Welcome back to ask uncut where we answer all of your deep, dark and burning questions.
What’s the most passive aggressive text you’ve ever received? Is ‘K’, a thumbs up or no message at all the worst?
Vibes for the week:
Britt - Estee Lauder Double Wear Stay-in-Place Makeup
Keeshia - Electric Blanket
Laura - ChatGPT scam check
Then we jump into your questions!
GUY CAME IN ME WITHOUT ASKING - AM I OVERREACTING?
I started seeing a guy a few weeks ago that I was genuinely into. We met on Hinge, had been on a few dates, and things were going really well. He seemed sweet and thoughtful — he even UberEats-ed me Panadol when I mentioned I had a headache, and we’d had a lot of great chats. Fast forward to last week: he invited me over for a wine and pizza night. One thing led to another and we ended up having sex — unprotected (which I now regret, but I felt too awkward in the moment to say anything). Then, without asking or even warning me, he finished inside me. I was stunned. He gave me a kiss, got dressed, and didn’t bring it up at all. I just layed there in shock, pretending to fall asleep because I didn’t know how to respond.
The next day, he sent me a long message apologising — completely unprompted — saying it was a split-second decision that he instantly regretted. While I appreciated the apology, I can’t shake the feeling that this is a dealbreaker. At that moment, he chose his own convenience over my autonomy and my body. I keep going back and forth in my head — am I overreacting? I’d love to know your thoughts, because as much as I liked him, I’m not sure I can come back from something like this so early on.
FRIEND DITCHED ME AFTER BECOMING AN INFLUENCER
What do you do if an old friend who you used to talk to from time to time suddenly unfollows you on insta after becoming an influencer? I went to primary school & most of high school with this person in a rural town. He was probably my first childhood crush & after high school he was trying to make it big through YouTube which I supported along the way. He even messaged me saying he was so grateful for my support. Then he started posting different content which got him really recognised & then he unfollowed a bunch of his old friends, including me. I still respond to his stories from time to time as he is constantly smashing massive goals in life to do with his career. However, recently he’s just gotten engaged which he posted on his story & it makes me sad to think he cut me off. I want to tell him congratulations & that I am excited for what the future brings for him, but every other reaction to his story is just met with a like of my reaction. What should I do? I’m not sure how to move on - if comes into my mind every time I see his stories.
PEOPLE COMMENTING ON MY BABY’S BIG SIZE
I have a 2.5 year old daughter who has always been a ‘big baby&
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
This episode was recorded on cameragle Land.
Speaker 2 (00:12):
Hi guys, and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut.
I'm Laura, I'm Brittany, and this is ask gun can't
where we answer. You're deep, you're dark, and you're burning questions.
And I wanted to kick this off by saying, firstly,
we've all been in situations where we've received text messages
from someone that has made us absolutely fucking irate.
Speaker 1 (00:31):
I'm sure we have.
Speaker 2 (00:32):
I came across an article recently which has done a
study on like the most infuriating text message that you
could ever receive from someone, And one might think it's
being left on red and not getting a reply at all,
but it is, in fact just receiving the single letter K.
Speaker 3 (00:47):
I was thinking it might be a thumbs up I'm
as fucked, or react with a thumbs up like that's
as passag as it gets to me.
Speaker 2 (00:55):
I saw this and I thought it was so interesting,
not because I was like, oh, like, we should not
do this. I was like, you can weaponize this the
next time you're in a terrible fight with that toxic
X who just sent you this long message. Maybe they're
trying to get you back because they're a narcissists and
they can't handle the fact that, like there's an imbalance
of power. Now they're gonna send you this big, long,
soppy text about how they miss you and everything else,
(01:16):
and you're just gonna write back Kay.
Speaker 4 (01:18):
My mum loves a kay. She loves it, but it's
not passag for her. She just it's just her doing
the most minimal response to something like confirming I've received
a text, and she just writes a KAY.
Speaker 2 (01:31):
Personally, No, it's like, just put the O in there.
It's the same amount of minimal effort. Now it's less rude.
Speaker 4 (01:37):
It's actually technically double the effect. I am just not bubble.
Speaker 5 (01:42):
I Uh.
Speaker 4 (01:44):
The thumbs up trumps anything. The thumbs up to me
is like, oh fuck. Like if someone gives it to me,
I'm like they're pissed, Like they are proper piss Whereas
K can be ambiguous because K can be like Okay,
I've received it, or it can be super aggressive. But
for me, the thumbs up there's not a good way
to ever do it. It's always passive aggressive.
Speaker 2 (02:02):
That's interesting. So the thumbs up doesn't bother me. A
thumbs up to me is kind of similar to just
like love hearting the message.
Speaker 5 (02:08):
Above, I feel so differently.
Speaker 3 (02:09):
I know like the love heart is because I'll send
the heart, react to acknowledge that I've seen something. You know,
like even this morning, Laura, you were like, hey, there's
been roadworks. I'm going to be five minutes late, and
I just love heart, I love heart react to it.
Speaker 5 (02:22):
A thumbs up feels so passive to me.
Speaker 4 (02:26):
I don't mean the reaction of a thumbs up. I'm
happy if you react. Thumbs up to my text is
when you actually send it, like you send it and
it's in a follow up text. It's not the reaction.
Speaker 2 (02:35):
I know what you mean, but no, I am going
to be on the side of this research study that
is an absolute waste of time, money, and resources. But
I'm gonna say, kay, a k is far more passag
than a thumbs up.
Speaker 3 (02:46):
I feel really great that now I know that you
don't think a thumbs up i' like passag because as
my boss, I feel like that really could have been
misinterpreted by me and I would just be sitting there
writing with anxiety, being like, holy shit, what have I done?
Speaker 1 (03:00):
Because maybe it just stop sending thumbs up to people.
Speaker 4 (03:03):
You know. What's also worse is too is like if
someone has just sent you the text and you can
respond immediately, is just to start typing for ages so
that they can see the bubbles and then don't send anything.
It just mind fuck because I'll forever think that you're
sending this like really long response like oh my god,
what's going to be? Then you delete it and they
never know what it's going to be because sometimes they're
(03:23):
not knowing is worse than the knowing.
Speaker 2 (03:25):
Yeah, I sometimes think about it because like you know
or delete it. Yeah, that's because people what did you delete?
But you know that if that person's waiting on the
line for like a big message to come through, like
I'm thinking like exes, I'm thinking when you're in that
text battle war stage of like a breakup, they're sitting
there waiting for the message to come through. So you know,
if you send it and it's been one second before
(03:47):
you unsend it, they've seen it.
Speaker 5 (03:48):
You know.
Speaker 2 (03:49):
But this guy gets way too much airtime on this podcast.
I should stop talk about my exes. But the guy
I dated who displayed every quality of what you would
describe in a narcissist, but obviously hasn't been diagnosed, so
let's not you know, pseudo diagnose him on here. He'd
said to me, like, when we're at a happy point
in our relationship and things were fine. I remember having
conversation with him because he was talking about an X
(04:09):
and he had said that the most triggering thing you
can do to a person is to just ignore them,
like give the silent treatment. And he was describing how
he went through this with his ex, which should have
been a.
Speaker 1 (04:20):
Red fucking flag at the time.
Speaker 5 (04:23):
Read Flasha Laybook.
Speaker 2 (04:26):
Yeah, he did, and he would just say that he
would just go silent, just not reply, And then he
did it to me quite a few times when we
were going through like our you know that toxic disentanglement
or whatever you would call.
Speaker 4 (04:37):
It conscious uncoupling.
Speaker 2 (04:39):
Well, it wasn't even that, because it was so if
anyone has ever dated someone who is narcissistic and then
you have like researched it and read the playbook of
what narcissism looks like, like there is a step by
step playbook that that relationship will take. The stages are
so clear, and that was what we were going through.
Now in hindsight, I can see it, but when it
actually got to point where I was like, I am
(05:01):
done now, there is no coming back from this, and
I pulled myself away. I knew that not replying to
him would be the most triggering thing for him, and
he gave me those tools. So one day I just
woke up and I was like, oh, I get it now,
block and that was it. But let me tell you,
not only did that enrage him, Like I ended up
having to move house because he would show up my house,
(05:22):
he would show up my work, he would leave things
on my car like he did not take that. It
made him crazy because he lost control. Yeah, but it
is so true. I just took a real duck turn.
I had to move, so I don't know where the
fuck I lived.
Speaker 4 (05:34):
I've been on the receiving end of it, where I'm
the one trying to contact the person, like whether it's
like through a breakup or whatever, and then not responding.
It sends you insane because you end up just you
end up looking crazy because you've got like twenty five
texts that they're not answering, which is not on you.
But then you're like, I'm remembering this one moment where
you're like, fucking answer, me, like, just answer me, and
(05:57):
it's they just don't and it is the worst being
like silence is power.
Speaker 3 (06:01):
Quote unquote, he would say, no, message is a message.
My mum always says, you cannot misinterpret silence.
Speaker 4 (06:07):
Yeah.
Speaker 5 (06:08):
I use it now as more of a like weapon. Yeah. Yeah,
And now I'm on the other.
Speaker 1 (06:12):
Side of it.
Speaker 4 (06:13):
I did message Ben. I got angry about something the
other day, and it works better for us because we're
on a different time zone, so I know he's asleep,
so he's not necessarily going.
Speaker 1 (06:20):
To see it. Did you just thumbs up?
Speaker 4 (06:22):
No, This is how I know about the deleting it.
So I sent it to him. We use WhatsApp International obviously,
so I had sent him something. I was just angry.
I'd sent it something, put my phone down, walked away,
and then I was like, it wasn't intentional. I was like,
what good is this going to do? This isn't constructive
to the relationship.
Speaker 1 (06:40):
I like, I'm being a bitch, I'm being not nice.
Speaker 4 (06:43):
It was warrant, no election, it was warranted, but okay,
he missed the wedding meeting. Oh just didn't wake up
for it. And it wasn't in the middle of the night.
It was seven am. We said it for that time,
and he missed the meeting, and so I wrote a
message to him that was not It wasn't aggressive, but
was passive. I was like, it's cool, it's all right,
you know, I'll deal with it anyway. Like everything else.
(07:04):
It was like one of those.
Speaker 5 (07:04):
Kinds of anyway.
Speaker 4 (07:06):
But then I went back and deleted it because I
was like, he's tired, whatever, it's not the end of
the world. So I deleted it. And that's where I
discovered because he's like, what did you because it comes
up on WhatsApp it says message deleted.
Speaker 2 (07:18):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (07:18):
He was like, what did you delete? And I was like, well, nothing,
and he's like, you obviously deleted something. And that started
the conversation and I was like, this is where the
power comes from, the not knowing.
Speaker 2 (07:28):
But we're good guys. We made out, So that's fine.
Does Ben actually know what date the wedding is?
Speaker 5 (07:32):
Now?
Speaker 1 (07:32):
Has he come full circle?
Speaker 2 (07:33):
I did, B's organizing her own wedding for herself and
we will hopefully Ben attend.
Speaker 4 (07:39):
I just couldn't believe he didn't.
Speaker 5 (07:42):
No, he didn't want attend.
Speaker 4 (07:43):
He woke up five hours late. So I actually thought
I was going to send out a wellness check. I
was like, this is not normal, but he was like,
I was really tired.
Speaker 3 (07:52):
I was like, okay, okay, from all the wedding Plenty
hasn't been doing it exhausting, its not doing anything.
Speaker 4 (08:00):
No, we love him all right.
Speaker 2 (08:01):
Well, look, guys, let's get into vis I subscribed before
we start answering your questions.
Speaker 1 (08:04):
Britt, what is your vibe for the week.
Speaker 4 (08:06):
Okay, I'm going for a product. This has got to
be the makeup product I use that I'm asked the
most about forever, Like since I came to the public eye,
and I've used the same thing since I was seventeen
years old. My foundation. I always get asked what foundation
I use? And I swear by this foundation. But it
is a long wear So if you have like a
huge day, or you find that you put different foundations
(08:28):
on that maybe come off or look shiny, or come
off in patches, like sometimes they thin in different areas.
This is este lorda doubleware foundation. It's called double wear
because the idea is it's double the length of wear.
Speaker 5 (08:41):
It sticks like cement days on like spack filler.
Speaker 4 (08:44):
Guys, this thing I can get up in the morning
at six point thirty, put my makeup on, work all day,
then I can go home, go to the gym. It
could be nine o'clock at night I've had a sauna.
I come out and my makeup is still on. It
can't be good for cloging and pause. It obviously comes
off with makeup remover. I use it almost every day
when I have like a big long day or an
event or something. But it is the foundation for people
(09:07):
that do need something like for a really big long day.
Speaker 2 (09:10):
Can I just say, I know you use this, and
I many times have complimented you on your makeup, and
I have tried it and it didn't work for me. Like,
I feel like it's not a foundation that works when
necessarily everyone. If you're someone who like quite lacks a
matte finish, I feel like that's what it gives you.
Speaker 4 (09:24):
It's way more matt If you like Jewey, like Yukisha,
it's not for you.
Speaker 2 (09:28):
Yeah, I'm more of a Jewey foundation base, and like
I find it's too thick for me. I feel like
I look like I have too much makeup on, but
it looks amazing on you, So I do think that
it suits specific skin types better than others.
Speaker 4 (09:40):
I think also if.
Speaker 5 (09:41):
You've got a dry skin type.
Speaker 3 (09:42):
Sometimes, because I've had times where I've been on medication
where my skin has gotten really dry, I still have
estay lorda doublewar for things like weddings or like is
it going to events and that kind of thing. But
I will often put something jewey on the top of it.
But when my skin was dry, because it's a matte
foundation and it is drying, it was just not the
right combination. So I think if you've got like hydrated
(10:02):
or maybe oily skin, it could be.
Speaker 4 (10:03):
Better personally for me. The jewy, isn't it. The jewey
doesn't stay for me. It wipes off, it comes off
in patches. It must just be a skin beam. I
like to look like I've been dipped in oil. You
do you shine? Qisha water is your vibe for the week? Look,
it's not the most intellectual vibe. But I put this
on my bed a couple of weeks ago.
Speaker 3 (10:21):
I've had it for years, and I just thought, there's
got to be people out there that are just like me.
Speaker 2 (10:27):
If you tell me it's the leg cooling thing or
like a pregnancy pier, the.
Speaker 3 (10:31):
Knee pillow, is the best thing I've ever recommended on
this podcast.
Speaker 1 (10:34):
I saw it at a stray post the other day.
I wore it in. It was right there and haunting me.
Speaker 5 (10:41):
They have the.
Speaker 1 (10:42):
Best things at the post office. The post office is unhinged.
Speaker 2 (10:46):
It'll have salt and pepper next to like a neck
massage on it, next to like a Peter Rabbit plate set,
like you walk in there with not knowing what you're
gonna walk out with.
Speaker 3 (10:54):
I think we must go to the same post office
because that's exactly what mine has.
Speaker 1 (10:57):
It's every single one I see every.
Speaker 3 (10:59):
Post The buyer for the post office must have ADHD
because I relate to that deeply. The thing that I
would recommend to this week is an electric blanket. So
the one I pulled up because I've had mine for
a couple of years. I'm pretty sure it's like the
version of this one. It looks almost identical. This might
be like the newer version. It's the classic washable electric blanket.
This one's from Temple and Webster. It's fifty nine to
(11:19):
ninety nine. It has two control settings, so you've got
like either side of the electric blanket, so you put
this on top of your mattress, and then if you
want a mattress protector or whatever, you can put that
on the top as well.
Speaker 5 (11:30):
I don't sleep with this on.
Speaker 3 (11:32):
I know a lot of people are scared about electric
blankets because they're like, oh, fire hazard, blah blah blah.
I just turn it on for fifteen to twenty minutes
before I get into bed, and it is the nicest thing,
just like taken off my slippers and taken off my
dressing count and getting into an already warmed bed.
Speaker 5 (11:48):
I sleep with.
Speaker 4 (11:49):
I sleep with that last night. I sleep with an
electric blanket every night.
Speaker 5 (11:51):
Do you sleep with it on? Yep?
Speaker 4 (11:53):
I sleep with it on, but I put PAF on
and I keep half cold. I put it on low,
and I probably turn it off at like four am.
I just put my hand down the side of the
bed I'm half asleep, flick it off, and it's like
the perfect temperature. And then if you get too hot,
you can't do it because you share a bed. But
I live alone. I just like roll onto the cold side.
(12:13):
It's brilliant.
Speaker 3 (12:14):
That's really funny because Delilah slept over the other night
and I slept in this spare room with her and
I put it on for her and I could tell
that she really enjoyed it as well. So yeah, if
you are a bit of like a cold frog and
you tend to you know, when you get into bed
in the middle of winter and I know it's getting
colder now, and it's just it takes like ten minutes
for me to stop shivering because the bed's so cold,
and I'm like just heat already.
Speaker 5 (12:34):
This has completely gotten rid of that. So yeah, I
really really enjoy it.
Speaker 3 (12:38):
And if you are thinking that you might enjoy an
electric blanket, this one's a really reasonable price, well.
Speaker 1 (12:43):
Very timely coming into winter.
Speaker 2 (12:45):
Look, my recommendation actually comes from the Facebook group, and
we've been talking a lot about chat GPT recently, but
I'm just gonna lean in hard. So there was a
thread that was quite well received in our discussion group
Life and Cut Discussion group, if you want to go
and join it. And there are so many scams that
are out there these days, and there are some of
them that are very very hard to decipher as to
(13:05):
whether they are or aren't scams.
Speaker 4 (13:06):
Like so good.
Speaker 2 (13:07):
Literally every day you get fucking Australia Post or a
bank scam or whatever it is. It might be text
message form, or it could be in email form, but
they are getting better and better, and there's definitely been
times where I have even like, I've read it and
I've been like, I think it's real. And so, for example,
for us especially, we're always getting deliveries because of Tony
(13:28):
May through FedEx or through DHL, and so like I
often get them which are like, hey, you have a
DHL parcel that's waiting for you to pay customs clearance
on it, which I would get six or seven of
those messages or emails a week through Tony May anyway,
and I've started receiving the scam version of that, and
so it's really hard to decipher what actually is a
(13:49):
custom clearance and what isn't. I know that there's loads
of versions of this. That's just one example, but it's
one that I almost fell for recently. And somebody put
in the Facebook group that what you can do now
is if you get a text message that you're not
sure about, copy the message or copy the email and
pop it straight into chat GPT and ask Chat GPT
whether or not it is a scam, and it will
(14:10):
be able to tell you because it will be able
to see the email address, the links, the phone number,
whatever it is that's been attached to that that you've
been asked to contact. It'll be able to do the
research at the back end and tell you whether or
not it is or isn't a scam. I just thought
this was so incredibly helpful, and I've used it a
couple of times since I saw it in the Facebook group,
and there's been a couple of them that I was
so close or I was like, feels a bit iffy.
(14:33):
I'll wait until I get a follow up from them
before I actually action it.
Speaker 1 (14:35):
And now I don't have to worry about that. I
just pop it in.
Speaker 2 (14:38):
It tells me and off I go with my day.
So I think it's great chat GPT. I've been using
it for way too many things recently.
Speaker 4 (14:43):
That's sure.
Speaker 1 (14:44):
Mine is good. All right, let's get into your questions.
Speaker 4 (14:49):
Question number one. I started seeing a guy a few
weeks ago that I was genuinely into. We met on Hinge,
had been on a few dates and things were going
really well. He seemed really sweet and thoughtful, and he
even uber eached me me a panat all when I
mentioned that I have a headache.
Speaker 1 (15:03):
The height of romance and chivalry.
Speaker 4 (15:05):
I love that there are the things we take note of.
We'd had a lot of great chats, things were going well.
Fast forward to last week. He invited me over for
a wine in pizza knight. Now, one thing led to
another and we ended up having sex unprotected, which I
now regret, but I felt too awkward in the moment
to say anything. Then, without asking or even warning, he
finished inside me. I was stunned. He gave me a kiss,
(15:26):
got dressed, and didn't bring it up at all. I
just laid there in shock, pretending to fall asleep because
I didn't know how to respond. The next day, he
sent me a long message apologizing completely unprompted, saying it
was a split second decision and that he instantly regretted it. Now,
while I appreciate the apology, I can't shake the feeling
that this is a deal breaker. In that moment, he
(15:48):
chose his own convenience over my autonomy and my body.
I keep going back and forth in my head. Am
I overreacting? I'd love to know your thoughts, because as
much as I like him, I'm not sure I can
come back from something like this so early on.
Speaker 2 (16:03):
Ooh, Okay. Firstly, I have a lot of feelings on
this one. I want to be careful with how I
say this, because in no way am I trying to
shift blame or to shame or anything. But I think
this is a very good lesson for all of us,
that it's really important to have conversations upfront about what
(16:23):
you want and what you don't want. I hate that
you said you had sex without a condom, which you
then felt uncomfortable about. I hate that he's opportunistic. I
hate that he didn't think about you over his own
sexual gratification.
Speaker 1 (16:36):
I also hate that he knew.
Speaker 2 (16:37):
It was wrong because he did it anyway and then
thought about it and was like, hey, that sucked and apologized.
I get that he's apologizing, but to me, I'm like, well,
he already knew. He already knew that was a problem.
Hence why he needs to apologize to you. I understand
why you have the ick, and if it's not something
you could come back from, you absolutely don't have to.
There's plenty more fish in the sea, and there's plenty
(16:59):
more fish in the sea who are going to be
respectful enough to ask that question when they know that
that is problematic.
Speaker 4 (17:04):
Yeah, the biggest thing for me here is just saying
that you feel too awkward in the moment to say
put a condom on. That is like something that we
need to be talking about more. If like, no woman
should feel uncomfortable saying put a condom on. That should
be base level obviously for things like contraception, but also
STI is like, we know it. You absolutely never have
to do anything. And I know we've said that so
(17:25):
many times, but it still shocks me how many people
feel uncomfortable in a new sexual relationship to say that
they don't want to have unprotected sex, like that should
be like saying, hey, I have swy milk with my coffee, Like, hey,
can you get me a coffee with swim milk? Also,
I don't have sex without a condom. At the end
of the day, here, this is completely up to you.
It is your decision on how you feel and what
(17:46):
you know about him, and if you think you could
get past it or if you think you want to
get past it knowing that it is not consensual and
not okay. But you've said, I cannot shake the feeling
that this is a deal breaker and the fact that
you're uncomfortable about how so early on, that's what I
would take from this. I would think, there's plenty of
fish in the sea. You already don't feel right about it,
so the chance is you're never going to feel right
(18:08):
about it. It sort of has set the tone at
the beginning of a relationship of maybe what that relationship is.
So I would sit in the feeling and trust your gut.
If you feel like it is not right now, then
the relationship is not right for you and he's not
going to be the right person. That's what I think.
Speaker 2 (18:22):
Yeah, I come back to the fact that, like if
he sent an apology the next day, he knew that
it was not the right thing to do. So it's
not a case of like misinformation not being educated. You know,
sometimes there's some allowances for men not knowing the basis
of what constitutes consent, and I don't think that that
is a fair thing to grant him and this instance,
(18:44):
because he knew it was wrong and he apologized for it,
but I don't think the apology makes up for it.
I would say in my experience, and I mean, I'm
not going to say how many people I've had sex
with because it's relevant to the number. But I haven't
had an experience where a guy has not asked and
they have just done it anyway. And I think, like
considering the volume, I'm pretty bloody lucky. Like I don't
(19:05):
think that I've had a guy just completely ignored, not
give me any sign that it was gonna happen, and
if anything, just go ahead. Because the thing is is,
not only does he have to not give any sign,
he has to purposely not give any sign, Like you
know when someone's coming to climax, You know when someone's
about to come, like they give you many signals that
they're enjoying themselves. For you to be completely oblivious to
(19:26):
that is to me that he's actually taken steps in
disguising that so that he's able to come inside you.
Like that's what this screams of to me.
Speaker 4 (19:34):
I've definitely had people say like I'm gonna come like
they tell you, but get out of me. Yeah. But
then also it's like it's a split second later, like
that's not enough notice, do you know what I mean?
Like usually it's they're not giving you ten minutes notice.
Usually they're saying it like at the point of climax,
which which also like, cool, you just did it on
a technicality, but it's still not cool.
Speaker 2 (19:54):
Well, I also want to say for anyone who's confused
because consent has been this ever evolving conversation that we've
been having the last few years. But like, in terms
of the definition of what it is, consent must be
present every time, including for the duration of any sexual act,
and consent to one act does not mean consent is
given to any other act. Giving consent to having sex
without a condom does not imply that you're giving consent
(20:17):
to that person coming inside you. Now, I know that
there'll be people listening to this who are like, but
what about precom You can still get pregnant and all
that sort of stuff. Yes, that is true, you can,
and that is a risk that clearly the person who's
written in this question was maybe slightly uncomfortable with, but
was willing to take. It's a very different level of
risk to having someone full blown come inside you. Like
we all know that, I, for one, think if you
(20:41):
feel uncomfortable by this, there's absolutely no reason for you
what you feel uncomfortable, as you should, there's absolutely no
reason for you to pursue dating. The pool is not
that small. There's plenty more fish in the sea. And
I also think that it is an opportunity for you
to go back and be like cool. I appreciate the apology,
but I want you to know how not okay that
was with me. And that's the reason why I kind
(21:02):
of don't want to pursue this anymore. Well, it is
the reason why I don't want to pissue this anymore,
because I don't want to be with someone who prioritizes
their own sexual validation over my comfort on the very
first time we had sex.
Speaker 1 (21:13):
Also is for me a huge red flag.
Speaker 4 (21:15):
Sometimes you just need to reread your own like your
own message. And I think if you go back and
read what you wrote to us and think about it,
you literally said, he chose his own convenience over my
autonomy and my body. Yeah, that in itself, Like if
you reread that you wrote that, you feel that, I
don't think you would probably get past that if that's
how you feel, And I don't think you have to.
Speaker 2 (21:36):
Yeah, And I think in future, like like I said,
I don't want this to become about like victim blaming
at all, But I really hope that we get to
a point where we as women feel come to and
as men like it doesn't regardless, like if you're having
a sexual experience that you feel comfortable enough and not
awkward quote unquote to be able to communicate what it
is that you are and aren't okay with, especially with
(21:57):
someone who you've gone on dates with, you have great
conversations with, you are excited about seeing. It's not like
it was a one night stand and things, you know,
got fucking weird. Like I really do feel like this
is the perfect example of a time when you should
feel completely comfortable and confident in being able to say
what it is that you're okay with, and the fact
that you weren't able to do that makes me think,
(22:19):
like we really need to work on self esteem and
we really need to work on why is it that
we feel awkward about upsetting someone and not like laying
down what it is that we want when it comes
to sex and consent.
Speaker 3 (22:30):
Can I also just add in my little tidbit that
experience specifically of like insisting on protection being used, got
significantly more easy for me the more and more I
did it. Hundred is that it was something that I
felt a little bit uncomfortable about to start with. And
I know that, you know, especially when some of us
are young and kind of experiencing these things for.
Speaker 5 (22:50):
The first time, I felt like it was really awkward
and I was like, oh, you know, do you mind?
Speaker 3 (22:55):
Like you know, by the end of my dating experiences,
I was like, I literally remember saying you're not gonna
wear one, you can leave, Like if this is not
a conversation, I'm letting you know what I'm okay with.
It's just got so much easier as I kind of
practiced that.
Speaker 2 (23:10):
But for me, and I mean, I've had sex with
people with condoms, I've had sex with people without them, right,
And for me, I think it is a very clear
indicator of the type of person. Because for me, if
I was like, hey, put a condom on, if they
badgered me or were like ooh when it doesn't feel comfortable,
or had any sort of resistance to it, that to
(23:31):
me was like your flog hunt, like get out.
Speaker 1 (23:33):
Of my house.
Speaker 2 (23:34):
And it became easier to identify. And the people who
were like hey, cool, no problem, that to me spoke
volumes about the type of person that that man was.
Speaker 5 (23:42):
I even think to extend that the ones who would
bring it.
Speaker 1 (23:44):
Up with me first great guy.
Speaker 3 (23:46):
Yeah, it was like I was like, Oh, this is
someone who thinks about the future, who like actually considers
my needs and considers what makes me comfortable. Like I think,
instead of us feeling really awkward about this conversation, try
and flip it into I'm gaining more information about this person.
Speaker 5 (24:01):
It's a test what type of person they are, you know, in.
Speaker 4 (24:04):
My experience, and I'm not an ageist, and it obviously
works both ways. But my experience, everyone that ever tried
to assume or push no condom sex were young, like
the older I got in my dating relationships, like you
kish like, it was very easy for me to have
those conversations as time went on, but I found I
never used to have them as much the older I got,
(24:26):
Like I feel and I don't know what it is.
I don't know if it's this young mentality of I
don't know, like thinking themselves much. Yeah, I don't think
they do. I really don't think they do. And I
know that that is I'm not letting anyone off the hook.
And there is zero reason now with the level of
education that we have and how many people are talking
about it. But for me, that is what I found.
I found the older people got the less of a conversation.
(24:48):
It was. It was just like they got a condom maunt.
Speaker 2 (24:50):
That's interesting because I I mean, you know, I met
Matt when I was thirty one, so up until that
point I was dating. I don't think it necessarily changed
with age for me. I think it was a type
of per person for me. I don't have memories of
it being more significant when I was in my early
twenties verse in my early thirties.
Speaker 1 (25:06):
I feel as though for me specifically.
Speaker 2 (25:09):
It was a type of person and it also really
reflected how they viewed sex and like, yeah, a lot
of them had either watched too much porn or they
had like an impression of what sex needed to be like,
and it was let me tell you, it was never
enjoyable for me. So like, I think it's a pretty
clear benchmark of what that person is like. I hate
this one, this question, because I feel like we approached
it in the start of being like this is a
(25:30):
tricky one to answer. It's not tricky. It's really not tricky.
It's pretty black and white in existence. I think the
thing the reason why we're like it's tricky is simply
because a clear conversation could have been had upfront, but
that doesn't take or absolve him of any of the
responsibility of the things that he should have done when
it comes to consent, and he absolutely crossed a line.
Speaker 1 (25:50):
That's like, we're all in agreeance on that, Yeah, all right.
Speaker 2 (25:53):
Question number two, what do you do with an old
friend who used to talk to from time to time
suddenly unfollows you on Instagram after becoming an influencer. Now,
I went to primary school and most of a high
school with this person in a rural town. He was
probably my first childhood crush, and after high school he
was trying to make it big through YouTube, which I
supported along the way. He even messaged me saying he
(26:14):
was so grateful for my support. Then he started posting
different content which got him really recognized, but then he
unfollowed me and a whole bunch of his other school friends.
I still respond to his stories from time to time,
as he is constantly smashing massive goals in life to
do with his career. However, recently he's just gotten engaged,
which he posts on his stories, and it makes me
(26:34):
feel sad to think that he cut me off. I
want to tell him congratulations and that I am excited
for what the future brings for him. But every other
reaction to his story is just met with a thumbs
up or a love heart. What should I do? I'm
not sure how to move on because it comes into
my mind every time I see his stories.
Speaker 4 (26:52):
Oh, this one's like, I just feel like I need
to give you some tough love. Unfollow He doesn't care
about you. I mean that in the nicest way possible.
But your opening line was I had an old friend
who I used to talk to from time to time,
like talking to from time to time. He's already very sporadic.
That doesn't scream that it was a best friend, Like
(27:12):
I think I would be taking this a little bit
differently if you were like my best friend of forever,
but you only had this spraadic relationship with this person anyway.
And then he sounds like he's become somewhat famous, insta
famous or YouTube famous, whatever it is. His life is
growing and going in one direction, and it's amazing that
you're still like a supporter of that, and I think
that's really cool. It sucks that he's not giving you
(27:33):
anything back, and that he's unfollowed you or whatever he's done.
But we're different people when we're older, Like he's engaged,
he's got a different life. I know you had a
crushing when you were a kid, but like it's really
normal to go through your followers list who you're following
and unfollow people that are not big in your life
or that you for whatever the reason is. Like that's
(27:53):
a really standard thing, and it doesn't sound like you
guys were ever really that close at the start. I
feel really bad saying that, but I hate the losing
sleep because someone isn't giving you anything back when you're
giving them so much love and support, and this unreciprocated
love or attention is really hard and it's infuriating because
you're like, I'm giving you so much and you're giving
(28:14):
me nothing back. But you have to listen to what
he's doing, and he's giving you a thumbs up. We
know that's past aggressive. I would just be like, I'd
just be happy for him from afar, Like, to be fair,
I don't.
Speaker 2 (28:24):
Think he's giving the thumbs up to be passive aggressive.
I just want to say that I think it's a reaction.
I think it doesn't matter that he's an influencer, or not.
I think that people experience this in all dynamics of life,
right Like if you were friends with someone in high school,
you haven't seen them for a million years and you're
the only one replying to their stories.
Speaker 1 (28:42):
They never reply to you, and then one day they unfollow.
Speaker 2 (28:45):
You fucking unfollow them, like you're not friends with them anymore.
You guys don't have any anything. You don't have nothing,
Like you have nothing.
Speaker 4 (28:52):
You don't have nothing, you have gotten nothing.
Speaker 2 (28:54):
No, but you have nothing together. You don't share anything,
and that's okay. I think the thing is is like
you're torturing yourself about this friendship or you know, relationship
or whatever it was that existed back in the day,
because you're still plugged into his life. He is clearly
not plugged into yours. And I think in these types
of instances, we have to take control over the things
(29:17):
that upset us, and the best way of doing that
is to stop paying any attention to their life. Relationships
have to be reciprocal, and it would be different if
you were like, I actually am so proud of him,
Like that's so cool. That's a guy I knew from
school and he's doing so well. And I love keeping
up to date with the stuff that he's doing, and
I like being a fan or supporting him.
Speaker 1 (29:38):
That's a totally different thing. That's great.
Speaker 2 (29:39):
Like you know, I would say rock on. It doesn't
affect your life. But the fact that it upsets you
that you don't get anything back from him is when
I say, okay, well, then you need to take control
of the way that you feel. That's not his problem,
that's your problem, and you need to just unfollow and
disengage because he doesn't owe you anything. He doesn't owe you.
(30:00):
That sounds mean and maybe I'm coming across too harsh,
but he does not owe you that, and I think
we need to accept that sometimes people move on with
their lives and people live big and different and whatever
it is. Even if you have supported him throughout his
influencer journey, he doesn't owe you to continue that friendship
in any capacity.
Speaker 4 (30:20):
You have to remember in this situation, and it sucks,
but you are getting more of his life than he's
getting of yours, so he obviously doesn't feel that connection.
It just sounds like he's grown up and moved on
and that's where life evolves. And it sucks, but like
you can still be happy for him from Afar.
Speaker 2 (30:36):
Yeah, and also like I mean, look, Instagram for some
people is a job, like social media is a job
some people who maybe like you know, he's done this hustle.
He's using it as a platform that's for work. He
probably got to a point where he did a big
clean out and it sounds so mean, but it is.
Speaker 1 (30:53):
It's like a clean out.
Speaker 2 (30:54):
Of people that he followed that don't you know, benefit
or like do anything to this, you know, this job
that he's created. I don't know what type of influencer
he is, but maybe if you look through his influence
a following list that he follows, you know, in terms
of like who he is actually engaged with, it's probably
the brands he works with, or people who are of
a similar kind of influencer, or his family and very
close friends.
Speaker 1 (31:14):
He probably has that list small.
Speaker 2 (31:16):
So that way his feed is curated to the stuff
that he needs to and wants to see.
Speaker 1 (31:21):
He probably doesn't care.
Speaker 2 (31:22):
What you ate on a Saturday or what you know
your kid's are doing or your dog's doing.
Speaker 1 (31:26):
So that's why he's cleaned out his list.
Speaker 2 (31:28):
And I know it can feel really personal when that's
how we find out that someone doesn't actually care about
our life because it is personal, right, especially if it's
someone who you were friends with and there hasn't been
There hasn't been a breakup, there hasn't been a conversation
about it. It's just this slow fade and then all
of a sudden, a very clear indication that they don't
(31:48):
care at all anymore because you're completely removed from their
follower list. I understand that that can be hurtful, and
I say that because I've experienced it myself. There's people
who I was friends with from back in the day
who don't follow me, and I've gone to look at
I'm like, oh, wow, okay, you don't care about my
life anymore. Sure, they probably were over getting slammed by
Lady and a Cat, to be fair, But the thing
(32:09):
is is like, you can't take it that personally, because
if you haven't spoken to them, and if your lives
are not intertwined anymore, focus your energy and your thoughts
and the people who matter, on the people who are
part of your core friendship group and the people who
you really want to put your energy into, and don't
waste time on someone who is living a very different
(32:30):
life and is clearly using this as a work avenue
or anything else.
Speaker 1 (32:34):
I've just think you're going to exhaust yourself for no reason.
Speaker 4 (32:36):
And we also do need to take the influenced thing
away from this. I don't think it has anything to
do with that. Friends, normal people, people in a normal
nine to five people do this all the time. They
unfollow people that are not that hate the word relevant
in their life. So for anyone listening, it's still meaning,
though it is, it is so awkward about it. I
don't know.
Speaker 3 (32:56):
There's so many people that I haven't seen since I
was fifteen years old, or like, you know, the people
that when you're traveling or something and you meet them,
mean you become best friends for two weeks, and then
you are literally never gonna see them again in your life.
Speaker 5 (33:06):
I feel so mean unfollowing because I don't know.
Speaker 3 (33:09):
I'm too worried about the fact that they might see
that I've unfollowed and be hurt or offended by it.
Speaker 2 (33:14):
I think the thing is is I don't expect that
people will care. I guess maybe that's how I do
care though, Yeah, which just means that you're like, your
level of empathy is high, and I guess because, like,
you know, those people that I met when I was
traveling around Europe when I was twenty one, I don't
think that they care if I unfollow them. I think
that they've moved on with their lives. They're married, they've
(33:34):
got kids, They're so like, I'm too anxious.
Speaker 5 (33:37):
We're happy.
Speaker 4 (33:39):
I used to be like that, and I just recently,
because I traveled so much in my twenties, I went
through my list because people were popping up and I.
Speaker 1 (33:45):
Was like, who is that.
Speaker 4 (33:47):
I was like all the people who I went onto
their behage and was like, I genuinely do not know
who you are. And I scrolled back so far that
I was like, Oh, it must have been Argentina that
we met up waited a decade.
Speaker 3 (33:59):
I oh, you must have matched on a hinge somewhere, Yeah,
wherever I've lived, and I just never went on a
date with you.
Speaker 2 (34:05):
My lady in a cat account from Instagram. I didn't
have that pre Bachelor. I had to make an Instagram
page for the show because we were the first year
that had to post during the season being live on air.
But I was the only contestant that didn't have a
personal Instagram account. So I got made to open one
because it would have been too obvious had I not
have one and everyone else had one.
Speaker 1 (34:25):
So I feel like.
Speaker 2 (34:27):
I didn't have that burden of like having this big
backlog because I kind of like only followed the people
that were relevant. But even so that Instagram pages existed
for what like eight years now.
Speaker 1 (34:38):
There's been eight years.
Speaker 2 (34:39):
There's been people that have come into my life and
gone out of my life, And like, I don't think
it's necessary to hold on to every single person for
fear of offending anyone, Like, if that is what's going
to offend someone, then their tolerance for offense is so low,
Like we've got to have a bit of thicker sin.
Speaker 5 (34:54):
Something really weird happened to me the other day.
Speaker 3 (34:56):
There was a girl I worked with for like, oh,
it must have been three months back in twenty seventeen.
Speaker 5 (35:01):
I think it was.
Speaker 3 (35:02):
I had not thought about her since I have no
negative feelings about her, only positive. But the other day
these photos of her wedding popped up and I was.
Speaker 1 (35:10):
Like, who's that?
Speaker 3 (35:11):
And I was like, oh that person, Oh they got married.
I don't need to be following her.
Speaker 1 (35:16):
Then I was like, I.
Speaker 3 (35:17):
Can't unfollow her after her wedding post because although she's
gonna see her follow count go down, and that's like
the most awful reason to unfollow someone.
Speaker 5 (35:25):
But I don't know, like, do you know what I mean?
Speaker 3 (35:27):
I just feel like it there is a bit of
social etiquette or there's some type of connection of like
whether you care about that person still, And I know
it's not real, but I'm just too scared to offend
any But then you're also assuming that people sit at home,
some people have those accounts, and those people do. Yeah,
but then okay, if you have that account, can it
(35:48):
you do not need to be notified if Joe Blow
from down the street or ten years ago unfollows you.
Anybody that has an account that notifies them when there's
an unfollow is wild to me.
Speaker 4 (35:59):
There is nothing beneficial that can come from that.
Speaker 1 (36:01):
Yeah, it's like you're torturing yourself, Like.
Speaker 4 (36:03):
That's crazy that people want to know when there is
an unfollow.
Speaker 2 (36:06):
Yeah, but people do. It's I mean, yeah, I think
that that's a very real thing. People do track their
accounts and they know who they've got in their follower
list and.
Speaker 4 (36:13):
We'll take it off.
Speaker 1 (36:14):
That's my vibe.
Speaker 2 (36:14):
Yeah, I think it's I think it's a really bad
for your mental health. But Kusha, I do agree with
you this idea of a social etiquette. I absolutely think
it exists. And I also think you know, just to
be a bit softer on the person who's written this
question in for a second. The reason why you feel
so shit about it is because you were supporting all
throughout their climb in their success, and now it feels
(36:35):
like they've reached success and they don't need you anymore.
And I understand why that would feel kind of crushing
and a bit shit, But I guess the thing is
is you have control over the way that you feel,
and if you're getting nothing out of this person, stop
putting your energy into them. And that is kind of
what I mean by unfollow and take some accountability in this,
because unless it is causing you no distress to continue
(36:58):
to support from a far and be a fan, then
I think the alternate is just not worth the mental strain,
and so unfollow, get on with your life and like
know that they're off there doing their thing as well.
Speaker 3 (37:08):
I think that one more thing about that is that
it sounds as though you were really supportive and encouraging
of them, and you did that because maybe you were
friends back in the day and you thought that you
were just being a really encouraging friend. And so it
actually is quite hurtful to be like, oh, I was
a cheerleader for you, and then you're telling me through
this mechanism that I don't mean enough to you to
(37:28):
still be in your follow list.
Speaker 5 (37:30):
Like, that's actually quite a hurtful thing.
Speaker 3 (37:31):
I can understand why you're hurt by that, if you've
championed them and you had a friendship, you know, once
upon a time.
Speaker 5 (37:37):
But I agree with everything else you got.
Speaker 2 (37:39):
But also, do you think, like Hugh Jackman still has
his following every single person from school who watched one
of his movies, you know, or like, you know, told
him that he was doing a good I doubt it.
I think people move, People move through life, and they
move through phases of life, and maybe it isn't the
nicest thing, but I do think we have to take
some responsibility as well.
Speaker 4 (37:57):
Guys, Taylor Swift doesn't follow anyone. She's got two hundred
and eighty one million followers already. Anything, she's got important
people in a life. Shen'tvenolly Travis Kelsey's got a fake account.
Speaker 1 (38:06):
I reckon, Yeah, I reckon. She had friends at school
as well.
Speaker 4 (38:09):
She's got best friends. She doesn't fire them. I think
it's okay. Okay. This question was titled big baby. This
could be anything. I have a two and a half
year old daughter who has always been a quote big baby.
She was four point three kilos at birth and in
the ninety fifth percentile for height, weight, and head when
(38:31):
she was little. Now she wears a size four. Okay,
so she's two and a half in a size four.
I honestly don't even notice it except when I pick
her up sometimes, and she's a healthy and happy child. However, friends, family,
and strangers comment on her size all the time, like Wow,
she's so big, Oh my god, she's huge, constantly comparing
her height to their children, et cetera. I've even had
(38:54):
this Being tall is okay, but you also have to
be really skinny otherwise it's not attractive. That's cooked. Whoever
said that is absolutely cooked.
Speaker 1 (39:02):
It's also not true, so tell them shut up.
Speaker 4 (39:03):
Totally dicked. I guess my question is when the hell
did we become okay with commenting on a child's size
and weight, and how do I respond my partner and
I do sometimes make jokes about the side of her head,
so we can take a joke. This is my point,
but sometimes it goes too far.
Speaker 1 (39:21):
I love this question because I read this and I
was like, guilty of doing this? So am I Yeah?
Speaker 2 (39:29):
And I think it's because we think that when they're
babies it causes no harm. Like I think we're like, well,
they don't understand there are from their elbow or their
elbow from their ass, Like me being like, well, that's
a huge baby is not gonna upset the baby because
the baby doesn't know. But the thing is is there
is a cognitive switch that happens at some point with
kids where they start to no and they start to understand.
And so like when does that happen? Because we all
(39:51):
know that like body image and especially in girls like
that is created so young and it's repetitive messaging around
like wow, that's a really big baby or really big
child two and a half. That kid understands now, that
kid understands that they're big, you know, And as that
child hits three, they're absolutely going to understand that they're
being told that they're big constantly. So I would say, yeah,
(40:14):
I understand why you're at a point now where you're like, hey,
I think it's gone on too far.
Speaker 1 (40:17):
And also I don't think it's acceptable.
Speaker 2 (40:20):
I think people don't have an issue with talking about children,
like baby babies in terms of size, because it is
I guess the thing is is like before a baby's
even born, the conversation around measurement is a constant throughout
baby development, right, like you're constantly having your navel measured
and then being told that what percentile the child is.
(40:42):
Like Lola was in the ninety nine percentile for her
head when she was born, and we used to call
her melon head. There came a point where we stopped
calling her melon head because we were like, well, the
poor girl's going to know that we're talking about her
as though she's got a melon. She is still a
really big kid in comparison to Marley, Like if they're
side by side, they wear the exact same size clothes,
(41:03):
They are comparative in sizes, and Mali is almost two
years older than well, she's not, she's one year older
than Lola. But I do think that comes a time
where it's not acceptable, and maybe it shouldn't actually be
acceptable at all. But I think it's probably a hard
thing to stop people from commenting when babies are really little.
But at two point five, I actually think you can
start saying, oh, you know what, we don't talk about weight,
(41:24):
we don't comment on size two family and friends who
It has become so normal too, because I think it
is at a point now where your little daughter is
going to be able to register what is being said
about her.
Speaker 4 (41:35):
I absolutely do this. I do this all the time.
I do it to my nephew. My nephew is like
a giant baby. He's a really big, tall baby, Like
he's the size of a five year old and he's
two in a bit. And I think the reason that
people think it's okay to say it is because whilst
there is a correlation between how big you are as
a baby and what you end up as an adult,
(41:55):
it is not a direct or absolute predictor of how
big you are. You can be a giant and baby,
you can be like a little sumo wrestler and grow
up to be the smallest thing like. There is no
direct and absolute correlation. And I think that that is
why people are more lenient with making comments on babies,
because it doesn't mean as much like it's not with
(42:16):
a fence. Some babies are born with more fat Sherry's baby,
Maya's best friend, like, as a six month old was
born twice the size of Maya. Like, the difference is huge,
but that doesn't mean that they're going to grow up
and be like that. So I think that that's why
people have more leeway with it. But if you're uncomfortable
with it, you can absolutely say something. I mean, I'm
(42:37):
not in the position I can't comment from experience. I imagine
I probably wouldn't care that much until the child can
start to understand. Like as a newborn, I think it's
okay kids are born with fat kids, some kids are
born scrawny. But if you think that your child is
starting to understand, you absolutely say something like that is imperative.
Like the way that your child starts to consume information
(43:00):
is going to set them up for the rest of
their lives.
Speaker 1 (43:01):
Do you know what?
Speaker 2 (43:02):
Like when I say, like, I love this question, it's because, like,
I do recognize that I have a bias to this,
But then the more that I think about it, the
more I'm like, actually, it's pretty fucking cooked that we're
so fine with pointing out weight in kids because I
know that we can. We can come up with reasons
as to why it's fine and why like it's not
a big deal.
Speaker 1 (43:18):
They're a baby, it doesn't matter.
Speaker 2 (43:20):
But we live in a society where diet culture is
so ingrained in every single facet, like from like literally
from the time that kids even understand. We dress some
of it up as like, you know, too much sugar
or too much this, or more exercise or less of this,
but diet culture permeates everything in our society. And I
guess the thing is is you would think that as
(43:42):
a baby, they should be off limits, but we are
pretty laxed with commenting on babies because we think that
we can get away with it in the same way
that I think people are okay with commenting on pregnant
women's bodies because they think it's okay because well, you're
supposed to be big because you're pregnant.
Speaker 4 (43:57):
Yeah, but I think we're going to live in a
sad world. I understand what you're saying, But if the
day comes that you can't go to a little baby
and be like, look at these adorable roles, Look at
these leg roles. They're so cute if that day comes.
I think we're living in a world that is too censored,
Like it is okay to look at a little baby
that has these fresh, cute, little adorable roles because it's
not indicative of anything, and they do it makes you
(44:18):
want to eat them because they're so cute. Like, I
just feel like we're trying, we're getting into a time
of life where we're too offended over everything. And I'm
not talking about a kid. I'm not talking about a
child that's running around. I'm talking about a newborn.
Speaker 2 (44:30):
I guess what I'm saying, though, is Brita, is I'm
not talking about those examples of like, you know, adoring
a newborn baby that might be a chubby baby. I'm
talking about the instances where someone has a child who
is like statistically a very big kid and hearing things like,
oh my god, she's huge for her age, and that
following them through to a time of like absolutely having
(44:52):
the cognition to understand. And I guess the thing is
is like there has to be an age where that
is no longer appropriate, and that age is not set
in stone because we all know that we've got people
in our lives or strangers who don't have the same
social benchmarks or aren't able to read a room in
a way that's appropriate, and so like, if a little
kid's receiving this messaging over and over and over, maybe
(45:12):
it is something that becomes problematic or it is something
that we should just think about and be like, why
am I commenting on this two and a half year
old size? It's irrelevant, it's not really a conversation starter.
It's not something that this mum hasn't heard three hundred
fucking times before.
Speaker 1 (45:25):
Why am I doing it?
Speaker 2 (45:26):
And I know I mentioned it just before, but it
was something that I learned pre having my own babies.
And I remember a girlfriend of mine cast she came
over I think I must have been in my early twenties,
and she was pregnant. She's one of my sister's friends,
and she's really really little, and she was, you know,
in her last week's of pregnancy.
Speaker 1 (45:45):
She was very heavily pregnant.
Speaker 2 (45:47):
And it was probably the first time i'd really seen
someone who i'd been friends with who was at forty
weeks pregnant.
Speaker 1 (45:53):
And I remember being like, oh my.
Speaker 2 (45:55):
God, you are huge, and she was so offended, and
I didn't understand why she was offended, because in my
mind at the time, I was like, you're pregnant, You're
supposed to be huge. That's like point A, point B.
It would be weird if you weren't. But she was
really upset and offended by it. Now, being thirty nine
having kids myself understanding that, like, it is not a
(46:17):
linear thing. People have their own feelings about their bodies,
I now know that was a totally fucking inappropriate thing
to say. I would never say to a pregnant woman,
Oh my god, you're huge now, yeah, because it's absolutely
irresponsible to comment on someone's body. So maybe it's the
same lens that we should think about with kids. I'm
not saying that they have the same ability to process it,
(46:37):
and maybe we are being over sensitive whatever, But also
it's unnecessary.
Speaker 1 (46:41):
It's what I feel. I don't know.
Speaker 2 (46:43):
I genuinely had never thought about it before, and I
kind of like that. This made me think, Yeah, why
do we feel so fine with commenting on little kids' bodies?
And it is kind of weird that it's something that's
become so socially acceptable when we know we wouldn't do
it to anyone else. I think you can pull people
up on it. Then you know what, you'll feel really
uncomfortable doing it the first few times. Let me tell you,
(47:03):
they're going to feel way more uncomfortable, and it's going
to be a really quick way of stopping those conversations
just saying, oh, we don't talk about weight or you
know what, we don't talk about size, and that's all
you have to say, and then that person's going to
shut the fuck up and never mention it again.
Speaker 3 (47:17):
I feel like this conversation has done exactly that for me. Yeah,
because I would have done this. I just think it's
something that people I don't know if we're being trained
to say it or if we just think it's okay.
But now it's completely changing my perspective on it. Now
I won't say that to me same and most people
probably aren't offended by it. But the thing is is
we're making the assumption that it's not offensive, and for
some people it obviously is. And yeah, like I mean,
(47:40):
if people now were like, wow, Lola's got a huge
head in front of her, I'd tell them to shut up,
Like because she's too old.
Speaker 2 (47:46):
She's so old that she gets it, you know, like
she doesn't need to hear that stuff. Yeah anyway, Okay,
sorry that we really I went on a journey with
that one.
Speaker 1 (47:55):
All right.
Speaker 2 (47:55):
Last question, my friend wants to bring her daughter instead
of her husband to our wedding. We were meant to
be married on March seventh on the Gold Coast, but
due to cyclone Alfred, our wedding was swept away. We
have lost thirty five thousand dollars and we are now
in a legal battle with the venue and caterers. Don't
even get me started on that. Due to everything that's happened,
(48:15):
we have decided to have a bit more of a
low key wedding in Melbourne, as that is where I'm
from and most of my friends and family are there. Anyway,
I have two close workmates I invited to the wedding.
To be respectful, I also invited their husbands, even though
I don't know them very well. One of them is
coming along solo. The other one has asked if she
can bring her eighteen year old daughter instead of her husband.
(48:36):
And I've got to ask you, what would you do
if you're in this situation. Firstly, I want to say
you have given so many details that there's a good
chance they're going to hear this and know that that's them.
So just want to warn you that, Dear God, I
hope that when we answer this question they're listening.
Speaker 4 (48:51):
It's okay, it doesn't matter. She's already said no, so
it's fine. She said no. She wants to know she
did the right thing and what we would do. I
think you did the right thing. People taking the piss
with weddings these days. At the end of the day,
it's not a fortieth birthday where you're like, hey, do
you mind if I bring my daughter? You're like, yeah, cool, whatever.
This is your wedding, your most special day with all
the people that you love, like, and it's bloody expensive.
(49:13):
You've already lost money if you can save on a
one per person per head. But you don't want to
look around. And this is what I've had to try,
and I've had this discussion with Ben. You don't want
to look around at your wedding and not even know
who people are.
Speaker 1 (49:26):
Yeah, you don't want to.
Speaker 4 (49:27):
Look at someone You're like, who is that?
Speaker 1 (49:28):
I though, why are they here?
Speaker 2 (49:29):
I felt like that about partners, Like we were pretty
brutal on our invite list. We invited friends but didn't
invite their partners if we didn't know their partners. And
my benchmark for that was if you have been in
my life for X amount of years but I have
never met your.
Speaker 1 (49:44):
Partner, they're not invited.
Speaker 2 (49:47):
And one of them it caused an issue with one
friend because it was a partner that I mean, they
had a kid with them, so like that was pretty
brutal to not invite them. But my thing was, well,
I hadn't seen them in almost two years firstly, so
like I felt like they were lucky to be on
the invite list, which sounds I'm going to rephrase that
because we're felt lucky to be on the invite list.
But I was like, well, you're not at the top
(50:08):
of my invite list because you've not put in any
effort in the past two years.
Speaker 1 (50:11):
I haven't seen you.
Speaker 2 (50:13):
Yes you might be in a relationship, Yes you might
have had a kid in that time, but you have
not made any attempts for us to be a part
of that part of your life. And you're absolutely welcome
to come, but we don't want people here that we
don't know. Our rule was so long as one of
us knew, then it was fine. But if we both
didn't know someone, they weren't invited, and that was the rule,
(50:34):
and so that rule was applied to everyone across the board.
I think for this instance and like to answer something
very like simply invites to weddings are non transferrable.
Speaker 1 (50:44):
That needs to be the rule. It should be implied.
Speaker 2 (50:47):
It's not put it on your invites from now on,
if you've got a name on there, you can just
say invitations are non transferable.
Speaker 1 (50:53):
That's it. It's not like tixel.
Speaker 2 (50:54):
Is it like if you not resell the invitations when
don't invite other people to people's weddings, it's rude.
Speaker 4 (51:00):
Yeah, we've done the same thing. It's tricky with Ben
and I because there's loads of people in our lives
that we don't know of each other because we live
in different times totally. So we've had to bend the
rules a little bit. But we generally have exactly the
same blanket rule that you just said. I'll be meeting
a lot of Ben's people for the first time and
he'll be meet a lot of mine for the first time.
Is as long as one of us knows them, it's okay.
(51:22):
But there have been a few people where like just
say it's my person, like my friend or family member,
and I haven't even met there, like Ben hasn't met them,
but I haven't even met their partner, So both of
us don't know them, then they're not coming.
Speaker 2 (51:35):
I think they're the reason why yours is slightly different
Britain and I feel maybe a little bit differently around
the rules is because it's an overseas wedding, and I
think when you have people traveling, most people, obviously it
cost a lot of money to go overseas, people couple
it as a holiday, so they usually take their significant
other on holiday with them, which would require them to
just sit at home at the villa or whatever. Depends
(51:56):
on how many days the wedding is. It depends on
lots of things. I went to one wedding with my ex.
It's the only wedding I've been to where I didn't
know both people, and it was in Canada. I flew
to Canada with him, we were on holidays, and I
was invited to the wedding because he was like, well,
I'm not gonna fly there by myself and you not come,
And that was why I got the invite. Did I
expect it absolutely not. Was it so polite and kind
(52:18):
that they invited me totally? Our wedding was local. It
was not a big travel wedding. Yes, it was like
a couple of hours down the coast, but it was
relatively local. And I don't think it's a big expectation
to say we don't want people at our wedding that
we don't know.
Speaker 1 (52:31):
I think that that is a lot of people feel
the same.
Speaker 4 (52:34):
I do also think it's different. It depends how close
you are to the person, like and I hate to
say their rank, but a lot of people say, when
you do a wedding list, no they do, this is
like properly with them. Yeah, this is proper wedding advice.
It's more not ranking of like your favorite people, but
it's ranking of the most important. Like when you write
your invite list, you technically are supposed to start from
(52:56):
your inner circle. What category were we.
Speaker 5 (52:58):
We better you?
Speaker 2 (53:00):
Just if I do? Do you give them more wristbands
so they know where they sat you?
Speaker 5 (53:06):
Okay, you'll just be one in spirits.
Speaker 4 (53:08):
It's what they genuinely suggest is that you start from
your inner circle when you're writing your list, so that
if all of a sudden something happens. If you have
one hundred people in the list and you know that
your venue only allows ninety, I hate to say it,
but you go to the bottom and you work back up.
But if so, if you're like Keisha, if you had
just started dating someone and I didn't know who they were,
or not even just just hypothetically you've been dating them
(53:29):
for a year and I don't know who they are,
I would let you bring them because you are my
inner circle. And I think that that's different. Whereas if
it's a long lost auntie who you're inviting because they're family,
but you don't really see them, and they want to
bring someone you've never met, it's just different.
Speaker 3 (53:43):
The other factor that I think is important here, you said, anyway,
I have two close workmates.
Speaker 5 (53:48):
They already know someone who's done.
Speaker 3 (53:50):
It would be different if the person you would have
invited was the only person from your work they didn't
know a single person, and now that the wedding is
in Melbourne instead, they're not going to know anyone there
and they're asking, Hey, my husband can't come, but can
I bring my daughter? You know, that would maybe be
a little bit different. But they know someone who's there.
They'll be fine. I agree with both of you. You
did the right thing, absolutely transferable.
Speaker 2 (54:12):
It's so fine. Anyway, guys, that is it from us.
If you have any questions for Ask on Cut.
Speaker 1 (54:16):
And you want to slid on into the DMS, do
so because we might answer it on next week's episode.
Speaker 2 (54:21):
Also join the discussion group Life on Cut discussion group.
We've got YouTube. It looks fire. There's so many ways
to get into the Life on Cut vortex. Also, if
you love the episodes or you enjoy it every week,
go and leave a review if you haven't already, whether
that be on Spotify or on I don't think you
can leave a review on Spotify that you can just
comment on the episodes. You can leave stars star us
(54:43):
y Arch Please, I'm so sorry I said that. I
am embarrassed by myself. Just review, thank you.
Speaker 5 (54:48):
I'm not cutting that.
Speaker 1 (54:49):
I hate myself.
Speaker 5 (54:50):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (54:51):
On that note, Laura out, I'm out.
Speaker 5 (54:55):
See you, lady.
Speaker 2 (54:56):
Guys, shout friends and share the love, because luers out,
we have love. MHM.
This episode was recorded on cameragle Land.
Speaker 2 (00:12):
Hi guys, and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut.
I'm Laura, I'm Brittany, and this is ask gun can't
where we answer. You're deep, you're dark, and you're burning questions.
And I wanted to kick this off by saying, firstly,
we've all been in situations where we've received text messages
from someone that has made us absolutely fucking irate.
Speaker 1 (00:31):
I'm sure we have.
Speaker 2 (00:32):
I came across an article recently which has done a
study on like the most infuriating text message that you
could ever receive from someone, And one might think it's
being left on red and not getting a reply at all,
but it is, in fact just receiving the single letter K.
Speaker 3 (00:47):
I was thinking it might be a thumbs up I'm
as fucked, or react with a thumbs up like that's
as passag as it gets to me.
Speaker 2 (00:55):
I saw this and I thought it was so interesting,
not because I was like, oh, like, we should not
do this. I was like, you can weaponize this the
next time you're in a terrible fight with that toxic
X who just sent you this long message. Maybe they're
trying to get you back because they're a narcissists and
they can't handle the fact that, like there's an imbalance
of power. Now they're gonna send you this big, long,
soppy text about how they miss you and everything else,
(01:16):
and you're just gonna write back Kay.
Speaker 4 (01:18):
My mum loves a kay. She loves it, but it's
not passag for her. She just it's just her doing
the most minimal response to something like confirming I've received
a text, and she just writes a KAY.
Speaker 2 (01:31):
Personally, No, it's like, just put the O in there.
It's the same amount of minimal effort. Now it's less rude.
Speaker 4 (01:37):
It's actually technically double the effect. I am just not bubble.
Speaker 5 (01:42):
I Uh.
Speaker 4 (01:44):
The thumbs up trumps anything. The thumbs up to me
is like, oh fuck. Like if someone gives it to me,
I'm like they're pissed, Like they are proper piss Whereas
K can be ambiguous because K can be like Okay,
I've received it, or it can be super aggressive. But
for me, the thumbs up there's not a good way
to ever do it. It's always passive aggressive.
Speaker 2 (02:02):
That's interesting. So the thumbs up doesn't bother me. A
thumbs up to me is kind of similar to just
like love hearting the message.
Speaker 5 (02:08):
Above, I feel so differently.
Speaker 3 (02:09):
I know like the love heart is because I'll send
the heart, react to acknowledge that I've seen something. You know,
like even this morning, Laura, you were like, hey, there's
been roadworks. I'm going to be five minutes late, and
I just love heart, I love heart react to it.
Speaker 5 (02:22):
A thumbs up feels so passive to me.
Speaker 4 (02:26):
I don't mean the reaction of a thumbs up. I'm
happy if you react. Thumbs up to my text is
when you actually send it, like you send it and
it's in a follow up text. It's not the reaction.
Speaker 2 (02:35):
I know what you mean, but no, I am going
to be on the side of this research study that
is an absolute waste of time, money, and resources. But
I'm gonna say, kay, a k is far more passag
than a thumbs up.
Speaker 3 (02:46):
I feel really great that now I know that you
don't think a thumbs up i' like passag because as
my boss, I feel like that really could have been
misinterpreted by me and I would just be sitting there
writing with anxiety, being like, holy shit, what have I done?
Speaker 1 (03:00):
Because maybe it just stop sending thumbs up to people.
Speaker 4 (03:03):
You know. What's also worse is too is like if
someone has just sent you the text and you can
respond immediately, is just to start typing for ages so
that they can see the bubbles and then don't send anything.
It just mind fuck because I'll forever think that you're
sending this like really long response like oh my god,
what's going to be? Then you delete it and they
never know what it's going to be because sometimes they're
(03:23):
not knowing is worse than the knowing.
Speaker 2 (03:25):
Yeah, I sometimes think about it because like you know
or delete it. Yeah, that's because people what did you delete?
But you know that if that person's waiting on the
line for like a big message to come through, like
I'm thinking like exes, I'm thinking when you're in that
text battle war stage of like a breakup, they're sitting
there waiting for the message to come through. So you know,
if you send it and it's been one second before
(03:47):
you unsend it, they've seen it.
Speaker 5 (03:48):
You know.
Speaker 2 (03:49):
But this guy gets way too much airtime on this podcast.
I should stop talk about my exes. But the guy
I dated who displayed every quality of what you would
describe in a narcissist, but obviously hasn't been diagnosed, so
let's not you know, pseudo diagnose him on here. He'd
said to me, like, when we're at a happy point
in our relationship and things were fine. I remember having
conversation with him because he was talking about an X
(04:09):
and he had said that the most triggering thing you
can do to a person is to just ignore them,
like give the silent treatment. And he was describing how
he went through this with his ex, which should have
been a.
Speaker 1 (04:20):
Red fucking flag at the time.
Speaker 5 (04:23):
Read Flasha Laybook.
Speaker 2 (04:26):
Yeah, he did, and he would just say that he
would just go silent, just not reply, And then he
did it to me quite a few times when we
were going through like our you know that toxic disentanglement
or whatever you would call.
Speaker 4 (04:37):
It conscious uncoupling.
Speaker 2 (04:39):
Well, it wasn't even that, because it was so if
anyone has ever dated someone who is narcissistic and then
you have like researched it and read the playbook of
what narcissism looks like, like there is a step by
step playbook that that relationship will take. The stages are
so clear, and that was what we were going through.
Now in hindsight, I can see it, but when it
actually got to point where I was like, I am
(05:01):
done now, there is no coming back from this, and
I pulled myself away. I knew that not replying to
him would be the most triggering thing for him, and
he gave me those tools. So one day I just
woke up and I was like, oh, I get it now,
block and that was it. But let me tell you,
not only did that enrage him, Like I ended up
having to move house because he would show up my house,
(05:22):
he would show up my work, he would leave things
on my car like he did not take that. It
made him crazy because he lost control. Yeah, but it
is so true. I just took a real duck turn.
I had to move, so I don't know where the
fuck I lived.
Speaker 4 (05:34):
I've been on the receiving end of it, where I'm
the one trying to contact the person, like whether it's
like through a breakup or whatever, and then not responding.
It sends you insane because you end up just you
end up looking crazy because you've got like twenty five
texts that they're not answering, which is not on you.
But then you're like, I'm remembering this one moment where
you're like, fucking answer, me, like, just answer me, and
(05:57):
it's they just don't and it is the worst being
like silence is power.
Speaker 3 (06:01):
Quote unquote, he would say, no, message is a message.
My mum always says, you cannot misinterpret silence.
Speaker 4 (06:07):
Yeah.
Speaker 5 (06:08):
I use it now as more of a like weapon. Yeah. Yeah,
And now I'm on the other.
Speaker 1 (06:12):
Side of it.
Speaker 4 (06:13):
I did message Ben. I got angry about something the
other day, and it works better for us because we're
on a different time zone, so I know he's asleep,
so he's not necessarily going.
Speaker 1 (06:20):
To see it. Did you just thumbs up?
Speaker 4 (06:22):
No, This is how I know about the deleting it.
So I sent it to him. We use WhatsApp International obviously,
so I had sent him something. I was just angry.
I'd sent it something, put my phone down, walked away,
and then I was like, it wasn't intentional. I was like,
what good is this going to do? This isn't constructive
to the relationship.
Speaker 1 (06:40):
I like, I'm being a bitch, I'm being not nice.
Speaker 4 (06:43):
It was warrant, no election, it was warranted, but okay,
he missed the wedding meeting. Oh just didn't wake up
for it. And it wasn't in the middle of the night.
It was seven am. We said it for that time,
and he missed the meeting, and so I wrote a
message to him that was not It wasn't aggressive, but
was passive. I was like, it's cool, it's all right,
you know, I'll deal with it anyway. Like everything else.
(07:04):
It was like one of those.
Speaker 5 (07:04):
Kinds of anyway.
Speaker 4 (07:06):
But then I went back and deleted it because I
was like, he's tired, whatever, it's not the end of
the world. So I deleted it. And that's where I
discovered because he's like, what did you because it comes
up on WhatsApp it says message deleted.
Speaker 2 (07:18):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (07:18):
He was like, what did you delete? And I was like, well, nothing,
and he's like, you obviously deleted something. And that started
the conversation and I was like, this is where the
power comes from, the not knowing.
Speaker 2 (07:28):
But we're good guys. We made out, So that's fine.
Does Ben actually know what date the wedding is?
Speaker 5 (07:32):
Now?
Speaker 1 (07:32):
Has he come full circle?
Speaker 2 (07:33):
I did, B's organizing her own wedding for herself and
we will hopefully Ben attend.
Speaker 4 (07:39):
I just couldn't believe he didn't.
Speaker 5 (07:42):
No, he didn't want attend.
Speaker 4 (07:43):
He woke up five hours late. So I actually thought
I was going to send out a wellness check. I
was like, this is not normal, but he was like,
I was really tired.
Speaker 3 (07:52):
I was like, okay, okay, from all the wedding Plenty
hasn't been doing it exhausting, its not doing anything.
Speaker 4 (08:00):
No, we love him all right.
Speaker 2 (08:01):
Well, look, guys, let's get into vis I subscribed before
we start answering your questions.
Speaker 1 (08:04):
Britt, what is your vibe for the week.
Speaker 4 (08:06):
Okay, I'm going for a product. This has got to
be the makeup product I use that I'm asked the
most about forever, Like since I came to the public eye,
and I've used the same thing since I was seventeen
years old. My foundation. I always get asked what foundation
I use? And I swear by this foundation. But it
is a long wear So if you have like a
huge day, or you find that you put different foundations
(08:28):
on that maybe come off or look shiny, or come
off in patches, like sometimes they thin in different areas.
This is este lorda doubleware foundation. It's called double wear
because the idea is it's double the length of wear.
Speaker 5 (08:41):
It sticks like cement days on like spack filler.
Speaker 4 (08:44):
Guys, this thing I can get up in the morning
at six point thirty, put my makeup on, work all day,
then I can go home, go to the gym. It
could be nine o'clock at night I've had a sauna.
I come out and my makeup is still on. It
can't be good for cloging and pause. It obviously comes
off with makeup remover. I use it almost every day
when I have like a big long day or an
event or something. But it is the foundation for people
(09:07):
that do need something like for a really big long day.
Speaker 2 (09:10):
Can I just say, I know you use this, and
I many times have complimented you on your makeup, and
I have tried it and it didn't work for me. Like,
I feel like it's not a foundation that works when
necessarily everyone. If you're someone who like quite lacks a
matte finish, I feel like that's what it gives you.
Speaker 4 (09:24):
It's way more matt If you like Jewey, like Yukisha,
it's not for you.
Speaker 2 (09:28):
Yeah, I'm more of a Jewey foundation base, and like
I find it's too thick for me. I feel like
I look like I have too much makeup on, but
it looks amazing on you, So I do think that
it suits specific skin types better than others.
Speaker 4 (09:40):
I think also if.
Speaker 5 (09:41):
You've got a dry skin type.
Speaker 3 (09:42):
Sometimes, because I've had times where I've been on medication
where my skin has gotten really dry, I still have
estay lorda doublewar for things like weddings or like is
it going to events and that kind of thing. But
I will often put something jewey on the top of it.
But when my skin was dry, because it's a matte
foundation and it is drying, it was just not the
right combination. So I think if you've got like hydrated
(10:02):
or maybe oily skin, it could be.
Speaker 4 (10:03):
Better personally for me. The jewy, isn't it. The jewey
doesn't stay for me. It wipes off, it comes off
in patches. It must just be a skin beam. I
like to look like I've been dipped in oil. You
do you shine? Qisha water is your vibe for the week? Look,
it's not the most intellectual vibe. But I put this
on my bed a couple of weeks ago.
Speaker 3 (10:21):
I've had it for years, and I just thought, there's
got to be people out there that are just like me.
Speaker 2 (10:27):
If you tell me it's the leg cooling thing or
like a pregnancy pier, the.
Speaker 3 (10:31):
Knee pillow, is the best thing I've ever recommended on
this podcast.
Speaker 1 (10:34):
I saw it at a stray post the other day.
I wore it in. It was right there and haunting me.
Speaker 5 (10:41):
They have the.
Speaker 1 (10:42):
Best things at the post office. The post office is unhinged.
Speaker 2 (10:46):
It'll have salt and pepper next to like a neck
massage on it, next to like a Peter Rabbit plate set,
like you walk in there with not knowing what you're
gonna walk out with.
Speaker 3 (10:54):
I think we must go to the same post office
because that's exactly what mine has.
Speaker 1 (10:57):
It's every single one I see every.
Speaker 3 (10:59):
Post The buyer for the post office must have ADHD
because I relate to that deeply. The thing that I
would recommend to this week is an electric blanket. So
the one I pulled up because I've had mine for
a couple of years. I'm pretty sure it's like the
version of this one. It looks almost identical. This might
be like the newer version. It's the classic washable electric blanket.
This one's from Temple and Webster. It's fifty nine to
(11:19):
ninety nine. It has two control settings, so you've got
like either side of the electric blanket, so you put
this on top of your mattress, and then if you
want a mattress protector or whatever, you can put that
on the top as well.
Speaker 5 (11:30):
I don't sleep with this on.
Speaker 3 (11:32):
I know a lot of people are scared about electric
blankets because they're like, oh, fire hazard, blah blah blah.
I just turn it on for fifteen to twenty minutes
before I get into bed, and it is the nicest thing,
just like taken off my slippers and taken off my
dressing count and getting into an already warmed bed.
Speaker 5 (11:48):
I sleep with.
Speaker 4 (11:49):
I sleep with that last night. I sleep with an
electric blanket every night.
Speaker 5 (11:51):
Do you sleep with it on? Yep?
Speaker 4 (11:53):
I sleep with it on, but I put PAF on
and I keep half cold. I put it on low,
and I probably turn it off at like four am.
I just put my hand down the side of the
bed I'm half asleep, flick it off, and it's like
the perfect temperature. And then if you get too hot,
you can't do it because you share a bed. But
I live alone. I just like roll onto the cold side.
(12:13):
It's brilliant.
Speaker 3 (12:14):
That's really funny because Delilah slept over the other night
and I slept in this spare room with her and
I put it on for her and I could tell
that she really enjoyed it as well. So yeah, if
you are a bit of like a cold frog and
you tend to you know, when you get into bed
in the middle of winter and I know it's getting
colder now, and it's just it takes like ten minutes
for me to stop shivering because the bed's so cold,
and I'm like just heat already.
Speaker 5 (12:34):
This has completely gotten rid of that. So yeah, I
really really enjoy it.
Speaker 3 (12:38):
And if you are thinking that you might enjoy an
electric blanket, this one's a really reasonable price, well.
Speaker 1 (12:43):
Very timely coming into winter.
Speaker 2 (12:45):
Look, my recommendation actually comes from the Facebook group, and
we've been talking a lot about chat GPT recently, but
I'm just gonna lean in hard. So there was a
thread that was quite well received in our discussion group
Life and Cut Discussion group, if you want to go
and join it. And there are so many scams that
are out there these days, and there are some of
them that are very very hard to decipher as to
(13:05):
whether they are or aren't scams.
Speaker 4 (13:06):
Like so good.
Speaker 2 (13:07):
Literally every day you get fucking Australia Post or a
bank scam or whatever it is. It might be text
message form, or it could be in email form, but
they are getting better and better, and there's definitely been
times where I have even like, I've read it and
I've been like, I think it's real. And so, for example,
for us especially, we're always getting deliveries because of Tony
(13:28):
May through FedEx or through DHL, and so like I
often get them which are like, hey, you have a
DHL parcel that's waiting for you to pay customs clearance
on it, which I would get six or seven of
those messages or emails a week through Tony May anyway,
and I've started receiving the scam version of that, and
so it's really hard to decipher what actually is a
(13:49):
custom clearance and what isn't. I know that there's loads
of versions of this. That's just one example, but it's
one that I almost fell for recently. And somebody put
in the Facebook group that what you can do now
is if you get a text message that you're not
sure about, copy the message or copy the email and
pop it straight into chat GPT and ask Chat GPT
whether or not it is a scam, and it will
(14:10):
be able to tell you because it will be able
to see the email address, the links, the phone number,
whatever it is that's been attached to that that you've
been asked to contact. It'll be able to do the
research at the back end and tell you whether or
not it is or isn't a scam. I just thought
this was so incredibly helpful, and I've used it a
couple of times since I saw it in the Facebook group,
and there's been a couple of them that I was
so close or I was like, feels a bit iffy.
(14:33):
I'll wait until I get a follow up from them
before I actually action it.
Speaker 1 (14:35):
And now I don't have to worry about that. I
just pop it in.
Speaker 2 (14:38):
It tells me and off I go with my day.
So I think it's great chat GPT. I've been using
it for way too many things recently.
Speaker 4 (14:43):
That's sure.
Speaker 1 (14:44):
Mine is good. All right, let's get into your questions.
Speaker 4 (14:49):
Question number one. I started seeing a guy a few
weeks ago that I was genuinely into. We met on Hinge,
had been on a few dates and things were going
really well. He seemed really sweet and thoughtful, and he
even uber eached me me a panat all when I
mentioned that I have a headache.
Speaker 1 (15:03):
The height of romance and chivalry.
Speaker 4 (15:05):
I love that there are the things we take note of.
We'd had a lot of great chats, things were going well.
Fast forward to last week. He invited me over for
a wine in pizza knight. Now, one thing led to
another and we ended up having sex unprotected, which I
now regret, but I felt too awkward in the moment
to say anything. Then, without asking or even warning, he
finished inside me. I was stunned. He gave me a kiss,
(15:26):
got dressed, and didn't bring it up at all. I
just laid there in shock, pretending to fall asleep because
I didn't know how to respond. The next day, he
sent me a long message apologizing completely unprompted, saying it
was a split second decision and that he instantly regretted it. Now,
while I appreciate the apology, I can't shake the feeling
that this is a deal breaker. In that moment, he
(15:48):
chose his own convenience over my autonomy and my body.
I keep going back and forth in my head. Am
I overreacting? I'd love to know your thoughts, because as
much as I like him, I'm not sure I can
come back from something like this so early on.
Speaker 2 (16:03):
Ooh, Okay. Firstly, I have a lot of feelings on
this one. I want to be careful with how I
say this, because in no way am I trying to
shift blame or to shame or anything. But I think
this is a very good lesson for all of us,
that it's really important to have conversations upfront about what
(16:23):
you want and what you don't want. I hate that
you said you had sex without a condom, which you
then felt uncomfortable about. I hate that he's opportunistic. I
hate that he didn't think about you over his own
sexual gratification.
Speaker 1 (16:36):
I also hate that he knew.
Speaker 2 (16:37):
It was wrong because he did it anyway and then
thought about it and was like, hey, that sucked and apologized.
I get that he's apologizing, but to me, I'm like, well,
he already knew. He already knew that was a problem.
Hence why he needs to apologize to you. I understand
why you have the ick, and if it's not something
you could come back from, you absolutely don't have to.
There's plenty more fish in the sea, and there's plenty
(16:59):
more fish in the sea who are going to be
respectful enough to ask that question when they know that
that is problematic.
Speaker 4 (17:04):
Yeah, the biggest thing for me here is just saying
that you feel too awkward in the moment to say
put a condom on. That is like something that we
need to be talking about more. If like, no woman
should feel uncomfortable saying put a condom on. That should
be base level obviously for things like contraception, but also
STI is like, we know it. You absolutely never have
to do anything. And I know we've said that so
(17:25):
many times, but it still shocks me how many people
feel uncomfortable in a new sexual relationship to say that
they don't want to have unprotected sex, like that should
be like saying, hey, I have swy milk with my coffee, Like, hey,
can you get me a coffee with swim milk? Also,
I don't have sex without a condom. At the end
of the day, here, this is completely up to you.
It is your decision on how you feel and what
(17:46):
you know about him, and if you think you could
get past it or if you think you want to
get past it knowing that it is not consensual and
not okay. But you've said, I cannot shake the feeling
that this is a deal breaker and the fact that
you're uncomfortable about how so early on, that's what I
would take from this. I would think, there's plenty of
fish in the sea. You already don't feel right about it,
so the chance is you're never going to feel right
(18:08):
about it. It sort of has set the tone at
the beginning of a relationship of maybe what that relationship is.
So I would sit in the feeling and trust your gut.
If you feel like it is not right now, then
the relationship is not right for you and he's not
going to be the right person. That's what I think.
Speaker 2 (18:22):
Yeah, I come back to the fact that, like if
he sent an apology the next day, he knew that
it was not the right thing to do. So it's
not a case of like misinformation not being educated. You know,
sometimes there's some allowances for men not knowing the basis
of what constitutes consent, and I don't think that that
is a fair thing to grant him and this instance,
(18:44):
because he knew it was wrong and he apologized for it,
but I don't think the apology makes up for it.
I would say in my experience, and I mean, I'm
not going to say how many people I've had sex
with because it's relevant to the number. But I haven't
had an experience where a guy has not asked and
they have just done it anyway. And I think, like
considering the volume, I'm pretty bloody lucky. Like I don't
(19:05):
think that I've had a guy just completely ignored, not
give me any sign that it was gonna happen, and
if anything, just go ahead. Because the thing is is,
not only does he have to not give any sign,
he has to purposely not give any sign, Like you
know when someone's coming to climax, You know when someone's
about to come, like they give you many signals that
they're enjoying themselves. For you to be completely oblivious to
(19:26):
that is to me that he's actually taken steps in
disguising that so that he's able to come inside you.
Like that's what this screams of to me.
Speaker 4 (19:34):
I've definitely had people say like I'm gonna come like
they tell you, but get out of me. Yeah. But
then also it's like it's a split second later, like
that's not enough notice, do you know what I mean?
Like usually it's they're not giving you ten minutes notice.
Usually they're saying it like at the point of climax,
which which also like, cool, you just did it on
a technicality, but it's still not cool.
Speaker 2 (19:54):
Well, I also want to say for anyone who's confused
because consent has been this ever evolving conversation that we've
been having the last few years. But like, in terms
of the definition of what it is, consent must be
present every time, including for the duration of any sexual act,
and consent to one act does not mean consent is
given to any other act. Giving consent to having sex
without a condom does not imply that you're giving consent
(20:17):
to that person coming inside you. Now, I know that
there'll be people listening to this who are like, but
what about precom You can still get pregnant and all
that sort of stuff. Yes, that is true, you can,
and that is a risk that clearly the person who's
written in this question was maybe slightly uncomfortable with, but
was willing to take. It's a very different level of
risk to having someone full blown come inside you. Like
we all know that, I, for one, think if you
(20:41):
feel uncomfortable by this, there's absolutely no reason for you
what you feel uncomfortable, as you should, there's absolutely no
reason for you to pursue dating. The pool is not
that small. There's plenty more fish in the sea. And
I also think that it is an opportunity for you
to go back and be like cool. I appreciate the apology,
but I want you to know how not okay that
was with me. And that's the reason why I kind
(21:02):
of don't want to pursue this anymore. Well, it is
the reason why I don't want to pissue this anymore,
because I don't want to be with someone who prioritizes
their own sexual validation over my comfort on the very
first time we had sex.
Speaker 1 (21:13):
Also is for me a huge red flag.
Speaker 4 (21:15):
Sometimes you just need to reread your own like your
own message. And I think if you go back and
read what you wrote to us and think about it,
you literally said, he chose his own convenience over my
autonomy and my body. Yeah, that in itself, Like if
you reread that you wrote that, you feel that, I
don't think you would probably get past that if that's
how you feel, And I don't think you have to.
Speaker 2 (21:36):
Yeah, And I think in future, like like I said,
I don't want this to become about like victim blaming
at all, But I really hope that we get to
a point where we as women feel come to and
as men like it doesn't regardless, like if you're having
a sexual experience that you feel comfortable enough and not
awkward quote unquote to be able to communicate what it
is that you are and aren't okay with, especially with
(21:57):
someone who you've gone on dates with, you have great
conversations with, you are excited about seeing. It's not like
it was a one night stand and things, you know,
got fucking weird. Like I really do feel like this
is the perfect example of a time when you should
feel completely comfortable and confident in being able to say
what it is that you're okay with, and the fact
that you weren't able to do that makes me think,
(22:19):
like we really need to work on self esteem and
we really need to work on why is it that
we feel awkward about upsetting someone and not like laying
down what it is that we want when it comes
to sex and consent.
Speaker 3 (22:30):
Can I also just add in my little tidbit that
experience specifically of like insisting on protection being used, got
significantly more easy for me the more and more I
did it. Hundred is that it was something that I
felt a little bit uncomfortable about to start with. And
I know that, you know, especially when some of us
are young and kind of experiencing these things for.
Speaker 5 (22:50):
The first time, I felt like it was really awkward
and I was like, oh, you know, do you mind?
Speaker 3 (22:55):
Like you know, by the end of my dating experiences,
I was like, I literally remember saying you're not gonna
wear one, you can leave, Like if this is not
a conversation, I'm letting you know what I'm okay with.
It's just got so much easier as I kind of
practiced that.
Speaker 2 (23:10):
But for me, and I mean, I've had sex with
people with condoms, I've had sex with people without them, right,
And for me, I think it is a very clear
indicator of the type of person. Because for me, if
I was like, hey, put a condom on, if they
badgered me or were like ooh when it doesn't feel comfortable,
or had any sort of resistance to it, that to
(23:31):
me was like your flog hunt, like get out.
Speaker 1 (23:33):
Of my house.
Speaker 2 (23:34):
And it became easier to identify. And the people who
were like hey, cool, no problem, that to me spoke
volumes about the type of person that that man was.
Speaker 5 (23:42):
I even think to extend that the ones who would
bring it.
Speaker 1 (23:44):
Up with me first great guy.
Speaker 3 (23:46):
Yeah, it was like I was like, Oh, this is
someone who thinks about the future, who like actually considers
my needs and considers what makes me comfortable. Like I think,
instead of us feeling really awkward about this conversation, try
and flip it into I'm gaining more information about this person.
Speaker 5 (24:01):
It's a test what type of person they are, you know, in.
Speaker 4 (24:04):
My experience, and I'm not an ageist, and it obviously
works both ways. But my experience, everyone that ever tried
to assume or push no condom sex were young, like
the older I got in my dating relationships, like you
kish like, it was very easy for me to have
those conversations as time went on, but I found I
never used to have them as much the older I got,
(24:26):
Like I feel and I don't know what it is.
I don't know if it's this young mentality of I
don't know, like thinking themselves much. Yeah, I don't think
they do. I really don't think they do. And I
know that that is I'm not letting anyone off the hook.
And there is zero reason now with the level of
education that we have and how many people are talking
about it. But for me, that is what I found.
I found the older people got the less of a conversation.
(24:48):
It was. It was just like they got a condom maunt.
Speaker 2 (24:50):
That's interesting because I I mean, you know, I met
Matt when I was thirty one, so up until that
point I was dating. I don't think it necessarily changed
with age for me. I think it was a type
of per person for me. I don't have memories of
it being more significant when I was in my early
twenties verse in my early thirties.
Speaker 1 (25:06):
I feel as though for me specifically.
Speaker 2 (25:09):
It was a type of person and it also really
reflected how they viewed sex and like, yeah, a lot
of them had either watched too much porn or they
had like an impression of what sex needed to be like,
and it was let me tell you, it was never
enjoyable for me. So like, I think it's a pretty
clear benchmark of what that person is like. I hate
this one, this question, because I feel like we approached
it in the start of being like this is a
(25:30):
tricky one to answer. It's not tricky. It's really not tricky.
It's pretty black and white in existence. I think the
thing the reason why we're like it's tricky is simply
because a clear conversation could have been had upfront, but
that doesn't take or absolve him of any of the
responsibility of the things that he should have done when
it comes to consent, and he absolutely crossed a line.
Speaker 1 (25:50):
That's like, we're all in agreeance on that, Yeah, all right.
Speaker 2 (25:53):
Question number two, what do you do with an old
friend who used to talk to from time to time
suddenly unfollows you on Instagram after becoming an influencer. Now,
I went to primary school and most of a high
school with this person in a rural town. He was
probably my first childhood crush, and after high school he
was trying to make it big through YouTube, which I
supported along the way. He even messaged me saying he
(26:14):
was so grateful for my support. Then he started posting
different content which got him really recognized, but then he
unfollowed me and a whole bunch of his other school friends.
I still respond to his stories from time to time,
as he is constantly smashing massive goals in life to
do with his career. However, recently he's just gotten engaged,
which he posts on his stories, and it makes me
(26:34):
feel sad to think that he cut me off. I
want to tell him congratulations and that I am excited
for what the future brings for him. But every other
reaction to his story is just met with a thumbs
up or a love heart. What should I do? I'm
not sure how to move on because it comes into
my mind every time I see his stories.
Speaker 4 (26:52):
Oh, this one's like, I just feel like I need
to give you some tough love. Unfollow He doesn't care
about you. I mean that in the nicest way possible.
But your opening line was I had an old friend
who I used to talk to from time to time,
like talking to from time to time. He's already very sporadic.
That doesn't scream that it was a best friend, Like
(27:12):
I think I would be taking this a little bit
differently if you were like my best friend of forever,
but you only had this spraadic relationship with this person anyway.
And then he sounds like he's become somewhat famous, insta
famous or YouTube famous, whatever it is. His life is
growing and going in one direction, and it's amazing that
you're still like a supporter of that, and I think
that's really cool. It sucks that he's not giving you
(27:33):
anything back, and that he's unfollowed you or whatever he's done.
But we're different people when we're older, Like he's engaged,
he's got a different life. I know you had a
crushing when you were a kid, but like it's really
normal to go through your followers list who you're following
and unfollow people that are not big in your life
or that you for whatever the reason is. Like that's
(27:53):
a really standard thing, and it doesn't sound like you
guys were ever really that close at the start. I
feel really bad saying that, but I hate the losing
sleep because someone isn't giving you anything back when you're
giving them so much love and support, and this unreciprocated
love or attention is really hard and it's infuriating because
you're like, I'm giving you so much and you're giving
(28:14):
me nothing back. But you have to listen to what
he's doing, and he's giving you a thumbs up. We
know that's past aggressive. I would just be like, I'd
just be happy for him from afar, Like, to be fair,
I don't.
Speaker 2 (28:24):
Think he's giving the thumbs up to be passive aggressive.
I just want to say that I think it's a reaction.
I think it doesn't matter that he's an influencer, or not.
I think that people experience this in all dynamics of life,
right Like if you were friends with someone in high school,
you haven't seen them for a million years and you're
the only one replying to their stories.
Speaker 1 (28:42):
They never reply to you, and then one day they unfollow.
Speaker 2 (28:45):
You fucking unfollow them, like you're not friends with them anymore.
You guys don't have any anything. You don't have nothing,
Like you have nothing.
Speaker 4 (28:52):
You don't have nothing, you have gotten nothing.
Speaker 2 (28:54):
No, but you have nothing together. You don't share anything,
and that's okay. I think the thing is is like
you're torturing yourself about this friendship or you know, relationship
or whatever it was that existed back in the day,
because you're still plugged into his life. He is clearly
not plugged into yours. And I think in these types
of instances, we have to take control over the things
(29:17):
that upset us, and the best way of doing that
is to stop paying any attention to their life. Relationships
have to be reciprocal, and it would be different if
you were like, I actually am so proud of him,
Like that's so cool. That's a guy I knew from
school and he's doing so well. And I love keeping
up to date with the stuff that he's doing, and
I like being a fan or supporting him.
Speaker 1 (29:38):
That's a totally different thing. That's great.
Speaker 2 (29:39):
Like you know, I would say rock on. It doesn't
affect your life. But the fact that it upsets you
that you don't get anything back from him is when
I say, okay, well, then you need to take control
of the way that you feel. That's not his problem,
that's your problem, and you need to just unfollow and
disengage because he doesn't owe you anything. He doesn't owe you.
(30:00):
That sounds mean and maybe I'm coming across too harsh,
but he does not owe you that, and I think
we need to accept that sometimes people move on with
their lives and people live big and different and whatever
it is. Even if you have supported him throughout his
influencer journey, he doesn't owe you to continue that friendship
in any capacity.
Speaker 4 (30:20):
You have to remember in this situation, and it sucks,
but you are getting more of his life than he's
getting of yours, so he obviously doesn't feel that connection.
It just sounds like he's grown up and moved on
and that's where life evolves. And it sucks, but like
you can still be happy for him from Afar.
Speaker 2 (30:36):
Yeah, and also like I mean, look, Instagram for some
people is a job, like social media is a job
some people who maybe like you know, he's done this hustle.
He's using it as a platform that's for work. He
probably got to a point where he did a big
clean out and it sounds so mean, but it is.
Speaker 1 (30:53):
It's like a clean out.
Speaker 2 (30:54):
Of people that he followed that don't you know, benefit
or like do anything to this, you know, this job
that he's created. I don't know what type of influencer
he is, but maybe if you look through his influence
a following list that he follows, you know, in terms
of like who he is actually engaged with, it's probably
the brands he works with, or people who are of
a similar kind of influencer, or his family and very
close friends.
Speaker 1 (31:14):
He probably has that list small.
Speaker 2 (31:16):
So that way his feed is curated to the stuff
that he needs to and wants to see.
Speaker 1 (31:21):
He probably doesn't care.
Speaker 2 (31:22):
What you ate on a Saturday or what you know
your kid's are doing or your dog's doing.
Speaker 1 (31:26):
So that's why he's cleaned out his list.
Speaker 2 (31:28):
And I know it can feel really personal when that's
how we find out that someone doesn't actually care about
our life because it is personal, right, especially if it's
someone who you were friends with and there hasn't been
There hasn't been a breakup, there hasn't been a conversation
about it. It's just this slow fade and then all
of a sudden, a very clear indication that they don't
(31:48):
care at all anymore because you're completely removed from their
follower list. I understand that that can be hurtful, and
I say that because I've experienced it myself. There's people
who I was friends with from back in the day
who don't follow me, and I've gone to look at
I'm like, oh, wow, okay, you don't care about my
life anymore. Sure, they probably were over getting slammed by
Lady and a Cat, to be fair, But the thing
(32:09):
is is like, you can't take it that personally, because
if you haven't spoken to them, and if your lives
are not intertwined anymore, focus your energy and your thoughts
and the people who matter, on the people who are
part of your core friendship group and the people who
you really want to put your energy into, and don't
waste time on someone who is living a very different
(32:30):
life and is clearly using this as a work avenue
or anything else.
Speaker 1 (32:34):
I've just think you're going to exhaust yourself for no reason.
Speaker 4 (32:36):
And we also do need to take the influenced thing
away from this. I don't think it has anything to
do with that. Friends, normal people, people in a normal
nine to five people do this all the time. They
unfollow people that are not that hate the word relevant
in their life. So for anyone listening, it's still meaning,
though it is, it is so awkward about it. I
don't know.
Speaker 3 (32:56):
There's so many people that I haven't seen since I
was fifteen years old, or like, you know, the people
that when you're traveling or something and you meet them,
mean you become best friends for two weeks, and then
you are literally never gonna see them again in your life.
Speaker 5 (33:06):
I feel so mean unfollowing because I don't know.
Speaker 3 (33:09):
I'm too worried about the fact that they might see
that I've unfollowed and be hurt or offended by it.
Speaker 2 (33:14):
I think the thing is is I don't expect that
people will care. I guess maybe that's how I do
care though, Yeah, which just means that you're like, your
level of empathy is high, and I guess because, like,
you know, those people that I met when I was
traveling around Europe when I was twenty one, I don't
think that they care if I unfollow them. I think
that they've moved on with their lives. They're married, they've
(33:34):
got kids, They're so like, I'm too anxious.
Speaker 5 (33:37):
We're happy.
Speaker 4 (33:39):
I used to be like that, and I just recently,
because I traveled so much in my twenties, I went
through my list because people were popping up and I.
Speaker 1 (33:45):
Was like, who is that.
Speaker 4 (33:47):
I was like all the people who I went onto
their behage and was like, I genuinely do not know
who you are. And I scrolled back so far that
I was like, Oh, it must have been Argentina that
we met up waited a decade.
Speaker 3 (33:59):
I oh, you must have matched on a hinge somewhere, Yeah,
wherever I've lived, and I just never went on a
date with you.
Speaker 2 (34:05):
My lady in a cat account from Instagram. I didn't
have that pre Bachelor. I had to make an Instagram
page for the show because we were the first year
that had to post during the season being live on air.
But I was the only contestant that didn't have a
personal Instagram account. So I got made to open one
because it would have been too obvious had I not
have one and everyone else had one.
Speaker 1 (34:25):
So I feel like.
Speaker 2 (34:27):
I didn't have that burden of like having this big
backlog because I kind of like only followed the people
that were relevant. But even so that Instagram pages existed
for what like eight years now.
Speaker 1 (34:38):
There's been eight years.
Speaker 2 (34:39):
There's been people that have come into my life and
gone out of my life, And like, I don't think
it's necessary to hold on to every single person for
fear of offending anyone, Like, if that is what's going
to offend someone, then their tolerance for offense is so low,
Like we've got to have a bit of thicker sin.
Speaker 5 (34:54):
Something really weird happened to me the other day.
Speaker 3 (34:56):
There was a girl I worked with for like, oh,
it must have been three months back in twenty seventeen.
Speaker 5 (35:01):
I think it was.
Speaker 3 (35:02):
I had not thought about her since I have no
negative feelings about her, only positive. But the other day
these photos of her wedding popped up and I was.
Speaker 1 (35:10):
Like, who's that?
Speaker 3 (35:11):
And I was like, oh that person, Oh they got married.
I don't need to be following her.
Speaker 1 (35:16):
Then I was like, I.
Speaker 3 (35:17):
Can't unfollow her after her wedding post because although she's
gonna see her follow count go down, and that's like
the most awful reason to unfollow someone.
Speaker 5 (35:25):
But I don't know, like, do you know what I mean?
Speaker 3 (35:27):
I just feel like it there is a bit of
social etiquette or there's some type of connection of like
whether you care about that person still, And I know
it's not real, but I'm just too scared to offend
any But then you're also assuming that people sit at home,
some people have those accounts, and those people do. Yeah,
but then okay, if you have that account, can it
(35:48):
you do not need to be notified if Joe Blow
from down the street or ten years ago unfollows you.
Anybody that has an account that notifies them when there's
an unfollow is wild to me.
Speaker 4 (35:59):
There is nothing beneficial that can come from that.
Speaker 1 (36:01):
Yeah, it's like you're torturing yourself, Like.
Speaker 4 (36:03):
That's crazy that people want to know when there is
an unfollow.
Speaker 2 (36:06):
Yeah, but people do. It's I mean, yeah, I think
that that's a very real thing. People do track their
accounts and they know who they've got in their follower
list and.
Speaker 4 (36:13):
We'll take it off.
Speaker 1 (36:14):
That's my vibe.
Speaker 2 (36:14):
Yeah, I think it's I think it's a really bad
for your mental health. But Kusha, I do agree with
you this idea of a social etiquette. I absolutely think
it exists. And I also think you know, just to
be a bit softer on the person who's written this
question in for a second. The reason why you feel
so shit about it is because you were supporting all
throughout their climb in their success, and now it feels
(36:35):
like they've reached success and they don't need you anymore.
And I understand why that would feel kind of crushing
and a bit shit, But I guess the thing is
is you have control over the way that you feel,
and if you're getting nothing out of this person, stop
putting your energy into them. And that is kind of
what I mean by unfollow and take some accountability in this,
because unless it is causing you no distress to continue
(36:58):
to support from a far and be a fan, then
I think the alternate is just not worth the mental strain,
and so unfollow, get on with your life and like
know that they're off there doing their thing as well.
Speaker 3 (37:08):
I think that one more thing about that is that
it sounds as though you were really supportive and encouraging
of them, and you did that because maybe you were
friends back in the day and you thought that you
were just being a really encouraging friend. And so it
actually is quite hurtful to be like, oh, I was
a cheerleader for you, and then you're telling me through
this mechanism that I don't mean enough to you to
(37:28):
still be in your follow list.
Speaker 5 (37:30):
Like, that's actually quite a hurtful thing.
Speaker 3 (37:31):
I can understand why you're hurt by that, if you've
championed them and you had a friendship, you know, once
upon a time.
Speaker 5 (37:37):
But I agree with everything else you got.
Speaker 2 (37:39):
But also, do you think, like Hugh Jackman still has
his following every single person from school who watched one
of his movies, you know, or like, you know, told
him that he was doing a good I doubt it.
I think people move, People move through life, and they
move through phases of life, and maybe it isn't the
nicest thing, but I do think we have to take
some responsibility as well.
Speaker 4 (37:57):
Guys, Taylor Swift doesn't follow anyone. She's got two hundred
and eighty one million followers already. Anything, she's got important
people in a life. Shen'tvenolly Travis Kelsey's got a fake account.
Speaker 1 (38:06):
I reckon, Yeah, I reckon. She had friends at school
as well.
Speaker 4 (38:09):
She's got best friends. She doesn't fire them. I think
it's okay. Okay. This question was titled big baby. This
could be anything. I have a two and a half
year old daughter who has always been a quote big baby.
She was four point three kilos at birth and in
the ninety fifth percentile for height, weight, and head when
(38:31):
she was little. Now she wears a size four. Okay,
so she's two and a half in a size four.
I honestly don't even notice it except when I pick
her up sometimes, and she's a healthy and happy child. However, friends, family,
and strangers comment on her size all the time, like Wow,
she's so big, Oh my god, she's huge, constantly comparing
her height to their children, et cetera. I've even had
(38:54):
this Being tall is okay, but you also have to
be really skinny otherwise it's not attractive. That's cooked. Whoever
said that is absolutely cooked.
Speaker 1 (39:02):
It's also not true, so tell them shut up.
Speaker 4 (39:03):
Totally dicked. I guess my question is when the hell
did we become okay with commenting on a child's size
and weight, and how do I respond my partner and
I do sometimes make jokes about the side of her head,
so we can take a joke. This is my point,
but sometimes it goes too far.
Speaker 1 (39:21):
I love this question because I read this and I
was like, guilty of doing this? So am I Yeah?
Speaker 2 (39:29):
And I think it's because we think that when they're
babies it causes no harm. Like I think we're like, well,
they don't understand there are from their elbow or their
elbow from their ass, Like me being like, well, that's
a huge baby is not gonna upset the baby because
the baby doesn't know. But the thing is is there
is a cognitive switch that happens at some point with
kids where they start to no and they start to understand.
And so like when does that happen? Because we all
(39:51):
know that like body image and especially in girls like
that is created so young and it's repetitive messaging around
like wow, that's a really big baby or really big
child two and a half. That kid understands now, that
kid understands that they're big, you know, And as that
child hits three, they're absolutely going to understand that they're
being told that they're big constantly. So I would say, yeah,
(40:14):
I understand why you're at a point now where you're like, hey,
I think it's gone on too far.
Speaker 1 (40:17):
And also I don't think it's acceptable.
Speaker 2 (40:20):
I think people don't have an issue with talking about children,
like baby babies in terms of size, because it is
I guess the thing is is like before a baby's
even born, the conversation around measurement is a constant throughout
baby development, right, like you're constantly having your navel measured
and then being told that what percentile the child is.
(40:42):
Like Lola was in the ninety nine percentile for her
head when she was born, and we used to call
her melon head. There came a point where we stopped
calling her melon head because we were like, well, the
poor girl's going to know that we're talking about her
as though she's got a melon. She is still a
really big kid in comparison to Marley, Like if they're
side by side, they wear the exact same size clothes,
(41:03):
They are comparative in sizes, and Mali is almost two
years older than well, she's not, she's one year older
than Lola. But I do think that comes a time
where it's not acceptable, and maybe it shouldn't actually be
acceptable at all. But I think it's probably a hard
thing to stop people from commenting when babies are really little.
But at two point five, I actually think you can
start saying, oh, you know what, we don't talk about weight,
(41:24):
we don't comment on size two family and friends who
It has become so normal too, because I think it
is at a point now where your little daughter is
going to be able to register what is being said
about her.
Speaker 4 (41:35):
I absolutely do this. I do this all the time.
I do it to my nephew. My nephew is like
a giant baby. He's a really big, tall baby, Like
he's the size of a five year old and he's
two in a bit. And I think the reason that
people think it's okay to say it is because whilst
there is a correlation between how big you are as
a baby and what you end up as an adult,
(41:55):
it is not a direct or absolute predictor of how
big you are. You can be a giant and baby,
you can be like a little sumo wrestler and grow
up to be the smallest thing like. There is no
direct and absolute correlation. And I think that that is
why people are more lenient with making comments on babies,
because it doesn't mean as much like it's not with
(42:16):
a fence. Some babies are born with more fat Sherry's baby,
Maya's best friend, like, as a six month old was
born twice the size of Maya. Like, the difference is huge,
but that doesn't mean that they're going to grow up
and be like that. So I think that that's why
people have more leeway with it. But if you're uncomfortable
with it, you can absolutely say something. I mean, I'm
(42:37):
not in the position I can't comment from experience. I imagine
I probably wouldn't care that much until the child can
start to understand. Like as a newborn, I think it's
okay kids are born with fat kids, some kids are
born scrawny. But if you think that your child is
starting to understand, you absolutely say something like that is imperative.
Like the way that your child starts to consume information
(43:00):
is going to set them up for the rest of
their lives.
Speaker 1 (43:01):
Do you know what?
Speaker 2 (43:02):
Like when I say, like, I love this question, it's because, like,
I do recognize that I have a bias to this,
But then the more that I think about it, the
more I'm like, actually, it's pretty fucking cooked that we're
so fine with pointing out weight in kids because I
know that we can. We can come up with reasons
as to why it's fine and why like it's not
a big deal.
Speaker 1 (43:18):
They're a baby, it doesn't matter.
Speaker 2 (43:20):
But we live in a society where diet culture is
so ingrained in every single facet, like from like literally
from the time that kids even understand. We dress some
of it up as like, you know, too much sugar
or too much this, or more exercise or less of this,
but diet culture permeates everything in our society. And I
guess the thing is is you would think that as
(43:42):
a baby, they should be off limits, but we are
pretty laxed with commenting on babies because we think that
we can get away with it in the same way
that I think people are okay with commenting on pregnant
women's bodies because they think it's okay because well, you're
supposed to be big because you're pregnant.
Speaker 4 (43:57):
Yeah, but I think we're going to live in a
sad world. I understand what you're saying, But if the
day comes that you can't go to a little baby
and be like, look at these adorable roles, Look at
these leg roles. They're so cute if that day comes.
I think we're living in a world that is too censored,
Like it is okay to look at a little baby
that has these fresh, cute, little adorable roles because it's
not indicative of anything, and they do it makes you
(44:18):
want to eat them because they're so cute. Like, I
just feel like we're trying, we're getting into a time
of life where we're too offended over everything. And I'm
not talking about a kid. I'm not talking about a
child that's running around. I'm talking about a newborn.
Speaker 2 (44:30):
I guess what I'm saying, though, is Brita, is I'm
not talking about those examples of like, you know, adoring
a newborn baby that might be a chubby baby. I'm
talking about the instances where someone has a child who
is like statistically a very big kid and hearing things like,
oh my god, she's huge for her age, and that
following them through to a time of like absolutely having
(44:52):
the cognition to understand. And I guess the thing is
is like there has to be an age where that
is no longer appropriate, and that age is not set
in stone because we all know that we've got people
in our lives or strangers who don't have the same
social benchmarks or aren't able to read a room in
a way that's appropriate, and so like, if a little
kid's receiving this messaging over and over and over, maybe
(45:12):
it is something that becomes problematic or it is something
that we should just think about and be like, why
am I commenting on this two and a half year
old size? It's irrelevant, it's not really a conversation starter.
It's not something that this mum hasn't heard three hundred
fucking times before.
Speaker 1 (45:25):
Why am I doing it?
Speaker 2 (45:26):
And I know I mentioned it just before, but it
was something that I learned pre having my own babies.
And I remember a girlfriend of mine cast she came
over I think I must have been in my early twenties,
and she was pregnant. She's one of my sister's friends,
and she's really really little, and she was, you know,
in her last week's of pregnancy.
Speaker 1 (45:45):
She was very heavily pregnant.
Speaker 2 (45:47):
And it was probably the first time i'd really seen
someone who i'd been friends with who was at forty
weeks pregnant.
Speaker 1 (45:53):
And I remember being like, oh my.
Speaker 2 (45:55):
God, you are huge, and she was so offended, and
I didn't understand why she was offended, because in my
mind at the time, I was like, you're pregnant, You're
supposed to be huge. That's like point A, point B.
It would be weird if you weren't. But she was
really upset and offended by it. Now, being thirty nine
having kids myself understanding that, like, it is not a
(46:17):
linear thing. People have their own feelings about their bodies,
I now know that was a totally fucking inappropriate thing
to say. I would never say to a pregnant woman,
Oh my god, you're huge now, yeah, because it's absolutely
irresponsible to comment on someone's body. So maybe it's the
same lens that we should think about with kids. I'm
not saying that they have the same ability to process it,
(46:37):
and maybe we are being over sensitive whatever, But also
it's unnecessary.
Speaker 1 (46:41):
It's what I feel. I don't know.
Speaker 2 (46:43):
I genuinely had never thought about it before, and I
kind of like that. This made me think, Yeah, why
do we feel so fine with commenting on little kids' bodies?
And it is kind of weird that it's something that's
become so socially acceptable when we know we wouldn't do
it to anyone else. I think you can pull people
up on it. Then you know what, you'll feel really
uncomfortable doing it the first few times. Let me tell you,
(47:03):
they're going to feel way more uncomfortable, and it's going
to be a really quick way of stopping those conversations
just saying, oh, we don't talk about weight or you
know what, we don't talk about size, and that's all
you have to say, and then that person's going to
shut the fuck up and never mention it again.
Speaker 3 (47:17):
I feel like this conversation has done exactly that for me. Yeah,
because I would have done this. I just think it's
something that people I don't know if we're being trained
to say it or if we just think it's okay.
But now it's completely changing my perspective on it. Now
I won't say that to me same and most people
probably aren't offended by it. But the thing is is
we're making the assumption that it's not offensive, and for
some people it obviously is. And yeah, like I mean,
(47:40):
if people now were like, wow, Lola's got a huge
head in front of her, I'd tell them to shut up,
Like because she's too old.
Speaker 2 (47:46):
She's so old that she gets it, you know, like
she doesn't need to hear that stuff. Yeah anyway, Okay,
sorry that we really I went on a journey with
that one.
Speaker 1 (47:55):
All right.
Speaker 2 (47:55):
Last question, my friend wants to bring her daughter instead
of her husband to our wedding. We were meant to
be married on March seventh on the Gold Coast, but
due to cyclone Alfred, our wedding was swept away. We
have lost thirty five thousand dollars and we are now
in a legal battle with the venue and caterers. Don't
even get me started on that. Due to everything that's happened,
(48:15):
we have decided to have a bit more of a
low key wedding in Melbourne, as that is where I'm
from and most of my friends and family are there. Anyway,
I have two close workmates I invited to the wedding.
To be respectful, I also invited their husbands, even though
I don't know them very well. One of them is
coming along solo. The other one has asked if she
can bring her eighteen year old daughter instead of her husband.
(48:36):
And I've got to ask you, what would you do
if you're in this situation. Firstly, I want to say
you have given so many details that there's a good
chance they're going to hear this and know that that's them.
So just want to warn you that, Dear God, I
hope that when we answer this question they're listening.
Speaker 4 (48:51):
It's okay, it doesn't matter. She's already said no, so
it's fine. She said no. She wants to know she
did the right thing and what we would do. I
think you did the right thing. People taking the piss
with weddings these days. At the end of the day,
it's not a fortieth birthday where you're like, hey, do
you mind if I bring my daughter? You're like, yeah, cool, whatever.
This is your wedding, your most special day with all
the people that you love, like, and it's bloody expensive.
(49:13):
You've already lost money if you can save on a
one per person per head. But you don't want to
look around. And this is what I've had to try,
and I've had this discussion with Ben. You don't want
to look around at your wedding and not even know
who people are.
Speaker 1 (49:26):
Yeah, you don't want to.
Speaker 4 (49:27):
Look at someone You're like, who is that?
Speaker 1 (49:28):
I though, why are they here?
Speaker 2 (49:29):
I felt like that about partners, Like we were pretty
brutal on our invite list. We invited friends but didn't
invite their partners if we didn't know their partners. And
my benchmark for that was if you have been in
my life for X amount of years but I have
never met your.
Speaker 1 (49:44):
Partner, they're not invited.
Speaker 2 (49:47):
And one of them it caused an issue with one
friend because it was a partner that I mean, they
had a kid with them, so like that was pretty
brutal to not invite them. But my thing was, well,
I hadn't seen them in almost two years firstly, so
like I felt like they were lucky to be on
the invite list, which sounds I'm going to rephrase that
because we're felt lucky to be on the invite list.
But I was like, well, you're not at the top
(50:08):
of my invite list because you've not put in any
effort in the past two years.
Speaker 1 (50:11):
I haven't seen you.
Speaker 2 (50:13):
Yes you might be in a relationship, Yes you might
have had a kid in that time, but you have
not made any attempts for us to be a part
of that part of your life. And you're absolutely welcome
to come, but we don't want people here that we
don't know. Our rule was so long as one of
us knew, then it was fine. But if we both
didn't know someone, they weren't invited, and that was the rule,
(50:34):
and so that rule was applied to everyone across the board.
I think for this instance and like to answer something
very like simply invites to weddings are non transferrable.
Speaker 1 (50:44):
That needs to be the rule. It should be implied.
Speaker 2 (50:47):
It's not put it on your invites from now on,
if you've got a name on there, you can just
say invitations are non transferable.
Speaker 1 (50:53):
That's it. It's not like tixel.
Speaker 2 (50:54):
Is it like if you not resell the invitations when
don't invite other people to people's weddings, it's rude.
Speaker 4 (51:00):
Yeah, we've done the same thing. It's tricky with Ben
and I because there's loads of people in our lives
that we don't know of each other because we live
in different times totally. So we've had to bend the
rules a little bit. But we generally have exactly the
same blanket rule that you just said. I'll be meeting
a lot of Ben's people for the first time and
he'll be meet a lot of mine for the first time.
Is as long as one of us knows them, it's okay.
(51:22):
But there have been a few people where like just
say it's my person, like my friend or family member,
and I haven't even met there, like Ben hasn't met them,
but I haven't even met their partner, So both of
us don't know them, then they're not coming.
Speaker 2 (51:35):
I think they're the reason why yours is slightly different
Britain and I feel maybe a little bit differently around
the rules is because it's an overseas wedding, and I
think when you have people traveling, most people, obviously it
cost a lot of money to go overseas, people couple
it as a holiday, so they usually take their significant
other on holiday with them, which would require them to
just sit at home at the villa or whatever. Depends
(51:56):
on how many days the wedding is. It depends on
lots of things. I went to one wedding with my ex.
It's the only wedding I've been to where I didn't
know both people, and it was in Canada. I flew
to Canada with him, we were on holidays, and I
was invited to the wedding because he was like, well,
I'm not gonna fly there by myself and you not come,
And that was why I got the invite. Did I
expect it absolutely not. Was it so polite and kind
(52:18):
that they invited me totally? Our wedding was local. It
was not a big travel wedding. Yes, it was like
a couple of hours down the coast, but it was
relatively local. And I don't think it's a big expectation
to say we don't want people at our wedding that
we don't know.
Speaker 1 (52:31):
I think that that is a lot of people feel
the same.
Speaker 4 (52:34):
I do also think it's different. It depends how close
you are to the person, like and I hate to
say their rank, but a lot of people say, when
you do a wedding list, no they do, this is
like properly with them. Yeah, this is proper wedding advice.
It's more not ranking of like your favorite people, but
it's ranking of the most important. Like when you write
your invite list, you technically are supposed to start from
(52:56):
your inner circle. What category were we.
Speaker 5 (52:58):
We better you?
Speaker 2 (53:00):
Just if I do? Do you give them more wristbands
so they know where they sat you?
Speaker 5 (53:06):
Okay, you'll just be one in spirits.
Speaker 4 (53:08):
It's what they genuinely suggest is that you start from
your inner circle when you're writing your list, so that
if all of a sudden something happens. If you have
one hundred people in the list and you know that
your venue only allows ninety, I hate to say it,
but you go to the bottom and you work back up.
But if so, if you're like Keisha, if you had
just started dating someone and I didn't know who they were,
or not even just just hypothetically you've been dating them
(53:29):
for a year and I don't know who they are,
I would let you bring them because you are my
inner circle. And I think that that's different. Whereas if
it's a long lost auntie who you're inviting because they're family,
but you don't really see them, and they want to
bring someone you've never met, it's just different.
Speaker 3 (53:43):
The other factor that I think is important here, you said, anyway,
I have two close workmates.
Speaker 5 (53:48):
They already know someone who's done.
Speaker 3 (53:50):
It would be different if the person you would have
invited was the only person from your work they didn't
know a single person, and now that the wedding is
in Melbourne instead, they're not going to know anyone there
and they're asking, Hey, my husband can't come, but can
I bring my daughter? You know, that would maybe be
a little bit different. But they know someone who's there.
They'll be fine. I agree with both of you. You
did the right thing, absolutely transferable.
Speaker 2 (54:12):
It's so fine. Anyway, guys, that is it from us.
If you have any questions for Ask on Cut.
Speaker 1 (54:16):
And you want to slid on into the DMS, do
so because we might answer it on next week's episode.
Speaker 2 (54:21):
Also join the discussion group Life on Cut discussion group.
We've got YouTube. It looks fire. There's so many ways
to get into the Life on Cut vortex. Also, if
you love the episodes or you enjoy it every week,
go and leave a review if you haven't already, whether
that be on Spotify or on I don't think you
can leave a review on Spotify that you can just
comment on the episodes. You can leave stars star us
(54:43):
y Arch Please, I'm so sorry I said that. I
am embarrassed by myself. Just review, thank you.
Speaker 5 (54:48):
I'm not cutting that.
Speaker 1 (54:49):
I hate myself.
Speaker 5 (54:50):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (54:51):
On that note, Laura out, I'm out.
Speaker 5 (54:55):
See you, lady.
Speaker 2 (54:56):
Guys, shout friends and share the love, because luers out,
we have love. MHM.
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