August 17, 2025 • 63 mins
On this episode of No Filter, Kate Langbroek sits down with Mel Robbins, the woman who has turned life advice into a global movement. Mel’s journey from nearly losing everything to becoming one of the most influential voices in self-help is nothing short of remarkable. She’s built a brand, a business, and a worldwide following—and she’s here to share the lessons that could help you take control of your own life.
Mel opens up about the struggles that shaped her biggest insights, explains her ‘Let Them’ theory and how it can change the way you approach your life, and shares how she transformed advice into a business and a global movement. She also reveals practical tips to stop overthinking and start living, and exclusively for Australian and New Zealand fans, Mel shares some huge news you won’t want to miss.
If your life feels messy, chaotic, or overwhelming, this episode is packed with insights and strategies to help you get out of chaos mode—and start living on your terms.
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CREDITS:
Guest: Mel Robbins
Host: Kate Langbroek
Executive Producer: Naima Brown
Senior Producer: Bree Player
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Video Producer: Josh Green
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:10):
You're listening to a MoMA Mia podcast.
Speaker 2 (00:13):
Mama Mea acknowledges the traditional owners of land and waters
that this podcast is recorded on Keith.
Speaker 1 (00:18):
A lot of people will ask we Mel, how the
hell did you build this insane business that you have
and this podcast and these books? And how do you
have thirty five people working for you in studios in
Boston you're fifty six? How do you, I literally say,
by learning how to get out about on the mornings
I don't feel like it.
Speaker 3 (00:43):
Hello, and welcome to No Filter. I'm Kate lane Brook,
and today we're diving into the world of the one
and only Mel Robins, someone who's built a global empire
not just on advice, but on real, raw, transformative change.
(01:03):
Mel's journey from nearly losing everything to becoming one of
the most influential voices in self help is nothing short
of extraordinary. But what really sets her apart is how
she's turned that message into a business, a brand, and
a worldwide movement, so much so that she's now one
(01:24):
of the most in demand speakers on the planet. Getting
Mel on the podcast wasn't easy. She's got one of
the busiest calendars of any guests that we've booked, but
here we are and it's absolutely worth the wait. In
this episode, we'll explore how Mel's let Them theory has
changed the way millions approach their lives, and exclusively here
(01:49):
on No Filter, Mel shares huge news for her Australian
and New Zealand fans. This is the global phenomenon that
is Mel Robin's.
Speaker 1 (02:02):
Hella hell a lovely one. How are you?
Speaker 3 (02:08):
I'm well? I had a I had. I had to
let them almost disaster this morning when I got up,
because it's early happened. Well, it's I got up at
four am for you, because at six am my guard
and I went to have a thank you for doing that. Well,
you're worth it, I believe. Sorry. I went to have
(02:30):
a shower and there was no water, no water really,
and i'd put a hair treatment in last night I
happened the council doing something fixing. Then I had to
wake up my husband. You know that thing? Will I
wake him up? Will I have to? I woke him up.
He goes downstairs in his undies. Outside he's fiddling with
(02:51):
the water met the dog's behind him. It's like last night.
I love this man. And then he says to me.
I got a message on my phone that you should
also have, which I don't have, from the council saying
the Sint Kilda Water which is where we live, is
off until six a m. Well six a m is.
Speaker 1 (03:12):
Now when I'm yeah, you're kidding, So you just still
have your treatment here.
Speaker 3 (03:16):
Well you know what I did? I wash.
Speaker 1 (03:19):
I would have just let it in and made it
a high bond.
Speaker 3 (03:21):
Well I couldn't because it was so greasy. I wanted
to have a nice a for mel Robbins. You've always
got nice hair.
Speaker 1 (03:27):
Oh are you kidding me? Do you know the worse
I look, the better our content.
Speaker 3 (03:31):
Do you think?
Speaker 4 (03:33):
No?
Speaker 1 (03:33):
I I know, of course yes, Like no, my kids
will always go like, God, why did you put that
video up? You look terrible. I'm like I went to
the grocery store looking like this, like what what's the problem. No,
you know what it is. It's because our brand is
really friend and the more dulled up I am, the
(03:56):
less it's us. And so you know, we just kind
of roll up to the camera and if hair is
a disaster or you know, it just is what it is.
Speaker 2 (04:08):
Like.
Speaker 3 (04:08):
This is how I well, I do love your greeting.
That you always do. I'm going to say it to you.
Hello friend, Hello mel Robins, Welcome to No Filter. I'm
your new friend, Caitline Brooke.
Speaker 1 (04:25):
I don't think you're a new friend. I think you've
been an old friend, and so thank you for welcoming
me as a friend. You know, I kind of believe
we are all friends on the road of life. I
think about the fact that you can learn anything from
anybody if you're willing to kind of lean in. And
there are going to be times, Kate, where as we're
on the road of life taking a long walk together,
(04:45):
you're going to be a couple of steps ahead of
me because you and your husband have gone through something
that my husband and I haven't yet, and so you
can be a friend to us. And then there are
times where I may be just a step ahead of
you because I just went through something with my son
and figured out that he had dyslexia, and now I can,
you know, be a friend to you as you're sorting
through an issue. And so, you know, I love of
(05:10):
saying it's your friend mail because that's what I believe,
and that's how I feel as I move through life,
whether I'm walking into a coffee shop, or through an airport,
or down a dirt road, or I'm stepping up to
a microphone.
Speaker 3 (05:22):
It's an interesting thing because your attitude to sharing your
knowledge comes from a place of great warmth and great vulnerability.
And the model that we have is that often when
people achieve a certain degree of success, they start to
put the walls up. They need to protect their privacy.
(05:43):
They won't talk about their personal life. They da, da da.
How do you maintain your openness to share your vulnerability
with basically the world.
Speaker 1 (05:57):
It's a great question, and I'll answer it a couple
of ways. Number One, I'm grateful that all of this
happens to lead in life. And you know, when you
go through an experience at the age of forty one,
you nearly lose everything that matters to you, your life, savings,
your marriage, your sanity, your family, your home. It's a
(06:19):
real wake up call, and it also sears into you
what you actually value. And I think too often it's
not until we lose something or almost lose something, that
we realize how much it meant to us. And so
to have that experience or my career at least the
one that everybody sees right now you know, I'm fifty
six now, that it started fifteen years ago at rock bottom,
(06:44):
where I was on the verge of losing everything that mattered.
And so when you have an experience where your kids
are standing next to you and you can't pay for
groceries at the grocery store, when you have experience where
your kids are in the car and you can't fill
the tank of gas that they're in, you don't lose that.
And I remember in moments of my life, whether it
(07:06):
was that moment or it was moments when I was
younger and I struggling with issues I didn't even understand.
I wasn't diagnosed until I was forty seven with ADHD,
but it impacted me my whole life that I didn't
know and I thought I was dealing with anxiety when
really I was dealing with undiagnosed ADHD. And the main
symptom that people women in particular feel when they don't
(07:29):
have a proper diagnosis of something focus related or you know,
I also have dyslexia, which I didn't know until I
was forty seven, that you develop anxiety because you're being
asked to do things that your brain functionally structurally isn't
able to do the way other people do. You start
to think that you're an idiot or there's something wrong
(07:49):
with you, and then all of that anxiety develops. And
so in these moments where I've really struggled, I just
thought I was the only one. I thought there was
something wrong with me. And looking back, I can see
that that loneliness and that sense of being closed off
in your own experience and then pretending on the surface
(08:10):
that something else was going on. It led to me
hurting other people. It led to me just spoiling really
important opportunities. It led to me acting in ways that
I really regret. It led to me hurting myself in
many many ways. And so I guess I'm so open
(08:30):
because number one, if anything, that I've learned the hard
way and help somebody else from suffering the way that
I did. My God, I will tell you everything. And
the other reason why I'm so open is I've spent
so long in my life pretending to be somebody I'm
not that I just think it's so much easier to
(08:52):
be who you are. You know, and everybody says it's vulnerable.
I actually don't think it's vulnerable at all. It is
the easiest thing in the world when you stop judging
your own experience.
Speaker 3 (09:04):
You know, when you say you spent so long pretending
to be someone that you that you wound your essential self.
It's interesting because you are so accomplished. And even when
you and your husband Chris hit the skids with the
business and you were eight hundred grand in debt and
(09:25):
that is dire, you were still a woman of great accomplishment.
You've got a couple of degrees. You're a lawyer, you
are hard hitting, you a clear thinking. Who were you
pretending to be?
Speaker 1 (09:38):
Hard hitting? Clear thinking? Got it all together? Accomplished? Hey,
degrees are something that's on a piece of paper. That
doesn't mean that you feel good about yourself. And you know,
I think for a long time I thought I had
to measure up to the Ivy League degree. I thought
I had to be something because of the lawyer thing.
(09:58):
And you know that every one of us has this
disconnect from who were presenting to the world versus the
experience that we're having in early and this deep sense
of am I enough? And for a long time the
answer was no, And there was never enough that I
could do. There was never enough that was going to
(10:21):
prove that I was okay. I was constantly seeking validation
outside of me, constantly seeking approval if a new purse,
could you know, make other people like me, if I
with the right friend group. I think we're all searching
for that level of acceptance. And it took me getting
into a very dire state where I had to rebuild
(10:42):
myself from the inside out, you know, when we were
that far in debt, and I got to a point
where it was just very difficult to get out of
bed and face the nightmare that my life had become.
Learning anew how to wake up and face the day
(11:04):
was a skill, like learning how to get out of bed,
when I didn't feel like it was a life skill,
like I had spent my life avoiding the things that
felt hard. Avoiding like academics came easy, Like I'm clearly
a very very intellectual and smart person, so hitting the
books and not having to talk to their human beings easy.
(11:24):
But really learning how to be okay with who I
am and who I'm not, learning, how to be okay
with what social group I'm in and what social group
I'm not, learning, how to be okay with what my
body is or It isn't how I measure up the
amount of money or no money. You know what's fascinating
(11:46):
is I think that in life most people know how
to have a bad attitude or be in a bad
mood for no reason, that for decades you can train
yourself to just look at the day ahead and see
nothing but reasons to be in a bad mood, reasons
(12:08):
to doubt yourself. What I think is a really important
skill in life is teaching yourself to have a good attitude,
to be in a positive mood for no reason, for
no reason, because learning how to wake up every day
and say, you know what, today is going to be
a great day, and it's not going to be great
(12:31):
the whole day, but I'm going to make it a
good day because there's something that I'm going to do
that's going to make me feel good. That's a way
to program yourself to have a good attitude. Learning how
to wake up and say, you know, I don't know
what's going to happen, but I know I'm capable of
figuring it out today. Doubling down on your ability.
Speaker 3 (12:50):
Well, I sometimes think this mood thing I find really interesting.
I did breakfast radio for twelve years, so my muscles
to wake up whistling are pretty good. You've got to
wake up happy. You got no, you've got no saying it.
And I've also got four children and they're all sort
of whired differently for mornings. Mornings in particular, I think
(13:12):
are so essential and I always say to the kids,
you may as well do it happily because it has
to be done regardless. But I think that sometimes people
use the mood that you're talking about to deflect. You
know how, no one will come near someone who's grumpy.
So when you're hiding the inner truth of yourself and
(13:36):
you project that anger or hostility or don't come near
me to the world, do you think that you were
protecting yourself from the truth of yourself at that time?
Speaker 1 (13:47):
I'm sure, because you know, like if you think about
anybody in your life who's miserable, yes, they're always in
a bad mood. They are always talking about the negative.
There's always some grape that is a human being that
is projecting an inner landscape that they have not dealt
(14:07):
with yet. There's a lot in a person like that.
There's typically a lot of sadness, there's a lot of
self criticism, there's a sense of isolation, there's a sense
that life isn't fair, and that's a very difficult thing
to sit with. I mean, there are those of us
(14:28):
that just marinate in that and make ourselves miserable, but
we don't project it to anybody else. But then there's
a lot of people that feel those exact same things
and they can't tolerate those feelings, so they barfit out
at everybody else. And so when I see somebody that's
like that, I just say, let them, let them be
in a terrible mood, let them be disappointed, let them
(14:49):
be angry at life. Because it's not my job to
save people or heal them, and I can't. But let
me not allow that negativity to impact me or to
become my job to manage, because I find that people
that are negative tend to get a lot of attention
for that negativity. They feel powerful because of that negativity,
(15:13):
and it's also a giant kind of shield to have
to do everything, you know, because you can there's always,
like this is the thing about life, there's always something
you can do to make things better. Even if you're
going through the worst thing in the world, there's always
something you can do with your attitude and with the
(15:34):
little things that you do that can make things slightly better.
I mean, this is the entire thesis of Victor Frankel's
seminal work Man search for meaning that in the middle
of the Holocaust and all these horrific things he cannot
control in the concentration camp, he recognizes that the only
thing in his control in this absolutely unspeakable situation is
(15:59):
what he's thinking about and his physical response to what's happening.
That through his thoughts and actions, he cannot only survive
this situation, but he can help himself through the situation.
And to me, when you start to understand that you
have so much more power than you realize, and that
(16:23):
no matter where you are right now, Kate, whether you're
like I am and you are just embarrassingly in debt,
or you are broken up with for the tenth time,
where you're horribly overweight, or you're like one of the
most beautiful things about the human design is that you're
designed to grow, You're designed to change. That your body
(16:44):
and your mind are waiting for you to program in
different thinking and waiting for you to wake up and
go how I'm doing life just doesn't feel good anymore,
and so I'm gonna change.
Speaker 3 (16:57):
It's interesting because we live in a time of great comfort.
Comfort's available to us pretty well with a conditioning or
with the running water that I should have had this ceremonial,
You know, very we become very resistant to discomfort because
we're so used to having air con or whatever, or
(17:18):
there's a grocery store full of abundance. How did you
face the ultimate discomfort, which I think comes from within
and you actually saying let them. The first step to
change in your life is taking responsibility for the fact
that your life isn't working. Now, That to me is
(17:38):
the most pain. That's searingly painful, that realization. We've all
had those in our life. When you had that moment,
how did you get into the depths of that? Was
it because you couldn't get out of bed?
Speaker 1 (17:56):
I want to really highlight this question. The first step
to changing is it admitting to yourself that the way
that you're living your life is no longer working. That
is all it takes to change. And it's pretty clear
when your life isn't working, or when aspects of your
(18:17):
life aren't working. I mean, you know at this point
in the story of my life. I was drinking myself
into the ground, blaming everything on my husband. I would
hit the snooze button six times in the morning and
wake up hungover to my two children who were school
age at the time, who had missed the bus. Like,
when your kids are waking you up after you've missed
(18:37):
the bus, you're basically failing at parenting in life. I mean,
let's be honest, you don't need a PhD to understand that.
That's a pretty clear indication that the way they're doing
life ain't working really well and you don't feel good
about yourself. And it doesn't take a rocket scientist or
an expert, because people know when they're not doing well.
Like I choose to believe Kate that we all want
(18:59):
to thrive. We want to do well at work, we
want to do well at school, we want to feel
connected in our relationships, we want to feel a sense
of control about where our life is going, to feel
proud of ourselves. So I choose to believe that that
is at the core who you are and what is
meant for you. And for just endless and endless reasons,
(19:19):
we get away from who we are and we get
off track, and the only thing that you need as
the first step to get back on track in your
life is to admit that how your life feels, or
how your marriage feels, or how your job feels no
longer works for you. And you don't even have to
have a reason, just saying it, I just doesn't feel
how I want it to feel. And this is the piece,
(19:41):
this second step, that I think most people miss. And
I've come to believe doing the work that I've done
now for fifteen years on myself, sharing all the things
that I share, doing all the research that I do,
I have come to believe that the single biggest obstacle
in every person's way, So the person watching or listening
(20:02):
right now, the single biggest obstacle in your way right
now is not ability. No way, your friend Mel Robbins
will tell you are fucking capable of doing what you
need to do, Like, stop with this bullshit and get
to work, like I'm gonna I'll clack, like I'm not
going to hear it. I'm not going to hear it
from you, because I choose to believe that through your
(20:24):
attitude and through your actions, you can move the needle
over time, not overnight over time. But here's the obstacle.
It is a lack of hope, discouragement, the belief that
it's not going to work for you is the reason
(20:45):
why most people stay where they are. We live in
a moment in time where you have more information than
you could possibly need. If you do not know how
to change your life, or make a million dollars, or
connect with your kids who won't talk to you, just
go to chat GGP, type in the thing you want
to change. It will spit out a thirty day, day
(21:05):
by day thing to do, and most of it will
probably be accurate. Some of it won't. But if you
follow the step by step protocol that it fits out,
I guarantee you it would work. But you're going to
look at that listener and no, that's not going to
work for me. My problems are too, and then you
start talking yourself out of it. So I really believe
(21:26):
that it is this sense of discouragement that Kate can
change your life but I can't. Kate can connect with
her kids, but I can't. Kate can wake up at
four point thirty in the morning and have a hair
mask in her hair and no water, and she'll figure
it out, but I can't because Kate has a husband
and I don't have a husband, and I can. And
so do you see how this sense that it's not
(21:47):
going to work for me, this lack of hope, actually
stops you from doing what you're capable of doing. And
so for me, that that admission to yourself that your
life is not how you want it to feel, or
your relationship is, or your body is. That's step one.
Step two is actually saying and if I don't think
(22:10):
it's going to work, by God, I am going to
act as if I am that person, and I'm going
to do it before I feel like doing that. That
is the secret, like not waiting for someone else to
do it, not waiting for the motivation to come, because
motivation is garbage is not coming. That's not how your
body works. And this was a huge wake up call
(22:31):
for me. Like I wish I had known this when
I was a kid. I didn't know that our minds
are wired against change. They can change, they love to change,
but you're not going to feel ready to change your
mind's default toward what feels easy. That's why we sit
on the couch instead of going to the gym. That's
why we watch TV instead of working on our resume,
because our minds are wired to do what feels easy
(22:51):
right now. In order to change, a human being has
to do something that is difficult. You know, if change
were easy, we'd all have a million dollars, we'd all
have six back abs, we'd all like have everything we've
ever wanted. Change happens when you were ready to do
the thing you don't feel like doing. And that's the formula.
(23:13):
If you just did the shit you didn't feel like doing,
you'd have everything you've ever wanted. And so one of
the huge wake up calls for me, Kate, is realizing
nobody's coming, Nobody's going to do this for me. I
can either circle the drain and go down it bitching
about my husband and being right that he's the loser
that did this to us. Or I can wake up
and say the way that life is going doesn't work.
(23:33):
If I want to save this house, I got to
do something about it. If I want to stop feeling bad,
I got to do something about it.
Speaker 3 (23:41):
What was Can you remember the first thing that you
did that was difficult?
Speaker 1 (23:47):
Yes, yes I can. It was a Tuesday morning in
February two thousand and eight. I know the exact morning
I had For six months, the alarm would ring and
I would lay in bed because we had so many
problems my gut. Your mind will look for whatever you
tell it to. If you put garbage in it, your
mind will have garbage out. Just look for what's wrong.
(24:10):
I would wake up every day and let me be clear,
there was a lot wrong about my life. I was
very correct in seeing a lot of negative things. Because
there were a lot of negative things. I was drinking
myself into the ground. We had eight hundred thousand dollars
in debt. There were six months of bills piled up
on that countertop. There were leans that had hit that house.
Friends and family had invested in my husband's restaurant business.
(24:32):
I had lost my job. Like, there was a lot
of reasons to feel sorry for myself, and boy, oh
boyd did I There was a lot of reasons we
pissed off at my husband, and let me tell you,
I was. But the question is, are those reasons and
that anger actually helping you? Are they helping you? Like,
(24:54):
there's a point in time where you're going to get
so sick of your own bullshit that you finally do
something different. And for me, it was a Tuesday morning
in February twenty two, thousand and eight, and the night
before I had i'd seen this rocket launch across the
television screen and it gave me this like crazy idea
(25:15):
to try to launch myself out of bed. Now, I
had had a lot of bourbon that night, and so
that's probably why I had that dumb idea. But for
whatever reason, the next morning, the alarm rings and I
remember that dumb idea of launching myself like Nasada's five
four three two one, like literally count back and launch yourself.
And I started to think about how I felt about
(25:37):
doing it. This is the mistake. You stop and think
about how you feel, and immediately I saw all the negative.
I don't feel like getting out of bed. It's cold,
it's dark, it's February, which is winter in Boston, Massachusetts.
How the hell is getting out of bed going to
pay my bills? I'm pissed off at Chris, like what
the And I started reaching for the snooze button, which
(25:58):
is a massive form of avoidance. Great way to start
the day, let's just procrastinate by getting out getting out
of bed. But for whatever reason. That morning, February two
thousand and eight, I made one decision that changed my life.
I just started counting backwards five four, three, two one,
and then I rolled out of bed. And it was
this weird moment, first time I had gotten out of
(26:21):
bed when the alarm ranged in six months, and it
felt like a small victory. And it was because it
was the first time that the negativity and the bad
mood and the anger and the depression and all of
the problems.
Speaker 3 (26:36):
It was the first time they didn't win because you deserted.
Speaker 2 (26:38):
You won.
Speaker 3 (26:39):
You deserted yourself.
Speaker 1 (26:41):
Oh I took action, Yes, yes, I took the action
despite the feelings. And you know, for you listening or
watching right now, I'm going to tell you something. There
are things that you know you need to do and
you've been waiting around to feel better. Do not do that.
You're not going to feel better until you take the
action first. Because what happens is, and this is sort
(27:01):
of how to break down what's actually happening, is your
mind is watching and every morning that you hit the
snooze button six times, it becomes your ident and your
brain's like, oh, I'm the kind of person that just
avoids doing the hard things, and then you avoid doing
more hard things. This is why you should never allow
your children's anxiety to have them opt out of something,
(27:22):
because when you allow your children's anxiety to let them
avoid doing something that scares them, you allowing them to
op out communicates to them in their brain that they're
not capable of doing hard things, and so you make
the anxiety worse. How do I know that because I
did this with my children, I made their anxiety worse
because I didn't know. Now I know, and so I
(27:44):
learned through that experience that doing something that you don't
feel like doing is a skill learning how to do
things just because you know they need to get done,
which you can do in lots of areas your life. Look,
I don't like unloading the dishwasher, I still do it.
(28:04):
I never feel like folding laundry, I still do it.
I don't feel like picking up the dog poo in
the yard before we mow it, I still do it.
There are areas of your life where you do this,
but when it comes to the most important things, you're
waiting for the feelings to align with the action, and
it is the opposite. Act first and then how you
feel changes. And here's what also happens. You start to
(28:28):
see yourself differently. Seeing myself get out of bed when
the alarm rang starts to become if you start to
do it most mornings, you start to see yourself as
the kind of person who gets out of bed when
the alarm rings, versus the kind of person who lays
there and stares at the ceiling like a human pot roast,
(28:50):
marinating in fear and all your problems and how that
and it was the action, not the thinking, that changed
the way you see yourself. And so Kate, a lot
of people will ask me, now, how the hell did
you build this insane business that you have and this
podcast and these books, and how do you have thirty
(29:13):
five people working for you in studios in Boston and
you're fifty six?
Speaker 4 (29:17):
How?
Speaker 1 (29:17):
I literally say, by learning how to get out of
bed on the mornings I don't feel like it. Because
if you can learn how to get out of bed
when you don't feel like it, if you can learn
how to have non alcoholic drink instead of an alcoholic
drink when you don't feel when you can learn how
to go for a walk when you don't feel like
it when you can learn how to start a conversation
that's hard when you don't feel like it, you can
do anything. That's the secret. And so that period of
(29:40):
my life taught me that action and acting consistently with
the things that I want gives you what you want
in life.
Speaker 3 (29:53):
Up next, Mel Robbins dives into how hitting rock bottom
saved her marriage and her life. Don't go anywhere? How
did that extrapolate to your husband and your children at
that time? So they've been living with someone who, like
(30:14):
you said, is mariniting lakabutists, as I guess Chris was
at the time as well.
Speaker 1 (30:21):
Now Chris was running for me because I was a
complete bitch to be around. Like he's a very smart man.
He was drinking himself into the ground. Yeah, how it
translated is my mood shifted. Problems started getting solved. I
got myself a job, I started asking for help. I
started being honest about what was going on. I started
(30:42):
five four three two one. Instead of screaming at Chris,
I would settle myself. So one decision, one action at
a time. I started to take different actions, and those
changed the course of everything. And it all starts with
you like we're all sitting around waiting to be rescued
or waiting for somebody else to do it. You have
(31:04):
so much more power, Like think about yourself and the
power that you have. Like there, you can be sunny
and that changes everybody around you. That's the power that
you have. Or you can be a storm, and we
all know people who walk in a room and they
are a storm and their energy affects everybody. You get
(31:25):
to choose being in a positive and action oriented mindset
for no reason, because right now you're in a very
negative or self doubting one for no particular reason other
than the fact that you're used to it.
Speaker 3 (31:46):
So Chris rose to meet you, the new you, when
you could show yourself again to be not really okay,
not really? How is that?
Speaker 1 (31:55):
Because you can't make other people change, you can't. Like
Chris started using five four three two one and went
back into his restaurant business and renegotiated leases and laid
off a bunch of people and went to the investors.
And it was like a slog for years and years
and years turning it around. But you know, when he
left the restaurant business in twenty fourteen, he was a
(32:16):
shell of himself. So six years later, he's doing the stuff,
but he hadn't addressed his drinking. He hadn't addressed the
shame that he felt about the fact that, you know,
as a man, and this is speaking and very heterosexual norms,
he felt he had failed because he didn't provide for
his family and his business was in a success and
(32:36):
he lost people's money, and he went into a dark depression.
And every want I just yeah, an angry, resentful wife
who was now out there like having to make the
money and you know, working three jobs and making the
ends meet, while he's barely able to hold it together.
(32:56):
And this is the thing about life. You cannot heal
another person. You cannot do the work for another person.
The way that you actually do the work for other
people is you do the work to make you proud
of yourself. You do the work to align your actions
every day in a way that makes you proud of yourself.
(33:17):
And if you are proud of yourself, because you get
out of bed and you make your bed and you
have a morning routine that makes you feel like you
and then you go to work and you're a good
person and you're kind to people, and you do the
best that you can, and you try hard to stay
in control of your emotions. You're not an asshole to people.
And you end the day and put your head on
(33:38):
your pillow and say, you know what, I did the
best I could today. I'm proud of myself. You're winning.
Speaker 3 (33:44):
Yeah, you're winning. And then people are attracted to the
qualities that you are demonstrating. They're like mail, how do
you know the secret of you always seem like you're
in a good mood or think great things are happening
for you.
Speaker 1 (34:00):
Taught myself how to be cape and here's why. Let's
just take what happened to you this morning with the
hair mask and the water being turned off and all
of this stuff. In a situation like that, and I'm
a very pragmatic person, if you allow the things in
life that you can't control. You can't control the fact
(34:22):
that you didn't get the text because you didn't get
the text. You can't control that the water was getting
turned off because you can't control the fact that the
hairs that the hair masks are because it's already in
your hair, so let them, let them, let them. And
if you then go into a really negative attitude and
you let yourself get all worried and stressed out or worse,
(34:44):
you start going, why am I a stupid idiot who
always does these kinds of things? And now I'm going
to go to this interview and it's going to be
terrible because of this happen And you do that to yourself,
which we do to ourselves in these moments. What happens
is you trigger your own brain to go from present
(35:06):
and fully capable of handling this situation to a stress response,
and you're a migdala in the back of your brain
turns on. You go into fight or flight and stress
out mode. And the research is very clear when you're
a migdala is turned on because you're now negative and
(35:27):
criticizing yourself and doomsday and all that stuff that you've
done your whole life to yourself, you actually can't think
clearly because the prefrontal cortex isn't working at its full capacity.
Speaker 3 (35:41):
So your.
Speaker 1 (35:44):
Habit of just going into a bad mood and a
bad attitude, which then makes you stressed out, actually makes
everything worse because you can't bring your thinking and your
problem solving online to help you. That's what happens. And
(36:06):
when I started to realize, wait a minute, I have
forever defaulted to doubting myself. I have forever defaulted to
worrying or second guesting, or questioning or like wondering, you know,
if other people are going to approve. I've forever trained
myself to do this. Why not train yourself to do
the opposite. Why not train yourself to be in a
(36:30):
good mood just because you know that it's going to
help you in those situations when life goes sideways and
there's plenty of things to be in a bad mood about.
But does the bad mood help you? That's the question.
Speaker 3 (36:41):
You know, you tell an interesting story and let them
And the power of that book and that theory is
so great that even when I was doing a really
deep dive on you and the book in preparation for
our interview, it helped me. I wasn't looking for it,
(37:03):
wasn't looking for help, just that there were I realized
that there were instances in my life work related things
where you know, sometimes you feel excluded from things and
their friends and they're working with other people or whatever,
and I went, oh, my goodness, let them right. This
(37:23):
is how powerful. It is very powerful when I was
reading about you with the greater purpose, not being myself.
I still reap the benefit from it. Extraordinary. But you
tell a story in the book and when you go
to your friend's place and she's got this renovated house.
(37:47):
Yeah yeah, and you feel jealous, yeah, jealous.
Speaker 1 (37:54):
Oh my god, I literally, like, I literally wanted to die. Like,
have you ever had a friend who all of a
sudden they moved to like the fancy of your town,
or they moved from renting an apartment to this like
brownstone that they buy, And then they invite you over
for dinner, and as you're driving up the long driveway,
(38:15):
you're thinking, how the hell do they have this much money?
And then they open up the door, and you're happy
for your friend because your friend works hard and your
friend deserves to be happy, But you're just not happy
for yourself because as you're gripping the wine glass and
you're grinning your teeth trying to smile that like freak smile,
and every single corner of their house looks like a
(38:38):
display on Pinterest. And then you turn the corner and
there is your dream kitchen, and she's got the white
can that's and the marble countertops, and you're like, you bitch,
I shouldn't have shown you my Pinterest boards.
Speaker 3 (38:54):
You stole my kitchens, right and then you and you.
Speaker 1 (38:57):
Literally, you know, if you're anything like me at the time,
because this happened to me, this particular story, when we're
still really struggling financially, you hold it together. And then
when you get in the car and you go to
drive away, you turn to your poor partner and you're like,
why couldn't you have been in finance?
Speaker 3 (39:20):
Why did you have to be a nice person? Why
couldn't you be honey.
Speaker 1 (39:25):
Like you just like aim it at them? Oh my god,
it was so bad.
Speaker 3 (39:29):
You know.
Speaker 1 (39:30):
I believed that success and happiness and friendship and kitchens
with white countertops were in limited supply. I believed and
went through life that if Kate has a podcast, I
can't have one. That if you go on a vacation
to them all these I can't that if you wear
(39:53):
embroidered like that, somehow your success or your happiness is
robbing me of mine that there was And it's such bullshit.
These things are in limitless supply. If you're willing to
wake up every day and do the boring annoying ruling
(40:15):
work that it takes to create these things in your life,
and it doesn't happen overnight, Like you're not going to
get the kitchen in the next five years, but you
might get it in the next fifteen. But here's the
mistake I was making. I actually thought I was competing
against other people. Nobody is like against you. I really
(40:36):
mean this, I really want. I want you to just
understand something that other people don't block your way. Other
people lead the way. They show you what's possible. And
when you get that jealous I didn't understand jealousy. Jealousy
is so interesting to unpack because you only get jealous
(41:01):
of things you authentically want. It is impossible to be
jealous of something you don't want. I'm not jealous of
any anybody who drives a yellow Lamborghini. I don't want one.
But I might be jealous of a friend who has
all of their kids, who you know, my kids are
now adults who live near them, because I want that.
(41:24):
Jealousy comes from a very deep and authentic place, because
it is a desire of yours that is somehow blocked.
And it's either blocked because you've told yourself you can't
have that, or it's never going to happen, or you've
told yourself I can't do that, or things like that
(41:48):
don't happen to people like me, and jealousy rises up
because you actually aren't doing anything to walk toward it.
Speaker 3 (42:00):
But now you realize that you must have friends who
are jealous of you.
Speaker 1 (42:07):
Sure let them. I'm not stopping them from doing anything.
And now what I realize is how sad that I
went through my life for the first fifty four years
jealous of people that actually could have, for those fifty
four years been a source of inspiration, a source of information,
(42:27):
a source of support, like no, my friend was never
against me. I could have leaned in and been like,
oh my gosh, how do I go from where I
am to where you are?
Speaker 4 (42:40):
Like?
Speaker 1 (42:40):
What if I just painted my cabinets white? Now it's
not going to be my dream kitchen, but I'm now
signaling to my own brain that it's something that I
want that I don't have to wait for sure. It
kind of sucks that I can't afford to hire somebody,
but I can make it a date night and paint
the cabs as myself with my husband, Like why do
I have to let somebody else's wins be my loss.
(43:02):
You need to see these things as signals of what
your own heart is calling you toward. And it's like
a wake up call. Get to fucking work, Like, stop
telling yourself you can't have this stuff. Stop coming up
with excuses, because there are a million ways to figure out.
Speaker 3 (43:20):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (43:20):
You know, if you have a friend that's in fantastic
shape because she's got serious about her hormones and she's
been lifting weight and now you know sheoks better than
she did in her forties. If you're jealous of it, okay, great,
get going. Ask her what she did, Ask her what
supplements she takes, Ask her what her exercise routine. Let
(43:41):
her lead the way instead of telling yourself a lie
that somehow, okay, well she's done it. No, I can't
do it because it'll be copying her. No, that's ridiculous.
Speaker 3 (43:53):
After the break, Mel Robbins explains how to Let Them
theory became a global movement and later makes a huge
announcement that you are not going to want to miss.
When your daughter Kendall gave you the let them basically
(44:17):
the mantra. The night that you were trying to control things.
A story that you've told about your your son Oakley's
prom night when you were trying to control and she
just kept saying, let them, let them, let them go
to the taco stand, let them go in the rain,
let them just do what they want. What was the
moment when you realized, oh, my goodness, this is something
(44:41):
to live by.
Speaker 1 (44:42):
It did not like that night was when my shoulders dropped,
and I'm like, why do I care so much? Like
I was being your typical controlling mom and let me
be honest about something, Keith, I've been trying to be
more stoic my entire life. I'm married to a Buddhist.
It's super annoying when you're like crazy controlling and you
grip the wheel of wave and Chris is just like.
Speaker 3 (44:59):
Let them, please, let them. Buddhists say let them.
Speaker 1 (45:02):
Well, that's why this theory has exploded. It's not a
new idea. It is a modern version. I created the theory,
I made the case for it. But the reason why
it's exploded is I'm reminding you of what you've known
to be true since the beginning of time. Now let
them theory is how you bestowing they Let them theory
(45:22):
is how you apply the serenity prayer when life is
pissing you off. The let them theory is radical acceptance
because when you say let them, you're not allowing anybody
to do anything. You're recognizing who they are and what
they're doing. When you say let them, you're practicing CBT
therapy and detachment therapy. See, it's a tool that allows
(45:44):
you to access these deep, deep, deep things. The second
part of the theory let me hell. My mother has
a version of this. She is a needle pointed pillow
that says, pull up your big girl panties and deal
with it. That's let me. That's what that is. And
so people read this book and they're nodding along because
we all have a sense that we've always known that
(46:06):
this is true. We just never knew how to take
these in intellectual and therapeutic concepts and apply them in
a moment where you're hurt, or you're stressed, or you're scared,
or you're upset about something. And so you know, for me,
I have been posting about these topics for years. But
the truth is, when life would get overwhelming, I would
(46:29):
be just like everybody else, I'd be completely like freaked
out and unable to access stoicism, and so I'd just
like spiral. But as she said that, it stopped me
for my spiral. And then I just started to anytime
I was stressed out or annoyed or bothered, I would
literally just say, let them, whether I was standing in
(46:50):
a long line or somebody's walking slow in front of me.
And here's what I noticed. People are fucking annoying, and
they stress you out, and they hurt your feelings, and
most of the things that make you stressed have to
do with other people. And I started to recognize there's
a totally different way for me to live my life.
Why am I giving some time and energy to other people?
(47:11):
Why am I giving time and energy to things I
can't control? Why am I trying to change everybody? Why
is it my job to make everybody happy? Let them
be miserable, let them try to make me feel guilty,
let them. And here's the thing, though, I want to
tell you, Kate, is that it was just to let them. Theory,
it was just let them, let them, let them, let them,
let them, let them. For the first six months, it
(47:31):
was let them, let them, let them. And I started
writing this book, and I finished the first draft and
I'm like, something's wrong because the book was let them,
let them, let them, let them, let them, let them,
let the them, let them, let them. And my daughter
came home and from a big solo backpacking trip. She
was actually in Australia, New Zealand and all over Asia,
(47:53):
and she needed money because she was broke. And I
was like, you are a walking human Excel spreadsheet. So
I'm going to give you a research assignment. I've just
finished this draft of this book. Something's missing. I want
you to go back into all the in and look
at the comments on the podcast episode I did about this,
and look at the comments on the YouTube episode I've
(48:16):
done about this. Nobody knew I was writing a book
yet I had just done the podcast episode, and I'm like,
I want you to look for what's not working. I
want you to look for how are people using it?
What are they saying about it? What are they saying
in terms of I started using it, but now it's
not working, and come back to me. I thought it
would take her four weeks. She came back within thirty
(48:36):
six hours. She had a twenty seven page Excel spreadsheet
columned tabbed source links and she had this synopsis at
the top, and she's like, can't write the book. Like,
what do you mean you can't write the book. I'm
writing the book. She's like, Mom, you can't write the book.
I said, why can't I write the book? She said,
people are using let them and they're lonely because when
you say let them, you realize, wait a minute, I'm
(48:58):
the only sibling in my family that reaches out, and
when I stop reaching out, nobody does. And wait a minute,
my friends are jerks because I invite them everywhere, but
they often make plans without me. I'm supposed to just
let them. Wait a minute. This person that I've been
dating for a year actually treats me like crap. Like
(49:19):
I'm basically thinking I'm going to marry somebody who won't
put a label on this relationship. I'm supposed to just
let them. And she said there has to be a
second part, mom, because once you recognize the truth in
your relationships and the truth that your boss doesn't recognize
your contributions, you don't want to sit in feeling disempowered
(49:44):
and lonely. There has to be a second part. And
I was like, what's the second part, She's like, let me.
And so the second part of the theory, which is
how you take your power back and you recognize it.
In life, there's only three things you control, what you think,
what you do or don't do, and how you process
the very real emotions.
Speaker 3 (50:01):
That rise and fall every day.
Speaker 1 (50:03):
And it was because of her and her research that
the theory became developed, and then we spent the next
nine months writing the book.
Speaker 3 (50:14):
Mel Robbins, thank you for you, Thank you for being
a friend to so many, Thank you for changing lives.
As a final glimpse into you, what would you like
to change in yourself? Oh?
Speaker 1 (50:35):
What would I like to change in myself? I think
in a moment like this, where you have this enormous
thing happening, it's very very easy to want to do more.
And because I nearly lost everything that mattered to me,
(50:58):
my family, my home, my sanity, my marriage, I don't
want to get so busy that I lose sight of
the things that are important. And so it's not that I,
you know, I'm trying to change anything. I want to
make sure that I don't change that. I stay laser
(51:22):
focused on showing up in a way that makes me
very proud that I really protect my time and energy
so that I can continue to spend a lot of
it with my family and with my friends, that I
don't ever forget who I am at my core and
get all caught up in the bigness of this or
(51:45):
anything else huge that I lose sight of who I am. Yeah, Like,
that's why I like this is being proud of yourself
because of how you live your life is the winning formula.
And you have full control over training your mind to
(52:08):
think differently. You have full control over how you wake
up in the morning, the series of actions that you
take once you do. And I really hope that you
will take the truth of what I'm sharing with you
in these simple tools, whether it's five four three two
(52:30):
one or it is let them and let me and
you try them, Like you don't have to buy the book,
try the theory. It's so simple, and see if you
feel better, See if you're less stressed. See if learning
how to accept the challenging people in your life for
who they are and who they're not. See if learning
(52:53):
how to do that actually brings you closer to them.
Because I'm telling you, if you really embrace this and
you try this in your life, you will recognize that
you've had You've got the tools, and you have all
this power. And when you stop giving it away and
you reclaim it and you push yourself to live your
(53:13):
way in a life that makes you proud, you will
be proud of yourself. No matter what people say about you.
Speaker 3 (53:19):
Mel Robins, you deserve to be proud of yourself.
Speaker 1 (53:23):
Well, one thing I want to tell you is that
twenty twenty six, I'm coming to Australia, New Zealand. Oh
and the only way that you're gonna and I have
not told anybody, We have not announced it yet, but
for your audience. Yeah, if you're not on my newsletter
list at Melrobins dot com, you better get on it
because that's who's going to hear about this first. And
(53:43):
I cannot wait to be in person.
Speaker 3 (53:46):
Okay, the Mama Maya audience will love this. Will you
bring the family?
Speaker 1 (53:52):
Yes, I am honored to be able to share that
with you for the first time.
Speaker 3 (54:00):
Bring them all, Bring all the Robinses. We want all
of you. Wow, that's quite an announcement. Eil Robbins is
heading our way in twenty twenty six, and we got
the exclusive here on No Filter. What really stands out
for me is how mel has turned her personal journey
(54:24):
and to let them theory into not just a movement,
but a global empire. It's pretty mind blowing to see
how she's taken her message and made it into a
business that has touched millions, myself included. The executive producer
of No Filter is Naima Brown. Senior producer is Bree Player,
(54:46):
with audio production by Jacob Brown and video production by
Josh Green. And I am your host, Kate lane Brook.
I will see you next week.
Speaker 5 (54:58):
Hello, this is Naima Brown, the executive producer of No Filter,
and today we're bringing you a taste of a new
podcast we've just released, Cold I Never told you this.
It's about connection, about brave conversations and how to have
more honest relationships. If you want to continue to listen
to this series, it will be dropping over in our
(55:19):
But Are You Happy? Podcast will pop links to but
Are You Happy in the show notes Happy Listening.
Speaker 2 (55:26):
I'm a Shani Dante, host of But Are You Happy?
Speaker 3 (55:29):
Did you know that.
Speaker 2 (55:30):
One in five Australians experience and mental health condition each year?
Yet too many suffer in silence talking about our feelings
and experiences is one of the most powerful steps towards
healing and knowing we're not alone. That's why we're introducing
I Never told you This, a series created to spark honest,
meaningful conversations that support better mental well being, brought to
(55:52):
you by Medibank.
Speaker 4 (55:55):
I'm just actually feeling really freaking angry right now. What
a wasted emotion.
Speaker 6 (55:59):
Pride is two people, one big reveal. I never told
you this. A simple card game where one question could
change everything. It starts live what's more thing brings you joy?
Speaker 3 (56:10):
I'm not going to answer that.
Speaker 6 (56:12):
Then comes the moment that could shift a relationship forever.
As they finished this sentence, I never told you this.
Speaker 3 (56:18):
I've never told you.
Speaker 1 (56:19):
They never told you this.
Speaker 6 (56:24):
Today, cousins Tina and Dula will be sitting down together.
Speaker 7 (56:28):
I don't know how she's going to take what I'll
be sharing with her.
Speaker 6 (56:32):
Yula has something big to reveal to her cousin Tina.
Speaker 7 (56:36):
Hi, Well, I've got this fun game called the Mediebank
Family Roast card Game.
Speaker 1 (56:43):
Why not come up for anything.
Speaker 7 (56:46):
I'm going to pick up a card. Now, in what
way do you think we're similar?
Speaker 1 (56:52):
Both can talk underwater.
Speaker 4 (56:53):
Both got a very quirky outlook on life, willing to
train anything once.
Speaker 1 (56:58):
How long will we got.
Speaker 3 (57:00):
My journ?
Speaker 4 (57:01):
Let's go tell us about an embarrassing childhood memory.
Speaker 7 (57:05):
At your house in the country, when I decided to
lock my st in the out what are they called
the toilet outhouse and didn't tell anyone came inside the
house or playing or playing and dancing to music. I
got into so much trouble. It was a very bad
thing to do, and I'm very you regret it.
Speaker 3 (57:28):
I'm not going to answer that.
Speaker 4 (57:30):
Is there a family tradition you hope continues for generations.
Speaker 7 (57:34):
In our culture? Great Easter is one of the biggest nights.
It's quite spectacular and.
Speaker 1 (57:41):
In the middle of the night, that's something different.
Speaker 7 (57:43):
Is my turn to pick up a card? I never
told you this, okay? You know how whenever I see you,
you are constantly asking me why I'm giving you things,
(58:05):
whether it's food, useless objects, nice things. And we've tried,
you've tried to diagnose it of some sort correct, correct,
And I do know why I do it, and it's
because the big one when I was about between the
(58:30):
ages of eight and twelve, whenever you close the takeaway
shop that you owned in the country eight hours six
eight hours away. It was you'd come down for public holidays.
You'd call us when you're on your way, and then
we'd just been camped outside waiting and counting the cars
for the whole hours, and then when you'd finally get there,
(58:50):
you'd say, oh, you know, you're so excited to see me,
which I genuinely was. But part of the reason I
was excited was that I knew your family would be
bringing all the food from the shop. I don't know
whether you knew. My mom never wanted me to tell you.
(59:13):
She didn't want any of you to know that we
didn't have money for food.
Speaker 2 (59:20):
The rest of this episode of I never told you this.
Right after the break, what's something you wish you knew
about your family? Get together and play the Medibank Family
Roast to find out. It's the card game design to
get families connecting and talking, because when the bonds of
family are stronger, Australia is stronger. So get around the
(59:41):
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Speaker 7 (59:54):
I remember some weeks we would eat nothing but boiled potatoes.
We would often go days without any food. We were
literally starving, and just seeing that car and all the
food and things that I would never be able to
afford to buy, like chicks and chocolates, was just like
(01:00:15):
our lifeline.
Speaker 1 (01:00:19):
Wow.
Speaker 4 (01:00:20):
I'm sorry, that's huge. I had no idea. I'm just
actually feeling really freaking angry right now because it just
goes to show what a wasted emotion pride is. You know,
you're cousins. We never wanted for anything. We didn't have
lots of everything. We had enough, and to think that
(01:00:41):
you guys didn't have enough breaks my heart.
Speaker 7 (01:00:45):
And I'm sure if my family, my parents reached out,
your parents would have absolutely helped us.
Speaker 1 (01:00:52):
You always look after the children.
Speaker 4 (01:00:54):
It's not anything to put an extra plate out, do
you know what I mean? I know things were hard,
like you know, especially for immigrant families, you know, with
parents learning English as a second language, things were quited up.
I remember my dad telling me, you know that he'd
often work three or four jobs at a time and
makings meat. But I just assumed that you guys were
always okay.
Speaker 7 (01:01:12):
You know, my dad had his own issues and couldn't
keep a job down. My mum had mental health issues.
Both our families migrated. Your parents opened up a shop
and were doing well. Mine was struggling to make ends
meet or hold down any regular work. Your parents were
successful and they were failures.
Speaker 4 (01:01:31):
Well, I think that's something that it's just endemic and bunks,
not just Greeks, but lots of cultures. They waste their
time worrying about what are the people going to think,
when actually no one's thinking about them at all. If
my dad had known that things were that difficult for you,
he would have employed your parents. You know, we could
have all lived together and worked together because God knows
we needed works. You know something it didn't have to happen.
Speaker 7 (01:01:55):
Moving forward, it's how do we make it better for
us and our children and how important it is to
ask for help. It might be the norm to suffer
in silence, so we know in our culture's pride thing,
but we need to change that, and we change that
by coming out setting an example.
Speaker 4 (01:02:15):
Well, I mean, remember when we were kids. You couldn't
find any you couldn't find a translator. How many times
did you get dragged to an office with you Mum
and dad I want to explain something, you know, so
I think definitely is a social thing. We are progressing
as a society, but as you said, it is very
important that newcomers understand. Everybody needs to understand it's okay.
You know, there's nothing wrong with asking for help, and
(01:02:37):
all you're doing by hanging on to some ridiculous pride
is just injuring yourself.
Speaker 7 (01:02:45):
I feel like this whole weight has come off and
that I can sleep well tonight, you know, decades later.
As soon as I see your car pulling up, it
just takes me back to that childhood, and the instinct
is the happiness, the happiness, the food, and I just
feel eternally obligated to give something back, which is why
I will not let you leave my house without things,
(01:03:09):
whether it's olives or sweets.
Speaker 4 (01:03:11):
Let's just you've held onto this for so many years,
and how many els have we wasted? Try to diagnose
what kind of disorder you have?
Speaker 7 (01:03:18):
We called a reverse hoardingdi Thank you. I really appreciate
you coming on board today. I know it's been suspenseful,
and I hope you are able to accept what happened
and not take any responsibility for it and just appreciate
(01:03:39):
what you did and what a big impact you had
in my life, because that's what I want this to
be about.
Speaker 4 (01:03:45):
I don't think there's anything I couldn't ask you for,
and I hope that you feel the same. Genuine to
Speaker 2 (01:03:59):
The presenting partner of this episode of I Never Told
You This was Medibank Live bet Up with Medibank
You're listening to a MoMA Mia podcast.
Speaker 2 (00:13):
Mama Mea acknowledges the traditional owners of land and waters
that this podcast is recorded on Keith.
Speaker 1 (00:18):
A lot of people will ask we Mel, how the
hell did you build this insane business that you have
and this podcast and these books? And how do you
have thirty five people working for you in studios in
Boston you're fifty six? How do you, I literally say,
by learning how to get out about on the mornings
I don't feel like it.
Speaker 3 (00:43):
Hello, and welcome to No Filter. I'm Kate lane Brook,
and today we're diving into the world of the one
and only Mel Robins, someone who's built a global empire
not just on advice, but on real, raw, transformative change.
(01:03):
Mel's journey from nearly losing everything to becoming one of
the most influential voices in self help is nothing short
of extraordinary. But what really sets her apart is how
she's turned that message into a business, a brand, and
a worldwide movement, so much so that she's now one
(01:24):
of the most in demand speakers on the planet. Getting
Mel on the podcast wasn't easy. She's got one of
the busiest calendars of any guests that we've booked, but
here we are and it's absolutely worth the wait. In
this episode, we'll explore how Mel's let Them theory has
changed the way millions approach their lives, and exclusively here
(01:49):
on No Filter, Mel shares huge news for her Australian
and New Zealand fans. This is the global phenomenon that
is Mel Robin's.
Speaker 1 (02:02):
Hella hell a lovely one. How are you?
Speaker 3 (02:08):
I'm well? I had a I had. I had to
let them almost disaster this morning when I got up,
because it's early happened. Well, it's I got up at
four am for you, because at six am my guard
and I went to have a thank you for doing that. Well,
you're worth it, I believe. Sorry. I went to have
(02:30):
a shower and there was no water, no water really,
and i'd put a hair treatment in last night I
happened the council doing something fixing. Then I had to
wake up my husband. You know that thing? Will I
wake him up? Will I have to? I woke him up.
He goes downstairs in his undies. Outside he's fiddling with
(02:51):
the water met the dog's behind him. It's like last night.
I love this man. And then he says to me.
I got a message on my phone that you should
also have, which I don't have, from the council saying
the Sint Kilda Water which is where we live, is
off until six a m. Well six a m is.
Speaker 1 (03:12):
Now when I'm yeah, you're kidding, So you just still
have your treatment here.
Speaker 3 (03:16):
Well you know what I did? I wash.
Speaker 1 (03:19):
I would have just let it in and made it
a high bond.
Speaker 3 (03:21):
Well I couldn't because it was so greasy. I wanted
to have a nice a for mel Robbins. You've always
got nice hair.
Speaker 1 (03:27):
Oh are you kidding me? Do you know the worse
I look, the better our content.
Speaker 3 (03:31):
Do you think?
Speaker 4 (03:33):
No?
Speaker 1 (03:33):
I I know, of course yes, Like no, my kids
will always go like, God, why did you put that
video up? You look terrible. I'm like I went to
the grocery store looking like this, like what what's the problem. No,
you know what it is. It's because our brand is
really friend and the more dulled up I am, the
(03:56):
less it's us. And so you know, we just kind
of roll up to the camera and if hair is
a disaster or you know, it just is what it is.
Speaker 2 (04:08):
Like.
Speaker 3 (04:08):
This is how I well, I do love your greeting.
That you always do. I'm going to say it to you.
Hello friend, Hello mel Robins, Welcome to No Filter. I'm
your new friend, Caitline Brooke.
Speaker 1 (04:25):
I don't think you're a new friend. I think you've
been an old friend, and so thank you for welcoming
me as a friend. You know, I kind of believe
we are all friends on the road of life. I
think about the fact that you can learn anything from
anybody if you're willing to kind of lean in. And
there are going to be times, Kate, where as we're
on the road of life taking a long walk together,
(04:45):
you're going to be a couple of steps ahead of
me because you and your husband have gone through something
that my husband and I haven't yet, and so you
can be a friend to us. And then there are
times where I may be just a step ahead of
you because I just went through something with my son
and figured out that he had dyslexia, and now I can,
you know, be a friend to you as you're sorting
through an issue. And so, you know, I love of
(05:10):
saying it's your friend mail because that's what I believe,
and that's how I feel as I move through life,
whether I'm walking into a coffee shop, or through an airport,
or down a dirt road, or I'm stepping up to
a microphone.
Speaker 3 (05:22):
It's an interesting thing because your attitude to sharing your
knowledge comes from a place of great warmth and great vulnerability.
And the model that we have is that often when
people achieve a certain degree of success, they start to
put the walls up. They need to protect their privacy.
(05:43):
They won't talk about their personal life. They da, da da.
How do you maintain your openness to share your vulnerability
with basically the world.
Speaker 1 (05:57):
It's a great question, and I'll answer it a couple
of ways. Number One, I'm grateful that all of this
happens to lead in life. And you know, when you
go through an experience at the age of forty one,
you nearly lose everything that matters to you, your life, savings,
your marriage, your sanity, your family, your home. It's a
(06:19):
real wake up call, and it also sears into you
what you actually value. And I think too often it's
not until we lose something or almost lose something, that
we realize how much it meant to us. And so
to have that experience or my career at least the
one that everybody sees right now you know, I'm fifty
six now, that it started fifteen years ago at rock bottom,
(06:44):
where I was on the verge of losing everything that mattered.
And so when you have an experience where your kids
are standing next to you and you can't pay for
groceries at the grocery store, when you have experience where
your kids are in the car and you can't fill
the tank of gas that they're in, you don't lose that.
And I remember in moments of my life, whether it
(07:06):
was that moment or it was moments when I was
younger and I struggling with issues I didn't even understand.
I wasn't diagnosed until I was forty seven with ADHD,
but it impacted me my whole life that I didn't
know and I thought I was dealing with anxiety when
really I was dealing with undiagnosed ADHD. And the main
symptom that people women in particular feel when they don't
(07:29):
have a proper diagnosis of something focus related or you know,
I also have dyslexia, which I didn't know until I
was forty seven, that you develop anxiety because you're being
asked to do things that your brain functionally structurally isn't
able to do the way other people do. You start
to think that you're an idiot or there's something wrong
(07:49):
with you, and then all of that anxiety develops. And
so in these moments where I've really struggled, I just
thought I was the only one. I thought there was
something wrong with me. And looking back, I can see
that that loneliness and that sense of being closed off
in your own experience and then pretending on the surface
(08:10):
that something else was going on. It led to me
hurting other people. It led to me just spoiling really
important opportunities. It led to me acting in ways that
I really regret. It led to me hurting myself in
many many ways. And so I guess I'm so open
(08:30):
because number one, if anything, that I've learned the hard
way and help somebody else from suffering the way that
I did. My God, I will tell you everything. And
the other reason why I'm so open is I've spent
so long in my life pretending to be somebody I'm
not that I just think it's so much easier to
(08:52):
be who you are. You know, and everybody says it's vulnerable.
I actually don't think it's vulnerable at all. It is
the easiest thing in the world when you stop judging
your own experience.
Speaker 3 (09:04):
You know, when you say you spent so long pretending
to be someone that you that you wound your essential self.
It's interesting because you are so accomplished. And even when
you and your husband Chris hit the skids with the
business and you were eight hundred grand in debt and
(09:25):
that is dire, you were still a woman of great accomplishment.
You've got a couple of degrees. You're a lawyer, you
are hard hitting, you a clear thinking. Who were you
pretending to be?
Speaker 1 (09:38):
Hard hitting? Clear thinking? Got it all together? Accomplished? Hey,
degrees are something that's on a piece of paper. That
doesn't mean that you feel good about yourself. And you know,
I think for a long time I thought I had
to measure up to the Ivy League degree. I thought
I had to be something because of the lawyer thing.
(09:58):
And you know that every one of us has this
disconnect from who were presenting to the world versus the
experience that we're having in early and this deep sense
of am I enough? And for a long time the
answer was no, And there was never enough that I
could do. There was never enough that was going to
(10:21):
prove that I was okay. I was constantly seeking validation
outside of me, constantly seeking approval if a new purse,
could you know, make other people like me, if I
with the right friend group. I think we're all searching
for that level of acceptance. And it took me getting
into a very dire state where I had to rebuild
(10:42):
myself from the inside out, you know, when we were
that far in debt, and I got to a point
where it was just very difficult to get out of
bed and face the nightmare that my life had become.
Learning anew how to wake up and face the day
(11:04):
was a skill, like learning how to get out of bed,
when I didn't feel like it was a life skill,
like I had spent my life avoiding the things that
felt hard. Avoiding like academics came easy, Like I'm clearly
a very very intellectual and smart person, so hitting the
books and not having to talk to their human beings easy.
(11:24):
But really learning how to be okay with who I
am and who I'm not, learning, how to be okay
with what social group I'm in and what social group
I'm not, learning, how to be okay with what my
body is or It isn't how I measure up the
amount of money or no money. You know what's fascinating
(11:46):
is I think that in life most people know how
to have a bad attitude or be in a bad
mood for no reason, that for decades you can train
yourself to just look at the day ahead and see
nothing but reasons to be in a bad mood, reasons
(12:08):
to doubt yourself. What I think is a really important
skill in life is teaching yourself to have a good attitude,
to be in a positive mood for no reason, for
no reason, because learning how to wake up every day
and say, you know what, today is going to be
a great day, and it's not going to be great
(12:31):
the whole day, but I'm going to make it a
good day because there's something that I'm going to do
that's going to make me feel good. That's a way
to program yourself to have a good attitude. Learning how
to wake up and say, you know, I don't know
what's going to happen, but I know I'm capable of
figuring it out today. Doubling down on your ability.
Speaker 3 (12:50):
Well, I sometimes think this mood thing I find really interesting.
I did breakfast radio for twelve years, so my muscles
to wake up whistling are pretty good. You've got to
wake up happy. You got no, you've got no saying it.
And I've also got four children and they're all sort
of whired differently for mornings. Mornings in particular, I think
(13:12):
are so essential and I always say to the kids,
you may as well do it happily because it has
to be done regardless. But I think that sometimes people
use the mood that you're talking about to deflect. You
know how, no one will come near someone who's grumpy.
So when you're hiding the inner truth of yourself and
(13:36):
you project that anger or hostility or don't come near
me to the world, do you think that you were
protecting yourself from the truth of yourself at that time?
Speaker 1 (13:47):
I'm sure, because you know, like if you think about
anybody in your life who's miserable, yes, they're always in
a bad mood. They are always talking about the negative.
There's always some grape that is a human being that
is projecting an inner landscape that they have not dealt
(14:07):
with yet. There's a lot in a person like that.
There's typically a lot of sadness, there's a lot of
self criticism, there's a sense of isolation, there's a sense
that life isn't fair, and that's a very difficult thing
to sit with. I mean, there are those of us
(14:28):
that just marinate in that and make ourselves miserable, but
we don't project it to anybody else. But then there's
a lot of people that feel those exact same things
and they can't tolerate those feelings, so they barfit out
at everybody else. And so when I see somebody that's
like that, I just say, let them, let them be
in a terrible mood, let them be disappointed, let them
(14:49):
be angry at life. Because it's not my job to
save people or heal them, and I can't. But let
me not allow that negativity to impact me or to
become my job to manage, because I find that people
that are negative tend to get a lot of attention
for that negativity. They feel powerful because of that negativity,
(15:13):
and it's also a giant kind of shield to have
to do everything, you know, because you can there's always,
like this is the thing about life, there's always something
you can do to make things better. Even if you're
going through the worst thing in the world, there's always
something you can do with your attitude and with the
(15:34):
little things that you do that can make things slightly better.
I mean, this is the entire thesis of Victor Frankel's
seminal work Man search for meaning that in the middle
of the Holocaust and all these horrific things he cannot
control in the concentration camp, he recognizes that the only
thing in his control in this absolutely unspeakable situation is
(15:59):
what he's thinking about and his physical response to what's happening.
That through his thoughts and actions, he cannot only survive
this situation, but he can help himself through the situation.
And to me, when you start to understand that you
have so much more power than you realize, and that
(16:23):
no matter where you are right now, Kate, whether you're
like I am and you are just embarrassingly in debt,
or you are broken up with for the tenth time,
where you're horribly overweight, or you're like one of the
most beautiful things about the human design is that you're
designed to grow, You're designed to change. That your body
(16:44):
and your mind are waiting for you to program in
different thinking and waiting for you to wake up and
go how I'm doing life just doesn't feel good anymore,
and so I'm gonna change.
Speaker 3 (16:57):
It's interesting because we live in a time of great comfort.
Comfort's available to us pretty well with a conditioning or
with the running water that I should have had this ceremonial,
You know, very we become very resistant to discomfort because
we're so used to having air con or whatever, or
(17:18):
there's a grocery store full of abundance. How did you
face the ultimate discomfort, which I think comes from within
and you actually saying let them. The first step to
change in your life is taking responsibility for the fact
that your life isn't working. Now, That to me is
(17:38):
the most pain. That's searingly painful, that realization. We've all
had those in our life. When you had that moment,
how did you get into the depths of that? Was
it because you couldn't get out of bed?
Speaker 1 (17:56):
I want to really highlight this question. The first step
to changing is it admitting to yourself that the way
that you're living your life is no longer working. That
is all it takes to change. And it's pretty clear
when your life isn't working, or when aspects of your
(18:17):
life aren't working. I mean, you know at this point
in the story of my life. I was drinking myself
into the ground, blaming everything on my husband. I would
hit the snooze button six times in the morning and
wake up hungover to my two children who were school
age at the time, who had missed the bus. Like,
when your kids are waking you up after you've missed
(18:37):
the bus, you're basically failing at parenting in life. I mean,
let's be honest, you don't need a PhD to understand that.
That's a pretty clear indication that the way they're doing
life ain't working really well and you don't feel good
about yourself. And it doesn't take a rocket scientist or
an expert, because people know when they're not doing well.
Like I choose to believe Kate that we all want
(18:59):
to thrive. We want to do well at work, we
want to do well at school, we want to feel
connected in our relationships, we want to feel a sense
of control about where our life is going, to feel
proud of ourselves. So I choose to believe that that
is at the core who you are and what is
meant for you. And for just endless and endless reasons,
(19:19):
we get away from who we are and we get
off track, and the only thing that you need as
the first step to get back on track in your
life is to admit that how your life feels, or
how your marriage feels, or how your job feels no
longer works for you. And you don't even have to
have a reason, just saying it, I just doesn't feel
how I want it to feel. And this is the piece,
(19:41):
this second step, that I think most people miss. And
I've come to believe doing the work that I've done
now for fifteen years on myself, sharing all the things
that I share, doing all the research that I do,
I have come to believe that the single biggest obstacle
in every person's way, So the person watching or listening
(20:02):
right now, the single biggest obstacle in your way right
now is not ability. No way, your friend Mel Robbins
will tell you are fucking capable of doing what you
need to do, Like, stop with this bullshit and get
to work, like I'm gonna I'll clack, like I'm not
going to hear it. I'm not going to hear it
from you, because I choose to believe that through your
(20:24):
attitude and through your actions, you can move the needle
over time, not overnight over time. But here's the obstacle.
It is a lack of hope, discouragement, the belief that
it's not going to work for you is the reason
(20:45):
why most people stay where they are. We live in
a moment in time where you have more information than
you could possibly need. If you do not know how
to change your life, or make a million dollars, or
connect with your kids who won't talk to you, just
go to chat GGP, type in the thing you want
to change. It will spit out a thirty day, day
(21:05):
by day thing to do, and most of it will
probably be accurate. Some of it won't. But if you
follow the step by step protocol that it fits out,
I guarantee you it would work. But you're going to
look at that listener and no, that's not going to
work for me. My problems are too, and then you
start talking yourself out of it. So I really believe
(21:26):
that it is this sense of discouragement that Kate can
change your life but I can't. Kate can connect with
her kids, but I can't. Kate can wake up at
four point thirty in the morning and have a hair
mask in her hair and no water, and she'll figure
it out, but I can't because Kate has a husband
and I don't have a husband, and I can. And
so do you see how this sense that it's not
(21:47):
going to work for me, this lack of hope, actually
stops you from doing what you're capable of doing. And
so for me, that that admission to yourself that your
life is not how you want it to feel, or
your relationship is, or your body is. That's step one.
Step two is actually saying and if I don't think
(22:10):
it's going to work, by God, I am going to
act as if I am that person, and I'm going
to do it before I feel like doing that. That
is the secret, like not waiting for someone else to
do it, not waiting for the motivation to come, because
motivation is garbage is not coming. That's not how your
body works. And this was a huge wake up call
(22:31):
for me. Like I wish I had known this when
I was a kid. I didn't know that our minds
are wired against change. They can change, they love to change,
but you're not going to feel ready to change your
mind's default toward what feels easy. That's why we sit
on the couch instead of going to the gym. That's
why we watch TV instead of working on our resume,
because our minds are wired to do what feels easy
(22:51):
right now. In order to change, a human being has
to do something that is difficult. You know, if change
were easy, we'd all have a million dollars, we'd all
have six back abs, we'd all like have everything we've
ever wanted. Change happens when you were ready to do
the thing you don't feel like doing. And that's the formula.
(23:13):
If you just did the shit you didn't feel like doing,
you'd have everything you've ever wanted. And so one of
the huge wake up calls for me, Kate, is realizing
nobody's coming, Nobody's going to do this for me. I
can either circle the drain and go down it bitching
about my husband and being right that he's the loser
that did this to us. Or I can wake up
and say the way that life is going doesn't work.
(23:33):
If I want to save this house, I got to
do something about it. If I want to stop feeling bad,
I got to do something about it.
Speaker 3 (23:41):
What was Can you remember the first thing that you
did that was difficult?
Speaker 1 (23:47):
Yes, yes I can. It was a Tuesday morning in
February two thousand and eight. I know the exact morning
I had For six months, the alarm would ring and
I would lay in bed because we had so many
problems my gut. Your mind will look for whatever you
tell it to. If you put garbage in it, your
mind will have garbage out. Just look for what's wrong.
(24:10):
I would wake up every day and let me be clear,
there was a lot wrong about my life. I was
very correct in seeing a lot of negative things. Because
there were a lot of negative things. I was drinking
myself into the ground. We had eight hundred thousand dollars
in debt. There were six months of bills piled up
on that countertop. There were leans that had hit that house.
Friends and family had invested in my husband's restaurant business.
(24:32):
I had lost my job. Like, there was a lot
of reasons to feel sorry for myself, and boy, oh
boyd did I There was a lot of reasons we
pissed off at my husband, and let me tell you,
I was. But the question is, are those reasons and
that anger actually helping you? Are they helping you? Like,
(24:54):
there's a point in time where you're going to get
so sick of your own bullshit that you finally do
something different. And for me, it was a Tuesday morning
in February twenty two, thousand and eight, and the night
before I had i'd seen this rocket launch across the
television screen and it gave me this like crazy idea
(25:15):
to try to launch myself out of bed. Now, I
had had a lot of bourbon that night, and so
that's probably why I had that dumb idea. But for
whatever reason, the next morning, the alarm rings and I
remember that dumb idea of launching myself like Nasada's five
four three two one, like literally count back and launch yourself.
And I started to think about how I felt about
(25:37):
doing it. This is the mistake. You stop and think
about how you feel, and immediately I saw all the negative.
I don't feel like getting out of bed. It's cold,
it's dark, it's February, which is winter in Boston, Massachusetts.
How the hell is getting out of bed going to
pay my bills? I'm pissed off at Chris, like what
the And I started reaching for the snooze button, which
(25:58):
is a massive form of avoidance. Great way to start
the day, let's just procrastinate by getting out getting out
of bed. But for whatever reason. That morning, February two
thousand and eight, I made one decision that changed my life.
I just started counting backwards five four, three, two one,
and then I rolled out of bed. And it was
this weird moment, first time I had gotten out of
(26:21):
bed when the alarm ranged in six months, and it
felt like a small victory. And it was because it
was the first time that the negativity and the bad
mood and the anger and the depression and all of
the problems.
Speaker 3 (26:36):
It was the first time they didn't win because you deserted.
Speaker 2 (26:38):
You won.
Speaker 3 (26:39):
You deserted yourself.
Speaker 1 (26:41):
Oh I took action, Yes, yes, I took the action
despite the feelings. And you know, for you listening or
watching right now, I'm going to tell you something. There
are things that you know you need to do and
you've been waiting around to feel better. Do not do that.
You're not going to feel better until you take the
action first. Because what happens is, and this is sort
(27:01):
of how to break down what's actually happening, is your
mind is watching and every morning that you hit the
snooze button six times, it becomes your ident and your
brain's like, oh, I'm the kind of person that just
avoids doing the hard things, and then you avoid doing
more hard things. This is why you should never allow
your children's anxiety to have them opt out of something,
(27:22):
because when you allow your children's anxiety to let them
avoid doing something that scares them, you allowing them to
op out communicates to them in their brain that they're
not capable of doing hard things, and so you make
the anxiety worse. How do I know that because I
did this with my children, I made their anxiety worse
because I didn't know. Now I know, and so I
(27:44):
learned through that experience that doing something that you don't
feel like doing is a skill learning how to do
things just because you know they need to get done,
which you can do in lots of areas your life. Look,
I don't like unloading the dishwasher, I still do it.
(28:04):
I never feel like folding laundry, I still do it.
I don't feel like picking up the dog poo in
the yard before we mow it, I still do it.
There are areas of your life where you do this,
but when it comes to the most important things, you're
waiting for the feelings to align with the action, and
it is the opposite. Act first and then how you
feel changes. And here's what also happens. You start to
(28:28):
see yourself differently. Seeing myself get out of bed when
the alarm rang starts to become if you start to
do it most mornings, you start to see yourself as
the kind of person who gets out of bed when
the alarm rings, versus the kind of person who lays
there and stares at the ceiling like a human pot roast,
(28:50):
marinating in fear and all your problems and how that
and it was the action, not the thinking, that changed
the way you see yourself. And so Kate, a lot
of people will ask me, now, how the hell did
you build this insane business that you have and this
podcast and these books, and how do you have thirty
(29:13):
five people working for you in studios in Boston and
you're fifty six?
Speaker 4 (29:17):
How?
Speaker 1 (29:17):
I literally say, by learning how to get out of
bed on the mornings I don't feel like it. Because
if you can learn how to get out of bed
when you don't feel like it, if you can learn
how to have non alcoholic drink instead of an alcoholic
drink when you don't feel when you can learn how
to go for a walk when you don't feel like
it when you can learn how to start a conversation
that's hard when you don't feel like it, you can
do anything. That's the secret. And so that period of
(29:40):
my life taught me that action and acting consistently with
the things that I want gives you what you want
in life.
Speaker 3 (29:53):
Up next, Mel Robbins dives into how hitting rock bottom
saved her marriage and her life. Don't go anywhere? How
did that extrapolate to your husband and your children at
that time? So they've been living with someone who, like
(30:14):
you said, is mariniting lakabutists, as I guess Chris was
at the time as well.
Speaker 1 (30:21):
Now Chris was running for me because I was a
complete bitch to be around. Like he's a very smart man.
He was drinking himself into the ground. Yeah, how it
translated is my mood shifted. Problems started getting solved. I
got myself a job, I started asking for help. I
started being honest about what was going on. I started
(30:42):
five four three two one. Instead of screaming at Chris,
I would settle myself. So one decision, one action at
a time. I started to take different actions, and those
changed the course of everything. And it all starts with
you like we're all sitting around waiting to be rescued
or waiting for somebody else to do it. You have
(31:04):
so much more power, Like think about yourself and the
power that you have. Like there, you can be sunny
and that changes everybody around you. That's the power that
you have. Or you can be a storm, and we
all know people who walk in a room and they
are a storm and their energy affects everybody. You get
(31:25):
to choose being in a positive and action oriented mindset
for no reason, because right now you're in a very
negative or self doubting one for no particular reason other
than the fact that you're used to it.
Speaker 3 (31:46):
So Chris rose to meet you, the new you, when
you could show yourself again to be not really okay,
not really? How is that?
Speaker 1 (31:55):
Because you can't make other people change, you can't. Like
Chris started using five four three two one and went
back into his restaurant business and renegotiated leases and laid
off a bunch of people and went to the investors.
And it was like a slog for years and years
and years turning it around. But you know, when he
left the restaurant business in twenty fourteen, he was a
(32:16):
shell of himself. So six years later, he's doing the stuff,
but he hadn't addressed his drinking. He hadn't addressed the
shame that he felt about the fact that, you know,
as a man, and this is speaking and very heterosexual norms,
he felt he had failed because he didn't provide for
his family and his business was in a success and
(32:36):
he lost people's money, and he went into a dark depression.
And every want I just yeah, an angry, resentful wife
who was now out there like having to make the
money and you know, working three jobs and making the
ends meet, while he's barely able to hold it together.
(32:56):
And this is the thing about life. You cannot heal
another person. You cannot do the work for another person.
The way that you actually do the work for other
people is you do the work to make you proud
of yourself. You do the work to align your actions
every day in a way that makes you proud of yourself.
(33:17):
And if you are proud of yourself, because you get
out of bed and you make your bed and you
have a morning routine that makes you feel like you
and then you go to work and you're a good
person and you're kind to people, and you do the
best that you can, and you try hard to stay
in control of your emotions. You're not an asshole to people.
And you end the day and put your head on
(33:38):
your pillow and say, you know what, I did the
best I could today. I'm proud of myself. You're winning.
Speaker 3 (33:44):
Yeah, you're winning. And then people are attracted to the
qualities that you are demonstrating. They're like mail, how do
you know the secret of you always seem like you're
in a good mood or think great things are happening
for you.
Speaker 1 (34:00):
Taught myself how to be cape and here's why. Let's
just take what happened to you this morning with the
hair mask and the water being turned off and all
of this stuff. In a situation like that, and I'm
a very pragmatic person, if you allow the things in
life that you can't control. You can't control the fact
(34:22):
that you didn't get the text because you didn't get
the text. You can't control that the water was getting
turned off because you can't control the fact that the
hairs that the hair masks are because it's already in
your hair, so let them, let them, let them. And
if you then go into a really negative attitude and
you let yourself get all worried and stressed out or worse,
(34:44):
you start going, why am I a stupid idiot who
always does these kinds of things? And now I'm going
to go to this interview and it's going to be
terrible because of this happen And you do that to yourself,
which we do to ourselves in these moments. What happens
is you trigger your own brain to go from present
(35:06):
and fully capable of handling this situation to a stress response,
and you're a migdala in the back of your brain
turns on. You go into fight or flight and stress
out mode. And the research is very clear when you're
a migdala is turned on because you're now negative and
(35:27):
criticizing yourself and doomsday and all that stuff that you've
done your whole life to yourself, you actually can't think
clearly because the prefrontal cortex isn't working at its full capacity.
Speaker 3 (35:41):
So your.
Speaker 1 (35:44):
Habit of just going into a bad mood and a
bad attitude, which then makes you stressed out, actually makes
everything worse because you can't bring your thinking and your
problem solving online to help you. That's what happens. And
(36:06):
when I started to realize, wait a minute, I have
forever defaulted to doubting myself. I have forever defaulted to
worrying or second guesting, or questioning or like wondering, you know,
if other people are going to approve. I've forever trained
myself to do this. Why not train yourself to do
the opposite. Why not train yourself to be in a
(36:30):
good mood just because you know that it's going to
help you in those situations when life goes sideways and
there's plenty of things to be in a bad mood about.
But does the bad mood help you? That's the question.
Speaker 3 (36:41):
You know, you tell an interesting story and let them
And the power of that book and that theory is
so great that even when I was doing a really
deep dive on you and the book in preparation for
our interview, it helped me. I wasn't looking for it,
(37:03):
wasn't looking for help, just that there were I realized
that there were instances in my life work related things
where you know, sometimes you feel excluded from things and
their friends and they're working with other people or whatever,
and I went, oh, my goodness, let them right. This
(37:23):
is how powerful. It is very powerful when I was
reading about you with the greater purpose, not being myself.
I still reap the benefit from it. Extraordinary. But you
tell a story in the book and when you go
to your friend's place and she's got this renovated house.
(37:47):
Yeah yeah, and you feel jealous, yeah, jealous.
Speaker 1 (37:54):
Oh my god, I literally, like, I literally wanted to die. Like,
have you ever had a friend who all of a
sudden they moved to like the fancy of your town,
or they moved from renting an apartment to this like
brownstone that they buy, And then they invite you over
for dinner, and as you're driving up the long driveway,
(38:15):
you're thinking, how the hell do they have this much money?
And then they open up the door, and you're happy
for your friend because your friend works hard and your
friend deserves to be happy, But you're just not happy
for yourself because as you're gripping the wine glass and
you're grinning your teeth trying to smile that like freak smile,
and every single corner of their house looks like a
(38:38):
display on Pinterest. And then you turn the corner and
there is your dream kitchen, and she's got the white
can that's and the marble countertops, and you're like, you bitch,
I shouldn't have shown you my Pinterest boards.
Speaker 3 (38:54):
You stole my kitchens, right and then you and you.
Speaker 1 (38:57):
Literally, you know, if you're anything like me at the time,
because this happened to me, this particular story, when we're
still really struggling financially, you hold it together. And then
when you get in the car and you go to
drive away, you turn to your poor partner and you're like,
why couldn't you have been in finance?
Speaker 3 (39:20):
Why did you have to be a nice person? Why
couldn't you be honey.
Speaker 1 (39:25):
Like you just like aim it at them? Oh my god,
it was so bad.
Speaker 3 (39:29):
You know.
Speaker 1 (39:30):
I believed that success and happiness and friendship and kitchens
with white countertops were in limited supply. I believed and
went through life that if Kate has a podcast, I
can't have one. That if you go on a vacation
to them all these I can't that if you wear
(39:53):
embroidered like that, somehow your success or your happiness is
robbing me of mine that there was And it's such bullshit.
These things are in limitless supply. If you're willing to
wake up every day and do the boring annoying ruling
(40:15):
work that it takes to create these things in your life,
and it doesn't happen overnight, Like you're not going to
get the kitchen in the next five years, but you
might get it in the next fifteen. But here's the
mistake I was making. I actually thought I was competing
against other people. Nobody is like against you. I really
(40:36):
mean this, I really want. I want you to just
understand something that other people don't block your way. Other
people lead the way. They show you what's possible. And
when you get that jealous I didn't understand jealousy. Jealousy
is so interesting to unpack because you only get jealous
(41:01):
of things you authentically want. It is impossible to be
jealous of something you don't want. I'm not jealous of
any anybody who drives a yellow Lamborghini. I don't want one.
But I might be jealous of a friend who has
all of their kids, who you know, my kids are
now adults who live near them, because I want that.
(41:24):
Jealousy comes from a very deep and authentic place, because
it is a desire of yours that is somehow blocked.
And it's either blocked because you've told yourself you can't
have that, or it's never going to happen, or you've
told yourself I can't do that, or things like that
(41:48):
don't happen to people like me, and jealousy rises up
because you actually aren't doing anything to walk toward it.
Speaker 3 (42:00):
But now you realize that you must have friends who
are jealous of you.
Speaker 1 (42:07):
Sure let them. I'm not stopping them from doing anything.
And now what I realize is how sad that I
went through my life for the first fifty four years
jealous of people that actually could have, for those fifty
four years been a source of inspiration, a source of information,
(42:27):
a source of support, like no, my friend was never
against me. I could have leaned in and been like,
oh my gosh, how do I go from where I
am to where you are?
Speaker 4 (42:40):
Like?
Speaker 1 (42:40):
What if I just painted my cabinets white? Now it's
not going to be my dream kitchen, but I'm now
signaling to my own brain that it's something that I
want that I don't have to wait for sure. It
kind of sucks that I can't afford to hire somebody,
but I can make it a date night and paint
the cabs as myself with my husband, Like why do
I have to let somebody else's wins be my loss.
(43:02):
You need to see these things as signals of what
your own heart is calling you toward. And it's like
a wake up call. Get to fucking work, Like, stop
telling yourself you can't have this stuff. Stop coming up
with excuses, because there are a million ways to figure out.
Speaker 3 (43:20):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (43:20):
You know, if you have a friend that's in fantastic
shape because she's got serious about her hormones and she's
been lifting weight and now you know sheoks better than
she did in her forties. If you're jealous of it, okay, great,
get going. Ask her what she did, Ask her what
supplements she takes, Ask her what her exercise routine. Let
(43:41):
her lead the way instead of telling yourself a lie
that somehow, okay, well she's done it. No, I can't
do it because it'll be copying her. No, that's ridiculous.
Speaker 3 (43:53):
After the break, Mel Robbins explains how to Let Them
theory became a global movement and later makes a huge
announcement that you are not going to want to miss.
When your daughter Kendall gave you the let them basically
(44:17):
the mantra. The night that you were trying to control things.
A story that you've told about your your son Oakley's
prom night when you were trying to control and she
just kept saying, let them, let them, let them go
to the taco stand, let them go in the rain,
let them just do what they want. What was the
moment when you realized, oh, my goodness, this is something
(44:41):
to live by.
Speaker 1 (44:42):
It did not like that night was when my shoulders dropped,
and I'm like, why do I care so much? Like
I was being your typical controlling mom and let me
be honest about something, Keith, I've been trying to be
more stoic my entire life. I'm married to a Buddhist.
It's super annoying when you're like crazy controlling and you
grip the wheel of wave and Chris is just like.
Speaker 3 (44:59):
Let them, please, let them. Buddhists say let them.
Speaker 1 (45:02):
Well, that's why this theory has exploded. It's not a
new idea. It is a modern version. I created the theory,
I made the case for it. But the reason why
it's exploded is I'm reminding you of what you've known
to be true since the beginning of time. Now let
them theory is how you bestowing they Let them theory
(45:22):
is how you apply the serenity prayer when life is
pissing you off. The let them theory is radical acceptance
because when you say let them, you're not allowing anybody
to do anything. You're recognizing who they are and what
they're doing. When you say let them, you're practicing CBT
therapy and detachment therapy. See, it's a tool that allows
(45:44):
you to access these deep, deep, deep things. The second
part of the theory let me hell. My mother has
a version of this. She is a needle pointed pillow
that says, pull up your big girl panties and deal
with it. That's let me. That's what that is. And
so people read this book and they're nodding along because
we all have a sense that we've always known that
(46:06):
this is true. We just never knew how to take
these in intellectual and therapeutic concepts and apply them in
a moment where you're hurt, or you're stressed, or you're scared,
or you're upset about something. And so you know, for me,
I have been posting about these topics for years. But
the truth is, when life would get overwhelming, I would
(46:29):
be just like everybody else, I'd be completely like freaked
out and unable to access stoicism, and so I'd just
like spiral. But as she said that, it stopped me
for my spiral. And then I just started to anytime
I was stressed out or annoyed or bothered, I would
literally just say, let them, whether I was standing in
(46:50):
a long line or somebody's walking slow in front of me.
And here's what I noticed. People are fucking annoying, and
they stress you out, and they hurt your feelings, and
most of the things that make you stressed have to
do with other people. And I started to recognize there's
a totally different way for me to live my life.
Why am I giving some time and energy to other people?
(47:11):
Why am I giving time and energy to things I
can't control? Why am I trying to change everybody? Why
is it my job to make everybody happy? Let them
be miserable, let them try to make me feel guilty,
let them. And here's the thing, though, I want to
tell you, Kate, is that it was just to let them. Theory,
it was just let them, let them, let them, let them,
let them, let them. For the first six months, it
(47:31):
was let them, let them, let them. And I started
writing this book, and I finished the first draft and
I'm like, something's wrong because the book was let them,
let them, let them, let them, let them, let them,
let the them, let them, let them. And my daughter
came home and from a big solo backpacking trip. She
was actually in Australia, New Zealand and all over Asia,
(47:53):
and she needed money because she was broke. And I
was like, you are a walking human Excel spreadsheet. So
I'm going to give you a research assignment. I've just
finished this draft of this book. Something's missing. I want
you to go back into all the in and look
at the comments on the podcast episode I did about this,
and look at the comments on the YouTube episode I've
(48:16):
done about this. Nobody knew I was writing a book
yet I had just done the podcast episode, and I'm like,
I want you to look for what's not working. I
want you to look for how are people using it?
What are they saying about it? What are they saying
in terms of I started using it, but now it's
not working, and come back to me. I thought it
would take her four weeks. She came back within thirty
(48:36):
six hours. She had a twenty seven page Excel spreadsheet
columned tabbed source links and she had this synopsis at
the top, and she's like, can't write the book. Like,
what do you mean you can't write the book. I'm
writing the book. She's like, Mom, you can't write the book.
I said, why can't I write the book? She said,
people are using let them and they're lonely because when
you say let them, you realize, wait a minute, I'm
(48:58):
the only sibling in my family that reaches out, and
when I stop reaching out, nobody does. And wait a minute,
my friends are jerks because I invite them everywhere, but
they often make plans without me. I'm supposed to just
let them. Wait a minute. This person that I've been
dating for a year actually treats me like crap. Like
(49:19):
I'm basically thinking I'm going to marry somebody who won't
put a label on this relationship. I'm supposed to just
let them. And she said there has to be a
second part, mom, because once you recognize the truth in
your relationships and the truth that your boss doesn't recognize
your contributions, you don't want to sit in feeling disempowered
(49:44):
and lonely. There has to be a second part. And
I was like, what's the second part, She's like, let me.
And so the second part of the theory, which is
how you take your power back and you recognize it.
In life, there's only three things you control, what you think,
what you do or don't do, and how you process
the very real emotions.
Speaker 3 (50:01):
That rise and fall every day.
Speaker 1 (50:03):
And it was because of her and her research that
the theory became developed, and then we spent the next
nine months writing the book.
Speaker 3 (50:14):
Mel Robbins, thank you for you, Thank you for being
a friend to so many, Thank you for changing lives.
As a final glimpse into you, what would you like
to change in yourself? Oh?
Speaker 1 (50:35):
What would I like to change in myself? I think
in a moment like this, where you have this enormous
thing happening, it's very very easy to want to do more.
And because I nearly lost everything that mattered to me,
(50:58):
my family, my home, my sanity, my marriage, I don't
want to get so busy that I lose sight of
the things that are important. And so it's not that I,
you know, I'm trying to change anything. I want to
make sure that I don't change that. I stay laser
(51:22):
focused on showing up in a way that makes me
very proud that I really protect my time and energy
so that I can continue to spend a lot of
it with my family and with my friends, that I
don't ever forget who I am at my core and
get all caught up in the bigness of this or
(51:45):
anything else huge that I lose sight of who I am. Yeah, Like,
that's why I like this is being proud of yourself
because of how you live your life is the winning formula.
And you have full control over training your mind to
(52:08):
think differently. You have full control over how you wake
up in the morning, the series of actions that you
take once you do. And I really hope that you
will take the truth of what I'm sharing with you
in these simple tools, whether it's five four three two
(52:30):
one or it is let them and let me and
you try them, Like you don't have to buy the book,
try the theory. It's so simple, and see if you
feel better, See if you're less stressed. See if learning
how to accept the challenging people in your life for
who they are and who they're not. See if learning
(52:53):
how to do that actually brings you closer to them.
Because I'm telling you, if you really embrace this and
you try this in your life, you will recognize that
you've had You've got the tools, and you have all
this power. And when you stop giving it away and
you reclaim it and you push yourself to live your
(53:13):
way in a life that makes you proud, you will
be proud of yourself. No matter what people say about you.
Speaker 3 (53:19):
Mel Robins, you deserve to be proud of yourself.
Speaker 1 (53:23):
Well, one thing I want to tell you is that
twenty twenty six, I'm coming to Australia, New Zealand. Oh
and the only way that you're gonna and I have
not told anybody, We have not announced it yet, but
for your audience. Yeah, if you're not on my newsletter
list at Melrobins dot com, you better get on it
because that's who's going to hear about this first. And
(53:43):
I cannot wait to be in person.
Speaker 3 (53:46):
Okay, the Mama Maya audience will love this. Will you
bring the family?
Speaker 1 (53:52):
Yes, I am honored to be able to share that
with you for the first time.
Speaker 3 (54:00):
Bring them all, Bring all the Robinses. We want all
of you. Wow, that's quite an announcement. Eil Robbins is
heading our way in twenty twenty six, and we got
the exclusive here on No Filter. What really stands out
for me is how mel has turned her personal journey
(54:24):
and to let them theory into not just a movement,
but a global empire. It's pretty mind blowing to see
how she's taken her message and made it into a
business that has touched millions, myself included. The executive producer
of No Filter is Naima Brown. Senior producer is Bree Player,
(54:46):
with audio production by Jacob Brown and video production by
Josh Green. And I am your host, Kate lane Brook.
I will see you next week.
Speaker 5 (54:58):
Hello, this is Naima Brown, the executive producer of No Filter,
and today we're bringing you a taste of a new
podcast we've just released, Cold I Never told you this.
It's about connection, about brave conversations and how to have
more honest relationships. If you want to continue to listen
to this series, it will be dropping over in our
(55:19):
But Are You Happy? Podcast will pop links to but
Are You Happy in the show notes Happy Listening.
Speaker 2 (55:26):
I'm a Shani Dante, host of But Are You Happy?
Speaker 3 (55:29):
Did you know that.
Speaker 2 (55:30):
One in five Australians experience and mental health condition each year?
Yet too many suffer in silence talking about our feelings
and experiences is one of the most powerful steps towards
healing and knowing we're not alone. That's why we're introducing
I Never told you This, a series created to spark honest,
meaningful conversations that support better mental well being, brought to
(55:52):
you by Medibank.
Speaker 4 (55:55):
I'm just actually feeling really freaking angry right now. What
a wasted emotion.
Speaker 6 (55:59):
Pride is two people, one big reveal. I never told
you this. A simple card game where one question could
change everything. It starts live what's more thing brings you joy?
Speaker 3 (56:10):
I'm not going to answer that.
Speaker 6 (56:12):
Then comes the moment that could shift a relationship forever.
As they finished this sentence, I never told you this.
Speaker 3 (56:18):
I've never told you.
Speaker 1 (56:19):
They never told you this.
Speaker 6 (56:24):
Today, cousins Tina and Dula will be sitting down together.
Speaker 7 (56:28):
I don't know how she's going to take what I'll
be sharing with her.
Speaker 6 (56:32):
Yula has something big to reveal to her cousin Tina.
Speaker 7 (56:36):
Hi, Well, I've got this fun game called the Mediebank
Family Roast card Game.
Speaker 1 (56:43):
Why not come up for anything.
Speaker 7 (56:46):
I'm going to pick up a card. Now, in what
way do you think we're similar?
Speaker 1 (56:52):
Both can talk underwater.
Speaker 4 (56:53):
Both got a very quirky outlook on life, willing to
train anything once.
Speaker 1 (56:58):
How long will we got.
Speaker 3 (57:00):
My journ?
Speaker 4 (57:01):
Let's go tell us about an embarrassing childhood memory.
Speaker 7 (57:05):
At your house in the country, when I decided to
lock my st in the out what are they called
the toilet outhouse and didn't tell anyone came inside the
house or playing or playing and dancing to music. I
got into so much trouble. It was a very bad
thing to do, and I'm very you regret it.
Speaker 3 (57:28):
I'm not going to answer that.
Speaker 4 (57:30):
Is there a family tradition you hope continues for generations.
Speaker 7 (57:34):
In our culture? Great Easter is one of the biggest nights.
It's quite spectacular and.
Speaker 1 (57:41):
In the middle of the night, that's something different.
Speaker 7 (57:43):
Is my turn to pick up a card? I never
told you this, okay? You know how whenever I see you,
you are constantly asking me why I'm giving you things,
(58:05):
whether it's food, useless objects, nice things. And we've tried,
you've tried to diagnose it of some sort correct, correct,
And I do know why I do it, and it's
because the big one when I was about between the
(58:30):
ages of eight and twelve, whenever you close the takeaway
shop that you owned in the country eight hours six
eight hours away. It was you'd come down for public holidays.
You'd call us when you're on your way, and then
we'd just been camped outside waiting and counting the cars
for the whole hours, and then when you'd finally get there,
(58:50):
you'd say, oh, you know, you're so excited to see me,
which I genuinely was. But part of the reason I
was excited was that I knew your family would be
bringing all the food from the shop. I don't know
whether you knew. My mom never wanted me to tell you.
(59:13):
She didn't want any of you to know that we
didn't have money for food.
Speaker 2 (59:20):
The rest of this episode of I never told you this.
Right after the break, what's something you wish you knew
about your family? Get together and play the Medibank Family
Roast to find out. It's the card game design to
get families connecting and talking, because when the bonds of
family are stronger, Australia is stronger. So get around the
(59:41):
dinner table, a tasty conversation is about to be served.
Search Medibank Family Roast. Live better with Medibank.
Speaker 7 (59:54):
I remember some weeks we would eat nothing but boiled potatoes.
We would often go days without any food. We were
literally starving, and just seeing that car and all the
food and things that I would never be able to
afford to buy, like chicks and chocolates, was just like
(01:00:15):
our lifeline.
Speaker 1 (01:00:19):
Wow.
Speaker 4 (01:00:20):
I'm sorry, that's huge. I had no idea. I'm just
actually feeling really freaking angry right now because it just
goes to show what a wasted emotion pride is. You know,
you're cousins. We never wanted for anything. We didn't have
lots of everything. We had enough, and to think that
(01:00:41):
you guys didn't have enough breaks my heart.
Speaker 7 (01:00:45):
And I'm sure if my family, my parents reached out,
your parents would have absolutely helped us.
Speaker 1 (01:00:52):
You always look after the children.
Speaker 4 (01:00:54):
It's not anything to put an extra plate out, do
you know what I mean? I know things were hard,
like you know, especially for immigrant families, you know, with
parents learning English as a second language, things were quited up.
I remember my dad telling me, you know that he'd
often work three or four jobs at a time and
makings meat. But I just assumed that you guys were
always okay.
Speaker 7 (01:01:12):
You know, my dad had his own issues and couldn't
keep a job down. My mum had mental health issues.
Both our families migrated. Your parents opened up a shop
and were doing well. Mine was struggling to make ends
meet or hold down any regular work. Your parents were
successful and they were failures.
Speaker 4 (01:01:31):
Well, I think that's something that it's just endemic and bunks,
not just Greeks, but lots of cultures. They waste their
time worrying about what are the people going to think,
when actually no one's thinking about them at all. If
my dad had known that things were that difficult for you,
he would have employed your parents. You know, we could
have all lived together and worked together because God knows
we needed works. You know something it didn't have to happen.
Speaker 7 (01:01:55):
Moving forward, it's how do we make it better for
us and our children and how important it is to
ask for help. It might be the norm to suffer
in silence, so we know in our culture's pride thing,
but we need to change that, and we change that
by coming out setting an example.
Speaker 4 (01:02:15):
Well, I mean, remember when we were kids. You couldn't
find any you couldn't find a translator. How many times
did you get dragged to an office with you Mum
and dad I want to explain something, you know, so
I think definitely is a social thing. We are progressing
as a society, but as you said, it is very
important that newcomers understand. Everybody needs to understand it's okay.
You know, there's nothing wrong with asking for help, and
(01:02:37):
all you're doing by hanging on to some ridiculous pride
is just injuring yourself.
Speaker 7 (01:02:45):
I feel like this whole weight has come off and
that I can sleep well tonight, you know, decades later.
As soon as I see your car pulling up, it
just takes me back to that childhood, and the instinct
is the happiness, the happiness, the food, and I just
feel eternally obligated to give something back, which is why
I will not let you leave my house without things,
(01:03:09):
whether it's olives or sweets.
Speaker 4 (01:03:11):
Let's just you've held onto this for so many years,
and how many els have we wasted? Try to diagnose
what kind of disorder you have?
Speaker 7 (01:03:18):
We called a reverse hoardingdi Thank you. I really appreciate
you coming on board today. I know it's been suspenseful,
and I hope you are able to accept what happened
and not take any responsibility for it and just appreciate
(01:03:39):
what you did and what a big impact you had
in my life, because that's what I want this to
be about.
Speaker 4 (01:03:45):
I don't think there's anything I couldn't ask you for,
and I hope that you feel the same. Genuine to
Speaker 2 (01:03:59):
The presenting partner of this episode of I Never Told
You This was Medibank Live bet Up with Medibank
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