April 6, 2025 • 62 mins
Carissa shares how her spark for life was reignited after meeting and working closely with powerhouse entrepreneur Jessie Lee Ward, who was navigating a Stage 4 colon cancer diagnosis. As Jessie’s personal assistant, Carissa found herself transformed—not just by the challenges they faced together, but by Jessie’s relentless spirit, drive, and vulnerability.
In this powerful episode, Carissa opens up about overcoming chronic depression and anxiety, the deep impact of friendship, and how loss became a catalyst for purpose. She reflects on the importance of emotional honesty with her daughter, rebuilding after separation, and the courage it takes to be authentic while starting a new chapter.
Carissa’s Socials
https://www.instagram.com/carissalovesu/
https://www.youtube.com/@carissalovesu
Jessie Lee’s
https://www.instagram.com/imbosslee/
https://www.youtube.com/@Imbosslee
https://www.tiktok.com/@imbosslee?lang=en
Mental Health/S.A Resources:
Suicide and Crisis Lifeline
988
SAMHSA’s National Helpline (mental health and/or substance use)
Beyond the Monsters Socials
https://www.instagram.com/beyondthemonsters/
https://linktr.ee/BeyondtheMonsters
*Disclaimer: The content shared on this podcast is for informational and entertainment purposes only. The discussions and experiences shared are based on our personal stories and opinions. This is not medical advice, and it should not be used as a substitute for professional medical guidance. Always consult with a qualified healthcare provider for any concerns or questions regarding your health.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Hi and welcome back to Beyond the Monsters.
Today I have Carissa with me and she's going to tell us her story of, you know, single momsuffered with anxiety, depression, OCD, you know, many different mental health components
that many of us can relate to.
(00:21):
And, you know, luckily for her, someone amazing came in her life and
She's going to tell that changed everything for her.
So she's going to tell us a story about what she struggled with, who came into her lifeand how it's changed everything for her.
So Carissa, welcome to Beyond the Monsters.
We're out.
(00:48):
you
Thank you so much for having me.
I'm honored to be here.
Yes, so you just go ahead and however you're comfortable, know with you know Give us alittle bit of your story and you know how it led to where you are today
(01:08):
Yeah, well, I'll start where I think is the easiest, you jumping point.
And it's how I met this person.
So I was the personal assistant to a multimillionaire entrepreneur, multiple businessowner and network marketer.
(01:29):
Her name is Jessie Lee Ward.
And really, the way that I met her,
had everything to do with me wanting to get out of my comfort zone.
I had been about two years into my separation.
I had a baby at 21, had a separation at 25, moved multiple states amidst having anxiety,depression, OCD.
(01:56):
mean, you can imagine the mental toll it would take on anybody.
So once I was 27, I started kind of just
getting my feet on the ground really after a separation for anybody.
It's a lot to go through.
And I had been working from home for three years and I just was like, my daughter's inkindergarten now.
(02:19):
I don't want to work from home anymore.
I want to get out into the world, get back out there.
So I had literally made the conscious decision that I wanted to change my path.
Went onto Facebook and found an ad.
really just a post looking for a personal assistant, highly active entrepreneur must be,you know, all the requirements.
(02:46):
And I just said, Hey, I think it would be perfect for this.
I've been an assistant for almost 10 years at that time, like, you know, six or seven,and, they interviewed me and it was like fate.
They, liked me and I liked her and I was going to start in the new year.
was right two weeks before Christmas or so.
Okay.
(03:07):
Put my two weeks in at my job that I had, my normal nine to five, and was like, Kim, startworking for this lady.
I don't know anything about her.
I've never heard of her before.
Okay.
And really just wanted a change of pace.
And man, she gave it to me.
I can imagine if you were sitting next to your assistant or maybe you have had people inyour team, you know, you really...
(03:34):
You really just kind of have to dive in and just get to know each other and like go, themore you know, as you go, like there's really not a pamphlet.
Here's all about me.
It's kind of just like, this is what we do and we're going for it.
Right.
So that is exactly what happened.
Um, and I started working with her January 2nd and, um, about two weeks into myemployment, she was diagnosed with stage four colon cancer at 34 years young.
(04:05):
she had just launched her.
Business coaching platform, which was doing amazing.
She'd already surpassed a million dollars in sales.
I mean, and she'd started it in November.
So if that tells you anything, just, yeah, she was just meant to do what she did and shejust, she did it.
(04:26):
Right.
So, you know, two weeks in her and I don't really know each other.
Um, I get the call because when she, um, went into.
This is, fast forwarding here, I'm sorry, but you know, we don't really know each other.
I'm looking for MRIs that will service her.
I'm looking for, you know, gastroenterologists, everybody you can think of that you'regonna need when you get this type of diagnosis.
(04:54):
So a couple of months passed by, she finally gets surgery.
And before she goes in, her PA, so I'm filling out hospital forms for her like I alwaysdo.
And I said, who do you want as your emergency contact?
And she goes, nothing's going to happen.
Just put you.
And I was like, all right, put myself down.
(05:16):
That was the end of that.
She had surgery about three days later.
She was let go to go home.
They called me because I was listed as her emergency contact.
And he told her doctor told me everything.
He said, you're the person she's got listed here.
And it's my duty to make sure that she understands the severity of her diagnosis.
(05:41):
And he said, unfortunately, when she left, I just didn't feel like she understood howserious this is.
And he let me know that she had until Christmas.
This is March, 2023.
And so I'm this 27 year old newbie assistant.
(06:02):
And this
a little bit about Jesse Lee is she just, if she decided something, it was.
And she was like, I'm beating stage four corn cancer.
I'm beating it right now.
I'm not going to die from this.
I'm healed.
And it was beautiful and empowering to be around.
But for her doctor, he was like, I don't think you understand.
(06:26):
he's, you know, scientific mindset.
And so I got that phone call and was like, how do I tell
at this point in a way we're still strangers.
Sure.
She's sick at this point, physically.
No, my gosh, she was in the best shape of her life.
(06:47):
She'd found out about the colon cancer through the grail test.
Tony Robbins talks about it a lot.
And that was one of her mentors.
So she had done all of this biohacking and taken the grail test.
And that was where the first discovery was made.
(07:08):
So it was like on a path.
of health and wellness.
I'm 34.
I want to live a hundred more years and then you're diagnosed with life alteringdiagnosis.
So, um, jumping forward a bit, I had to sit down with her the next day and tell her, Hey,your doctor called me last night and he told me that he doesn't think you're going to see
(07:36):
Christmas.
And I have to tell you this.
don't.
know how to tell you this other than just saying it out loud.
And yeah, it was a lot for both of us.
I really placed all of the emotions on her because it wasn't happening to me.
But I think once she did pass, I realized that that was a lot.
(08:02):
That's a lot for anyone to process, especially not even being a medical professional too,like, and you're used to giving like grave, horrible news to people.
Like you didn't even have time to process that yourself.
Right.
Yeah.
And I think it just speaks to, I believe in alignment and I believe in, you know, we allhave a higher power at play.
(08:32):
And it just speaks to the testament that I was meant to meet her and she was meant to meetme.
Because I don't know how I powered through that.
Being the person who would be a neurotic mess if I
dropped my cereal that morning, you know, was like, how am I holding it together for herjust so I can, you know, pass on this news, but also like, how am I powering through this
(09:03):
and, and what do I do?
Because, you know, we're in March and he's saying maybe till Christmas.
Yeah.
And I, and I'm a single mom and I kind of just thought,
I can go back to my old job or I can go get a new job or I can just stay here and fightthe fight and see what happens.
(09:28):
And honestly, it was an easy decision.
didn't really feel like one.
just kind of told myself, like, if she's going to fight this and whatever way she chooses,I'm going to be here.
There's a reason that we're in each other's lives and how
It just did not feel right if I were to go, Hey, I'm going to take the safe route and I'mgoing to leave.
(09:52):
It just didn't feel right.
So I stuck it out with her and I'm glad I did.
And I'm probably going to cry any minute now.
I'm holding it together.
But yeah, so we, did, she took the homeopathic route.
She did not do chemo or radiation.
She wanted to try and fight it naturally, holistically.
(10:17):
So I mean, she probably saw by the time May came, I'd say she'd saw at least 20 to 25different doctors, medical like MD to holistic to whatever else in between.
Are they telling her that holistic wasn't the way to go or were they giving just alldifferent opinions?
(10:44):
I would say every traditional doctor was against it pretty easily because it was such anaggressive cancer.
They don't know when it started because they found it at stage four.
They'd taken, I think it was like 11 to 13 inches of her intestine out.
(11:06):
It was a lot.
And she would say, of course I would get, you know,
aggressive cancer because look at me, I'm not a normal person.
I'm not going to get a normal little speck.
I'm going to get the big thing.
At the end of the day, she was healing.
(11:29):
Her tests were coming back.
No news, no growth.
Scans were coming back good.
Tumors weren't.
bigger, they weren't appearing in new spots.
So we were like, it's working, something's working.
And she looked amazing, like she was glowing.
You would never know she was a sick person.
(11:51):
And I won't ever describe her as a sick person for the sake of the story.
Right, sure.
You would never know.
And about July is really when our energies kind of synced and we were a unit.
And that's when I noticed changes in myself, like just the, just the way I would walkinto, into work, the walk into the door, like just ready for the day, whatever was going
(12:19):
to come at us.
We're good versus back in January where I was like, I don't know if this lady's going tolike me.
Oh my gosh.
Like, you know, just nervous all the time with that nervous energy versus like justwalking in confident and ready to go knowing, you know, whatever comes, we've got it.
Right.
So that's when I noticed that change in me, which was huge because having a baby at 21 andknowing, you know, I had, knew I had anxiety.
(12:50):
I didn't really understand that it interlinked with my depression, with chronicdepression, but having a baby that young already having those types of struggles.
it really just amplified everything in me.
So by the time I met her, like I was neurotic.
(13:12):
was not like this calm woo woo, like, everything's gonna be fine.
Let's put some frankincense on it and you'll be good to go.
And now I'm like totally distrusting in the plan.
And yeah, so by July, we were really in sync.
She had her huge
(13:33):
mastery program that she would put on.
And it was just like, I felt on top of the world.
And so did she.
But behind closed doors, she was in a lot of pain.
And it was just like her and I would just look at each other and I would just be like,what do want me to do?
Like, who do I call?
What do I do?
(13:55):
August was honestly just a blur.
She started getting treatment in Malibu, California.
And
By then she'd come home early September.
I had just come back from visiting my grandmother who we thought was gonna pass.
She's still here, thank God.
But it was kind of one of those where I went home to see family and she was doing hertreatment.
(14:18):
And I came back and I just said, I need you to go to the emergency room.
She was like, I'm blocking out in pain.
I'm like, I can't take it.
And I said, I need you to go to the ER.
And she's not taking anything for pain either.
I believe that past week, so the week before she was admitted, she was taking Tylenol 3.
(14:42):
that's...
Okay.
So, and that was like, that took a lot for her to take anything, you know, like hardmedication like that, but she was in a lot of pain.
And I just was like, I just, need you to go to the ER.
(15:02):
Like I, I can't in good conscience, like just watch you be like this.
And
We went to the ER and seven days later she transitioned to heaven.
(15:23):
Wow.
Yep.
So.
when she was doing good.
She was doing excellent and it was just that timeline between July, end of July tillSeptember 16th is when she passed.
That things changed and there was a change in the treatment plan.
(15:51):
But at the end of the day, it's scientifically is what they, how they described it.
it metastasize and it can metastasize quickly, know, overnight if you will at that stage.
And it was already so aggressive, right?
so I believe she technically passed from sepsis because she was septic.
(16:24):
When you have stage four cancer, you get this fluid, it's called ascites, and it built upin her abdomen.
She looked almost eight months pregnant.
And she was a very tiny woman, like
Sometimes she would read on the couch with her blanket and I would think she wasn't homelike she was tiny.
(16:47):
And so it was very obvious that something you know, there was fluid buildup and they woulddrain it.
So, and I mean, she fought she weaned herself off all medications.
She was there seven days, I think day three or four, she said, stop giving me this, I'mgonna get out of here.
(17:08):
I need
you to stop giving me this medicine, the pain relief.
And yeah, she fought, she really wanted to get better.
And at the day before she passed, I put my hand on her and I just told her, you and Ibelieve in the same God.
And if you go home, it means you did everything you were supposed to do.
(17:31):
And I love you.
I've told this story a few times to close friends so I have a little more strength todaybut it was
It was one of my greatest honors having worked with her and learning from her.
(17:53):
And I don't mean business.
don't mean, stuff that we don't take with us.
Yes.
I mean, life.
She'd gone to Egypt two weeks before she passed or two and a half weeks before she passed,which was on her bucket list.
she.
had spoken on one of the biggest stages in her career, just probably six weeks before.
(18:20):
I mean, she was constantly doing what she wanted to do.
She did not stop living and she did not live like a sick person.
And not that there's anything wrong with that, but to be absorbing that, to be inproximity of that.
kind of energy and that just will.
Right.
Right.
And I'm telling you from the last day that we had together, and we looked at each otherand, I said, if this is just an infection, because we still weren't certain what was going
(18:55):
on, you are more than capable to be an infection.
And she goes, yes, you're right.
And then I said, and if it's something else, we are already know that there's always beena plan set.
And it was beautiful for us to have that much of a connection.
(19:15):
And I didn't really realize it then because a lot of her surrounding support system wasvery much just in the energy that she was that you're going to get better no matter what.
There's no other option.
And I was still kind of in that, you know, survival mindset from what I'd been through tobe able to look at her and be like, if this is what happens,
(19:38):
We both know that means you did all the damn things you were supposed to do and you shouldbe very proud.
Of course, I'm sure it doesn't feel that way, but I knew she needed to hear it.
I hope it meant something to her because it never was coming from a place of disbelief.
(20:00):
I wanted her to have comfort.
It's okay.
if it's time.
Yeah, but that is the very short version of my time with her.
And, you know, it was after she passed, I really went through a huge depressive wave.
(20:25):
But it wasn't my normal depressive wave, you know, having chronic depression.
I describe it.
I'm never not depressed.
It's just
like levels of it where, know, okay, today's a good day because I got out of bed and Ifelt, you know, more positive than I usually do.
(20:46):
And I did my little routine where, okay, today's a bad day.
I'm snoozing my alarm for two and a half hours.
I don't want to get out or, you know, just.
It feels like gloom and doom some days.
I'm right there with you,
Yeah.
So it didn't feel like my normal, um, depressive episodes.
(21:07):
felt like I had this, Oh my gosh, I almost feel like I was like the puppet and there was apuppeteer just kind of like walking me through what I should be doing.
But internally I felt conflicted and I felt lost and I felt pain.
You know, I had, not only did I enjoy working for her, but I had made it
(21:30):
career out of it in nine and a months.
And I felt like as a single mom who's just gone out of this messy situation, I finallyhave something that's mine.
I finally did it.
I'm on my own two feet and I don't feel like I'm drowning.
And to lose my friend and my career in the same day, that was a lot to process.
(21:55):
Yeah, I can imagine.
Yeah, so I think that-
Throughout that did she kind of talk you through that at all like that that would comesomeday or was she just so determined like this is not happening
We never ever entertained or had a discussion of an alternative.
(22:17):
Yeah, of her not making it.
Right.
Yeah.
So it
was a lot.
Was she married or had kids or anything?
No, she had a boyfriend and she had two dogs, two fur babies.
Aw.
Yeah, Wookie Lee and Kumba.
(22:39):
And one was a pit bull and Kumba was a mixture of Shar-Pei and something else.
But they were beautiful, probably the healthiest, most loved puppies I've ever met.
one point I was cooking their meals.
Like they were very, very loved and well taken.
(23:00):
Like yes, you are definitely children.
Yes, without a doubt.
But yeah, that was, that was tough.
And like I said, I experienced it all with her.
Like I was in the room, they came in to talk about hospice two and a half days before shepassed and watching them ask her, do you have any next of kin?
(23:23):
Do you have any children?
And just seeing her have to answer those questions.
I'll never forget.
so young to even...
yeah.
Yeah, so I feel like just having experienced that, and this is not ideal for everyone.
(23:51):
I'm not saying go out and, you know, do exactly as I do, but it really put in perspective,like I can't be in a prison of my mind and limit myself just because I know I have these
conditions.
does not mean I have to put limits on myself.
(24:14):
And I think that is the biggest lesson.
Like I would never have thought I'd be on any podcast ever.
Because I'm used to being, you know, the background girl and you know, the one, you know,texting other people to set up their interviews with Jesse Lee.
(24:36):
you know, and it, took me a year.
But the process from...
September 2023 through probably October 2024 is where I came full circle I felt like.
(24:58):
And I'm like, okay, now I have to start living for me.
What does that look like?
You know, you're going through this year and you're, you're grieving a lot of differentthings.
You're grieving for her, her life, the life she should have had, all the things.
And you, God.
(25:19):
It honestly, if I didn't have support and she left me with a village,
Because I was very alone before I met her.
I moved to Dallas, Texas, my co-parent, and I don't have family out here.
(25:44):
We wanted our daughter to go to school out here, and this is where we landed.
But I was very alone.
And...
So her people also became your people.
Yeah.
She left me.
She left me physically, but she left me with a lot.
(26:06):
And I really needed it.
And I think that anyone is going through grief or any of their mental health struggles.
It's finding your people and finding your support and remembering that you're not a burdenwhen it's your people.
(26:26):
Right.
Right.
And that was probably the glue, more than likely anything, is that I had so many peopleuplifting me, loving on me, checking on me.
That speaks so much of who she was then.
Absolutely.
I mean, I can remember like I've had a lot of loss and traumas and you know, like even Iwas 25 years old when my first husband died and listening to you say how you had all of
(26:57):
this around you and people like loving on you and all these things.
I can remember feeling so alone like that and I didn't have that.
You know, I can't imagine what it would have been like to have it.
Yeah, that's who she was.
She left you with that.
(27:17):
That gosh, that's incredible.
Yeah.
And I'm sorry that you didn't because it is so, it is the most, it's like when you get,you've been to the beach, I'm not sure, you're in Nashville.
we live in South Florida though for like 20 years
Yeah, it's like when you're playing all of a sudden and that one wave just takes your feetout and you're just doing this.
(27:42):
Right.
And it's like, you know, what a blessing to have somebody pull
absolutely.
Absolutely.
Not that I didn't have some people, you know, but it was kind of part of the reason I dothe podcast now, too.
It took me so long and so many tragedies, so many things.
But a lot of it came from feeling alone and not having that.
(28:06):
Right.
So what an amazing, incredible legacy to leave behind for her.
Absolutely.
And I'm just one person.
mean, there's so many people that I still keep in touch with and I'm seeing them, youknow, excel in their business or start a new business or quit their business and be a mom
(28:32):
and just give everything to their family because that like we all who were in closeproximity to her, even if it was through social media, we it was like,
We collectively just all were like, I'm going to live for me and I'm going to live howeverI need to live and what is my joy?
And that is what I'm going to chase.
(28:52):
I'm not going to chase all these other nonsensical things anymore because.
So what did you think, like, it's a year, you're going through all the feelings, all theups and downs, you know, that you go through with grief and loss.
And when you're talking about October, like, what were you feeling?
(29:15):
Like, what did you tell yourself?
Like, what came over you to where you're like, okay, I'm moving forward and this is whatI'm gonna do.
Yeah, I mean, that's a great question, because it was honestly just one of those ahamoments where you catch yourself like, I kept allowing myself space, you know, space if I
(29:39):
needed to grieve space if I needed to just rest, or if I wanted to avoid all myresponsibilities and go watch, you know, two movies in a row, movie theater, like, I gave
myself all of this space to just be right.
And then
knowing a year had passed and I was working with a not so great person.
(30:02):
And that kind of reminded me like, hey, what did you say you were going to do a year ago?
Like, because there was also this high of her passing, like, I have to do everything I'veever wanted, because life is short and just, you know, all of these things coming to me.
And then, you know, a year kind of trickles by and you're like, I'm a year later.
(30:26):
What am I doing?
And so I kind of just kicked myself back into that.
What did I say I was going to do?
Like holding yourself accountable.
And I quit that job.
Good.
I was like, she would not want me treated like this.
No, sir.
And I don't want myself treated like that.
(30:48):
And I literally just said, there's always a way.
That's what we always told each other.
That's what she always preached.
There's always a way.
I'm going to quit my job.
I'm going to figure it out.
And I did.
I'm still figuring it out in some sense.
OK.
But it really just comes down to the accountability and also what do you want your life tolook like and not chasing that but being that even with all the scary unknowns, right,
(31:18):
which believe me, the anxiety is still there.
It's not gone away.
Right.
I just have tools now to go like, hey, yeah, like, hey, I know you're there to protect meand, you know, keep me safe.
I got this.
Yeah.
You know, it's time for you to take a break.
I'm driving and just, you know, rein it back in because it's not gone, but there's toolsnow.
(31:47):
It's amazing.
It's just a testament of how you can impact someone's life.
And even through the podcast, I'm certain that your listeners are finding so much valuebecause you're being that person for them.
Right.
Yes.
We're all fighting something.
(32:08):
We're all struggling with something.
And just to be relatable means so much, I think, because, you know, when we're stuck indepression or our anxiety, it feels like the world's caving in on you.
Right.
Like we feel like, my God, like and you feel like you're the only person no one wouldunderstand.
And that's what I don't want people to feel like that because there's so many of us, youknow, that are struggling constantly.
(32:36):
But wow.
I hope like all her people feel the same.
It has to be her like working through so many of you.
Oh, absolutely.
I have no doubt.
Like, I don't know how woo woo you get, but I talk to her all the time.
I recently just had finally dated back in January after like two and a half years, zerodates.
(33:02):
And before I went on our second date, I just was talking to her and I just was saying, youknow, I want you to meet this guy.
I wish you were here.
I would tell you all about him.
And he brought me purple orchids.
on our second date, which was like, and I never spoke about this, but her and I.
(33:23):
That's my absolute, Orchids specifically, yeah.
I mean, it didn't work out with him, but it was also a reminder like, hey, you keep sayingyou got to live your life and you're blocking this whole other like, whole other piece of
yourself, which is being open to receiving love.
And I really think it was just her going, hey, I heard you.
(33:47):
I'm proud of you.
So where are you at now with what you're wanting to do and like, are you kind of followingin her footsteps on anything, keeping anything going or is she helping guide you on all
the things that you always wanted to do?
(34:08):
Yeah, I really feel like it's a little bit of both.
So I'm trying to keep in touch with her coaching group, just because, you know, we're allconnected through social media.
So I do try to, you know, pop in and, you know, gather us for certain things.
haven't really pulled the trigger on anything yet, but I do try to keep them within thecommunity and they keep it running themselves.
(34:33):
Honestly, they, they've not.
lost touch of that community either.
I think we've got, at this point, I think we've got a little under a thousand people whoare still in touch from that, from her coaching program.
So there's that as far as like, you know, her stuff, but really it's just bringing myselfback to me, you know,
(35:00):
having a child so young and being in a not so great relationship.
And a lot of that stems from childhood trauma, which is a totally different episode.
Yes.
It's, it's, lost a lot of myself and, you know, I'm a performer.
used to dance.
I love, I am a theater kid.
(35:22):
And so a lot of what I've tried to implement, especially this year is my hobbies.
What do I enjoy doing?
And why am I not doing that?
Even if it is for fun or even if it's for, for serious, like, I want to make a buck offthis.
Like if I love it, I need to step into it.
And so really that's where I'm at is just stepping into myself again, living for me.
(35:46):
I've, I've always taken jobs where I'm of service to people because I love it, but I alsoneed to be of service to me.
And when you're a performer, I really think that.
a piece of you can die if you don't continue being a creative and continue doing whatbreathes life into you.
(36:08):
Right.
So I'm trying to breathe some life back into me and see where that's going to come from.
I'm not 100 % sure I'm leaving it open.
That's okay.
Girl, I'm going on 49 and I still wonder all the time.
You just never know.
Our grandson, our oldest grandson lives with us here in Nashville.
(36:30):
He's a competitive dancer.
Yeah, and he just turned 10, but like kind of what you're saying about all that, that'ssomething we definitely want to instill in him.
So he never loses himself.
It's so easy to do.
It's so easy to do.
Yeah, especially.
(36:51):
I don't think I think that when you're meant to have kids, you're going to have them.
But I am an advocate for people who are like, I'm not sure I want kids.
like, and that's okay.
Because it was a lot at 21 to not only did my body completely change, and that was a wholeother thing.
But it was like, I wanted to be this type of mom where she saw me dancing and she saw mein theater and I wanted her to grow up.
(37:19):
in the theater.
And she can cheat there's still time but it was like, I didn't do any of that.
And I and I don't want her to become a mom and think I have to throw all these pieces ofme away.
And so that's a big part of it too is, you know, my daughter I want her to no matter herpath, I want her to know like who you are and what you love matters.
(37:42):
No matter if you're a mom or not.
Yes, just do what makes you happy being your joy.
And so that's
big factor in me trying all these things and you know trying to find what's my you knowwhere's my zone and where I'm going.
But that's the best way to teach her is for her to witness that all in you.
(38:03):
You know, I'm sure she's what, five, six?
She is almost eight.
Yeah.
We here in 2022 when she was five.
Oh, when she was in kindergarten.
Yes.
Right, okay.
Oh yeah, she's eight.
She's like a little sponge right now.
She's seeing everything you're doing.
(38:23):
She's witnessing all of that.
Yes.
No, I mean, would she wonder why you were sad or why you were depressed that last year orso?
yeah, and it hit her pretty hard too because...
I was gonna say did she know she her around her yeah
(38:44):
And she was really the only person when she was with me, because we do every other week.
She, Jesse Lee was the only other person my daughter had met, like through me.
So it was really like she knew, you know, it's like when you go over to your mom and dad'shouse and you bring the kids, like it's just a normal thing.
was kind of like that.
(39:05):
Like I'm like, we're not going home yet.
We're going to Jesse Lee's, you know, she knew her, she, she'd play with her dogs.
Like she, like,
She's our person too.
Yeah, like part of your life.
Right.
So it was really, um, that was hard to just knowing that it affected her as well.
And I didn't think twice that, you know, she would break her as well, but she did.
(39:27):
And so I would, I've always been very honest with my daughter and just tell her like, Hey,I'm kind of sad today.
And you know, mommy just really wants to rest and you know, is it okay if we just hang outat home and she's like, yeah.
Sure.
know, she's, she, know, and that was something we dealt with before when I was in my deepdepression from the separation is I would just tell her, know, mommy's kind of sad right
(39:58):
now.
And, you know, she's asking to play.
I'm like, how about we, you know, play this card game so I can sit in bed and do it or,you know, finding a way to kind of still connect with your kids, but also.
give yourself space to be human.
For for sure.
I think it's important for them to understand too and being honest with them based on evenwhat she's seeing.
(40:24):
If you weren't honest, she'd know that that just doesn't make sense.
I don't know, I think that that's so important.
A lot of people disagree, but I've always been that way with my kids too, because we'vewent through it and my grandkids, because they have to know that they're getting the truth
from you.
you know, because you're their person, they trust you.
(40:46):
So it's so awesome that you're doing that with her.
And she's going to respect that so much as she gets older.
I hope so.
Yeah, it's like, you know, I try to think of things a little too far ahead sometimes, youknow, tuning in the anxiety and OCD.
It's like, I, I know all of the guilt and shame that I had to break through and still somedays I have to break through.
(41:12):
And if I can eliminate as much of that as possible for when she's a mother, like that isenough for me.
For her to just know, like, I have space to be human.
I don't have to be perfect on mom all the time.
I can be, you know, I can be slow mom.
can be, you know, heat up mac and cheese mom.
(41:33):
I can be, you know, Martha Stewart mom.
Like you could be, you know, you have space to be, just be.
And yeah, my mom was a single mom too, but a lot of our,
communication styles differ where I knew my mom was stressed out, but it felt like it wasme.
(41:58):
Yeah.
And I, and you know, my mom did the best she could.
have access to unlimited information.
have access to therapists.
have access to YouTube that with psychologists who post, you know, here's how tounderstand this and that.
Like I have unlimited access to everything.
I understand that my mom did it, but
(42:19):
You know, that is the difference that I'm trying to make for her is just to understandlike, might not want to say, Hey, mom's having a panic attack because I have anxiety
disorder, but you know, mommy needs it to be quiet.
right.
Just like five minutes, let's set a timer and, know, figuring that out.
And then for her, I'm hoping it's just second nature, you know, like she doesn't have tofeel like she has to make up all these things.
(42:45):
Well, and she's learning like tools, you know, you're saying, okay, five minute timeout,you know, maybe she'll say that later, regardless of what it is, if she needs that five
minutes.
Because a lot of people have no clue even how to do the.
Yeah, yeah
You know, like, I know I didn't until way too late.
(43:07):
But finally, you know, but finally.
and it makes us who we're meant to be like I don't Hold anything against my mom anymoreYou know that was a big thing for me when I was around 25 and I really was like Needed all
the help I could get with therapy and everything else.
I realized like, you know I can either not forgive her I not speak to her right or I canjust understand like that's the best she could do and I want her in my life and move
(43:38):
forward with that
You know, I don't hold it.
she hopefully did the best she could in the moment, you know, with whatever tools she hador whatever people she had around her.
Right.
And I think when we were younger, it's really hard to look at it like that.
You know, we just think, you know, we automatically, you know, we were the victim becausemom and dad or dad, whoever's in the family, you know, just wasn't really present or they
(44:04):
weren't what we thought that they should be.
So we just carry that resentment for so long.
That's good, so she's in your life.
Oh yeah, yeah, she's taking care of my grandparents now.
So she's in a totally different season for herself.
you know, it's tough.
We still have our days and I'm the middle child.
(44:25):
I'm the one.
How many kids do you have?
If don't mind.
two girls.
Yeah, but they're 30 and almost 24.
Awesome.
So my mom has my older sister who's three years older than me and then I have a 15 yearage gap from my baby sister and 16 year age gap from my brother.
(44:49):
And he's the first boy born in our family in 41 years.
Wow.
Yeah.
So she started over, but I'm still, I still had that middle child flavor.
I guess we just knew.
So her and I still butt heads, but it is, it's a conscious decision, you know, and there'sno shame if you go the other way.
(45:12):
If you just go, can't, I need to just be separate.
That's okay too, you know.
How's your daughter's dad?
You guys good?
No, I'd say we're more in the just we figured out what's worked for us.
(45:34):
Yeah, he's he's got a fiance and I think she's wonderful.
My daughter loves her.
So that is like a blessing.
Yeah, yeah.
For me, it's like, I noticed the difference when he's in a relationship and not.
And this one feels authentic, because it's not the first one that you know, since we'vebeen separated for five years or so or six years or so.
(46:00):
So this one feels real.
and I'm happy for them because I want my daughter to have that example.
And it's not on my agenda.
I mean, I'm not saying I won't have love.
I'm I'm not exiling it, but it's not on my agenda.
Yeah, yeah, you're like, I'm working on me.
Yeah, so it's good that she gets that example.
(46:22):
And yeah, you know, we we switch days if there's something going on on his side and youknow, it's it's it works for us.
You know, we're not best friends, but you don't have to be sometimes.
Just to be civil and just respect each other, I think is huge.
Right.
I agree.
You know, we don't all have to be, you know, these blended families and yeah.
(46:46):
I don't know how often that really works, but people say it does.
Not for me.
I'm an astrology girlie.
I'm a cancer.
I need my space.
Okay?
If I'm done with you, I'm done.
Right, right.
Move along.
Yeah, we're good.
We had our time.
(47:06):
So what do you have going on now?
So what's in the plan?
Right now I have, I've started my own business in November.
It was really to just free up my mind, to be more creative.
So I had to take a step back from being a personal assistant, executive assistant, becausethat basically takes all of my energy and soul.
(47:31):
So I started a cleaning business and, I love it.
It's my own schedule.
It's my own.
Everything.
Yes.
And my clients are incredible.
It was really just like, at first it was just so could pay my bills and like mentally healfrom everything.
And it just became my business.
(47:52):
So I'm doing that and I'm hoping to continue to grow it and not ready for it to end justyet.
But the trick worked.
My brain feels a little bit more active, my creative.
juices are flowing and so I'm stepping back into acting and trying to find my way in thetheater.
(48:13):
Really?
Yeah, yeah.
Thank you.
And part of me wanting to be more active on social media is to break through that barrierof being afraid of being seen.
And what better way to do that than just going and being your authentic.
So that's definitely a huge part of it.
(48:33):
Of course, I
I wanna make an impact and I don't wanna just be more noise, but they all connect and I'mjust trying to work on me and finding that groove that works for me.
Yeah.
Did when Jesse Lee did you experience being that she was a public figure?
(48:58):
Were there like a lot of haters and things like that?
I'm just so curious now that you're telling me so much about her, like how would shehandle that?
Nothing.
It was just yeah.
didn't acknowledge it.
No, actually, she is just the strongest person I've ever met.
(49:18):
I'm sure in some ways it affected her, but she would like watch it sometimes and she'dlaugh and laugh.
And she had like this roaring like cackle like she would just laugh and laugh.
And I was like, I watched it and I got angry and you're laughing.
Like, how are you so mentally strong?
Right.
(49:38):
Right.
Most the time, you know, she knew it existed.
Every now and then she'd watch this or that and most of the time she'd just laugh or she'dbe like, I don't know how they have that much time because I don't have any room.
I'd like, do I have room on my schedule to blah, blah, And I'm like, no, you really don'tbecause you're booked, you don't have time to respond.
(50:03):
She handled it very well with Grace.
And I think at the end of the day, it's just the way you view it.
So any press is good press or, it's just more, and it worked in her favor a lot of thetimes, which is kind of funny because when people are trying to hate on you, they're
(50:26):
trying to bring you down.
And a lot of times it would backfire.
Like she did this podcast with her partner and the haters were like getting everyone towatch it, I guess.
her pot, the, the, woman's podcast that she did.
that episode ranked number two in the country.
it, I'm like, this is backfiring.
(50:50):
yeah, yeah, she handled it really well.
And, that's something that I, I, I'm still learning to do is to be seen and not be afraidof who's going to judge me.
And that's a big
That's why I had that question because you know I think of like even my grandson in thedance world he like is ridiculously amazing like in two years like one national dance
(51:17):
honor national what was it mini national honor dancer last year in Las Vegas like and allthe things and I mean he has social media not that he does that we do but some of the hate
that even he gets he's 10.
the hate that he gets sometimes.
mean, now mind you, it's probably 90 percent.
(51:39):
He's everything amazing and then some.
then, you know, your little 10 percent of like shitheads.
Right.
it just made me think of that.
If you took anything from her with that, because you said you were wanting to get backinto theater and, know, do things like that.
And I think it's tough.
It, I think so too.
And I think the, kind of transmute it into, if I wasn't meant to do something, there wouldbe no resistance.
(52:09):
There would be no like voices in the background or, you know, people jealous or whateverword they want to use, NBA, whatever.
I would think that it would just, you know, it wouldn't feel.
Authenticity makes ugly people really angry.
and uncomfortable.
(52:31):
And I think that if I'm in a room where there's none of that, I'm either like on myhighest vibration, they can't reach me or like, you know, it's just.
Like shit, am I not making an impression at all?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I think it's just part of like, you know, okay, this side of this world, it exists.
(52:52):
So if I want this, I have to have both.
And I have to figure out how to have them both.
And to me, the, the, the, the, end of the, that road is worth having both because it'swhere my, you know, I, I'm, don't know where my life is going to lead in,
(53:13):
theater and acting and performing, but I know how I feel and it's worth it.
Right, no, no.
It's amazing and you're beautiful and now you've had all these experiences already.
You need to make sure you're out there talking about it.
Yeah, and just spreading her message, I promised her I would, I said, I thank you forsharing your magic with me and I'll spread it everywhere I go.
(53:42):
So I'm trying to spread the magic and trying to share it.
Well, you are, are.
God, I could ask you like 5,000 different questions about her.
And now I'm like intrigued.
I'm like, all right, when we're done, I have to definitely look her up and read about herand just.
She's left her mark, that's for sure.
(54:04):
You have to go on TikTok and see her last TikTok.
It'll make you cry.
But her last TikTok she shared, she did like a montage of goodbyes, not knowing.
And it's honestly, it's really beautiful because it's just her.
(54:27):
It's just her being silly and yeah, it's
that your favorite thing that she left as far as like a video or anything?
Because I can have Kenna, maybe we can get Kenna to put it at the end of this, like inmemory.
you should.
It's, yeah, it's beautiful.
(54:47):
It's really, it's very silly.
It's just her signing off and it was her last TikTok ever.
And she had no idea.
Nope, none of us did.
Yeah, it's it's beautiful.
And I think that that's perfect because it's really just a testament just yourself.
Try to feel a little joy and the rest is going to fall the way it's supposed to fall.
(55:11):
it's supposed to.
I think that's the best way to leave this.
Yeah, this was amazing.
Thank you so much.
It was so amazing.
mean, we have to definitely have you back on down the road to just to see where you're at.
I think you're to do big things.
Thank you.
I think so too.
Yeah.
Yeah, and you and you always have her with you.
(55:33):
You know, you always have that you'll always have that little voice telling you.
Oh yeah, I mean she wakes me up sometimes because I'm you know in my self doubt and allthe darkness is consuming me and then she's like, what are you on about?
Right?
You know, like and that's how she would speak to me.
She'd be like, why are you worried right now?
(55:56):
And I'd be like, I don't know.
And then she'd be like, okay, so stop.
And then we'd figure it out.
And you know, I have to figure it out myself now.
But
I do, hear her voice.
I still hear her voice.
Like if I'm thinking of her or I feel like she's saying something to me, it sounds likeher.
And I feel like that's just because she's that powerful.
(56:20):
I mean, that's what we could all hope for, that we leave something like that behind.
So that's amazing.
Yeah, I needed her.
I really did.
I was not myself for almost a decade.
Yeah.
And now here you are.
Here I am, sorry everybody else.
There was a lot of people who were probably really happy when I was in my dark ages.
(56:48):
Well, they can just keep on hating, girl.
Let them hate.
Yeah.
Seriously.
You're awesome.
You're awesome.
Just keep going.
Keep going.
Keep doing it.
Thank you.
You too.
Thank you.
Thank you.
I can't wait to see all that you do and grow.
too.
Never know.
(57:08):
Every day is different, right?
Exactly.
I never set limitations.
Some people are like, so what do want to do once you do that?
I'm like, I don't know.
I'll come up with 15 different things by then.
I don't know.
Exactly.
Alright honey, well I appreciate you and I know there's a lot of people that will takesomething from this.
(57:29):
I hope so.
Thank you so much.
Thanks for coming.
Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you too.
Hello, how are you?
It's Jessi Lee and welcome to this episode of Jessi Lee Heals Holistically from stage fourcolorectal cancer.
I'm your host, crazy cool Jessi Lee.
Okay, so in all seriousness, I only picked this person's comment because they are sayingsomething about the results or whatever.
(57:50):
So I have no idea what they're talking about about biopsy.
I've had, there's nothing to biopsy.
So hello.
I am coming to you live from California and I just wanted to tell you my doctor calledafter eight days today to give me my PET scan results.
And if you've been following along, you might've noticed that maybe I'm not posting asfrequently.
(58:12):
A large portion of that is that I'm in pain.
I've been talking a lot about it in my Instagram stories and I think I've talked about iton some TikToks here, but my stomach hurts here.
I feel super distended.
My kidneys, they feel fine right now.
I took Tylenol about two hours ago.
But they hurt.
When I sleep, I don't really sleep.
I flop and I flip like a fish all night long.
(58:34):
I'm getting like three and a half hours of sleep, which is not good for recovery.
So I'm freaking out.
I don't have my dogs in California, which is a crime.
And I just, anytime I travel, I feel so out of tune.
You know what I mean?
Like I'm so used to having my juicer in my regimen and my.
clinics I go to and whatever and I'm here in California for treatment I'm not likepartying but I feel like I don't have everything that I need even though I have everything
(58:59):
I technically need.
Make sense?
So anywho this is week two of treatment out here straight which means not my dogs whichdepresses me but my doctor finally called today after my PET scan last Monday today is
Tuesday September 5th 2023 if you're watching this and and I think part of me is still inshock so
(59:19):
I don't know if that's like normal for cancer people's.
You guys will have to tell me in the comments, but like I'm gonna cry again.
can feel it I've cried like on and off about it.
But like even when I was on the actual film with the oncologist and I have visualized thisto be something where like anytime I get good news, like burst out in tears and it didn't
(59:42):
happen.
But I will update you.
So I got really good news today, everybody.
So my doctor called me and he said that many of my lymph nodes have gone back to theiroriginal size with no evidence of disease in them.
The ones that still remain have decreased in size.
There is no mass on my right ovary anymore.
(01:00:04):
That is literally gone, so praise God.
And he says, just schedule another PET scan in about six months.
I'll see you then.
If you don't know and you're new to this channel, I was told now that I have less than 30days left to live.
(01:00:25):
And I was just told by my traditional oncologist at Texas Oncology who reads my scans andorders my scans for me.
I don't know, see you in six months.
Like I'm in shock, I should be balling again for the 15th time right now.
(01:00:46):
Wow.
So all of this is working.
All this holistic stuff is working.
I do look healthier.
I thought I looked healthier, but now it's confirmed.
I do notice my hair growth is crazy.
My nails have grown a lot.
I just think I was so scared because I was in so much pain.
So cancer die off is a real thing that no one really talks about.
(01:01:08):
When the cancer cells die, they get angry apparently.
So I'm experiencing some anger in my stomach and back regions.
but that's about it my cancer free friends.
So i'm not yet at no evidence of disease That is obviously the goal, but this is a hugeMilestone big mile marker.
I feel like i'm rubbing lymph nodes by the way from what i'm doing.
(01:01:31):
I just it's just one of the first days.
I feel like I can breathe in a really long time and So that's my update you guys like mynon-toxic not polish.
Isn't so cute.
Just don't send it to me.
It's from senegens
Alright, I love you guys.
Bye.
Thanks for following.
Okay, toodle-loo kangaroo.
After a while, crocodile.
(01:01:51):
Catch you on the flip side.
Sayonara, suckas.
Shibiyak.
Gotta run, buttercup.
Bye.
Hi and welcome back to Beyond the Monsters.
Today I have Carissa with me and she's going to tell us her story of, you know, single momsuffered with anxiety, depression, OCD, you know, many different mental health components
that many of us can relate to.
(00:21):
And, you know, luckily for her, someone amazing came in her life and
She's going to tell that changed everything for her.
So she's going to tell us a story about what she struggled with, who came into her lifeand how it's changed everything for her.
So Carissa, welcome to Beyond the Monsters.
We're out.
(00:48):
you
Thank you so much for having me.
I'm honored to be here.
Yes, so you just go ahead and however you're comfortable, know with you know Give us alittle bit of your story and you know how it led to where you are today
(01:08):
Yeah, well, I'll start where I think is the easiest, you jumping point.
And it's how I met this person.
So I was the personal assistant to a multimillionaire entrepreneur, multiple businessowner and network marketer.
(01:29):
Her name is Jessie Lee Ward.
And really, the way that I met her,
had everything to do with me wanting to get out of my comfort zone.
I had been about two years into my separation.
I had a baby at 21, had a separation at 25, moved multiple states amidst having anxiety,depression, OCD.
(01:56):
mean, you can imagine the mental toll it would take on anybody.
So once I was 27, I started kind of just
getting my feet on the ground really after a separation for anybody.
It's a lot to go through.
And I had been working from home for three years and I just was like, my daughter's inkindergarten now.
(02:19):
I don't want to work from home anymore.
I want to get out into the world, get back out there.
So I had literally made the conscious decision that I wanted to change my path.
Went onto Facebook and found an ad.
really just a post looking for a personal assistant, highly active entrepreneur must be,you know, all the requirements.
(02:46):
And I just said, Hey, I think it would be perfect for this.
I've been an assistant for almost 10 years at that time, like, you know, six or seven,and, they interviewed me and it was like fate.
They, liked me and I liked her and I was going to start in the new year.
was right two weeks before Christmas or so.
Okay.
(03:07):
Put my two weeks in at my job that I had, my normal nine to five, and was like, Kim, startworking for this lady.
I don't know anything about her.
I've never heard of her before.
Okay.
And really just wanted a change of pace.
And man, she gave it to me.
I can imagine if you were sitting next to your assistant or maybe you have had people inyour team, you know, you really...
(03:34):
You really just kind of have to dive in and just get to know each other and like go, themore you know, as you go, like there's really not a pamphlet.
Here's all about me.
It's kind of just like, this is what we do and we're going for it.
Right.
So that is exactly what happened.
Um, and I started working with her January 2nd and, um, about two weeks into myemployment, she was diagnosed with stage four colon cancer at 34 years young.
(04:05):
she had just launched her.
Business coaching platform, which was doing amazing.
She'd already surpassed a million dollars in sales.
I mean, and she'd started it in November.
So if that tells you anything, just, yeah, she was just meant to do what she did and shejust, she did it.
(04:26):
Right.
So, you know, two weeks in her and I don't really know each other.
Um, I get the call because when she, um, went into.
This is, fast forwarding here, I'm sorry, but you know, we don't really know each other.
I'm looking for MRIs that will service her.
I'm looking for, you know, gastroenterologists, everybody you can think of that you'regonna need when you get this type of diagnosis.
(04:54):
So a couple of months passed by, she finally gets surgery.
And before she goes in, her PA, so I'm filling out hospital forms for her like I alwaysdo.
And I said, who do you want as your emergency contact?
And she goes, nothing's going to happen.
Just put you.
And I was like, all right, put myself down.
(05:16):
That was the end of that.
She had surgery about three days later.
She was let go to go home.
They called me because I was listed as her emergency contact.
And he told her doctor told me everything.
He said, you're the person she's got listed here.
And it's my duty to make sure that she understands the severity of her diagnosis.
(05:41):
And he said, unfortunately, when she left, I just didn't feel like she understood howserious this is.
And he let me know that she had until Christmas.
This is March, 2023.
And so I'm this 27 year old newbie assistant.
(06:02):
And this
a little bit about Jesse Lee is she just, if she decided something, it was.
And she was like, I'm beating stage four corn cancer.
I'm beating it right now.
I'm not going to die from this.
I'm healed.
And it was beautiful and empowering to be around.
But for her doctor, he was like, I don't think you understand.
(06:26):
he's, you know, scientific mindset.
And so I got that phone call and was like, how do I tell
at this point in a way we're still strangers.
Sure.
She's sick at this point, physically.
No, my gosh, she was in the best shape of her life.
(06:47):
She'd found out about the colon cancer through the grail test.
Tony Robbins talks about it a lot.
And that was one of her mentors.
So she had done all of this biohacking and taken the grail test.
And that was where the first discovery was made.
(07:08):
So it was like on a path.
of health and wellness.
I'm 34.
I want to live a hundred more years and then you're diagnosed with life alteringdiagnosis.
So, um, jumping forward a bit, I had to sit down with her the next day and tell her, Hey,your doctor called me last night and he told me that he doesn't think you're going to see
(07:36):
Christmas.
And I have to tell you this.
don't.
know how to tell you this other than just saying it out loud.
And yeah, it was a lot for both of us.
I really placed all of the emotions on her because it wasn't happening to me.
But I think once she did pass, I realized that that was a lot.
(08:02):
That's a lot for anyone to process, especially not even being a medical professional too,like, and you're used to giving like grave, horrible news to people.
Like you didn't even have time to process that yourself.
Right.
Yeah.
And I think it just speaks to, I believe in alignment and I believe in, you know, we allhave a higher power at play.
(08:32):
And it just speaks to the testament that I was meant to meet her and she was meant to meetme.
Because I don't know how I powered through that.
Being the person who would be a neurotic mess if I
dropped my cereal that morning, you know, was like, how am I holding it together for herjust so I can, you know, pass on this news, but also like, how am I powering through this
(09:03):
and, and what do I do?
Because, you know, we're in March and he's saying maybe till Christmas.
Yeah.
And I, and I'm a single mom and I kind of just thought,
I can go back to my old job or I can go get a new job or I can just stay here and fightthe fight and see what happens.
(09:28):
And honestly, it was an easy decision.
didn't really feel like one.
just kind of told myself, like, if she's going to fight this and whatever way she chooses,I'm going to be here.
There's a reason that we're in each other's lives and how
It just did not feel right if I were to go, Hey, I'm going to take the safe route and I'mgoing to leave.
(09:52):
It just didn't feel right.
So I stuck it out with her and I'm glad I did.
And I'm probably going to cry any minute now.
I'm holding it together.
But yeah, so we, did, she took the homeopathic route.
She did not do chemo or radiation.
She wanted to try and fight it naturally, holistically.
(10:17):
So I mean, she probably saw by the time May came, I'd say she'd saw at least 20 to 25different doctors, medical like MD to holistic to whatever else in between.
Are they telling her that holistic wasn't the way to go or were they giving just alldifferent opinions?
(10:44):
I would say every traditional doctor was against it pretty easily because it was such anaggressive cancer.
They don't know when it started because they found it at stage four.
They'd taken, I think it was like 11 to 13 inches of her intestine out.
(11:06):
It was a lot.
And she would say, of course I would get, you know,
aggressive cancer because look at me, I'm not a normal person.
I'm not going to get a normal little speck.
I'm going to get the big thing.
At the end of the day, she was healing.
(11:29):
Her tests were coming back.
No news, no growth.
Scans were coming back good.
Tumors weren't.
bigger, they weren't appearing in new spots.
So we were like, it's working, something's working.
And she looked amazing, like she was glowing.
You would never know she was a sick person.
(11:51):
And I won't ever describe her as a sick person for the sake of the story.
Right, sure.
You would never know.
And about July is really when our energies kind of synced and we were a unit.
And that's when I noticed changes in myself, like just the, just the way I would walkinto, into work, the walk into the door, like just ready for the day, whatever was going
(12:19):
to come at us.
We're good versus back in January where I was like, I don't know if this lady's going tolike me.
Oh my gosh.
Like, you know, just nervous all the time with that nervous energy versus like justwalking in confident and ready to go knowing, you know, whatever comes, we've got it.
Right.
So that's when I noticed that change in me, which was huge because having a baby at 21 andknowing, you know, I had, knew I had anxiety.
(12:50):
I didn't really understand that it interlinked with my depression, with chronicdepression, but having a baby that young already having those types of struggles.
it really just amplified everything in me.
So by the time I met her, like I was neurotic.
(13:12):
was not like this calm woo woo, like, everything's gonna be fine.
Let's put some frankincense on it and you'll be good to go.
And now I'm like totally distrusting in the plan.
And yeah, so by July, we were really in sync.
She had her huge
(13:33):
mastery program that she would put on.
And it was just like, I felt on top of the world.
And so did she.
But behind closed doors, she was in a lot of pain.
And it was just like her and I would just look at each other and I would just be like,what do want me to do?
Like, who do I call?
What do I do?
(13:55):
August was honestly just a blur.
She started getting treatment in Malibu, California.
And
By then she'd come home early September.
I had just come back from visiting my grandmother who we thought was gonna pass.
She's still here, thank God.
But it was kind of one of those where I went home to see family and she was doing hertreatment.
(14:18):
And I came back and I just said, I need you to go to the emergency room.
She was like, I'm blocking out in pain.
I'm like, I can't take it.
And I said, I need you to go to the ER.
And she's not taking anything for pain either.
I believe that past week, so the week before she was admitted, she was taking Tylenol 3.
(14:42):
that's...
Okay.
So, and that was like, that took a lot for her to take anything, you know, like hardmedication like that, but she was in a lot of pain.
And I just was like, I just, need you to go to the ER.
(15:02):
Like I, I can't in good conscience, like just watch you be like this.
And
We went to the ER and seven days later she transitioned to heaven.
(15:23):
Wow.
Yep.
So.
when she was doing good.
She was doing excellent and it was just that timeline between July, end of July tillSeptember 16th is when she passed.
That things changed and there was a change in the treatment plan.
(15:51):
But at the end of the day, it's scientifically is what they, how they described it.
it metastasize and it can metastasize quickly, know, overnight if you will at that stage.
And it was already so aggressive, right?
so I believe she technically passed from sepsis because she was septic.
(16:24):
When you have stage four cancer, you get this fluid, it's called ascites, and it built upin her abdomen.
She looked almost eight months pregnant.
And she was a very tiny woman, like
Sometimes she would read on the couch with her blanket and I would think she wasn't homelike she was tiny.
(16:47):
And so it was very obvious that something you know, there was fluid buildup and they woulddrain it.
So, and I mean, she fought she weaned herself off all medications.
She was there seven days, I think day three or four, she said, stop giving me this, I'mgonna get out of here.
(17:08):
I need
you to stop giving me this medicine, the pain relief.
And yeah, she fought, she really wanted to get better.
And at the day before she passed, I put my hand on her and I just told her, you and Ibelieve in the same God.
And if you go home, it means you did everything you were supposed to do.
(17:31):
And I love you.
I've told this story a few times to close friends so I have a little more strength todaybut it was
It was one of my greatest honors having worked with her and learning from her.
(17:53):
And I don't mean business.
don't mean, stuff that we don't take with us.
Yes.
I mean, life.
She'd gone to Egypt two weeks before she passed or two and a half weeks before she passed,which was on her bucket list.
she.
had spoken on one of the biggest stages in her career, just probably six weeks before.
(18:20):
I mean, she was constantly doing what she wanted to do.
She did not stop living and she did not live like a sick person.
And not that there's anything wrong with that, but to be absorbing that, to be inproximity of that.
kind of energy and that just will.
Right.
Right.
And I'm telling you from the last day that we had together, and we looked at each otherand, I said, if this is just an infection, because we still weren't certain what was going
(18:55):
on, you are more than capable to be an infection.
And she goes, yes, you're right.
And then I said, and if it's something else, we are already know that there's always beena plan set.
And it was beautiful for us to have that much of a connection.
(19:15):
And I didn't really realize it then because a lot of her surrounding support system wasvery much just in the energy that she was that you're going to get better no matter what.
There's no other option.
And I was still kind of in that, you know, survival mindset from what I'd been through tobe able to look at her and be like, if this is what happens,
(19:38):
We both know that means you did all the damn things you were supposed to do and you shouldbe very proud.
Of course, I'm sure it doesn't feel that way, but I knew she needed to hear it.
I hope it meant something to her because it never was coming from a place of disbelief.
(20:00):
I wanted her to have comfort.
It's okay.
if it's time.
Yeah, but that is the very short version of my time with her.
And, you know, it was after she passed, I really went through a huge depressive wave.
(20:25):
But it wasn't my normal depressive wave, you know, having chronic depression.
I describe it.
I'm never not depressed.
It's just
like levels of it where, know, okay, today's a good day because I got out of bed and Ifelt, you know, more positive than I usually do.
(20:46):
And I did my little routine where, okay, today's a bad day.
I'm snoozing my alarm for two and a half hours.
I don't want to get out or, you know, just.
It feels like gloom and doom some days.
I'm right there with you,
Yeah.
So it didn't feel like my normal, um, depressive episodes.
(21:07):
felt like I had this, Oh my gosh, I almost feel like I was like the puppet and there was apuppeteer just kind of like walking me through what I should be doing.
But internally I felt conflicted and I felt lost and I felt pain.
You know, I had, not only did I enjoy working for her, but I had made it
(21:30):
career out of it in nine and a months.
And I felt like as a single mom who's just gone out of this messy situation, I finallyhave something that's mine.
I finally did it.
I'm on my own two feet and I don't feel like I'm drowning.
And to lose my friend and my career in the same day, that was a lot to process.
(21:55):
Yeah, I can imagine.
Yeah, so I think that-
Throughout that did she kind of talk you through that at all like that that would comesomeday or was she just so determined like this is not happening
We never ever entertained or had a discussion of an alternative.
(22:17):
Yeah, of her not making it.
Right.
Yeah.
So it
was a lot.
Was she married or had kids or anything?
No, she had a boyfriend and she had two dogs, two fur babies.
Aw.
Yeah, Wookie Lee and Kumba.
(22:39):
And one was a pit bull and Kumba was a mixture of Shar-Pei and something else.
But they were beautiful, probably the healthiest, most loved puppies I've ever met.
one point I was cooking their meals.
Like they were very, very loved and well taken.
(23:00):
Like yes, you are definitely children.
Yes, without a doubt.
But yeah, that was, that was tough.
And like I said, I experienced it all with her.
Like I was in the room, they came in to talk about hospice two and a half days before shepassed and watching them ask her, do you have any next of kin?
(23:23):
Do you have any children?
And just seeing her have to answer those questions.
I'll never forget.
so young to even...
yeah.
Yeah, so I feel like just having experienced that, and this is not ideal for everyone.
(23:51):
I'm not saying go out and, you know, do exactly as I do, but it really put in perspective,like I can't be in a prison of my mind and limit myself just because I know I have these
conditions.
does not mean I have to put limits on myself.
(24:14):
And I think that is the biggest lesson.
Like I would never have thought I'd be on any podcast ever.
Because I'm used to being, you know, the background girl and you know, the one, you know,texting other people to set up their interviews with Jesse Lee.
(24:36):
you know, and it, took me a year.
But the process from...
September 2023 through probably October 2024 is where I came full circle I felt like.
(24:58):
And I'm like, okay, now I have to start living for me.
What does that look like?
You know, you're going through this year and you're, you're grieving a lot of differentthings.
You're grieving for her, her life, the life she should have had, all the things.
And you, God.
(25:19):
It honestly, if I didn't have support and she left me with a village,
Because I was very alone before I met her.
I moved to Dallas, Texas, my co-parent, and I don't have family out here.
(25:44):
We wanted our daughter to go to school out here, and this is where we landed.
But I was very alone.
And...
So her people also became your people.
Yeah.
She left me.
She left me physically, but she left me with a lot.
(26:06):
And I really needed it.
And I think that anyone is going through grief or any of their mental health struggles.
It's finding your people and finding your support and remembering that you're not a burdenwhen it's your people.
(26:26):
Right.
Right.
And that was probably the glue, more than likely anything, is that I had so many peopleuplifting me, loving on me, checking on me.
That speaks so much of who she was then.
Absolutely.
I mean, I can remember like I've had a lot of loss and traumas and you know, like even Iwas 25 years old when my first husband died and listening to you say how you had all of
(26:57):
this around you and people like loving on you and all these things.
I can remember feeling so alone like that and I didn't have that.
You know, I can't imagine what it would have been like to have it.
Yeah, that's who she was.
She left you with that.
(27:17):
That gosh, that's incredible.
Yeah.
And I'm sorry that you didn't because it is so, it is the most, it's like when you get,you've been to the beach, I'm not sure, you're in Nashville.
we live in South Florida though for like 20 years
Yeah, it's like when you're playing all of a sudden and that one wave just takes your feetout and you're just doing this.
(27:42):
Right.
And it's like, you know, what a blessing to have somebody pull
absolutely.
Absolutely.
Not that I didn't have some people, you know, but it was kind of part of the reason I dothe podcast now, too.
It took me so long and so many tragedies, so many things.
But a lot of it came from feeling alone and not having that.
(28:06):
Right.
So what an amazing, incredible legacy to leave behind for her.
Absolutely.
And I'm just one person.
mean, there's so many people that I still keep in touch with and I'm seeing them, youknow, excel in their business or start a new business or quit their business and be a mom
(28:32):
and just give everything to their family because that like we all who were in closeproximity to her, even if it was through social media, we it was like,
We collectively just all were like, I'm going to live for me and I'm going to live howeverI need to live and what is my joy?
And that is what I'm going to chase.
(28:52):
I'm not going to chase all these other nonsensical things anymore because.
So what did you think, like, it's a year, you're going through all the feelings, all theups and downs, you know, that you go through with grief and loss.
And when you're talking about October, like, what were you feeling?
(29:15):
Like, what did you tell yourself?
Like, what came over you to where you're like, okay, I'm moving forward and this is whatI'm gonna do.
Yeah, I mean, that's a great question, because it was honestly just one of those ahamoments where you catch yourself like, I kept allowing myself space, you know, space if I
(29:39):
needed to grieve space if I needed to just rest, or if I wanted to avoid all myresponsibilities and go watch, you know, two movies in a row, movie theater, like, I gave
myself all of this space to just be right.
And then
knowing a year had passed and I was working with a not so great person.
(30:02):
And that kind of reminded me like, hey, what did you say you were going to do a year ago?
Like, because there was also this high of her passing, like, I have to do everything I'veever wanted, because life is short and just, you know, all of these things coming to me.
And then, you know, a year kind of trickles by and you're like, I'm a year later.
(30:26):
What am I doing?
And so I kind of just kicked myself back into that.
What did I say I was going to do?
Like holding yourself accountable.
And I quit that job.
Good.
I was like, she would not want me treated like this.
No, sir.
And I don't want myself treated like that.
(30:48):
And I literally just said, there's always a way.
That's what we always told each other.
That's what she always preached.
There's always a way.
I'm going to quit my job.
I'm going to figure it out.
And I did.
I'm still figuring it out in some sense.
OK.
But it really just comes down to the accountability and also what do you want your life tolook like and not chasing that but being that even with all the scary unknowns, right,
(31:18):
which believe me, the anxiety is still there.
It's not gone away.
Right.
I just have tools now to go like, hey, yeah, like, hey, I know you're there to protect meand, you know, keep me safe.
I got this.
Yeah.
You know, it's time for you to take a break.
I'm driving and just, you know, rein it back in because it's not gone, but there's toolsnow.
(31:47):
It's amazing.
It's just a testament of how you can impact someone's life.
And even through the podcast, I'm certain that your listeners are finding so much valuebecause you're being that person for them.
Right.
Yes.
We're all fighting something.
(32:08):
We're all struggling with something.
And just to be relatable means so much, I think, because, you know, when we're stuck indepression or our anxiety, it feels like the world's caving in on you.
Right.
Like we feel like, my God, like and you feel like you're the only person no one wouldunderstand.
And that's what I don't want people to feel like that because there's so many of us, youknow, that are struggling constantly.
(32:36):
But wow.
I hope like all her people feel the same.
It has to be her like working through so many of you.
Oh, absolutely.
I have no doubt.
Like, I don't know how woo woo you get, but I talk to her all the time.
I recently just had finally dated back in January after like two and a half years, zerodates.
(33:02):
And before I went on our second date, I just was talking to her and I just was saying, youknow, I want you to meet this guy.
I wish you were here.
I would tell you all about him.
And he brought me purple orchids.
on our second date, which was like, and I never spoke about this, but her and I.
(33:23):
That's my absolute, Orchids specifically, yeah.
I mean, it didn't work out with him, but it was also a reminder like, hey, you keep sayingyou got to live your life and you're blocking this whole other like, whole other piece of
yourself, which is being open to receiving love.
And I really think it was just her going, hey, I heard you.
(33:47):
I'm proud of you.
So where are you at now with what you're wanting to do and like, are you kind of followingin her footsteps on anything, keeping anything going or is she helping guide you on all
the things that you always wanted to do?
(34:08):
Yeah, I really feel like it's a little bit of both.
So I'm trying to keep in touch with her coaching group, just because, you know, we're allconnected through social media.
So I do try to, you know, pop in and, you know, gather us for certain things.
haven't really pulled the trigger on anything yet, but I do try to keep them within thecommunity and they keep it running themselves.
(34:33):
Honestly, they, they've not.
lost touch of that community either.
I think we've got, at this point, I think we've got a little under a thousand people whoare still in touch from that, from her coaching program.
So there's that as far as like, you know, her stuff, but really it's just bringing myselfback to me, you know,
(35:00):
having a child so young and being in a not so great relationship.
And a lot of that stems from childhood trauma, which is a totally different episode.
Yes.
It's, it's, lost a lot of myself and, you know, I'm a performer.
used to dance.
I love, I am a theater kid.
(35:22):
And so a lot of what I've tried to implement, especially this year is my hobbies.
What do I enjoy doing?
And why am I not doing that?
Even if it is for fun or even if it's for, for serious, like, I want to make a buck offthis.
Like if I love it, I need to step into it.
And so really that's where I'm at is just stepping into myself again, living for me.
(35:46):
I've, I've always taken jobs where I'm of service to people because I love it, but I alsoneed to be of service to me.
And when you're a performer, I really think that.
a piece of you can die if you don't continue being a creative and continue doing whatbreathes life into you.
(36:08):
Right.
So I'm trying to breathe some life back into me and see where that's going to come from.
I'm not 100 % sure I'm leaving it open.
That's okay.
Girl, I'm going on 49 and I still wonder all the time.
You just never know.
Our grandson, our oldest grandson lives with us here in Nashville.
(36:30):
He's a competitive dancer.
Yeah, and he just turned 10, but like kind of what you're saying about all that, that'ssomething we definitely want to instill in him.
So he never loses himself.
It's so easy to do.
It's so easy to do.
Yeah, especially.
(36:51):
I don't think I think that when you're meant to have kids, you're going to have them.
But I am an advocate for people who are like, I'm not sure I want kids.
like, and that's okay.
Because it was a lot at 21 to not only did my body completely change, and that was a wholeother thing.
But it was like, I wanted to be this type of mom where she saw me dancing and she saw mein theater and I wanted her to grow up.
(37:19):
in the theater.
And she can cheat there's still time but it was like, I didn't do any of that.
And I and I don't want her to become a mom and think I have to throw all these pieces ofme away.
And so that's a big part of it too is, you know, my daughter I want her to no matter herpath, I want her to know like who you are and what you love matters.
(37:42):
No matter if you're a mom or not.
Yes, just do what makes you happy being your joy.
And so that's
big factor in me trying all these things and you know trying to find what's my you knowwhere's my zone and where I'm going.
But that's the best way to teach her is for her to witness that all in you.
(38:03):
You know, I'm sure she's what, five, six?
She is almost eight.
Yeah.
We here in 2022 when she was five.
Oh, when she was in kindergarten.
Yes.
Right, okay.
Oh yeah, she's eight.
She's like a little sponge right now.
She's seeing everything you're doing.
(38:23):
She's witnessing all of that.
Yes.
No, I mean, would she wonder why you were sad or why you were depressed that last year orso?
yeah, and it hit her pretty hard too because...
I was gonna say did she know she her around her yeah
(38:44):
And she was really the only person when she was with me, because we do every other week.
She, Jesse Lee was the only other person my daughter had met, like through me.
So it was really like she knew, you know, it's like when you go over to your mom and dad'shouse and you bring the kids, like it's just a normal thing.
was kind of like that.
(39:05):
Like I'm like, we're not going home yet.
We're going to Jesse Lee's, you know, she knew her, she, she'd play with her dogs.
Like she, like,
She's our person too.
Yeah, like part of your life.
Right.
So it was really, um, that was hard to just knowing that it affected her as well.
And I didn't think twice that, you know, she would break her as well, but she did.
(39:27):
And so I would, I've always been very honest with my daughter and just tell her like, Hey,I'm kind of sad today.
And you know, mommy just really wants to rest and you know, is it okay if we just hang outat home and she's like, yeah.
Sure.
know, she's, she, know, and that was something we dealt with before when I was in my deepdepression from the separation is I would just tell her, know, mommy's kind of sad right
(39:58):
now.
And, you know, she's asking to play.
I'm like, how about we, you know, play this card game so I can sit in bed and do it or,you know, finding a way to kind of still connect with your kids, but also.
give yourself space to be human.
For for sure.
I think it's important for them to understand too and being honest with them based on evenwhat she's seeing.
(40:24):
If you weren't honest, she'd know that that just doesn't make sense.
I don't know, I think that that's so important.
A lot of people disagree, but I've always been that way with my kids too, because we'vewent through it and my grandkids, because they have to know that they're getting the truth
from you.
you know, because you're their person, they trust you.
(40:46):
So it's so awesome that you're doing that with her.
And she's going to respect that so much as she gets older.
I hope so.
Yeah, it's like, you know, I try to think of things a little too far ahead sometimes, youknow, tuning in the anxiety and OCD.
It's like, I, I know all of the guilt and shame that I had to break through and still somedays I have to break through.
(41:12):
And if I can eliminate as much of that as possible for when she's a mother, like that isenough for me.
For her to just know, like, I have space to be human.
I don't have to be perfect on mom all the time.
I can be, you know, I can be slow mom.
can be, you know, heat up mac and cheese mom.
(41:33):
I can be, you know, Martha Stewart mom.
Like you could be, you know, you have space to be, just be.
And yeah, my mom was a single mom too, but a lot of our,
communication styles differ where I knew my mom was stressed out, but it felt like it wasme.
(41:58):
Yeah.
And I, and you know, my mom did the best she could.
have access to unlimited information.
have access to therapists.
have access to YouTube that with psychologists who post, you know, here's how tounderstand this and that.
Like I have unlimited access to everything.
I understand that my mom did it, but
(42:19):
You know, that is the difference that I'm trying to make for her is just to understandlike, might not want to say, Hey, mom's having a panic attack because I have anxiety
disorder, but you know, mommy needs it to be quiet.
right.
Just like five minutes, let's set a timer and, know, figuring that out.
And then for her, I'm hoping it's just second nature, you know, like she doesn't have tofeel like she has to make up all these things.
(42:45):
Well, and she's learning like tools, you know, you're saying, okay, five minute timeout,you know, maybe she'll say that later, regardless of what it is, if she needs that five
minutes.
Because a lot of people have no clue even how to do the.
Yeah, yeah
You know, like, I know I didn't until way too late.
(43:07):
But finally, you know, but finally.
and it makes us who we're meant to be like I don't Hold anything against my mom anymoreYou know that was a big thing for me when I was around 25 and I really was like Needed all
the help I could get with therapy and everything else.
I realized like, you know I can either not forgive her I not speak to her right or I canjust understand like that's the best she could do and I want her in my life and move
(43:38):
forward with that
You know, I don't hold it.
she hopefully did the best she could in the moment, you know, with whatever tools she hador whatever people she had around her.
Right.
And I think when we were younger, it's really hard to look at it like that.
You know, we just think, you know, we automatically, you know, we were the victim becausemom and dad or dad, whoever's in the family, you know, just wasn't really present or they
(44:04):
weren't what we thought that they should be.
So we just carry that resentment for so long.
That's good, so she's in your life.
Oh yeah, yeah, she's taking care of my grandparents now.
So she's in a totally different season for herself.
you know, it's tough.
We still have our days and I'm the middle child.
(44:25):
I'm the one.
How many kids do you have?
If don't mind.
two girls.
Yeah, but they're 30 and almost 24.
Awesome.
So my mom has my older sister who's three years older than me and then I have a 15 yearage gap from my baby sister and 16 year age gap from my brother.
(44:49):
And he's the first boy born in our family in 41 years.
Wow.
Yeah.
So she started over, but I'm still, I still had that middle child flavor.
I guess we just knew.
So her and I still butt heads, but it is, it's a conscious decision, you know, and there'sno shame if you go the other way.
(45:12):
If you just go, can't, I need to just be separate.
That's okay too, you know.
How's your daughter's dad?
You guys good?
No, I'd say we're more in the just we figured out what's worked for us.
(45:34):
Yeah, he's he's got a fiance and I think she's wonderful.
My daughter loves her.
So that is like a blessing.
Yeah, yeah.
For me, it's like, I noticed the difference when he's in a relationship and not.
And this one feels authentic, because it's not the first one that you know, since we'vebeen separated for five years or so or six years or so.
(46:00):
So this one feels real.
and I'm happy for them because I want my daughter to have that example.
And it's not on my agenda.
I mean, I'm not saying I won't have love.
I'm I'm not exiling it, but it's not on my agenda.
Yeah, yeah, you're like, I'm working on me.
Yeah, so it's good that she gets that example.
(46:22):
And yeah, you know, we we switch days if there's something going on on his side and youknow, it's it's it works for us.
You know, we're not best friends, but you don't have to be sometimes.
Just to be civil and just respect each other, I think is huge.
Right.
I agree.
You know, we don't all have to be, you know, these blended families and yeah.
(46:46):
I don't know how often that really works, but people say it does.
Not for me.
I'm an astrology girlie.
I'm a cancer.
I need my space.
Okay?
If I'm done with you, I'm done.
Right, right.
Move along.
Yeah, we're good.
We had our time.
(47:06):
So what do you have going on now?
So what's in the plan?
Right now I have, I've started my own business in November.
It was really to just free up my mind, to be more creative.
So I had to take a step back from being a personal assistant, executive assistant, becausethat basically takes all of my energy and soul.
(47:31):
So I started a cleaning business and, I love it.
It's my own schedule.
It's my own.
Everything.
Yes.
And my clients are incredible.
It was really just like, at first it was just so could pay my bills and like mentally healfrom everything.
And it just became my business.
(47:52):
So I'm doing that and I'm hoping to continue to grow it and not ready for it to end justyet.
But the trick worked.
My brain feels a little bit more active, my creative.
juices are flowing and so I'm stepping back into acting and trying to find my way in thetheater.
(48:13):
Really?
Yeah, yeah.
Thank you.
And part of me wanting to be more active on social media is to break through that barrierof being afraid of being seen.
And what better way to do that than just going and being your authentic.
So that's definitely a huge part of it.
(48:33):
Of course, I
I wanna make an impact and I don't wanna just be more noise, but they all connect and I'mjust trying to work on me and finding that groove that works for me.
Yeah.
Did when Jesse Lee did you experience being that she was a public figure?
(48:58):
Were there like a lot of haters and things like that?
I'm just so curious now that you're telling me so much about her, like how would shehandle that?
Nothing.
It was just yeah.
didn't acknowledge it.
No, actually, she is just the strongest person I've ever met.
(49:18):
I'm sure in some ways it affected her, but she would like watch it sometimes and she'dlaugh and laugh.
And she had like this roaring like cackle like she would just laugh and laugh.
And I was like, I watched it and I got angry and you're laughing.
Like, how are you so mentally strong?
Right.
(49:38):
Right.
Most the time, you know, she knew it existed.
Every now and then she'd watch this or that and most of the time she'd just laugh or she'dbe like, I don't know how they have that much time because I don't have any room.
I'd like, do I have room on my schedule to blah, blah, And I'm like, no, you really don'tbecause you're booked, you don't have time to respond.
(50:03):
She handled it very well with Grace.
And I think at the end of the day, it's just the way you view it.
So any press is good press or, it's just more, and it worked in her favor a lot of thetimes, which is kind of funny because when people are trying to hate on you, they're
(50:26):
trying to bring you down.
And a lot of times it would backfire.
Like she did this podcast with her partner and the haters were like getting everyone towatch it, I guess.
her pot, the, the, woman's podcast that she did.
that episode ranked number two in the country.
it, I'm like, this is backfiring.
(50:50):
yeah, yeah, she handled it really well.
And, that's something that I, I, I'm still learning to do is to be seen and not be afraidof who's going to judge me.
And that's a big
That's why I had that question because you know I think of like even my grandson in thedance world he like is ridiculously amazing like in two years like one national dance
(51:17):
honor national what was it mini national honor dancer last year in Las Vegas like and allthe things and I mean he has social media not that he does that we do but some of the hate
that even he gets he's 10.
the hate that he gets sometimes.
mean, now mind you, it's probably 90 percent.
(51:39):
He's everything amazing and then some.
then, you know, your little 10 percent of like shitheads.
Right.
it just made me think of that.
If you took anything from her with that, because you said you were wanting to get backinto theater and, know, do things like that.
And I think it's tough.
It, I think so too.
And I think the, kind of transmute it into, if I wasn't meant to do something, there wouldbe no resistance.
(52:09):
There would be no like voices in the background or, you know, people jealous or whateverword they want to use, NBA, whatever.
I would think that it would just, you know, it wouldn't feel.
Authenticity makes ugly people really angry.
and uncomfortable.
(52:31):
And I think that if I'm in a room where there's none of that, I'm either like on myhighest vibration, they can't reach me or like, you know, it's just.
Like shit, am I not making an impression at all?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I think it's just part of like, you know, okay, this side of this world, it exists.
(52:52):
So if I want this, I have to have both.
And I have to figure out how to have them both.
And to me, the, the, the, the, end of the, that road is worth having both because it'swhere my, you know, I, I'm, don't know where my life is going to lead in,
(53:13):
theater and acting and performing, but I know how I feel and it's worth it.
Right, no, no.
It's amazing and you're beautiful and now you've had all these experiences already.
You need to make sure you're out there talking about it.
Yeah, and just spreading her message, I promised her I would, I said, I thank you forsharing your magic with me and I'll spread it everywhere I go.
(53:42):
So I'm trying to spread the magic and trying to share it.
Well, you are, are.
God, I could ask you like 5,000 different questions about her.
And now I'm like intrigued.
I'm like, all right, when we're done, I have to definitely look her up and read about herand just.
She's left her mark, that's for sure.
(54:04):
You have to go on TikTok and see her last TikTok.
It'll make you cry.
But her last TikTok she shared, she did like a montage of goodbyes, not knowing.
And it's honestly, it's really beautiful because it's just her.
(54:27):
It's just her being silly and yeah, it's
that your favorite thing that she left as far as like a video or anything?
Because I can have Kenna, maybe we can get Kenna to put it at the end of this, like inmemory.
you should.
It's, yeah, it's beautiful.
(54:47):
It's really, it's very silly.
It's just her signing off and it was her last TikTok ever.
And she had no idea.
Nope, none of us did.
Yeah, it's it's beautiful.
And I think that that's perfect because it's really just a testament just yourself.
Try to feel a little joy and the rest is going to fall the way it's supposed to fall.
(55:11):
it's supposed to.
I think that's the best way to leave this.
Yeah, this was amazing.
Thank you so much.
It was so amazing.
mean, we have to definitely have you back on down the road to just to see where you're at.
I think you're to do big things.
Thank you.
I think so too.
Yeah.
Yeah, and you and you always have her with you.
(55:33):
You know, you always have that you'll always have that little voice telling you.
Oh yeah, I mean she wakes me up sometimes because I'm you know in my self doubt and allthe darkness is consuming me and then she's like, what are you on about?
Right?
You know, like and that's how she would speak to me.
She'd be like, why are you worried right now?
(55:56):
And I'd be like, I don't know.
And then she'd be like, okay, so stop.
And then we'd figure it out.
And you know, I have to figure it out myself now.
But
I do, hear her voice.
I still hear her voice.
Like if I'm thinking of her or I feel like she's saying something to me, it sounds likeher.
And I feel like that's just because she's that powerful.
(56:20):
I mean, that's what we could all hope for, that we leave something like that behind.
So that's amazing.
Yeah, I needed her.
I really did.
I was not myself for almost a decade.
Yeah.
And now here you are.
Here I am, sorry everybody else.
There was a lot of people who were probably really happy when I was in my dark ages.
(56:48):
Well, they can just keep on hating, girl.
Let them hate.
Yeah.
Seriously.
You're awesome.
You're awesome.
Just keep going.
Keep going.
Keep doing it.
Thank you.
You too.
Thank you.
Thank you.
I can't wait to see all that you do and grow.
too.
Never know.
(57:08):
Every day is different, right?
Exactly.
I never set limitations.
Some people are like, so what do want to do once you do that?
I'm like, I don't know.
I'll come up with 15 different things by then.
I don't know.
Exactly.
Alright honey, well I appreciate you and I know there's a lot of people that will takesomething from this.
(57:29):
I hope so.
Thank you so much.
Thanks for coming.
Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you too.
Hello, how are you?
It's Jessi Lee and welcome to this episode of Jessi Lee Heals Holistically from stage fourcolorectal cancer.
I'm your host, crazy cool Jessi Lee.
Okay, so in all seriousness, I only picked this person's comment because they are sayingsomething about the results or whatever.
(57:50):
So I have no idea what they're talking about about biopsy.
I've had, there's nothing to biopsy.
So hello.
I am coming to you live from California and I just wanted to tell you my doctor calledafter eight days today to give me my PET scan results.
And if you've been following along, you might've noticed that maybe I'm not posting asfrequently.
(58:12):
A large portion of that is that I'm in pain.
I've been talking a lot about it in my Instagram stories and I think I've talked about iton some TikToks here, but my stomach hurts here.
I feel super distended.
My kidneys, they feel fine right now.
I took Tylenol about two hours ago.
But they hurt.
When I sleep, I don't really sleep.
I flop and I flip like a fish all night long.
(58:34):
I'm getting like three and a half hours of sleep, which is not good for recovery.
So I'm freaking out.
I don't have my dogs in California, which is a crime.
And I just, anytime I travel, I feel so out of tune.
You know what I mean?
Like I'm so used to having my juicer in my regimen and my.
clinics I go to and whatever and I'm here in California for treatment I'm not likepartying but I feel like I don't have everything that I need even though I have everything
(58:59):
I technically need.
Make sense?
So anywho this is week two of treatment out here straight which means not my dogs whichdepresses me but my doctor finally called today after my PET scan last Monday today is
Tuesday September 5th 2023 if you're watching this and and I think part of me is still inshock so
(59:19):
I don't know if that's like normal for cancer people's.
You guys will have to tell me in the comments, but like I'm gonna cry again.
can feel it I've cried like on and off about it.
But like even when I was on the actual film with the oncologist and I have visualized thisto be something where like anytime I get good news, like burst out in tears and it didn't
(59:42):
happen.
But I will update you.
So I got really good news today, everybody.
So my doctor called me and he said that many of my lymph nodes have gone back to theiroriginal size with no evidence of disease in them.
The ones that still remain have decreased in size.
There is no mass on my right ovary anymore.
(01:00:04):
That is literally gone, so praise God.
And he says, just schedule another PET scan in about six months.
I'll see you then.
If you don't know and you're new to this channel, I was told now that I have less than 30days left to live.
(01:00:25):
And I was just told by my traditional oncologist at Texas Oncology who reads my scans andorders my scans for me.
I don't know, see you in six months.
Like I'm in shock, I should be balling again for the 15th time right now.
(01:00:46):
Wow.
So all of this is working.
All this holistic stuff is working.
I do look healthier.
I thought I looked healthier, but now it's confirmed.
I do notice my hair growth is crazy.
My nails have grown a lot.
I just think I was so scared because I was in so much pain.
So cancer die off is a real thing that no one really talks about.
(01:01:08):
When the cancer cells die, they get angry apparently.
So I'm experiencing some anger in my stomach and back regions.
but that's about it my cancer free friends.
So i'm not yet at no evidence of disease That is obviously the goal, but this is a hugeMilestone big mile marker.
I feel like i'm rubbing lymph nodes by the way from what i'm doing.
(01:01:31):
I just it's just one of the first days.
I feel like I can breathe in a really long time and So that's my update you guys like mynon-toxic not polish.
Isn't so cute.
Just don't send it to me.
It's from senegens
Alright, I love you guys.
Bye.
Thanks for following.
Okay, toodle-loo kangaroo.
After a while, crocodile.
(01:01:51):
Catch you on the flip side.
Sayonara, suckas.
Shibiyak.
Gotta run, buttercup.
Bye.
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