Her side of the story S3 Ep37

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:01):
Look up with count all the things on the bottom.
All our wold is you.

Speaker 2 (00:14):
You're my favorite view. But that's nothing Grand Rising family.

Speaker 3 (00:26):
I just short circuited.

Speaker 2 (00:27):
I try it again, No, leave it. Hi, guys, we
just recorded an episode where we were reading things off
of our phone. So maybe this week's episode will be
us wearing the same thing and both things, which will
make clips really confusing. Yes, beautiful didn't plan that out
very well, I guess. But we're gonna do emails now

(00:48):
that we just spent an hour having conversation stuff. It
was fun.

Speaker 4 (00:51):
I am gonna tell a story. Okay, did I tell
you what our daughter did with the trash can?

Speaker 2 (00:55):
No?

Speaker 4 (00:56):
So I bought us this new trash can. Our old
trash can was gross and musty and I'm tired of
cleaning it. And I got some new fancy trash can.
It was eighty dollars on Amazon, and you just wipe
your hand in front of it and it whoop. I
was like, oh nice. And the children came home and
they liked the new trash can. They were messing with it.
And then our daughter taught me that if you push

(01:17):
the pictures of the opening clothes button, it just opens
it and it stays open instead of the timer to
automatically close again, which.

Speaker 2 (01:23):
Means she's just walking around randomly pushing buttons.

Speaker 3 (01:28):
Yeah, but we learned something from that.

Speaker 2 (01:30):
We don't do that, as I know, because we're going
to break something that's true. That's the suppression of the
creative mind.

Speaker 3 (01:37):
Yeah.

Speaker 4 (01:38):
So she did that, and she taught me something about
the trash can. I was like, all right, Nate, I'm
used to this. And then the other day I was cooking,
so here's our the stove, refrigerator, trash can, and the
stove is in the way the trash can, so I
can't see what's happening over there. And her daughter came
into the kitchen and she was like hi, mommy, and

(01:59):
I was like hi, and she was like what are
you doing.

Speaker 3 (02:01):
She's like throwing this away.

Speaker 4 (02:02):
I was like, okay. It goes to the trash can.
I hear the whoop the thing opening and a cloth
and she goes, mommy, you can open it with your foot.
I was like, what do you mean to can? I
was like can you what do you? What did you do?
I was like, is there a foot? I was like,
wait till I get kick.

Speaker 3 (02:18):
I was like wait till.

Speaker 4 (02:19):
I'm done doing what I'm doing, because I needed to
step away from the stove. I was imagining like a
foot pedal or like a side button where she sheouse
kicked trash can.

Speaker 2 (02:32):
I don't know.

Speaker 3 (02:34):
I don't know why I expected anything different.

Speaker 2 (02:36):
That's funny. I knew exactly where that was going. Yeah,
I would have done the same thing as a kid.

Speaker 3 (02:42):
That's exactly what happened.

Speaker 2 (02:43):
Yesterday when we were at the that plant store that
had the giant pond and the alligator in it. Yeah,
they Okay, if you are in Florida, where you are
visiting Florida, if you see a body of water, even
a swimming pool, assume there's an alligator in there. If
there is a body of water that is not a
swimming pool and it's not salt water, there is an

(03:05):
alligator in there. And if there's if you're you know,
in the Everglades, there could be crocodiles in the actual water.
So like oceans have sharks and possibly crocodiles, and we
have alligators in every body of water here. Yes, they
do sometimes end up in swimming pools, stand up on
people's porches like garages. Yeah, Godzilla's cousin is comfortable here,

(03:26):
and so they know, like, you know, don't don't fuck
with the alligators if you keep a distance, like be safe.
And they found a little baby alligator. It was maybe
four feet little guy and from head to tail, little
guy not you know, body with the tail. I walked by.
We were, you know, we all had our little moment
looking at it. It was cool, and they were standing there

(03:48):
but still, and we were looking at plants. And I
turned around and they were throwing things into the water.
They had to have been fifteen feet from so anyways,
we're at this this nursery and they're throwing things into
the water, and like I got really really mad because
they're putting themselves in danger. This little four foot alligator
is not going to charge them, but they don't know that,

(04:08):
and they're not thinking about that. They're trying to see
what happens. And I understand the curiosity of the creative mind.
And then I thought about, well, what if they hit
that thing with a stick or a rock and it
like hits him in the eye, Like they're gonna hurt
this thing, right, creature, Like, don't do that. Then we
had a whole lot of discussions and like the safety
aspect and the fact that it could bite them and

(04:29):
could drag them underwater, and like, we had a very
long discussion about all of the things that could happen.
I told them when they got home, they were gonna
be a whole lot of trouble. And we were about
an hour from the time that it happened until the
time that we got home. And I believe in correcting
things right there in the moment, not an hour or
two hours later, right And I was like, I pulled
a little man aside. I'm like, do you understand why

(04:51):
you're in trouble? And he was like, he said yes,
And he basically just regurgitated everything that I had said
back to me. And I was like, since you understand.

Speaker 3 (05:00):
From an hour prior.

Speaker 2 (05:01):
Yeah, I was like, since you understand, you're not in trouble.
I was like, I'm disappointed in you for what you did,
but I understand that, like you get it, So there's
no point in me harping on you anymore or punishing
you for it. You didn't hurt the alligator. There was
a whole lot of possibility that you could have, you understand,
And he said yes. I said, what did you think
was going to happen by doing that? And he said,

(05:22):
I don't know. And I said, then, why were you
doing it? He said, I don't know. And I was like,
you're not in trouble. We've already established it. You're not
in trouble. I was like, did you want to see
what would happen if you hit the water or if
you hit the alligator? And he said yeah, He's like,
I was just doing it to do it. I don't know.
I remember being seven years old, ten years old, fifteen
years old and just doing shit to do it. I

(05:44):
remember throwing rocks at things in the water to see
if it would run or what would happen when it happened.
That is the mindset of doing the ninja kick over
the garbage can to see if it would open. That's
the mindset of pushing buttons to see what happens. They
are pushing buttons, so to speak, to see what will happen. Yeah,
and they were both doing it, and though neither one

(06:06):
of them got hurt, the possibility of them getting hurt
was there. The possibility of them hurting the creature was there.
And that's where my frustration came in, and in that
hour long drive or time from the time it happened
until the time that we got home, I was able
to remember what it was like to want to see
what happened when things happened, and having the understanding of
I just want to know what will happen. That curiosity

(06:27):
has to be say shaded, because it's how we learn.
And I can allow them to figure those things out,
because if we weren't there and I didn't see it,
they would have thrown the things in the water and
it would have charged them, or it would have swam away.
Fuck around and find out would have been prime example
of the moment. And I needed to clarify that the
kids were not close to an alligator. They were probably
fifteen to twenty five feet away, and it was down

(06:49):
a hill in a pond, so like it's not like
it was five feet from them. They were safe, but
those things still run very quickly, and like I want
them to have a healthy fear of nature, of things
that could eat them, so that curiosity is there, and
I want the kids to continue to be curious. And
I don't want to take away their trial and error
of things, because when you lose the want to do

(07:13):
things through trial and error. You stop trying because well,
I just don't think it's gonna work, so I'm not
going to try. I'm afraid of failure. I'm afraid of
what will happen if I throw that rock. Like I
want them to still have that curiosity and the want
to figure it out on their own and then want
to learn. So I had a huge learning yesterday, her
a huge learning lesson yesterday where I was able to

(07:34):
dial back my you were in danger, that was in
danger because of what you were doing, and like have
a conversation. And then I had it again with her
afterwards and they both retained all the information.

Speaker 3 (07:45):
You can't say they don't listen.

Speaker 2 (07:47):
I can say they don't listen because every time in
the moment I'm like, what did I say, they can't
repeat it back to me. So I don't know if
it was because there was a time frame there or
because I was really fucking angry when I was talking
to them about it while we were at the nursery
and they knew it. But they will when they think
the conversations over. They want to fifteen second attention span,
it is what it is. They don't listen to me though,

(08:09):
for the most part, they don't listen to either one
of us their kids. Still, you know that disassociation and
disassociating and the disconnecting when you are not enjoying the
conversation or you feel like you're being in trouble is normal.
I did it all the time when I was scared
my parents would have to do the same thing. What
did I say? I have no fucking idea what she said,
because it wasn't listening. You're yelling, but I wasn't yelling,

(08:31):
you know, all right? I don't know anyways, you're.

Speaker 3 (08:34):
Ready jump into this email?

Speaker 2 (08:36):
Sure?

Speaker 3 (08:36):
This is a husband and wife POV?

Speaker 2 (08:39):
Is this the one that we just read? No, we
have another one. It'll be our third third, third couple
right in yep? Love that unbiased opinions his and her POV.
You're christ and Peach. I write to you today in
search of an unbiased opinion. My husband and I are
struggling to communicate with each other. There are a few
other things, however, this one is the most important to me.

(09:03):
You and I are both thirty years old, and I've
been together from us five years. We have no plan
to be married. In the eyes of the government, for
some background. We are both products of abuse of households.
I suffer from CPTSD, OCD, major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety, trauma,
induced amnesia, and the daily struggle with my autism now

(09:25):
including my physical health problems. You what are you doing
to fix all of that? Because she said suffers from
I don't suffer from my ailments. I live with them,
right Like I have a whole lot of shit that's
wrong with my brain and my body, and I don't
suffer from it.

Speaker 3 (09:39):
Right. We cope with that.

Speaker 2 (09:41):
You cope or you learn to, You learn new mechanisms to,
you know, address the things that are going on. So
that's the first thing I want to address. You have
all of these things, and you have names for all
of it, and you're still allowing it to make you
suffer in life instead of owning it right and finding
ways to make it your bitch.

Speaker 4 (10:00):
I personally have been debating on emailing due to being
unable to distinguish what is too much information and what
is too little. I cross the line at any point,
please tell me. However, having listened to eight episodes of
the podcast and watch a few of the tiktoks, I
know you have no problem telling me where and when
I go wrong, which I appreciate.

Speaker 2 (10:17):
A whole eight episodes. Huh yeah, you got a long
way to go.

Speaker 3 (10:22):
Oh yeah, three years worth.

Speaker 2 (10:23):
Yep. We put out one hundred, one hundred and four
episodes of a year for Monday Friday content, plus all
the bonus content that we were doing in the first year.
It's crazy to think about.

Speaker 4 (10:34):
Wow, I apologize ahead of time if this email is
all over the place, and we'll also be writing his
point of view at the end of mine. Our history.
We are actually high school sweethearts. And joined my high
school in his junior year, I think, and I was
in my sophomore. He was a year ahead due to
good academics in his previous high school. Due to amnesia,

(10:57):
I do not remember most of my childhood. In fact,
I don't remember much of my adolescence at all. I've
been told that I was not a very good person
at all in high school. I was manipulative and abusive.
A few people who knew me then have also told
me these things from what I was told, and stood
by me through all of it. We were together for
three years. I cheated on him and then broke it off,

(11:21):
which he still doesn't forgive me for and I think
he still subconsciously holds it against me.

Speaker 2 (11:26):
There's a difference between forgiving and forgetting. Yes, and you
guys are still together. You know, there's a strong possibility
he has forgiven you. But maybe it's still something that
I heard somebody thinks about it.

Speaker 3 (11:37):
There's a difference, yeah, continuing.

Speaker 4 (11:40):
The things I do remember is telling him more than
once that girls were flirting with him, and him being
defensive that they were just being friendly. I remember getting
my wisdom teeth removed and my mother being mad at
me for asking him to come over to care for me.
I remember a girl named Amber threatening to fight me
over n I remember our prom being ruined by his mother.

(12:02):
I remember being in j ROTC and becoming Cadet captain.
Everything else is pretty fuzzy.

Speaker 2 (12:09):
That flirting with me thing like girls flirting with men
and him being like, no, they're just being friendly. We've
talked about this a little bit on the podcast. A
lot of us, a lot of men are very oblivious
to that, right, and the ones who aren't oblivious to
it that think every girl that's being nice to them
is flirting are considered creeps. There's not a medium balance

(12:31):
there for us, Like, you either be oblivious or you
be a creep. And that's the way that that looks,
so like there needs to be grace from people there.
If he's not flirting back and he's not egging it on,
I can't think of a better word for that, then
you need to understand that it's not a him problem,
it's them problem.

Speaker 4 (12:49):
I still think that there should be steps taken there
if he isn't egging it on or reciprocating it. I
think that just allowing someone to flirt with you when
you're in a committed relationship as a problem.

Speaker 2 (12:59):
Well, if he doesn't view it as flirting and things
that they're just being nice to him, how is he
supposed to know to correct it. You think that people
being nice to me as being flirting, and I think
they're just being polite. We've actually had these conversations.

Speaker 3 (13:12):
I disagree with that.

Speaker 4 (13:14):
I have never said that I think people being nice
to you as them flirting.

Speaker 2 (13:18):
There have been situations where people have been nice to
me and you were like they were totally into you,
or they were checking you out or whatever, and I
didn't see it.

Speaker 3 (13:27):
Oh, gotcha?

Speaker 2 (13:28):
So the conversation was there, you know what I mean, Like,
we had those conversations. But if I don't think that's
a thing or I don't catch it, how am I
supposed to put a stop to it until I'm made
aware of it? Right? So, Like, if I'm not reciprocating it,
I'm not egging it on that person. It's the one
sided thing. They're talking to wall. It's not communication. They're trying.

(13:49):
I'm either not into it or too dumb to notice
whatever the situation may be. Good luck, right, you know
what I mean? So, like that situation, there needs to
be grace there from women because again, men aren't complimented
very often, Like we're not used to being flirted with.
It's not a normalized thing. So a lot of the
time we just assume people are being nice because if

(14:11):
we don't assume that they're being nice, and we do
think they're flirting and they are just being nice forre creeps.
So there's things that have to be taken in consideration
in those moments.

Speaker 3 (14:21):
Is there anything else you wanted to touch on from
that on the recollections.

Speaker 2 (14:25):
I would say I would like to say that the
amnesia aspect of all of that is I'm sorry that
this is going to come out the way that it's
going to come out. But it's convenient to not be
able to remember all of your trauma or your past
if you were a shitty person. Not saying that she's
saying that. I'm not saying that. She's saying that she
has amnesia just to make it convenient. But to have
had a past and just simply not remember your past

(14:47):
means that the past didn't exist, Like you don't have
to to lay in bed at night thinking about the
things that you said to people, or like all of
that goes away.

Speaker 3 (14:57):
Right, there's no penance.

Speaker 2 (14:59):
Yeah, you could say there's also going to be a
lack of growth. Yeah, right, Like I still think about
that that person at the DMV. No, you do not
swear to God. I do. I swear to God. I
do at least once a week. I can't fucking believe
I said that as I walked out, you were such
a pleasant person or whatever it was that I said, Like,
I felt so fucking stupid after that left my mouth,

(15:20):
and it probably totally made her eighty year old day, right, Yeah,
but I think about that, so, like those embarrassing moments
shape our character. So like the next time somebody's pleasant
like that, I'm not yelling it across the building. I
will say, hey, I just want to appreciate or give
you an acknowledgment that you were very pleasant to work
with and I really appreciate that. Like it's a very

(15:41):
different right. Yeah, that lady will probably never recognize me.
But like that embarrassment that I felt after I had
blurted that out as I was walking out sticks with me.

Speaker 3 (15:51):
That's crazy.

Speaker 2 (15:52):
Why are you looking emotional over there?

Speaker 3 (15:53):
I don't know what's happening. My eyes are leaking.

Speaker 2 (15:55):
Yeah, I see that. Yeah, what's happening. I don't know
what's happening, Katan.

Speaker 3 (16:00):
This usually happens when I yawn. Oh okay, but I
don't remember yawning.

Speaker 2 (16:05):
I don't want to downplay the fact that she has amnesia.
That sucks, but it is convenient because I can see
a positive on both sides of that, or a positive
and a negative to it.

Speaker 3 (16:16):
It can be an out. Yeah, I hate that.

Speaker 4 (16:21):
I hate that that those are your things that you
can remember. I'd like to start with what I know
of An's history before going into my life and the
changes I've made and was in an abusive household where
his parents ended up splitting. He told me many times
how his mother shit on men often and how all
men were trash. She then found another man, and he
had a family member in my town who was sick.

(16:43):
It came to visit and get legal things sorted, which
later turned into oh, by the way, we're staying here.
He was never able to tell his friends goodbye. We
recently figured out part of him being reluctant to see
the girls flirting with him was due to feeling isolated
and lonely. I think we have accepted this. However, does
not excuse him letting them flirt with him.

Speaker 2 (17:04):
I have a really hard time with this. Yeah, why
because if he doesn't know that it's happening, or he
didn't recognize it in the moment, how is it? How
are you going to be mad at him for it?
This is I burned my hand on the stove, Well,
how did you not know it's hot? And then getting
in trouble for the shit? Right? Like, that's the mentality

(17:24):
that falls behind that. If somebody is completely oblivious to
something and is not feeding into it, and you're getting
mad because of somebody else's actions, that's not his What
the fuck is wrong with you? If some girl was like,
maybe you look really good in that shirt. Oh thanks, darling,
you look great in that shirt too, right, Like, that's
a whole different conversation. And like we've had on the podcast,

(17:50):
we've had the conversation of the difference between I like
your shirt and you look good in that shirt.

Speaker 3 (17:53):
Right.

Speaker 2 (17:54):
It took me a long time to understand the difference,
right because of the way that people talk. But in
our conversations I have been able to gain new perspective,
and now the compliments look different. Right. But in the
event that I like you, how great you look great
in that dress, that's inappropriate. I get that now, But

(18:15):
seven seven years ago, I wouldn't have thought anything of it.
I was just paying a compliment because the compliment was paid.
Your words matter, right, So like in that situation, had
made up situation, but had that happen and I was
wearing a right, Like, if that was me and us
in our relationship now, and I didn't understand the difference
and you got mad at me because they said something,

(18:36):
the getting mad at me would have been me saying
it back, you look good in that dress. Because now
I'm flirting back. But if she was just like, I
really like your hat, he he he, and I'm like,
oh thinks you know. And I'm going about my thing,
and they're continuing to talk to me. To me, they're
being annoying to you. They're flirting. You can't be mad
at me because they're flirting, Especially if you're there, Why

(18:56):
don't you say something in the moment, like why did
she allow this to happen and then get mad at
him and then hold it against him all of this time? Right?
Because if how would she even know that they were
flirting with him if she wasn't there. If I think
a man is being inappropriate to you, I'm not. I'm not.
We're not gonna just let that ride because not only

(19:18):
are you being inappropriate to my woman, you're being disrespectful
as fucked me standing here. So are you hurt? Is
this one of those things like in Days and Confused
where the guy gets punked down by Clint, you remember that,
and he's like the whole alpha male guy. He's all
mad at the party in the woods and like he's
storming around talking He's like, you know what, fuck that? Now,
I'm embarrassed I'm gonna go and fight him and blah

(19:39):
blah blah. Yeah, Like, is this your moment? Are you
having a dazed, in confused a moment where you're regretting
not throwing that punch and fighting the guy because you
were disrespected in the moment and now you're taking it
out in your man because that's not right. This is
the the things that we lie about, lay in bed
and think about at nights, the DMV moments. It's all
the things that like not having him, you get to

(20:01):
fucking work through and dwell on and it makes you grow.

Speaker 4 (20:04):
I think, on the flip coin of that, if she
has pointed out, like for example, if it's a group
of women that he mutually hangs out with and she
has pointed out that they're flirtatious and he hasn't stopped
that from happening, and they're continuing to meet up in
group settings and they're being inappropriate and he likes that
attention because he feels.

Speaker 3 (20:24):
Lonely or whatever the case may be, that's a problem.

Speaker 2 (20:26):
That's a problem, absolutely, So okay, So let's talk about
that then, because there's there's a level of he needs
to stop being around there. If that's the case, right right,
If he's not, if he doesn't have the balls to go, Hey,
what you're doing is inappropriate, not just to me, but
it's disrespectful to my woman, and I appreciate it. So
I need you to stop doing that. And he allows
his need to get attention and feel validated and feel

(20:49):
good from these other women over override the relationship. The
relationship is not a priority to him. His woman is
not a priority to him. His own needs an attention
is the priority. That's a whole other conversation and a
whole bigger problem. The other side of that is if
he is aware that there or was not aware that
they were flirting, became aware that they're flirting, said something,

(21:09):
and the flirting continued, he needs to disassociate with that
group of people.

Speaker 3 (21:13):
Yeah, okay, I agree with that.

Speaker 2 (21:15):
This This all falls into the conversations that we've had
over and over again about making sure that you prioritize
the relationship and each other over everything else. If I
need attention, I'm gonna I'm gonna just be like I'm needy.
I need like thirty minutes of just fawn over me,
like make me feel something other than depressed. Right, I'm

(21:35):
not gonna go outside of us to get that because
I I don't want to ever destroy this like this
is this is on alter on a shelf that I
get to look at every day that I light incense
to and thank God for. Like this is a thing
for me. I don't I don't know. I get that
a lot of people don't have that admiration for their

(21:56):
partner the way I do for you. And I'm not
I'm not trying to like talk up our relationlationship right now,
but this is the most important thing in my life.

Speaker 4 (22:04):
I feel the same way I've been in that relationship
where I sought outside I didn't say seekd I almost
said it that was wow.

Speaker 3 (22:13):
I'm getting good.

Speaker 2 (22:14):
Yeah.

Speaker 4 (22:14):
Yeah, where I sought outside attention, validation, whatever the case
may be, and.

Speaker 3 (22:23):
Want it ruined my relationships every time. Two the guilt
and shame that I would have.

Speaker 4 (22:30):
Knowing that what I did was detrimental to my relationship,
and in the moment I didn't realize how selfish it was,
but now looking back, really selfish.

Speaker 2 (22:39):
Yeah.

Speaker 4 (22:39):
And I'm not talking about like I'm going around and
sleeping with a bunch of people. This is posting things
on the Internet to seek attention for men to tell
me that I'm hot. People don't know strangers on the internet, Instagram, whatever,
or I don't know downloading random chat apps where there's
not even a profile picture.

Speaker 3 (22:56):
You're just talking to strangers. Yeah, it's crazy. Yeah, brought broached, broached.

Speaker 4 (23:03):
A lot of a lot of things in past relationships
because my needs weren't being fulfilled and I also wasn't
communicating them. There was also a level of the person
I was with didn't care about me, right, It wasn't
choosing good partners.

Speaker 2 (23:17):
But so this, this is the difference between making excuses
and and being realistic about what was going on in
your life that led you to make the decisions that
you did right. And people are like, you can't make
an excuse for cheating. They cheated. It's not an excuse.
If you understand why somebody did something, you have new
information there, it's data. Yeah, all of that information lets

(23:39):
us make new, informed decisions in life. So I don't
think that like in that stadium, I don't think that
you're you're making excuses for your behavior or that you're
downplaying it. I think that you're able to go Okay,
this happened, and this happened, This happened, This happened, And
it's why I felt okay with doing X, Y and Z.

Speaker 4 (23:57):
Oh.

Speaker 2 (23:57):
Yeah, whether it's right or wrong, in the moment that
that was the data I had, and that's the decision
I made.

Speaker 3 (24:02):
Yeah.

Speaker 4 (24:03):
One way to look at it is cannibalism is not okay,
but an extreme survival search a person, right, Like, you're
not gonna demonize somebody for that. In a relationship where
I don't feel human, right or I don't feel like
I matter, right, I'm gonna I'm gonna do something that
gives me a little bit of a dopamine response so
I can go back to the shitty hell life that

(24:25):
I'm living.

Speaker 2 (24:26):
Yeah. And then you think about the amount of people
who are in a relationship out of necessity. Yeah, And
people won't admit that shit, but there I think there
are more people in relationships out of necessity than people
who love their person. Right.

Speaker 3 (24:39):
I think it started with like a facade of love
absolutely less.

Speaker 4 (24:42):
And then it turned into now our bills are intertwined,
we have kids together, Right.

Speaker 2 (24:46):
It would be easier if we live together, be one
rent yeah, Right, and then you can become so immeshed
in each other's lives that you're miserable as fuck, but
you can't afford to separate. Yeah, and I mean all
of those are decisions though, right like you can you
can really look back and take accountability and all of
the things that you have done and be like, yeah,
this is this happened. I made this choice, made this choice,
made this choice. They did this, they did that, they

(25:07):
did that, But they doing what they did doesn't really
affect your life. It's your decisions and so, but it
comes down to the data. Yeah, you can't make an
informed decision without data. So in that situation where you
were like, you know, they were treating me like I
wasn't a person and I didn't matter. Well, if you
don't feel like your matter, why would you right like
hold on to like the honor of a relationship. You're

(25:29):
not being honored in a relationship that was a who
last conversation.

Speaker 4 (25:35):
That was continuing, I was told I hit him more
than once. I would also use mocking tones and belittle him.
I think that was due to my own household. However, again,
it isn't an excuse for my behavior. I heavily believe
due to this abuse I put him through. He still
doesn't trust me. I would agree with that. You know,

(26:00):
even in even if amnesia kicks in and you're on
autopilot and you're disassociated from your body and you don't
know what you're doing in the moment, this man's been abused,
and I would believe it if.

Speaker 3 (26:14):
He is.

Speaker 4 (26:15):
Having a hard time trusting this relationship and trusting the
safety or reactions or I can have this conversation without
triggering her, or this conversation is not going to be
worth it.

Speaker 2 (26:26):
Yeah, there would definitely learned behavior patterns for sure. Yeah,
that's a good point. I wasn't sure I was agreeing
with you at first. Yeah, but then when you came
back around to having the conversations and being forthcoming and
honest and being able to talk.

Speaker 4 (26:39):
Yeah, I want to take a moment to say I
don't think this woman's piece of shit.

Speaker 3 (26:44):
She could be right, Oh yeah, she could be.

Speaker 4 (26:46):
I mean I don't know her, know her, but I
think that a lot of therapy is necessary.

Speaker 2 (26:49):
Absolutely.

Speaker 4 (26:49):
If these are the things that you're going through and
struggling with, emailing into a podcast is not going to
fix your situation. I mean, this is not going to
fix your situation. Period, You're going to fix your situation, right,
But I don't believe that our advice is going to
be able to break the barriers of the things that
you experienced in your childhood.

Speaker 2 (27:08):
No, not at all. Okay, Now we're here for right
when we do these emails where our goal is to
try to help people learn how to talk to each
other and like figure out problem solve for them and
like show who we think is wrong in the situation
for hitting him and belittling him and being mocking and shit,
you were wrong in that situation, right, But if that
was in high school and your fucking adults now, like
you need to let that shit go. If you were

(27:28):
doing that shit last week, we're still talking about last week, right,
it's very different conversation. If he's harboring all of that
what if and all of that back, then he also
needs to be going to therapy.

Speaker 3 (27:39):
I agree.

Speaker 4 (27:40):
Continuing, I think my diagnosis is is it really diagnosises
Diagnosi feels better, right, like octopus I said, I almost said, yeah, octopuses,
no octopi diagnosi. There has to be somebody we can
reach out to. Okay, I'm gonna drop it. I think

(28:03):
that they speak for themselves for the upbringing I had.
I believe people when they tell me I was abusive, toxic,
and manipulative. Knowing my mother and her being the influence
I had, I absolutely believed them, and I wish I
could take it all back. I did have my dad
in my life, However, since you didn't have any parental
rights to me due to being my stepdad, my mother

(28:24):
used me as a pawn in her games. I wasn't
with him regularly until high school. In twenty fifteen, I
started therapy and was in for two and a half years.
While in therapy, I learned how to cope with my
issues and how to slowly work on them, such as
being afraid of being alone doing anything alone. I used
to be mad all the time. Nothing was ever my fault.

(28:45):
I was the one who was raised wrong. I was
the victim they owed me. No one was allowed to
be upset with how I did things because I didn't
know any better. However, with therapy and they falling out
with the friend group, I learned the hard way it
was my own fault. My saying for life change, which
I think you would find not appropriate, but it's close

(29:06):
to you are allowed to be mad at what happened. However,
how you react to what happened is what matters.

Speaker 2 (29:12):
Respond.

Speaker 3 (29:13):
Respond, yes, not react.

Speaker 2 (29:16):
If you're reacting to things, you're emotionally elevated.

Speaker 3 (29:19):
Correct.

Speaker 4 (29:20):
When I think of a reaction, I think of two
chemicals coming together and something happening because of that. A
response is a meditated, controlled, conscious effort to divert from chaos.

Speaker 2 (29:39):
All of this is past shit, And it's not that
she was in fifteen. She said she was fifteen when
she was in.

Speaker 3 (29:44):
Therapy twenty fifteen.

Speaker 2 (29:46):
When that twenty fifteen, Okay, so that was still ten
years ago. It was a decade ago. So what's happened
in the last decade?

Speaker 4 (29:52):
Right?

Speaker 2 (29:53):
Because all those labels don't mean shit to me?

Speaker 3 (29:55):
I agree? Yeah.

Speaker 2 (29:57):
As I wrote in my book, No One's Coming to
Save You, the very first chapter's labels, and it starts
with fuck your labels. That shit doesn't mean anything to
anyone other than you. I have all of these things.
Nobody gives a fuck, right, they care about how you
treat them.

Speaker 4 (30:14):
I am also curious, if you were in therapy for
two and a half years, why wasn't the amnesia worked
on well?

Speaker 2 (30:20):
From what I understand amnesia normally happens from like extreme
extreme trauma or like like blunt force trauma. Yeah, because
it's a brain injury. Beyond that, I don't know enough
about amnesia to even speak on it. Okay, but if
it was extreme extreme trauma to the point where like
her brain just blacked it all out, like that's hypnosis

(30:41):
type therapy, like you have to go deep at fucked
unlock all that.

Speaker 4 (30:44):
Right, But she's also having amnesia of beating on people. Yeah,
like Okay, at that point, that doesn't sound like amnesia.
That sounds like a blackout. Yeah, and I guess that's
the question. Yeah, Oh so that could have been like
before therapy. Maybe I don't know.

Speaker 2 (31:00):
Well, yeah, that was definitely before therapy.

Speaker 4 (31:03):
No, justin the email it was she didn't say if
that was before or after therapy.

Speaker 2 (31:07):
I would assume because of the timeline of things.

Speaker 3 (31:08):
Yeah, no, she said, this is all over the place. Okay,
Well that's not helpful continuing the world around me changed.

Speaker 4 (31:17):
I learned that, Yes, bad things happened to me, but
that doesn't make me a bad person.

Speaker 2 (31:22):
Not an excuse your shitty behavior either.

Speaker 4 (31:24):
Yes, I am, in fact broken and the only person
that can fix me is me. My first goal was
to work on my meltdowns, which at the time I
had no clue what an artistic meltdown was. I never
want to physically harm another person out of anger ever
again in my life. That After that, it became understanding
my feelings and learning to actually feel my feelings. Following that,

(31:46):
it was accepting that people in the world around me
can't upset me, but it's how I choose to react
slash respond to that that is the most important. Somewhere
in all that, I also learned to take accountability. Just
because I didn't mean to hurt someone's feelings doesn't mean
that I didn't, and I needed to accept that I
am capable of hurting others even when I don't mean to.

(32:08):
With then that, I learned that apologizing meant accepting accountability
for what I had done and offering a solution to
fix it, or asking how I can fix it or
make it up to the person that I hurt. Oh well,
that answered my question about the amnesia and whatnot. Good
on you for working on all of that. That's not
easy things to try and get under control. It is
so much easier to just be angry and lash out

(32:30):
and fuck you for hurting me. I don't care if
what I did hurt your feelings, or if I did
hurt your feelings, well I didn't mean to you.

Speaker 3 (32:37):
Well now I'm the victim because you're.

Speaker 2 (32:38):
Mad at me or you deserved it.

Speaker 4 (32:40):
Yeah, that's strength. I'm proud of you forgetting through all
of that. Lately, I've been working on my volume control
and communication skills. Being autistic means I think and understand
the world differently than everyone else. Not everyone else, Right,
there are pockets of people, there.

Speaker 2 (32:57):
Are a lot of you know, autisms becoming very very Yeah,
but you do have your own uniqueness, sp your own
like version of spicy brain. Yes, not an excuse. That's
masking right and learning social cues and learning what is
right and wrong and socially acceptable. But that also brings

(33:19):
in the question of what is socially acceptable because when
you go from culture to culture, the expectations are different.

Speaker 4 (33:26):
Right.

Speaker 2 (33:26):
Yeah, as a whole ass rabbit hole, we can go down,
but let's skip that.

Speaker 4 (33:29):
Yeah, we can do a light example cultural differences in
our household. It's to the point where, like farting has
been so normalized in front of each other that our
daughter will to say, excuse me and infant.

Speaker 2 (33:43):
I can't believe you just said that. On the podcast.

Speaker 4 (33:47):
Scott and Kenya's Household, you guys are going to the
separate bedroom.

Speaker 2 (33:51):
Yeah, so that's so funny.

Speaker 4 (33:53):
There is very much different things for different homes different people.

Speaker 2 (33:58):
At dinner where they were like, we have I haven't
farted in front of each other's Like how.

Speaker 4 (34:04):
I told you guys about how the first time I
farted in front of my husband was I was unconscious.
I was sleeping, and that's how I learned I fart
in my sleep.

Speaker 2 (34:13):
Yeah. Second time that you farted in front of me,
you were in the bathroom of the door closed and
I heard it.

Speaker 3 (34:19):
I heard I heard that.

Speaker 4 (34:20):
I was like, nah, I thought it was quiet because
the door was closed.

Speaker 2 (34:24):
That's funny.

Speaker 3 (34:26):
Yeah, absolutely mortifying.

Speaker 4 (34:29):
Continuing Being autistic means I think and understand the world
differently than everyone else around me, and I tend to
take things at face value.

Speaker 3 (34:39):
So I think.

Speaker 4 (34:42):
Being so you labeling yourself as autistic even though you are,
and saying that you think and understand the world differently
than everyone else, separates you from the rest of the world, and.

Speaker 2 (34:55):
It's very common with autistic people, though, right.

Speaker 4 (34:58):
It can also be like like I'm the center the
universe kind of thing. It could be nobody will ever
understand what I'm going through.

Speaker 2 (35:04):
It.

Speaker 4 (35:04):
It's a lot of things to separate yourself that way.
I am also somebody who takes things at face value.
My husband has to explain jokes to me sometimes.

Speaker 2 (35:12):
That's what I meant taking things at face value. Yeah,
it's a very autistic thing. Oh yeah, like that's what
I said. Well, that's not what you meant. That's that's
what you said. That's not what I meant. Well that's
what you said.

Speaker 3 (35:22):
Yeah, right, that's a big thing for you when we're
in a disruption.

Speaker 2 (35:26):
Yes it is. Yeah, I'm a very say what you mean?

Speaker 4 (35:29):
Yeah, I do say what I mean. It just doesn't
compute in your brain. Yeah, then we have to I
feel like when we're in a disruption, there's a miscommunication
happening and we have to figure out the phrasing for
each other to understand.

Speaker 2 (35:42):
Yeah.

Speaker 4 (35:42):
I feel like we're starting at opposite ends of the
house and we both have to go.

Speaker 2 (35:46):
Through a maze to get through the center.

Speaker 4 (35:48):
Yeah, but we're like on walkie talkies trying to tell
each other where to go, but we can't see the map.

Speaker 2 (35:52):
Like plan It takes two Yeah, okay.

Speaker 3 (35:54):
Yes, we need to do more of that. I enjoyed
that with have Internet. Your incense holder didn't hold the
incense all that.

Speaker 2 (36:00):
It pissed me off and trying really hard to focus
on it. There's also a cord on the ground that
has a perfect loop that comes around. Oh yeah, and
it doesn't come back around to make an L. And
I've been hyperfixating on it for the last two episodes,
and I want to take my toe and curl it
into an L. But I don't think I have enough case.

Speaker 3 (36:16):
A curse of L. Yes, you see it, I do
see it.

Speaker 4 (36:19):
Yeah, we gotta finish this. We have like thirty minutes.

Speaker 2 (36:27):
Yep, let's go.

Speaker 4 (36:28):
Okay, take things literally. The volume control has to do
with the fact that I tend to yell when I
don't feel heard. I even picked up stopping in the
moment to correct myself and apologize to him when I
think I'm getting alloud. I feel unheard often with n However,
he has asked me to work on that because yelling
causes how to shut down. At one point, it seemed

(36:48):
as though he would do it on purpose to trigger
a melt down.

Speaker 2 (36:51):
Well, if you were yelling at him, of course he's
going to ignore you.

Speaker 4 (36:55):
Oh yeah, I'm not going to participate in a conversation.
I looked at our child the other night. Our son
was raising his voice at me, and I started raising
my voice back, like I was gonna squore up with
this child. And then like I heard my voice go up,
and I was like hold on. I shut my eyes
and I was like wait a minute, and he stopped talking.
I was like, I'm not doing this with you. You're not
gonna talk to me this way. We can either stand
here and have a calm conversation or you can take

(37:15):
that to your bedroom and I'm going to keep reading
my book or whatever I'm doing to enjoy myself here.
Don't don't come over here with all that. I had
a whole epiphany.

Speaker 2 (37:23):
Mom.

Speaker 3 (37:26):
I would be like, en, I'm not I'm not doing this.

Speaker 4 (37:29):
Why are you?

Speaker 2 (37:29):
Why are you doing that to smack the bottom of
his chin. I'm your mama. It's not abuse. It's funny.
It's just hearing the teeth goo. Yeah, I do that
ship to him. It's not abuse to do to him
all the time by he's got his mouth up, and.

Speaker 3 (37:50):
Yeah he has a mouth breather sometimes, yep.

Speaker 2 (37:54):
One of these days of the fuck around, he's by
his time with like a total piece of shit. But
it's funny here in his teeth.

Speaker 3 (37:59):
Chatter finds it funny too.

Speaker 2 (38:05):
He gets the jawsmack and she gets the.

Speaker 4 (38:07):
Ear the ear poke. I hate both of those things.
Please don't ever do this the jaw thing. To me,
my tongue is never resting where it should be. Like
I just realized that doing the chomp as you were
making the motion, my tongue really is just taking up
all the real estate.

Speaker 3 (38:27):
At canon there.

Speaker 2 (38:28):
That's probably why I got a lisp.

Speaker 4 (38:30):
Yeah, you know, I learned from our son's speech therapist
that when words are not pronounced right, it's because the
tongue doesn't know how to move properly in the mouth,
which also explains why there are a lot of meat
eating mishaps, like if you bite your tongue often, bite
your cheeks often, bite the fork whatever, what what're.

Speaker 2 (38:51):
What you're saying is you're thirty years old and do
not operate your mouth all.

Speaker 5 (39:03):
Of that energy in a roundabout way.

Speaker 2 (39:13):
Yeah, that's funny. With that mouth. You a whole bunch
of shit that is shipping and I can't show I
bite my tongue. I can't say therapists without on it.

Speaker 3 (39:23):
Snake sounds funny.

Speaker 2 (39:26):
That day that you were like, I don't have to
do the make fun of the slithery think thing. It's
just how I talk. I was like, damn, yeah, all right,
let's get back to it. You said we had thirty minutes.

Speaker 3 (39:38):
Okay, okay.

Speaker 4 (39:41):
If somebody can screen grab a photo of me flicking
my husband off, that wo'd be dope.

Speaker 3 (39:44):
Thank you.

Speaker 4 (39:45):
Oh, he shuts down. Sometimes she thinks he does it
on purpose to trickerr melt down. However, I think it
is just a lot of miscommunication.

Speaker 2 (39:53):
I think that's probably the more fair assessment.

Speaker 3 (39:57):
I agree.

Speaker 4 (39:59):
The way I communic Kate is by stating or asking something,
then bringing up an analogy when I think they misunderstood me.
I will forever bring up analogy after analogy to try
and get someone to understand where I'm coming from, how
I feel, or what I mean. Girl, I think that
we're on like the same autistic spectrum right now. I
do that as well. I also have issue with volume control.
I've worked on pretty much everything that you've talked about.

(40:22):
But it's possible. Yeah, it's possible, and you're you're not
alone in this, so you don't think differently than everybody else.

Speaker 2 (40:27):
That's what I meant earlier.

Speaker 3 (40:28):
You think like Peaches from the two Be Better podcast.

Speaker 2 (40:31):
Now you just gotta get your behavior the same.

Speaker 4 (40:33):
Yeah, now you just gotta you know, brain's gotta catch
up with the mouth kind of thing.

Speaker 2 (40:38):
What does that mean You're gonna stop buying your forks?

Speaker 4 (40:45):
That felt personal that it's funny, But I think I
think my biggest issue.

Speaker 2 (40:53):
You're really gone doing this? Huh, what do you mean
you're give you more? Amo?

Speaker 4 (41:00):
Well, I've never talked about this because it's never been
brought up, but like, I really struggle with this.

Speaker 3 (41:07):
I have a hard time chewing gum.

Speaker 2 (41:17):
Oh shit, why do you have a hard time chewing gum?
Do you buy your cheeks both?

Speaker 3 (41:23):
I buy my tongue and I buy my cheeks. It
depends on I don't know.

Speaker 4 (41:28):
What.

Speaker 3 (41:28):
I don't know. I have no idea what it is,
but yeah.

Speaker 4 (41:34):
Sometimes it happens in succession, like I'll buy my cheek,
and I'll startle myself and I'll buy.

Speaker 2 (41:38):
My tongue, double you to your mouth.

Speaker 3 (41:44):
Yeah, I struggle. It's hard. It's hard over here doing
things with this. Thank you for giving me the space
to get that out.

Speaker 4 (41:59):
Oh. There are times where I'm just sitting on the couch,
You're hold on my feet or something, and I like
adjust and I bite my tongue. I'm like, why were
you there? Like go back home in your little nuts funny,
Oh my goodness. Okay, continuing, I am going to challenge

(42:22):
the email or two. Instead of coming up with an analogy.
When there's a misunderstanding, find a new way to phrase
what you're trying to phrase. Don't tell a story, just
say the same thing again with different words to try
and make it hit his brain.

Speaker 2 (42:35):
Right, Yeah, continuing, that's communication, that's learning to communicate.

Speaker 4 (42:39):
Yeah, okay, all right, continuing. I spent most of my
life not being heard or understood. Even when I think
I'm speaking neurotypical, I am still wrong. Even when I
think I am saying something as straightforward as I like smoothies,
I am still somehow misunderstood. I am at a complete
loss as to what I'm doing wrong. Okay, So I

(43:02):
want to pause. I don't think there's any way to
misinterpret I like smoothie. No, there's not a right unless
I'm like, hey, I'm going to tropical smoothie. Do you
want something? I like smoothies? Dope that that doesn't answer
my question. I don't understand.

Speaker 2 (43:15):
Right, there's her analogy. Times you another one because that
one was wrong again go.

Speaker 4 (43:24):
So I don't think it's just as simple as you're
being misunderstood. I think it could be that you're not
articulating yourself properly to the people around you. I have
a whole language withinside of myself, and there are times
where we're sitting together in dead silence for three hours
and I'll say something out loud and.

Speaker 2 (43:43):
You're like, what, yeah, you do that a lot.

Speaker 3 (43:45):
What did you just say?

Speaker 4 (43:48):
And then I'll have to be like, hang on, I
got to rethink that you're not inside my brain, and
then I have to bring it back out with I
feel like I'm pulling paragraphs of explanation where if I
could just telepathy be a lot easier. My goodness, could
you imagine you want a USB plug into my brain?

Speaker 2 (44:05):
Real quick matrix?

Speaker 3 (44:07):
All right?

Speaker 4 (44:07):
Continuing, I am at a complete loss as to what
I'm doing wrong, as an example, the other day, I
brought up how it makes me uncomfortable that RFK is
wanting to put autistic people on a mandatory registry. He
said he agreed that autism needed to be studied, and
use other verbiage that sounded like he agreed with RFK.

(44:28):
I said, what he is saying is scary and makes
me uncomfortable. I explained that it sounded like he was
agreeing with RFK, and that led him into being defensive
and us having a conversation about him being defensive. Okay,
So I want to pause before continuing, just in that
little breakdown. I know there's more context of this, but
a lot more context there, right, I just want to
break down this little piece real quick before I forget

(44:50):
what I want to say. So instead of saying what
you're saying to me is scary and you're making me uncomfortable,
I feel like you're agreeing with RFK. Right now?

Speaker 3 (45:02):
Am I correct in that assumption? That's a yes or
no answer?

Speaker 2 (45:09):
Okay? So how about a different perspective. Unless he's like, yeah,
autistic people should be put on a list. Yeah, he wasn't.

Speaker 4 (45:17):
Agreed, right, I do think studies need to be done agreed.
There needs to be understanding of sensory issues. You know
what it's like to have the processing systems of an
autistic person. I think that we are way better problem
solvers and look at things differently. Of course, like we said,
there's a spectrum of it, so it goes everywhere. But

(45:41):
there's a superpower within us that and detriments, right that
that need to be better understood, and handicaps within this
that needs to be properly assisted.

Speaker 2 (45:54):
Yeah. I think that autism is a lot more common
than people think it is. And I think that the
more it's understood and the more it's studied, the better
the coping mechanisms will be. And maybe in twenty years
kids who have autism at school will have a much
easier time because it's been studied. Right, But unless he
but again, it's one of those things that like she

(46:14):
was afraid that. Look, I don't think anybody should be
put on a list for anything that that's just one
step closer.

Speaker 3 (46:20):
To like sex offenders should be on a list.

Speaker 2 (46:23):
No, they should be in a wood chipper.

Speaker 3 (46:24):
Okay, there's a different fantastic Okay, so there's an alternative
to the list.

Speaker 2 (46:27):
Absolutely beautiful, Absolutely there there are, but being put on
a list like that, that's like, I don't want you
keeping track of me like that. There's no reason for that. Yeah, yeah,
that's that's that's what she was getting at, Like, people
who have autism should you should have studies based off
of that. There should be a whole lot of research
being done and understanding. But what do you what do

(46:49):
you need a list for so you can round us
up later? Like that's that's where my brain goes with
that ship.

Speaker 4 (46:52):
Yeah, when I hear a list, I think of Nazi Germany.
Same so yeah, continuing on in the end, he was
upset that I took his words as scary and heard
that he agreed with RFK when he didn't agree with
the registry.

Speaker 2 (47:06):
Because you weren't listening. You heard what you wanted to hear.

Speaker 4 (47:08):
You've heard what you needed to hear to have the reaction, right,
nervous response, whatever, whatever.

Speaker 2 (47:15):
I think she was looking to hear. Yeah, that's fucked up.
And wanted the validation, and when he wanted to have
a conversation, she didn't get the validation. She felt and
validated and that's where that rabbit hole went down. Yeah,
you can't have a conversation with somebody like that and
expect them to just agree with.

Speaker 4 (47:30):
You, right, if you're just looking for praise and yeah,
that's a smart thought.

Speaker 3 (47:35):
Yeah, I agree with that.

Speaker 4 (47:37):
That feels more like a yes man than yeah, actually
having a conversation about what's going on.

Speaker 2 (47:43):
You know, I don't do small talk. So if you
were like did you hear about this? That sucks and
that was the end of your conversation and there's not
a back and forth, like I just keep that shit
to yourself. Yeah, Like, if you want to have an
intellectual conversation with me and we're going to have a
dialogue back and forth about what I'm I'm for that.

Speaker 4 (48:00):
Oh yeah, I'll give you three sentences. That's kind of
the thing I'm on after all of the group interactions
that we've had, I'm not going to facilitate and breathe
there into a conversation that somebody is not willing to
also do, right, So I'll give you three sentences. And
I'm not just like, yeah, oh that's cool, how's the weather.

(48:23):
I'm trying to engage in conversation. If after three sentences
you're still giving me one words or that's neat. Yeah,
I'm going to take that as uninterested. You're not wanting
to talk right now, and I'm going to move on
to another conversation. Right.

Speaker 2 (48:35):
But in that situation, if she was just trying to
get validation because she was afraid in the moment and
she needed security, like, hey, maybe that's not going to
happen or whatever, right, that's very different than having a
conversation about what's actually going on. And he probably took
it as trying to have a conversation about's actually going on.

Speaker 3 (48:49):
Yeah, it's okay to say I need validation about this
because I'm.

Speaker 2 (48:53):
Scared, right, I don't want to be on a list.

Speaker 3 (48:55):
Yeah, can we live underground before that happens.

Speaker 4 (48:58):
Yeah, I I would like to believe that I wouldn't
get defensive about me being misheard if it created an argument,
I would be upset about it, right, because that's not
what I said.

Speaker 3 (49:11):
You took it and you ran with it, and there
was no is this what you meant? I heard this?

Speaker 4 (49:16):
Can you repeat that one more time? There was no
trying to clarify. You just got upset because you heard
what you heard what you heard what I said. But
through a limbs of fear in this case, right, like
you said, it wasn't what she was seeking in the moment,
and if it led into a whole argument, and now
we're having a whole debate about feelings, and I wronged you,

(49:38):
and you're upset because now you don't feel safe with
me because I agree with RFK.

Speaker 3 (49:42):
What is happening right now?

Speaker 2 (49:45):
This is also one of those things where it comes
to politics that you can't just have a conversation because
you either have to agree or you can't have a
conversation if we're not on the same page. We got
to fight about it because it's politics. It's fucking stupid to.

Speaker 4 (49:59):
Me, continuing yep, I then repeated myself and followed with
the words he used and asked how that doesn't sound
like he was agreeing. Then he finally sees and says,
I can see where you got that impression. I followed with,
I have no idea your intention or what you meant.
Instead of getting mad or defensive at my reaction, why
not ask why am I saying that? There you go?

(50:21):
How about instead of having a reaction, ask a clarifying statement.
It sounds like you're agreeing with RFK right now. I'm
getting a little bit emotional. Can you clarify you.

Speaker 2 (50:30):
Could even remove that I'm getting an emotional part. Yeah,
sounds like you're agreeing with him. Are you agreeing with him?

Speaker 3 (50:35):
Right?

Speaker 4 (50:37):
I think saying I'm getting emotional is more of a
you know where I'm at mentally right now, Like I'm
not okay if I'm becoming emotional, I'm not in the
right state of mind. So if you're going to try
to have a logical conversation with Peaches and I'm like
in the third evolution of trying not to lose my
mind on panic, You're not talking to Peaches.

Speaker 3 (50:54):
You're talking to.

Speaker 4 (50:56):
Me trying to cope and have a conversation and work
through what I'm working through the moment without blowing up
on you.

Speaker 3 (51:01):
Does that make sense?

Speaker 2 (51:03):
I think this is kind of a dumb conversation RFK thing. Yeah,
so hear me out right, because this is it Obviously
wasn't dumb to her. She was getting worked up over it,
but having that fear of what if it is paying
a debt? You don't know, we don't know, if I

(51:24):
gotta be honest, I only heard about this because of
other media outlets using that phrase. I haven't actually gone
back to see or read what was said. So I
don't know if that was actually stated verbatim or not,
or the context before and after of what was being stated.
So I don't know. I would want to go back
and look and find the information to have an intelligent
conversation about it. But even if there were lists coming,

(51:46):
being a spicy brain person, I'm not gonna get worried
about that list. There's nothing I can do about it.
So why am I going to get all up and
freaked out and then have a fight with my partner
over something I have absolutely no control over. Like, when
you really think about that, you are creating conflict with
the person that you love over something you can't control. Yeah,

(52:07):
it's insane to me.

Speaker 4 (52:09):
Yeah, I agree, I agree with that. I'm still hung
up on like that. Her sentence of if he saw
my reaction, why didn't he say?

Speaker 3 (52:18):
Why did you say that? Like that sounds like deal
with me, right, you need to reel me back in
because I can't reel me back in, or you should know, right.

Speaker 4 (52:27):
So I'm hung up on that just because of the
way that that was phrased and it came across and
the thinking in it. You should be the one to
hold back your reactions, and in moments where there's elevation
and you're unaware of what's going on, then a check
in the moment of Babe, that's not what's happening here.
You need to take a deep breath. But you also
can't become a defensive about that. If you're becoming worked

(52:48):
up over a situation and you misinterpreted what was said
to or you misinterpreted whatever is said and it triggered
you or upset you, Oh oh fuck, where was I going?

Speaker 3 (53:02):
What was I saying? Babe? Please tell me you're paying attention.

Speaker 2 (53:05):
I was paying attention, but I'm also holding onto my
own thought that I've been waiting to say.

Speaker 3 (53:09):
So I was saying something along the lines of that.

Speaker 4 (53:12):
If he comes to you and you've already had a reaction,
you weren't able to stop it in the moment and
he hits you with babe, you need to calm down.

Speaker 3 (53:19):
That's not what's happening.

Speaker 4 (53:21):
You can't become defensive about that, and you can't begin
to make excuses for why you're acting the way that
you're acting. That deep breath needs to happen. That's the
end of it. I don't know where else I was
going with that. I'm pretty upset that I lost my thought.

Speaker 2 (53:34):
I'm sorry that you lost your thought.

Speaker 3 (53:35):
It's fine.

Speaker 2 (53:36):
What would have happened if he did agree with RFK
and you get mad and blow up and you guys
have a fight about it. Do you think that you
fighting about it is going to change his opinion of it?
Or do you think that if you would have been
able to have a calm, logical conversation of why you
think it's a bad idea versus why he thinks it's
a good idea, and you guys are able to find
some sort of common ground on a logical basis, do

(53:57):
you think maybe one of you might have had your
mind swayede Because having an argument and blowing up on
each other is not going to change the other person's mind.
It's going to make them root themselves in their opinion,
whether right or wrong, and you will not gain any
ground in that situation. The things that people choose to
have conflict over is absolutely insane to me. I agree

(54:17):
because it is a choice.

Speaker 3 (54:20):
Continuing.

Speaker 4 (54:20):
Yes, maybe I was completely wrong, but at the time
it seemed right. The other things we lack intimacy, like
all of them. I think this is due to the
lack of trust in me Mentally. We don't just talk
about things. We always end up in a debate, leading
to a possible fight or him becoming defensive. Then it
turns into an argument about whether he is or isn't

(54:43):
being defensive.

Speaker 2 (54:44):
So he doesn't have an ability to speak freely to you, right,
because everything comes down to it becomes an argument. He
gets defensive, and then he has to explain himself as
to why he got defensive and how you're feeling. That's
been the cause. That's been every single one of the
scenarios this entire time. So why would he talk to you? Right,
there's no safety there. I don't want to talk to you.

(55:05):
I don't want to have to explain myself or worry
about how I might phrase something that makes you fly
off the fucking handle.

Speaker 5 (55:12):
Right.

Speaker 2 (55:12):
Yeah, I'm sitting in silence.

Speaker 4 (55:14):
Yeah, I can see why there's no intimacy. If I
felt like I had to tiptoe around somebody, I'm not
going to go out of my way to have physical
touch or quality time or words of affirmation those kinds
of things.

Speaker 2 (55:29):
Well, everything starts with your words, Yeah, it does. So
if I'm not safe speaking to you. I'm not safe
doing anything else either, so I.

Speaker 4 (55:36):
Bother yeap continuing touch is well, touch and go. Recently,
I've been trying to initiate touch first. I was stuck
for a very long time on why he doesn't want
to do this for me? Why do I need to
ask him for it and do it first? He has
only called me beautiful three times and the five years
that we've been together, so it's just not who he
is is now he talks right. I have asked, okay,

(55:59):
so hang on. So he's called you beautiful three times
in five years, what else does he call you?

Speaker 2 (56:05):
That's a good question is is he loving you in
his own own way and you're not catching it?

Speaker 4 (56:10):
Like are you?

Speaker 3 (56:12):
I don't know, hooky bear or honeybee.

Speaker 4 (56:17):
My husband calls me hotness everdeen and that makes me
feel like an Amazonian badass. If he does have words
that are affectionate towards you that aren't beautiful, but you
need to hear that you're beautiful from him, then you
need to bring that up in conversation. I have asked
him why, and he doesn't really have an answer. When
I choose to get dressed, up for myself. He does
tend to comment, well, doesn't someone feel pretty? I didn't

(56:40):
think that was a compliment.

Speaker 2 (56:42):
It's not.

Speaker 3 (56:43):
Maybe it is meant to be.

Speaker 2 (56:45):
Did you ask him? That sounds like a statement, not
a compliment. Yeah, that sounds like a not a pleasant thing.
Why doesn't somebody feel pretty? It's like saying, oh you're vain?
Hm hmm, look at the vanity. Yeah, look at you
doing yourself up over there for nothing, right, Like, that
doesn't sound like a compliment at all.

Speaker 4 (57:07):
That's not how I how I heard that. But maybe
it's because of the relationship that we have. You know,
if I was in the bathroom getting ready for a
date night or something, or you were coming home from
work and I dulled myself up and I walked out
of the room.

Speaker 3 (57:20):
And you hit me with that, I would have checked
my shit or something for you.

Speaker 2 (57:25):
I wouldn't say that to you. Yeah, I would tell
you that you look good, Yeah, you're beautiful, or you
know I love your ass in that dress, Like, yeah,
I'm going to be direct, and I believe in being direct,
So saying something like doesn't somebody, however they worded that,
the phrasing's gone.

Speaker 3 (57:42):
But well, doesn't someone feel pretty.

Speaker 2 (57:45):
Yeah, that takes me completely out of it and makes
it solely about how you feel about you.

Speaker 4 (57:50):
Yeah, I think it'd be like a note on confidence,
especially if that's something I was trying to work on.

Speaker 2 (57:55):
Yeah, maybe I still wouldn't talk to you that way.

Speaker 3 (57:58):
No, I get that.

Speaker 4 (57:59):
Yeah, I'm just trying to give perspective. Continuing, I don't
think that was a compliment. Maybe it was meant to be.
I saw it more as making a statement, of course,
I feel pretty. As for dating, we have recently started
doing date nights. For a while, we had no time
to ourselves and was actually a fight to have date
night again. I asked why he didn't want to have

(58:20):
this time with me, and he said he was worried
it would.

Speaker 3 (58:22):
Start more fights.

Speaker 2 (58:23):
Well, that sounds like an honest assessment because I said
the same thing earlier, and that's based off of her
side of things.

Speaker 4 (58:30):
Right, Yeah, I'm gonna be honest with everything. That was
listening at listed out, knowing that therapy was done and
you know she doesn't hit him anymore, those kinds of things.

Speaker 3 (58:43):
It's had like a little PTSD moment.

Speaker 2 (58:45):
Yeah.

Speaker 4 (58:45):
Yeah, thinking about how she said that she used to
hit him and mock him and belittle him in those
kinds of things. Yeah, that just triggered a little that
that fucked somebody up. Those things fuck somebody up.

Speaker 2 (58:57):
Yep. And the behavior patterns that are learned in those
moments stay.

Speaker 4 (59:01):
And you guys are now at a point where everything
is an argument. He doesn't even think that date nights
can happen because there's going to be a fight.

Speaker 2 (59:12):
Not only does he think that everything is an argument,
he thinks that everything is going to be an argument.
That's going to be his fault and there's not going
to be any accountability of change because it always comes
down to why he did what he did right, never
about what she did that she can correct. It's always
got to be him that has to change. And those
are her words, Yeah, the way that she's explained, the
way the arguments go.

Speaker 4 (59:33):
So we are almost at noon. We have like a
page left of her email. Do you want to do
a part two for his and we can record it
later today?

Speaker 2 (59:38):
Yeah, let's finish hers, okay, and then we do have
to leave.

Speaker 3 (59:43):
Continuing. Our sex life is touch and go. We are
at odds.

Speaker 4 (59:47):
It's back and forth on one of us feeling like
we always initiate and it's never reciprocated. I personally don't
feel like he is even attracted to me, So I
would believe that, right, if you're relationship has been this
tumultuous and everything is a fight. If every time I
went to my husband a conversation was a fight, I

(01:00:08):
wouldn't want to be with him like intimately sexually, I
don't want to hold hands with you.

Speaker 3 (01:00:13):
I don't want to give you a kiss on your neck.

Speaker 2 (01:00:14):
We're a odds right. Before you get back into that,
I want to touch on the always initiating thing, the
always initiating If you want sexy time and you refuse
to initiate because you feel like you always initiate, you
don't want sexy time, you want to feel wanted, yes,
And there's a difference, And that's the conversation, not I

(01:00:35):
always initiate sex. It's that in our relationship over the
last six months, I haven't felt desired or wanted by you,
and I'm needing that. I need to feel wanted. Right,
It's a very different conversation than you never initiate sex.

Speaker 4 (01:00:50):
Right, you don't touch me anymore? Continuing, there is absolutely
no foreplay at all. I admit I didn't really start
it either. I have been a child about it and
not want to be the bigger person and do it first.
I have told him I would just love it for
him to less after me and ask why he doesn't.
I don't really get a short answer. I have been
feeling unattractive and realized that I need to ask him

(01:01:12):
what foreplay looks like to him. Wearing lingerie is not
in the cards. I tried and ended up being a
very uncomfortable encounter. I have also tried walking around naked,
flashing him, and even wearing and oversized tea and thigh
high socks. Emotional intimacy. I am unsure where we stand
and maybe that's why everything else isn't working.

Speaker 2 (01:01:34):
It is exactly why everything else does not work.

Speaker 4 (01:01:36):
You don't know where you stand with emotional intimacy. This
man can't come to you for anything. You guys have
damn near zero emotional intimacy. You might have some because
he doesn't talk much, but I'm kind of shocked. You
don't know where you guys are at with that continuing.
I know he is struggling and a feeling overworked and depressed.

(01:02:00):
I know that Ben messes with sexual stuff, so I
understand that.

Speaker 2 (01:02:04):
So she is really equating sex to intimacy, right, Okay,
just can you read that last thing one more time please,
because that this is really important for everybody. This is important.

Speaker 4 (01:02:15):
I know he is struggling, feeling overworked and depressed, and
I know that Ben messes with sex stuff, so I understand.

Speaker 2 (01:02:21):
So her intimacy is sex.

Speaker 3 (01:02:24):
Uh no, we started oh, I guess so emotional intimacy.

Speaker 2 (01:02:29):
Right, and then it went right back to sex. If
I'm stressed out and depressed and I've got a lot
going okay, this is this is this is real life
happening in the last month of our life. I am
stressed the fuck out. My back has been bad. We've
got nine different things going on with the garden. I've
got business shit going on, Jeff Graham's out of town, money, debt,

(01:02:50):
future land, paying people off. Like I am under a
fuck ton of stress right now, just the way that
it's been. It's been the entire month of June. On
top of trying to everything else that we're doing. I
have not allowed depression to win microdosing and meditating and
having conversations, but that intimacy that I get and holding

(01:03:11):
your foot or laying on top of you, or cuddling
or holding your hand in the car, all of those
moments of I'm not alone, that this person's fucking got
my back. No matter what is intimate, it does not
get any more intimate than that. If you can't come
to your person with your depression and your sadness and
your heartache and your stress and all of the things
that are fucking kicking you in the teeth in life,

(01:03:33):
you're not in the right relationship, You're not safe. You
are doing this by yourself. And if you're doing this
by yourself, why are you fucking doing it with somebody else.
I would not I have been in that situation and
I would never ever live in that situation again. No, hell,
I have a moment of I don't like something, and
I'm I'm like the I'm a kid, I'm a fucking

(01:03:56):
child when I come to you because I'm I'm I'm
giving at all. You're a nurturing beam. Sometimes I need
to be nurtured. I need my wounds clean to make
sure they're not infected, and then I'm going back into
the battle. That's the way that we are structured as men.
And women to perform. And if I can't come to
you to get my wounds cleaned and to fucking decompress

(01:04:16):
for a second to get ready to go back out there,
I'm a fucking die out there. There is no intimacy, right,
that's a problem.

Speaker 4 (01:04:24):
Yeah, you know, elaborating more on that, he has tried
to come to her and has just resulted in arguments.
So continuing that going back out there and war coming back,
getting nurtured and whatnot. If you're injecting ammonia into the IV,
it's not going to come back to you, right, I'm.

Speaker 3 (01:04:45):
Either going to suffer and die or I'm going to
go see another medic yep. Yeah.

Speaker 2 (01:04:51):
And it's crazy to me that she doesn't see the
intimacy in that, because to her, that just went right
back to sex.

Speaker 5 (01:04:57):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (01:04:58):
There is nothing more intimate than me being able to
have conversations with you about all of my my ugly
and my broken and getting bandaged back up and like
picked up and loved and hugged and you got this babe,
go team whatever. Right, Like that is as intimate as
it gets to me. And maybe that's just a me thing,
but that's way more intimate than sex like there. That's

(01:05:19):
a role that like I will never give to another
human being. That is your fucking job.

Speaker 4 (01:05:25):
Continuing, I do my best to keep the house clean
and do most things at home taken care of, so
he has less to worry about. I am thinking about
just taking over dinner. We used to cook together and
at some point it got to either he cooks or
I cook. I'm not sure how it got that way.
I still ask if he needs help when he cooks,
and it's always.

Speaker 3 (01:05:43):
I've got it.

Speaker 2 (01:05:44):
I know how it got that way. Your intimacy is gone.

Speaker 3 (01:05:47):
That would break my heart.

Speaker 1 (01:05:49):
Yeah.

Speaker 4 (01:05:50):
He works for roughly ten hours a day and I
have two part time jobs. We also juggle parenting our
ten year old girl. I've sent him videos of skits
from Jimmy Knowles to try and get him to see
where I'm coming from.

Speaker 3 (01:06:04):
Who's Jimmy Knowles.

Speaker 2 (01:06:05):
He's a relationship guy on TikTok okay.

Speaker 4 (01:06:08):
I have also tried to get him to listen to
you guys. I've even wrote down the check in list,
and he was against it and believe that I would
use the information against him. Wow, Oh, that's heartbreaking to hear.

Speaker 2 (01:06:18):
He doesn't trust you.

Speaker 4 (01:06:19):
Right like there is, since he says he can see
his own videos on relationships and has seen Chris come
up in his feeds. I brought up emailing you guys,
and he said that I should if I think it
would help.

Speaker 3 (01:06:32):
So here we are.

Speaker 4 (01:06:33):
I'm sure there is accountability in here that I'm missing,
and I would really appreciate it.

Speaker 3 (01:06:37):
Being pointed out to me.

Speaker 2 (01:06:38):
We did.

Speaker 3 (01:06:39):
I want this to work. I know he can be
so much more than he is now. But can you
right that I was expecting?

Speaker 4 (01:06:49):
I know I have areas I can grow on, right,
I know I can be so much better. He's worth
trying to figure these things out again. Yeah, I love
him and not just what he can provide me. I
want to grow with him. I am hoping that fixing
the communication issue will also fix the other things in
our relationship.

Speaker 3 (01:07:10):
Thank you for taking time to read all of this.

Speaker 2 (01:07:13):
Well, I mean we touched on everything. Hopefully you gain
something of value from this email. Do you have anything
you want to add to this?

Speaker 4 (01:07:21):
I do not.

Speaker 3 (01:07:22):
That was a lot for my brain.

Speaker 2 (01:07:24):
Okay, so, guys, if you enjoyed this content, Part two
will be coming the following Monday from whatever this releases. Yes,
so tune in to hear his side of the story.
As always, guys, you are the author of your own life.
To grab a pen and we will see you on
the next one.

Speaker 3 (01:07:38):
Bye, guys.