December 12, 2024 • 66 mins
EMPOWERING THROUGH TRAUMA AND RECLAIMING YOUR VOICE
Join us in celebrating her successes, exploring the challenges faced, and gaining inspiration for your own journey. Remember, the path to success is a collaborative one, and you are not alone.
Main Topics:
- Reframing Trauma
- Toxic Positivity
- Self-Inquiry and Personal Growth
- Overcoming the Victim Mindset
- Balancing Entrepreneurship and Motherhood
In this episode of 'Anchor Your Dreams,' the host welcomes Danielle Young of Inspired Action Wellness. Danielle shares her harrowing experience as a survivor of domestic abuse and the journey that led her to become a trauma-informed yoga teacher, master certified life coach, and self-inquiry coach. The conversation delves into the importance of self-inquiry, the harmful effects of toxic positivity, and the necessity of taking actionable steps toward healing. Danielle emphasizes the role of nervous system regulation and finding individualistic healing methods. The episode also explores reclaiming one's voice, establishing self-care routines, and the significance of creating a safe space at home. Join them for a profound discussion on resilience, personal growth, and navigating life's challenges with grace.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Meghan (00:05):
If you are
someone who has a dream, but feelstuck, if you are facing obstacles that
seem overwhelming, or if you just needa dose of motivation to keep pushing
forward, then you are in the right place.
So buckle up dreamers, Anchoryour Dreams is not just a podcast.
(00:26):
It's a community, a community of dreamers,supporting dreamers, women, supporting
women, subscribe, follow along, and let'snavigate the seas of ambition together.
Thank you for joiningme on this adventure.
Get ready to be inspired,motivated, and empowered.
The journey begins now.
(00:49):
Today I'm here with DanielleYoung of Inspired Action Wellness.
Thank you, Danielle, for joining metoday on Anchor Your Dreams podcast.
Before we get into, yourexpertise, what has been your
journey to where you are today?
Danielle (01:03):
Sure.
So, um, I am a survivor of domestic abuse.
Um, that ultimately almost ended my life.
And this has been a long journey,long arduous journey of soul
searching and finding what worksand what doesn't work and, you know,
(01:25):
what's helped and what didn't help.
And then, you know, just sort of weedingout some things and putting some things
in and, you know, um, what I foundthat worked for me was, uh, yoga.
meditation, uh, self inquirypractice, uh, yoga nidra and, um,
(01:46):
and some somatic things as well.
Um, you know, it's taken me, like Isaid, a while to get to this point.
It's an everyday journey for me too.
And I, I teach whathas helped me the most.
Um, I became a master certified,uh, life coach a few years ago.
(02:09):
I became a trauma informedyoga teacher a few years ago.
Um, I became a self inquiry coach,uh, through a year long mentorship
program a couple of years ago.
And now I'm doing somesomatic, uh, training as well.
So really trying to be wellrounded and, you know, just,
(02:30):
you know, selfishly for me too.
But, you know, because I findthat the stuff really helps.
Other people with their trauma.
Meghan (02:40):
I'm noticing like a lot of people go into things that are going
to help them, but it's also because.
They have a desire to help others as well.
So like you said, you know, it's thingsthat selfishly have helped you and
now you want to, and I think havingthat understanding of how it helped
you is what also helps other people.
Danielle (03:03):
Absolutely.
Yeah.
I mean, I went to traditionaltherapy right after.
The, the incident we'll call it.
And when I left that relationship, Idid end up pressing charges against
my abuser, which doesn't happen a lot.
And my attorney advised meto start going to therapy.
(03:23):
And so I did, and it just didn't work.
I didn't find it helpful forme and some people love it.
And that's great.
You know, find what works for you.
But for me, I need moreaction oriented steps.
You know, I needed someoneto say, okay, take this.
Add this or take thisout and then do this.
(03:47):
You know, I really, I needed that.
I needed to reframe and forma new relationship with what
had happened because you don'tever forget what happens.
It's always going to be there.
But if you can form a new relationshipwith it and, you know, rediscover
ways and how to deal with it, itmakes your healing so much easier.
(04:11):
So that's what I found with what I.
With what I do and with whatI've taken on my journey with me.
Meghan (04:20):
You said, Reframed the relationship with what had happened.
I think, I mean, I have had my own,, own experience with trauma in my life.
Um, and I think even for me, like talktherapy never really did a whole lot.
I'm also very action oriented.
(04:41):
And, um, I think that was probablyone of the hardest parts out of all
the healing along my journey was.
Learning to reframe therelationship with what had happened.
Um, and this is one of the things, andmaybe if you don't mind, maybe we can
(05:01):
kind of talk about this a little bitand hear what you have to say about it.
One of the things that I find it's I seea lot of things online, for instance, um,
that whole thing of, you know, it makesyou stronger, like, what you've gone
through makes you stronger, and, andtrying to spin this sort of positive
(05:24):
way of, you wouldn't be who you aretoday if that didn't happen to you,
and then there's, you know, the otherside of it is, you also have to look
at trauma almost like head on you haveto really sort of go into it deeply
kind of bring it all up because andthen you can start to really deal with
(05:48):
it differently and I feel like There'sso many different fragments of trauma
that do show up if we don't actuallydeal with it head on, but those sayings
online and the internet and sort ofthese, these cliche sayings, well, I can
(06:10):
feel that they're true to me now becauseso many years have passed back then.
Um, if someone had said, you're goingto be stronger because of this, um,
I would have really wanted to justblock them out of my life altogether.
Like, I was not ready to hear that.
I'm going to be a stronger personbecause of the trauma or what have you.
(06:31):
So I'm, I'm curious because.
Your, um, what you went throughwas not just something mentally,
it was physically as well.
So you had a whole physicalrecovery and mental recovery.
When I say mental, I alsomean emotional and everything.
And with that is like our nervoussystem recovery, though, because
(06:55):
you're years from having thattrauma, like, what do you see about.
Do you see a positive in someonesaying that and repeating that,
or is there a time and a place?
Danielle (07:09):
So my whole, my whole theory around this whole toxic positivity
thing, um, I feel like it comes frompeople who haven't actually been there
and they're just trained to, to knowthey're like male gynecologists, right?
(07:29):
They haven't actuallybeen in a female body.
They don't know our anatomy.
I mean, they're trainedto know our anatomy.
They're trained to know thethings that we go through.
And I, I feel that way about, about these.
Certain sayings, you know, I feellike they're coming from people who
haven't actually lived the experience,but they're just trained to be
able to say these positive things.
(07:51):
Seeing that it does a couple of things.
Number one, it, when you gothrough this, it makes you feel
like you should be stronger.
It gives you this outcome.
This place to, to, that you feellike you need to already be in.
And everyone's healingjourney is different.
You know, mine probably looked waydifferent than yours and yours is going
(08:12):
to look different than someone else's.
And.
You know, so I feel like these blanketstatements are not healthy, you know,
they're, they're putting this expectationon someone to be normal, to be healthy,
to be over it, to, you know, to be strong,to, you know, to just be this person.
And meanwhile, they're like, wait, I'mjust, I'm just surviving over here.
(08:34):
I don't, I'm living.
in a state of fear.
I'm living in a place where I can'tleave my house, where I'm afraid to
go outside, where I'm afraid to be inpublic, where I'm afraid to be seen.
I feel crappy about myself.
I feel like garbage every day, youknow, but yet I'm going to be stronger.
No, I always like to tell peopleyou can't heal what you don't feel.
(08:59):
You know, when you are feeling all ofthe feels, sit with that, because that
is your body telling you what you need.
Meghan (09:07):
You know, when
Danielle (09:07):
you feel sad, cry.
It does not mean that you needto be strong in that moment.
It means you need to sit with yourself andbe okay with who you are in that moment.
I could go on and on about this.
Meghan (09:24):
Well, I do appreciate your, you know, your perspective on it, because
I do find that these blanket statementsas someone who has gone through, um,
something myself in the past, it's hardto, it's hard to see, it's hard to read,
and, my blood used to boil when I wouldsee things, and I would feel compelled
(09:47):
to, like, get on there and be like, thisis not helping, you know, or like, um,
And now I just, you know, I just kindof look at it and I roll my eyes and
I hope that when someone who does seesomething like that and does feel that
that toxic positivity, , bubbling up.
(10:10):
Or seeing it more and more onlinethat either they take a minute to
just take a deep breath becausethat's what I need to do now.
I just take a deep breath and I justkind of sit with it for a minute and I
remind myself it's easy for that to besaid online and it's easy but nobody out
there really understands the work thatpeople have to do to get to that point.
(10:34):
To even the other sideto feel like, Oh yeah.
Okay.
Cause that's all hindsight.
It's all.
It's all after
Danielle (10:42):
the fact.
Right.
And, you know, social media is,I mean, it's a vortex, right?
I mean, some of it is good, some ofit is bad, but I feel like a lot of
this stuff is just being repostedand reposted by people who are
like, Oh, I like this, you know, butthey don't actually understand it.
But for someone like us, you know, we seethat and we internalize it and someone who
(11:02):
has been on this road, you know, sees thatand they think that something is wrong
with them, that they're not like this.
And that can be so harmfulon a healing journey.
You know, and I, I, I feel like,
I feel like people lack empathy whenit comes to Abuse survivors, you know,
(11:29):
because if you haven't lived it, youknow, you just, you come from this mindset
where like, we'll just get over it, youknow, like you're, you're out of it.
You know, everything should be fine now.
No, healing is law is not linear.
I mean, it is not a straight path.
You're going to havegood days and bad days.
And if you don't have a good supportsystem and people who can, you know, okay.
Meghan (12:01):
Um, well, and that's, and that's just it.
It's not linear.
And there's thingsthat, I know for myself.
Um, even as of recently, there's been asituation with somebody I know and it's
triggered things that I thought weretotally like done like 30 years ago, like
(12:24):
not 30 years ago, but like we're talkingsomething that happened 30 years ago and
now there's things that are triggeringand I'm like, Whoa, wait a minute.
Yeah.
Okay.
And I really have to kind of just like.
Allow those feelings to come up.
And instead of sitting there in thisidea that it shouldn't be happening
(12:48):
and that I shouldn't be triggered, Ijust realized that I just had to let it
all come through and just be okay withwhat's not be okay with it, but, uh, what
I'm trying to say is just acknowledgewhat is happening in that moment.
And I wonder if, if.
(13:09):
Because I think you saidit has been about 20 years.
Um, so do you find the samething sometimes happens for you?
Do you feel that Sometimes somethingcan be said a certain way or a tone of
voice that is used or an action that ismade and all of a sudden you feel like
(13:30):
you're in a space that you were in 15years ago, five years ago, 20 years ago.
Danielle (13:35):
Absolutely.
Yeah.
And those are, those are the momentsthat I'm grateful that I have the tools
that I do because you know, like Isaid, this is your body will carry this.
I mean, it is in every cell of your body.
Whether we like it or not, it's thereand there are things that happen on like
(13:59):
the surface level that go way deeper.
So, you know, something like the look,just a look can set someone off and you're
like, wow, why did that bother me so much?
But if you sit with it, you're goingto find out that maybe somebody in the
third grade looked at you the same way.
(14:21):
And that gave you the senseof, Oh, I'm not liked.
They think I'm ugly.
You know, I mean, and you startcreating these perceptions and
these beliefs about yourself.
And that is what you carry through.
your whole life with, you know,we are given a core set of values
and beliefs by the time we're six.
So those will come through even lateron in life if they're not dealt with.
(14:47):
So, you know, those little teeny tinymoments of like, Oh, that look, or
that tone, like, why is, you know,they're still to this day, like my
husband will say something and I'm,and I'm like, and I'll catch myself.
And it's like, okay, this is me.
This isn't him.
And it took me a really long time.
(15:07):
And that's, you know, I always like to saywe are responsible for our own reactions,
not the reactions of someone else.
So if someone triggers usin that way, that's us.
We have to figure out where it'scoming from and how to deal with it,
because it will continue the cycle.
It will continue carrying oninto other things in life.
(15:31):
And the little things are whatwe need to get control over.
Because if we don't get the little thingsunder control, if the big things are
going to be catastrophic in our own head.
Meghan (15:41):
Mm.
Mm hmm.
For sure.
How did you,
how did you get to that place whereyou were able to see the little
things and start to, to go moreinward and to acknowledge it's your
reaction that you have control over?
Danielle (16:03):
When I started doing self inquiry, so I was an external blamer.
You know, I was this person who thought,well, they looked at me like that.
They shouldn't, theyshouldn't act like that.
You know, they shouldn't do that.
They shouldn't be like that.
They, you know, I was shootingall over people in myself, you
know, and what did that do?
(16:25):
It made me a horrible person.
It made me miserable.
It made me unhappy.
And only when I started doing selfinquiry that I, you know, I was taught.
There are three realms of power, right?
There's your power, what you can control.
You know, you, everything about you.
Then there is their power, them, whoeverthey are, people in your life, external
(16:51):
things that, you know, you can't control.
And then there is like universal power.
The things that you can't controlthe universe, like you can't control
the stars, you can't control likephotosynthesis, you know, we have
no control over those things.
So what we have is control over just us.
So once I started categorizing thingsand seeing that, like, oh, that's a them
problem, and I'll say that now, that'sa them problem, or that's a you problem,
(17:15):
you know, then it really became like,oh, okay, it was, it can, it became
like a light bulb moment, you know.
Like, okay, I, yeah, this is a me problem.
This is a now me problem.
This isn't a future me problem.
Like, I really need to, to get controlover this and to take control over this
and figure out why I feel this gross.
(17:37):
And that's when you sit down, you haveto have a conversation with yourself.
And the first question Ilike to ask is, is this true?
This thought that I'm having.
Am I invisible?
Well, I don't know.
Is it true?
Yes or no?
And that's the first step in self inquiry.
You ask yourself, is the statement true?
Yes or no.
And then there's this whole other listthat we go through and I go through
(17:58):
the list and eventually I'm like,huh, Danielle, you're being a moron.
Okay.
Let it go.
You don't need to carry this becausewhen you care, when you start carrying
other people's burdens, you're just,you are burdening yourself with
things that you don't need to carry.
Meghan (18:19):
Yes.
Um, the label self inquiry, I think.
I love that because I think For me,that's definitely something that I've
been able to do a lot more, but I neverreally had a label so to speak for it.
And, um, being, being open and curiousto where things come from or, or what
(18:47):
might've triggered something or a seriesor sequence sequence of thoughts and
actions, I think is one of the, One of thenumber one things that has helped me in a
lot of, um, changes over the last coupleof years, because I, too, was more of
like a, it's a them thing, um, and should,you know, should on everybody, should
(19:15):
on myself, um, and I, I started going Alot more sort of inward and everything.
I don't know, eight years ago, I'll say.
And even like, it's taken me a longtime to get to where I am today.
Starting that sort of realjourney eight years ago.
(19:36):
And, um, the victim mindset, I think,um, you know, and one of the things
that you had mentioned is that youreally love to empower women to
come out of that victim mindset.
And I think that that is.
Where really everything sort ofchanged for me is when I stopped
(20:00):
looking at myself as a victim.
And when I started to look atmyself, um, as having more control,
because for so many years, uh, that thishelplessness, um, took over and it was
(20:23):
just like, yeah, I would make choicesin my life and do certain things, right?
Like I, I chose to have childrenand chose to do this and do that.
But in between all of that andunderneath all of that was.
Um, and it's about a feeling ofbeing out of control and a victim to
everything that was happening around me.
Danielle (20:44):
So
Meghan (20:46):
in, in sort of the theme of the podcast and anchoring our dreams, I think
getting out of that victim mindset isreally how we can get to our goals and get
to where we want and live out our dreams.
Um, so can you share a little bit about,um, sort of how you were able to come
(21:09):
out of that mindset given your trauma?
Um, and the domestic violence, and Ifeel like the word victim itself, um,
kind of has a negative connotation to it.
So, from your perspective,Please do share.
Danielle (21:27):
Yeah.
So I, when I left this, um, abusiverelationship, I had a three week old
daughter and I knew that if I was goingto be the kind of mother that she needed,
I needed to get a grip on my life.
(21:47):
I needed to be who she needed me to be.
So that was really the catalyst for me tojust put one foot in front of the other.
I'm not saying it was easy.
There were days, I mean, There were yearsin there that I could not put one foot
(22:09):
in front of the other, that I lived infear, that I, you know, became agoraphobic
because I couldn't leave my house.
I was so afraid he was going to find us.
And
I, I think I just, I had this innatesense that no matter what, I still
(22:34):
needed to be a functioning human.
And I didn't take on any labels.
I didn't think of myself as a victim.
I just thought, you knowwhat, this happened to me and
now I need to deal with it.
I did start off, you know, with thewhy, like why did this happen to me?
(22:58):
Why did I let this happen to me?
And I, and that's totally normal now.
You know, now that, now that I knowthat that's normal, but at the time
I just, it put me in this mindset ofvictim, but I didn't give it that label.
Um, when I started moving forward and Igot into a new relationship with my now
(23:21):
husband, I started to see, you know what,there are people out there that are good.
You know, there are, there are people outthere that can love me without hurting
me because I equated love with hurt.
You know, I thought that to be that Youknow, well, he loved me because, you know,
(23:41):
if he didn't love me, he wouldn't be socontrolling, you know, he wants me here.
So he, he, no, it was total manipulationand mind control and gaslighting.
So when I got into this newrelationship and we went very slow,
very, very slow, he and I were like,no, we're gonna, you stay over there.
(24:08):
I'm going to stay over here and we'lljust communicate every now and then.
And I think that really helped too,because I started to learn that I could
trust again, that I could trust him,that I could be in a space that was
safe, that, that wasn't going to hurt me.
(24:29):
And that's when I really started to feelmore, like, self aware, I guess, of, wow,
I really didn't feel like this before.
You know, I didn't feel like thisbeing with, and I call him stupid,
my abuser, I call him stupid.
So I really didn't feel likethis was stupid, and wow, I
didn't know this was possible.
And then I just kind of built off of that.
(24:51):
You know, if I can feel likethis, What else can I feel like?
You know, what other positivethings can I, can I feel?
You know, and it was like, itjust started becoming this,
this challenge within myself.
Like, okay, what, what can I do today?
You know, like I'm going to, and I juststarted, you know, started very small.
(25:13):
And I just started putting myselfinto the world just a little tiny bit
more, you know, I could finally walkaround the neighborhood, you know,
I could finally get in my car andgo places, you know, we moved across
the country and that really helped.
And I just, I just said, Okay,I'm gonna make up my mind.
(25:34):
This is this is me moving forward.
And that's really kind ofhow it all, it all started.
And he was super supportive.
So that helped too.
Meghan (25:45):
Yeah.
Well, yeah, I, I, youneed to feel safe, right?
Number one, like the only wayto get out of survival mode.
is to start to feel safe.
And it sounds like you had asupport system through him.
He was very, it sounds like verypatient, I think, um, which is a huge,
(26:10):
huge thing when, when anyone is tryingto, um, heal his, the people around
us to, to have patients with us,because like you said, it's not linear.
Um, So, so it sounds like younever, you didn't label, um, it as
being sort of in a victim mindset.
(26:30):
You started taking action basedon an innate feeling that you had,
Danielle (26:35):
um,
Meghan (26:36):
and were able to push yourself just a little bit more and a little
bit more and a little bit more.
Did you ever stop and be like,like, were you able to stop and,
and see the growth that you made?
Or was it just kind of happening andhappening and happening and compounding
to a point where it just started tofeel lighter and different for you?
Danielle (27:00):
Yeah.
Um, I never, I didn't everstop and think about it.
Um, I was just living life,
you know, I'm not a labels person.
I don't, I don't sit back and go, wow,look how far I've come now that never.
That I didn't actually do until justrecently where I'm like, wow, yeah,
(27:24):
look at what I have overcome and gottenthrough and man, I just didn't think
about it because I was in survivalmode for so long that it was just
like, okay, I have this responsibility.
I have this responsibility.
I have this responsibility.
And it just all became like this,you know, my life became very rote.
It became like, okay, I'm just gonna live.
(27:46):
Live like this, keep movingforward, keep going on.
And I didn't ever reallystop to look back.
I knew that I couldn't look back
Meghan (27:55):
and I didn't
Danielle (27:55):
want to, because if I, if I looked back, that meant
I was going to go back there.
And that was part of me not facing whathad happened because I thought I'll just.
shove it under the rug.
You know, I'll just,I'll stuff it all down.
I'll deal with it in my own way.
(28:16):
And I'm, I'm never going to look back now.
I know it was the wrongway to deal with things.
But at the time it was like, that'swhat I felt like I needed to do
to just live.
Meghan (28:39):
So you said that was the wrong way.
What would you say thenwould be the right way?
Danielle (28:47):
I would have dealt with my feelings.
I would not have shoved everything down.
So I come from a familythat is very stoic.
We don't share our feelings.
We don't talk to therapists.
We, you know, that's just not a thing.
You know, if something happensto us, we keep it all inside.
I mean, it's just, it's not a thing.
(29:08):
You deal with it within yourselfand you find comfort and solace
in your own self and that's it.
You know, my family is very unemotional.
Very shame based, very, you know,I love them, love them dearly, but
now I know that that is not reallya great way to handle things.
(29:30):
And
so that's what I didbecause I did what I knew.
You know, I did what I knew how todo and I did what I was taught to do.
And then when I learned better, when Iknew better and I'm like, Oh, you mean
I can actually deal with my feelings.
I can deal with my emotions.
Like how do I do that?
(29:52):
And that's when yoga really kind ofhelped me was because I could sit in
yoga and I would lay on my mat and cry.
That became my safe space forme for a really, and still is.
If I'm feeling all spun out in the world,um, and I, you know, I'm just like, okay,
I just need to take a mental break here.
(30:14):
I'll get out my mat and justlay down on it and just breathe
because that is my safe space.
And I, I teach that to my clients,like find something in your home
that you can go to that is safe.
For you, whatever that looks like, andwhether it's like I have a meditation
corner, you know, and be in that safespace so you can feel what, what comes up
(30:38):
because whatever comes up, it's coming upto go, you know, don't be afraid of it.
Yeah, it, it's, it'swanting to be released.
Because when you hold it down, you'reonly creating more pain within yourself
and it will prolong your healing.
It will, I mean, it will do horriblethings to your body, both physically,
(31:01):
physiologically, biologically.
I mean, we can have aconversation about that all day.
Meghan (31:07):
You know,
Danielle (31:08):
I have an autoimmune disorder because of it.
So, you know, and I haveadrenal fatigue because of it.
So, you know, learninghow to move and flow.
With whatever's coming up is.
And I think that's like,number one, that's key.
And the first thing that Igo through with, with people
(31:29):
is nervous system regulation.
You know, we've got to get yournervous system back to where you can
sit and you can be with what comes up.
Because if you can't heal what's comingup, you're never going to move forward.
Mm
Meghan (31:45):
hmm.
Danielle (31:46):
You know, if you can't recognize that this emotion
is coming up for me, okay.
What do I need right now?
And do that for yourself.
How can you expect yourself to fully heal?
You know?
Yeah.
You have to embrace everything aboutyou in order to embrace everything
(32:12):
fully about everything else.
Meghan (32:15):
It's so true.
And I think that's also goingback to the toxic positivity.
I think
everybody wants everyoneto feel good all the time.
Yeah.
Danielle (32:27):
Yeah.
Meghan (32:28):
And when we're trying to suppress our own stuff and we're just trying
to be like, Oh, today's a good day.
Today's going to be a positive day.
And someone else isgoing through something.
We're wanting them to feel positiveso that we can still feel positive
and live in this like little bitof a Bubble around, you know,
(32:50):
what's happening in our own lives
Because I do find too that that's huge issort of the shared energy but also I have
now found being with people and aroundpeople who are willing to To sit with
their emotions and really go through it.
(33:10):
I'm much more attracted to be shitwithin shared energy with them,
no matter what their energy levelis, if that makes sense, like
Danielle (33:22):
totally.
Yeah, no, it totally makes sense, youknow, because when you start, because
everything is energy, right, when yougive off this negative energy, when
you're harboring so much negativityand so much hatred for yourself, how
is anyone else supposed to love you?
How is anyone else supposedto want to be around you?
(33:44):
You know, that's the vibe you'regiving off is that I don't love myself.
Therefore I'm in this world feelinglike no one else should love me
because how can I love myself?
You know, so when you start to erasethat energy, when you start to get
out of that negativity and you'relike, man, no, I'm not unlovable.
Really, I'm not.
I am lovable as I am.
(34:06):
I'm in this world.
I am taking up the spacethat I, that I need for me.
And you will start attracting peoplewho are attracted to that energy.
You will start attractingbetter people into your life.
I mean, that's why we keep repeatingthese, you know, toxic relationships,
because you haven't healed What, youknow, what that toxic trait was that
(34:32):
was attracting all of these people healit so you can start, you know, being
with like, you know, like attracts like.
Meghan (34:40):
Mm hmm.
Yes.
Danielle (34:42):
Simple science.
Meghan (34:44):
So, so simple.
And one of the, one of the things that,um, just, you know, these things are
simple in theory and then in practice.
Right.
And that's the thing that I have learnedtoo, but it's also a point of where we can
just give ourselves a little bit of grace.
(35:05):
Like, yes, we can.
We can have these conversations, we canread the books, we can, we can listen to
the podcast, we can do all the things, butreally, at the same time, we do have to
give some energy to the practice of thesemethods and these things that, that help.
Um, for instance, you know,one of the things, Especially
(35:29):
being an entrepreneur, right?
It, it does.
It, it's a lot.
It takes a lot of energy.
Um, women who are also mothers, likewe shared, you know, sometimes we
don't know how our day is going to go.
We're going to get it either.
Our kids are going to end up being athome and we've got this planned and
that planned, or we get a call fromthe school saying, come pick me up.
(35:50):
Um, and being an entrepreneur,everything starts and ends with us.
So what are some tips?
Um, that you have for, for stayingmotivated and, um, getting through some
of those lows and challenging times.
Danielle (36:10):
My, so my biggest thing that I preach is self compassion, self care.
You have got it.
Like you said, you've gotto give yourself some grace.
You know, you cannot be expected toperform 100 percent all the time.
That's where burnout comes inand it will come in very quickly.
(36:33):
I mean, If you are not, if you'reconstantly running and you're, you're
going to be running on empty, youhave to fill yourself up first.
So what I like to tellpeople is just set aside.
I don't care if it's 10minutes, 10 minutes a day.
I like to have a morning routine.
That's my time.
I get up.
I do my thing.
(36:54):
Everybody else knowsyou stay away from mom.
Don't breathe on me.
Don't look in my direction.
You know, like you, this is my time.
And.
I am a huge believer in taking time forourselves first thing in the morning
because that is what starts off our day.
So we can be prepared forwhatever hits us later on.
(37:17):
So I get up, I meditate, um, I get mycoffee, I make my bed, I, you know,
I brush my teeth, shower, whatever.
I might do a couple of yoga poses.
I might go work out.
It just depends on the day, but thatfor me sets the standard for what I will
(37:41):
allow in my day, if that makes any sense.
So when I start the day off in agood headspace, every, I can deal
with whatever comes up, right?
And I can give myself that grace,like, okay, this just sidetracked me.
Okay, it's fine.
It's okay.
(38:02):
Let's maneuver.
We'll pivot.
And then, you know, and thenwe'll, uh, we'll come back
around to whatever we're doing.
But I just feel like itputs you in a better flow.
You know, you're able to justflow better throughout the day.
You're able to just accept things asthey come and just, you know, sort
of like be in the world as you are.
Meghan (38:21):
Hmm.
Yes.
I, I think morning routines.
Um,
and I know, and I'll just speakfrom my own experience as a, as a
mom who, um, my husband works away.
(38:42):
So I'm, I'm speaking from a place of beinga solo parent, um, as I call it, I'm not
single, but I am solo some of the timeand all, all, you know, I, the routine.
The things that I need in the morningfor the longest time just got pushed
aside and pushed aside, you know,okay, I'm going to go have a shower.
(39:05):
Oh, you need something.
Okay.
Okay.
I guess my shower, you know what I mean?
And for the longesttime, that's what I did.
I, I, I was there for everybody else.
Um, and even, even thoughI mostly work from home.
That's been a whole other side of the
(39:28):
spectrum of it because I still do it.
I still am like, Oh, well, but I'm home.
So in, you know, I'll get thekids off to school and then I'll
come home and then I'll do this.
But then work mode comes into play andI'm like, Oh no, I got to get work done.
And those are those days when Idon't take the time for myself.
(39:50):
Those are those days where I do feel like.
I am by afternoon or when thekids are getting home from school.
I am, I'm done because I haven'ttaken that time for my routine.
Um, and yeah, so I think thatmorning routines and taking that
(40:11):
time and, and like you said, andhow you, um, articulated it is it
allows us because we've essentiallywe've regulated our nervous system.
We've gotten up.
And we've taken care of ourselves.
Our nervous system is in,um, that regulated mode.
And something that comes up that mightfeel chaotic, we are regulated that
(40:39):
it's easier for us to handle and todeal with and actually think about it
from a standpoint of critical thinking.
And acknowledging what we have controlover versus when we are not regulated,
we haven't taken that time, we don'treally think about things from a
critical standpoint, we think aboutthings from a chaotic standpoint, and
(41:04):
then we're reacting to the situation.
So, and it's a good reminder.
Like, I, like I said, I'm, I have my dayswhere I'm like, yeah, routine, let's go.
And then other days I'm like routine.
What's a routine.
Danielle (41:22):
Yeah, same.
I mean, it is, it is hard, youknow, when, when you are an
entrepreneur, it is really.
It is really hard to set thoseboundaries, but, you know, they're
crucial, you know, setting boundariesis with anything is crucial, you know,
and I even do it in evening routine,you know, that way I know I have
(41:43):
something to look forward to that way.
If my day goes completely offthe rails, I know that at seven
o'clock at night, that is my time.
No, my door closes.
I put a sign.
I it's like basically do notdisturb mom at this point.
Um, I will go in my room.
I'll do like a face mask.
I'll do, you know, some meditation.
I'll just sit, I'll journal, writemy gratitudes out for the day, you
(42:08):
know, because that is, I'll braindump, you know, I'll just start
journaling, you know, like, Hey, thishappened today and get it all on paper.
So I'm not going to sleep with it.
And that for me has been a big help too.
You know, just journaling, getting it allout before bed, and then going to sleep
with this clear, with clarity almost.
(42:32):
So I would, yeah, I mean that, I lovehaving morning and evening routines.
If you can only do one or the other,then hey, or take a five minute break in
the middle of the day and just breathe.
Meghan (42:44):
You know,
Danielle (42:46):
whether you're sitting at your desk or whether you're sitting in
your car, just close your eyes, takea deep breath, and just breathe, tell
yourself, I'm okay in this moment.
Meghan (42:57):
Yes.
Danielle (42:58):
I love little things like that.
Meghan (43:00):
And I think for some people who do, who, who are more structured.
In their days and everything, havingspecific times, but also acknowledging
that if we need to take an extrafive in the middle of the day, like
that's okay if that's what you need.
And like you said, if we'refeeling some kind of way.
(43:23):
And the tears start coming.
Just, just allow it,allow it in that moment.
You don't even have to understandwhy or where it's coming from.
Um, but just allow it and everything.
And yeah, I think that that's all thosethings are so important, especially, um,
When we are so busy and we do tend totake on so much, I think as, as women in
(43:48):
general and, and mothers and everything wedo, we, we do tend to, um, take on other
people's emotions and other people's.
You know, Kate chaos in there, you know,it's natural kids, you know, we want to
help and fix and do and be, um, but we dohave to take care of ourselves when one
(44:11):
of these things that someone mentionedto me so many years ago, and it was like,
just so helpful at that time of my life.
And it was just like this reminder thatwe need to put our oxygen masks on first.
Like we really can't help anyone aroundus if we don't have our oxygen mask on.
(44:32):
And it was like, Oh, like so simplethe way she said it and the way she
worded it, but it was so profound,you know, like that's, um, yeah.
So you've mentioned, um,you've mentioned a few things.
One of the things that I, I do want tosort of go back to as well is dispelling
(44:55):
the myths regarding domestic violence andhow trauma affects the body physically
and mentally because you did talk abouthow, you know, our bodies really do hold
on to things and we can work on ourselves.
Or think that we're working onourselves and going through this healing
journey, but our bodies will remindus sometimes where we're actually at.
(45:20):
Um, can you, do you want to talk a littlebit about some strategies for, for that?
Danielle (45:28):
So for when you get triggered or?
Meghan (45:31):
Well, just like when, like acknowledging what's
happening in our bodies.
Like if.
We've gone through trauma.
Our bodies remember it.
We are actively working on tryingto be on this healing journey.
We're giving ourselves grace and thenall of a sudden we might feel a bit of
a setback within our physical selves.
Danielle (45:52):
So that's normal.
Um, completely normal to feel setbacks.
The first step really in traumahealing is nervous system regulation.
I'll say it time and time again.
You know, if we, because what happensis physiologically our body will
go, our nervous system will go intowhat's called our sympathetic nervous
(46:17):
system, which is fight or flight.
And that switch will constantly be on.
You know, that is there for uswhen we're running from the tiger.
You know, when we are in a perceivedthreat, it doesn't, the tiger
doesn't even have to be there.
It's a perceived threat thatwe feel is going to harm us.
(46:38):
Our body flips into that mode.
Adrenaline starts surging,cortisol starts surging.
Our bodies prepare to,to, to battle, basically.
And when you are stuck in that state overa long period of time, and I can speak
to this because I have numerous medicalissues resulting from this, your adrenal
(47:00):
glands, which produce your cortisol,are gonna, they're gonna baseline.
They're, they're gonna, actuallythey're not even gonna baseline.
They're going to completelystop functioning, or they
will be at low function.
That's gonna start creating some problems.
It being stuck in fight or flightalso affects your hormones.
(47:22):
It affects your, uh, mental ability.
You can start to developlike autoimmune disorders.
Not learning how to switch over and tobring yourself back into a parasympathetic
state, which is rest and digest.
(47:43):
That's where your body goes.
Okay, I'm safe.
I can stop the cortisol production.
I can stop the adrenaline.
You know, we're going to bringeverything back into homeostasis.
which is like the body's natural state.
We can relax.
We're okay.
That perceived thought of fear is gone.
You know, you're not in a heightenedstate of awareness all the time.
(48:07):
Bringing us back into thatis going to be easier.
When you're in that state, itwill be easier to deal with when
things come up and your bodyneeds to switch back into that.
Fight or flight mode.
(48:28):
If you're constantly in fight orflight, your body's not going to know
the difference because it could besomeone's chasing you, or it could
be like, you forgot your phone,but your, your body is going to be
like, Oh my God, what is happening?
You know, you're alwaysgoing to be hypervigilant.
You know, you, I don't want to gettoo scientific about this, but, um, it
(48:54):
will start activating things that aregoing to be detrimental to your health.
So switch, learn how to come out ofthat and come into the parasympathetic.
Meghan (49:14):
And to come into the parasympathetic and, and
learning how to come out of that.
Is that, that's going to bedifferent for, for everybody.
Some people like you so, Perhapsgoing into, uh, breathwork
might be work for some people.
Do you have other, um, tools forgetting into that parasympathetic?
Danielle (49:40):
Yep.
So, um, breathwork is a huge one.
I, I love breathwork.
There are a lot of other likesomatic techniques that we can do.
Um, there's one that I like to do.
It's like a, it's like an energy dischargewhere you just kind of stand up and you
just kind of shake and you know, you kindof just get out all that energy and then
you just stand there and you just breathe.
(50:02):
Um, that's another big one.
Um, there is a practice in yoganidra that I like to do, um, sort of
an energy diffusion, um, technique.
So yeah, there are,there are some options.
Um, vagal nerve toning is another option.
Uh, singing, humming, you know, doingthings that will activate the vagus nerve.
(50:23):
That's going to be.
big ones, you know,those will be big ones.
Um, yeah, I mean, there's a wholehost of things that we can do to, you
know, bring your nervous system down.
Meghan (50:35):
I like the energy discharge, like even just those two words, no
matter what action you take to get there,the idea of Discharging that energy.
Um, I, I, like I, I had a whole visualof, of the energy discharging and
it bringing me like right back andthen being able to feel my breath.
(50:58):
Um, I, it's really interesting.
I have a really hard time with breathwork and I always have for some reason.
Um, and I remember being like in acounselor's office and them being
like, just take a deep breath.
And I was like, I just, you know, partof me just wanted to swear and curse
(51:19):
and be like, you don't even understand.
I can't do that.
Like, give me some other tool.
But nobody had any other tools.
There was no talk about energydischarging or even using our body.
Um, so just hearing the words energydischarge really just, Kind of was like,
(51:41):
like an aha, like, yeah, it's okay ifyou can't sit and take a deep breath,
if you need to stand up and shake yourbody, if you need to hum, if you need
to put on, I don't know, a heavy metaland sing, like whatever, whatever works.
And I think that is, I thinkthat is, Sort of what I think a
lot, what we really need to, um,
(52:06):
put more weight on is thateach person is so unique.
Each person needs on getting fromone state of your nervous system into
another or reverse up, um, upregulate,upregulate or downregulate, it's all
going to look different and you mighthave to try like a handful of things until
(52:29):
you find the right combination for you.
And that's why I love talking toDifferent people, um, because everyone
has something that works different.
Everybody's way of even talkingabout these things is different.
And for some people, like I have,like you, like with how you express
(52:51):
things today, I was like, Oh yeah,that makes so much sense to me.
And I feel like that's whyit's so important to sometimes
even talk about some of.
the same things over and over, butwe're going to hear it differently.
It's going to land differently.
Someone's perspective or life storyis going to resonate differently.
(53:11):
So yeah.
Danielle (53:13):
Yeah.
Healing is definitely not a one sizefits all, you know, there definitely
is not one solution for everyone.
Everybody's trauma sits differently.
Everyone's healing looks different.
You know, I mean, There are somany and I think that's what
everyone tried to do before.
Oh, just go to therapy.
Well, okay, but sometimes thatworks and sometimes it doesn't.
You know, it's a great tool,um, if it works for you.
(53:39):
But sometimes they're, like people likeus, need something a little bit more
and that's when, you know, we reallyneed to be open to more suggestions
of things that could potentially work.
And that's why it took me 20 years.
I mean, you know, I was just goingthrough so many things trying
to find something that worked.
And sometimes it's not one thing.
(54:00):
Sometimes it's, you know,a combination of things.
Like I have four or five thingsthat I, tools in my tool belt
that work the best for me.
And those four or five thingsmight not work for you.
They might not work for one of my clients.
You know, they might not workfor, you know, whomever else,
but you know, they're available.
So I think if we just are open totaking what's available and seeing what
(54:22):
works, it's going to be so beneficial.
And I'm always a hugefan for a rage playlist.
Like I I'm, I mean, you know, even if youjust put it on and you like run around
your living room and you're just screamingat the top of your lungs, I mean, do it.
(54:42):
You know, what is stopping you?
You know, it's totally fine.
Have the rage playlist.
Have the cry playlist too.
I have a cry playlist.
When I just, when I want to be sadand I want to sit in that energy,
okay, I'm going to give it to, I'mjust going to give this to myself now.
I'm going to sit here with thisand then it's like, okay, I'm done.
(55:03):
I'm over it.
Yeah, have it.
Do what you need to do.
It is not, not a one solution.
Meghan (55:13):
No, it's not.
And, you know, and that's, I think that'sthe other thing is it took me years
to also understand that as well formyself, you know, because like, yeah,
you know, everyone's like counselling,counselling, counselling, counselling.
No, I remember being, um, young andMy mom, I know she was coming from
(55:34):
a place of really trying to helpme, but it was just like, you're
grounded until you go to counseling.
And I'm like, yeah, this doesn't work.
Like it just, and, and unfortunatelywhat was happening was I was
just feeling the opposite effect.
Right.
I then just instead became angry thatI was being forced to do something,
Danielle (55:56):
um,
Meghan (55:56):
you know, But, you know, at the end of the day, it, it
has, it has taken me years.
To understand what does work for me.
And that doesn't mean thatin 10 years that yeah, going
somewhere and talking might work.
So sometimes even revisitingthings that we've once tried
(56:17):
didn't work in that timeframe.
Doesn't mean that it may notwork in our future either.
Um, but, um, we're, we're kindof, the time is kind of we're in
there, but one of the things, um,I was on your YouTube channel.
Okay.
And one of the things that Icame across that I thought I hope
(56:39):
that you can share on the podcasttoday is reclaiming our voice.
You had some tips for peopleto reclaim their voice.
Could you share those today?
Danielle (56:52):
Yeah.
So, um, first step is to, I mean, there's,there's quite a few, I'm not sure which
ones I gave on that video, but, um, thefirst one is, you know, just say no.
If you are in my peoplepleasers, I love ya.
You've got to learn to say no.
(57:14):
You know, how that otherperson reacts is not up to you.
You know, let them react how they'regoing to react, but say no to something
that you would normally say yes to,you know, say no, I'm really not.
I really don't want to do this.
Um, another good one is, um, youknow, be around people who you can.
(57:39):
say things to.
If you are around people thatyou can't voice your opinion
to, those are not your people.
I don't care if it's family,friends, they're not your people.
So find a tribe that you can, youknow, be authentically you in.
(58:01):
And then, You know, if you're everin a situation or, you know, like
even with friends, it doesn't matter.
Just speak up, you know, just say,voice an opinion, like say something.
And again, how theyreact is how they react.
But know that every time you dothat, you're doing two things.
Number one, you are empoweringyourself to do it some more.
(58:24):
And number two, you are findingout who your people are.
Because if, if you say, if you voicean opinion and they're like, Oh,
you know, pearl clutching, um, thenyou know they're not your people.
And no matter what you say, you are,or no matter what you do, you're
never going to fit in with them.
You know, you're never going to beable to feel like yourself around them.
(58:46):
So it's really just owning like,Hey, I have a, I have a voice, I have
an opinion and being okay with it.
And, you know, even just in littlesituations, like even over coffee
with a friend, you know, voice andopinion, and they might surprise you.
If you feel like, Oh, I can'tsay that to that person.
Say it.
They might surprise you in how theyreact and again, it doesn't matter how
(59:12):
they react you got what you needed outAnd that's the most important thing.
Meghan (59:18):
Mm hmm.
I love that.
Thank you so much for those tips.
I think reclaiming our voice It's suchan important thing and how you put it,
you know, we're gonna build trust withinourselves And eventually, the people,
like, people who do react, it's, it'sgonna unfaze us, it's gonna roll off our
(59:39):
back, and we're just gonna keep going,like, Okay, that was that was their thing.
Um, but if we are not used to beingable to do that, it's definitely
a building trust within ourselves.
And like you said, if it's surroundingourselves with people who we can
say things to that aren't going toreact, and that's our starting point,
(01:00:00):
and then moving ourselves out intothe different, you know, groups of
people, and things like that, too.
And just, you know, Keep going.
It is.
It's, it's building the trust.
And then eventually we're goingto be amazed by those people,
those people, those, um, asyou called it, pearl clutchers.
Danielle (01:00:21):
Yeah.
You have to honor yourselffirst because at the end of
the day, you are what you have.
And if you don't honor yourself,you can't expect anyone else to.
Meghan (01:00:35):
I love that.
And on that note, honoringourselves with time.
I'm going to, um, just wrap it up here.
Is there any other points that, um, wereimportant for you to bring up today?
Danielle (01:00:53):
Uh, no, I think we pretty much covered, covered a lot.
Um, no, just honor yourself, boundaries.
You set the standard forhow people treat you.
Meghan (01:01:06):
Thank you so much, Danielle, for being on the podcast today and
sharing your story and your tips.
Um, I know that the listeners willhave so many different things to try.
And what I love too, is that theseare all things that people can
do in the comfort of their home.
Things that they can utilize,and create that safe space.
(01:01:27):
Uh, I just want to say, I thinkthat was also such an important.
Uh, thing for me as well.
I actually, without even realizingthat I had done this, my bedroom
has, is my safe space in my home.
It's I chose a few years ago, I waslistening to an audio book and it was
(01:01:47):
talking about making your bed every day.
And I was like, yeah, you knowwhat, I'm going to do that.
I'm going to make my bed every day.
And part of it is because when I go toa hotel and the bed is made, it just,
a certain way and the sheets are alltucked in and it looks all nice like
it gives me this like restful feelingit gives me this feeling when I pull
(01:02:09):
back those covers of just like ah andI was like I need to do that in my own
space in my own bed so I started makingmy bed every day and then because my
bed was made and my room was tidy Irealized I started retreating to my room.
When I started feeling like other thingsaround me were out of my control and a
(01:02:30):
little chaotic and toys were everywhere.
Um, so my room, I just, yeah.
And, and I started torealize that as well.
As I said, my husband works away.
He's a bit of a Tasmanian devil.
So when he comes home, like,you know, he's been home.
And I've literally been like, Okay,like, I know this is your room, too.
(01:02:52):
But I need to understand thatthis is actually also my very
safe, sacred space in this house.
It's the one place that I feellike I can retreat to and I need
you to pick up after yourself.
Danielle (01:03:06):
Yeah, you know, and that also gives us a sense of control.
Yeah.
And things because that'sthe thing we can do.
We can make our bed.
We, those are the things we can control.
So when the world feels out ofcontrol, we have the things we can,
we can come in and we can control.
And you know, that is, that is a formof self care, honestly, making your
bed every day, you know, doing thoselittle rituals that is self care.
Meghan (01:03:30):
Yeah, yeah.
And it was just that somethingnaturally that happened.
So I think too, I'll just end with sayingthat you, a lot of people might already
have these rituals built into their day.
And if you are feeling like you currentlyaren't doing anything for yourself,
just have a look at some of theselittle things that you already do.
(01:03:50):
And, and if you want to add onto that,that's okay, but also acknowledge the
things that you already are doing anduse that, um, As as something in the
positive bank for taking care of yourself.
Danielle (01:04:03):
Absolutely.
Meghan (01:04:05):
Well, thank you so much.
It's been a pleasure.
It's been such a great timechatting with you and learning
about everything that you do.
You are a life coach.
So Maddox and you offerlots of different things.
I follow your YouTube channel nowand I think there's so many great tips
so I'll be sure to put that in theshow notes as a resource for people
(01:04:27):
because short little clips like that Ithink are so easy for people to digest.
So if we don't have time to listen toan audiobook or even a full podcast,
short clips like what you have onyour channel I think are just perfect.
So thank you so much forsharing with us today.
Danielle (01:04:44):
Sure.
Thank you.
And I'm on all the socialmedia except for X.
I'm not on X, but yeah, you can,I am on Tik TOK, Instagram, uh,
LinkedIn and YouTube and Facebook.
Great.
Meghan (01:04:56):
Thank you so much.
Danielle (01:04:58):
All right.
Thank you.
Speaker 2 (01:05:18):
Thank you for joining this week's episode of Anchor Your Dreams.
I hope you enjoyed today'sconversation as much as I did.
A big thank you to our incredible guestsfor sharing their wisdom and insights.
If you resonated with today's episodeand want to explore more about
turning your dreams into reality,Be sure to subscribe to the podcast.
We have a lineup of amazing guestsand valuable content coming your way.
(01:05:42):
Don't forget to connectwith us on social media.
You can find us on Instagram and Facebook.
Share your thoughts, insights,and your own journey using the
hashtag anchor, your dreams.
Head over to our websiteat meganmcquillen.
com in the podcast section, where you'llfind the show notes, resources, and
information about upcoming episodes.
(01:06:03):
Before we wrap up, I want to express mygratitude to each and every one of you.
Your support means the worldto me, and I'm thrilled to
be on this journey with you.
Remember, anchored dreams becomegoals, anchored goals become results.
Until next time, dreambig and stay anchored.
If you are
someone who has a dream, but feelstuck, if you are facing obstacles that
seem overwhelming, or if you just needa dose of motivation to keep pushing
forward, then you are in the right place.
So buckle up dreamers, Anchoryour Dreams is not just a podcast.
(00:26):
It's a community, a community of dreamers,supporting dreamers, women, supporting
women, subscribe, follow along, and let'snavigate the seas of ambition together.
Thank you for joiningme on this adventure.
Get ready to be inspired,motivated, and empowered.
The journey begins now.
(00:49):
Today I'm here with DanielleYoung of Inspired Action Wellness.
Thank you, Danielle, for joining metoday on Anchor Your Dreams podcast.
Before we get into, yourexpertise, what has been your
journey to where you are today?
Danielle (01:03):
Sure.
So, um, I am a survivor of domestic abuse.
Um, that ultimately almost ended my life.
And this has been a long journey,long arduous journey of soul
searching and finding what worksand what doesn't work and, you know,
(01:25):
what's helped and what didn't help.
And then, you know, just sort of weedingout some things and putting some things
in and, you know, um, what I foundthat worked for me was, uh, yoga.
meditation, uh, self inquirypractice, uh, yoga nidra and, um,
(01:46):
and some somatic things as well.
Um, you know, it's taken me, like Isaid, a while to get to this point.
It's an everyday journey for me too.
And I, I teach whathas helped me the most.
Um, I became a master certified,uh, life coach a few years ago.
(02:09):
I became a trauma informedyoga teacher a few years ago.
Um, I became a self inquiry coach,uh, through a year long mentorship
program a couple of years ago.
And now I'm doing somesomatic, uh, training as well.
So really trying to be wellrounded and, you know, just,
(02:30):
you know, selfishly for me too.
But, you know, because I findthat the stuff really helps.
Other people with their trauma.
Meghan (02:40):
I'm noticing like a lot of people go into things that are going
to help them, but it's also because.
They have a desire to help others as well.
So like you said, you know, it's thingsthat selfishly have helped you and
now you want to, and I think havingthat understanding of how it helped
you is what also helps other people.
Danielle (03:03):
Absolutely.
Yeah.
I mean, I went to traditionaltherapy right after.
The, the incident we'll call it.
And when I left that relationship, Idid end up pressing charges against
my abuser, which doesn't happen a lot.
And my attorney advised meto start going to therapy.
(03:23):
And so I did, and it just didn't work.
I didn't find it helpful forme and some people love it.
And that's great.
You know, find what works for you.
But for me, I need moreaction oriented steps.
You know, I needed someoneto say, okay, take this.
Add this or take thisout and then do this.
(03:47):
You know, I really, I needed that.
I needed to reframe and forma new relationship with what
had happened because you don'tever forget what happens.
It's always going to be there.
But if you can form a new relationshipwith it and, you know, rediscover
ways and how to deal with it, itmakes your healing so much easier.
(04:11):
So that's what I found with what I.
With what I do and with whatI've taken on my journey with me.
Meghan (04:20):
You said, Reframed the relationship with what had happened.
I think, I mean, I have had my own,, own experience with trauma in my life.
Um, and I think even for me, like talktherapy never really did a whole lot.
I'm also very action oriented.
(04:41):
And, um, I think that was probablyone of the hardest parts out of all
the healing along my journey was.
Learning to reframe therelationship with what had happened.
Um, and this is one of the things, andmaybe if you don't mind, maybe we can
(05:01):
kind of talk about this a little bitand hear what you have to say about it.
One of the things that I find it's I seea lot of things online, for instance, um,
that whole thing of, you know, it makesyou stronger, like, what you've gone
through makes you stronger, and, andtrying to spin this sort of positive
(05:24):
way of, you wouldn't be who you aretoday if that didn't happen to you,
and then there's, you know, the otherside of it is, you also have to look
at trauma almost like head on you haveto really sort of go into it deeply
kind of bring it all up because andthen you can start to really deal with
(05:48):
it differently and I feel like There'sso many different fragments of trauma
that do show up if we don't actuallydeal with it head on, but those sayings
online and the internet and sort ofthese, these cliche sayings, well, I can
(06:10):
feel that they're true to me now becauseso many years have passed back then.
Um, if someone had said, you're goingto be stronger because of this, um,
I would have really wanted to justblock them out of my life altogether.
Like, I was not ready to hear that.
I'm going to be a stronger personbecause of the trauma or what have you.
(06:31):
So I'm, I'm curious because.
Your, um, what you went throughwas not just something mentally,
it was physically as well.
So you had a whole physicalrecovery and mental recovery.
When I say mental, I alsomean emotional and everything.
And with that is like our nervoussystem recovery, though, because
(06:55):
you're years from having thattrauma, like, what do you see about.
Do you see a positive in someonesaying that and repeating that,
or is there a time and a place?
Danielle (07:09):
So my whole, my whole theory around this whole toxic positivity
thing, um, I feel like it comes frompeople who haven't actually been there
and they're just trained to, to knowthey're like male gynecologists, right?
(07:29):
They haven't actuallybeen in a female body.
They don't know our anatomy.
I mean, they're trainedto know our anatomy.
They're trained to know thethings that we go through.
And I, I feel that way about, about these.
Certain sayings, you know, I feellike they're coming from people who
haven't actually lived the experience,but they're just trained to be
able to say these positive things.
(07:51):
Seeing that it does a couple of things.
Number one, it, when you gothrough this, it makes you feel
like you should be stronger.
It gives you this outcome.
This place to, to, that you feellike you need to already be in.
And everyone's healingjourney is different.
You know, mine probably looked waydifferent than yours and yours is going
(08:12):
to look different than someone else's.
And.
You know, so I feel like these blanketstatements are not healthy, you know,
they're, they're putting this expectationon someone to be normal, to be healthy,
to be over it, to, you know, to be strong,to, you know, to just be this person.
And meanwhile, they're like, wait, I'mjust, I'm just surviving over here.
(08:34):
I don't, I'm living.
in a state of fear.
I'm living in a place where I can'tleave my house, where I'm afraid to
go outside, where I'm afraid to be inpublic, where I'm afraid to be seen.
I feel crappy about myself.
I feel like garbage every day, youknow, but yet I'm going to be stronger.
No, I always like to tell peopleyou can't heal what you don't feel.
(08:59):
You know, when you are feeling all ofthe feels, sit with that, because that
is your body telling you what you need.
Meghan (09:07):
You know, when
Danielle (09:07):
you feel sad, cry.
It does not mean that you needto be strong in that moment.
It means you need to sit with yourself andbe okay with who you are in that moment.
I could go on and on about this.
Meghan (09:24):
Well, I do appreciate your, you know, your perspective on it, because
I do find that these blanket statementsas someone who has gone through, um,
something myself in the past, it's hardto, it's hard to see, it's hard to read,
and, my blood used to boil when I wouldsee things, and I would feel compelled
(09:47):
to, like, get on there and be like, thisis not helping, you know, or like, um,
And now I just, you know, I just kindof look at it and I roll my eyes and
I hope that when someone who does seesomething like that and does feel that
that toxic positivity, , bubbling up.
(10:10):
Or seeing it more and more onlinethat either they take a minute to
just take a deep breath becausethat's what I need to do now.
I just take a deep breath and I justkind of sit with it for a minute and I
remind myself it's easy for that to besaid online and it's easy but nobody out
there really understands the work thatpeople have to do to get to that point.
(10:34):
To even the other sideto feel like, Oh yeah.
Okay.
Cause that's all hindsight.
It's all.
It's all after
Danielle (10:42):
the fact.
Right.
And, you know, social media is,I mean, it's a vortex, right?
I mean, some of it is good, some ofit is bad, but I feel like a lot of
this stuff is just being repostedand reposted by people who are
like, Oh, I like this, you know, butthey don't actually understand it.
But for someone like us, you know, we seethat and we internalize it and someone who
(11:02):
has been on this road, you know, sees thatand they think that something is wrong
with them, that they're not like this.
And that can be so harmfulon a healing journey.
You know, and I, I, I feel like,
I feel like people lack empathy whenit comes to Abuse survivors, you know,
(11:29):
because if you haven't lived it, youknow, you just, you come from this mindset
where like, we'll just get over it, youknow, like you're, you're out of it.
You know, everything should be fine now.
No, healing is law is not linear.
I mean, it is not a straight path.
You're going to havegood days and bad days.
And if you don't have a good supportsystem and people who can, you know, okay.
Meghan (12:01):
Um, well, and that's, and that's just it.
It's not linear.
And there's thingsthat, I know for myself.
Um, even as of recently, there's been asituation with somebody I know and it's
triggered things that I thought weretotally like done like 30 years ago, like
(12:24):
not 30 years ago, but like we're talkingsomething that happened 30 years ago and
now there's things that are triggeringand I'm like, Whoa, wait a minute.
Yeah.
Okay.
And I really have to kind of just like.
Allow those feelings to come up.
And instead of sitting there in thisidea that it shouldn't be happening
(12:48):
and that I shouldn't be triggered, Ijust realized that I just had to let it
all come through and just be okay withwhat's not be okay with it, but, uh, what
I'm trying to say is just acknowledgewhat is happening in that moment.
And I wonder if, if.
(13:09):
Because I think you saidit has been about 20 years.
Um, so do you find the samething sometimes happens for you?
Do you feel that Sometimes somethingcan be said a certain way or a tone of
voice that is used or an action that ismade and all of a sudden you feel like
(13:30):
you're in a space that you were in 15years ago, five years ago, 20 years ago.
Danielle (13:35):
Absolutely.
Yeah.
And those are, those are the momentsthat I'm grateful that I have the tools
that I do because you know, like Isaid, this is your body will carry this.
I mean, it is in every cell of your body.
Whether we like it or not, it's thereand there are things that happen on like
(13:59):
the surface level that go way deeper.
So, you know, something like the look,just a look can set someone off and you're
like, wow, why did that bother me so much?
But if you sit with it, you're goingto find out that maybe somebody in the
third grade looked at you the same way.
(14:21):
And that gave you the senseof, Oh, I'm not liked.
They think I'm ugly.
You know, I mean, and you startcreating these perceptions and
these beliefs about yourself.
And that is what you carry through.
your whole life with, you know,we are given a core set of values
and beliefs by the time we're six.
So those will come through even lateron in life if they're not dealt with.
(14:47):
So, you know, those little teeny tinymoments of like, Oh, that look, or
that tone, like, why is, you know,they're still to this day, like my
husband will say something and I'm,and I'm like, and I'll catch myself.
And it's like, okay, this is me.
This isn't him.
And it took me a really long time.
(15:07):
And that's, you know, I always like to saywe are responsible for our own reactions,
not the reactions of someone else.
So if someone triggers usin that way, that's us.
We have to figure out where it'scoming from and how to deal with it,
because it will continue the cycle.
It will continue carrying oninto other things in life.
(15:31):
And the little things are whatwe need to get control over.
Because if we don't get the little thingsunder control, if the big things are
going to be catastrophic in our own head.
Meghan (15:41):
Mm.
Mm hmm.
For sure.
How did you,
how did you get to that place whereyou were able to see the little
things and start to, to go moreinward and to acknowledge it's your
reaction that you have control over?
Danielle (16:03):
When I started doing self inquiry, so I was an external blamer.
You know, I was this person who thought,well, they looked at me like that.
They shouldn't, theyshouldn't act like that.
You know, they shouldn't do that.
They shouldn't be like that.
They, you know, I was shootingall over people in myself, you
know, and what did that do?
(16:25):
It made me a horrible person.
It made me miserable.
It made me unhappy.
And only when I started doing selfinquiry that I, you know, I was taught.
There are three realms of power, right?
There's your power, what you can control.
You know, you, everything about you.
Then there is their power, them, whoeverthey are, people in your life, external
(16:51):
things that, you know, you can't control.
And then there is like universal power.
The things that you can't controlthe universe, like you can't control
the stars, you can't control likephotosynthesis, you know, we have
no control over those things.
So what we have is control over just us.
So once I started categorizing thingsand seeing that, like, oh, that's a them
problem, and I'll say that now, that'sa them problem, or that's a you problem,
(17:15):
you know, then it really became like,oh, okay, it was, it can, it became
like a light bulb moment, you know.
Like, okay, I, yeah, this is a me problem.
This is a now me problem.
This isn't a future me problem.
Like, I really need to, to get controlover this and to take control over this
and figure out why I feel this gross.
(17:37):
And that's when you sit down, you haveto have a conversation with yourself.
And the first question Ilike to ask is, is this true?
This thought that I'm having.
Am I invisible?
Well, I don't know.
Is it true?
Yes or no?
And that's the first step in self inquiry.
You ask yourself, is the statement true?
Yes or no.
And then there's this whole other listthat we go through and I go through
(17:58):
the list and eventually I'm like,huh, Danielle, you're being a moron.
Okay.
Let it go.
You don't need to carry this becausewhen you care, when you start carrying
other people's burdens, you're just,you are burdening yourself with
things that you don't need to carry.
Meghan (18:19):
Yes.
Um, the label self inquiry, I think.
I love that because I think For me,that's definitely something that I've
been able to do a lot more, but I neverreally had a label so to speak for it.
And, um, being, being open and curiousto where things come from or, or what
(18:47):
might've triggered something or a seriesor sequence sequence of thoughts and
actions, I think is one of the, One of thenumber one things that has helped me in a
lot of, um, changes over the last coupleof years, because I, too, was more of
like a, it's a them thing, um, and should,you know, should on everybody, should
(19:15):
on myself, um, and I, I started going Alot more sort of inward and everything.
I don't know, eight years ago, I'll say.
And even like, it's taken me a longtime to get to where I am today.
Starting that sort of realjourney eight years ago.
(19:36):
And, um, the victim mindset, I think,um, you know, and one of the things
that you had mentioned is that youreally love to empower women to
come out of that victim mindset.
And I think that that is.
Where really everything sort ofchanged for me is when I stopped
(20:00):
looking at myself as a victim.
And when I started to look atmyself, um, as having more control,
because for so many years, uh, that thishelplessness, um, took over and it was
(20:23):
just like, yeah, I would make choicesin my life and do certain things, right?
Like I, I chose to have childrenand chose to do this and do that.
But in between all of that andunderneath all of that was.
Um, and it's about a feeling ofbeing out of control and a victim to
everything that was happening around me.
Danielle (20:44):
So
Meghan (20:46):
in, in sort of the theme of the podcast and anchoring our dreams, I think
getting out of that victim mindset isreally how we can get to our goals and get
to where we want and live out our dreams.
Um, so can you share a little bit about,um, sort of how you were able to come
(21:09):
out of that mindset given your trauma?
Um, and the domestic violence, and Ifeel like the word victim itself, um,
kind of has a negative connotation to it.
So, from your perspective,Please do share.
Danielle (21:27):
Yeah.
So I, when I left this, um, abusiverelationship, I had a three week old
daughter and I knew that if I was goingto be the kind of mother that she needed,
I needed to get a grip on my life.
(21:47):
I needed to be who she needed me to be.
So that was really the catalyst for me tojust put one foot in front of the other.
I'm not saying it was easy.
There were days, I mean, There were yearsin there that I could not put one foot
(22:09):
in front of the other, that I lived infear, that I, you know, became agoraphobic
because I couldn't leave my house.
I was so afraid he was going to find us.
And
I, I think I just, I had this innatesense that no matter what, I still
(22:34):
needed to be a functioning human.
And I didn't take on any labels.
I didn't think of myself as a victim.
I just thought, you knowwhat, this happened to me and
now I need to deal with it.
I did start off, you know, with thewhy, like why did this happen to me?
(22:58):
Why did I let this happen to me?
And I, and that's totally normal now.
You know, now that, now that I knowthat that's normal, but at the time
I just, it put me in this mindset ofvictim, but I didn't give it that label.
Um, when I started moving forward and Igot into a new relationship with my now
(23:21):
husband, I started to see, you know what,there are people out there that are good.
You know, there are, there are people outthere that can love me without hurting
me because I equated love with hurt.
You know, I thought that to be that Youknow, well, he loved me because, you know,
(23:41):
if he didn't love me, he wouldn't be socontrolling, you know, he wants me here.
So he, he, no, it was total manipulationand mind control and gaslighting.
So when I got into this newrelationship and we went very slow,
very, very slow, he and I were like,no, we're gonna, you stay over there.
(24:08):
I'm going to stay over here and we'lljust communicate every now and then.
And I think that really helped too,because I started to learn that I could
trust again, that I could trust him,that I could be in a space that was
safe, that, that wasn't going to hurt me.
(24:29):
And that's when I really started to feelmore, like, self aware, I guess, of, wow,
I really didn't feel like this before.
You know, I didn't feel like thisbeing with, and I call him stupid,
my abuser, I call him stupid.
So I really didn't feel likethis was stupid, and wow, I
didn't know this was possible.
And then I just kind of built off of that.
(24:51):
You know, if I can feel likethis, What else can I feel like?
You know, what other positivethings can I, can I feel?
You know, and it was like, itjust started becoming this,
this challenge within myself.
Like, okay, what, what can I do today?
You know, like I'm going to, and I juststarted, you know, started very small.
(25:13):
And I just started putting myselfinto the world just a little tiny bit
more, you know, I could finally walkaround the neighborhood, you know,
I could finally get in my car andgo places, you know, we moved across
the country and that really helped.
And I just, I just said, Okay,I'm gonna make up my mind.
(25:34):
This is this is me moving forward.
And that's really kind ofhow it all, it all started.
And he was super supportive.
So that helped too.
Meghan (25:45):
Yeah.
Well, yeah, I, I, youneed to feel safe, right?
Number one, like the only wayto get out of survival mode.
is to start to feel safe.
And it sounds like you had asupport system through him.
He was very, it sounds like verypatient, I think, um, which is a huge,
(26:10):
huge thing when, when anyone is tryingto, um, heal his, the people around
us to, to have patients with us,because like you said, it's not linear.
Um, So, so it sounds like younever, you didn't label, um, it as
being sort of in a victim mindset.
(26:30):
You started taking action basedon an innate feeling that you had,
Danielle (26:35):
um,
Meghan (26:36):
and were able to push yourself just a little bit more and a little
bit more and a little bit more.
Did you ever stop and be like,like, were you able to stop and,
and see the growth that you made?
Or was it just kind of happening andhappening and happening and compounding
to a point where it just started tofeel lighter and different for you?
Danielle (27:00):
Yeah.
Um, I never, I didn't everstop and think about it.
Um, I was just living life,
you know, I'm not a labels person.
I don't, I don't sit back and go, wow,look how far I've come now that never.
That I didn't actually do until justrecently where I'm like, wow, yeah,
(27:24):
look at what I have overcome and gottenthrough and man, I just didn't think
about it because I was in survivalmode for so long that it was just
like, okay, I have this responsibility.
I have this responsibility.
I have this responsibility.
And it just all became like this,you know, my life became very rote.
It became like, okay, I'm just gonna live.
(27:46):
Live like this, keep movingforward, keep going on.
And I didn't ever reallystop to look back.
I knew that I couldn't look back
Meghan (27:55):
and I didn't
Danielle (27:55):
want to, because if I, if I looked back, that meant
I was going to go back there.
And that was part of me not facing whathad happened because I thought I'll just.
shove it under the rug.
You know, I'll just,I'll stuff it all down.
I'll deal with it in my own way.
(28:16):
And I'm, I'm never going to look back now.
I know it was the wrongway to deal with things.
But at the time it was like, that'swhat I felt like I needed to do
to just live.
Meghan (28:39):
So you said that was the wrong way.
What would you say thenwould be the right way?
Danielle (28:47):
I would have dealt with my feelings.
I would not have shoved everything down.
So I come from a familythat is very stoic.
We don't share our feelings.
We don't talk to therapists.
We, you know, that's just not a thing.
You know, if something happensto us, we keep it all inside.
I mean, it's just, it's not a thing.
(29:08):
You deal with it within yourselfand you find comfort and solace
in your own self and that's it.
You know, my family is very unemotional.
Very shame based, very, you know,I love them, love them dearly, but
now I know that that is not reallya great way to handle things.
(29:30):
And
so that's what I didbecause I did what I knew.
You know, I did what I knew how todo and I did what I was taught to do.
And then when I learned better, when Iknew better and I'm like, Oh, you mean
I can actually deal with my feelings.
I can deal with my emotions.
Like how do I do that?
(29:52):
And that's when yoga really kind ofhelped me was because I could sit in
yoga and I would lay on my mat and cry.
That became my safe space forme for a really, and still is.
If I'm feeling all spun out in the world,um, and I, you know, I'm just like, okay,
I just need to take a mental break here.
(30:14):
I'll get out my mat and justlay down on it and just breathe
because that is my safe space.
And I, I teach that to my clients,like find something in your home
that you can go to that is safe.
For you, whatever that looks like, andwhether it's like I have a meditation
corner, you know, and be in that safespace so you can feel what, what comes up
(30:38):
because whatever comes up, it's coming upto go, you know, don't be afraid of it.
Yeah, it, it's, it'swanting to be released.
Because when you hold it down, you'reonly creating more pain within yourself
and it will prolong your healing.
It will, I mean, it will do horriblethings to your body, both physically,
(31:01):
physiologically, biologically.
I mean, we can have aconversation about that all day.
Meghan (31:07):
You know,
Danielle (31:08):
I have an autoimmune disorder because of it.
So, you know, and I haveadrenal fatigue because of it.
So, you know, learninghow to move and flow.
With whatever's coming up is.
And I think that's like,number one, that's key.
And the first thing that Igo through with, with people
(31:29):
is nervous system regulation.
You know, we've got to get yournervous system back to where you can
sit and you can be with what comes up.
Because if you can't heal what's comingup, you're never going to move forward.
Mm
Meghan (31:45):
hmm.
Danielle (31:46):
You know, if you can't recognize that this emotion
is coming up for me, okay.
What do I need right now?
And do that for yourself.
How can you expect yourself to fully heal?
You know?
Yeah.
You have to embrace everything aboutyou in order to embrace everything
(32:12):
fully about everything else.
Meghan (32:15):
It's so true.
And I think that's also goingback to the toxic positivity.
I think
everybody wants everyoneto feel good all the time.
Yeah.
Danielle (32:27):
Yeah.
Meghan (32:28):
And when we're trying to suppress our own stuff and we're just trying
to be like, Oh, today's a good day.
Today's going to be a positive day.
And someone else isgoing through something.
We're wanting them to feel positiveso that we can still feel positive
and live in this like little bitof a Bubble around, you know,
(32:50):
what's happening in our own lives
Because I do find too that that's huge issort of the shared energy but also I have
now found being with people and aroundpeople who are willing to To sit with
their emotions and really go through it.
(33:10):
I'm much more attracted to be shitwithin shared energy with them,
no matter what their energy levelis, if that makes sense, like
Danielle (33:22):
totally.
Yeah, no, it totally makes sense, youknow, because when you start, because
everything is energy, right, when yougive off this negative energy, when
you're harboring so much negativityand so much hatred for yourself, how
is anyone else supposed to love you?
How is anyone else supposedto want to be around you?
(33:44):
You know, that's the vibe you'regiving off is that I don't love myself.
Therefore I'm in this world feelinglike no one else should love me
because how can I love myself?
You know, so when you start to erasethat energy, when you start to get
out of that negativity and you'relike, man, no, I'm not unlovable.
Really, I'm not.
I am lovable as I am.
(34:06):
I'm in this world.
I am taking up the spacethat I, that I need for me.
And you will start attracting peoplewho are attracted to that energy.
You will start attractingbetter people into your life.
I mean, that's why we keep repeatingthese, you know, toxic relationships,
because you haven't healed What, youknow, what that toxic trait was that
(34:32):
was attracting all of these people healit so you can start, you know, being
with like, you know, like attracts like.
Meghan (34:40):
Mm hmm.
Yes.
Danielle (34:42):
Simple science.
Meghan (34:44):
So, so simple.
And one of the, one of the things that,um, just, you know, these things are
simple in theory and then in practice.
Right.
And that's the thing that I have learnedtoo, but it's also a point of where we can
just give ourselves a little bit of grace.
(35:05):
Like, yes, we can.
We can have these conversations, we canread the books, we can, we can listen to
the podcast, we can do all the things, butreally, at the same time, we do have to
give some energy to the practice of thesemethods and these things that, that help.
Um, for instance, you know,one of the things, Especially
(35:29):
being an entrepreneur, right?
It, it does.
It, it's a lot.
It takes a lot of energy.
Um, women who are also mothers, likewe shared, you know, sometimes we
don't know how our day is going to go.
We're going to get it either.
Our kids are going to end up being athome and we've got this planned and
that planned, or we get a call fromthe school saying, come pick me up.
(35:50):
Um, and being an entrepreneur,everything starts and ends with us.
So what are some tips?
Um, that you have for, for stayingmotivated and, um, getting through some
of those lows and challenging times.
Danielle (36:10):
My, so my biggest thing that I preach is self compassion, self care.
You have got it.
Like you said, you've gotto give yourself some grace.
You know, you cannot be expected toperform 100 percent all the time.
That's where burnout comes inand it will come in very quickly.
(36:33):
I mean, If you are not, if you'reconstantly running and you're, you're
going to be running on empty, youhave to fill yourself up first.
So what I like to tellpeople is just set aside.
I don't care if it's 10minutes, 10 minutes a day.
I like to have a morning routine.
That's my time.
I get up.
I do my thing.
(36:54):
Everybody else knowsyou stay away from mom.
Don't breathe on me.
Don't look in my direction.
You know, like you, this is my time.
And.
I am a huge believer in taking time forourselves first thing in the morning
because that is what starts off our day.
So we can be prepared forwhatever hits us later on.
(37:17):
So I get up, I meditate, um, I get mycoffee, I make my bed, I, you know,
I brush my teeth, shower, whatever.
I might do a couple of yoga poses.
I might go work out.
It just depends on the day, but thatfor me sets the standard for what I will
(37:41):
allow in my day, if that makes any sense.
So when I start the day off in agood headspace, every, I can deal
with whatever comes up, right?
And I can give myself that grace,like, okay, this just sidetracked me.
Okay, it's fine.
It's okay.
(38:02):
Let's maneuver.
We'll pivot.
And then, you know, and thenwe'll, uh, we'll come back
around to whatever we're doing.
But I just feel like itputs you in a better flow.
You know, you're able to justflow better throughout the day.
You're able to just accept things asthey come and just, you know, sort
of like be in the world as you are.
Meghan (38:21):
Hmm.
Yes.
I, I think morning routines.
Um,
and I know, and I'll just speakfrom my own experience as a, as a
mom who, um, my husband works away.
(38:42):
So I'm, I'm speaking from a place of beinga solo parent, um, as I call it, I'm not
single, but I am solo some of the timeand all, all, you know, I, the routine.
The things that I need in the morningfor the longest time just got pushed
aside and pushed aside, you know,okay, I'm going to go have a shower.
(39:05):
Oh, you need something.
Okay.
Okay.
I guess my shower, you know what I mean?
And for the longesttime, that's what I did.
I, I, I was there for everybody else.
Um, and even, even thoughI mostly work from home.
That's been a whole other side of the
(39:28):
spectrum of it because I still do it.
I still am like, Oh, well, but I'm home.
So in, you know, I'll get thekids off to school and then I'll
come home and then I'll do this.
But then work mode comes into play andI'm like, Oh no, I got to get work done.
And those are those days when Idon't take the time for myself.
(39:50):
Those are those days where I do feel like.
I am by afternoon or when thekids are getting home from school.
I am, I'm done because I haven'ttaken that time for my routine.
Um, and yeah, so I think thatmorning routines and taking that
(40:11):
time and, and like you said, andhow you, um, articulated it is it
allows us because we've essentiallywe've regulated our nervous system.
We've gotten up.
And we've taken care of ourselves.
Our nervous system is in,um, that regulated mode.
And something that comes up that mightfeel chaotic, we are regulated that
(40:39):
it's easier for us to handle and todeal with and actually think about it
from a standpoint of critical thinking.
And acknowledging what we have controlover versus when we are not regulated,
we haven't taken that time, we don'treally think about things from a
critical standpoint, we think aboutthings from a chaotic standpoint, and
(41:04):
then we're reacting to the situation.
So, and it's a good reminder.
Like, I, like I said, I'm, I have my dayswhere I'm like, yeah, routine, let's go.
And then other days I'm like routine.
What's a routine.
Danielle (41:22):
Yeah, same.
I mean, it is, it is hard, youknow, when, when you are an
entrepreneur, it is really.
It is really hard to set thoseboundaries, but, you know, they're
crucial, you know, setting boundariesis with anything is crucial, you know,
and I even do it in evening routine,you know, that way I know I have
(41:43):
something to look forward to that way.
If my day goes completely offthe rails, I know that at seven
o'clock at night, that is my time.
No, my door closes.
I put a sign.
I it's like basically do notdisturb mom at this point.
Um, I will go in my room.
I'll do like a face mask.
I'll do, you know, some meditation.
I'll just sit, I'll journal, writemy gratitudes out for the day, you
(42:08):
know, because that is, I'll braindump, you know, I'll just start
journaling, you know, like, Hey, thishappened today and get it all on paper.
So I'm not going to sleep with it.
And that for me has been a big help too.
You know, just journaling, getting it allout before bed, and then going to sleep
with this clear, with clarity almost.
(42:32):
So I would, yeah, I mean that, I lovehaving morning and evening routines.
If you can only do one or the other,then hey, or take a five minute break in
the middle of the day and just breathe.
Meghan (42:44):
You know,
Danielle (42:46):
whether you're sitting at your desk or whether you're sitting in
your car, just close your eyes, takea deep breath, and just breathe, tell
yourself, I'm okay in this moment.
Meghan (42:57):
Yes.
Danielle (42:58):
I love little things like that.
Meghan (43:00):
And I think for some people who do, who, who are more structured.
In their days and everything, havingspecific times, but also acknowledging
that if we need to take an extrafive in the middle of the day, like
that's okay if that's what you need.
And like you said, if we'refeeling some kind of way.
(43:23):
And the tears start coming.
Just, just allow it,allow it in that moment.
You don't even have to understandwhy or where it's coming from.
Um, but just allow it and everything.
And yeah, I think that that's all thosethings are so important, especially, um,
When we are so busy and we do tend totake on so much, I think as, as women in
(43:48):
general and, and mothers and everything wedo, we, we do tend to, um, take on other
people's emotions and other people's.
You know, Kate chaos in there, you know,it's natural kids, you know, we want to
help and fix and do and be, um, but we dohave to take care of ourselves when one
(44:11):
of these things that someone mentionedto me so many years ago, and it was like,
just so helpful at that time of my life.
And it was just like this reminder thatwe need to put our oxygen masks on first.
Like we really can't help anyone aroundus if we don't have our oxygen mask on.
(44:32):
And it was like, Oh, like so simplethe way she said it and the way she
worded it, but it was so profound,you know, like that's, um, yeah.
So you've mentioned, um,you've mentioned a few things.
One of the things that I, I do want tosort of go back to as well is dispelling
(44:55):
the myths regarding domestic violence andhow trauma affects the body physically
and mentally because you did talk abouthow, you know, our bodies really do hold
on to things and we can work on ourselves.
Or think that we're working onourselves and going through this healing
journey, but our bodies will remindus sometimes where we're actually at.
(45:20):
Um, can you, do you want to talk a littlebit about some strategies for, for that?
Danielle (45:28):
So for when you get triggered or?
Meghan (45:31):
Well, just like when, like acknowledging what's
happening in our bodies.
Like if.
We've gone through trauma.
Our bodies remember it.
We are actively working on tryingto be on this healing journey.
We're giving ourselves grace and thenall of a sudden we might feel a bit of
a setback within our physical selves.
Danielle (45:52):
So that's normal.
Um, completely normal to feel setbacks.
The first step really in traumahealing is nervous system regulation.
I'll say it time and time again.
You know, if we, because what happensis physiologically our body will
go, our nervous system will go intowhat's called our sympathetic nervous
(46:17):
system, which is fight or flight.
And that switch will constantly be on.
You know, that is there for uswhen we're running from the tiger.
You know, when we are in a perceivedthreat, it doesn't, the tiger
doesn't even have to be there.
It's a perceived threat thatwe feel is going to harm us.
(46:38):
Our body flips into that mode.
Adrenaline starts surging,cortisol starts surging.
Our bodies prepare to,to, to battle, basically.
And when you are stuck in that state overa long period of time, and I can speak
to this because I have numerous medicalissues resulting from this, your adrenal
(47:00):
glands, which produce your cortisol,are gonna, they're gonna baseline.
They're, they're gonna, actuallythey're not even gonna baseline.
They're going to completelystop functioning, or they
will be at low function.
That's gonna start creating some problems.
It being stuck in fight or flightalso affects your hormones.
(47:22):
It affects your, uh, mental ability.
You can start to developlike autoimmune disorders.
Not learning how to switch over and tobring yourself back into a parasympathetic
state, which is rest and digest.
(47:43):
That's where your body goes.
Okay, I'm safe.
I can stop the cortisol production.
I can stop the adrenaline.
You know, we're going to bringeverything back into homeostasis.
which is like the body's natural state.
We can relax.
We're okay.
That perceived thought of fear is gone.
You know, you're not in a heightenedstate of awareness all the time.
(48:07):
Bringing us back into thatis going to be easier.
When you're in that state, itwill be easier to deal with when
things come up and your bodyneeds to switch back into that.
Fight or flight mode.
(48:28):
If you're constantly in fight orflight, your body's not going to know
the difference because it could besomeone's chasing you, or it could
be like, you forgot your phone,but your, your body is going to be
like, Oh my God, what is happening?
You know, you're alwaysgoing to be hypervigilant.
You know, you, I don't want to gettoo scientific about this, but, um, it
(48:54):
will start activating things that aregoing to be detrimental to your health.
So switch, learn how to come out ofthat and come into the parasympathetic.
Meghan (49:14):
And to come into the parasympathetic and, and
learning how to come out of that.
Is that, that's going to bedifferent for, for everybody.
Some people like you so, Perhapsgoing into, uh, breathwork
might be work for some people.
Do you have other, um, tools forgetting into that parasympathetic?
Danielle (49:40):
Yep.
So, um, breathwork is a huge one.
I, I love breathwork.
There are a lot of other likesomatic techniques that we can do.
Um, there's one that I like to do.
It's like a, it's like an energy dischargewhere you just kind of stand up and you
just kind of shake and you know, you kindof just get out all that energy and then
you just stand there and you just breathe.
(50:02):
Um, that's another big one.
Um, there is a practice in yoganidra that I like to do, um, sort of
an energy diffusion, um, technique.
So yeah, there are,there are some options.
Um, vagal nerve toning is another option.
Uh, singing, humming, you know, doingthings that will activate the vagus nerve.
(50:23):
That's going to be.
big ones, you know,those will be big ones.
Um, yeah, I mean, there's a wholehost of things that we can do to, you
know, bring your nervous system down.
Meghan (50:35):
I like the energy discharge, like even just those two words, no
matter what action you take to get there,the idea of Discharging that energy.
Um, I, I, like I, I had a whole visualof, of the energy discharging and
it bringing me like right back andthen being able to feel my breath.
(50:58):
Um, I, it's really interesting.
I have a really hard time with breathwork and I always have for some reason.
Um, and I remember being like in acounselor's office and them being
like, just take a deep breath.
And I was like, I just, you know, partof me just wanted to swear and curse
(51:19):
and be like, you don't even understand.
I can't do that.
Like, give me some other tool.
But nobody had any other tools.
There was no talk about energydischarging or even using our body.
Um, so just hearing the words energydischarge really just, Kind of was like,
(51:41):
like an aha, like, yeah, it's okay ifyou can't sit and take a deep breath,
if you need to stand up and shake yourbody, if you need to hum, if you need
to put on, I don't know, a heavy metaland sing, like whatever, whatever works.
And I think that is, I thinkthat is, Sort of what I think a
lot, what we really need to, um,
(52:06):
put more weight on is thateach person is so unique.
Each person needs on getting fromone state of your nervous system into
another or reverse up, um, upregulate,upregulate or downregulate, it's all
going to look different and you mighthave to try like a handful of things until
(52:29):
you find the right combination for you.
And that's why I love talking toDifferent people, um, because everyone
has something that works different.
Everybody's way of even talkingabout these things is different.
And for some people, like I have,like you, like with how you express
(52:51):
things today, I was like, Oh yeah,that makes so much sense to me.
And I feel like that's whyit's so important to sometimes
even talk about some of.
the same things over and over, butwe're going to hear it differently.
It's going to land differently.
Someone's perspective or life storyis going to resonate differently.
(53:11):
So yeah.
Danielle (53:13):
Yeah.
Healing is definitely not a one sizefits all, you know, there definitely
is not one solution for everyone.
Everybody's trauma sits differently.
Everyone's healing looks different.
You know, I mean, There are somany and I think that's what
everyone tried to do before.
Oh, just go to therapy.
Well, okay, but sometimes thatworks and sometimes it doesn't.
You know, it's a great tool,um, if it works for you.
(53:39):
But sometimes they're, like people likeus, need something a little bit more
and that's when, you know, we reallyneed to be open to more suggestions
of things that could potentially work.
And that's why it took me 20 years.
I mean, you know, I was just goingthrough so many things trying
to find something that worked.
And sometimes it's not one thing.
(54:00):
Sometimes it's, you know,a combination of things.
Like I have four or five thingsthat I, tools in my tool belt
that work the best for me.
And those four or five thingsmight not work for you.
They might not work for one of my clients.
You know, they might not workfor, you know, whomever else,
but you know, they're available.
So I think if we just are open totaking what's available and seeing what
(54:22):
works, it's going to be so beneficial.
And I'm always a hugefan for a rage playlist.
Like I I'm, I mean, you know, even if youjust put it on and you like run around
your living room and you're just screamingat the top of your lungs, I mean, do it.
(54:42):
You know, what is stopping you?
You know, it's totally fine.
Have the rage playlist.
Have the cry playlist too.
I have a cry playlist.
When I just, when I want to be sadand I want to sit in that energy,
okay, I'm going to give it to, I'mjust going to give this to myself now.
I'm going to sit here with thisand then it's like, okay, I'm done.
(55:03):
I'm over it.
Yeah, have it.
Do what you need to do.
It is not, not a one solution.
Meghan (55:13):
No, it's not.
And, you know, and that's, I think that'sthe other thing is it took me years
to also understand that as well formyself, you know, because like, yeah,
you know, everyone's like counselling,counselling, counselling, counselling.
No, I remember being, um, young andMy mom, I know she was coming from
(55:34):
a place of really trying to helpme, but it was just like, you're
grounded until you go to counseling.
And I'm like, yeah, this doesn't work.
Like it just, and, and unfortunatelywhat was happening was I was
just feeling the opposite effect.
Right.
I then just instead became angry thatI was being forced to do something,
Danielle (55:56):
um,
Meghan (55:56):
you know, But, you know, at the end of the day, it, it
has, it has taken me years.
To understand what does work for me.
And that doesn't mean thatin 10 years that yeah, going
somewhere and talking might work.
So sometimes even revisitingthings that we've once tried
(56:17):
didn't work in that timeframe.
Doesn't mean that it may notwork in our future either.
Um, but, um, we're, we're kindof, the time is kind of we're in
there, but one of the things, um,I was on your YouTube channel.
Okay.
And one of the things that Icame across that I thought I hope
(56:39):
that you can share on the podcasttoday is reclaiming our voice.
You had some tips for peopleto reclaim their voice.
Could you share those today?
Danielle (56:52):
Yeah.
So, um, first step is to, I mean, there's,there's quite a few, I'm not sure which
ones I gave on that video, but, um, thefirst one is, you know, just say no.
If you are in my peoplepleasers, I love ya.
You've got to learn to say no.
(57:14):
You know, how that otherperson reacts is not up to you.
You know, let them react how they'regoing to react, but say no to something
that you would normally say yes to,you know, say no, I'm really not.
I really don't want to do this.
Um, another good one is, um, youknow, be around people who you can.
(57:39):
say things to.
If you are around people thatyou can't voice your opinion
to, those are not your people.
I don't care if it's family,friends, they're not your people.
So find a tribe that you can, youknow, be authentically you in.
(58:01):
And then, You know, if you're everin a situation or, you know, like
even with friends, it doesn't matter.
Just speak up, you know, just say,voice an opinion, like say something.
And again, how theyreact is how they react.
But know that every time you dothat, you're doing two things.
Number one, you are empoweringyourself to do it some more.
(58:24):
And number two, you are findingout who your people are.
Because if, if you say, if you voicean opinion and they're like, Oh,
you know, pearl clutching, um, thenyou know they're not your people.
And no matter what you say, you are,or no matter what you do, you're
never going to fit in with them.
You know, you're never going to beable to feel like yourself around them.
(58:46):
So it's really just owning like,Hey, I have a, I have a voice, I have
an opinion and being okay with it.
And, you know, even just in littlesituations, like even over coffee
with a friend, you know, voice andopinion, and they might surprise you.
If you feel like, Oh, I can'tsay that to that person.
Say it.
They might surprise you in how theyreact and again, it doesn't matter how
(59:12):
they react you got what you needed outAnd that's the most important thing.
Meghan (59:18):
Mm hmm.
I love that.
Thank you so much for those tips.
I think reclaiming our voice It's suchan important thing and how you put it,
you know, we're gonna build trust withinourselves And eventually, the people,
like, people who do react, it's, it'sgonna unfaze us, it's gonna roll off our
(59:39):
back, and we're just gonna keep going,like, Okay, that was that was their thing.
Um, but if we are not used to beingable to do that, it's definitely
a building trust within ourselves.
And like you said, if it's surroundingourselves with people who we can
say things to that aren't going toreact, and that's our starting point,
(01:00:00):
and then moving ourselves out intothe different, you know, groups of
people, and things like that, too.
And just, you know, Keep going.
It is.
It's, it's building the trust.
And then eventually we're goingto be amazed by those people,
those people, those, um, asyou called it, pearl clutchers.
Danielle (01:00:21):
Yeah.
You have to honor yourselffirst because at the end of
the day, you are what you have.
And if you don't honor yourself,you can't expect anyone else to.
Meghan (01:00:35):
I love that.
And on that note, honoringourselves with time.
I'm going to, um, just wrap it up here.
Is there any other points that, um, wereimportant for you to bring up today?
Danielle (01:00:53):
Uh, no, I think we pretty much covered, covered a lot.
Um, no, just honor yourself, boundaries.
You set the standard forhow people treat you.
Meghan (01:01:06):
Thank you so much, Danielle, for being on the podcast today and
sharing your story and your tips.
Um, I know that the listeners willhave so many different things to try.
And what I love too, is that theseare all things that people can
do in the comfort of their home.
Things that they can utilize,and create that safe space.
(01:01:27):
Uh, I just want to say, I thinkthat was also such an important.
Uh, thing for me as well.
I actually, without even realizingthat I had done this, my bedroom
has, is my safe space in my home.
It's I chose a few years ago, I waslistening to an audio book and it was
(01:01:47):
talking about making your bed every day.
And I was like, yeah, you knowwhat, I'm going to do that.
I'm going to make my bed every day.
And part of it is because when I go toa hotel and the bed is made, it just,
a certain way and the sheets are alltucked in and it looks all nice like
it gives me this like restful feelingit gives me this feeling when I pull
(01:02:09):
back those covers of just like ah andI was like I need to do that in my own
space in my own bed so I started makingmy bed every day and then because my
bed was made and my room was tidy Irealized I started retreating to my room.
When I started feeling like other thingsaround me were out of my control and a
(01:02:30):
little chaotic and toys were everywhere.
Um, so my room, I just, yeah.
And, and I started torealize that as well.
As I said, my husband works away.
He's a bit of a Tasmanian devil.
So when he comes home, like,you know, he's been home.
And I've literally been like, Okay,like, I know this is your room, too.
(01:02:52):
But I need to understand thatthis is actually also my very
safe, sacred space in this house.
It's the one place that I feellike I can retreat to and I need
you to pick up after yourself.
Danielle (01:03:06):
Yeah, you know, and that also gives us a sense of control.
Yeah.
And things because that'sthe thing we can do.
We can make our bed.
We, those are the things we can control.
So when the world feels out ofcontrol, we have the things we can,
we can come in and we can control.
And you know, that is, that is a formof self care, honestly, making your
bed every day, you know, doing thoselittle rituals that is self care.
Meghan (01:03:30):
Yeah, yeah.
And it was just that somethingnaturally that happened.
So I think too, I'll just end with sayingthat you, a lot of people might already
have these rituals built into their day.
And if you are feeling like you currentlyaren't doing anything for yourself,
just have a look at some of theselittle things that you already do.
(01:03:50):
And, and if you want to add onto that,that's okay, but also acknowledge the
things that you already are doing anduse that, um, As as something in the
positive bank for taking care of yourself.
Danielle (01:04:03):
Absolutely.
Meghan (01:04:05):
Well, thank you so much.
It's been a pleasure.
It's been such a great timechatting with you and learning
about everything that you do.
You are a life coach.
So Maddox and you offerlots of different things.
I follow your YouTube channel nowand I think there's so many great tips
so I'll be sure to put that in theshow notes as a resource for people
(01:04:27):
because short little clips like that Ithink are so easy for people to digest.
So if we don't have time to listen toan audiobook or even a full podcast,
short clips like what you have onyour channel I think are just perfect.
So thank you so much forsharing with us today.
Danielle (01:04:44):
Sure.
Thank you.
And I'm on all the socialmedia except for X.
I'm not on X, but yeah, you can,I am on Tik TOK, Instagram, uh,
LinkedIn and YouTube and Facebook.
Great.
Meghan (01:04:56):
Thank you so much.
Danielle (01:04:58):
All right.
Thank you.
Speaker 2 (01:05:18):
Thank you for joining this week's episode of Anchor Your Dreams.
I hope you enjoyed today'sconversation as much as I did.
A big thank you to our incredible guestsfor sharing their wisdom and insights.
If you resonated with today's episodeand want to explore more about
turning your dreams into reality,Be sure to subscribe to the podcast.
We have a lineup of amazing guestsand valuable content coming your way.
(01:05:42):
Don't forget to connectwith us on social media.
You can find us on Instagram and Facebook.
Share your thoughts, insights,and your own journey using the
hashtag anchor, your dreams.
Head over to our websiteat meganmcquillen.
com in the podcast section, where you'llfind the show notes, resources, and
information about upcoming episodes.
(01:06:03):
Before we wrap up, I want to express mygratitude to each and every one of you.
Your support means the worldto me, and I'm thrilled to
be on this journey with you.
Remember, anchored dreams becomegoals, anchored goals become results.
Until next time, dreambig and stay anchored.
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