Ask Uncut - Donor Eggs, Keeping My Ex's Surname & My Best Friend's Husband Tried to Cheat With Me - Life Uncut

Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Life on Cut acknowledges the traditional custodians of country whose
lands were never seated. We pay our respects to their
elders past and present.

Speaker 2 (00:07):
Always was, always will be Aboriginal Land. This episode was
recorded on gadigal Land.

Speaker 3 (00:22):
Hi, guys, and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut.
I'm Brittany, I'm Laura, and it's therapy Thursday. Ask gun cattle.

Speaker 1 (00:29):
The juicy goodness that you seekos right into us every week.

Speaker 4 (00:32):
We lived for it?

Speaker 1 (00:33):
Did you, guys, and I say you, Laura and preciscation,
did you go and ask your respective partners about your
sex list?

Speaker 3 (00:41):
Yeah?

Speaker 2 (00:41):
You know this because I sent you mine straight away,
but Kisha.

Speaker 4 (00:44):
I don't know what yours was.

Speaker 2 (00:45):
So if you guys listened to Tuesday's episode, we talked
about sex lists and if you're the type of person
who keeps a sex list but you can't remember the
name of every single person you've had sex with, go
back listen to that episode. If you haven't listened to it,
that probably sounds like a weird stary, but what we
found is that a lot of people write lists and
they use nicknames, you know, to try and describe the

(01:06):
person that it was that's been inside them or around them,
around them there, or that they've been inside I mean,
we don't discriminate.

Speaker 1 (01:13):
So we said, we're going to go home and ask
our respective partners what we would have been in the list.

Speaker 4 (01:18):
So what were you, Laura? So I asked Matt and
I put the question to him.

Speaker 2 (01:20):
I was like, look, if we had sex, you couldn't
remember my name, but you know you were writing it
down inner list as a nickname. What would you call me?
And he said, and it was very cute, he said
my future wife. Wait wait, okay, because it was like
that's so sweet. I was like, that is a man
who's trying to get late. I was like, smart him afterwards, Oh,

(01:43):
there you go. I had sex with his checkers. Matt
is not a selling man. He knows what's up.

Speaker 4 (01:50):
He's a good guy.

Speaker 3 (01:51):
He's Sawry's window of opportunity. He's not a good guy.

Speaker 1 (01:54):
He just wants to get good guy, but he's smart,
good guy that wants to get late.

Speaker 4 (01:58):
It kind of okay.

Speaker 2 (01:59):
It did transpar though, So I asked him and it
was so cute and I was like, oh, my husband
loves me, Like that's in my life and then I
asked him again because I wanted to capture it in
video format so that we, you know, we could have
some audio of this.

Speaker 4 (02:12):
This is what he had to say the second.

Speaker 2 (02:14):
Time, Like we had sex and you were adding me
to a sex.

Speaker 3 (02:18):
List as a nicknames nickname wizard sleeve. I don't get it.
Is it sleep?

Speaker 2 (02:29):
It's a really derogatory word for someone with a flap evolver.

Speaker 4 (02:32):
Is it wizard sleeve? Think about it? You know how
it's like that.

Speaker 3 (02:35):
I guess I'm tight in compact. I've never heard that time.

Speaker 2 (02:39):
Wait until you give birth to two children and have
two episiotomies that thirty years whole.

Speaker 3 (02:43):
I didn't have kids when you sleep with him. I
didn't need that much.

Speaker 1 (02:46):
I love that he started off well and went with
wife to get leg, then went for the humor. But
then I'm sure he went back with no, I'm just
joking wife, because you want to get fucked again.

Speaker 4 (02:55):
Well, he fooled me, didn't he, Because I had sex
with him?

Speaker 3 (02:58):
How's your elbow? Then call you okay?

Speaker 1 (03:00):
Well I recorded Ben's now bear with this audio. Because
Ben was in the shower.

Speaker 4 (03:04):
It would probably be the girl that flashed me from
the window.

Speaker 3 (03:10):
Or titty and snitty that's probably a good one.

Speaker 1 (03:15):
Andy girl girl that flashed him in the window, or
schnitty titty, which are both very accurate.

Speaker 3 (03:21):
I will take either of what schnitty titty from. I
bought him a schnitty and then he got the titty
because the romance.

Speaker 1 (03:29):
When we hooked up on the first night, I didn't
know how to do a one night stand, so I
was like, fuck, I'm buying dinner, I guess before we
have sex.

Speaker 3 (03:35):
So I bought him a chicken schnitzel. Did they have
chicken snitzels over in either Switzerland or scott It's German.
She is German, So I was like, I'm going to
try and buy him what is for his home food.

Speaker 2 (03:45):
Not many people would eat the entire chicken stitzel prior
to the one night stair, though, would they?

Speaker 3 (03:51):
He actually didn't. I did. I was like they could you?

Speaker 1 (03:53):
Like?

Speaker 4 (03:53):
Fuck me?

Speaker 3 (03:54):
Yeah, I did.

Speaker 1 (03:55):
I ate the whole thing and got drunk because I
was so nervous to have a one night stand and
he had like half the sh because he was like,
he wants to perform.

Speaker 4 (04:01):
I think you should go in as britty titty snitty.

Speaker 3 (04:03):
Then yeah, pretty.

Speaker 1 (04:06):
But if I was to be forever in someone's list
as schnitty titty, I'm okay with that.

Speaker 2 (04:11):
There's worse things that people have been called, like passing
it Keisha, what's yours?

Speaker 5 (04:17):
So I assumed the other day that mine would be
absent sprits or absentthe girls, something to do with that,
because it's something that we joked about. But now since
we've been having this conversation, I think I asked the
wrong question because my boyfriend answered with the girl who
I spent a ridiculous amount of money on our first
date and didn't put out?

Speaker 3 (04:32):
That's because that's so like, I think I asked the
question wrong.

Speaker 5 (04:39):
I asked, like, what would you have called me if
we only spent our first night together?

Speaker 2 (04:43):
And he was like, that's of course. Like the angry
feminist in me is like, how dare he? How dare
he expect that you put out on a first date.
It was, obviously, but that's how he remembers he did
spend a fuck ton on our first dates because you.

Speaker 4 (04:56):
Were drinking absent sprits?

Speaker 1 (04:57):
Is yeah, I only laughing because I know Tom, And
that's why it's funny, because he's not there's no part
of him that would actually think about. But I think
it was very quick off the cuff when you're like, hey,
what do you think of me?

Speaker 3 (05:08):
And it's just like, well, I spent whats on and
I didn't get nothing.

Speaker 5 (05:12):
Anyway, we got a couple of messages into our life
on cuts Instagram about you know what their partners would
have said.

Speaker 3 (05:18):
I think we should start a thread in the Facebook group.

Speaker 5 (05:20):
You can go and ask your partners and we can
all kind of like put their answers in there.

Speaker 4 (05:23):
I think it'd be really funny.

Speaker 2 (05:24):
All right. Something I wanted to talk about and before
we get into answering your questions is and I don't
know if anyone really cares, but it feels.

Speaker 4 (05:31):
Weird not to mention it.

Speaker 2 (05:32):
And that is we've discussed it back and forth over
the last couple of years. When's it going to happen?
When's it not gonna happen?

Speaker 3 (05:37):
There's been a big breakup, but finally it's happened.

Speaker 4 (05:40):
That is that the Bachelor has finally been canned.

Speaker 2 (05:42):
And now this feels like a long time coming, which
sounds like a horrible thing to say. But the ratings,
as we all know, have been dwindling over the last
couple of years. You know, we were doing batchel on
cuts for a while. But it feels like the end
of an error. And it's strange that a TV show
that once upon a time was like the pinnacle of
reality TV in Australia, Like we would all rush home
to watch you with our girlfriends. We would have bachelor nights,

(06:04):
we would do bachelor's sweeps at the office, like it
was such a big part of a like Australian pop culture.

Speaker 3 (06:10):
It was also a big part of your life. You
met your hut, I met my I met my business partner.

Speaker 1 (06:16):
Like we excuse me, friend, I say that because I
referred to you once as my business partner.

Speaker 3 (06:23):
Wholl That's what it was.

Speaker 4 (06:25):
Just recently happened on the Jungle.

Speaker 3 (06:26):
I'm a slivery to get me out of here.

Speaker 1 (06:28):
I obviously said, you know, Laura, she's my business partner,
and they ate it. Oh the DMS I got, I'm
pretty sure she's your friend too, And I was like,
I was like, well, I was just trying to explain
to someone on the show that I do business with her.

Speaker 2 (06:40):
I was like, sorry, what I do love though, is
like how much you guys defend us. Like anytime that
I say anything that's like semi offensive towards Britt, and
anytime Britt says anything's semi offensive.

Speaker 4 (06:49):
Towards me, you come with you. You're like, how dare you?

Speaker 2 (06:53):
But also the thing is, and you would know this,
when you have someone who you're such good friends with,
you can kind of be mean to each other and
gain away with it. The other person's not offended, Like
I appreciate that you're offended for us.

Speaker 3 (07:04):
It's so funny.

Speaker 1 (07:05):
Also, if we've allowed it on the pod, we know
they've said it and it's so gay. No.

Speaker 2 (07:10):
But the thing is the reason why I say business
partner is because like a lot of people come off
the back of The Bachelor and have friends from the show,
Like we have lots of friends from the show. I
have friends from production, Like one of our groomsmen's was
Matt's minder on the show. Two of my really good
friends when my Mind is from the show Jasie and Farrer.

Speaker 1 (07:25):
Like one of my besties was the stylist from The
Kim Kim you know.

Speaker 2 (07:29):
One of our really close friends is OSHA's makeup artist Carla.
Like we have some really beautiful friendships that came off
the back of the show. But two relationships in my
life that are particularly unique are the fact that one,
I have a business partner that came from the show,
which is you Briat in case you're curious. And also Matt,
I didn't want people to get confused and think that
I was still in a contracted obligation with it.

Speaker 3 (07:50):
So that ended a couple of months ago.

Speaker 2 (07:52):
Right, yeah, we're out of that now, but then we
had just too hard natally.

Speaker 4 (07:56):
But I mean, like, I do definitely think.

Speaker 2 (07:57):
It's the right decision because I think over the past
couple of years, the way in which the show has
gone and the dropping ratings.

Speaker 4 (08:04):
It's almost like sad to see.

Speaker 2 (08:06):
The love for the show deteriorate across the Australian public.
Like it really was such a great show, and it
really for a lot of the people who did it,
it was a really fun and like incredible experience, and
so I kind of hate that the people in the
most recent seasons had come off the back and like
the shooting time was only four weeks or four to
five weeks.

Speaker 4 (08:24):
When we shot the show it was three months, so.

Speaker 2 (08:27):
It was like a really significant experience, whereas I think
because of the cost of production and just everything being
cut cut, cut, cut, cut, the experience for the actual
participants was so like just so minimized.

Speaker 1 (08:41):
Yeah, and it was when you say it like that,
three and a half months, is it's a quarter of
a year.

Speaker 4 (08:45):
Yeah, you spent thanks for that month taking No, But it's.

Speaker 1 (08:49):
Different when you think about it like that, when you think,
imagine if someone said to you next year, a quarter
of your year, we're going to take your phone, You're
not going to speak to anyone.

Speaker 3 (08:57):
You know, we're going to put you in a house
and you're going to fight to the death for Louff.

Speaker 1 (09:00):
Like, that's a long time for like, I couldn't do
that at this age now, in this point of my life.

Speaker 2 (09:05):
I mean elongate that even more so so for Matt
and I. It was a quarter of the year, if
we're going to use that as the metric. Where we
were in the house and we finished filming, so we
entered the house in February, we left the house in May,
and we had to keep our relationship a secret until
the end of September. So it was that entire year
for me, that the year that I turned thirty. My

(09:26):
entire life was centered around the Bachelor.

Speaker 1 (09:28):
So just doing some quick math, we need math half
a year plus one month, it was.

Speaker 4 (09:34):
Half a year in a month.

Speaker 5 (09:35):
Do you guys think that for any of these reality
TV shows? Obviously we've had like an evolution, and we've
got Love Island, got Mass, We've got like a bunch
of other ones.

Speaker 3 (09:42):
You know, some new ones that have popped up in
the last couple of years.

Speaker 5 (09:45):
Do you think there's a time frame on them, kind
of the expiry date of the show or do you think,
you know, is it a little bit roll the dice
and we'll see how many seasons we get out of it.

Speaker 1 (09:54):
I genuinely, first of all, I don't think the batch
has been canned. I think it will come back. I
think it's been breast rested, which we've said for the
last two years. I mean personally, I've always said I
think it's time to rest it for a couple of years,
minimum one year.

Speaker 3 (10:06):
But I don't think we've had enough of it.

Speaker 1 (10:08):
I just think we've had enough of it for now,
and I think it needs to come back with a revamp,
something a little bit different. But I think it's because
I genuinely think it's because people stopped believing in it.
I think the genuine authenticity of like believing that these people,
the Bachelor included and the contestants were there for love.

Speaker 3 (10:26):
I think we just lost a bit of that.

Speaker 1 (10:27):
And I think that comes along with the societal growth
of social media. Like back in the day, I think
I only just got an Instagram when I win in Like,
I don't even think I had Instagram properly. So there's
no part of you that was like, I'm going to
go on there and come out and make a career.

Speaker 3 (10:41):
None. But now it's just this And of course people
are going to do that.

Speaker 1 (10:45):
Why wouldn't you, Like you've gone into an experience, You're
going to capitalize on it.

Speaker 3 (10:48):
But it just takes away from you believing and that fair.

Speaker 4 (10:51):
Is here for the right reasons.

Speaker 5 (10:53):
Yeah, it's a.

Speaker 3 (10:54):
Journey during dank ding Ding.

Speaker 2 (10:57):
Look, I would challenge you a little bit on that
only because I do think that I think everybody knew
that you could come off the back of that show
and that you could turn it into something. I mean,
even when you did the show, which was like obviously
the year after me Anna Heinrich already had like a
really established business on Instagram.

Speaker 4 (11:12):
Like most of the people.

Speaker 2 (11:13):
Who had done well on the show had created something
for themselves, So I definitely think that there was an
allure of.

Speaker 3 (11:18):
That very different though to now.

Speaker 2 (11:20):
Yeah, and I guess, like I mean, for me, the
biggest thing is it is the only show in Australia
that has provided as many successful couples, so fifty percent
strike rate. I mean, we've had so many marriages, we've
had so many babies, like bachelor babies, and in the
last couple of years. And I'm probably going to get
pulled over the calls for saying this, I just think
that the casting, genuinely, the casting went down the gurglar.

(11:43):
And I'm not saying I was well cast. Please don't
quote me on that. This is not a me being like, oh,
then we did our season and then they cast it
so well and no ounce terrible. What I mean by
that is the Bachelor himself is supposed to be aspirational.
It's supposed to be a person that you can't find
on Tinder. It's supposed to be someone who if you
came across you would be like, how the fuck is
that man single? And in the last couple of years

(12:05):
they deviated from that. They went and like he know,
even with Matt a little bit, they chose the guy
who had been heartbroken from the year before, and then
from there they chose another guy that was heartbroken because
they had Richie, then they had Matt. But then in
the last one with the three guys, like the three
bachelors and then the three bachelors, it was like, maybe
combined they would make one super bachelor, but individually, what

(12:26):
is your thing that would make you so much more
special that I can't find you on.

Speaker 4 (12:29):
A dating app?

Speaker 3 (12:30):
Do you know what's really funny?

Speaker 5 (12:31):
I actually don't think we ever spoke about this on
the podcast. One of the bachelors from last year, I
had spoken to one Hinge I had almost gone on
a date with, and you'd spoken to the other one.
So in two out of three, there's three of us
in the room right now that were I mean, you
weren't on Hinde e A Laura, but I get.

Speaker 3 (12:46):
What you mean. They were people that existed and I'm
in the real world.

Speaker 2 (12:51):
Yeah, and I'm talking like attainable, Yeah, attainable people, And
I sounds fun it sounds offensive, and I think they
kind of went for the shock factor. You know, they
went for the man who was a virgin, who was
deeply religious, and that was like a shock factor thing,
which is.

Speaker 1 (13:04):
Like, there is nothing wrong with being a virgin. And
I actually disagree with you guys there. I think there's
nothing wrong with the bachelor being attainable. I think that's brilliant.
He's a normal person. But I think he has to
have a lot of amazing qualities. And I think when
you say, you know, I forget his name, sorry, but
the virgin.

Speaker 3 (13:20):
I don't like to call him as that, but the
virgin bachelor.

Speaker 1 (13:22):
For me, And I don't think unless you're on a
religious dating side, I mean, yeah, I don't think that
that's what people want. I one hundred percent at this
point of my life and do not want to be
coaching a virgin. I want my man to come in
and know exactly what's up. I think I kind of
lost its way a bit.

Speaker 2 (13:37):
The last thing, I know, it's a criticism that we
spoke about when they did go to the three Bachelor format,
is just simply that there's not enough screen time to
be invested in any one of the relationships because you
get to the very end of the season, and we
did batchunk cut for the very first series of Three Bachelors,
and Matt and I watched every single episode, and at
the end of the series, I honestly I couldn't tell

(14:00):
you some of the girl's names still because I was
not invested in them, not because they aren't brilliant girls
in real life, and not because they weren't funny or
entertaining or any of those things screen time. There simply
wasn't enough of the storytelling around their relationship and for
me to be like, oh, I understand why they really
want to be together. It's just simply not enough hours
in TV viewing time for that to be achieved. So

(14:20):
I think it lost its way. I will miss, Ladies,
I will miss his dulcet tones. And had you did
not Bachelors, you did not receive a rose.

Speaker 3 (14:30):
It's time to say goodbye.

Speaker 4 (14:32):
Fuck he did it so good. We love you.

Speaker 5 (14:34):
Should we should get that sound grab and just play
it on repeat, like so we'll find one just for everybody.

Speaker 4 (14:41):
This is an ode to the Bachelor.

Speaker 2 (14:43):
Here he is he didn't receive a rice.

Speaker 1 (14:45):
I'm sorry, but you did not receive a rice. Ladies.
I'm sorry, but you did not.

Speaker 5 (14:49):
Receive a rice.

Speaker 1 (14:50):
Could you please take a moment out of say goodbye?

Speaker 3 (14:54):
All right?

Speaker 1 (14:54):
What are your vibes for this week? Vibe or unsubscribe?
My vibe is on Netflix. It's one of the top
shows at the moment's trending. It is the roast of
Tom Brady. Now, if you don't know what that is
or who Tom Brady is, Tom Brady was an American
NFL player. He was like the best quarterback.

Speaker 3 (15:10):
Of all time. He's known as the Goat, the greatest
of all time. He's known as the Goat. He's super hot.

Speaker 1 (15:15):
He was married to the supermodel Giselle Bunchin I never
know how to say her name, Hotty hotty Giselle, and
they in the last couple of years have split. It
was a lot across the media. And I say that
because that is a huge theme of the show. So
what this show is. It is a comedy fest and
it is hosted by Kevin Hart, who's brilliant. We all
know Kevin Hart. And it was live, right, so you

(15:36):
can watch it now on Netflix. But it was done live,
which is amazing because it is chaos, like you do
not know what's going to happen. And what they've done
is the whole show is two roast Tom Brady, three
hours of pure taking the pierce like you have never
seen before.

Speaker 4 (15:51):
Have you ever seen the Justin Bieber roast? It very good.
I think you could just do a roast marathon. They're
fucking great.

Speaker 3 (15:57):
Well that's what they do.

Speaker 1 (15:57):
They just pick someone anyway. So they had all his
ex teammates there. The crowd was full of famous people,
and then they just had a bunch of comedians there.
They had people like Will Farrell turned up as a comman.
He was in character the whole time, so he came
out on stage and roasted as and command and it
was the best thing I've seen.

Speaker 3 (16:16):
They had Ben Affleck.

Speaker 1 (16:17):
They had Dana White, who is like the founder the
head of UFC, Nicki Glaser, who is an incredible comedian,
and she nailed it. So they all get like five, six,
seven minutes to come and do their things. Some people
took twenty minutes. His old coaches came out. We always
talk about comedy at the moment and how difficult it
is to be a comedian because you don't want to
offend people.

Speaker 3 (16:38):
When you were given a.

Speaker 1 (16:38):
Platform of three hours, and you know the point is
to offend as much as you can. And Tom Brady's
okay with that. He knows what it is. He knows
it's going to be a piss take and it might
not be personal. But man, they went so hard. I
was laughing. Some people went too far. There are a
few Kim Kardashian jokes I didn't like. Because Kim Kardashian
was there. She also went up and roasted Tom Brady.

Speaker 5 (17:00):
Like I've seen the Justin Bieber one, this one was
tenfold on.

Speaker 3 (17:04):
I can't believe they're actually saying this.

Speaker 5 (17:06):
It's so tongue in cheek that there was points that
I was like, Wow, this is the pushback on like
woke culture.

Speaker 4 (17:13):
But I think I've realized the reason for it.

Speaker 5 (17:15):
We often when we talk about like, you can't make
jokes about that, it's often because we have this debate
of punching up or punching down. Tom Brady is so
up you're not really able to punch down on tom Brady,
you know.

Speaker 3 (17:27):
Like that's why I think they can get.

Speaker 4 (17:28):
Away with it.

Speaker 5 (17:28):
And he was a really good sport about almost everything.

Speaker 3 (17:31):
Oh, I don't think that's what it is.

Speaker 1 (17:33):
I don't think it's about punching up because so much
of what they said. If that was in a normal
comedy fest, like a normal comedy show and a comedian
was saying some of the stuff they said, Tom Brady
would not be okay with it.

Speaker 3 (17:43):
But because the premise.

Speaker 1 (17:44):
Of the whole show is like, get ready, because we're
gonna come for you in every capacity, He's like, bring it.

Speaker 3 (17:48):
That's why you can do it.

Speaker 5 (17:49):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (17:50):
But the one thing I didn't you know they were
making jokes about his wife cheating on him with the
Brazilian jiu jitsu coach.

Speaker 2 (17:55):
I mean, it's consenting. You're consenting to be the butt
of a joke. And the difference is is, like, I mean,
we all know what happened with Will Smith and Jadapinkkett Smith,
Jata Jada and the Rock. Who was the guy who
was doing the jokes, Chris Chris Rock, though not the Rock.
Fucking damn hear's me trying to explain something from history.
But that was like a situation where the joke wasn't
consented to, that person didn't approve with like and debatable.

Speaker 4 (18:18):
They're also at the top of the game.

Speaker 2 (18:20):
It's pretty hard to punch down on two people who
were like some of the most successful people in Hollywood,
but they didn't consent to.

Speaker 4 (18:25):
Being made the ass of a joke. And that's what
I'm saying.

Speaker 1 (18:27):
So like, so, the one thing I didn't like, and
I would love for you guys to watch it and
then tell me your thoughts is another comedian that he's
at the end, that he's known to push the boundaries,
made a joke he quoted Ankorman and he said, oh,
you know, we had Anchorman here, and you know what
he thinks about a Wales vagina. Speaking of Wales vagina,
Kim Kardashian's here. He told Kim Kardashian to keep her

(18:49):
legs closed because she's got more beef than you know,
these two rappers that are fighting. And it was gross,
unnecessarily fucking rude and derogatory. Like I laughed at a lot,
even when it was too far. I was like, well,
I just thought that one was too fine. I was like, not.

Speaker 4 (19:01):
You know what, though, I think this about Kim Kardashian.

Speaker 2 (19:04):
I actually think and I'm not saying that she's like
voluntarily okay with this type of jokes, but I think
that sometimes her being made to be like, to be
put down in that way, to be humanized actually works
in her favor because it makes people like us go,
oh my god, she is just a human and like,
we need to be nicer to Kim Kardashi. It humanizes

(19:24):
the product that Kim Kardashian has become.

Speaker 3 (19:26):
I very much agree. And she also so lais.

Speaker 5 (19:29):
I know you haven't seen her bit of stand up
yet that she did on the night, but she was
also laying into herself, like she said things like, you know,
there were rumors about whether Tom and I were dating,
and you guys all know that if that was the truth,
I just would have released a tape about it, you know.
Like she made jokes and she did a really I
know that she obviously probably wouldn't have written them. She
would have, you know, had writers. But I don't know,

(19:49):
I don't think that Kim Kardashian is the one that
I'm like, oh, I feel so sorry for you because
people are still making jokes like that, because she also
makes jokes like that.

Speaker 3 (19:56):
You know, she also is kind of taking the piss
I felt.

Speaker 1 (19:59):
I mean, I watched the whole thing three hours, three
and a half hours, and our one hundred percent. She
was the only person, the only person that the second
she got up on the stage, she was booed off
the stage. She didn't even open her mouth up like
she was just hated on. And the only reason it
stopped was because Kevin Hart stood up because it's live
and asked the audience to stop. He was like, whoa, whoa,
whoa whoa, Like let her speak. The reason is, you

(20:20):
know how we all say like, I'm gonna punch down
on myself before anyone else does. That's why she makes
the sex tape jokes because she knows people are gonna
bring it down. And the sex tape jokes are funny.
When they called her a whale of vagina, that she's
a slut closer legs.

Speaker 3 (20:34):
They also said things like that to Nicki Grazer.

Speaker 1 (20:36):
But that's her stick, Nicki Glazer stick is that she's easy.

Speaker 5 (20:41):
Yeah, anyway, and you talk about this till the couch
whole goose to three hours and there's heaps of problematic Yeah, we.

Speaker 3 (20:46):
Could have done a whole episode on it. Maybe we will,
but it's brilliant.

Speaker 1 (20:49):
It's the the Tom Brady Rose Kevin Hart Watcher Netflix.

Speaker 2 (20:52):
Okay, well, my recommendation for this week as a podcast episode.
It is a podcast episode of The Daily and it
is their Sunday special called Modern Love from last week.
So I came across this, and I mean I listened
to The Daily on and off, but this one kind
of jumped out at me. It's not a very long
episode but has Esther Perell in it. And basically, there

(21:12):
is an article that was written by Karen Jones a
couple of years back, and it's called what Sleeping with
Married Men taught Me about Infidelity. Now, when that article
was released, it obviously was met with a lot of pushback.
And now this was an articles published in the New
York Times. They had to turn comments off, and it
was like the only article that had been written that

(21:34):
had been promoted on social media where the comments had
been disabled because people, rightfully so were so angry. And
I think, especially when it comes to infidelity, and when
we talk about infidelity but from the side of the adulterous,
like from the woman who's the other woman, we don't
have a lot of space for empathy there whatsoever. But
Esther Perella is on this episode and she unpacks that article,

(21:54):
and she unpacks the nuance of infidelity. I found it
fascinating and I've found it really really interesting to try
and step outside my bias and my hate for people
who are like the other woman and try and understand
the why, because as much as we might all morally
go okay, it's so wrong and there's no excuse for it,
the reality is that it still happens all the time,

(22:16):
so we might as well at least listen to the why.
It's a very quick listen and it's from the Daily.
It's the Sunday special. Modern Love came out this week.

Speaker 3 (22:23):
I'm so interested to listen to that. I'm going to
listen to it tomorrow. So my vibe for the week
is a little. Kisha has show and tell here.

Speaker 5 (22:30):
Yes, I've got a show and tell, so if you're
watching on YouTube you'll be able to see this. Also, guys,
subscribe to our YouTube. It's great and we're getting the
episodes up really soon after posting.

Speaker 4 (22:38):
It's like a pill box.

Speaker 5 (22:39):
So, as we've discussed a lot on the podcast, I'm
a medicated girlie, but something that I was really really
bad with.

Speaker 3 (22:45):
Was remembering to take my men.

Speaker 2 (22:48):
Which is not surprising if you have aighty D and
part of the thing is that the organization is quite challenging.

Speaker 4 (22:54):
Remembering to take the medication is also challenged.

Speaker 5 (22:56):
So one of their life was wonderful actually, and they
taught me how to set a notification on my phone
and how it's different. When you've got an Apple phone.
You can set it up in your health app. So
when I had a normal notification, as soon as I
would open my phone, the notification would go.

Speaker 3 (23:10):
Away, and I'd be like, oh, that's right, I need
to take my meds. But I would then forget because
I got distracted by something else.

Speaker 5 (23:16):
So the notification on your phone, it doesn't go away
until you clear it, which is good about Apple. But
this is something else that I've done to help my organization.
It's called Docey, the brand. Gonna admit there are significantly
cheaper options available, so you can get them from the
pharmacy for like seven or eight bucks. The pill boxes
that have got Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday or whatever.

Speaker 2 (23:36):
But they're the ones that grannies us and they have
them in their cupboard because they've got our psalm as.

Speaker 3 (23:39):
They can't remember this one looks lushki. This is nice.

Speaker 5 (23:42):
So as you can see if you're on YouTube, I
hang on gonna open it up so you put all
like on a Sunday night, I get all my pills.
They've got vitamins as well, so I've been putting them
in on a Sunday night and I have not forgotten
since I've owned this, so it's very esthetically pleasing.

Speaker 4 (24:00):
They come with little travel cases.

Speaker 5 (24:01):
I think I got like the sex So these are
the ones that I have in my bag for in
case I do forget. These are my ones for home.
And I've got another little pill box in my bag
as well. But that's really really really lovely. So yeah,
Australian brand Dosy and like I said, not the cheapest option,
but cosper use very low. I haven't forgotten since I've
owned it.

Speaker 3 (24:21):
Take your pills in style, that's what we love.

Speaker 2 (24:24):
We'll put all of the details for vibes in the
show notes as we always do.

Speaker 4 (24:27):
All right, let's get into the questions. Question number one.

Speaker 2 (24:31):
My husband and I travel frequently with another family who
have children the same age. It started out as my
husband and his friends, but over time the wife has
become one of, if not my best friend. They live
into state, but we talk most days we are two
weeks away from an international holiday with them. When he
asked me in a private message if I was with
my husband at the time and to message back when

(24:54):
I was alone. The message I received from him was
I would like to hook up whilst overseas, and at
the same time said obviously, don't say a word to them,
meaning his wife and also my husband. I actually asked
if he was joking, to which he replied, no, but
now it's a bit awkward.

Speaker 3 (25:15):
I brushed her. Oh yeah, joke.

Speaker 2 (25:17):
I brushed it off and politely declined as we were
about to spend a significant amount of time with them.
As I stand, it's nearly twenty four hours after the message,
I am planning on telling my husband that we will
need to rearrange our holiday and accommodation plans. She is
going to know something has happened. So when she asked me,
why are we canceling on them? What do I say?

(25:38):
She is my best friend. If roles were reversed, I
one hundred percent would want to know. We have always
suspected he's probably not one hundred percent faithful to her,
but this is just too far to make matters worse.
She is pregnant.

Speaker 1 (25:51):
I feel like one hundred percent knew what I was
going to say until you drop the pregnancy bomb.

Speaker 4 (25:55):
I know the information is going to ruin her life.

Speaker 1 (25:59):
Fuck, before you said she was pregnant, I was saying
one hundred percent tell them now she's pregnant. I still
think that she needs to know, but it does change
things like oh fuck, Nah, he's a scumbag.

Speaker 3 (26:13):
I think she needs to know as a.

Speaker 1 (26:14):
Best friend, he hit you up when his wife is
pregnant and you are friends of the couple.

Speaker 3 (26:21):
That is like the scum on the bottom of my
shower after I came back from the jungle.

Speaker 1 (26:25):
Okay, not that I am a cheating connoisseur, never cheated,
not my thing.

Speaker 3 (26:31):
But why would you want to cheat on a family holiday?

Speaker 1 (26:35):
Like?

Speaker 3 (26:35):
How are you? How does that even happen? How are
you gonna say?

Speaker 1 (26:37):
Like, oh my god, you guys just chill here while
me and your wife go for a romantic beach water
for a little wall.

Speaker 4 (26:45):
You guys stay.

Speaker 2 (26:47):
That, Hey, Steve, you stay with my pregnant wife and
I'll take your wife.

Speaker 1 (26:51):
I'm going to take your pregnant Yeah, I'm gonna I'm
gonna poke it behind the Bush, like, how does like
why would you cheat in that scenario?

Speaker 2 (26:57):
To me, it screams volumes about the person that is
that this is not a one off thing, like he
must do this type of stuff on the regular and
get away with it. And he's probably banking on the
fact that you're not going to make a scene because
he probably has gotten away with it thus far, you know,
like most people, and often it's my advice on this podcast,
because I don't like bringing other people's dramas into my life.

(27:19):
Like I said earlier, my life is drama free, baby,
and I want to keep it that way. Not that
I've been in a situation even remotely like this, but
I don't like to in any way bring other people's
dramas into my life. And that's kind of a boundary
I've set for myself. But the problem is is this
drama walked into your life and it has affected not
only your relationship with your husband if you keep this

(27:40):
a secret from him, it also has ruined the relationship
you have with your friend. So I would say, like,
take baby steps with this. The very first step is
have an honest conversation with your husband around what he
has sent, why you want to change locations because I
think he needs to know the full fact.

Speaker 3 (27:56):
But you know, your husband's tone it up to that
guy's door.

Speaker 2 (27:59):
It's you know, well, maybe leave it to him to
do that, because the thing is is, at the very least,
you don't want to triangulate the person you're in a
relationship with because you've not done anything wrong. But keeping
that a secret triangulates your husband, and it means that
then you are doing something wrong.

Speaker 4 (28:13):
So he's the first person.

Speaker 2 (28:15):
Sit down, have an honest conversation with him, and work
out together what you think is the best strategy for
approaching this, because he might be able to give you
because he's going to have more understanding and he's going
to know these people way better than what we do
from this one paragraph. But then I think my next
thing would be to say that you're obviously canceling the holiday.
You're obviously going to go and do something else separate

(28:35):
to them. And I would, even though I say I
hate drummer, I would message my friend who's my best
friend and say your husband messaged me inappropriately.

Speaker 4 (28:44):
I wouldn't give the full context of it.

Speaker 2 (28:46):
I would say he's messaging me inappropriately, and I don't
think it's suitable for us to go on holiday, and
I would have to leave it at that because I
don't think I would want to go down into the
nitty gritty of giving the messages. I think that that
type of thing can becomes too hurtful, and I would
give him the opportunity to come clean with that information.

Speaker 1 (29:04):
I almost agree with everything you said, and I agree
with you. I never want to bring the drama into
my life, but I always put myself in the position right.
So if it was you, if Matt had messaged me,
or you know, vice versa better message you. But if
Matt had messaged me, there is no part of me
when I put it like that to myself that wouldn't
tell you none. I would be like, we couldn't have

(29:27):
a normal relationship. We could not You and I could
not go about a business partners.

Speaker 3 (29:33):
Let alone friends.

Speaker 4 (29:34):
No, we couldn't.

Speaker 1 (29:35):
But I think what you would do is and I
would want you to tell me if my partner pregnant
or not.

Speaker 3 (29:39):
And I truly believe that because you didn't.

Speaker 4 (29:42):
But you need to keep forgetting about the old pregnonen.

Speaker 1 (29:45):
You need to have all the information to make a
decision when you are in that situation when you're pregnant
and going to have a relationship breed child into the world.
But I would be yes, I would tell my partner
first because he deserves to know. But then I would
beg him because I know my partner would want to
go and say something to this guy. I would say, please,
let me speak to her first, and then you can
do what you want to do because she deserves to

(30:05):
hear it from you, not from a fight that's happening,
you know, between husbands. I also wouldn't text her to
have the conversation. I'd be doing it in person. Yeah,
I would, And I know you say, Laura, don't go
into detail. You have to go into detail because a
she's not going to accept that. She's not gonna say, Okay,
what did he text you when you said she's not
going to accept you saying I'm not telling you you
need to tell her everything.

Speaker 3 (30:25):
Since you're right, she won't.

Speaker 4 (30:26):
She won't accept that way so she can go. I'd
be like, you better fucking tell me, Britt hundred san.

Speaker 1 (30:30):
I would chain you to the ground. I would sit
on your face and be like, I'm gotta fight in
your face. Do you tell me that's the extreme, I'd go, okay,
I mean that I don't know if.

Speaker 2 (30:38):
That would get it out of me, but really torture
out of me there, Britt, if I'd had garlic foret
China carbonara than that before you'd tell me. I think
my my feelings about this, though, is that you have
been put into a horrible situation that you didn't ask for,
that you have no control over. And I think this
is really going back to what I said earlier. This
is really indicative of the type of person here and

(31:00):
the behavior that he's probably gotten away with many times prior.
The thing that's so frustrating though, And I'm sure this
is what's going to happen, but I am projecting a bit.

Speaker 4 (31:09):
He will downplay this. He will say he was.

Speaker 2 (31:11):
Drunk, or there will be some excuse that he manages
to come up with to minimize his behavior, which he
will try and use in order to fix the situation
so that way, you know, his whole life doesn't implode
as well. Because he clearly doesn't want to run away
with you. He's propositioning you because he knows that if
you two were to have, you know, some sort of
like liaison, you're not going to leave your husband, And

(31:34):
he doesn't need to leave his wife, right, He just
wants the thrill of having sex outside of his marriage.

Speaker 4 (31:39):
Maybe he's not getting any because his wife's pregnant.

Speaker 2 (31:42):
Not saying that it's okay, go and listen to the
podcast episode I just recommended, But that will be part
of the excuse that he will use. He will use
that as the reasoning that his desire is not being
met and he was looking for someone to satisfy that.

Speaker 1 (31:55):
Again, not a disgusting connoisseur, but if you are going
to cheat, or why do you do it with her
best friend? Like, there's a really high chance that the
best friend is gonna call bullshit and implode your relationship.
And I'm not saying this because I'm trying to tell
you guys how to cheat.

Speaker 3 (32:12):
But that's just shocking to me. I'm like, this guy's.

Speaker 2 (32:14):
More on I mean, they might have a flirty friendship.
A lot of people do have flirty friendships, and it
doesn't mean I know, I know, it's irrelevant, but maybe
they have a flirty friendship and he's interpreted that flirty
friendship as being able to be pushed in a direction
that it absolutely can't, you know.

Speaker 4 (32:28):
I mean, I don't know when I'm trying to.

Speaker 2 (32:30):
I don't know why I'm playing Devil's advocate here, but
it's just such a bold and crazy thing to be messaged.
But I honestly thinking about it from our perspective, Like,
if Ben messaged me something inappropriate.

Speaker 3 (32:40):
You'd probably go there just once.

Speaker 1 (32:41):
It's worse you did they the sex is good, I'd
probably let you once, just as we can talk about.

Speaker 2 (32:48):
It where we need content. Things have been dry on
the podcast recently. I fuck like I would tell me.
I would tell you, but it would ruin the friendship,
even though I hadn't done anything wrong.

Speaker 4 (33:00):
I think ruin the friendship. I think that there would
be a level of resentment, and I wouldn't hold that.

Speaker 3 (33:05):
Against you at all. I'm pretty good at like. I
think I would be like, well, that's nothing to do
with you. You're hot. Can he's only human? Can you
blame him? But yeah, he didn't even.

Speaker 4 (33:14):
He did that to expel on him. I know.

Speaker 1 (33:19):
I think that maybe it'd be hard to maintain a
friendship in that situation, but the blame would never be
on you.

Speaker 3 (33:25):
Yeah, yeah, pass so hard?

Speaker 1 (33:27):
Can you give us an aftermath. Why don't you guys
ever give us enough aftermaths.

Speaker 3 (33:31):
Laura and I lose sleep over this. We need to
know what happens.

Speaker 2 (33:33):
I haven't slept in years, because if you're ask going past,
not the kids, all right, I'm going to read number
two now.

Speaker 3 (33:39):
I have two older gay brothers. Since we were.

Speaker 1 (33:42):
About sixteen, we have discussed what kids would look like.
They're a little bit older than me in the mid twenties.
I've always said I would like to donate eggs to
them in the future so that they can have biological
kids with their partner. I just figured since we look
very similar and I don't plan on having kids, it
would be a nice way to have biological with children
in the family.

Speaker 3 (34:02):
One of my.

Speaker 1 (34:02):
Brothers and his partner are ready to start the process
to have kids. However, my partner of two years that
I plan on marrying in the future is very uncomfortable
and does not agree with this decision. He sees that
will be my child, and he said he's going to
be uncomfortable with that. I'm not sure what to do do.
I listen to my partner's concerns and come to terms

(34:23):
with the fact that I won't be able to help
my brothers, or do I follow through with the promise
that I made many years ago but potentially put the
relationship on the line.

Speaker 3 (34:31):
What are your thoughts? Am I crazy for offering and
not seeing it as being my child? Oh?

Speaker 2 (34:36):
This is or fucking so hard to answer as well?
Not because I don't think that there is a clear
answer here. I think there is a clear answer here,
But it doesn't mean that your partner doesn't have feelings,
and it doesn't mean that he won't react to those feelings.
Whether those feelings are right or wrong is kind of irrelevant.
He still has those feelings, right. I think your partner
is confusing maternity and paternity and being a mum with

(34:59):
by all, because those two things are very, very different,
and it's probably hard for him to extrapolate that. Maybe
the four of you, as in your brother and his
partner and you and your partner need to go and
speak to a counselor maybe you need to go and
speak to these fertility or relationship counselors who will help you, guys,
unpack the nuance around egg collection and also what that means,

(35:23):
because you will need to go and do it anyway,
it's like part and parcel of being someone who is
an egg donator.

Speaker 4 (35:29):
But I think it's probably really important for Donor.

Speaker 2 (35:32):
Sorry, something sounded wrong in that sat an egg donator
an egg donator. Sorry, anyone who watches Blippy will know
what that song's from.

Speaker 4 (35:42):
It's not egg donator, it's excavator. I digress.

Speaker 2 (35:46):
Okay, So I think that it's probably important for you
guys to go and speak to someone who is impartial
to try and at least put his mind at ease,
because he is definitely conflating the two. His fear is
that this baby, this baby that's going to have obviously
a biological connection to you, is going to come out
in the world and this deep mothering instinct is going
to come over you and you're going to need to

(36:07):
take care of this baby. The reality is, the baby
is not your baby, and you know this because it's
something that you've had many, many years to process. You
were sixteen, since you've been having these conversations, so I
think having a bit of empathy for the fact that
you have had the better part of potentially a decade
to process your emotional feelings around this, and your partner

(36:29):
has not and he's now in a situation where he's
coming to terms with potentially what that might mean for
him as well. And maybe it's a case that he's
not able to extrapolate the maternity and the parental aspect
from the biology. Maybe he's worried that he will see
it as your child. That's something that he needs to

(36:50):
deal with, because it's not how anyone else in this
situation is viewing things.

Speaker 1 (36:54):
I feel slightly differently, I think, Laura, which is the
difference here when I think about it, is that you're
very close to your brothers and this child is going
to be in your life hugely. So quite often when
you donate an egg or an embryo or whatever you're
donating to somebody, there's a very heavy discussion on do
you want to be involved or not on both sides,

(37:16):
and do the parents want you to be involved? And
they always pick what they think is best for the family.
So there are a lot I have a lot of
friends who have had donor children.

Speaker 3 (37:25):
Yeah.

Speaker 4 (37:25):
Two of my best friends have dona baby.

Speaker 3 (37:26):
Yeah, but then they don't have any connection with them.

Speaker 1 (37:28):
And then I have friends that have adopted and have
donors that have connection with the donor. In this situation,
you're going to be in this child's life heavily because.

Speaker 3 (37:39):
You're very close with your brothers. It's your family.

Speaker 1 (37:41):
So I think it's warranted for your partner to feel
maybe potentially uncomfortable. If he does feel uncomfortable, I think
that you can't take that away from him. This is
completely your decision, yeah, one hundred percent, And if this
is something that you want to do, absolutely, but you
have to respect your partner's opinion because that's what a
relationship is is, and you have to understand that if

(38:02):
he is voiced that is not sure how it will
be for him, and you know, maybe he's going to
try and be okay with it, But if he has
voiced that to you that he is unsure, then you
can't hold that against him in the future if he
is uncomfortable with it and something happens to the relationship,
if he has told you his opinions, I hope he's
not coming in giving you an ultimatum it's them or me.

Speaker 3 (38:22):
I hope for your sake because that's a horrible position.

Speaker 1 (38:25):
But there is a part where you are two people
in a relationship. This is a very huge life decision.
For multiple people, multiple parties, and you do have to
at least take on board how he feels, but ultimately
you do you but be aware that if he has
told you that he might not be comfortable in the future,
then that is something you're gonna have to deal with.

(38:45):
It doesn't mean it's right or wrong. No advice that
we give you here, like we can't tell you what
to do. We never would, but I think it's something
to be aware from if your partner tells you how
they feel.

Speaker 2 (38:55):
The only thing I think I disagree with you on
Britain that is that regard wardless of how this baby
comes into the world, regardless of whose donut egg this
baby comes from, this baby's going to be a big
part of your life because yours Auntie anyway, So I
don't think that the relationship that you have with this
child will change just because you've donated an egg to it.

(39:16):
So see I I but that means that you're conflating
being a mum and the maternal conditioning with biology.

Speaker 1 (39:23):
Like I'm not conflating it, but I'm assuming and this
is an assumption, sorry, Like we don't know. I'm assuming
that when the child grows up, the family are probably
gonna be really honest with it, like your auntie actually
donated an egg, like you've come from it, And the
child is going to be aware saying, oh so on
a technicality, like you're actually my biological mum, Like that's
what a child would think. And so you can't say

(39:44):
that that's going to be the same as a donut
egg not from the family, Like there is a difference there.

Speaker 2 (39:49):
Yeah, But I think it's how those conversations have had
throughout the child's entire life, and I think that that's
a really important thing. And the way in which I
view it is that that child is going to receive
all the love that it needs, the household that it
grows up in. And I still think that even though
you're a donor, you are able to still play the
part of an auntie. You're not playing the part of
a mother. And that's what the fear is that your

(40:10):
partner has. He's like that he's going to see this
as your child. It is fundamentally not your child because
of the altruistic gift that is donating an egg. Some
people will disagree with this, but if you are someone
who goes through the donor experience, and you donate sperm
or you donate an egg. Everybody has to be on
the same page as to how the child, not that

(40:30):
the child's going to be brought up, but like what's
the role that each person plays, And like, there will
be some people where the person who has given donor
sperm or donor egg is a really active participant, parental
participant in that child's life, and there are loads and
loads and loads of examples where that's just not the case.

Speaker 4 (40:46):
And it's a biological gift.

Speaker 2 (40:48):
You know, I'm giving you this thing so that you
can have the joy of being a parent. And I
think it's really hard because you've grown up with two
brothers who do not have the opportunity to have children
on their own, and getting a donor egg or donor
sperm is really hard. It's a real process, and in
Australia it can take years for some people. So I think, like,

(41:08):
if you were to turn around and say no, I'm
simply not doing it now, and you're only not doing
it because of the limitations that your partner has placed,
I would think that there would be definitely some things
that you would need to work through with your brothers
in terms of like feelings of resentment and feelings of
almost like taking back something that was promised. And you're
entitled to do that, but you have to make the

(41:29):
decision that is for you, not the decision that is
for someone else.

Speaker 1 (41:33):
Yeah, and I think the thing that I'm trying to
lean towards and explain here and maybe I didn't do
it very well, but we're talking about the things that
are known.

Speaker 3 (41:41):
We know that you'll have a discussion with your partners.
We know that you're going to decide what the role is.

Speaker 1 (41:45):
We know that you know it's going to have love
and you're not going to have a motherly role.

Speaker 3 (41:49):
What we don't know is what the child's gonna want.

Speaker 1 (41:51):
And when the child grows up knowing that it's Auntie
that it sees all the time, is actually it's biological donor.
We do not know what the child is going to want.
And I say that because that is obviously what your
partner's thinking. Now, I'm all pro donation. I don't want
anyone to think I'm not, but I think we can't
leave out how that child is going to feel and
what it's going to want. It might say I want

(42:12):
you to be a bigger part of my life, like
I want that connection.

Speaker 3 (42:15):
I want to spend more time with you, I.

Speaker 1 (42:16):
Want you to be more involved, And maybe that wasn't
what the two parties agreed to.

Speaker 3 (42:21):
So that is a part that you do have to
consider in the future. You don't know what's going to happen,
and maybe your partner is thinking that. Now.

Speaker 1 (42:28):
My heart goes out to you, because it's a really
tricky situation because you love your brothers and you want
to give them the world, like that's what family does, right,
But then you've got this person you love that maybe
isn't on board, and that's a bloody tricky spot.

Speaker 5 (42:39):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (42:40):
Also imagine the alternate, Okay, imagine the alternate is that
you decide not to do this because of currently a
boyfriend who you've been with for two years doesn't want
you to totally you miss the opportunity to and then
in four years time, you guys break up anyway, and
everyone in that situation is then hurt.

Speaker 4 (42:56):
Your brothers are hurt, You're hurt.

Speaker 2 (42:58):
The boyfriend gets to go on and live his life,
potentially even have kids with another person. You know, Like
I think and I would be very very conscious about
limiting my life decisions around what someone I'm in a
relationship tells me I should and shouldn't do. And I
know that you have to take into consideration the way
that he is feeling and have many conversations around it.
But I would probably and maybe this is selfish, and

(43:19):
this is very personal, I wouldn't be in a relationship
with someone who gives me an ultimatum or who uses
something like that as a reason to be like, I'm
going to break up with you, because I would hope
that they would see the gift. They would see like
the impact that it was having on my family, the
people who I love, and I would really hope that
at some point they would be able to get around
that and see that it wasn't affecting them in a

(43:40):
way that they maybe perceived it too. But I think
this is too Yeah, this is a really tricky one
because I know that people will feel differently about it.
I know that people who are in same sex relationships
who are going through this will probably feel very different
to how.

Speaker 4 (43:54):
We feel in some ways.

Speaker 2 (43:55):
You know, Ultimately, it's really fucking hard for people who
are in same sex relationships who are at the point
where they want to have babies because they just don't
have all the parts to make it themselves.

Speaker 3 (44:04):
Absolutely. Okay, Oh, good luck with that one.

Speaker 4 (44:06):
Yeah, I know question number three.

Speaker 2 (44:09):
My ex and I split a number of years ago
and we have a child together. I took his surname
when we married. We have both since recoupled, and he
is also now engaged. This has made me wonder is
it time for me to change my name back? The
problem is I love my current name and it feels
like a big part of who I am personally and professionally.
I also really love having the same surname as the

(44:31):
child that we happily co parent.

Speaker 4 (44:33):
Is it weird if I just keep the name.

Speaker 2 (44:35):
My new partner and I also have a child together
and marriage will be on the cards one day. But
I don't want to change my name multiple times, and
I much prefer my current name thoughts.

Speaker 1 (44:44):
Okay, My immediate thought was absolutely, don't change your name.
Like you love your name. You were married, you had
that time of your life, your child has that name.
I think it's so fine. Where it gets tricky now,
is that you if you feel so strongly about having
the same name as your child, but you just said
you've got another child with your new partner. So I'm
assuming it has your current partner's name. So then you've

(45:06):
you've already got two children with different names, which is fine,
But is there a way maybe you can hyphen the
name so that everyone has the same names if that
is your issue. I don't think because you split with
someone you have to change your name back. I know
people that have kept their name for ten, fifteen, twenty years,
like since they've broken up, because that's their new identity.

(45:26):
That's who they became totally, and they're happy with that. Also,
it's fucking nightmare to change those documents back, like filling
out dolationships too lated. Yeah, so I think that this
is like for me, you absolutely don't have to change
your name. My only consideration would be if you are
having further children with your partner and you do want
them all to have the same name, what does that
look like? Can you hyphenate both names or your current

(45:47):
partner not like that you've hyphenated with your.

Speaker 4 (45:50):
With your husband, collecting husband's names.

Speaker 3 (45:52):
Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 1 (45:53):
So it's like that's where for me, I don't know
what I would do in that situation, Okay.

Speaker 4 (45:56):
I have I think that there will be people who
think that this is weird.

Speaker 2 (46:00):
I think there'll be some people listening to this and
they'll be like, why the fuck would you want to
keep your ex husband's name? But I have skin in
this game, right, not that I was ever Burn isn't
even my maiden.

Speaker 3 (46:09):
Name, my maiden name.

Speaker 4 (46:11):
That's it that makes me feel so old, my maiden name.

Speaker 2 (46:16):
But you don't have a maiden name because you didn't
change your name, I said, Burn. No, I have skin
in the game because of my mom. So my mom
is Kim Vakanski. You know she was Jerry Stanfield Kim Vakianski. Yeah,
well look, I mean my childhood probably could have been
on No. I was thinking Jerry Springer same same but different.
So my mom was a Philippy like her parents are
a Philippy. She got married to my dad, she turned

(46:38):
into a Burne. She then married my stepdad, who was
an absolute fuckhead, and his name was Kanski. And I
would say that most people would keep a name of
someone who they still are in good contact with.

Speaker 4 (46:50):
Like you said here, you.

Speaker 2 (46:51):
Happily co parent alongside, right, Like you don't absolutely hate
the person that you're not in a relationship anymore. With
so in my mom's instance, and just to kind of
give you a bit of the backstory. So, I mean,
you guys know, I've spoken about this a bit in
the past or touched on it. Like my stepdad was
deeply problematic. I was like, he's not alive anymore.

Speaker 3 (47:08):
He died.

Speaker 2 (47:09):
That sounds harsh, but like, look, if we got into
the nuance of that, you would probably think the same.
But his last name is Vikanski, and my mom took
his last name when they got married. I have a
younger brother who is quite a bit younger than me.
He's my brother, but obviously he's my half brother because
we have different dads. But I would never ever refer
to this. Here's my brother on a technicality. Yeah, and

(47:30):
his last name is Vikanski. So we have a Matthias
Vakanski in the house, a Kim Vakanski in the house,
and two girls who were burn And they got divorced
when I was probably thirteen or twelve, I just started
high school, and my mom decided to keep his last name,
even though she resented him. Even though he went on

(47:52):
to have another marriage and had more children, she chose
to keep the last name, and that a reason for
that was one because she wanted my brother to have
the same name as someone in that household. In our household,
you didn't want him to be the only person. And
I guess the way that I think about your situation
here is your child has his last name. At least
there's two people in your household who have the same

(48:12):
last name. And then also you had the same last
name as your other child, so everyone at least is
connected to someone. Whereas if you change your name now
to be the same as your new husband and your
new child, it really isolates your child from the other marriage.
You're like, they come into your household and they're the
only kid that doesn't have the same last name.

Speaker 4 (48:30):
It's very othering.

Speaker 2 (48:32):
And so there's something that I think is actually quite
beautiful about the fact that you have kept your last
name and kept a little bit of that identity. And
it also really reinforces to your first child that you
are happily co parenting with their dad, that you don't
harbor animosity. And I think that that really shows like
a healthy relationship and a really healthy way in which

(48:53):
they can navigate relationships in the future. I don't think
this is weird. I think you can keep last names.
Names don't define your family. You can have multiple names
in one family and your kids are gonna grow up fine.

Speaker 4 (49:03):
Yeah, I think it's great.

Speaker 3 (49:04):
I one hundred percent agree. There's no right or wrong
at all. It's what you feel, what your kids feel.
Maybe you can have a discussion.

Speaker 1 (49:09):
With your kids about how they feel, like I don't
know if you want to actually put that decision into
their hand, especially they're three.

Speaker 3 (49:14):
Who knows how that could end up.

Speaker 1 (49:16):
But yeah, there's there don't feel guilty about this because
there's there's literally no right or wrong.

Speaker 4 (49:20):
And in our household, I'm the only one who's a burn.

Speaker 2 (49:23):
Actually it's funny because Marley's like, nah, Buster's a burn
as well, but where all Johnson's So she thinks the
dog is a burn?

Speaker 4 (49:30):
Me and Buster Burne?

Speaker 2 (49:31):
Yeah, he Delilah's Hockley, Yeah, and she'll be Hockley for forever,
doesn't matter. I remember when we were filling out the details,
they were like, do you want it to be Thompson?

Speaker 3 (49:38):
Like because I.

Speaker 1 (49:39):
Got Jelila with my ex Jordan Thompson, do you want
it to be Thompson or Hockley? And even though at
that time I was like I'm gonna marry this guy.
I was like, but in case I don't, I was like,
Baker Hockley, I'm keeping the dog. Yeah, and I gave
her Mayo as well.

Speaker 4 (49:50):
Delilah May.

Speaker 2 (49:51):
I have a question for you, britt if you and
Ben were to get married, would you take his dog? No,
I think so, Brittany Secrest, Yeah, that's hot.

Speaker 3 (49:59):
Yeah, but Brittany may.

Speaker 2 (50:00):
Do you know why I can't see it? And it's
maybe it's because I'm so lazy and I kept my
last name. It's because I think when you are someone
who's created at you know, your work around your name,
like your name becomes like such a part of your identity.

Speaker 3 (50:12):
Yeah, I think.

Speaker 2 (50:13):
It's it's almost like it feels like a bit of
emotional whiplash to change your name.

Speaker 3 (50:17):
I have thought about it because I think about getting
married a lot.

Speaker 1 (50:22):
No pressure, listen, if my time ever comes, I have
always thought that I would change it to secrets and
then when I have children, if I have children, that
they would be secrets.

Speaker 3 (50:34):
But publicly I would just keep hockey.

Speaker 1 (50:36):
Like. I just wouldn't change my handles on Instagram or like,
because that's it. I don't go on radio or the
podcast and go, hi, guys, I'm Brittany Hockley. Like, I'm
just Brittany yeah hop dot com. It's just a technicality. Like, so,
I think that I would probably change my name because
I like the idea of that.

Speaker 3 (50:52):
I know a lot of people are like fucking patriarchy.

Speaker 1 (50:54):
And misogyny and whatever else, but it's I like being
the idea of everyone having the same name in a family,
in a family, yeah, And I think for me, the
reason why I don't, I think, genuinely the reason why
I haven't changed my name is purely because growing up,
the last name was just so irrelevant because we were
all a big, weird, mixed up.

Speaker 2 (51:12):
Family, and like, you know, my mum changed her name
and it didn't result in like a stability, you know,
like having everyone having the same name in a household
didn't equate to a happy household. So I'm kind of
like we can be a happy household and I can
have the last name Berne and everyone else can have
the last name Johnson. I don't feel isolated from my kids.
I feel just as much their mum as anyone else.

Speaker 1 (51:32):
I would I reckon if I didn't have because I've
got two older brothers that have had a lot of
kids and they've got boys as well.

Speaker 3 (51:38):
Like the Hockley name is well and truly carried on.

Speaker 1 (51:40):
If I didn't have brothers and I knew that name
wasn't going to be carried on, then I'd probably consider
asking my partner to change it. But I've got so
many Hockley's in the family now, so I'm like, yeah.

Speaker 3 (51:51):
I'll just I'll go to secrets.

Speaker 2 (51:53):
Yeah, or whoever is lucky enough to marry me I
mean john joking, Sorry, man, Johnson isn't exactly a brand name.

Speaker 4 (52:00):
I think that they're doing Okay.

Speaker 3 (52:02):
Yeah, anyway, guys.

Speaker 4 (52:03):
That is it from us. We hope that you love
the episode.

Speaker 2 (52:05):
If you have any questions for ask gun Cut, slide
on into the DMS and we will do our best
to answer them on next week's episode. So and also
if you have a like we said, if you have
an ask gun cut aftermath. If we've answered a question
for you and you have an update for us, we
want to hear it, so make sure you send that
into the DMS as well.

Speaker 1 (52:25):
Don't forget to you, Mum, te Dad, Telly, dog ta friends,
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Ask Uncut - Donor Eggs, Keeping My Ex's Surname & My Best Friend's Husband Tried to Cheat With Me

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.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}Ask Uncut - Donor Eggs, Keeping My Ex's Surname & My Best Friend's Husband Tried to Cheat With Me