S1 E5 The ADHD Confession Crisis: Why Telling People You Have ADHD Feels So High-Stakes

Getting an ADHD diagnosis is life-changing ,but who actually deserves to know? In this episode, Jess and Jeannine dig into the messy, personal, and sometimes hilarious reality of deciding who to tell about your ADHD. From supportive spouses and curious kids to skeptical family members and workplace politics, they explore the first circles, the second waves, and the “you don’t look ADHD” crowd.

Expect raw honesty about shame, stigma, and self-advocacy.  Plus some soapbox moments and laughs along the way. Angry on the Inside is here to remind you: disclosure is your choice.

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
Jessica (00:00)Welcome back to angry on the inside, the podcast for women who have been diagnosed with ADHD later in life. I'm Jessica.

(00:01):
Jeannine Thill (00:06)I'm Janine and today we're diving into another big question about what comes after your diagnosis. Who do you tell and who do you maybe not tell about your ADHD?
Jessica (00:14)When I was first diagnosed, for me, it wasn't about who I was going to tell about the diagnosis. It actually came beforehand when I was going to be tested. I...
picked and chose who I was going to let know I was going to be tested. For those people, those are the ones that I had initially decided that no matter which way my diagnosis went, I was going to be discussing it with them.
Jeannine Thill (00:39)I didn't tell anybody that I was going to look into a diagnosis. I didn't really say anything to anybody at all until after I got my diagnosis. then I think I waited a little bit I told my sister and her husband first because I felt they would be the most understanding. And in fact, they actually have been.
I told my mom, which quickly came with, you didn't get much from my family. Obviously, you got it from your dad, which is probably true, but still. then, I just really had a good friend. I didn't tell many people. I think because it was something I still felt very insecure about and was still concerned about being judged over.
knowing a lot of the personalities in my life being labeled as a it's an excuse or the you know everybody has ADHD we can all get our lives together. Why can't you get your life together? also very much not wanting to be seen less than and my family unfortunately tends to have the If somebody has anything wrong with them, it's like ⁓ you know pity them. That's too bad so I just really didn't want to be seen as a less than
As I said, I've told my mom, but we haven't really talked about it, talked about it since, and actually really don't talk about it with anybody. We'll just play a whole nother podcast.
Jessica (01:52)You talk about it with me all the time. I don't know what you're talking about.
Jeannine Thill (01:54)Yeah,
so we're gonna have a podcast. Why Janine's still in the closet.
Jessica (01:58)because she's organizing it, that's why.
Jeannine Thill (01:59)⁓
And everything's fallen on top of her and she can't get up. That's good.
Jessica (02:05)For
me, I told my significant other, my spouse, I told him, and then my children and my mom. Those are who knew I was going to have the test. Those are who learned after the results of my test. Other than that, I chose to be very guarded because I wanted to educate myself more about how this was affecting my life and how my diagnosis was going to affect me.
my life and the people I love going forward. you're almost sort of re-learning yourself in a way we talk about it. We run through this gambit of emotions and that in and of itself sucks. And a lot of people, you know, who are neurodiverse, we aren't the best at feeling our emotions either. Many people think that they are self-aware and I've said it myself, ⁓
I'm so self-aware, don't worry. I know what I'm getting into. you hear that in coaching a lot. I'm told, my therapist tells me I'm very self-aware. the reality of it is, is that none of us realize it's not exactly a case of being self-aware. It's a case of being able to, and now I can't think of the right word.
What's the word when you're able to think it through but not feel it?
Jeannine Thill (03:14)think it through but not feel it.
Jessica (03:15)There
we go. It's a case that we are able to intellectualize our feelings rather than feeling them. Which I know is a whole nother topic, but it is a good thing to bring up in the moment when it comes to those early experiences after you get your diagnosis.

(00:22):
Jeannine Thill (03:32)Yeah,
you spend the months after, it's almost like you start playing your life, like a highlight reel and you start remembering things ⁓ that thing happened 10 years ago. my gosh, was that my ADHD? You know, that happened.
my ADHD played a role in that. That's why this happened
Jessica (03:48)⁓
Jeannine Thill (03:50)you're carrying around this brand new information that explains your whole life. But just because it's life changing for you, doesn't mean it's going to land the same way with your boss or your in-laws or even your best friends.
Jessica (04:01)it's a hard balance between wanting to be authentic and not wanting to deal with the stigma and miseducation of so many people coming at you at once, especially when you're new to the diagnosis.
Jeannine Thill (04:16)let's break this down.
if we think about the people in our lives and kind of the different circles of people in our lives, those that are closest, you know, maybe those that are furthest That first circle, the closest circle being our friends and our family. What do we tell them?
Jessica (04:18)Thank
within my first circle, it was my husband, my kids, and my mom. with those, it was pretty lighthearted and open. my results came back. I have like a 30 page thing from my psychiatrist, from all this testing that I did. My husband and I kind of read through it. I made it available to my kids to be able to read because I wanted to be as open and transparent as I could with them.
to sort of understand and see what was going on and the testing that I had done more in hopes of making sure that it didn't seem like an excuse, that was sort of my first step. after that, I started to research way outside of just TikTok and podcasts and things like that. I started to...
delve deeper into the actual clinical side of it, trying to understand that portion of myself.
Jeannine Thill (05:16)And as for me, was limited people who I told, but it was all that information that ⁓ the science I read about, how the brain works, why you have the symptoms that you have and how it shows up for me. it was really exciting for me to tell people, because I felt like I could finally explain to people what was going on with me and how I had been feeling. Of course, the vast majority of them had no idea that's how I'd been feeling for the last, know.
Jessica (05:33)Mm-hmm.
Jeannine Thill (05:39)50 some odd years of my life. it really was a balancing act I kind of figured it out as I went along. I think like with my sister and brother-in-law, I probably did way too much, probably overwhelmed them with all this information. But then as I mention it to other people, just really giving them, you kind of test them out. You kind of figure out like how much are they, first of all, are they interested? Do they want to learn more?
or they just don't believe in ADHD or think you're just making an excuse or you're so flawed or whatever. I felt like I got better figuring out who to tell and what to tell as I went along.
Jessica (06:12)I know we're saying first circle, but in my brain, I'm like first wave, like the first wave that went out. That's what I keep thinking. And with that first wave, I will say, I am thankful because in that situation, my family members did not minimize the diagnosis. They didn't pull the regular junk of, well, you're forgetful. You've always been forgetful or...
Jeannine Thill (06:17)Yeah, actually that, you know what, that is a great way of looking at it. Yeah.
Jessica (06:38)we all get distracted or anything like that. None of them gave me that feedback. Now, as I pulled into second, third, 10th wave, yes, yes, I got a lot of that. But my initial core family group that I let know I was going to be tested and then let them know the results of my test, they didn't minimize me at all. I think the hardest part of it was for my mom because
Jeannine Thill (06:57)Yeah.
Jessica (07:03)she truly felt like she had done something wrong and she felt like she had messed me up in some way or done something to me in some way. And that broke my heart because one, I don't want my mom being sad for that. And we are just not a generation or we are not from a generation where they were recognizing these things.

(00:43):
Jeannine Thill (07:12)Yeah.
yeah, definitely.
Jessica (07:28)Even if they had, we would not have gotten the reception that we needed.
Jeannine Thill (07:32)Yeah.
Jessica (07:33)can you hear the dog coming through?
Jeannine Thill (07:34)That's okay. Everyone's got a dog on a podcast.
Jessica (07:36)But my mom, it was, it was just very impactful for her. And I feel like she felt like she didn't support me in a way that she should have or should have known to, but that's not the case.
when you start to look back, like really look back at your parents and recognize that they're more than just your parents, that they are wives and women and all these other weird things. You can see that in a lot of ways they did try, but the doctors they went to and the things that they heard and the stuff they were told, it was inaccurate, I can't tell you how many times my mom took me to the doctor because
I had a stomach ache and a headache, like to the point that I would be physically gagging. And I go and they do all the tests and she's okay and nothing's wrong and blah, blah, blah. it might be stress. But a lot of that really did lead back to my NHD and autism. Big, blatant, obvious things that my mom went to doctors and specialists who told her that nothing was wrong.
Jeannine Thill (08:28)So.
Jessica (08:36)And that was with the first wave, would say that was the hardest part for me. It wasn't minimized in any way, but I know it was hard for my mom because she felt like she could have done more.
Jeannine Thill (08:46)I mentioned that my mom's first response was, well, you didn't get it from me. You got it from your dad, which actually I would have expected it to be. But I have talked with her a bit more since then. And you're right. It's interesting, though. The last time I really talked to her about it and I talked to her about my anger, about how come I didn't know things would have been different. know, she was upset.
And it was so hard trying to explain to her, like, I'm not mad at you. You didn't know. Nobody knew. There's nothing you could have done different. It was more just, you know, I just need you to hear me and understand that this is my experience. You don't need to take responsibility for it. It's just for you to better understand. Because I think I was the master masquer. You know, I had a mask on with just about everybody.
I don't know anybody who I didn't have it on with and I still let that thing's kind of stuck on which I think since is why I'm still in the closet because you know I have to let go of that mask. it was interesting that that was the response initial was not my fault and then secondly was now you're saying it's my fault. I think it's my mom's generation but again she's not gonna listen to this so this is my mom response to when I first got
Jessica (09:46)Thank you.
Yeah, I was gonna say, I can recognize your mom's
Jeannine Thill (09:57)antidepressants was, huh, we didn't do that. We just drank.
Jessica (09:58)with.
Jeannine Thill (10:01)So, we talked about those the circles of people and you know, as you move out from your family and your friends, probably think the next biggest area is really like, your work, your professional settings or if you're in school.
How do you handle that? I think that one's a lot more tricky.
Jessica (10:16)I think it's definitely tricky. and some workspaces are open and great about it. Others aren't. when I got my diagnosis, you know, it was a very different political climate as well. I chose not to be like drastically open to everyone.

(01:04):
in my office, Had I needed at the time any type of, what's the word I'm looking for, Janine?
Jeannine Thill (10:41)accommodation.
Jessica (10:41)where they help
you work. Yeah. If I had needed at the time, any type of accommodations, I would have probably asked them directly, though I may not have said, I need this directly because I have ADHD or because I'm autistic. I probably would have just asked period. But I was also in a position where I was working from home ⁓ because it was close to the COVID times and things like that. And I was remote. So
Jeannine Thill (11:02)Mm.
Jessica (11:08)That gave me a lot of leeway and a lot of ability to low energy mask, I wasn't being seen every day. I didn't have to be on point. I didn't have to be, the only thing I had to make sure that was on point was my voice, My work would be fine. But if I was on the telephone, or an occasional zoom, but I wasn't being watched.
Jeannine Thill (11:23)right.
Jessica (11:28)every moment of the day where I had to expel that level of energy. Now, previous to that I had been, previous to that I was working in an office and I was working, five to seven days a week, anywhere from 50 to 70 hours a week, depending because I was in public accounting. depending on the season and stuff, we work nonstop. And those were the things that, you know, physically and emotionally before I knew what they were.
Jeannine Thill (11:47)Yeah.
Jessica (11:52)had a huge impact on me. But I was fortunate, if that's what you'd like to call it, to have been working remote when I got my diagnosis.
Jeannine Thill (12:02)Did you ever end up sharing it with anybody then at your workplace?
Jessica (12:06)Yeah, I my team I was director so my team knew I was open with my team about that because I wanted them to know that that was there had they felt Uncomfortable with my conditions or anything like that. and they felt the need to go to report then I wanted them to have that option,
Jeannine Thill (12:09)now.
Jessica (12:25)⁓ I was missing a lot of work and I was having to go back and forth. So was important to me that they knew I wasn't just, abandoning ship or not being there for them. That was important.
Jeannine Thill (12:25)Right,
Yeah.
And what was their reaction?
Jessica (12:39)more curious and questions than anything else. they were great about it, but I had a great team. I worked with really wonderful people. ⁓ I also worked in a small office environment. So sometimes, you know, those lines can get a little bit blurred as to how much information we give to others, period. But being in a smaller office that tends to happen also more often.
Jeannine Thill (12:47)Yeah.
Jessica (13:02)we knew each other, we had met each other's families, gone out to dinner, things like that. I think it was more comfortable and normal for them to know. And they were much more considerate, but they also appreciated, what I brought to the table and the training and the mentoring and things like that, that I did. So I feel like that was also a reason why my diagnosis didn't seem to really matter to them.
it was just part of who I was.

(01:25):
Jeannine Thill (13:26)as a leader, as a manager, you sharing that, there's so many good things I think that can come from that because it lets other people know, if they want to share something or if they're going to need accommodations. It just, you just open up the conversation. And I think the more authentic and vulnerable you are, I've always thought that makes a much better, leader manager because it allows, it gives other people grace and allows them to.
bring up issues that they, know, something that they might be going through. I applaud you on that.
Jessica (13:54)I do want to say for each person dealing, with making this decision, it is a very individual choice. If you choose not to tell your employer, that is your own prerogative. That is up to you. And there's no one that needs to be passing judgment on you as to whether you choose to or don't choose to disclose your diagnosis at work.
Jeannine Thill (14:00)Yeah.
Jessica (14:17)I will say I think the newer generations that are coming in are more comfortable in doing it because their boundaries are a lot stronger than what we had when we were younger. I applaud them for that. I think that's an amazing thing. what you might hear from other people, like as a reaction to those younger generations setting their boundaries, well, she's not going to do this or,
she's taking her lunch. Yeah, take that lunch. Take that lunch. They ain't never ever ever gonna give it back to you. You will never get that time back in your life and nobody's gonna be like, thank goodness Linda didn't take lunch for 15 years. Now she's pissed and angry and miserable. Yay. no one's gonna do that. So I'm just saying for younger generations, this may be the way it shows up. And for generations like us, it's a good thing to recognize. Not to be pissed about, but to recognize and applaud
Jeannine Thill (14:44)Yes.
Jessica (15:07)and reflect back and copy. ⁓
Jeannine Thill (15:10)Yeah, yeah, no, totally.
Yeah, There are so much much more comfortable discussing this versus definitely my Gen Xers not so good at being willing to or wanting to discuss it. And I think there is I think too it was hard for me as I was actually diagnosed right before the pandemic. And then I felt when I started to tell people it was right during the pandemic when everybody was getting
Diagnosed so I think there's a lot of the you too. Yeah, my neighbor says they have it too And my co-worker says they have it everybody apparently has it now And wanting to say but isn't that good that all these people are getting diagnosed ⁓ it's not a fad.
Jessica (15:45)Right?
No matter what your decision, the choice is yours.
If you do decide that you want to disclose your diagnosis in a professional setting, it's totally fine to practice saying it in a simple professional way. So we might say, I have a HD, which means sometimes I need, and then we would include our specific support name. The idea is to keep it focused on solutions. also sometimes in coaching, we use a technique called bottom lining. it's when you
Take that long group of sentences that you've worked out in your head and you practice a hundred times and you keep taking out as many words as you can until it's a short sentence that is still comprehensible when you say it out loud, You can still comprehend and other people can still understand what you're saying. if you're going to disclose any type of needs or support that you want or need at work, try bottom lining. It will be your best bet.
Jeannine Thill (16:16)you
Yep.
Very true. I'm sure we'll talk about this in some other podcasts, but a lot of them don't have to be formal accommodations. a lot of them can be some really easy fixes. keep it on focused on solutions. a lot of times it's really easy to come up with those. So you've told all these people, are you going to tell these people?
One thing we know and we've already kind of talked about is just the different reactions that you can get because not everyone's going to be excited for you and we've kind of touched on that and some people might be skeptics as well.
Jessica (17:05)the skeptics. Skepticism. the, the issue is, and you will find that you will get this, the more you become comfortable with your ADHD and the more you become comfortable in discussing it in open situations. those reactions come like, really? my God, you don't look like you have ADHD. ⁓ I totally have it too. ADHD doesn't exist. You just need to focus more.
Jeannine Thill (17:21)Mm-hmm.

(01:46):
Jessica (17:28)It's made up, try harder, self-discipline, yada yada, that type of thing, right? And we get so much skepticism over that. But the one that just enrages me the most, everyone has ADHD these days, or everybody has a little bit of ADHD. And that's the one that I can get up on a soapbox about. No, everyone does not have a little bit of ADHD.
Jeannine Thill (17:43)Yes.
which is why
we talked about it in episode two. go listen to that one if you haven't
Jessica (17:55)Yes.
Jeannine Thill (18:00)I think for me what it was too is having people who knew a little bit about ADHD, but again, it goes back to that, the little boy who can't sit still in class or someone who had a relative whose brother has ADHD talks very fast and has always got something going on and, know,
change of subjects halfway through his sentences. And people still, I think because that's so easy to see that there was that skepticism of them. I think that was the like, well, you don't seem like you have it. I don't see you jumping off the walls or all those little things. people who I knew understood ADHD was a, you know, it existed, were skeptical cause I didn't present the way they thought I should.
Jessica (18:29)Right.
Jeannine Thill (18:40)or what they thought were what it meant to have ADHD. Because I still think, especially for women, the inattentive type, most people have no clue. that was kind of a surprise that people who I thought would be more supportive, it's not that they weren't supportive. It just felt like there was a skepticism of as you said that, really? Because you don't look like you have it. You don't act like you have it.
Jessica (19:02)And there are also some who have it and they want to try to prove that they don't.
Jeannine Thill (19:08)what's the bottom line, Jess?
Jessica (19:10)The bottom line is that you get to choose who you tell, when you tell them, and how much details you share. There's no rule book about it, but it is something that I believe we should all take the time and really look at. No rule book, but definitely an opportunity to understand and set our own boundaries.
Jeannine Thill (19:29)definitely. who we share, we talk to about it, definitely you're prerogative. that might change. You might find that there's a friend who's super supportive. maybe you end up talking to them a lot more than you do to a sister, or maybe a partner. If it's somebody who you can really talk to about the symptoms and how it's impacting your life.
⁓ it's okay if that circle changes over time. You might tell more people as you grow into your diagnosis or fewer as you realize not everyone needs to have access to that part of your story. Not everybody needs to know.
Send us a message, leave a comment or share your story. And remember your diagnosis is yours, share it on your own terms.
And then we have our damn fucking tag line thing that we still don't have. To say goodbye.
Jessica (20:10)Maybe, right?
Never goodbye, always later.
Jeannine Thill (20:14)We'll see you later. There you go.
I'm just talking about it.