stuck and calling itself awareness. The
goal isn't to sit in the dirt and feel bad forever.
The goal is to rise, to learn, to choose better,
to do better, to be better in parentheses and look better.
This isn't easy. It takes guts, It takes humility. It
means owning you're ugly without letting it define you. It

(45:36):
means letting you of your ego long enough to admit
you didn't have it all figured out. But the second
you do, the second you stop making excuses and start
telling the truth, everything changes. People will respect you more,
you'll respect yourself more. They'll stop attracting the same bullshit
over and over because now you'll actually see the role
you played in all of it, and that clarity. It's
a game changer. It's more than a game changer. I

(45:58):
felt like that was the first time I've ever been
able to breathe in my fucking life.

Speaker 2 (46:00):
Ooh, isn't it. Yeah, it's funny because it's been what
five months, four months since I finished this book. Yeah,
and I haven't touched any of this since. So, like
you're reading, I'm like, damn, I'm fucking smart.

Speaker 3 (46:16):
That's how I feel when people say shit back to
me that I've said, yeah, like, no way, stop it.
You'll stop letting your pass hold you hostage. Here's something else.
Accountability is also about making it right when you can.
Maybe you owe someone in apology. Maybe you don't need
to call them, but maybe you need to stop talking
about them in your head. Yep, Maybe you need to

(46:37):
make peace with the fact that you weren't the person
you should have been in that season. Maybe now is
your chance to become that person. Not for them, but
for you, that version of you that made mistakes. They
were doing the best they could with what they had.
But you're not them anymore. So stop living like you are.
Grab your journal, yeah you already know, and write down

(46:58):
the biggest mistake you've been avoiding the owner, taking ownership
of what you did, why you did it, what you learned,
and what you're going to do differently now, not what
they did, not why it wasn't fair, what you did.
You don't have to carry the past around like a
chain around your neck. You can turn that chain into
a ladder, Climb the hell out of the hole you dug,

(47:19):
build something better with the mess you've made. That's accountability.
It's not easy, but it's liberating. Time to start being
honest with yourself, start telling the truth again, and then
live like someone who deserves a second chance because you do.
The crossroads. Let's talk about choice. You're standing at a crossroad.
You've got four pass in front of you. One loops

(47:40):
back toward the past, familiar, predictable and littered with the
same old regrets, bad habits, broken patterns, and every mistake
you promised yourself you'd stop making. Another is smooth, wide, easy,
that once tempting. It's the path where nothing really changes.
It's comfortable, low risk, zero effort, but zero growth. It's
the road where you get to avoid all the hard stuff.

(48:01):
You'll say the same your life will too. Then there's
the third one, the hard climb, steep, rugged, foolish, sharp edges.
It looks brutal, but at the top there's peace, there's strength,
there's clarity. It's the path where you earn your growth,
one hard step at a time. And finally there's the
fourth faint trail, no clear map, no guarantee, just risk

(48:23):
and a hell of a lot of unknowns. But that path,
that's the one with potential freedom, discovery, transformation. Which one
would you take?

Speaker 2 (48:31):
I think your answer to that will be different in
every season of your life.

Speaker 3 (48:36):
Which one would you take? Because you get to choose,
And that's the truth most people don't want to hear.
You're not trapped you're not cursed. You're not stuck unless
you decide to be. Yeah, the past happened, It left
its mark, Maybe it left you scarred, maybe it broke
parts of you. You're still trying to glue back together.
But here's the deal. The past isn't in charge anymore.
You are. We all carry some kind of pain, some

(48:58):
kind of failure. But that's not excuse to say the same.
It's not a reason to settle, and it sure as
hell isn't a reason to hand your future over to
the version of you who is still trying to figure
it out. The crossroads are real. We all hit one,
and when you're standing in that moment, the choice you
make says everything about where you're headed. Most people go back,
some settle for the easy way, Fewer take the hard climb,

(49:21):
and only a handful step into the unknown. The past
is loud. It wants to keep you right where you are.
You'll hear the old voices telling you what you can't do,
who you'll never be, and why nothing ever works out
for you. And if you listen long enough, you'll start
to believe it. But you have to shut that shit
down because you've got work to do. You have to

(49:42):
challenge the lie that you're stuck. You're not, you never were.
But it's easier to tell ourselves that story than it
is to face the uncomfortable truth. You're where you are
because of your choices, and you'll get where you want
to be the same way. So here's what you do.
You own the story, not just the good parts, not
just the pieces that make you look strong, all of it.

(50:03):
The fear, the failure, the avoidance, the times you knew
better and didn't do better, the times you were the
villain and someone else's story. Write it down, feel the
weight of it, and then make a damn decision. You
either carry that weight forever or let it define you,
or you learn from it and use it to build
the next version of who you are. Do you want
to stay in that cycle? Keep doing the same thing,

(50:24):
keep choosing comfort, keep chasing safety, keep pretending change will
just happen on its own. But if you want more,
if you want to change your life, you're going to
have to get uncomfortable. You're gonna have to confront yourself.
You're gonna have to climb, and it's going to suck.
Sometimes it'll hurt, you'll second guess everything. You'll look at
the steep path in which you chosen easier, But then

(50:45):
one day you'll turn around and realize you're not the
same person anymore. You're stronger, sharper, calmer, and the view
worth every damn step. A few thoughts. If you've always
chose off few thoughts, if you always chose what's easy,
you're going to live a life that feels small. If

(51:06):
you choose to repeat the past, you're going to stay
stuck in it. But if you choose to fight, to heal,
to grow, you're going to build something better. You don't
need a perfect plan, you don't need all the answers.
You just need to decide that you're done letting the
past run the show. This is your life, not your parents,
not your exes, not your critics, yours. So what are
you going to do with all of it? Will you
keep choosing what's familiar, even if it's toxic. Will you

(51:29):
keep choosing what's easy, even if it keeps you small?
Or will you choose to climb the risk the freedom?
Time to get out your journal? Yeah, I know, hopefully
you just carry it with you now while reading break
it down? What patterns are you what patterns are keeping
you stuck? What comfort are you clinging to? What old

(51:50):
version of you do you need to bury so something
new can grow. Nobody's coming to save you, nobody's coming
to drag you down the right path. This is your
choice to make. Look at your life and choose. Choose
the pain that leads to growth over the comfort that
leads your regret. Choose to climb, Choose the unknown, Choose
the version of you that's worth fighting for. Because the

(52:11):
future you doesn't come from waiting, It comes from doing
self compassion and showing up for yourself. All Right, we've
talked a lot about choices. We've talked about taking control
of your life. You're writing your story and stepping into
something better. But the question still hangs in the air.
How how do you go from being stuck in old
patterns to someone who actually builds something better? You start

(52:34):
with self compassion. Now. I know the word might sound
soft to some of you, like it's all bubble bath
and inspirational quotes, but that's not what we're doing here.
We're not talking about ignoring your mistakes, but we're pretending
everything's fine. Self compassion isn't letting yourself off the hook.
It's giving yourself the same grace, understanding, and space to
grow that you would give someone you actually gave a

(52:55):
shit about. Let me ask you this. If your best
friend came to you wrecked over a mistake they made, ashamed, hurting,
beating themselves up, would you pile on? Would you tell them, yeah,
you really are a failure? No, you wouldn't. You'd listen,
you'd validate, you'd give them a little perspective. You tell
them that it's not the end of the world. They've
got what it takes to bounce back. So why don't

(53:16):
you do that for yourself?

Speaker 2 (53:17):
Do you think I put too many journal prompts in here? No?

Speaker 3 (53:20):
I don't think you put two prompts.

Speaker 2 (53:21):
Okay, this is the last page of this chapter.

Speaker 3 (53:23):
No, it is not. I think we have ten more pages.

Speaker 2 (53:25):
Let's just jump to sixty six degrees. Okay, this is
my favorite chapter in the book. Yeah, yep.

Speaker 3 (53:31):
Oh, this is a short one.

Speaker 2 (53:32):
Yep, Okay, it's probably the most impactful of the entire book.

Speaker 3 (53:36):
Chapter six is why.

Speaker 2 (53:38):
No, Yeah, it's sixty six degrees is the name of
the chapter. I love you for this. Yeah, yep, you
don't have to do it.

Speaker 3 (53:46):
Thank you for that.

Speaker 2 (53:47):
It could have been like I don't want to read
your book.

Speaker 3 (53:48):
Yeah, I enjoy being a part of things that you
do with your life.

Speaker 2 (53:53):
Yeah.

Speaker 3 (53:54):
Imagine this. You're at home, your air conditioner is set
to sixty six degrees. You're comfortable, shorts, t shirt, feet
kicked up. This is your happy zone, your chill, relax content.
Your partner, on the other hand, is bundled up in
a hoodie and socks, curled up in a blanket, teeth
almost chattering. They look at you and say, I can't
take it any more. Of the house is freezing. You
look over, like, what are you talking about? This is perfect?

(54:15):
You say you're crazy. This is the ideal temperature. So
who's right, the person who feels cold or the person
who feels fine. Truth is neither an both, because this
isn't about the temperature. It's about perception. It's about experience.
It's about reality and how reality shift depends on who
you are and what you've been through. That's why I

(54:36):
sit outside so much.

Speaker 2 (54:37):
Because I keep it so cold in here, so fucking
cold in this house, like seventy four.

Speaker 3 (54:41):
In here, I am freezing. There are four air vents
hitting me on the couch when I'm sitting in.

Speaker 2 (54:46):
There, fucking love it.

Speaker 3 (54:47):
Yeah, your reality is your reality, no one else's. Now
let's take this further. Let's say a few people, a
few other people are there. Some agree with you. Yeah,
it feels great in here, either side with your part?
Are you kidding? It's freezing? You're outnumbered? Do you change
your mind? Do you start questioning yourself? Does their group
consensus shift your truth? Here's the thing. The thermostat hasn't changed.

(55:11):
The number is still sixty six. That's just a fact.
But how people feel about that number, that's where it
gets messy. Now imagine this. It's summer, ninety degrees outside.
You hop in your car and crank the AC to
sixty six. It feels amazing. That cool air hits your
skin like a breath of life. Now it's the middle
of winter. You get in the same car and you
got the heater set to yep, sixty six, and suddenly

(55:34):
it feels warm, comforting, like a hug from your dashboard.
Same temperature, different environment, different context, different perspective. The truth
didn't change. What changed was everything around it. That's what
I'm trying to get you to understand. When you're dealing
with hard situations, conflicts, breakups, divorces, tensions in your social circles.
Everyone will bring their own temperature to the table. Everyone

(55:57):
wants to decide if the room is too hot or
too cold based on their comfort level. They'll sign their
story to your situation. They'll project their preferences, their trauma,
their worldview on something they were not even involved in.
They'll create a narrative out of something that's not even
theirs to interpret. And here's the kicker. They believe they're
right because in their universe and their emotional temperature, that's

(56:21):
the truth. They feel just like yours feels true to you.
But the end of the day, sixty six degrees is
still just sixty six degrees, not good, not bad, not perfect,
not painful, just number, a fact, a neutral, unbabiased point
of data, and we the people, come in and start
assigning meaning to it based on our emotions, our context,

(56:42):
in our stories. So what do you do with that?
You stop letting other people define your reality. You stop
letting your perception perception override your experience. You stop bending
every time someone else says it's cold in here, when
you know in your gut that you're finally warm for
the first time in years. People are going to talk.
People are going to twist it. They're going to tell

(57:03):
your story like it's theirs to tell. They're going to
say you were too cold, too distant, to whatever, because
that's their temperature talking. We have called this your cognitive
bias on the podcast. Let them because when you understand this,
really understand it, you realize you don't need to argue,
you don't need to defend your thermostat, you don't need

(57:24):
to win their approval. Your truth is your truth, their
truth is theirs. And in the middle, somewhere in the
silence between both perspective, that's where the actual objective reality lives, simple, neutral,
waiting for someone to assign meaning to it. So the
next time someone tries to tell you what your story meant,
what your emotions should have been, how you should have

(57:46):
handled things, remember it's just sixty six degrees, and you
get to decide what that means in your world. The
more you start to understand how people operate, their cognitive biases,
their conditioning, the filters they see the world through, the
easier it becomes to let them have their opinions without
letting it shake you, because that's all most of it
is opinion, perspective, projection, other people assigning their meaning to

(58:09):
your story. And guess what, you're probably the villain in
someone's version of it, and you're all so guilty of this.
Let them write that way, let them tell it however
makes them feel better, because their version of you is
not you. It's just their interpretation of the situations they
were in, their emotions, their unresolved shit, the details they

(58:30):
chose to highlight, twist or flat out fabricate. It's a
story they needed to believe to make sense of things.
And you know what, that doesn't make you wrong, and
it sure as hell doesn't make them right. Even if
they got a crowd behind them, even if five more
people co sign their version and say, yeah, that's what
I heard too, it doesn't change your reality. Let's go
back to that metaphor. Everyone says sixty six degrees is

(58:52):
too cold. They're bundled up, uncomfortable and complaining. But you,
you're sitting in that same room wearing a T shirt
and shorts finally easy for the first time in years.
Who's right you are? Because you're the one living your
life You're the one in your body, with your history,
with your healing, your choices, and if sixty six degrees
is what feels good for you, then that's the only

(59:13):
answer that matters. Their opinion doesn't get to override your peace.
Their discomfort doesn't mean you're doing something wrong. Their version
of story doesn't get to dictate how you live it,
live your life anyway. You are not put on this
earth to make everyone comfortable. You weren't born to constantly
adjust your thermostat based on everyone else's reactions. You weren't

(59:34):
meant to shrink your truth just because it doesn't match
the group consensus. Because at the end of this life,
when it's all said and done and you stand before
whatever higher power you believe in, no one's going to
ask you about how will you manage someone else's expectations.
You're not going to be judged for how many people
agreed with you. You're not going to be held accountable
for whether or not you made someone else feel better

(59:56):
about their version of events. It'll be asked one thing,
did you live your life yours, not theirs, not the
version people created for you, not the image you felt
pressured to maintain, not the part you were cast in
just to keep the peace your life, your choice, is
your story. So why the hell would you waste time
worrying about someone else's opinion of what sixty six degrees

(01:00:17):
feels like? Why would you ben, contort, and betray your
own piece just to fit into someone else's story where
you are never meant to be the hero. Let them
think what they want to, let them feel how they feel,
and let them stay cold if they need to. But you,
you stay where the temperature is right for you, because
the only person you have to answer to in the
end is the one staring back at you in the mirror,

(01:00:39):
and that person deserves a life that actually feels like
their own. One of the most quietly destructive parts of
a relationship, the kind that creeps in over time, 'n
notice until you're finally buried, and it is trying to
acclimate to someone else's temperature. And look, some of that
is just part of love, part of marriage, and you
will make sacrifices, you will compro That's what partnership means.

(01:01:02):
Two people trying to coexist the same space with different upbringings,
different emotional temperatures, different needs. It's never going to be perfect,
And if you love someone, you will make adjustments. You
will bend it, will do your best to find a
balance between your comfort and theirs. And here's where it
gets dangerous when the relationship starts to tilt too far
in one direction, when the balance becomes in balance, When

(01:01:25):
you find yourself constantly giving up to the things that
made you happy, the things that gave you peace, the
things that made you you just to keep them comfortable,
that's when you lose yourself. That's when you start sending
the message, intentionally or not, that their happiness matters more
than yours. And sometimes those sacrifices don't feel like much
in the moment you give up. Little things, change, new habits,

(01:01:48):
dull your shine, just little say yes when you want
to say no, stay quiet when you're good at screaming.
You tell yourself it's not a big deal, that you're
just being supportive, that this is what love is supposed
to look like. But over time, those little things pile
up and suddenly you're gone. Your voice, your need, your
desires are buried under theirs. And the worst part, they

(01:02:11):
get used to it. They stop asking what you want,
they stop checking in, They don't even notice the sacrifices
anymore because you've made it so easy for them to
never have to. Why would they You taught them that
your comfort is optional. And I know when I put
it like that, it sounds harsh. It sounds like I'm
putting the blame on you, and I'm not. But I

(01:02:31):
am giving it to you straight. When you're the one
to bend again and again, without boundaries, without speaking up,
you're showing them that they can take more, and if
they're not self aware, they'll just keep taking, not out
of malice, but out of habit. That's why the check
ins matter. That's why we created them so we can
have the hard conversation, so we can learn how to

(01:02:52):
effectively communicate with each other. That's why we stress the
importance of open, uncomfortable conversations. We say, you need to
be willing to say the hard things, even when it
might lead to conflict, even when it might hurt a little,
because this isn't about winning or keeping score. It's about
maintaining equity, about making sure both people still feel seen,

(01:03:13):
heard and valued. Because you're sixty six degrees, it might
feel just fine to you, but your partner might be
freezing or burning up, and neither of you is wrong
for feeling how you feel. It's just perception, experience, life lessons,
and cognitive bias. And no. Accountability doesn't mean blame, it
means ownership. It means saying, hey, I see how this

(01:03:35):
might be affecting you. I still disagree, but I'm willing
to hear you. I'm willing to work hard with you
instead of trying to change your mind. But we have
to work together, not against each other. They're cold, you're hot.
Can coexist, but only if you stop trying to convince
each other that your existence is only one, is the
only one valid, only if you stop treating your comfort

(01:03:57):
as default and theirs as inconvenience. Only if you're willing
to do the damn work to find a middle ground
that doesn't require either of you to disappear in the process. So, no,
you don't have to give up the things that make
you happy and know you don't have to ignore what
makes them uncomfortable. But you do need to talk about it.
You do need to be honest. You do need to
stop pretending you're okay with freezing just because they need

(01:04:19):
it cold, and stop asking them to sweat it out
just because you've gotten used to the heat. Marriage isn't
about controlling the thermostat. It's about learning how to share
the air. And if you can't do that, someone's always
going to feel like they're suffocating. Now is a great
time to pull out your new best friend, your journal,
Take a second, breathe, and start writing. I want you

(01:04:39):
to list all the things you can remember that kept
you and your partner from being on the same page.
The stuff that came up over and over again, the
tension that never really got resolved, the disconnects that made
you feel like you were speaking different languages even when
you're trying to fix it. What were the things you
could have budged on but didn't, and more importantly, why

(01:05:00):
didn't you? Was it pride? Was it fear? Were you
trying to hold onto something that made you feel like
you still mattered? Were you trying to prove a point
or were you trying or were you just too tired
to fight? Then flip it? What were the things you
did give up on ended up regretting. Where did you
bend too far? Where did you start letting parts of

(01:05:20):
yourself go just to keep the peace. What did you silence,
push aside or let die in order to make someone
else more comfortable. Write it down? All of it was
the conflict between you constant? Did it feel like you
were having the same argument every other week, just with
different words. Were you both stuck emotionally gridlocked because neither

(01:05:42):
of you wanted to make wanted to take the first
step towards something real? Be honest here, How much did
all of that impact your overall view of your marriage
or relationship? Did it change how you felt about them?
Did it change how you felt about yourself? Once you
get that all out, now you've got something, got the
blueprints to your future in your hands. This is why

(01:06:04):
we journal, This is why we don't avoid the hard questions,
because what you just wrote, that's the foundation for every
conversation you're going to need to have when you decide
to start dating again. You now know where the cracks are.
You know what your non negotiables are. You know where
you gave too much and where you refuse to give
it all. And that kind of self awareness that's rare.

(01:06:25):
You know where the cracks were, you know what your
non negotiables are, you know where you gave too much
and refuse to give it all, and that kind of
self awareness that's rare. Most people don't have that going
into new relationships. Most people are still winging it and
carrying all the baggage from their past. You won't be so. Now,
when you sit across the table from someone and things

(01:06:46):
feel good, you'll also be paying attention.

Speaker 2 (01:06:50):
So, for those of you who are watching this after
the fact, her fact, her back is bothering her, she's
going to go stretch, i'ma finish this chapter out. Are
you okay with me wrapping up the whole episode by myself? Okay,
so I'll end up wrapping up this entire thing by myself. So, now,
when you sit across the table from someone and things
feel good, you will also be paying attention not just
to how they make you feel, but how you handle conflict, communication, accountability,

(01:07:12):
and balance. You'll have to actually question, You'll have actual
questions to ask, real conversations to have. You'll be able
to say, here's what I've learned, here's what I'm looking for,
how do you feel about this? And hopefully you'll be
able to learn if they can meet you there or not.
If the answer is no, cool, move on. Better to
know three dates in than after three years. The point

(01:07:32):
of all of this, it's not just to heal from
what happened, but to stop it from happening again, To
stop sleepwalking into relationships with people who will never actually
be compatible with the real you. I know, people don't
want to be called Karens. No one wants to be
that person, the one who speaks up, who complains, who
makes noise. We've been conditioned to believe that standing up
for ourselves makes us difficult, that setting boundaries is aggressive,

(01:07:53):
that having expectations somehow makes you selfish. You need to
lose that mindset right now, because here's the truth. Knowing's
going to stand up for you. If you won't stand
up for yourself, no one's coming to save you. No
one's going to magically read your mind and figure out
what you need. And if you keep silencing yourself just
to keep the peace, eventually the only one suffering will
be you. Boundaries aren't rude, expectations aren't unrealistic, and speaking

(01:08:15):
up for yourself about what bothers you isn't a character flaw.
It's self respect. You have the right to say what's
okay with you and what isn't You have the right
to say no, not anymore, that doesn't work for me.
And you have the right to do all of that
without guilt. But here's where people get tripped up. You
have to be clear, you have to be real, You
have to be able to understand the difference between truth

(01:08:35):
and perception, especially when you're in conflict trying to communicate
your needs. So yeah, let's go back to the sixty
six degrees metaphor one more time. That number isn't just
a number. It's not too cold or perfect or too
hot until someone decides that it is all of those things.
Those meanings we attach their emotional projections, personal experience bias.
Your sixty six might feel amazing, someone else's sixty six

(01:08:59):
might feel unbearable. But that doesn't make you wrong, It
doesn't make you right. It just means you're living two
different realities. So when you're setting your boundaries, when you're
explaining what's okay for you, remember this. You don't have
to convince anyone that your truth is the truth. You
just have to know it's yours. You have to know
what feels right for your body, your mind, your life.
You're not crazy, you're not a caaring, you're not difficult

(01:09:20):
for wanting peace, clarity, respect, and alignment. You're just someone
who's finally learning to speak up, someone who's finally learning
that your comfort means just as much as anyone else's,
someone who's realizing that if you keep making yourself small
so that other people stay comfortable, you'll wake up one
day and have no idea who you are. So here
it is. Set your damn boundaries. I wanted to use
the F word right there, and I didn't because I

(01:09:40):
dropped a couple in this book. Have your expectations, chase
your goals, Speak your truth even if your voice shakes,
even when people don't agree, even when it makes you
the bad guy in someone else's version of the story,
because sixty six degrees is just sixty six degrees and
everything else is just noise. I hope it helps. I
hope this helps you the next time you feel like

(01:10:01):
you need to speak up, because trust me, your silence
won't save you, but your self respect will. That's my
favorite chapter the entire book. I realize that with my
sixty six degrees is just sixty six degrees. When I
started writing that chapter, my point was to point out
that everything that we do is only our reality, and

(01:10:21):
like it doesn't matter if it's too hot or too cold,
or if people agree or disagree. This is the life
that we are living. This is the experience that we
are experiencing. And you can't allow the opinions of other
people to change your reality or your experience if you're
comfortable and at peace. So many people find themselves being
caught up in trying to people please and trying to

(01:10:45):
make sure that everybody else has everything that they need
around them, that they give up so much of themselves
that they forget who the fuck they are, and that
becomes you become a shell of a person. And you
see this in relationships where people get out of a
relationship and the people around them go, oh my god,
you seem so different. Well, I do seem different because
I don't have to change who the fuck I am
to meet the needs of the people around me. I

(01:11:07):
get breathe for the first time, and however long it's
been in a relationship, I can stand tall because the
weight of other people's expectations of me are no longer there.
I can shed all of that old me because the
change that I wanted to make was not possible. So
I've been walking around in this dead skin version of
myself for so fucking long that i haven't been able

(01:11:28):
to evolve into who I'm supposed to be right now,
and it's it's a lot. I really enjoy listening to
her read. Like I know that people say that her
voice is very soothing or whatever, but like, I was
really zoning the fuck out just watching her read that book,
and it was really fucking nice to do. So I'm

(01:11:49):
going to wrap up though, because she's I'm gonna go
love on her because I don't know what's going on
with her back right now and I feel bad. But
with that being said, guys, thank you for tuning in.
If you enjoyed the book, leave a cut about like
in the actual video when we post this, about what
was the most impactful part of all of that we read,
so that I have feedback moving forward. And with that
being said, guys, thanks for tuning in. Remember you were

(01:12:11):
the author of your own life, So grab a pin
and we will see you on the next one.

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Bad relationships pt 2 - and some of my book.

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.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}Bad relationships pt 2 - and some of my book.