Disclaimer: We are not professionals. This podcast is opinioned based and from life experience. This is for entertainment purposes only. Opinions helped by our guests may not reflect our own. But we love a good conversation.
In this episode of the 2 Be Better Podcast, Chris and Peaches break down a raw email from a newly married wife who is already thinking about leaving her husband, and they do not sugar coat a thing. You will hear real marriage advice on the first year of marriage, resentment and the mental load, division of labor in the home, expectations around being a “50s housewife,” body image, fitness before pregnancy, and why “he makes me feel like a piece of meat” might actually be a communication and perception problem, not proof that your man is a monster. They unpack groping versus affection, why your feelings are not the full story, what happens when you keep score over chores, and how couples slip into the roommate phase when they avoid direct, honest conversations about needs, kids, sex, and respect. If you are searching for first year of marriage advice, help with housework resentment, or real relationship coaching that calls out your own part in the dysfunction, this episode is for you.
The second half dives into the conversations you must have before having children, from discipline, religion, diet and holidays, to college versus trade school, public school versus homeschool, and what it really means when both partners want full time careers while expecting grandma to run childcare and schooling. Chris and Peaches speak directly to working wives, stay at home mom hopefuls, firefighters’ families, and neurodivergent couples navigating autism and ADHD, challenging you to think about postpartum, special needs, and what happens when your support system fails. You will get practical questions to ask each other before kids, a reality check on how children intensify whatever is already broken in your marriage, and a push to build a marriage centered on service, ownership, and intentional parenting, not fantasy and convenience. This is unfiltered relationship coaching, marriage advice for women and men, and a must watch if you want a strong marriage and a functional family, not just cute wedding photos and a baby announcement.
Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/2-be-better--5828421/support.
In this episode of the 2 Be Better Podcast, Chris and Peaches break down a raw email from a newly married wife who is already thinking about leaving her husband, and they do not sugar coat a thing. You will hear real marriage advice on the first year of marriage, resentment and the mental load, division of labor in the home, expectations around being a “50s housewife,” body image, fitness before pregnancy, and why “he makes me feel like a piece of meat” might actually be a communication and perception problem, not proof that your man is a monster. They unpack groping versus affection, why your feelings are not the full story, what happens when you keep score over chores, and how couples slip into the roommate phase when they avoid direct, honest conversations about needs, kids, sex, and respect. If you are searching for first year of marriage advice, help with housework resentment, or real relationship coaching that calls out your own part in the dysfunction, this episode is for you.
The second half dives into the conversations you must have before having children, from discipline, religion, diet and holidays, to college versus trade school, public school versus homeschool, and what it really means when both partners want full time careers while expecting grandma to run childcare and schooling. Chris and Peaches speak directly to working wives, stay at home mom hopefuls, firefighters’ families, and neurodivergent couples navigating autism and ADHD, challenging you to think about postpartum, special needs, and what happens when your support system fails. You will get practical questions to ask each other before kids, a reality check on how children intensify whatever is already broken in your marriage, and a push to build a marriage centered on service, ownership, and intentional parenting, not fantasy and convenience. This is unfiltered relationship coaching, marriage advice for women and men, and a must watch if you want a strong marriage and a functional family, not just cute wedding photos and a baby announcement.
Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/2-be-better--5828421/support.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Look out with come all the things with it on
the bottom all, Oh wow, is you You're my favorite view?
Speaker 2 (00:17):
But that's nothing, and we are back.
Speaker 3 (00:23):
Welcome back, you mystical bitches.
Speaker 2 (00:26):
We're doing the the same episode, part two, but we
had to take a break. We had a really gross lunch.
Your lunch was fucked up, because your lunch is always
fucked up always. You got crispy onion strings instead of
actual onion rings.
Speaker 3 (00:38):
Yeah. It was like the topping they put on a burger,
but hundreds of them in a box with no dipping sauce.
I was promised a specialized restaurant made dipping.
Speaker 2 (00:50):
Sauce, and you got none of it.
Speaker 3 (00:52):
I got none of it. I just got dried, crispy
sad onions.
Speaker 2 (00:56):
Yeah. People are like, I hate my job. Fuck these people.
That's how it went.
Speaker 3 (01:01):
Don't take it out on me, man Win damn bro.
Speaker 2 (01:05):
It is indeed how it went. We got an hour
of the other episode done. I haven't edited it yet.
I don't think I'm going to delete it. I think
I'm going to use the content, although I don't think
it'll be even close to an hour. So we're going
to do another email maybe to get some content done
and then probably play some video games tonight.
Speaker 3 (01:24):
Maybe I need to get some painting done. Need I do?
Speaker 2 (01:29):
You need to?
Speaker 3 (01:30):
I do?
Speaker 2 (01:30):
What makes it a need. Part of my.
Speaker 3 (01:35):
Well being maintenance is art doing artistic things. I have
come to discover that about myself, and I've been pushing
it off and pushing it off and pushing it off,
and I'm getting angry and angry and angry at myself
about it.
Speaker 2 (01:48):
Okay, fair enough, I will game.
Speaker 3 (01:49):
I'm just not going to game the whole time.
Speaker 2 (01:51):
You are. If you decide to do that, well, I
really want to play Battlefield six.
Speaker 3 (01:55):
Oh I want to play that too, if we could
get a whole team going this evening.
Speaker 2 (01:59):
Yeah, today's October fourteenth of the recording, so, and the
game came out on I think the tenth, and we
have not even been able to play yet because we've
been waiting for a whole team and I was hoping
that Sean would get on that would give us three
and somebody else would make four. But at this point,
I don't give a shit. I just want to play
the game and see how it plays. I've gotten like
I'm getting cocky good at cod now, like it's which
(02:23):
makes losing even worse.
Speaker 3 (02:24):
Yeah, I get that.
Speaker 2 (02:28):
So I really want to get into some battlefield. But
let's let's let's just jump into this. Let's do a
non Patreon email.
Speaker 3 (02:36):
All right. This one is titled I need guidance or help,
opinions something, Okay, and this was in a January of
this year.
Speaker 2 (02:50):
Hopefully you still need help.
Speaker 3 (02:53):
Fuck, somebody will get something out of this.
Speaker 2 (02:55):
I'm sure. I'm sure.
Speaker 3 (02:57):
I'm gonna be honest. This is kind of like my
my private messages.
Speaker 2 (03:02):
Yeah, yeah, you have messages that you haven't open for months. Yeah,
I hate that. It stresses me out, man.
Speaker 3 (03:11):
It's just kind of across the board to like the
important people get my attention every day. I have combined
in my women's groups, I have about forty five women
and thirty eight thirty nine of them have private DM
access to message may Yeah, so it takes a lot
of my resources.
Speaker 2 (03:31):
I check those messages all the time, but otherwise I
just clear notifications.
Speaker 3 (03:37):
All right ready, yep, First off, I just want to
start out by saying how much I enjoy watching your
dynamic and the love you have for each other. I
twenty eight female have been with my husband, thirty six
male for six years. As of December twenty twenty four.
We are about to celebrate our first year of marriage
at the end of February twenty twenty five. Okay, so
(03:59):
that came when damn year, damn near seven years together.
Now I would love an update email. I know the
old saying goes the first year of marriage is the hardest,
but I have a feeling that it shouldn't be as
hard as it has been.
Speaker 2 (04:13):
I actually don't agree with that.
Speaker 3 (04:15):
I agree with you disagreeing with that sentiment.
Speaker 2 (04:20):
If you do everything that you're supposed to do about
getting married, and you actually do your due diligence, the
first year of marriage is amazing.
Speaker 3 (04:28):
It's like the honeymoon phase just starting all over, because
now it's going to be a whole new adventure together.
Speaker 2 (04:35):
Right, yep, it's official now, right like right.
Speaker 3 (04:39):
Marriage isn't the ending, it's the beginning. I need your
help or guidance or just information that could help me
not feel so at full or crazy about some of
the things that are going on. I just don't know
what to do about going about I just don't know
what to do about going about all of this with
my husband. I don't know how to tell him all
(05:01):
the things that make me think about leaving. Here's everything,
and sorry if it kind of jumps around, Okay, I
want to pause there for a second. For me, thinking
about leaving is an extreme right, like that is a
very final decision, no going back. Discomfort of the change
of ending the relationship is less than the discomfort you're
(05:22):
experiencing currently in the relationship. For you. For us, divorce
is off the table. That's not an option off the table, right,
So there is never a thought of, oh, he just
did that and now I want to leave. It's well,
that sucked. We're feeling however, we're feeling. We're going to
feel better in forty five minutes when our nervous systems
(05:42):
calm down. We're going to reconjoin and then get dinner.
Speaker 2 (05:46):
Yeah, life will go on.
Speaker 3 (05:47):
Right, So, when I hear all of the things that
make me think about leaving, I'm I'm inclined to like
dysregulated emotions, Maybe be overwhelmed from the emotions, not sure
how to process them, maybe feel them very intensely.
Speaker 2 (06:06):
If you're thinking about leaving, you're already living your relationship
one foot out the door.
Speaker 3 (06:10):
That's true. All of that is me guessing. I am
not a psychic. I am not trying to tell the
email or how they're feeling.
Speaker 2 (06:19):
I am.
Speaker 3 (06:22):
Trying to predict what happens. I want to see if
I'm right. We all do that, especially in movies.
Speaker 2 (06:27):
Our chat is going on about the timeframes of you
know when relationships should get hard, and somebody said, I
feel like after five years is when it gets really hard.
Your relationship gets hard when you make it hard. Correct,
That's what it comes down to. You can have an
amazing relationship the entire time you're in a relationship. If
you're willing to understand that you are with a flawed individual,
(06:49):
you yourself are a flawed individual, and you are trying
to coexist within another universe for the rest of your
life together. And sometimes the days are going to suck.
But that doesn't mean that your life sucks. It means
that you're having a bad day, or you're having a
bad moment, or you have a disagreement. Because sometimes you're
going to have those life goes on. You have to
(07:11):
learn to love and have grace and forgive and like
not hold on to resentment, and to do things that's
going to make your life better. If you're not doing
those things, and you are holding resentments, and you're having
the grasses greener on the other side, and you're looking
at the people that you work with now, and you're
comparing your relationship to other people's. Your shit's going to
get hard. You chose that.
Speaker 3 (07:33):
Yeah, here's everything. I'm sorry if it kind of jumps around.
One thing recently that got my blood boiling was talking
about having kids. Okay, so I want to pause here.
Don't know where this is going. First time I'm seeing
this email right off the bat. That's a conversation that
needs to be decided upon before a relationship even continues
(07:54):
to formulate the foundation of possibly continuing a long term anything.
Speaker 2 (08:00):
Be honest about it. Yes, I don't know. I haven't
read this either, but I'm willing to bet that there's
a discrepancy that's had because someone's not being honest about
what they want. I'm just guessing.
Speaker 3 (08:14):
Let's see. Okay, this is kind of stupid, but now
I feel like where Nancy Drew.
Speaker 2 (08:24):
I don't know who that is.
Speaker 3 (08:25):
She's a book detective, okay, fictional stories for like teen girls.
And then my mind went to going on a bear hunt.
All right, this is something that he and I both
went back and forth on and the very beginning of
our relationship, but as time went on, I kept saying
I wanted kids. He always talks about our kids and
(08:49):
how he would raise them, which we both agree on
parenting styles. Okay, so they have been together for six
years and they were getting ready to celebrate one year
of marriage. That's a really long time to figure out
whether or not we're having kids, right.
Speaker 2 (09:07):
Well, and that's also a long time to not actually
have kids. Right. Did they say how old they were?
Speaker 3 (09:12):
She is twenty eight, he is thirty six.
Speaker 2 (09:14):
Okay.
Speaker 3 (09:15):
Back in September of twenty twenty four, I had a
breakdown moment where I cried and it hit me that
I want kids on my own. I'm gonna pause again.
I'm so sorry, guys breaking down. I had a breakdown
moment where I cried. This is a very important, very
impactful life decision. You get to live this life once.
(09:37):
So if you want to have children, you need to
be with somebody who also wants to have children.
Speaker 2 (09:41):
You shouldn't also make that decision from a fucking meltdown.
Speaker 3 (09:45):
I agree. If it was a breakdown, like you're having
a manic moment and you're breaking down and you decide
you want kids in that moment, but you've always been
against it. I agree. If this is something that you've
been secretly thinking about and you weren't honest about it,
like my husband said prior, sometimes aren't honest about those
kinds of things, and you were hiding it, and then
you had a breakdown because you've been repressing this for
(10:07):
so long and it dawned on you. You're almost thirty,
no children yet.
Speaker 2 (10:12):
Yep.
Speaker 3 (10:13):
I told him about this and he didn't give any pushback.
But now he's more concerned about money and having a
massive house and making sure I am in fit shape
and losing weight before I have any kids.
Speaker 2 (10:25):
There's a whole lot to that statement. There's a whole
lot to that statement. She just jumped from like four
different things.
Speaker 3 (10:31):
First one was he's more concerned about money.
Speaker 2 (10:35):
Right, kids are expensive. Yes, this should be a concern.
You shouldn't have kids if you can't afford him.
Speaker 3 (10:39):
I agree. If you're living paycheck to paycheck right now
is not the time to be having children right. Next
one was lose having a massive house.
Speaker 2 (10:50):
Yep.
Speaker 3 (10:51):
So if you're living in a studio, or one or
two bedroom apartment, and he wants to be able to
have a big backyard to provide the kind of child
here he wants for the children.
Speaker 2 (11:01):
I agree with that valid argument, right okay.
Speaker 3 (11:05):
And the next one was making sure I am in
fit shape and losing weight before I have any kids.
Speaker 2 (11:10):
That doesn't make sense. It does. There's a degree of
it makes sense because if you're overweight, it could cause
problems with the pregnancy.
Speaker 3 (11:17):
I was one hundred plus pounds overweight for all of
my pregnancies. First pregnancy, I had a miscarriage, second pregnancy,
I went into pre term labor fourteen weeks early, gave
birth twelve weeks early. And my third pregnancy, thank god,
(11:38):
nothing went wrong. But I was I know I have failed.
I was preclamtic with her.
Speaker 2 (11:43):
I don't know what that means.
Speaker 3 (11:45):
Preclamsia. I couldn't tell you right now. It's after birth
with blood I think, or there's something going on there.
It may have been pre diabetic. I think I was
pre diabetic, not preclamtic, preclamsia, But all of it was
based on my weight. It was it was the pre diabetic.
(12:07):
He was like, you're two points away from being pre
diabetic in this pregnancy.
Speaker 2 (12:11):
Okay, so all four of those are valid points. The
last two are arguable points, right, because if you're only
twenty pounds overweight, you're going to gain weight during pregnancy anyways.
So there's a whole lot that we could get into
in that, but let's just go move past that. For
the most part, I could make a valid argument for
(12:31):
all four of those things, right, So let's just move
past that.
Speaker 3 (12:34):
And it's also speculation on our end. We don't know
what their finances look like, what they're housing is like,
if she is only fifteen pounds overweight or eighty pounds overweight,
whatever the case may be.
Speaker 2 (12:44):
Right, preclamsya is related to high blood pressure. According to the.
Speaker 3 (12:47):
Chat, oh I did also have that. Yep, Yeah, I
was a mess during my pregnancies with my daughter. I
was over I was at the three hundred pound mark
and I kept climbing.
Speaker 2 (13:03):
Before we pick back up, if you guys are watching
this on Patreon right now, you need to go and
click on the video. There'd be a little YouTube thing
that will pop up. After you clear click that, it'll
take you to the YouTube channel, which is where we're live,
and you'll have a whole ass chat so you guys
can interact with the eighty people who are currently watching
and have the conversations and we can see your comments,
because right now I can see that I'm getting notifications
(13:25):
on Patreon that people are leaving comments about the video,
but I can't see the shit right go to YouTube
do that. And for those of you who didn't catch
today's earlier recording, it went private because there was tech issues,
and I'm I don't think it's going back up, so
tech tech shit happens. I apologize. Okay, back to the episode.
Speaker 3 (13:45):
D H Holmestead brought up a magnesium drip. I also
went on that the more people talk, the more it's like,
this is almost eight years ago for me. Yeah, so
it's like I'm finding things through the haze.
Speaker 2 (13:55):
Crazy how that works out in it.
Speaker 3 (13:56):
Yeah, I also forgot, like I in the moment, it
was very traumatic for me going through all of that
with the children and the pregnancies. But also time is
the master healer. Crazy. It also goes to show how
the brain divvy's up storage space as time goes on.
Speaker 2 (14:14):
Yeah, well, you tend to let go of things that
are no longer relevant to your life. Right, you only
have so much bandwidth. Eventually you have to start deleting files.
Speaker 3 (14:22):
Right, A lot of it in there is Britney spears too.
Speaker 2 (14:25):
Yeah, well, I mean that's an easy deletion, all right.
Speaker 3 (14:28):
Continuing, he is constantly making comments that he wants me
to get back in the gym and be fit before
having any kids. And I feel like he's not happy
with the way I look and is just making excuses
for when he himself also needs to get back into
the gym.
Speaker 2 (14:42):
So that's an assumption, and blame on who's part hers?
She assumed that that's what he wants, and she's blaming
him for also being overweight.
Speaker 3 (14:52):
I feel like he's not happy with the way I look,
so that's the I feel, right, that's the assumption.
Speaker 2 (14:57):
It's an assumption.
Speaker 3 (14:58):
And then you said making excuse says for when he
himself needs to get back into the gym.
Speaker 2 (15:02):
That's though. Now she's throwing shade at him.
Speaker 3 (15:04):
To pass the blame stick to you.
Speaker 2 (15:06):
Now because he's also overweight.
Speaker 3 (15:09):
He constantly makes me feel bad.
Speaker 2 (15:11):
Let's talk about the gym thing for a second. That
whole situation right there proves that she's not actually had
the conversation with him, So she is purely in her
feelings making shit up and if she feels like he
also needs to go back to the gym because he's
put on weight. Instead of having a discussion with him
about both of them going to the gym and getting
(15:32):
their life together, they're now going tit for tat because
she's hurt over the fact that he wants her to
go back to the gym. So he has expressively stated
what he needs or what he wants from her, and
she has not done any of that. Based off of
the way that that was worded.
Speaker 3 (15:51):
I can see that, Okay, I see that he constantly
makes me feel bad about having my own feelings. It
seems it seems it seems so why am I pointing
that out the same reason that we just stopped and
broke down those previous sentences. He constantly makes me feel
bad about having my own feelings, period. That is an
indication that he is verbally saying, your feelings are an
(16:14):
inconvenience to me. I don't care about what's going on
with you right now. Adding it seems draws back to
she's in her feels, she's making assumptions with the lack
of conversation. Yep, he is always defensive if I try
to point out things that he does that makes me
upset and turns it back onto me and makes it
my fault, and I think this all causes my depression
(16:35):
anxiety issues.
Speaker 2 (16:36):
Okay, this is so for those of you who are
wanting to write in, this is a phenomenal time to
give an example of how you're bringing things up.
Speaker 3 (16:44):
I agree.
Speaker 2 (16:46):
You can't say that your person is always getting defensive
and just move past that without telling us how you're
communicating your needs. If we were on a call with
you right now, we would say, give us an example
of the things that you say that makes them defensive.
You can tell us the verbiage and the wording that
you're used is using in conversation, so that we can
try to pick apart where the communication breakdown is happening,
(17:09):
where defensiveness happens. That's not something that unless your person
just genuinely doesn't like you, Getting defensive is not a
go to for everyone all the time. It's a lack
of communication that's happening between two people that makes that
defensiveness go.
Speaker 3 (17:24):
It could be a default setting. Owso if that is
how he has always responded to things they get into
a relationship together, and he is just continued responding defensively
because he's always made to feel like it's he's the problem.
Whatever the case may be. Immediately responds with, fuck, here
(17:45):
we go again. I have to fight for my life, right.
Speaker 2 (17:47):
I can understand that, but I still think that some
of that comes down to the way that it's delivered.
I agree.
Speaker 3 (17:53):
I tell him what I want from him. I tell him,
oh ooh, I have a problem. I have a problem
with this sentence. I didn't even know what it.
Speaker 2 (18:05):
Was that bitch that's funny.
Speaker 3 (18:12):
I was like, what the fuck did I just say?
I tell him what I want from him?
Speaker 2 (18:17):
Is not a lot. You don't get to determine that.
Speaker 3 (18:20):
You don't get to determine somebody else's capacity and how
much weight they can carry. And you don't know how
much it may take for somebody to give to you
to love you the way that you need it, and
some people are not capable of carrying that kind of pressure.
You can say, does that make sense?
Speaker 2 (18:43):
Yes?
Speaker 3 (18:44):
I wish he was more affectionate, especially when I have
been trying to do that myself. I'm just going to
keep stopping guys. I'm so sorry. I wish he was
more affectionate, especially when I've been trying to do that myself.
So that needs to be a conversation, right, not just
telling him. I'm not asking too much. What does that
affection look like? Are you looking for more quality time?
(19:06):
Are you looking for more physical touch? Are you looking
for more words of affirmation? Do you need your feet
held while watching TV on the couch? Not I was
gonna say men, not just men, humans. We need instructions.
That's why Ikea and not Ikia don't. They don't send
any home depot.
Speaker 2 (19:23):
Maybe Aika sends instructions. They're just fucking impossible to read.
Speaker 3 (19:27):
That's why we have instructions, period. And if you're hoping
to drop hints of oh, if I kiss the back
of his neck more, he's going to know that I'm
craving more attention to That's not how that works. When
my husband is loving up on me more, I'm thinking, Oh,
he's just doting on me like he's feeling extra affectionate today.
(19:48):
He's feeling extra loving towards me. I'm going to bask
in this. There is no pressure for me to return
affection to my husband. That is an obligatory return. Then
I'm not loving on you because I want you in
this moment. I'm loving on you purely because you just
went out of your way to do so.
Speaker 2 (20:05):
I don't want it right in that situation, I don't
want anything out of obligation from you. And I'll come
back to that real quick. I just want to say
this for those of you who are watching in Patreon,
I just posted a link in the comments to get
you to the YouTube video because there was people who
are like I can't get to the video. So in
the comments section on Patreon is a link to YouTube
(20:25):
to the video, so you guys can be a part
of the chat. And our shit just jumped up. If
you do anything for me out of obligation, it's because
you have to. There's no love or want behind it
at that way, right, That's slavery, that's my birthday, that's Christmas,
it's anniversary sex, it's I rubbed your back, now you
rub mine.
Speaker 3 (20:45):
Like.
Speaker 2 (20:45):
I don't want any of that. I want authentic, loving
compassion from my person when they want to give it
to me, because I know that it's real, right, So,
and I'm not saying that everybody is this way. This
is a me thing. So in that situation where there
is an obligation of a tit for tat, I don't
want it. Just let me love on you, right, and
then when I got my phill, I can move on.
(21:07):
And when you want to express that you can and great,
you know.
Speaker 3 (21:12):
Right, and like you said, get your fill you Loving
up on me is not just about filling my cup. No,
there's an energy exchange there. There is a give and
a receive, and there's always appreciation in the moments when
that's given. Fuck it, I'm gonna say it. It may sell
them selfish. When I love up on you, it is
(21:33):
a little bit of a selfish thing.
Speaker 2 (21:35):
I want to touch you. You're you're my man.
Speaker 3 (21:37):
Are you fucking kidding me? Look your biceps and suck
your toes whatever, I.
Speaker 2 (21:42):
Don't know, whatever you let me do.
Speaker 3 (21:45):
Let me get in that whole punch in the back
of your ear.
Speaker 2 (21:48):
And God, that sound would be so bad.
Speaker 3 (21:53):
I I know that it makes you feel good to
have that kind of attention, absolutely right.
Speaker 2 (21:57):
That's me being goofy.
Speaker 3 (21:58):
I do other things, but it is very much a
I'm doing this because loving on you makes me feel
good because I know it makes you feel good right
when it's removed, and it's a I wish he was
more affectionate, especially when I have been trying to do
that myself. Like I said, it depends on how this
(22:19):
was written, because if this is a I'm dropping hints,
this is what I'm talking about. If you're dropping hints
to circle back to what I said at the beginning,
that's a problem. If you're having conversations of hey, babe,
I'm trying to be more affectionate. I would appreciate it
if you chipped in a little bit. However, however, I
didn't put much thought into that.
Speaker 2 (22:38):
Okay, so let me take over. Okay, delightful In that situation,
I'm I'm trying to be more affectionate. I would like
you to reciprocate that. What you're really saying is is
we're in the roommate phase right now. Our sex has
gone down, the intimacy has decreased, and I am feeling
disconnected from you. That's what you're really trying to get at.
So why don't you just fucking say that? Yeah, but
(23:00):
instead of playing verbal tag and hoping that somebody gets
the fucking hit of what's going on?
Speaker 3 (23:03):
Perfect?
Speaker 2 (23:04):
Yeah, say what you mean and mean what you say.
Speaker 3 (23:07):
Yeah, you kissed my hand the other day and I
looked you in the face and said, do that more?
Speaker 2 (23:10):
Right?
Speaker 3 (23:11):
Like it?
Speaker 2 (23:14):
I like that.
Speaker 1 (23:15):
I don't know.
Speaker 3 (23:15):
You can also say something dirty. I know my man
likes it when I say dirty things. Yeah, so I
don't know. Give it a try.
Speaker 2 (23:24):
There's some things that's not for the podcast. Yes, that
was one of those thoughts. I felt that thought. I
can give you a dummy down version of it. Have
you ever heard the phrase a lady in the streets
put a horn in the sheets. Yes, that's what I want.
I want you to be the prim and proper, fucking
(23:45):
dignified woman that everybody looks up to. But in the bedroom,
I want you to be in my porn star. Let's go,
and that's that's our life. So that's fucking go me
fucking high five myself. I like it when you brag
on me. That's why it's supposed to be though, right,
Like you want your person to be fucking primal, like
(24:06):
right savagery. When it comes to that kind of shit
that we all want that, at least I think we
all want that. There might be people out there who
are like, oh no, don't I don't know weirdos.
Speaker 3 (24:15):
Oh maybe.
Speaker 2 (24:21):
Yep, Okay, let's get back to it, Okay.
Speaker 3 (24:24):
I I want him to want me to be around.
I can't fucking focus. I want him to want me
just to be around and not expect anything sexual from it.
I think that is a valid request.
Speaker 2 (24:42):
Yeah. Absolutely. I mean your person should be your best friend.
Speaker 3 (24:46):
Right, not just a sexual object.
Speaker 2 (24:48):
Right.
Speaker 3 (24:49):
He makes me feel like a piece of meat, and
the way he will grop me and I have had
conversations about how this makes me feel multiple times over
the last couple of years. Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay,
So right, I have to google something.
Speaker 2 (25:06):
Okay, this triggered a thought in me, So can I
talk while you google?
Speaker 3 (25:09):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (25:10):
When we were at the Airbnb this weekend, while we
were in the medicine, there was a robot thing that
showed up on television that I didn't see because I
was communicating with the universe in the moment and the
world didn't exist to me. And I heard about it
after the fact, and the conversation was between you and
(25:31):
And I'm not going to say people's names just because
I don't think I should. But you and another young
lady that was there, we're having a conversation about how
the robot was overly sexualized, and during the watching it,
you guys were like, damn, even in the future, robots
are being sexualized by man, and I was like, or
A different perspective is when a man thinks of femininity,
(25:51):
we think a flowy, curvy movement, soft, dainty, and we
don't know how to show that because we don't have
that feminine side. And there was a whole lst conversation
about all of that. The reason that that came to
mind is because the way that I view the groping
and the rough grabbing and all of that is a possessiveness.
(26:14):
It is a way that I show my affection to you.
And it's not only that I will absolutely get very
soft with you and gently touch you and hold your
feet and do all the things that I know you love.
But going back to that primal statement, when I grab
you or I smack your ass, that's like an aggressive
love moment for me. That's not a how do I
(26:35):
wordy that, that's not a that that's primal like, it's
in that moment I'm seeing them hips and I'm like,
you know what I mean, like right, And that's how
it's supposed to feel, because in that moment, that's all
that matters to me. So you can't say that that's
the way he views things or he only wants it
(26:57):
because he does that. There are other things that men
do to show that we appreciate and want you, like
paying bills or killing snakes or whatever it is that
we know that we need to do to make you
feel safe, secure and happy. But there is that other
side of us. We are very rough, primal creatures. Like
that's just nature. I don't know.
Speaker 3 (27:17):
I think women are rough, primal creatures too.
Speaker 2 (27:20):
That one's not according to that email.
Speaker 3 (27:23):
Okay, that's true. I like it when you make me
feel sexy. You're my husband, period. That's the context I'm
speaking in. When you smack my ass, I know it's
a primal thing, and that reaffirms in me that I
am taking care of myself in a way to present
(27:45):
myself to be pleasurable for you, right eye, Candy, right,
And that does it for me. It's not just my
body that you're attracted to, it's the essence of me
in this body as a whole primal thing for me.
Speaker 2 (28:00):
Trying not to go down a whole ass rabbit hole
of the divine feminine and sacred masculine right now. Yeah,
I've been really on that shit for like a month. Yeah,
I'm not there.
Speaker 3 (28:09):
So so I'm gonna read this sentence one more time
and then I'm going to read the definition from Google
AI in the physical context of what groping means. Okay,
so she wrote, he makes me feel like a piece
of meat and the way that he will grope me.
So the definition is to fondle or handle another person's
(28:29):
body in a sexual way, particularly when the touching is
unwanted and non consensual. This is a form of sexual
assault or harassment. So are you meaning to say that
your husband is sexually assaulting you? Because that is how
I'm taking that, because that is the word that you
decided to use. If you mean that he is smacking
your ass when he walks by in the kitchen, or
(28:50):
he's coming up behind you while you're cooking and kissing
your neck and he fondles your breasts for us, that
same exact motion, that same insact interaction is a moment
of intimacy, and it's a quick way for us to
connect an eye, just for us. We only get to
do this to each other and together, and we don't
(29:13):
get to have sex every single day.
Speaker 2 (29:15):
Right, it's not possible, but I can damn sure to
make you come in a kitchen in less than two
minutes to go about my fucking life. Right, So, like
that's the thing. I wasn't going there with that, But
are true though, Like yeah, and so from her verbiage,
if you were like, why do you always grope me
like that? And I stop doing it? All of those
fun moments where I rub up on you or we
end up dancing, or I make you come in the
(29:37):
kitchen while you're cooking dinner and go about our fucking
day until dinner's ready, that would stop, right, We would
one hundred percent be in the roommate phase and our
physical intimacy would decrease by like ninety percent. Right, you
are a piece of meat. You are the fucking greatest
waygo marbled, fucking piece of steak I can ever get
and it never goes away. Yeah, I get daddy by
(30:02):
not liking food. God damn it. Like, let's go, this
is perception versus reality. Yeah, yeah, quit smile on you, pervert.
Speaker 3 (30:18):
That was pretty accurate. That was accurate. I was going
to combat that and pretend to be offended, but yeah,
you're right, I'm nasty as fuck.
Speaker 2 (30:31):
I get it, and I hope that wasn't too vulgar
for you guys. I'm sorry if that was a little
bit too much information, but that is the reality of
things right now.
Speaker 3 (30:41):
If your husband is actually sexually assaulting you and you
have told him to stop sexually assaulting you, you need
to get the police involved, you need to get out
of that house, and you need to divorce him.
Speaker 2 (30:50):
I don't think that's what's happening, though I agree.
Speaker 3 (30:52):
I think that that was a demonizing word to use
to make him look bad.
Speaker 2 (30:57):
I actually think the same thing. I think that she
wants to be romanced, right, and she doesn't view that
as romanced. And I understand that there there are different
needs in different times to create different experiences in the
human experience. But sometimes that could be romance. So if
you allow it, that could be some nasty fucking like
and like you could rekindle some a whole lot of
(31:19):
shit there. But there's nothing wrong with buying chocolates and
having having other intimate moments as well. You know what
I mean, like doing over there you, I'm doing you mentally.
Fuck yeah, y'all.
Speaker 3 (31:37):
I just want to take a second for everybody who's
listening right now. We are currently live for our patreon
and there are some things that have been left in
imagine what's been left out right. If you would like
to see all of the behind the scenes, join our
patreon patreon dot com for slash to be better. Quick
shout out to soul Story. I'm trying. I'm trying not
(31:59):
to say real name. I want to say it's soul Story.
But I saw her hyping up you hyping me up. Yeah,
soul Story. I appreciate that. Like girl to girl, thank
you for seeing that. I'm happy.
Speaker 2 (32:14):
We really do have one of the coolest communities I've
ever been a part of. Yeah, and real shit like
I pay for I think five discords, five patreons right on,
four four patreons right now. So I'm a member of
a lot of other communities that I gain knowledge from,
but none of them have a community like we have.
Like the Discords in there are normally dead, they're not active.
Are Discord's fucking thriving? Yes, there's not a lot of
(32:34):
discords where people play video games with their their patrons
like that. It's just not I don't know. We have
a very unique situation. It's really fucking cool Petrov are
trying to get her mind out of the gut or
by pedaling Patreon, I see what you did there.
Speaker 3 (32:47):
Yeah, it's like thinking about Grandma to get rid of
the boner.
Speaker 2 (32:50):
That's funny.
Speaker 3 (32:56):
I've had multiple conversations about how the groping makes me
feel more multiple times over the last couple of years.
He tells me that's just how he is when he
is showing his affection. I feel like everything that you
have said up until this point kind of adds validity
to that. Is how men show their affection.
Speaker 2 (33:14):
It is okay, it is and we can we can
even take the sexual aspect away from this. You look
at any teenage boy and the way they are with
their friends. They hit each other. Yeah, they roast each
other like they're shit talking. They'll hide shit from each
other and be dicks to each other.
Speaker 3 (33:34):
Like, take it even further, they act that way with
their sisters.
Speaker 2 (33:37):
Yeah, that's that is how we show like it's an
aggressive thing and this this real shit. This actually stems
down from lack of emotional intelligence. Yeah, and poor parenting,
because if parents taught young men how to emotionally regulate
and describe what they're feeling, they wouldn't do that shit
to that degree. They would save the physical aggression for
(33:59):
physical aggression, and they would be able to articulate their
love and compassion in other ways or be playful. But
because they don't know how to do that, it always
goes back to wrestling and doing those things. So for
him to do that, maybe that is just how he
shows affection. But I'm also willing to bet he does
a whole lot of other things I agree, like making
sure your fucking oil has changed, or you know, if
you freaking start screaming because there's a spider in the
(34:21):
bathroom and he goes and gets a spider.
Speaker 3 (34:22):
Out of there, keeping you safe in public.
Speaker 2 (34:25):
It could be a whole lot of things.
Speaker 3 (34:27):
I also want to go back to the boy aggression
between boys and the nextending to the sisters.
Speaker 2 (34:34):
I have a son.
Speaker 3 (34:36):
The amount of times this little seven year old ball
of boy energy house a run up to me and
punch me in my thighs, hit me with like a
superman pos and just run.
Speaker 2 (34:47):
Away like that. That is his affection.
Speaker 3 (34:50):
I'm thinking of you right now in the moment, Mommy,
I'm having a blast and playing. You're in my little
world right now and now I'm gone.
Speaker 2 (34:55):
Yep. Yeah, they get a step further. The way that
men connect with their children is through wrestling.
Speaker 3 (35:01):
Yes, it is playtime. That is actually that was scientifically proven.
It is that male bonding with their children is through playtime, wrestling,
cute aggression.
Speaker 2 (35:11):
It absolutely is. And you can see it with me
a little man because every time I fuck with him,
it's the highlight of his day because I don't always
have the time to do it right. So like in
that world, I get to come out of my adult
pops world and into a little man's world and we
get to play and have fun for a little while
his cup gets filled. We bond over that. People really
need to fucking research the other side of the aisle.
Speaker 3 (35:35):
Yes, men are from Mars, Women Are from Venus is
a very good book. Yeah, very good. Way to the
way that he creates it is there's the Martians and
the Venetians and the way that he separates them and
almost creates this ultimate reality where the genders are these
two different species helps put things into perspectives and see
(35:58):
things differently from the other polarity.
Speaker 2 (36:01):
Yep, look at me sliding words in there like that.
Speaker 3 (36:06):
I want him to not make me feel like I'm
supposed to be a housewife in the fifties.
Speaker 2 (36:10):
What's wrong with being a housewife from the fifties. It's
wrong in being a housewife period.
Speaker 3 (36:15):
I want to know what she means by that.
Speaker 2 (36:17):
I'm sure she'll tell us.
Speaker 3 (36:18):
He wants me to practically be one, But I too
have a full time job that can be stressful. Okay,
so what does a housewife in the fifties looks like
to you?
Speaker 2 (36:28):
Right?
Speaker 3 (36:29):
And that offends me a little bit. I bet it does, right,
because I recognize that I say right as a way
to pause so I can get my shit together before
I'm talking. Right.
Speaker 2 (36:42):
Right, I just did it again.
Speaker 3 (36:45):
I take a lot of pride in my contribution that
I do in the household and being a housewife. And
I am still, I mean technically not a housewife because
we are I'm working, and I'm an entrepreneur, and I
have all of these things going on. I work from home, right,
We travel sometimes, but home base is where we are,
(37:06):
so I do classify myself still as the housewife, working
from home, maintaining everything, creating my own schedule.
Speaker 2 (37:13):
I still view you as a stay at home Oh
that makes me feel good. I really do. Like I know, Okay,
well this is a side rail. I don't care. Okay,
Yes you record podcasts, and yes you have your women's group,
and yes you're writing a book and you have all
these side projects that you do. You are a mother
and a wife before everything. Yeah, and that's not ever
(37:34):
been compromised because of the podcast or because of work
or as traveling or whatever the case may be.
Speaker 1 (37:40):
You have.
Speaker 2 (37:41):
You don't have a forty hour work week in terms
of work anymore. If you are working forty to sixty
hours a week and still doing all the mom and
wife and home life stuff, I can see how that
would be a different conversation. But I still very much
view you as a stay at home wife. You don't
handle the finances. No, you don't handle your car stuff
like I handle ninety percent of our life. You handle
(38:04):
the things that you are coaching other women on, and
you run our home. And this is this does tie
into the experience that we had over the weekend. Like
I really do view our existence together inside of this
domain as your space. And I wouldn't be able to
live the life that we live together and do the
things that I do for you if you didn't do
(38:26):
all of these other things. So like that whole, I
don't want to be treated like a fifties housewife. Like, bro,
I have a good fucking life. What do you mean? Right? Yeah,
I know a lot of people who would love, absolutely
love to be treated the way that you're treated. And
I treat you like a housewife?
Speaker 3 (38:44):
Now, are you throwing in the fifties because he's abusive?
That's the only thing my mind correlates to the fifties.
Speaker 2 (38:50):
Is that wasn't always the case though, No, it wasn't.
Speaker 3 (38:53):
But with the verb is that she's been using to
demonize him and make him look bad.
Speaker 2 (38:57):
That's where my mind's going to.
Speaker 3 (38:58):
Because feminists will go back to, well, in the forties
and fifties, women were forced to be home and be
beat and they couldn't divorce their husbands and all those
kinds of things.
Speaker 2 (39:06):
Yeah, that's not necessarily true though, that's just a narrative.
Speaker 3 (39:10):
Right, No, I agree. I'm just trying to decipher as
to why that's such a negative thing. Yet to him,
my job is easy and I shouldn't be stressed out. Oh,
I wonder what your job is. I wonder what his
job is. He expects me to do too much, and
it breaks me down when I do some of the
things and he doesn't do anything to help keep things
(39:32):
the way they are.
Speaker 2 (39:34):
This is a very You're saying so much, but you're.
Speaker 3 (39:36):
Saying nothing at the same time, right, right, So what
is he asking you to do that's too much? What
is he not willing to do that's adding to your plate?
This feels like a scarecrow argument to me. Yeah right,
it's just I'm gonna blow on it, and this is
gonna fall apart because there's no true substance of what
you are talking about in the story that you're telling us.
(40:00):
He won't fold laundry, but we'll go through it in
the basket and leave it everywhere in his tornado of
looking for something.
Speaker 2 (40:08):
Okay, So, did you guys ever have a discussion that
laundry was your domain? Was that ever a thing? Or
have you just done laundry the entire time and all
of a sudden there's a problem with it, Like that's
one of those things that doesn't just happen, right, Like
when you guys first start living together and one of
you does the laundry. If somebody's the one that's always
doing it, and that becomes the normal routine, laundry is
(40:29):
your responsibility.
Speaker 3 (40:30):
M hm.
Speaker 2 (40:31):
You took that upon yourself, like real shit, that happens
a lot.
Speaker 3 (40:34):
Yeah, speak up, continuing, I feel like there's no point
in doing anything to clean up the house when he
does something like when he trims his beard and won't
clean up the hair that's all over the sink, even
when I basically plead him to clean up after himself.
Speaker 2 (40:48):
I'm going to challenge that too.
Speaker 3 (40:50):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (40:51):
I can go in my bathroom right on my side
of the bathroom right now, and there's hair all over
the place, But I still clean my hair up. Whenever
I shave my I wipe my sink out, I will
sweep the floor up. But when you're using electric clippers
and you're shaving, that goes everywhere. So unless you stop
to physically clean your entire area every time you shave
(41:13):
your face with clippers or shave your head, that's just
going to be a thing. Yeah, I know that, you
know that I clean that shit because I do it
in front of you every time. We do it, like
literally every time. But there's still hair on the sink. Yeah,
there's hair near the mirror. There's hair probably on your
side of the sink because it goes flow every time. No,
it's pretty centralized to your side. And it's not a
(41:36):
lack of cleaning. It's just that that's one of those things.
It could be a lack of cleaning effectively. But it's
clean enough that, like, I don't think about it, and
when I see it, I'll wipe it. But I guarantee
I could go in there right now and find hair
on the sink.
Speaker 3 (41:50):
Do you guys have one sinker too? Good question, because
if you have two sinks, I'll clean your sink once
a week. Outside of that, it's on you to make
sure it looks pretty. And if you don't care and
you are cool with me cleaning it once a week,
it does not bother me. I'm not using your side
of the sink. I'm not looking at it, I'm not
breathing in its direction. I Am not going to overwhelm
(42:14):
and stress myself out with perfection when in reality, hair
and the sink is not going to be the end
of the world, right, right, It's also not going to
attract bugs or roaches. It's not food sitting out, it's
not crumbs, it's not spilt milk sticky on the floor.
Speaker 2 (42:32):
I think everybody does have their own idea of what
needs to happen for cleanliness. Yeah, Like, we just were
on an airbnb for the weekend. That airbnb was not
lived in, and they have a cleaning people that come
in and clean every time somebody leaves, so it's perfect,
but no one lives in it, so there's not an
abundance of stuff. There's no Amazon packages, there's no boxes
laying around. Like, it's very different than a lived house.
(42:54):
It's not a Pinterest home right like right, the idea
like our house kind of just gonna throw you under
the bus a little bit. When we got home yesterday,
we came home to a chaotic mess. Yeah.
Speaker 3 (43:07):
I so I cleaned the house before the kids come over,
and then the house just gets a mess and I
try to spot clean, but you know, we get Amazon
packages throughout the week, and like every week there's a
reset and then at the end of the week, it's
a fucking mess again.
Speaker 2 (43:20):
Because we live here.
Speaker 3 (43:21):
Right, and we were also leaving for the weekend, and
it was between me packing and making sure I had
everything for the weekend or spending time cleaning the house.
Speaker 2 (43:29):
Before we left, right, and you kind of had a meltdown.
I did, No, I did. I did have a moult down. Well,
I wasn't gonna throw you under the bus.
Speaker 3 (43:35):
So well you just said I'm gonna throw under the bus.
Speaker 2 (43:37):
Yeah, a little bit, because I was bringing up the
fact that you were stressed out about it. None of
this matters to me. Like, we live here, and would
it be cool to not have like clutter, sure, but
we also like having the things that we have, so like,
where's the balance in that we just never buy anything
(43:57):
ever again and never leave anything out and like live
like we belong and fucking has matt suits, Like fuck that, dude.
I want to enjoy my life. Yeah, so this whole like,
are we going to really fight over hair on the sink? No? No,
we're not. Like I'll say some shit if there's there's
food left out because I refuse to live in a
(44:18):
house with bucks. That's a very different conversation, right, I
don't know. I don't get it. I really don't get it.
You fucking live in your house, right, somebody in chat
said he lived in home is way different than a
dirty home. It really fucking is. Like and so like,
pieces will do our floors a lot. We have a dog.
She brings dirt in all the time, and if I
notice dirt on the floor, I will stop what I'm
(44:40):
doing and quickly sweep the floor up because I don't
want nobody to step in that. We don't have people
over here. Carrie is literally the only person that ever
comes to our house. And like, yeah, she's not worried
about it. I'm not worried about it. So like she
wears socks right right, We're good on that. Yeah, But
if I see something on the floor as I walk by,
I'm a quick like spot clean that shit. But you
do the floor a lot, like you clean the house
(45:01):
on a weekly basis. I don't need to go and
do all of that shit. Like I could leave all
of that on the floor and it's not going to
hinder our life in any way, shape or form. It's
just a I see it, I get it kind of thing. Yeah,
I don't understand why people choose to fight. Zach said,
the hair on the sink isn't the issue. She just
does not like where her life is right now. She's
(45:22):
probably emotionally mentally exhausted. She feels unseen and unheard, and
she needs something from him. Right. We touched on that earlier.
She's not saying what she needs, She's beating around the bush.
They're not having the discussions. We touched on that right
at the very beginning of the episode.
Speaker 3 (45:37):
Yes, it also just dawned on me that this feels nitpicky.
So I'm gonna go back and read he won't fold
the laundry, but we'll go through it in the basket
and leave it everywhere in his tornado of looking for something.
I feel there's no point in doing anything to clean
because he trims his beard and won't clean the hair.
He won't even offer to help me with the house chores.
(45:57):
But we'll surely bring up the like three times he
has clean in the past almost five months of living
together or five years.
Speaker 2 (46:05):
I apologize, he will surely.
Speaker 3 (46:07):
Bring up the like three times he has clean in
the past almost five years of living together, and that
apparently just trumps everything that I have done in the
last almost five years.
Speaker 2 (46:17):
Keeping score.
Speaker 3 (46:19):
Okay, so how did we go from can you help
me fold the laundry too? Well, I did the laundry
last last September. Well, fuck you, I do the laundry
every single day.
Speaker 2 (46:34):
You know, she didn't bring up what cooking and dishes?
Wonder who does that?
Speaker 3 (46:37):
Oh that's a good Oh that's the next thing.
Speaker 2 (46:40):
Oh did you bring up car maintenance? We'll see, babe,
bill pay.
Speaker 3 (46:44):
We'll see. I don't know. He won't even offer to
help me with the house chores. But what does he
do when you say, babe, can you help me with
the house chores?
Speaker 2 (46:54):
Right?
Speaker 3 (46:55):
So, you are looking for this man to just read
your mind and wait on you hand and foot like
you just want to be taken care of. That's what
I'm getting from this. At this point, you don't want
to have to say anything. You don't want to have
to verbalize what you're looking for. You want him to
just look at you, know what you need in the moment,
and tend to it. You know, the laundry is not done,
(47:18):
but you're not going to do it until I say, hey, babe,
can you go get the laundry done? Because I do
the laundry. I do the dishes. You know there's dishes
in the sink. But you're not going to touch the
dishes in the sink until I say, hey, babe, I'm busy.
Would you mind tossing everything in the dishwasher?
Speaker 2 (47:31):
You're right on the sink aspect. I tried to do
the laundry for you and I got a trouble, That's true.
I do have to ask for help.
Speaker 3 (47:39):
More on that though.
Speaker 2 (47:40):
Yeah, yeah, I don't mind doing laundry, right, you know,
as long as I have to fold it and put
it away. Getting the machine is easy. Yeah, I don't know.
This is one of those things. Yes, Jenna, she does work.
She has a full time job. She says, this is
one of those things though that like, you're right, if
she has to add it shouldn't be a problem, right,
(48:01):
Squeaky wheel gets the grease. If you need something, you
should speak up. Is there a true unbalanced division of labor,
because I'm willing to bet that there's not. I'm willing
to bet there's a whole lot of things that he
does that gets overlooked because that's his responsibility and he
just does them in silence, just like he probably assumes
laundry and the you know, cleaning is her thing. M
(48:25):
so you said that cooking thing was next.
Speaker 3 (48:27):
Yep, I am the only cook in the house. I've
had my brother over for dinner before and had had
to ask him to grill the steaks because I am
not the greatest on the grill. Yet I will gladly
in parentheses make a plate for my husband if I
am making one for myself as well.
Speaker 2 (48:43):
Only if you're making one for yourself though, Right, So
you're only doing it out of convenience when you're up
there for you, Right, So you don't serve your husband, right,
and you expect him to serve you. Right, Okay, even
if I'm not eating, I will get up and make
your plate and make sure you have everything that you need.
Speaker 3 (48:58):
To be fed.
Speaker 2 (48:59):
Right. We take care of your each other.
Speaker 3 (49:00):
Right, Continuing, If I make dinner and he doesn't make
it home until later, he will expect me to just
get up and make him a plate.
Speaker 2 (49:07):
Pause. Zach said this this is not my statement, but
I'm going to say it. If you guys are going
to write in about a division of labor, I want
a list of what jobs is who's mmmm and I
want like a true list, right, And this will actually
help you guys in your marriage to know whose jobs
are what, because it'll show a clear unbalance when you
(49:28):
write all this out. But I want a list of
all the things that she does and all the things
that he does, and don't don't try to like skimp
because if you leave things out, I'm good. Like the name.
I'm going to assume that it's his job. Yes, yeah.
Speaker 3 (49:39):
If I make dinner and he doesn't make it home
until later, he will expect me to just get up
and make him a plate.
Speaker 2 (49:45):
I would expect a plate to be made before I
got home.
Speaker 3 (49:49):
Your plate always is right, and it's wrapped in tenfoil,
and it's sitting in the microwave, and I am watching
for you to get home so I can make sure
that before you even say foot in the house, the
microwaves going forty five seconds. I'm gonna come give you
a kiss. Baby. Your dinner's gonna be ready in a second.
Speaker 2 (50:06):
It's love that makes me feel loved.
Speaker 3 (50:09):
I don't care how late you could be getting home
at midnight. If you are out working your ass off
to provide for our household and you're getting home at midnight,
I'm setting an alarm for eleven thirty. I don't care
if I have to be up at five o'clock in
the morning to get the kids ready for school, I'm
taking that time to make sure that you're taking care
of At the end of your workday, I can go
back to bed.
Speaker 2 (50:29):
It's a whole lot of men out there who refuse
to work. Yeah, a whole lot of men out there
who don't want to hold down a job, that don't
want to go sweat outside and don't want to do
the hard things because they'd rather be fucking lazy and
have their women support them financially.
Speaker 3 (50:42):
Yeah, and I can. I can feel it now. Well,
she works a full time job. I've worked a full
time job, and I have done things like that for you. Yeah,
I am willing to put myself in uncomfortable positions. Waking
up at eleven thirty at night is an uncomfortable thing
to do. People will go as far to say, oh,
you're gonna have sex with him when you don't want to.
(51:02):
That's not what I'm talking about, right quick, going to extremes,
we can have a conversation about loving somebody and being
a little bit selfless.
Speaker 2 (51:10):
There was a hole, there was a time where we
weren't living together, and you would still come over and
clean my place and your lunch and do my laundry
and shit, yeah there was a hole. I'm gonna take
care of this man like you showed me that wife
material before you were ever my wife. Yep. You dress
for the job you want, not the job you have. Yeah.
Speaker 3 (51:32):
If I don't, then he will just not eat for
the night, or we'll completely skip over what I made
and go straight to the pantry for snacks instead of
making himself a plate. So I'm gonna pause there. That
sounds like convenience. It's easier to go and grab the
snack than it is to take everything out of the refrigerator,
portion it onto my plate, get into the microwave. If
he's getting home later than normal, this man's fucking tired,
(51:54):
that would be the night. I'm going above and beyond
to make sure that you're fed.
Speaker 2 (51:57):
I do that shit sometimes, what do you mean, Oh,
for the snack instead of the leftovers, because it's easier.
It's easy, right, if I'm tired and I don't want
to have to make a decision or think I'm grabbing
a bag of chips out of the kid's cabinet, and
I'm fucking going to sit down on the couch and
eating fridos.
Speaker 3 (52:11):
Right, it is.
Speaker 2 (52:13):
There is a level of I'm fucking done for the day.
Speaker 3 (52:16):
Yeah, and you're not an inconvenience to me.
Speaker 2 (52:20):
We could be sitting on.
Speaker 3 (52:21):
The couch together.
Speaker 2 (52:22):
This happens all the time. Hey babe, can you go
make me a peanut butter and jelly sandwich? Done?
Speaker 3 (52:26):
Unless you beat me to it because I have to
use the bathroom.
Speaker 2 (52:29):
It happened.
Speaker 3 (52:30):
I was so mad when I rounded that corner. I
didn't see you on the couch, and I was like,
that fucker. I feel like you're depriving me of moments
to love you as your wife when you do that.
Speaker 2 (52:39):
It's funny. I was hungry, and it's not funny. It
hurts my heart.
Speaker 3 (52:43):
It makes me bleed spiritually.
Speaker 2 (52:48):
I was hungry, hungry. Just starve a little bit longer
for me. It's funny.
Speaker 3 (52:58):
And that tells me right, you're not an inconvenience to me.
I am willing anything you ask. You don't take advantage
of me, right first and foremost, you don't take advantage
of me. You know I am going to get up
and do something when you ask me to, and you
don't abuse that so when you do ask me to
do something for you, I'm going to do it. It
(53:20):
is not going to disrupt the rest of my day.
You're not fucking up my chie So hearing her say
these kinds of things, you, guys, your whole relationship is
fucked up. It's not just that he's not doing these things,
as you say, although I think that your perspective of
things is very, very skewed. Your guys' relationship has not
(53:41):
been okay for a very very long time. And it's
not just the things that he's not doing.
Speaker 2 (53:47):
I also don't make demands of you.
Speaker 3 (53:49):
No, you don't like it always.
Speaker 2 (53:50):
I know that if I was like, go make me
a sandwich, you'd go make me a sandwich. But I
don't talk to you that way. I always ask you,
will you please make me a sandwich? Or next time
you get up, can you grab me a drink? Like?
But I so do that shit for you, like if
I'm going to the kitchen, do you need anything? Like?
This is a serve each other. We are trying to
make each other's life as comfortable as possible. And if
it ever became one sided and you felt like all
(54:12):
you did was serve me, and I never served you back.
I could see how you would have a problem with that.
That's a valid fucking argument. The reality is is that's
not the case. And like in the event that this
was us, and I don't do dishes, I don't cook,
and I don't do laundry more than maybe twenty percent
(54:33):
of the year, and even that's probably pushing it. I like,
help you get the laundry to and from the laundry room. Yeah,
And like I fluff it, and I will aid in
that aspect. I do a whole lot of other shit,
like make sure that you have a phone charger, or
make sure that your oil has changed, or you know,
make sure that you get to the er when you
break your foot, make sure that your fucking meds are
(54:55):
taken care of, making sure I'm taking my meds, making
sure that you have emergency tamp in my backpack when
we travel because they don't have tampons in certain countries.
Don't tell me that I don't fucking serve you, Like right,
this is an EBB and flow and it may not
look like me cleaning the house, but you ain't gonna
ever not have feminine hygiene products. I'll keep that shit
in my backpack if I have to, don't give a fuck,
(55:15):
right right like so perspective, Yeah, I don't get it.
I don't get it.
Speaker 3 (55:23):
I am the only one who does dishes. He will
deliberately wait for me to get up with my plate
to have me take his for either more food or
he's done.
Speaker 2 (55:33):
He don't ever take your plate away, Like he's never
taken your plate away and just got up and grabbed
the shit and gone. I don't believe that never.
Speaker 3 (55:42):
I would like an answer to that. Yeah, I'm the
emails wrapping up, but I want to say this before
I lose my thought. Are you the woman who's worthy
of receiving the things that you are asking for of
this man?
Speaker 2 (55:56):
Oh?
Speaker 3 (55:57):
Are you a bitch? Do you undermine his feelings? Do
you question his leadership? Do you put him down? Do
you call him names? Do you yell at him in arguments?
Do you always come out on top? Do you spend
whatever you want? Do you not care about finances? There
(56:18):
was so much of his perspective that lacking in this.
I do not believe that majority of men are just
pieces of shit? Do I think that there is a
small majority of humanity including both genders out there who
are just fucked up beings who will do things because
it makes them feel good, regardless of what it, oh
excuse me, does to the people around them. Yes, do
(56:40):
I think that this man is that way? No? I
believe after six years, this man's fucking tired, the same
way this emailer is saying that she's tired.
Speaker 2 (56:51):
And if he did everything that she wanted him to do,
would that fix the intimacy in their marriage?
Speaker 3 (56:56):
Right?
Speaker 2 (56:57):
What would that change? Other than you would have somebody
to clean up the hair, You'd have somebody help you
with chores. You'd have a roommate. Right, you wouldn't have
a husband, You'd have a roommate.
Speaker 3 (57:07):
There is so much more, But to sit here and
keep typing all of this, I would just need a
body cam just to show you a day or two
in my life. I feel like he is deliberately pushing
me away so he won't be the bad guy if
anything ever happens, because I feel like I'm about to crack.
I would believe it feels like he's pushing you away.
I believe that it's different from what you're seeing.
Speaker 2 (57:28):
Though, Why do you say that?
Speaker 3 (57:31):
Because if she thinks that she is the victim of
all of this, and he's pushing her away just to
make her look like the bad guy. She is completely
negating every experience he's ever had in their relationship. He
couldn't possibly be distancinghi self because he doesn't feel like
a person in this relationship. It couldn't be that he
doesn't feel heard, or that he doesn't feel understood, or
(57:52):
that he feels like every time something's brought to him
he's being attacked.
Speaker 2 (57:56):
We see that a lot. Yeah, with all the couples
retreats that we've done like that, that has been a underlying,
repetitive thing where people have been at odds and attacking
each other because they refuse to see what their partner's
actually doing.
Speaker 3 (58:09):
Yes, yeah, I would also say that her behaviors are
also pushing away knowing that he's coming home late at
night and not trying to help put his plate together.
Speaker 2 (58:19):
In my mind, that's distancing. Yeah.
Speaker 3 (58:22):
You should want to greet your man lovingly and warmly
and have his food ready for him.
Speaker 2 (58:29):
I would feel a certain kind of way if I
came home super late and you were in bed, and
I didn't have a plate in the microhon all lights
were off, in the house even that, Like so once
in a while that wouldn't fuck with me. But like
if that was a norm, if I came home and
all lights were off and there was no plate in
the microwave and you were sleeping and that was my routine,
that would destroy me.
Speaker 3 (58:48):
It's like, you're a fucking ghost, right.
Speaker 2 (58:50):
Why am I doing this? But like once in a
while it wouldn't bother me. But like coming home in
there never being a plate in the microwave with like
ready to go for me to just hit one fucking
eat and go to bed, that that would that would
bother me. The other way around, coming home and you
never being awake for any of it would really fucking
bother me. I Like, granted we we personally don't do that.
(59:11):
We don't try to ever go to bed without each other.
There have been a couple of times where like something
has happened where one of us has been out later
than the other. I always try to wait up. I'm
sometimes I'll fall asleep, like watching TV and bed or whatever,
but like I do try to stay awake. I don't
want to not hear about your night. I don't want
to miss a phone call in case of a fucking emergency.
(59:34):
Like I understand that that's that's our existence, and that
there are people out there who work late and that's
just the way that they live their lives. But I
still I don't, I couldn't do it. Is that the
end of the email?
Speaker 3 (59:47):
No, Okay, you ready continue? He has even brought up
thinking about separating from me a few months ago when
we were fighting, and that has been heavy on me
ever since.
Speaker 2 (59:58):
So there's some truth in that, Yeah, there is. So
now we find out that they're actually fighting on a
regular basis, right yep, to the point where he's actually
considering leaving.
Speaker 3 (01:00:08):
And that says a lot because she hasn't said that
in this email. She's just upset at him. She hasn't
said she's wanted to leave, right.
Speaker 2 (01:00:16):
I wonder what his side of things looks like.
Speaker 3 (01:00:18):
Yeah, you can't just say something like that, cheer wife
and not expect it to weigh heavy on her. For
a long time, my depression has been bad and I
am not motivated. And we had the last spat about
the kids thing a week ago. I pretty much told
him that if he doesn't want kids, and there is
no reason for us to be together, anymore, And that
was when he knew I was upset. Now he is
(01:00:39):
trying to play nice and is constantly asking me what's
wrong and trying to be sweet to not sound like
the bad guy, and I feel like he is manipulating
me all the time to make me feel bad or
everything for everything, or make me feel like it's my fault.
Speaker 2 (01:00:52):
Okay, No, you have to back up. There's so much
that we have to pick a part in that. They
had an argument about the kid thing. What did he
say after that? What did you say after that?
Speaker 3 (01:01:06):
The last thing was I pretty much told him that
if he doesn't want kids, and there's no reason for
us to be together anymore. And that was when he knew.
Speaker 2 (01:01:13):
I was upset, Okay, And then.
Speaker 3 (01:01:16):
Now he is trying to play nice and is constantly
asking me what's wrong in trying to be sweet not
sound like the bad guy, and I feel like he
is manipulating me.
Speaker 2 (01:01:24):
That's she, She just ran right over that whole thing.
Speaker 3 (01:01:27):
Right.
Speaker 2 (01:01:28):
The reality is is he sees that the relationship is
fucked up.
Speaker 3 (01:01:31):
He's giving you what you fucking want.
Speaker 2 (01:01:32):
Right, He's trying to fix things, and you're overlooking at
his manipulating Right, and you're looking at it. Maybe he
is manipulating you, right, We don't know. But the reality
is is you said that he realized that you were unhappy,
and now he's constantly asking you what's wrong and is
trying to talk to you to fix the shit.
Speaker 3 (01:01:50):
Acting sweetly. And I feel like he is manipulating me
all the time to make me feel bad for everything
or make me feel like it's my fault. Just because
you feel that way doesn't mean it's reality, right. We
need examples of what is being said and not just
what you heard. What did the person say to you
to make you feel that way? And you're only feeling
(01:02:11):
a certain way because of the emotional connection you have
to the situation. Your feelings are not facts. The way
you feel about the situation is not the truth of
the situation. It's just the way your body and your
your mind is reacting to what's going on. All of
that goes through is cognitive bias, your traumas, your triggers,
your past experiences. There is not a single eyewitness accounts
(01:02:35):
that I fully believe to be the truth.
Speaker 2 (01:02:37):
Well right, and in a situation of a marriage that
one experience at most as half of the experience. The
reality is is it's probably only a.
Speaker 3 (01:02:46):
Third, right, because there's the other hers.
Speaker 2 (01:02:48):
In the truth and the truth right. The kid then
got brought back up and somebody in the chat had
mentioned it to you really want to have kids with
somebody that you don't like, Like, you're seven years into
this marriage and you guys can't get along in your
depressed and you think he's a piece of shit man, right,
and you want to fucking birth the child with him.
Why so you guys can get divorced and then you
can be like he's a piece of shit father, Like.
Speaker 3 (01:03:10):
Right, fuck up the kid's life too. I really do
love him with all of my heart, but at this
point I don't think we are good for each other
in the long run, because these so called little things
are not something I think I can deal with for
the rest of my life.
Speaker 2 (01:03:25):
They're so called little things are little things. And if
you want a kid, I got news for you. You better
get used to cleaning up after another human being. Oh yeah,
and I don't give a shit that you're working a
full time job, because kids are are a fucking hurricane
and every room that they're in constantly.
Speaker 3 (01:03:41):
Parenthood is so much harder than marriage.
Speaker 2 (01:03:42):
Right until they're old enough to value cleanliness. You don't
give a fuck about any of that. Our kids will
literally lay on on crummy food and fall asleep.
Speaker 3 (01:03:51):
Yes, the amount of ritz cracker sleeves I've found hidden
in our son's bed.
Speaker 2 (01:03:56):
Right, zero fucks are given dinosaur toys, legos, fucking straws,
clothes hangers, socks.
Speaker 3 (01:04:05):
Those kids will fall asleep with food on their face
if I didn't tell them to go wash it.
Speaker 2 (01:04:08):
Right, Like somebody said, hair bothers, you wait until there's
a banana smashed into the couch. You are not wrong.
You are not fucking wrong. Was that the end of
the email?
Speaker 3 (01:04:19):
That was the end of it? Do you want to
do another one?
Speaker 2 (01:04:21):
Um? I feel like that was probably way more productive
than the first email we read. I feel good about
that email. The first one that we did earlier today
I did not feel good about.
Speaker 3 (01:04:30):
I agree.
Speaker 2 (01:04:31):
I think we should do another one, and in worst
case scenario, we can drop that other one is bonus
content if we use it. How long have we been
on hour and fifteen minutes? Yeah, let's do one more.
Let's pick another one out of that folder.
Speaker 3 (01:04:43):
What conversations should we have before children. Oh, this is
a theme. I didn't see the rest of the sentence.
Speaker 2 (01:04:49):
Happy accident. Let's go fuck it.
Speaker 3 (01:04:52):
New listener. So this is a topic that's already been
addressed in content. I haven't gotten to it yet. I apologize. Okay,
so far, I've really been enjoying your YouTube videos and
TikTok as does my boyfriend. Much of our relationships and
belief system align with yours. We are getting married next
year and plan to have a family after while, we
have discussed around what parenting would look like, how we'd
(01:05:14):
approach private versus public school discipline, et cetera. I'm curious
to hear from actual parents, like what like you, what
conversations you recommend we should be having that we may
not be thinking about yet, if it's helpful to provide
some context for our specific situation. We both plan on
continuing to work full time. To be clear, if I
(01:05:34):
told him today I no longer wanted to work, He's
already expressed he's happy, willing, and able to be a
full time provider. Though I work completely from home and
truly enjoy my work and feel strongly that I'd miss it,
which is why the plan now is to proceed into
future parenthood under the assumption that I would go back
to work after twelve weeks of maternity leave.
Speaker 2 (01:05:54):
I I'm good. I don't think that. I don't like
the two parent system work.
Speaker 3 (01:06:00):
Yeah, I don't think women understand what it means to
work as a mother until they start working as a mother, right.
Speaker 2 (01:06:07):
I If you have the ability as a woman to
stay home and raise your children, you should do You
should fucking do that, especially if you've got a man
that makes good enough money to support all of you. You. Like,
there's no greater fucking responsibility or role or anything that
children iety, right, Right, unless you're like a piece of
(01:06:28):
shit person that's gonna fucking ignore your kids and play
on TikTok all day. Like, that's a very different conversation, right.
But Like, if you plan on having children and you
want to be a.
Speaker 3 (01:06:37):
Parent, you need to step away from work, right. That's
one of those sacrifices you're gonna have to give to
have children. I understand enjoying work. I enjoy being productive,
And if you can't create your own schedule, working from
home is dope. But your kids are still gonna know O,
mommy's off limits for the next eight hours. So who's
(01:06:57):
gonna watch the kids while you're working?
Speaker 2 (01:07:00):
What grade do you think we should pull the kids
out of? Because right now, like the only thing that's
keeping me from being like fuck it, pull the kids
from school is that right now, there's still very high energy. Yes,
there's still things that they need to get from the
school system, but like by fifth grade, I don't think
they're going to be in a public school system.
Speaker 3 (01:07:16):
I think fifth gradees to cut off for right.
Speaker 2 (01:07:18):
I want them to have the playtime and to do
all that, and I want them to be able to
understand how to do their own their school work and
get old enough that we can work and they'll go
do their own thing. So for example, days where we
have to live stream, we can get up do three
hours of school and be like, all right, you guys
got a two hour break. Here's the PlayStation, here's your bikes,
here's the fod outside, here some paintball guns, whatever the
(01:07:40):
fuck you want to go do, go do that. We
need two hours. We're gonna work. Then we're gonna come
back and you're gonna work some more like and like
that needs to be a thing. I don't like the
public school system. I don't like daycares. I don't like
that people are like here, grandma, right, and I'm gonna
go away for three weeks and not see my kid anymore.
Like I understand that there are people out there who
(01:08:02):
are chasing dreams and doing things, and that kids can
sometimes be in oops. Yeah, but if in this situation
where you know that you're going to get married and
the next step is to have a family, then you
need to have conversations about what it looks like to
actually stay home and raise your child.
Speaker 3 (01:08:16):
I agree. And that doesn't mean that you can't have
your own little side business or hustle or hobbies or
whatever you want to call it. I'm doing it, and
I'm still fully present with my children.
Speaker 2 (01:08:28):
You're a really good mom. Yeah, yeah, I like so, Yes,
I know you need to hear that more, right, Like
I think every mom needs to hear that more. Your
kids love you. You guys have movie nights with popcorn, and
like you read to them every night, and you do
homework and you're still cooking for them, and you go
run bike rides and you guys found owl pellets that
(01:08:51):
turned out to be fucking turtle shit like ha ha.
But you're out there spending time with the kids. You
take them to the beach, you do sand castles, you
do all the things that parents should be doing with
their children while still holding down a job and being
a wife. You're not passing the buck off to other
people like and I.
Speaker 3 (01:09:08):
Do it because I can create my own schedule, right,
And I got myself to a point in life to
make that a thing.
Speaker 2 (01:09:13):
Yep, it's a choice. Yeah.
Speaker 3 (01:09:17):
And if your husband is fully capable of providing for
you and taking care of holding down the forward of
the household, I think a fool would not take that.
I think that you would love doing something under your
own employment so much better than working under somebody else.
Speaker 2 (01:09:31):
Absolutely build your dream in said to somebody else's way.
Speaker 3 (01:09:33):
Right, you could be doing exactly what you're doing on
your own, making more than what you're doing.
Speaker 2 (01:09:38):
Was that the end of the email. It's not okay,
all right, I'm not trying to rush you. I was
just curious because there was questions that they.
Speaker 3 (01:09:45):
Asked, continuing, he has a firefighter with four days on,
four days off schedule. After talking with my mother, we're
comfortable with him handling childcare while I would be Monday
through Friday while he has his days off, obviously ever
having time to come home home and sleep after his
long shifts. My mom will come and stay with us
to provide childcare on days we're both working.
Speaker 2 (01:10:07):
So what happens when mom doesn't do that?
Speaker 3 (01:10:10):
What happened when Mom's sick? What happens when the baby
gets sick and Mom can't come over because she may
have improvide.
Speaker 2 (01:10:17):
A Weegan immune system, a Weegan immune system, or whatever
the case may be.
Speaker 3 (01:10:20):
Right, You cannot rely on other people to make your
life work. Yes, mom is all about it, she's excited
about the grand baby. She is not going to be
able to be there every single time, every single day.
Speaker 2 (01:10:31):
It's a reality. It is a reality.
Speaker 3 (01:10:34):
I think a lot of people going into parenthood are
very naive of what parenthood demands of you.
Speaker 2 (01:10:40):
I agree with that one hundred percent. I had it.
My firstborn was born when I was I was a minor. Still, like,
I fucking get it. I thought I knew a whole
lot of shit I didn't know. Yeah, I was wrong
as fuck. That that's the reality of it. You can't
rely on other people to raise your child like this
is a you responsibility as you bring this child into
(01:11:02):
the world, and there are a whole lot of people
out there that will step up and help, but you
can't demand it of them. And that's the reality of it.
What's that face for?
Speaker 3 (01:11:10):
Because she just said at this point, we're thinking we'll
try public school if it feels right at the time,
But right now things are looking real homeschoolish.
Speaker 2 (01:11:17):
How are you going to do that if you're working
full time.
Speaker 3 (01:11:19):
The only thing that comes to my mind is, so
now you're going to have mom also homeschool the children
while you're doing that. Like I am all about having
a village and being supportive, you don't need it. You
could be doing all of this for your children right now.
At this point, I'm viewing like you want your career
more than you want motherhood, right, And that's okay. It's
(01:11:39):
fucked up for you to bring children into this world
to have them raised by grandma.
Speaker 2 (01:11:43):
I agree.
Speaker 3 (01:11:44):
And your children are going to miss out on a
lot of you because you're being selfish and deciding to
go forward with the career. And I'm not saying you
can't have both. You can certainly have both, but one
of them is going to have to give.
Speaker 2 (01:11:55):
Yeah, one will be a priority.
Speaker 3 (01:11:56):
One will be a priority, and the children will feel
that whether that it's them or not.
Speaker 2 (01:12:02):
There's not been any real questions about the life experience though.
Well I don't know.
Speaker 3 (01:12:07):
We'll see, okay, but right now things are looking real
homeschoolish at least while our kids are young and impressionable. Fortunately,
my mom is a retired teacher who could provide this support.
Sorry if this context was more of a new sense,
but I've heard you say it's helpful for relationship questions,
so I thought it might be helpful here too.
Speaker 2 (01:12:25):
Yeah, this is a great conversation piece, but you're missing
out a whole lot of things, and you're relying on
your mom to raise your child, is what it sounds like.
Somebody in the chest said, what if your kid is
special needs?
Speaker 3 (01:12:36):
Right?
Speaker 2 (01:12:36):
And what are you going to do? Right? Because if
they require you to quit your job and be there
full time because your kid is maybe nonverbal, autistic, or
like angel men syndrome, right, it could be a whole
lot of things that could require you to quit your job.
Or are you going to be resentful that you decided
to have a kid and that your husband still gets
to go to work. And doesn't have to be their
first time because we've got those emails.
Speaker 3 (01:12:54):
We do.
Speaker 2 (01:12:56):
But so let's talk about some of the other questions
that should be asked. It's like discipline, religion, diet, holidays, holidays, Right,
there's a whole lot of other questions that need to
be talked about when kids come up. How about what
if there's a are we going to breastfeeder formula? How
are we going to pay for that formula? What if
(01:13:16):
there's a premature child in that formula? Is eighty dollars
a can? I understand he's a firefighter, but how is
that going to get taken care of? Right?
Speaker 3 (01:13:24):
Like, I didn't plan on spending eighty dollars a bottle
of formula, but I had to, right, so I brought
it up right, So this is the end. Apparently there's
an update, So this is the final sentence to the
first half of it. Thanks in advance for any insight
you can provide, looking forward to continue binging your content. Okay,
so with just based on what you have provided in
(01:13:46):
the conversations you've had with your husband about parenthood, I'm
taking away you're either very young or have not done
enough research. If you guys are into your your thirties,
mid thirties, and your you are not fully comprehensive of
what parenthood is demanding of you. I'm blown away because
you've only had two conversations, you working and then mom
(01:14:10):
watching the children and maybe homeschooling. Right.
Speaker 2 (01:14:12):
Well, see now you brought in the thirties. The older
you get, the more chance of birth effects. There are correct,
your great up right?
Speaker 3 (01:14:20):
Like right? If I'm correct, I believe your eggs start
degrading at twenty five years old, and once you hit
thirty it's halfed, and then every year after that, by
the time you're forty, I believe it's increased to seventy
percent of having a birth defect. Right, this is all
off of memory. I could be totally wrong. I one
hundred percent encourage you guys doing your own research into
these kinds of things.
Speaker 2 (01:14:40):
We're not professionals.
Speaker 3 (01:14:41):
No, it is very important that you understand your body
and what you're doing with putting things off and waiting
or not understanding.
Speaker 2 (01:14:49):
More questions that should be asked this on the whole
baby thing. What are we going to do about college?
Speaker 3 (01:14:54):
Right?
Speaker 2 (01:14:55):
Are we going to are we going to pay for
their college? Are we going to pay for a trade
school over college? Do you feel they should go to
college or a trade school? Are we gonna set up
a wroth? Yep, that could be. That's a whole last
question in itself, because the money that you are putting
away for college should go into a roth, and that
could set them up for retirement. Right, Like, there's a
whole lot of real conversations that need to go into
(01:15:15):
to that. Kids are not just a They're not a
dog bucket. Let's do this right.
Speaker 3 (01:15:21):
You're not going to throw the ball in the backyard
for twenty minutes a day and have them be good
to go. A lot of demanding a lot of focus.
And our son being born twenty twelve weeks prematurely, he
is struggling with reading and speech and math and all
of these things. I wouldn't say he's behind, but he's
definitely struggling, and it demands a lot of attention. Homework
(01:15:45):
isn't a quick one and done. This is forty five minutes,
hour and a half, and then I'm making dinner afterwards,
and then still helping Sissy with homework, and then we
have to do shower time, in bedtime, your free time
is going to go to zero, especially if you are
hung goat, gung ho whatever that word is, phrases of
(01:16:05):
continuing to work full time. It is going to be
very difficult for you to find a balance in your
life if you are a gung ho on maintaining a
full time career, working for somebody else, homeschooling, relying on mom.
Dad's a firefighter, he's going to be gone for four
days in a row. You're going to be putting a
lot on yourself and your self care time is going
(01:16:26):
to dwindle massively, massively, massively. What if you get called
into a work on a child's birthday? Are you willing
to miss that?
Speaker 2 (01:16:34):
Yeah? These are all things that happen to every parent. Yeah,
it's going to happen. There's gonna be time times where
you don't have a choice but to go to work
and mom can't watch the kid and you're scrambling to
find a fucking sitter or like that's just normal life shit.
Speaker 3 (01:16:47):
But you have an option that a lot of women
would fucking beg for. And I'm not saying give up
having a career. You can still have a career. I'm
saying you need to be an entrepreneur, and you need
to be charge of yourself and your own life, be
present for the children that you're deciding to bring into
this world. Continuing Yep, so this is an update from
(01:17:08):
the original. Yes, this question is still as relevant, perhaps
more so, as we are getting married in just a month.
We hope to start a family soon after the wedding,
and while we have had as many conversations as we
feel like we can have prior to that, I'd love
to hear from actual parents what conversations we should be having,
Questions we should be asking, research we should be doing,
et cetera beforehand to set us set us up for
(01:17:30):
success as parents while also nurturing our relationship with one another.
I've seen too many friends go from a couple to
just parents and lose sight of their relationship, which is
something huh, right, especially in the first year.
Speaker 2 (01:17:43):
Right. So, postpartum is one of those things that you
need to be researching.
Speaker 3 (01:17:46):
Postpartum everything, rage, anxiety, depression, all the gambits. We understand
that the dynamics and the day to day of our
relationship may be challenged and evolve, not may, they will
be Yep, they will be challenged, They will be challenged.
Speaker 2 (01:18:02):
And they will be forced to evolve.
Speaker 3 (01:18:04):
Yes, will be forced to evolve. This is not a maybe,
This is not a possibility. It is one hundred percent
going to happen.
Speaker 2 (01:18:11):
But it doesn't mean that it's a bad thing, right right,
That's what I was saying a minute ago, like this
shit happens to every parent. Yes, you can have. Everybody's
got a plan until they get punched in the mouth,
so Tyson said. And it's like that with parenting, and
kids are going to punch you in the mouth metaphorically
every fucking day.
Speaker 3 (01:18:28):
Sometimes physically. Yeah, okay, Yeah, we just want to do
our best to intentionally and proactively not fall into the
same trap. Some context for our specific situation I have
shared in previous emails. If it's helpful to have it
all in one place. Okay, So I'm confused. So she
laid out everything from the previous one, but I forgot
(01:18:48):
that she works from home full time. So your mom's
going to be coming over while you're locked away in
a bedroom working to watch the children. That that would
be so fucking hard for me.
Speaker 2 (01:18:58):
Yeah, especially when the kids starts screaming at the top
of their lungs because something happened right where you hear
a crash and a bull shatter while you're on a call.
Like also, I'm missing all of that.
Speaker 3 (01:19:09):
I'm gonna hear that day in and day out, and
then the laughter and the moments and they're watching a movie,
and then maybe my daughter singing her favorite song. I
want to hear that every single time, right, because her
voice is not gonna sound like this forever. Yeah. She
said that her job offers a creative outlet that she
enjoys that she did not provide in the previous email.
(01:19:31):
A mother has offered to provide childcare in our home
once we have children, so the cost of childcare does
not play a factor. My mother is a retired teacher,
so we has also talked about this possibility of homeschooling route. Okay,
but what about you homeschooling.
Speaker 2 (01:19:45):
What's the creative outlet that you can't do without your job.
Speaker 3 (01:19:49):
That's a good question. Don't tell me it's only fans.
Speaker 2 (01:19:53):
That's not a creative outlet. Fuck. The reality is you
don't need your job to do creative things. We are
fucking by design creative creatures. Whether you believe, whether you
believe in in like the Biblical aspect of creation or
the Rnakey aspect of creation. We are created and like
(01:20:16):
made in an image to build and do and create. Yes,
so like that is who we are. You have the
ability to do all kinds of creative shit. Your job
doesn't need to be there for that.
Speaker 3 (01:20:28):
What are you going to do if your mother passes
away and you now have a eight year old you
have to homeschool?
Speaker 2 (01:20:35):
Right?
Speaker 3 (01:20:37):
Or six and an eight year old? Because you said children,
that's a good question, right, There are so many other
things that need to be looked at. You cannot just
rely on your mother to be childcare and homeschool. What
are you going to do if you and your mother
have a falling out? What if you and your mother
disagree on disciplinary actions and you decide that her being
the childcare is not the best move and you you
(01:21:00):
know your mother best, and you can say that something
like that will never happen. We've seen it, We've heard
it in emails, we've experienced it. You can never predict
what's going to happen. So we've said it, I'm a
say it again. You cannot rely on other people to
take care of your children and make sure your household
is running the way it should be. I think having
mom with the plan is a dope idea. I think
(01:21:22):
having grandmother involved is a fantastic idea.
Speaker 2 (01:21:26):
Too.
Speaker 3 (01:21:27):
I don't think that. I don't know how long it's
been since she's been a teacher. I don't know what
grade she taught. We had grandma involved for a very
very long time. We had two under two, and Grandma
was involved, watching the children every single day while we worked.
And after about a year and a half, just one
day out of the blue, I'm not watching the children tomorrow.
(01:21:48):
I can't do this anymore. And now I'm scrambling. I
have to go to work tomorrow. I have nobody to
watch my children. It takes a toll on the body,
especially older people. And if she's in her sixties and seventies,
a year and a half of chasing after two children
in diapers, hunched over, making sure they're not getting into
it things is going to age her a lot. Continuing,
(01:22:12):
being that I have autism and ADHD, my thoughts around
planning for the future sometimes sends me into a spiral
because there is very seldom a clear, black and white
right answer for anything related to raising children. Oh man,
what are you going to do when you have the children,
because then you're going to be having conversations with the
kids or parenting or disciplining. And there's no black and
(01:22:32):
white answer for that either, right, It's all dependent upon
the child, upon the situation, the circumstance. There are so
many things that go into that. So if you can't
rely on yourself now to plan for the future of
having children, what are you going to be do when
you're actively involved with the children, having to make quick
(01:22:56):
decisions be on your feet.
Speaker 2 (01:22:58):
Oh, it's a whole thing.
Speaker 3 (01:23:00):
So if that's a concern for your autism and ADHD,
I would get all of that under wraps before I
even consider thinking about having children.
Speaker 2 (01:23:07):
Jenna said she's autistic, which increases the chance that her
kids will also be autistic. The reality is is you
can plan as much as you want, those plans go
out the window when life happens. So you want to
be as prepared as possible and flexible as possible and
not having to rely on other people to do something.
You and your husband are going to be the union, yes,
(01:23:29):
and you are going to be taking care of a family.
And if he's able to do the manshit and provide
and protect and do all of that while you're able
to mother and fucking teach and raise. Then you've got
it made right.
Speaker 3 (01:23:42):
Jenna said she's also depriving her mother the opportunity to
enjoy being a grandma. That is a very good point,
and that is true. That is a factual statement. Grandparents
who have to step up and be the parent to
their grandchildren step into that parent role so they aren't
allowed to spoil the grandchild and do all of these
fun things and don't tell mom although we don't do
(01:24:02):
that with the children, like we don't play that game.
But having that little secret, like I know Mommy is
not gonna be okay with you eating pop rocks. But
here's three.
Speaker 2 (01:24:11):
Oh fuck me, next thing. It's like a jolt of lightning.
I see it every time. Shout out to Kay in
the chat. She joined Patreon and immediately solid livestream and
jumped right in here. Yep, ain't nothing wrong with giving
kids pop rocks every once in a while. The grandparents,
(01:24:31):
what's the same, Raise your children so you can spoil
your grandkids and not spoil your kids, so you have
to raise your grandkids right.
Speaker 3 (01:24:38):
Yeah, I'm waiting to see my next thing happen, because
I've never seen it happen. It's a whole involuntary movement.
Yeah Jesus, all right. Continuing, I think I would find
full time parenting fulfilling, but I also feel like I'd
lose a part of myself if I quit working altogether.
Striking a balance between and sharing. My future family is
(01:24:59):
completely fulfilled by me, and I am fulfilling myself too.
Feels tricky and it's hard when I'm not a fly
by the seat of your pants type of person.
Speaker 2 (01:25:07):
How how would you raising your children not be the
most fulfilling thing you could do for your family. Everything
that you do with your kids is going to echo
throughout your family lineage. Everything that you do right with
your children is going to be passed down to their
their children, and then their children and then their children.
Speaker 3 (01:25:26):
Two hundred and forty people in your lifetime. If you
count down through your family.
Speaker 2 (01:25:30):
Right, it's a lot.
Speaker 3 (01:25:33):
I don't think that you need a job to have
a creative outlet. If that, if that is your excuse
for wanting to work full time, is that I need
the creative outlet. You can have that creative outlet on
your own, making one hundred percent of the income.
Speaker 1 (01:25:46):
Yep.
Speaker 2 (01:25:46):
Starting build a website and start selling your shit online, right,
Start painting, doing photography, sculpting, fucking weby whatever, right, anything
that you want to do that that sparks that creative
scratches that creative itch. And you can absolutely do that
shit on your own time. You know, paintings and things
like that are very time consuming, but you can do
(01:26:07):
it when you have the time to do it right,
you know. And at that point you're doing what you
want to do and then selling it versus taking commissions
and doing what other people want you to do. Jeff
and I had this conversation the other day about art. Yeah,
everybody thinks that they're going to become a tattoo artist
and just tattoo the shit that they want a tattoo,
And that's not how that works. You're gonna do with
a client once, and if you're a painter, you're gonna
do with a client once, right, unless you're a free
(01:26:29):
range artist that does whatever the fuck you want to
do and then try to sell what you want to
do two very different things.
Speaker 3 (01:26:35):
When I worked at the Tattoo Studio as the body piercer,
I would say it was maybe one in one hundred
where a tattoo artists got to do whatever they wanted
to do.
Speaker 2 (01:26:44):
It was very, very slim. Yeah, anything you want to
wrap up, any you want to.
Speaker 3 (01:26:48):
Say, no, not particularly.
Speaker 2 (01:26:50):
Do we want to drop the April Women's Retreat earlier
than December? We can.
Speaker 3 (01:26:56):
I think it would give more women, like they know
the dates, they'll be able to save money and all
those kinds of things.
Speaker 2 (01:27:01):
Yeah. Well, that's why I said we were going to
release it in December so that people had time for it.
But I thought about dropping it today because we did
our quarterly shirt drop this morning.
Speaker 3 (01:27:10):
Okay, I'm okay with that.
Speaker 2 (01:27:12):
I'm not going to do it today, but it may
get dropped before December because it's sitting there like that
stresses me out.
Speaker 3 (01:27:19):
Okay, So.
Speaker 2 (01:27:22):
We will see you guys tomorrow around.
Speaker 3 (01:27:25):
Noonish, I would say, eleven on TikTok.
Speaker 2 (01:27:27):
Eleven on TikTok and the noon on YouTube or live streams.
With that being said, guys, thanks for tuning in. Remember
you were the author of your own life, So grab
a pen and we will see you on the next one.
Speaker 3 (01:27:38):
Bye, guys,
Look out with come all the things with it on
the bottom all, Oh wow, is you You're my favorite view?
Speaker 2 (00:17):
But that's nothing, and we are back.
Speaker 3 (00:23):
Welcome back, you mystical bitches.
Speaker 2 (00:26):
We're doing the the same episode, part two, but we
had to take a break. We had a really gross lunch.
Your lunch was fucked up, because your lunch is always
fucked up always. You got crispy onion strings instead of
actual onion rings.
Speaker 3 (00:38):
Yeah. It was like the topping they put on a burger,
but hundreds of them in a box with no dipping sauce.
I was promised a specialized restaurant made dipping.
Speaker 2 (00:50):
Sauce, and you got none of it.
Speaker 3 (00:52):
I got none of it. I just got dried, crispy
sad onions.
Speaker 2 (00:56):
Yeah. People are like, I hate my job. Fuck these people.
That's how it went.
Speaker 3 (01:01):
Don't take it out on me, man Win damn bro.
Speaker 2 (01:05):
It is indeed how it went. We got an hour
of the other episode done. I haven't edited it yet.
I don't think I'm going to delete it. I think
I'm going to use the content, although I don't think
it'll be even close to an hour. So we're going
to do another email maybe to get some content done
and then probably play some video games tonight.
Speaker 3 (01:24):
Maybe I need to get some painting done. Need I do?
Speaker 2 (01:29):
You need to?
Speaker 3 (01:30):
I do?
Speaker 2 (01:30):
What makes it a need. Part of my.
Speaker 3 (01:35):
Well being maintenance is art doing artistic things. I have
come to discover that about myself, and I've been pushing
it off and pushing it off and pushing it off,
and I'm getting angry and angry and angry at myself
about it.
Speaker 2 (01:48):
Okay, fair enough, I will game.
Speaker 3 (01:49):
I'm just not going to game the whole time.
Speaker 2 (01:51):
You are. If you decide to do that, well, I
really want to play Battlefield six.
Speaker 3 (01:55):
Oh I want to play that too, if we could
get a whole team going this evening.
Speaker 2 (01:59):
Yeah, today's October fourteenth of the recording, so, and the
game came out on I think the tenth, and we
have not even been able to play yet because we've
been waiting for a whole team and I was hoping
that Sean would get on that would give us three
and somebody else would make four. But at this point,
I don't give a shit. I just want to play
the game and see how it plays. I've gotten like
I'm getting cocky good at cod now, like it's which
(02:23):
makes losing even worse.
Speaker 3 (02:24):
Yeah, I get that.
Speaker 2 (02:28):
So I really want to get into some battlefield. But
let's let's let's just jump into this. Let's do a
non Patreon email.
Speaker 3 (02:36):
All right. This one is titled I need guidance or help,
opinions something, Okay, and this was in a January of
this year.
Speaker 2 (02:50):
Hopefully you still need help.
Speaker 3 (02:53):
Fuck, somebody will get something out of this.
Speaker 2 (02:55):
I'm sure. I'm sure.
Speaker 3 (02:57):
I'm gonna be honest. This is kind of like my
my private messages.
Speaker 2 (03:02):
Yeah, yeah, you have messages that you haven't open for months. Yeah,
I hate that. It stresses me out, man.
Speaker 3 (03:11):
It's just kind of across the board to like the
important people get my attention every day. I have combined
in my women's groups, I have about forty five women
and thirty eight thirty nine of them have private DM
access to message may Yeah, so it takes a lot
of my resources.
Speaker 2 (03:31):
I check those messages all the time, but otherwise I
just clear notifications.
Speaker 3 (03:37):
All right ready, yep, First off, I just want to
start out by saying how much I enjoy watching your
dynamic and the love you have for each other. I
twenty eight female have been with my husband, thirty six
male for six years. As of December twenty twenty four.
We are about to celebrate our first year of marriage
at the end of February twenty twenty five. Okay, so
(03:59):
that came when damn year, damn near seven years together.
Now I would love an update email. I know the
old saying goes the first year of marriage is the hardest,
but I have a feeling that it shouldn't be as
hard as it has been.
Speaker 2 (04:13):
I actually don't agree with that.
Speaker 3 (04:15):
I agree with you disagreeing with that sentiment.
Speaker 2 (04:20):
If you do everything that you're supposed to do about
getting married, and you actually do your due diligence, the
first year of marriage is amazing.
Speaker 3 (04:28):
It's like the honeymoon phase just starting all over, because
now it's going to be a whole new adventure together.
Speaker 2 (04:35):
Right, yep, it's official now, right like right.
Speaker 3 (04:39):
Marriage isn't the ending, it's the beginning. I need your
help or guidance or just information that could help me
not feel so at full or crazy about some of
the things that are going on. I just don't know
what to do about going about I just don't know
what to do about going about all of this with
my husband. I don't know how to tell him all
(05:01):
the things that make me think about leaving. Here's everything,
and sorry if it kind of jumps around, Okay, I
want to pause there for a second. For me, thinking
about leaving is an extreme right, like that is a
very final decision, no going back. Discomfort of the change
of ending the relationship is less than the discomfort you're
(05:22):
experiencing currently in the relationship. For you. For us, divorce
is off the table. That's not an option off the table, right,
So there is never a thought of, oh, he just
did that and now I want to leave. It's well,
that sucked. We're feeling however, we're feeling. We're going to
feel better in forty five minutes when our nervous systems
(05:42):
calm down. We're going to reconjoin and then get dinner.
Speaker 2 (05:46):
Yeah, life will go on.
Speaker 3 (05:47):
Right, So, when I hear all of the things that
make me think about leaving, I'm I'm inclined to like
dysregulated emotions, Maybe be overwhelmed from the emotions, not sure
how to process them, maybe feel them very intensely.
Speaker 2 (06:06):
If you're thinking about leaving, you're already living your relationship
one foot out the door.
Speaker 3 (06:10):
That's true. All of that is me guessing. I am
not a psychic. I am not trying to tell the
email or how they're feeling.
Speaker 2 (06:19):
I am.
Speaker 3 (06:22):
Trying to predict what happens. I want to see if
I'm right. We all do that, especially in movies.
Speaker 2 (06:27):
Our chat is going on about the timeframes of you
know when relationships should get hard, and somebody said, I
feel like after five years is when it gets really hard.
Your relationship gets hard when you make it hard. Correct,
That's what it comes down to. You can have an
amazing relationship the entire time you're in a relationship. If
you're willing to understand that you are with a flawed individual,
(06:49):
you yourself are a flawed individual, and you are trying
to coexist within another universe for the rest of your
life together. And sometimes the days are going to suck.
But that doesn't mean that your life sucks. It means
that you're having a bad day, or you're having a
bad moment, or you have a disagreement. Because sometimes you're
going to have those life goes on. You have to
(07:11):
learn to love and have grace and forgive and like
not hold on to resentment, and to do things that's
going to make your life better. If you're not doing
those things, and you are holding resentments, and you're having
the grasses greener on the other side, and you're looking
at the people that you work with now, and you're
comparing your relationship to other people's. Your shit's going to
get hard. You chose that.
Speaker 3 (07:33):
Yeah, here's everything. I'm sorry if it kind of jumps around.
One thing recently that got my blood boiling was talking
about having kids. Okay, so I want to pause here.
Don't know where this is going. First time I'm seeing
this email right off the bat. That's a conversation that
needs to be decided upon before a relationship even continues
(07:54):
to formulate the foundation of possibly continuing a long term anything.
Speaker 2 (08:00):
Be honest about it. Yes, I don't know. I haven't
read this either, but I'm willing to bet that there's
a discrepancy that's had because someone's not being honest about
what they want. I'm just guessing.
Speaker 3 (08:14):
Let's see. Okay, this is kind of stupid, but now
I feel like where Nancy Drew.
Speaker 2 (08:24):
I don't know who that is.
Speaker 3 (08:25):
She's a book detective, okay, fictional stories for like teen girls.
And then my mind went to going on a bear hunt.
All right, this is something that he and I both
went back and forth on and the very beginning of
our relationship, but as time went on, I kept saying
I wanted kids. He always talks about our kids and
(08:49):
how he would raise them, which we both agree on
parenting styles. Okay, so they have been together for six
years and they were getting ready to celebrate one year
of marriage. That's a really long time to figure out
whether or not we're having kids, right.
Speaker 2 (09:07):
Well, and that's also a long time to not actually
have kids. Right. Did they say how old they were?
Speaker 3 (09:12):
She is twenty eight, he is thirty six.
Speaker 2 (09:14):
Okay.
Speaker 3 (09:15):
Back in September of twenty twenty four, I had a
breakdown moment where I cried and it hit me that
I want kids on my own. I'm gonna pause again.
I'm so sorry, guys breaking down. I had a breakdown
moment where I cried. This is a very important, very
impactful life decision. You get to live this life once.
(09:37):
So if you want to have children, you need to
be with somebody who also wants to have children.
Speaker 2 (09:41):
You shouldn't also make that decision from a fucking meltdown.
Speaker 3 (09:45):
I agree. If it was a breakdown, like you're having
a manic moment and you're breaking down and you decide
you want kids in that moment, but you've always been
against it. I agree. If this is something that you've
been secretly thinking about and you weren't honest about it,
like my husband said prior, sometimes aren't honest about those
kinds of things, and you were hiding it, and then
you had a breakdown because you've been repressing this for
(10:07):
so long and it dawned on you. You're almost thirty,
no children yet.
Speaker 2 (10:12):
Yep.
Speaker 3 (10:13):
I told him about this and he didn't give any pushback.
But now he's more concerned about money and having a
massive house and making sure I am in fit shape
and losing weight before I have any kids.
Speaker 2 (10:25):
There's a whole lot to that statement. There's a whole
lot to that statement. She just jumped from like four
different things.
Speaker 3 (10:31):
First one was he's more concerned about money.
Speaker 2 (10:35):
Right, kids are expensive. Yes, this should be a concern.
You shouldn't have kids if you can't afford him.
Speaker 3 (10:39):
I agree. If you're living paycheck to paycheck right now
is not the time to be having children right. Next
one was lose having a massive house.
Speaker 2 (10:50):
Yep.
Speaker 3 (10:51):
So if you're living in a studio, or one or
two bedroom apartment, and he wants to be able to
have a big backyard to provide the kind of child
here he wants for the children.
Speaker 2 (11:01):
I agree with that valid argument, right okay.
Speaker 3 (11:05):
And the next one was making sure I am in
fit shape and losing weight before I have any kids.
Speaker 2 (11:10):
That doesn't make sense. It does. There's a degree of
it makes sense because if you're overweight, it could cause
problems with the pregnancy.
Speaker 3 (11:17):
I was one hundred plus pounds overweight for all of
my pregnancies. First pregnancy, I had a miscarriage, second pregnancy,
I went into pre term labor fourteen weeks early, gave
birth twelve weeks early. And my third pregnancy, thank god,
(11:38):
nothing went wrong. But I was I know I have failed.
I was preclamtic with her.
Speaker 2 (11:43):
I don't know what that means.
Speaker 3 (11:45):
Preclamsia. I couldn't tell you right now. It's after birth
with blood I think, or there's something going on there.
It may have been pre diabetic. I think I was
pre diabetic, not preclamtic, preclamsia, But all of it was
based on my weight. It was it was the pre diabetic.
(12:07):
He was like, you're two points away from being pre
diabetic in this pregnancy.
Speaker 2 (12:11):
Okay, so all four of those are valid points. The
last two are arguable points, right, because if you're only
twenty pounds overweight, you're going to gain weight during pregnancy anyways.
So there's a whole lot that we could get into
in that, but let's just go move past that. For
the most part, I could make a valid argument for
(12:31):
all four of those things, right, So let's just move
past that.
Speaker 3 (12:34):
And it's also speculation on our end. We don't know
what their finances look like, what they're housing is like,
if she is only fifteen pounds overweight or eighty pounds overweight,
whatever the case may be.
Speaker 2 (12:44):
Right, preclamsya is related to high blood pressure. According to the.
Speaker 3 (12:47):
Chat, oh I did also have that. Yep, Yeah, I
was a mess during my pregnancies with my daughter. I
was over I was at the three hundred pound mark
and I kept climbing.
Speaker 2 (13:03):
Before we pick back up, if you guys are watching
this on Patreon right now, you need to go and
click on the video. There'd be a little YouTube thing
that will pop up. After you clear click that, it'll
take you to the YouTube channel, which is where we're live,
and you'll have a whole ass chat so you guys
can interact with the eighty people who are currently watching
and have the conversations and we can see your comments,
because right now I can see that I'm getting notifications
(13:25):
on Patreon that people are leaving comments about the video,
but I can't see the shit right go to YouTube
do that. And for those of you who didn't catch
today's earlier recording, it went private because there was tech issues,
and I'm I don't think it's going back up, so
tech tech shit happens. I apologize. Okay, back to the episode.
Speaker 3 (13:45):
D H Holmestead brought up a magnesium drip. I also
went on that the more people talk, the more it's like,
this is almost eight years ago for me. Yeah, so
it's like I'm finding things through the haze.
Speaker 2 (13:55):
Crazy how that works out in it.
Speaker 3 (13:56):
Yeah, I also forgot, like I in the moment, it
was very traumatic for me going through all of that
with the children and the pregnancies. But also time is
the master healer. Crazy. It also goes to show how
the brain divvy's up storage space as time goes on.
Speaker 2 (14:14):
Yeah, well, you tend to let go of things that
are no longer relevant to your life. Right, you only
have so much bandwidth. Eventually you have to start deleting files.
Speaker 3 (14:22):
Right, A lot of it in there is Britney spears too.
Speaker 2 (14:25):
Yeah, well, I mean that's an easy deletion, all right.
Speaker 3 (14:28):
Continuing, he is constantly making comments that he wants me
to get back in the gym and be fit before
having any kids. And I feel like he's not happy
with the way I look and is just making excuses
for when he himself also needs to get back into
the gym.
Speaker 2 (14:42):
So that's an assumption, and blame on who's part hers?
She assumed that that's what he wants, and she's blaming
him for also being overweight.
Speaker 3 (14:52):
I feel like he's not happy with the way I look,
so that's the I feel, right, that's the assumption.
Speaker 2 (14:57):
It's an assumption.
Speaker 3 (14:58):
And then you said making excuse says for when he
himself needs to get back into the gym.
Speaker 2 (15:02):
That's though. Now she's throwing shade at him.
Speaker 3 (15:04):
To pass the blame stick to you.
Speaker 2 (15:06):
Now because he's also overweight.
Speaker 3 (15:09):
He constantly makes me feel bad.
Speaker 2 (15:11):
Let's talk about the gym thing for a second. That
whole situation right there proves that she's not actually had
the conversation with him, So she is purely in her
feelings making shit up and if she feels like he
also needs to go back to the gym because he's
put on weight. Instead of having a discussion with him
about both of them going to the gym and getting
(15:32):
their life together, they're now going tit for tat because
she's hurt over the fact that he wants her to
go back to the gym. So he has expressively stated
what he needs or what he wants from her, and
she has not done any of that. Based off of
the way that that was worded.
Speaker 3 (15:51):
I can see that, Okay, I see that he constantly
makes me feel bad about having my own feelings. It
seems it seems it seems so why am I pointing
that out the same reason that we just stopped and
broke down those previous sentences. He constantly makes me feel
bad about having my own feelings, period. That is an
indication that he is verbally saying, your feelings are an
(16:14):
inconvenience to me. I don't care about what's going on
with you right now. Adding it seems draws back to
she's in her feels, she's making assumptions with the lack
of conversation. Yep, he is always defensive if I try
to point out things that he does that makes me
upset and turns it back onto me and makes it
my fault, and I think this all causes my depression
(16:35):
anxiety issues.
Speaker 2 (16:36):
Okay, this is so for those of you who are
wanting to write in, this is a phenomenal time to
give an example of how you're bringing things up.
Speaker 3 (16:44):
I agree.
Speaker 2 (16:46):
You can't say that your person is always getting defensive
and just move past that without telling us how you're
communicating your needs. If we were on a call with
you right now, we would say, give us an example
of the things that you say that makes them defensive.
You can tell us the verbiage and the wording that
you're used is using in conversation, so that we can
try to pick apart where the communication breakdown is happening,
(17:09):
where defensiveness happens. That's not something that unless your person
just genuinely doesn't like you, Getting defensive is not a
go to for everyone all the time. It's a lack
of communication that's happening between two people that makes that
defensiveness go.
Speaker 3 (17:24):
It could be a default setting. Owso if that is
how he has always responded to things they get into
a relationship together, and he is just continued responding defensively
because he's always made to feel like it's he's the problem.
Whatever the case may be. Immediately responds with, fuck, here
(17:45):
we go again. I have to fight for my life, right.
Speaker 2 (17:47):
I can understand that, but I still think that some
of that comes down to the way that it's delivered.
I agree.
Speaker 3 (17:53):
I tell him what I want from him. I tell him,
oh ooh, I have a problem. I have a problem
with this sentence. I didn't even know what it.
Speaker 2 (18:05):
Was that bitch that's funny.
Speaker 3 (18:12):
I was like, what the fuck did I just say?
I tell him what I want from him?
Speaker 2 (18:17):
Is not a lot. You don't get to determine that.
Speaker 3 (18:20):
You don't get to determine somebody else's capacity and how
much weight they can carry. And you don't know how
much it may take for somebody to give to you
to love you the way that you need it, and
some people are not capable of carrying that kind of pressure.
You can say, does that make sense?
Speaker 2 (18:43):
Yes?
Speaker 3 (18:44):
I wish he was more affectionate, especially when I have
been trying to do that myself. I'm just going to
keep stopping guys. I'm so sorry. I wish he was
more affectionate, especially when I've been trying to do that myself.
So that needs to be a conversation, right, not just
telling him. I'm not asking too much. What does that
affection look like? Are you looking for more quality time?
(19:06):
Are you looking for more physical touch? Are you looking
for more words of affirmation? Do you need your feet
held while watching TV on the couch? Not I was
gonna say men, not just men, humans. We need instructions.
That's why Ikea and not Ikia don't. They don't send
any home depot.
Speaker 2 (19:23):
Maybe Aika sends instructions. They're just fucking impossible to read.
Speaker 3 (19:27):
That's why we have instructions, period. And if you're hoping
to drop hints of oh, if I kiss the back
of his neck more, he's going to know that I'm
craving more attention to That's not how that works. When
my husband is loving up on me more, I'm thinking, Oh,
he's just doting on me like he's feeling extra affectionate today.
(19:48):
He's feeling extra loving towards me. I'm going to bask
in this. There is no pressure for me to return
affection to my husband. That is an obligatory return. Then
I'm not loving on you because I want you in
this moment. I'm loving on you purely because you just
went out of your way to do so.
Speaker 2 (20:05):
I don't want it right in that situation, I don't
want anything out of obligation from you. And I'll come
back to that real quick. I just want to say
this for those of you who are watching in Patreon,
I just posted a link in the comments to get
you to the YouTube video because there was people who
are like I can't get to the video. So in
the comments section on Patreon is a link to YouTube
(20:25):
to the video, so you guys can be a part
of the chat. And our shit just jumped up. If
you do anything for me out of obligation, it's because
you have to. There's no love or want behind it
at that way, right, That's slavery, that's my birthday, that's Christmas,
it's anniversary sex, it's I rubbed your back, now you
rub mine.
Speaker 3 (20:45):
Like.
Speaker 2 (20:45):
I don't want any of that. I want authentic, loving
compassion from my person when they want to give it
to me, because I know that it's real, right, So,
and I'm not saying that everybody is this way. This
is a me thing. So in that situation where there
is an obligation of a tit for tat, I don't
want it. Just let me love on you, right, and
then when I got my phill, I can move on.
(21:07):
And when you want to express that you can and great,
you know.
Speaker 3 (21:12):
Right, and like you said, get your fill you Loving
up on me is not just about filling my cup. No,
there's an energy exchange there. There is a give and
a receive, and there's always appreciation in the moments when
that's given. Fuck it, I'm gonna say it. It may sell
them selfish. When I love up on you, it is
(21:33):
a little bit of a selfish thing.
Speaker 2 (21:35):
I want to touch you. You're you're my man.
Speaker 3 (21:37):
Are you fucking kidding me? Look your biceps and suck
your toes whatever, I.
Speaker 2 (21:42):
Don't know, whatever you let me do.
Speaker 3 (21:45):
Let me get in that whole punch in the back
of your ear.
Speaker 2 (21:48):
And God, that sound would be so bad.
Speaker 3 (21:53):
I I know that it makes you feel good to
have that kind of attention, absolutely right.
Speaker 2 (21:57):
That's me being goofy.
Speaker 3 (21:58):
I do other things, but it is very much a
I'm doing this because loving on you makes me feel
good because I know it makes you feel good right
when it's removed, and it's a I wish he was
more affectionate, especially when I have been trying to do
that myself. Like I said, it depends on how this
(22:19):
was written, because if this is a I'm dropping hints,
this is what I'm talking about. If you're dropping hints
to circle back to what I said at the beginning,
that's a problem. If you're having conversations of hey, babe,
I'm trying to be more affectionate. I would appreciate it
if you chipped in a little bit. However, however, I
didn't put much thought into that.
Speaker 2 (22:38):
Okay, so let me take over. Okay, delightful In that situation,
I'm I'm trying to be more affectionate. I would like
you to reciprocate that. What you're really saying is is
we're in the roommate phase right now. Our sex has
gone down, the intimacy has decreased, and I am feeling
disconnected from you. That's what you're really trying to get at.
So why don't you just fucking say that? Yeah, but
(23:00):
instead of playing verbal tag and hoping that somebody gets
the fucking hit of what's going on?
Speaker 3 (23:03):
Perfect?
Speaker 2 (23:04):
Yeah, say what you mean and mean what you say.
Speaker 3 (23:07):
Yeah, you kissed my hand the other day and I
looked you in the face and said, do that more?
Speaker 2 (23:10):
Right?
Speaker 3 (23:11):
Like it?
Speaker 2 (23:14):
I like that.
Speaker 1 (23:15):
I don't know.
Speaker 3 (23:15):
You can also say something dirty. I know my man
likes it when I say dirty things. Yeah, so I
don't know. Give it a try.
Speaker 2 (23:24):
There's some things that's not for the podcast. Yes, that
was one of those thoughts. I felt that thought. I
can give you a dummy down version of it. Have
you ever heard the phrase a lady in the streets
put a horn in the sheets. Yes, that's what I want.
I want you to be the prim and proper, fucking
(23:45):
dignified woman that everybody looks up to. But in the bedroom,
I want you to be in my porn star. Let's go,
and that's that's our life. So that's fucking go me
fucking high five myself. I like it when you brag
on me. That's why it's supposed to be though, right,
Like you want your person to be fucking primal, like
(24:06):
right savagery. When it comes to that kind of shit
that we all want that, at least I think we
all want that. There might be people out there who
are like, oh no, don't I don't know weirdos.
Speaker 3 (24:15):
Oh maybe.
Speaker 2 (24:21):
Yep, Okay, let's get back to it, Okay.
Speaker 3 (24:24):
I I want him to want me to be around.
I can't fucking focus. I want him to want me
just to be around and not expect anything sexual from it.
I think that is a valid request.
Speaker 2 (24:42):
Yeah. Absolutely. I mean your person should be your best friend.
Speaker 3 (24:46):
Right, not just a sexual object.
Speaker 2 (24:48):
Right.
Speaker 3 (24:49):
He makes me feel like a piece of meat, and
the way he will grop me and I have had
conversations about how this makes me feel multiple times over
the last couple of years. Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay,
So right, I have to google something.
Speaker 2 (25:06):
Okay, this triggered a thought in me, So can I
talk while you google?
Speaker 3 (25:09):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (25:10):
When we were at the Airbnb this weekend, while we
were in the medicine, there was a robot thing that
showed up on television that I didn't see because I
was communicating with the universe in the moment and the
world didn't exist to me. And I heard about it
after the fact, and the conversation was between you and
(25:31):
And I'm not going to say people's names just because
I don't think I should. But you and another young
lady that was there, we're having a conversation about how
the robot was overly sexualized, and during the watching it,
you guys were like, damn, even in the future, robots
are being sexualized by man, and I was like, or
A different perspective is when a man thinks of femininity,
(25:51):
we think a flowy, curvy movement, soft, dainty, and we
don't know how to show that because we don't have
that feminine side. And there was a whole lst conversation
about all of that. The reason that that came to
mind is because the way that I view the groping
and the rough grabbing and all of that is a possessiveness.
(26:14):
It is a way that I show my affection to you.
And it's not only that I will absolutely get very
soft with you and gently touch you and hold your
feet and do all the things that I know you love.
But going back to that primal statement, when I grab
you or I smack your ass, that's like an aggressive
love moment for me. That's not a how do I
(26:35):
wordy that, that's not a that that's primal like, it's
in that moment I'm seeing them hips and I'm like,
you know what I mean, like right, And that's how
it's supposed to feel, because in that moment, that's all
that matters to me. So you can't say that that's
the way he views things or he only wants it
(26:57):
because he does that. There are other things that men
do to show that we appreciate and want you, like
paying bills or killing snakes or whatever it is that
we know that we need to do to make you
feel safe, secure and happy. But there is that other
side of us. We are very rough, primal creatures. Like
that's just nature. I don't know.
Speaker 3 (27:17):
I think women are rough, primal creatures too.
Speaker 2 (27:20):
That one's not according to that email.
Speaker 3 (27:23):
Okay, that's true. I like it when you make me
feel sexy. You're my husband, period. That's the context I'm
speaking in. When you smack my ass, I know it's
a primal thing, and that reaffirms in me that I
am taking care of myself in a way to present
(27:45):
myself to be pleasurable for you, right eye, Candy, right,
And that does it for me. It's not just my
body that you're attracted to, it's the essence of me
in this body as a whole primal thing for me.
Speaker 2 (28:00):
Trying not to go down a whole ass rabbit hole
of the divine feminine and sacred masculine right now. Yeah,
I've been really on that shit for like a month. Yeah,
I'm not there.
Speaker 3 (28:09):
So so I'm gonna read this sentence one more time
and then I'm going to read the definition from Google
AI in the physical context of what groping means. Okay,
so she wrote, he makes me feel like a piece
of meat and the way that he will grope me.
So the definition is to fondle or handle another person's
(28:29):
body in a sexual way, particularly when the touching is
unwanted and non consensual. This is a form of sexual
assault or harassment. So are you meaning to say that
your husband is sexually assaulting you? Because that is how
I'm taking that, because that is the word that you
decided to use. If you mean that he is smacking
your ass when he walks by in the kitchen, or
(28:50):
he's coming up behind you while you're cooking and kissing
your neck and he fondles your breasts for us, that
same exact motion, that same insact interaction is a moment
of intimacy, and it's a quick way for us to
connect an eye, just for us. We only get to
do this to each other and together, and we don't
(29:13):
get to have sex every single day.
Speaker 2 (29:15):
Right, it's not possible, but I can damn sure to
make you come in a kitchen in less than two
minutes to go about my fucking life. Right, So, like
that's the thing. I wasn't going there with that, But
are true though, Like yeah, and so from her verbiage,
if you were like, why do you always grope me
like that? And I stop doing it? All of those
fun moments where I rub up on you or we
end up dancing, or I make you come in the
(29:37):
kitchen while you're cooking dinner and go about our fucking
day until dinner's ready, that would stop, right, We would
one hundred percent be in the roommate phase and our
physical intimacy would decrease by like ninety percent. Right, you
are a piece of meat. You are the fucking greatest
waygo marbled, fucking piece of steak I can ever get
and it never goes away. Yeah, I get daddy by
(30:02):
not liking food. God damn it. Like, let's go, this
is perception versus reality. Yeah, yeah, quit smile on you, pervert.
Speaker 3 (30:18):
That was pretty accurate. That was accurate. I was going
to combat that and pretend to be offended, but yeah,
you're right, I'm nasty as fuck.
Speaker 2 (30:31):
I get it, and I hope that wasn't too vulgar
for you guys. I'm sorry if that was a little
bit too much information, but that is the reality of
things right now.
Speaker 3 (30:41):
If your husband is actually sexually assaulting you and you
have told him to stop sexually assaulting you, you need
to get the police involved, you need to get out
of that house, and you need to divorce him.
Speaker 2 (30:50):
I don't think that's what's happening, though I agree.
Speaker 3 (30:52):
I think that that was a demonizing word to use
to make him look bad.
Speaker 2 (30:57):
I actually think the same thing. I think that she
wants to be romanced, right, and she doesn't view that
as romanced. And I understand that there there are different
needs in different times to create different experiences in the
human experience. But sometimes that could be romance. So if
you allow it, that could be some nasty fucking like
and like you could rekindle some a whole lot of
(31:19):
shit there. But there's nothing wrong with buying chocolates and
having having other intimate moments as well. You know what
I mean, like doing over there you, I'm doing you mentally.
Fuck yeah, y'all.
Speaker 3 (31:37):
I just want to take a second for everybody who's
listening right now. We are currently live for our patreon
and there are some things that have been left in
imagine what's been left out right. If you would like
to see all of the behind the scenes, join our
patreon patreon dot com for slash to be better. Quick
shout out to soul Story. I'm trying. I'm trying not
(31:59):
to say real name. I want to say it's soul Story.
But I saw her hyping up you hyping me up. Yeah,
soul Story. I appreciate that. Like girl to girl, thank
you for seeing that. I'm happy.
Speaker 2 (32:14):
We really do have one of the coolest communities I've
ever been a part of. Yeah, and real shit like
I pay for I think five discords, five patreons right on,
four four patreons right now. So I'm a member of
a lot of other communities that I gain knowledge from,
but none of them have a community like we have.
Like the Discords in there are normally dead, they're not active.
Are Discord's fucking thriving? Yes, there's not a lot of
(32:34):
discords where people play video games with their their patrons
like that. It's just not I don't know. We have
a very unique situation. It's really fucking cool Petrov are
trying to get her mind out of the gut or
by pedaling Patreon, I see what you did there.
Speaker 3 (32:47):
Yeah, it's like thinking about Grandma to get rid of
the boner.
Speaker 2 (32:50):
That's funny.
Speaker 3 (32:56):
I've had multiple conversations about how the groping makes me
feel more multiple times over the last couple of years.
He tells me that's just how he is when he
is showing his affection. I feel like everything that you
have said up until this point kind of adds validity
to that. Is how men show their affection.
Speaker 2 (33:14):
It is okay, it is and we can we can
even take the sexual aspect away from this. You look
at any teenage boy and the way they are with
their friends. They hit each other. Yeah, they roast each
other like they're shit talking. They'll hide shit from each
other and be dicks to each other.
Speaker 3 (33:34):
Like, take it even further, they act that way with
their sisters.
Speaker 2 (33:37):
Yeah, that's that is how we show like it's an
aggressive thing and this this real shit. This actually stems
down from lack of emotional intelligence. Yeah, and poor parenting,
because if parents taught young men how to emotionally regulate
and describe what they're feeling, they wouldn't do that shit
to that degree. They would save the physical aggression for
(33:59):
physical aggression, and they would be able to articulate their
love and compassion in other ways or be playful. But
because they don't know how to do that, it always
goes back to wrestling and doing those things. So for
him to do that, maybe that is just how he
shows affection. But I'm also willing to bet he does
a whole lot of other things I agree, like making
sure your fucking oil has changed, or you know, if
you freaking start screaming because there's a spider in the
(34:21):
bathroom and he goes and gets a spider.
Speaker 3 (34:22):
Out of there, keeping you safe in public.
Speaker 2 (34:25):
It could be a whole lot of things.
Speaker 3 (34:27):
I also want to go back to the boy aggression
between boys and the nextending to the sisters.
Speaker 2 (34:34):
I have a son.
Speaker 3 (34:36):
The amount of times this little seven year old ball
of boy energy house a run up to me and
punch me in my thighs, hit me with like a
superman pos and just run.
Speaker 2 (34:47):
Away like that. That is his affection.
Speaker 3 (34:50):
I'm thinking of you right now in the moment, Mommy,
I'm having a blast and playing. You're in my little
world right now and now I'm gone.
Speaker 2 (34:55):
Yep. Yeah, they get a step further. The way that
men connect with their children is through wrestling.
Speaker 3 (35:01):
Yes, it is playtime. That is actually that was scientifically proven.
It is that male bonding with their children is through playtime, wrestling,
cute aggression.
Speaker 2 (35:11):
It absolutely is. And you can see it with me
a little man because every time I fuck with him,
it's the highlight of his day because I don't always
have the time to do it right. So like in
that world, I get to come out of my adult
pops world and into a little man's world and we
get to play and have fun for a little while
his cup gets filled. We bond over that. People really
need to fucking research the other side of the aisle.
Speaker 3 (35:35):
Yes, men are from Mars, Women Are from Venus is
a very good book. Yeah, very good. Way to the
way that he creates it is there's the Martians and
the Venetians and the way that he separates them and
almost creates this ultimate reality where the genders are these
two different species helps put things into perspectives and see
(35:58):
things differently from the other polarity.
Speaker 2 (36:01):
Yep, look at me sliding words in there like that.
Speaker 3 (36:06):
I want him to not make me feel like I'm
supposed to be a housewife in the fifties.
Speaker 2 (36:10):
What's wrong with being a housewife from the fifties. It's
wrong in being a housewife period.
Speaker 3 (36:15):
I want to know what she means by that.
Speaker 2 (36:17):
I'm sure she'll tell us.
Speaker 3 (36:18):
He wants me to practically be one, But I too
have a full time job that can be stressful. Okay,
so what does a housewife in the fifties looks like
to you?
Speaker 2 (36:28):
Right?
Speaker 3 (36:29):
And that offends me a little bit. I bet it does, right,
because I recognize that I say right as a way
to pause so I can get my shit together before
I'm talking. Right.
Speaker 2 (36:42):
Right, I just did it again.
Speaker 3 (36:45):
I take a lot of pride in my contribution that
I do in the household and being a housewife. And
I am still, I mean technically not a housewife because
we are I'm working, and I'm an entrepreneur, and I
have all of these things going on. I work from home, right,
We travel sometimes, but home base is where we are,
(37:06):
so I do classify myself still as the housewife, working
from home, maintaining everything, creating my own schedule.
Speaker 2 (37:13):
I still view you as a stay at home Oh
that makes me feel good. I really do. Like I know, Okay,
well this is a side rail. I don't care. Okay,
Yes you record podcasts, and yes you have your women's group,
and yes you're writing a book and you have all
these side projects that you do. You are a mother
and a wife before everything. Yeah, and that's not ever
(37:34):
been compromised because of the podcast or because of work
or as traveling or whatever the case may be.
Speaker 1 (37:40):
You have.
Speaker 2 (37:41):
You don't have a forty hour work week in terms
of work anymore. If you are working forty to sixty
hours a week and still doing all the mom and
wife and home life stuff, I can see how that
would be a different conversation. But I still very much
view you as a stay at home wife. You don't
handle the finances. No, you don't handle your car stuff
like I handle ninety percent of our life. You handle
(38:04):
the things that you are coaching other women on, and
you run our home. And this is this does tie
into the experience that we had over the weekend. Like
I really do view our existence together inside of this
domain as your space. And I wouldn't be able to
live the life that we live together and do the
things that I do for you if you didn't do
(38:26):
all of these other things. So like that whole, I
don't want to be treated like a fifties housewife. Like, bro,
I have a good fucking life. What do you mean? Right? Yeah,
I know a lot of people who would love, absolutely
love to be treated the way that you're treated. And
I treat you like a housewife?
Speaker 3 (38:44):
Now, are you throwing in the fifties because he's abusive?
That's the only thing my mind correlates to the fifties.
Speaker 2 (38:50):
Is that wasn't always the case though, No, it wasn't.
Speaker 3 (38:53):
But with the verb is that she's been using to
demonize him and make him look bad.
Speaker 2 (38:57):
That's where my mind's going to.
Speaker 3 (38:58):
Because feminists will go back to, well, in the forties
and fifties, women were forced to be home and be
beat and they couldn't divorce their husbands and all those
kinds of things.
Speaker 2 (39:06):
Yeah, that's not necessarily true though, that's just a narrative.
Speaker 3 (39:10):
Right, No, I agree. I'm just trying to decipher as
to why that's such a negative thing. Yet to him,
my job is easy and I shouldn't be stressed out. Oh,
I wonder what your job is. I wonder what his
job is. He expects me to do too much, and
it breaks me down when I do some of the
things and he doesn't do anything to help keep things
(39:32):
the way they are.
Speaker 2 (39:34):
This is a very You're saying so much, but you're.
Speaker 3 (39:36):
Saying nothing at the same time, right, right, So what
is he asking you to do that's too much? What
is he not willing to do that's adding to your plate?
This feels like a scarecrow argument to me. Yeah right,
it's just I'm gonna blow on it, and this is
gonna fall apart because there's no true substance of what
you are talking about in the story that you're telling us.
(40:00):
He won't fold laundry, but we'll go through it in
the basket and leave it everywhere in his tornado of
looking for something.
Speaker 2 (40:08):
Okay, So, did you guys ever have a discussion that
laundry was your domain? Was that ever a thing? Or
have you just done laundry the entire time and all
of a sudden there's a problem with it, Like that's
one of those things that doesn't just happen, right, Like
when you guys first start living together and one of
you does the laundry. If somebody's the one that's always
doing it, and that becomes the normal routine, laundry is
(40:29):
your responsibility.
Speaker 3 (40:30):
M hm.
Speaker 2 (40:31):
You took that upon yourself, like real shit, that happens
a lot.
Speaker 3 (40:34):
Yeah, speak up, continuing, I feel like there's no point
in doing anything to clean up the house when he
does something like when he trims his beard and won't
clean up the hair that's all over the sink, even
when I basically plead him to clean up after himself.
Speaker 2 (40:48):
I'm going to challenge that too.
Speaker 3 (40:50):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (40:51):
I can go in my bathroom right on my side
of the bathroom right now, and there's hair all over
the place, But I still clean my hair up. Whenever
I shave my I wipe my sink out, I will
sweep the floor up. But when you're using electric clippers
and you're shaving, that goes everywhere. So unless you stop
to physically clean your entire area every time you shave
(41:13):
your face with clippers or shave your head, that's just
going to be a thing. Yeah, I know that, you
know that I clean that shit because I do it
in front of you every time. We do it, like
literally every time. But there's still hair on the sink. Yeah,
there's hair near the mirror. There's hair probably on your
side of the sink because it goes flow every time. No,
it's pretty centralized to your side. And it's not a
(41:36):
lack of cleaning. It's just that that's one of those things.
It could be a lack of cleaning effectively. But it's
clean enough that, like, I don't think about it, and
when I see it, I'll wipe it. But I guarantee
I could go in there right now and find hair
on the sink.
Speaker 3 (41:50):
Do you guys have one sinker too? Good question, because
if you have two sinks, I'll clean your sink once
a week. Outside of that, it's on you to make
sure it looks pretty. And if you don't care and
you are cool with me cleaning it once a week,
it does not bother me. I'm not using your side
of the sink. I'm not looking at it, I'm not
breathing in its direction. I Am not going to overwhelm
(42:14):
and stress myself out with perfection when in reality, hair
and the sink is not going to be the end
of the world, right, right, It's also not going to
attract bugs or roaches. It's not food sitting out, it's
not crumbs, it's not spilt milk sticky on the floor.
Speaker 2 (42:32):
I think everybody does have their own idea of what
needs to happen for cleanliness. Yeah, Like, we just were
on an airbnb for the weekend. That airbnb was not
lived in, and they have a cleaning people that come
in and clean every time somebody leaves, so it's perfect,
but no one lives in it, so there's not an
abundance of stuff. There's no Amazon packages, there's no boxes
laying around. Like, it's very different than a lived house.
(42:54):
It's not a Pinterest home right like right, the idea
like our house kind of just gonna throw you under
the bus a little bit. When we got home yesterday,
we came home to a chaotic mess. Yeah.
Speaker 3 (43:07):
I so I cleaned the house before the kids come over,
and then the house just gets a mess and I
try to spot clean, but you know, we get Amazon
packages throughout the week, and like every week there's a
reset and then at the end of the week, it's
a fucking mess again.
Speaker 2 (43:20):
Because we live here.
Speaker 3 (43:21):
Right, and we were also leaving for the weekend, and
it was between me packing and making sure I had
everything for the weekend or spending time cleaning the house.
Speaker 2 (43:29):
Before we left, right, and you kind of had a meltdown.
I did, No, I did. I did have a moult down. Well,
I wasn't gonna throw you under the bus.
Speaker 3 (43:35):
So well you just said I'm gonna throw under the bus.
Speaker 2 (43:37):
Yeah, a little bit, because I was bringing up the
fact that you were stressed out about it. None of
this matters to me. Like, we live here, and would
it be cool to not have like clutter, sure, but
we also like having the things that we have, so like,
where's the balance in that we just never buy anything
(43:57):
ever again and never leave anything out and like live
like we belong and fucking has matt suits, Like fuck that, dude.
I want to enjoy my life. Yeah, so this whole like,
are we going to really fight over hair on the sink? No? No,
we're not. Like I'll say some shit if there's there's
food left out because I refuse to live in a
(44:18):
house with bucks. That's a very different conversation, right, I
don't know. I don't get it. I really don't get it.
You fucking live in your house, right, somebody in chat
said he lived in home is way different than a
dirty home. It really fucking is. Like and so like,
pieces will do our floors a lot. We have a dog.
She brings dirt in all the time, and if I
notice dirt on the floor, I will stop what I'm
(44:40):
doing and quickly sweep the floor up because I don't
want nobody to step in that. We don't have people
over here. Carrie is literally the only person that ever
comes to our house. And like, yeah, she's not worried
about it. I'm not worried about it. So like she
wears socks right right, We're good on that. Yeah, But
if I see something on the floor as I walk by,
I'm a quick like spot clean that shit. But you
do the floor a lot, like you clean the house
(45:01):
on a weekly basis. I don't need to go and
do all of that shit. Like I could leave all
of that on the floor and it's not going to
hinder our life in any way, shape or form. It's
just a I see it, I get it kind of thing. Yeah,
I don't understand why people choose to fight. Zach said,
the hair on the sink isn't the issue. She just
does not like where her life is right now. She's
(45:22):
probably emotionally mentally exhausted. She feels unseen and unheard, and
she needs something from him. Right. We touched on that earlier.
She's not saying what she needs, She's beating around the bush.
They're not having the discussions. We touched on that right
at the very beginning of the episode.
Speaker 3 (45:37):
Yes, it also just dawned on me that this feels nitpicky.
So I'm gonna go back and read he won't fold
the laundry, but we'll go through it in the basket
and leave it everywhere in his tornado of looking for something.
I feel there's no point in doing anything to clean
because he trims his beard and won't clean the hair.
He won't even offer to help me with the house chores.
(45:57):
But we'll surely bring up the like three times he
has clean in the past almost five months of living
together or five years.
Speaker 2 (46:05):
I apologize, he will surely.
Speaker 3 (46:07):
Bring up the like three times he has clean in
the past almost five years of living together, and that
apparently just trumps everything that I have done in the
last almost five years.
Speaker 2 (46:17):
Keeping score.
Speaker 3 (46:19):
Okay, so how did we go from can you help
me fold the laundry too? Well, I did the laundry
last last September. Well, fuck you, I do the laundry
every single day.
Speaker 2 (46:34):
You know, she didn't bring up what cooking and dishes?
Wonder who does that?
Speaker 3 (46:37):
Oh that's a good Oh that's the next thing.
Speaker 2 (46:40):
Oh did you bring up car maintenance? We'll see, babe,
bill pay.
Speaker 3 (46:44):
We'll see. I don't know. He won't even offer to
help me with the house chores. But what does he
do when you say, babe, can you help me with
the house chores?
Speaker 2 (46:54):
Right?
Speaker 3 (46:55):
So, you are looking for this man to just read
your mind and wait on you hand and foot like
you just want to be taken care of. That's what
I'm getting from this. At this point, you don't want
to have to say anything. You don't want to have
to verbalize what you're looking for. You want him to
just look at you, know what you need in the moment,
and tend to it. You know, the laundry is not done,
(47:18):
but you're not going to do it until I say, hey, babe,
can you go get the laundry done? Because I do
the laundry. I do the dishes. You know there's dishes
in the sink. But you're not going to touch the
dishes in the sink until I say, hey, babe, I'm busy.
Would you mind tossing everything in the dishwasher?
Speaker 2 (47:31):
You're right on the sink aspect. I tried to do
the laundry for you and I got a trouble, That's true.
I do have to ask for help.
Speaker 3 (47:39):
More on that though.
Speaker 2 (47:40):
Yeah, yeah, I don't mind doing laundry, right, you know,
as long as I have to fold it and put
it away. Getting the machine is easy. Yeah, I don't know.
This is one of those things. Yes, Jenna, she does work.
She has a full time job. She says, this is
one of those things though that like, you're right, if
she has to add it shouldn't be a problem, right,
(48:01):
Squeaky wheel gets the grease. If you need something, you
should speak up. Is there a true unbalanced division of labor,
because I'm willing to bet that there's not. I'm willing
to bet there's a whole lot of things that he
does that gets overlooked because that's his responsibility and he
just does them in silence, just like he probably assumes
laundry and the you know, cleaning is her thing. M
(48:25):
so you said that cooking thing was next.
Speaker 3 (48:27):
Yep, I am the only cook in the house. I've
had my brother over for dinner before and had had
to ask him to grill the steaks because I am
not the greatest on the grill. Yet I will gladly
in parentheses make a plate for my husband if I
am making one for myself as well.
Speaker 2 (48:43):
Only if you're making one for yourself though, Right, So
you're only doing it out of convenience when you're up
there for you, Right, So you don't serve your husband, right,
and you expect him to serve you. Right, Okay, even
if I'm not eating, I will get up and make
your plate and make sure you have everything that you need.
Speaker 3 (48:58):
To be fed.
Speaker 2 (48:59):
Right. We take care of your each other.
Speaker 3 (49:00):
Right, Continuing, If I make dinner and he doesn't make
it home until later, he will expect me to just
get up and make him a plate.
Speaker 2 (49:07):
Pause. Zach said this this is not my statement, but
I'm going to say it. If you guys are going
to write in about a division of labor, I want
a list of what jobs is who's mmmm and I
want like a true list, right, And this will actually
help you guys in your marriage to know whose jobs
are what, because it'll show a clear unbalance when you
(49:28):
write all this out. But I want a list of
all the things that she does and all the things
that he does, and don't don't try to like skimp
because if you leave things out, I'm good. Like the name.
I'm going to assume that it's his job. Yes, yeah.
Speaker 3 (49:39):
If I make dinner and he doesn't make it home
until later, he will expect me to just get up
and make him a plate.
Speaker 2 (49:45):
I would expect a plate to be made before I
got home.
Speaker 3 (49:49):
Your plate always is right, and it's wrapped in tenfoil,
and it's sitting in the microwave, and I am watching
for you to get home so I can make sure
that before you even say foot in the house, the
microwaves going forty five seconds. I'm gonna come give you
a kiss. Baby. Your dinner's gonna be ready in a second.
Speaker 2 (50:06):
It's love that makes me feel loved.
Speaker 3 (50:09):
I don't care how late you could be getting home
at midnight. If you are out working your ass off
to provide for our household and you're getting home at midnight,
I'm setting an alarm for eleven thirty. I don't care
if I have to be up at five o'clock in
the morning to get the kids ready for school, I'm
taking that time to make sure that you're taking care
of At the end of your workday, I can go
back to bed.
Speaker 2 (50:29):
It's a whole lot of men out there who refuse
to work. Yeah, a whole lot of men out there
who don't want to hold down a job, that don't
want to go sweat outside and don't want to do
the hard things because they'd rather be fucking lazy and
have their women support them financially.
Speaker 3 (50:42):
Yeah, and I can. I can feel it now. Well,
she works a full time job. I've worked a full
time job, and I have done things like that for you. Yeah,
I am willing to put myself in uncomfortable positions. Waking
up at eleven thirty at night is an uncomfortable thing
to do. People will go as far to say, oh,
you're gonna have sex with him when you don't want to.
(51:02):
That's not what I'm talking about, right quick, going to extremes,
we can have a conversation about loving somebody and being
a little bit selfless.
Speaker 2 (51:10):
There was a hole, there was a time where we
weren't living together, and you would still come over and
clean my place and your lunch and do my laundry
and shit, yeah there was a hole. I'm gonna take
care of this man like you showed me that wife
material before you were ever my wife. Yep. You dress
for the job you want, not the job you have. Yeah.
Speaker 3 (51:32):
If I don't, then he will just not eat for
the night, or we'll completely skip over what I made
and go straight to the pantry for snacks instead of
making himself a plate. So I'm gonna pause there. That
sounds like convenience. It's easier to go and grab the
snack than it is to take everything out of the refrigerator,
portion it onto my plate, get into the microwave. If
he's getting home later than normal, this man's fucking tired,
(51:54):
that would be the night. I'm going above and beyond
to make sure that you're fed.
Speaker 2 (51:57):
I do that shit sometimes, what do you mean, Oh,
for the snack instead of the leftovers, because it's easier.
It's easy, right, if I'm tired and I don't want
to have to make a decision or think I'm grabbing
a bag of chips out of the kid's cabinet, and
I'm fucking going to sit down on the couch and
eating fridos.
Speaker 3 (52:11):
Right, it is.
Speaker 2 (52:13):
There is a level of I'm fucking done for the day.
Speaker 3 (52:16):
Yeah, and you're not an inconvenience to me.
Speaker 2 (52:20):
We could be sitting on.
Speaker 3 (52:21):
The couch together.
Speaker 2 (52:22):
This happens all the time. Hey babe, can you go
make me a peanut butter and jelly sandwich? Done?
Speaker 3 (52:26):
Unless you beat me to it because I have to
use the bathroom.
Speaker 2 (52:29):
It happened.
Speaker 3 (52:30):
I was so mad when I rounded that corner. I
didn't see you on the couch, and I was like,
that fucker. I feel like you're depriving me of moments
to love you as your wife when you do that.
Speaker 2 (52:39):
It's funny. I was hungry, and it's not funny. It
hurts my heart.
Speaker 3 (52:43):
It makes me bleed spiritually.
Speaker 2 (52:48):
I was hungry, hungry. Just starve a little bit longer
for me. It's funny.
Speaker 3 (52:58):
And that tells me right, you're not an inconvenience to me.
I am willing anything you ask. You don't take advantage
of me, right first and foremost, you don't take advantage
of me. You know I am going to get up
and do something when you ask me to, and you
don't abuse that so when you do ask me to
do something for you, I'm going to do it. It
(53:20):
is not going to disrupt the rest of my day.
You're not fucking up my chie So hearing her say
these kinds of things, you, guys, your whole relationship is
fucked up. It's not just that he's not doing these things,
as you say, although I think that your perspective of
things is very, very skewed. Your guys' relationship has not
(53:41):
been okay for a very very long time. And it's
not just the things that he's not doing.
Speaker 2 (53:47):
I also don't make demands of you.
Speaker 3 (53:49):
No, you don't like it always.
Speaker 2 (53:50):
I know that if I was like, go make me
a sandwich, you'd go make me a sandwich. But I
don't talk to you that way. I always ask you,
will you please make me a sandwich? Or next time
you get up, can you grab me a drink? Like?
But I so do that shit for you, like if
I'm going to the kitchen, do you need anything? Like?
This is a serve each other. We are trying to
make each other's life as comfortable as possible. And if
it ever became one sided and you felt like all
(54:12):
you did was serve me, and I never served you back.
I could see how you would have a problem with that.
That's a valid fucking argument. The reality is is that's
not the case. And like in the event that this
was us, and I don't do dishes, I don't cook,
and I don't do laundry more than maybe twenty percent
(54:33):
of the year, and even that's probably pushing it. I like,
help you get the laundry to and from the laundry room. Yeah,
And like I fluff it, and I will aid in
that aspect. I do a whole lot of other shit,
like make sure that you have a phone charger, or
make sure that your oil has changed, or you know,
make sure that you get to the er when you
break your foot, make sure that your fucking meds are
(54:55):
taken care of, making sure I'm taking my meds, making
sure that you have emergency tamp in my backpack when
we travel because they don't have tampons in certain countries.
Don't tell me that I don't fucking serve you, Like right,
this is an EBB and flow and it may not
look like me cleaning the house, but you ain't gonna
ever not have feminine hygiene products. I'll keep that shit
in my backpack if I have to, don't give a fuck,
(55:15):
right right like so perspective, Yeah, I don't get it.
I don't get it.
Speaker 3 (55:23):
I am the only one who does dishes. He will
deliberately wait for me to get up with my plate
to have me take his for either more food or
he's done.
Speaker 2 (55:33):
He don't ever take your plate away, Like he's never
taken your plate away and just got up and grabbed
the shit and gone. I don't believe that never.
Speaker 3 (55:42):
I would like an answer to that. Yeah, I'm the
emails wrapping up, but I want to say this before
I lose my thought. Are you the woman who's worthy
of receiving the things that you are asking for of
this man?
Speaker 2 (55:56):
Oh?
Speaker 3 (55:57):
Are you a bitch? Do you undermine his feelings? Do
you question his leadership? Do you put him down? Do
you call him names? Do you yell at him in arguments?
Do you always come out on top? Do you spend
whatever you want? Do you not care about finances? There
(56:18):
was so much of his perspective that lacking in this.
I do not believe that majority of men are just
pieces of shit? Do I think that there is a
small majority of humanity including both genders out there who
are just fucked up beings who will do things because
it makes them feel good, regardless of what it, oh
excuse me, does to the people around them. Yes, do
(56:40):
I think that this man is that way? No? I
believe after six years, this man's fucking tired, the same
way this emailer is saying that she's tired.
Speaker 2 (56:51):
And if he did everything that she wanted him to do,
would that fix the intimacy in their marriage?
Speaker 3 (56:56):
Right?
Speaker 2 (56:57):
What would that change? Other than you would have somebody
to clean up the hair, You'd have somebody help you
with chores. You'd have a roommate. Right, you wouldn't have
a husband, You'd have a roommate.
Speaker 3 (57:07):
There is so much more, But to sit here and
keep typing all of this, I would just need a
body cam just to show you a day or two
in my life. I feel like he is deliberately pushing
me away so he won't be the bad guy if
anything ever happens, because I feel like I'm about to crack.
I would believe it feels like he's pushing you away.
I believe that it's different from what you're seeing.
Speaker 2 (57:28):
Though, Why do you say that?
Speaker 3 (57:31):
Because if she thinks that she is the victim of
all of this, and he's pushing her away just to
make her look like the bad guy. She is completely
negating every experience he's ever had in their relationship. He
couldn't possibly be distancinghi self because he doesn't feel like
a person in this relationship. It couldn't be that he
doesn't feel heard, or that he doesn't feel understood, or
(57:52):
that he feels like every time something's brought to him
he's being attacked.
Speaker 2 (57:56):
We see that a lot. Yeah, with all the couples
retreats that we've done like that, that has been a underlying,
repetitive thing where people have been at odds and attacking
each other because they refuse to see what their partner's
actually doing.
Speaker 3 (58:09):
Yes, yeah, I would also say that her behaviors are
also pushing away knowing that he's coming home late at
night and not trying to help put his plate together.
Speaker 2 (58:19):
In my mind, that's distancing. Yeah.
Speaker 3 (58:22):
You should want to greet your man lovingly and warmly
and have his food ready for him.
Speaker 2 (58:29):
I would feel a certain kind of way if I
came home super late and you were in bed, and
I didn't have a plate in the microhon all lights
were off, in the house even that, Like so once
in a while that wouldn't fuck with me. But like
if that was a norm, if I came home and
all lights were off and there was no plate in
the microwave and you were sleeping and that was my routine,
that would destroy me.
Speaker 3 (58:48):
It's like, you're a fucking ghost, right.
Speaker 2 (58:50):
Why am I doing this? But like once in a
while it wouldn't bother me. But like coming home in
there never being a plate in the microwave with like
ready to go for me to just hit one fucking
eat and go to bed, that that would that would
bother me. The other way around, coming home and you
never being awake for any of it would really fucking
bother me. I Like, granted we we personally don't do that.
(59:11):
We don't try to ever go to bed without each other.
There have been a couple of times where like something
has happened where one of us has been out later
than the other. I always try to wait up. I'm
sometimes I'll fall asleep, like watching TV and bed or whatever,
but like I do try to stay awake. I don't
want to not hear about your night. I don't want
to miss a phone call in case of a fucking emergency.
(59:34):
Like I understand that that's that's our existence, and that
there are people out there who work late and that's
just the way that they live their lives. But I
still I don't, I couldn't do it. Is that the
end of the email?
Speaker 3 (59:47):
No, Okay, you ready continue? He has even brought up
thinking about separating from me a few months ago when
we were fighting, and that has been heavy on me
ever since.
Speaker 2 (59:58):
So there's some truth in that, Yeah, there is. So
now we find out that they're actually fighting on a
regular basis, right yep, to the point where he's actually
considering leaving.
Speaker 3 (01:00:08):
And that says a lot because she hasn't said that
in this email. She's just upset at him. She hasn't
said she's wanted to leave, right.
Speaker 2 (01:00:16):
I wonder what his side of things looks like.
Speaker 3 (01:00:18):
Yeah, you can't just say something like that, cheer wife
and not expect it to weigh heavy on her. For
a long time, my depression has been bad and I
am not motivated. And we had the last spat about
the kids thing a week ago. I pretty much told
him that if he doesn't want kids, and there is
no reason for us to be together, anymore, And that
was when he knew I was upset. Now he is
(01:00:39):
trying to play nice and is constantly asking me what's
wrong and trying to be sweet to not sound like
the bad guy, and I feel like he is manipulating
me all the time to make me feel bad or
everything for everything, or make me feel like it's my fault.
Speaker 2 (01:00:52):
Okay, No, you have to back up. There's so much
that we have to pick a part in that. They
had an argument about the kid thing. What did he
say after that? What did you say after that?
Speaker 3 (01:01:06):
The last thing was I pretty much told him that
if he doesn't want kids, and there's no reason for
us to be together anymore. And that was when he knew.
Speaker 2 (01:01:13):
I was upset, Okay, And then.
Speaker 3 (01:01:16):
Now he is trying to play nice and is constantly
asking me what's wrong in trying to be sweet not
sound like the bad guy, and I feel like he
is manipulating me.
Speaker 2 (01:01:24):
That's she, She just ran right over that whole thing.
Speaker 3 (01:01:27):
Right.
Speaker 2 (01:01:28):
The reality is is he sees that the relationship is
fucked up.
Speaker 3 (01:01:31):
He's giving you what you fucking want.
Speaker 2 (01:01:32):
Right, He's trying to fix things, and you're overlooking at
his manipulating Right, and you're looking at it. Maybe he
is manipulating you, right, We don't know. But the reality
is is you said that he realized that you were unhappy,
and now he's constantly asking you what's wrong and is
trying to talk to you to fix the shit.
Speaker 3 (01:01:50):
Acting sweetly. And I feel like he is manipulating me
all the time to make me feel bad for everything
or make me feel like it's my fault. Just because
you feel that way doesn't mean it's reality, right. We
need examples of what is being said and not just
what you heard. What did the person say to you
to make you feel that way? And you're only feeling
(01:02:11):
a certain way because of the emotional connection you have
to the situation. Your feelings are not facts. The way
you feel about the situation is not the truth of
the situation. It's just the way your body and your
your mind is reacting to what's going on. All of
that goes through is cognitive bias, your traumas, your triggers,
your past experiences. There is not a single eyewitness accounts
(01:02:35):
that I fully believe to be the truth.
Speaker 2 (01:02:37):
Well right, and in a situation of a marriage that
one experience at most as half of the experience. The
reality is is it's probably only a.
Speaker 3 (01:02:46):
Third, right, because there's the other hers.
Speaker 2 (01:02:48):
In the truth and the truth right. The kid then
got brought back up and somebody in the chat had
mentioned it to you really want to have kids with
somebody that you don't like, Like, you're seven years into
this marriage and you guys can't get along in your
depressed and you think he's a piece of shit man, right,
and you want to fucking birth the child with him.
Why so you guys can get divorced and then you
can be like he's a piece of shit father, Like.
Speaker 3 (01:03:10):
Right, fuck up the kid's life too. I really do
love him with all of my heart, but at this
point I don't think we are good for each other
in the long run, because these so called little things
are not something I think I can deal with for
the rest of my life.
Speaker 2 (01:03:25):
They're so called little things are little things. And if
you want a kid, I got news for you. You better
get used to cleaning up after another human being. Oh yeah,
and I don't give a shit that you're working a
full time job, because kids are are a fucking hurricane
and every room that they're in constantly.
Speaker 3 (01:03:41):
Parenthood is so much harder than marriage.
Speaker 2 (01:03:42):
Right until they're old enough to value cleanliness. You don't
give a fuck about any of that. Our kids will
literally lay on on crummy food and fall asleep.
Speaker 3 (01:03:51):
Yes, the amount of ritz cracker sleeves I've found hidden
in our son's bed.
Speaker 2 (01:03:56):
Right, zero fucks are given dinosaur toys, legos, fucking straws,
clothes hangers, socks.
Speaker 3 (01:04:05):
Those kids will fall asleep with food on their face
if I didn't tell them to go wash it.
Speaker 2 (01:04:08):
Right, Like somebody said, hair bothers, you wait until there's
a banana smashed into the couch. You are not wrong.
You are not fucking wrong. Was that the end of
the email?
Speaker 3 (01:04:19):
That was the end of it? Do you want to
do another one?
Speaker 2 (01:04:21):
Um? I feel like that was probably way more productive
than the first email we read. I feel good about
that email. The first one that we did earlier today
I did not feel good about.
Speaker 3 (01:04:30):
I agree.
Speaker 2 (01:04:31):
I think we should do another one, and in worst
case scenario, we can drop that other one is bonus
content if we use it. How long have we been
on hour and fifteen minutes? Yeah, let's do one more.
Let's pick another one out of that folder.
Speaker 3 (01:04:43):
What conversations should we have before children. Oh, this is
a theme. I didn't see the rest of the sentence.
Speaker 2 (01:04:49):
Happy accident. Let's go fuck it.
Speaker 3 (01:04:52):
New listener. So this is a topic that's already been
addressed in content. I haven't gotten to it yet. I apologize. Okay,
so far, I've really been enjoying your YouTube videos and
TikTok as does my boyfriend. Much of our relationships and
belief system align with yours. We are getting married next
year and plan to have a family after while, we
have discussed around what parenting would look like, how we'd
(01:05:14):
approach private versus public school discipline, et cetera. I'm curious
to hear from actual parents, like what like you, what
conversations you recommend we should be having that we may
not be thinking about yet, if it's helpful to provide
some context for our specific situation. We both plan on
continuing to work full time. To be clear, if I
(01:05:34):
told him today I no longer wanted to work, He's
already expressed he's happy, willing, and able to be a
full time provider. Though I work completely from home and
truly enjoy my work and feel strongly that I'd miss it,
which is why the plan now is to proceed into
future parenthood under the assumption that I would go back
to work after twelve weeks of maternity leave.
Speaker 2 (01:05:54):
I I'm good. I don't think that. I don't like
the two parent system work.
Speaker 3 (01:06:00):
Yeah, I don't think women understand what it means to
work as a mother until they start working as a mother, right.
Speaker 2 (01:06:07):
I If you have the ability as a woman to
stay home and raise your children, you should do You
should fucking do that, especially if you've got a man
that makes good enough money to support all of you. You. Like,
there's no greater fucking responsibility or role or anything that
children iety, right, Right, unless you're like a piece of
(01:06:28):
shit person that's gonna fucking ignore your kids and play
on TikTok all day. Like, that's a very different conversation, right.
But Like, if you plan on having children and you
want to be a.
Speaker 3 (01:06:37):
Parent, you need to step away from work, right. That's
one of those sacrifices you're gonna have to give to
have children. I understand enjoying work. I enjoy being productive,
And if you can't create your own schedule, working from
home is dope. But your kids are still gonna know O,
mommy's off limits for the next eight hours. So who's
(01:06:57):
gonna watch the kids while you're working?
Speaker 2 (01:07:00):
What grade do you think we should pull the kids
out of? Because right now, like the only thing that's
keeping me from being like fuck it, pull the kids
from school is that right now, there's still very high energy. Yes,
there's still things that they need to get from the
school system, but like by fifth grade, I don't think
they're going to be in a public school system.
Speaker 3 (01:07:16):
I think fifth gradees to cut off for right.
Speaker 2 (01:07:18):
I want them to have the playtime and to do
all that, and I want them to be able to
understand how to do their own their school work and
get old enough that we can work and they'll go
do their own thing. So for example, days where we
have to live stream, we can get up do three
hours of school and be like, all right, you guys
got a two hour break. Here's the PlayStation, here's your bikes,
here's the fod outside, here some paintball guns, whatever the
(01:07:40):
fuck you want to go do, go do that. We
need two hours. We're gonna work. Then we're gonna come
back and you're gonna work some more like and like
that needs to be a thing. I don't like the
public school system. I don't like daycares. I don't like
that people are like here, grandma, right, and I'm gonna
go away for three weeks and not see my kid anymore.
Like I understand that there are people out there who
(01:08:02):
are chasing dreams and doing things, and that kids can
sometimes be in oops. Yeah, but if in this situation
where you know that you're going to get married and
the next step is to have a family, then you
need to have conversations about what it looks like to
actually stay home and raise your child.
Speaker 3 (01:08:16):
I agree. And that doesn't mean that you can't have
your own little side business or hustle or hobbies or
whatever you want to call it. I'm doing it, and
I'm still fully present with my children.
Speaker 2 (01:08:28):
You're a really good mom. Yeah, yeah, I like so, Yes,
I know you need to hear that more, right, Like
I think every mom needs to hear that more. Your
kids love you. You guys have movie nights with popcorn, and
like you read to them every night, and you do
homework and you're still cooking for them, and you go
run bike rides and you guys found owl pellets that
(01:08:51):
turned out to be fucking turtle shit like ha ha.
But you're out there spending time with the kids. You
take them to the beach, you do sand castles, you
do all the things that parents should be doing with
their children while still holding down a job and being
a wife. You're not passing the buck off to other
people like and I.
Speaker 3 (01:09:08):
Do it because I can create my own schedule, right,
And I got myself to a point in life to
make that a thing.
Speaker 2 (01:09:13):
Yep, it's a choice. Yeah.
Speaker 3 (01:09:17):
And if your husband is fully capable of providing for
you and taking care of holding down the forward of
the household, I think a fool would not take that.
I think that you would love doing something under your
own employment so much better than working under somebody else.
Speaker 2 (01:09:31):
Absolutely build your dream in said to somebody else's way.
Speaker 3 (01:09:33):
Right, you could be doing exactly what you're doing on
your own, making more than what you're doing.
Speaker 2 (01:09:38):
Was that the end of the email. It's not okay,
all right, I'm not trying to rush you. I was
just curious because there was questions that they.
Speaker 3 (01:09:45):
Asked, continuing, he has a firefighter with four days on,
four days off schedule. After talking with my mother, we're
comfortable with him handling childcare while I would be Monday
through Friday while he has his days off, obviously ever
having time to come home home and sleep after his
long shifts. My mom will come and stay with us
to provide childcare on days we're both working.
Speaker 2 (01:10:07):
So what happens when mom doesn't do that?
Speaker 3 (01:10:10):
What happened when Mom's sick? What happens when the baby
gets sick and Mom can't come over because she may
have improvide.
Speaker 2 (01:10:17):
A Weegan immune system, a Weegan immune system, or whatever
the case may be.
Speaker 3 (01:10:20):
Right, You cannot rely on other people to make your
life work. Yes, mom is all about it, she's excited
about the grand baby. She is not going to be
able to be there every single time, every single day.
Speaker 2 (01:10:31):
It's a reality. It is a reality.
Speaker 3 (01:10:34):
I think a lot of people going into parenthood are
very naive of what parenthood demands of you.
Speaker 2 (01:10:40):
I agree with that one hundred percent. I had it.
My firstborn was born when I was I was a minor. Still, like,
I fucking get it. I thought I knew a whole
lot of shit I didn't know. Yeah, I was wrong
as fuck. That that's the reality of it. You can't
rely on other people to raise your child like this
is a you responsibility as you bring this child into
(01:11:02):
the world, and there are a whole lot of people
out there that will step up and help, but you
can't demand it of them. And that's the reality of it.
What's that face for?
Speaker 3 (01:11:10):
Because she just said at this point, we're thinking we'll
try public school if it feels right at the time,
But right now things are looking real homeschoolish.
Speaker 2 (01:11:17):
How are you going to do that if you're working
full time.
Speaker 3 (01:11:19):
The only thing that comes to my mind is, so
now you're going to have mom also homeschool the children
while you're doing that. Like I am all about having
a village and being supportive, you don't need it. You
could be doing all of this for your children right now.
At this point, I'm viewing like you want your career
more than you want motherhood, right, And that's okay. It's
(01:11:39):
fucked up for you to bring children into this world
to have them raised by grandma.
Speaker 2 (01:11:43):
I agree.
Speaker 3 (01:11:44):
And your children are going to miss out on a
lot of you because you're being selfish and deciding to
go forward with the career. And I'm not saying you
can't have both. You can certainly have both, but one
of them is going to have to give.
Speaker 2 (01:11:55):
Yeah, one will be a priority.
Speaker 3 (01:11:56):
One will be a priority, and the children will feel
that whether that it's them or not.
Speaker 2 (01:12:02):
There's not been any real questions about the life experience though.
Well I don't know.
Speaker 3 (01:12:07):
We'll see, okay, but right now things are looking real
homeschoolish at least while our kids are young and impressionable. Fortunately,
my mom is a retired teacher who could provide this support.
Sorry if this context was more of a new sense,
but I've heard you say it's helpful for relationship questions,
so I thought it might be helpful here too.
Speaker 2 (01:12:25):
Yeah, this is a great conversation piece, but you're missing
out a whole lot of things, and you're relying on
your mom to raise your child, is what it sounds like.
Somebody in the chest said, what if your kid is
special needs?
Speaker 3 (01:12:36):
Right?
Speaker 2 (01:12:36):
And what are you going to do? Right? Because if
they require you to quit your job and be there
full time because your kid is maybe nonverbal, autistic, or
like angel men syndrome, right, it could be a whole
lot of things that could require you to quit your job.
Or are you going to be resentful that you decided
to have a kid and that your husband still gets
to go to work. And doesn't have to be their
first time because we've got those emails.
Speaker 3 (01:12:54):
We do.
Speaker 2 (01:12:56):
But so let's talk about some of the other questions
that should be asked. It's like discipline, religion, diet, holidays, holidays, Right,
there's a whole lot of other questions that need to
be talked about when kids come up. How about what
if there's a are we going to breastfeeder formula? How
are we going to pay for that formula? What if
(01:13:16):
there's a premature child in that formula? Is eighty dollars
a can? I understand he's a firefighter, but how is
that going to get taken care of? Right?
Speaker 3 (01:13:24):
Like, I didn't plan on spending eighty dollars a bottle
of formula, but I had to, right, so I brought
it up right, So this is the end. Apparently there's
an update, So this is the final sentence to the
first half of it. Thanks in advance for any insight
you can provide, looking forward to continue binging your content. Okay,
so with just based on what you have provided in
(01:13:46):
the conversations you've had with your husband about parenthood, I'm
taking away you're either very young or have not done
enough research. If you guys are into your your thirties,
mid thirties, and your you are not fully comprehensive of
what parenthood is demanding of you. I'm blown away because
you've only had two conversations, you working and then mom
(01:14:10):
watching the children and maybe homeschooling. Right.
Speaker 2 (01:14:12):
Well, see now you brought in the thirties. The older
you get, the more chance of birth effects. There are correct,
your great up right?
Speaker 3 (01:14:20):
Like right? If I'm correct, I believe your eggs start
degrading at twenty five years old, and once you hit
thirty it's halfed, and then every year after that, by
the time you're forty, I believe it's increased to seventy
percent of having a birth defect. Right, this is all
off of memory. I could be totally wrong. I one
hundred percent encourage you guys doing your own research into
these kinds of things.
Speaker 2 (01:14:40):
We're not professionals.
Speaker 3 (01:14:41):
No, it is very important that you understand your body
and what you're doing with putting things off and waiting
or not understanding.
Speaker 2 (01:14:49):
More questions that should be asked this on the whole
baby thing. What are we going to do about college?
Speaker 3 (01:14:54):
Right?
Speaker 2 (01:14:55):
Are we going to are we going to pay for
their college? Are we going to pay for a trade
school over college? Do you feel they should go to
college or a trade school? Are we gonna set up
a wroth? Yep, that could be. That's a whole last
question in itself, because the money that you are putting
away for college should go into a roth, and that
could set them up for retirement. Right, Like, there's a
whole lot of real conversations that need to go into
(01:15:15):
to that. Kids are not just a They're not a
dog bucket. Let's do this right.
Speaker 3 (01:15:21):
You're not going to throw the ball in the backyard
for twenty minutes a day and have them be good
to go. A lot of demanding a lot of focus.
And our son being born twenty twelve weeks prematurely, he
is struggling with reading and speech and math and all
of these things. I wouldn't say he's behind, but he's
definitely struggling, and it demands a lot of attention. Homework
(01:15:45):
isn't a quick one and done. This is forty five minutes,
hour and a half, and then I'm making dinner afterwards,
and then still helping Sissy with homework, and then we
have to do shower time, in bedtime, your free time
is going to go to zero, especially if you are
hung goat, gung ho whatever that word is, phrases of
(01:16:05):
continuing to work full time. It is going to be
very difficult for you to find a balance in your
life if you are a gung ho on maintaining a
full time career, working for somebody else, homeschooling, relying on mom.
Dad's a firefighter, he's going to be gone for four
days in a row. You're going to be putting a
lot on yourself and your self care time is going
(01:16:26):
to dwindle massively, massively, massively. What if you get called
into a work on a child's birthday? Are you willing
to miss that?
Speaker 2 (01:16:34):
Yeah? These are all things that happen to every parent. Yeah,
it's going to happen. There's gonna be time times where
you don't have a choice but to go to work
and mom can't watch the kid and you're scrambling to
find a fucking sitter or like that's just normal life shit.
Speaker 3 (01:16:47):
But you have an option that a lot of women
would fucking beg for. And I'm not saying give up
having a career. You can still have a career. I'm
saying you need to be an entrepreneur, and you need
to be charge of yourself and your own life, be
present for the children that you're deciding to bring into
this world. Continuing Yep, so this is an update from
(01:17:08):
the original. Yes, this question is still as relevant, perhaps
more so, as we are getting married in just a month.
We hope to start a family soon after the wedding,
and while we have had as many conversations as we
feel like we can have prior to that, I'd love
to hear from actual parents what conversations we should be having,
Questions we should be asking, research we should be doing,
et cetera beforehand to set us set us up for
(01:17:30):
success as parents while also nurturing our relationship with one another.
I've seen too many friends go from a couple to
just parents and lose sight of their relationship, which is
something huh, right, especially in the first year.
Speaker 2 (01:17:43):
Right. So, postpartum is one of those things that you
need to be researching.
Speaker 3 (01:17:46):
Postpartum everything, rage, anxiety, depression, all the gambits. We understand
that the dynamics and the day to day of our
relationship may be challenged and evolve, not may, they will
be Yep, they will be challenged, They will be challenged.
Speaker 2 (01:18:02):
And they will be forced to evolve.
Speaker 3 (01:18:04):
Yes, will be forced to evolve. This is not a maybe,
This is not a possibility. It is one hundred percent
going to happen.
Speaker 2 (01:18:11):
But it doesn't mean that it's a bad thing, right right,
That's what I was saying a minute ago, like this
shit happens to every parent. Yes, you can have. Everybody's
got a plan until they get punched in the mouth,
so Tyson said. And it's like that with parenting, and
kids are going to punch you in the mouth metaphorically
every fucking day.
Speaker 3 (01:18:28):
Sometimes physically. Yeah, okay, Yeah, we just want to do
our best to intentionally and proactively not fall into the
same trap. Some context for our specific situation I have
shared in previous emails. If it's helpful to have it
all in one place. Okay, So I'm confused. So she
laid out everything from the previous one, but I forgot
(01:18:48):
that she works from home full time. So your mom's
going to be coming over while you're locked away in
a bedroom working to watch the children. That that would
be so fucking hard for me.
Speaker 2 (01:18:58):
Yeah, especially when the kids starts screaming at the top
of their lungs because something happened right where you hear
a crash and a bull shatter while you're on a call.
Like also, I'm missing all of that.
Speaker 3 (01:19:09):
I'm gonna hear that day in and day out, and
then the laughter and the moments and they're watching a movie,
and then maybe my daughter singing her favorite song. I
want to hear that every single time, right, because her
voice is not gonna sound like this forever. Yeah. She
said that her job offers a creative outlet that she
enjoys that she did not provide in the previous email.
(01:19:31):
A mother has offered to provide childcare in our home
once we have children, so the cost of childcare does
not play a factor. My mother is a retired teacher,
so we has also talked about this possibility of homeschooling route. Okay,
but what about you homeschooling.
Speaker 2 (01:19:45):
What's the creative outlet that you can't do without your job.
Speaker 3 (01:19:49):
That's a good question. Don't tell me it's only fans.
Speaker 2 (01:19:53):
That's not a creative outlet. Fuck. The reality is you
don't need your job to do creative things. We are
fucking by design creative creatures. Whether you believe, whether you
believe in in like the Biblical aspect of creation or
the Rnakey aspect of creation. We are created and like
(01:20:16):
made in an image to build and do and create. Yes,
so like that is who we are. You have the
ability to do all kinds of creative shit. Your job
doesn't need to be there for that.
Speaker 3 (01:20:28):
What are you going to do if your mother passes
away and you now have a eight year old you
have to homeschool?
Speaker 2 (01:20:35):
Right?
Speaker 3 (01:20:37):
Or six and an eight year old? Because you said children,
that's a good question, right, There are so many other
things that need to be looked at. You cannot just
rely on your mother to be childcare and homeschool. What
are you going to do if you and your mother
have a falling out? What if you and your mother
disagree on disciplinary actions and you decide that her being
the childcare is not the best move and you you
(01:21:00):
know your mother best, and you can say that something
like that will never happen. We've seen it, We've heard
it in emails, we've experienced it. You can never predict
what's going to happen. So we've said it, I'm a
say it again. You cannot rely on other people to
take care of your children and make sure your household
is running the way it should be. I think having
mom with the plan is a dope idea. I think
(01:21:22):
having grandmother involved is a fantastic idea.
Speaker 2 (01:21:26):
Too.
Speaker 3 (01:21:27):
I don't think that. I don't know how long it's
been since she's been a teacher. I don't know what
grade she taught. We had grandma involved for a very
very long time. We had two under two, and Grandma
was involved, watching the children every single day while we worked.
And after about a year and a half, just one
day out of the blue, I'm not watching the children tomorrow.
(01:21:48):
I can't do this anymore. And now I'm scrambling. I
have to go to work tomorrow. I have nobody to
watch my children. It takes a toll on the body,
especially older people. And if she's in her sixties and seventies,
a year and a half of chasing after two children
in diapers, hunched over, making sure they're not getting into
it things is going to age her a lot. Continuing,
(01:22:12):
being that I have autism and ADHD, my thoughts around
planning for the future sometimes sends me into a spiral
because there is very seldom a clear, black and white
right answer for anything related to raising children. Oh man,
what are you going to do when you have the children,
because then you're going to be having conversations with the
kids or parenting or disciplining. And there's no black and
(01:22:32):
white answer for that either, right, It's all dependent upon
the child, upon the situation, the circumstance. There are so
many things that go into that. So if you can't
rely on yourself now to plan for the future of
having children, what are you going to be do when
you're actively involved with the children, having to make quick
(01:22:56):
decisions be on your feet.
Speaker 2 (01:22:58):
Oh, it's a whole thing.
Speaker 3 (01:23:00):
So if that's a concern for your autism and ADHD,
I would get all of that under wraps before I
even consider thinking about having children.
Speaker 2 (01:23:07):
Jenna said she's autistic, which increases the chance that her
kids will also be autistic. The reality is is you
can plan as much as you want, those plans go
out the window when life happens. So you want to
be as prepared as possible and flexible as possible and
not having to rely on other people to do something.
You and your husband are going to be the union, yes,
(01:23:29):
and you are going to be taking care of a family.
And if he's able to do the manshit and provide
and protect and do all of that while you're able
to mother and fucking teach and raise. Then you've got
it made right.
Speaker 3 (01:23:42):
Jenna said she's also depriving her mother the opportunity to
enjoy being a grandma. That is a very good point,
and that is true. That is a factual statement. Grandparents
who have to step up and be the parent to
their grandchildren step into that parent role so they aren't
allowed to spoil the grandchild and do all of these
fun things and don't tell mom although we don't do
(01:24:02):
that with the children, like we don't play that game.
But having that little secret, like I know Mommy is
not gonna be okay with you eating pop rocks. But
here's three.
Speaker 2 (01:24:11):
Oh fuck me, next thing. It's like a jolt of lightning.
I see it every time. Shout out to Kay in
the chat. She joined Patreon and immediately solid livestream and
jumped right in here. Yep, ain't nothing wrong with giving
kids pop rocks every once in a while. The grandparents,
(01:24:31):
what's the same, Raise your children so you can spoil
your grandkids and not spoil your kids, so you have
to raise your grandkids right.
Speaker 3 (01:24:38):
Yeah, I'm waiting to see my next thing happen, because
I've never seen it happen. It's a whole involuntary movement.
Yeah Jesus, all right. Continuing, I think I would find
full time parenting fulfilling, but I also feel like I'd
lose a part of myself if I quit working altogether.
Striking a balance between and sharing. My future family is
(01:24:59):
completely fulfilled by me, and I am fulfilling myself too.
Feels tricky and it's hard when I'm not a fly
by the seat of your pants type of person.
Speaker 2 (01:25:07):
How how would you raising your children not be the
most fulfilling thing you could do for your family. Everything
that you do with your kids is going to echo
throughout your family lineage. Everything that you do right with
your children is going to be passed down to their
their children, and then their children and then their children.
Speaker 3 (01:25:26):
Two hundred and forty people in your lifetime. If you
count down through your family.
Speaker 2 (01:25:30):
Right, it's a lot.
Speaker 3 (01:25:33):
I don't think that you need a job to have
a creative outlet. If that, if that is your excuse
for wanting to work full time, is that I need
the creative outlet. You can have that creative outlet on
your own, making one hundred percent of the income.
Speaker 1 (01:25:46):
Yep.
Speaker 2 (01:25:46):
Starting build a website and start selling your shit online, right,
Start painting, doing photography, sculpting, fucking weby whatever, right, anything
that you want to do that that sparks that creative
scratches that creative itch. And you can absolutely do that
shit on your own time. You know, paintings and things
like that are very time consuming, but you can do
(01:26:07):
it when you have the time to do it right,
you know. And at that point you're doing what you
want to do and then selling it versus taking commissions
and doing what other people want you to do. Jeff
and I had this conversation the other day about art. Yeah,
everybody thinks that they're going to become a tattoo artist
and just tattoo the shit that they want a tattoo,
And that's not how that works. You're gonna do with
a client once, and if you're a painter, you're gonna
do with a client once, right, unless you're a free
(01:26:29):
range artist that does whatever the fuck you want to
do and then try to sell what you want to
do two very different things.
Speaker 3 (01:26:35):
When I worked at the Tattoo Studio as the body piercer,
I would say it was maybe one in one hundred
where a tattoo artists got to do whatever they wanted
to do.
Speaker 2 (01:26:44):
It was very, very slim. Yeah, anything you want to
wrap up, any you want to.
Speaker 3 (01:26:48):
Say, no, not particularly.
Speaker 2 (01:26:50):
Do we want to drop the April Women's Retreat earlier
than December? We can.
Speaker 3 (01:26:56):
I think it would give more women, like they know
the dates, they'll be able to save money and all
those kinds of things.
Speaker 2 (01:27:01):
Yeah. Well, that's why I said we were going to
release it in December so that people had time for it.
But I thought about dropping it today because we did
our quarterly shirt drop this morning.
Speaker 3 (01:27:10):
Okay, I'm okay with that.
Speaker 2 (01:27:12):
I'm not going to do it today, but it may
get dropped before December because it's sitting there like that
stresses me out.
Speaker 3 (01:27:19):
Okay, So.
Speaker 2 (01:27:22):
We will see you guys tomorrow around.
Speaker 3 (01:27:25):
Noonish, I would say, eleven on TikTok.
Speaker 2 (01:27:27):
Eleven on TikTok and the noon on YouTube or live streams.
With that being said, guys, thanks for tuning in. Remember
you were the author of your own life, So grab
a pen and we will see you on the next one.
Speaker 3 (01:27:38):
Bye, guys,
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