October 28, 2025 • 22 mins
For many women with ADHD, burnout doesn’t start with chaos it starts quietly. The slow burn builds in the background as we push harder, over-function, and hold everything together until it all gives way.
In this episode of Angry on the Inside, Jess and Jeannine unpack the hidden signs of the slow burn, the exhaustion you dismiss, the scaffolding you build to stay afloat, and the moment you realize willpower isn’t enough anymore.
Through humor, honesty, and lived experience, they name what ADHD women often don’t recognize: the creeping overwhelm that comes before collapse. If you’ve ever wondered why “holding it together” feels harder every year, this one’s for you.
Topics include: ADHD burnout, late diagnosis, executive-function fatigue, masking, medical gaslighting, and finding self-compassion when the system breaks down.
You’re not alone in this and it’s not just you.
🎧 What ADHD Women Don’t Recognize: The Slow Burn Before Burnout Chapters (Exact Transcript Timestamps)00:00 – Juggling Everything Jeannine opens with the quiet chaos of balancing work, family, and the invisible load of ADHD life.
00:45 – Naming the Slow Burn Jess defines the “slow burn” the exhaustion and cracks in the armor that appear long before burnout.
01:45 – Jeannine’s Story: Losing Structure Jeannine shares how staying home upended her scaffolding and led to recognizing her ADHD.
04:03 – Jess’s Story: When the Structure Fades Jess reflects on losing her anchors smoking, kids’ routines, motivation and seeing herself change.
07:18 – Dopamine and the Disappearing Drive They unpack ADHD, menopause, and the loss of natural motivation that turns daily life into survival.
08:43 – Comparing ADHD Stories A reminder that ADHD looks different for every woman comparison only fuels shame.
09:53 – When You “Should” Be Happy but Aren’t How meeting life’s goals can still feel hollow when executive function collapses.
11:42 – The Burnout Loop Jess and Jeannine discuss chasing unrealistic standards that drain the body and brain.
15:26 – Misdiagnosis and Medical Gaslighting Many ADHD women are mislabeled with anxiety or depression before getting the right diagnosis.
19:12 – The Shame Cycle How “doing everything right” can still fail and the loneliness of feeling broken with no answers.
20:00 – Running Out of Willpower Jess explains how discipline and willpower eventually collapse under ADHD burnout.
22:03 – The Warning Before Burnout Jess’s reflection and Jeannine’s closing reminder: burnout isn’t failure it’s your system asking for help.
ADHD women, ADHD burnout, ADHD slow burn, executive dysfunction, masking, medical gaslighting, late-diagnosed ADHD, burnout recovery, neurodivergent exhaustion.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
you've been juggling all the things, work, family, mental list and you've made it work,until suddenly you don't.
(00:07):
start to drop the ball, miss deadlines, forget everything.
And you're like, what the hell is wrong with me?
if you're like so many women who were diagnosed with ADHD later in life, you probablyremember exactly when this happened, when your ADHD finally came into focus.
Welcome back, I'm Jess.
and I'm Janine.
and this is angry on the inside.
(00:28):
Quick disclaimer, we're not doctors or therapist.
we are certified ADHD coaches, but this podcast isn't coaching.
It's two late diagnosed women unpacking what we've lived.
Take what resonates, leave what doesn't, and remember, you're not alone.
Today, we're naming the part no one talks about,
The path to the tipping point, is a slow burn.
(00:51):
um This is when cracks sort of start to form in your armor.
you're still in a position where you can explain them away.
you're, holding it together, but it does take a lot more energy than it used to.
we start to hear ourselves say,
I'll get caught up on my rest or my sleep after I get caught up on everything else.
(01:12):
And we'll find ourselves scheduling out that rest.
four, five, six weeks ahead of time.
we know we're actually never going to get it.
on the outside, you're still looking like everything's okay.
on the inside, it's where you really start to feel that fading of ability,
and your rest doesn't restore itself.
(01:33):
this is really the point in your life where...
you start to feel the fatigue from the years of over-functioning.
Janine,
When you look back, can you see what led you to the tipping point?
Oh, God, Good question.
if I think about, that slow burn up to my tipping point, I think really started in my 40swhen I had been a single mom, had a career, had little kids, and I got remarried and got
(02:01):
the opportunity to stay at home with my kids.
all those times where I stumbled
I always felt that I could excuse it, right?
I'm a single mom.
I got a career.
I got little kids.
Of course, can feel scattered.
so suddenly I had the opportunity to be at home I thought I'm going to be Martha Stewart.
And yeah, it didn't go that way.
I lost my structure, I lost my schedule.
(02:22):
I didn't have to get up in the morning to go to work.
My day no longer divided up for me.
It wasn't like I was at work from nine to five.
My kids were in school, so I had a lot of free time, which of course I thought I'll fillit.
I'll have the best garden and lawn on the block.
I'll cook gourmet meals every night.
And none of that happened.
looking back, I see what led to my tipping point of staying at home.
(02:46):
Also didn't know at the time.
going through perimenopause we've learned so much about the impact hormones have on ourADHD symptoms, And then we moved it was horrible.
I was in charge of the move, And shockingly enough, somebody with ADHD is not necessarilygood at planning a move.
It's too many executive skills you have to use.
(03:07):
So It put a huge strain.
on my marriage and a year later he asked for a divorce and it was when I was packing upthe house and I was just noticing something.
I was really struggling to do it and I really just remember thinking something's wrongwith my brain.
(03:27):
It's not working right.
And that was the night
I Googled ADHD and then cried for two hours because I thought, my God, that's me.
I had felt like I had for years been keeping things together.
I had always felt scattered, but was always able to pull through.
even got, people would credit me for like, wow, you can always deliver at the last moment.
That's great.
(03:47):
Was seen as a...
plus.
then over the years I couldn't do that anymore.
that was when you start getting diagnosed with depression and anxiety and trying to findout all these other things that might be behind this and lo and behold it ended up being
ADHD.
I think Jess you've kind of had a similar story.
do.
know, mine started probably in my 30s was when the real like slow burn started and I wouldconsider the slow burn being the fact that you start to lose that superpower mentality,
(04:16):
You go from this level of confidence where you know you can knock anything out of the parkthat you need to to starting to see those chinks in the armor,
my first big bump was that I quit smoking.
And there are plenty of, right?
You would think that would be a positive, but you can look online and you can find plentyof articles discussing that many people with ADHD actually self-medicate by being smokers.
(04:43):
Nicotine, and I'm not saying go out and get nicotine, anybody.
But it has been proven that it does work as well or better than many of the stimulantsthat are prescribed for people with ADHD.
And I loved to smoke.
a lot of people say, I never wanted to do that.
That was not me.
there was nothing I love better than smoking.
It's just one of those things.
(05:04):
I am.
for six weeks, gave it up.
But if I reach like, I don't know, 88, 89, I'm taking up smoking again.
Me too.
Me too.
I even, even to this day, like since I quit smoking, it has been like over 10 years, Iavoid going inside of gas stations because of the cigarettes being there and being behind
(05:25):
the counter, which sounds ridiculous to most people, but I just cannot have that.
I can't be given Yeah.
No temptation
I was always the type to say I had a very addictive personality.
But a lot of things came into play with that.
the only reason I quit smoking was because my husband had had pneumonia and he stoppedsmoking cigars and he thought that the smell was disgusting after he no longer smoked
(05:48):
that's literally the only reason at that time why I quit.
And that was a stem for me that I didn't realize that was very much a safety blanket andit regulated my brain.
to lose all of that all at once was a lot.
I was, instantly mean, we talk about angry on the inside without that nicotine.
I was like angry mean.
(06:10):
after that some other things just sort of combined when the kids were older um and in highschool starting to have their own lives there was no reason for me to get up in the
morning to make sure everybody was out the door and that everybody had their lunch
That was a structure I didn't realize that I needed.
I didn't realize I needed that reason to get up in the morning.
It used to be the cigarette first thing in the morning and that got me out of bed.
(06:35):
And then I could depend on the kids being there and then that got me out of bed.
But once those things were gone, even with having a job, it started to become very hard toget up.
there was no dopamine with it.
There wasn't anything exciting about it.
And you could say, well, there was a paycheck, but it just for some reason that thatwasn't what was triggering me.
(06:56):
I was always a person who was 10 minutes early, And started becoming a person that, got towork exactly on time, five, 10 minutes late, that type of thing, which is not something I
had ever done.
It was a change in my own behavior.
Because we all have different types of ADHD, but for me that was mine because I would getso freaked out by the possibility of being late and that was like a huge shift for me.
(07:22):
not the paycheck is again, remember ADHD brains, it's not reward based, So to me, itwasn't enough,
I would totally agree.
It's not the reward.
And we tend to think in the now rather than the future.
there was nothing to get excited about, literally just mean the dopamine was no longeravailable to my brain and there was just no reason to do anything.
And that's also, paramenopause right in that age range, as you were saying, Janine, we arestarting to learn so much more about and they're finally starting to pay attention to.
(07:48):
But at that time,
everybody just shrug their shoulders and without a diagnosis, without even understandingof the possibility of it being ADHD, right?
There would be no reason for me to think that my paramenopause symptoms were any differentthan anyone else when they're actually drastically different as far as how they affect
your brain and just your daily life.
(08:11):
I was crying at the drop of a hat.
I couldn't understand why and it was because my nervous system was slowly starting to giveout that slow burn was just moving across to my entire life it can get out of hand really
fast and That's what was happening, but I just
didn't realize it.
didn't have the information.
(08:31):
the education.
the understanding.
these are all things I had seen in my family already.
why would it be out of the ordinary for me?
It's a case that I'm not doing it right.
those are cycles I just didn't recognize
I think a good point about how different we can be with our ADHD symptoms.
when we start comparing our ADHD to somebody else's, that's when we can start to feellike, well, maybe I don't have it because I don't have it the way they have it.
(08:56):
it's even worse when you become a stay at home mom and you realize it's not what youactually want.
That is a whole nother layer of guilt, And then you're not doing it right.
And you're a woman.
These are things that are just supposed to come naturally to you and you start to lookaround and everybody seems like they've got all their shit together.
and all of your stuff is burning to the ground and it's just so hard and it's makes you sosad.
(09:22):
There's nothing wrong with not being able to do that.
I was a stay at home mom when my kids were very young
I was a horrible homemaker.
did a terrible job keeping my house clean.
I was able to keep my kids together, but the house I could have given a shit less about,And, I would see all of these mothers doing all these things.
And it was like, I couldn't even have my fricking phone bill paid on time, let alone bedoing all these other things.
(09:46):
So I can only imagine how hard it was.
with you coming home and how impactful that was.
it was demoralizing because I had an excuse, right?
And I think when I did mess up people would always kind of say the same thing of like,well, you know, you've got so much going on.
Of course you, you know, forget this or not do that.
and the energy to try to cover it up was exhausting because
(10:09):
I had no excuse anymore to do things at the last minute, I had my days free.
first off, I'd forget to do things.
It's really hard to have your husband come home and he asked you if you could make a callor pick something up during the day and you didn't get your act together until 4.30.
And it's not done by 5.30 when he comes home.
And so make up some excuse, which starts to wear thin after a while.
(10:32):
when he looks at you and he's like, negotiated a multi-million dollar deal today.
And I'm like, I forgot to pick up the dry cleaning So it takes, well, it takes your tollon everyone, but I just remember being really exhausted too.
And so embarrassed, it was tough time.
our lives are so difficult and we don't have an explanation as to why when we're latediagnosed I think it's called the the end story maybe but basically it's well if this
(10:58):
happens or when this happens everything's going to be okay
You're struggling to, stay on task with your home stuff and the kids.
And you think, if I could be home, if I had enough money and I could be home, everythingwould be okay.
And then we reach that point and it's not.
like you said,
It's demoralizing.
(11:18):
It's a letdown.
It's so upsetting because things were so shitty for so long.
We held onto that thinking that we could reach that goal.
I just have to get here and everything's going to be okay.
And then you get there and it's not okay.
And a lot of times we'll make the next step, right?
Okay, well I'm here, but it's me.
I just have to do this.
(11:40):
And then it's going to be okay.
that is also part of the slow burn process, We keep working towards unrealistic standardsfor ourselves.
what that does is burns out our autonomic nervous system and causes damage to our brainsand our bodies.
Yeah, yeah.
if there's always something that you just need this thing, one thing to happen, or for youto do this one thing, everything is going to get better.
(12:04):
as you're starting to, that's what I'm looking for, go towards that tipping point of eventhe stuff that was working.
was not working anymore.
so you get farther and farther away from that one thing, It's gonna make everything workand everything's gonna be okay.
And it's it's worse and worse.
takes more energy to cover up.
(12:25):
And for me, that was a lot of it was just trying to cover up and feeling like I had no,mean, you're an adult, right?
Like seriously, you can't call the doctor?
How hard is that?
Yeah.
Why does it take you a whole week to get yourself to do that?
if you don't understand why that's happening for you.
you get defensive and I think it's even harder than for someone else to look at you andthink, seriously, you can't just do that one thing and that's an answer.
(12:49):
So I think that's when it starts to get personal, That's when it has to be what it has tobe.
There's no other answer except it's me.
I'm the problem, right?
it's funny because you're stuck feeling like a failure because he's coming home, I made amulti-million dollar deal today.
And we're doing that comparison thing, But in the position that you were in coming home,you weren't going to be able to, there's no way you can compare to that story, Not at the
(13:16):
level you think that you should.
not only do you feel like a failure at home because you're not getting these, whatever youmight consider basic tasks done, then you're also not available for opportunities like in
job positions where you feel like you're getting those wins that you used to have, Thosewins that you used to get those.
Thank God this person is here because they did it.
(13:37):
And it's just such a dopamine letdown.
It's just a letdown as a whole.
But those things,
that you feel like, I just can't do, well, neither can he.
You don't have the capacity to do it but they get to delegate.
You're not in a position to delegate because they are paying for everything and you'rethinking they are the ones that are using all of their energy.
(13:58):
But in a lot of ways, I think we found as an ADHD population, working in many ways isenjoyable.
If you can
get the right combination of things, especially for men.
Women, I understand not as much because again, even at work, we take on more executivefunction, then we come home and we try to match that energy there too.
(14:19):
it's funny you say that about the things that they don't want to do because he didn't haveto do any of those things even at work because he had an assistant.
Yes.
That's another story.
Yeah, I know that is another story for another day, but it is a valid one
And I don't think screaming at somebody and telling them they're an idiot or how did theyget up in the morning?
Like how do you survive every day?
You can't do anything.
(14:39):
It's not a good way to talk So, but we talked about the relationships we get into as ADHDwomen, You start to feel like,
we get ourselves into and the way we allow people to speak to us.
um
you don't have a defense.
you almost feel like you're right.
I don't.
I can't tell you why.
I have no explanation, no reason.
(15:01):
I actually agree with everything you're, know, pretty much saying, or at least I'm feelingit inside for myself.
Um, but again, it's not the way adults are supposed to talk
No, it's not.
so before everything falls apart, it just starts to quietly unravel.
It really does.
And it sucks.
you can see how it all came apart when you're on the back end of it.
(15:21):
But in the moment, all you're trying to do is just hold onto all the threads and keep ittogether.
what's so exhausting is most women have probably talked to their doctors about, know, I'mfeeling overwhelmed or I'm feeling scattered or what have you.
And probably good chance they got diagnosed with depression or anxiety.
Maybe they started seeing a therapist.
(15:41):
though,
with all of that help, You're trying to figure out what the problem is.
You're trying to make it right, but everybody you go to is not really helping you becausethey're missing the clues too.
Yes.
And I think that we should probably sort of expand on is that during this time, whenyou're starting to build up to trying to find a diagnosis many women are misdiagnosed.
(16:03):
And for those of you out there that do not know, many, many times, and you can check thestatistics online, Attitude Magazine, addda.org,
All of those have statistics and information on how most people are misdiagnosed withanxiety and depression before they get an ADHD diagnosis.
(16:24):
And many, many times it is a case that people go their entire lives being misdiagnosed.
They are taking these different things and trying to figure out why it's not helping.
and they are going into CBT therapy and they are dealing with therapists who don'tunderstand how the ADHD brain works.
(16:45):
And it is so truly awful, but especially for women.
The age range between 30 and 50 is a rough ride for women with ADHD who don't know what'sgoing on.
And...
You're not crazy.
There is something weird going on.
You just have to keep advocating for yourself and you have to keep educating yourself.
(17:10):
Whether it's on TikTok or it's reading or anything else.
Don't give up.
If you feel like something is off, if you feel like something is wrong, don't give up.
Keep pushing through.
We talk about not being alone all the time with this, but you really aren't.
You really truly are not alone.
But I know so many of you out there feel so alone.
(17:30):
You feel so separated from everything and you feel like it's only you.
Like you're not doing it right.
But it's not the case.
It's not the case.
So many of us, when we're younger, when we're in our teens, in our twenties, we are spunkyand quirky and fun.
we are able to move mountains and pick trucks up over our heads like we're superheroes.
(17:54):
But those things start to fade.
this is part of the reason why I do not like using the term superhero.
People say, oh, people with ADHD are superheroes or they have superpowers.
And if you want to use that for yourself, that's great.
I do not use that for myself because those things fade, they start to go away.
And when they do, if I'm only defining myself by these superpowers,
(18:18):
these ways I am able to go to extremes.
If I'm only giving myself worth based on those and they go away, then where am I at?
What do I do?
Because there is a lot more to ADHD It changes and it evolves as you get older and as awoman and very much because of the way our hormones work.
And it can be a terrifying experience, especially when you do not know what's going on.
(18:44):
Yeah, it's like about 75 % of women who were late diagnosed have been diagnosed with,anxiety, depression, even bipolar, mood disorders, so many different things.
You you go to therapy for years, literally.
I went to therapy for years, loved my therapist, but looking back, it didn't help me Itwasn't addressing the problem.
(19:05):
then again, I think it just continues to add to that shame, My gosh, I'm even getting thehelp, quote unquote help that I need
Yes.
And that's the huge problem.
know, I'm getting the help I'm supposed to get.
I'm doing the work.
Right, right.
So once again, it all comes back to me, doing what I'm supposed to do.
I'm following the doctor's orders, doing what, know, but my therapist is recommending andstill not getting anywhere.
(19:29):
for me, that loneliness, it was like a dirty secret.
um,
during the slow burn and there were times where I could just, hit it out of the park andeveryone would tell me how great I was, but I also knew what went into it.
You know, I knew that I had another couple over for dinner.
Well, I haven't slept for 48 hours because, I was trying to make me perfect.
(19:49):
That was part of the problem, but a lot of other things.
and just don't talk to you.
It's just things you don't feel that you can share.
The only explanation you can come up with is you're the problem.
in the back of your mind you're thinking, I can't share my true feelings because theywould think I was crazy.
that's one of those things that keeps us all so separated.
(20:10):
That's why we feel so alone because...
We are standing inside of ourselves and we are scared to be honest We are scared toactually be forthright because we've tried we've tried over and over and over again and we
get told we're wrong and we get told that we aren't right and that something is wrong withus, especially the medical gaslighting is just ridiculous, We are taught from birth to
(20:34):
doubt
every reaction that we have, typically because our reactions are good and spot on.
And those are the things that lead us down, that path of self-destruction.
it's that that sheer willpower that just starts to run out because it was the willpowerthat was dragging you along.
We read all these articles and these self-help books that talk about how you have to bedisciplined We are till the nth degree, but in different ways than people recognize.
(21:01):
especially for women diagnosed later in life, doesn't feel like a big crash.
We talked about the slow burn, but once we do hit that tipping point, once that shifthappens, there's no going back.
There's nothing going back to your regular, quote unquote, normal.
And that's where I think we start to see how not normal we really are as well.
(21:23):
Like these things shouldn't be happening to me.
This isn't what other people experience.
we start to realize it is out of the ordinary, these things that we experience.
I do think it is good to say, we're also maxed out on that executive function.
Those things crash and burn like we could give a care less about what is going on withthat.
(21:44):
it doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter if the phone's going to get shut off.
It doesn't matter if you're going to get a late fee.
It doesn't matter if you're going to get a penalty at the bank.
You just don't care.
It just all starts to pile on top and you just don't care.
That slow unravel we talked about today isn't weakness, it's warning.
(22:08):
Next time we'll talk about what happens when the slow burn finally hits the tipping point.
But until then, take care of yourself and remember, you're not alone.
you've been juggling all the things, work, family, mental list and you've made it work,until suddenly you don't.
(00:07):
start to drop the ball, miss deadlines, forget everything.
And you're like, what the hell is wrong with me?
if you're like so many women who were diagnosed with ADHD later in life, you probablyremember exactly when this happened, when your ADHD finally came into focus.
Welcome back, I'm Jess.
and I'm Janine.
and this is angry on the inside.
(00:28):
Quick disclaimer, we're not doctors or therapist.
we are certified ADHD coaches, but this podcast isn't coaching.
It's two late diagnosed women unpacking what we've lived.
Take what resonates, leave what doesn't, and remember, you're not alone.
Today, we're naming the part no one talks about,
The path to the tipping point, is a slow burn.
(00:51):
um This is when cracks sort of start to form in your armor.
you're still in a position where you can explain them away.
you're, holding it together, but it does take a lot more energy than it used to.
we start to hear ourselves say,
I'll get caught up on my rest or my sleep after I get caught up on everything else.
(01:12):
And we'll find ourselves scheduling out that rest.
four, five, six weeks ahead of time.
we know we're actually never going to get it.
on the outside, you're still looking like everything's okay.
on the inside, it's where you really start to feel that fading of ability,
and your rest doesn't restore itself.
(01:33):
this is really the point in your life where...
you start to feel the fatigue from the years of over-functioning.
Janine,
When you look back, can you see what led you to the tipping point?
Oh, God, Good question.
if I think about, that slow burn up to my tipping point, I think really started in my 40swhen I had been a single mom, had a career, had little kids, and I got remarried and got
(02:01):
the opportunity to stay at home with my kids.
all those times where I stumbled
I always felt that I could excuse it, right?
I'm a single mom.
I got a career.
I got little kids.
Of course, can feel scattered.
so suddenly I had the opportunity to be at home I thought I'm going to be Martha Stewart.
And yeah, it didn't go that way.
I lost my structure, I lost my schedule.
(02:22):
I didn't have to get up in the morning to go to work.
My day no longer divided up for me.
It wasn't like I was at work from nine to five.
My kids were in school, so I had a lot of free time, which of course I thought I'll fillit.
I'll have the best garden and lawn on the block.
I'll cook gourmet meals every night.
And none of that happened.
looking back, I see what led to my tipping point of staying at home.
(02:46):
Also didn't know at the time.
going through perimenopause we've learned so much about the impact hormones have on ourADHD symptoms, And then we moved it was horrible.
I was in charge of the move, And shockingly enough, somebody with ADHD is not necessarilygood at planning a move.
It's too many executive skills you have to use.
(03:07):
So It put a huge strain.
on my marriage and a year later he asked for a divorce and it was when I was packing upthe house and I was just noticing something.
I was really struggling to do it and I really just remember thinking something's wrongwith my brain.
(03:27):
It's not working right.
And that was the night
I Googled ADHD and then cried for two hours because I thought, my God, that's me.
I had felt like I had for years been keeping things together.
I had always felt scattered, but was always able to pull through.
even got, people would credit me for like, wow, you can always deliver at the last moment.
That's great.
(03:47):
Was seen as a...
plus.
then over the years I couldn't do that anymore.
that was when you start getting diagnosed with depression and anxiety and trying to findout all these other things that might be behind this and lo and behold it ended up being
ADHD.
I think Jess you've kind of had a similar story.
do.
know, mine started probably in my 30s was when the real like slow burn started and I wouldconsider the slow burn being the fact that you start to lose that superpower mentality,
(04:16):
You go from this level of confidence where you know you can knock anything out of the parkthat you need to to starting to see those chinks in the armor,
my first big bump was that I quit smoking.
And there are plenty of, right?
You would think that would be a positive, but you can look online and you can find plentyof articles discussing that many people with ADHD actually self-medicate by being smokers.
(04:43):
Nicotine, and I'm not saying go out and get nicotine, anybody.
But it has been proven that it does work as well or better than many of the stimulantsthat are prescribed for people with ADHD.
And I loved to smoke.
a lot of people say, I never wanted to do that.
That was not me.
there was nothing I love better than smoking.
It's just one of those things.
(05:04):
I am.
for six weeks, gave it up.
But if I reach like, I don't know, 88, 89, I'm taking up smoking again.
Me too.
Me too.
I even, even to this day, like since I quit smoking, it has been like over 10 years, Iavoid going inside of gas stations because of the cigarettes being there and being behind
(05:25):
the counter, which sounds ridiculous to most people, but I just cannot have that.
I can't be given Yeah.
No temptation
I was always the type to say I had a very addictive personality.
But a lot of things came into play with that.
the only reason I quit smoking was because my husband had had pneumonia and he stoppedsmoking cigars and he thought that the smell was disgusting after he no longer smoked
(05:48):
that's literally the only reason at that time why I quit.
And that was a stem for me that I didn't realize that was very much a safety blanket andit regulated my brain.
to lose all of that all at once was a lot.
I was, instantly mean, we talk about angry on the inside without that nicotine.
I was like angry mean.
(06:10):
after that some other things just sort of combined when the kids were older um and in highschool starting to have their own lives there was no reason for me to get up in the
morning to make sure everybody was out the door and that everybody had their lunch
That was a structure I didn't realize that I needed.
I didn't realize I needed that reason to get up in the morning.
It used to be the cigarette first thing in the morning and that got me out of bed.
(06:35):
And then I could depend on the kids being there and then that got me out of bed.
But once those things were gone, even with having a job, it started to become very hard toget up.
there was no dopamine with it.
There wasn't anything exciting about it.
And you could say, well, there was a paycheck, but it just for some reason that thatwasn't what was triggering me.
(06:56):
I was always a person who was 10 minutes early, And started becoming a person that, got towork exactly on time, five, 10 minutes late, that type of thing, which is not something I
had ever done.
It was a change in my own behavior.
Because we all have different types of ADHD, but for me that was mine because I would getso freaked out by the possibility of being late and that was like a huge shift for me.
(07:22):
not the paycheck is again, remember ADHD brains, it's not reward based, So to me, itwasn't enough,
I would totally agree.
It's not the reward.
And we tend to think in the now rather than the future.
there was nothing to get excited about, literally just mean the dopamine was no longeravailable to my brain and there was just no reason to do anything.
And that's also, paramenopause right in that age range, as you were saying, Janine, we arestarting to learn so much more about and they're finally starting to pay attention to.
(07:48):
But at that time,
everybody just shrug their shoulders and without a diagnosis, without even understandingof the possibility of it being ADHD, right?
There would be no reason for me to think that my paramenopause symptoms were any differentthan anyone else when they're actually drastically different as far as how they affect
your brain and just your daily life.
(08:11):
I was crying at the drop of a hat.
I couldn't understand why and it was because my nervous system was slowly starting to giveout that slow burn was just moving across to my entire life it can get out of hand really
fast and That's what was happening, but I just
didn't realize it.
didn't have the information.
(08:31):
the education.
the understanding.
these are all things I had seen in my family already.
why would it be out of the ordinary for me?
It's a case that I'm not doing it right.
those are cycles I just didn't recognize
I think a good point about how different we can be with our ADHD symptoms.
when we start comparing our ADHD to somebody else's, that's when we can start to feellike, well, maybe I don't have it because I don't have it the way they have it.
(08:56):
it's even worse when you become a stay at home mom and you realize it's not what youactually want.
That is a whole nother layer of guilt, And then you're not doing it right.
And you're a woman.
These are things that are just supposed to come naturally to you and you start to lookaround and everybody seems like they've got all their shit together.
and all of your stuff is burning to the ground and it's just so hard and it's makes you sosad.
(09:22):
There's nothing wrong with not being able to do that.
I was a stay at home mom when my kids were very young
I was a horrible homemaker.
did a terrible job keeping my house clean.
I was able to keep my kids together, but the house I could have given a shit less about,And, I would see all of these mothers doing all these things.
And it was like, I couldn't even have my fricking phone bill paid on time, let alone bedoing all these other things.
(09:46):
So I can only imagine how hard it was.
with you coming home and how impactful that was.
it was demoralizing because I had an excuse, right?
And I think when I did mess up people would always kind of say the same thing of like,well, you know, you've got so much going on.
Of course you, you know, forget this or not do that.
and the energy to try to cover it up was exhausting because
(10:09):
I had no excuse anymore to do things at the last minute, I had my days free.
first off, I'd forget to do things.
It's really hard to have your husband come home and he asked you if you could make a callor pick something up during the day and you didn't get your act together until 4.30.
And it's not done by 5.30 when he comes home.
And so make up some excuse, which starts to wear thin after a while.
(10:32):
when he looks at you and he's like, negotiated a multi-million dollar deal today.
And I'm like, I forgot to pick up the dry cleaning So it takes, well, it takes your tollon everyone, but I just remember being really exhausted too.
And so embarrassed, it was tough time.
our lives are so difficult and we don't have an explanation as to why when we're latediagnosed I think it's called the the end story maybe but basically it's well if this
(10:58):
happens or when this happens everything's going to be okay
You're struggling to, stay on task with your home stuff and the kids.
And you think, if I could be home, if I had enough money and I could be home, everythingwould be okay.
And then we reach that point and it's not.
like you said,
It's demoralizing.
(11:18):
It's a letdown.
It's so upsetting because things were so shitty for so long.
We held onto that thinking that we could reach that goal.
I just have to get here and everything's going to be okay.
And then you get there and it's not okay.
And a lot of times we'll make the next step, right?
Okay, well I'm here, but it's me.
I just have to do this.
(11:40):
And then it's going to be okay.
that is also part of the slow burn process, We keep working towards unrealistic standardsfor ourselves.
what that does is burns out our autonomic nervous system and causes damage to our brainsand our bodies.
Yeah, yeah.
if there's always something that you just need this thing, one thing to happen, or for youto do this one thing, everything is going to get better.
(12:04):
as you're starting to, that's what I'm looking for, go towards that tipping point of eventhe stuff that was working.
was not working anymore.
so you get farther and farther away from that one thing, It's gonna make everything workand everything's gonna be okay.
And it's it's worse and worse.
takes more energy to cover up.
(12:25):
And for me, that was a lot of it was just trying to cover up and feeling like I had no,mean, you're an adult, right?
Like seriously, you can't call the doctor?
How hard is that?
Yeah.
Why does it take you a whole week to get yourself to do that?
if you don't understand why that's happening for you.
you get defensive and I think it's even harder than for someone else to look at you andthink, seriously, you can't just do that one thing and that's an answer.
(12:49):
So I think that's when it starts to get personal, That's when it has to be what it has tobe.
There's no other answer except it's me.
I'm the problem, right?
it's funny because you're stuck feeling like a failure because he's coming home, I made amulti-million dollar deal today.
And we're doing that comparison thing, But in the position that you were in coming home,you weren't going to be able to, there's no way you can compare to that story, Not at the
(13:16):
level you think that you should.
not only do you feel like a failure at home because you're not getting these, whatever youmight consider basic tasks done, then you're also not available for opportunities like in
job positions where you feel like you're getting those wins that you used to have, Thosewins that you used to get those.
Thank God this person is here because they did it.
(13:37):
And it's just such a dopamine letdown.
It's just a letdown as a whole.
But those things,
that you feel like, I just can't do, well, neither can he.
You don't have the capacity to do it but they get to delegate.
You're not in a position to delegate because they are paying for everything and you'rethinking they are the ones that are using all of their energy.
(13:58):
But in a lot of ways, I think we found as an ADHD population, working in many ways isenjoyable.
If you can
get the right combination of things, especially for men.
Women, I understand not as much because again, even at work, we take on more executivefunction, then we come home and we try to match that energy there too.
(14:19):
it's funny you say that about the things that they don't want to do because he didn't haveto do any of those things even at work because he had an assistant.
Yes.
That's another story.
Yeah, I know that is another story for another day, but it is a valid one
And I don't think screaming at somebody and telling them they're an idiot or how did theyget up in the morning?
Like how do you survive every day?
You can't do anything.
(14:39):
It's not a good way to talk So, but we talked about the relationships we get into as ADHDwomen, You start to feel like,
we get ourselves into and the way we allow people to speak to us.
um
you don't have a defense.
you almost feel like you're right.
I don't.
I can't tell you why.
I have no explanation, no reason.
(15:01):
I actually agree with everything you're, know, pretty much saying, or at least I'm feelingit inside for myself.
Um, but again, it's not the way adults are supposed to talk
No, it's not.
so before everything falls apart, it just starts to quietly unravel.
It really does.
And it sucks.
you can see how it all came apart when you're on the back end of it.
(15:21):
But in the moment, all you're trying to do is just hold onto all the threads and keep ittogether.
what's so exhausting is most women have probably talked to their doctors about, know, I'mfeeling overwhelmed or I'm feeling scattered or what have you.
And probably good chance they got diagnosed with depression or anxiety.
Maybe they started seeing a therapist.
(15:41):
though,
with all of that help, You're trying to figure out what the problem is.
You're trying to make it right, but everybody you go to is not really helping you becausethey're missing the clues too.
Yes.
And I think that we should probably sort of expand on is that during this time, whenyou're starting to build up to trying to find a diagnosis many women are misdiagnosed.
(16:03):
And for those of you out there that do not know, many, many times, and you can check thestatistics online, Attitude Magazine, addda.org,
All of those have statistics and information on how most people are misdiagnosed withanxiety and depression before they get an ADHD diagnosis.
(16:24):
And many, many times it is a case that people go their entire lives being misdiagnosed.
They are taking these different things and trying to figure out why it's not helping.
and they are going into CBT therapy and they are dealing with therapists who don'tunderstand how the ADHD brain works.
(16:45):
And it is so truly awful, but especially for women.
The age range between 30 and 50 is a rough ride for women with ADHD who don't know what'sgoing on.
And...
You're not crazy.
There is something weird going on.
You just have to keep advocating for yourself and you have to keep educating yourself.
(17:10):
Whether it's on TikTok or it's reading or anything else.
Don't give up.
If you feel like something is off, if you feel like something is wrong, don't give up.
Keep pushing through.
We talk about not being alone all the time with this, but you really aren't.
You really truly are not alone.
But I know so many of you out there feel so alone.
(17:30):
You feel so separated from everything and you feel like it's only you.
Like you're not doing it right.
But it's not the case.
It's not the case.
So many of us, when we're younger, when we're in our teens, in our twenties, we are spunkyand quirky and fun.
we are able to move mountains and pick trucks up over our heads like we're superheroes.
(17:54):
But those things start to fade.
this is part of the reason why I do not like using the term superhero.
People say, oh, people with ADHD are superheroes or they have superpowers.
And if you want to use that for yourself, that's great.
I do not use that for myself because those things fade, they start to go away.
And when they do, if I'm only defining myself by these superpowers,
(18:18):
these ways I am able to go to extremes.
If I'm only giving myself worth based on those and they go away, then where am I at?
What do I do?
Because there is a lot more to ADHD It changes and it evolves as you get older and as awoman and very much because of the way our hormones work.
And it can be a terrifying experience, especially when you do not know what's going on.
(18:44):
Yeah, it's like about 75 % of women who were late diagnosed have been diagnosed with,anxiety, depression, even bipolar, mood disorders, so many different things.
You you go to therapy for years, literally.
I went to therapy for years, loved my therapist, but looking back, it didn't help me Itwasn't addressing the problem.
(19:05):
then again, I think it just continues to add to that shame, My gosh, I'm even getting thehelp, quote unquote help that I need
Yes.
And that's the huge problem.
know, I'm getting the help I'm supposed to get.
I'm doing the work.
Right, right.
So once again, it all comes back to me, doing what I'm supposed to do.
I'm following the doctor's orders, doing what, know, but my therapist is recommending andstill not getting anywhere.
(19:29):
for me, that loneliness, it was like a dirty secret.
um,
during the slow burn and there were times where I could just, hit it out of the park andeveryone would tell me how great I was, but I also knew what went into it.
You know, I knew that I had another couple over for dinner.
Well, I haven't slept for 48 hours because, I was trying to make me perfect.
(19:49):
That was part of the problem, but a lot of other things.
and just don't talk to you.
It's just things you don't feel that you can share.
The only explanation you can come up with is you're the problem.
in the back of your mind you're thinking, I can't share my true feelings because theywould think I was crazy.
that's one of those things that keeps us all so separated.
(20:10):
That's why we feel so alone because...
We are standing inside of ourselves and we are scared to be honest We are scared toactually be forthright because we've tried we've tried over and over and over again and we
get told we're wrong and we get told that we aren't right and that something is wrong withus, especially the medical gaslighting is just ridiculous, We are taught from birth to
(20:34):
doubt
every reaction that we have, typically because our reactions are good and spot on.
And those are the things that lead us down, that path of self-destruction.
it's that that sheer willpower that just starts to run out because it was the willpowerthat was dragging you along.
We read all these articles and these self-help books that talk about how you have to bedisciplined We are till the nth degree, but in different ways than people recognize.
(21:01):
especially for women diagnosed later in life, doesn't feel like a big crash.
We talked about the slow burn, but once we do hit that tipping point, once that shifthappens, there's no going back.
There's nothing going back to your regular, quote unquote, normal.
And that's where I think we start to see how not normal we really are as well.
(21:23):
Like these things shouldn't be happening to me.
This isn't what other people experience.
we start to realize it is out of the ordinary, these things that we experience.
I do think it is good to say, we're also maxed out on that executive function.
Those things crash and burn like we could give a care less about what is going on withthat.
(21:44):
it doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter if the phone's going to get shut off.
It doesn't matter if you're going to get a late fee.
It doesn't matter if you're going to get a penalty at the bank.
You just don't care.
It just all starts to pile on top and you just don't care.
That slow unravel we talked about today isn't weakness, it's warning.
(22:08):
Next time we'll talk about what happens when the slow burn finally hits the tipping point.
But until then, take care of yourself and remember, you're not alone.
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