November 4, 2025 • 23 mins
Jess & Jeannine explore the ADHD tipping point. The moment everything you’ve been holding together finally slips, and what it really means to rebuild without shame, burnout, or masks.
When ADHD women hit the tipping point, it’s not failure, it’s the truth finally catching up.
In this episode of Angry on the Inside, Jess and Jeannine unpack why coping systems collapse, what “going over the edge” really means, and how to steady yourself when the scaffolding falls away.
From masking fatigue and burnout to the relief and grief of diagnosis, this is the real conversation about ADHD overwhelm that most people don't get to hear.
You’ll hear how life transitions, new jobs, parenthood, perimenopause, or pandemic chaos push many ADHD women to their limit, and how to recognize when that moment is coming again.
✨ What You’ll Hear:
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Why ADHD women hit tipping points (and how to see them sooner)
-
How “structure” and “control” are often different things
-
The link between burnout, hormones, and executive dysfunction
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Relief, grief, and what comes after diagnosis
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Why your next tipping point is a checkpoint, not a collapse
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Ways to communicate, prepare, and rebuild community support
00:00 – All the Plates Drop 00:30 – When Everything Finally Slips 01:08 – Parenthood, Promotion & Pandemic Chaos 02:26 – Masking, Overdoing, and the Slow Burn to Shutdown 05:54 – Structure Isn’t Control- It’s Capacity 10:40 – Scaffolding, Survival & Losing Your Map 14:01 – Relief & Grief: The Emotional Aftershock of Diagnosis 17:17 – The Cycles Keep Coming and That’s Okay 19:26 – Checkpoint, Not Failure 22:00 – Prepare, Communicate & Rebuild 22:59 – Outro | You’re Not Broken
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:01):
You know that moment when all the plates you've been spinning start to fall and somehowyou're still trying to catch them?
That's what we're talking about today.
The moment everything slips through your fingers and the truth finally catches up.
Welcome back, I'm Jess.
and I'm Janine.
and this is angry on the inside.
Quick disclaimer, we're not doctors or therapists.
(00:23):
We're certified ADHD coaches sharing our lived experiences.
Make sure to take what works for you and leave the rest.
If you caught last week's episode, we talked about the slow burn.
The build up to all the ways things can start to slip before they finally fall apart.
This week we're talking about what happens when they do.
(00:45):
let's talk about the tipping points that are the most common or the most known to lead todiagnosis.
new job promotion, anytime where your day to day changes, maybe you've got moreresponsibilities, different responsibilities, your day is structured differently.
Parenthood, I think that goes without saying why that could like push you over the edge.
m Working from home, going back to school.
(01:08):
a tipping point, It really is that time where finally everything falls apart, the wheelshave come off.
And what used to work for you, those coping mechanisms start to fail your symptoms, youdon't know their ADHD symptoms.
But those symptoms become harder to manage, to hide.
And it just starts to feel overwhelming and your whole entire life is falling apart.
(01:35):
could you imagine if everyone with ADHD had an sidekick, Like just someone to follow youaround.
Think of all the information that is lost because we forget all these amazing ideas thatwe come up with or we can't implement them.
that are just lost to the times.
And if we just had one person following us around and like just being our wingman,
(01:55):
Exactly.
Even before I knew I had ADHD, I used to fantasize about that.
Like, my God, my life would be so much better.
All the things I could do, even like the times I'm like, shoot, I gotta remember to turnso-and-so birthday card.
And then of course, once the thought was out of my mind, it was out of my mind.
And then, you know, two weeks after their birthday, I'd feel bad about the fact that Ididn't send the card.
But instead we, at least for me, I just stick it on a post-it or some pad of paper.
(02:20):
And of course it gets lost and I find it like...
six months later and think, huh, I wonder what this was all about.
let's talk about why it is that especially women with ADHD, why they're the ones hittingthe tipping points.
why?
just the decades of, the masking, the covering up, the overcompensating.
(02:42):
It just gets exhausting, it's harder to pull those all-nighters to try to get, you know,whether it was you were in college and writing a paper or studying for an exam or
You've got a big presentation or project that's due at work, and so you're just gonnapower through and be able to do it.
and it just becomes harder and harder.
For some reason, my need to help you is not activating because I just don't have anythingleft in the tank.
(03:06):
Right?
Right?
Even that little bit of dopamine that I used to get by helping others and being able to dosomething because someone else needs it.
Sometimes that's gone too.
And you're like, holy crap.
No.
It's just so scary and it's such a paradigm shift in your life, The tipping point reallyis just a paradigm shift of everything you thought you could do, Everything was about the
(03:27):
workaround and then suddenly you don't even have that.
that illusion of control that you used to have, that starts to just disappear.
Or maybe it's a case that it just becomes completely obliterated, We start to see that wedon't actually have control over the environment that we need to.
And the entire picture of our lives just change.
(03:51):
that final moment.
some event, something that is the final, I guess the straw that broke the camel's back ofwhere everything starts to fall apart and tends to be around some big life changes.
whether it's, you know, becoming a parent, suddenly you have so much more responsibility.
Relationship changes, getting married, getting divorced, losing somebody that you love,anything that can really, it's a big thing that upsets your day to day
(04:18):
can trigger that tipping point.
hormonal changes.
perimenopause, and into menopause, the drop in estrogen just really can wreak havoc forwomen and does impact their executive function skills.
Um, once I knew that more about ADHD.
found it so interesting that especially women started getting diagnosed during thepandemic oh cause you lost your structure.
(04:45):
You lost your schedule.
and then, by the way, you're supposed to be homeschooling your kids your spouse's at home.
I can see why so many women suddenly that was their tipping point.
just the idea of Everyone being at home and you having to regulate everyone's emotionseveryone's schedules, ADHD women, We're experts at masking Until we're not we can hold it
(05:09):
all together until we can't
And now that's it.
a lot of families get blindsided by women going into these complete shutdown modes.
what do you expect?
We can only hold it together for so long before that damn breaks.
for younger women, college for a lot of young women, girls is their big tipping pointbecause they were at home, had high schools, very structured.
(05:34):
I had a parent that was at home that made sure you did what you needed to do, got up, yourhomework, actually ate, your dinner, that type of thing.
And they suddenly go off on their own
you know, the structure's gone.
And it really, I think, is surprising to young women.
Exactly.
(05:54):
And I think that's something a lot of us can relate to, even if it looks a littledifferent.
Because when you're talking about structure, depending on where you are in life, that wordcan sound either comforting or kind of act like a trigger.
for some of those listening, you might be thinking, wait, that's not structure.
that's me
constantly managing everything for everyone else.
(06:17):
you know, my kids, you know how to do this stuff.
Why am I still reminding them to eat, to sleep, to get up?
And that is valid.
But maybe, maybe it's worth reframing what that structure actually was.
When you were making sure they ate or had clean clothes or got out the door,
You weren't just keeping things running.
(06:38):
You were giving them capacity.
Capacity to focus, to learn, to handle the rest of their day because their basic needswere already taken care of.
And honestly, that's something most of us are still trying to sort of relearn as adults.
laugh to keep from crying if you need to, but we're all out here carrying around giantwater bottles and setting reminders to eat.
(07:02):
Realizing it's 4 p.m.
And we've only had coffee So many ADHD adults, especially women struggle with rememberingto pause long enough to nourish ourselves We forget that food water sleep and rest,
they're not luxuries.
They are structure They are what makes everything else possible
(07:23):
So when we see our daughters or nieces or younger women starting to spin out, the instinctmight be to say, ugh, you know, why can't they get it together?
And, that's where we need to stop and really take a breath and reframe again.
Because if you grew up in a home where someone helped you regulate, reminded you to eat,to breathe, to slow down, that was support.
(07:46):
And I recognize that a lot of daughters are going to say that wasn't support.
That was my mom annoying the shit out of me.
Or, the mother might say that wasn't support.
That was me having to, again, pick up everything and take care of everything myself.
But.
that was support and support doesn't magically become weakness when we hit adulthood.
it's still what lets us thrive.
(08:06):
if you're a woman with ADHD, raising a daughter with ADHD, that's not
just parenting, that's the start of your community right there.
You can model co-regulation, not dependency.
And you guys can actually learn side by side.
You can read the same book, you can listen to the same podcast, you can go to therapytogether if that's accessible for you.
(08:29):
Not because you need to fix each other, but because healing those relationships,especially between women, it expands capacity for everyone involved.
whether you're under the same roof your child has moved out.
It can still be extremely impactful for both of your lived experiences.
it does not have to be a mom and daughter, is your niece doing okay?
(08:51):
She just started college.
What's going on with her?
Is she doing all right?
Have you checked in?
Are you just blowing off anything she's told you because
That's what everybody did to you.
When we create this kind of safety and shared understanding with the younger women in ourlives, it gives both of you a little more room to breathe.
You know, a little more space in your brain for calm instead of constant crisis.
(09:14):
That's what structure really is.
It's not rigidity.
It's not rules.
It's just enough scaffolding that we can all move through the day with a bit more graceand a lot less guilt.
Keep in mind, we all have our strengths.
There are plenty of people with ADHD who are amazing at executive functions, They love it.
(09:34):
They thrive with it.
There are others who don't.
There are others who always have meal prep ready and always are ready to feed you if youneed to be fed because that's something that they love in their life and it's something
they excel at.
There's nothing wrong with sharing your gifts with others and learning the gifts they canshare with you.
And that's not a case of being selfish either.
(09:55):
It's not a case of, doing something with the expectation of getting something back.
You can grow a community that will allow structure for all of us to live better lives andbe together.
Learn to actually communicate with each other.
That's why we say the possibility of, mother daughter, if you can go to therapy together,if you have the ability to do that, do it.
(10:16):
Because communication is key.
Communication is where we have that.
that pivotal breakdown in the ADHD community.
We spend so much time learning to communicate with people who we would consider to benormal that we do not learn how to communicate with those who are neurodiverse
(10:40):
where we are having to figure everything out.
And it's an annihilation to your nervous system in and of itself.
And as you get older, or if you're going through major hormone shifts, it's justimplosive.
going back real quickly about when the kids, had to get the kids to the bus stop, thattype of thing.
And then people could say, well, half the time you didn't get them there on time.
(11:01):
But what the difference is, is that you knew what needed to be done, You're not having tofill a void of what do I do next?
What do I do now?
Like it's a new job or, you know, I just had a new baby.
don't know.
I don't have that around me.
we talk about structure.
I've also heard that using the term scaffolding as something,
it's around you.
protecting you,
when we're saying, oh we don't have to figure out the new work around, a good example ofthat would be, I'm at my new job, my second day, I'm 30 minutes late.
(11:29):
What am I going to do?
now I have to figure out how my new boss is going to react when I'm late.
I have to figure out if I have to lie or tell the truth.
figure out if everybody else in my department is going to be pissed off at me.
if I'm going to lose my job, which I just left another job where I understood everything.
Now I'm in this new job and there's all this anxiety and rumination in your head.
(11:50):
trying to figure out all those little pieces.
at my old job, I knew if I was 30 minutes late, I could just use 30 minutes of PTO time orI could kick out an email or I could stay an extra 30 minutes or I could cut my lunch
short.
and it wouldn't be a big deal or it didn't even matter because my my boss didn't care.
All of those variables have already been figured out.
(12:11):
You know what?
I know it be a shocker Jess, but new job 30 minutes late that actually happened in like inthe first two weeks of my new job I'll be honest totally lied, but I thought it was an
ingenious lie um the exit to my new job I would pass it on my way to my old job I justsaid, you know how you are.
You're just I've been driving that old job for like that, 10 years and just was anautopilot and
(12:35):
totally missed the exit for this job, it was total lie I know, was like, what?
everybody was like, my God, yeah, I know exactly, da-da-da-da.
And they were just like, yeah.
like self-deprecating, which helps you because you're used to being in that zone.
That's a safe zone.
Yeah, but oh every I thought it was kind of ingenious it's kind of embarrassing
I think that was a pretty good one.
(12:55):
obviously we don't encourage lying, but I would have bought into that being a supervisor.
would have been like, yeah.
yeah.
So.
you thought I had it all together, Of course, you were just in auto mode.
can totally see how that happened.
right?
I was so on point.
You know me, always focused on the job.
work.
that project it was like I was muscle memory.
I just drove to the old job.
the problem of that too.
(13:15):
If you use you can only use it once really,
Yeah, true.
But if you're going to use it, use it in the first two weeks.
I think I had someone say something like, my god, my husband did that once.
superpower.
Yeah, see.
Yeah.
and a whole new mask to create based on that persona.
You are the chick that is so focused on your job that you drove to your old job.
(13:39):
you're really nice and they can talk to you about their flaws too.
uh
It's crazy how that all works out.
Of course, 25 years later and, you know, we're all having a hard time walking outside, butthat's okay.
That's okay.
we had our moments.
the brain was quick And we were geniuses coming up with those things.
(13:59):
right off into the sunset.
So the tipping point has finally come.
Wheels have come off.
Things have fallen apart.
Scaffolding has gone away.
you finally luck out find the information you need or the medical provider that you needthat diagnosis you with ADHD.
And I know we've talked about this we'll continue to talk about it
that mixed blessing.
There's something going on.
(14:19):
It's not my fault, which is quickly followed by but why the fuck did I not know earlier?
life would look so different.
that relief and that grief.
We are standing inside of ourselves and we are scared to be honest We are scared toactually be forthright because we've tried we've tried over and over and over again and we
(14:41):
get told we're wrong told that we aren't right and that something is wrong with us,especially the medical gaslighting is just ridiculous, We are taught from birth to doubt
every reaction that we have, typically because our reactions are good and spot on.
And those are the things that lead us down, that path of
self-destruction.
(15:02):
and you know I'm gonna try to you know downshift myself some because you know I am havingreally strong feelings with this topic and you know this is the part where even the things
that you love and cherish they start to feel like too much
once you finally have a name for it, ADHD,
everything that used to feel like failure suddenly makes sense.
(15:27):
You realize you weren't lazy.
You're running without fuel.
and that typically find us angry on the inside.
This is part of why we are there.
This is part of why we started this podcast, because life would have looked very, verydifferent for all of us had we gotten the care and understanding and the guidance that we
(15:47):
needed when we needed it.
there will be women listening to this podcast right now that do not have a diagnosis orthey're trying to figure out what's going on with them.
Or maybe they have a family member who's experiencing these types of things.
it's a hard journey.
it's so important to be honest and open about our experiences so that we aren't alone andso that we learn to process that anger.
(16:11):
that we go through those stages of grief and can actually move forward as the strong womenthat we are, I almost said strong independent women, which I know would have sounded
funnier, but I think everybody understands where I'm coming from.
We used to feel strong,
there used to be moments where we felt like we could take on the world and maybe we stillcan for others, but for ourselves, it's so, so hard.
(16:34):
processing this shit, this is what's going to make you strong again.
This is what's going to let you stand up under the weight of all of the shoulda, coulda,woulda's
em dealing with that, the relief and the grief integrating both of them is where thathealing comes from.
that's one of the reasons we wanted to talk about the anger on the inside, because a lotof times that skipped over.
(16:56):
It's just, good.
now you can do something about it, but you have to deal with that anger and that grief andto just ice over it, talk about
toxic positivity, act like you should just let it go.
It's not a big deal.
It's always there in the background.
talk about it and share your stories get support,
(17:18):
it's important to realize that there's probably going to be more than one tipping point inyour life, especially in how it's associated with your ADHD.
Tipping points can be very cyclical.
They can occur during those big life shifts, as we discussed.
But it's not just one occurrence.
It's important to recognize that just because another tipping point is arriving in ourtimeline doesn't mean it's going to be as devastating as the last or as impactful as the
(17:50):
last because we've been through it.
We now have the tools to recognize these things.
there's thing came up and it talked about the seasons the ups and the downs.
the older you get of understanding like, I have been here before.
It might look different, but I've been here before.
I know I'm going to get myself out of it or enjoying the good times because knowing thatcycle of the bad times is going to come back.
(18:11):
to me, that's understanding of things are working really well right now, which is great.
if it stops working so well, that's okay.
That's normal.
we're going to go through those cycles, those seasons, How do you know you might beapproaching a tipping point?
You what does it look like?
Do you suddenly feel like you're feeling so much more overwhelmed than you were before?
Things that used to work just aren't working anymore.
(18:34):
you're feeling more emotional volatility, dysregulation, whatever you want to call it.
just crying, crying all the time.
Any of those kinds of changes is that warning sign letting you know that, tipping pointmight be headed your way.
And And it's different for all of us, but the way I see it Learning to weather the storm.
Do you really have to put the boards up over the windows?
(18:56):
Or is it a case that you can kind of, light the fire and sit and be cozy inside while thestorm passes?
I don't know.
I can't make those decisions for you, but you can make those for yourself and you canstart to recognize this cyclical nature and know that it's not.
all or nothing.
like it may have felt the last time.
You'll know that there's a way to overcome it.
(19:18):
unfortunately, we know that it can flare up different times of your life.
knowing it's part of who you are and not being ashamed of it,
your tipping point isn't the end.
It's a checkpoint.
It's a moment to check in with yourself.
So after that first one, you'll recognize it.
You'll see it.
Take it as the time and the moment to check in with yourself.
(19:40):
Use it as your checkpoint.
when you come across another tipping point, how do you handle it?
you've got this information and you like, oh, here's another one.
What can you do about it?
the first thing we just talked about is don't blame yourself.
Let go of the shame.
This is gonna happen.
It's normal and let other people know.
hey, things are starting to feel like they're going off the rails.
(20:02):
acknowledge that struggle that you're going through.
communicate it.
Don't assume that everyone in your household or that everyone that loves you understandswhat you're going through.
You have to try to communicate.
Be honest about it.
Be open about it.
then start looking at what's not working, Is it your morning schedule the tools theresources you've been using, what isn't working?
(20:24):
what's changed and how do you adapt to this new situation?
So exploring those new coping tools.
And as always, seeking professional help.
It may have been a case that you had a therapist and then you stepped out of therapybecause you no longer needed it.
There's no shame in going back into therapy.
Might be a case of needing group support, coaching.
(20:46):
There are many, many options.
Don't just assume that you're by yourself or don't assume that there's no other options.
many people, especially ADHD people, whether we have money or not, we all have issuesaround money.
And so we will say that we do not have enough money for say therapy or for coaching,things like that.
(21:07):
That is a very easy excuse.
And I do say excuse on purpose because many of us will say a hundred dollars is too muchto go to therapy, but then we'll go and drop two or three hundred dollars at Target
without thinking about it.
Right?
And I don't say that to be dismissive in any way, or form.
I'm just saying if you are slipping into an all or nothing mindset about not being able toaccess professional help, stop and ask, is there another perspective?
(21:36):
Is there a different way that I can approach this?
Because there are many, many different options online in our communities.
We have to dig to find them.
but they are out there.
And it doesn't matter if you have $10 in your checking account or a million dollars inyour checking account, you can find mental health help out there available to you.
(22:00):
even a lot of ADHD coaches will have sliding scales.
not to plug our profession, but it is a really good time to contact an ADHD coach.
uh
is there is hope, growth, and connection in our community
It can be a moment of transformation leading to the self discovery.
establishing new boundaries, having a deeper understanding of what's going on for you.
(22:22):
another way to be prepared is to see a tipping point potentially coming.
Are you starting a new job?
Are you just about to have a baby?
Are you moving?
Are you getting married?
Are you getting divorced?
think about how that might change.
the structure, the scaffolding that you have built around you and how can you fill inthose gaps when they appear.
(22:43):
Seeing them allows for self-compassion.
for mental preparation.
it gives you the opportunity to talk to the people in your life to get them prepared forwhat you may be going through and
actually coming up with a plan to help relieve some of that overwhelm.
The tipping point isn't the end.
It's the truth finally catching up to you and that's where the healing starts.
(23:06):
definitely a time to lean on those around you.
No shame in asking for help.
Agreed.
today's episode hit home, share it with someone who's wondering why everything suddenlyfeels so hard.
And remember, you're not broken.
You've just been using neurotypical tools for an ADHD brain.
Thanks for listening to Angry on the Inside.
Remember, you're not alone in this.
(23:28):
we'll see you next time on Angry on the Inside.
Ta-da!
You know that moment when all the plates you've been spinning start to fall and somehowyou're still trying to catch them?
That's what we're talking about today.
The moment everything slips through your fingers and the truth finally catches up.
Welcome back, I'm Jess.
and I'm Janine.
and this is angry on the inside.
Quick disclaimer, we're not doctors or therapists.
(00:23):
We're certified ADHD coaches sharing our lived experiences.
Make sure to take what works for you and leave the rest.
If you caught last week's episode, we talked about the slow burn.
The build up to all the ways things can start to slip before they finally fall apart.
This week we're talking about what happens when they do.
(00:45):
let's talk about the tipping points that are the most common or the most known to lead todiagnosis.
new job promotion, anytime where your day to day changes, maybe you've got moreresponsibilities, different responsibilities, your day is structured differently.
Parenthood, I think that goes without saying why that could like push you over the edge.
m Working from home, going back to school.
(01:08):
a tipping point, It really is that time where finally everything falls apart, the wheelshave come off.
And what used to work for you, those coping mechanisms start to fail your symptoms, youdon't know their ADHD symptoms.
But those symptoms become harder to manage, to hide.
And it just starts to feel overwhelming and your whole entire life is falling apart.
(01:35):
could you imagine if everyone with ADHD had an sidekick, Like just someone to follow youaround.
Think of all the information that is lost because we forget all these amazing ideas thatwe come up with or we can't implement them.
that are just lost to the times.
And if we just had one person following us around and like just being our wingman,
(01:55):
Exactly.
Even before I knew I had ADHD, I used to fantasize about that.
Like, my God, my life would be so much better.
All the things I could do, even like the times I'm like, shoot, I gotta remember to turnso-and-so birthday card.
And then of course, once the thought was out of my mind, it was out of my mind.
And then, you know, two weeks after their birthday, I'd feel bad about the fact that Ididn't send the card.
But instead we, at least for me, I just stick it on a post-it or some pad of paper.
(02:20):
And of course it gets lost and I find it like...
six months later and think, huh, I wonder what this was all about.
let's talk about why it is that especially women with ADHD, why they're the ones hittingthe tipping points.
why?
just the decades of, the masking, the covering up, the overcompensating.
(02:42):
It just gets exhausting, it's harder to pull those all-nighters to try to get, you know,whether it was you were in college and writing a paper or studying for an exam or
You've got a big presentation or project that's due at work, and so you're just gonnapower through and be able to do it.
and it just becomes harder and harder.
For some reason, my need to help you is not activating because I just don't have anythingleft in the tank.
(03:06):
Right?
Right?
Even that little bit of dopamine that I used to get by helping others and being able to dosomething because someone else needs it.
Sometimes that's gone too.
And you're like, holy crap.
No.
It's just so scary and it's such a paradigm shift in your life, The tipping point reallyis just a paradigm shift of everything you thought you could do, Everything was about the
(03:27):
workaround and then suddenly you don't even have that.
that illusion of control that you used to have, that starts to just disappear.
Or maybe it's a case that it just becomes completely obliterated, We start to see that wedon't actually have control over the environment that we need to.
And the entire picture of our lives just change.
(03:51):
that final moment.
some event, something that is the final, I guess the straw that broke the camel's back ofwhere everything starts to fall apart and tends to be around some big life changes.
whether it's, you know, becoming a parent, suddenly you have so much more responsibility.
Relationship changes, getting married, getting divorced, losing somebody that you love,anything that can really, it's a big thing that upsets your day to day
(04:18):
can trigger that tipping point.
hormonal changes.
perimenopause, and into menopause, the drop in estrogen just really can wreak havoc forwomen and does impact their executive function skills.
Um, once I knew that more about ADHD.
found it so interesting that especially women started getting diagnosed during thepandemic oh cause you lost your structure.
(04:45):
You lost your schedule.
and then, by the way, you're supposed to be homeschooling your kids your spouse's at home.
I can see why so many women suddenly that was their tipping point.
just the idea of Everyone being at home and you having to regulate everyone's emotionseveryone's schedules, ADHD women, We're experts at masking Until we're not we can hold it
(05:09):
all together until we can't
And now that's it.
a lot of families get blindsided by women going into these complete shutdown modes.
what do you expect?
We can only hold it together for so long before that damn breaks.
for younger women, college for a lot of young women, girls is their big tipping pointbecause they were at home, had high schools, very structured.
(05:34):
I had a parent that was at home that made sure you did what you needed to do, got up, yourhomework, actually ate, your dinner, that type of thing.
And they suddenly go off on their own
you know, the structure's gone.
And it really, I think, is surprising to young women.
Exactly.
(05:54):
And I think that's something a lot of us can relate to, even if it looks a littledifferent.
Because when you're talking about structure, depending on where you are in life, that wordcan sound either comforting or kind of act like a trigger.
for some of those listening, you might be thinking, wait, that's not structure.
that's me
constantly managing everything for everyone else.
(06:17):
you know, my kids, you know how to do this stuff.
Why am I still reminding them to eat, to sleep, to get up?
And that is valid.
But maybe, maybe it's worth reframing what that structure actually was.
When you were making sure they ate or had clean clothes or got out the door,
You weren't just keeping things running.
(06:38):
You were giving them capacity.
Capacity to focus, to learn, to handle the rest of their day because their basic needswere already taken care of.
And honestly, that's something most of us are still trying to sort of relearn as adults.
laugh to keep from crying if you need to, but we're all out here carrying around giantwater bottles and setting reminders to eat.
(07:02):
Realizing it's 4 p.m.
And we've only had coffee So many ADHD adults, especially women struggle with rememberingto pause long enough to nourish ourselves We forget that food water sleep and rest,
they're not luxuries.
They are structure They are what makes everything else possible
(07:23):
So when we see our daughters or nieces or younger women starting to spin out, the instinctmight be to say, ugh, you know, why can't they get it together?
And, that's where we need to stop and really take a breath and reframe again.
Because if you grew up in a home where someone helped you regulate, reminded you to eat,to breathe, to slow down, that was support.
(07:46):
And I recognize that a lot of daughters are going to say that wasn't support.
That was my mom annoying the shit out of me.
Or, the mother might say that wasn't support.
That was me having to, again, pick up everything and take care of everything myself.
But.
that was support and support doesn't magically become weakness when we hit adulthood.
it's still what lets us thrive.
(08:06):
if you're a woman with ADHD, raising a daughter with ADHD, that's not
just parenting, that's the start of your community right there.
You can model co-regulation, not dependency.
And you guys can actually learn side by side.
You can read the same book, you can listen to the same podcast, you can go to therapytogether if that's accessible for you.
(08:29):
Not because you need to fix each other, but because healing those relationships,especially between women, it expands capacity for everyone involved.
whether you're under the same roof your child has moved out.
It can still be extremely impactful for both of your lived experiences.
it does not have to be a mom and daughter, is your niece doing okay?
(08:51):
She just started college.
What's going on with her?
Is she doing all right?
Have you checked in?
Are you just blowing off anything she's told you because
That's what everybody did to you.
When we create this kind of safety and shared understanding with the younger women in ourlives, it gives both of you a little more room to breathe.
You know, a little more space in your brain for calm instead of constant crisis.
(09:14):
That's what structure really is.
It's not rigidity.
It's not rules.
It's just enough scaffolding that we can all move through the day with a bit more graceand a lot less guilt.
Keep in mind, we all have our strengths.
There are plenty of people with ADHD who are amazing at executive functions, They love it.
(09:34):
They thrive with it.
There are others who don't.
There are others who always have meal prep ready and always are ready to feed you if youneed to be fed because that's something that they love in their life and it's something
they excel at.
There's nothing wrong with sharing your gifts with others and learning the gifts they canshare with you.
And that's not a case of being selfish either.
(09:55):
It's not a case of, doing something with the expectation of getting something back.
You can grow a community that will allow structure for all of us to live better lives andbe together.
Learn to actually communicate with each other.
That's why we say the possibility of, mother daughter, if you can go to therapy together,if you have the ability to do that, do it.
(10:16):
Because communication is key.
Communication is where we have that.
that pivotal breakdown in the ADHD community.
We spend so much time learning to communicate with people who we would consider to benormal that we do not learn how to communicate with those who are neurodiverse
(10:40):
where we are having to figure everything out.
And it's an annihilation to your nervous system in and of itself.
And as you get older, or if you're going through major hormone shifts, it's justimplosive.
going back real quickly about when the kids, had to get the kids to the bus stop, thattype of thing.
And then people could say, well, half the time you didn't get them there on time.
(11:01):
But what the difference is, is that you knew what needed to be done, You're not having tofill a void of what do I do next?
What do I do now?
Like it's a new job or, you know, I just had a new baby.
don't know.
I don't have that around me.
we talk about structure.
I've also heard that using the term scaffolding as something,
it's around you.
protecting you,
when we're saying, oh we don't have to figure out the new work around, a good example ofthat would be, I'm at my new job, my second day, I'm 30 minutes late.
(11:29):
What am I going to do?
now I have to figure out how my new boss is going to react when I'm late.
I have to figure out if I have to lie or tell the truth.
figure out if everybody else in my department is going to be pissed off at me.
if I'm going to lose my job, which I just left another job where I understood everything.
Now I'm in this new job and there's all this anxiety and rumination in your head.
(11:50):
trying to figure out all those little pieces.
at my old job, I knew if I was 30 minutes late, I could just use 30 minutes of PTO time orI could kick out an email or I could stay an extra 30 minutes or I could cut my lunch
short.
and it wouldn't be a big deal or it didn't even matter because my my boss didn't care.
All of those variables have already been figured out.
(12:11):
You know what?
I know it be a shocker Jess, but new job 30 minutes late that actually happened in like inthe first two weeks of my new job I'll be honest totally lied, but I thought it was an
ingenious lie um the exit to my new job I would pass it on my way to my old job I justsaid, you know how you are.
You're just I've been driving that old job for like that, 10 years and just was anautopilot and
(12:35):
totally missed the exit for this job, it was total lie I know, was like, what?
everybody was like, my God, yeah, I know exactly, da-da-da-da.
And they were just like, yeah.
like self-deprecating, which helps you because you're used to being in that zone.
That's a safe zone.
Yeah, but oh every I thought it was kind of ingenious it's kind of embarrassing
I think that was a pretty good one.
(12:55):
obviously we don't encourage lying, but I would have bought into that being a supervisor.
would have been like, yeah.
yeah.
So.
you thought I had it all together, Of course, you were just in auto mode.
can totally see how that happened.
right?
I was so on point.
You know me, always focused on the job.
work.
that project it was like I was muscle memory.
I just drove to the old job.
the problem of that too.
(13:15):
If you use you can only use it once really,
Yeah, true.
But if you're going to use it, use it in the first two weeks.
I think I had someone say something like, my god, my husband did that once.
superpower.
Yeah, see.
Yeah.
and a whole new mask to create based on that persona.
You are the chick that is so focused on your job that you drove to your old job.
(13:39):
you're really nice and they can talk to you about their flaws too.
uh
It's crazy how that all works out.
Of course, 25 years later and, you know, we're all having a hard time walking outside, butthat's okay.
That's okay.
we had our moments.
the brain was quick And we were geniuses coming up with those things.
(13:59):
right off into the sunset.
So the tipping point has finally come.
Wheels have come off.
Things have fallen apart.
Scaffolding has gone away.
you finally luck out find the information you need or the medical provider that you needthat diagnosis you with ADHD.
And I know we've talked about this we'll continue to talk about it
that mixed blessing.
There's something going on.
(14:19):
It's not my fault, which is quickly followed by but why the fuck did I not know earlier?
life would look so different.
that relief and that grief.
We are standing inside of ourselves and we are scared to be honest We are scared toactually be forthright because we've tried we've tried over and over and over again and we
(14:41):
get told we're wrong told that we aren't right and that something is wrong with us,especially the medical gaslighting is just ridiculous, We are taught from birth to doubt
every reaction that we have, typically because our reactions are good and spot on.
And those are the things that lead us down, that path of
self-destruction.
(15:02):
and you know I'm gonna try to you know downshift myself some because you know I am havingreally strong feelings with this topic and you know this is the part where even the things
that you love and cherish they start to feel like too much
once you finally have a name for it, ADHD,
everything that used to feel like failure suddenly makes sense.
(15:27):
You realize you weren't lazy.
You're running without fuel.
and that typically find us angry on the inside.
This is part of why we are there.
This is part of why we started this podcast, because life would have looked very, verydifferent for all of us had we gotten the care and understanding and the guidance that we
(15:47):
needed when we needed it.
there will be women listening to this podcast right now that do not have a diagnosis orthey're trying to figure out what's going on with them.
Or maybe they have a family member who's experiencing these types of things.
it's a hard journey.
it's so important to be honest and open about our experiences so that we aren't alone andso that we learn to process that anger.
(16:11):
that we go through those stages of grief and can actually move forward as the strong womenthat we are, I almost said strong independent women, which I know would have sounded
funnier, but I think everybody understands where I'm coming from.
We used to feel strong,
there used to be moments where we felt like we could take on the world and maybe we stillcan for others, but for ourselves, it's so, so hard.
(16:34):
processing this shit, this is what's going to make you strong again.
This is what's going to let you stand up under the weight of all of the shoulda, coulda,woulda's
em dealing with that, the relief and the grief integrating both of them is where thathealing comes from.
that's one of the reasons we wanted to talk about the anger on the inside, because a lotof times that skipped over.
(16:56):
It's just, good.
now you can do something about it, but you have to deal with that anger and that grief andto just ice over it, talk about
toxic positivity, act like you should just let it go.
It's not a big deal.
It's always there in the background.
talk about it and share your stories get support,
(17:18):
it's important to realize that there's probably going to be more than one tipping point inyour life, especially in how it's associated with your ADHD.
Tipping points can be very cyclical.
They can occur during those big life shifts, as we discussed.
But it's not just one occurrence.
It's important to recognize that just because another tipping point is arriving in ourtimeline doesn't mean it's going to be as devastating as the last or as impactful as the
(17:50):
last because we've been through it.
We now have the tools to recognize these things.
there's thing came up and it talked about the seasons the ups and the downs.
the older you get of understanding like, I have been here before.
It might look different, but I've been here before.
I know I'm going to get myself out of it or enjoying the good times because knowing thatcycle of the bad times is going to come back.
(18:11):
to me, that's understanding of things are working really well right now, which is great.
if it stops working so well, that's okay.
That's normal.
we're going to go through those cycles, those seasons, How do you know you might beapproaching a tipping point?
You what does it look like?
Do you suddenly feel like you're feeling so much more overwhelmed than you were before?
Things that used to work just aren't working anymore.
(18:34):
you're feeling more emotional volatility, dysregulation, whatever you want to call it.
just crying, crying all the time.
Any of those kinds of changes is that warning sign letting you know that, tipping pointmight be headed your way.
And And it's different for all of us, but the way I see it Learning to weather the storm.
Do you really have to put the boards up over the windows?
(18:56):
Or is it a case that you can kind of, light the fire and sit and be cozy inside while thestorm passes?
I don't know.
I can't make those decisions for you, but you can make those for yourself and you canstart to recognize this cyclical nature and know that it's not.
all or nothing.
like it may have felt the last time.
You'll know that there's a way to overcome it.
(19:18):
unfortunately, we know that it can flare up different times of your life.
knowing it's part of who you are and not being ashamed of it,
your tipping point isn't the end.
It's a checkpoint.
It's a moment to check in with yourself.
So after that first one, you'll recognize it.
You'll see it.
Take it as the time and the moment to check in with yourself.
(19:40):
Use it as your checkpoint.
when you come across another tipping point, how do you handle it?
you've got this information and you like, oh, here's another one.
What can you do about it?
the first thing we just talked about is don't blame yourself.
Let go of the shame.
This is gonna happen.
It's normal and let other people know.
hey, things are starting to feel like they're going off the rails.
(20:02):
acknowledge that struggle that you're going through.
communicate it.
Don't assume that everyone in your household or that everyone that loves you understandswhat you're going through.
You have to try to communicate.
Be honest about it.
Be open about it.
then start looking at what's not working, Is it your morning schedule the tools theresources you've been using, what isn't working?
(20:24):
what's changed and how do you adapt to this new situation?
So exploring those new coping tools.
And as always, seeking professional help.
It may have been a case that you had a therapist and then you stepped out of therapybecause you no longer needed it.
There's no shame in going back into therapy.
Might be a case of needing group support, coaching.
(20:46):
There are many, many options.
Don't just assume that you're by yourself or don't assume that there's no other options.
many people, especially ADHD people, whether we have money or not, we all have issuesaround money.
And so we will say that we do not have enough money for say therapy or for coaching,things like that.
(21:07):
That is a very easy excuse.
And I do say excuse on purpose because many of us will say a hundred dollars is too muchto go to therapy, but then we'll go and drop two or three hundred dollars at Target
without thinking about it.
Right?
And I don't say that to be dismissive in any way, or form.
I'm just saying if you are slipping into an all or nothing mindset about not being able toaccess professional help, stop and ask, is there another perspective?
(21:36):
Is there a different way that I can approach this?
Because there are many, many different options online in our communities.
We have to dig to find them.
but they are out there.
And it doesn't matter if you have $10 in your checking account or a million dollars inyour checking account, you can find mental health help out there available to you.
(22:00):
even a lot of ADHD coaches will have sliding scales.
not to plug our profession, but it is a really good time to contact an ADHD coach.
uh
is there is hope, growth, and connection in our community
It can be a moment of transformation leading to the self discovery.
establishing new boundaries, having a deeper understanding of what's going on for you.
(22:22):
another way to be prepared is to see a tipping point potentially coming.
Are you starting a new job?
Are you just about to have a baby?
Are you moving?
Are you getting married?
Are you getting divorced?
think about how that might change.
the structure, the scaffolding that you have built around you and how can you fill inthose gaps when they appear.
(22:43):
Seeing them allows for self-compassion.
for mental preparation.
it gives you the opportunity to talk to the people in your life to get them prepared forwhat you may be going through and
actually coming up with a plan to help relieve some of that overwhelm.
The tipping point isn't the end.
It's the truth finally catching up to you and that's where the healing starts.
(23:06):
definitely a time to lean on those around you.
No shame in asking for help.
Agreed.
today's episode hit home, share it with someone who's wondering why everything suddenlyfeels so hard.
And remember, you're not broken.
You've just been using neurotypical tools for an ADHD brain.
Thanks for listening to Angry on the Inside.
Remember, you're not alone in this.
(23:28):
we'll see you next time on Angry on the Inside.
Ta-da!
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