December 3, 2025 • 23 mins
December hits ADHD women differently and no one talks about it. One minute you’re thriving on holiday dopamine and twinkle lights, and the next you’re in the bathroom with a six-pack of Reese’s trees wondering why your nervous system has abandoned you for the holidays.
In this episode, Jess and Jeannine break down the real ADHD holiday arc: overstimulation, disappearing routines, perfectionism pressure, emotional labor, family triggers, and the “why am I suddenly seven years old?” regression that shows up every year.
We also talk about DESR, unapologetically, hitting emotional capacity, and how to build a December that actually fits your brain without shame, without perfection, and without the meltdown hangover.
If you’ve ever cried in the Target parking lot during the holidays, you’re in the right place.
00:00 – The ADHD Holiday HighThe early-December dopamine surge, over-decorating, organizing, and the festive identity ADHD women know too well.
00:47 – The Holiday Crash No One Talks AboutTwo days before Christmas: bathroom Reese’s trees, sugar crashes, and the emotional flip that hits out of nowhere.
01:27 – Who We Are: Late-Diagnosed, Overwhelmed, Still HereJess & Jeannine introduce the episode: emotional whiplash, Target-parking-lot tears, and the ADHD reality of holiday season.
02:43 – Why December Breaks ADHD BrainsOverstimulation, emotional overload, disappearing routines, and why December hits different for ADHD women.
05:19 – Family Triggers & Old Roles RebootingWhy holiday gatherings send ADHD women straight back into childhood dynamics, old labels, and old wounds.
07:08 – Perfectionism, Emotional Labor & the Mental LoadThe invisible work behind “perfect holidays,” unrealistic expectations, and why ADHD women hit emotional capacity fast.
09:29 – What Actually Helps ADHD Women in DecemberRegulation basics, lowering standards, cutting the list in half, redefining traditions, and building a holiday that fits your capacity.
20:13 – “That’s Not Normal”: ADHD Holiday EditionWrapping-paper crises, 2 a.m. cleaning, Clydesdale commercials, Reese’s trees in the bathroom — and why your holiday chaos is valid.
23:35 – Closing: Take What Fits, Leave the RestA grounding reminder: nothing about your December makes you weak, and you're not the only one feeling angry on the inside.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:02):
Here comes ADH, here comes ADH here comes ADHD.
They've got a bag full of fidget toys to quell anxiety.
Do do do do do do do do.
I love Christmas.
I mean, it's like clockwork.
November one rolls around and I am thriving.
I am decorating, I am organizing.
(00:24):
I am making lists that I will check twice, but not follow once.
It is a festive identity.
I love the song.
Meanwhile, I don't come online until December 1st.
But when I do, it's like my brain finally wakes up and remembers joy exists.
The light, the rituals, the comfort, all of it, it just pulls me in.
(00:45):
I'm a complete sucker for it.
And then about two days before Christmas, everything flips.
I'm in the bathroom with a six pack of Reese Christmas trees spiking my blood sugar sohigh.
I know I'm going to have a candy hangover in the morning and I'm asking myself, how did Iend up here?
What could I have done differently every year?
(01:06):
At least I guess it's Reese's Christmas Trees.
I'm probably in the bathroom with a six pack.
with the diabetes, it's kind of the equivalent You still get a hangover the next day.
that's the ADHD holiday arc, We start off energized, hopeful, and then real life catchesup and our emotions follow fast.
(01:27):
This is Angry on the Inside, the podcast for women with ADHD who love the holidays andalso occasionally lose their damn minds during them.
I'm Jess.
And I'm Jeannine We're two late diagnosed ADHD women who spent decades thinking ourextremes were just personality quirks really Our brains were running seasonal marathons
without stretching first.
(01:49):
We talk about the real stuff, the overwhelm, the emotional whiplash, and the why am Icrying in my car outside of Target moments?
Because nobody prepared us for how intense life can feel when your brain refuses to stayat a responsible, volume.
first, a quick reminder, we aren't doctors and we aren't therapists.
And even though we are certified ADHD coaches.
(02:11):
This podcast is not coaching.
It's just lived experience and honest conversation.
The kind we wish someone had had with us years ago.
So take what works, leave what doesn't.
And remember, you're not the only one feeling angry on the inside.
So let's get into it because every year without fail, I hit this moment where all the joyand all the sparkle and all the excitement of the holidays just slams me straight into a
(02:39):
wall.
It just feels, doesn't it feel like such a betrayal?
Like you're doing everything right, enjoying yourself.
This is going to be the holiday season.
just, everything's perfect, You're hopeful.
And then suddenly you just shut down.
And there's a reason for that.
ADHD comes with something called Deficient Emotional Self-Regulation or DESR.
(02:59):
that sounds fancy.
it does sound a bit official or clinical, but it basically means your emotional breaks aremore for show than function.
the holiday version of decorative soaps, Pretty to look at, completely useless when thingsget messy.
It's subtle until suddenly it's not.
(03:20):
And in December, there's so much stimulation that those emotional breaks just getoverwhelmed almost.
It feels like for me, it's almost immediately.
DESR is at its most basic, our emotional impulsivity, which we know emotional impulsivityand ADHD, there is nothing basic about it.
(03:41):
many of us, we've just spent our,
entire lives masking it, right?
Working so hard to seem steady on the outside while our insides were just spinning.
and then December hits.
it's like our brains are asked to be on in every direction all at once.
everything everywhere all at once,
Might have been a good movie, but it don't really want to live there,
(04:06):
And you know, it's one of those things.
This is how you end up in the bathroom with pachorisi trees.
I'm just saying.
It's not because you're weak or dramatic, but it's because your nervous system has justfinally hit capacity.
hitting capacity, that's not failure.
It's overwhelmed and it's entirely human, especially when you have ADHD.
(04:29):
let's talk about why December feels like Someone turned the emotional volume up to 100 andthen hid the remote.
to be clear, this isn't overreacting.
It's what happens when your nervous system is just stretched too thin for too long.
to start, there is just more.
So much more.
I was gonna say more of everything, It's just, and feels like just in December, likeeverything's triggered all at once, You've just too much going on emotionally, it's too
(05:00):
much And yet we're expected to navigate it like nothing's different.
Like it's just any other month.
what routines and scaffolding you do have, poof, gone.
And the routine is one of the few things that actually supports ADHD brains.
and when that disappears, the regulation just gets harder.
I'm just going to say everything's just triggered all at once in December, um Sensoryoverload, emotional overload, but yet it seems like the expectation is we're just supposed
(05:30):
to just navigate everything like nothing's different from the month before.
routines, gone.
Sleep, shredded.
Meals, snacks and vibes.
Movement, carrying target bags is now cardio.
uh I think, you know,
like I do at Target, it is cardio.
(05:50):
Only one trip.
One trip to bind them.
One trip to confuse them.
One trip to piss them off.
oh family is complicated for a lot of ADHD women, especially, growing up misunderstood.
you can do all the EMDR therapy you want and, then you can walk into Christmas.
(06:11):
with your kids in tow and your grandma can say the wrong thing and you're right back tobeing seven years old and everything sucks,
it's just so easy to be pulled right back into those old dynamics, you're undiagnosed ADHDgrowing up.
So you were, the problem child, the child who was too much, you're just misunderstood.
(06:31):
And it's just a lot for our nervous systems.
somehow it all lands on you, like the magic, the expectations, the emotional labor.
You personally signed a contract to deliver everybody's perfect holiday.
then the sensory overload hits, It's just too many lights, too many crowds, just too muchchaos everywhere.
(06:53):
you're stacking the odds against you and then you wonder why your brain runs out of theability to actually regulate itself.
And when it disappears,
The mittens come off and all hell breaks loose.
I knew a woman years ago and looking back, I'm pretty sure she has ADHD, but she one timegot so upset about the family not helping that overnight, I am not making this up,
(07:24):
overnight, she took the Christmas tree down, all the decorations.
and put the presents in the car like she was going to take them back to the store.
So when the family woke up, there was no Christmas.
Did you guys come out and sing Dahudore?
I wasn't there.
was just kind of, it was a family, family lore
(07:44):
That was a true life Grinch Christmas special right there.
know, I I think she just was done.
let's be honest, haven't we all maybe kind of fantasized about doing that?
Did everybody laugh it off or did they realize that she had like reached her final straw?
Yeah, no, they didn't.
they just thought she not mentally well.
(08:05):
it's one of those no hindsight.
I can see how she got there.
I get that.
get that.
I'm listening to a book called Invisible Women and it's on data bias, Just the informationin that thing alone about the invisible work that women do around the world.
It's ridiculous.
I mean, talk about something that'll make you angry on the inside.
(08:27):
Exactly.
But maybe that's where Seuss got his idea from.
Maybe somebody came in and yanked that tree down and shoved it in the back of the car andwas like, screw this.
You never know, I agree with you, Jeannine I think most of us have been there.
And if you haven't been there yet, let's not judge because there's a real good chanceyou're gonna be one day,
(08:51):
let's talk about what actually helps.
we're not talking about the advice that just ignores how your brain works.
start by protecting the basics, Sleep, food, water, meds, breaks.
Doesn't have to be perfect, just enough so your brain isn't running on fumes, December isa sensory triathlon.
(09:13):
let's not add malnutrition to it.
or sleep deprivation.
if you're not meeting those basic needs, it just makes it so much harder to do everythingelse.
we all know that the other 11 months of the year, but it really, for me, shows up inDecember.
let's go ahead and lower some standards It's okay.
to run through McDonald's after you've gone to the grocery store because you're toofreaking tired to cook anything when you get home.
(09:38):
you don't have to be flawless.
It is still a magical holiday.
even if the bows aren't hand tied.
I am so guilty of this.
And if you talk to my kids, they would say the same thing of the desire for theperfectionism, And I have rewrapped presents before because I didn't like the way things
lined up as my kids rolled their eyes that sense of wanting things to be perfect.
(10:02):
And if it's not perfect,
No one's going to enjoy themselves, but the truth is that I know for me that drive forperfectionism made everyone else miserable.
they didn't care.
They just wanted you to be there.
They just wanted your presence.
trying to make sure that every package is perfectly wrapped and even and
that we've got the right wrapping paper and all those things are totally cool.
(10:26):
Like it's part of what makes it fun.
But we have got to stay away from those extremes.
Another way to do that is to get rid of about half the stuff you think you're going to getdone.
you're making plans I know you are, but go ahead and take like half that shit and justthrow it out the window, And then the half that's left, keep in mind you're only gonna get
(10:48):
about 25 % of that done too.
and that's okay.
You're allowed to bail and you're allowed to scale back.
Most people will be relieved to be quite honest.
but you have to have a packed schedule.
That's what they do on the Hallmark movies.
You got to have the gingerbread contest.
(11:08):
You got to have the caroling.
You got to have the hot chocolate save the Christmas tree farm.
I'd say let's set all that shit on the shelf with the elf, Martha and Snoop and go aheadand take two hours of our day and watch that Hallmark movie and we'll still get a chance
to explore and enjoy the same level of emotional hurdles, love and Christmas timehappiness as if we actually tried to do that ourselves
(11:36):
There you go, I like that.
Cause they didn't, And they're not perfect either cause they should have realized theywere supposed to marry their high school boyfriend back in high school.
Not move to the big city, become a big ad exec and ruin their lives.
That's what I'm saying because when you become one of those big-time ad execs that are onthe Hallmark movies you lose your Christmas spirit Some might say you become a Scrooge
(12:02):
I realized that suddenly sounded like quite anti-feminist, like, you're supposed to justmarry her.
But I didn't mean it that way.
You guys know what I mean.
Just the, yes, And yeah, don't Move to the big city and become a grinch.
And make your people work over Christmas.
I'd say you do you, babe, but then somebody's gonna come back and be like, that is me,that's what I'm doing.
(12:23):
Dude, if that's you, I'm just saying, even Scrooge gave the people the day off.
It was unpaid, he got the day off.
He did.
He did.
mom still had to cook the goose though.
And then we go back to that invisible labor shit that nobody wants to talk about rightnow.
But man, am I going to talk about it when I'm done with this fricking book?
(12:45):
It is, my goodness, it's sticking to my brain.
and all kidding aside, the idea of just deleting half of what you had planned because, ifyou have my version of ADHD, your sense of time is off.
you always over-plan everything.
take half of it away and then just know the other half that's remaining, you're still notgonna get to all that.
And it's uncomfortable at first, but you can get used to it.
(13:08):
And that's not being selfish.
That's just you really honoring, your actual capacity.
capacity brings up the next big topic.
Knowing your triggers.
December, it is predictable.
you already know your landmines.
You know what's coming.
(13:29):
this is literally emotional battleship, Spread those ships out nice and far.
that way when they're shooting
those big emotional torpedoes, they're gonna miss, Less ships you have in the water, lesschance they have to take aim.
The people in your life are predictable.
The people that make your life kind of miserable, they're predictable too.
And sometimes you are that person, Get in your own head space, know what's gonna happen,be accepting of it, and maybe change some plans.
(13:59):
Jess, I'm spending this Christmas with my mom, who I love, but oh, can that woman push mybuttons of just knowing upfront, okay, she's going to push your buttons.
know, that awareness, it isn't negativity.
It's not like you're expecting the worst.
It's just, it's preparation, You're just preparing for it, which is a positive thing.
(14:21):
let's see here.
about avoiding things.
It's just stepping back, step away, take a break, come back.
when you're feeling better, you're not feeling as depleted.
building in breaks.
Ten minutes in the car, five minutes in the bathroom.
Not avoidance.
It's regulation.
And I think to let people support you.
You don't have to hold the emotional weight for everybody.
(14:43):
as your kids get older, they can take on more.
um Maybe a friend or family.
Just know that you don't have to do it all yourself and it doesn't have to all be perfect.
And I'm saying this to myself,
Sometimes you're looking for that emotional bouncer.
Do you got a cousin?
You got a sister?
You got somebody who can kind of shoot you the look?
(15:04):
they can sort of extract you from the situation before you emotionally black out?
Or drink your sixth glass of wine?
Our text when you're in the bathroom with your six pack of Reese's trees.
Hell, I might FaceTime from the bathroom if it's a bad day.
I'll be like, I'm in here.
I don't know how to get out.
(15:26):
Oh goodness.
Let's try to simplify a few of the traditions too.
Pick one, pick none.
Pick anything without glitter.
it for me, sometimes it's hard when I think about like, letting the traditions go, butsometimes we do things that we just have been doing them for so long, we might not even
like them anymore, And your kids, they might've thought, this was so much fun when I waslittle, but I'm an adult and it's not so much fun
(15:51):
I think that's a biggie.
Asking the kids, do you actually enjoy this?
Is this actually fun for you?
Because traditions do evolve over time, especially as the kids become adults.
you don't want to do the same jacked up stuff that happened in many families who areneurodiverse, I don't want my kids having kids and then having to drive in shitty weather
(16:13):
all over hell and back.
For Christmas, I will come and see you.
I will get to you.
We will find a way to see each other.
If it is not on Christmas day or Christmas Eve, it is okay.
I will come and see you, I want them to actually get to enjoy themselves and learn toregulate themselves now and for their kids not to have to like literally learn how to be
(16:35):
co-regulated, but to actually just know that there's a flow to it and that everybody'sopen to it and that things can change.
And that doesn't mean it's bad, And that we can be together and that there doesn't have tobe perfection.
We don't have to be yelling at the kids and the kids don't have to be miserable at aholiday where we're busting our ass trying to make sure they enjoy it.
And then we're pissed because, know, God forbid they're not like, this is the best thingever.
(17:00):
Cause you did everything you could just to get the perfect gifts and wrap everythingperfect.
And then it's all anti-climactic and depressing.
Cause you're like, well, it's done in 15 minutes.
everybody's just screaming at each other and blah, blah.
these are the traps that we want to avoid.
if we can.
We do, I think so often we have our own picture, We've recreated our perfect picture andwe didn't consult anyone else, we think all this stuff is important and everything we do
(17:26):
will make everything perfect and the best holiday ever.
And sometimes the people around you don't recognize it because to them it's just notimportant.
And we forgot to check in with them and see if it's important.
not.
that.
We forgot to check in because God knows we do forget like literally Forget so to all ofour family out there who are also neurodiverse Thinking that they don't want to say
(17:49):
anything to mom because mom's going to explode Maybe just check in with mom Maybe momneeds to explode for a second and then realize that it does need to change a little bit
and that's okay
our next segment, learning how to reframe without shame.
When big emotions hit, it doesn't mean you're failing.
It just means your brain is overwhelmed.
(18:11):
it needs support.
doesn't need judgment.
It just needs support.
holidays carry history, Pressure, grief, expectations.
small things are going to hit big.
for the ADHD community, it's the small things that always hit the biggest.
that history doesn't just disappear because calendar says it's time to be cheerful.
it's always going to be there in the background.
(18:33):
And it's about reframing it.
the tape dispenser, it's not the villain.
It's just the last straw after three weeks of overstimulation.
So reframing matters.
This is my ADHD brain reacting.
It is not failing.
shame is just so heavy to carry it around with you all the time.
(18:56):
All the time.
That's always sitting on my shoulder.
But it's, compassion that lets us move forward instead of just collapsing.
Your feelings aren't the problem.
the pressure to hide them.
That's the problem.
it isn't about never feeling big emotions.
(19:16):
It's about recovering with kindness and compassion for yourself.
and now it's time for one of our favorite recurring segments.
That's not normal
holiday edition, things neurotypical people apparently don't do, but we absolutely do.
Crying when the wrapping paper you're emotionally committed to sells out.
Not normal.
(19:37):
Been there, done that, screw you, Target.
Cleaning the guest room at 2 a.m.
because your brain suddenly decided that it matters?
Yeah, that's not normal.
Eating six rhesus trees?
Not normal.
I know the resey trees have come up multiple times, but I do sit in the bathroom and eat asix pack and I'm not going to apologize for it.
(19:57):
And I do lay down like a Victorian child afterwards because I'm diabetic and it makes melike sick, but they're so good.
And the chocolate peanut butter ratio is perfect.
No, it was perfect.
Crying over a holiday commercial, like you personally know that animated dog, not normal.
And let me tell you right now, for me, it's not the dog, it's the freaking Clydesdale inthe Budweiser commercial.
(20:21):
There is a display right now at our local grocery store and I'm trying to figure out howto walk out of the store with this thing in hand.
It is a half Clydesdale horse, sparkly and beautiful for Christmas, that like backs up tothe display of the cases of beer.
I don't drink.
This is what makes this hilarious.
(20:42):
I do not drink.
But I love the Budweiser Clydesdales.
I have been to their actual stalls.
I've done the tour in St.
Louis, totally worth it.
Go at Christmas time, the lights are fricking amazing.
They start at Thanksgiving.
Those are the ones that make me cry.
Also, I do know that that is not normal.
Even with my blazing hot ADHD, I know that's not normal.
(21:06):
I just wanted to add, will the Claude style fit in the bathroom with you?
It will, it totally friggin' will because it's only a half.
I have a double sink, I could literally put it in between the two sinks.
I didn't even think about that, Jeannine God, that would be beautiful.
That would be the best Christmas ever.
(21:27):
I would keep that thing until the day I died, I swear.
But it really is like such an awesome display.
It's a new tradition.
Anywho, start a Pinterest craft and immediately regret your life choices.
feel normal, but it's not.
Crying in your car outside Target?
(21:49):
Normal.
Keeping traditions you've outgrown out of guilt instead of choice?
I think that's normal, but also not normal for any of us.
any of us.
I think if you drop traditions, you do need to ask.
My mom one time changed the stuffing recipe because she was bored after how many years?
(22:13):
And it just, it just fucked up Thanksgiving.
You don't put oysters in stuffing.
I know.
Exactly.
I know.
And she said she was bored.
It was not a tradition she liked.
It's like, but now you got other people in on that tradition.
(22:34):
If any of these sound familiar, You are one of us.
Welcome to the hive mind, ladies.
Dun dun dun!
what do mean I'm one of you?
We hope that you take anything that fits and just put it on your Christmas list andremember to leave the rest.
(22:56):
nothing about your December makes you weak or dramatic.
It reflects how much you're carrying mentally, physically, and how hard you're trying.
you're allowed to rest and you're allowed to take up space and to do the holidays yourway.
Even if that looks different than the version you grew up with.
was a hard one for me to learn.
It didn't have to look like mom did it.
(23:18):
It could be my own way, It can be messy, magical, chaotic, or calm.
It's just however it looks for you, that's valid.
And if the focus is about the family and the kids and that's what's important to you atChristmas, make sure that's what actually is the focus
(23:38):
If this episode made you laugh, think, drink, or feel seen, share it with another ADHDwoman who deserves to feel less alone this season.
And remember, you're not the only one feeling angry on the inside.
Here comes ADH, here comes ADH here comes ADHD.
They've got a bag full of fidget toys to quell anxiety.
Do do do do do do do do.
I love Christmas.
I mean, it's like clockwork.
November one rolls around and I am thriving.
I am decorating, I am organizing.
(00:24):
I am making lists that I will check twice, but not follow once.
It is a festive identity.
I love the song.
Meanwhile, I don't come online until December 1st.
But when I do, it's like my brain finally wakes up and remembers joy exists.
The light, the rituals, the comfort, all of it, it just pulls me in.
(00:45):
I'm a complete sucker for it.
And then about two days before Christmas, everything flips.
I'm in the bathroom with a six pack of Reese Christmas trees spiking my blood sugar sohigh.
I know I'm going to have a candy hangover in the morning and I'm asking myself, how did Iend up here?
What could I have done differently every year?
(01:06):
At least I guess it's Reese's Christmas Trees.
I'm probably in the bathroom with a six pack.
with the diabetes, it's kind of the equivalent You still get a hangover the next day.
that's the ADHD holiday arc, We start off energized, hopeful, and then real life catchesup and our emotions follow fast.
(01:27):
This is Angry on the Inside, the podcast for women with ADHD who love the holidays andalso occasionally lose their damn minds during them.
I'm Jess.
And I'm Jeannine We're two late diagnosed ADHD women who spent decades thinking ourextremes were just personality quirks really Our brains were running seasonal marathons
without stretching first.
(01:49):
We talk about the real stuff, the overwhelm, the emotional whiplash, and the why am Icrying in my car outside of Target moments?
Because nobody prepared us for how intense life can feel when your brain refuses to stayat a responsible, volume.
first, a quick reminder, we aren't doctors and we aren't therapists.
And even though we are certified ADHD coaches.
(02:11):
This podcast is not coaching.
It's just lived experience and honest conversation.
The kind we wish someone had had with us years ago.
So take what works, leave what doesn't.
And remember, you're not the only one feeling angry on the inside.
So let's get into it because every year without fail, I hit this moment where all the joyand all the sparkle and all the excitement of the holidays just slams me straight into a
(02:39):
wall.
It just feels, doesn't it feel like such a betrayal?
Like you're doing everything right, enjoying yourself.
This is going to be the holiday season.
just, everything's perfect, You're hopeful.
And then suddenly you just shut down.
And there's a reason for that.
ADHD comes with something called Deficient Emotional Self-Regulation or DESR.
(02:59):
that sounds fancy.
it does sound a bit official or clinical, but it basically means your emotional breaks aremore for show than function.
the holiday version of decorative soaps, Pretty to look at, completely useless when thingsget messy.
It's subtle until suddenly it's not.
(03:20):
And in December, there's so much stimulation that those emotional breaks just getoverwhelmed almost.
It feels like for me, it's almost immediately.
DESR is at its most basic, our emotional impulsivity, which we know emotional impulsivityand ADHD, there is nothing basic about it.
(03:41):
many of us, we've just spent our,
entire lives masking it, right?
Working so hard to seem steady on the outside while our insides were just spinning.
and then December hits.
it's like our brains are asked to be on in every direction all at once.
everything everywhere all at once,
Might have been a good movie, but it don't really want to live there,
(04:06):
And you know, it's one of those things.
This is how you end up in the bathroom with pachorisi trees.
I'm just saying.
It's not because you're weak or dramatic, but it's because your nervous system has justfinally hit capacity.
hitting capacity, that's not failure.
It's overwhelmed and it's entirely human, especially when you have ADHD.
(04:29):
let's talk about why December feels like Someone turned the emotional volume up to 100 andthen hid the remote.
to be clear, this isn't overreacting.
It's what happens when your nervous system is just stretched too thin for too long.
to start, there is just more.
So much more.
I was gonna say more of everything, It's just, and feels like just in December, likeeverything's triggered all at once, You've just too much going on emotionally, it's too
(05:00):
much And yet we're expected to navigate it like nothing's different.
Like it's just any other month.
what routines and scaffolding you do have, poof, gone.
And the routine is one of the few things that actually supports ADHD brains.
and when that disappears, the regulation just gets harder.
I'm just going to say everything's just triggered all at once in December, um Sensoryoverload, emotional overload, but yet it seems like the expectation is we're just supposed
(05:30):
to just navigate everything like nothing's different from the month before.
routines, gone.
Sleep, shredded.
Meals, snacks and vibes.
Movement, carrying target bags is now cardio.
uh I think, you know,
like I do at Target, it is cardio.
(05:50):
Only one trip.
One trip to bind them.
One trip to confuse them.
One trip to piss them off.
oh family is complicated for a lot of ADHD women, especially, growing up misunderstood.
you can do all the EMDR therapy you want and, then you can walk into Christmas.
(06:11):
with your kids in tow and your grandma can say the wrong thing and you're right back tobeing seven years old and everything sucks,
it's just so easy to be pulled right back into those old dynamics, you're undiagnosed ADHDgrowing up.
So you were, the problem child, the child who was too much, you're just misunderstood.
(06:31):
And it's just a lot for our nervous systems.
somehow it all lands on you, like the magic, the expectations, the emotional labor.
You personally signed a contract to deliver everybody's perfect holiday.
then the sensory overload hits, It's just too many lights, too many crowds, just too muchchaos everywhere.
(06:53):
you're stacking the odds against you and then you wonder why your brain runs out of theability to actually regulate itself.
And when it disappears,
The mittens come off and all hell breaks loose.
I knew a woman years ago and looking back, I'm pretty sure she has ADHD, but she one timegot so upset about the family not helping that overnight, I am not making this up,
(07:24):
overnight, she took the Christmas tree down, all the decorations.
and put the presents in the car like she was going to take them back to the store.
So when the family woke up, there was no Christmas.
Did you guys come out and sing Dahudore?
I wasn't there.
was just kind of, it was a family, family lore
(07:44):
That was a true life Grinch Christmas special right there.
know, I I think she just was done.
let's be honest, haven't we all maybe kind of fantasized about doing that?
Did everybody laugh it off or did they realize that she had like reached her final straw?
Yeah, no, they didn't.
they just thought she not mentally well.
(08:05):
it's one of those no hindsight.
I can see how she got there.
I get that.
get that.
I'm listening to a book called Invisible Women and it's on data bias, Just the informationin that thing alone about the invisible work that women do around the world.
It's ridiculous.
I mean, talk about something that'll make you angry on the inside.
(08:27):
Exactly.
But maybe that's where Seuss got his idea from.
Maybe somebody came in and yanked that tree down and shoved it in the back of the car andwas like, screw this.
You never know, I agree with you, Jeannine I think most of us have been there.
And if you haven't been there yet, let's not judge because there's a real good chanceyou're gonna be one day,
(08:51):
let's talk about what actually helps.
we're not talking about the advice that just ignores how your brain works.
start by protecting the basics, Sleep, food, water, meds, breaks.
Doesn't have to be perfect, just enough so your brain isn't running on fumes, December isa sensory triathlon.
(09:13):
let's not add malnutrition to it.
or sleep deprivation.
if you're not meeting those basic needs, it just makes it so much harder to do everythingelse.
we all know that the other 11 months of the year, but it really, for me, shows up inDecember.
let's go ahead and lower some standards It's okay.
to run through McDonald's after you've gone to the grocery store because you're toofreaking tired to cook anything when you get home.
(09:38):
you don't have to be flawless.
It is still a magical holiday.
even if the bows aren't hand tied.
I am so guilty of this.
And if you talk to my kids, they would say the same thing of the desire for theperfectionism, And I have rewrapped presents before because I didn't like the way things
lined up as my kids rolled their eyes that sense of wanting things to be perfect.
(10:02):
And if it's not perfect,
No one's going to enjoy themselves, but the truth is that I know for me that drive forperfectionism made everyone else miserable.
they didn't care.
They just wanted you to be there.
They just wanted your presence.
trying to make sure that every package is perfectly wrapped and even and
that we've got the right wrapping paper and all those things are totally cool.
(10:26):
Like it's part of what makes it fun.
But we have got to stay away from those extremes.
Another way to do that is to get rid of about half the stuff you think you're going to getdone.
you're making plans I know you are, but go ahead and take like half that shit and justthrow it out the window, And then the half that's left, keep in mind you're only gonna get
(10:48):
about 25 % of that done too.
and that's okay.
You're allowed to bail and you're allowed to scale back.
Most people will be relieved to be quite honest.
but you have to have a packed schedule.
That's what they do on the Hallmark movies.
You got to have the gingerbread contest.
(11:08):
You got to have the caroling.
You got to have the hot chocolate save the Christmas tree farm.
I'd say let's set all that shit on the shelf with the elf, Martha and Snoop and go aheadand take two hours of our day and watch that Hallmark movie and we'll still get a chance
to explore and enjoy the same level of emotional hurdles, love and Christmas timehappiness as if we actually tried to do that ourselves
(11:36):
There you go, I like that.
Cause they didn't, And they're not perfect either cause they should have realized theywere supposed to marry their high school boyfriend back in high school.
Not move to the big city, become a big ad exec and ruin their lives.
That's what I'm saying because when you become one of those big-time ad execs that are onthe Hallmark movies you lose your Christmas spirit Some might say you become a Scrooge
(12:02):
I realized that suddenly sounded like quite anti-feminist, like, you're supposed to justmarry her.
But I didn't mean it that way.
You guys know what I mean.
Just the, yes, And yeah, don't Move to the big city and become a grinch.
And make your people work over Christmas.
I'd say you do you, babe, but then somebody's gonna come back and be like, that is me,that's what I'm doing.
(12:23):
Dude, if that's you, I'm just saying, even Scrooge gave the people the day off.
It was unpaid, he got the day off.
He did.
He did.
mom still had to cook the goose though.
And then we go back to that invisible labor shit that nobody wants to talk about rightnow.
But man, am I going to talk about it when I'm done with this fricking book?
(12:45):
It is, my goodness, it's sticking to my brain.
and all kidding aside, the idea of just deleting half of what you had planned because, ifyou have my version of ADHD, your sense of time is off.
you always over-plan everything.
take half of it away and then just know the other half that's remaining, you're still notgonna get to all that.
And it's uncomfortable at first, but you can get used to it.
(13:08):
And that's not being selfish.
That's just you really honoring, your actual capacity.
capacity brings up the next big topic.
Knowing your triggers.
December, it is predictable.
you already know your landmines.
You know what's coming.
(13:29):
this is literally emotional battleship, Spread those ships out nice and far.
that way when they're shooting
those big emotional torpedoes, they're gonna miss, Less ships you have in the water, lesschance they have to take aim.
The people in your life are predictable.
The people that make your life kind of miserable, they're predictable too.
And sometimes you are that person, Get in your own head space, know what's gonna happen,be accepting of it, and maybe change some plans.
(13:59):
Jess, I'm spending this Christmas with my mom, who I love, but oh, can that woman push mybuttons of just knowing upfront, okay, she's going to push your buttons.
know, that awareness, it isn't negativity.
It's not like you're expecting the worst.
It's just, it's preparation, You're just preparing for it, which is a positive thing.
(14:21):
let's see here.
about avoiding things.
It's just stepping back, step away, take a break, come back.
when you're feeling better, you're not feeling as depleted.
building in breaks.
Ten minutes in the car, five minutes in the bathroom.
Not avoidance.
It's regulation.
And I think to let people support you.
You don't have to hold the emotional weight for everybody.
(14:43):
as your kids get older, they can take on more.
um Maybe a friend or family.
Just know that you don't have to do it all yourself and it doesn't have to all be perfect.
And I'm saying this to myself,
Sometimes you're looking for that emotional bouncer.
Do you got a cousin?
You got a sister?
You got somebody who can kind of shoot you the look?
(15:04):
they can sort of extract you from the situation before you emotionally black out?
Or drink your sixth glass of wine?
Our text when you're in the bathroom with your six pack of Reese's trees.
Hell, I might FaceTime from the bathroom if it's a bad day.
I'll be like, I'm in here.
I don't know how to get out.
(15:26):
Oh goodness.
Let's try to simplify a few of the traditions too.
Pick one, pick none.
Pick anything without glitter.
it for me, sometimes it's hard when I think about like, letting the traditions go, butsometimes we do things that we just have been doing them for so long, we might not even
like them anymore, And your kids, they might've thought, this was so much fun when I waslittle, but I'm an adult and it's not so much fun
(15:51):
I think that's a biggie.
Asking the kids, do you actually enjoy this?
Is this actually fun for you?
Because traditions do evolve over time, especially as the kids become adults.
you don't want to do the same jacked up stuff that happened in many families who areneurodiverse, I don't want my kids having kids and then having to drive in shitty weather
(16:13):
all over hell and back.
For Christmas, I will come and see you.
I will get to you.
We will find a way to see each other.
If it is not on Christmas day or Christmas Eve, it is okay.
I will come and see you, I want them to actually get to enjoy themselves and learn toregulate themselves now and for their kids not to have to like literally learn how to be
(16:35):
co-regulated, but to actually just know that there's a flow to it and that everybody'sopen to it and that things can change.
And that doesn't mean it's bad, And that we can be together and that there doesn't have tobe perfection.
We don't have to be yelling at the kids and the kids don't have to be miserable at aholiday where we're busting our ass trying to make sure they enjoy it.
And then we're pissed because, know, God forbid they're not like, this is the best thingever.
(17:00):
Cause you did everything you could just to get the perfect gifts and wrap everythingperfect.
And then it's all anti-climactic and depressing.
Cause you're like, well, it's done in 15 minutes.
everybody's just screaming at each other and blah, blah.
these are the traps that we want to avoid.
if we can.
We do, I think so often we have our own picture, We've recreated our perfect picture andwe didn't consult anyone else, we think all this stuff is important and everything we do
(17:26):
will make everything perfect and the best holiday ever.
And sometimes the people around you don't recognize it because to them it's just notimportant.
And we forgot to check in with them and see if it's important.
not.
that.
We forgot to check in because God knows we do forget like literally Forget so to all ofour family out there who are also neurodiverse Thinking that they don't want to say
(17:49):
anything to mom because mom's going to explode Maybe just check in with mom Maybe momneeds to explode for a second and then realize that it does need to change a little bit
and that's okay
our next segment, learning how to reframe without shame.
When big emotions hit, it doesn't mean you're failing.
It just means your brain is overwhelmed.
(18:11):
it needs support.
doesn't need judgment.
It just needs support.
holidays carry history, Pressure, grief, expectations.
small things are going to hit big.
for the ADHD community, it's the small things that always hit the biggest.
that history doesn't just disappear because calendar says it's time to be cheerful.
it's always going to be there in the background.
(18:33):
And it's about reframing it.
the tape dispenser, it's not the villain.
It's just the last straw after three weeks of overstimulation.
So reframing matters.
This is my ADHD brain reacting.
It is not failing.
shame is just so heavy to carry it around with you all the time.
(18:56):
All the time.
That's always sitting on my shoulder.
But it's, compassion that lets us move forward instead of just collapsing.
Your feelings aren't the problem.
the pressure to hide them.
That's the problem.
it isn't about never feeling big emotions.
(19:16):
It's about recovering with kindness and compassion for yourself.
and now it's time for one of our favorite recurring segments.
That's not normal
holiday edition, things neurotypical people apparently don't do, but we absolutely do.
Crying when the wrapping paper you're emotionally committed to sells out.
Not normal.
(19:37):
Been there, done that, screw you, Target.
Cleaning the guest room at 2 a.m.
because your brain suddenly decided that it matters?
Yeah, that's not normal.
Eating six rhesus trees?
Not normal.
I know the resey trees have come up multiple times, but I do sit in the bathroom and eat asix pack and I'm not going to apologize for it.
(19:57):
And I do lay down like a Victorian child afterwards because I'm diabetic and it makes melike sick, but they're so good.
And the chocolate peanut butter ratio is perfect.
No, it was perfect.
Crying over a holiday commercial, like you personally know that animated dog, not normal.
And let me tell you right now, for me, it's not the dog, it's the freaking Clydesdale inthe Budweiser commercial.
(20:21):
There is a display right now at our local grocery store and I'm trying to figure out howto walk out of the store with this thing in hand.
It is a half Clydesdale horse, sparkly and beautiful for Christmas, that like backs up tothe display of the cases of beer.
I don't drink.
This is what makes this hilarious.
(20:42):
I do not drink.
But I love the Budweiser Clydesdales.
I have been to their actual stalls.
I've done the tour in St.
Louis, totally worth it.
Go at Christmas time, the lights are fricking amazing.
They start at Thanksgiving.
Those are the ones that make me cry.
Also, I do know that that is not normal.
Even with my blazing hot ADHD, I know that's not normal.
(21:06):
I just wanted to add, will the Claude style fit in the bathroom with you?
It will, it totally friggin' will because it's only a half.
I have a double sink, I could literally put it in between the two sinks.
I didn't even think about that, Jeannine God, that would be beautiful.
That would be the best Christmas ever.
(21:27):
I would keep that thing until the day I died, I swear.
But it really is like such an awesome display.
It's a new tradition.
Anywho, start a Pinterest craft and immediately regret your life choices.
feel normal, but it's not.
Crying in your car outside Target?
(21:49):
Normal.
Keeping traditions you've outgrown out of guilt instead of choice?
I think that's normal, but also not normal for any of us.
any of us.
I think if you drop traditions, you do need to ask.
My mom one time changed the stuffing recipe because she was bored after how many years?
(22:13):
And it just, it just fucked up Thanksgiving.
You don't put oysters in stuffing.
I know.
Exactly.
I know.
And she said she was bored.
It was not a tradition she liked.
It's like, but now you got other people in on that tradition.
(22:34):
If any of these sound familiar, You are one of us.
Welcome to the hive mind, ladies.
Dun dun dun!
what do mean I'm one of you?
We hope that you take anything that fits and just put it on your Christmas list andremember to leave the rest.
(22:56):
nothing about your December makes you weak or dramatic.
It reflects how much you're carrying mentally, physically, and how hard you're trying.
you're allowed to rest and you're allowed to take up space and to do the holidays yourway.
Even if that looks different than the version you grew up with.
was a hard one for me to learn.
It didn't have to look like mom did it.
(23:18):
It could be my own way, It can be messy, magical, chaotic, or calm.
It's just however it looks for you, that's valid.
And if the focus is about the family and the kids and that's what's important to you atChristmas, make sure that's what actually is the focus
(23:38):
If this episode made you laugh, think, drink, or feel seen, share it with another ADHDwoman who deserves to feel less alone this season.
And remember, you're not the only one feeling angry on the inside.
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
The Breakfast Club
The World's Most Dangerous Morning Show, The Breakfast Club, With DJ Envy, Jess Hilarious, And Charlamagne Tha God!