Figuring Out Our 30s! Uncut with Bridget Hustwaite

We’re all aware of the societal pressures and expectations put on us to have achieved certain things by the time we reach certain ages, but what about the questions we ask ourselves when a new decade looms? Whether you have or haven’t ticked off the traditional expectations of buying a house, getting married and starting a family, it seems as though we are all collectively asking ourselves more questions about who we are and what we want to be as we reach our 30s. 

Joining the podcast today is Bridget Hustwaite. Bridget is a presenter, an author, a podcaster and a content creator. Going into 30, Bridget looked as though she had it all figured out: she was well established in her career, she was in a 5 year long relationship with aspirations to settle down, she was financially independent and had found purpose in her advocacy for endometriosis. And then shit hit the fan and the expectations of what Bridget thought her future would look like crumbled. 

Bridget has a brand new book coming out called “figuring out 30” and chats with us about all of the unexpected lessons we learn when we question who we really are and what we are led to believe we ‘should’ want. 

We speak about:

• The strange internal feelings we can get around milestones

• Going through a significant break up just before reaching 30 

• We all fear ‘starting over’. Is this the best it’s going to get? 

• Family dynamics and estrangement and how it shaped her understanding of herself

• The way people react when they find out that you aren’t in contact with your own family members vs how common it actually is

• Maternal desire. Figuring out the kid equation in your 30s

• How Bridget’s endometriosis affects fertility

• Can you be a feminist and support marriage?  

• What modern marriage means

• What it’s like reentering the dating world in your 30s

You can find more from Bridget Hustwaite on instagram 

You can pre order Bridget’s new book “Figuring Out 30” here!!

Bridget previously joined the pod for an episode about endometriosis 

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
This episode was recorded on cameragle Land. Hi guys, and
welcome back to another episode of Life. I'm Cut, I'm Laura,
I'm Brittany. Now we've spoken about it on the podcast
so many times around different decades of age or years.

(00:22):
I always say that my twenties were an absolute effing
shit show. They were just like the years where everything
seemed to go wrong and I don't know what I
was doing.

Speaker 2 (00:30):
Yeah, But then I always talk about the fact that
I hit my thirties as well, and I did not
have the life I thought I was going to have.
I was so single, I'd been dumped on the bachelogue,
I didn't have the white picket fans, I didn't have kids,
didn't know where I was going. And it's like this
idea that society says you've got to have your shit
together when you really just don't.

Speaker 1 (00:49):
Do you feel though, britt and I know this is
an intro, but we'll get into that in a second.
Do you feel like your thirties were better than your
twenties or do you feel like you're like, when did
you peak?

Speaker 2 (00:58):
Oh man, my twenties were'lyty Like I had great twenties
because I was in my twenties, I traveled to fifty countries.
I went like around the world with my sister, but
I was broke. And it's different now because now I
have more money because I've got more of a stable job,
but I don't have the time and freedom to go
and do and live the life I wanted. So I
think it's like it's a catch twenty two.

Speaker 1 (01:19):
Yeah, it's so interesting because I think that we can
approach new decades and especially real milestone birthdays like your
twenty or your thirties or whatever it looks like for you,
and be fearful about what it is to come. And
I do think that there's something very unique about the
decade of being in your thirties. It's the years where
a lot of us figure out our relationships. It's where
a lot of us figure out what we want in

(01:41):
our careers, or we've come into a little bit more autonomy.
But getting a better understanding of what that looks like
can be really frightening. We have Bridget Husway joining us
today on the podcast, and that is because Bridget has
written a book and it is called Figuring Out Thirty,
which is all about this topic. Something that we have
unpacked so many times in our own lives, and I

(02:02):
guess in some ways we're still figuring ourselves. Bridge isn't
familiar to the podcast. We've had her on before to
speak about endometriosis so long ago when we very first started.

Speaker 3 (02:11):
But Bridge, welcome back to the podcast.

Speaker 4 (02:15):
Thanks for having me. I'm so excited to catch up because, yeah,
the last time that we did speak about ENDO, that
was when shit was really kicking off for me. But
I was just in like book press mode for how
to ENDO, but all this kind of personal internal chaos
was happening, but I couldn't really tell you about it,
But now I can a couple of years later.

Speaker 2 (02:33):
Yeah, so for those that may have missed it, we
will link it in our show notes. But we did
do an entire episode with Bridget around endometriosis. And now
we are going to crack onto all the unexpected lessons
that you've learned and all about the book. But before
we do, you have shared previously a banging accidentally unfiltered
where you've vomited at you work Christmas party. But do
you have another one for us?

Speaker 4 (02:54):
I do well, the one that I thought of was
the most recent one that's happened, and in a nutshell,
it was telling Troy Sevann to go we wi and
it got captured on National Live TV, and it was
you go wee wee wee.

Speaker 3 (03:07):
Oh you just go do a wee wei.

Speaker 4 (03:09):
Yeah, I just said to him, you go we wei.
It was at the Arias just recently, and I know,
and I just decided to be like, go Toilee, toy,
like toy Savann. The cameras weren't meant to be rolling,
and they were. And then I watched the Arias back on,
you know, on Stan and that whole thing is in conversation.
He needed to go to the toilet. He just won
an Aria, and so we had him backstage, and you know,

(03:31):
we wanted to make it quick for him because he
was clearly needing.

Speaker 3 (03:34):
To pay past it.

Speaker 4 (03:35):
Yeah, and it was actually a bit of an extensive chat,
and so we try to wrap it up and then
I'm staring at the camera thinking that it goes off,
because you know, like when you're on TV and you
stare at it for a few seconds and everyone's just
walking around as if like we have just gone off air.
And I just turned to him and go, you go
wee wee and he's like, yeah, I go wheak wee
and walked off. Brigain made it to the broadcast.

Speaker 1 (03:56):
I'm more interested whether you said it satirically, like will
you try? Was it meant to be a joke or
is it just something that you would say in a
normal conversation.

Speaker 3 (04:04):
Yeah, got a.

Speaker 4 (04:05):
Normal conversation that was like so nurturing of me, But
I did not intend that to make the bra.

Speaker 2 (04:11):
Always my fear, like working in radio or TV or whatever,
when you have an aspect of being live, it's always
my fear that somehow it's gonna like when you're talking
in between breaks or whatever, that you're gonna go to
air like you need to really monitor yourself.

Speaker 3 (04:25):
See the mum vibes in me is just like there's
nothing wrong with saying we we. I'd be like, do
you mean to wipe your bum? Do you need? Do
you mean to wipe your bum?

Speaker 4 (04:31):
To me all the time exactly, But it was just
like such a professional, considered music chat going straight to
that and yeah, I don't know, don't trust anyone, don't
trust any producers, don't trust cage. No, it would be fine,
but like you just never know when the cameras are
still on, still rolling.

Speaker 1 (04:47):
I mean, we got the press release for your book
that kind of rolled across our desk, and Keisha literally
devoured the book at a weekend and was like, you
need to speak to bridget about this. And you know,
I kind of think about my like I said, I
think about my thirties, and I think about how they've
been such pivotal years for me, like so much change
has happened, but I also think they've been some of
the best years of my life so far.

Speaker 3 (05:09):
What was it about figuring out.

Speaker 1 (05:11):
Thirty or turning thirty that made you want to write
a book about it?

Speaker 4 (05:16):
Well, approaching thirty, I thought I had everything kind of
downpat So on paper, it looked really good that I
was hosting my own radio show, I was an author, yeah,
becoming an no, I was an author approaching every yet
that much yeah, already an author, approaching thirty five year relationships.
So felt like that was pretty concrete, I guess.

Speaker 2 (05:39):
Which is laughable now.

Speaker 4 (05:41):
Yeah, and I'm sure we'll get into that. But so
these things on paper, you know, financially independent, all looked
really good. But there was still just a very lingering
sense of unease about approaching thirty. It kind of built
up over the months, but as I was getting nearer
and nearer, and then there was just this one night,
middle of the night and ended up being four days

(06:03):
before I got dumped. Four days before that even happened,
I was up at like one am and just put
a notes entry in my phone being like, I don't
know what it is, but like, I'm freaking out about
turning thirty, Like why I have all of these things.
I mean, I'm not married, and I don't have kids,
and I haven't owned like my own pet yet. I'm
not sure if those are the things that are freaking

(06:24):
me out or I'm just getting this weird sense of uneasy.
And I don't know if that was a weird anticipation
of I guess what was to come. But it's a
really interesting thing because I don't think I was thinking
about it at all until just yeah, those very close
moments leading up to actually turning thirty, and you know,
being in lockdown was probably an interesting situation with it

(06:46):
as well, because I was kind of confined to this
apartment that I was living in with my partner at
the time, and I was feeling restless in that sense.
But then I kind of was looking around me, and
I guess more so from my friends back home and
Balorite being in like a regional area, there's people settling
down and some of my ex's friends were getting married
and stuff, and I just didn't feel like a grown up,

(07:08):
the kind of grown up that I thought I needed
to become thirty, there was definitely a gap between where
I was at and where I thought I should be,
and so that kind of catapulted everything. I mean, the
breakup was six days before How to Endoor came out,
and it was just freaking chaos. The year of thirty
was just such a huge transformative year for relationships, fertility,

(07:30):
even just looking back at family stuff and being like,
why am I the way that I am? It was
a really big personal debrief and also just thinking about
why are women in particular freaking out about this? And
why do we have the pressures with aging and you know,
the biological clock and this crazy sense of urgency and
can we please talk about it more.

Speaker 1 (07:50):
I definitely think that thirty as an age, it's kind
of like the first time that you become really conscious
of age, Like I don't mean my twenties, kind of
just like say o by. I never had a point
in my twenties where I was like, oh, I need
to think about these things. But it was the year
I also turned thirty that I was like, fuck, my
life is not where I thought it was going to be.

Speaker 2 (08:08):
It's because we as a society put that expectation on
and the fact that we just make thirty the benchmark
because it is a new decade where you are supposed
to have a little bit more responsibility, because everyone gives
you a bit of leniency in your twenties to be
like a bit.

Speaker 3 (08:22):
Of a mass, a bit of a waker, great.

Speaker 2 (08:24):
With your money, whatever it is, you get a hall pass.
But in your thirties you don't get as much grace,
I don't think. And also I think it comes from
I'd love to know what you think as well. But
thirty is crucial for women because we are told statistically
and scientifically biologically that our clock, our biological clock, is
slowing down. So that's just not a number that we've pulled,

(08:47):
you know, from anywhere society pulls numbers out of their
buttthole when it's like you should own a house by thirty.
But it's a little bit different when it comes to fertility,
because we know there is a clock. Do you reckon
you have any more insight now since you've done this
deep drive on your on for you specifically, do you
think that all of this uneasy and anxiety that you
felt that night, do you think that came more from
your own internal pressures or from society's pressures. Or do

(09:11):
you think maybe you felt a little bit unsettled because
you knew maybe something was about to change a few
days later, as you said, you got broken up.

Speaker 4 (09:17):
With Yeah, kind of all the above. I think, you know,
when I look back at my twenties, I was twenty
one when I started to be really career focused and
really striving to be a music presenter, and I got
my first time, my first full time gig in that
field at the age of twenty seven. So the thought
of kids was just never in question, nor was marriage.
I never felt any direct pressure from my parents or anything.

(09:39):
They've been amazing in that regard, like, I've never once
felt an ounce of pressure from them that I need
to marry someone, or settle down or have kids for
that matter. So I think there was I guess that
internal comparison. I think again, with lockdowns because we you know,
I was in Melbourne, so I was very confined and
once you kind of come out of lockdowns too, or

(10:01):
even when you're in the midst of it. There was
a really interesting thing that I read called the pandemic SKIP.
So it's kind of like, you know, you don't feel
like a lot of my friends turn thirty in lockdown
and you don't feel like you're that age because you
haven't been able to go out and experience, you know,
those last few years or months leading into your thirties.
But now you're kind of at that age where you

(10:22):
initially thought this is when I was going to have kids.
I mean, my mum had four kids under the age
of four when she was thirty two, and I'm thirty three,
and I just could not relate to that at all.
Like that terrifies me when I think about home ownership
as well. I mean, obviously cost of living is cooked,
so that was never a direct pressure. But I think
it's like a historical societal pressure because what we've seen

(10:45):
previous generations do, and I think, being like millennial women,
we've kind of been not the I don't want to
say we're the first, but where a generation where we
haven't been literally ticking off tick tick tick tick because
our parents, you know, we're going through that time where
they could begin women were beginning to be in the workplace,
But now we are very much in it.

Speaker 1 (11:06):
I think it's fascinating to me, though, because this is
such a universal feeling that so many women in their
thirties have.

Speaker 3 (11:12):
But the thing is, so many.

Speaker 1 (11:14):
Of us feel like this collectively, but so many of
us are not in you know, stable relationships or the
relationship that we thought we would be in by this time.
A lot of us don't have the jobs of the
careers that we thought we would have. And I'm not
sure if there is even though a lot more people
are talking about it, I don't know if we find
collective comfort in this, because I still think we compare

(11:34):
ourselves every day. On Ask Guncut, we get questions from
people who are all different ages, who say, like, my
life is just not where I expected it to be.
For you, going through a breakup, a really significant one
just before thirty, how did you grapple with that change
of identity from going from Okay, this is what I
thought life was going to be, and now I'm here

(11:56):
and I have to rebuild.

Speaker 4 (11:58):
Yeah, it's an interesting one. Yeah. Again, you realize that
space of where I was, where I thought I would be,
and I hadn't fully yet embraced I guess the idea
that those traditional markers of success didn't necessarily apply to
me in the way that I expected. I just didn't
know how to sit with that. And I think with
a breakup as well. I mean that was the first snowball,

(12:21):
and it was a very significant one at that because,
you know, despite it was funny, despite having such a
personality out there, being on Triple J and stuff, I
felt like my identity had really collapsed when that breakup happened,
and then going straight into book press mode too. Not
that I didn't have a chance to process it. I
kind of had a real game. I had no choice

(12:42):
but to kind of, you know, face it front on
and sign up for therapy, and you know, I really
made a conscious effort to make sure I was processing
things in real time. But I also didn't want it
to taint the success of my book and everything.

Speaker 2 (12:54):
Did you see it coming the breakup?

Speaker 4 (12:57):
Look, it should have happened four months before it happens.
So we had a conversation four months beforehand where I
actually came to him and said that I was feeling unhappy.
I was actually looking at getting my own rental, and
I think that was a pretty I don't want to
say a red flag, because it's.

Speaker 3 (13:12):
A pretty big red flag for a while, it's a
pretty five.

Speaker 4 (13:15):
Yeah, I think it's a red flag.

Speaker 3 (13:17):
For the red flag, but like, yeah, it really is.

Speaker 4 (13:20):
Especially when you're already living together. So don't want to
say that. You know, there are some relationships out there
where they don't live together for a really long time.
But for us to go from living together to me
now thinking about just having my own space again, and
I was really yearning a sense of independence, and again
lockdown probably amplified that, but I also was thinking, but

(13:40):
I was suppressing it so much because I was approaching
thirty that I was like, no, this is the one,
this is the relationship, This is the serious relationship after
my last youthful, reckless relationship, and we're approaching five years.
I think what we really struggle with at this point
in our lives, as we enter our thirties and throughout
our thirties even our forties for women, is the fear

(14:01):
of starting over. People we hear so much about fomo
and being left behind, and there's a very unique tension
between those. But it's something about the fear of starting
over that really terrifies women, and for good reason. I mean,
if you look at pop culture what we grew up
watching and how thirty was embodied. Bridget Jones, Rachel Green

(14:22):
calculating the timeline in Friends.

Speaker 2 (14:23):
That's Friends Laura. Laura doesn't watch Friends, so I'll just
break that down.

Speaker 4 (14:26):
Oh okay, well that's a good episode to start on. Yeah,
to be fair, I only started watching it in the
last like eighteen months.

Speaker 2 (14:32):
Blasphemy both of you.

Speaker 1 (14:33):
I think as well, this idea of starting again, it
is such a recurrent question that we get through our
ask gun cuts from our listeners. The fear of starting
again also comes from this fear of well, what if
I don't get something that's better than this, Like what
if this is as good as I either a deserve
or b I can get, Especially when you find people
who have found themselves in relationships that maybe aren't fulfilling,

(14:57):
but they're a nice person.

Speaker 3 (14:58):
They're not in a toxic.

Speaker 1 (14:59):
Relationship, they're just dating essentially someone that they've maybe outgrown.

Speaker 2 (15:03):
I think also tied into it. As another layer is
the sunk cost fallacy of well, I'm thirty and I've
already I've already contributed five six seven years of my
life to this person, Like I don't want to quote
unquote waste that time, Like what a waste that would
be to start again now. So I think it's like
aspects of all three.

Speaker 3 (15:20):
What did starting again look like for you?

Speaker 4 (15:22):
Well, I mean, so we were three weeks into a
new rental lease. We just moved into a new townhouse,
so we were on like a month to month kind
of thing, but we signed on this new twelve month lease.
Kept checking in with him throughout that whole process, being
like you sure you want to do this? Things were
kind of tense, I guess stress with that move. Also
in the lead up to the book. It's funny looking back,

(15:43):
you know, because we were literally sleeping back to back
in bed. There was no affection, so much distance, and
I just, I guess was also so caught up in
my book stuff that I didn't kind of clock it
at the time. So, you know, Dolly Olderton has used
a really great kind of analogy of sorts about this.
She said in her Life Lessons, like if you had
a big red button in front of you and if

(16:05):
you could press it, and you know, you get through
a breakup and all the practical things were no fuss,
like it was fine, don't even think about those things.
They would be taken care of if you could press
a button that allows you to do it. Would you
break up with this person? And if you're going if
you're saying yes, and it's like, well you got to
break up with them, because it's the practical aspect, and yes,
that whole starting over for me, it was you know,

(16:27):
having to find a new apartment to live in because
there was like no way I was going to stay
in this freaking townhouse that we just broke up, and
you know, those logistical things. It's also the unraveling of routines,
of relationships that you have with their family and friends,
the dividing of belongings. I mean, fortunately in our case
at least, like it could have been way more stressful
in the sense that we didn't have a pet, we

(16:48):
didn't have kids, we didn't have a mortgage, we didn't
have joint bank accounts. So in comparison to other situations,
like you know, it wasn't all bad, but it was
still fucking stressful, but we got there. Took time, but
it was not fun.

Speaker 1 (17:02):
Bridget you wrote in your book, the older you get,
the higher the stakes are. Can you talk a little
bit about what you mean by that in terms of
relationships specifically?

Speaker 4 (17:12):
Yeah, well, I think it goes back to that whole
fear of starting over and when you are in your thirties,
and even if you're in your forties as well. The
older you get, and you know, when I think back
to my first breakup, right, so I just had to
pack my toothbrush and get going. That was it. You know,
there really wasn't much to it. A couple of drunken
follow up pook ups in the months you know that

(17:33):
came and that was stupid, but there was no big
you know, it wasn't a big breakup. This was a
big breakup because there was five years of emotional investment.
I think the emotional investment side of things is very
underestimated at this period in our lives, because, as you
guys said before, when you're kind of thinking about I've

(17:55):
put so many years into this relationship and I don't
want it to be a waste or I've put all
of this in because I thought he was the one
and I definitely put my x on that pedestal of
being the one, you know, and he wasn't, but I
would I think I was so also just so scared
of failure, you know, and that the relationship wouldn't work

(18:16):
out and it should be working out at that age.
So I think that's a big part of it. The
higher the stakes. Again, it kind of goes back to
if you in the relationship and you're not sure, but
you're still cruising along and you are you know, you
get to that point where you might have kids, and
you have more of these practical things, and it just

(18:37):
makes the whole separation a lot more difficult for you,
if that makes sense.

Speaker 1 (18:44):
Yeah, And I love this, but I almost think it
has a time limit to it, because it's like the
older you get, the higher the stakes are. I would
say that for a woman, the higher stakes are kind
of in your thirties or in your forties. Yeah, And
for a lot of people who want children, once you've
gone past that window of fertility, that window of yes,

(19:04):
do I want kids?

Speaker 3 (19:05):
Is this the person?

Speaker 1 (19:06):
And a lot of relationship decisions in these years for
a lot of people, and I don't want to speak
for everyone, because there's loads of people who don't want
to have kids, but they're driven by this idea of like, Okay,
I can't waste time. The thing is is that once
you get to a certain age, you might be in
your fifties or your sixties, and I have friends who
are dating now in that age group, and they're like,
I have no time for bullshit because there's nothing that

(19:28):
keeps me wanting more with this person if they're not amazing,
Because what am I going to do? Spend twenty years
with some fucking loser and time seventy But they're not
gonna They're not going to like almost progress it as
quickly as they might have had they been in a
window when kids was part of this equation.

Speaker 4 (19:44):
Yeah, and I think a lot of people and it's
to no fault of their own, because again it speaks
to this wider societal pressure and the biological aspect. Sometimes
we get so caught up in trying to attain this thing,
and again it's the idea of it as well that
we will never kind of stop to think or question
even if the person that if this is the person

(20:05):
that we want those things with it's almost like a
you'll do, like, let's just get it done. I mean,
and I'm not saying that's the case for a lot
of people, but I know I've definitely been guilty of
having that kind of mindset, especially when I was twenty nine,
because I was starting to think about children. Then I
was actually thinking I was doing my own timeline. So
I was like, oh, you know, maybe thirty one, I'll

(20:26):
take maternity leave from the ABC and I'll stop doing
good nights for that year, and that's when we'll have
a kid. But I wasn't actually in a state or
ready to have kids, but I was just doing the
math there because I felt that deadline.

Speaker 1 (20:40):
And I know, I like I'm the one who made
it just about children in that kind of questioning. But
I do also think it pertains to other aspects, like
it could be about getting married and having you know,
because when all your friends and everyone around you seem
to be in happy relationships, they're getting married, or they're
moving in with their partners, all of these things kind
of shine a spotlight on yourself and you go, well,

(21:01):
why don't I have that or who is that person
that I'm going to do? Those things?

Speaker 4 (21:04):
With even career as well. Liked about career being scared
to quit or change industries at that age. It's all terrifying.

Speaker 1 (21:13):
Yeah, And it does come back to that idea of
what you said, Brute, like this idea of how much
time you've put into something is how much harder it
is to walk away from it entirely. You speak about
an interesting relationship dynamic that you have, and it's something
that a lot of people have to navigate. Is kind
of as we get older, figuring out what does that
relationship look like with our parents or also with our

(21:36):
siblings when we no longer have like a juvenile relationship
with them because we've got to be friends with them.
But we move into adults who can choose the relationships
we have. You know, in my life, like Matt doesn't
have a relationship with his dad. He made an active
decision in his thirties that he doesn't speak to his
dad anymore, and that's the relationship they have. But something
a lot of people might not know about you is

(21:56):
you have a twin mm hmm.

Speaker 4 (21:58):
Yeah, and it's rise as people because it's like not
only a sibling, but it's.

Speaker 3 (22:02):
A twin, you know, and you like the same person.

Speaker 4 (22:05):
We womb mates, you know. And I think because it
kind of stems back to that ideal or assumption that
you know, twins are the closest bond of all and
by no means my disputing that, because I've seen that
for pretty much all the twins that I do know,
except for my situation. My dad's also a twin. He's
got a twin sister, but also no contact, So estrangement
is a real Honestly, the topic of family dynamics and estrangement,

(22:31):
I think was the biggest one for me. You know,
once I got over the real bumpy bits of heartbreak,
I really was wanting to kind of I just had
this crazy curiosity. It's like, you know, when you're a
toddler and like you'll have this laura like when your
girls are like but why, but why? But why and
they're constantly asking but why. For me, when I was thirty,
I was just like why am I like this? Like

(22:52):
why do I, you know, regulate my emotions like this?
Or why do I stress like this? And how has
my both my parents had quite abusive upbringings. My dad
had a very abusive upbringing. His dad took his own life.
So I never met his dad. That was before I
was born, but it was kind of as a result
of this just awful upbringing that he was responsible for.

(23:15):
So there's just been a kind of a legacy of
trauma I suppose that has kind of trinkled through my
family web and coming to understand how that has influenced
me as a person, but also my familiar relationships and
why estrangement is just so big in my family, Like

(23:37):
estrangement is my normal. So I have a twin sister
and you know, she decided to essentially cut me off
would have been nine years ago, but then we briefly
had contact the year that we were thirty, and it
was looking promising that we were able to like, you know,
get on that path of mending the relationship. But then

(23:57):
she kind of cut me off again and it was
a very you know, I'm sure she has her reasons,
but it was a very devastating thing for me, like
to have this breakup and then a few months later
have this ghosting essentially twin sister. And it's a very
interesting thing to talk about, right because you want to
be to write about because I've wanted to be very

(24:18):
conscious of how I'm articulating it and to talk about
my feelings and my experience and kind of look at
this bigger picture as to what it means for estrangement
of family dynamic in a broader sense without exposing relatives
or making them feel like you don't want to air
dirty laundry.

Speaker 3 (24:36):
And it's half a story.

Speaker 1 (24:37):
You know, you can tell your side of a story
and your side as to why a relationship dynamic doesn't
exist anymore, but that only accounts for that version of it,
and not the reason why someone might have made the
decisions they've made. It's something that's prevalent, and I think
a lot of people as we get older have to
decide whether or not they want to keep family members

(24:58):
as part of their life. Could it could also be
because you know, you might have a challenging relationship with
a parent, and then you decide, well, do I want
this person to actually be a grandparent figure for my children.
There's so many parts of like relationship dynamics that have
to be figured out as you're older. And I think sometimes,
like when you're growing up, you kind of just get
dealt the cards that you get dealt. But then when

(25:19):
you're an adult, you get to choose the people that
you surround yourself with, and family looks different for different people.

Speaker 4 (25:25):
Yeah, and especially in the case of thinking about whether
or not I want to start my own family. For me,
I was like, I need to just figure out the
family that I've already got before I even think about
starting a new one. I just had this crazy curiosity
about it. And it's also kind of you know, a
really big part of growing up with this is coming
to that place where you're able to practice empathy for

(25:46):
the other person, for the other relative, because like you said,
there's always gonna be two sides, and like, I have
to respect, you know, I have to respect that from
my siblings and particularly my twin sister. It's having empathy
for that. But also so I suppose just not normalizing it,
but I just would love to have more conversations that
this is actually a really common thing. Not only is

(26:07):
it a very common thing for people to experience, especially
in adulthood, but it's not a decision that's ever made
lightly for anyone involved. You know, we don't just do
it for shits and giggles. And I mean you just
have to look at the queer community as a prime
example of you know, for so many of them not
being accepted by their family, and they want nothing more

(26:27):
than to be accepted by their family, but to protect
their well being, their boundaries and for them to feel accepted,
you know, sometimes they have to just cut off those tis.
It's never a decision that is easy, but for many
people it's just out of necessity. And that's just what
it is.

Speaker 2 (26:46):
So to be clear, you don't just have estrangement just
from you and your sister. All the three other siblings
that you have, they don't talk to your parents at all.
You're the only one of four siblings that have a
regular contact with your parents.

Speaker 4 (27:00):
Yeah. So my older sister, I think she is in
contact with them every now and then. But I'm like
the only only child who will go back, you know,
to say at their house. I have Christmas with them
every year. Yeah, it's the constant relationship. So and I
don't And I honestly, I don't even know if my
siblings talk to each other, Like, I just don't know.

Speaker 2 (27:21):
Do you understand why?

Speaker 4 (27:23):
I understand, I mean not fully my older brother and sister.
I understand from a broad sense of you know, when
we think about our upbringing, and you know, I mentioned
this in the book and prompted a difficult conversation with
my dad. So due to his abusive upbringing and how
I guess that kind of trinkled through to the way

(27:44):
that he was a father, he really struggled with regulating
his emotions, and we just remember him as really angry
and scary. And I think it just got to the point,
like I remember, you know, my twin sister never never
really got along with him and never wanted a relationship
with him. And I think for my older my older
sister moved out of home when she was seventeen to

(28:06):
go do journalism cadet ship and my brother I had
a conversation with them about nine years ago about how
I guess it had made him feel. And we've never like,
the last time we were all together was my twenty
first birthday party, you know, and I'm thirty three, so
I don't know, like I haven't sat down with them
to be like, all right, let's you know, hash this out.

(28:28):
I connected. I reconnected with my cousin who's in New
Zealand and is the daughter of my dad's twin sister,
who I haven't seen for gosh, nearly twenty years. I
actually connected with her the year I turned thirty because
yet me and dad had a bit of a blow
up and we had a zoom for like two hours,
and she told me about her upbringing because of how

(28:49):
her mum was, you know, in an abusive upbringing and
how that shrinkled to her parenting. And it's a really
big chapter in the book and it's very hard to
kind of tell it in a nutshell. But yeah, I
don't know if that opportunity will come about or if
there's even a desire to sit down with the siblings,
but again, it just has even though I don't know

(29:10):
their full perspective, you still and I may never will,
but you still kind of have to have that kind
of empathy and acceptance and kind of just focus on
how it's affected me and how I want to be
better out of it from my end, if that makes sense.

Speaker 1 (29:25):
It's such an interesting conversation to talk about, and we've
spoken to Sam Fisher on this podcast before, if anyone
who wants to go back and listen to that. We
had a really quite I mean, it was quite an
intimate conversation around how he chose to no longer have
a relationship with his dad. And I think unless you
come from a family where estrangement is a thing, it's

(29:46):
really hard to understand how you could ever get to
a point where you choose not to have a relationship
with either a parental figure or a brother or a sister.
And I think sometimes people think, well, there must have
been really bad abuse, must have been like, the abuse
must be so bad that it's unforgivable. And in some
cases that's absolutely the case. But in other cases, it's

(30:09):
a subtle yet consistent disregard for your boundaries or your respect,
and it's and I think as an adult, you get
to a point where you go, do you know what,
I no longer want to be disappointed by my parents.
I no longer want to be disappointed or devalued. And
so there's a choice that's made because you're like, it's
very considered, it's very hard, but you go, I will

(30:31):
be happier if I stop putting my happiness in you
actually showing up to this relationship in a way that's
helping for me. And unfortunately it is a choice that
some people have to make. And I know even for us,
like we had these really big conversations Matt and I
around when we had kids or when we got married,
because Matt's dad's never been a part of that and
the kids have not met him. And I was like, oh,

(30:54):
do do you think, like, you know, the kids, maybe
he should meet the children, and and Matt was kind
of like, I'm not doing that for me, and I'm
not doing that for them, so I'd be doing it
for you.

Speaker 3 (31:02):
And that's a weird thing.

Speaker 1 (31:03):
So yeah, it's a big conversation that absolutely permeates some families.

Speaker 4 (31:08):
And I think what makes it even harder is when
is the reaction from external people, you know, because.

Speaker 3 (31:14):
They can't understand it.

Speaker 4 (31:15):
Yeah, because we always view family as the sole centerpiece
of our life, and it's certainly true to an extent,
but it doesn't have to be the sole fulfillment, much
like just having you know, the one in a romantic sense.
But that's probably been the hardest thing for me, is
the reactions and because like, for me, it's my normal,
like I've accepted it, so I don't really know any
different for other people who here, like you have a

(31:38):
twin and wow, what's that? Like, what do you mean
you don't talk to your twin? And it's just like,
I mean, I don't know, and I think that's why
people really don't like talking about it, or they feel
a lot of shame, like it's their fault and that
they've failed in some aspect when it is more common
than what we think. And yeah, I really hope that
chapter in particular helps people, you know, open that dialogue

(32:01):
or just feel a little bit more seen and validated.
I mean, for me at least, writing it just again
prompted some difficult conversation with my dad because he and
Mum had to sign off on it, like you know,
they have to sign off on what you're saying, and
that wasn't easy, but I was and but Dad was
really good, and he was like, you know, if this
is important for you and like your growth and you know,

(32:22):
for your book, and like I'm happy for you and
I support it, and you know, this is great. But
it wasn't easy, and I felt sick that they had
to read it, and I had to be very careful
being like, again, it's not an attack or exposing you
or saying it's not a right or wrong again, it's
just coming back to how I've felt and coming back
to me understanding why I am the way I am

(32:44):
and what I want to do with that kind of
knowledge moving forward in my thirties.

Speaker 2 (32:48):
Do you feel like the relationship you have had with
your family and with your brothers and sisters has that
had any impact on whether or not you think you
want to go down the track of having your own family.

Speaker 4 (32:59):
Yeah. Absolutely, This whole dynamic has been probably a big
influence as to why I don't have a particularly strong
maternal desire at this point, because I do think about, like,
you know, they're not going to have contact with any
aunts and uncles. On my end, if I was to
have children with my current partner, Oscar, you know, he's
really close with his sisters and his brother and his mum,

(33:20):
So you know there's that side of the family which
is fabulous. But oh, it's been a huge part of it,
you know, just thinking about what kind of environment I
suppose I would want to bring a child into. And
when I look back, even growing up, me and my
twin used to say to each other like, because dad was,
you know, in conflict with his siblings, and mum cut

(33:42):
off her brother, and mum cut off her brother her
mum as well. I remember me and my twin saying
to each other like, oh, we're not going to be
like that, Like we will, you know, talk to each
other and we will have a relationship in adulthood, and
the exact same thing has happened, you know. Yeah, It's
been a big factor as to why I don't have
a particularly strong maternal desire at the moment, which in

(34:03):
some ways is annoying, but then it's not because it's
like I can't force it. And I know, I was
talking to some girlfriends on the weekend who are like
so freaking ready to be kid to have kids, and
they're just really, really eager, and I if I don't
have that energy, I'm not ready, Like I'm still leaning
in then section and I don't want to have one

(34:24):
just for the sake of having one. But then it's
also when you think about when you're older, and with
my endomitriosis, come that point where I do try to
conceive what's that going to look like? Is it going
to be easy? And will future Bridget look back on
past Bridget and be like you idiot, like you should
have But you can't live with that kind of mindset

(34:45):
or mentality, because this is how I feel in the moment,
at the time, and nothing's going to change that, and
I can't regret that, do you, Like, Yeah.

Speaker 1 (34:55):
It's so true, like the decisions that you make for yourself,
whether or not like there's no oh wait, no one
has a crystal ball.

Speaker 3 (35:01):
No one knows.

Speaker 1 (35:02):
But I think when you make decisions that I have
a lot of thought and have a lot of consideration
put into them, as it seems that you were doing.
I don't think you're gonna wake up when you're forty
or fifty or sixty and be like, Wow, I regret
that decision because it's an accumulative decision that has been
made many times.

Speaker 2 (35:19):
I disagree. I think you can one hundred percent regret
decisions down the track. You can't change them, but I
think you can be like, what, maybe I shouldn't have
made that decision.

Speaker 3 (35:27):
Yeah, but I mean maybe if it's like a one
off thing.

Speaker 1 (35:30):
But I think when you consciously setting your life up
in a certain way, what I mean is people who
make a conscious decision to not have children, there's already
enough fear mongering around you're going to regret that decision.
I don't know anyone who made a conscious decision to
not have children who has gone on to regret it
in their fifties and sixties. The only people who I
know have experienced that are people who really wanted to

(35:54):
have children but tried fertility treatments too late. That's a
different conversation. It's not around like consciously choosing to have kids.
But I mean, I guess everyone is different. But I
think people live with that fear enough. I don't think
that that fear needs to be driven home that like.

Speaker 3 (36:07):
You let regret it. People are aware. That's the whole
conversation is I.

Speaker 2 (36:10):
Disagree, and I disagree just because I'm in it. I
disagree because I don't know if I want kids or not,
and I constantly bounce between if I'm going to regret
not having them or if I'm going to regret having them,
Like my seesaw is teetering constantly either way, I will
feel regret because I'm not convinced of which way I
want to go. So I know that I'm going to
have that feeling. I'm hoping that changes very soon.

Speaker 4 (36:31):
Yeah, And I hope you get to a point where
it's like you can just be a bit kinder to
yourself and honor what you're feeling in that moment and
not blame yourself. I think we're so easy and quick
to blame ourselves in those situations. And I think in
terms of motherhood as well. There's a UK writer called
Ruby Warrington who wrote a fabulous book called Women Without Kids.
She talks a lot about the mummy binary and how

(36:52):
it's so black and white across society that if you're
not sure about having kids or it's a no, that
must mean you're like selfish or indecisive and just not
mature or whatever. But it really is a spectrum where
it's it's not a clear yes or no, and we're
all at different points of the spectrum. Like I'm bouncing
up and down, BRIT's bouncing up and down. And the

(37:15):
last thing we need to do is like beat ourselves
up about it. It's so fucking annoying.

Speaker 2 (37:22):
You're endometriosis, so just feel everyoney in and how does
that affect your fertility?

Speaker 4 (37:27):
So if we're going to go like a little bit
down the scientific biological ground, there's like a structural component.
So if you've got endometriosis just popping off down there,
and it's like a physical barrier or physically impairing the
environment in which the you know, the egg's trying to
like fertilize and do all that kind of stuff. So
there's that kind of aspect to the like inflammatory nature

(37:48):
of those lesions. I suppose can function impair the function
of both the egg and the sperm and then prevent
that you know, correct environment for it to kind of
you know, develop and have that implantation kind of stuff.
The structural issues again because if you might have ENDO,
like on your filopian tubes or whatever. There's also the
third one, which I love mentioning, is like painful sex

(38:11):
is like a very common symptom of ENDO. So if
you're gonna have painful sex, you're like less likely to
do it. So that's I guess another way, feel like.

Speaker 3 (38:18):
Avidence means I can't get pregnant.

Speaker 4 (38:20):
Yeah, essentially, but up to fifty percent of people with
ENDO will experience infertility. And it's just really annoying because
it's like, I'm not ready now, but what happens. Like
I went and got my you know that that AMH
test and stuff, and it was all looking fine, but
you just don't know until you go and try to conceive,

(38:40):
and anything can happen. I may be able to conceive naturally.
I kind of a feeling, you know, when you just
have a feeling that that's not gonna happen, or like
you know your body, Like I just have a feeling
it's not gonna be easy for me. Yeah, but that's
kind of where it's at. And you know, I want
to freeze my eggs probably in a year's time, so
when I'm you know, down the point t end of
thirty four heading thirty five. But you know, another spanner

(39:02):
for me is that, like I live in Perth right now.
I moved over here for my partner's work, so I
don't have any immediate network here. I wouldn't want to
have a child here. I don't know how long we're
here for depending on his work. So that's another conversation.
It's like, well, where am I going to freeze my eggs?
I'm going to freeze them in Melbourne? Am I going
to freeze them in Perth? How do you ship them
across a NULLI wall like, yeah, it's yeah, it's a

(39:24):
really it's a bit of a head fuck with the
fertility front, and your ENDO is just an added layer
to it with how it can affect it even happening
in the first place.

Speaker 2 (39:34):
You asked a really interesting question in your book, which
I find fascinating. You said, can a woman who's fought
for equality and respect against sexism and misogyny become a
bride or does that make them a walking contradiction.

Speaker 4 (39:46):
This was such a fun chapter. So this is all
about marriage.

Speaker 2 (39:49):
Yeah, because I'm getting married, yes this year, mid mid
next year. Sorry, And I feel the same. I feel
like you know the podcast. We are fighting for women's
rights constantly, We're always talking about feminism. Yeah, but I
can't wait to get married.

Speaker 4 (40:01):
At the same time, this was a very interesting thing
and a very fun thing for me to explore the
marriage chapter, So not only whether or not I want
to get married, but taking it a step further and
kind of leaning into that real curiosity that I've had
in my thirties of being like, why do I want
to get married? And how did this start? And what's
in it for me? So I dived into a real

(40:22):
rabbit hole of exploring the origins of the institution and
seeing how it has played across cultures over time, how
it has evolved. And I think that's a real privilege
to even sit and ponder whether or not I want
to get married, because in areas of the world people
are still being forced under the age of eighteen. There's
literally just news coming out now of Columbia that they've

(40:44):
been able to pass this law that makes it illegal
to be married under eighteen because one in four Colombian
women and girls were being married under the age of eighteen.
It's been like seventeen years of campaigning. So, like childbrides,
non consensual arranged marriage is that kind of thing. So
very lucky that we can even ponder whether or not
we want to and that our lives don't literally depend
on it. But yeah, I was just really curious to

(41:06):
kind of step into that discussion of you know, I
consider myself feminist, and I think there's with feminism there's
agency and choice. But with the institution like marriage, where
does that come into play? So I spoke to a
lot of well known feminists in Australia for their take,
and it was just so interesting because they're a feminists
who completely oppose it and want to abolish the institution,

(41:29):
and then they're a feminists who who are married, and
you know, who say yes, there is capacity to redefine
this framework and push it in that direction where it
works for you, and that it's about it's a personal choice,
and that it's a personal, you know, reflection of your
relationship and what your marriage means to you. And added

(41:51):
complexity is with marriage equality. And I remember reading a
book from a lesbian feminist who you would think, if anything,
that she would be the one who'd be like, like burn
it down, like you know, but she wanted nothing more
than to be married and is married. I think the
conversation of abolishing marriage for me is I can't help
but liken it to the gun laws in America, right,

(42:13):
Like we are so far in you're not going to
be able to just abolish marriage, right, so you have
to move it forward. And that's what we're seeing with
you know, in Columbia with these legal reforms and stuff.
Move it forward in a direction that is going to
benefit everyone. It's going to be equal and redefine it.
Like that's how all social and legal frameworks evolve over time.

(42:37):
But it is like it's a really tricky thing to
navigate because I've definitely had that kind of you know,
there's nothing worse than someone calling you like a fake
feminist or that like you know, you're not actually what
you claim to be when it's like I am. But
I also have a particular view about this, and I
do see the capacity for positive change and I love

(42:58):
people getting married and that I don't think that makes
me any less of a feminist. And so it was
really interesting to speak to feminists across the board on
the topic, but it was very respectful, And yeah, I
think it just will always come down to a differing opinion.

Speaker 3 (43:13):
I mean, it's an interesting debate, isn't it.

Speaker 1 (43:15):
But I think it's we're in a sad place when
we have to defend ourselves for being feminists if you
have made the choice to get married, and how that
somehow is a betrayal. And I say this because I
know that there is this real push at the moment
to be like, burn it to the ground. But I
think it's probably more important to acknowledge the privilege, the
privilege that we have to be able to choose what

(43:37):
marriage looks like to us, where we live and how
we live. That is a privilege that is not bestowed
on all women in all places.

Speaker 3 (43:45):
But certainly here in Australia.

Speaker 1 (43:47):
If you are able to have agency and choice, you
have the privilege to choose what does your relationship look
like and what does marriage mean to you?

Speaker 3 (43:56):
And not everyone can make that choice.

Speaker 1 (43:57):
And I think, you know, I look at my marriage specifically,
and I go, it is an incredible place of equality,
but not everybody has that option, and not everyone has
that choice once they enter into a marriage. And so
I think as much as there is the conversation around feminism,
there's a huge conversation around privilege that is linked into
it as well.

Speaker 4 (44:17):
Yeah, And I think that's why it's just so important
for me, like what I would like for me. It's
not about judging people who get married or people who
strictly oppose it, but I would love everyone to just
read into the origins, just to have the understanding and
then you make the decision, because again, it's that kind
of informed consent of like you knowing what you're signing
up for and what it has historically stood for. And

(44:38):
marriage is very complex because it has been so different
across time, across many cultures. I mean back nineteenth century,
I think it was Chinese women could marry dead bodies
and they would prefer to married dead body so they
didn't have to deal with an actual man you know.

Speaker 2 (44:53):
The thing is, though it's been completely redefined, and when
I get married, that does not make me not a
feminist anymore. And it makes me angry that there are
people out there that are putting such labels on people.
And you could do so much advocacy and work for
however long, and then you get married and it's like,
fuck you, you're not a feminist. I do not believe
in that. I do not believe we have to stick
to this stringent set of rules but define who and

(45:14):
what we are.

Speaker 4 (45:16):
I think it's important to remember that everything to this
day operates under a patriarchy. So in the sense of marriage,
I don't think, yeah, abolishing it, because everything operates under patriarchy,
so like you're damned if you do, damned if you don't.
In a way, but I think it is just yeah,
coming back to and we've again seen it with marriage equality,

(45:36):
that it continues to evolve at a rapid rate and
means something different for everyone. And I think regardless of
whether you're married, single, de facto Polly, as long as
the end of the day you can say that you
feel happy, fulfilled, secure, safe, whatever your relationship status, we

(45:57):
don't need to be tearing each other down. Yeah.

Speaker 1 (46:00):
Absolutely, which is also why I think it's such a
fascinating conversation around around how it links back into privilege.

Speaker 2 (46:06):
You know.

Speaker 3 (46:07):
We spoke to Elizabeth Gilbert who wrote Eat, Pray, Love.

Speaker 4 (46:10):
Yes and Committed.

Speaker 3 (46:11):
Yes and Committed is fantastic.

Speaker 1 (46:13):
It was honestly one of my favorite interviews this year,
and she spoke about the statistics of dissatisfaction and unhappiness
in married women and how married men are the most
happy version and the most like fulfilled they live longer,
but married women have shorter life spans. They're the most
unhappy and the most unfulfilled, and that just shows that

(46:33):
patriarchal dynamic and why one person is bearing the weight.
I mean, we all know the mental load and everything
else is so much greater for women. But it is
a very new time that we are living in where
women able to find partners who may be progressive enough
to not be total dickheads, and then they can to
find what that relationship looks like for them. But not
everyone has the opportunity to do that.

Speaker 4 (46:55):
Yeah, and her book Yeah Committed was such a great
read for my own on because Yeah, to kind of
pick up from where Eat pray Love left off, and
you know her and the Bali guy like I lost
his shit and I was like, oh my god. The
Bie guy like they both had previously been divorced and
they didn't want to get married again, but it kind
of came out of necessity for that immigration law for

(47:16):
them to live in America. So really great, really great read.
And I think, yeah, again just coming back to like,
if you choose to get married, as long as you're
doing it for the reasons that will benefit you. And
I mean even in our thirties, I've seen a number
of people get married because they feel like they have
to or they feel like it's going to solve their
relationship problems and be a really be a band day.

(47:38):
But it doesn't actually change anything. So it's not really
about for me at least the ceremony or marriage. It's
for all the days that follow. Like when we're talking
about relationships, you know, a marriage is not going to
suddenly fix everything, And I think, just yeah, we need
to be mindful of that, particularly in this period of
our lives.

Speaker 1 (47:55):
Well, I think that's sometimes we can look at it
as a token of security. You know that my relationship
is more secure because I'm married, but the reality is
I mean, I'm a product of multiple divorces. My parents
both got divorced, Dad three times, Mum twice. Like, a
marriage is only as good as the paper it's written
on if you're not making the commitment and your actual
actions in that relationship, you know, like it offers no

(48:16):
more security than a de facto relationship or anything else.

Speaker 4 (48:20):
Yeah, and that was an interesting kind of comparison to
be I guess some of the rights that you may
be granted just because you're married in terms of the
life admin stuff like for you know, the central link
as an example for differing like payments or benefits, how
that can differ to de facto and how we do
kind of see de facto as inferior. And also like

(48:41):
quickly just on divorce as well, you know that's not
a failing. Like I had a friend who got divorced
at twenty eight and at the same time she was
getting divorced, everyone around us was getting engaged. And she
went to her high school reunion and was like, she
wore the ring even though she was divorced, but was
so embarrassed to tell people. And that's another thing I
think it really important to highlight in this period of

(49:01):
our lives. So if you do find yourself getting divorced,
it's nothing to be ashamed of, and you know you
haven't failed.

Speaker 2 (49:08):
Like it's I have a friend getting divorced now for
the second time. That yeah, and she didn't want to.
She's like, oh, how do I start dating again? Saying like, hey,
I'm twice a forced already, and I'm like, who cares?

Speaker 1 (49:21):
You also don't have to tell them straight away, Like,
you don't have to tell them until you're like in
a committed relationship, you know, like even then, some people
may rush to get married and then find themselves in
relationships where they're like, fuck, this is not what I thought.

Speaker 3 (49:32):
It was going to be.

Speaker 1 (49:33):
Better to have divorces under your belt and be in
a happy and sustained relationship than be in something purely
because you've committed to it and spend the next ten
years of your life fucking miserable like that had What
a horrible life to live? Yeah, bridget coming from being
in this relationship, going through a breakup, and then having
to navigate dating in your thirties, which you know can

(49:54):
leave you feeling like like either and I don't want
to say desperate, but like I do think like when
I was in my thirties at the start, like fuck,
I went on the Bachelor cause I was like, oh,
my god, must meet a man. Like it worked out okay,
But you know what was that, Like what was the
period of getting back into dating when you kind of
felt like you had the plan figured out?

Speaker 4 (50:11):
Like for you, it was utterly confronting because when I
entered my previous relationship, Tinder was kind of just breaking through,
so we didn't have this dominant digital dating landscape. The
culture has entirely shifted since I was last single, So
it was really confronting in that sense of being like, oh,
it's like, you know, you can't really and again being

(50:33):
in lockdown, you can't just go meet someone out. It's
a very intentional thing to download an app, to create
and curate a profile, and to swipe and to initiate
conversations in that manner. It was very unnatural for me.
There was also and I'm mindful of how I say it,
but like you, guys will be able to relate when
when you have a somewhat visibility to your name. So

(50:55):
when I went into my last relationship, I wasn't on
Triple J or anything. I was nobody having like a
radio national radio show and you know, a small profile
but somewhat still visible, especially in a dating landscape in
like Melbourne or something. I was really self conscious. I
was really self conscious. And I hate saying it because
I don't want anyone to feel self conscious about it,
but I did. I hated seeing Bridget thirty as my profile.

(51:19):
I really didn't feel comfortable with it. I took my
time with it, and I was mindful of what I wanted,
and I think this is the important thing to be
mindful and aware and actually have that moment to think
what do I want to get out of this. I
wasn't looking for a new relationship for me. Actually, it
was just baby steps and little personal developments, so like
just to initiate a conversation with a guy, to reply

(51:40):
to their story on Instagram, and have a conversation.

Speaker 2 (51:42):
With a guy like fire flames.

Speaker 4 (51:45):
The heart eye amuji. But those things are really big
and scary for me at thirty, and I just had
to take it, you know, one step at a time.
And I ended up meeting my current partner on an
app about a year after this. Breakup. I mean, he
was my only dating app date and my only I
guess only blind date in the sense that I didn't
know him before I met him on the date, and

(52:08):
thank god it went well because I was kind of
getting not defeat, well, I guess I was getting a
bit defeated, like it's a rough out there. It is
rough out there. And to add on that extra kind
of insecurity that I wish we didn't have, but we do,
because again, how thirty has been portrayed, especially single and
thirty Bridger Jones has not been painted in a positive
light really, so it was it was hard, but I

(52:31):
got through it, and I think more so it's just
kind of coming to that understanding now that single time
that I had was so amazing in that no matter
what happens, and if a relationship doesn't work out, like
I know, I'll be fine, and I know that I'm
focusing on the right things, you know, getting fulfillment from
friendships and work and just just having like an even

(52:51):
spread and not putting my heart and soul and everything
riding on a romantic relationship. But yeah, it was very
sobering and confronting to enter that dating world, especially after
heartbreak when you've been dumped, because that really confirms, as
awful as it is, but in a way, it kind
of confirms you've been rejected by the person who knows

(53:12):
you better than anyone. And then it kind of confirms
any ounce of negative self talk that you have about yourself.
And you try not to let it happen, but it does.

Speaker 2 (53:22):
And your partner is five years younger than you. Yeah, Cooker,
I have zero issues because in the last ten years
I've only dated down. My partner now is significantly younger
than me. My ex was seven or eight years younger
than me. Have you faced like, I hate to say backlash,
but there are definitely stereotypes about women that do date
younger men. Did you experience that or did you feel

(53:43):
a bit wary entering into a relationship that was someone
that was still in their mid twenties.

Speaker 4 (53:48):
Yeah, I was very wary because lish like when we
were talking on I didn't know at the time it
was his twenty sixth birthday. That morning of his twenty
sixth birthday, I was pulling up to the fertility.

Speaker 2 (54:01):
Clinic to like so like the old freeze.

Speaker 4 (54:04):
Yeah, like we were just on. It was just so
funny like, and we didn't know at the time until
a little bit further down the track when we talked
about that day and I was like, oh, like, we
could not be more contrasting. But for a twenty what
is he now? Twenty eight? For someone five years younger
than me, Oscar's very very logical, headscrewed on. He's older
brother who's a year younger than me, is married with

(54:25):
two kids, so those kinds of conversations were never scary
or daunting or too much for him. He's also like
a professional athlete, so he has a very disciplined routine,
I suppose. But we also had really good character references
for each other from a mutual friend that we didn't
realize until that kind of popped up, so there was
never any fear of being judged. I suppose that he's

(54:48):
five years younger than me because he doesn't act like
it doesn't feel like he feels like he's my age,
feels like he's thirty three. I think there's definitely been
times in terms, and this is like for all relationships,
just when you kind of figure out each other's way
of communicating and how we navigate conflict and those kind
of emotional aspects that you can sometimes see a bit
of a difference. But I wouldn't say that's like a

(55:10):
total deal break, like those are just for me. Those
are just opportunities as all relationships should have, where you
can learn and grow and he can learn and grow.
Because yeah, I think if you're not constantly in that
kind of cycle of growth with your partner, then that's
a bit worrying. I don't know, like I always want
to feel like I'm learning from him or I'm learning

(55:31):
from myself in response to something that he may have
said or that I have said. Yeah, I mean, honestly,
the only annoying thing is when people find out what
he does and then I'm called a fucking wag. That's
annoying because it's like I am, like.

Speaker 1 (55:42):
I'm an author, goddamn ye feel exactly the same way.

Speaker 4 (55:45):
Yeah, and it's just really that's the only annoying thing
about our relationship.

Speaker 2 (55:49):
But well, you like, technically I am, because wag is
just a wife and girlfriend, so you're like, yeah, cool,
technically I am.

Speaker 4 (55:55):
But negative, we know how people are saying it, and
that's what really pisses me off. Like when I got
the Aria's co hosting gig. The headline was AFL wag
and I was like, that's really insulting to like the
twelve night never mind me being a music presenter for
twelve years doing it last year. I've literally seen Oscar
play three quarters of AFL and the three years that
were together totally go off on a wag, you know.

Speaker 2 (56:15):
Yeah, Bridget, thank you so much for joining us today.
Bridget's book Figuring Out Thirty is gonna be out January seven.
We're going to link all of the socials the book
in the show notes, so if you want to go
grab it. It is a brilliant read that I think
everyone should get around.

Speaker 4 (56:28):
Thank you so much. It was so nice to catch
up from where we last when we last left things.

Speaker 1 (56:32):
So much, so much has happened. Your absolute breath of
fresh air. And I know that so many people who
are in their trenches of their thirties or even like
approaching these years, we'll get so much.

Speaker 4 (56:42):
Out of this, I think so. Thanks gals,