Ask Uncut - Is This Normal? Bridesmaid Beef & Beers For One

Hey Lifers,

Welcome back to ask uncut where we answer all of your deep and burning questions!

Britt has some terrible dating advice that includes faking a celebrity interaction.
The tide seems to be turning on Raygun. There is more speculation around the ethics of her journey to the Olympics since we recorded on Monday morning.
Laura helps Britt learn about her (Ben's) new home in Romania. 

Vibes for the week:

Laura: Two Doting Dads Book: The Quest For Free Time

Keeshia: It Ends With Us Film

Britt: Diary of a CEO podcast with Francis Ngannou

Then we jump into your questions!

AM I UNFULFILLED OR IS THIS NORMAL?

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 5 years. I have kids, he doesn’t. I have always felt like he is my best mate, not necessarily my penguin but at the same time it’s been 5 years we’ve put in the work and my kids now adore him. His best friend moved in with us a year ago. I obviously noticed this man was attractive and I’ve known him for a long time but I was happy and content with my partner and I thought hey it’s normal to just appreciate someone’s good looks. 

Until… he messaged me one night. I was at work and he had been drinking. It said  “Hey please don’t repeat what I’m about to tell you.” He goes on to tell me that he finds me irresistible and the reason he chose to take a FIFO (3 on, 1 off) job was because he struggles to be alone with me. He said he thinks about me non stop. 

I would be lying if I didn’t say I felt the lust. I went home, slept it off and felt so guilty that I showed my boyfriend the messages. He kind of just said ‘Oh wow he is thinking with the wrong body part’ and has since pretended like it never happened. Now I’m in a tailspin. I dream about this man. He creeps into my mind constantly. He comes home in a week and I’ve tried gently suggesting to my boyfriend that we ask him to move out. Obviously I haven’t told him that I am attracted to his best friend but I just said that it’s a little awkward. My partner just replied that the extra income is helpful and he probably won’t try anything. But what he doesn’t know is that his friend has messaged me since telling me he is sorry, however I am just so beautiful and kind, how I’m the sweetest and he can’t help but think about me. I truly think that I’m just feeling this way because after 5 years and being a full time working mum, I feel invisible to my family so having a man call me irresistible is a thrill. I do not want to go against my morals and destroy someone’s trust over a fling but I also don’t want to tell my partner how I feel. Should I be looking at this as a sign I’m unfulfilled in my relationship and maybe it’s time to move on (not with his friend) or is this just a normal reaction to having an attractive man show me attention and once he has moved out I can just move past this without hurting my boyfriend?

DON'T WANT TO WEAR THE BRIDAL OUTFIT
How do I tell the bride and groom of a wedding I’m attending later this year that the bridal party outfit they have chosen for me is awful and I don’t want to wear it? Keep in mind they also asked me to pay for it (so now I am out of pocket too). I live in a different state to them, so had to order online without trying the outfit before buying. It is unflattering, does not suit my shape, and I feel so uncomfortable in it. I do not want to wear this in public, let alone in front of a crowd at a wedding. I had suggested early on that if I’m paying for it, could I buy a nice dress in their colours that I’d be likely to wear again. They insisted however they wanted everyone to be ‘uniform’. Do I just have t

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Life Uncut acknowledges the traditional custodians of country whose lands
were never seated. We pay our respects to their elders
past and present.

Speaker 2 (00:07):
Always was, always will be Aboriginal Land. This episode was
recorded on Cameragle Land.

Speaker 1 (00:22):
Hi guys, and welcome back to another episode of Life
un Cut. I'm Brittany and I'm Laura.

Speaker 2 (00:26):
Sorry I forgot to my phone on silent now I'm good, shocked, Yeah,
I'm ready, do.

Speaker 3 (00:30):
Not disturb me.

Speaker 1 (00:31):
Do you know my favorite thing about you is your
someone's phone on golf And Laura's like, someone's phone's on,
and everyone looks at their phone and we're all on
do not disturb, and she's like, what's mine?

Speaker 3 (00:39):
Every time.

Speaker 1 (00:41):
We're all like, it's not us. She's like, I can
hear it. You're like everyone to know.

Speaker 2 (00:45):
That I'm popular and that indeed people do try and
contact me.

Speaker 3 (00:49):
It happens. I'm so sorry.

Speaker 1 (00:51):
Oh my god, what I don't know why this memory
is flashing into my head. Oh god, when you said
I want everyone to think I'm popular, guys, please think
I'm popular. I think I might have told this on
the podcast like four years ago. Has to have been
at the beginning, I had been seeing this guy that
I was obsessed with, that like couldn't care less about me.

(01:15):
To be honest, I remember, I was like, I was
so frustra It was hot, obviously, that's why I was
obsessed with him more. And I was so frustrated by
the way he treated me because he gave me enough
to keep me going and pretended he was interested.

Speaker 2 (01:28):
Which one was he can we give him a give
me a two words that would explain to me who
he is.

Speaker 1 (01:34):
I can, but I also don't ever want him to
hear what I'm about to say.

Speaker 3 (01:37):
He's not listening. He doesn't care about you, Brett. He
never did.

Speaker 1 (01:42):
No, that's the thing he did.

Speaker 3 (01:44):
Okay, give me two words and we'll beat them.

Speaker 1 (01:47):
Oh yeah, yeah yeah. Anyway, very long on and off
quote unquote relationship, but it wasn't anyway.

Speaker 3 (01:53):
So I remember you thought it was a relations He
would let me go.

Speaker 1 (01:56):
He'd be like it's not for me, and then I
would be like cool, then I'll move on with my
life and he'd reared me back in and it was
like that for years. Anyway. I remember this one time
it was like getting to the end of this, it
was going to be like a big blop, and I
was like, okay, it's now whenever. So I remember changing
my friend's name in my phone to this really hot
famous person, and I said, I'm going to be meeting

(02:17):
him for coffee at this time. I'm going to put
my phone in the middle of the table message me
multiple times. So this person's name pomps up. So do
you know what I mean? I just faked.

Speaker 3 (02:26):
I just faked my friend. I just changed their name.

Speaker 1 (02:29):
So it looked like this hot famous guy kept messaging
me in front of him, and I saw him look down,
and then I was such a good actor. I was like,
I'm so sorry, and I turned it and turned my
phone over. But I knew that he had seen that
we're coming through. It worked. He was back in. He
was like, give it to me, Brittany, Okay, how hard
did you go?

Speaker 4 (02:46):
Was it?

Speaker 3 (02:47):
Chatting Tatum? No, it was attainable.

Speaker 1 (02:51):
It was believable. It was a neighbor's star. It was
to Robert.

Speaker 4 (02:58):
Someone from us Shift, Miguel, you got me.

Speaker 1 (03:06):
Larry's hot.

Speaker 2 (03:07):
Also, every single person I've mentioned has like a wife
or a lovely girlfriend, so not attainable.

Speaker 1 (03:11):
It's like Timothy's shallow man, bit far shoot to the stars.
It was someone that like I shouldn't have even say
it attainable, but it was like it could have been
a long shot on any good day.

Speaker 3 (03:22):
I need to know now who the attainable person is.

Speaker 1 (03:25):
Well, I can beat it again, you go.

Speaker 3 (03:27):
It was.

Speaker 1 (03:29):
Ah sex speak, all those names.

Speaker 3 (03:34):
Just my whole story is just going to be like
beetep beep.

Speaker 1 (03:40):
Oh god, oh, guys, I wanted to say so.

Speaker 2 (03:43):
If you listen to Tuesday's episode, we talked about the
cultural and social phenomenon that is Reagan. We did a
deep dive, but we almost did like a premature deep dive,
because we talked about it on Monday morning, when you know,
there was quite a bit of information the news about it.
She was already going very very viral the time. But
that episode came out on Tuesday, and since then there's

(04:05):
been developments And maybe Reygun is a scammer.

Speaker 1 (04:08):
Yeah, the Turner's tape, ray Gun the break dancing scammer. Well,
let's not start the rumors in case they're not true.
But there's some due diligence, some further due diligence that
we do need to do here and the world needs
to do. But some spicy little things are starting to
come roll onto the dance floor.

Speaker 2 (04:26):
I mean, this is wild. Also, it's got fourteen thousand
signatures right now. The goal is fifteen thousand, so they're
almost there. They're actually there're on fourteen eight hundred and
fifty eight signatures. So people really care about this. But
it says hold reygun Rachel Gunn and Anna me is
accountable for unethical conduct at the Olympic selection.

Speaker 4 (04:44):
I feel that you guys are kind of dancing around
it just in case. But I don't mind kind of
throwing myself under the bus if this does end up
to not be correct.

Speaker 3 (04:50):
We're dancing around it so we don't get sued.

Speaker 4 (04:52):
And also I don't have as much to lose, so
hang on, you do try and sue me, but I
can claim bankruptcy.

Speaker 1 (05:00):
We get sued, not you. No, I'm dancing around it
before we say it. This is allegedly. I'm dancing around
it because the worst thing you can do to someone
is go and publicly throw mud on them and accuse
them of something if they didn't do it. So until
we one hundred percent no, that is why I dance
around it.

Speaker 4 (05:17):
Okay, so there's speculation, there's smoke and fire saying that
she set up her own governing body, her husband was
involved in the selection process, there was something to do
with how there was access to the competition of which
she was selected to then go on and represent Australia.
It's just looking a bit cheap.

Speaker 2 (05:36):
When you say the governing body, you mean around the
Olympic qualifiers. So that's why people are calling, Okay, maybe
it didn't go to someone who was the best dancer
in Australia when it comes to break dancing, and there
was a lot of allowances that allowed her to get
there in the first place.

Speaker 3 (05:50):
There is people mad on the internet yet, but I'd
love to actually and this is why I don't want
to accuse.

Speaker 1 (05:55):
I'd love to wait till the facts are out, because
you don't just have a panel, a husband and wife panel,
with one person that goes, oh, this is the one
and there's evidently far superior athletes there. So there's definitely
still questions around this. For me, it still doesn't add up,
so I need to see receipts.

Speaker 4 (06:11):
Yeah, it's looking as though there were issues with people
who were actually very talented in this particular field who
may have wanted to represent Australia being able to get
to the qualifier events. There's a cultural element to this.
A lot of people are, you know, saying that there's
an element.

Speaker 1 (06:27):
Of cultural appropriation.

Speaker 4 (06:29):
But I do think it's important to point out that
we recorded at eight am on Monday.

Speaker 1 (06:34):
A lot of this information wasn't.

Speaker 4 (06:35):
Widespread by then, and that's kind of why I feel
like we're just saying there is.

Speaker 1 (06:40):
More now to present.

Speaker 4 (06:41):
If this information had been available and when we were recorded,
maybe we.

Speaker 3 (06:45):
Would have had different opinions.

Speaker 2 (06:47):
Also, it's wild to me how much we've spoken about
break dancing for something I've never talked about in my
entire life. It's now dominated my existence the past four days.

Speaker 3 (06:58):
This person she haunts me in my sleep.

Speaker 1 (07:00):
I used to do it when I was a part
of a youth group. I'm not gonna lie. I used
to do that, the spin on the back.

Speaker 4 (07:07):
Well, we used to do it on Wednesdays and Fridays,
but then I ended up going into the band instead.
But break dancing, it was a big part of the
church culture.

Speaker 3 (07:16):
I always thought I could be Olympian.

Speaker 1 (07:17):
So fine, do you know what it would be?

Speaker 2 (07:20):
I always thought I that's a lie. I actually don't
have any stamina for anything. I could never go to
the Olympics. You know how some people they had that
fighting spirit that when they feel as though they should
stop in their body, their brain takes over. Like I
think of people like Ned Brockman, for example. I was
born without that. When things get hard, I stop. When
my body says, like you're tired, now, I go. I

(07:41):
listen to you.

Speaker 1 (07:42):
I'm Ned Brockman inside, like that's who I want to be.
You're competitive, very competitive. I think we give up soon.

Speaker 3 (07:49):
I'm tired.

Speaker 4 (07:49):
If there was an Olympic sport right now that you
think you'd be most suited to, what would it be?

Speaker 1 (07:55):
Oh, I need to sleep think about that. That's not
a sport.

Speaker 4 (07:57):
I want to be the guy.

Speaker 1 (07:58):
Was he Turkish?

Speaker 4 (07:59):
Used to be military guy, just went up with the gun.

Speaker 1 (08:02):
Do you know what silver? I know what I would
have if I could go back into another life, I'd
do tennis. I'd be a tennis player. That's interesting, dated one.
I don't understand why that's awkward at all, just funny.
That's what you you asked the question. I answered, That's

(08:22):
what I think I would.

Speaker 3 (08:23):
I love playing tennis, and I think that that's what
I'd want to do.

Speaker 1 (08:26):
I think I'd be good at it. I think I picked
you guys great couples tennis back in the day. Yeah,
he just came up. He was just in the Wimbledon final. Actually, Okay,
that's a segway. Keep going. We might have been a
great tennis couple, but we're not a couple. I'm in love.
Cut all of that.

Speaker 2 (08:43):
But it's like everything I've said on this podcast, so.

Speaker 1 (08:47):
I don't exist to control altfully.

Speaker 3 (08:49):
Hi, guys, welcome back to another episode with Keisha and Laura.

Speaker 2 (08:52):
Okay, so we are here to answer your questions. I
promise we're getting into that. There's just one more thing
I want to do before we do unpack all.

Speaker 3 (08:59):
Of your troublesome troubles.

Speaker 2 (09:01):
So if you listen on Tuesday's episode as well, you
would know that Britt is now moving to Romania.

Speaker 1 (09:06):
I live in Romania.

Speaker 3 (09:07):
She lives in Romania.

Speaker 2 (09:08):
I'm Romanian and moving to Romania. Well no, but I mean, Ben,
look you your beautiful fiance. He's now living in Romania,
which means that you'll be spending a lot of time there,
and it's a country that you seem to know absolutely
nothing about.

Speaker 3 (09:20):
Except that's where Dracula is, except that you taught me that.

Speaker 2 (09:23):
Except Dracula came from Romania, from Transylvania.

Speaker 1 (09:26):
So actually one edition here. I know you're going somewhere
with it. But my favorite part of the other day
was Keisha saying, isn't Dracula a mosquito? That's what Keisha said.
I feel like we need that quote taken and put somewhere. Anyway, continued,
I said, he was like a mosquito.

Speaker 4 (09:40):
You can see where the parallels are. Vampires and mosquitos
both suck blood.

Speaker 1 (09:45):
But he's a bat. I didn't know it was a
bad He moved to Romania, which is where Dracula is from.

Speaker 2 (09:54):
As a fun fact, dracular Aara not real but no,
but he's based on a real person.

Speaker 3 (09:59):
But it's the But where.

Speaker 1 (10:00):
He's from is real, which is Transylvania. In Romania, Dracula,
I think he thrives in a colder environment, but it
does get really cold in the winter there.

Speaker 3 (10:09):
What does he do in summer?

Speaker 1 (10:10):
I think he doesn't go out at night. Dracula is
a night animal. Isn't that the whole point?

Speaker 4 (10:14):
I'm not It's kind of like a mosquito, isn't he mosquito?

Speaker 2 (10:18):
No?

Speaker 1 (10:18):
I went up about Dracula.

Speaker 3 (10:19):
He's about my bat. I don't know how you guys
don't know about Dracula. Where the fuck did you grow up?

Speaker 2 (10:29):
I think it's important to know some fun facts about
the place that you're going to be moving to.

Speaker 3 (10:33):
And we're going to miss you when you live in Romania. Britt,
it's been good so far.

Speaker 1 (10:37):
Am I going to die in Romania?

Speaker 2 (10:38):
Okay, here's one that one of our beautiful life has
sent us, she said. Britt needs to know what's going
down in Romania. So the country is home to eight
thousand brown bears, according to the Environmental Ministry, Europe's largest
brown bear population outside of Russia. Bears have killed twenty
six people and severely injured them two hundred and seventy
four others over the past twenty years.

Speaker 3 (10:59):
That's a long time.

Speaker 1 (11:00):
There were bears in Romania.

Speaker 3 (11:02):
So people are dropping dead from bears in Romania?

Speaker 1 (11:05):
Are they where ben is? Yeah?

Speaker 3 (11:07):
They're everywhere. The place is infested with brown mes So
what am I supposed to do? And bats?

Speaker 2 (11:12):
It was the first city to have electric street lamps
in Europe, so they're advanced.

Speaker 1 (11:17):
They're super fast and it is rapid. They're fast advanced.

Speaker 4 (11:20):
One thing you will love is that Romania is one
of the countries with the fastest internet speed. It has
the sixth fastest internet speed in the world.

Speaker 1 (11:28):
Wow, so I can record from there, we can reach you.
We'll be able to get down the line real quick.

Speaker 4 (11:33):
Okay, it'll just buffer on our end. It's Australian Internet.
So shit.

Speaker 2 (11:37):
It also has and this is one of the tourist
landmarks that apparently everyone needs to go and visit when
they're in Romania. Romania has one of the happiest cemeteries
in the world.

Speaker 1 (11:47):
It is called the Merry Cemetery.

Speaker 2 (11:48):
And all the tombstones are decorated colorfully and have poetry
or they have like funny jokes to try and relate
back to the person who's in them.

Speaker 1 (11:56):
I'm sorry, but that screams Brittany as the person heads
with a joke. That is cool, man, it's nice. That
is the kind of cemetery I think should be everywhere
around the world.

Speaker 3 (12:05):
Oh, it's only in Romania. Sorry. You know what's not.

Speaker 4 (12:09):
Only in Romania?

Speaker 3 (12:10):
What Little Paris Book Arrest.

Speaker 4 (12:12):
Its nickname is Little Paris because they built an Arcta
Triumph in nineteen thirty five.

Speaker 1 (12:17):
I've seen it all after in real life. No Ben
lives near the Arkda Triumph, the fake one.

Speaker 2 (12:22):
It always surprises me when countries do that, when they
build like something from another country inside them.

Speaker 3 (12:27):
It's like you never have to leave.

Speaker 1 (12:28):
We have it all here, here's our little Paris version Vegas.

Speaker 3 (12:31):
It's so weak.

Speaker 1 (12:32):
He's fake countries everywhere. Yeah, anyway you feel like you're
in there. There's even a fake sky.

Speaker 2 (12:37):
Chloe just wanted to make you feel a little bit
more at home with some very interesting Romania facts.

Speaker 1 (12:41):
I don't know if that makes me feel at home.
By being like sober, you're probably going to die by
a brown bear. But if you do die, you can
have a joke on your headstone about the brown bear,
about the I actually have a joke about a bear.

Speaker 3 (12:52):
What is it?

Speaker 1 (12:53):
How do you coax a bear out of a tree?

Speaker 3 (12:56):
I don't know, with some honey, with camon bear, You
and your fucking cheese jokes.

Speaker 1 (13:03):
I'm not even giving you a laugh.

Speaker 4 (13:04):
No, I'm not even giving you a giggle.

Speaker 3 (13:08):
What do you call a bear without any teeth?

Speaker 1 (13:11):
Bare mouth?

Speaker 3 (13:11):
A gummy bear?

Speaker 1 (13:14):
I'm not laughing back at a principle. I'm not giving
you a laugh.

Speaker 3 (13:19):
Okay, let's get into vibes onswer.

Speaker 2 (13:22):
I'm gonna kick it off today because I have a
vibe that I want everyone to get behind.

Speaker 1 (13:26):
Great.

Speaker 2 (13:26):
It's very insular vibe. It has come from within my
home and I'm extremely proud of my husband, So Matt
and his podcast partner Ash Wicks, who have the podcast
Two Doting Dads. You guys might have heard of it.
It's fabulous, especially for any parents out there who just
want to listen to, you know, the normal trials and
tribulations of parenting, the relatable shit. They have written a

(13:48):
kid's book and it's called Two Doting Dads The Quest
for Free Time.

Speaker 3 (13:52):
It came out yesterday.

Speaker 2 (13:53):
It is available in all Good bookstores and all Terrible bookstores.

Speaker 1 (13:56):
They will sell it anywhere that you can buy a
book from.

Speaker 3 (13:59):
What's it about it?

Speaker 1 (13:59):
So like two dads that don't want to be there.

Speaker 2 (14:01):
There are two dads who are in the park with
their children and they're reminiscing about life before they had kids,
how it was so easy for them to do things
together as friends. And then they devise a plan. So
that they can go and spend time together just the
two of them. But then all of the tribulations of
being a parent get in the way, like one of
the men's up in hospital because they've stepped on legook

(14:22):
too much detail ends up having a puna.

Speaker 1 (14:25):
The book now just tell us what it's mostly, don't
ruin the plot.

Speaker 2 (14:29):
No, But the reason why it's really sweet is because
at the end of the book, the two dads end
up being able to spend time together without the kids,
and then they have the realization that the only place
they want to be is together but with their children.
Stop it you'd be really sweet. And yeah, I think
they've done such a great job. It's such a funny, humorous,
beautiful kids book. And also it's one where I think

(14:49):
so many kids books suck because they're great for kids,
but actually the parents are really find them really boring.
It's one where as a parent you will enjoy reading it.
So go and get it. Two darning dads a quest
for free time, and I'm so proud of Matt go
tell wonderfully.

Speaker 4 (15:00):
Is my vibe for this week? Is the movie that
every single person is talking about. I went and saw
it last Thursday. It is the movie it ends with us,
starring Blake Lively and Justin Baldoni. It was initially a
book by Colin Hoover.

Speaker 1 (15:14):
It was read by half.

Speaker 4 (15:15):
Of the world, like it was so popular, and I
haven't read the book, but Beck, my friend who I
went with to the movies to go and see it,
she had initially before this was turned into a movie.
When they were filming the scenes, there was a lot
of criticism of the fact that the original storyline involves
a twenty three year old girl, and so what plays

(15:36):
out it's not a rom com, even though when you
kind of look at the imagery and the stuff that's
being used to promote the book, I thought it was
going to be more of a rom com than it was.
But I was aware of the theme of the movie
before I went in, and I actually think that for
anyone who is going to see it, you probably need
to be because it wasn't what I expected romantic drama.
The theme of the book and of the movie is

(15:59):
domestic violence, and it shows kind of the complexities about
these relationships, of abusive relationships, of how they can seem
to be one thing and then they can turn into another.
I really really liked the movie and not liked as
in like I thought it was such a good time
to watch. I think for anyone who has experienced any
forms of violence or abuse, the word triggering I think

(16:22):
gets thrown around a little bit too much. But I
actually do think you need to be warned that there
will be scenes in the movie that are confronting, because
I think if you're someone who has experienced that, you
know what comes next. I think they walked the line
really well for an audience who were much more likely
to be victims rather than perpetrators. I thought the acting
was really good. I put up a story last Thursday

(16:44):
after I saw the movie, and I got so many
messages from life on cut listeners being like, oh my gosh,
what did you think? There are criticisms. One of the
main criticisms is that the power dynamic doesn't fit as
well in the movie as what it did in the book,
because Blake Lively is obviously not twenty three, so that
was an additional part. I actually think that they kind
of adapted really well in that way, so that that

(17:04):
wasn't something that played out so much in the movie.
There's a lot of press at the moment about Justin
Baldoni not getting on with the cast and different reasons
that they might be feuding. There's criticism over the fact
that Blake Lively has launched a hair care line and
she's saying things like where your florals, get your girlfriends
together and go and see the movie when it's about
domestic violence. Yeah, I don't really know where I land

(17:27):
on that. I thought it was a really good movie
to help people understand that domestic violence relationships, there are moments,
and there are reasons that people stay, and there are
reasons that people still love perpetrators, and I thought that
the movie actually showed that in a really, really good way.

Speaker 3 (17:44):
Oh it's so good.

Speaker 2 (17:44):
I've seen so much press around it, but genuinely haven't.
I mean, I haven't seen it yet, obviously, And I
knew a little bit about the book because I started
it then didn't finish it. But I know at the
time it was a real TikTok sensation of a book.
So it's always interesting to see how films adapt something
that is so well loved and so well read. It's
good to know that, not that you can have the comparison,
but it's good to know that as someone who's coming

(18:06):
to it just as a movie.

Speaker 4 (18:07):
You enjoyed it, Yeah, And I think that whenever there
are books that are that popular turned into movies, people
are automatically going to be critical because they've painted an
idea of what they think a character is going to be,
and then they see it on a screen they go,
that's not what I pitch it totally. So there are
a lot of criticisms about the adaptation. My friend beck
she thought it was a good adaptation.

Speaker 2 (18:24):
It's the same with I know everyone got really obsessed
with One Day because One Day is a very very
famous book, and I would say the characters weren't the
way in which I envisaged them in the series. If
you guys watched it everyone was talking about a few
months ago, but they were different. But I absolutely loved
the adaptation, even though they weren't the way that I
pictured them to be.

Speaker 1 (18:43):
My Vibe this Week is probably one of my favorite
podcast episodes I have ever listened to ever. It is
from Stephen Bartlett's diar over CEO, who you guys might
have listened to the episode we had Stephen Barlin on
our podcast. It is with a man named Francis Enganal.
He is a man from Cameroon in Central Africa. He

(19:06):
was the UFC heavyweight champion. He was a boxer and
a UFC fighter, both of them mixed martial arts. He
did it all, but his story is probably the most
inspirational and powerful story that I have ever heard. He
grew up in Central Africa so poor, with an abusive father,
and he decided at like ten years old that he

(19:26):
wanted to fight. He's like, I wanted to be a fighter,
but there was no gym, no training facility, nothing anywhere.
He was so determined that he he's like, I need
to get out of here. So he started working at
like twelve years old in a mine, Save Safe, Saved.
And then it's his story of walking, driving across Africa,
across the Sahara Desert, getting in the ocean and trying

(19:48):
to swim, trying across the ocean by a dinghy six times.
Eventually he makes it to Europe with like zero money.
He has nothing and no one, and he finds a
gym and goes in nothing and says, I want to fight.
What can I do? They told him, and he's like,
I can't afford that. They're like, let me speak to
a coach and they let him train for free. This
man that didn't owe him anything, put him up in

(20:10):
an apartment and they trained him and trained him and
trained him and trained him, and he ended up becoming
the heavyweight champion of the world.

Speaker 3 (20:16):
That's amazing, what a story.

Speaker 1 (20:18):
It gets even more incredible. The way he looks and
his personality are two polar opposite things. The things that
he has been through that is surface level. The things
that this man has been through is something that you
just wouldn't want to wish upon anyone. And then recently
he lost his fifteen month old son. But his story
and the way he speaks is the most powerful thing
I've ever heard. And I left that thinking, my God,

(20:39):
like he's the definition of if you want something and
dream and work hard enough and don't give up, that
you can get it. Like That's how I felt when
I left.

Speaker 4 (20:47):
I think it's also interesting when you hear stories like
that and you think about the people who didn't have
to help, but did.

Speaker 1 (20:54):
That's what I meant. I left thinking one person being
kind for no reason changed his entire existence. Yeah, he
didn't have to do anything. It was just a random
off the street that had nothing. It was like, please
let me train for free? Like who would have said
yes to that? So anyway, that's my recommendation. It came
out last week on the eighth. It's Diary of CEO
with Stephen Bartlett and the episode is Francis Engernell Wonderful.

Speaker 4 (21:17):
You want to get into the question, Yeah.

Speaker 3 (21:20):
Question number one. I've been with my boyfriend for five
years now.

Speaker 2 (21:24):
I have kids, he doesn't, and I've always felt like
he's my best mate, not necessarily my penguin. But at
the same time, it's been five years, we've put in
the work, and my kids now adore him. His best
friend moved in with us over a year ago. I
obviously noticed that this man was attractive, and I've known
him for a long time, but I was happy and
content with my partner and thought, you know, it's just
normal to appreciate someone else's good looks. Until he messaged

(21:48):
me one night I was at work and he had
been drinking. It said, hey, please don't repeat when I'm
about to tell you.

Speaker 1 (21:54):
All that never starts well, does it.

Speaker 2 (21:57):
He goes on to tell me that he finds me
here is this and the reason he chose to take
a five fo three days on one day off was
because he struggles to be alone with me. He said
he thinks about me NonStop. I would be lying if
I said I didn't feel the lost. I went home,
I slept it off, and I felt so guilty that
I did show my boyfriend the messages.

Speaker 1 (22:18):
He kind of just said, oh wow, he.

Speaker 2 (22:19):
Was thinking with the wrong body part, isn't he and
has since pretended like it never happened. Now I'm in
a tailspin. I dream about this man. He creeps into
my mind constantly. He comes home in a week, and
I've tried gently suggesting to my boyfriend that he really
needs to move out. Obviously, I haven't told him that
I'm attracted to his best friend, but I just said.

Speaker 1 (22:37):
That it's just a bit awkward for me.

Speaker 2 (22:38):
Now, my partner has replied that the extra income is
helpful and he probably won't try anything.

Speaker 3 (22:44):
Fuck This guy sounds like an idiot.

Speaker 2 (22:48):
But what he doesn't know is that his friend has
also messaged me since telling me that he's sorry.

Speaker 3 (22:52):
However, I am just so beautiful and kind.

Speaker 2 (22:55):
How I'm the sweetest person that he knows, and he
can't help but think about me. I truly think that
I'm feeling this way because after five years of being
a full time working mom, I feel invisible to my family,
So having a man call me irresistible is truly just
a thrill. I do not want to go against my
morals and destroy someone's trust, but I'm really not sure
how to navigate this. Should I be looking at this
as a sign that I'm unfulfilled in my relationship and

(23:17):
maybe it's time to move on, or is this a
normal reaction to having an attractive man show me attention.

Speaker 1 (23:23):
There is nothing normal about this situation, and I want
to say that by putting a full stop after every word,
like there is nothing more that is. Boyfriend is the
most complacent man I've ever heard in my life.

Speaker 3 (23:39):
This okay he needs to or I just can't believe it.

Speaker 1 (23:44):
If my partner if I was like, yo, like, you're
bestie and the guy that sleeps in the other room
he wants to have sex with me, he said, I'm irresistible. Yeah,
and he can't not resist me. He can't resist me,
he can't stop thinking about me. He wants me, And
my partner was like, oh, he's probably not want to
try it.

Speaker 3 (24:00):
It's cool.

Speaker 2 (24:01):
I don't think anyone's described me as irresistible in a
long time.

Speaker 3 (24:04):
It's been a long time.

Speaker 1 (24:06):
Okay. The short answer of this is, if you want
your relationship to survive, he needs to go immediately, needs
to go, and you don't have to make it a
big blow up. But like, he cannot stay in the
same house. He cannot stay, he cannot stay. And when
you said, actually, there's a part of the question where
you were like, he creeps into my at night, he
said he creeps into my mind at night, and I

(24:27):
thought the sentence was going to go he crips into
my bed at night, and I was like, well, there's
nothing normal about this. Like, the only thing that is
normal is that you feel good knowing that someone's attracted
to you. That is a really normal thing, especially when
you feel unseen and underappreciated in your relationship. If you
haven't felt like you've got a few kids, two kids,

(24:48):
and you've been together a long time, if you haven't
felt that spice and desire in your own relationship, which
chances are you're not because your partner couldn't care less.
If someone else wants to fuck you, then totally, then
I think that it's so normal, like everyone, it's human
nature to feel wanted and appreciated and if anything, to
feel seen. And it sounds like this guy sees you,

(25:08):
and I wonder if that is tricking you into thinking
you want something with him, like a chemistry trick, because
chemistry can be pretty tricky. Say tricky again, Britt, chemistry.

Speaker 3 (25:18):
Can be pretty tricky.

Speaker 2 (25:21):
I look, I don't want to I don't want to
come into hot in terms of like criticizing your partner,
because I think some people would look at this situation
and go, would your partner has so much trust in
you that that's something that's admirable, Like he trusts that
you are never going to do anything that goes against
the foundation of the relationship that you've built together. And

(25:41):
he also just kind of trusts his friend in a way,
I guess, and he's like.

Speaker 1 (25:45):
Well, that's the problem.

Speaker 2 (25:46):
But totally there's a sense of naivity, there's a sense
of complacency in there. But also I do agree with you,
Britt in saying that it's no wonder to me that
there is no desire. And it's not because I expect
my partner to have jealousy, but I would expect my
partner to care if their friend was showing interest in me,
sexual interest, I would expect them to have some sort
of response to that, some sort of sense of protection,

(26:09):
some sort of sense of like, you know, no, I'm
going to prioritize our relationship and our intimacy over my
friend who's literally trying to have sex with my girlfriend,
or is you know, behaving inappropriately and creating a situation
that's uncomfortable in our own house. The complacency pisces me
off right, and I think, yeah, be careful about looking
at it as though, oh my god, we trust each

(26:30):
other so much. I don't think that that is kind
of that.

Speaker 1 (26:33):
To me is weird. It's not the trust thing. Trust
doesn't come into this for me. It's not, Yeah, you're
not caring that your friend.

Speaker 3 (26:40):
Has gone behind your back in your house.

Speaker 1 (26:43):
A house that he has given you. He's gone behind
your back to message your wife and say I want
to be with you. I can't stop thinking about you,
but please don't tell anyone totally. And that's why I'm like,
it's complacency. So if he is that complacent around that situation,
how complacent is he in the relationship in total?

Speaker 3 (27:01):
I mean, from all the.

Speaker 2 (27:01):
Conversations we've had on this podcast before, Esther Perella is
the first person who comes to mind, because she's someone
who speaks so well on the concept of desire. You've
literally said, after five years, I feel invisible to my family.

Speaker 1 (27:14):
There is no desire in your relationship.

Speaker 2 (27:16):
If you feel invisible, if you feel unseen, your needs
are not being met. So it is no surprise to
me that when someone is showing you a level of
attraction of intimacy, telling you that you're beautiful, that you're irresistible,
that you are fantasizing about them, course of course you are.
In no way do I blame you for having those thoughts,
And I think that you have navigated this in the

(27:37):
best way so far because you haven't cheated on your husband,
you haven't done anything wrong. But there does have to
be some boundaries that put in place, and there has
to be some conversations that I had, like honest, honest conversations,
because otherwise nothing's going to change. And then this whole
situation is just put on you to resist temptation rather
than it being something that you can work through together
with your partner. So I would say, first thing, he

(28:00):
has to go. If you're like, Okay, this is just temptation.
You cannot stay living in the same house as him,
because there's no way that you're going to be able
to repair your relationship with your current partner if he's
still living there. But also it does require a sense
of honesty and a sense of communication which will be
hurtful to your current partner around.

Speaker 3 (28:20):
This is the situation.

Speaker 2 (28:22):
This is how I feel, and I know I'm not
attracted to him, but I feel as though the attention
makes me feel something.

Speaker 3 (28:30):
And I think it's because I'm not getting that attention
from you.

Speaker 1 (28:32):
But also, it's your house too. You don't have to
subtly suggest that maybe the person that's sneaking around behind
your partner's back and hitting on you in your own
house should go. Like that doesn't have to be subtle.
You are uncomfortable in your house, but it doesn't matter why.
You don't have to tiptoe around with your partner. You
just say to him, I'm uncomfortable now. We are fine
without the extra money, or we can find someone else,

(28:54):
but I don't feel comfortable in my house knowing that
he is there.

Speaker 3 (28:57):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (28:58):
The other thing I think is put yourself in this situation.
If that was your friend, a female friend that you
were renting the room to, and she had message to
your husband and said, hey, whenever Sally's gone, like, I
just can't something about you. I want to be with you.
I know what's wrong, Please don't tell her. If you
had found out your friend had done that under your
roof to your husband, I can guarantee you your response

(29:19):
would be different, and your response is probably the response
it should be. Like if I gave Keisha a room
and then found out she was trying to bang Ben
can imagine there's not bring me into this, no, but.

Speaker 3 (29:32):
It's an example like if your friend, if your good friend.

Speaker 1 (29:35):
If I had to give you a room Keisha, and
no part of me thinks you'll Ben on record. If
I gave you a room because you were stuck and
then I found out you'd been messaging my husband or
fiance saying that like when I'm out, you want to
bang him? Imagine like, no normal person, unless they're aiming
for a threesome, it's going to be okay with.

Speaker 2 (29:53):
That, or unless they don't care, unless that he's going
exactly this is the thing, and this is why you
feel undesired because that response from your partner indicates that
he has partly checked out, he doesn't care. That's why
you feel disappointed because the response is so unreasonable. The
response is so lacking a normal sense of setting boundaries
within a relationship that it is not surprising.

Speaker 3 (30:15):
To me that there is no desire in your relationship.

Speaker 2 (30:18):
So that's why I think there has to be some
hard conversations that have had And I know you say
you haven't. You've told him parts you showed in the messages.
I'm glad you showed in the messages to start with.
But this now is at a point where either you're
going to be living in your house in such a
high stress environment because anytime your housemate comes in, you're
going to have that like or like the elephant in

(30:40):
the room anxiety, which is an awful way to live.
Your house should be a place of like harmony, peace
and comfort. It shouldn't be a place where you're walking
on eggshells or you're you're frantically feeling anything inside around
like being around someone. So the conversation has to be
your friend has to move out, like this is where
we're at. This does not sit well with me. I

(31:00):
don't feel comfortable anymore for X y Z reasons. You
can go into as much or as little as you
want to, but then there has to be a conversation
with your partner around this feeling of invisibility, and if
that hasn't changed, or that doesn't change, then you can't
stay in this relationship because it is not normal to
get to the five year mark and have kids and
feel invisible. And I know a lot of women do,

(31:22):
and I know a lot of mums especially feel invisible
in their families. That's not normal, and just because it
happens shouldn't mean that it's accepted and shouldn't mean that
we go all well, it happens to other people, so therefore,
you know, maybe I should just be okay with the
fact that we've been together so long now, and you know,
my husband doesn't really make me feel as though he
cares about me or is thrilled about me. It's like

(31:43):
you're accepting the behavior and that's why it's continuing.

Speaker 1 (31:47):
I don't want to say that you will do this,
but I do want to say you are far more
likely to end up cheating. Yeah, you will if he
stays in your house, because if he's not there, and
he texts you do with that what you will? BITDP
is in the lounge room and you're in the kitchen
and your husband's not there, and he's been flirting with
you NonStop, little brushes, little touches. You feel neglected in
your relationship, you are far more likely to accept those advances.

Speaker 2 (32:11):
One hundred and because you know that this wasn't a
drunken attempt. You know that this wasn't just him thinking
with his willy as your partner brushed it off like
we're so stupid. You know that this is something that
runs deeper for him, and it's how he feels about you,
and you're now because of that attention, you're building.

Speaker 3 (32:29):
Feelings based off chemistry.

Speaker 2 (32:31):
Even though those feelings aren't necessarily real, they will become
very real, very very quickly, and that will be so
hard for you to navigate when you get to a
place where you're like, oh fuck, I'm in love with
my housemate who's my partner's best friend.

Speaker 1 (32:44):
That's where you're headache. That's what will happen. Yeah, and also,
don't feel like you have to work it out with
your partner either if it's not there as well, and
that's a decision you make. That's also okay, But like
you're not going to just walk out and be with
the friend. But it's a discussion. I have a spiciest banner.

Speaker 3 (32:57):
What if? Have we started hypotheticals here? Yeah, this is
a hypothetical.

Speaker 1 (33:01):
What if?

Speaker 3 (33:01):
What if she does? What if she goes? Okay?

Speaker 2 (33:04):
I'm not getting this what I need from my partner,
and I'm ready to blow my fucking life up into
a million pieces. Maybe she likes the drama, maybe she
likes the red flags. What happens if she goes okay,
I'm done. I feel this strongly about my housemate. I'm
gonna see what happens. How do you navigate that?

Speaker 1 (33:20):
It sounds like the husband wouldn't care anyway, to be honest, No,
honestly we joke.

Speaker 3 (33:27):
Don't do that, but good luck. No, don't do that.
Don't fuck that house making.

Speaker 1 (33:31):
No, unless there's a lot of time in between and
you've left your partner and you think that he's the one,
it can't just be sex. It has to because you
think there's something to it, all right. Question number two,
how do I tell the bride and groom of a
wedding that I'm attending later this year that the bridal
party outfit they have chosen for me is awful and
I do not want to wear it in no capacity.

(33:53):
Keep in mind, they also ask me to pay for it,
so now that's about of pocket for a dress that
I hate. I live in a different state to them,
so I had to order online without trying the outfit
on before I bought it. It is unflattering, does not
suit my shape, and I feel very uncomfortable in it.
I did not want to.

Speaker 3 (34:09):
Wear this in public. Shit really is doubling down.

Speaker 1 (34:12):
I don't want to wear it in public, let alone
in front of a crowd of people that I know
at a wedding. I had suggested early on that if
I'm paying for it, could I please buy a nice
dress in the color that they would like, one that
I would be likely to wear again. They insisted, however,
that they want everyone to be uniform. Do I have
to just suck it up as a day is not
about me? Also, this is a destination wedding, so I'm

(34:33):
already spending thousands on travel and accommodation to attend.

Speaker 2 (34:37):
That to me is shit behavior from your friend when
you get married, And I know that this is going
to trigger some people. I'm very, very sorry if this
was how you navigated your wedding. But the most important
thing to me is that my friends feel comfortable. And
no one is the same body shape, no one is
the same size. I would never want someone to be
standing next to me feeling uncomfortable, exposed as though they

(35:00):
didn't you know, they weren't wearing something that even remotely
complimented them, and I made them pay for it simply
because my desire for uniformity outweighed their desire for confidence
and peace of mind. I think, firstly that for shitty
mentality that your friend had, so like, that's how I
feel about that.

Speaker 3 (35:18):
How do you navigate it now?

Speaker 2 (35:20):
I would be honest, I would say, like, I receive
the dress online, it really doesn't fit me properly, and
I don't think I can wear this. And I know
that you have an idea around what you want, but
is there any chance that you would be okay with
me getting something goal or maybe there's a different fit
from the same designer, Because like a lot of people
these days, when you get a bridesmaid's dress, they will

(35:40):
get it from the one place they shown a Joy
for example, it's the perfect example of like a place
to get a bridesmaid's dress from because they'll have the
same color, but then they'll have so many different shapes
and cuts so that anyone can choose a dress that
will fit their body shape rather than it just fitting
the theme of the wedding.

Speaker 3 (35:56):
Do you know what I mean?

Speaker 1 (35:57):
I completely agree. I think when I think, oh, of
my wedding, the first thing that I would think of
is that they can pick what they want.

Speaker 3 (36:05):
Like even with my sister, I've already said to her,
what color do you.

Speaker 1 (36:08):
Want to wear? Because she's my maid of honor totally,
what dress length? How do you envision it? And she's like, well,
why don't you give me a guide of the color
thing you want? And I was like, I almost don't care.
I'm almost like, as long as you're happy.

Speaker 2 (36:19):
Well, usually, I mean, maybe I'm wrong, but I usually
think that the bride's made conversation around what everyone's wearing.
It usually happens as a group. It's usually not just
something that the bride dictates down and says, this is
what everyone is wearing. But usually you have a WhatsApp
group and everyone's kind of like in there and having
a chat, like, what do you think of this option?

Speaker 3 (36:37):
What do you think of this option? No, I think
it's I think there's two sort of parties here.

Speaker 1 (36:41):
I think one's that where there's the more lax bride
that's working for her bridesmaids, and then there's the bride
that's like, knows what her wedding is to a tea,
she's probably had those dresses picked out for eternity. But
my question is I also agree. I think you're right back,
and you say I've never been more uncomfortable in my life. Like,
say what you say to us, but a bit more diplomatically,

(37:01):
Just say like, I am thoroughly uncomfortable. There is no
part of me that wants to wear this. Like, what
are the options here? Do you think we could try?
Just ask her? My question, law is what happens then
if the bride says no, can you pull out of
the bridle party?

Speaker 2 (37:16):
Well, look, I have one other feeling before I get
to that part, because I think you can pull out
of the bridal party, but I do think it'll cause
a rift, and I think it would be upsetting for everyone.
I guess the other part of this is the expectation
that some brides have for their bridesmaids to self purchase
a dress that they're never gonna wear again. I think
that that's an unreasonable request and we need to stop

(37:37):
doing that.

Speaker 1 (37:38):
That's super standard, though you do you think, no, I
know it is. That is how it is, and I
don't necessarily agree with it at all, But that's historically
that's what happens. The bride's maids get center dress. Sometimes
it's like half is compensated by the bride, but usually
it's like, hey, this will be the dress. If you
could purchase it, that would be amazing.

Speaker 3 (37:57):
Okay, That to me is absolutely insane.

Speaker 2 (38:00):
I think it is crazy to expect someone to pay
for a dress that you have picked out for them,
that they're never ever ever going to wear again, and
they don't have any saying it whatsoever. I think if
that's the way it's going to be, then the expectations
should be on the bride to pay for the dress.

Speaker 1 (38:15):
I agree.

Speaker 2 (38:16):
I think if you give them the option, if you're like, hey,
here is a few different kinds of dresses, choose the
one you like, then that's okay to kind of impart
some of the payment or the whole payment. But if
you're saying to someone you have to wear this uniform
to my wedding and you hate it, but I don't care.

Speaker 3 (38:32):
I don't think that that's a very nice way for
friends to treat each other.

Speaker 4 (38:35):
I might be in a brisemeat a couple of times,
and every time I've paid for my dress and shoes,
and some of them, I've paid for my makeup and
my hair and jewelry and transport and accommodation. And it
can be really fucking expensive. And there was a time
in my life where this was genuinely a really big pressure.

Speaker 1 (38:53):
The makeup and hair is weird like that for me,
like come and behind my party, get ready with me,
but get your own hair and makeup. I think the
bride and the groom unless there's a really strong reason
you can't but should be paying for dresses, Like if
you've asked somebody to come and they should be paying
for hair and makeup. Like if you've asked someone to
be part of your day and you've put these specifications on,
you can't then lump that someone someone.

Speaker 4 (39:14):
I think my situation is the more common one, though
it is.

Speaker 2 (39:16):
Yeah, yeah, and I know that this comes from a
place of more financial privilege, Like I know that I'm
able to afford to pay for the dresses for my bridesmaids,
and I paid for them. But I guess my thing
is is if you can't afford to pay for them,
or you haven't budgeted for it within your wedding, but
yet you have really strict and stringent ideas around what
that person has to wear, that to me seems unfair.
I think if you don't have the budget to help

(39:38):
accommodate your bridesmaids in any way, you can't have the
same level of expectations on them.

Speaker 3 (39:42):
Well, don't have ten bridesmaids, Oh yeah.

Speaker 2 (39:44):
Or it's an open conversation so that you're making sure
that you're not putting your needs and wants as a
bride over the financial capabilities of your friends, because that's
just not being a good friend at the end of
the day.

Speaker 1 (39:56):
But not even over the financial capabilities over their comfort.
Like you are so uncomfortable that you are losing sleep
over this, Like you do not want to go and
stand there in front of people, and I can't imagine
what that feels like.

Speaker 2 (40:08):
I think we need to normalize having conversations around weddings
in a way that doesn't like stigmatize bridesmaids or groomsmen
as being bad friends if they're not able to bend
over backwards and cartwheel and spend the thousands of dollars
that brides and groomsmen expect. I also think that maybe
as people who are having our weddings, as the person

(40:29):
who's you know, organizing the day, I understand that there's
so much pressure, but really thinking about what are the
financial implications that your wedding is having on the people
that you love most and deciding or speaking to them,
being open with them, to make sure that your friends
are okay, because most people don't want to disappoint their
best friends.

Speaker 3 (40:47):
They want to be included.

Speaker 2 (40:49):
But not everyone can afford the things and the expectations
that are expecting of them. But I know we've gotten
into I know we've gotten into the money side of things,
but when it comes to like not just money, like
also around their comfort. How do you feel do you
do you feel good wearing that? Do you like wearing that?
There has to be a limit to it. It may
not be the dress that's their favorite dress that they've
ever bought. Being your bridesmaid's dress, but there has to
be some sort of conversation around it.

Speaker 3 (41:10):
I don't know if we would just feel differently about it.

Speaker 1 (41:12):
Well, you can also loan dresses too, Guys like you
can go to dress higher places and loan a dress
and then give it back as well. That's like food
for thought.

Speaker 4 (41:21):
Do you know what is one of the most common
questions that we have in the Life un Cut discussion group.
It's from people who are bridesmaids who are like, I
have been instructed to wear this dress. I have a
really big bust and I need something that's going to
like cover it or support my boobs or basically it's
saying that the rest of the bridal party don't.

Speaker 1 (41:40):
Have big boobs. Yeah I do.

Speaker 4 (41:42):
This dress is not it's backless or you know that
kind of thing. It gets posted at least once a week.

Speaker 2 (41:48):
That's so crazy to me. Honestly, I would love to know.
Maybe we should do a poll. Have you ever been
a bridesmaid and were you made to wear something that
you hate it? I would love to know how common
this issue is. But yeah, I think look, if I
was you, I would be having a conversation. I wouldn't
be accusatory. I wouldn't go in as hard maybe as
what you said, Britt, but I would definitely be saying
like I would.

Speaker 3 (42:09):
I feel it's not hard.

Speaker 1 (42:10):
I think you can go and say I'm really uncomfortable,
I don't want to wear this. There is nothing wrong
with saying to your friend. If you are good enough
friends to be in the bridal party, but you don't
feel like you can tell her how uncomfortable you are,
then that's not congruent. Yeah, it always.

Speaker 2 (42:23):
Surprises me that this is something that people have to navigate,
and I just think as the person who is getting
married is the bride and groom, it's something that people
should be and need to be way more sensitive about.

Speaker 1 (42:33):
I think we do and we will do like an
entire wedding kind of episode, whether that's a bonus or
something in the future, because I'm already getting so many
dms from people like this, like questions because maybe they
know I'm planning the wedding. I don't know, but I'm
I'm going through so many different wedding planning things as
well already. So I think we'll definitely like collate a
bunch of stuff and maybe we'll do just like a wedding.

Speaker 2 (42:55):
Edition one hundred percent. I mean especially now, because that's
like you were in the wedding orbit.

Speaker 3 (42:59):
Bring You're sucked in hard deep, it's happening.

Speaker 1 (43:04):
Next question, my husband and I had a disagreement and
both genuinely could not work out who was in the wrong.
So reverting to the brains trust, Oh cute, that's us.

Speaker 3 (43:14):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (43:14):
My husband works shift work so often has midweek days
off or finishes really early on week days that I'm working.
So sometimes, let's just say once a week, he likes
to go to the local pup by himself and have
a few beers until I finish work, so he's killing time.
He usually comes home a little bit tipsy on these occasions.
I feel uncomfortable about him drinking by himself and coming

(43:34):
home tipsy after doing so. I don't have any issue
with him drinking with friends or if we have a
few drinks together. It's just the by himself aspect that
I don't like now. I think this stems from growing
up with parents who had issues with alcohol. He gets
upset by this and feels like I'm trying to control
him and how he spends his free time. He doesn't
think it's unreasonable to be doing this once a week.

(43:56):
I don't have an issue with him doing any activity
by himself that doesn't involve out, so I don't feel
like I'm being controlling. Who is in the wrong? Am
I being unreasonable? We both have had multiple convos about this,
and both are not sure if each of us is
in the wrong. For context, we are in our early thirties,
we have no kids, just living at home. The two
of us otherwise have an amazing relationship.

Speaker 2 (44:18):
Genuinely, in answering this question, I feel like I'm in
two minds about it because my first thought is that
no one is actually in the wrong here, and drinking
isn't a problem until it's a problem, right, Like I mean,
it's really hard to identify when alcohol is a problem
in someone's life. However, I understand why this is very
triggering for you, especially if you came from having parents

(44:40):
who are alcoholics. I can understand why that's something that's like, very,
very very upsetting. The frequency of it going and having
a few drinks after work once a week, for some
people that's going to be a really high frequency, and
for other people they're going to think, oh, it's only
once a week, it's not a big deal. My question
to you is how much is he also drinking throughout
the week when he he is with friends? So does

(45:01):
he do one day solo by himself of an afternoon
of drinking, and then is he also drinking, you know,
most nights a week with you when you guys catch
up together, and then also with his friends. That is
when I would say, okay, look at it as a
frequency thing over time, rather than it being as an
isolated event. If the only time he drinks is when
he goes and has a few beers by himself after work,

(45:23):
that might be his way of unwinding, his way of decompressing.

Speaker 3 (45:27):
I'm sure there's healthier ways to do it that.

Speaker 2 (45:29):
If it's a once a week thing, you know, that's
not a to me like a big startling trigger. But
if he's doing that plus also all the rest of
the drinking throughout the week, and as a total actually
drinking is a pretty prolific thing that he does, then
I would say, yeah, that is part of a parcel
of a greater issue here, because it means that what
he's actually doing is constantly drinking as a way of

(45:50):
winding down.

Speaker 3 (45:51):
Whether it's with friends or by himself.

Speaker 1 (45:53):
I also don't believe that anyone is in the wrong here.
I don't think he's in the wrong by having a
few drinks on his own. And I am going to
tell you are not in the wrong because you have
feelings of being uncomfortable about that, Like, you can't be
wrong for having that feeling.

Speaker 3 (46:06):
It doesn't sound like he drinks that much outside of it,
because you've said he's amazing, there's no other problems. It's
not drinking in general. It's just this one time he
goes by himself. That you have the problem drinking alone
in this capacity. I don't believe is because you have
a drinking problem. It truly sounds like any of course
it could be.

Speaker 1 (46:24):
But she's said he doesn't really drink other like they
don't have any issue otherwise, which is what is clear. Obviously,
if there is a drinking problem outside of that, that's
a whole nother story. But that's not what she's letting
us believe. She's actually just said it's those few hours
once a week that he's waiting for me to finish work.
My understanding, my take of this is that he's literally
just feeling some time and I picture it in my

(46:46):
head like he's sitting at a bar having a beer
while he watches the footy on the screen or something
like that. Like I don't think he's going to sit
in a dark corner and skull a bottle of vodka
making assumptions here. That's the way some people unwind, and
and for some people that could lead into a drinking problem,
and for other people it's literally what it is. It's
just having a beer because you enjoy a beer. It's

(47:07):
how you unwind after work, and you might enjoy watching
the sport or whatever it is. So for me, I
think that that part isn't overly concerning, But that's because
I don't know anything else in this context. If he's
drinking outside of that and there are other issues, then
it is different. But if he's not like a sporty
guy or doesn't have hobbies, he doesn't like the gym,
if this is just his thing, this is his way

(47:28):
of unwinding, some people go for a run, right.

Speaker 2 (47:30):
I know, But that's the problem, right because I guess
the thing is when it is someone's only way of
an outlet, when things get harder, when you've got kids,
when all of those other extra pressures, and that's like
your way to unwind is to have a few drinks
on your own without the other things in place.

Speaker 1 (47:44):
It can be the thing that helps.

Speaker 2 (47:47):
To create I mean, like statistically, I've just pulled up
some starts, and this is what the health organization says
about it. While drinking alone at home is not always
a problem, it can lead to alcoholism. Drinking alone clinically
described as alcohol used to sell. You should worry about
alcoholism developing if you find yourself over indulging, choosing to
drink over social events or obligations, or drinking to deal

(48:07):
with problems.

Speaker 1 (48:08):
Obviously, Yeah, but I think about myself, I would have
a drink by myself. I live alone, Like that's not
a strange thing. And if he doesn't have a problem
and he's not coming home wasted, which is not you've
said that for me from the information I've been giving,
I think what you have done is the right thing.
Like you have expressed to him the way it makes

(48:29):
you feel, which is very valid from your history. But
I think you have to try and listen to whatever
he's saying and have an understanding and then make your decision.

Speaker 3 (48:37):
I maybe feel a little bit differently to Brit.

Speaker 2 (48:39):
I do think that it can definitely be the start
of a coping mechanism, or it can be something that
turns into something more problematic. Does it sound like it's
problematic right now? No, it doesn't sound like it's problematic
right now. But I do also think that you're looking
at this from like probably a more zoomed at lens
and a big picture. There are a lot of questions
to ask yourself. One is how much much is he

(49:00):
drinking during the week. That's a really really important question.
Why is it that he enjoys to go and drink
by himself? How much is he drinking by himself? Without
the answers to those questions, it's really hard to know
whether or not this is something that actually is a problem.

Speaker 1 (49:16):
And I eat a drinking problem also, not that this matters,
but I'm just curious. And maybe this is the reason
I think it is normal because I grew up with
a lot of my friends, a lot of family members
in the construction industry, like tradesman, and it's so normal
for a trade to knock off and have a beer
after work like that is and I'm not My dad
was never one of those. He never ever went to

(49:36):
the pub. He doesn't even really drink much. But I
just see it very differently. I think that lots of
people drink, and somebody enjoying a drink on their own
after work while they're waiting for you, when you've said
it's an amazing relationship, there is nothing else wrong with it.
Your only issue here is because you had an issue
with your parents. That's where I think this issue is
and why I don't think this is being over the top.

Speaker 2 (49:58):
Yeah, but I do think that that is an issue
in that. I think if I said to Matt, for example,
if my parents are alcoholics, and I said to Matt,
this behavior is something that is triggering for me and
it worries me, and they said it's fine, there's nothing
wrong here, I would feel as though they weren't listening
to the reasons as to why something was upsetting to me.

Speaker 1 (50:18):
Oh see, I disagree.

Speaker 2 (50:19):
And I think if he's coming home and his behavior
is affected, like how much does it require him to
drink to come home quote unquote tipsy, And then when
he gets home tipsy, does he continue to drink or
does he stop there?

Speaker 1 (50:30):
And then you guys go on to have a lovely night.

Speaker 2 (50:32):
There are more questions here that need to be asked
as to how much it's affecting your relationship. But I
don't want to disqualify the fat that you find being
around drinking or solo drinking or whatever it is triggering
because of your upbringing. I would too if I was
in that situation, and it would make me far more
hyper alert and hyper aware to the behaviors of my

(50:52):
partner that might indicate alcoholism.

Speaker 1 (50:54):
Well, that is it from us, guys. If you have questions,
please send him in to Life on Cut podcast just
the DMS. Funnily enough, I feel like we've said that
on every single episode for like three hundred and fifty
episodes of Ask Guncut, But I received them all the
time to our website email address where people are like, Hi,
I didn't know where to write this in and I
was like, that's.

Speaker 3 (51:12):
Okay, you can send it to our website.

Speaker 1 (51:14):
You can, No, you can, But I thought we were
always hammering home the message. But maybe people check out
before we sign off. Don't check out, guys, don't wait
right to be and you need to hear the call
cry of Life on Cut.

Speaker 3 (51:24):
You can send them into the website or email if
you like.

Speaker 1 (51:27):
I understand some of the people might want to be anonymous,
like not even show their profile and that's why they email,
which is also totally fine.

Speaker 3 (51:33):
And also your accenting unfiltered, its everything else that comes
along with it.

Speaker 1 (51:35):
Don't forget. We have a YouTube now so you can
go and watch all of our big Meata episodes in
our interviews and then we put some ask guncut questions
up as well, and it's a lot of fun.

Speaker 3 (51:46):
And that is it from USK.

Speaker 2 (51:47):
Guys.

Speaker 1 (51:48):
Tell your mum, tay, dad, te dog tee, friends and
share the love because we alam's testy pops. I just
you'wn like I apt pink