Ask Uncut - My Husband Cheated, Brought Home An STI & Wants Forgiveness

Hey Lifers!

Welcome back to ask uncut where we unpack your biggest (and sometimes smallest) life dilemmas!
Do you have a nickname that only some people can call you? Is it weird if someone you’re close with all of a sudden tries on a new nickname?
Britt has had a sleepover at Keeshia’s house and every sleep related recommendation she’s ever had has been completely validated.

Vibes for the week:
Laura - Back to Bilo Australian Story  

Keeshia -Steel Blue Cap Boots 

Britt - Amy Bradley Is Missing on Netflix 

Then we jump into your questions
MY BF APPLIED AND GOT A JOB WITHOUT MY KNOWLEDGE - WHAT TO DO?
My partner is currently out of town and called me saying that he got this new amazing job, in a different city. It’s a 2 year contract. The application process took a few months and he did it all without telling me. He even flew to the city for an interview, telling me at the time it was a work trip. He expects me to come with him and thought I would be excited because the job is in my hometown and my parents and some friends still live there. However, I am not excited as I love my life in our current city. He promises that it’s only for 2 years and then we will move back. He told me he didn’t tell me not to “jinx” the process. Help. How do I navigate this upon his return? He is otherwise such a great guy but I am really hurt. He went behind my back and made this decision for us.

MY HUSBAND CHEATED, BROUGHT HOME AND STI AND WANTS FORGIVENESS
I have been with my partner for 5 years &  we have a 1 year old. He is everything to me, I have never been happier in my life! I’m 38 years old but my partner just BLEW THINGS UP. He has told me that he has gonorrhoea and that I need to be tested. He went straight to asking forgiveness for what he was about to tell me. He said that I am his penguin but he is not fully satisfied in bed because he likes hard-core anal done to him and he never felt like he could ask me to do that as I have never expressed any of my tendencies. He paid to receive hard core anal multiple times during our relationship. He loves me and our family and assures me he is not homosexual and never wanted to hurt me. I am an open minded person, and  think I could have "understood" his sexual tendencies and possibly would have even tried to pleasure him with toys and pegging had I known. I don't want to judge him for his sexual tendencies but I do not accept that he went to see someone and has put my health at risk! I am devastated and feel like I don't know if I could get over the fact that he had sex with someone else, let alone with a man. I love him dearly and feel completely lost! How can I get over this?? Can I forgive him ever? Will I ever want to pleasure him the way he likes? A middle ground would be great but I am not sure what middle ground is... HELP

THINK MY SISTER’S HUSBAND HIT ON ME
A few weeks ago I went to see a band. My sister was supposed to come but couldn’t, so her husband used the ticket instead. From the start, it felt like a “date”. He bought me a drink and was touching me on the back and shoulder throughout the night. When we got in the uber home he opened the door for me and was touching my knee/rubbing my thigh on the drive home. I froze and did nothing. It felt like he was ‘making the moves’. My sister and I are very close and they’ve been married for ages (decades). My sister has told me things have been rocky lately but from what I know their marriage is solid. Since then I’ve been avoiding them, but I can’t do that forever. I don’t want to carry this secret but I also don’t want to be responsible for ending their marriage. Do I confront him? Tell her? Also, I wonder if I’m making a big deal out of nothing since it wasn’t sexual touching but I obviously felt very uncomfortable. Help.

I DON'T WANT HUSBAND TO TELL HIS MUM WHEN I GO INTO LABOUR
Am I being unreasonable that I don’t want my husband to tell his mother when I’m going into labour? For context I really don't like her. She has proven herself to be untrustworthy in many scenarios. (E.g. begged to see my wedding dress and then proceeded to show people in her family before we got married amongst other things) and she also lies. I find her to be a dishonest and very annoying person so I don’t see why I need to disclose this information when she can just wait for us to tell her when the baby is here. She also messages my husband every day and

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
This episode was recorded on Cameragle Land.

Speaker 2 (00:07):
Hello everybody, I'm here and La la la la la
la la la.

Speaker 1 (00:12):
Hi guys, and.

Speaker 2 (00:12):
Welcome back to another episode. My name's Laura hell YadA Hellaria.

Speaker 1 (00:22):
What did you call me?

Speaker 2 (00:23):
The English word for what did you call me earlier today?

Speaker 1 (00:28):
And then you freaked out?

Speaker 2 (00:29):
It sounds so weird coming out of you. Did you
call me lass or lossy or something?

Speaker 1 (00:33):
Lawsy? Lawsy?

Speaker 2 (00:34):
Yeah, I'm not a lawsy. I mean, I'll take it.
But you said it and then you instantly like it
was like just like you vomited.

Speaker 1 (00:40):
In your own mouth. Hey Lawsy.

Speaker 3 (00:42):
I said, hey, Lawsy, and then I was like, what
just happened? You looked at me and I looked at you,
and it was I felt uncomfortable, Like I felt like
I did something without your consent.

Speaker 2 (00:49):
It's like when a coworker that you don't like they
hug you, and you're like, oh, we're not on hugging.

Speaker 1 (00:53):
No, don't do that because you're not a I'm not
a lawsy, you're not you can hug me. I'd rather
you hug me. Thanks.

Speaker 4 (00:59):
Earlier, I think I call you laws more than I
call you anything else.

Speaker 1 (01:03):
But you're fine because you've always done it. It's different.

Speaker 2 (01:09):
Because you've always liked since day dot when you started.
Like obviously we became friends really quickly, but like when
you started, you started in a work capacity and you
call me laws and I'm not going.

Speaker 1 (01:18):
To be like, excuse me, it's Laura, but you feel
like more so than a friend capacity.

Speaker 3 (01:22):
If you're a boss, you can say I don't like that, man.
But it's like, so I have a friend that calls
me britty always sometimes can I hate it when you
call me BRITTI it's like, if you're britty is the
equivalent of law z.

Speaker 1 (01:37):
I know, I get britty, and what about when I
do it less?

Speaker 3 (01:41):
So?

Speaker 4 (01:44):
And then when my friend's validating conversation I've ever had,
When my friend Kim does it, she's the only one
that can like properly get away with it because she's
I've been britty to her from day one.

Speaker 1 (01:55):
So it works.

Speaker 4 (01:56):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (01:56):
Do you know why?

Speaker 2 (01:57):
It's because when we started being friends, we weren't nicknamed people.

Speaker 3 (01:59):
We didn't call each other lawsy and britty we called
we didn't call each other our name, We just said hey, han.

Speaker 4 (02:04):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (02:04):
So now six years later to try and bring in
a nickname of Lawsy.

Speaker 3 (02:08):
It was weah the day Ben called me Britt.

Speaker 1 (02:10):
And I was like, will what does he normally call you? Babe?

Speaker 4 (02:14):
Love?

Speaker 1 (02:15):
He doesn't. We don't use each other's names.

Speaker 3 (02:16):
That's what I realized.

Speaker 1 (02:17):
I was like, we aren't name people.

Speaker 3 (02:19):
If I go hey, Ben, he's like what, Like, like, hey, babe,
we're the same.

Speaker 1 (02:23):
Matt and I rarely call each other by name, but
every you're like, hey.

Speaker 3 (02:25):
Daddy, daddy.

Speaker 1 (02:30):
I literally do call him daddy.

Speaker 2 (02:31):
No, but a few times where he does call me Laura,
or every so often if he's like working and I've
called him and he's with people, he'd be like, hey mate,
and it fucking wigs me.

Speaker 1 (02:39):
Out, mate? Is nos? Not okay?

Speaker 2 (02:42):
Anyway, Look, guys, you're here for asking cut. You're not
here for the name chat. But maybe what they're.

Speaker 1 (02:49):
Here for for whatever we serve it up.

Speaker 4 (02:52):
To be fair, I didn't realize that we'd actually started
until about three minutes into this, and I was like,
oh wait, this isn't pre podcast chat keeping.

Speaker 1 (02:59):
Sorry, she got to edit it anyway.

Speaker 3 (03:01):
To be fair, the start part where I was yelling laa,
I didn't think we were recording, but Laura.

Speaker 1 (03:07):
Continued with the episode. So I just lent in.

Speaker 4 (03:09):
Yeah, I'd like to apologize anyone I offended with my
fake hilaria bull.

Speaker 1 (03:15):
I also thought that was going to be cut before.

Speaker 3 (03:17):
We get into the questions. I do want to validate Preacher.
I mean, I want to validate you for a lot
of things. Not that I invalidate you, but I feel
validated today. I'm allowed to tell you, Britty, I'm allowed
to call you laws were in a safe space, No,
but produce kes. She has been talking about sleep forever
for as long as.

Speaker 1 (03:31):
We have known Keyshit.

Speaker 2 (03:33):
It's one of your main hobbies in life. And I
love that aspiration for you, like I sleep no, because
I would love it to bet my hobby.

Speaker 3 (03:39):
Honestly, such an interesting person.

Speaker 1 (03:42):
Hey, you guys know this vibes and unsubscribes.

Speaker 2 (03:44):
I would say at least a good thirty percent of
the vibes that keys brooms are sleep related, all things
that would pertain to better sleeping hygiene.

Speaker 1 (03:52):
And you did say earlier in the year.

Speaker 2 (03:53):
I think it was like in January you said, my
goal for this year is to have better sleep.

Speaker 1 (03:57):
Is to sleep.

Speaker 4 (03:58):
Yeah, sleep has been a weird thing, Like I know,
I'm so obsessed with it. But for someone who's as
obsessed with it as I am, you would think I
would get more of it.

Speaker 3 (04:05):
But I'm passionate about it.

Speaker 4 (04:06):
Yeah, I struggle with a lot, and so I have
done a lot to try and rectify that and get
good sleep.

Speaker 1 (04:11):
Well, I get it.

Speaker 3 (04:13):
I also liked sleep, but I didn't realize that I
could love sleep more until I recently slept.

Speaker 1 (04:19):
Over at Keisha's house. So I had an adult sleepover.

Speaker 2 (04:22):
Okay, I'm just imagining all of the vibes that Kisha's
wheeled out for the past six months. She's like lavender,
spray headed oil, like it all just next to the
bed glory.

Speaker 3 (04:33):
You're joking, but like there's a list.

Speaker 1 (04:35):
No, I just like I walked into a hotel room.

Speaker 3 (04:36):
So I had to sleep over at Keisha's house Delilah
and I like, you know, we're just these single ladies
that we were like, let's meet up and have some
carbonara and hang out. So I went over, slept the
night and it was bedtime, and I could tell Keisha
the whole night was what.

Speaker 1 (04:48):
She's like, You're ready for bed yet I was like yeah,
she was just trying to put me to bed.

Speaker 3 (04:50):
She's like wanted me to experience her hotel esque vibe.

Speaker 1 (04:54):
It's because you also started to eleven thirty and Keisha
would never No, Keisha does. She scrolled gym scrolls till
early hours.

Speaker 4 (05:00):
If I have no one there to tell me to
go to bed, I do get a bit stuck in
the doom scroll. But we were having dinner and there
was just a part of me that I was like,
I wonder what this is going to be like for her,
because I've had people sleep over before and everyone comments
on it. Everyone says like, oh my gosh, your bedroom
is just so nice, so comfortable, it's so lovely, and
so the whole time I was like, I am so
ready to see what BRIT's experience is, and I wonder

(05:21):
if she'll tell me, Like.

Speaker 3 (05:22):
I wonder if it'll just be brushed off as no
big deal. Oh no, I couldn't even wait to review it.
It was five stars. So I went into the room.
Kisha followed me. I was like, why is she followed me?
She literally followed me into the doorway, and I was like, Oh,
She's actually gonna watch me into bed.

Speaker 1 (05:35):
So it was this moment where I was like okay,
well in aget, I'm in bed now.

Speaker 3 (05:39):
I loked it to the bed. She sat on the
end and she was like looking at me, like waiting
for me. Anyway, I got into this bed. I've never
experienced anything like it, not at any hotel I have
ever been to, the most comfortable experience of my life,
the best, the pillow, the materials. There was a triple
layer of bedding to be like squishy and soft.

Speaker 1 (05:59):
Waiting for you to wheel out. This is a sponsor
by m A Mattress. It's sponsored.

Speaker 3 (06:04):
I paid good money for that, but it was I
just want to validate you and say.

Speaker 1 (06:07):
I get it.

Speaker 3 (06:08):
I saw the glee flush over your body.

Speaker 4 (06:10):
I actually saw you experience the pleasure as you like
slipped in to the comfortable bedding. And I also turned
on the electric blanket like an hour before you got in,
because she just wan you to really experience it to
its full pleasure.

Speaker 3 (06:22):
What I do want to say is I'm gonna double
down on the validation.

Speaker 1 (06:25):
I haven't told you this yet. I will put my
hand up and say I laughed. I will say I
mocked you. Even possibly there was a.

Speaker 4 (06:32):
Time where I was banned from making sleep lives no, no, no,
behind your back.

Speaker 1 (06:37):
You don't know about it.

Speaker 3 (06:37):
No, I mocked you on the podcast. I thought it
was hilarious. This is my double validation. The little sensor lights.

Speaker 1 (06:45):
That you put remember.

Speaker 3 (06:48):
The sensor lights that Kisha bought that we all we laughed,
we laughed, we laugh. They are these title little things
that line the hallway in the bathroom. I got up
for that midnight we and I did not regret that
sense light.

Speaker 1 (06:59):
I actually looked down and thought, what a good idea.

Speaker 2 (07:02):
Sorry, can we please just like cast our minds back
to when Keisha brought the vibe of the sense a lot.

Speaker 1 (07:07):
I'm pretty sure from memory, and I might be wrong.

Speaker 2 (07:09):
It might have been me who said it. We both did,
but brit said it's for old people.

Speaker 4 (07:15):
Is the crested motion sensor led night lights set in
warm white tupac.

Speaker 3 (07:20):
For twenty five dollars. I just turn the light on.

Speaker 4 (07:24):
I can't seem to not need to go to the
toilet in the middle of the night. And you don't
want to turn the lights on because then it.

Speaker 3 (07:30):
Gets you out of that sleep sleep phase too much.
But I started running into things.

Speaker 2 (07:36):
This is the best and I'm all for it, but
it's also like could be great for your kids or
if you're a little old lady.

Speaker 3 (07:43):
But I'm a big enough person. I'm humbled to say
that well done, well played. I have ordered some sense
of lights.

Speaker 4 (07:51):
This has brought me an incredible amount of joe for me. Laura,
When are you coming for a sleepover?

Speaker 1 (07:54):
Anytime? Do you want me? Pre birth or post birth?
Are you bringing the baby?

Speaker 2 (08:00):
Unfortunately, I think that it's going to be attached to
me for a while. All Right, guys, let's get into
vibes on subscribes before we start to answering your questions.
I'm actually really excited to share this with you, and
I really do hope that you guys go and watch
it because I genuinely sobbed. I deeply sobbed watching this
for multiple reasons. One because I was so horrified by

(08:20):
what our government did to this family, and also I
was so just completely fucking filled with.

Speaker 1 (08:26):
Joy that they were able to stay.

Speaker 2 (08:28):
Now what I'm talking about is, you know the TV
show called The Australian Story.

Speaker 1 (08:31):
It's on ABC iView.

Speaker 2 (08:33):
It's called To Bilow and Back and it's the Billa
Wheeler family.

Speaker 1 (08:36):
You guys might remember quite a few years ago.

Speaker 2 (08:39):
Now Priya and Nads they were the Tamil couple who
they had their two daughters in Australia.

Speaker 1 (08:44):
Their daughters were born in Australia.

Speaker 2 (08:46):
They were Tamil refugees who moved to Billa Wheeler, who
worked in like a small regional town, did all the
things that you would hope for a family who's immigrated here,
a couple who have immigrated here to do and.

Speaker 3 (08:57):
Then worked hard, just fucking worked hard, and.

Speaker 2 (09:00):
Also had two Australian born daughters who had never been
to Sri Lanka. And this all played out during Scromo's
government and also when Peter Dutton was in charge of
Home Affairs and also Minister for Immigration. Now, the reason
why this was just like so harrowing is this family
were taken their application to be refugees and to stay
in Australia and immigrate to Australia permanently was denied.

Speaker 1 (09:22):
You guys might remember this.

Speaker 2 (09:23):
They were arrested and they bought it a plane and
it was all went very viral because the Billahila community
put up such a protest to try and get them
to stay in Australia. But what ended up happening is
that the kids and the family were taken to Christmas
Island and.

Speaker 1 (09:37):
Kept there four years.

Speaker 2 (09:39):
There's all this documentation around the children being malnourished because
they didn't have access to fruit and vegetables and things
that are just absolute basic human rights.

Speaker 1 (09:46):
Like Matt and I.

Speaker 2 (09:47):
Were both sitting on the couch bawling our eyes out
of this story and also at the incredible reaction from
the community. And it was only when the oldest daughter
ended up getting pneumonia and she was so critically sick
that she had to be flown out of Christmas Island
over to a hospital in Perth that then it became
mainstream media again. They were granted the right to be
able to stay here in Australia and it's just truly

(10:09):
a beautiful, full circle story, just such mishandling completely but
also like this is how people are treated within Australia
and you would never know that unless it reaches this
type of mainstream media. And the fact that these two
little girls were Australian born, had never been to Sri Lanka.
There's just so much more to this and I reckon
at the time we were all relatively across it because

(10:31):
we did even speak about it on an episode quite
a while ago. But there was so much in this
that I had no idea about. It really filled me
with this moment where I was like, I'm so proud
of the Australians who got behind this family. And also
it's an update on where they are now, so they
you know, how they're contributing to the Billowel community and
how the girls are thriving in school. Like it's a
really beautiful story. It's honestly like, please go and watch it.

(10:54):
You will cry as much as I did. It's the
Australian story ABC iView and it's to be low and back.

Speaker 3 (11:00):
I'm really tying to watch that.

Speaker 1 (11:01):
It's beautiful. There's this very dark.

Speaker 4 (11:03):
Theme amongst so much of our laws and the way
that you know, things are governed about the value of
human life based off of where you're born. My vibe
feels my vibe feels so like, oh no, it feels
very frivolous.

Speaker 1 (11:14):
In comparison, I think everything will feel curvou.

Speaker 2 (11:17):
We don't need everyone to cry. I message you guys
and I was like.

Speaker 3 (11:20):
Oh god, stop crying.

Speaker 1 (11:22):
So I think one tier for the week is good enough.

Speaker 4 (11:24):
Well, my vibe this week is actually a set of boots,
and they're steel Cat boots. So I can't remember if
we ever spoke about this on the podcast.

Speaker 3 (11:32):
We did. Then we went to the edge one.

Speaker 4 (11:35):
I ended up losing my big toenail and it is
still only like half grown back.

Speaker 3 (11:39):
It's been a whole drama and a whole debarcle.

Speaker 4 (11:42):
And I realized that I am, in fact a very
clumsy person, and I needed to kind of prep myself
for what might happen if I don't protect my feet,
I might lose more toenails. So I ended up purchasing
myself a pair of steel Cat boots. Guys, these are
the most comfortable shoes I have ever worn in my life.

Speaker 1 (12:01):
Wear them to a recording and let I I've done.
Let really tell you what she thinks them.

Speaker 3 (12:06):
No, I've already got a pair. I've got a pair
from when I was in the jungle.

Speaker 1 (12:10):
I love them.

Speaker 3 (12:11):
They're so squishy.

Speaker 4 (12:12):
I don't know if all men's boots are made like this,
but if they are, I must know now. These ones
are like a lady's equivalent. I got them from this
website called work wear Hub. These are the ladies Hobart
Elastic sided boot in sand.

Speaker 1 (12:26):
Very niche today.

Speaker 4 (12:27):
Well, look, I have been wearing them so much. I've
even been wearing them on my walks with Delilah.

Speaker 1 (12:32):
Imagine being that clumsy. You can't trust me. It's not
really protected.

Speaker 3 (12:34):
But also it's because they're so squishy and they're so comfortable.
It's the best one hundred and sixty bucks I have
literally ever spent. And one of them is a lot
dirtier than the other because it's the one I.

Speaker 1 (12:44):
Used to kick the ball to Delilah.

Speaker 3 (12:46):
So they have become my everyday shoe. If I'm not
at work, I'm wearing these boots.

Speaker 1 (12:50):
They're the best.

Speaker 4 (12:52):
I don't You can't mark my recommendations anymore, because in
two weeks time, I'm gonna be saying that the best
thing you've ever heard.

Speaker 1 (12:57):
I think great reco Okay vibes are unsubscribed. Myns Netflix
doc o.

Speaker 3 (13:06):
You guys have probably seen it or you've listened to
a podcast on it, but it is the Amy Bradley
Is Missing. It's a true crime documentary about Amy Bradley,
who went missing back in nineteen ninety three from a
Caribbean cruise that she was on with her family.

Speaker 1 (13:21):
Oh I've heard about it.

Speaker 2 (13:22):
It's on Netflix. It's three episodes. Sorry to hijack your vibe.
Who was talking about No, because the Amy Bradley thing.
I spent my entire night with Matt on sleuthing sites
trying to find her.

Speaker 1 (13:34):
I went so deep.

Speaker 3 (13:35):
Well, it's because she's missing, but no one knows what happened.
It is the most unusual. I don't want to say phenomenon,
it's not the right thing, but think of how big
a cruise ship is. They are ginormous. Nobody knows where
she is or what happened. No one knows if she
was taken, if she fell overboard, if she jumped overboard,
if she was smuggled into a sex trade.

Speaker 1 (13:56):
And there are so many conspiracy theories. They have all this.

Speaker 3 (13:59):
Footage on camera, and the FBI came on and they
tried to follow her footsteps through the night and track
her down. And she was washing on the cruise by herself,
with her family, like her brother and her parents. They're
all in the same cabin. She comes into the cabin
and goes onto the balcony like three in the morning
and then gone. And it follows these different conspiracy theories
because there are a few people that have come out

(14:20):
saying that they swear they have seen her after on
this Caribbean kind of island, and that she has been
sold into maybe a sex trade. She's always being followed
by men that are controlling her. There are multiple people
that swear they have seen her.

Speaker 2 (14:34):
It's really quite alarming, and there's a lot of theories
and so, like they think that maybe she's being held
captive in Barbados.

Speaker 3 (14:43):
But then there are people an FBI that are also saying, like,
we actually don't think she ever left the boat. We
think she's fallen overboard or done something. So it's like
and the poor family have spent their whole life looking
for her, and the documentary sort of follows it.

Speaker 1 (14:56):
It goes back and shows the footage.

Speaker 3 (14:57):
It shows the different key witnesses, but it also speaks
to her family and it speaks to her ex girlfriend.
Even that was really strange, Like there were so many
things with the ex girlfriend not and she's not a suspect.
I mean like after she'd passed away, she'd received letters
from her that she had sent before she'd passed, before
she disappeared, and like it was just an incredible watch

(15:19):
and so whilst they don't know what has happened, it
does raise the question and really make you think about
human trafficking and the fact that it is so prevalent
and it's so easy for us to sit here and
it doesn't cross your mind. And we've spoken about that
kind of thing on the podcast before. We actually want
to speak more about it. But it makes you think,
oh my god, like you think that you're safe in
a place like that on a cruise ship with your

(15:41):
family and then puff gone.

Speaker 2 (15:43):
Yeah, And I guess like the other part of this,
which I found really really devastating, and if you guys
haven't seen it, it's such an easy watch, Like we
watched the whole thing in one evening, is around the
jurisdiction of like FBI or like localized police. Is it international, yes,
So that's the complications. It's international waters obviously, then the
investigation has to happen in Barbados or in these Caribbean islands,

(16:06):
but the investigation is happening from the US, and they
don't have jurisdiction to just go over there and do
a manhunt, you know. So it's really kind of like
the perfect crime. And so even though there are these sightings.
It makes you question, like, as a parent, what would
you do? Would you just give up your life move
to an island to get your husband to go to
every single bloody brothel until they found your daughter?

Speaker 1 (16:24):
Like what would you do?

Speaker 2 (16:26):
And they were the big questions that Matt and I
were having afterwards. And then we're in some family group
chats with like other parents and we were all asking
the same questions.

Speaker 1 (16:34):
Wild.

Speaker 3 (16:34):
Yeah, so that's Netflix. It's three episodes. I watched it
in one night because I couldn't turn it off and
I needed to see it through.

Speaker 1 (16:41):
So yeah, I can't recommend that enough.

Speaker 3 (16:43):
That sounds unreal.

Speaker 2 (16:45):
All right, question town, All right, question number AM. My
boyfriend applied and he got a job without my knowledge.

Speaker 1 (16:53):
What do I do?

Speaker 2 (16:54):
So my partner is currently out of town and he
called me saying that he got a new, amazing job
in a different city. It's a two year contract. The
application process took a few months, and he did it
all without telling me. He even flew to the city
for an interview, telling me at the time that it
was just a work trip. He expects me to come

(17:14):
with him and thought I would be excited because this
job is in my hometown and my parents and some
friends to live there. However, I am not excited at all.
I love my life in our current city. He promises
that it's only two years and then we're just going
to move back. He told me he didn't want to
tell me as to not jinx the process.

Speaker 1 (17:31):
Oh fuck off? Sorry or whatever? Mate? How do I
navigate this upon his return?

Speaker 2 (17:37):
He is otherwise such a great guy, but I'm like,
really really hurt that he went behind my back and
he made this decision for us.

Speaker 1 (17:44):
One hundred percent. I'm sorry.

Speaker 3 (17:46):
You are living together, You are a couple. Your partner
doesn't make life altering decisions without consulting you.

Speaker 1 (17:53):
It's not just a decision for him.

Speaker 3 (17:54):
It's one thing, not that it's okay, but it's one
thing for him to say, hey, I got this dream job.

Speaker 1 (17:59):
Are we going to navigate long distance? What we're going
to do.

Speaker 3 (18:01):
It's another to come to you and say we are
moving for two years.

Speaker 1 (18:05):
Sorry. That is like a blanket no for me.

Speaker 2 (18:08):
It's also even if he came to you instead, I'm
moving for two weeks, two years, or two years. The
fact that he went through the process flew like even
if you just are going for a job interviews, you
discuss that with your partner, like it's the lack of
inclusion and it's the lack of feeling as though you're
a team that I think is the most devastating part
of this is so.

Speaker 3 (18:28):
Why because it's a premeditated like that is a conscious
choice to because it's not that he just omitted.

Speaker 1 (18:34):
It from you. He lied, like when he was going
into state or to this other city for the interview,
he made up a story.

Speaker 3 (18:40):
So it's consciously said, I'm going to do everything I
can to not let her know.

Speaker 2 (18:44):
I'll tell you why I think he's done it. I
think he's done it because he's like, I don't want
to tell you if there's nothing to tell you. And
this is kind of a weirdly linked to a conversation
we had last ask Guncut brit where we were talking
about the woman who had been asked not to get
pregnant at the wedding. So the wedding and at the
time when we were discussing obviously very different circumstances.

Speaker 1 (19:04):
Not your life partner, so very different rules apply.

Speaker 2 (19:07):
But you remember you sort of said that your feelings
around this was like, why bring up something if there's
a potential that it's never gonna happen. It's going to
cause drama, right, So like that's okay in a friend environment,
you can't do that shit. In a relationship, you can't
be like, you know what, I didn't want to tell
you because it was a high chance it wasn't going
to happen, So like, why have those dramatic conversations if

(19:27):
it was not a possibility.

Speaker 1 (19:30):
I got hurt by Matt.

Speaker 2 (19:32):
When Matt wanted to do I'm a celebrity, So you
guys might remember, I don't know if I went into
details about this. I really was quite anti that I'm
a celebrity decision. And it wasn't because I didn't want
him to do it. It wasn't because I was like.

Speaker 1 (19:46):
Oh my good, it's give me be so harm for
six weeks in my own.

Speaker 2 (19:49):
That wasn't the reason. It was because he went through
the interview process and he had made decisions and he
told me after it was like at the pointy end
and the offer had already been made. And like, I
know how reality TV works. I know that there's interviews
with executives. I know that all it's a process, and yes,
sometimes that process moves quickly, no doubt. Sometimes it's two
weeks and it's done, and sometimes it's two days and

(20:11):
it's done. There's still a process. We talk every night,
and to just not mention that you've had prep interviews
around doing a reality show that deeply affects our entire life.
It wasn't about it affecting our life. It was about
not being brought along with the process but not a team.
If you make decisions and then you tell me the
decisions you've made, well the problem that's the problem here.

Speaker 3 (20:31):
Yeah, the problem with this is it actually frustrates me
for you. But the problem with this is it's gotten
to a point now and I'm not convinced he's done it, Laura,
just because he's like, I don't want to jinx it. Oh,
there's nothing to tell. I think he's done it because
he probably knows you don't want to move. Now it's
at a point where you're the bad guy if you
don't want to move.

Speaker 1 (20:50):
He's got his dream job.

Speaker 3 (20:51):
He wants to go and do that, and if you're
not happy to move, well, then like that's on you
kind of thing. And I don't think that is fair
because there's a big chance that you don't want to
go back there, which you've said you don't know if
you want to go back there, And then what are
the options? You either go when you're unhappy, you don't
go and your long distance.

Speaker 1 (21:08):
Or you break up. Like I don't know what the
other three options are.

Speaker 2 (21:10):
I don't know if it's that pointed though, because I
do because if that was his motive, that would mean
that he doesn't want to be with you anymore. But
he's saying like I want to take this job and
I want you to come with me.

Speaker 3 (21:19):
No, I don't think he wants to break up with her.
I just think he knows she probably didn't want to
go back to her hometown, so he.

Speaker 1 (21:24):
Went through with it anyway, Like this is the option.
This is what's happening.

Speaker 3 (21:27):
Because if you sit down and talk as a couple
realistically and you're like, hey, I really want to go
to this job. It's going back to your hometown, what
do you think and your partner's like, I would be
so unhappy there, I don't want to go backwards. Then
you're not going to apply for the job, right, But
he's taken that away. It's here these job applications are
like you need to accept and offer pretty quickly usually
so there's a time crunch. Now there's a pressure. I
feel really sorry for you. I don't know how you're

(21:49):
going to resolve it. Because you can do long distance,
for sure. That's a whole nother kettle of fish. But like,
what's your job, what's your dreams, what's your situation? Is
that going to take you back in your career? I
don't know what relationships.

Speaker 1 (22:00):
Like with your family? Yeah?

Speaker 2 (22:02):
Like, and the reality is it wasn't like at the
pointing end, he accepted this job. He called you to
say I have a new job, and this is what
we're doing. I think just to validate you, as we
validated Keisha already today. You have every right to feel
as upset as you feel. And even if it actually
was a move that you were excited about and you
were like, yeah, fuck cool, let's move back, you actually

(22:23):
still have a right to be feeling upset about it.
Like obviously it's tenfold because you don't want to move,
But it's the making decisions without including you when you're
a couple and you've been together for several years, like
your life is heading in a direction and you constantly
need to be checking in to make sure that the
decisions that you're making for yourself are also decisions that
are inclusive or don't impact your partner in a way

(22:45):
that is insensitive or unkind. And that's not to say
you can't do things separately, but you do have a
responsibility to communicate that with your partner. And he hasn't
done this, and he hasn't afforded you. He has made
decisions for his life and for your life and not
brought you in on this.

Speaker 3 (23:01):
And it's just not how relationships work. Is that what
you want to do? Is that how you want to
communicate with your partner in the future. Like, whatever you
decide to do, you know you love him, he's great.
You probably will end up going I'm gonna assume I'd
love you to tell us what you do, but like
it needs to be made very clear to him how
uncool this was, and that moving forward, you don't fucking
make decisions on your own that are life altering without

(23:23):
bringing your partner into it.

Speaker 1 (23:24):
Question number two, We have never had anything like this before.
This is a bit of a doozy. Don't even actually
know how we answer this. I don't know either, but
it's worth it.

Speaker 3 (23:33):
I'd been with my partner for five years and we
have a one year old. He's everything to me. I
have never been happier in my life. I'm thirty eight
years old and my partner just absolutely blew things up.
He told me he's got gone.

Speaker 1 (23:44):
A rear and that I need to go and be tested.

Speaker 3 (23:47):
Now, he went straight to the point of asking for
forgiveness about what he was about to tell me. Let
me tell you, I was absolutely not ready. He said
that I am his penguin, but he's just not fully
satisfied in the bedroom because he likes hard core anal
done to him and that he never felt like he
could ask me to do it because I have never expressed.

Speaker 1 (24:05):
Any of those tendencies.

Speaker 3 (24:07):
So he went and paid to receive hardcore anal multiple
times during our relationship.

Speaker 1 (24:13):
And she yeah. She goes on to say, like just
to get you guys up to speech. She goes on
to say that, like, this wasn't a one off, it
was multiple times.

Speaker 3 (24:19):
He loves me and our family and assures me he
is not homosexual and never wanted to hurt me.

Speaker 1 (24:24):
Now, I am a really open minded person and I.

Speaker 3 (24:26):
Think that I could have understood these sexual tendencies and
possibly would have even tried to pleasure him with toys
and pegging, etc.

Speaker 1 (24:32):
If I had have known.

Speaker 3 (24:34):
I don't want to judge him for his sexual tendencies,
but I do not accept that he went to see
somebody and put my health at risk. I am devastated,
and I feel like it's one thing to get over
the fact that he cheated, but it is another thing
to get over the fact.

Speaker 1 (24:47):
That he cheated with a man.

Speaker 3 (24:49):
I love him dearly and feel completely lost. How do
I get over this? Can I ever forgive him? And
if I do, am I ever going to want to
pleasure him the way that he likes? A middle ground
would be great, but I'm not sure what the hell
the middle ground even is.

Speaker 1 (25:04):
This is like, wow, it's a lot, wow, wow wow.
I know. Okay, start at the top.

Speaker 2 (25:10):
Firstly, you cannot ask someone for forgiveness before you tell
them what it is that you have done.

Speaker 1 (25:16):
I mean, you can, but it doesn't.

Speaker 2 (25:18):
And I know that that's where he went to. I
know that he's obviously upset to tell you this. I
agree all of those things he had to tell you
because he's been diagnosed with GONOIEA. How long would this
have gone on for? And the only reason why he's
telling you is because you would have found out because
there is a very good chance that you also have

(25:38):
gone area from your husband. You've been together for five years,
you have a one year old. There is no part
of me that wants to minimize like anything that you
have experienced in your relationship prior, but there's also a
big part of me that goes. People can be really
good at masking parts of themselves for a really long time.
And I feel like this situation where you say he

(26:01):
has done this often like this is not It wasn't
like he accidentally cheated on me at a nightclub, got
super drunk and went home with someone. This is something
that he has been habitually doing and getting away with
and lying to you about the damage that it does
to your relationship. Regardless of how much you love him
and how amazing your life was beforehand, your life will

(26:21):
never be the same relationship with him again. You're never
going to get back to where it was three years ago,
four years ago, because now that you have this information,
the only way that you're going to get over it,
if you choose to, is by rebuilding a new relationship.
Do I think many people can get over this type
of infidelity.

Speaker 1 (26:39):
I don't know.

Speaker 2 (26:40):
I don't think so. I think it would be incredibly
hard to.

Speaker 3 (26:42):
Totally And like, let's break this down.

Speaker 1 (26:45):
There are two parts to it.

Speaker 3 (26:46):
Cheating is one thing, and cheating with them a man
is another. And I know a lot of people might
say all cheating is created equal. It's not all created equal,
like it is different, and cheating same sex I think
adds another layer to it, because of course it's going
to add another layer of complexity to the way you
think about it and the way you question your relationship. Now,
we know sexuality is fluid, and he has said I'm

(27:07):
not homosexual. Maybe he's not, but he's definitely not one
hundred percent straight, or I don't want to say definitely.

Speaker 1 (27:14):
I'm going to make the assumption he's not.

Speaker 3 (27:16):
Because if you're going to pay to receive anal sex
but you are choosing every time to have it received
by a man, of course you're gonna question what his
sexuality is. Now that's a problem for you only if
it's a problem for you. So like that's going to
bother some people less so than others. And more so
than others. I think going back to the core issue here,

(27:36):
it's maybe. I mean, for me, it's just five years
of cheating and bringing home an STI the only reason
he has told you is because.

Speaker 1 (27:43):
He had to.

Speaker 3 (27:44):
So that's the bigger issue here for me is like, Wow,
how long would this have gone on for if you
never made me aware?

Speaker 1 (27:51):
Yeah, it's an odd one to try and unpack, isn't it?
Because I'm complicated?

Speaker 3 (27:54):
No?

Speaker 2 (27:55):
I mean, like the sexuality thing, like, I mean, put
that aside and pack it because at the end of
the day, would be bisexual and choose to be in
a relationship with a woman or a man. I mean,
being someone who has any level of fluidity to their
sexuality doesn't mean that you don't have the ability to
be monogamous. Right, They're not two things that are of
the same, and let's not conflate them. But when someone

(28:15):
is being completely unfaithful and it sounds like he has
been for pretty much, you know, potentially even all of
your relationship, it's all the damage that's done. It's all
the times when you think, oh, they said that they
were here, but were they really there? And then you
have to like go back in your brain to be like, Okay, well,
how much of our relationship is real and how much
of it has been built on this leg He's this
person during the day, and then he lives this fucking

(28:38):
separate lie at night time and then comes home to
his happy family and just pretends like everything's fine. It's
the duplicity of it all that makes people not be
able to trust what's in front of them again. And
there's a very good reason why you can't trust him.
It's because he's fucking lied to you every day for
the last X amount of years. The reason why he's
so tricky to answer is because you'd speak to any
counselor or psychologists and they would say, yes, you can

(29:00):
come back from cheating, but you'll never be the same
relationship as you were post cheating. And I would say
that all cheating is built differently, and this situation feels very,
very complicated and very hard to come back from unless
he is committed to changing. He is committed to the
type of relationship that you want, and if that's monogamous,

(29:22):
then that's going to potentially be something that's really hard
for him. And I think that it's more this is
not just a sorry situation like this is a lot
of working out and better understanding why he got to
a point where he felt like he could lie so
insidiously for so long about something that has completely unraveled
your relationship.

Speaker 1 (29:41):
It's not for you to rebuild this, this is for him.
The reason this is even more.

Speaker 3 (29:45):
Tricky is because this is somebody that you've said you
just love so much that your life partner. Cheating is
one thing where you want to be so hurt and
angry and betrayed. This has this layer of being like, well,
hang on, I love this person so much. Am I
supposed to then help them through this? Because there's obviously
some sort of question of their sexuality that is intertwined

(30:08):
in that. And there's a part of me that would
be so angry and like fuck you for hurting me
and bringing this back to me. But then I would
almost want to sit with them and try and work
out what's going on for them, because I can only imagine.

Speaker 1 (30:20):
That there is this layer of that's very confusing for him.

Speaker 3 (30:23):
And I'm not saying that to give him the grace
from what he's done. The cheating is wrong, but it
gets complicated because for me, I imagine there is there
has to be some inner confusion or turmoil to some
capacity with him. So I would as much as I'd
want to be like so angry and not wanting to
talk to him and work it out, there's a part
of me that would want to be like holding his

(30:43):
hand through and saying, hey, just talk me through this,
Like is there something that's going on inside of you,
like just to try and establish that, because I can
only imagine what that would.

Speaker 1 (30:51):
Do to a person too, if you are trying to
figure out who and what you are. So I don't know,
it's really tricky for me to answer.

Speaker 2 (30:57):
Yeah, but it's also I don't think that it's the
partner's response. I know that you might want to do that.
I know that you might want to be like I
can't just switch off loving this person, but you cannot
help them at this point, do you know what I mean?

Speaker 1 (31:09):
Like this is not if you find out you can
help them at this point.

Speaker 3 (31:11):
Of course, you can if people at any point of
a mental health crisis, which I'm just saying, if there
is the confusion layer, it's not just he's going around
being a fuckwit and cheating. If there is something going on,
internally with him questioning sexuality. Of course you can be
there and help, but that's why it's so tricky.

Speaker 2 (31:28):
Yeah, Okay, maybe I feel a bit differently about this
because I think it's too easy in this situation for
the person who's caused the harm to create and make
themselves the victim. So like, if he's like, I'm going
through a really hard time, this is really challenging for me.
No doubt, I do not dismiss those feelings.

Speaker 1 (31:45):
Absolutely.

Speaker 2 (31:46):
It doesn't mean you get to absolutely fuck the people
who you've made committed responsibilities, had relationships with, had a
baby with along the way. And when I say, it's
not your responsibility to help them and fix them, and
you know so, like, for example, if you're in a
relationship and you find out that your partner is a

(32:06):
sex addict, you can't help them through their sex addiction.
The only thing you can do is step away from
that relationship for a prolonged period of time while.

Speaker 1 (32:16):
They fix the issue that they have.

Speaker 2 (32:19):
Because for as long as they know that you're going
to be there and you're going to be able to
they're going to go back to you. It doesn't fix
the problem, It doesn't solve the sex addiction issue that
they have because they're like, well, I don't have to
be that sorry for it, or I don't have to
do the hard work because my relationship is still here
and I can always plug back into it.

Speaker 3 (32:35):
I agree with that. I think this is different. If
it comes down to questioning who you are and your sexuality,
I think that's just a very particularly niche crisis.

Speaker 2 (32:46):
Well, I mean, look, if I was you, I would
be going and seeking some professional advice, yeah, and getting
some real kind of like okay, this is how we
work through this, because I don't believe that you can
go from finding out this information to a place of
middle ground forgiveness and figuring out how you can pleasure him.
That is not for you to figure out right now.

(33:06):
What is for you to figure out is how you
can feel safe in your relationship, how you can be
safe in your body, how you can ensure that you
are respected and that the relationship boundaries are being upheld
so that you don't lose every sense of self worth
in this relationship and just feel trust Yeah, And I
think that those things are very important. First, he needs
to figure out what's going on in his life, and
that might mean down the track. You do combine therapy,

(33:29):
combined counseling sessions if you want to be together, but
you can't get straight to repair. There's a lot of
other shit that has to go down first before you
can fix this, and that is not one conversation. This
relationship will never be the same relationship. If you do
manage to fix it, then where you're going to be
in six or seven years time will be a different

(33:49):
version to what you had before. So say goodbye to
that relationship because it doesn't exist anymore.

Speaker 4 (33:53):
Yeah, you were just talking about the long term effects.
You can't just fix this straight away. The only other
part that we haven't touched on here is that you
don't know how long you might.

Speaker 1 (34:01):
Have had gone a rear for. You could have really serious.

Speaker 4 (34:04):
Long term consequences of the fact that your husband has
passed this to you because he's been deceitful and done
the wrong thing, Like you could have really serious issues
with your health. That's just something that I think adds
a whole other layer to this, that he has put
your health at risk.

Speaker 3 (34:19):
You have no idea how.

Speaker 4 (34:20):
Long for, and you could be suffering the long term consequences.

Speaker 3 (34:23):
Of that physically as well, yeah, but you know what,
if you think about it, the only reason we're being
remotely delicate about it is because there's a part of it,
an aspect of it where he's questioning his sexuality. That
is the reason we're being delicate. If he just went
out and had sex with someone else, cheated on you,
another woman, came home and brought that into your house,
our answer would be different.

Speaker 1 (34:41):
Mine would be I would be like, fuck that.

Speaker 3 (34:44):
But the only reason that my sensitivity comes in is
because I'm trying to say, okay, is there possibly an
aspect where he really doesn't know what the fuck he
wants or who he is? And that comes with mental
health tires.

Speaker 1 (34:55):
It does.

Speaker 3 (34:56):
So I think that that's why I'm being more sensitive
with that aspect, Because if he just went out, was
having sex with other chicks for five years, was bringing
STIs home, my advice would be like, Ben, get out
of there.

Speaker 1 (35:08):
You deserve better.

Speaker 3 (35:08):
And I think when you look at it like that,
it's probably a bit easier to put that more sensitive
lens on it.

Speaker 2 (35:13):
I understand, and I wish I had that level of
empathy to it. I think it's a problem if we
very quickly jump to mental health, though, because we are
making assumptions that his want to have sex with men
equates to mental health, and I don't think it necessarily does.
If it does, and if that's a conversation that he
has brought to you you have discussed, then of course

(35:36):
there needs to be a level of sensitivities. But I
absolutely don't want to equate infidelity, being attracted to men
and enjoying anal sex as a mental health issue, because
I actually think that that kind of takes away from
people who truly struggle with their sexual identities. Some people
just enjoy different kinds of pleasure. There's a bit of shame,
a bit of guilt attached to it. He didn't know
how she was going to react, and so he was

(35:57):
able to get away with it and live this double life.
That does it necessarily mean that he has a deep
mental health problem.

Speaker 1 (36:02):
He's also projected that onto her.

Speaker 4 (36:05):
She said, he's never brought it with me, and he's
also never discussed it with me.

Speaker 1 (36:09):
Well, you didn't discuss fucking anything with me, Pale.

Speaker 4 (36:11):
So he's actually just made assumptions, and then he's kind
of projected a little bit of like the fault onto
you for making their kind of situation seem like, well,
I didn't feel like I could come to you with
these sexual things that I liked having done.

Speaker 1 (36:25):
All right, next question. A few weeks ago, I went
to see a band.

Speaker 2 (36:29):
My sister was supposed to come, but she couldn't come,
so her husband used the ticket instead.

Speaker 1 (36:34):
From the start of kind of felt like a date.

Speaker 2 (36:36):
He bought me a drink and was touching me on
the back and the shoulder throughout the night. When we
got on the uber home, he opened the door for
me and was touching my knee, rubbing my thigh. On
the drive home, A froze and I did nothing. It
felt like he was making the moves. Now, my sister
and I are very very close, and they have been
married for ages. I'm talking decades. My sister has told

(36:59):
me things have been rocky lately, but from what I know,
their marriage is pretty solid. Since then, I've been completely
avoiding him. But I can't do that forever. I don't
want to carry this secret, but I also don't want
to be responsible for ending their marriage.

Speaker 1 (37:13):
Do I confront him? Do I tell her?

Speaker 2 (37:16):
Also, I wonder if I'm just making a big deal
out of nothing, since it wasn't actually sexual touching, but
I obviously just felt very uncomfortable by it all.

Speaker 1 (37:24):
Help.

Speaker 2 (37:25):
Okay, what do you mean it wasn't sexual touching when
he was touching your thighs.

Speaker 1 (37:28):
I think she rubbing your thighs.

Speaker 3 (37:31):
I think she means like, it wasn't a boob grab
or genitalely or sexual is what she's saying, but it
was enough to make her uncomfortable.

Speaker 4 (37:37):
I think that's really slight people on the thigh Yeah,
like I would if I was sitting next to one
of you guys, if I wanted your attention or something.

Speaker 3 (37:44):
She does mean she does say rubbing the leg.

Speaker 1 (37:49):
Specifically. Is it like, is it like, you know, like
a friend. I don't know.

Speaker 3 (37:54):
I imagine like he's reached over and he's sort of doing
it like a comfort little thumb rub or like, yeah,
I imagine it's like that.

Speaker 1 (38:02):
Maybe his take.

Speaker 3 (38:02):
I imagine it's inappropriate.

Speaker 1 (38:04):
I imagine it's inappropriate.

Speaker 3 (38:06):
Okay, at the end of the day, it's inappropriate enough
that you feel uncomfortable. And you know this guy better
than ever. You said, they've been together a long time,
You're really close with your sister. This isn't someone you
who you don't know you know him, and you feel uncomfortable.

Speaker 2 (38:17):
And also you know that this behavior is different to
how he behaves when your sister's there.

Speaker 3 (38:21):
It doesn't throw me when you're at the concert. The
buying a drink or the touching my back. I think
that that could get away with just being family, because
like I'm trying to think of how I would act.

Speaker 1 (38:30):
I would always buy.

Speaker 3 (38:31):
A drink for someone, any person in my family that
I'm a thing with, if you're leaning in to talk
to them, I would touch their back. I get that,
but if you know, it feels weird and different.

Speaker 2 (38:40):
There's also a difference between like buying someone a drink,
putting your hand on the back, you know, as they
walking through a crowd.

Speaker 1 (38:45):
I don't lose them. Verse like a romantic song comes
on and they've put.

Speaker 2 (38:49):
Their arm around you, and I like kind of mean
like there's or they're like, you know, rubbing down your back,
the smaller of your back.

Speaker 1 (38:54):
There's different levels of this.

Speaker 2 (38:56):
Part of me is like when you said it kind
of felt like a date from the start because he
brought me a drink and then he touched my back
and shoulder that I'm like, maybe that was a little
bit in your head. Maybe maybe that part because like
we don't know the level, right.

Speaker 3 (39:09):
What I mean, like you don't know, but maybe you
don't know, but you do know, like if he has
never been like that before and it felt a bit weird,
your spidery.

Speaker 1 (39:17):
Sensors would tingle for a reason. Yeah, the question is
what do you do though? With those spidy sensors. You
got to be sure. I think you've got to be
sure ye had to do anything with it.

Speaker 2 (39:26):
Might that's my issue, Okay, Like you might have your
intuition as a woman might be raging that this felt
fucking not normal, not normal, but you have to be
certain that it wasn't normal. You have to be certain
that he was hitting on you before you go and
say something to your sister, because like that to me
and maybe look, maybe he was testing the waters. Maybe
he was rubbing your leg to see what your reaction

(39:48):
was going to be, which is insane.

Speaker 3 (39:49):
Do you a sister like to do it to your
wife's sister?

Speaker 1 (39:54):
Yeah?

Speaker 4 (39:55):
I just imagine both of your husband's doing it to
your sister and the sisters sorry, and the looks on
both of their faces, Like I would pay to see
it Oh my, they would be like.

Speaker 3 (40:05):
What the fuck are you doing?

Speaker 1 (40:07):
I'm also confused.

Speaker 2 (40:08):
Every single woman has been in a situation where they've
felt uncomfortable by something but hasn't said anything. If my
brother in law was rubbing my leg, I'd be like, dude,
what are you doing power.

Speaker 1 (40:17):
That's why I think she's not sure.

Speaker 3 (40:19):
She wasn't sure enough to say it, but she was
uncomfortable enough to be like.

Speaker 2 (40:23):
I don't know, or do you think he progressed during
the night with his touching and being sort of like
very touchy feely because there had been nothing to give
him the body language or the verbal direction that it
wasn't something that was consensual.

Speaker 1 (40:38):
Do you know what I mean?

Speaker 2 (40:39):
Because like sometimes these things, it starts with this little
touch and then like it turns into them and then
it's not, and it's like he's testing the waters to
see what your response is and you've not responded in
any way, and so he's like, well, is that affirmation
that this is okay?

Speaker 3 (40:52):
Now?

Speaker 2 (40:52):
Like, I don't know, because I've never been in a situation,
And in no way am I victim blaming and saying
like if she'd have said something, I'm just I'm trying
to mentally figure out like how this has gotten to
the place where it's at.

Speaker 1 (41:04):
Well's it going to be impossible for us.

Speaker 3 (41:05):
We'll play mental gymnastics because we don't have enough details.
The only thing I can say to you is you
need I think you need to be sure because you
know there's a few things that could happen. You say
to your sister, Hey, I don't know what it was,
but I felt uncomfortable. That in itself, saying that her
husband made you uncomfortable is definitely going to start something

(41:30):
in some capacity, either between you and her or her
and him, and then him and you. And at the
end of the day, you just have to be open
to a trust in your gut and be there being
repercussions because this isn't something that is just said lightly.
And I don't want to say that as in, don't
say anything. Just be sure of what you're saying. That's
all here.

Speaker 1 (41:50):
It is, is what you're gonna do. Okay, move away.

Speaker 2 (41:52):
So I think even if you did tell her, even
if you said, hey, I felt a bit uncomfortable. He
touched my thigh. Firstly, he's going to deny black and blue.
He's not going to deny maybe touching a thigh, if
he's gonna be like, oh my god.

Speaker 1 (42:03):
What has she been taking? Who embarrassed? Friends? Like what
are you talking about?

Speaker 2 (42:07):
This information is absolutely not going to end their marriage.
Your sister is not going to leave her husband because
you say he bought you a drink, touched your shoulder,
and then touched your thigh in the cab. I'm not
saying she won't believe you. She probably will believe you,
but she's not going to leave her husband for that.
I think, don't ignore the situation, don't ignore him, don't
ignore her.

Speaker 1 (42:28):
I think you continue on.

Speaker 2 (42:30):
Don't necessarily say anything at the moment, but fucking have
your radar on. If this continues, If this type of
any kind of thing that makes you feel uncomfortable is continuing,
then I think you go, Okay, I now need to
say something. It could have been potentially a one off
that was interpreted not in the way that he meant it.
I want to give you the benefit of the doubt

(42:50):
and say, actually, you interpret it exactly how he meant it.
But if he is making advances, those advances will continue,
those little flirty quips, those little things where he's testing
the water and pushing the boundaries, and if you notice
that it's continuing, then you have the conversation because you
have more proof of it. But I also would be
having it with her. I wouldn't be having it with him.

(43:11):
I would say, Hey, I need to talk to you.
There's been a few things that X has done recently
that's made me feel really uncomfortable and I feel like
he's crossing a line in terms of friendship. And I
don't know what's going on, but it's it's not what
our relationship used to be.

Speaker 1 (43:25):
Yeah, I would probably do the same laws.

Speaker 3 (43:26):
I wouldn't blow it up now unless you know deep down,
maybe you're also maybe you do know deep down, and
just to us, you know, you're putting the feelers out.
If you know deep down, then I would say something.
But until then, yeah, I would just try and see
if his behavior changes and if he does anything else inappropriate.

Speaker 2 (43:42):
Totally, and if he does anything else inappropriate, you can
also confront him about it too.

Speaker 1 (43:46):
Ta hundi, hundi. But also he's just gonna say he's
just going to deny it. If you're not meeting his advances,
he'd be like, what are you talking about? You're crazy.

Speaker 2 (43:53):
I would love to hear from anyone if anyone else
has been in a situation like this, if anyone has
had to deal with like a brother in law or
the partner of their sister, try and crack onto them
or do something that's totally like what did you do?

Speaker 1 (44:06):
How did you navigate this?

Speaker 2 (44:07):
Because I feel like some real life experience or like
having some skin in the game for a question like
this is super helpful. Please write in to Lafe and
Quand on our Instagram because I'd love to know.

Speaker 3 (44:18):
Okay, last question, I don't want my husband to tell
his mum.

Speaker 1 (44:21):
When I go into labor. Hmmm, tricky? Tricky?

Speaker 3 (44:24):
Am I being unreasonable that I don't want my husband
to tell his mother when I'm going into labor? So
for context, I don't like her Okay, Well, I mean
probably reason enough. She's proven herself to be untrustworthy in
many scenarios. For example, she begged to see my wedding
dress then proceeded to show multiple people in her family
before we got married. This is, amongst other things, that

(44:46):
just sounds like a super like I mean, I don't
know what it sounds, just like a super proud mother
in law.

Speaker 1 (44:52):
You know someone that is so excited and they just.

Speaker 2 (44:54):
Want to But it also sounds like a mother in
law that doesn't understand boundaries. For example, you didn't want
anyone to see your before your wedding. Imagine if you'd
shown Ben's mum and then Ben's mum showed everyone on
his side.

Speaker 1 (45:04):
You Oh, totally, totally.

Speaker 3 (45:06):
She says she also lies, so I found her to
be dishonest and just a really annoying person.

Speaker 1 (45:11):
Okay, she just doesn't really like that you really don't
like your mother in law. That sucks.

Speaker 3 (45:14):
She's a very annoying person, So I don't see why
I need to disclose this information when she can just
wait for us to tell her when the baby is here.
She also messages my husband every day, and I know
it would just cause me anxiety if she's constantly asking
for updates. My husband thinks I am being silly and
he's quite hurt by it. Any thoughts or advice would
be greatly appreciated.

Speaker 1 (45:35):
I think that this is a very tricky one for
multiple reasons.

Speaker 2 (45:38):
One, if you're gonna tell your mom the second you
go into labor, then I don't think it's fair for
you to put restrictions on your husband and tell your
husband who he can tell, like as in like when
it comes to his family is an immediate family, his mum.

Speaker 1 (45:52):
Especially if he's close to it.

Speaker 2 (45:53):
And I know some people will disagree with this because
obviously he's not in labor. He's not the one who's
going through themotional taxing toll of like literally birthing a child, right,
he's just the support person. But I do think that
it creates this real dynamic where your mum's more important,
and your mum's more valued, then his mum is valued,

(46:14):
And so I would say I don't think it's fair
for him to say that you're being silly. I think
you have your reasons as to why you don't trust
his mum, But I also think that this will turn
into quite a big thing if you're making him choose
between you and his mum in certain situations. However, However,
if this is a mandatory for you to have a peaceful,

(46:35):
calm birth that doesn't have any anxiety attached to it,
then I think that those are things that you need
to communicate with him and have a really honest conversation about.
If you just don't want to tell her because you
really hate her, and it's out of spite and it's
out of wanting to, you know, make her wait like
everyone else.

Speaker 1 (46:53):
Then I think that that's a different thing.

Speaker 2 (46:54):
Be really sure where these feelings are coming from before
you have these conversations and create the dynamic.

Speaker 1 (47:00):
That's all I want to say.

Speaker 3 (47:01):
You don't have to tell her like it's at the
end of the day, Like it's not a big deal
if you say, hey, I'm in labor now, or hopefully
for you a couple of hours later, Hey the baby's here.
But what I think you can do is try and
keep everyone happy. I don't think it's worth causing a
problem between you and your husband, you and the mother
in law, the husband and the mother in law, Like,
I just don't think it's worth that. But I think

(47:21):
what you can say is, do you know what you
can tell her? But from here on in, you need
to tell her that I don't need to hear from her,
like I don't want messages being updated. If she messages
you for the updates, don't tell me because you've said
that like her constantly messaging him for updates gives you anxiety.

Speaker 1 (47:40):
Cool, let's put the barrier there. You don't need to
know that.

Speaker 3 (47:42):
Your husband doesn't need to pass on Oh my god,
mom's message. Again, that's for him to deal with. But
if you can just say, hey, you know what, I'm stressed.
I am carrying this baby, I'm stressed about labor. I'm
stressed about a lot of stuff. I already have anxiety.
I need you to help me monitor this.

Speaker 1 (47:56):
Like I'm happy for.

Speaker 3 (47:56):
You to tell her we're in labor, but I don't
want to be dealing with it, and I don't want
to be thinking about it when I'm in my birth.
I think there's ways around it.

Speaker 2 (48:03):
I mean, you wrote she also messages my husband every
single day, and I know it'll just cause me anxiety
if she's constantly asking for updates. She's doing it anyway.
She's messaging every day.

Speaker 1 (48:12):
Anyway.

Speaker 2 (48:12):
It's up to your husband to put some boundaries in
place around what it is and is inappropriate. And I
would say to your husband, look, okay, tell your mom
that we're going into labor if that's something that's really important. However,
my then stipulations are you put your phone on, do
not disturb. I don't want your phone going off throughout
our entire labor. I also want you to communicate with

(48:35):
mum that like she isn't to tell everyone, and if
she does tell everyone, that's something that will be deeply disappointing.

Speaker 1 (48:41):
To me.

Speaker 2 (48:41):
It kind of feels like there's a gap between the
stuff that you're communicating to him and the things that
he's telling his mom.

Speaker 3 (48:47):
Like she's obviously done wrong by you, She's dishonest. You've
said that twice, so like you have a problem with her.
Like I don't want to take that away from you
and say, you know, it's just up to your husband,
But like this sounds to me like it can very
well managed a lot of it by your husband. So
I think the best way to manage it is to
not put everyone aside. Just explain to him why it's

(49:07):
an issue for you and why you're upset and you
want it to be special between you guys, and let
him deal with it.

Speaker 1 (49:12):
Yeah, I agree, I completely agree.

Speaker 2 (49:14):
But I do feel like if you don't have some
pretty honest conversations about this, you're going to be put
in a situation where you.

Speaker 1 (49:22):
Turn out to be like the bad person in this,
do you know.

Speaker 2 (49:24):
I mean, like it's like it's very easy for the
narrative to be twisted so that you're being the asshole,
but you actually have very valid reasons as to why
you feel the way you do. So I think like
coming to a middle ground where there's stipulations around the
type of birth that you want, the lack of contact
that you want during your birth period, and I think
that's totally reasonable. The last thing, the last thing anyone

(49:44):
wants is to be hearing their husband's phone going ding
ding ding here and having them distracted being on their
phone because they're updating people mid birth rather than being
there and being an active participant in the birth. That
is like beyond reasonable. And so I think like, if
that is your concern that needs to be communicated, and
it needs to be something that is absolutely upheld because

(50:05):
it's not his birth, it's your birth and that's the
most important thing.

Speaker 1 (50:09):
All right, guys. Well that's it from us.

Speaker 2 (50:10):
If you have a question for Ask to answer and
ask Uncut, slide into the DMS at Life Uncut Podcasts.
You can also watch all of the episodes on YouTube
as well.

Speaker 1 (50:18):
And you know the drill Okay, Mum Tay

Speaker 3 (50:21):
Dowt Te dog Tee friends and share the love because
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