January 28, 2025 • 56 mins
Friendship drama, tough moral dilemmas, and a whole lot of opinions—welcome to our ‘Am I the A-Hole?’ deep dive! This week, we’re breaking down some of the juiciest AITA stories from Reddit, unpacking the messiest friendship scenarios, and deciding who’s classy, who’s crass, and who’s just plain wrong.
In this episode, we’re tackling:
- Tricky friendship dilemmas—who’s at fault, and who just needs a reality check? - What makes or breaks a friendship in high-stakes situations - Our unfiltered takes on who’s really the A-hole (and if the internet got it right!)
Tune in now for laughs, debates, and maybe a little self-reflection.
AITA TIMESTAMPS:
00:15:52 AITA for staying in a hotel while my friend was trapped overnight inside the airport?
00:25:00 AITA for telling my friend not to come if she’s bringing her kid?
00:32:40 AITA for snapping at my friend who keeps ditching me because I now have a child?
Quick disclaimer, friends – we're not doctors, just two people who love to share ideas and experiences. This podcast is for fun and informational purposes only. It's not meant to replace professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. If you have questions about your health, definitely reach out to your doctor or a qualified health professional. Take care of yourselves and use what feels right for you!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Robin (00:09):
welcome to The Art of classiness podcast, a show where we redefine what it means to be a classy lady and sometimes it's messy. I'm Robin and I'm Deborah,
Deborah (00:19):
two friends turned classy ladies, we're here to discuss life's ups and downs, navigating the complexities of adulthood and how the gift of friendship is essential to belonging.
Robin (00:28):
This week, we are exploring the world of Reddit, bringing you some juicy Am I the asshole stories that explore the UPS downs and unexpected twists of friendship. So
Deborah (00:38):
follow along, give us your feedback, and don't forget to like and subscribe. What's up, classy ladies and gentlemen. Hello.
How are
you today?
Robin (00:48):
I am well. I started the day off right with the ketamine treatment. Okay, here
Deborah (00:54):
we go. Do you want to just give us a high level like overview? You don't have to dive deep into it, but how are you feeling now, after having done it,
Robin (01:05):
I always feel really good after like just calmer. It helps a lot with my anxiety. I've just begun a treatment plan. This was only my second session, but it's the kind of thing. As you stack on more sessions, you start to see more benefits. So I'm doing like, once a week now, and then eventually you do once a month. So it's supposed to be really great for depression, anxiety, PTSD, and that has been my experience so far.
Deborah (01:32):
So great. Thank you for sharing that as well. I think it's just really powerful for people to hear all the different ways that we can take care of ourselves, and I'm proud of you for taking care of you. Mental health is the most important thing. Mental health is health true? Well, great. You know, I need to get myself one of those sad lamps, the like seasonal affective disorder lamps, oh, that people in the Midwest use because we, like, haven't seen the sun. It has been so cold this week that my boys actually had school canceled for it being too cold to go to school. That is bizarre. The wind chill, or the real feel was negative 10 at one point just blistering. So I am ready. And honestly, it's wild, because today is 28 degrees, and it feels so much warmer, like I actually unzipped my jacket on the walk that I just went on, because I was like, Oh, it's getting kind of warm, like it's crazy, how quickly you acclimate to it. So I am ready for some sun back in my life, and really to just dive into this episode today, because I gotta tell you, I am not a huge Reddit person me either, but one video on social media that I will never skip is, am I the asshole readings and so, you know, Robin and I obviously talk a lot about friendship dynamics and social decorum. And so we thought, what better way to go about this episode than to talk about maybe the uglier side of friendship when it comes to asking yourself, am I the asshole,
Robin (03:12):
or is my friend an asshole and we shouldn't be friends? Yeah.
Deborah (03:16):
But what's funny is, you know, in our initial research to find great stories. Some of these people are asking, am I the asshole? But they're really asking, Is my friend the asshole? They just don't want to put it like that, right, but in their recounting of what happened, it feels a little heavy handed on one side or the other. So yeah, Robin and I each have two scenarios that we are going to share and discuss. Give our opinion. Give our opinion, and we would love to hear your opinion on whether or not these people are assholes or not the assholes. I also want to say if my mom has figured out how to download and listen to podcasts by now, I just want to apologize for saying the word asshole so many times. I grew up in a household that we did not swear. Even now as an adult, I have a hard time swearing in front of my parents. So Mom, I'm sorry, please forgive me. I'll wash my mouth out with soap later.
Robin (04:16):
My mom gave up on me a long time ago. She still makes comments now and again, but
Deborah (04:23):
yeah, we are actually adults now. It's true, we gotta make these decisions, but I will always feel 16 years old. Totally. Whenever I go home, I try to catch myself. It's hard. It is hard, it really is. So
Robin (04:37):
I was thinking we could just take turns. Do you want to go first? I
Deborah (04:43):
will go first. And this one is a doozy. We got a lot to unpack, so let's dive in. All right, am I the asshole for refusing to attend my best friend's wedding after she replaced me as maid of honor because I'm, quote, too fat. I. I'm pregnant and asking her to pay me back for everything, that's a lot. Okay, I 27 female, have been best friends with Claire. 28 female since high school, when she asked me to be her maid of honor, I was thrilled and went all out to make her wedding special. I paid for the bridal shower, bachelorette party, a weekend trip, decorations and other expenses, spending several $1,000 while it was a lot of money for my husband and me, I wanted to make her big day perfect, because she's like family to me. Two months ago, I shared that I'm four months pregnant. Claire congratulated me, but started acting distant afterward. She excluded me from conversations about the wedding and made passive comments about how hard it is to coordinate when people are, quote, distracted. I brushed it off, thinking it was wedding stress. A few days ago, she sat me down and told me she didn't want me in the wedding anymore. Her reason I'm, quote, getting too fat. She doesn't want me in the pictures. She said she has a specific vision for her wedding, and I no longer fit it. I was devastated. I asked if this was about my pregnancy, but she insisted it wasn't personal. Oh, it's not personal. It's just about the way you look and the way I want things to look like. What she said she was replacing me as maid of honor with another friend who fit her esthetic. I told her, if I wasn't in the wedding, I wouldn't be attending at all. I also handed her the receipts for everything I'd pay for and told her or her fiance, they needed to reimburse me, since I'd only spent the money as her maid of honor, Claire flipped out, calling me selfish and accusing me of trying to ruin her wedding. She said it was tacky to ask for the money back, and that expenses like
(06:57):
these were my responsibility as maid of honor. I reminded her, she removed me from that role so those expenses were no longer mine. Since then, Claire, her fiance and even her family, has beenspamming me with calls and texts. They accused me of being petty and overreacting because of pregnancy hormones. They're also saying I should have let it go and written off the money because weddings are stressful and Claire didn't mean to hurt me. My husband has been incredibly supportive and says I did the right thing. He's furious at how Claire treated me and agrees that I shouldn't be out 1000s of dollars for a wedding I'm not part of. I feel heartbroken and humiliated by someone I thought was my best friend. Still, the constant backlash has made me second guess myself. Am I the asshole for standing up for myself and asking for reimbursement? Should I have just quietly stepped aside? Hell no. Hmm, what are your thoughts, Robin,
Robin (07:55):
not the asshole? Your friend is a terrible bride, bride Zilla, when you spent 1000s of dollars as her maid of honor, and you're just asking for it back, because she basically fired you as her best friend.
Deborah (08:07):
Yeah, you got fired, and for the most petty reason imaginable. That's so petty, first of all, the complete lack of awareness that when you get pregnant, you gain weight. And sure, we would all love to have a cute little belly. The compliment I never received when I was pregnant was, oh, it looks like you just swallowed a basketball. I never got that one. Never got that one. So not everybody has this beautiful, perfect belly. A lot of times you gain it in parts of your body that you didn't even know could store that much fat. So you already are putting this person, what did she say? Her alias was? Oh, she doesn't. Oh, people call them op. Thank you, resident young person. Okay, so we already have to assume that the OP, or original poster for the lay folk that she is hypersensitive to how she's looking anyway. So for the bride to say it's because you're getting too fat when there is no solution for her to lose weight before this wedding, right? The solution is to have the baby and then who knows what the postpartum bounce back journey is going to look for clearly, it's not something she can do. It's an immovable conflict, but the source of it being that she's too fat to me, it's like, I don't even know why you would engage with this friend any further for that reason alone, well, and
Robin (09:35):
maybe she won't like, dude, honestly, I feel like stuff like this is more common now because of social media. Yes, like this girl is thinking about how everything's going to look online. She's not thinking about the experience anymore.
Deborah (09:55):
100% the fact that she keeps citing the esthetic as being. Being part of it is completely giving. I want to make the most beautiful Instagram reel ever. But what's so sad is to focus on all these completely superficial things, like you want to look like your entire wedding party is like a bunch of supermodels, because then you're associated with being this beautiful person. And we haven't even acknowledged the fact that it could be that Claire is jealous of the fact that op would be getting a lot of attention on the wedding day as a pregnant maid of honor, right? I wonder if she's worried about competing. I wouldn't
Robin (10:40):
have even thought about that. All we can do is take what we have at face value. This is the information we have. Like, her friend has a problem with her gaining weight. Like, shouldn't you just be glad that your pregnant friend is even coming to the wedding
Deborah (10:55):
100% I mean, we hear stories all the time, and sometimes, like, if it requires traveling too close to when you're due? Yeah, you might have to be like, Hey, I'm gonna have to opt out, because it's not my doctor is not advising me to travel or do this or do that, or I'm just gonna be, you know, kind of a downer that day, because I'm not gonna be able to drink. I'm gonna be tired. My feet are gonna be swollen. So she's lucky that that the original poster is even wanting to continue to be a part of this wedding. But I will say, while I don't think this person is the asshole for not wanting to attend the wedding anymore, I don't agree with asking for a reimbursement for all of these things I get that I do think, while she is not the asshole, I do think it's a little tacky, and now I don't agree with Claire or her family going after her like that just feels excessive and unnecessary when obviously the original poster is probably embarrassed as it is, right, like I would already be embarrassed that you have been kicked out of the wedding party, so it just feels like an unnecessary cruelty for everybody to be piling on. So I'm going to rule in favor of not the asshole, but wipe your hands clean. You don't need the money. It sucks that you invested emotionally and financially and someone you thought was the best friend and they betrayed you, but sometimes you just got to cut ties and walk away
Robin (12:27):
totally. And that is the classy thing to do. Yes, it is the classy thing to do. But there is a part of me that's like, Claire's being such an awful friend, I can see the desire to be just as awful back. I could see it like, OP is incredibly hurt, and when people are hurt, they sometimes make decisions that maybe aren't the best, right? Yeah, like, I'm for her asking for her money back, because the reason why Claire unbrides meded her is because she's too fat, so ridiculous. That's so shallow. It's so shallow, and that's why I'm kind of okay with her asking for her money back. Yeah, this friendships over, give me my money like I'm not even okay with you enjoying all the things that I like. It's so hurtful what she said, Yeah, I don't know how you go back
Deborah (13:22):
from that. It is definitely a proportionate response, I will say that. But on the other hand, think about all the money OP is saving by not being in this person's life anymore, right? Because maybe she hadn't even gotten to the point where she bought the wedding gift. So you're cutting that expense when you physically go to a wedding, you have to pay for hair, you have to pay for makeup, you have to get the accessories. You're going to tip the bartender, or, you know, maybe in this case, she wouldn't be because she's hopefully not drinking. But you know, you pay for the Uber like, you end up paying more the day of the wedding. And then if she's going to be in this person's life, that's baby showers. You don't have to worry about housewarming presents. So I think she's probably gonna walk out in the green and not have to worry about what she's already spent so far.
Robin (14:09):
Fair,
Deborah (14:10):
but yeah, not the asshole. Not the asshole. Okay, this top comment, not the asshole. Glad your husband has your back. Both of you can enjoy some quiet time instead of Claire's esthetic. You shouldn't be out 1000s of dollars, but you are now out one friend. Unfortunately, she's picked photos of her friendship. I see no problem asking for reimbursement for the money you spent in the role you got fired from. If need be file in small claims court and be petty and do it before the wedding to recoup your money. Pregnancy hormones have nothing to do with this. Of course, you're overreacting because they want you to believe it really isn't a big deal, and you should let it go. Translation, they don't have the funds to repay you. If Claire didn't mean to hurt you, she wouldn't have done. What she did and she would apologize profusely. Neither of those happen, because she's not really a friend. ETA. First of all, what does eta mean?
Robin (15:10):
Everyone that's asking, oh, I just guessed that probably
Deborah (15:14):
is okay, since folks are wondering if this can even be taken to small claims court, anybody can sue in small claims court for just about anything. Op may not get her money back, but she sure would be a pain in the ass for the bride, petty queen, right here. Yes.
Robin (15:34):
Isn't that the whole Judge Judy thing? It's small claims court, right? Yes, 100% Yeah. I love that trash. I declare no assholes detected. Declared her name's Claire. Oh,
Deborah (15:49):
that's right, that's right. Love it. Okay. Do you want to read one of yours? Yeah, all right,
Robin (15:55):
am I the asshole for staying in a hotel while my friend was trapped overnight inside the airport. Hmm, my best friend and I, 20 female, recently went on a trip to the UK. I actually have a UK passport, since my dad is British, but my friend had to get a UK visa. We were supposed to take two flights, one that would arrive in France, and a connecting flight that would fly to the UK. However, the second flight ended up being canceled. The next available flight wasn't until 2pm the next day, so we would have to wait around 17 hours. The passengers were allowed to stay in nearby hotels for free. However, this didn't apply to people like my friend, who wasn't legally allowed to leave the airport because she didn't have a visa for Europe. Instead, she had to stay within a specific area of the airport that had these bright ceiling lights that would stay on. 24/7 there was construction nearby, so there was this extremely loud drilling noise. Every so often, all the available seats were taken by other passengers, so my friend had to sleep on the floor. Plus, earlier that day, water got spilled on our phone chargers, and her phone was only 40% I had the option to stay with her, but I chose to go to the hotel instead. She was furious with me, accusing me of being a fake friend. She told me she was scared of being alone in a creepy, unknown place, and wanted me there to comfort her, and I assured her that I'll be back by the morning. She said I was acting selfish for not even spending one night with her, but I hadn't gotten any sleep in over 24 hours, and I didn't see why both of us had to suffer. Am I the asshole? Ooh.
Deborah (17:41):
Ooh, you know, I can see both sides, sure. So in defense of each of them, here are my thoughts. On one hand, you don't leave your friend at an airport in another country, okay, so this is sometimes where traveling with friends can really reveal a lot about how you get along, like traveling, taking down Christmas lights, some of these stress building activities can really show you a lot about conflict management, if you will. So in some ways, this feels like maybe a good thing for them to experience. I still think it is unsafe to leave a friend in a foreign country in an airport. Like, hello, France is literally the location of the first taken movie. Okay? Like, who even knows? Now, mind you, it would probably be hard to smuggle somebody out of the airport. Or maybe it's really easy. We have no idea. So leaving her friend high and dry is not only mean, but she would have had to make this hotel reservation, like on the spot in the airport. You know, it's not like, oh, I had this reservation. I was counting on you to be able to go. I didn't realize you didn't have a passport in this country. I'm going to lose the money. I don't know what to do if you and I were in that situation, and you had a hotel, I would not want to hold you back from going there. But if I watched you make that reservation while I knew I couldn't go. Yeah, I would be pissed. I would definitely be pissed. What do you think? Absolutely
Robin (19:21):
like, yes, it sucks. It's a shitty situation, but that's what makes friendship stronger, baby like, you turn that into a slumber party. You make it a story to tell your friends later. You know, yeah, it sucks. Probably not going to get the best sleep, but you're there for your friend, you're in it together. Yeah, I don't know. I wouldn't have it in me to leave anybody unless you like, slapped me across the face and pushed me and said, bitch, if you don't leave right now, maybe I would go or maybe I would return with a cookie for you.
Deborah (19:55):
Now, here's the other thing, where I feel like maybe the friend is little bit of playing the Vic. Them that line where she's, like, all of the seats were taken. I'm like, you can go to other gates in it. You know what I mean? Well, it says that she had to stay in a specific area. And every single, I don't know, maybe I'm just, but I've never flown into what I'm assuming is the Paris airport.
Robin (20:17):
Well, it's the international side, probably, yeah, so it's, I don't know.
Deborah (20:23):
I'm just wondering, like, in times where I've had really long layovers, I walk around, I explore, and maybe the international part is very small, although I kind of doubt that, because that feels like a huge international hub to fly in and out of. But now we're getting to the point where it's like, now we're just, like, complaining about, like, literally every single thing.
Robin (20:45):
It seems like maybe She's exaggerating. Yes, 100%
Deborah (20:50):
like every single seat was taken. I couldn't even lay down. It's like, you're telling me that with the way that the Labor Party moves in Paris and France, that there's going to be construction happening at night. I don't think so, honey. Okay, those people are clocking out at five o'clock, whatever their equivalent of a union is, yeah, they're not going to be working nights over there. I'm going to tell you that much right now. So it does feel like the friend is piling on to make the OP feel worse, yeah, but I still think that she should not have left her Yeah, in the airport. Like, you're totally right. That could have been another just adventure to the story. You know what I mean? Like, yeah, we're gonna buckle down, we're gonna build a fork, we're gonna buy some blankets at the whatever. It's called, duty free, yeah?
Robin (21:38):
Like, hey, I can leave this area. I'm gonna go to duty free, yes, yeah, cannabis, some booze,
Deborah (21:44):
and we're gonna party. That's a very good point. Her friend could leave the airport and come back. I'm gonna leave, find us some food. I'm gonna bring it in, or I'm gonna, you know what I mean, like something where you can be the hero. Be the hero. Instead, she was the zero. Ooh,
Robin (22:00):
that's good, yeah, that is good. Yeah. It doesn't matter how you try to paint this picture. You're the asshole. In fact, you made yourself seem more like an asshole by making the situation seem worse. Like, yeah, if it was a better situation, it might be easier to leave your friend. Mm, hmm,
Deborah (22:17):
I don't know. No, I totally agree exactly. It's that. It's one thing. If she had been, like, she had access to the Delta lounge, and she was gonna have plenty from there, if anything else, like, maybe you could have gotten her into one of those, like, nicer lounges, or could have loaned her some money to do that. I've
Robin (22:34):
brought friends food from the lounge. Like, yeah, I'm that person. What do you need me to steal
Deborah (22:40):
that's so nuts. I'll smuggle it out 100% I'll smuggle it out.
Robin (22:45):
I just, I don't know, because I've never flown through it. I just find it hard to believe that if you are connecting through Paris, that you're stuck in a little box and that you have no access to like food or other gates that are not occupied. It's a little strange. Yeah, so I'm leaning towards the OP being the asshole on this one. Totally agreed. There we go. Assholes declared top comment, yeah, you're the asshole. That was a really shitty thing to do on a smaller scale, it reminds me of a friend who told me she wanted to go to a certain touring Broadway show with her and how excited she was to see it with me. I couldn't afford the $300 seat she wanted to buy, and told her, but said that I could afford the $100 seats about 15 rows back. She just brushed me off and said, Well, this is where I'm sitting. She was very surprised, Pikachu, when I told her she would have to enjoy the show alone. Then we are not friends anymore. That was 20 years ago. I still keep in touch with her sister, and from what I understand, my ex friend only has one friend whom she sees maybe once a year, and her sister's word she's lucky. Their friend lives far away and only spends seven days with her a year, where she wouldn't even have that friend and has never been able to keep a romantic relationship for more than a few months, and it's all due to that type of selfishness. Consider the fact that what you did was even worse. It wasn't just wanting to sit away from her in a better seat. It was abandoning her in a foreign country where she was scared. Major asshole thing to do. I know you're only 20, so I'm willing to give you a tiny bit of leeway due to that, but please learn now that your whole Why should both of us suffer? Attitude will not serve you well in life. You'll lose many more friends than you make. You'll be alienated at work, and you'll find yourself alone more often than not, selfishness like yours isn't attractive, not even to other selfish people.
Deborah (24:42):
I mean, talk about the ghost of asshole future right there coming in to scare you late night. You're gonna end up alone and you're not gonna have any friends if you keep it up. That's pretty much what that comment said. Okay,
Robin (24:58):
that's so good. You. Okay, am
Deborah (25:01):
I the asshole for telling my friend not to come if she's bringing her kid? Spicy topic, right off the gate. Mm, hmm. One of my nearly 30 friends threw a get together at a restaurant for my birthday. The place has a bar where we're going to be hanging out. The plan was to get a bit tipsy and order appetizers. My husband and I have a three year old, but we're hiring a babysitter for the night. We rented out a private room with a bar. My other friend, missy, has a five year old daughter. She mentioned she was going to bring her. I offered to pay my babysitter extra to watch her daughter. Macy said no, because her daughter is in daycare all day and doesn't want to have to then be with a sitter, I said, I understand, but I don't think it's appropriate for her to come one, I know our group, we're going to get rowdy, and I don't want to censor myself. Two, missy's daughter is like a lot of five year olds. She doesn't sit still, wants to run over the place. Missy admits she doesn't bring her to restaurants much because she doesn't know how to act. But I also know that Missy will just sort of let her as she's very permissive. I spoke to my friend who put it together and said, I don't want any kids there. There's a reason I got a sitter for my own kid, that friend agreed and told Missy not to bring her daughter. Missy has now thrown a fit and said she's not coming. I said I completely understand there are events I have missed because I don't want to leave my daughter, and the group understands, as we all have kids, I told Missy, I'd be glad to have a play date another time with our kids so we can still hang out. I told Missy, I can't stop her from coming to the restaurant, but we absolutely will not allow her to come into the private room. She's very hurt that we are excluding her. Am I the asshole for not wanting a kid at my party and telling my friend she can't come if she brings her? Also, if it's relevant, Missy didn't pay for the rented room. Two
(27:04):
of my other friends did as a gift for me. So it's not as if I'm telling her she can't come to something she's paid for. What do we think? Not
Robin (27:12):
the asshole? Your friend is an asshole. What? She's not being excluded. She's excluding herself. Op gave her so many opportunities to figure something out, even offered to pay for a babysitter. Are you kidding me? Get out of here, missy, yeah.
Deborah (27:27):
And I completely understand this dynamic, because even though, when all of your friends have kids, not everybody parents the same way, it's true that can have, like a little bit of friction when one person is totally fine with leaving their kid with a babysitter and someone else is like, No, I've not seen my daughter all day. I need to be with her, which, as a parent, I completely understand. Like, it's really hard when you're trying to balance being a working mom. Have you already feel bad that your kid is in daycare? You just want to spend that extra time, but this is not like a last minute thing to plan a party where you rent a private room. Feels like you have plenty of time to figure out another solution, or at least come to terms with the fact that this is going to be one day where I don't interact with my child much, yeah, so I'm going to set additional time aside to have, like, a play date with just my kid. Second the kid is going to have a terrible time at this party. Kids don't want to
Robin (28:27):
be there. You're not getting quality time with your kid when you're at a restaurant on a bunch of adults, 100% the
Deborah (28:33):
kid's not going to want to be there. Let's face it, they probably are either going to be running around, which means, as a parent, you're not enjoying that time. Or two, they're going to be on their iPad or screens or calling or doing something to keep them distracted, so it's not quality time with them. And a five year old, if you're going to be at daycare all day and then do something extra stimulating at night, you are going to have a meltdown. Absolutely. Kids need that downtime. Kids need routine. They need to unwind. And the closest thing to a routine in this situation is going to a babysitter that's going to mimic the same routine. Okay, now we're going to play. Now it's time to eat. Now it's bedtime, like that's going to keep things to a similar schedule, then disrupting them by going to a bar, if you are doing a dinner bar combination, my guess is that this party is probably starting after seven. Otherwise they probably would have said happy hour. It's almost bedtime. That's almost bedtime for a kid. That's way too late to bring them to a bar. You know? Yeah,
Robin (29:38):
yeah. I completely agree. Well, and op even offered to make separate plans with her. Hey, I get it. Yeah, no problem. And then Missy still chooses to play the victim. Yeah,
Deborah (29:49):
it's a victim card, for sure. I would guess that maybe there's something more going on under the surface. You know, it sounds like maybe Missy is stressed about a. Lot of things, and this is maybe an outlet for whatever frustration is happening, or maybe Missy has been put in this position a lot and feels like they're not being considerate of her. Being a working mom, we don't know. It's usually never just about the thing that you throw a fit about sure if you're going to get to a point where you throw a fit, that means you've had some hot water boiling for me. Yeah,
Robin (30:23):
you know, yeah. I wonder if she's a single mom. Does it say? It doesn't,
Deborah (30:30):
it doesn't say, so maybe Missy is a single mom, and that's just like an extra stress. I
Robin (30:35):
wonder if she's a single mom and like, yeah, like, if I can't pick up my kid, then no one does kind of thing,
Deborah (30:41):
right? Which I totally get, I totally understand. But sorry, missy,
Robin (30:47):
it's still not your friend's fault for wanting to celebrate their birthday the way that they want to celebrate it. It's their birthday. It's
Deborah (30:53):
their birthday. It's not just like a random night out, it's a birthday. Yeah,
Robin (30:58):
that's the one day a year. You do get to be selfish. This is what I want to do. Whoever wants to join me come Yeah, no kids, I
Deborah (31:07):
will say I was kind of preparing myself for the OP to be the asshole, just from the first sentence where she said one of my nearly 30 friends, it's like, okay, we get it. You're popular. Nearly 30 friends. Come on, that's a lot of people. Like, is this a wedding? I couldn't get 30 people to do anything for me, let alone coordinate a birthday party. That's insane. So good for her. I bet she is in her 20s. Now that I say that, I'm realizing I thought she was there in her 30s, just because it said 30, yeah, but yeah, maybe they're in their 20s, and that's why I used to have so many friends. Anyway, not the asshole, not the asshole. This top comment, Robin mirrors something that you said you offered a reasonable solution and she refused. When a person chooses a lifestyle, they have to deal with whatever comes with it, but they aren't entitled to special treatment, especially when people of similar lifestyle have adapted. We've all had to miss out on something for one reason or another. Plenty of parents have had to make this choice before. She's not letting herself be an independent adult outside of parenthood, and this could have been a great evening for her to blow off some steam and come back more parenty than ever. I have a couple of friends who regret not taking up babysitting offers earlier in their parenting journeys to allow themselves to be grounded. It's a shame, really. I really agree with that sentiment. Yeah.
Robin (32:34):
Well, put it. Rounded off. Everything we're saying very well. Rounded off perfectly. Okay, my turn. Let's hear it. Am I the asshole for snapping at my friend who keeps ditching me because I now have a child? Okay? Just over two years ago, I female 29 unexpectedly got pregnant and now have a beautiful 18 month old daughter, Ciara. Over that time, my friend's circle got considerably smaller, but my best friend remained Mia, female, 31 Mia doesn't have kids, nor wants kids, but she's been brilliant with Sierra. I'm a stay at home mom, and obviously don't have as much time to hang out as I did previously. Mia and I live in the same street. We're in Manchester, England, and it's walking distance between our houses. I've told Mia numerous times that she can just pop in whenever she wants to. She works from home, but she rarely does. She did at the beginning, but it's been happening less and less. Instead, she keeps suggesting we go out for coffee or pizza or even a drink, but I don't have the time, and always just tell her to come over and we'll have coffee at my place. She asked if I wanted to go out with her and her other friends for a drink last weekend. I said no, but she's welcome to come over and we'll have a few drinks at mine. She says she already had plans, and it felt weird to drink when she knows there's a child around. Honestly, I felt neglected. I feel like she put me on a back burner and doesn't want to be friends anymore. I'm always available, but she rarely comes over, and I don't think that's fair. Today, I saw her photos from Saturday night out, and I was fuming. She ditched me just so she could go and drink like she's 20 again. I feel rejected and horrible. I thought we were best friends, but she clearly doesn't value me when she won't even have a few drinks with me at my house, when she finished work, she called and asked if I fancied going for coffee, but I asked her to come over again. She said yes, but before she disconnected, I heard her
(34:38):
mumble like always. This really annoyed me. When she came over, I decided to be open about everything, and while not my proudest or most mature moment, I shouted at her that she's an awful friend,that she barely comes over, and if she doesn't want to spend time with me, to just say it and stop playing around. She said she's always been accommodating, but it's. In two years, and she doesn't want to spend time with me when there's always a kid, especially now when she has to watch her language. Mia likes to swear. I said that she knew I had a child and responsibilities, and she said that Tom, my partner could take care of CR once in a while so I could have a time off. This felt really intrusive, and I told her to mind her own business and not meddle ill in my marriage. I was really angry with her and kicked her out. She called me a selfish asshole on her way out. Normally, I would expect her to call by now with apologies, but she hasn't done so, and I'm starting to wonder, was I the asshole, or was she perhaps I was too harsh and should have been more careful with discussing it. Am I the asshole? Yeah,
Deborah (35:43):
I would chase that feeling absolutely. Chase that feeling you're almost there. You've almost got it.
Robin (35:53):
It sounds like your friend has made multiple attempts to spend time with you, but you only want to do it on your terms,
Deborah (36:02):
1,000% I mean, no, it is not the same to be at a pub when you are they're still in their 20s, right? I think you said she was 2831
Robin (36:12):
and 29 the mom is 29 okay? I
Deborah (36:15):
mean, 30s are the new 20s. Anyway, you're still in that young fun era. Okay, going to someone's house who has a baby is not the same as being in a bar, catching up like you lose that like, you know, excitement, that exhilaration of being out on the town. And while it's nice that she did that and was accommodating for it seems like a good period of time, 18 months. I mean, come on, lady, leave the baby at home every once in a while, like, I also don't like that. She's being judgmental, saying that, Oh, you drank like you were in your 20s. She basically is still in her 20s.
Robin (36:51):
So yeah, and sounds like she's single. She doesn't have kids. She do whatever she wants. Yeah, jealous much?
Deborah (37:01):
What's crazy to me is she thought her friend would apologize. Meanwhile, she is the one who picked the fight. She is the one that was like, I decided to let her have it. Well, then why?
Robin (37:14):
She's the one that feels slighted, right? She feels
Deborah (37:18):
slighted, but she's wrong. Unfortunately, she's wrong. Her feelings might be valid. Of being slighted. What she's really mad at is that she doesn't have that life anymore. You know, she's mad that she can't just go to a bar and be reckless. There are too many responsibilities now. Even if she did have the night off, she probably couldn't let herself be emotionally free of the tethers of motherhood, because when you go out and you have a young child, always in the back of your head, you're like, this kid's gonna be up at six in the morning. I'm gonna have to wake up so early, like she may still be breastfeeding too. So it's like, I get that she is jealous that she cannot do what her friend is doing, but her anger seems completely misdirected, and especially if she does have a partner, I don't think it's meddling for her friend to say, Why can't he just watch the baby? Like that's a very valid requests. And to me, hints at maybe the fact that, like, maybe her partner doesn't do that very often, and that could be a sore subject,
Robin (38:29):
you know, yeah, like, mind your own business. Like she just made a suggestion. Like, when you have your kid around, your friend does not have your full attention ever, uh, no, and that's what she's wanting. She wants to spend some genuine time together. And you can't do that when there's a kid around. No, you absolutely can. She's happy to come over and hang out, but she doesn't want to do that every time you guys get together. And I wouldn't either,
Deborah (38:56):
yeah, to me, it feels like almost a superiority complex of like, well, I have the house. Why don't you come here? Oh, I am more established. Why don't you come to me? You know
Robin (39:07):
which? Listen, we do do that here in Austin with our pal, Melissa. But she also, she has an awesome house. They always make really delicious food. They have a pool. Like, they're ready to host, yeah, they're not just like, come over while we take care of kids. They're like, come over because leaving is hard, but we'll still have fun. Yeah, come over and have fun. I don't see that here. No, it's like, come and sit in my sad house with unfolded laundry.
Deborah (39:35):
Yeah, no, and you're totally right about the fact that, like, you just never have someone's full attention if there's a kid around, sometimes it's hard to even have phone conversations when your friend has a small child. You know, when they're really young and helpless and you're like, what's that, sweetheart? No, we can't go to the park right now. No, I said we'll talk later. Okay, mommy's on the phone. I'm sorry. What were you saying? No, sweetheart, put that down. Sweetheart. Sweetheart is you're just like, Oh my God, just call me back when the kid is asleep. Like, so
Robin (40:07):
accurate.
Deborah (40:10):
It is so hard and like I, quite frankly, I did not do well in early childhood. I am so grateful that my boys are older now, eight and 10, and every day I say, this is the absolute youngest I ever want to have kids. Every day I say that because I would never you couldn't drag me back to that time period because I did not handle it well. So that's when I realized, like, oh, I don't like stimulation. Oh, this noise is driving me into an asylum, so it's hard enough to even just be yourself in early childhood parenting. So I'm sorry, but this this friend needs to really do some self evaluation. Needs to let go of the life she does not have anymore and start allowing herself to go out and have fun every once in a while, you know, yeah,
Robin (41:07):
allow yourself to get dolled up, enjoy time with friends like rediscover yourself. So many moms lose who they are when they have a baby, and maybe that's something that this OP is struggling with as well.
Deborah (41:22):
Yeah, and I think most importantly, this friendship can be saved, though, if she does apologize, yeah, she's gotta own up. She's gotta own up to what she did. And another thing she said that I relate to and makes me sad for her, is she said, since she had the kid, her circle has gotten really small, so don't push away the people who showed up for you during that time when you had a disruptive thing happen. An unplanned pregnancy is, like, very disruptive, you know, yeah, especially if you're in your late 20s, even that's like, that can be hard. So don't push away the people that have been there for you. The best friends are elastic. They can stretch out far and then come back. I love that. So hopefully this is an elastic friend. Do
Robin (42:08):
you like that? I do. I'm a little rubber band friend. Rubber Band friend.
Deborah (42:13):
You know, you push each other, they come back. Hopefully that would be the case for these two, yeah,
Robin (42:17):
hopefully they work it out. There's no update. So, asshole, in this scenario, yes, you are the asshole. Top comment, you're the asshole. She didn't ditch you. She asked you to go out with her friends as she'd made plans. She's not drinking like she's 20. She's drinking like someone who doesn't have a child. PS, she's right. Your partner can look after your daughter once in a while and should do to try and bond with her, I would say I have to agree. Yeah, sounds like we have good opinions. Yeah, I think we're right on track. Okay, that was fun. So good. We're thinking about making this a recurring segment, like once a month. So if you enjoyed this episode, we'd love to get some feedback. Let us know if this is something you want to keep hearing,
Deborah (43:08):
yeah, or even, like, if there's a totally different subreddit that we should fall down. I know this is a pretty popular one. I want to know, like the dark corners of Reddit. So let us know. Not too dark, though.
Robin (43:22):
Okay, Deborah, so what is the classiest thing you saw this week? So
Deborah (43:27):
as I mentioned earlier, it is like bitter cold outside, super cold. Most of the schools were closed in our area, and I was just getting ready to make dinner. It was about six o'clock at night, and the whole house goes dark, and we had not just a power outage, but like a huge area of Columbus, had lost power.
Robin (43:54):
Oh my gosh,
Deborah (43:56):
which is not ideal when it is already cold and just the way that my house is laid out, I have a great room, which just means it's, like, never really warm in the winter. So already I was just like, Oh my gosh. Like, it's gonna be freezing in here. I don't have any firewood. And I was like, oh, I'll just run to the store and get firewood. But my garage door was shut so I couldn't leave my house. And thankfully, right at that time, you know, the neighborhood group, group chat fires up, and everyone's like, did you guys this power too? We were chit chatting, and one of my neighbors had just ordered pizza because her son was having his birthday party that night. We were actually all supposed to go to top golf, but Top Golf closed early because obviously it's so cold. And she said, you know, we have pizza and cupcakes here. Everybody's welcome to come over if you want. We've got a fire going, and it's actually still pretty warm in here. So I took her up on that offer. Brought the. Boys over there. That's how we ate dinner that night. Otherwise we would have had to eat like, cold ground turkey that I had made for a casserole like that was like what our options were going to have to be. I talk a lot about how my social circle has gotten smaller over the years, so it felt really good to not feel alone during that moment. Oh, yeah, and to know that I lived in a neighborhood where we're gonna have each other's backs when it comes to that kind of stuff, you know, like, I'll bring the flashlights. And even, you know, my boys were getting kind of antsy, the power wasn't supposed to come back on until like, nine. And my son was like, I kind of want to go home. And I'm like, we're just gonna go home to like, a dark and even colder house because I don't have firewood. And she said, You know, I have one of those four hour logs. Like, why don't I give you one? Oh my gosh. And at first, I was like, Oh, what if you need it? She's like, No, I just put one on. Like,
(45:55):
we'll be good, and we'll have the power back on soon. And I thought, you have to start saying, yes, when people offer you help. So I said, You know what? I will take that log. And got home, and Irealized I actually had a few logs myself, like not any that would have sustained like a fire. But came home, the boys got all the blankets, they brought games up that we were gonna play with, some candles lit, and then, like, 10 minutes later, the power came back on. And the boys were so disappointed. They were like, What? No, we just click. And I'm like, No, this is great news. It's like 55 degrees in this house. You
Robin (46:31):
could still play the games. We could turn the lights off, but we have the heat on. Yeah, we have
Deborah (46:37):
the heat on. So yes. In conclusion, classy moment, classy community to be living in, and I'm just grateful to know that I live so close to people who are going to be there when you need them.
Robin (46:49):
That's so nice. What a friendly neighbor. Yes, definitely I'm gonna jump on that neighbor train. Actually, my classiest thing last week, I told you about my best friend that lives in the neighborhood, and her husband. I had my first ketamine treatment, and you're not supposed to eat at least four hours beforehand, which means that I didn't even have breakfast, and my appointment was like 1245 or something. So by the time I got out of that session, I was ravenous, and Seth and I opened our phones to texts from them inviting us over for chili. Perfect. Hey, we made some chili. Do you want some? Like, literally, we're on our way. I was so hungry and we didn't have any food at home. I didn't know what we were gonna do, I guess maybe go somewhere, but our classy neighbors offered us a warm bowl of chili, and it was delicious, and then they gave us more to take home. The
Deborah (47:51):
best, the best, the best. Oh, that's great. Pay it forward. No. Open your heart, open your kitchen, open your living room, let people in. You know? Yeah,
Robin (48:04):
I love that. Are you ready for the classy scenario this week? I am. Let's hear it. Is it classy canceling plans last minute? Let me give you the scenario. You're feeling tired and overwhelmed on the day of a planned outing with a friend. Is it classy to cancel at the last minute, or should you go through with it to honor your commitment?
Deborah (48:27):
Poof. I mean, I this has happened to me a million times, so I have mixed feelings. I have mixed feelings too, because I will say sometimes you shouldn't make a decision in the moment, because everybody obviously comes home from work and is tired and can be run down, but sometimes you have to get out of your environment to rejuvenate, right, and
Robin (48:56):
to realize How much you needed. Yes, sat stimulation 100%
Deborah (49:02):
now, other times, though, you should have just stayed home totally right? Sometimes you have nothing left to give. And I have definitely been in this scenario a lot, because as I've gotten older, I've just become more introverted, and me too, if the plan is something that is over stimulating or like, I just am already kind of foreseeing a lot of issues with it's so easy to take the least resistance route and be like, You know what PJs TV that sounds like what I need. But at the same time, I look back at some of those moments in Austin where I was like, No, I just want to stay in and I would just, I would love to have more memories with your friends. You know, the classy thing to do, in my opinion, is to be very honest with where you are at. That mentally, let your friend know where you are and what you can give so sometimes it is, hey, I'm on my way. If I seem off, I'm just really depleted. I've had a long, busy week. I want to see you, though, so I'm going to show up, but I don't want you to read into my mood, because I'm just really kind of in a bad place right now. Yeah, or say, Hey, I'm gonna go. I'm not sure how long I can last being out tonight, but I would love to see you and catch up quickly. And honestly, that might give your friend the opportunity to let you take the out right, like, Robin, if you and I were gonna hang out and you're like, I had ketamine treatment today, and I'm really feeling emotionally exhausted. I want to see you, though I'm only going to come for like a half hour, if that's okay. The first thing I would say is, take care of yourself, Robin, if you feel like you need to stay home, I totally understand, right? Or maybe the friend can help pull you out of that place like I'm so glad you're coming. I would love for you to stay longer, but I understand if you're gonna leave, maybe once you're here, you will start to feel better. So I think honesty is the best policy. Just be transparent about what you can give and then
(51:21):
maybe it's a decision you can make together instead of feeling like you are the one just canceling plans.
Robin (51:27):
Yeah, and that's the biggest thing here is, why are you canceling? Especially if it's last minute canceling, that's where you really better have a good reason, because that means your friend took a shower, put on makeup, they're ready to go. If you cancel last minute, just because you all of a sudden, decided you don't want to or you found something better to do. No, that's not classy, not classy. But if you started your day and you're just realizing all I want to do is get home and be with my dog. You tell your friend that. And I've gotten to the point in my adulthood where I'll follow up with friends the day of, just to make sure they still want to meet up, I give them an out, yeah, every time. Hey, are we still good for tonight? Oh, I actually I forgot. Blah, blah. Okay, cool. No problem. It's music to my ears,
Deborah (52:25):
you know? Yeah, sometimes you're kind of hoping that the friend cancels plan, so you might be doing the friend a favor as well. Yeah,
Robin (52:32):
it's a win, win. Just don't make me get all dressed up and stuff, right? First, right? That's when I'd be kind of frustrated, like, because I very rarely wear makeup. But sometimes when I'm meeting friends out for like, dinner or something like, I'll try, I'll try harder. Yeah, I've had someone cancel on me after I put on makeup, that's when I got mad. Yeah,
Deborah (52:52):
for sure, and that's valid, because then you're like, Well, what am I gonna do with this pretty face now? Yeah, just leave it inside. I don't think so no one on the TV can see me. Yeah, come on. I get that. Well, yeah, I think that's the classy thing to do. Be honest. Just be honest. Be
Robin (53:09):
honest. That's how you maintain healthy relationships with friends. Yes, you don't maintain healthy relationships by lying or making up stories like sometimes it feels easier because you don't want to hurt the other person's feelings, but if you just think a little bit harder, like, there's a way where you can cancel plans without hurting the other person's feelings, you just just rephrase your sentence, like, use chat. GPT, yeah, yes. Say hey, like, I feel really bad, and add something on about making plans in the future, like, I don't know, yeah, I don't have the best prompt right now, but it has helped me curate really good responses to people in the past. It's game changer.
Deborah (53:55):
Yeah, and I'll make one final note that is sort of a bold thing to say in today's day and age, don't text them that you're canceling plans if it's gonna be last minute. I think a phone call is better even though you don't wanna do it. It sounds like the last
Robin (54:12):
thing you wanna do. I'm cringing inside with the idea of calling someone, yeah, yeah, I know, and it's hard, but I think in a last minute cancelation, it's what you should do totally. Have I done it? No, I text. Usually do as I say, not as I do. Yes, exactly. And here's the thing, like, You're right if it's last minute call, but if you want to avoid a call altogether. Take my advice, text them early in the day to verify plans, or take that as an opportunity to text them that you're canceling. You got to give that buffer. Yes, if it's two last minute, then yeah, you do have to make a phone call. Yeah. One time, we are having a brunch at Ashley's house, and. Melissa was on her way, like her car broke down or something, and it was like the fifth saying that had gone wrong that day, and this was several years ago, so the girls were younger, and I think I still have the recording on my phone. She left a voicemail of just like I really tried to make it, and I'm just not gonna get there. I'm like, Girl, the last straw. Say less. But she called Yeah, good for her, good for her. So yeah, there it is. That's how you cancel plans last minute and remain classy. There it is. Love it all right. Well, thank you everyone for joining us today, and for any new listeners out there, welcome, welcome. We're excited to have you, and we'll see you next week. Do you have anything else? Deborah, I don't
Deborah (55:53):
think I do, except to say that classy is a state of mind,
Robin (55:57):
so mind your classiness. Everybody. Goodbye, goodbye. You.
welcome to The Art of classiness podcast, a show where we redefine what it means to be a classy lady and sometimes it's messy. I'm Robin and I'm Deborah,
Deborah (00:19):
two friends turned classy ladies, we're here to discuss life's ups and downs, navigating the complexities of adulthood and how the gift of friendship is essential to belonging.
Robin (00:28):
This week, we are exploring the world of Reddit, bringing you some juicy Am I the asshole stories that explore the UPS downs and unexpected twists of friendship. So
Deborah (00:38):
follow along, give us your feedback, and don't forget to like and subscribe. What's up, classy ladies and gentlemen. Hello.
How are
you today?
Robin (00:48):
I am well. I started the day off right with the ketamine treatment. Okay, here
Deborah (00:54):
we go. Do you want to just give us a high level like overview? You don't have to dive deep into it, but how are you feeling now, after having done it,
Robin (01:05):
I always feel really good after like just calmer. It helps a lot with my anxiety. I've just begun a treatment plan. This was only my second session, but it's the kind of thing. As you stack on more sessions, you start to see more benefits. So I'm doing like, once a week now, and then eventually you do once a month. So it's supposed to be really great for depression, anxiety, PTSD, and that has been my experience so far.
Deborah (01:32):
So great. Thank you for sharing that as well. I think it's just really powerful for people to hear all the different ways that we can take care of ourselves, and I'm proud of you for taking care of you. Mental health is the most important thing. Mental health is health true? Well, great. You know, I need to get myself one of those sad lamps, the like seasonal affective disorder lamps, oh, that people in the Midwest use because we, like, haven't seen the sun. It has been so cold this week that my boys actually had school canceled for it being too cold to go to school. That is bizarre. The wind chill, or the real feel was negative 10 at one point just blistering. So I am ready. And honestly, it's wild, because today is 28 degrees, and it feels so much warmer, like I actually unzipped my jacket on the walk that I just went on, because I was like, Oh, it's getting kind of warm, like it's crazy, how quickly you acclimate to it. So I am ready for some sun back in my life, and really to just dive into this episode today, because I gotta tell you, I am not a huge Reddit person me either, but one video on social media that I will never skip is, am I the asshole readings and so, you know, Robin and I obviously talk a lot about friendship dynamics and social decorum. And so we thought, what better way to go about this episode than to talk about maybe the uglier side of friendship when it comes to asking yourself, am I the asshole,
Robin (03:12):
or is my friend an asshole and we shouldn't be friends? Yeah.
Deborah (03:16):
But what's funny is, you know, in our initial research to find great stories. Some of these people are asking, am I the asshole? But they're really asking, Is my friend the asshole? They just don't want to put it like that, right, but in their recounting of what happened, it feels a little heavy handed on one side or the other. So yeah, Robin and I each have two scenarios that we are going to share and discuss. Give our opinion. Give our opinion, and we would love to hear your opinion on whether or not these people are assholes or not the assholes. I also want to say if my mom has figured out how to download and listen to podcasts by now, I just want to apologize for saying the word asshole so many times. I grew up in a household that we did not swear. Even now as an adult, I have a hard time swearing in front of my parents. So Mom, I'm sorry, please forgive me. I'll wash my mouth out with soap later.
Robin (04:16):
My mom gave up on me a long time ago. She still makes comments now and again, but
Deborah (04:23):
yeah, we are actually adults now. It's true, we gotta make these decisions, but I will always feel 16 years old. Totally. Whenever I go home, I try to catch myself. It's hard. It is hard, it really is. So
Robin (04:37):
I was thinking we could just take turns. Do you want to go first? I
Deborah (04:43):
will go first. And this one is a doozy. We got a lot to unpack, so let's dive in. All right, am I the asshole for refusing to attend my best friend's wedding after she replaced me as maid of honor because I'm, quote, too fat. I. I'm pregnant and asking her to pay me back for everything, that's a lot. Okay, I 27 female, have been best friends with Claire. 28 female since high school, when she asked me to be her maid of honor, I was thrilled and went all out to make her wedding special. I paid for the bridal shower, bachelorette party, a weekend trip, decorations and other expenses, spending several $1,000 while it was a lot of money for my husband and me, I wanted to make her big day perfect, because she's like family to me. Two months ago, I shared that I'm four months pregnant. Claire congratulated me, but started acting distant afterward. She excluded me from conversations about the wedding and made passive comments about how hard it is to coordinate when people are, quote, distracted. I brushed it off, thinking it was wedding stress. A few days ago, she sat me down and told me she didn't want me in the wedding anymore. Her reason I'm, quote, getting too fat. She doesn't want me in the pictures. She said she has a specific vision for her wedding, and I no longer fit it. I was devastated. I asked if this was about my pregnancy, but she insisted it wasn't personal. Oh, it's not personal. It's just about the way you look and the way I want things to look like. What she said she was replacing me as maid of honor with another friend who fit her esthetic. I told her, if I wasn't in the wedding, I wouldn't be attending at all. I also handed her the receipts for everything I'd pay for and told her or her fiance, they needed to reimburse me, since I'd only spent the money as her maid of honor, Claire flipped out, calling me selfish and accusing me of trying to ruin her wedding. She said it was tacky to ask for the money back, and that expenses like
(06:57):
these were my responsibility as maid of honor. I reminded her, she removed me from that role so those expenses were no longer mine. Since then, Claire, her fiance and even her family, has beenspamming me with calls and texts. They accused me of being petty and overreacting because of pregnancy hormones. They're also saying I should have let it go and written off the money because weddings are stressful and Claire didn't mean to hurt me. My husband has been incredibly supportive and says I did the right thing. He's furious at how Claire treated me and agrees that I shouldn't be out 1000s of dollars for a wedding I'm not part of. I feel heartbroken and humiliated by someone I thought was my best friend. Still, the constant backlash has made me second guess myself. Am I the asshole for standing up for myself and asking for reimbursement? Should I have just quietly stepped aside? Hell no. Hmm, what are your thoughts, Robin,
Robin (07:55):
not the asshole? Your friend is a terrible bride, bride Zilla, when you spent 1000s of dollars as her maid of honor, and you're just asking for it back, because she basically fired you as her best friend.
Deborah (08:07):
Yeah, you got fired, and for the most petty reason imaginable. That's so petty, first of all, the complete lack of awareness that when you get pregnant, you gain weight. And sure, we would all love to have a cute little belly. The compliment I never received when I was pregnant was, oh, it looks like you just swallowed a basketball. I never got that one. Never got that one. So not everybody has this beautiful, perfect belly. A lot of times you gain it in parts of your body that you didn't even know could store that much fat. So you already are putting this person, what did she say? Her alias was? Oh, she doesn't. Oh, people call them op. Thank you, resident young person. Okay, so we already have to assume that the OP, or original poster for the lay folk that she is hypersensitive to how she's looking anyway. So for the bride to say it's because you're getting too fat when there is no solution for her to lose weight before this wedding, right? The solution is to have the baby and then who knows what the postpartum bounce back journey is going to look for clearly, it's not something she can do. It's an immovable conflict, but the source of it being that she's too fat to me, it's like, I don't even know why you would engage with this friend any further for that reason alone, well, and
Robin (09:35):
maybe she won't like, dude, honestly, I feel like stuff like this is more common now because of social media. Yes, like this girl is thinking about how everything's going to look online. She's not thinking about the experience anymore.
Deborah (09:55):
100% the fact that she keeps citing the esthetic as being. Being part of it is completely giving. I want to make the most beautiful Instagram reel ever. But what's so sad is to focus on all these completely superficial things, like you want to look like your entire wedding party is like a bunch of supermodels, because then you're associated with being this beautiful person. And we haven't even acknowledged the fact that it could be that Claire is jealous of the fact that op would be getting a lot of attention on the wedding day as a pregnant maid of honor, right? I wonder if she's worried about competing. I wouldn't
Robin (10:40):
have even thought about that. All we can do is take what we have at face value. This is the information we have. Like, her friend has a problem with her gaining weight. Like, shouldn't you just be glad that your pregnant friend is even coming to the wedding
Deborah (10:55):
100% I mean, we hear stories all the time, and sometimes, like, if it requires traveling too close to when you're due? Yeah, you might have to be like, Hey, I'm gonna have to opt out, because it's not my doctor is not advising me to travel or do this or do that, or I'm just gonna be, you know, kind of a downer that day, because I'm not gonna be able to drink. I'm gonna be tired. My feet are gonna be swollen. So she's lucky that that the original poster is even wanting to continue to be a part of this wedding. But I will say, while I don't think this person is the asshole for not wanting to attend the wedding anymore, I don't agree with asking for a reimbursement for all of these things I get that I do think, while she is not the asshole, I do think it's a little tacky, and now I don't agree with Claire or her family going after her like that just feels excessive and unnecessary when obviously the original poster is probably embarrassed as it is, right, like I would already be embarrassed that you have been kicked out of the wedding party, so it just feels like an unnecessary cruelty for everybody to be piling on. So I'm going to rule in favor of not the asshole, but wipe your hands clean. You don't need the money. It sucks that you invested emotionally and financially and someone you thought was the best friend and they betrayed you, but sometimes you just got to cut ties and walk away
Robin (12:27):
totally. And that is the classy thing to do. Yes, it is the classy thing to do. But there is a part of me that's like, Claire's being such an awful friend, I can see the desire to be just as awful back. I could see it like, OP is incredibly hurt, and when people are hurt, they sometimes make decisions that maybe aren't the best, right? Yeah, like, I'm for her asking for her money back, because the reason why Claire unbrides meded her is because she's too fat, so ridiculous. That's so shallow. It's so shallow, and that's why I'm kind of okay with her asking for her money back. Yeah, this friendships over, give me my money like I'm not even okay with you enjoying all the things that I like. It's so hurtful what she said, Yeah, I don't know how you go back
Deborah (13:22):
from that. It is definitely a proportionate response, I will say that. But on the other hand, think about all the money OP is saving by not being in this person's life anymore, right? Because maybe she hadn't even gotten to the point where she bought the wedding gift. So you're cutting that expense when you physically go to a wedding, you have to pay for hair, you have to pay for makeup, you have to get the accessories. You're going to tip the bartender, or, you know, maybe in this case, she wouldn't be because she's hopefully not drinking. But you know, you pay for the Uber like, you end up paying more the day of the wedding. And then if she's going to be in this person's life, that's baby showers. You don't have to worry about housewarming presents. So I think she's probably gonna walk out in the green and not have to worry about what she's already spent so far.
Robin (14:09):
Fair,
Deborah (14:10):
but yeah, not the asshole. Not the asshole. Okay, this top comment, not the asshole. Glad your husband has your back. Both of you can enjoy some quiet time instead of Claire's esthetic. You shouldn't be out 1000s of dollars, but you are now out one friend. Unfortunately, she's picked photos of her friendship. I see no problem asking for reimbursement for the money you spent in the role you got fired from. If need be file in small claims court and be petty and do it before the wedding to recoup your money. Pregnancy hormones have nothing to do with this. Of course, you're overreacting because they want you to believe it really isn't a big deal, and you should let it go. Translation, they don't have the funds to repay you. If Claire didn't mean to hurt you, she wouldn't have done. What she did and she would apologize profusely. Neither of those happen, because she's not really a friend. ETA. First of all, what does eta mean?
Robin (15:10):
Everyone that's asking, oh, I just guessed that probably
Deborah (15:14):
is okay, since folks are wondering if this can even be taken to small claims court, anybody can sue in small claims court for just about anything. Op may not get her money back, but she sure would be a pain in the ass for the bride, petty queen, right here. Yes.
Robin (15:34):
Isn't that the whole Judge Judy thing? It's small claims court, right? Yes, 100% Yeah. I love that trash. I declare no assholes detected. Declared her name's Claire. Oh,
Deborah (15:49):
that's right, that's right. Love it. Okay. Do you want to read one of yours? Yeah, all right,
Robin (15:55):
am I the asshole for staying in a hotel while my friend was trapped overnight inside the airport. Hmm, my best friend and I, 20 female, recently went on a trip to the UK. I actually have a UK passport, since my dad is British, but my friend had to get a UK visa. We were supposed to take two flights, one that would arrive in France, and a connecting flight that would fly to the UK. However, the second flight ended up being canceled. The next available flight wasn't until 2pm the next day, so we would have to wait around 17 hours. The passengers were allowed to stay in nearby hotels for free. However, this didn't apply to people like my friend, who wasn't legally allowed to leave the airport because she didn't have a visa for Europe. Instead, she had to stay within a specific area of the airport that had these bright ceiling lights that would stay on. 24/7 there was construction nearby, so there was this extremely loud drilling noise. Every so often, all the available seats were taken by other passengers, so my friend had to sleep on the floor. Plus, earlier that day, water got spilled on our phone chargers, and her phone was only 40% I had the option to stay with her, but I chose to go to the hotel instead. She was furious with me, accusing me of being a fake friend. She told me she was scared of being alone in a creepy, unknown place, and wanted me there to comfort her, and I assured her that I'll be back by the morning. She said I was acting selfish for not even spending one night with her, but I hadn't gotten any sleep in over 24 hours, and I didn't see why both of us had to suffer. Am I the asshole? Ooh.
Deborah (17:41):
Ooh, you know, I can see both sides, sure. So in defense of each of them, here are my thoughts. On one hand, you don't leave your friend at an airport in another country, okay, so this is sometimes where traveling with friends can really reveal a lot about how you get along, like traveling, taking down Christmas lights, some of these stress building activities can really show you a lot about conflict management, if you will. So in some ways, this feels like maybe a good thing for them to experience. I still think it is unsafe to leave a friend in a foreign country in an airport. Like, hello, France is literally the location of the first taken movie. Okay? Like, who even knows? Now, mind you, it would probably be hard to smuggle somebody out of the airport. Or maybe it's really easy. We have no idea. So leaving her friend high and dry is not only mean, but she would have had to make this hotel reservation, like on the spot in the airport. You know, it's not like, oh, I had this reservation. I was counting on you to be able to go. I didn't realize you didn't have a passport in this country. I'm going to lose the money. I don't know what to do if you and I were in that situation, and you had a hotel, I would not want to hold you back from going there. But if I watched you make that reservation while I knew I couldn't go. Yeah, I would be pissed. I would definitely be pissed. What do you think? Absolutely
Robin (19:21):
like, yes, it sucks. It's a shitty situation, but that's what makes friendship stronger, baby like, you turn that into a slumber party. You make it a story to tell your friends later. You know, yeah, it sucks. Probably not going to get the best sleep, but you're there for your friend, you're in it together. Yeah, I don't know. I wouldn't have it in me to leave anybody unless you like, slapped me across the face and pushed me and said, bitch, if you don't leave right now, maybe I would go or maybe I would return with a cookie for you.
Deborah (19:55):
Now, here's the other thing, where I feel like maybe the friend is little bit of playing the Vic. Them that line where she's, like, all of the seats were taken. I'm like, you can go to other gates in it. You know what I mean? Well, it says that she had to stay in a specific area. And every single, I don't know, maybe I'm just, but I've never flown into what I'm assuming is the Paris airport.
Robin (20:17):
Well, it's the international side, probably, yeah, so it's, I don't know.
Deborah (20:23):
I'm just wondering, like, in times where I've had really long layovers, I walk around, I explore, and maybe the international part is very small, although I kind of doubt that, because that feels like a huge international hub to fly in and out of. But now we're getting to the point where it's like, now we're just, like, complaining about, like, literally every single thing.
Robin (20:45):
It seems like maybe She's exaggerating. Yes, 100%
Deborah (20:50):
like every single seat was taken. I couldn't even lay down. It's like, you're telling me that with the way that the Labor Party moves in Paris and France, that there's going to be construction happening at night. I don't think so, honey. Okay, those people are clocking out at five o'clock, whatever their equivalent of a union is, yeah, they're not going to be working nights over there. I'm going to tell you that much right now. So it does feel like the friend is piling on to make the OP feel worse, yeah, but I still think that she should not have left her Yeah, in the airport. Like, you're totally right. That could have been another just adventure to the story. You know what I mean? Like, yeah, we're gonna buckle down, we're gonna build a fork, we're gonna buy some blankets at the whatever. It's called, duty free, yeah?
Robin (21:38):
Like, hey, I can leave this area. I'm gonna go to duty free, yes, yeah, cannabis, some booze,
Deborah (21:44):
and we're gonna party. That's a very good point. Her friend could leave the airport and come back. I'm gonna leave, find us some food. I'm gonna bring it in, or I'm gonna, you know what I mean, like something where you can be the hero. Be the hero. Instead, she was the zero. Ooh,
Robin (22:00):
that's good, yeah, that is good. Yeah. It doesn't matter how you try to paint this picture. You're the asshole. In fact, you made yourself seem more like an asshole by making the situation seem worse. Like, yeah, if it was a better situation, it might be easier to leave your friend. Mm, hmm,
Deborah (22:17):
I don't know. No, I totally agree exactly. It's that. It's one thing. If she had been, like, she had access to the Delta lounge, and she was gonna have plenty from there, if anything else, like, maybe you could have gotten her into one of those, like, nicer lounges, or could have loaned her some money to do that. I've
Robin (22:34):
brought friends food from the lounge. Like, yeah, I'm that person. What do you need me to steal
Deborah (22:40):
that's so nuts. I'll smuggle it out 100% I'll smuggle it out.
Robin (22:45):
I just, I don't know, because I've never flown through it. I just find it hard to believe that if you are connecting through Paris, that you're stuck in a little box and that you have no access to like food or other gates that are not occupied. It's a little strange. Yeah, so I'm leaning towards the OP being the asshole on this one. Totally agreed. There we go. Assholes declared top comment, yeah, you're the asshole. That was a really shitty thing to do on a smaller scale, it reminds me of a friend who told me she wanted to go to a certain touring Broadway show with her and how excited she was to see it with me. I couldn't afford the $300 seat she wanted to buy, and told her, but said that I could afford the $100 seats about 15 rows back. She just brushed me off and said, Well, this is where I'm sitting. She was very surprised, Pikachu, when I told her she would have to enjoy the show alone. Then we are not friends anymore. That was 20 years ago. I still keep in touch with her sister, and from what I understand, my ex friend only has one friend whom she sees maybe once a year, and her sister's word she's lucky. Their friend lives far away and only spends seven days with her a year, where she wouldn't even have that friend and has never been able to keep a romantic relationship for more than a few months, and it's all due to that type of selfishness. Consider the fact that what you did was even worse. It wasn't just wanting to sit away from her in a better seat. It was abandoning her in a foreign country where she was scared. Major asshole thing to do. I know you're only 20, so I'm willing to give you a tiny bit of leeway due to that, but please learn now that your whole Why should both of us suffer? Attitude will not serve you well in life. You'll lose many more friends than you make. You'll be alienated at work, and you'll find yourself alone more often than not, selfishness like yours isn't attractive, not even to other selfish people.
Deborah (24:42):
I mean, talk about the ghost of asshole future right there coming in to scare you late night. You're gonna end up alone and you're not gonna have any friends if you keep it up. That's pretty much what that comment said. Okay,
Robin (24:58):
that's so good. You. Okay, am
Deborah (25:01):
I the asshole for telling my friend not to come if she's bringing her kid? Spicy topic, right off the gate. Mm, hmm. One of my nearly 30 friends threw a get together at a restaurant for my birthday. The place has a bar where we're going to be hanging out. The plan was to get a bit tipsy and order appetizers. My husband and I have a three year old, but we're hiring a babysitter for the night. We rented out a private room with a bar. My other friend, missy, has a five year old daughter. She mentioned she was going to bring her. I offered to pay my babysitter extra to watch her daughter. Macy said no, because her daughter is in daycare all day and doesn't want to have to then be with a sitter, I said, I understand, but I don't think it's appropriate for her to come one, I know our group, we're going to get rowdy, and I don't want to censor myself. Two, missy's daughter is like a lot of five year olds. She doesn't sit still, wants to run over the place. Missy admits she doesn't bring her to restaurants much because she doesn't know how to act. But I also know that Missy will just sort of let her as she's very permissive. I spoke to my friend who put it together and said, I don't want any kids there. There's a reason I got a sitter for my own kid, that friend agreed and told Missy not to bring her daughter. Missy has now thrown a fit and said she's not coming. I said I completely understand there are events I have missed because I don't want to leave my daughter, and the group understands, as we all have kids, I told Missy, I'd be glad to have a play date another time with our kids so we can still hang out. I told Missy, I can't stop her from coming to the restaurant, but we absolutely will not allow her to come into the private room. She's very hurt that we are excluding her. Am I the asshole for not wanting a kid at my party and telling my friend she can't come if she brings her? Also, if it's relevant, Missy didn't pay for the rented room. Two
(27:04):
of my other friends did as a gift for me. So it's not as if I'm telling her she can't come to something she's paid for. What do we think? Not
Robin (27:12):
the asshole? Your friend is an asshole. What? She's not being excluded. She's excluding herself. Op gave her so many opportunities to figure something out, even offered to pay for a babysitter. Are you kidding me? Get out of here, missy, yeah.
Deborah (27:27):
And I completely understand this dynamic, because even though, when all of your friends have kids, not everybody parents the same way, it's true that can have, like a little bit of friction when one person is totally fine with leaving their kid with a babysitter and someone else is like, No, I've not seen my daughter all day. I need to be with her, which, as a parent, I completely understand. Like, it's really hard when you're trying to balance being a working mom. Have you already feel bad that your kid is in daycare? You just want to spend that extra time, but this is not like a last minute thing to plan a party where you rent a private room. Feels like you have plenty of time to figure out another solution, or at least come to terms with the fact that this is going to be one day where I don't interact with my child much, yeah, so I'm going to set additional time aside to have, like, a play date with just my kid. Second the kid is going to have a terrible time at this party. Kids don't want to
Robin (28:27):
be there. You're not getting quality time with your kid when you're at a restaurant on a bunch of adults, 100% the
Deborah (28:33):
kid's not going to want to be there. Let's face it, they probably are either going to be running around, which means, as a parent, you're not enjoying that time. Or two, they're going to be on their iPad or screens or calling or doing something to keep them distracted, so it's not quality time with them. And a five year old, if you're going to be at daycare all day and then do something extra stimulating at night, you are going to have a meltdown. Absolutely. Kids need that downtime. Kids need routine. They need to unwind. And the closest thing to a routine in this situation is going to a babysitter that's going to mimic the same routine. Okay, now we're going to play. Now it's time to eat. Now it's bedtime, like that's going to keep things to a similar schedule, then disrupting them by going to a bar, if you are doing a dinner bar combination, my guess is that this party is probably starting after seven. Otherwise they probably would have said happy hour. It's almost bedtime. That's almost bedtime for a kid. That's way too late to bring them to a bar. You know? Yeah,
Robin (29:38):
yeah. I completely agree. Well, and op even offered to make separate plans with her. Hey, I get it. Yeah, no problem. And then Missy still chooses to play the victim. Yeah,
Deborah (29:49):
it's a victim card, for sure. I would guess that maybe there's something more going on under the surface. You know, it sounds like maybe Missy is stressed about a. Lot of things, and this is maybe an outlet for whatever frustration is happening, or maybe Missy has been put in this position a lot and feels like they're not being considerate of her. Being a working mom, we don't know. It's usually never just about the thing that you throw a fit about sure if you're going to get to a point where you throw a fit, that means you've had some hot water boiling for me. Yeah,
Robin (30:23):
you know, yeah. I wonder if she's a single mom. Does it say? It doesn't,
Deborah (30:30):
it doesn't say, so maybe Missy is a single mom, and that's just like an extra stress. I
Robin (30:35):
wonder if she's a single mom and like, yeah, like, if I can't pick up my kid, then no one does kind of thing,
Deborah (30:41):
right? Which I totally get, I totally understand. But sorry, missy,
Robin (30:47):
it's still not your friend's fault for wanting to celebrate their birthday the way that they want to celebrate it. It's their birthday. It's
Deborah (30:53):
their birthday. It's not just like a random night out, it's a birthday. Yeah,
Robin (30:58):
that's the one day a year. You do get to be selfish. This is what I want to do. Whoever wants to join me come Yeah, no kids, I
Deborah (31:07):
will say I was kind of preparing myself for the OP to be the asshole, just from the first sentence where she said one of my nearly 30 friends, it's like, okay, we get it. You're popular. Nearly 30 friends. Come on, that's a lot of people. Like, is this a wedding? I couldn't get 30 people to do anything for me, let alone coordinate a birthday party. That's insane. So good for her. I bet she is in her 20s. Now that I say that, I'm realizing I thought she was there in her 30s, just because it said 30, yeah, but yeah, maybe they're in their 20s, and that's why I used to have so many friends. Anyway, not the asshole, not the asshole. This top comment, Robin mirrors something that you said you offered a reasonable solution and she refused. When a person chooses a lifestyle, they have to deal with whatever comes with it, but they aren't entitled to special treatment, especially when people of similar lifestyle have adapted. We've all had to miss out on something for one reason or another. Plenty of parents have had to make this choice before. She's not letting herself be an independent adult outside of parenthood, and this could have been a great evening for her to blow off some steam and come back more parenty than ever. I have a couple of friends who regret not taking up babysitting offers earlier in their parenting journeys to allow themselves to be grounded. It's a shame, really. I really agree with that sentiment. Yeah.
Robin (32:34):
Well, put it. Rounded off. Everything we're saying very well. Rounded off perfectly. Okay, my turn. Let's hear it. Am I the asshole for snapping at my friend who keeps ditching me because I now have a child? Okay? Just over two years ago, I female 29 unexpectedly got pregnant and now have a beautiful 18 month old daughter, Ciara. Over that time, my friend's circle got considerably smaller, but my best friend remained Mia, female, 31 Mia doesn't have kids, nor wants kids, but she's been brilliant with Sierra. I'm a stay at home mom, and obviously don't have as much time to hang out as I did previously. Mia and I live in the same street. We're in Manchester, England, and it's walking distance between our houses. I've told Mia numerous times that she can just pop in whenever she wants to. She works from home, but she rarely does. She did at the beginning, but it's been happening less and less. Instead, she keeps suggesting we go out for coffee or pizza or even a drink, but I don't have the time, and always just tell her to come over and we'll have coffee at my place. She asked if I wanted to go out with her and her other friends for a drink last weekend. I said no, but she's welcome to come over and we'll have a few drinks at mine. She says she already had plans, and it felt weird to drink when she knows there's a child around. Honestly, I felt neglected. I feel like she put me on a back burner and doesn't want to be friends anymore. I'm always available, but she rarely comes over, and I don't think that's fair. Today, I saw her photos from Saturday night out, and I was fuming. She ditched me just so she could go and drink like she's 20 again. I feel rejected and horrible. I thought we were best friends, but she clearly doesn't value me when she won't even have a few drinks with me at my house, when she finished work, she called and asked if I fancied going for coffee, but I asked her to come over again. She said yes, but before she disconnected, I heard her
(34:38):
mumble like always. This really annoyed me. When she came over, I decided to be open about everything, and while not my proudest or most mature moment, I shouted at her that she's an awful friend,that she barely comes over, and if she doesn't want to spend time with me, to just say it and stop playing around. She said she's always been accommodating, but it's. In two years, and she doesn't want to spend time with me when there's always a kid, especially now when she has to watch her language. Mia likes to swear. I said that she knew I had a child and responsibilities, and she said that Tom, my partner could take care of CR once in a while so I could have a time off. This felt really intrusive, and I told her to mind her own business and not meddle ill in my marriage. I was really angry with her and kicked her out. She called me a selfish asshole on her way out. Normally, I would expect her to call by now with apologies, but she hasn't done so, and I'm starting to wonder, was I the asshole, or was she perhaps I was too harsh and should have been more careful with discussing it. Am I the asshole? Yeah,
Deborah (35:43):
I would chase that feeling absolutely. Chase that feeling you're almost there. You've almost got it.
Robin (35:53):
It sounds like your friend has made multiple attempts to spend time with you, but you only want to do it on your terms,
Deborah (36:02):
1,000% I mean, no, it is not the same to be at a pub when you are they're still in their 20s, right? I think you said she was 2831
Robin (36:12):
and 29 the mom is 29 okay? I
Deborah (36:15):
mean, 30s are the new 20s. Anyway, you're still in that young fun era. Okay, going to someone's house who has a baby is not the same as being in a bar, catching up like you lose that like, you know, excitement, that exhilaration of being out on the town. And while it's nice that she did that and was accommodating for it seems like a good period of time, 18 months. I mean, come on, lady, leave the baby at home every once in a while, like, I also don't like that. She's being judgmental, saying that, Oh, you drank like you were in your 20s. She basically is still in her 20s.
Robin (36:51):
So yeah, and sounds like she's single. She doesn't have kids. She do whatever she wants. Yeah, jealous much?
Deborah (37:01):
What's crazy to me is she thought her friend would apologize. Meanwhile, she is the one who picked the fight. She is the one that was like, I decided to let her have it. Well, then why?
Robin (37:14):
She's the one that feels slighted, right? She feels
Deborah (37:18):
slighted, but she's wrong. Unfortunately, she's wrong. Her feelings might be valid. Of being slighted. What she's really mad at is that she doesn't have that life anymore. You know, she's mad that she can't just go to a bar and be reckless. There are too many responsibilities now. Even if she did have the night off, she probably couldn't let herself be emotionally free of the tethers of motherhood, because when you go out and you have a young child, always in the back of your head, you're like, this kid's gonna be up at six in the morning. I'm gonna have to wake up so early, like she may still be breastfeeding too. So it's like, I get that she is jealous that she cannot do what her friend is doing, but her anger seems completely misdirected, and especially if she does have a partner, I don't think it's meddling for her friend to say, Why can't he just watch the baby? Like that's a very valid requests. And to me, hints at maybe the fact that, like, maybe her partner doesn't do that very often, and that could be a sore subject,
Robin (38:29):
you know, yeah, like, mind your own business. Like she just made a suggestion. Like, when you have your kid around, your friend does not have your full attention ever, uh, no, and that's what she's wanting. She wants to spend some genuine time together. And you can't do that when there's a kid around. No, you absolutely can. She's happy to come over and hang out, but she doesn't want to do that every time you guys get together. And I wouldn't either,
Deborah (38:56):
yeah, to me, it feels like almost a superiority complex of like, well, I have the house. Why don't you come here? Oh, I am more established. Why don't you come to me? You know
Robin (39:07):
which? Listen, we do do that here in Austin with our pal, Melissa. But she also, she has an awesome house. They always make really delicious food. They have a pool. Like, they're ready to host, yeah, they're not just like, come over while we take care of kids. They're like, come over because leaving is hard, but we'll still have fun. Yeah, come over and have fun. I don't see that here. No, it's like, come and sit in my sad house with unfolded laundry.
Deborah (39:35):
Yeah, no, and you're totally right about the fact that, like, you just never have someone's full attention if there's a kid around, sometimes it's hard to even have phone conversations when your friend has a small child. You know, when they're really young and helpless and you're like, what's that, sweetheart? No, we can't go to the park right now. No, I said we'll talk later. Okay, mommy's on the phone. I'm sorry. What were you saying? No, sweetheart, put that down. Sweetheart. Sweetheart is you're just like, Oh my God, just call me back when the kid is asleep. Like, so
Robin (40:07):
accurate.
Deborah (40:10):
It is so hard and like I, quite frankly, I did not do well in early childhood. I am so grateful that my boys are older now, eight and 10, and every day I say, this is the absolute youngest I ever want to have kids. Every day I say that because I would never you couldn't drag me back to that time period because I did not handle it well. So that's when I realized, like, oh, I don't like stimulation. Oh, this noise is driving me into an asylum, so it's hard enough to even just be yourself in early childhood parenting. So I'm sorry, but this this friend needs to really do some self evaluation. Needs to let go of the life she does not have anymore and start allowing herself to go out and have fun every once in a while, you know, yeah,
Robin (41:07):
allow yourself to get dolled up, enjoy time with friends like rediscover yourself. So many moms lose who they are when they have a baby, and maybe that's something that this OP is struggling with as well.
Deborah (41:22):
Yeah, and I think most importantly, this friendship can be saved, though, if she does apologize, yeah, she's gotta own up. She's gotta own up to what she did. And another thing she said that I relate to and makes me sad for her, is she said, since she had the kid, her circle has gotten really small, so don't push away the people who showed up for you during that time when you had a disruptive thing happen. An unplanned pregnancy is, like, very disruptive, you know, yeah, especially if you're in your late 20s, even that's like, that can be hard. So don't push away the people that have been there for you. The best friends are elastic. They can stretch out far and then come back. I love that. So hopefully this is an elastic friend. Do
Robin (42:08):
you like that? I do. I'm a little rubber band friend. Rubber Band friend.
Deborah (42:13):
You know, you push each other, they come back. Hopefully that would be the case for these two, yeah,
Robin (42:17):
hopefully they work it out. There's no update. So, asshole, in this scenario, yes, you are the asshole. Top comment, you're the asshole. She didn't ditch you. She asked you to go out with her friends as she'd made plans. She's not drinking like she's 20. She's drinking like someone who doesn't have a child. PS, she's right. Your partner can look after your daughter once in a while and should do to try and bond with her, I would say I have to agree. Yeah, sounds like we have good opinions. Yeah, I think we're right on track. Okay, that was fun. So good. We're thinking about making this a recurring segment, like once a month. So if you enjoyed this episode, we'd love to get some feedback. Let us know if this is something you want to keep hearing,
Deborah (43:08):
yeah, or even, like, if there's a totally different subreddit that we should fall down. I know this is a pretty popular one. I want to know, like the dark corners of Reddit. So let us know. Not too dark, though.
Robin (43:22):
Okay, Deborah, so what is the classiest thing you saw this week? So
Deborah (43:27):
as I mentioned earlier, it is like bitter cold outside, super cold. Most of the schools were closed in our area, and I was just getting ready to make dinner. It was about six o'clock at night, and the whole house goes dark, and we had not just a power outage, but like a huge area of Columbus, had lost power.
Robin (43:54):
Oh my gosh,
Deborah (43:56):
which is not ideal when it is already cold and just the way that my house is laid out, I have a great room, which just means it's, like, never really warm in the winter. So already I was just like, Oh my gosh. Like, it's gonna be freezing in here. I don't have any firewood. And I was like, oh, I'll just run to the store and get firewood. But my garage door was shut so I couldn't leave my house. And thankfully, right at that time, you know, the neighborhood group, group chat fires up, and everyone's like, did you guys this power too? We were chit chatting, and one of my neighbors had just ordered pizza because her son was having his birthday party that night. We were actually all supposed to go to top golf, but Top Golf closed early because obviously it's so cold. And she said, you know, we have pizza and cupcakes here. Everybody's welcome to come over if you want. We've got a fire going, and it's actually still pretty warm in here. So I took her up on that offer. Brought the. Boys over there. That's how we ate dinner that night. Otherwise we would have had to eat like, cold ground turkey that I had made for a casserole like that was like what our options were going to have to be. I talk a lot about how my social circle has gotten smaller over the years, so it felt really good to not feel alone during that moment. Oh, yeah, and to know that I lived in a neighborhood where we're gonna have each other's backs when it comes to that kind of stuff, you know, like, I'll bring the flashlights. And even, you know, my boys were getting kind of antsy, the power wasn't supposed to come back on until like, nine. And my son was like, I kind of want to go home. And I'm like, we're just gonna go home to like, a dark and even colder house because I don't have firewood. And she said, You know, I have one of those four hour logs. Like, why don't I give you one? Oh my gosh. And at first, I was like, Oh, what if you need it? She's like, No, I just put one on. Like,
(45:55):
we'll be good, and we'll have the power back on soon. And I thought, you have to start saying, yes, when people offer you help. So I said, You know what? I will take that log. And got home, and Irealized I actually had a few logs myself, like not any that would have sustained like a fire. But came home, the boys got all the blankets, they brought games up that we were gonna play with, some candles lit, and then, like, 10 minutes later, the power came back on. And the boys were so disappointed. They were like, What? No, we just click. And I'm like, No, this is great news. It's like 55 degrees in this house. You
Robin (46:31):
could still play the games. We could turn the lights off, but we have the heat on. Yeah, we have
Deborah (46:37):
the heat on. So yes. In conclusion, classy moment, classy community to be living in, and I'm just grateful to know that I live so close to people who are going to be there when you need them.
Robin (46:49):
That's so nice. What a friendly neighbor. Yes, definitely I'm gonna jump on that neighbor train. Actually, my classiest thing last week, I told you about my best friend that lives in the neighborhood, and her husband. I had my first ketamine treatment, and you're not supposed to eat at least four hours beforehand, which means that I didn't even have breakfast, and my appointment was like 1245 or something. So by the time I got out of that session, I was ravenous, and Seth and I opened our phones to texts from them inviting us over for chili. Perfect. Hey, we made some chili. Do you want some? Like, literally, we're on our way. I was so hungry and we didn't have any food at home. I didn't know what we were gonna do, I guess maybe go somewhere, but our classy neighbors offered us a warm bowl of chili, and it was delicious, and then they gave us more to take home. The
Deborah (47:51):
best, the best, the best. Oh, that's great. Pay it forward. No. Open your heart, open your kitchen, open your living room, let people in. You know? Yeah,
Robin (48:04):
I love that. Are you ready for the classy scenario this week? I am. Let's hear it. Is it classy canceling plans last minute? Let me give you the scenario. You're feeling tired and overwhelmed on the day of a planned outing with a friend. Is it classy to cancel at the last minute, or should you go through with it to honor your commitment?
Deborah (48:27):
Poof. I mean, I this has happened to me a million times, so I have mixed feelings. I have mixed feelings too, because I will say sometimes you shouldn't make a decision in the moment, because everybody obviously comes home from work and is tired and can be run down, but sometimes you have to get out of your environment to rejuvenate, right, and
Robin (48:56):
to realize How much you needed. Yes, sat stimulation 100%
Deborah (49:02):
now, other times, though, you should have just stayed home totally right? Sometimes you have nothing left to give. And I have definitely been in this scenario a lot, because as I've gotten older, I've just become more introverted, and me too, if the plan is something that is over stimulating or like, I just am already kind of foreseeing a lot of issues with it's so easy to take the least resistance route and be like, You know what PJs TV that sounds like what I need. But at the same time, I look back at some of those moments in Austin where I was like, No, I just want to stay in and I would just, I would love to have more memories with your friends. You know, the classy thing to do, in my opinion, is to be very honest with where you are at. That mentally, let your friend know where you are and what you can give so sometimes it is, hey, I'm on my way. If I seem off, I'm just really depleted. I've had a long, busy week. I want to see you, though, so I'm going to show up, but I don't want you to read into my mood, because I'm just really kind of in a bad place right now. Yeah, or say, Hey, I'm gonna go. I'm not sure how long I can last being out tonight, but I would love to see you and catch up quickly. And honestly, that might give your friend the opportunity to let you take the out right, like, Robin, if you and I were gonna hang out and you're like, I had ketamine treatment today, and I'm really feeling emotionally exhausted. I want to see you, though I'm only going to come for like a half hour, if that's okay. The first thing I would say is, take care of yourself, Robin, if you feel like you need to stay home, I totally understand, right? Or maybe the friend can help pull you out of that place like I'm so glad you're coming. I would love for you to stay longer, but I understand if you're gonna leave, maybe once you're here, you will start to feel better. So I think honesty is the best policy. Just be transparent about what you can give and then
(51:21):
maybe it's a decision you can make together instead of feeling like you are the one just canceling plans.
Robin (51:27):
Yeah, and that's the biggest thing here is, why are you canceling? Especially if it's last minute canceling, that's where you really better have a good reason, because that means your friend took a shower, put on makeup, they're ready to go. If you cancel last minute, just because you all of a sudden, decided you don't want to or you found something better to do. No, that's not classy, not classy. But if you started your day and you're just realizing all I want to do is get home and be with my dog. You tell your friend that. And I've gotten to the point in my adulthood where I'll follow up with friends the day of, just to make sure they still want to meet up, I give them an out, yeah, every time. Hey, are we still good for tonight? Oh, I actually I forgot. Blah, blah. Okay, cool. No problem. It's music to my ears,
Deborah (52:25):
you know? Yeah, sometimes you're kind of hoping that the friend cancels plan, so you might be doing the friend a favor as well. Yeah,
Robin (52:32):
it's a win, win. Just don't make me get all dressed up and stuff, right? First, right? That's when I'd be kind of frustrated, like, because I very rarely wear makeup. But sometimes when I'm meeting friends out for like, dinner or something like, I'll try, I'll try harder. Yeah, I've had someone cancel on me after I put on makeup, that's when I got mad. Yeah,
Deborah (52:52):
for sure, and that's valid, because then you're like, Well, what am I gonna do with this pretty face now? Yeah, just leave it inside. I don't think so no one on the TV can see me. Yeah, come on. I get that. Well, yeah, I think that's the classy thing to do. Be honest. Just be honest. Be
Robin (53:09):
honest. That's how you maintain healthy relationships with friends. Yes, you don't maintain healthy relationships by lying or making up stories like sometimes it feels easier because you don't want to hurt the other person's feelings, but if you just think a little bit harder, like, there's a way where you can cancel plans without hurting the other person's feelings, you just just rephrase your sentence, like, use chat. GPT, yeah, yes. Say hey, like, I feel really bad, and add something on about making plans in the future, like, I don't know, yeah, I don't have the best prompt right now, but it has helped me curate really good responses to people in the past. It's game changer.
Deborah (53:55):
Yeah, and I'll make one final note that is sort of a bold thing to say in today's day and age, don't text them that you're canceling plans if it's gonna be last minute. I think a phone call is better even though you don't wanna do it. It sounds like the last
Robin (54:12):
thing you wanna do. I'm cringing inside with the idea of calling someone, yeah, yeah, I know, and it's hard, but I think in a last minute cancelation, it's what you should do totally. Have I done it? No, I text. Usually do as I say, not as I do. Yes, exactly. And here's the thing, like, You're right if it's last minute call, but if you want to avoid a call altogether. Take my advice, text them early in the day to verify plans, or take that as an opportunity to text them that you're canceling. You got to give that buffer. Yes, if it's two last minute, then yeah, you do have to make a phone call. Yeah. One time, we are having a brunch at Ashley's house, and. Melissa was on her way, like her car broke down or something, and it was like the fifth saying that had gone wrong that day, and this was several years ago, so the girls were younger, and I think I still have the recording on my phone. She left a voicemail of just like I really tried to make it, and I'm just not gonna get there. I'm like, Girl, the last straw. Say less. But she called Yeah, good for her, good for her. So yeah, there it is. That's how you cancel plans last minute and remain classy. There it is. Love it all right. Well, thank you everyone for joining us today, and for any new listeners out there, welcome, welcome. We're excited to have you, and we'll see you next week. Do you have anything else? Deborah, I don't
Deborah (55:53):
think I do, except to say that classy is a state of mind,
Robin (55:57):
so mind your classiness. Everybody. Goodbye, goodbye. You.
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