Absurd Truth: The Joos[ie] Sommelier is LOOSIE

Jussie Smollett, the former Empire star, returns to relevancy to deny that his 2019 MAGA hate crime claim was a hoax, calling it the truth while slamming Rahm Emanuel and Chicago PD. Meanwhile, First Lady Melania Trump puts Hunter Biden on a $1B notice over 'false, defamatory' Epstein comments. Hunter Biden responds to Melania with an ‘F’ bomb.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Dana Lashes Absurd Truth podcast sponsored by Keltech. Like Sam's
Through the al Glance, so are the days of the
United States.

Speaker 2 (00:11):
There's a lot of memes of jd.

Speaker 3 (00:12):
Vance on the internet.

Speaker 2 (00:13):
There are what's your favorite meme or like funny joke
about yourself like after.

Speaker 3 (00:18):
The Pope or you know, there's a lot there's a
lot of options to pick from this. So my favorite
meme was and this is very inappropriate, but maybe it's
it's it's not too soon, but you know, there was
the whole thing about how I was into couches, yep,
And right after the Pope died, there was one. There

(00:39):
was just a meme of the Pope Usha and a couch,
and it like took me a second to get it,
and then when I got I was like, man, that's
pretty good. That's pretty good. In fact, I like to
think the left isn't very good at meming. So my
hope is that a right winger came up with that,
because that was a very funny meme.

Speaker 2 (00:56):
That is kind of funny. That's the way that you
should respond to it, like this is petty, like his
response versus Christy Gnomes response is that's the way you
got to handle that stuff. I just don't. It's like
when it's funny, if it's funny, I would have people
that would make uh like stuff about me, And I
was only offended when the person thought it was good

(01:18):
and it was really bad. Like if it's funny, I'll
allow it, but it's not. If it's not funny, then
I actually feel slighted. It's worse to me than like
that the original intent of the offense. It's actually more
offensive when it's not funny, because I'm just like I

(01:38):
thought that smart people were disagreeing with me. Smarter people
I would like to think that I had a better
quality troll, and then it made me feel like not
as worthy of better trolls. And it's just like a
whole like existential crisis. So I was just like that sucks,
Like these are really they're just not creative people. So
that's funny, and that's the way that you should if

(02:00):
it's funny, it's funny. They had. So he's in the Cotswolds, right,
and he's out near Chadlington where Jeremy Clarkson's and I
love Diddley Squat Farm where he's got his farm, and
you got the Beckhams that live out there, Golden Ramsey
and Tony Blair and all these people. But he's like
vacationing Jadvans and their family. They're vacationing out there. I

(02:23):
guess they have like a country house out in the Cotswolds.
And people are mad, but they don't know what they're
mad about. And Clarkson's been making fun of it on Instagram,
showing the beautiful quiet countryside birds chirp and he's like,
he goes, look at this absolute mess. This is all
this chaos is from jd Vance. The people are complaining,
but there's nothing for them to complain about. That's what's

(02:46):
so amusing by this. But someone did rent a truck
with one of those giant jd Vance memes. It's the
one reason the giant he has a giant fat face
and corkscrew curls and his big o' eyes and they
put that on the side of Lorri and they've just
been driving it around. But the problem is that the
truck is so big and bulky that it's creating a

(03:09):
traffic problem for people in the Cotswold. So it's having
the opposite intended effect that that they wanted it to have.
They thought they were going to be making fun of
JD fans, and now everyone's mad at them because this
truck is so big and bulky and it's making snarling
traffic in these little villages. It's actually quite funny. So
I have to go on. I'm going on a cruise
and it's kind of like a you know, a work

(03:30):
trip kind of thing, a fun thing you're going with MRC.
You guys know how I feel about cruisis. This one's
going to Norway, though, so I'm pretty sure that there's
not going to be any shenanigans. But it's on a boat,
and you guys know, I get. I just don't do
good on boats. I know that all of them have
sea keepers now and all this stuff, but I ain't
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(03:55):
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(04:16):
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(04:37):
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(05:00):
off of your order. Guys, do you remember an esteemed
actor named Juicy Somalier. No, it's not a fat wine expert,
it's a Juicy Somalier. Justice for Juicy. Guys, remember this,

(05:21):
So he's back. I know you guys are so happy
because you you were counting the days Juicy Smolier. I
don't even know how you say his name, but we're
doing it the Dave Chappelle way. No, that's wrong, it's wrong. Caine.
He slams the Chicago police rom Emmanuel as villains, and

(05:42):
then he denies that thee he denies that it was
a hate crime hoax, and he says he's mounting a
comeback and his story has never changed. Oh boy, oh man,
Now you guys remember what happened, right, guys, remember what
happened to Juicy?

Speaker 3 (05:58):
Right?

Speaker 2 (05:59):
So, man, he uh, he fabricated a hate crime. He
fabricated a hate crime. Let's what what you were? What
year this was? This? I remember it was in It
was during this it was during winter. It was during
a snowstorm in Chicago, but it was Yeah. So he

(06:23):
said that these these men in Chicago beat him up,
put a noose on his neck and yelled, this is
Maca country. And it was something like what like happened
at like in the middle of the night, essentially, right,
happened in the middle of the night at twenty nineteen

(06:44):
and it was febru No, February. Well he was charged
in February. Yeah, you're right. January twenty ninth, he said
he went out to get a sandwich in a bad snowstorm,
as one does, you know, Yeah, three in the morning,
you know, got to get them meats. I get it.
So he goes out. I don't. Actually, he is out
in the middle of a snowstorm in downtown Chicago going

(07:06):
to get a sandwich. Right, So these dudes, he said,
oh my gosh, they were yelling and I was gay
and saying homophobic slurs and racial slurs. They put a
noose around my neck. And remember he took a picture
of himself with a noose around his neck, Like didn't
he take it off? And nothing was adding up. And
as they were investigating, they came across these two dudes, right,

(07:29):
so weird, these two dudes. So ultimately Juicy paid them
to go in and do this. He hired these two
dudes to beat him up and then pretend to do
all this stuff, and then he was going to make
this big claim. He was going to act like a victim.
You know why he did this instead of took acting

(07:49):
lessons because This is how weak people get power. Weak
people get power by pretending to be a victim. It's
a rejection of meritocracy. They want they want the notoriety,
and they want the power that comes from trying to
care for and satiate a victim, and they weaponize that

(08:10):
and they use that as leverage to make themselves more famous.
This was a PR stunt for him, and so he
went to the Northwestern Memorial Hospital. They released him because
he's fine, But the investigation found out that he paid
these two work acquaintances from Africa who were brothers, to
stage the assault. Then it came they were on CCTV
at a hardware store buying the noose and that like

(08:33):
kidnap supplies, and they wrote a check for it. They
wrote a check for it. You might as well just
put kidnap supplies in the memo section. And so Kim
Fox was in charge, and she was trying to drop
the charges and do all of this stuff. And after
all this came out, Smollier fired a countersuit against the
City of Chicago. He said that he was a victim

(08:53):
of mass public ridicule and harm, and the city spent thout.
They spent six figures investig getting this hoax, and he
said he should not have to reimburse the city for
his failed PR stunt, and he said, no, he's the
victim of mass public ridicule and harm. Well, yeah you are,
because you're a lying hoaxter and you're a racist bigot.
That's why. I mean, can you again the jokes that

(09:16):
were written about this in the middle of the night
in a snowstorm at Chicago, And I'm really sure people
are going to be out there going this is mag
country and all this stuff. This is just the dumbest
stuff ever. Dave Chappelle's like five minute bit on it
is still the best. So anyway, where the hell has
he been? Nobody knows, and we don't care. You know
why we don't care because he's just not valuable into

(09:38):
our culture. I'm sorry, but he's not. And then he
does all this stuff he tried to he tried to
just actually like kickstart like a race war. He tried
to do that. He tried to divide his country with
this stuff, and I just find that absolutely unforgivable, I

(09:58):
really do. So he pled no, no contest. Well he
came up, but he's had a little bit of a
rap sheet. He played no contest to some charges back
in two thousand and seven. In twenty twenty two, he
was sentenced to serve one hundred fifty days in jail,
et cetera, et cetera. Anyway, so he's back and for
some reason, Variety was like, you know who we need

(10:18):
to go interview. Let's go interview Juicy Smalia. So he
still maintains that he did not fake it. Dude, dude,
I know, I know. And Smolia goes he was saying

(10:38):
that his story is still his story, and that quote,
we're living in a world where the higher ups their
main mission in order to do all of the underhanded
things that they're doing, is to distract us with the
shiny object. Wait, that's what you were trying to do.
You were trying to distract people with like racial claims.

(11:00):
Literally what you were doing, I mean you he made
it up to the instagree. It was disgusting. So he
says that my story has never changed. Well, that's irrelevant.
That just means that you just you can keep to
a lie. That's it. And I don't know he's trying

(11:21):
to he's trying to make a comeback. He signed a
deal with some record company that nobody knows about, and
he's coming out with the dumb song that no one's
gonna listen to. Uh, actually, I think it's already out. No, yeah,
it's already out. Nobody cares. Yeah, it came out a
few days ago. Nobody cares. He's only doing this because
he's he's, you know, trying to He's still chasing that fame, right,
He's still chasing that fame. But he says that he

(11:43):
didn't do anything wrong and that the judge, Remember the
judge told him in his case that he was someone
who quote craved attention, and he acted like he was
this big civil rights hero. Do you know that when
he was a kid. Fun fact, he uh signed was
represented by Kurt Cameron's mom, who's in The Mighty Ducks.

(12:05):
Isn't it interesting? Just wanted to point that out. I
find that fascinating. So this I just find this so sad.
I mean, he no one believes that you're a victim.
You're a Hollywood actor, you were in very successful television
programs and movies. You are the epitome of privilege. Nobody

(12:25):
believes that you are a victim of anything. They don't
believe you're a victim of a single thing. It's just nonsense.
He wanted to be a victim, I guess because he
wasn't getting enough attention in his professional life, so he's
actually trying to come back. I cannot believe that Variety

(12:45):
thinks this is the time to launch this, dude. It
just this is unbelievable. So juicy Somalier. You know, that's
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Speaker 1 (13:50):
You and now all of the news you would probably miss.
It's time for data's quick five.

Speaker 2 (13:57):
Let's see hackers post forty three gigabytes of Saint Paul
data after the city refused to pay ransom. Ooh my goodness.
That yeah, that's The mayor says that hackers posted forty
three gigs of data stolen from the City of Saint
Paul on the dark web after they fused to refuse
to pay the ransom. They in an update, said that

(14:18):
it was a gang that had stolen the data, and
they were described by federal authorities as a sophisticated money
driven organization et cetera, et cetera. They target like government's, hospitals, corporations,
things like that. So far, they said that they're not
core city systems, so like light like payroll, permitting and

(14:39):
licenses and that. But they still were posting some of
the data publicly and they're investigating it. Good night. I
really wanted to get to the story, so I cannot
believe people are doing this. Three thirty thousand dollars of
stolen la boo boos. I cannot make fun of this enough.
I caane, I legit saw yesterday. I saw a grown woman.

(15:02):
This is the second time I've seen this in the
wild with a laboo boo on her back. Now, if
y'all don't know what a labooboo is, it's this. It's
like a troll doll, like you know, he had troll
dolls in the nineties. Okay, so it's that, but it's
for women to apparently weigh too much money in time
on their hands and maybe some kids. They're like disgusting,
little nasty troll looking things with like teeth in that

(15:24):
I don't know, and people hang them on their bags.
So in California Police Live they recovered thirty thousand dollars
worth of this of them. Yeah, exactly. They're so expensive.
Would you for just a basic labooboo? It's like forty
bucks and they're little and this woman, I think hers
was maybe a fancy kind because you can pay hundreds,

(15:46):
maybe even thousands, like they're the beanie babies for rich broads.
I don't know, but I saw my second one in
the wild, Like that is an actual labooboo and she
had a pretty fancy purse that she car so I
was like, that's probably a real one. Oh my gosh.
A Fresno man was, oh wow, oh wow, I've never

(16:07):
heard that two hundred pounds of math. This guy got
arrested in Fresno. A record breaking, sorry, a Fresno man
arrested in South Dakota. Twelve million dollars of two hundred
pounds of math. That's a lot that's methed up. It's
methed up. I'm telling you we got a lot more
on the way. Stick with us. I did not have
this fight on my Bengo card. Kaine Mulania versus Hunter,

(16:31):
who wins? Oh your bet?

Speaker 1 (16:34):
Fight is the fight whoever can smoke the most crack.
Because if that's the fight, I choose Hunter.

Speaker 2 (16:41):
I'm trying to understand any other fight I choose Milania. Okay,
So let me tell you the story, and then I'm
trying to wrap my head around understanding his motivation. So
he this is how it started. So it started with
him giving I think it was in a book. I
want to it was one of the Michael Wolfe's books

(17:02):
that he had made this claim and pulling yes, and
then Hunter Biden was repeating it. So the claim is
that that was made was that Milania Trump was introduced
to Donald Trump to Potis by Jeffrey Epstein. Right, that's
the claim, and she is not happy with it at all.

(17:26):
Understandably she's not happy with it. So the claim is
that that was made that he's repeating, is that she
was introduced to Trump by Epstein, right, And the first
lady responded with a big o'. She threatened assume for
a billion dollars if he did not retract what was

(17:49):
called the false intofamatory comments that he made regarding Epstein,
and she made this threat. This has all been happening
this week. He did. He said it twice. He said
it in an interview that was on YouTube. I don't
even know who this guy is. It was on YouTube
that weird you know, that weirdo guy where he was

(18:11):
sitting outside by the way. This was pointed out to me.
At one point, Hunter Biden was wearing a hat that
had three arrows on it, and apparently that is supposed
to it's adopted by the antifa fascists and they wear
this hat with three arrows because it's supposed to symbolize
the Iron resistance against Nazis. It's so stupid. It's what

(18:34):
happens when barely educated people try to appropriate history. So
she made he made this remark in a different interview
with this YouTube dude, and he had they they responded.
This was her statement. She said, giving your vast history
of trading on the names of others, including your surname,

(18:57):
who for your personal benefit, it is obvious that you
publish these false and defamatory statements about Missus Trump to
draw attention to yourself. She hired a pretty badass attorney,
Alejandro Brito, and he's apparently pretty aggressive. And they sent
this letter to Hunter Biden and Abbey Lowell and it

(19:18):
started making the rounds yesterday evening, and they told him
that they were going to assume him if he didn't
comply by August seventh, and then if they didn't, then
they're going to go after him for a billion dollars.
They said, you are on notice now, him saying that
the bar is really high for public figures. And I

(19:40):
will say a lot of times entities, particularly you know,
rat bastard entities that want to silence free speech and
they're terrified of people on the airwaves. They try to
engage in law fair that will one day come back
and bite them. They try to engage in lawfair all
the time like this, and the mark is high for
your public figure entity. You know, it's a very difficult

(20:01):
thing to litigate. And so and Jhian's showing you some
of that weird interview and if you can look at
his hat, if you can't get get a check out
his hat, because that's that hat that everybody was kind
of talking about. So with her, though, I feel like
this is because this is related specifically to a case,
a very a case of a very sensitive nature, a

(20:23):
case where there are a lot of victims. And what
he is claiming essentially is that she's she was a
prostitute for Epstein and that Trump hired her. That's what
he's claiming. And by making this remark, and now, what
do you think Country Biden said, after you say something
that is defamatory and false about someone that actually links

(20:45):
them to this ongoing investigation. He's not the smartest I mean,
he's not the brightest, uh brightest bulb in the box.
But how would you how would you respond? Because it's
it's not like the Trumps don't have the money to
do this. The Bidens don't. And I don't think he's
going to be able to get any sugar daddies anymore

(21:08):
to buy a spit art. I mean, he doesn't have
that access anymore as an insulation. So what he said
when he was asked if he would apologize to Milania
was this, well, I can't say the first word blank
that that's not going to happen. Oh my gosh, did
you censor the first part out? Did you do it? Okay?

(21:29):
All right, because he's so her Biden, you know, I mean,
it's every other word. Go ahead, sorry, go ahead and
play this.

Speaker 1 (21:35):
We're here.

Speaker 3 (21:36):
Maybe he gave you the platform to apologize to the
first lady for your statements that you made about her
possible connection to Jeffrey Epstein.

Speaker 2 (21:46):
Okay, that's not going to happen. Doesn't he sound like Joe?
He sounds like a higher pitched, more nasally Joe Biden.
He sounds like him.

Speaker 1 (21:57):
I wonder what the odds are of him actually apologies,
because right now, that's his fastest and cheapest way out
of this.

Speaker 2 (22:05):
Oh that's his super fast, cheap way out of this.
I so this is what is he trying to do?
He's because if because they will. They are litigious as
all get out. The Trump's are religious. I like that.
I like that in a person that gets bullied. So
if they go after him, all of this stuff is

(22:25):
going to be up for discovery. This is also kind
of a trap because then what they can do is
they can through discovery, they can drag all kinds of
stuff out of him. He is really stupid. Why would
you set yourself up for this? Because remember a lot
of the stuff, the the Paula Jones thing came out

(22:46):
of Whitewater that was never its own, separate thing that
was divulged and discovered during Whitewater for the Clintons. All
of this stuff this is this is the kind of
stuff that comes out looks like an ancillary issue and
then it ends up becoming as bigger, bigger than the
original issue being fought over. This is just wild. Though,
because I was thinking about this, I'm like, well, does

(23:07):
he not realize that, first off, that's incredibly expensive. He
does not have the money. I'm sorry to the Bidens.
They don't have the money for this. Joe's not in
the White House anymore. Nobody's pretending that Hunter Biden is
talented artists and buying his stuff. They're not doing this.
So what is his endgame here? He thinks that he's
going to get them on something, anything that was to

(23:28):
be gotten on them would have already been out. It's
already out. Meanwhile, Hunter Biden still probably has bodies in
the backyard. So what does he think he's going to
do here, because all of that is gonna Oh my gosh,
I would drag it out in discovery for so long
and then all of that stuff is public. So if
they start discovering stuff about Barisma or Seneca Falls, or

(23:55):
the deals with cobalt mines and Africa, are the business
deals that he made with these CCP business owners that
were giving him diamonds and all this stuff, All of
that is going to come out, and any attempt at
Joe Biden, which is pretty nil now, but any attempt

(24:16):
of him having any kind of legacy will be just
forever shattered. And not just for Joe Biden, but for
any of his kids and his grandkids. They're all going
to be tainted by this if it goes to that extent.
So it kind of seems like Hunter Biden's just this
ticking time bomb. He wants to blow up. He's mad
at the world because he's an entitled brat. He's a

(24:38):
fifty middle he's a fifty something year old brat. He's
almost sixty, and he's acting like this. By the way,
speaking to which his sister announced yesterday that apparently she
caught her husband cheating on her. Now with Hunter Biden's
predilection for swooping in Kane with these ladies, Yeah, I mean,

(25:03):
I'm just wondering, you know, I'm just that'd be dumb
enough to put it out there, right, I mean, yeah, yeah, yeah,
you know what I mean. Wink, you know what I mean,
Just wondering.

Speaker 3 (25:12):
Thanks for tuning in to today's edition of Dana Lash's
Absurd Truth podcast.

Speaker 1 (25:16):
If you haven't already, made sure to hit that subscribe
button on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, wherever you get your podcasts.