Gen Z Could Never & Are You The 'Change' Or Acceptance Partner

Hey Lifers!
There’s brain fog and general chaos today.
We’re so excited for Tanya Hennessy with her pregnancy news. You can listen to our previous episode with her here.

If you’re in the dating world, are you video calling your potential dates first? If you are, is it to see whether you have a bit of chemistry/compatibility or is it to check they’re ‘real’ and not a bot?

We’d love your horror dating stories in our DMs.

Gen Z would literally probably die if they were forced to go clubbing in 2010. We shared some of our nostalgic memories of our club era and we wouldn’t take our jacket piles and grinding men back for anything!

Original video from @Marysantoracomedy

What nostalgic memories do you have from your 2010 club era?

Is There an “Effort Mismatch” in Your Relationship?

Are you the ‘change’ partner or the ‘acceptance’ partner?

We unpack the work of Dr Alexandra Solomon around “Effort Mismatch”. Usually this is caused by one partner being the ‘change’ partner and the other being the ‘acceptance’ partner.

We break down what the qualities and behaviours of each of the partners are and chat about which we think we identify with.
Original video from @baya_voce

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
This episode was recorded on Cameragle Land.

Speaker 2 (00:10):
Shut up, BI, guys, let's keep this shut up. I'm
starting it. Hey guys, and welcome back to another episod
of Life on. I'm Brittany, I'm Laura. We've tried to
do this so many times and we just keep telling each.

Speaker 1 (00:29):
Other shut up. Some days, some days things roll really
easy and we're so we're ready.

Speaker 3 (00:33):
Content is prepped. I mean to be fair, Keisha, the
content is prepped.

Speaker 2 (00:37):
We are.

Speaker 1 (00:37):
We're just not ready.

Speaker 2 (00:38):
We're not prepped internally. That's the problem. Sometimes you come
in here. I'm gonna blame for me.

Speaker 1 (00:43):
Personally the early starts. I wasn't gonna blame that. You
probably blame me.

Speaker 2 (00:49):
I'm going to blame Laura. No, I'm going to blame
my time in the month. It's only started happening in
the last few years, or maybe even the last year.
My periods have never affected my life, and they do now,
Like I I feel like I get brain fog, gets
so fatigued now like a couple of years ago, wouldn't
have even known.

Speaker 1 (01:05):
Do you think it's because you're off the pill? Now
it will've been off the pill for four years. She's like,
I can't remember. Yes, so what that does make sense?

Speaker 2 (01:13):
But no, everything changed off the pill four years ago,
but I wasn't affected to this point, like my emotions
and everything. Word, this is where I like, I get
brain fog and I can't find my words and stuff,
and it's only that few days before my period.

Speaker 3 (01:24):
I do wonder if anyone else gets that that's a
real problem when we work in an audio medium.

Speaker 2 (01:29):
I mean, hey, you get it every time you're pregnant,
and you're always pregnant. Don't you go on for me
my three days a month, my three.

Speaker 1 (01:38):
Years of my life back to bad since.

Speaker 2 (01:40):
We started, since the day we started the podcast, you've
been up the dark or breast.

Speaker 1 (01:45):
I think I've been Actually, statistically, I'm just doing the masks.
I've been pregnant three times.

Speaker 3 (01:53):
Statistically, I've had babies, been doing the podcast for six years.
I've almost been pregnant for the same amount of time
that I haven't been pregnant. Because when if you include
I mean there's a big grim, but if you include
the miscarriages in there and the time that I was
pregnant with those as well, yeah.

Speaker 1 (02:07):
It all equates to like half lots a lot of pregnancy.
That's a lot of pregnancy brain go me.

Speaker 2 (02:13):
I did well, yeah, yeah, Keisha, And I also know
that that's how long it's been.

Speaker 3 (02:18):
You're like, when are you going to take a pay reduction?
You're only ever working at half blasts because you're like.

Speaker 2 (02:25):
Oh, sorry, guys, I can't think. My brain FuG And
I'm like, yea, we know, we got it. Yeah.

Speaker 1 (02:29):
Do you know what though? This?

Speaker 3 (02:30):
And I think I've said this before, I'll say it
again in case I'm repeating with.

Speaker 2 (02:35):
In case you don't know, my baby's standing up.

Speaker 1 (02:38):
For anyone who's new to the podcast, I do keep
repeating stories. I'm sorry about that.

Speaker 3 (02:42):
This has been the easiest pregnancy I've ever had. And
I think when I got pregnant, knowing that I was
like heading into my forties, I assumed that this would
be the worst. I assumed i'd have like the most pain,
be the most uncomfortable, have the most refluxed.

Speaker 2 (02:56):
The most tired and run down.

Speaker 1 (02:57):
Yeah, those things I feel great, like, I mean, apart
from like a bit of psiatic or and a bit
of reflux every so often.

Speaker 3 (03:03):
I'll complain about those things, but they're probably But do
you think it as bad as last pregnancy. Do you
think it's just because your.

Speaker 2 (03:08):
Pregnancy is different, or do you think it's because now
you know, like you have the expectations of what they are,
that things just aren't as bad, Whereas when you go
into your first pregnancy, you don't know how bad you're
going to feel, but now you get it, so you're like, oh,
not so bad.

Speaker 3 (03:21):
I definitely think the first time round, you're a bit
more like what's that? What's that feeling? Am I in labor?
Find yourself constantly googling like am I in labor? And
I have definitely not googled am I in labor at all,
but like, there's only been one time this pregnancy where
I've been like, what is that feeling? And then I
realized that the baby had hiccups and I was like,
that's cute.

Speaker 2 (03:38):
It's kind of like dating narcissistic man after the first one.

Speaker 1 (03:42):
Yeah, that's what this is.

Speaker 3 (03:43):
You find yourself googling at the start, and then you're like, oh,
this is patterned behavior, and I'm the problem, got it.

Speaker 2 (03:49):
That's also what I what my brain is thinking. As
we all know, I'm on the pendulum of the childbirth thing,
not the childbirth thing, the child thing. I keep doing
the math in my brain about what each I'm going
to be if I fall pregnant and have them, and
I'm going to be like going into my forties and
I know there's nothing. No, but I know there's nothing,
but you're done. In third, I haven't started.

Speaker 1 (04:08):
Get the feeling you're gonna be one and done.

Speaker 2 (04:10):
I tell you, I'm gonna be that rare case where
they're like, oh my god, the egg split twenty five times,
you're a.

Speaker 1 (04:16):
Last there's twenty five kids in there. That's I bet
you some freak thing.

Speaker 2 (04:21):
You heard it here first, some freak split things gonna happen,
and I'll have he there's a lot of bad.

Speaker 3 (04:25):
Rap when you go into having what they call a
geriatric pregnancy.

Speaker 1 (04:28):
And also I know that genetically things get harder as
you get older. Blah blah blah. I know.

Speaker 3 (04:32):
I know that I'm not discrediting any of that, but
there was a lot of fear mongering around, like God,
number three, your body's going to really be fucked after
this one, and so far, I'm like, oh, okay, if
I we're doing all.

Speaker 2 (04:42):
Right, if I had like spontaneous triplets, I mean would
you guys take.

Speaker 1 (04:46):
One each day were your jeans? I think they probably would.
You don't want one more? My family done.

Speaker 3 (04:55):
Speaking of pregnant each other, you guys might remember we
interviewed Tanya Hanna See a couple of weeks back, actually
months back now, and that was flown.

Speaker 1 (05:02):
By, hasn't it?

Speaker 3 (05:03):
And Tanya Hennessy has just announced that she's having a baby.

Speaker 1 (05:07):
We absolutely could not be more thrilled for her.

Speaker 3 (05:09):
She's eighteen weeks prednut, maybe nineteen weeks by the time
this comes out. But when she spoke to us, she's
been trying for seven years, seven years of infertility.

Speaker 2 (05:16):
And like trying, trying everything everything that there is, every
kind of fertility treatment of foods and acupunctures and spells, yes, spells, wizardery.

Speaker 1 (05:28):
She literally would have done anything.

Speaker 3 (05:30):
Yeah, And I think as well like every single person
in the room that day where she had us volunteers,
because she described how ambitious she is and how she's
managed to achieve everything that she wants in career and
then the one thing that she wants so badly, she's
had to work for seven years four and hasn't been
able to have And Tanya spoke about on that episodef

(05:50):
You guys want to go back.

Speaker 1 (05:51):
And listen to it. I think it's really beautiful and
full circle.

Speaker 3 (05:53):
Now that she had three embryos on ice, two of
them had been tested, one of them hadn't been tested,
and she lost forty two kilos in preparation, she'd done
two rounds of Andrometrius the Surgery.

Speaker 1 (06:05):
Live about red Bulls.

Speaker 3 (06:06):
She gave up red Bulls like she's She really did say,
I have done every single thing that I can possibly
do within my power to make my last three chances,
the three possibilities I have of becoming a parent work.
And so to see her talking about her pregnancy, to
hear that she's announced it is honestly just the best
news in the freaking world.

Speaker 1 (06:27):
We could not be more happy.

Speaker 2 (06:28):
It was almost like, I don't think I felt happier
for someone online, like when I saw that than I
have in that moment in a long time.

Speaker 1 (06:36):
Yeah, Like, of course you're.

Speaker 2 (06:37):
Always happy for people, but when you I guess maybe
because we have that personal connection, when you know how
much it had affected her life and how much she
wanted it. It's all she has thought about and tried
to do for seven years, and she's gone through the
motions of feeling like a failure. She's gone through the
motions of everyone in her life being able to feel
pregnant like that and not understanding why, and to see

(06:59):
that now, man, I was just beside myself.

Speaker 3 (07:01):
It also gives hope, right, Like I mean, for so
many people who find themselves in the trenches of infertility.
It was the same thing when we interview Chloe Fisher
and seven years, a lot of people would stop trying.
You know, a lot of people would feel as though
they'd already done everything, and.

Speaker 2 (07:15):
That financially people can't do it totally. It's so expensive,
like to do seven rounds of IVF. People are taking
loans out, people are remortgaging houses. People are really making
sacrifices because I mean, I've done four rounds of egg
retrievals and embryos, so no implantation. But they're like they
range between depending on what drugs you need, and you know,

(07:37):
they're like seven or thirteen thousand dollars a round. So
people that are doing you know, seven years. I know
a woman that did forty rounds. She had to like
remortgage your house because she just really wanted a baby,
and that's how long it took.

Speaker 4 (07:49):
Yeah, and I guess like ten to thirty nine. So
I know that age was like a thing that she
had in the back of her mind. But I commented
on her post and I just said, this baby is
going to grow up knowing how deeply it was wanted,
and like, what a beautiful feeling for a kid to
look back and to be able to actually listen to
podcast interviews that she did.

Speaker 2 (08:07):
And be like, Wow, I always really wanted in as well.

Speaker 1 (08:10):
Imagine I was at for two years.

Speaker 3 (08:16):
It's going to be like, what the fuck, mom, You're
going to be paying for your kids therapy.

Speaker 1 (08:19):
But probably for multiple reasons.

Speaker 2 (08:22):
You know, I don't want my kids ever listening to this,
not for that reason, for a lot of other reasons.
Do you know how many messages I got off the
back of the episode? Actually, it was really nice, so
many people that were in the same place as me mentally,
Like I call it the purgatory, Like that fertility purgatory.

Speaker 1 (08:36):
You're talking about last week's episode, Yeah, last week.

Speaker 2 (08:38):
If you didn't listen, I just spoke about that really
complicated place that you are where you want kids but
you don't want kids, but you're not sure, but you can't.
You want them in the future, but not right now,
And just that really complicated idea of not knowing where
you are and what you want. But so many people
resonated with it. But the number of people that wrote
to me and convince not convinced me, but it was

(09:00):
quite comforting. Saying you think that you're overthinking means you
don't want them more, you're not going to be a
good mum because you you know, to be a mum,
you should be one hundred percent sure. But they said
the fact that you were considering it so in depth,
so specifically, you're doing the research on it, it means
you're going to be a good mum. It means that

(09:20):
you want it, but you want to make sure you're ready.
And I guess I hadn't looked at it.

Speaker 1 (09:24):
In that way before.

Speaker 2 (09:25):
So it was really nice to receive messages from people saying,
don't think that you're over depth thinking equals not wanting
to be a mum, because.

Speaker 1 (09:33):
That's what I hear. I'm even more confused.

Speaker 5 (09:35):
I was.

Speaker 1 (09:36):
No none of it helped, none of it made it clear.

Speaker 4 (09:40):
It just added more questions and then nice thing that
because I shared in that episode that's something I've been
quite worried about, you know, entering the motherhood conversation and whatever.
Is because I've been diagnosed with mental health issues for a.

Speaker 1 (09:50):
Very long time now.

Speaker 4 (09:51):
It's very much a part of my, like everyday life,
and I was quite worried about getting pregnant and going
into that stage where a lot of people experience post
natal depression who don't have depression beforehand, you know, And
I was like, Fuck.

Speaker 1 (10:04):
How bad could it actually get? How dark could it get?

Speaker 4 (10:07):
And quite a few people messaged me after that, and
it was a really reassuring thing to read. A lot
of them said, Hey, I was in exactly the same position,
I felt exactly the same way, same diagnoses beforehand.

Speaker 1 (10:20):
And apparently a lot of people who.

Speaker 4 (10:21):
Have existing mental health issues actually handle the postnatal depression
kind of era.

Speaker 2 (10:27):
A bit better because you're quite aware of.

Speaker 4 (10:29):
It and you maybe even have management strategies in place already.
So yeah, So I just wanted to share that for
anyone else who may be related.

Speaker 1 (10:36):
To how I felt and you had.

Speaker 4 (10:38):
A fear around that, maybe it will alleviate some of those,
you know, fears for you too.

Speaker 1 (10:42):
But overall, like, Tanya, I hope that you hear this.

Speaker 4 (10:45):
We are so so insanely happy for you, Like I
don't think I've ever been as happy for a friend
to see a pregnancy announcement, Like we just could see
how much you want today?

Speaker 2 (10:54):
Yeah, well, speaking of the pole opposite back in the
dating scene, I just chose to work with and I
was having a chat to her about it, and I realized,
for me, it feels like being in the dating world
was not that long ago, but I guess it was,
you know, nearly three years. I'm married now, but it
feels like yesterday. Anyway, She's still in the depths of it.
She mashed with someone I know, like a.

Speaker 1 (11:15):
Couple of days ago.

Speaker 2 (11:16):
I don't know him well, but enough that she sent
a photo, an old photo from like twelve years ago
of me and him, and like, I was like, She's like,
you know this guy, blah blahlah. She wants the intel,
and I said, oh, he was good friends with my
old situation. Shit, But I was like, I don't know
him anyway. I just caught up with it, and I
was like, how did it go.

Speaker 1 (11:35):
Did you meet up? Do you chat? What's going on?

Speaker 2 (11:38):
And she said no, We've just spoken on the phone.
And I was like, I was like, we spoke on
the phone, but you what do you mean, like you're
not meeting him? And she's like, yeah, it's this thing
that everyone's doing in the dating world now. Everyone just
cold calls. First of all, let's jump on a call
and chat when's good. That's one thing, a cold call
out of the blue, just like spontaneous, but it's also
cold video calls as well. She was saying that, yeah,

(12:00):
they just FaceTime call you all the time. She's like
the other day, a guy who i'd barely been speaking to,
I'd just gotten out of the sauna and he's trying
to FaceTime me and I was like, well, you can't
answer that. I was like, don't answer after a sauna.
She goes no, because I didn't want to be that
girl that cared what she looks like.

Speaker 1 (12:14):
And I was like, so you answered out of the sauna.
I'm like, care a little bit, like care a little bit.
I'm like, just say you're busy. And she's like, was
it too much? And I'm like yes, like in the
sauna you like bright red and sweaty.

Speaker 2 (12:23):
But I don't know.

Speaker 1 (12:25):
I understand why people are doing it.

Speaker 2 (12:26):
And I love a phone call. I don't like this
generation of cold surprise calling because it's it's to catch
you out and see who you really are, what you
really like, without planning, without whatever. But I'm like, it's
okay to put a little bit of effort in at
the start and want to impress somebody.

Speaker 1 (12:41):
And I don't know, I'm not about it. I don't
know if it's like intentionally to catch you out it is.

Speaker 3 (12:45):
I think people are sick of the endless text messaging
and like we've all been there, We've all experienced the
fucking doom whole of just the endless text that you
are going to plan to meet up and have coffee
or whatever it is, and then it never happens and
you've all wasted over a day or however a week,
like sometimes longer. So I think people are just trying
to cut to the chase and like weed out things

(13:06):
that don't have potential.

Speaker 2 (13:08):
On top of that, and we all miss this. We
are so lucky that we miss this. But apparently online
dating is full of AI now and full of bots
and not real people and like cryptocurrency bros, like fake
bots that are selling you and trying to get you
to sign up for stuff, and so apparently that's why
people are cooling now, because nobody believes anyone's real anymore.
Like that's it's gotten to the point that no one

(13:28):
you match with someone and you're genuinely instead of saying
they look nice, the question is now are they real?
Which is just a whole nother world. I couldn't imagine
adding that pressure to how hard online dating is.

Speaker 4 (13:39):
Yeah, I mean we had catfishes like some not like
talking to someone who was so hot that you'd be like,
I don't know if they're real or not? And then
I guess you would see if they turn up or
if they didn't.

Speaker 1 (13:49):
How many people didn't turn up.

Speaker 4 (13:50):
To your you know what I mean, like if they
turn up and they looked like how they actually did.
But I kind of did this with my boyfriend now,
I mean at Suckling with part It's been two and
a half years, but we met on hinge and we
were messaging back and forth for a short period of
time and he was like, what are you doing on
Saturday night?

Speaker 1 (14:06):
Like do you want to go on a date?

Speaker 2 (14:07):
And at the time I remember writing back and I
was like, well, Saturday night.

Speaker 1 (14:10):
Is prime real estate, Like you're a Wednesday night guy.
I don't know you. Yeah, you know you don't get
my weekend. I obviously didn't say it.

Speaker 4 (14:17):
I did say Saturday night is prime real estate, but
I didn't say like, I don't know you well enough
because I'd been in the past I'd been like yeah, sure,
and then I'd spent a Saturday night with someone that
I was like, if I had had a phone call
with you, I would not be sitting here because we're
not compatible.

Speaker 2 (14:32):
We don't match like and.

Speaker 1 (14:33):
You would have figured it out if he chatted totally.

Speaker 4 (14:35):
So he ended up. He was like, okay, well what's
your phone number? And he called me every day for
a week only for like five ten minutes, and it
was just like a phone call.

Speaker 2 (14:44):
It wasn't a video call. Just bone sex quickly, just
to see the vibe.

Speaker 3 (14:48):
We actually were talking about this a little bit earlier.
Something we used to do on the pod all the time.
We haven't done it in so long. Is your worst
dating stories? Usually it was Britt bringing her worst dating story.
I don't have them anyway, we realized, like, no one's
been bringing them because Britt hasn't had any catastrophe dates
for a while.

Speaker 1 (15:02):
You're really letting the team down, poalth, do you know?

Speaker 2 (15:05):
I think you underestimate the pressure I felt to stay single.
I really wanted to fall in love, and I felt
like I wasn't allowed because I was letting the podcast because.

Speaker 1 (15:12):
Laura's already like I'm at that baby, go do something.
And I was like, we need the yank to the yang. Goddamnit.
And I was like, Laura, I want to be in
love too, You like not yet.

Speaker 2 (15:22):
Go get fucked, Go have someone go shoot.

Speaker 3 (15:25):
Well, look, we want to know what are your worst
dating stories. We want the horrifying stuff. We actually had
someone in who we interviewed who was telling us about
how they had had truly the most train wrecked dating
history slash stories.

Speaker 1 (15:39):
She dated a wizards.

Speaker 3 (15:42):
They dated a man who was part of the sperm
Retention Society, which we fucking have to unpack one actually
person in the same person.

Speaker 1 (15:49):
Yeah, these are not two stories. I want to know.

Speaker 3 (15:52):
Send us your most cooked dating stories that you've had,
whether it's a first date, whether you found out a
couple of weeks in that.

Speaker 1 (15:58):
Actually I don't know.

Speaker 3 (16:00):
Maybe you're a wizard too, you were dating someone who's
part of the spem retention society.

Speaker 1 (16:03):
I don't know, I don't care. Whatever it is.

Speaker 3 (16:05):
Do you remember the time that we got sent a
dating story. It was a first date story about the
girl who'd gone for a walk around the.

Speaker 1 (16:11):
Cliff tops with the guy. Like first date cliff top walk,
I know the one.

Speaker 3 (16:15):
They were down on the rock platform and it was
quite windy and he tried to go in for a
kiss and she was like, fuck it, I'm.

Speaker 1 (16:22):
Not into this at all. And she was like, did
it anyway?

Speaker 5 (16:24):
No?

Speaker 3 (16:25):
She he goes in for a kiss and she was like,
oh thank god. Like the wind kicked up and it
was really dusty, and she was like, oh, sorry, dusty
in my mouth. Got out of the kiss, walks up
to the top of the hill and realized someone has
thrown a cremation off the hill.

Speaker 1 (16:38):
She ate a dead.

Speaker 3 (16:39):
Person instead of kissing me spreading ashes they were covered
in it.

Speaker 2 (16:42):
Anyway, today is if you'd prefer to consume a dead
person's ashes then kiss that person like.

Speaker 1 (16:48):
That saying a lot, I've been on them. What were
you in? Dead ashes?

Speaker 3 (16:54):
Something that I came across online the other day and
it was truly the most amazing nostalgia piece.

Speaker 1 (16:59):
I say it and shared it with the guys.

Speaker 3 (17:01):
I wanted to play this for you because if you
were a millennial, there's always that debate between like gen
Z millennials, like the never ending fight between gen Z
thinking millennials are lame and millennials thinking gen Z's don't relate.

Speaker 2 (17:12):
I didn't know that there was a fight. Yes, I'm
not in it enough to know that we're fighting.

Speaker 3 (17:16):
It's not really a fight. It's just that they think
we're losers. Yeah, they think we're losers. They think we're losers,
and they think they're better than us and looked fair.

Speaker 1 (17:23):
They probably are.

Speaker 3 (17:23):
But we've lived a life and I came across this
one woman. Her name is this their Instagram handle it's
Mary Santara Comedy.

Speaker 1 (17:30):
And this took me back to the year two.

Speaker 3 (17:33):
Thousand when we have a lot of regrets, we don't
remember everything that happened. But I feel like anyone who
is a millennial who lived this life, who is similar
age to us, will deeply, deeply relate.

Speaker 5 (17:45):
Have a listen to this, Hi, This message is for
gen Z stopping me to millennials, just stop, okay, because
guess what you could never? You could never. I would
love to take a gen Z in their prime right
now today, hot twenty one. I want to take you
to a club in twenty ten, and you would.

Speaker 1 (18:03):
Literally probably die.

Speaker 5 (18:04):
Let's start with the pre game. You guys don't even
know what a pregame is. You're getting ready, probably nine
ten o'clock. You start playing music. Little John's going all
through the house. People are running around, You're taking shots.
You're doing shots a vodka that you can't pronounce, that
came from a gas station in a plastic bottle. You
might make yourself a little mixtrink. Take that in the shower.

Speaker 1 (18:22):
You deserve a spa day.

Speaker 5 (18:24):
Everyone's feeling toasty.

Speaker 1 (18:25):
You start to get ready.

Speaker 5 (18:25):
What are you wearing? Not sneakers? You wouldn't be caught
dead in a pair.

Speaker 1 (18:29):
Of tennisues at the club.

Speaker 5 (18:31):
No, baby, you have your six inch ten dollars Charlotte
Roosse heels that are going to destroy your feet. You're
gonna be bleeding, you're gonna have blisters, but you're gonna
wear them the whole night because they make your legs
look good. And we're not wearing baggy jeans and tank tops. No,
we're wearing two by dresses. They start here, they end
just at your and that's it.

Speaker 1 (18:49):
That's what you got.

Speaker 5 (18:50):
Now, let's get to the club. You get inside, no
one has cell phones. There's nowhere to sit. Even if
there is a VIP section, no one's in it because
we went to the club today.

Speaker 1 (19:00):
So I don't think I've ever seen.

Speaker 5 (19:01):
A gen Z person dance that wasn't like, comes on,
you are sprinting to.

Speaker 1 (19:09):
The dance floor.

Speaker 5 (19:09):
I understand you guys grew up with like social distancing
and like staying away from people, but not at the club.
If you're not mashing against a stranger in the.

Speaker 1 (19:18):
Dark for four street hours, you.

Speaker 5 (19:20):
Can go to the club and then maybe you have HPV,
maybe you don't.

Speaker 1 (19:23):
That's regard to so to figure out later.

Speaker 5 (19:25):
The only time you stop is to go pee or
to go do another shot at the bar.

Speaker 2 (19:28):
The night, you're drenched in sweat.

Speaker 5 (19:31):
You're so drunk, your feet hurt. You probably took your
shoes off. Bottom of your feet's are black. You're walking
around outside with no shoes, your fist fighting a horse cop.
Things got crazy. You wake up the next day, you
don't know where your coach wristlet is why do you
have a black eye? No clue, But guess what you
had the time of your life. You had so much
fun that you're going to go to brunch and then
do it again tomorrow. So the next time you guys

(19:52):
want to talk about millennials, just remember that you guys
are at home at nine pm when you should be
out having the best time of your life.

Speaker 3 (20:00):
Like, I'm not proud of myself, but I don't regret
any of it.

Speaker 2 (20:04):
So this is literally what the hangover is made from.
That accurate You wake up and you don't remember what happened,
and you got a black eye, and you're like, where
was that?

Speaker 3 (20:12):
It took me back to sitting on the floor in
my bedroom in front of my mirror doing my makeup
at ten o'clock at night, getting ready to go out,
and just like you would not get home until five
am in the morning.

Speaker 1 (20:23):
No, it's a shoe, the commitment.

Speaker 2 (20:25):
It's the shoes that you couldn't walk in, Like the
huge shoes that you knew your feet were going to
be bleeding and cut up. You would never dream of
taking them off. You wore an outfit that was probably
fifteen dollars from souper eight, thin and sea through, barely
covered your vagina.

Speaker 1 (20:38):
And that was winter.

Speaker 4 (20:39):
It's like there's elastic body con dresses, you know, the
ones that had the pieces that were what were.

Speaker 1 (20:43):
You all doing? So we were talking about it earlier.

Speaker 3 (20:45):
We were like, what are some of the things that
you like have visceral memories of doing? And that was
completely normal at the time. My number one was you'd
go out with your group of friends. You'd get your handbags.
You'd put them in like either on a couch like
next to where you're dancing, or in a pile on
the floor and put a jacket over it and dance
around or next to your protected little pocket of bags.

(21:07):
And then every so often you'd run back to check
and make sure that everything's still in.

Speaker 1 (21:10):
Your bag and no one had robbed you.

Speaker 2 (21:12):
You know, you could never disperse the group. Someone always
had to stay with bags. Oh no, no, we left ours.
We would we would jack it, prevented it, we left
it out.

Speaker 1 (21:23):
Yeah.

Speaker 3 (21:24):
My go to, like I said, none of this is
us encouraging, it's just purely reminiscing. I would go and
buy a bottle of Bombora, which is like kind of
like bad cheap coconut malibu, a cask of fruity elixia
and mix the two together.

Speaker 1 (21:39):
What was wrong with me?

Speaker 4 (21:41):
When your alcohol comes from the bladder, you're in a
bad place.

Speaker 2 (21:44):
I can't think about that without I could vomit at
the thought. I did not have a more visual memory
in my life. I can smell right now. It's not
even in the room. I can smell the drink and
it makes me a vomit. From this one night, since
I was like seventeen, I have not been able to
drink it.

Speaker 1 (21:58):
I've got one more for you. It wet pussy shots.

Speaker 2 (22:01):
Not make good, no schmirnle double black.

Speaker 4 (22:04):
Do you guys remember when you would be in the
dancing circle and there would always be someone who would
come up behind you and grind on you, and you
couldn't see enough, Like you couldn't really turn around and
look at them, so firstly you didn't really know who
it was. You make the eye contact with your friend
and it would be like the handshake of is this
person do I want them grinding on me or not?
Because right now I have no idea. I'm putting all

(22:26):
of the trust in you.

Speaker 1 (22:27):
No, I feel like I feel like it was the
opposite for me.

Speaker 3 (22:29):
My memory of it is like you would see your
friend getting grinded on, and then you would look at
them for the facial cues as to whether they wanted
to be saved or not, and they'd be like no, no, no,
I'm good and back on, or they'd be like run away,
like and we all it was just normal.

Speaker 1 (22:44):
Back on is even a phrase? What about doing laps?
So like a lap then you see it was hot,
You had to do a lap around the.

Speaker 3 (22:52):
Club just to check out who you might want to
hook up with that night, and then you go back
dance with your.

Speaker 1 (22:56):
Friends for a while. Then you might pick one friend
do another lap. Also, you guys just don't even know.

Speaker 2 (23:01):
You would leave smelling of smoke cigarette burns, like everyone
was smoking inside the clubs. Back then it.

Speaker 1 (23:07):
Wasn't banned yet.

Speaker 2 (23:09):
Now they didn't get it. They don't get what we
had to go through to get macked on.

Speaker 3 (23:12):
To be fair though, I think I was twenty two
or twenty three when the no smoking clubs rule came in.

Speaker 2 (23:17):
Yeah, we only had a couple of years. Yeah, our
formative years of burns.

Speaker 3 (23:21):
We'll link the video because it's great and also it's
got like fifteen thousand comments, because I know everybody else
has their own, like everyone else has their own nostalgia
moment of the early two thousands.

Speaker 1 (23:30):
Right, whether it's Bonmora or it's Soupre.

Speaker 3 (23:33):
But there was one comment that said, the entire clubbing
ritual is our generations. I would walk five miles one
way to school in the snow with no shoes on.

Speaker 1 (23:41):
Story, and I just so deeply believe it. But the
heels that we used to wear were insane.

Speaker 4 (23:48):
Did you guys have those Jeffrey Campbell lace up boots
with a name that had the wood at the back.
I had them in like three different colors, and I
would just alternate them with my potty contress.

Speaker 2 (23:57):
The fact that you would go out for one night.
It wasn't an event on someone's birthday. It was just like,
let's go out.

Speaker 1 (24:02):
You would upload an.

Speaker 2 (24:03):
Entire Facebook album of one hundred and fifty photos from
that night and you'd call it Saturday Night Best Night Ever.
That was the album name, and you would just flood
it with blurry, drunk nothing.

Speaker 1 (24:14):
Photos and it's just everyone dancing, holding dreams. One hundred
and fifty.

Speaker 3 (24:18):
When I did The Bachelor I had to go back
through my face the fucking scrub it.

Speaker 1 (24:23):
I loved that, and as I was going through it,
I was like, Laura's go like heroin injections on the class.
She's like, oh, take that one out. It was a insight.

Speaker 4 (24:31):
Everyone used to foundation over their lips and it would
your whole face would be the one color, but it
would be like ten shades darker than what it was
supposed to be of that.

Speaker 1 (24:39):
Dream Matte Moose, did you.

Speaker 4 (24:44):
Okay? Everyone smelt like Britney Spears Fantasy or Midnight Fantasy.

Speaker 5 (24:49):
Different.

Speaker 3 (24:49):
Also Saint Ives Apricot scrub. That was our entire skincare ritual.
Kids these days have like their Vitamin C. They've got
the drunk elephant. We just exfoliated our skin barrier until
it did not exist.

Speaker 1 (25:02):
I don't act did that? Did you guys have the proact?

Speaker 5 (25:05):
No?

Speaker 2 (25:05):
I actually had great skin, Oh I did.

Speaker 1 (25:10):
I didn't have to do anything I had. I was lucky.
I had good skins. To be Fairbrue, I probably had
good skin too.

Speaker 3 (25:15):
I just used some eyes until there was no skin
barrier left. Because back in the day, I thought, oh,
exfoliation means you should probably bleed.

Speaker 2 (25:22):
But you know what she's doing the vampire facial at home. No,
But when you talk about their dream Matt foundation, I
remember when everyone started wearing foundation to school, and I
mean we didn't have a lot of money, so like
I would buy a foundation and I wouldn't use it much.
But I remember, I don't know why I did this
For years, I would only put it on below my eyes,
not my forest.

Speaker 1 (25:44):
I don't know why top chocolate. No one told me so.
I used to just like put.

Speaker 2 (25:48):
It from here down and then just have like a
white forehead.

Speaker 1 (25:52):
I don't know. I didn't know what to do it.

Speaker 4 (25:53):
It's true though, no one taught us to and there
weren't YouTube videos to what. There weren't girls doing their
skincare and make up routines on TikTok and Instagram for
us to learn from. So if your mum wasn't a
makeup person, you just went in blind.

Speaker 1 (26:07):
You really did. It was such a time to be alive.
I'm so embarrassed. I'm going to say this.

Speaker 2 (26:13):
Did you guys get into the trend of when.

Speaker 1 (26:18):
And I don't want to say it.

Speaker 2 (26:19):
I need to find a photo when butterfly clips were in. Yeah,
you used to section my hair like this into like
really long strips down my head. But I would roll it.

Speaker 1 (26:30):
All the way and then you put a clip on
your head and you would have a roll of clips
like a crown.

Speaker 3 (26:35):
If you were really into doing your hair, you would
roll your entire hair and spray each section so you
had like makeshift curled red locks your entire head. The
last thing I want to add is that hair straighteners
didn't exist at this point, and I would get out
an ironing board, flip my hair upside down, and iron
my hair to go out to the nightclub. That is

(26:56):
ground zero of where hair straighteners came from. That's what
we lived through. If you do have any nostalgia moments
from early two thousands, if you were here with us
in the trenches of being almost forty, we want to
hear it because they are. It's just so refreshing. How
did we all survive? How we all still alive.

Speaker 2 (27:13):
My little sister Sherry and all her friends for the
school formal, they all didn't know what to do with
their hair, and I was like, come on, girls, I'll
sort you out, and we did.

Speaker 1 (27:20):
Those oiled swivels that you just said. They all came.

Speaker 2 (27:23):
Over and I oil swiveled their whole hair and that
was like, that was the cool look, and I was
like the cool older sister.

Speaker 1 (27:29):
I was like, you guys got this? Oh it was
a bad time. I'm going to find some photos. Guys.
I have a question for you.

Speaker 3 (27:35):
Have you ever been in a relationship where you feel
as though there is an effort mismatch? And now, the
reason why we're talking about this is because we came
across quite an interesting piece of content by a person
named at Bayer Underscore Voice, and it was all around
this effort mismatch and how it can be misunderstood in
relationships as being a dysfunction or as being in a

(27:55):
toxic relationship, and it kind of reminded us a little
bit of the conversation we had quite a few months
ago around Askers and Guesses. You don't know, ye was
it years threes to be Okay, I'm pretty sure. I
saw it on a different podcast recently, and I was like,
we talked about that so long ago, we did it first,
So Askers and Guesses. If you're not familiar with that,
it's kind of putting people into two different types of categories, right.

(28:18):
In one sense, you have people who are very motivated
to ask for the things that they want, who feel
as though it's not rude to be quite direct and
to ask the questions about the things that they want
in their life.

Speaker 1 (28:29):
Then you also have guesses.

Speaker 3 (28:31):
Now, Guesses are people who think that upfront, direct conversation
like that comes across abruptly and kind of rude. And
when you have an asker and a guess are trying
to communicate with each other, there can be a misunderstanding
and there can be a misinterpretation around the intention behind
the way that person communicates.

Speaker 2 (28:50):
Guesses also just expect things to be done for them,
like you should know that I want this done for me,
like you should read my mind.

Speaker 1 (28:55):
They don't feel.

Speaker 2 (28:56):
Comfortable putting anything forward or being assertive in any way.

Speaker 1 (28:59):
Yes and no. Though.

Speaker 3 (29:00):
The other thing I think that is important in terms
of a guesser is that askers can abuse a guess's
kindness and generosity because a guesser would only ever ask
someone if the answer is going to be yes, but
an asker will ask anyway. So the thing that we
established in that conversation is that someone who is truly
a guesser feels like they have to say yes to people.

(29:22):
That's where burnout comes from. That's where feeling like this
sense of like I'm not appreciated comes from, whereas like
it's just a mismatching communication.

Speaker 2 (29:31):
It's also where they're saying don't ask, don't get comes from.
Askers are happy to ask. It doesn't matter what the
answer is, like, it doesn't matter if it's no. Like
that's actually I was an asker and I'm a guesser.
I am absolutely I shoot your shot. No isn't the
end of the world. And no, it doesn't feel bad
and it's always a no if you don't ask, that
is my motto. I'm happy to get a know and
put that out there.

Speaker 3 (29:50):
And as a guesser, I hate saying no to people
because they don't like disappointing people. I think people who
are people pleasers usually fall into that guessing category. Now,
this idea of effort match, I wanted to play you
this little reel so that you understand kind of the
premise behind it, and then we're going to unpack it
a bit, because I do feel like there are going
to be a lot of people who find themselves in
this type of relationship and maybe feel like their partner

(30:12):
doesn't care as much as they care, or feel as
though that they're having the same fights and arguments on repeat.
But really it might be a way in which you
can kind of approach a new way to communicate that
might help fix this.

Speaker 1 (30:24):
Have listened to this.

Speaker 6 (30:26):
One of you is exhausted from always initiating the hard conversations.
The other is exhausted from being told they're not doing enough.
That's not dysfunction. That's what we call an effort mismatch.
It shows up like this. One partner listens to the
podcasts and book marks the reels and pushes for couple therapy,
and the other says, we're good. Why are we always
talking about the problems. It's easy to paint this as

(30:47):
a motivation problem, but that's actually not what it is.
Doctor Alexandra Solomon has called this a dynamic that happens
between the change partner and the acceptance partner. The change
partner pushes for growth and insight and forward movement. The
acceptance partner holds down the fort of now. Everything's good
as it is easy, breezy. They feel pretty good about

(31:08):
life and how things are going. Nothing's really wrong. But
if we're not careful. It polarizes the change partner starts
to feel alone in the effort, and the acceptance partner
starts to feel criticized just for being themselves.

Speaker 2 (31:19):
Just to give you some examples off the back of
that so you can really understand what it is, the
change partner behaviors are things like, we should really talk
about our communication. They make suggestions like, hey, if you're free,
let's set an hour aside a week, let's lock it
in in our diary where we're going to sit down
and talk about our feelings and talk about our problem.

Speaker 1 (31:38):
Let's do our five year plan together.

Speaker 4 (31:40):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (31:40):
They're the people that will be constantly reviewing your relationship
patterns and saying, hey, something doesn't feel right, like can
we check in? Constantly checking in, And they are the
people that are bookedmark and listen to the relationship podcasts,
and they are the people wanting to move it forward.
And then when you go to the acceptance partner, they're
the ones that are like, what's the problem. We're fine,
Like why are we fixing something that ain't broke? Because

(32:00):
they're not looking at it in the same way as
maybe you're looking at it. You're probably looking into the
future and seeing problems before they have risen, Yeah, wanted
to deal with them then, whereas somebody that is okay
to cruise through a relationship, they don't have the foresight
to see that. Well.

Speaker 3 (32:16):
I think one of the real defining things for me
that I found really interesting about this is if you
are the change partner in a relationship, and it's not
to say you might you might both be change partners,
like this is when there's a mismatch, right, But if
you're the change partner and you have an acceptance partner,
the change partner is the one who notices small issues,
and small issues are things that they want to talk about,
like hey, this happened and it made me feel like this,

(32:39):
and you want to actually communicate those things because to you,
that feels like working towards resolution, more harmony, whereas the
acceptance partner is like, that was not a big deal.

Speaker 1 (32:48):
Why are we talking about that? So it doesn't even matter.

Speaker 3 (32:51):
And sometimes that can feel super dismissive when you're in
a relationship, because especially if you're a talker and your
partner's not, and you're like, hey, I want to talk
about that thing, and they're like, I fucking don't.

Speaker 4 (33:00):
Yeah, And I also think that these are the kind
of the extremes of them, right, I think you can
kind of live a little bit closer to the center.
But these questions that came up, I think actually helped
me understand a little bit more which side of the
kind of scale I sit on. So, when conflict arises,
do you find yourself instinctively wanting to talk it through and.

Speaker 1 (33:19):
Figure it out?

Speaker 4 (33:20):
So like, can we discuss this or do you prefer
to give it space and have silence? Do you often
scan the relationship looking for things to improve or fix
even small annoyances while your partner seems more comfortable with
how things are now. If your partner expresses frustration, do
you feel the urge to suggest books, therapy, solutions, podcasts,
whereas your partner tends to respond with empathy and emotional availability.

(33:43):
When your partner brings up potential problems, do you appreciate
it or do you feel nagged? That last question was
probably the most enlightening for me to ask.

Speaker 2 (33:54):
I asked Benna actually last night I read that word
for her, and I said, when I bring a problem
to you or an issue that I'm feeling, do you
feel like I'm nagging you, or do you Are you
able to see what that is and want to work
on it and understand where I'm coming from.

Speaker 1 (34:08):
It's like a bit of a bit of beach us.

Speaker 2 (34:11):
It's like a bit of a bit be And I said, yeah,
I guess I do nag you a bit. I was like,
but that's because I can say the same thing multiple
times and you don't change it. And I think this
is where the conflict arises is because there's no right
or wrong. But in these situations, both individuals feel like
they are in the right and sometimes if you don't
understand your relationship dynamics and what category you're in, that's

(34:34):
where the big issues arise from. And I think the
thing that better and I have learned, so I am
definitely the change maker. I'm the one that is constantly
thinking of the future and working towards the future and
wanting to work on the little things in our relationship
that come up, whereas he's just happy to cruise. He's like,
we're having fun now, I haven't even thought about what
we're going to do in a year or three months
time or whatever else. Then that leads to the decision fatigue,

(34:56):
the mental load that people feel because you are constantly
thinking of not only yourself with them. But then that's
where the fighter rises, because if you can't understand who
your partner is at their core and why they're thinking that,
you both end up in this cyclical argument of like,
I'm right, you're not listening to me.

Speaker 1 (35:13):
Well, hang on, you're not listening to me.

Speaker 2 (35:14):
I'm right, instead of saying, hey, maybe we're both right
to an extent and let's meet in the middle.

Speaker 3 (35:19):
I do think that it's a very easy space for
resentment to start to fester.

Speaker 1 (35:23):
But I also kind of think and the more that
I looked into this.

Speaker 3 (35:25):
I was like, it's very easy for the person who
is the change partner to be identified as like the
better partner, Like I'm putting in all this effort, I'm
doing all these things, I'm trying so hard, and you're
not meeting me where I need to be met. And
I would say that if we had a question that
came in and obviously like, no one's ever going to

(35:46):
write a question that's like I'm a change partner and
my partner is you know, the acceptance partner. But I
would say, looking at it with this lens there's probably
a different way that we can attack some of those questions,
because sometimes we would say, well, they're not picking up
their weight, or well, they don't seem to care about
the future as much as you care, and like you're
trying so hard to progress this relationship and there's a
mismatch in effort. But really, and when I read through

(36:09):
this and when we kind of dug into the research
around a little bit, we are also the generation that
is so guilty of not appreciating what we have.

Speaker 1 (36:18):
Like there is so many.

Speaker 3 (36:19):
Of us who are so caught in that hustle culture
trap because it's sold to us as progress, and we
really struggle with just being appreciative of the relationships or
of the place that we are in at the moment.
And I think that sometimes we probably should take the
change partner off the pedestal a little bit and prop
the acceptance partner up in some ways in terms of

(36:40):
appreciating that they have the ability to really love where
life is now and that's not always a bad thing,
and also.

Speaker 4 (36:47):
Love where their relationship is now and appreciate the person
for what they are now rather than who they're going
to be in the five year plan always trying to
kind of change them. What do you think exists more
naturally in your relationship dynamic.

Speaker 3 (36:58):
I think Matt and I are probably both change partners
in ways in ways, but I think I'm probably more
the change partner in terms of It's tricky because when
we talk about these relationship dynamics, we're not actually talking
about work. But I think I do push work, and
I've spoken about it before in terms of like where
I want things to be, and Matt has had the

(37:19):
conversations with me before where he's like, well, when is
enough enough for you? Like what version of okay, I
need to get to this place because.

Speaker 2 (37:27):
Five years ago you would have been happy at the
place you're at now.

Speaker 1 (37:29):
Yeah, because I.

Speaker 3 (37:30):
Struggle with really appreciating where we are along the journey.
But at the same time, the mismatch in our relationship
is very, very small. I would say it's a tiny window,
and maybe it changes over time and fluctuates, but we
are both super appreciative of where we're at and there's
not really a day that goes past where we're not like,
we're so lucky.

Speaker 2 (37:47):
To add to the relationship we have necessarily. Maybe I've
read this and interpreted it in a way different.

Speaker 1 (37:52):
To you guys.

Speaker 2 (37:52):
But I don't see this as not being appreciative of
your partner. I think you can be very appreciative of
who they are and what they are, but still be
very different and want different things. Like I don't necessarily
collate the two.

Speaker 4 (38:04):
I think I'm guilty of not being as appreciative as
what I probably should. I do feel as though I
nag my partner a bit, like I feel as though
when I read through the whole lot of this, I
was like, oh, wow, I actually am really the one
who listens to all the podcasts and I have all
the suggestions of the things that we should do. And
he has mentioned to me before in the past where
he's like, I just feel as though you don't appreciate

(38:26):
me for who I actually am now, you know, Like so,
I guess reading through this, I was like, Wow, that's
really held a mirror up to me, and that's something
that I feel like I can take away from this.
But another section of this that I did find quite interesting.
We always talk about relationship compatibility, and we talk about,
you know, if you're extroverted, you need to be with
another extrovert because otherwise you're gonna hate spending time out

(38:47):
with people and all that kind of thing.

Speaker 1 (38:48):
Yeah, like the opposite attract theory is not correct. Yeah,
And you guys have.

Speaker 4 (38:52):
Spoken with doctor Ali Walker before. She wrote this incredible
book that was all about frequency and intensity of communication,
and in that she highlighted that you don't actually want
someone who's the opposite to you.

Speaker 1 (39:04):
You want someone who's not.

Speaker 4 (39:06):
The same but in the kind of similar realm, so
that you're not building that resent towards each other for
being the way that you naturally are.

Speaker 1 (39:13):
And I came across this thing. I'd never heard of
it before.

Speaker 4 (39:15):
It was called relational dialetics theory, a psychological concept developed
quite a few decades ago, and it basically explains relationships
involving opposing needs. So this theory kind of talks about
the fact that you need to have some type of
opposing perspective on things like stability versus change. For me,
the one that was really relatable was the desire for

(39:38):
certainty versus the desire for novelty. Like, I'm really heavy
in the desire for novelty. My partner's very heavy in
the desire for certainty.

Speaker 2 (39:46):
I don't know, you have changed I feel like since
I met you, you were medici, but you're one, so
I think it changed with your relationship with age. You
definitely when we met were novelty. And I would say,
now you're certainty. You want to lock in the house.
You want to look in your relationship security, You want
to know that your futures.

Speaker 4 (40:03):
Are kind of changing all the color of the walls
because I'm getting bored, right, But.

Speaker 1 (40:06):
No, that's not bored.

Speaker 2 (40:07):
That's just creating the certainty that you want. Like, that's
creating your home and your future. I would say you've
morphed maybe, I mean, and these things. All of the
research on all of these things, the change partner and
the acceptance partner, it does say that you actually can
change over the course of your lifetime, but you also
can switch places and back and forth. One person can
be one and then the other.

Speaker 3 (40:26):
But you also influence each other, right, Like I mean,
if you're someone who is spontaneous and crazy and wild
and you get into a relationship with someone who's not,
they're the grounding person in that relationship. There will be
times where you go, you know what, that spontaneous crazy
thing that I was going to do, I probably won't
do that because it's kind of really disrespectful to my partner.
Like there is everyone makes sacrifices in their relationships, and

(40:48):
they think that the person that we end up with
has a huge influence on our personality, and say, they
change your personality, but you you kind of come together
a little bit more to meet in the middle. A
lot of the time, I think, and there's this massive
resentment or mismatch that we're talking about. It's when you're
both going in opposite directions.

Speaker 2 (41:06):
That Ben has completely changed me.

Speaker 1 (41:09):
Yeah, that's what I mean.

Speaker 2 (41:10):
I was the spontaneous person that didn't want to make plans.
I have says with my friends. That's PBA, which is
played by ear. I won't lock in and we'll say,
played by want dinner on Saturday? I played by I said,
like PBA played by E, I'll tell you at five
if we're meeting at seven. Because I hate plans. I'm disorganized.
I love to live my life very freely, but unfortunately
I can't do that now because Ben does that times

(41:32):
one hundred. Like Ben is so much more disorganized and
doesn't plan that I then have to take that role.
So I don't want to take the role that I
am in now of having to do everything basically for
planning for the future, I mean, like not everything in
the day to day, but he doesn't have that forethoughts.
So I feel like that's a prime example of when
you do switch who you are, like what orientation that
you see yourself, what end of the poll you're at,

(41:55):
because you sometimes you're forced to and I imagine it
happens a lot when people have kids. Like that, that's
something that you don't get to choose anymore.

Speaker 1 (42:02):
Yeah, I do.

Speaker 3 (42:03):
I definitely think that there's I mean, no one stays
the same throughout their entire life. And I know you
just establish a case when you said, like, these things
can shift and change, but they have to shift and
change depending on your relationship dynamic. Going back to this
type of effort mismatch that we're talking about though, in
terms of like if you feel as though you're in
a relationship with someone where you are the one who
is driving for change, or your partner's always kind of

(42:25):
pushing or talking about the things that are issues or whatnot,
Like if you do feel like there is a caveat
between what the two of you seem to appreciate in
the relationship. How do you fix that problem? It's kind
of the real question is to get to the bottom.

Speaker 2 (42:38):
Of I think for me, I've found a really sweet
spot of being able to have those conversations with Ben.
Ben's very emotionally intelligent, He's happy to talk about it.
But what I will do now, Most couples will bring
a problem or maybe like their husband or partner gets
home from work and they're giving them the silent treatment
because something's bothering them, like, hey, what's wrong, nothing, don't
want to talk about it. It creates this tension, creates

(42:59):
an argue when you know this could go on for days.
What I do now with Ben, because I used to
just bring those topics up. What I will do is
I will read an article that resonates with me that's
maybe something to do with a relationship or the future,
or issues or you know, a lot of it's from
the podcast. Of course, we do our research. I will
send that to him in advance, he reads it and
then we will dissect it together later, and so we

(43:21):
go through it later. No one's attacking anyone. But it's
like sometimes I'll say, hey, what did you think about that?
And he'll say Oh yeah, I definitely saw parts of
me in this, and you know, I saw parts of
you in that, and then we'll talk about it off
the back of an article.

Speaker 1 (43:34):
And I found for our.

Speaker 2 (43:35):
Relationship that's a far better way to meet in the
middle than just like verbally spitballing things that you have
an issue with. So I don't know if that's something
that you guys can take away. If you have a
dynamic at home and your relationship that you are very
different in the effort mismatch and it's bothering you and
you seem to not be able to sort it out,
try something like that, Try something like sending a podcast

(43:55):
and asking him to listen. But I think it's the
way that you approach the conversations just as might as
it is what the conversation is about. I also think
it's that one is not right and one is not wrong.

Speaker 4 (44:05):
I think the goal of kind of understanding this is
similar to askers and guesses actually is just to have
a little bit of self awareness around it, because you
kind of need to know what will happen if this
isn't recognized, you know, like the change partner's going to
feel alone, like they're the only one making effort for
you guys to grow and evolve and change, but the
acceptance partner might feel really criticized or really nagged. And

(44:27):
so I think that the way I tried to look
at it and the lens I tried to put on
was like, oh, okay, I probably do lean more into
being the change partner. The work for me is to
be a bit more appreciative of what I've got currently,
like right in front of me, and not mistake that
for us not going or evolving or becoming better or
being stagnant. And then the work for the acceptance partner

(44:49):
is to try and take a bit more initiative and
facilitate some of the harder and deeper conversations and take
up a little bit more of that effort that the
other person is putting onto you.

Speaker 3 (44:58):
Yeah, and I think that that's probably I mean, on
one hand, it's easy to say like, appreciate where you
are now, but it is important that both people are
initiating in a relationship, like it will only lead to
resentment if one person feels as though they're carrying the
entire load and the other person's like, I don't need
to do it because they're doing it already, and that,
I guess is kind of like where you can slip

(45:19):
into if you're someone who is the acceptance partner.

Speaker 1 (45:22):
Because you don't think it's a big deal. You don't
think it's an issue.

Speaker 3 (45:25):
And therefore, when your example that you've made brit where
you're like, send the podcast. The thing I worry about
and I think about the friends who I have who
I can see these dynamics play out with, is like,
you can send it, but they're not going to listen
to it because they don't care in the same way
as what the other person cares.

Speaker 1 (45:41):
Of course, and they don't see that as an issue.

Speaker 3 (45:44):
They're just like, I'm not I wasn't that interested in it,
So I wasn't going to spend an hour of my
day listening to a podcast not reading between the lines
that the reason why that was sent was because it
was actually like a subliminal attack on that on the character.

Speaker 2 (45:56):
You know, it shouldn't be subliminal, Like if you're not
in this world and you just send a relations you
articled your partner, that's not subliminal, Like it's very obvious
you want to have a chat about it, or the
whole idea is hey, read this. I'd love to get
your thoughts on it later, like can I read you guys.

Speaker 4 (46:08):
My favorite comment on the video that we played at
the start it was the acceptance partner will never see
this as they don't follow content like this, and the
algorithms will not show it to them.

Speaker 1 (46:19):
Exactly.

Speaker 2 (46:19):
So sent it absolutely, send it totally well.

Speaker 3 (46:24):
I think at the end of the day, the conclusion
to this is that it doesn't have to be deemed
as something that is, like it said in the video,
dysfunctional or toxic. And I do really think when it
comes to like answering askuncut questions, it's like another lens
to put over it when sometimes that person who's driving
and pushing for change is deemed as being the person
who cares more, and it's not always the case. It's

(46:45):
just a complete either drive communication or effort mismatch, which
happens in relationships. And I think that sometimes like trying
to see things from the other person's perspective a little
bit more rather than trying to be right about it
is always a good way to approach relationship conflict.

Speaker 2 (47:01):
It is time for suck and sweet, your highlight and
your low light of the week, Laura, kick it off.
What's your suck this week?

Speaker 3 (47:07):
All right, my suck this week is that we have
a very bad leak in our house, not like our
house in Bondie. We've been dealing with it for ages.
Every time it rains, the rain is coming in through
our door and going straight down and coming out the
downstairs bathroom light.

Speaker 1 (47:25):
Let's just got to be roushing.

Speaker 3 (47:26):
There's nothing there's nothing worse than like seeing a water
feature coming from a light fitting and you're like, oh,
that feels dangerous. Yeah, I feel like that's not supposed
to be there, and that looks expensive is what it
was in the midst of trying to get that fixed.

Speaker 1 (47:37):
But it just means that, like it's always something.

Speaker 3 (47:40):
It's like Pandora's Box because as soon as they when
you've got a leak, it's not the leak, it's all
the damage that it does inside the house, of the
mold and everything else that you've got to get out.
So we're kind of like working through that at the moment.
And we also have a neighbor who's been really really
fun to deal with around that. So yay, yay for
trying to fix shit and houses and for really cranky

(48:00):
old neighbors who never leave their own house so they
have nothing else to complain about except everything else that's
going on in the street.

Speaker 1 (48:05):
Love you and.

Speaker 2 (48:07):
Then watch your sweet let's not get into a neighborly
fight on the podcast which you're sweet.

Speaker 1 (48:12):
Can we do a section around like fucking horror neighbors.
We've done it before, but we can bring it back.
Your upstairs neighbours sucks too. Yeah, she's trying to kill
my dog.

Speaker 2 (48:19):
I think. I mean that's a blanket statement. She's throwing
like chili's into my yard. I showed kesy the other
day giant chilies, and I was like, so didn't drop that,
Like that's not drop.

Speaker 1 (48:30):
For context because anyone who's new might not know this.

Speaker 3 (48:32):
I used to live in the apartment that brit now
lives in, and it's the ground floor and the who's
directly upstairs, So she used.

Speaker 1 (48:40):
To just hose me from her balcony. She still does.

Speaker 2 (48:42):
I get hosed all the time.

Speaker 3 (48:44):
So if I was downstairs in my own outdoor area
on the phone in the middle of the day, I'm
talking like three pm, Saturday afternoon, chatting on the phone,
you don't want to be on the phone, I think.

Speaker 1 (48:53):
Talking to friends or anything.

Speaker 3 (48:55):
She would get her hose, plug it in, hide and
just put her hose the balcony so she hoses us there.

Speaker 1 (49:02):
Crazy.

Speaker 2 (49:03):
She does it too the other day, so annoying. This
wasn't even my suck. I've just hijacked yours. The other day.
I had all these clothes out there drying, like and
they're not hidden. She knows they're there, and then they
were just Also she waters your clothes. Yeah, yeah, And
when you hang your clothes out on the so you
hang your clothes out on a clothes horse in your
own backyard.

Speaker 1 (49:22):
And it's like she purposely throws things on them.

Speaker 2 (49:25):
Mitch Cherry came over, water cut off. No midch Cheery
came over and she hosed him down. I was like, okay,
I'm one thing. You don't hose my guests anyway. Now
there's like food in my yard all the time, and
it's not it's not just like it's dropped down so
it's not below it's on the other side like she
has lobbed it into the yard. She's lobbing them. So
that's what I'm dealing with it the moment. Anyway, continue on, Okay.

Speaker 1 (49:47):
So that's my suck is.

Speaker 3 (49:49):
Like dealing with neighbors and dealing with a leak that
we can't find, so yay, yay. And then my sweet
for the week is that we went to Cans and
Cans everyone is lit. We had the best time. I
took the girls to Fitzroh Island. I'd heard great things
about seeing turtles on Fitzroy Island, right, And I got
off the boat with Matt and the girls, and the
second we got off the botles there were three massive

(50:11):
sea turtles that were swimming under the jetty and so
Matt jumped in and like, Laula's never been snorkeling before.

Speaker 1 (50:16):
Because she's four and like chicks out, well, year olds.

Speaker 3 (50:18):
Don't wear snorkels, but she like put a little snorkels
on and she got in and it was just so
it was so cool that it was so accessible that
like a four year old and a six year old
were able to see turtles and go swimming with turtles. Anyway,
that was last good candles, Right.

Speaker 2 (50:33):
My suck is that I've probably had this suck over
the years. Maybe it rees it's head maybe once a year,
But this suck is how fucking cold.

Speaker 1 (50:41):
My house is.

Speaker 3 (50:42):
You've said it before when its head once a year,
I was like every winter, I was like insurance or
like your green slip, like.

Speaker 1 (50:49):
Were being scammed and just didn't pay bill. No, I
just my house is.

Speaker 2 (50:53):
Like I know houses are cold in Australia. We don't
do it well.

Speaker 1 (50:57):
Mine is.

Speaker 2 (50:58):
I cannot exist without to puffer jump up. I wear thermals, puffers,
thermal socks. Then I'm under a blanket and I have
a heater on. I wear beanies in my house just
to live.

Speaker 1 (51:08):
Your house is freezing. I swept over.

Speaker 4 (51:10):
We had to sleep over a couple maybe fortnight ago, genuinely,
So if you're gonna die, I actually thought I was
in an ice bath as it was happening.

Speaker 1 (51:17):
I want to give you the same.

Speaker 3 (51:18):
Advice that I gave you the last time, which is
the same thing we did when we lived there and
were never cold. Get a gas heater. It's got gas
outlets all over the house. Just buy a gas heater.
One hundred bucks. You can do it, Britt.

Speaker 1 (51:34):
You spend you spend less money on puffa jackets. Just
get a gas heater. Anyway. So it's like the above
and small and.

Speaker 3 (51:41):
The gas heater heats the whole thing up, and it's
so toaty.

Speaker 1 (51:44):
Now we're five weeks out of window.

Speaker 3 (51:45):
That's what you said last winter and the winter before.

Speaker 2 (51:49):
And you know why, because every winter I'm like, I'm
not going to be in that house next year. I've
said that for four years. I've been in that house
for four years, and I was suppose you never one. Anyway,
moving on, just buy a heater. My sweech is on
the semi finals of Dancing with the Stars.

Speaker 1 (52:02):
This week I won, which was cool.

Speaker 4 (52:04):
It was so good.

Speaker 1 (52:06):
I got a ten. It was amazing. Yeah, and you
were ten. Thanks mate, you were amazing.

Speaker 2 (52:11):
I waltzed, which was I wasn't sure about the worlds
because usually they're all quick and fast, and every week
until now, I got given the hardest dance. Every week,
I got given the fastest dances every single week. Everyone
else had been doing these slow, beautiful dances at different times,
and I was just like constantly backflip, backflip, backflip, don't
be able to breathe, run, run, run, run, So I
was like begging them to give me a waltz. And
I finally got one and I loved it, and yeah,

(52:34):
I won that day whatever, you made it to the final.

Speaker 1 (52:37):
Oh on the night. So I'm in the Grand Final
next week? Grand Final everyone? The next week? Is it?

Speaker 2 (52:42):
Yeah, it's on Monday night. So the logis are on
Sunday night and the Grand Final is on Monday night.

Speaker 1 (52:48):
But it's pretty cool.

Speaker 2 (52:49):
I sometimes forget I'm on it because it is like
we recorded it months ago, so I feel like we
haven't really spoken about it much on the podcast to
be honest, but like it is happening, and I and yeah,
I don't want to brag, but filled it while.

Speaker 1 (53:03):
I did better than I thought. You're amazing. All right, Well, guys,
that is it from us.

Speaker 3 (53:07):
If you have any questions for asking, can't sladdle into
the DMS if you have any accident and filled stories. Also,
we want your fucking tragic dating stories like what happened
on your first date that was diabolical?

Speaker 1 (53:19):
Well we need as well. Onto we will, We'll put
it on socials and you can watch it on YouTube.
You know the drill, do we?

Speaker 6 (53:25):
Mum?

Speaker 5 (53:26):
Do you?

Speaker 3 (53:26):
Dad?

Speaker 1 (53:26):
Tell dog Dee friends and share their love because we
love them