Chat with Sex Coach Casey Vaasjo

In this episode, host Skye welcomes special guest Casey Vaasjo, a trauma-informed somatic sex coach specializing in empowerment through sexuality and relationships. The conversation covers a range of topics including somatic healing, the nuances of kink and BDSM, and the importance of emotional safety and aftercare. Casey shares personal experiences and ther journey into exploring and coaching in the realms of kink, emphasizing curiosity, consent, and the role of vulnerability in building deep, trusting relationships.

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
Hi, pleasure seekers and kinky ones.

(00:01):
Welcome back to the Aftercare Podcast where we normalize the conversation around love, sex, kink, and everything in between.
I'm your host, Skye, and today we have a really special episode.
If you're watching from home, you see that this is not sunny.
This is the very special Casey Sjo all the way from Canada.

(00:23):
And Casey is a trauma-informed somatic coach specializing in empowerment within sexuality and relationships.
She is a former mediator and nonviolent communication trainer.
She's passionate about exploring the rich intersection between tantric principles and BDSM.
Casey's also a mother, a homesteader, bringing a grounded down to earth approach to both her work and her life.

(00:48):
And she's a very dear friend of mine.
So please welcome Casey to Aftercare.
Thank you, sky.
Yeah.
How does it feel to be here? Exciting, thrilling, lovely to be visiting you.
Mm-hmm.
It feels so warm and it feels, it feels so nice to have a friend here, but also somebody who we can just kind of go back and forth with so many of these deep principles, these fun, approachable principles, and then even share some of our own, our own ways that we play in this world.

(01:16):
So it's like a girly adult sleepover.
The only kind we wanna have, so before we dive into so many different, um, conversation topics and points that I really wanna talk about with you, I would really love for you to share or just open and share our origin story.
How did Sky and Casey meet on a shuttle in Central America? We did, um, yeah, we were on the same retreat, uh, hub.

(01:50):
Retreat with a hundred women learning about tantra and coaching in somatic practices.
And out of those a hundred people, um, on the very small shuttle from the airport, there was about 12 of us.
And, uh, I was chitty chatting with the woman across the aisle from me who also did sex work.
And you were like, hi guys.

(02:11):
This sounds like a good conversation.
You were sitting right beside behind her, and I'm pretty sure the three of us didn't stop talking for like many hours a week.
A week, a whole week.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And it was really neat at that retreat.
There's so many people, it was like a small village.
And it's interesting how you orbited the people that you orbited.
Mm-hmm.
And even by the end of the week, there was people who I was like, have you been here the whole time? Like, didn't even recognize 'em because their, their field just didn't overlap with my field.

(02:40):
Um.
Whereas, uh, you and I and a couple other people didn't get very far apart most of the week.
No, you were actually the first person to even talk to me.
Like even really before the shuttle at the airport in Liberia.
You said something to me.
I I was just this like, it was the first time I'd ever been out of the country by myself.
Really? Yeah.
So I didn't know that this was a very, like, very powerful trip for me.

(03:03):
Um, growing up in a very small state, Wyoming here, like traveling to Central America by myself to go to a coaching retreat with a hundred women I had never met.
To also possibly like get naked, scream, do sex magic.
It was just this like completely unheard of concept and I had no doubt in my mind I was gonna do it.

(03:23):
And you were the first person that actually talked to me at the airport and you said something really kind.
I think I asked where the cafe was and you told me where it was, and then we were on the same shuttle and then we were in each other's lives for the next week.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I remember like coming into the room and there was like maybe three people that I was always noting where they were sitting.
I was like, I'm gonna keep track of these girls.
Oh, it's so fun.
Yeah.

(03:43):
We would start our, like our rituals and our spaces off with dancing.
And you were always somebody I wanted to be around with dancing, and I always just wanted to make sure, like during some of those really intense breath work practices that you were also okay.
Mm-hmm.
Like I would always just kind of gauge where you were along with a handful of the other ladies just to know like where I'd be checking in at lunch and dinner and that space.

(04:07):
Mm-hmm.
So, yeah.
And then it was hard to leave.
And then it was hard to leave.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But I'm glad we.
We had a little break.
We didn't talk for a bit, and then we like came back around.
You did? Yeah.
And now you're here.
So I actually wanna ask one thing.
Um, oh, I wanna ask so many things.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But can you share one of your favorite rituals or practices that we did at that retreat? Ooh.

(04:32):
One of my favorite rituals or practices? Oh gosh.
There was so many.
Um, the one that's coming first to mind is, I don't think you were in my group for this, but it was, I don't know what she called it.
It was like a sisterhood, kind of priestess initiation.
Do you remember that one with the, were you there with the chocolate and the senses and that? I do.

(04:55):
It was like where we were, were we like Persephone, like meeting the underworld? Is that the one? And then we were being, was it there was two Es top? Yeah.
Yeah.
Okay.
Yeah.
So you started with stripping all the rituals.
Started with stripping, which is like.
That retreat had a beautiful way of being like the spiritual doesn't have to be exclusive playfulness.

(05:16):
And I think she was really trying to help us learn how to transition quickly from like, things can be really playful and really silly and really sultry, and then we can drop into a spiritual place very quickly from that, from that energy, not separate from that energy, which I really liked.
And I remember that ritual started with stripping.
Obviously you don't have to get totally naked if you don't want, but you're surrounded by four other women who are just like hooting and hollering and cheering you on and making you feel seen and celebrated and beautiful.

(05:44):
And the part about it that I really liked is when we laid down, a couple of the women were like, um, stimulating your senses, but then two of them were crawled right up to your ear, whispering compliments and admiration and celebration, um, like shallow to deep.

(06:04):
Because they were both saying them in your ear at the whole, at the same time, your brain didn't have that opportunity to be like, no, that's not true.
Oh, that's not me.
Is that you were just receiving so much sensory information that you couldn't like enact your resistance pattern and you eventually, like everyone who when they lay down within like three minutes, they were like.
Just like smiling from ear to ear because you couldn't push it away.

(06:27):
Yeah.
And I think that was really powerful for people.
Mm-hmm.
I was in that group with you.
Were you? I was in that group with you.
You and I were up.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And Cali.
Yep.
And Cali.
It was a good group.
And then we stood up at the end and you had to like make a proclamation about your, your mission or your purpose or your service.
Why you're in the underworld, why are you here? Am I here to do? Yeah.
And you had to make four of them.

(06:49):
It wasn't just like a one.
You had to like say, why am I here, sister? Yeah.
And the next, why am I here? And it was different.
And so you had to like really root down of like, why am I here? And it was stripping and it was literally taking off the mask.
I'm getting goosebumps just talking about it.
It was so powerful.
My little feet just got so sweaty.
I remember at that retreat, day one, I remember leaning over to like the.

(07:11):
Woman beside me.
And I was like, this is the witchiest shit I've ever seen.
And then by day five I was like, yeah, that was nothing.
I'm a witch.
Oh, it was so good.
One of my, um, one of my big edges for that retreat was actually one of the last closing rituals, um, where it was like the pussy talk.

(07:31):
And so, um, the, the receiver strips all the way down again, and there's four people and one person looks you straight into the, and you sit almost, almost similar to like how you sit in a gynecologist.
It did remind me of that space.
And so it got to kind of, it brought up some of that trauma.
And then I also got to rewrite that.

(07:53):
And the, the first, the person who was giving stared you in the eyes for a good minute.
And that was a, a space like holding this like kind, intense, loving gaze.
Well, your pussy was, you're completely revealed to them.
Yeah.
And you got to feel in your body the whole time how much your pattern is to.
Close that down.
Close it down.
Even my belly, that's not safe.
Like having your belly exposed, like you're, you're just, you are in a submissive space with women that you kind of know.

(08:20):
Mm-hmm.
Um, and I have a lot of like pussy shame and so to, with, with five women telling me everything that they loved, not only about my pussy, but pussy in general and thanking pussy.
Oh, it was, it was an edge play for sure, for me.
And then I walked away and I was like, oh, pussy's good.
She feels so loved, pussy's, so loved.

(08:41):
And I had the, I had an extra edge in that session because I was menstruating Oh.
And so near the end of the retreat.
So all the things that we were doing with nudity and stuff, I was like, oh, do I wear a tampon? Do I not like trying to navigate that, like, what feels most true for me? And I decided for that to not, and I was like, okay, I'm just gonna like challenge myself to this.

(09:03):
And then someone else in our group.
Was also, but I didn't know until I came and like looked them in the eye and like gave their pushy the worship and saw the little like trickle of blood.
And I was just like, yes.
Like you're owning this.
You like fuck all of these stories about that.
We should be ashamed of that.
I, yeah.
See I love you.
It was like so heart opening for me and, and like such a powerful way to just feel like, yeah, there's nothing wrong with me.

(09:30):
There's nothing I need to hide.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, that made me wanna cry.
It's good.
So that's our foundation.
That is how we met.
That is a space with which we first engaged.
So it's a good one and it's a powerful one.
And it was one of the first spaces I ever did as a solo woman.
So, and now I feel, and I feel like we both have.

(09:50):
Such an affinity in the kink and BDSM world that it's hard to find spaces that you can fully talk about that.
Yeah.
And the whole like realm of it and have someone be able to meet you and celebrate you and be like, yeah, I get why that's amazing.
Da da da.
And so then we were able to like really build off that.
It was really cool.
Yeah.
Even within my own like.

(10:11):
Even my own deep friend groups, I can't fully share a lot of my own kinks and my own curiosities at times without feeling like maybe I shouldn't have shared that.
I think that's a bit too much.
Yeah.
And I, I'm at this point that it's not too much anymore.
It's so much, and I'm finding the right people that wanna hold that so much as it's oozing out and you're just like, yes.
So thank you for always celebrating my kinks and my curiosities and my body and my pussy, and I'll always do that for you.

(10:36):
Likewise.
Yeah.
Uh, all right.
I wanna dive into getting to know you and kind of your coaching container a little bit more as well.
So you and I are very similar in the sense that we're like this medial woman.
We walk in between a lot of worlds, um, with you as a mother and a homesteader and also this world of like tantric practices and your own play and practice in kink and b DiUS, um, and stepping into a coaching container, like that's a lot of, of space you're playing in.

(11:03):
It's a lot.
It's a lot of pieces that I'm trying to weave, right? Yeah.
Um, and I would love to know like.
Can you share how this began for you? This, this world in somatic healing with the coaching container that you have from all of your experience? Oh my gosh.
Where it started? Yeah.
Where did it start for you? Why, why the intersection of kink and BDSM and coaching? It started in a deep grief, honestly.

(11:28):
Yeah.
Okay.
Uh, a lot of searching for a long, long time.
A lot of like seeking meaning, seeking growth and not really finding the path for it.
Okay.
Um, as most of us know, a lot of like struggle with being a woman and feeling small and being invalidated and being like, I'm, I'm tired of this and I can't change the whole system.

(11:51):
So like, what can I, where can I take some of that power back? And I think the grief of just like being slapped in the face with the consequences over and over of running my unconscious patterning.
Mm.
And how much hurt that was creating for me and for other people.

(12:12):
Yeah.
Um, to like the breaking point of like having an infant son and just being like, I can't do this anymore.
I know it's a lot.
And now, and now we're almost like the, the universe is kind of like forcing your hand.
We continue to do these patterns and run you on empty, you're already on empty, so how do we run you even further than that? Mm-hmm.
Or do, do you now get to be empowered and say, full stop.

(12:33):
Mm-hmm.
Full stop.
And I didn't know the path, but I was kind of intuitively doing it.
And then, and then I'll close this gap in a second, but once I started the coaching program and she told us like, these are the stages that you'll take your client through in their own transformation.
I was like, oh, that's what I was doing.
I did that, but I just didn't know it.
And I was alone.

(12:54):
And I remember the moment, you know, I had a very challenging sexual relationship with the father of my son right from the beginning.
And it was in my patterning to continue to just work really hard for someone to love me and meet me.
And if they weren't, it means I needed to try harder to prove that I was worthy of it and to earn it.

(13:15):
God, that's so familiar.
And I'm so, there's so much work.
It's so a work.
It's so much work.
And like trying to just give more and give more and like be the one holding their heart open and just never being met and then being convinced that I was a problem and I was so ready to hear the ways in which I was the problem.
Right.
But I wasn't being met in that.
Um, and then I remember after separating from him, not like dating or anything for a while.

(13:38):
And then, um, I remember the first time that my body kind of came online again.
Ooh.
And I was.
I was like, oh my God, I feel turned on and I didn't have to do anything.
And I was so excited and I like went home and I was like, oh my God, oh my God, my body, it feels good.

(14:00):
Holy smokes.
I'm alive.
And from that moment, I, I made the commitment to myself, I will never lose this again.
Like whatever relationships, whatever encounters I engage in, I, I will attune to this and not let it get lost.
So acknowledging when your body was on, when you're alive and how exciting that was, how overwhelming, I'm sure that also can feel.
Mm-hmm.

(14:20):
And then you're like, this is mine and I'm not gonna let somebody, I'm, I'm not gonna lose this again for whatever reason.
This is mine now.
And I started recognizing like, turn on and arousal and pleasure as life force, as authorship.
Like if you're following that Yes.
Where your body lights up, you, you have agency over your own course.
Yeah.
If you're ne, if you're not following that.

(14:42):
If you're not attuned to that, then you're gonna be subject to everyone else's Yes.
And not your own.
Yes.
And those yeses can sound like your yeses sometimes.
That's what's really confusing.
Yes.
About somebody else's yeses.
And a little bit later I want to talk about yeses and nos and consent because it's, it's the base foundation for so many of these things, including a coaching container.

(15:03):
But Tantra and BDSM and even sex love, relationship, friendships, like consent is this, like, it's the foundation and it's almost a taboo word.
Consent, consent.
Consent is almost a taboo word of we don't teach it on our schools, our parents don't teach it.
Um, I've even asked our own pages of like, do you think children should be taught consent? And I'm not even talking sexual consent.

(15:26):
Right.
I'm talking consent of like, I have my toy.
I don't wanna share this toy.
Can you have it? No.
No.
And, and there's a lot of people that don't believe that consent should be taught.
And it's been, it's been an experience with me, with my, with the grandparents.
Yeah.
Which they've done very well, but it's like, you know, gave grandpa a hug and it's like, he doesn't want to, he doesn't want to.

(15:47):
And they're like, well, he should.
And it's like, no, let's have a conversation around this.
Well, we're not even asking either.
That's, it's just like this.
No, you give me the hug.
Mm-hmm.
And then you just, you give hugs when at, at four you never wanted to give hugs.
And how do you get out of that? Yeah.
You're doing something for approval that you never wanted to do.
Yeah.
And that's embedded deep in most of our patterns.

(16:09):
So then when I saw.
Um, I was just like on social media one day and I saw this beautiful photo of a woman tied in ChAARI with her hands behind her back, and like dried flowers, like tucked all into the ropes and it was like a really beautiful image.
And I was like, oh, there's that.
Yes.
Why do I like this so much? What's going on here? I never encountered any, like, never encountered being tied up, never encountered rope before, anything.

(16:37):
And I was like, okay, this, yes, in me goes beyond just what I've seen as like a standard monogamous, heterosexual partnership.
Like there's something going on here that's more alive.
And so I started looking for the spaces where I could explore that more.
Yeah.
I love that.
And that was sort of the beginning of the journey of like, who knows more about this than me? Let's go find them.

(16:59):
Yeah.
Find the source.
Yeah.
And, and your pussy and that turn on is what's guiding you.
And for a long time, it took me a, it took me a very long time to even find my, yes.
Um, probably until two years ago, I didn't have my, yes.
I thought I had some yeses and now I had to rewrite and look back on my own timeline of like, were these actually my yeses? Mm-hmm.

(17:23):
Or did I not have a voice? Or was I so scared of conflict that I couldn't say no? And we have this idea of what conflict always has to be.
And so I, I would love to hear more about like your nonviolent communication and trauma training in that and how you have mediated spaces for, for people specifically scared of what conflict and what that no means for them.

(17:45):
Hmm.
Yeah.
I mean, some people, people are so afraid of having a no equaling.
Rejection.
Right.
And sometimes it does.
Yeah.
And I think that it's important to like build the strength in ourself.
It's all, it's all like inner worthiness building, right? Because if you're, if you know yourself, if you're solid in yourself, you can receive a no, you can, you can hear someone else's perspective and stand in it and help them make it make sense without it erasing you because you've got you, right? Yeah.

(18:16):
And I think that the in conflict, the space between people get so loaded with tension and fear that we just all, we just both stay in our own little holes and somehow we think by staying locked into our own little hole, something will change or get better and it doesn't.

(18:36):
It's a good hole sometimes, but Yeah.
And I mean, you're entitled to stay in that hole if you want to, but that, that's not part of the equation of repair.
Right.
So you get what you get.
Mm.
You get what you get.
Uh, we get so many people, so many people, um, because our, our whole brand is approachable kink of like, I, I wanna share this with my partner, but I'm scared to, and this is where I really step in and I say, let's be curious to this.

(19:03):
Let's be curious to all of these feelings.
I love your, that's your brand motto.
Like stay curious, stay curious.
It's the same in conflict.
It's the same in personal growth.
It's the same in sexuality.
It's like, how do you stay curious? Because I think the opposite of curiosity is fear and shame.
I think it's fear and shame.
Yeah.
Shame cannot live where curiosity flourishes.
That's right.
Yeah.
So if you can, even if you're like buckling down, even if you're in that hole, like can you ask yourself one question about.

(19:30):
What's outside of that hole? Like how could that thing feel good? How does that person make sense? Yeah.
Oh, and so much of that too.
I wanna circle back to like this fear of rejection and creating that security in our own self-worth of if it is a rejection.
It's also okay, I can now explore that myself.
Then a no doesn't necessarily mean it's a no for you as well.

(19:54):
Mm-hmm.
If it's a no from your partner, it's a no.
We respect that.
We don't try to coerce, we don't try to convince we, we can inspire our partners to take an interest in our curiosities, but at the end of the day, if it's a no for them, we respect that.
But that does not mean that we have to shut our yes down and we can find ways within ourselves and in our dynamics to explore what that yes looks like.

(20:16):
Mm-hmm.
Especially with a big one that I think of is, is men wanting to explore anal, anal play.
Um, and that can be as simple as like a prostate massage or as far as pegging and there, there's so much shame and stigma around that.
And it, it can feel so hard to, how do I approach my partner with all of this? My partner's gonna think I'm gay.

(20:38):
Like this label is such a, a weapon used against us.
When I really have them step back and say, okay, let's prepare, then let's really dive into what do we wanna explore about this? Have you explored at all? Because if I, if somebody's coming with me to me and they're like, I have a huge interest in anal play.
Okay, have you explored it or are we exploring it together? Mm-hmm.

(20:59):
And so trying to really break that down.
So be curious and that like distills down to that self-empowerment piece.
Like are you.
Have you found your own empowerment about this thing that you wanna try? Yeah.
Mm.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Coming to your partner with, I have, I'm so curious about this.
I saw this, I have done my own self-exploration.
Can I share it with you? Mm-hmm.

(21:19):
And giving space, yes or no, giving time.
Circling back is a really big thing.
Like if somebody's like, no, I need, I need a little bit of time.
You're empowered then at that point, of course, give time and space, but set a reminder to circle back.
That's right.
So you're not just stuck in this.
Be accountable to that.
Yeah.
Be accountable to it because your partner, it might not be as important to your partner, but it's really important to you and you are important to your partner.

(21:42):
Even if that act isn't you should be very important to your partner.
Exactly.
That is such a good one.
You are important to your partner.
Think.
Yeah.
Think and your curiosities are important.
In the spirit of staying curious, in exploring kinks or fantasies or fetishes and exploring conflict and healthy relationship, building a really important question to like keep asking yourself.

(22:05):
It's like, what am I making this mean? Mmm.
When someone behaves a certain way or when you receive a no, or when your partner isn't as enthusiastic as you want them to be, what are you making that mean? Because you're probably making it mean a lot more than it does.
Yeah.
Ooh.
And that, oh, that like makes me think of a practice when if, if Sunny says something to me and I get like a little, my emotion jumps, we will say, what did you hear? That's right.

(22:32):
What did, what did you hear? Just now? Perfect.
Let's rewrite, or let's tell that story then.
'cause this is what I actually said.
Yeah, that's what my body is saying.
How can I say that then without all of these protectors possibly coming up? Or how do I greet these protectors in a way that can calm them down? And I would say that that's like.
Not being in the holes that's working with the field, that's being like courageous enough to come into the relational field.

(22:57):
That's between you, and that's what empathic listening is all about as well.
It's like I'm, I'm sending this message and you might be making it mean something, but you're not necessarily aware of that.
And I feel like that's the practice, that's where that practice of mirroring comes in as really valuable.
It's like, this is what I said, but what did you hear? And if that's what you heard, let me acknowledge that.
That's probably painful or hurtful or Yeah, if you heard that, then your reaction makes sense.

(23:22):
But let me actually try to communicate again what I, what I intended for you to hear.
Yeah.
Because it might be something very different and then you can kind of like use that feedback to tailor the message so that it actually lands.
Yeah, because like communication is not just listening and it's not just speaking, it's comprehension.
It is a message I'm trying to send to you actually getting across.

(23:44):
Yeah.
Mm mm And in coaching containers, it's so big, and especially in like kink and BDSM and even exploring like open relationships.
Like it's so important to know your partner, know how your partner reacts to certain, because we, we need to know our audience before we just drop balls, is what I'm gonna, or drop bombs almost is what I'm gonna say is we have, we have so many people that wanna explore, like threesomes and foursomes and open relationships and swinging, and they've never brought it up to their partner in the 10 years that they've been together, right? Mm.

(24:15):
So that can be considered a really big thing, but you were just waiting for 10 years until you felt safe enough to bring up this desire that you had on day one.
And we have to figure out how do we approach that with our partners so that all of these other voices and our partners can feel heard and seen of, okay, after 10 years, you wanna open up this relationship.
Am I not good enough? Mm-hmm.

(24:35):
Am I not meeting your needs? Mm.
And, and being able to hear and hold those spaces for, for each other.
I, I have a phrase that.
Really like strikes in my heart, which is like, for me, love is being witnessed.
And so if you're bringing up something difficult, like something you wanna try that's maybe you know outside the norm with your partner and they're reacting to it, it's like, well, you're looking for the love of being witnessed in what you're wanting to share.

(25:03):
And they're looking for the love of being witnessed in how hard that is for them to hear.
And so that is a very skillful place that you can build a lot of intimacy if neither of you're shutting down and there's so much power and vulnerability and there's so much power in saying, thank you for making me feel safe enough to share this with you.
This feels a little scary but exciting.

(25:24):
This is something that I am curious about.
And look how sweet you are when you say that.
It's like, who could say no to that? Oh, and I'm so excited.
It might be the most, you're like just a little trembling heart.
Yeah.
I want every whole stuff, but Exactly.
So yeah, speaking of which, speaking of which.

(25:46):
Um, okay.
I actually wanna circle back on empowerment based.
We talk about empowerment based coaching.
Okay.
Um, what does that mean to you, especially in the world of like BDSM empower play? What does, what does empowerment mean? Mm mm Whew.
In the world of BDSM and power and power play.
Yeah.
I think empowerment is, you have to come me in with a lot of self-awareness of what's going on for you.

(26:12):
Why are you there? What's your pattern? If you're doing power exchange, why do you wanna take power? Why do you wanna give it away? Yeah.
And what does that mean for you to be in that space? Um, I think the, the going in blind is a little bit where, where we can get into issues.

(26:33):
Um, and sometimes there's like, like you said, there's a lot of protectors between you where you.
Start and what it would look like if you were being really honest with yourself.
So I think that's part of the, the empowerment journey, is just knowing that you have yourself, your home in yourself, and you know what you want.
Mm, yeah.

(26:54):
Yeah.
And I, that can be really hard for, for a lot of humans who don't know what they want.
That's right.
And so how can you describe these like yeses then? This Yes.
In your body that we talked about earlier.
Mm-hmm.
What does that feel like? Mm, yes.
What does that feel like to be turned on and to be a full body? Fuck? Yes.
Mm.

(27:15):
That's like a place that I try to help my clients find themselves.
'cause it's a little bit different for everyone.
But for me, I'm always asking pussy like, do you like this? Do you want this? What should we do? And so me, for me, it's like an energy sort of, um, birthed from the root and from the, um.

(27:37):
Kind of from the womb, and it's just like a waking up, it's aliveness, like it's energy moving.
Right? We love to use all these like fancy terms, but essentially like orgasm and aeros and pleasure.
And all of these things are energy that can move.
Mm.
And when we're stuck in pattern and when we're stuck in contraction and when we're stuck in fear, everything clamps down.

(28:00):
Yeah.
And nothing's moving is tight.
So when I look for that, yes.
I look for the like, like a flower opening, like a blossoming, like a leaning back, like a starting to feel like those tingles or those, those flows of energy through the body.
Yeah.
That's for me.
What, what feels like a Yes.
It's interesting, like the way I, I work a lot with the nervous system in my coaching and I, um, use BDSM as a way to get really playful with my own nervous system.

(28:31):
Okay.
And explore its edges.
And what I'm making those edges mean kind of taking back control in those spaces.
And where was I going with this? No, I just totally lost my train of thought.
Your edges, where you're going.
Um, the feeling of pleasure, your yeses and Yes.
And the energy moving and the DVA system.

(28:53):
No, it's gone Edge play was like, no, thank you.
Yeah.
Actually no, you're not gonna have that thought.
Oh, what was it? That's so annoying.
That's okay.
We'll grab it.
You'll grab it.
It'll be there.
Sometime I'll, I'll connect the dots at so point and you, you'll be like, oh, you'll call me in the middle of the night.
Right, right, right.
Like, I had this thing.
Oh, that was that thing.
Exactly.

(29:13):
Okay.
So I would love to, if you're open to sharing, um, do you have, do you have a preferred role in a power dynamic with a partner? I am completely submissive.
Mm.
Yeah.
And you're so powerful and you're so like high functioning in this, in this world.
And when I first met you, like, I would not have guessed that you were submissive.

(29:38):
Right.
And I think a lot of, a lot of women tend to lean that way.
We have to.
Right.
And so what is, what did your, your journey into submissive or submission look like for you? Hmm.
Um, I think the only spaces that I enjoy being dominant are because I enjoy.

(30:00):
Submission when it feels safe for me so much that I enjoy giving other wom women that experience.
Okay.
And I know how to be a safe holder and I know how to be a safe container.
Um, and I know how to push edges.
So I have, for me, dominance with other women is very playful and very exploratory and very like, expansive.
Yeah.
But it's not necessarily a place that turns me on.

(30:23):
So when I engage in that way with a woman, when we talk about our boundaries at the beginning, I'll say, this is going to be very physically intimate.
It may feel sexually intimate for you, and it's not a sexually intimate space for me.
Yeah.
So just so we know what we're both getting into.
Mm, that's very familiar.
Very similar.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Um, and.

(30:45):
The way that I Dom women is very similar in the same space of like, we're exploring, we're curious.
It's playful and it's almost a worship.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Of, yeah.
It's like, I'm gonna actually build you up.
I'm gonna make you feel so safe in this container to submit, but I'm worshiping your body as well, so you get to feel what it feels like to be safely held and empowered.
And that full package so that they can take that, that little package of, of dominance as a reference point when they're looking for a safe partner to, to play with and go even deeper with.

(31:16):
I think a, a safe reference point is so important in this world that can be so hard to enter.
'cause there's so many ways to enter BDSM and kink and there's, there's right ways, there's wrong ways.
There's, the great thing about kink is you get to make it your own as long as it's honoring your Yes.
And everyone is consenting to the acts in it and knowing that kink is inherently full of risks.

(31:37):
Yes.
And it's kind of why we love it.
Kind of why we love it.
Yeah.
We don't wanna normalize kink necessarily.
We're a bunch of kinky weirdos, but we wanna normalize the conversation around it.
And I love that you can enter a space with women and, and be a top for them.
Mm-hmm.
And really separate that this may be sexual for you and I want you to have whatever experience that it is.

(31:59):
But for me, this is a space holding.
It's not gonna go any further.
There's no pressure to let it go any further than the container we've negotiated.
It's a gift that I'm giving you, but you're also giving the gift to me of giving me that trust.
So yeah, I would say my style of of being a dominant is less about worship and more about like perfecting the nuance of how we communicate trust and holding so that that other person can completely come apart.

(32:29):
That's what I like to give them, where they're just like, what the fuck just happened? Because that's what I like.
Right? I like that.
I'm always looking for those little ways that trust and holding and safety is being communicated so that I can like melt into them.
Yeah, and I think you asked like.
Where did that start or Yeah, your start into BDSM and kink.

(32:54):
Do you remember your origin? Yeah, so when I, well, looking at those photos of Ari and then my girlfriend was like, I can teach you a little bit about Jabari.
And I was like, okay.
And so we were just doing this like educationally, but it was the first time I had ropes on me.
It was the first time I'd been bound.
And I was really lucky to be able to do that with a friend in more of a playful educational space and not a erotically charged space.
Um, so I kind of like got a handle on it.

(33:15):
And then of course I started asking more questions and like looking out more pictures and, you know, seeing like cuffs hanging on a wall or a St.
Andrew's cross and being like, why do I want this? What's happening to me? And I remember her and I were, um, we planned to go, she took me to my first sex party.
Okay.
And I'd never been to one before and it was.

(33:36):
Big, but it was quite well done.
It was, it was quite safe, uh, quite a safe place.
And we were talking about it and we were cooking in the kitchen ones, and we were talking about it.
And I, like, she mentioned something about a St.
Andrew's cross, and I just like knocked four balls off the table.
And I was like, oh, goodness.
Was just like, yeah.
I was like, maybe there'll be one there.

(33:57):
There wasn't.
But um, what's interesting is like being someone in that world, like I don't have sex at sex parties.
I'm very, um, I wouldn't say cautious, but I'm very selective mm-hmm.
About where I will open that much of myself up to.
But I loved being in the space.
I loved being in a social gathering where sex wasn't excluded.

(34:18):
I loved being able to wear whatever the heck I wanted.
Yeah.
And be playful and be flirtatious and like find where my edges are and figure out what I wanted.
And I remember going down to the basement in this party and there was a man there, um, who, who kind of had like a bit of a dungeon set up and.
It was, he was running these, um, Sian machines.

(34:41):
Okay.
And he'd been doing it for a long time.
And I just stood back and watched because like, this man knew how to work this machine and knew how to read any woman who was getting on its body language so that he could like, give them a very powerful orgasm.
And it was, I talked to him after and it was interesting, like he, he would, he was just reading their body language, like a book, like whether they wanted presence from him or whether he could back off or, you know, whether maybe at some point he was gonna like.

(35:12):
Suggest a gag for them or like hold their hair or like hold their arms behind their back or just like let them ride.
He knew what like leaning forward meant.
He and I was just watching him like work their body like a puppet.
Mm.
And I was like, I want someone to see me like that.
Yeah.
I want someone to be invested in my pleasure like that.
And not because he is doing a thing at a party because, but because it's me.
Yeah.

(35:33):
It's my body.
Yeah.
This human knows me so well.
Yeah.
That they can guide this whole, it's like a carnival ride.
And I think that's where like the biggest explosion of what my kinks actually are is when I found a person that I could do that with.
It was like the walls came down and I was, became interested in trying things and going to edges and being taken to extreme places that I maybe wouldn't have been excited about trying had I never met someone that I felt could take me there.

(36:00):
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's a good story.
Yeah.
You watched a Ian man just controlling.
Oh, I love that.
What a fun little room you walked into.
What a fun little room.
And then I was like, what is this arm binder? What is this latex? What does this toy do? Mm.
Like tell me everything.
Um, are there any kinks that you have specifically that you would like to share? That I would like to share? Yeah.

(36:23):
I mean, who's asking? Um, um, I would say my power play is my, like, number one Okay thing.
I love giving away control and trusting someone enough to hold it and sort of whatever comes out of that is, is a bonus.
Um, but I love latex.

(36:44):
I love, um.
Bondage, restriction, cuffs, gags, hoods, all that, all that kind.
Um, I think we have in this common, but an oral fixation.
This is a new one for me, but yeah.
As soon as you put something in my mouth, my whole body is like, yep.
It, it's very, it's, it's a way of being, another way of being invaded.

(37:07):
And, you know, maybe you have a cock in your mouth, but it could be a gag, it could be fingers, it could be anything, but it's like, it's, it's a deeper level of taking control.
Absolutely.
Um, I like a little bit of impact, but my pain tolerance is low.
Okay.
I'm not a masochist.
Um, but I do like the vulnerability of it, especially if my hands are tied over my head.

(37:32):
Okay.
Just that exposure.
Ooh, the like, yeah.
Mm.
Falling into it.
Yeah.
Just being in that, like being held, you know? Um.
In in that very exposed position.
Yeah, I really like, and I also really like breath play.
We love breath play.
We don't talk about breath play very much, but we love breath play.

(37:55):
Mm.
Yeah.
It's a risky one, but, um, it's really fun.
Yeah.
So we like edges.
I like Yeah.
Yeah.
I like edges.
Edges.
Edge play is so interesting because if you think about edge play, like I think life is such an edge play just in itself of like, where can I meet, meet my own boundaries? Where can I meet myself? Where am I meeting my partner? And then obviously dropping into really intense edge play into kink.

(38:19):
But when I started to learn what edge play was, I started to see edges everywhere I was at.
And I was like, what is my hard limit to myself even of how close do I wanna get to this edge, whether that is going to Costa Rica and like that was an edge play for me, right? And how much do I wanna put out there with women? I have such a sisterhood edge.

(38:39):
Mm-hmm.
That, how, how much do I wanna try with, with a new female to be a friend kind of thing.
I think you're the edge edges are.
Indicative of our growth points.
Yeah.
Right.
That is the e the edge of the known, the edge of the comfort zone, so to speak.
And beyond the comfort zone is the stretch zone where we learn and where we can integrate and expand beyond that is the fear zone.

(39:03):
We don't want to go there because we can't learn in that place and we can't heal in that place.
So we can't push ourself too hard, or we're actually giving ourselves the opposite experience that we want.
But I think that, um, I am just someone who's like wired for growth and I think that's why I love coaching and I love supporting people in growth and I love holding them in that stretch zone and letting them integrate what it feels like to be there so their comfort zone can expand.

(39:26):
And those edges can kind of expand a little bit knowing those edges expand.
Exactly.
And then in BDSM is a place where I get to really take that to a very intense level.
Yeah.
And I get to play with, wow, look at my, how my nervous system is like afraid, or if it wants to run or if it wants to shut down, or if it wants to resist.
And it's like.
But I'm safe.

(39:46):
And I think that's a big misconception about BDSM is that it's not safe.
And the point is that you, you can only do those things that seem so risky and so dangerous and so, um, like giving up of control because you've built a container that is safe enough to hold it.
And I think in a lot of relationships, the container isn't that safe to hold very much.

(40:12):
Yeah.
It can't maybe hold difficult conversations or it can't hold fantasies or it can't hold one person taking a bit of independence.
The container that we're used to building and are like, I'd say average.
It's not a very safe container.
So of course you can't imagine doing edge play or being tied up or, um, being slapped or something and have that actually feel good and safe because you, you don't know what that, the safety of that container feels like.

(40:39):
Yeah.
'cause we don't have foundational safety at all.
Most, mostly, no.
Yeah.
Right.
Uh, that kinda leads me into my next, my next little topic is like finding a kinky girl.
I, I get the question all the time of how do I find a kinky girl like you, like Sonny just walked through the woods and picked me.
Like a little mushroom, like you came pre-made.

(40:59):
Yeah.
Like I can, and I love that idea that that's, it's cute, but also it's not true.
Um, because prior to Sunny, I was not kinky at all.
Um, I was not safe enough to explore that.
I was, my, my master papers were being broken.
I was being called a cheater for self pleasuring.
Like I, I was, I was very, very repressed.

(41:20):
And when Sonny and I met each other, we became best friends.
That's our foundation is we became best friends.
And then from there we created that curiosity container and that curiosity.
We didn't have a lot of experience in any of the stuff.
And so that can feel a little scary at times, but we were curious enough and we were safe enough to speak up so that we could learn and we could grow.

(41:42):
Mm-hmm.
And so the, the, the Kinky girl was created from safety and from.
Curiosity and from celebration as well.
Mm.
Like when I would have a multi orgasm or when we started pegging and he had these explosive, explosive climaxes, all of a sudden I would just, it was celebration.

(42:02):
There was no shame.
There was no shame in this container.
And even when we were learning and things got painful or messy, there was no shame in that because we're, we're learning how to create whatever it looks like for us to be safe in those guidelines for it.
The answer to like, where do I find a kinky girl is you will find her as soon as you learn how to make your woman feel emotionally safe.

(42:24):
Mm-hmm.
You'll find her as soon as she's safe.
So the path is to, to learn how to be an emotionally safe person.
Yeah.
And you'll be shocked at the doors that will open.
What does emotionally safe person look like for you? That I can be as I am and not be told that I'm wrong and.

(42:48):
That I feel seen and that I feel heard, and that if I say I don't feel seen right now, then the question isn't, well that's because you blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Oh, the question is, well how do we fix that? How can I see you? Yeah.
It's not, it's not expecting you to have the all the answers.
It's expecting you to have questions, being curious, open ended questions.
Yes, exactly.

(43:09):
What does that mean for you? What would that look like for you? If I could say the perfect thing, what would that sound like? And the reason why we can't be emotionally safe people for others is because of our own patterns.
'cause our own triggers get in the way of like, oh, if she doesn't feel safe, then I'm failing.
Or you know, if he.

(43:30):
Is distancing, then he doesn't love me.
And like all of these things that we're making things mean from our own triggers, which just seals us all the way back to the coaching work of like, how do you become self-empowered in yourself so that the spaces that you wanna inhabit either sexually, romantically, in kink can expand.
Okay.

(43:50):
And you can meet your partners in that really deep place.
Mm-hmm.
If you had somebody come to you and say, I am a dominant and I wanna explore my dominance further, um, no, I'm gonna back up.
If you had somebody that came to you and said, I wanna explore power play.
I don't even know where to get started, but I think I am dominant.
Mm-hmm.
Is there any advice that you would give them? Or where would you even start? Somebody who's trying to step into a dominant or a top role? I would say what does dominance mean for you? Yeah.

(44:18):
Define it.
Why do you wanna be dominant? What do you think that you're gonna get out of that? Yeah.
Because that power play, I would say.
Without some real self-reflection is often flipped on its head.
'cause the dominant, someone comes in, oh, I wanna be dominant.
It's like, yeah, but do you want, do you just not want someone to talk back to you and get to do whatever you want? 'cause I wanna control them.
'cause they want common because that's not dominance Common.

(44:39):
Yeah.
Dominance is getting under someone and elevating their experience because you've taken over the decision making and you've taken responsibility and leadership of the space.
You're in charge of where everyone's attention is.
And you need to be communicating that to the submissive at all times.
It's not about you.
It's not about you.
Both people's attention should be on the submissive experience and that's what's turning them both on.

(45:01):
And it's a lot of work.
It's a lot, it's a lot of work.
And it's a, it's a, it's a big container to hold, a very deep honor.
And if you can do that well then you get.
You get the trust built from that submissive that you can start to do whatever you want because they, um, they trust that you know them and you know what they want and you know where their edges are and they trust you to hold them at their edges without going over.

(45:27):
Or if you do go over, you trust them to repair and do the aftercare of bringing them back.
Oh.
Mm.
And the aftercare of bringing them back, like, do you have any somatic tools or ideas that you have put into practice of how do you, how do you get somebody back into their body after a really intense scene to be even in a present aftercare space with somebody? Mm.

(45:49):
Yeah.
To like, being in your body means not being in your mind, right? So sensation, your senses are the access point to that.
It's like, what do you feel? Where do you feel it? What can you hear? Sometimes I'll ask someone like, what's the closest thing that you can hear right now? Like, what is the closest thing you can hear? That fan.

(46:09):
Yeah, I think it's the fan.
What's the furthest away thing that you can hear? You're not in your mind when you're asking yourself that question.
It's like, what temperature are your toes? Yeah.
It's like you're not in your mind when you're looking at your toes, like, where do you feel contraction? Can, can you soften your belly right now? Like Yeah.
If I ask you that, if I ask myself that, I'm like, oh yeah, I'm holding my belly.
Can you soften your jaw? Oh yeah, I'm holding my jaw.

(46:32):
It's like bringing 'em back into their body.
And then, you know, as you know, aftercare is usually pre-negotiated, so you, you know, what they need to feel nourished and brought back.
Um, the baseline probably being a lot of holding.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But yeah, coming back into the body, coming back into that, into that, that safe place and be, and, and being seen and in that space.

(47:00):
Yeah.
Being seen, being witnessed.
It's everything.
Oh, on the note of aftercare, um, I didn't realize when we stepped into, into the world of just like online even content creation, not even kink and BDSM yet, how special our aftercare was, just in the sense of that we have it.

(47:25):
And, and Sunny a do that I learned from is like aftercare is not separate from the scene.
Yeah.
It's not a thing that you do after.
It is part of the whole experience.
And if you don't have aftercare, you don't have a scene.
You don't have a scene.
And I didn't realize how much I was lacking of aftercare until I met Sonny who gave me aftercare just with our vanilla sex event where he would stay in just a little bit longer and just hold me.

(47:52):
I love the debrief.
Bring me back in the, oh man, we love to talk.
We're talkers and so coming back in and giggling and our thing is, we'll say hi.
Like are, have you, have you landed? I'm back.
Hi.
Hi.
And then immediately we'll go into, that was a, like, that felt so good.
Do you remember when and what was the best part? What didn't work for you? What could have been better? And even for people who get really nervous with like chat, because debriefing can sound like a scary thing.

(48:18):
Okay, now we're gonna run the tapes kind of thing.
And it's like, no, we're just gonna, do you remember that moment? And just really sitting in that like ice cream, soft serve, ice cream feeling of each other.
And even if you're kind of messy and there's your hair's a mess and there's, you're oozing out, like it's a really special space to be in.
And even if it's just 30 seconds or a minute of just holding each other before you separate that energy and run to the bathroom to clean up because, well, that's just the thing to come back thing.

(48:48):
If you're someone who's like, oh, who's like recoiling at that idea and is like, no, no, I gotta get in the shower as soon as possible.
Mm-hmm.
And it's like.
Well, why? Yeah.
Or, and there's this idea that I have to go to the bathroom immediately or I'm gonna get a UTI.
Yes, you, we absolutely should practice like going to the bathroom after sex for all of the things.
But it doesn't mean 30 seconds immediately after.
It means take a deep breath with each other.

(49:10):
Stay in that space for just a second.
Don't grab our phones.
Hmm.
Yeah.
Don't grab our phones and have towels nearby.
Like we have really soft, um, they're actually almost like baby towels.
They're really soft microfibers.
'cause I don't like baby wipes.
They're cold and we just have those.
And then I can go into the bathroom and use other ways to clean up.
But staying together and that's now a negotiated thing before all of our on camera and off camera scenes is how, how long do we wanna stay together and what do we need in that space? How, how can we bring that plane in for landing? 'cause there's sometimes where I'm having these multi orgasms and crying that I'm not ready to say hi yet.

(49:48):
And so I, yeah, I need you to just witness it that I need hold and I don't need you to solve any of the problem, especially crying.
Just keep your energy here.
Yeah.
I don't need you to solve any of it.
Stay here.
I'm gonna just like rock and cry and it's, feels, it's a lot for me and it probably looks really scary for you, but it's a good thing.
What I say is like, I just need, all I need is to just feel your spine.
Mm-hmm.
Exactly.

(50:08):
I'm gonna put my hand here and I'm just, or not, or even just energetically like that.
You're just, you're not like, ooh.
Right.
That you're just like, yep, I can hold this.
I can sit here and not fix this and not run away.
I can be in that middle, middle space.
I don't have to interrupt it either.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's just, and then I'll open my eyes and, hi tears mascara on here.

(50:29):
How are you? Yeah.
And aftercare can look like, you know, if, if I'm just having sex and aftercare can look a little bit like that.
If I've gone on a journey in a scene, you know, then sometimes I'm like, I want you to bathe me, or I want you, I want this thing.
Or sometimes I need to be alone.
I need a juice box.

(50:49):
Juice box.
Yeah.
I'll, for really intense scenes when I'm crying, I'll actually like.
I will beforehand, like now we, we've negotiated this 'cause now we know crying is a thing that I do and sadness kind of seeps in.
And with my sadness, I don't necessarily wanna be held in my sadness.
So hold me in that love, give me the, the squish melow, give me the drink so that I'm hydrated and leave me just a little bit of time to myself for music and know that there's no eco wounding in that.

(51:18):
Like, it's not that I don't wanna be around you anymore.
It's, I'm looking at all the pieces that I might have and it's all about like what you individually need and how we hold it for each other.
And it changes all the time.
And it has to change.
There has to, like, consent is constantly evolving.
Aftercare needs are always evolving.
Desires and play space is always evolving.
Like we're not a one dimensional play space.

(51:39):
And it's really important to, to always have those negotiations.
I have a question for you.
Oh, okay.
Like, yes.
Highlight kink moment.
Experience.
I have a couple in brief, um, one of my highlight kink moments.

(52:00):
Um, I'm gonna actually talk about breath plate just for a very quick moment because it's totally fine.
Okay.
Yeah, we're gonna go over.
It's gonna be a long one, guys.
Lucky them.
Thank you.
Um.
Breath play.
When I had somebody who knows that I really like breath play, knows that I have a very big line with breath play as well.
So I have a very far edge compared to a lot of people on that.

(52:22):
Mm-hmm.
And this human, this wonderful, wonderful human that I was playing with looked at me and was like, can I actually choke you? And I was like, I didn't even ask questions.
That was the other thing.
I felt so safe and so witnessed and seen and like held in this container because there were other people in this container that knew me and loved me that I was like, yeah, whatever that means to it.

(52:43):
And I went into a rear naked choke, which is now I in Brazilian jiujitsu, like a finishing move.
You don't wanna be in that position unless you wanna be in it.
And I want to, that's the end of the line for you.
That's the end of it.
And immediately put me into this choke.
Um, and I don't recommend anyone doing this without training because it is an intense blood choke For sure.

(53:04):
Put me in it within a second.
I was on the ground.
Then he smacked my ass and brought me back up.
And, and you loved it.
I loved it.
And if you have ever like, actually kind of gone away with like breath play, you wake up and you're, you're, you're the most elevated person in the room and it takes somebody really special to be able to be like, Hey, we're down here.

(53:25):
You can stay up there as long as you want and you need to love watching you up there.
We're gonna be right here for you.
So, Ooh.
Yeah.
I don't like actually going out in breath play.
I like the edge.
Mm.
I would say my like kink highlight was doing like drowning breath play, but in a beautiful river in the middle of summer.

(53:46):
Were you tied as well? Mm-hmm.
I was hands cuffed behind the back.
Yeah.
Yeah, of course you were.
Uh, yeah.
The trained professionals here.
Oh, okay.
I have like two more questions.
Two more questions.
Um, first question I have is, has your own self-pleasure changed since your coaching like container and your certification? How has that has, how has your self-pleasure evolved? Yeah, 100%.

(54:15):
Um, and it's not that I do a different form of self-pleasure every time, but I have so many more tools now to just be like, well, what do I want out of this experience? Yeah.
Um, the coaching container that I did encouraged me to explore with a lot more different types of toys than I had previously.

(54:36):
So I got a really good grasp on like what I really like, what kind of like specific kind of stimulation I like.
Like, um, I hadn't really explored my own g-spot that much prior to being like guided how to, um, hadn't explored my own cervix that much.
I.
Or even like the tissue, like right around the cervix.

(54:57):
Yeah.
Like the very top of the canal is like an amazing sensory place for me that I didn't even know, um, hadn't explored a lot of anal on my own, you know, those things.
It was just like very expansive and I learned how to, so, okay.
Let me preface this by saying the coaching container around sexuality coaching redefined my understanding of what an orgasm is.

(55:23):
'cause like we said earlier, pleasure is energy in motion.
And what my understanding of orgasm was prior to intentionally learning more about it was like this buildup of sensation right down in my root, it didn't extend past my pelvis.
That got really tight and really intense and I.

(55:47):
Could only really tip it over with a lot of clenching.
Like my legs would be clenched and my abdomen, abdomen would be clenched.
And then it would kind of like tip over.
It's almost like a push out, right? It's a push out.
Exactly.
It's a pushing energy out.
And now my, my sometimes my self pleasures that.
Mm-hmm.
And then there's, there's nothing wrong with that, but it's like, it's only one o of the options.

(56:07):
Right.
And it's nice to have other options.
And so now it can be anywhere from that to like creating a ritual space, setting attention, lighting, a candle, breathing, like dropping into my body before I just start like ferociously, like rubbing my foot or whatever.
Like being like, what? You know, I wanna be seen in love by other people.

(56:28):
And so I'm like, well, how do I see myself in love? How do I take that time to like just see myself and what's going on? What do I feel like, what do I look like? What do I want? Do I want.
To touch my own genitals or do I just wanna like rub my feet? Like what do I actually want? Or if I'm like playing around with myself, like going slow enough to be like, do I wanna be penetrated? Do I wanna put this toy or my fingers inside of me? And if you start to, it's like, does my body want that? So like that real slowing down and staying attuned to that.

(56:57):
Yes.
And not judging what the yes is or isn't for that day.
Yeah.
And letting the pleasure be what it is.
So focusing more on, 'cause this redefinition of orgasm is not just release of sexual tension, it's pleasurable sensation, the expansion of those sensations, and then an altered state or a surrender, right.

(57:21):
When you get to that peak.
Yeah.
Because an orgasm is a way, is also a way of the nervous system saying that's max, I'm gonna release this tension now.
So when, when we can practice building those pleasurable sensations, however we like to be.
Touched and then expanding that.
So you can use breath, you can use sound, you can use movement, but just like liberating that energy to move.

(57:48):
And I like to do it in a, in, um, in an orbit, in a cycle.
And then it's like, how much can you hold? 'cause at some point you'll be like, this is get, like, it's almost a discomfort because the pleasure is getting to the point where it's unfamiliar to you.
Okay.
And then your body's gonna wanna shut it off.
It's like, oh, let's just come.
Right? And which is also fine.

(58:09):
Like again, there's no wrong way to do anything, but it's just like, it's curious to see like, can I hold more? Could I hold more? Could I hold more? And the, the orgasms that come out of that practice have a power and like a life giving that the, like tipping over from a.
Energy ball in your root just doesn't have the same, doesn't have the same effect.

(58:32):
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
So my, my self pleasure has significantly changed.
And in my coaching, I use self pleasure as one, as a tool to build new patterns and let them go deeper in the body more quickly, like as an accelerator.
Because when you're trying to incorporate a new way of doing something, when your body's experiencing pleasure at the same time, it's giving you that cue that you're safe, you're safe to do this, you're safe to do this differently.

(59:01):
It feels, it can feel good.
So it's like an accelerant, but it's also how you show up to your own self pleasure is often how you show up in your life, how you show up to your sexuality with your partner.
So it's like, do you have that practice? Can you, how much presence can you bring? How much exploration do you bring there on your own? 'cause that's gonna be indicative of what you're gonna bring into your partnered sexuality too.

(59:26):
And it's gonna help you to know what your yeses are.
Yep.
It's gonna help you to know what that feels like.
Yeah.
Before your partner enters you.
Like it it, yeah.
An empowered self-pleasure practice.
Empowered.
Like, you know, if you're, if you're playing with a toy and saying like, Nope, I'm not quite ready to be entered yet.
Like just between you and yourself then with your, when you're with your partner, it's like, oh no I'm not, that's what that I know what it feels like when I'm ready and when I'm not ready and I can now I can speak to it.

(59:48):
'cause I've spoke to it with myself.
Yeah.
And that doesn't mean like a rejection of your partner or anything? No.
It's a celebration of everything happening in the right time and being a full-bodied Yes.
Which changes the level of sex completely.
Can I give you some more tools for your self-pleasure toolbox? Oh yeah.

(01:00:10):
Always.
What do we got? So we, I have so many toys for you.
What? We are partnered with Peep Show Toys, who's by far our favorite, our favorite affiliate that we have ever worked with.
Um, and I told them that Casey was coming and coming.

(01:00:32):
Casey's coming.
She's probably gonna be coming.
Casey's coming and she wants to come.
So I have given you, or I have gotten you, you have to take this through airport security, which is gonna be really great.
I think it'll be a great time.
Mm-hmm.
The NJ wand.
Mm-hmm.
It's heavy.
It's so heavy.
Heavy.
She's so heavy.
Um, the Womanizer, which is one of my favorite toys.

(01:00:53):
Yeah, she's good.
Wow.
Oh my gosh.
And then the pillow talk, g-spot massager.
Wow.
Didn't we just speak to that? You did, yeah.
Thank you.
So more tools, more toys, and, and thank you Peep show.
Thank you.
Peep show.
Yeah.
It's, it's always good to have so many things in your pleasure toolbox.
Thank you.
You are so welcome.

(01:01:13):
I'm excited to hear if you love them.
I hate them.
What they're like.
Um, my favorite thing to do with the n Enjoy wand is to actually warm it up because it's, I, I don't necessarily like Coldplay, but I like to warm it up a little bit.
Yeah.
The medal can get cold.
Yeah, the medal can, and let's, let us just like, take a moment to celebrate girlfriends and friendships where you can get on the phone and be like, what new ways have you been masturbating lately? Yeah.

(01:01:37):
Or what toys would you like? What toys do you like? Yeah, yeah.
What's working for you? Just normalizing that conversation of like yourself, pleasure is not something that you have to hide in the closet.
And if we had a bad exp experience, like can I tell you about something like this was crazy just in a work for me.
Yeah.
Collective knowledge is a really cool thing.
So collective knowledge.
Yes.
So let's get it all out of the closet so we can start talking about it.

(01:01:58):
Yeah.
And kudos to you and my container for just like creating safe spaces for people to bring those questions and curiosities too.
Yeah.
Because it's really important.
All the safe containers.
That's what we're here to do.
So is there anything else you would like to add before I close this little package up? I don't think so.
Perfect.
Yeah, we're good.
Yeah.
Well thank you so much for coming.

(01:02:21):
You can't stop saying that now.
Thank you so much for coming onto the show.
Thank you so much for coming.
Also so many times for everyone to watch.
Yeah, I didn't so many.
Oh, Casey, where can they find you? You can find me on Instagram and on my website, which are both just my name, Casey vjo.
Perfect.
On Instagram, casey vjo.com.

(01:02:43):
And, uh, learn all about what my coaching container contains and what I could do for you.
And it's a good container.
Yeah, I, I think you can speak from the inside.
I can.
Yeah.
So if anyone has any questions, I am happy to share my experience and you know where to find us, sunny and sky.com
to see all of the things that we're up to and all of the things that we're gonna get up to.

(01:03:05):
Yay.
Thank you guys for tuning in.
Stay curious.