All Episodes

March 21, 2025 69 mins

In part two of his powerful story, Trevor Beaman opens up about his journey through substance abuse, mental health struggles, and the impact of military life on his personal relationships. He reflects on the turning points that led him to seek help, asking for support within the military, and the realizations that came during deployments. Trevor also shares his transition to a new life in Key West and his path to healing through therapies like EMDR and ketamine treatment. This episode explores themes of healing, self-love, and the lasting effects of trauma on identity, parenting, and connection. It highlights the transformative power of therapy, the importance of community, and how sharing our stories can spark purpose, resilience, and generational change.

 

Trevor’s Links/Socials:

Trevor’s book, No One Else Can See Your Fire: https://a.co/d/5sgQN5R

https://trevorbeaman.com

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/trevor_a_beaman

 

 

Veteran PTSD Resources:

https://www.mentalhealth.va.gov/ptsd/next-step.asp

 

Combat Call Center: (877)WAR-VETS

 

PTSD Foundation of America -Veteran Line: (877)717-PTSD

https://ptsdusa.org

 

 

Mental Health/S.A Resources:

Suicide and Crisis Lifeline

988

 

National Sexual Assault Hotline

RAINN 800-656-4673

 

Sexual Assault Crisis Text Line

741741

https://www.crisistextline.org

 

SAMHSA’s National Helpline (mental health and/or substance use)

1-800-662-HELP (4357)

 

 

Beyond the Monsters Socials

https://www.instagram.com/beyondthemonsters/

https://linktr.ee/BeyondtheMonsters

 

*Disclaimer: The content shared on this podcast is for informational and entertainment purposes only. The discussions and experiences shared are based on our personal stories and opinions. This is not medical advice, and it should not be used as a substitute for professional medical guidance. Always consult with a qualified healthcare provider for any concerns or questions regarding your health.

Mark as Played
Transcript

Episode Transcript

Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Welcome back to Beyond the Monsters.
This is part two with Trevor Beaman.
trigger warning, sexual assault, abuse, suicidal ideation, drug use, violence, and otherexplicit content.

(00:28):
Part two.
Right, so we left off as in my master's program at Fort Bragg.
Drinking a lot more wine and writing a lot more and I find myself on this three days ofalcohol binge drinking and I find myself at the hospital trying to decide like where...

(00:58):
What choice am I going to make it this day?
And is it, is it to me to like go on this drop zones out where they all the paratroopersdrove out and somehow kill myself or walk into the ER and like ask for help.

(01:18):
And I remember being in my car and I was in my wife's Volkswagen Jetta.
And I was listening to all these like bluegrass, sad ass songs.
And it's like Mumford and Sons is playing like the cave.
And I'm just like, man, like this music has just got me down.

(01:43):
I'm vodka out of a bottle and I'm crying.
you know, like I can like, just like when I was 12, I can feel like my face, alleverything's.
wet so I'm just I can't stop crying because I'm thinking about what it was like to be akid and think about what it's like going to war.

(02:06):
My daughter is about a year old at this time.
Been married almost four years.
five years at this point.
And I don't feel any love for any of it.
I just have this sadness and deep anger in me that I just, I want it all to end.

(02:33):
I the pain in my body to end.
I don't see the value of living at this moment of being drunk, sad music.
And I just realized like I'm gonna try and give
give it a chance, give life like one more chance and see how it goes.

(02:58):
And so I walk into the hospital and as I've been crying, like my eyes are like bloodshot,everything's swollen.
And this little nurse, almost the size of like my mom, she just looks up at me and goes,you need some help, don't you?
And once again, it's like, yeah, if someone was there again.

(03:22):
And
They put an IV in me and gave me fluids and...
And once again this is like around Thanksgiving, October, November...
That.
Life was hard.
Hard enough I almost took my life.

(03:43):
And I was placed in a psych ward for three days and...
I talked about how much I drank and I talked about substance abuse, not so much shootingup.
I really talk about that.
I didn't open that up too much to be that vulnerable at that moment.

(04:09):
and talking to psychologists and everything about my life, like we've done today.
And this young lieutenant, right out of college goes.
I think you can fix all your problems by just quitting drinking.

(04:33):
So I don't think it's alcohol.
Yeah, it just been like...
get sober and everything will get better.
Marshall shows up.
Who's my commander?
And I tell him, Marshall, this is what's going on.
Now you guys are very close.

(04:55):
Right?
kind of.
We kind of are like work friends, but not close.
I'm not hanging out with him on the weekend.
We don't play golf or drinks together.
It's not that kind of way, he had been through some really hard stuff as a detachmentcommander.
And he was a black kid from Georgia, I believe, that went to West Point and he didn't fitin there.

(05:19):
And that's kind of like how I think he fed in.
made it into SF.
Kind of the outsider.
Beautiful person then.
I tell him like, is what's going on and this is what I've been through, Marshall, and hegoes, listen, Trevor's gonna come home with me.

(05:42):
And we need to get him help with all this shit as a kid in the war.
And I don't hear him talk to him again about alcohol.
Yeah, and then I left the hospital that day.
And I started doing all of the weekly meetings and I just kind of like did all of theprotocols to like not be deemed as non-deployable.

(06:12):
So because I had a suicidal ideation event, the army and it's absolutely is okay withtheir decision.
to say like, hey, I don't think you should go anywhere for a year.
And that you shouldn't fire guns.
shouldn't jump out of airplanes.
Like at the time I was really pissed because I, in my heart, I'm like, I'm going to go gethelp.

(06:40):
This like everyone's telling me to go get help and there'll be no consequences.
There is.
And it's to cover their ass.
and it's valid and it's real and it's okay.
Don't be upset about that.
Do you think that that's why a lot of people don't ask for help in the military?

(07:07):
Because of the consequences?
I just...
guys want to keep doing their same job in the army.
It doesn't mean the army wants to get rid of you.
That's it.
I want to keep doing this specific job in this specific room that goes to go to specificcountries to do an exceptional job.

(07:31):
I want to keep doing that.
I don't want to go to managing or training.
Right.
Okay.
which takes a little bit more time to engulf and understand inside me.
But what I get is, is that I have to show the boys that you can ask for help and go back.

(07:58):
So even though I wasn't serving me at any point at this moment, I'm doing it for everyoneelse.
kind of goes into like, I'm going to go say something for other people.
I'm going to go fight for other people.
Right.

(08:19):
I'm still not at the point where I'm fighting for myself yet.
And I do it.
go back to group after finishing my master's degree.
And because I did that, they asked me to go to Africa on this a single.

(08:39):
person deployment to work with the French special forces in this small country calledBurkina Faso.
It doesn't really matter for the story, but I had to get a waiver from my commander to gobecause I was still within that 12 month period.

(09:02):
And because I was doing all the behavioral health, mental health meetings,
and I was showing progression from that event of wanting to take my life, that I showedthe...
They used to talk psychiatrist, the guy basically who oversees like approvals for thesewaivers is that like you have done the work.

(09:33):
I can see that you are getting better.
We will approve you to go deploy.
So you showed progression and you're doing better.
up for yourself or for the army or for your team and there's data to prove it, we'll letyou go again." And so I was able to go.
My son, Benjamin, was born in August and I leave in October.

(10:01):
Wonderful.
Right before I leave it's of course October, right?
Again.
In North Carolina, there's these festivals and farms have corn mazes and things of such.
And I'm on this big trampoline.

(10:25):
That's like, what do call it?
a...
a pad that you can like jump on on these farms kind of thing like an air mattress.
It's not but it's not that it's like it's just like a plastic piece of whatever.
I'm bouncing on this thing with my daughter up and down right and I see her hair likeflying and I'm like this is great.

(10:49):
I see my wife over there and she's holding our son and this is awesome.
But then I like double bounce around this thing and she flies in the air and she lands onher leg.
and I just see her face turn red and then I hear the screaming.
I look at my wife and I kind of like look away real fast and she's like, you just brokeher leg, didn't you?

(11:11):
Like, no, she's gonna be fine.
So the next day I take her to the hospital and she has a broken leg.
A week later I leave.
So I left my wife with a two year old with a broken leg and a two month old.
And so I go there and it's a quick deployment but there's something that happens therethat I realized that it's time to make a change in life.

(11:43):
We get a mission to go find one of the high value targets in Mali and I'm watching thevideo of this insurgent terrorist shooting at our French helicopter.
And all I see is like this explosion.

(12:06):
And I thought he had like a suicide vest on.
But really it was one of the grenades from the helicopter hit him in his face and blew hisface off.
And I'm I'm watching this and thinking about my kids.
And I was like, I can't, I'm not in the, I'm just not in the business of killing peopleanymore.

(12:32):
Like, I can't do this.
I was like, I was in the hospital, I got better.
And I can't do it.
I gotta find something else.
And.
Luckily, I, not luckily, but I got hurt.
hurt my back working out and I got sent home early.

(12:53):
As soon as I got home, I talked to the commander and the SIR major and I was like, I wantto go to SWCC, which is the training school, that the pipeline for the green brace to go
through.
And I said, I want to go to Key West and be a dive instructor.
like, I'm gonna like, I'm going to do whatever I can to get there.

(13:16):
And so I got home in January and in July we had moved our family to Key West.
You know, life has a way of changing on you.
You live in a new place, you kind of see the world a little different because when I wasgone in Africa, I didn't realize how much like my wife was doing.

(13:42):
She'd quit her job, she was home alone, we didn't have any family around.
And this woman just never...
spoke about how hard it was and how it was to manage the kids and never said a damn thing.
She was just proud that she had a husband that was alive and that was doing somethingawesome.

(14:06):
And she was just happy I was around.
But I wasn't fully like understanding of what she was going through.
Right.
I didn't have the empathy of, or the realization of it.
So I moved to Key West and...

(14:29):
it's a lot of work to work down there.
There's it's understaffed a lot of hours.
This school is the, you know, special forces dive school is very, very intensive six weekschool.
In a party town where guys get to go drink on the weekends and have fun.
And, you know, I kind of got into that on the weekends and drinking a lot more than I was.

(14:55):
And then.
going out fishing and stuff on the weekends and that kind of...
I kind of fell into this old routine of just getting by and just the day to day and justliving.

(15:15):
And then I meet my friend Curtis Kellum while I'm there.
My wife goes to the CrossFit gym and she's working out and she makes all these friends.
so because she makes friends, I have friends, which is really nice.
Uh, thankful for her for that because I don't have anybody in my life that I didn't haveher.

(15:38):
She seems to make my friends for me.
Kind of happens.
Um, but so we, I start to see that each of us need to have a hour of a day to like fillour cups up so that we can.
continue just living a good life.
And so she does CrossFit and I start spearfishing while I'm down there and I love it.

(16:05):
I probably spend at least an hour a day in the ocean swimming and finning and catchingfish.
And it's nice because it's like I'm providing food for my family and exercise.
And there's a thing that's happening that I don't realize at the moment.
that I'm there, that's really critical.

(16:27):
But at the same time, I'm still like drinking a lot and I'm using it to manage all thestress of my life and what I've been through in the past.
And it's just, it's not, it's not the best coping mechanism, but it's a mechanism to usewhen you don't have anything else.

(16:47):
But I start to realize when I'm spearfishing, like,
When I'm holding my breath and diving under to the reef and looking and hunting for fish,I can't think about anything else.
I'm totally present in that moment right there.
There's no past.
There's no future.

(17:08):
It's right now.
Mm-hmm.
And it took me about two years of spearfishing to see this like, accidental mindfulnesswas happening.
My wife was getting this doing CrossFit and I was getting it by holding my breath underthe ocean.

(17:31):
But for some reason, life has a way of reintroducing itself to you.
Because for me, the biggest impact of who I am is feedback from my wife.

(17:54):
And what I heard her say is that
you're not needed in this family.
Is she always brutally honest with you?
Yeah.
But it wasn't that.
It's more of like, I think I can expect more out of you in this family.

(18:15):
And not in a, we can, let's start building this team together.
and all I heard is that you're not good enough.
That's not what she said though, but that's all I felt.

(18:37):
And she went upstairs to put the kids to bed.
And I wrote a note and said, tell the kids I love them.
And I left.
took my skateboard and I went downtown and I was going to drink myself to death and gointo the ocean and never come home.
And so this is like in the spring this time though of 2019.

(19:02):
What were you thinking when you left?
Like, now you know what she said and that she didn't mean it that way, but do you rememberwhy was that in your head?
I just felt like I would never be a good enough father because before we had gottenmarried and stuff, was like, I don't think I want kids.

(19:24):
I don't think that like I'm afraid of it.
In so many ways, like, like, I don't know if I trust myself.
I don't know.
Like, I don't know if someone did something to my kid.
Like if I fucking kill him, like I don't want that to ever think about that.
And she's just like.
continued on like you are going to be the best father ever.

(19:47):
But was like, no one showed me how to be a dad.
ever.
So what the fuck?
don't like, I don't...
Well, it's not like you had a role model, you know, or just...
I'm like, don't, I wasn't shown that and I don't know what to do with kids.
like, I don't know if I would like, I don't know.
And she's like, you are an amazing person.

(20:10):
And I think that this would be really good for you.
Okay.
Fine.
Not like that.
I conceded to you, convinced me that yes, that is true about who I am.
And so she's.
She's the one thing that when I feel as if like she's judging me or telling me something,like it's the one thing that like cuts through me.

(20:38):
Out of everything that I have have gone through my life, that's the thing, the one that Ijust can't bear.
And she knows that.
And she tends not to say things in the past, not so much now, but in the past where shewas like, I'm not going to tell him this because he's just, he might not come home.

(20:59):
And so now she lives with a guy that she can't be fully open with about how she feelsabout anything because she's afraid that it's going to like, something's going to happen
to me where I'm just going to like hear it as like, you don't belong here.
You don't deserve to live.
Get out of our house.
There's none of that ever happening.
She's probably tiptoeing a lot.
now she's doing that all the time and it's just like, can't take it anymore.

(21:27):
and so the, I get hurt on a dive because I got a hole in my heart, whatever.
doesn't need to be too serious conversation there, but
Essentially they'd tell me that I have to go to rehab.
Because I have, because I told the doctor that I had this event that I was, because mywife's calling everyone, where the fuck is Trevor?

(21:55):
And so all the, like, we have friends that are police officers, friends that are at thedive school, all of them are in Key West trying to find me.
Like, come the fuck home, and I'm like, okay, like, I'm just, I'm tired of it all, man,I'm just, once again.
It's like three or four years later, like, want the same feelings are coming back.
The world is dark.
I'm drunk and I don't want to live.

(22:19):
And like it bring come back home and it's just so it gets reported that this happens.
So as a diver, you can't have like alcohol abuse disorder order on your record withouttreatment.
So I have to go to a treatment center because of this.
But then I get hurt on a dive and they find out I can't dive anymore.

(22:41):
And I was like, fuck that.
I'm not going to rehab.
I don't need to go because I can't dive anymore.
And the doc looks at me with this slide.
He's like, come the fuck on Trevor.
You got problems.
Go get help.
Fine.
Hands up.
You're right.

(23:01):
I'll go back.
I go to rehab.
14th of July 2019.
I'm there for about a week in this cover your ass army, Navy program that they sent methere for two weeks that was going to do like a total of like eight hours of training

(23:27):
about alcohol drugs.
And I'm like, I'm gonna be here that long and I'm gonna get that much hours of one-on-onetraining?
Like this is bullshit.
Pissed.
Like you took me away from my family for this?
No.
And I'm mad as...
mad as all.
And I don't get very upset or angry.

(23:48):
But I was like, I just started doing the math in my head.
was like, no, no, no.
This doesn't work.
I don't like this.
And then I'm just like, you took me away from my kids for this?
And then I'm mad.
And now I'm sober.
And I have free time.
I'm a driver on Jacksonville, Florida in my car.
And all of a sudden I start to feel exactly how I feel and have felt when I was 12 again.

(24:16):
And I was like, out of nowhere, sober.
This is the sober.
This is the main point here.
Because usually since I was 12, it happened because I was drinking.
And I hadn't had anything to drink.
And it was more powerful this time than just like it was when I was 12.

(24:37):
I was like, I'm in so much pain.
I've been through so much stuff.
I just can't bear it.
My and the love that I had for my kids.
This life, my wife.
Was all gone.
I didn't feel it.
I was like, I'm going to drive my car into a tree as fast as I can without my seatbelt onand I'm going to kill myself.

(25:00):
I'm done.
with all this, don't this fucking life.
But I was like, once again, I'm like, it almost feels like a cry for help when all thesethings like trying to finally find the right answer.
It feels that way a lot.
I'm doing these things just to fucking help me help me help me right thing, right.

(25:24):
But it's in like four year like increments.
And
So I go to the counselor and I was like, listen, here's what's gonna have to happen today.
I was like, if you don't get me into the hospital right now, you're never gonna see meagain.
Can we do that?
It's like, all right.
And I got admitted into the hospital, another psych ward visit.

(25:49):
and water.
right?
So are you getting Baker acted?
Well, I mean, I guess you can, but it's self-baker.
It wasn't that it's so Baker act is like when someone else thinks you're going to harmyourself and you can't do anything about it.
was like, here.
So I got put in a safe place for a few days and while I'm there.

(26:12):
My friend Curtis kills himself.
and I'm on the phone with my wife and she's like, he shot himself, he's dead.
I'm like, fucking kidding me.
So I'm like, well, he knew I was safe.

(26:38):
Son of a bitch.
so a little bit there happens to fall into me about like one of us is going to have todie.
It's him or me.
They kind of justify what happened in my own like brain.

(27:03):
And so I'm in a psych ward, my second best friend just killed himself.
I'm all alone.
Like they take all of your, like, things and I'm just like, I got it.
I need something more than what's going on.
And so there's a doctor there that's like, Oh, I've seen all this stuff.

(27:24):
What's wrong with you?
They're like, we have a treatment center on the other side of Florida in Panama City Beachthat does all of this stuff.
in one place.
Do you want to go?
Yeah, let's go.
Fuck.
Why not?

(27:45):
so I get admitted into an inpatient program and I do all the cognitive behavioraltherapist stuff, therapy.
do mindfulness training.
do peaceful visualization stuff, but the biggest piece is EMDR.
do.
And this, you know, eye movement, desensitization stuff.

(28:09):
It's just, it's essentially, it's like,
You're going to talk about and write about all the things that you've ever been through inyour life.
And you're going to take, because they're become so vivid in your brain, they are going toput you in a sleepy trance S thing, REM eyes moving thing.

(28:33):
It's going to bounce back and forth.
And you're going to, for me, they're going to like, we're going to put these images on adrive-in movie theater.
You're going to watch it happen.
I'm gonna do what?
shit, what?
Yeah.
Now, I'm 39 years old and there's a lady in front of me asking me, tell me exactly whathappened to you on that bed.

(29:07):
And I did it three times a week for eight weeks.
One day.
I was able to get over.
And it's the same thing I told you.
We would change it from color to black and white to zooming in to zooming out, differentangles.

(29:32):
But the best part about all of the EMDR is the very last session I had.
She conjured up my, through talking and setting the stage for like me returning home.
I'm, I see like this beautiful white farm house with the huge grass.

(30:02):
You it's like flowing green grass and there's like a white fence that goes down the sideand.
There's four white rocking chairs there and three of them, and all right, my wife and mytwo kids are sitting and there's an empty chair there.
And I'm looking out into the field through their perspective, right?

(30:24):
And I'm like watching this on the screen in my brain while I'm like doing EMDR and there'slike a taxi coming down.
the gravel road and you can see the dust coming up in the background and it's not overlyfast but not super slow and I see myself come out of the taxi and I'm walking up to the

(30:49):
house.
And I look at them, and like, they're up higher, I'm lower because of the stairs, youknow, I get into the house and I look at them and I'm finally home.
and

(31:11):
What EMDR did with the trauma from the monster of that man is made that memories of thattime.
not so painful and sharp, that dulled it enough to live with.

(31:31):
So it didn't take over.
It made it so it just made it like going to prom in high school with your girlfriend.
Like you remember going, but it's not that big a deal.
It doesn't hurt.
Like, okay, like it's there.
I can picture it in my going there and dressing up in your tux and having the littleflower that's candid wrong and like, oh.

(31:58):
And it's, it feels like that now.
or then, right?
It gets better though.
And so that, but so there's so much time to heal from one event.
And so if you have 50 events, right?

(32:18):
That's a hundred weeks.
That's over, I mean, just shy of two years.
And that's what you did every day.
Right.
Nobody has the time or money to do that.
Like I'm also on all kinds of psych medications at the same time like losing my mind likethese of these These sessions like I have such migraines because I'm like using so much of

(32:46):
my brain and energy of my body that I have to make Finnegan shots it's like I have tosleep I end up sleeping for like 18 hours and I've realized like
because I wasn't sleeping as a kid.
I wasn't getting the rest for my brain to heal from these injuries.

(33:10):
And so was like, fine.
So what happened was, is I was watching this event happen to me, and then I would sleepand it would just slowly dissipate.
Every time I'd go through it, it was really vivid at the beginning.
I could almost feel like his body on me.
like when like semen on my face, I could feel it like coming like on me again, like goingthrough these sessions.

(33:37):
Like it's so powerful.
Like if you're going to go through EMDR, like do it at a safe facility.
Don't do it outpatient unless it's something that you can like, you don't feel a lot ofpain from because it's going to put you in a suicidal state.
Sure.
sure.
Because you're like reliving everything every day.

(33:57):
And it's, heavy and it's hard and you got to get sleep and you got to eat good food andyou got to, someone has to watch it.
And we did it.
um, and I did all of that yoga, all of this AA, I got into alcoholics, anonymous there,narcotics, anonymous.

(34:19):
I started to build those daily.
kind of like routines of getting help and those types of environments, which I broughthome with me was to go to these meetings.
And so at this point, when I leave the hospital, I get promoted to master sergeant whileI'm in rehab.

(34:44):
What?
So they're like, wait, you're telling me you have all these problems in your life, butwe're going to give you one of the best ranks as a green beret is the master sergeant.
I just saw that on SEAL Team last night.
Master Sergeant, they were talking about it.
And so that happened, so it's a big win.
And then I get a phone call from the Care Coalition.

(35:04):
Like, do you want to get out of the Army?
Like you have more enough stuff that like we can medically retire you and you're done.
I have a long conversation with my wife about this and she goes, you know, Trevor.
She's like, I think it means more to you to just retire normally.

(35:26):
Not like medically,
do your 20 years, not 16 and a half, do your 20 years.
She's like, I think that's what would be better for you.
I said, all right, this is like, I'm gonna have to tell them I'm never going back toanother ODA and I'm never gonna kill anybody again.
And if they're cool with that, then I figured the Army would be able to find a place forme.

(35:54):
Right.
Somewhere.
was like, I'll go anywhere.
I just got to put in four more years and I'll retire.
I'll do any job and wherever that is, I'll go.
That's what I will give to you if I'm going to say I'm not going to do something.
Then I'm at the needs of the army and I'm fine with that.
And so is my family.

(36:16):
And so we left Key West and I went back to Fort Bragg and I worked at this at SOCOM atBragg for two years.
so I was all the whole retrograde of Afghanistan saw that happen.
Not a big deal, but at that same time, I meet my friend, Jeff Dardio, who's a part of taskforce dagger, and he's really big into wellness and recovery.

(36:41):
And he does a lot of awesome things in this space.
And he mentions my name to this Dr.
Lipov guy out of Chicago.
who does the dual sympathetic ganglion block in your neck for fight or flight, sympatheticnervous system overload, right?

(37:03):
And he also does ketamine.
And so I go to Chicago.
I go back.
So I hadn't been back to Chicago since I was 18.
Mmm.
So go back to Chicago, I actually have to go to an amen clinic that's up in Northbrook,which is the neighborhood north of where I grew up.

(37:25):
And I actually have to drive by the trailer park and the church.
Were you worried about triggers?
Yeah, but this is before so I go up there to get my brain scan I'm just driving throughand I'm like man I Tell myself I if this is gonna be the end.

(37:49):
I have to say goodbye to all this stuff and so intentionally went by to say I'm done
completely done with all this in my life.
And so, and then that Monday morning I got my first infusion of ketamine and it was one ofthe most wonderful things I've ever had happen again.

(38:15):
Right?
So there's first off, right?
Setting up an IV to be put into my veins is exhilarating.
Again, to watch
medicine going through my veins like it had done before by myself.

(38:36):
I was like, yeah.
This goes back to the first time anyone ever touched me to the first time I ever stuck aneedle in my arm.
I'm like, this is going to be, I, I love it.
And I'm addicted to it.
Just the prick into my veins.
But then the ketamine

(38:58):
warms you up like my mom or my wife taking out this warm blanket out of the dryer on acold day, rainy day.
And she like wraps our kids up in it.
And I can just see how comfortable it is.
It's exactly the same feeling of like mom's taking care of me.

(39:24):
And it's great.
It's the same thing as what heroin does.
Mm-hmm.
opiates it makes that's the beginning like the first like Awesome So you you feel thiswarmth all over your body and then all the pain in your body goes away?
Your knees back elbows all of it pain is gone the same Drive to get high I want to takeaway all the pain

(39:58):
But as the ketamine gets into your body, it starts to elevate you as a person, right?
It starts to elevate you in your soul and your mind starts to almost feel like it's comingout of your body.
And then, so you feel out of place, right?
So your body feels catatonic in a way that you can't move around because it's all, becausethat's what the dissociative aspect of ketamine has in it.

(40:28):
And then if you close your eyes just a little bit, you start to wander into the Milky Way.
At for me.
So you're not like panicking at all because you don't have control or okay
And this is the total time is only like 45 minutes.

(40:51):
Okay.
And, but it feels a long way longer than that.
Like time slows down and you're just, it's all in your brain.
Or I didn't have a therapist.
didn't have anybody in the room room with me.
I was always all alone.
I'm grateful that I've been through years of therapy to be able to talk to myself throughthis and see the images in my mind and be able to navigate.

(41:17):
the horrors, the awesome back to horrors, like, are happening, like...
really fast.
you're getting like images like, and you're trying to process it all at once.
And then you get to this calmness of like, you know, I felt like I was in like a astronautsuit with a surfboard on a wave in the middle of space.

(41:45):
Okay.
Yeah.
But all of the text messages, emails, all the things of life went away.
I was the only human being on this earth.
But then it feels like...
all of the roots of all the trees are connected to you.

(42:09):
Every living life being there is intertwined into who you are.
And at that moment, I finally like look at myself and say, you're worth living and you'reworth loving.
And that's the moment where I recognize that

(42:32):
like my life is worth living for and that I got to take care of me for the first time.
And I was like, that's it.
I see it now.
I see that I'm capable of loving myself, which I didn't.
Yeah.
And.

(42:54):
It sucks that a drug had to do it.
And I hate that.
And I want my kids to feel loved without drugs.
Yeah, but they have a whole different upbringing.
Yeah, exactly.
they have you, a person who has lived it.

(43:17):
It's the generational change.
And to know I made the difference.
I made the change.
And it wasn't alone.
I had a lot of people that helped to get there.
But you had to be the one to make the choice to go, to go to these things, to try thesethings.

(43:43):
You went of.
And so I walked out of, I sobered up and was able to move again and I walked out of it andI was like, that is the most amazing thing that I've ever experienced.
healthiest, like, aha, this is what life's about.

(44:06):
and the next morning I woke up the first time since I was 12 and I was like 41 at thetime.
where the first time I didn't think about was murdering this man who touched me.
And I was like, I looked at myself in the mirror again and I said, I forgive you.

(44:30):
And that hymn, I forgive you, Trevor, for how much time you gave to this person.
Yeah.
And you don't have to do that anymore.
I felt finally, like I was finally destroyed the walls in my brain that I had built formyself to keep me in a prison and keep a monster in my brain that didn't need to live

(45:00):
there anymore.
I didn't need to feed it.
I said, you're gone.
You won't be in my life anymore.
And I had to say, like, I love you.
Thank you for this.
But it's time to move on.
And so then I got another infusion and as the days went by, it got less and less intenseand stuff.

(45:24):
But I did the dual sympathetic reset, ganglion block on my right side first and then myleft.
And what that allowed is like being way far hyper-arousal to kind of like reset.
All right.
And it allowed me to like take a real deep breath with tools of therapy to implement intomy life.

(45:54):
and it was, and that is, I think can go on for a lifetime, but the year by year I can, Ican feel like just the being a man, guess is there's.
testosterone in my body and I think it just naturally just you have this desire to be aprotector.

(46:17):
And I think that that reset kind of goes back somewhere in the middle where you because Ithink it pacifies you a bit for a little while.
Or you don't want to just be a fighter or anything like that.
just kind of just want to work on self and just be kind of peaceful, at least peacefulinside.
You needed that.
and then it kind of elevates back to where you should normally operate.

(46:41):
We left there and then we moved down to Dustin where we live now and this last little bit.
has been a really awesome time to say goodbye to the army.

(47:01):
To really grieve my career.
Because I didn't want to spend my retirement saying goodbye to a job that I was no longerin.
Mm-hmm.
Well, it was so much a part of your identity, you know, for so long.

(47:23):
So then this, this identity crisis happens, right?
That's a, that's a thing, right?
It's like a 40, like why do you have an, like what's going on?
It's, I think you've looked at your twenties and thirties and said like, you did thisawesome job, high performing job, whatever that is.

(47:44):
And then now you're going to move on to something different and you have to grieve thatlast portion of your life.
and then we're gonna go be something new.
I think that's fair and valid and I just don't want guys not to have the hope that theyneed to say goodbye to that.

(48:06):
For the transition and yeah, right
too many.
high intense moments through that 20 years just to be like,
Yeah, like is it hard to not have all those rushes and like, you know, and being intent,like you said, to go to normal life and your family?

(48:42):
you still want to chase that in a way?
Right.
It's like chasing everything though.
You wish you could go back to do some things there are the way that that feels iswonderful to be able to help people again, to fly in helicopters, to shoot at bad people.

(49:07):
Like I feel it's.
You can miss it.
or you can say goodbye to it.
and I'm not gonna miss it.
because there's other things to exhilarate you in life.

(49:27):
You just gotta be willing.
You have to be open to it.
Maybe you gotta become a part of something else.
Maybe you haven't opened your heart to humanity yet.
Maybe you need to write a book.

(49:47):
So here, I'll tell you, write a book, right?
Write it is...
If you're gonna write a book, write it for other people.
Don't write a book for yourself.
This wasn't therapy for me, this was so that other people don't feel alone in their life.

(50:10):
So that, cause I didn't have anyone as a kid, so I could be like, who's gone throughsomething like me that is a high achieving person that has become
wonderful and is open and honest and real about all the real deep feelings about...

(50:35):
It felt really good to be abused.
Like, I wanted it to happen.
But I was 10.
and it was the only attention you were getting.
Yeah.
And as a child, I thrive on being seen.

(50:57):
And for just so long, just...
do, right?
Everybody wants to be seen.
Yeah, I mean, it's like you're playing football in seventh grade and you make an awesomeplay and recover the fumble to win the game and you look over to the sideline and your

(51:17):
dad's not there.
Like how many times I got to keep looking at the sideline, he's never there before I stop.
And that's kind of like what happened is that.
My family just stopped being there for me.
But other people were.

(51:38):
And it's, feels really good to be a part of a community that care about who you are.
And that's from, you know, going to concerts, it's going to the CrossFit gym, it's goingto the beach.
And for some people, maybe it's going to church.

(52:00):
Right.
But you gotta surround yourself with people.
You gotta go find something you're bad at to be good at again.
Learn something new.
If you need a place to talk, like there's AA meetings and...

(52:23):
They're everywhere, everywhere.
If you can't afford therapy, that's a good start.
Just go and be around people that want to change their lives.
Learn how to your story.
And a lot of people, know, they're afraid to tell their story in AANA, you know, you canjust listen.
Yeah.

(52:44):
They can start by listening.
best piece of advice I have about you thinking that anybody cares about your story is thatthey don't.
Because most people just want to care about themselves, which is really important.
You must care about yourself.
But people want to like if you've been I don't know how long we've been talking for.

(53:04):
I've been talking for a while.
And so if you can do that, if you can finally get to a place where I'm going to tell somestranger, like.
One advice my mother gave me that I hold dear deeply in my heart.
goes, Trevor, she's like, you're never going to get over this abuse until you can walk upto any person on the street and tell them exactly what you went through.

(53:33):
And I think there was a lot of truth in that.
It's that stop being afraid to talk about your life.
Being afraid to talk about the things that hurt you.
You know, like if you hurt someone else's feelings, that's not your fault.
You don't have to take ownership of that.
They do.

(53:53):
Find places and people that support you.
Have a genuine friend that will listen to everything that you do.
No judgment.
Like that's just having a social worker to talk to.
There are easy ways to get help that is little to no cost.

(54:14):
Even with people telling their stories and podcasts these days there's so many You knowpeople telling their stories and You're gonna relate somehow to someone's story
The podcast phenomenon to me is in a time of the world where men are taking a step back abit.

(54:40):
Just come around the fire with each other.
No matter what the subject is that men are talking.
And I feel like women are getting to have their time right now to shine.
looks good and it feels good in both aspects.

(55:01):
It's like women can do dude stuff, right?
And maybe we as guys need to sit around and gossip a little.
And also, but the most important part is like, let's listen.

(55:21):
Let's feel what these guys are saying.
Because there's
There's a lot of power in it, and it's cool.
And so, you know, my son, Benjamin's eight and Eleanor's 10.
My wife is wonderful and she's put up with a guy that has had a hell of a past, but wedecided together as a team that we're gonna raise a family together, no matter what, and

(55:55):
that we wanna share these hardships with our kids.
Mm-hmm.
and about where and not to be touched and get actions.
And like we don't in my household, we don't keep secrets.
Because that word is something that can be misconstrued and things like that.

(56:22):
So we just really just have surprises for each other and just have adult conversationswith little ones.
Right.
think they're they're old enough and if you do a good job explaining things like there's alot you can talk about to protect them.
It's way better they learn from you than somebody else.

(56:42):
And so it's, don't be afraid to talk to them and...
don't know, life's pretty cool.
You did mention something I don't think we've talked about yet, that the waterbed comesback around.

(57:03):
Do you still want to touch on that?
So this is how, this is how having your own children after being abused affects you andhow trauma comes back to haunt you no matter what you do.

(57:24):
And I tell you, I'm gonna tell you this for a reason is that like,
No matter how much work you put in, it's always going to come back.
potentially every day.
The first time I was abused was when I was sleeping in my parents' bed.

(57:50):
And so every single night that I put either my daughter or my son to bed.
think about.
What?
was my stepfather thinking the very first time he touched my body.

(58:13):
And why did you do that?
This innocent heartbeat of a child.
that loves you and is trusting you to protect him.

(58:35):
that you took advantage of them for your own pleasure.
Every single day I lay down with my son.
I'd say, how could you do this to me?
And there's nothing I can do.

(58:58):
as it made you extremely overprotective.
No, not like I don't like you can't go into other people's houses or you can't havesleepovers or anything like that.
just there's a conversation before they leave about you're going to go here.
There's other adults there like we don't let other people touch us in any way, form.

(59:21):
There's like you have your private, you know, and.
you feel uncomfortable, you can always come home.
There's all this conversation all the time.
See, you're farther along than me.
Even my grandchild, you are not spending the night anywhere.
People can come to our house, like my poor girls, what, they're 30 and 23.

(59:47):
No, never.
I will say it's much easier for me to have girls sleep over at our house than boys.
Like I don't, like I had a, for really long time it was, it's not like I couldn't give mykids baths.
Mm-hmm.
But I was uncomfortable.

(01:00:09):
And it's just me inside me.
I'm like, this in the same thing with like, there's kids that spend like, was like, Sean,like, I'm never going upstairs.
When the kids are here, like, I just I can't.
I it's just, I don't know.
And I don't.
I've never had anyone ever been like, this has happened to you.

(01:00:29):
I think you're going to do this to my child.
Like all of those kind of just like, right thoughts.
All of this that we've talked about, I've never had a person in my life been like, you'regay, you deserve it, that,

(01:00:51):
know this you're lesser of a man none of these things have ever happened to me ever
I always worried more, like even if I knew the parents, now if I know the parents well, Ialways worried more about other friends who are staying, brothers, sisters, or uncles, or
you know, but that's my whole thing.

(01:01:14):
Yeah, and then there's...
I don't have anything like that.
Yeah.
Thankfully.
But as I've got to this point, I've, you know, I published this book in July of last yearand it's kind of a at your own pace kind of thing.

(01:01:43):
can promote it if I feel like it.
I can push the gas on it whenever I feel like it's not a necessity for my life to live.
right?
It's almost like a nonprofit.
the book that I wish I could just give to everybody.
And so, I mean, I, I feel like I, I ended up reading Victor Frankl's book, Man's Searchfor Meaning.

(01:02:14):
And I really wanted to write it, this book, like his, as like, I'm going to, I'm going tobe like a guide, like a
a cool friend that has like his armor on you to like show you like I'm going to show yousome of my life and put some thoughts in to you about what it felt like to to live this

(01:02:36):
life so that when you've come across struggles that are similar to me that you have asense you're not alone and there's a friend with you and that's this you know
Victor Frankl's books to me is, my interpretation is like, if you continuously live in thepast, you'll die.

(01:03:03):
If you look to the future, you'll thrive.
And that's a tough one.
It's hard not to live in the past or not to go back.
Because in that book, he's watching all these people in a concentration camp wanting to beback in their lives that they used to have.

(01:03:24):
And that's all they dream about is what they used to be, rather than dreaming about whatthey could be.
And that's what you gotta do.
How'd you come up with this name?
No one else can see your fire.
Where'd that come from?
So there's like it's a metaphor of things and really it's up to you to kind of decipherwhat that means but to me it's like if you were to make a fire There's different things

(01:03:52):
different elements that you can add to the fire to either smolder it or to make it a blazeand It's all in you like it's almost like faith
your mind.
Like, I can't see who you are as a person.

(01:04:14):
And it's up to you to show the rest of the world it.
Like, you got to do it.
If there's something in you that you want other people to know, you got to tell them.
You got to show it off.
Yeah, you got to light it on fire.
That's awesome.
And it's just the flames though, aren't always burning hot.

(01:04:37):
Mm-hmm.
Sometimes it's just a little thing underneath all of the wood that nobody can see andsometimes that's really hard and dark down there But hey, you got a friend that come help
you out They can add a little bit of fuel into your fire I love that Mike Usually it takesmore than one person to light a fire

(01:05:02):
sure.
And it's the same thing with recovery, like, you gotta get help from others.
Absolutely.
Is this on Amazon too?
We'll make sure that.
Thank you.
Love it.
got to like.
I need mine signed.

(01:05:25):
all right.
I guess we're going to close this out.
Part two.
I show Mr.
Trevor.
Why don't you tell everybody where you can get your book and where they can find you?
Thanks for having me.
Loved it.
Sweet.
What you're doing here is impactful and powerful.
All the things you can find me is this trevorbeeman.com, on Instagram on trevorabeeman.

(01:05:47):
It's a lot of just my life living there.
It's just whatever random things that I have that I want to share with the world.
And then my book, No One Else Can See Your Fires on Amazon.
It's pretty simple to find.
It's a hard copy that you have which is really nicely done.

(01:06:08):
Actually, it's a beautiful cover.
And, and there's also a digital copy and it's off cover.
yeah.
And we'll also put all the same links.
I mean, there's it's all the same stuff like on like, I a YouTube channel, but I don'tactively do it because as all this stuff, you know, grows up, takes time and effort and

(01:06:29):
it's, it's work.
Right.
And I really hope that your story, you know, touches a lot of the other, you know,military guys, men or women.
mean, it's.
did you want to do on this stuff?
What actually really happened?
With?

(01:06:50):
I'll give, so why did I want to like come out?
I was more aggressively, I wasn't in the past.
Well, when I was in rehab, after telling stories like we've told today, there was twogentlemen there.
One was like 65 who had been spent time in the Navy and another gentleman was about toretire from the Air Force.

(01:07:13):
And one day their therapist brought them in individually.
Like, Charlie, these guys want to talk to you.
I'm like, OK, well, And the guy in the army was like, I was raped as a kid.
And I've never told anybody in my life.
And because of you and your story, I don't live in that prison anymore.

(01:07:35):
I'm like.
Even if it was just that one person, you know what I mean?
The guy in the Navy who's 65 black man He's like on my very first ship my very firstnight.
I was raped by a man And I've held that For 45 years Thank you, I'm like, okay.

(01:08:05):
All right
So powerful.
I'm like, I think that's enough for me to tell me that like.
Your story matters.
There's value in Yes.
the way you see the world, the way you see yourself, the way you see other humans.

(01:08:28):
that you can change the world.
That's kind of cool.
Super cool.
It's the whole point in this podcast too, just exactly what you just said.
I'm not letting you make me cry anymore.
I know, I know.
All right, I guess we'll wrap this up and we'll just, well maybe we'll have a part threeeventually.
Advertise With Us

Popular Podcasts

Bookmarked by Reese's Book Club

Bookmarked by Reese's Book Club

Welcome to Bookmarked by Reese’s Book Club — the podcast where great stories, bold women, and irresistible conversations collide! Hosted by award-winning journalist Danielle Robay, each week new episodes balance thoughtful literary insight with the fervor of buzzy book trends, pop culture and more. Bookmarked brings together celebrities, tastemakers, influencers and authors from Reese's Book Club and beyond to share stories that transcend the page. Pull up a chair. You’re not just listening — you’re part of the conversation.

On Purpose with Jay Shetty

On Purpose with Jay Shetty

I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!

Dateline NBC

Dateline NBC

Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com

Music, radio and podcasts, all free. Listen online or download the iHeart App.

Connect

© 2025 iHeartMedia, Inc.