The Great Unf*ckening - Your Brain's Middle Finger To People-Pleasing

Laura has reached a milestone - her sex life has returned after having her 3rd baby but her hip flexors aren’t on board. If you or your partner has had a baby how did you go getting back ‘into’ it?

Britt was in a dilemma with her Uber driver and it resulted in her inviting a complete stranger into Keeshia’s house for a rather awkward reason. Britt has also tried to get in touch with her ‘natural’ side and she has learnt the very real dangers of leaving your crocs behind. 

Ageing Out of Fucks: The Neuroscience of Why You Suddenly Can’t Pretend Anymore
Last week we briefly spoke about Janette being ‘dumped’ on the bachelor and how being in the life stage that she is may have contributed to having less f*cks to give when it comes to acting in the way that the public expects you to.
A fantastic substack written by Ellen Scherr argues that many women hit a midlife neurological and hormonal shift that makes them suddenly unable or unwilling to people please. This shift is what she calls “The Great Unf*ckening.” It’s not bitterness, but biology: the brain stops supporting the emotional labour and social smoothing that women have been conditioned to perform since childhood.

We speak about how many relationships can break down when women reach this age where they stop taking on as much of the emotional labour of the relationship and stop suppressing their own emotions and frustrations. We also chat about some of the hormonal and neurobiological changes like oestrogen dropping, synaptic pruning and changes to the prefrontal cortex.
Losing relationships because you stopped performing isn’t actually loss. It’s clarity about what was never really there.

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Hosted by Britt Hockley & Laura Byrne

Produced by Keeshia Pettit

Video Produced by Vanessa Beckford

Recorded on Cammeraygal Land

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
This episode was recorded on Cameragle Land. Hi, guys, and welcome.

Speaker 2 (00:13):
Back to another episode of Life on Cut. I'm Britney,
I'm Laura.

Speaker 3 (00:16):
Hi everyone, but clench, keep it tight, keep it tight,
keep it tight, keep it light. No, I am clenching
because I'm trying to do kegels all the time now
because I think I have the organ prolapse.

Speaker 2 (00:27):
That's not the funniest way to start the do.

Speaker 1 (00:32):
Well, Laura way to bring the moon down.

Speaker 2 (00:33):
Like we're like, hah, buttole She's like, I'm prelapsing.

Speaker 1 (00:36):
That wasn't even why I said, are you clenching? Because
we were talking about Brittany. No, I know, I know,
but I am worried.

Speaker 3 (00:42):
I'm going to go to a public floor specialist because yeah,
I think there's signs there's signs of a prolapse.

Speaker 1 (00:48):
Guys, Is it that I can see your organs on
the ground that my colon is coming out of me?
You've been dragging it in. You're like, I feel like
something's attached to my shoe, is your inside? So it's
yet it's because I'm carrying my colon around in my hand.

Speaker 4 (01:00):
So you know this means that it's like if I
won the lottery.

Speaker 1 (01:03):
I wouldn't tell anyone, but there would be. That's when
I just pictured it.

Speaker 5 (01:06):
If Laura has prolapsed, she won't tell anyone, but it
will be.

Speaker 1 (01:10):
It will be.

Speaker 3 (01:11):
What do you mean, I won't tell anyone as if
I'm not going to tell all of you. True, there's
nothing sacred in my life anymore.

Speaker 1 (01:16):
You guys know it.

Speaker 2 (01:16):
All talking about nothing sacred. Laura and I were trying
to have a business meeting the other day. It was
very serious, but it was only by a text. She
tried to call me. I couldn't answer.

Speaker 3 (01:25):
It's so serious a platform because I kept calling Bride
like we needed to sort some stuff out, and I
kept calling her and she'd hang up with me. But
then she text me straight away. You know that person
and they're texting and you can see they're online. So
you're like, I'll just call them. We'll get this done quickly.

Speaker 1 (01:39):
You do do that a lot. Actually read the room.
Laura read the room.

Speaker 2 (01:43):
There was a reason I was hanging up on you.
So eventually she's like antiphone. I was like, Laura, I'm
getting my butthole lasered as we speak.

Speaker 1 (01:49):
And then just in case she'd believe me. I sent
her a selfie my laser goggles front one like this said,
not the selfie, the butthole, A selfie of my face
getting the laser.

Speaker 2 (01:57):
And she's like, you're.

Speaker 1 (01:58):
Talking to me wegging but hoole, And I was like, yeah,
that's why I can't take you call. Right, I'm glad.

Speaker 3 (02:02):
I'm glad that you still put so much effort into
that part of your body because I haven't seen mine
in a long time. I'm positive I have pretty bad hemorrhoids.
Now ah, sorry everyone, this is really this is a lot,
but we should start at the bottom and then go
to the top. Surely, if someone had to pick.

Speaker 2 (02:17):
One of most to fucking me now because you got
a pro LuFe an hemorrhoids, surely I get to pick it.
I got the laser butthole sending this to Mitchturi because
he once chose you over me.

Speaker 1 (02:26):
To be fair, since the buttle is what it's his poison,
I don't reckon he's choosing mine anymore.

Speaker 3 (02:33):
So yeah, great, wow, welcome everyone, Welcome back to another episode.

Speaker 1 (02:37):
Oh haang, And I will finish that. I'll finish that.
It's not that I care that much. I did care, right,
so I started my laser process.

Speaker 2 (02:44):
Everyone that knows about laser it's like ten you can
need ten packages.

Speaker 1 (02:48):
Like it's like you can't just go and get laser
once it has that's a lie. No, it's not forty.

Speaker 2 (02:53):
It's not because I got it done years and years
and years ago, like ten years ago, and it was great,
and I didn't finish it and it eventually came back.
So this is why I'm finishing it. So I think
I only have maybe two more expeditions left. But I
tell you what, it's a wild ride every time you
go there, Like we were talking about it years ago
with the waxing keish, every time you go there, it's
a different process.

Speaker 1 (03:14):
I'm getting credit card slips down my butt crack. Now.

Speaker 2 (03:16):
Sometimes they get it in there. Sometimes they pull it open.
Sometimes I pulled it open. This time they had me
pull it open. She got right in there was a
new girl I hadn't had, and so I was holding
it whilst Laura's was just texting Laura with my chin
in front of the phone holding my butt crack open.

Speaker 1 (03:30):
Different styles.

Speaker 2 (03:31):
So she was in there and she was like sort
of going around this circle and then she stopped from it,
and I thought she was done, and so I let
the buck go and it trapped the laser in there.

Speaker 6 (03:42):
And she was like oh, but I was like, oh,
not done, and I had pulled it open. I was like,
very humbly, that's very and I was like, clutched it
in there and the lasers in there like a pan.

Speaker 1 (03:52):
It was a whole thing. Jeerly it was every time
I go. So there's some adventure, guys, I've just given up.

Speaker 3 (03:58):
I have given like I know that I'll there will
be a time when I care again.

Speaker 1 (04:02):
Maybe maybe, but right now it's not neat.

Speaker 3 (04:04):
I'm out of sight, out of mind, absolutely, and I've
got really bad hip flexus now too, so I literally
can't see it even if I wanted to. I can't
bend down that far, and I constantly have a baby
strap to me, So like the last of my worries
is what's going on behind me.

Speaker 1 (04:17):
I'm barely looking at what's in front of me. I
don't fucking care.

Speaker 2 (04:21):
I think that's okay.

Speaker 3 (04:22):
I do want to apologize. I know I do this
on every episode because I have poppy strap to me.
But we are on borrow time. We are playing Russian
Roulette with this baby now, because normally we record at
eight o'clock, which is like when she goes back down
for her second nap, it's ten thirty.

Speaker 5 (04:36):
What the fuck are we doing? Like this is party
time for this kids. So it could we slipped a
bit of rum on the gum.

Speaker 1 (04:42):
Yeah.

Speaker 3 (04:42):
I might actually only be on this episode for twenty
minutes and then Kisha, you're up.

Speaker 1 (04:46):
Yeah, who knows. I'll pass that.

Speaker 3 (04:47):
But I have an update though, which is like a
real personal update since we've started with all the filths. First,
I'll get it out of the way. I had sex
with my husband first time post baby in the.

Speaker 1 (04:58):
Three Thank you very much.

Speaker 2 (05:00):
Please the pigeons, I mean the doves.

Speaker 1 (05:05):
Let me tell you. I released the moths more like it.
The hair he had part through the jungle.

Speaker 6 (05:10):
I just pictured that scene from Scary Movie where he
takes Runnings off and the bush goes and pushes head
to the room.

Speaker 3 (05:15):
It was no, no, no, we're fine, We're fine. It
was I'm not gonna lie though, it's very magical.

Speaker 2 (05:21):
No, no, daunty, let's guess guess the ending.

Speaker 1 (05:25):
Pick your own ending. It's daunting.

Speaker 3 (05:27):
It's daunting, especially after number three, because things are definitely
more changed than what they were after one.

Speaker 1 (05:33):
After two, it was just on Sunday. Yeah, what was.

Speaker 5 (05:37):
Happening on Sunday you manifest it for me is that
when you were getting lazy, No interesting, what happened?

Speaker 3 (05:43):
So my husband on Monday was and he was so
much happier.

Speaker 2 (05:47):
I actually was like, Wow, he was in a good
mood because you fucked that night before. And it's been
a long time for the guy. That makes so much
sense to me.

Speaker 3 (05:54):
Well, it's been three months, so we didn't have sex
for the last month of my pregnancy, and that pubby
is almost eight weeks old, so yeah, it's been three months.
I mean, on one hand, you kind of feel like
a virgin again because you're like, hello, I guess we're
gonna do this. On the other hand, you feel far
from a virgin. And anyway, it was great. We had
great sex.

Speaker 2 (06:10):
Was it painful?

Speaker 3 (06:11):
Not painful? I was expecting it to be painful. Wasn't painful?
Was like, very enjoyable.

Speaker 2 (06:18):
My face grewn along your journey.

Speaker 1 (06:19):
I'm like, what hell? Tell me? What was the position?
She did? All the positions? One position? I know your
hip flex is allowed.

Speaker 5 (06:28):
That no, I woke up the next day in agony,
but it wasn't because of anything that was going on internal.

Speaker 1 (06:36):
What's that thing you get when you exercise doms delayed
onset muscle? No, I did something to a hip flexer
and couldn't walk the next day for riding the man.

Speaker 3 (06:45):
I literally this hip flexer here, I was like, hold
out of bed like this old lady.

Speaker 5 (06:50):
So I don't want to victim blame here. But if
you're going to have sex for the first time after
giving birth, where the fuck are you riding?

Speaker 1 (06:57):
That? Is sure your time to darfish.

Speaker 5 (07:00):
I know we just we went on the side or
you just imagine Laura, you're just like who you are,
way too enthusiastic.

Speaker 1 (07:08):
We tried three positions.

Speaker 3 (07:09):
Well, so you've got writing missionary side writing. Also, I
don't know how other mums are doing this because and
I don't actually even remember. It's me so long since
Lala was a baby. I don't remember. Are we doing

(07:30):
it with the kid in the bassinette next to the bed?

Speaker 1 (07:32):
Like? Is that what we're doing? You can is that
what we're doing? Oh? It is fine, I don't remember.
It's a little bit disorientating though not gonna lie.

Speaker 5 (07:38):
I have actually had an experience where the first time
I had sex with my partner. Now, I remember, towards
the end of it, I looked down and Deliles's peed
was placed up against the bed watch.

Speaker 2 (07:50):
It was like, because dogs get it more, Yeah, don't
your dog too, which.

Speaker 1 (07:55):
Kind of brings you into the room a little bit
in a weird way. I don't have telepathy with Delight.

Speaker 2 (08:03):
Imagine if I was watching you have sexually Delilah, go
home and tell you what I happened.

Speaker 1 (08:07):
That's so funny.

Speaker 2 (08:08):
No, I think dogs are weird, especially because Delilah, like
she thinks I'm being hurt, so she wants to get
in there. So sometimes she's on the bed and I'm
like this too much.

Speaker 3 (08:16):
Dogs are weird because like they can be put outside.
A baby, on the other hand, I can't just try.
And also she was asleep in the basinet. No, if
you can just wheel it to the hallway, it doesn't
have wheels, And if I was to transfer her at
that point, it's like so long even remotely getting down
and doing anything. She was in a deep sleep. She was,
you know, on the side of the bed. But they

(08:37):
newborn babies make a lot of noise like they're not quiet,
and it's something that unless you have kids, you wouldn't
really realize, Like you kind of just think like, oh,
a peaceful newborn baby, the amount of noise that comes out,
and they're like.

Speaker 1 (08:51):
It's not hot.

Speaker 5 (08:51):
Matt was like, I thought that was your sorry too far. Anyway,
Look we did it. Let's play a game.

Speaker 3 (08:59):
Oh, Poppy, you've got the first cab off the ranks.
It was better than I thought it was going to be.
I'm sure it'll be six weeks before we do it again.

Speaker 1 (09:06):
I was bad to say, are we back? Are you back?
In the game.

Speaker 3 (09:08):
She's going to see the physio for a hip flexes
and I'm going to go to a women's health physio.
I think it's really important and it's not something it is.

Speaker 2 (09:16):
It is like the joke's aside, like lahahaha, it is
very important.

Speaker 1 (09:20):
Yeah, and I've never done it before.

Speaker 3 (09:21):
I know I should have probably done it after the
last two, but I haven't.

Speaker 1 (09:25):
I'm just doing kegels. Every time I get to a
red traffic light.

Speaker 3 (09:28):
It's the time where I clench because that's like my reminder.
So if I'm stopped at a traffic light, you better
believe that I'm clenching my buttthole.

Speaker 2 (09:35):
So what do you feel like if we take a
serious snapche and when you say you're feeling a bit
of a pro lips, are you just feeling really heavy?
Like it just feel like it just bears down. Is
it slightly painful? Can you physically feel something?

Speaker 3 (09:47):
No pain, It just feels like gravity's taken a hold
a bit. And if I need to go to the
toilet to do a pooh, it's like an instant I
need to go, and it feels like I'm gonna like
I know, I'm not going to it's fine, Like I'm
not gonna pressure. It just feels like there's like I'm fine, fine, fine, fine,
instant pressure. And I'm like, okay, that's a weird sensation.
So I yeah, I'm gonna go and get it checked out.

Speaker 1 (10:07):
I will report, and.

Speaker 3 (10:10):
If I do have one, I'm happy to wave that
flag everyone for all women out there with prolapse.

Speaker 1 (10:14):
I'm good for you. Yeah, I'm happy for you.

Speaker 2 (10:16):
I'm glad keep having sex with Matt because it makes
my life better. Believe it or not, your your sex
life impacts me.

Speaker 1 (10:23):
Okay, well I have an update.

Speaker 2 (10:25):
Tell me if I've gone too far, so I probably
and it's like me to go too far.

Speaker 1 (10:29):
But I don't know if you would have done this
or not.

Speaker 2 (10:30):
And this is what I want your own opinion. Because
I have spoken about Uber drivers before, they have wanted
to take me home in their basement.

Speaker 1 (10:37):
So I got happy to blame them, honestly, right with
the human.

Speaker 2 (10:42):
I got back from the Gold Codes on the weekend
and got to the airport in Sydney, got an Uber.
Obviously that's what you do. So because I don't have
anyone here that picked me up.

Speaker 1 (10:50):
Violin, I've just remember where this story is.

Speaker 2 (10:53):
Yeah, And so I ordered my Uber and I look
at the app and it says he's here, and I
met the waiting and I'm like okay, looking around, I'm like,
there he is, got his car, walked across to his
car locked, no one in.

Speaker 1 (11:06):
There, and I was like, look, okay.

Speaker 2 (11:08):
Looking down, I was like, it's definitely the nun plate.
And I wrote to him in the message I'm here
and he's like, yes, me too. I said no, you're not.

Speaker 1 (11:17):
You're not in the car.

Speaker 2 (11:19):
I said no, I'm at the car and you're not here,
and he said coming.

Speaker 1 (11:23):
And I was like okay, waited for a little bit.

Speaker 2 (11:25):
A couple of minutes later, five minutes later, he arrived
and he's like he was so lovely, and he was like,
I'm so sorry.

Speaker 1 (11:32):
I had to go to the toilet.

Speaker 2 (11:33):
I had to run across to the air I was like,
that's okay, Like we all need to go to the toilet,
and he's like, yes, yes, yes, very very busting. But
there wasn't a toilet, and I said oh and he
so he obviously ran across to the airport, which isn't
that close, Like you have to go a little bit.

Speaker 1 (11:47):
He's obviously looked.

Speaker 2 (11:48):
For the toilet, realized that his ride has been accepted.

Speaker 1 (11:52):
Oh, and you are like, hurry back, hurry back.

Speaker 2 (11:55):
But you know, you get ratings and stuff, so I'm
sure he was like, oh, the toilet is probably too far.
She'll give me a bad rating.

Speaker 1 (12:00):
Whatever. So he's just come back.

Speaker 2 (12:02):
So we're in the car driving, and I'm driving t
Keisha's house because that's where I leave my car and
my dog and so when I fly back in, I
go pick my car up. A He's as anyway, he's like.

Speaker 1 (12:11):
Do you mind if we stop for the toilet?

Speaker 2 (12:14):
And I'm an ibs girly, I know there is nothing
worse than when you need to go to the toilet.
You have to go, and I couldn't imagine, well, I
couldn't imagine the outcome, right, if you're not going to
stop the toilet, what's the outcome.

Speaker 1 (12:26):
Going to be?

Speaker 2 (12:27):
I said, yeah, of course you can stop and go
to the toilet.

Speaker 1 (12:29):
Brittie's like, but please stop the watch, stop the cloth. Yeah,
is this needed?

Speaker 2 (12:34):
And so people pull into a service station and he
runs in and he's gone for a couple of minutes
and he comes back out. He's like, no toilet, and
I was like, oh my god, I'm so sorry. He's like, ugh,
drove for a couple of minutes. He's like, sorry, do
you mind if we stop again? And I try again,
and I'm a nice person, but in my head I
was like, oh the fuck.

Speaker 1 (12:52):
How long is this going to take?

Speaker 2 (12:53):
And I said, yeah, that's okay again because I know
what it's like, and he's obviously busting, pulls into another
service station, comes back minutes later, no toilet.

Speaker 1 (13:02):
I was like, this is fucking comical.

Speaker 3 (13:04):
I was like, oh my god, how is the Great
Toilet Tour of twenty twenty five what it was.

Speaker 2 (13:08):
And then we kept driving and I'm messaging Keisha because
I gave her an Eta and I said, bro, I'm sorry,
we're late.

Speaker 1 (13:13):
I said, he hasn't gone to the We can't find
a toilet. You want to know? Wait? Do you want
to know? Way?

Speaker 2 (13:19):
He did, wait, wait, wait, go, So then we kept
going and he said sorry, ma'm are you in a rush?
And I thought, I was like, he's going to stop
for the toilet again. I said, look sort of. I
was like a little bit because I thought he's just
going to stop it every toilet. I said a little bit,
He's like okay, and then I felt so bad. So
he drove me to Keisha's and I messaged Keisha and
I said, may I said, my uber driver's busting. Guess

(13:41):
he came through the door, Jenny, come, can he come
in and go to the toilet?

Speaker 1 (13:45):
Yess?

Speaker 4 (13:46):
He walked into my house amazing, shut the door behind him.

Speaker 1 (13:50):
To his credit, he was lovely, and I said to him.
He pulled up and I said, do you want to
use our bathroom?

Speaker 2 (13:55):
And then I said there's multiple dogs in there and
multiple people, like I'm not alone, but I said, do
you want to use a bathroom and he's, oh my god,
can I.

Speaker 1 (14:01):
That is so generous of you to offer up Keisha's toilet.

Speaker 2 (14:04):
I checked it. I checked it with Keisha. No I said, look,
this is my stitch. My uber drives about to either
shat himself.

Speaker 1 (14:11):
Or you gotta do it. And so it was so funny.
We opened it.

Speaker 6 (14:15):
We walked him in, We walked him to the toilet,
and then Kishould I just stood outside and I walked
him out and I was like, farewell, give me five stars.

Speaker 1 (14:21):
He walked him to my front door to see him off.
If I did. I saw him off, and I.

Speaker 3 (14:26):
Was like, by if he doesn't give you a five
star rating for that, we should riot.

Speaker 1 (14:30):
But then somebody was like, you're crazy to let an
uber driver into your toge the toilet, no am. I
I vetted him.

Speaker 2 (14:38):
I vetted him for solid twenty two minutes. He was nice,
and I thought, the guy's obviously busting if you have
stopped three times with a passenger in your car, like
you're a critical state.

Speaker 3 (14:47):
I disagree on that mentality. If you're going to get
in a car with him as a stranger, then it's
fine for him to come.

Speaker 2 (14:52):
And it's definitely different from going into a house and
locking the door.

Speaker 1 (14:56):
But there's multiple people in there.

Speaker 3 (14:57):
If you're in there by yourself, i'd say that's what
that sounds like, zero killar vibes.

Speaker 1 (15:00):
But like if it's just yeah, we're fine.

Speaker 5 (15:03):
Yeah, you know, I'm running an Airbnb now. I actually
saw a video on Instagram the other day that apparently.

Speaker 1 (15:09):
I think it was Scotland.

Speaker 4 (15:10):
Sorry, if there's any Scottish listens and this isn't true.

Speaker 5 (15:13):
I think there's a rule that if someone has to
use your bathroom and I legally have to let them in.

Speaker 2 (15:17):
If somebody knocks on your door in Scotland and these
use the bathroom, you have to let them. I don't
think you're actually going to go to prison or something
if you say no, But it's one of those old laws,
a gentleman's law. Do you know what the Scottish National
animal is?

Speaker 1 (15:29):
Sorry, quickly, okay, I have a fun fact after this.
Mine's funner, Mine's funner.

Speaker 2 (15:33):
Scottish National animal.

Speaker 1 (15:35):
Oh, it's got to be something like a sheep. That's
I think that's giving New Zealand locknest monster.

Speaker 2 (15:41):
No, no, but you're not far real, No, you're not
far off it's a unicorn.

Speaker 1 (15:46):
I'll stop it. No, Land of the Leprechords, but that's Ireland.

Speaker 4 (15:52):
They don't like it when you get that confused.

Speaker 5 (15:53):
No, I'm sorry about that. Sorry, Sorry, Can I share
my fun fact? So years ago when I was working
in radio, it's a story when the announces found out
one of the breakfast hosts found out that there's some
old lord that you have to be able to tether
your horse to your workplace. So he rode a horse
to work and they had to free up a whole
car space for him in the car park because apparently

(16:15):
there's some old law that you've got to be able
to park your horse.

Speaker 3 (16:18):
That is not That sounds that sounds very radio, doesn't it.
That's something a breakfast radio person would do.

Speaker 1 (16:24):
You know what? It also sounds free parking in Sydney.

Speaker 3 (16:29):
Horses unless the horse is tended to a car. It
really isn't going to help me.

Speaker 5 (16:34):
Can imagine Laura going across the Harbor Bridge on a
horse just to make a point because I once worked
in radio, Hey I have In case you didn't know,
we got fired.

Speaker 1 (16:44):
Fired we chose to make a better lifestyle decision.

Speaker 3 (16:48):
We've made a better choice for ourselves and that's maternally
leave until indefinitely.

Speaker 1 (16:52):
And car space payment. We get part. We get pre
parking out. We didn't get pre parking.

Speaker 2 (16:58):
I have another story that I want to tell you,
but this is one of those stories that's not funny
but funny.

Speaker 1 (17:03):
So it's not funny, but if we all laugh, we
could make it funny. So if it doesn't land, it's okay, Bully,
it's pretty. No, it's edited out.

Speaker 2 (17:09):
It's funny because of what preceded it, and it's not
funny what happened. So Claire, who you guys have met
a few times on the podcast.

Speaker 1 (17:17):
You might have seen her in our life. She works
behind the scenes on Lap one Cut.

Speaker 2 (17:20):
She's the one that we've been getting the most unfiltered
dating stories on the podcast, allegedly.

Speaker 1 (17:24):
Just we've been describing her as our single friend. No
Claire was on the pod.

Speaker 3 (17:28):
She came on her and she spoke about the app
that's no longer running anymore, the AI dating app that
we spoke about it like artificially linked you with someone,
but it flopped and they took it out of Australia.

Speaker 2 (17:38):
We've spoken about her a few times, so most of
you will know who she is. She's a good friend
about so sorry, I'm slurping my ice lato, I shall stop.
So her and I went to She came to the
Gold Coast with me last weekend and it was great fun.
Now we went to get lunch and we had just
been at the beach. We parked the car and we
went to get these toasted sandwiches and we had to
part down this like little alley and inn. It was

(18:00):
about one hundred and fifty meters away, I guess, is
what I'm trying to say.

Speaker 1 (18:02):
But it was in a gravel car park. Because we had.

Speaker 2 (18:05):
Been at the beach, we didn't have shoes on, and
we're like, oh, can't be about to put shoes on.
We're just gonna run up and get our toasty. So
we started walking and we're like, oh my god, it's
actually like so many it was so sharp. We're like,
let's walk on the grass on the side, and the
grass was probably like ten centimeters long, and we were
we literally were saying, oh, how nice is it just

(18:26):
to be free, like to be barefoot?

Speaker 1 (18:30):
Did you guys take acid before this?

Speaker 2 (18:32):
No, Claire's a little bit I don't know how to
describe Claire. Claire's very natural.

Speaker 1 (18:38):
Would you say you were the one giving a sage
to burn. That's a good point, I am, it's Clare.
It's definitely clear clear she made.

Speaker 2 (18:47):
What I'm saying is we were walking right and Claire said, oh,
it's probably good for us.

Speaker 1 (18:51):
We have not worn shoes because we want a grounds.
It's good to ground.

Speaker 2 (18:54):
You know. Grounding where is where you walk barefoot on
the ground, you connect with the earth.

Speaker 1 (18:58):
And I was like, look, I'm not really likes to
connect with Gucci shoes. Yeah, no, today's I don't want
to connect the ground. If anyone's listening, I would also
like to connect with Prada. Ground is listening. I want
to connect with Prada.

Speaker 2 (19:14):
But she's walking along and she's like, it is probably
good for us to a ground and I was like,
you're probably right.

Speaker 1 (19:19):
I said, look, personally, I'm not a ground up, but
I must admit it feels good.

Speaker 2 (19:22):
She's like, right, it's important to connect with the earth.
And I was like, you know what, You're right, I'm
going to connect with the earth more then seamlessly. Seconds apart,
she said we should be grounding. I said, I'm going
to connect.

Speaker 1 (19:35):
With the earth. More. I took a step. I went out.
She looked down and she goes, is that a needle?
Seconds apart? You could not script this.

Speaker 2 (19:44):
And this is what I mean by saying it's not funny.
She said, it's great to ground. I said, I'm going
to do it. More took a step out. Is that
a needle?

Speaker 1 (19:51):
She looked down.

Speaker 2 (19:52):
I stepped on something.

Speaker 4 (19:54):
Oh no, I have full needles.

Speaker 1 (19:56):
She looked down. There was the syringe that didn't have
the needle in it.

Speaker 4 (20:01):
So was it a needle or was it a syringe?

Speaker 2 (20:03):
Well, the plungey part or the syringe part was in
front of Claire, but.

Speaker 1 (20:09):
It was missing the needle.

Speaker 2 (20:10):
So the assumption is the needle is probably half a
meter away in front of me, and I've stepped on
that and she's got the syringe. Anyway, I just froze,
looked down and I was like, I don't want to
take another step, But also, is there a needle in
my foot? Am I going to have to be tested
for HIV or something? Within seconds, everything is running through
your head because you're thinking.

Speaker 1 (20:31):
Oh my god, fuck you Claire for making me ground,
for making me ground.

Speaker 5 (20:35):
I was like, is this Pratas I was like, this
is why I wear Gucci.

Speaker 1 (20:40):
My Gucci crocs that are like if I had my
Gucci crocs.

Speaker 2 (20:43):
On, there's no way, no needle is getting through that.

Speaker 1 (20:47):
Anyway, what was the end of the story. So we like, ok,
we like crabbed back. Did you get a good hit?

Speaker 2 (20:53):
It was a great I don't remember the rest of
the day, don't remember.

Speaker 1 (20:58):
That was it for me. I had a really.

Speaker 7 (21:00):
Good sleeper everywhere. Can you give me some I've had
four hours. This is what I mean by it's funny.
Not funny now the only reason I'm laughing and it's
not funny. So we crab walked off to the side,
back onto the road, like.

Speaker 1 (21:14):
Looking where we were going, sat down somewhere.

Speaker 2 (21:17):
And I studying my foot for any like even one
droplet of blood to know that there was something that
pierced it. And my foot was very dirty because I
had been grounding, so I was trying to wash it
and see anyway. I did not see one bit of blood,
which makes me think cool, if it was that, it's
like scratched the surface. It hasn't penetrated. It hasn't.

Speaker 1 (21:37):
But there was that moment there where I thought, this
is it.

Speaker 5 (21:40):
I really hope this isn't one of those moments we're
in six months time we.

Speaker 1 (21:43):
Putt we flashed back to this moment.

Speaker 5 (21:47):
Now has t to see Brittany's no longer with us
at that moment.

Speaker 1 (21:54):
This was the moment, no life change. Anyway, What a
wild ride my weekend has been, guys.

Speaker 3 (21:59):
I was gonna talk about Sherlac now a polish but like,
I'm glad we covered that first.

Speaker 1 (22:06):
Last week.

Speaker 3 (22:06):
You guys, if you listened to the episode, you might
remember that we were speaking about the Golden Bachelor, specifically Jeannette,
who was the woman who came second dumped at the
Altar in South Africa.

Speaker 1 (22:15):
I feel Jeanette, there is a community of us. Okay,
So she was left.

Speaker 3 (22:20):
Bear said he didn't want to be with her, and
then there was loads of articles that came out the
next day saying that she was really angry because she
wasn't upset. She wasn't angry, she wasn't like, she didn't
yell at him. She was just very to the point,
very matter of fact. She wasn't soft and fruit for
real about it. She didn't tell him how devastated she was.
She just kind of told him to stop talking, and

(22:41):
she said to not disrespect Sonny, which is the woman
that he chose, and she walked off. I would have said, defiant.
News dot Com said angry, and I disagree.

Speaker 1 (22:49):
Of course they did.

Speaker 2 (22:50):
But I think it's unusual because I mean, I want
to say that the response was she didn't have a
normal response, whatever normal means. But I would say that
I didn't have a normal response either. I would say
I'm a bit of a thought leader here because this was.

Speaker 1 (23:03):
Your little pioneer.

Speaker 2 (23:04):
This I'm a pioneer. This was six seven years ago.
But I feel like I did the same.

Speaker 1 (23:09):
If anyone hasn't seen me get dumped and you want
to go and watch it. But but I.

Speaker 2 (23:13):
Had the same thought where I thought, just stop talking.
I didn't say a word. He said, do you want
to have it? Do you want to talk about it?
You have any questions? I said nope, walked away and
never looked back, and I was dead inside. I had
no rage. I wasn't upset. I mean I was upset,
but I was just nothing. I just thought, cool, you've
made your choice, there is nothing left for me here.

Speaker 1 (23:33):
I'll exit the building.

Speaker 3 (23:34):
Well, this is the thing, right, And we kind of
touched on it in the episode that we did last week,
So if we haven't listened, go back listen to Wednesday's episode.
But it was talking about how when you're number two
and you're in your twenties or even your early thirties,
like the seasons that we were on, it's kind of
recommended to you that if you're going to be dumped
at the altar, that you should take that with grace
and kindness right and behave in a way that is

(23:54):
essentially ladylike. And Jeanette went against that, and it got
us talking a little bit more around how you're your
views and your tolerance changes as you age, particularly as
a woman. Now, we wanted to unpack this fantastic substack
which is very much circling this idea, and it's called
the Great Unfuckining. This is the social reckoning that I

(24:14):
think we are all headed for as women. I don't
think it could have been worded any better than this.
So the article is called aging out of Fox, The
Neuroscience of why you suddenly can't pretend anymore your brain's
middle finger to people pleasing. It's written by a woman
named Ellen Sherr. The substack opens with this You're in
a meeting, someone says something objectively wrong, and instead of
doing your usual dance, the soft correction, the diplomatic phrasing,

(24:36):
the careful preservation of everyone's feelings, you just say it
that's not accurate. No cushioning, no apology, no emotional labor
to make your truth more palatable, and everyone looks at
you like you've grown a second head. Welcome to what
I call the great unfuckining, that point in midlife when
your capacity to pretend and perform and please others start
shortening out, like an electrical system that's finally had enough.

(24:59):
You might think that you're becoming difficult, impatient, one of
those bitter old women you were warned about. But here's
what's actually happening. Your brain is restructuring itself, and thank
God for that. Now it goes on to talk about
how this is not bitterness, but it's biology. The brain
stops supporting the emotional labor and the social smoothing that
women have been conditioned to perform since childhood.

Speaker 2 (25:19):
Yeah, so it's an accumulation of a lifetime of being
told who you need to be to be a desirable
woman or a pleasant woman, how you need to read
the room, how you need to be a bit of
a sickerphant, how you need to be soft and laugh
at people's jokes and be a people pleaser, and that's
how you get fire as a woman. But it's interesting
because you spend your whole life doing that, so everybody

(25:40):
thinks that that's who you are, how you should be.
The second that you have noahs, a full sentence or
I don't want to do that with no butts and
no becauses, just leaving it like that, you instantly become
a difficult woman. When you are younger, you're intelligent enough
to know that we know how it is, and we
know how you are perceived. If you are a difficult woman,

(26:02):
you might not be getting the jobs that you want
to get. Now, we're not saying that this is fair
or accurate, but we all know why we do it.
Then you come to an age that we're going to
get into where there is science behind it. There is
biology behind it. But you also get to the age
where you're more confident, and fortunately you also have the
life experience to be in a position to not give

(26:24):
a fuck anymore.

Speaker 3 (26:25):
See, it's interesting that you say we're all aware because
I would. I would dare say that when I was
in my twenties, I wasn't aware, and I talk about
it if from a relationship sense, I stayed in relationships.
As we all know, it has like the backbone of
this podcast where we came from, where you put up
with behavior because you're conditioned to think that maybe potentially
you're not going to like there's nothing better else out there.

(26:47):
The reason why I found this interesting isn't because it's
so much the social behavior of just getting to a
point in life where you're like, actually, I'm done giving
fucks and now I'm older, I don't give a fuck anymore,
so no fucks to give.

Speaker 1 (26:57):
I think it's too simple.

Speaker 3 (26:59):
And for a long time we have blamed things like
perimenopause and menopause, these real hormonal shifts that we go
through as women, as being the reason that we change,
and that change being a negative thing, that change being like, well,
you're no longer the person that you were in your thirties,
and it's because you went through menopause. The reason why
we want to talk about this is because actually there

(27:20):
seems to be this new ideology that's surrounding it, and
this real social shift in the way that we're viewing it,
and instead of it being seen as a negative, like, oh, well,
that relationship broke down because of your menopause, it's actually
being seen of the reason why that relationship broke down
is because you no longer had the same hormones in
your body that made you the people pleasing person that
you needed to be in your twenties or your early thirties.

(27:43):
And now you're coming into this new phase of life
where you have less estrogen, which is the thing that
makes you want to be more agreeable, it makes you
want to be more loving, it makes you want to
create a home and carry all that mental load, and
you've gotten to a point in life where you're like, actually,
why the fuck am I doing this? And it no
longer aligns with an authentic version of yourself. And so
I think that that's what the great unfuckoning is. I

(28:04):
think it's women realizing that yes, they've changed, but they're
not mad about it, and they shouldn't be carrying the
guilt for that shame, which we've been told for so
long is our burden to carry.

Speaker 2 (28:14):
But I think there's some I mean, I would argue
that it's a bit of ali in a bit to b.
Of course, we know the hormonal changes and we're going
to get into that, and a Kisha's going to talk
about that a little bit, like what is actually happening
within your brain when you go through something like menopause
and perimenopause. But I would argue that we are in
a society at the moment where the unfuckooning is happening
a little bit earlier as well, pre pre menopause and

(28:36):
pre menopause. And I say that because I do think
it all comes back to the awareness we have and
the accessibility to things like social media, because that's where
the conversations are happening. That is where we get to
learn how we can value ourself that we actually don't
need to perform a certain way, and we never used
to have access to that. But also you fall into
a category where you've lived a little bit, and once

(28:57):
you have experiences and situations to compare something to, all
of a sudden, you realize what is worth your time.

Speaker 1 (29:05):
Energy, and what you should and shouldn't be caring about.

Speaker 2 (29:08):
It's not about not caring at all about anything, but
it's about realizing what is worth you caring about and
what you're going to let penetrate who you are now.
And I do think the thing that links up with
life experiences is then perspective. This episode is not out yet,
but we recently spoke with Elizabeth Gilbert again and you
might remember we spoke to her last year. She is

(29:29):
the author of Eat, Pray, Love, and she speaks a
lot about her relationship to her ex who passed away
and she nursed her to her death Raya And it
was just a reminder of that again when we recorded
this episode recently, because she speaks about always being a
people please her whole life, and now that she has
this life experience, her feelings of I don't give a

(29:51):
fuck anymore because it is not worth it. And I
know that the time I have on this earth, I
want to use with things that bring me joy and
things that fulfillm my friends and things that make me happy.

Speaker 3 (30:02):
Yeah, and I think that it's I mean, it's too
easy to say it's all hormones or it's not hormones.
But the thing is absolutely life experience is going to
get you to a destination our Every decision that we
make in life gets us to a place where it's
the culmination of. But also I think we would be
foolish to not look at how our hormones affect the
way that we feel and the impact it has because

(30:23):
for so long it has been perimenopause or menopause that
has been at fault. In the same way that when
a woman gets angry or like we get angry.

Speaker 1 (30:32):
People like is it your period, because.

Speaker 3 (30:34):
We've blamed it on hormones, and you're like, yeah, it
probably is my period. No, But it's the same that
it's like, Okay, so you've had a relationship breakdown, or
things are going wrong, or maybe there is rage, or
there is feelings of like resentment or disinterest, or maybe
you're more agitated or angry about something. And this is
specifically for anyone who listens who might be at that
point of going through perimenopause. But the reason why I

(30:54):
think it's fascinating is because I think as women who
are in their thirties, it's something that we should all
at least be conscios. And the thing is is maybe
it's not the fault of Maybe it was like a
wake up call when you've had this plummet of estrogen.
It's made you realize the things that you were doing
to be the peacekeeper in your relationship. It's kind of
like all these things aligned at the same time. One
of the stats I found really interesting when I was

(31:16):
looking into this is that sixty nine percent of divorces
are initiated by women who are over the age of
forty so and like that in itself, seventy percent of
divorces are initiated by women. And it's not because they're
just waking up one day and going, I don't love
my husband anymore. It is the culmination of getting to
a point in life where they're like, I am fucking done.

(31:37):
I am done of the mental load. I'm done of
being the only one person who manages this house. And
there's so much research that's done into the different types
of emotional labor that women carry. And I know it's
a generalization, but it is very real, and it is
something that is experienced in a lot of relationships, not all,
but a lot of relationships.

Speaker 5 (31:56):
It's interesting you're talking about this type of emotional labor laws.
I actually learned about a type of emotional labor that
I'd never heard of before this week, and it's called
self suppression labor.

Speaker 4 (32:04):
It's about monitoring.

Speaker 5 (32:05):
Tone needs and reactions so that we don't trigger conflict
or rejection. And the other side of this, like we're
kind of talking about the social side of this, The
other side that I'm becoming increasingly aware of and there
is actually being more research conducted into, is more like
the neurobiological.

Speaker 4 (32:21):
Side of these things.

Speaker 5 (32:22):
And something I've really struggled with for a long time
is the minimization of how impactful things like hormones or
neurotransmitters can be. Like, our hormones have been dismissed as like,
she's just hormonal. Oh look, you know, like we said,
you're on your period, you're just going through menopause. She's
having all those hormonal changes. And I have a background
in neuroscience and neurobiology. It is absolutely wild to me

(32:45):
that people underplay the impact that those hormones can have.
And the best case for like showing just how much
of a change these things can do is that when
you take drugs, you alter artificially the amounts of neurotransmitters
and hormone in your brain. And you think about the
difference in the behavior that you would expect from someone
who was or wasn't on drugs. We don't dismiss that change.

(33:08):
We don't go like, oh, it's all you know, they're
being ridiculous. We go, of course they're acting differently, they're
on drugs.

Speaker 1 (33:14):
Yeah.

Speaker 3 (33:14):
Well yeah, as I say, we do say they're being ridiculous,
but we know why. Yeah, because we can see it
and pinpointer.

Speaker 1 (33:19):
Yeah.

Speaker 5 (33:20):
So hormonal recalibration that happens around this perimenopause to menopause phase.
It's all about your estrogen levels dropping and alongside that
tends to be this lack of suppression of emotional responses.
So estrogen kind of works in the brain as like
a softening thing. It will soften the amount of conflict
that you might get into, so we de escalate a

(33:41):
lot of those changes mean that if your estrogen is declining,
and it declines pretty rapidly when you hit that phase,
you lose that softness, You lose that care of Oh.

Speaker 4 (33:51):
I just need to de escalate again.

Speaker 1 (33:53):
Is the juice worth the squeeze here?

Speaker 5 (33:54):
And I think it does give you that little bit
more of an abrasive attitude, but not because not because
you're the conflict, because you're actually stopping the suppression of it.

Speaker 4 (34:03):
Of how you've done it in the past.

Speaker 2 (34:05):
And you guys remember I've spoken about it a few
times over the years when we talk about egg freezing
and embryos and stuff like that. I was on contraception
for seventeen years, okay into my early thirties, and I
always spoke about the fact that I thought I was
a sociopath. And I sort of say that jokingly, but
I say it in a way that nothing really bothered me.

(34:25):
I didn't feel much. I wasn't didn't overully get be
bothered by things. I didn't get jealous, I didn't get upset.
My partner could have enraged me, and I would have
been like, cool, whatever, Oh, you've been with multiple people
at the same time.

Speaker 1 (34:37):
Guess I'll leave, you know.

Speaker 2 (34:38):
Probably my reaction on The Bachelor was was that I
just always felt deating side.

Speaker 4 (34:42):
I had lowered emotional reactions.

Speaker 2 (34:44):
And then the second I went off that contraception, off
the pill, and I had all my hormones fled back
to their natural state.

Speaker 1 (34:52):
I realized I had no idea, here are.

Speaker 4 (34:56):
The big feelings, here are the feelings.

Speaker 1 (34:58):
Oh my god, there's a dog outside by window. I
better cry.

Speaker 2 (35:01):
I didn't understand the impact hormones had and I'm a
woman that has studied it, you still don't get it.
And that was the moment I was like far out.
Hormones play such a huge role and there's just so
many people that don't understand.

Speaker 3 (35:13):
But I also don't want I don't want to minimize
someone's experience because there are going to be people who
are either going through these hormonal shifts and have very
big reactions, and those reactions probably don't feel parallel to
what's happening. Like, we know that there can be instances
where hormones can make you act in a way that
makes you feel fucking crazy, and you look back on
that and you're like, oh no, oh no, that's right.

(35:34):
I was getting my period and I just had rage
and I actually do love my husband, Like those things
are real. But I think the thing that we're talking
about is that guilt that you carry as a woman
when you do react to something, because often often I
think you look at it and it's like, objectively, the
behavior or whatever it is that you've been putting up
with is shit, But because you don't normally react to it,

(35:55):
the reaction feels severe and then it's so easy to
blame it on hormones. And I think you know, especially
for women who going through menopause or perimenopause, if you
are feeling rage, if you are feeling an anger or
a frustration towards things that usually slip right under the
radar I don't really care about. I would dare ask
you to really examine. Is it because it's unwarranted or

(36:16):
is it because for a long time you're putting up
with something.

Speaker 1 (36:18):
That you really shouldn't be putting up with.

Speaker 4 (36:20):
And this is actually validated by science. So we were
talking about hormones.

Speaker 5 (36:23):
But the other thing that hormones and every chemical in
our body can do is either turn genes on or
turn genes off. And this happens in a process called
synaptic plasticity or neural plasticity in the brain. But it
happens at every life stage for every person, but there
is a particular period where they're looking into, well, how
much is this happening more.

Speaker 4 (36:41):
It's called synaptic pruning, and it kind of I'm sure
you guys.

Speaker 5 (36:45):
In terms of synaptic plasticity, basically, it's the strengthening or
weakening of certain networks of neurons in your brain and
It's kind of that phrase of like, if you don't
use it, you'll lose it. So the more you use
those particular pathways, the stronger they will become.

Speaker 4 (37:00):
And the opposite applies. So the synaptic pruting.

Speaker 5 (37:02):
If you think about like the branches of a tree
and you're cutting back the ones that you don't really
need that are kind of dying, that's exactly what they're
showing happens in the brain.

Speaker 4 (37:11):
And they've actually found that.

Speaker 5 (37:12):
These people pleasing circuits, particularly in the prefrontal cortex, which
is the part of your brain that's just behind your forehead.
That area of your brain is responsible for things like
emotional regulation, executive function, yeah, fear so executive function. So
that's you know, they're kind of linking this to why
you can get that fog, the perimenopause, menopause or fog.
It may actually have to do with the fact that

(37:34):
your neural circuits in those particular areas.

Speaker 4 (37:36):
Of your brain are literally changing.

Speaker 5 (37:39):
And so I like, for me learning about the science
behind these things, it does the opposite of dismissing it.

Speaker 4 (37:46):
It makes me go, this.

Speaker 1 (37:47):
Is so incredibly real.

Speaker 4 (37:49):
You actually have very limited control.

Speaker 1 (37:51):
Over your behavior. Now the science completely validates the change.

Speaker 4 (37:54):
Yeah, that's the way I see it anyway.

Speaker 5 (37:56):
There are other things that happen, you know, biologically, but
those two things that uturgen changes in the synaptic changes
for me make me go, oh, this actually makes so
much sense. Why the divorce rate for women over forty
is sixty nine percent of them initiating the divorce because
these changes going alongside, you know, the state of life

(38:16):
that they're in where they're just like, do you know.

Speaker 4 (38:18):
What, I've probably got a good forty years left.

Speaker 5 (38:22):
I'm not going to do this suppression of the emotional
labor anymore.

Speaker 4 (38:25):
I'm fucking done.

Speaker 5 (38:26):
Like I've had enough of people pleasing and doing everything
to hold this entire household together.

Speaker 4 (38:32):
I'm out, Like I've had enough.

Speaker 3 (38:33):
What happens when a system that is completely reliant on
your complicity falls apart? Like what happens relationships break down,
work might become challenging, Like things change and things alter,
and when people say like, oh, you've changed, you're like, yeah,
I fucking did. But I think it's important to examine,
like what are the fallouts from us? So, like what
happens when a woman stops performing emotional labor systems? And

(38:55):
relationships that dependent on it will break. She's labeled difficult, changed,
or not a team player anymore, and traits that were
celebrated in men often become criticized in women. I think
the big one about this that we've kind of been
circling is the fact that relationships that depend on it break.
So if your entire relationship that you have built depends
on you being the one who carries all the emotional

(39:16):
and mental load of the family of everything else, then
when you decide to stop doing that anymore and it
requires the other partner to step up to it, often
it doesn't happen because they have benefited from so long
for you doing all and carrying all of it. And
it takes someone who's very emotionally aware and intelligent to
realize maybe this change is permanent and that actually, in

(39:37):
order to maintain and save the marriage that I'm in,
I'm going to have to really step up to the
plate and do a lot of the things that for
the last decade were being done for me.

Speaker 2 (39:45):
It's also hyper dependent on how your partner reacts to
that change in the situation. Are they going to go
along the ride with you? Are they going to want
to understand the science and the hormones behind why you're
doing it and see you through it, or are they
going to use it as a manipulation tactic, like you've changed,
is in manipulat.

Speaker 1 (40:00):
To go back and keep suppressing.

Speaker 2 (40:02):
And when we were doing the research for this, I
actually sent this article the eight different types of emotional
labor that women experience. I sent that to Ben because
we always talk about what we're talking about in the
podcast Ben and I, but I didn't preface it with
this is what we're talking about. I just sent it
to him, got distracted, and I didn't write anything else
about like, hey, this is what we're I'm packing this week.
Then when I spoke to him later that night, he

(40:23):
had written down like a whole list of things that
he needs to do and prepare for Christmas coming up
because I'm going over there and everything that needs to
be done in the house for me to be able
to record over there. And and I was like, wow, baby,
I was like this soonelike him right trying to take
admin off me.

Speaker 1 (40:37):
And I said, how come you've done this list? It's
so unlike you. He said, well, you sent.

Speaker 2 (40:40):
Me that article, And I thought I laughed and I said, Oh,
that's because what we're talking about this week.

Speaker 1 (40:45):
But then I had this moment.

Speaker 2 (40:46):
Where I thought, that is the exact reaction that you
want from a part that night is to be like, Oh,
she's needs something taken off her load, and she's done it.
And that's why I think that's the difference. I think
when you get to that situation that women get to
when everything's changing in their life, the hormones and the menopause,
and they decide they don't want to do it anymore.
I think that is the difference, is having a kind

(41:08):
of supportive partner that wants to go along that ride
with you and help you as opposed to trying to
manipulate you back.

Speaker 3 (41:13):
It really is the key of like what determines whether
a long time relationship survives or not. Like no one's
getting married in their twenties and staying in the same
relationship for fifty years. Those two people are going to
change over and over and over again. And it's purposefully
choosing to cohabitate and live with and you know, evolve
with that person.

Speaker 4 (41:33):
And I think we've spoken about the things that you're
going to lose.

Speaker 5 (41:36):
You know, you're going to lose your ability to suppress
these conflict situations, You're going to lose your ability to
people please. But I think the other side of that
coin is what I hear from so many women who
have gone through this process, where they're like, I feel
like I am so much more authentic. Every one of
my relationships feels real. I feel like I can tell
the truth more. I feel like I don't need to pretend,
I don't need to mask. This is something that neurodiverse

(41:58):
people will be all too familiar with. When you are
able to be around people that you don't have to
mask around, there is a sense of relief that is undescribable.
It is just such a much more enjoyable experience where
you feel so free and you can feel energize from
social situations where you used to feel completely drained from them.
You know that clarity that people talk about getting in

(42:19):
this period of their life where they have a more
profound sense of purpose. Elizabeth Gilbert was talking about this
of how much her friendships have deepened, that intimacy has
grown so much because she's able to just be completely
authentic and truthful with them, and that was something that
it was so nice for me to hear because obviously
I'm not in this phase. Ye I'm thirty two, but

(42:39):
I'm kind of looking at these things. And I've described
this perimenopause or menopausal phase for so long as something
that's really really negative, and I hate that because the
other side of it actually seems really liberating.

Speaker 3 (42:49):
But you know, Kesh, you say you're thirty two, a
lot of people start experiencing the onset of these hormone
ships for perimenopause when they're thirty five. Like, it's not
something that is like outrageously far away saying that you're
going into menopause. But for a lot of people, I mean,
whether you're in your twenties or you're in your thirties
and you're listening to this, this is information that everyone
I know who is going through this now, Like the

(43:11):
people I love who are experiencing these changes, it's like
they wish they knew about it, and then they've woken
up to this aha moment as to like why the
fuck is everything crazy? And that's what I mean by
this social rewiring about how we look at this and
this idea of the great unfuckoning. I really wanted to
read this quote which describes exactly what we've been saying
from the substack. It says this, this is the hard

(43:32):
thing to talk about, but necessary. Some relationships won't survive
your refusal to keep pretending. Friendships built on shared complaining
but not actual intimacy, work relationships that relied on you
doing the emotional labor others weren't doing family dynamics where
you played mediator, peacemaker or emotional manager. When you stop
playing these roles, one of two things happen. The relationship

(43:53):
evolves into something more authentic, or it dissolves because it
was never based on authentic connections in the first place.
Both outcomes are information. Losing relationships because you stop performing
isn't actually lost. It is clarity about what was never
really there. And I think that that is incredibly powerful
for people who feel as though they are in this
phase of life and they are failing at their relationships.

(44:17):
All Right, it is time for suck and sweet our
highlight and low light of the week.

Speaker 1 (44:20):
Brittany, what is your suck?

Speaker 2 (44:21):
Don't have HIV?

Speaker 1 (44:22):
You're were great or heppo? Yes, my suck was?

Speaker 2 (44:27):
I guess it was two weeks ago that we spoke
about it that I was on the cusp of am
I or aren't I going to Italy to see Ben
last week? And I said it was dependent on his team,
his new management. Are they still going to get their
days off? Because it was in our schedule for me
to go and spend ten days with Ben. And I
waited and waited and waited, and then I wasn't going
to Italy. Then we were going to meet in Dubai

(44:48):
for a couple of days, and then we sort of
the way our relationship works for his schedule is you
have to wait till a couple of days before and
then they get told. And so two days before I
was and if I'm meeting him in Dubai for a
couple of days, and anyway, the whole thing fell in
the bin and I didn't get to go and see him.

Speaker 1 (45:06):
So that's my suck, was that I was just waiting.

Speaker 2 (45:08):
It was it was awkward because I was excited to
see him, but I was hyper aware that I might
not go. And then anyway, I didn't end up being
peacocking for nothing.

Speaker 1 (45:15):
That buttthole layser.

Speaker 3 (45:18):
I appreciated it, though, So thanks for sharing, Whitney. We
all appreciate your butthhole Britney.

Speaker 1 (45:23):
Well he's gonna get a bloody good Christmas because he's
got another round coming, got one more booked in.

Speaker 2 (45:28):
So yeah, that was my suck. But I am seeing
him for Christmas and it's fine. It's not long away.
And my suite was that I didn't get an needle
stick injury and I did get to go and spend
that time instead of Ben with Sherry.

Speaker 1 (45:41):
J and baby Meyer. So you had like your Hockley
family Christmas, I had, Yeah, well true that as well,
So I mean so sorry to the rest of the
Hockey family. You guys mean nothing. So I got to
spend the holiday with Ben.

Speaker 2 (45:54):
Was replaced with Jay, Sherry and Meyer, which was nice,
just family stuff, and then we did have the Hockey
family Christmas. It was about forty of us that get
all the cousins. There's you know, there's a big family.
All my cousins have kids as well. It was really
really wholesome. Like we do the pinata, we do Secret Santa,
which Laura doesn't know how to say Chris Kringle, but
we'll call it Secret Santa. But it was really really
cute and it was the only time in like the

(46:16):
last ten years that every single family member has been there.
Every year is someone that can't make it.

Speaker 1 (46:20):
It's usually you too. You're usually everything in Ben. Yeah,
it is always me. I am the family member. So
when I say yes, someone's always away.

Speaker 2 (46:30):
No, there's always someone that can't quite make it because
we're all spread out from like North of Australia down
South Sydney, Port whatever. So that was my last week.

Speaker 3 (46:38):
All right, Well, my sweet is that this child slept
through this entire record. Now it's not really what a
fucking like absolute rock kid is. Okay, So my suck
for the week is, actually, this has been a really
good week, like a midweek Black Friday.

Speaker 1 (46:54):
It's Black Friday. Every body fuck my husband and it's
Black Friday. It's been a good week.

Speaker 3 (47:00):
No, So suck for the week is actually it did
work out to be sweet. Do you know how I
was talking about Ellie being sick and then we had
to get Lola testics. We thought she had sea diff
turns out she just had a good case of the rotavirus.
So yeah, she just had the runs, so she's fine.
No one has seed diff. So it was a suck
because I mean she had gastro but that could be
worse turned out to be sweet. And my sweet for

(47:21):
the week is it is Black Friday, Tony May. And
I'm not just slipping that in there so that you
will go and buy. I am slipping it in there
up up to seety to be surned off by now
bye bye bye, get it, get it, get it.

Speaker 1 (47:31):
We're all walking Bill Vullet. I don't go.

Speaker 2 (47:33):
I don't shop for you on Black Friday. I just
wait for you to give it to me for if
you guys wait long enough, I'm like, she'll be back. No,
it is Black Friday. But the reason why it is
my sweet so we have been working. So it's crazy
how Black Friday has become such like a core part
of retail businesses now, Like you work all year for

(47:53):
this one week. And I know it is capitalism and
fucking everything else. I get it, but it's crazy. It's
changed up people's shop. Back in the day, it used
to be boxing day sales. People would go to the
shopping centers and line up. It was by day and
worst day because you hated it, but you needed that discassy.

Speaker 3 (48:09):
Well, I used to have a shop in Westfield. That's
how I started. So I used to have a shop
in Westfield and the city. People would camp out in
their with their tents so that they were the very
first people through the doors at six am to be
there for the Boxing Day sales. And it was carnage,
like people were fighting over stuff. It was like it
was the scenes that you would see in movies. That's
what used to exist because of online shopping, because of

(48:30):
Black Friday, that doesn't exist anymore. People don't do the
Boxing Day sales in the same capacity. Everything is Black Friday.
And so from a Tony May perspective, we have put
every single dollar of profit that the company has made
this past year back into building the business, so opening
new stores, doing a new website, buying stock, hiring new staff,

(48:50):
opening a new office space. Like it has been this
real grow year of just like fucking grow and work
and hustle and all of that kind of came into
fruition on We did this one the first day of
our Black Friday sales. We did seven three hundred orders,
which is just like what I was one, Why.

Speaker 1 (49:10):
Was it I went?

Speaker 3 (49:11):
I was honestly in the first hour because we did
this special hour of power. We did four thousand, five
hundred orders and I sat at my desk and I
cried like a child.

Speaker 5 (49:19):
I was just like a kind of that's not even
the whole moment, and I'm not even in perry menapause yet,
I don't think so.

Speaker 1 (49:25):
I just couldn't believe it. I just felt amazing.

Speaker 3 (49:27):
Yeah, it was like one of those moments where I
was like, I've worked on this business for sixteen years
and it just felt as though we kind of like
cracked a new ceiling, like we've made it to being
like not so small business anymore.

Speaker 1 (49:39):
You should be so proud because it's a big achievement.

Speaker 2 (49:41):
And I don't know if you heard the same thing then, Kisha,
I was hearing lunches on Laura?

Speaker 1 (49:46):
Is that what you got? Weird that at Christmas party?
We're you hearing pay Rise, We're you hearing boat party?
Get the helicopter? Are you hearing a beat the brute?
I've been saying this a lot.

Speaker 5 (49:58):
We've been talking about on the podcast a lot, so
pardon me for the repetition, but you know, we were
talking about, how can you believe you know, if you
had would have told little brit but she'd interview a
spice girl, Like imagine telling little Britain Port mcquarie. Well,
I sent you the same message yesterday, Laura, because like
you used to work at the Bondai markets on your
weekends because you had that time job. No, no, of course,
there's nothing wrong with that. What I mean is that

(50:20):
your own.

Speaker 1 (50:22):
Good label stuff.

Speaker 5 (50:23):
Your grandparents used to sit there in their chairs because
they would drive you up from Woollongong to do your
market stall, and you named the business after them.

Speaker 4 (50:31):
And I just imagined, like imagine, I don't.

Speaker 5 (50:34):
Know if you're spiritual, if you believe in you know,
particular religion, if they are looking at you go, I
get teary thing about it.

Speaker 1 (50:41):
If they're looking at you going, you know, because you
ate her ashes. That was Papa, so you consumed him.
He was there.

Speaker 3 (50:49):
I certainly ate Papa, you know, even on that. Like
my grandparents were such fucking amazing people. They didn't drive
me up from Woollongong. I lived in Sydney. Oh sorry,
they caught the train up. I'll let you t but
they did. They I would, you know, I would like
pack my day gets. I would set up every Sunday
and they would get on the train with fold out chairs.
They would take their little fold out chairs. They'd get

(51:10):
on the train, they'd go all the way to Central.
Then they'd get the bus from Central over to Bone
Markets and they would get there and they'd set up
their little deck chairs and they'd sit there so that
I had someone if I need to go and have
a toilet break. They would be there all day.

Speaker 5 (51:23):
And they would just at the store behind me, like
the must Laura, who would catch a bus for you?
Now I actually do, and I had a bus to
get paid.

Speaker 1 (51:35):
Yeah, exactly. If I had to save your life, I'd
get a bar.

Speaker 3 (51:40):
Yeah, they would come and they'd sit there, and it
was so that I could go and have lunch break
and a toilet break. It was crazy, and you know,
oh fuck bed. It was so many years a doing that,
and there's been so many people who contributed to it
along the way, and my sister coming on board and
being like my business partner, and I'm talking about this
like we're closing the business.

Speaker 1 (51:55):
It's really just it's just Black Friday.

Speaker 5 (51:58):
But you have to stop and smell the roses and
recognize your achievements.

Speaker 4 (52:02):
Hashtag gratitude, hashtag grounding.

Speaker 3 (52:04):
If you never do though, you always you always just
go on to the next thing. We do the same
thing with Life on cart Like, there's been so many
pinch me moments of you know, like just even some
of the things that we've done with you guys, like
doing the live shows and meeting you all, and like
the size and the scale of those things, and you
think to yourself, oh, I'm going to really appreciate this,
and then the next week you're like, what else have

(52:24):
we got to do?

Speaker 1 (52:25):
And you just get back into the hustle.

Speaker 3 (52:26):
But yeah, yesterday was just really one of those moments
where I was like, Wow, we are not a tiny
little business anymore.

Speaker 1 (52:31):
We are We are a proper legitimate business with stuff
you have.

Speaker 2 (52:36):
I mean, you beat that for a long time, but
I'm glad you've realized it now thanks to Black Friday.

Speaker 1 (52:40):
Thank you everyone. BLA Friday is still on the next Monday,
the end and you guys, you know the drill, hang
on before please go to YouTube. Yes we have.

Speaker 3 (52:47):
I said today we had thirteen subscribers, and News got
angry at me. She was like, we have twelve thousand now,
and I was like, I'm sorry, yeah, no.

Speaker 1 (52:53):
We have thirteen and fourteen thousands. We're killing it. We're
killing it.

Speaker 6 (52:56):
On you.

Speaker 1 (52:56):
We do have a goal, guys.

Speaker 2 (52:58):
The current goal is twenty thousands subscribers and then we're
going to do a sick giveaway subscriber.

Speaker 3 (53:05):
I do want to say YouTube is humbling though, because
like there's been for a while in the podcasting space.
We've been like yeah, a million downloads, kicking goals, like
social media killing it, and then we were like, look
over itt YouTube, let's take over YouTube, and then we're
like browbeam bout.

Speaker 4 (53:20):
But it is a gradual climb.

Speaker 1 (53:22):
Sorry, I love every one of you. Thirteen eight hundred
people and thirty three and thirty three I was actually
I check it, I check it. How the bug is?
We need you to subscribe for a validation. It's a
great refucking of our community.

Speaker 3 (53:40):
We don't care, but just like a little bit no
we yeah, no, no, it's the refucking.

Speaker 1 (53:43):
We do care deeply. No, guys, please go and have
a look and hit subscribe for us.

Speaker 2 (53:47):
We joke we're going to a really good giveaway in
the new year on there, but you have to be
a subscriber to get it, and you're absolutely not gonna.

Speaker 1 (53:52):
Want to miss it.

Speaker 3 (53:53):
We had to pay the necessary as well, so like,
go subscribe and please keep the accent.

Speaker 1 (53:58):
Them fields coming in the same as usual.

Speaker 2 (53:59):
You're ask on cuts, send them into our instagram, which
is Life and Cut podcast.

Speaker 1 (54:03):
Just put ask on cut or actually I'm filtered.

Speaker 2 (54:05):
If you have an aftermath, Now what an aftermath is,
it's an ask gun cut aftermath. If we've ever answered
your question or your friend's question and there has been
some kind of resolution, doesn't have to be good, doesn't
have to be bad. Let us know, write in Sherry,
who is my sister behind the scenes. She's collating them
all and we're going to do some aftermaths as well.

Speaker 1 (54:23):
And that's it from us. Guys. Da da da da da.

Speaker 2 (54:25):
You know the drill to dot tr friends and hit
subscribe because we love love, We love love.