Healing After Multiple Open-Heart Surgeries and a Lifetime of Trauma

Misti Blu Day shares her powerful story of surviving both childhood trauma and life-threatening health battles. Growing up in a home marked by abuse, alcoholism, and trauma bonds, she learned early on what it meant to live in survival mode. Later in life, she faced congenital heart issues, dangerous arrhythmias, and multiple open-heart surgeries — first in 2011, again seven years later, and most recently just three years ago. She also lives with Ehlers–Danlos Syndrome (EDS), a connective tissue disorder, and Wolff–Parkinson–White Syndrome (WPW), a rare heart condition that causes abnormal rhythms.

 

Her journey highlights the connection between trauma, chronic illness, and the fight to reclaim life after repeated medical emergencies. From navigating grief and gaslighting to waking up after open-heart surgery with a second chance, Misti’s story is one of raw honesty, resilience, and hope.

 

This episode dives into themes of childhood abuse, trauma recovery, resilience, congenital heart disease, open-heart surgery, healing after medical trauma, PTSD, abuse survival, and overcoming adversity.

 

Misti’s Socials and Links

https://www.instagram.com/mistibluday

https://mistibludream.com/

 

Books:

Botanical Rebellion: Apothecary Guide to Nature's Alchemy

https://a.co/d/7kyZwn3

 

Garden of Blu

https://a.co/d/5EUPCAZ

 

Botanical Rebellion Podcast

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/botanical-rebellion/id1802984202

 

 

Beyond the Monsters Socials

https://www.instagram.com/beyondthemonsters/

https://linktr.ee/BeyondtheMonsters

 

*Disclaimer: The content shared on this podcast is for informational and entertainment purposes only. The discussions and experiences shared are based on our personal stories and opinions. This is not medical advice, and it should not be used as a substitute for professional medical guidance. Always consult with a qualified healthcare provider for any concerns or questions regarding your health.

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
Hi, and welcome back to Beyond the Monsters.
Today I have Misti here with me from Florida.
Hello, my name is Misti Blu Day.
I'm so excited to be here.
Thanks for having me.
know it's so nice to meet you.
you

(00:25):
All right Misti, go ahead.
I'm gonna let you have the reins from here.
Let's talk about, start with your childhood.
Yeah, so I mean, that's where it all starts, I guess.
uh So I have had a really traumatic childhood growing up.
My dad was an alcoholic uh later on down the road, which is pretty much about four yearsago.
He did pass away from cirrhosis of the liver.

(00:46):
So that's something I always kind of knew we would get there at one point.
And no matter how prepared you can be for that, it still hurts.
Sure.
Going back to my childhood, there was a lot of abuse with my mom and my brothers.
m
By your step, by your dad?

(01:06):
Yeah.
So yeah, I was just really crazy.
I mean, I remember there was a time when I was younger, he was drunk and we were at apark.
I was on the tire swing, probably about seven years old.
And he's just fighting people like at the park.
And, um, and it's funny too, cause I, when I was a teenager, I remember him saying like,don't ever get in the car with people drinking and driving.

(01:28):
And I was like, but you've done that.
Like he's literally swerved home.
um, you know, so that was just something that was normal to me.
And so.
So was he a mean drunk?
Oh yeah.
Was he nice when he was sober?
Absolutely.
So sober him was the best dad in the world.
He's very much like a Jekyll and Hyde.
ah And that's what made it really complicated.

(01:51):
That's kind of like the first start of the trauma bond.
Sure.
And one thing I've learned recently is that the trauma bond is kind of associated withStockholm syndrome.
So when you have that amazing dad who would flip pancakes for you on Sundays and we go toDisneyland and road trips and uh then you could kind of like

(02:12):
it'd be the polar opposite just at any given moment.
And so that also taught me to be hyper vigilant because any little shift and just themovement or how he spoke, I knew like, okay, we're gonna have a bad night.
When he drank, yeah.
So he would go through like sober stents where he.
was my stepdad too.

(02:32):
Yeah.
Yeah.
could be weeks or months or even a couple of years and then all of a sudden out of nowhereback and then there's hell.
m
Okay.
Yeah, that just makes it so hard, especially when they're great when they're sober.
Yeah.
And then like you said, the hyper vigilance, you're just always on alert.
It conditions you.
And so that's kind of where, you know, I'm sure you've heard people say like, if chaos isall you know, you're gonna always be attracted to chaos.

(02:59):
So that of course transferred into my relationships as an adult because like the partnersI would choose were similar to that chaos and that trauma bond and the roller coaster.
And that's kind of where.
Eventually I had to learn how to pay attention to that because you can have so many failedrelationships or abusive relationships and you have to get to the point where you Do some

(03:22):
kind of self-reflection and decide for sure.
Okay, where's my part in this?
How can I break this cycle?
That's tough.
That is tough.
I lived like that too when I was a child.
I mean, isn't it funny how you just, you remember the craziest little pieces.
You forget a lot, but then you remember like you remember when you're out there, you'replaying and he's fighting everybody.

(03:45):
And we just remember the craziest things.
That's true though.
There's a lot of times where you do forget stuff.
I mean, that is common with trauma.
I think some of it can be just like part of the coping mechanism.
Like you dissociate during those times and so you're not really locking them in.
uh But your body still knows.
ah So that is something that's interesting that I've experienced.

(04:10):
And I did write a book, Garden of Blue, and I mentioned that in the book about...
my childhood and alcoholism because I don't drink.
I'm eight years alcohol free.
Okay.
Which I love.
Congratulations.
Thank you.
It's the best thing I've ever done for myself.
ah
Did you struggle a little bit with it?

(04:30):
I actually didn't, I'm very lucky that I didn't.
ah So I would go periods of time where I would go six months or even a year withoutdrinking and then I drink.
And I think there was just that point where when I did finally quit drinking completely, Iwas only drinking maybe a glass of wine or a beer here and there.
It was already kind of minimal.

(04:51):
And I think I had a hangover one day and I was just like, what am I doing?
You know, I want to focus on my health and I'd already really just kind of was so sick ofit anyway.
And then it factoring in my life and, you know, my childhood, it was kind of like, why,why am I doing this?
And, um, it's also something I noticed too, that the next day, if I did drink, I would bereally depressed.

(05:17):
And my friendships that I had during the times when I did drink, they weren't real.
And it's, it's almost like, I just, you know, slowly had that.
Epiphany where I was just like this isn't good for me and I just stopped so that's whereI'm fortunate to where I was able to just stop and I need help and You know, of course
once in a while there are times where it would be nice to have an old-fashioned right,right?

(05:41):
Sometimes I'll smell someone's drink.
I'm like, that you know, I did used to bartend Yeah, appreciate it like as a foodie andyou know, but I just I know don't ever want to go down that road again I just it's not
something that's ever added any benefit
Did your mom have any alcohol or drug issues?
No, she likes to have a drink here and there, but luckily that wasn't really an issue.

(06:04):
It was mainly my dad.
There's a Christmas, I remember when I was young, where he was chasing my mom down thehighway saying he was going to kill her.
And then eventually my grandma, his mother, came over and she's just this little, tiny,five-foot lady.
um

(06:25):
pretty much like tucked them into bed and gotten calmed down.
And she, my mom like went to one of my friend's mom's houses and that was Christmas.
So like a lot of my holidays would be like that too.
um
mom or your grandma was she an enabler?
I think so.
It's hard, I love her so, you know, it's hard to say that, you know, it's, yeah.

(06:49):
That's kind of how it works.
And even my mom, I think to a certain point was, I think it was when I was 18.
So I have kids and I started young and I was pregnant at 18, had them at 19.
twin boys.
Oh, wow.
And so I was still at my parents house.
I moved out soon after, but I was still there and he started drinking again.

(07:12):
A little bit.
And then I think he even threatened like to kill her, which it was just, you know, I'msure just, you know, him talking or whatever.
Yeah.
But I was just like, Mom, we're grown and I do not want them to have the life that I had.
So what are you doing?
And she kicked him out.
She did.
She did.

(07:33):
And I remember at first he was really upset with me.
Like he blamed me instead of himself.
Exactly.
And so we had some time where things were hard.
And there was even times where he said he was going to die and he'd disappear for twoyears and come back like, hey, how are you doing?
Oh, Lord.

(07:54):
And as crazy as it sounds, I still kept my relationship with him.
Still your dad.
Yeah.
And so that's where I kind of, you know, just looking at that trauma bond again and reallytrying to understand it.
think for me personally, a lot of my healing has come from education, self-awareness, andjust really trying to learn like, what are attachment styles?

(08:16):
What are trauma bonds?
What is trauma?
You know, and, and just trying to figure out how to escape it.
Cause it's
try to end the generational trauma.
You with kids, it's like, I don't, you don't want them to have the same childhood orhistory or past that you had.
I remember your mom though, I mean, that she finally was like, no, you're going.

(08:39):
Yeah.
Because you probably used to wish that when you were a kid.
oh
And the interesting thing was when he was in the hospital for cirrhosis of the liver, he'sbasically on his death bed.
He had a...
Yeah, 63.
So, but you know, when you have cirrhosis of the liver, at a certain point, the chemicalsin your body can make you have almost like dementia.

(09:03):
Right.
Because you get like a toxic level.
for sure.
I like, oh, I know what I'm talking about.
ah But he thought it was like, he thought we were in the 90s, because they try to seewhere your mind's at and em ask the year.
And he thought Bush was the president.
And so he thought my mom, I think he thought my mom and him were still together.

(09:26):
So she wanted to come to the hospital.
She hadn't seen him in so many years, decades.
Didn't want to see him, didn't want to talk to him.
There's still a lot of pain there for her.
And so she kind of was like in the background like just wanted to be there for my brotherand I but also I guess maybe be there to herself and he just Yeah, and he like called her

(09:47):
the nickname he used to call her back in the day which I heard and forever and asked abouther tacos because my mom's famous for her tacos and we were all just like crying and yeah,
it was it was sweet because You know that was kind of like our last few memories, but itwas it was
It was sweet.
wasn't, you know, or bittersweet, I guess you could say.

(10:08):
sure, for sure.
Yeah, I could see that.
But hopefully that gave all of you a little bit of closure.
It It did.
mean, it was really hard to see him there, but that's just the road he took.
And I'm grateful we were all there to be able to say goodbye and to show our love.
So your boys never really got a chance to know their grandpa?

(10:30):
did.
but there was a point where I had to kind cut them off.
like one time I had a doctor's appointment and I was like, okay, I need you to watch themfor me.
And I remember having, I think I drank at the time, not like, you know, like justcasually, I had like a couple beers in the fridge and I remember going in there and

(10:53):
counting, okay, there's four and I left, this is 10 a.m.
And I come back and they're hidden.
The bottles are empty, hidden in the trash.
And I was like, Hey, I'm sorry, but I can't trust you to be alone with my kids anymore.
And I had to cut them off.
And there's also a point soon after that where he lost his place to live.

(11:14):
don't even remember how that happened.
And he was going to go back, you know, from Florida, back to Missouri to live there.
And he was on a, like a park bench.
And I remember being like, I'm sorry, I can't have you here.
Right.
Because I can't do this anymore.
so I remember visiting him at the...
Yeah.

(11:34):
And I remember visiting him at the park.
I found him a little outlet that he could plug his phone in.
I brought him a PB &J and that was right before he left to Missouri.
And so they still kept in touch and texting and they call each other.
Who did you...
With his mom and his brother.

(11:54):
Yeah.
Okay.
So...
And then eventually his mom had passed away and he, know, soon after was brought
his brother, your uncle, was he alcoholic too?
No, mean, not like that.
Not that I know of.
Now you have the twin boys.

(12:16):
how much later did you have her?
19 and they're 22.
not too long.
Yeah.
They're awesome.
don't know how you have kids that old.
You were like me, I started when I was 18 too.
started when I was...
so glad I did too, because I'm tired.
Right, right.
It's like me time, right?
It's kind of cool to be close in age because I feel like we're really connected and wekind of had to grow and heal together because I mean, there were times where I've always

(12:43):
been a self abandoner, people pleaser, which I didn't know at the time.
And I remember one of my boys was, I started to catch on him doing that too, just likeself abandoning.
I was like, and being like a doormat.
And I remember being like, oh no, I did this all wrong.
Like I to fix this.
having to like kind of re-teach them the things that I accidentally taught them myself.

(13:03):
That's amazing that you recognized it though.
Yeah.
You know, a of people don't, they either don't recognize it or it's way later.
That's true.
I'm really grateful for the self-awareness.
think it's just, that's kind of where you get to that point of, you know, just getting sosick and tired of it that you have to.
And so I have developed that self-awareness over time.

(13:25):
And I think it's really been helpful for like my healing journey and being at the placethat I am.
Right, right.
What about dad for the twins?
Was he around now?
Yeah, no, okay.
So again, we kind of go through the same He wasn't around much at all He signed over hisrights to them and everything and he even went to jail and

(13:51):
So that might've been a blessing that he wasn't.
totally a blessing.
And I remember, you know, I was a teen mom.
My friends were, you know, young and nobody else had kids.
I was the only one with kids.
twins and two boys.
Boys are tough, I think, when they're younger.
They're just crazy and hyperactive.
Yeah, but I remember running into uh someone at the grocery store and they're like, theyheard that I had left their dad and he was like, I can't believe you'd do that to them.

(14:20):
Other people would say that too.
You know, like, why would you want to raise them without a dad?
And I was like, he can be involved if he wants, you know, and I'm not going to subjectthem to that kind of life because he was doing shady stuff.
And again, it was the best decision I could have made for them.
oh
glad you made that being so young.

(14:40):
Yeah, because I can't even imagine where my life would have been if I didn't.
And that was the thing too, going back to what you said earlier, I bet you wish your momdid leave him sooner.
Yes, that's why I left him.
I'm not going to do that.
I'm not going to wait till they're 18 years old and being like still.
Yeah, it's just amazing that that all registered for you when you were that young.

(15:02):
Yeah
I mean, there's still of course a lot of things I had to learn the hard way or that tookme a long time to learn.
I'm definitely not perfect.
I'm not preaching.
That's something I always like to say to people too.
When I talk about my stuff, it's just a share so people don't feel alone or so that theyunderstand like, yeah, it was hell, but there's a way to go through it and overcome it.

(15:28):
Yeah, resilience is it's a blessing.
Yeah, and a lot of people don't know that it's even possible That's why these stories areso important.
Yeah
I agree with that for sure and one of the big recent lessons for me is just like thatvictim mentality and understanding it I think I had that myself a little bit and I think
there was recently a time where uh Someone who was a friend of mine?

(15:52):
showed me that ah Deeply just that victim mentality and I was able to see it andunderstand it and that's kind of where that reflection comes in to where I was like Wait,
do I do that?
Have I done that and I have
But the difference is you have to see that.
So breaking that victim mentality, that victim mindset, it's important because you won'tget out of that.

(16:16):
You're never going to elevate or outgrow that if you're just like, well, I'm the victim,or this, can say that all day long.
Because next, we'll tell
That's true.
You really were a victim.
You really are a victim.
Absolutely.
So it's hard to get past that.
And I could use that as an excuse to do drugs or to be an alcoholic or to, you know,whatever.
And so having someone who, know, she had done me wrong.

(16:39):
And when I tried to communicate about it, you know, it was, I was met with, well, you'renot the only victim in this.
I was like, okay.
Ding, ding, ding.
Like it made sense to me that victim mentality.
also equates to a lack of accountability.
And so yes, I'm a victim for sure, but I have to have accountability and how can I breakthe cycle?

(17:00):
How can I break the generational patterns or whatever?
we have to like, so for me, like, especially in relationships, I got to stop chasingpeople who were like my dad, who brought the kids.
you have to fix, right?
yeah, and that was me.
Instead of fixing my own life, I wanted to fix everyone else.
I was the hero, the rescuer, the healer to everybody else.

(17:22):
right?
Let's fix other people.
They don't have worry about ourselves.
Exactly.
I don't to work too hard.
finally learned how to set a boundary because I did not have a single boundary ever untilrecently.
And that was a big deal to me to be able to say to someone like, hey, you know what?
I got to fix my own life.

(17:44):
uh What what happened and like where was the turning point for you to be able to do that?
think it was, well, number one, I want to give a lot of credit to therapy.
I've been in therapy for years.
um When I started going to therapy was I was in a marriage and it was just up and downroller coaster.
I would get like screamed at.

(18:06):
And so with my heart issues, one of my heart issues, like I'll go into arrhythmias.
I have Wolf-Parkinson-White syndrome, also known as pre-excitement syndrome.
my pacemaker company would call me after I would be screamed at by my ex.
And so I would sometimes react.
think there's a name for it can't remember where when you push and push and push someoneand they just, react.

(18:30):
And it's kind of like, look at you being crazy.
So I go to the therapist cause I'm like, I want to divorce this person.
And so going to the therapist, I was like, so yeah, I sometimes I just lose it and
You know, like I have this problem.
I have a lot of trauma and this is all my fault.
And I don't want to have like another failed relationship and you know, what do I do?

(18:52):
And so the more I started going and opening up to the things that were going on, she waslike, well, what's he doing?
And I was like, Oh, and so eventually she's like, your reactions are a normal fight orflight response to a hostile environment, not your trauma.
They could just keep poking.
yeah.
And so eventually I'd come home and I'd like, well, you know.

(19:15):
And over time, like I just started building more and more of that confidence and goingback to myself.
And, and so that's where it started to build, you know, from there to where I, you know,okay.
And so when I did end that relationship, my gosh, it takes your whole world and puts itupside down.
And I had to reassess everything.
And I was like, wait a second, this relationship and this friendship, these are all kindof similar.

(19:40):
And I'd go to therapy, I'd continue to go, and there was even a few times where she waslike, that person just replaced your ex.
And I started to really, like I really just had to dissect my whole life and just startover.
And I had to cut off so many different people and friendships that I thought were foreverfriends.
And even, you know, even family too.

(20:02):
just, and in life in general, like boundaries are healthy.
And that's something that...
They're tough.
I mean, you have to work at it.
Yeah.
Because as a people pleaser, you sound like an asshole.
Am I allowed to say that?
Yeah.
You sound...
It makes you feel like a bad person, like telling somebody you love and care about, no.
Right.
And so it takes practice for sure.

(20:23):
And when you're met with the resistance, because some people don't know how to take thatand some people react and that's also kind of like your red or green flag.
So if they're reacting...
okay, now I see what this is.
And I did have people who reacted to just some me just simply not abandoning myself andand just saying no to certain things.

(20:49):
just extreme reactions.
And to where
they were probably used to you kind of being like a yes girl.
Just doing anything that they needed.
Yeah.
I remember one particular friend too, where, you know, it was just so much and she wasn'thealthy.
She wasn't doing the work.
And I, and I remember her saying, like, I was like, I, I'm going through a divorce.

(21:09):
just, had broken my ankle.
I was like, I am selling my house.
I, I was going to the hospital for a year for tests or a week, sorry, for testing.
And I was just like, I have to help myself.
I don't have time for this right now.
Please understand and respect that.
And.
She was screaming at me like, I can't believe you'd abandoned me at my worst time.

(21:30):
It's like, you don't even hear me.
You don't even care about me.
You can help me too.
No, it's like they just wanted to sit there in that darkness because I guess it's cozy ifthat's all you know.
And I just, couldn't.
that can be in a lonely place though.
And that's important to know is like that isolating period is, it's also temporary.

(21:55):
it takes a turn.
Sometimes you want to go back to them.
or you miss them or you just miss the friendship you thought you had or that closeness forsure.
You have to grieve it and then you have to start over in a way and find people who are inalignment with you, who have done the work.
And that's another thing I've done too, is making like a checklist for people.

(22:16):
Like, okay, you have accountability, you have communication skills.
Like the basic foundation of like what's gonna make a healthy relationship, friendship,you know, whatever.
Well, and as we get older, I think that we look for those things even more than we didwhen we were younger.
know, because it was just like, oh, I'm friends with so and so, but now you're like moreconscious of it and you're like, no, I need these type of people in my life now.

(22:42):
can grow with, elevate with, and have peace and have fun and all the good stuff.
No trauma bonds.
No, no thank Hopefully.
Okay, so take us back though.
I need to know about this heart stuff.
happened?
Okay.
So I was born with heart issues.
I was born with the Wolf-Parkinson-White syndrome.

(23:03):
So with that, there's an extra pathway in your heart that can put you in a rhythm calledsuprarentricular tachycardia where you're in the 250s.
For me, I was in the 250s.
My heart rate was 250 beats or so per minute.
And it happened all the time.
My whole childhood, a lot of times they were like, well, maybe you'll outgrow it.
They didn't know what to do with me up until I was 18.

(23:25):
And then finally they did a cardiac ablation.
So they go in through the groin and they burn the cells that cause it.
And mine of course was difficult.
So I ended up having four and during the four, they still never fully like a hundredpercent successfully fixed it.
They instead, they kind of

(23:45):
burned my SA node, which is what the natural pacemaker of your heart.
And they also potentially tore through one of my valves, my aortic valve.
So now I have a tear, but being a rare disease person going to the ER and stuff at first,like they didn't notice the tear for years.
I kept going in, I'm like, no, they're like, you're not, your rhythm's fine.

(24:09):
I'm like, I'm not here for my rhythm.
I'm here for this feeling.
And then after a couple
you feel?
Like my heart was just pounding.
it was just every beat I could feel, like this intense pound, just not a lot of energy.
just, something wasn't right.
And so they would dismiss me.
And then one time there was a doctor who was like, oh, well, I hear your murmur, but yourheart rate's fine.

(24:33):
You're not in SVT.
Like we're sending you home.
And I was like, I've never been told I have a murmur.
So they ended up doing an echo and they're like, oh, wow, your aortic valve has moderateto severe regurgitation.
And then even still with that, the doctors locally were like, mm-mm, I don't want to touchyou.
One doctor even said, you're not a car.
I can't just lift the hood and fix you.

(24:54):
You're young.
If you die on my table, your family is going to sue me.
So I was like, well, my quality of life sucks.
I had no energy.
I was short of breath.
On top of that, I still needed a pacemaker.
My heart rate would drop into the 30s.
I'd stand up and then go to 150.
I lived like that for years, just being medically gaslit.

(25:14):
um
a real thing.
think some people don't realize how real that is in the medical field.
You have to be your own advocate.
Yeah.
Like it really happens.
think because I've advocated for myself, the levels I have is why I'm still here.
Right.
I believe it.
And that continues on and on and on.

(25:37):
you know, finally, I did get my valve repaired.
I went and found a website.
I think it was called like Heart Valve Journal or Patients or something like that.
It's like a Facebook for patients who needed their valves replaced.
So I learned so much.
That's how I found my doctor who happened to be local and the best of the best.

(25:57):
and he was like, let's fix you.
So he went in.
were you like, oh, this is how it's supposed to be.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You want to help me?
deep breath.
And so we scheduled the surgery.
This was in 2011 and they did the open heart surgery.
He was able to repair it and that lasted me a while and my quality of life didn't prove alot, but I still had the heart rhythm issues.

(26:25):
So 26, 27.
And so eventually my heart valve
repaired, didn't hold up, which we knew it it would.
And so about three years ago is when I had my last open heart surgery where they did anactual replacement.
So they went in, I have a tissue valve, which is nice because I don't have to take theblood thinners.

(26:48):
I don't have a mechanical one and it's supposed to last me a while, which is good.
And I mean, I'm able to go running all the time.
Like my quality of life improved so much.
Like I'm really grateful for it.
But with the pacemaker,
That's a different doctor.
you know, no.
So that's the pacemaker is an electrophysiologist.

(27:10):
So you have to different people.
And I was having a hard time finding that specialist for the pacemaker at the time.
And so there was a stent where I was going to the ER a couple of times a week and theywere like, you're on drugs.
do a drug panel and it was negative.
Okay.
Well, it's anxiety.
You have kids, right?

(27:30):
And like they just kept.
gas lighting me and I remember finally having a heart monitor on and I would be in the ERand wearing a sweater.
They didn't know I had the 30 day heart monitor on and they wouldn't even put me on amonitor at the hospital.
So I was like, they're saying it's anxiety.
like, do you not see my scar?
Like I've had open heart surgery.

(27:51):
I'm a cardiac patient.
have history.
Look at, put me on a monitor.
And they just, they just would not.
Eventually I finally found an electrophysiologist and he was like, whoa, you need apacemaker.
I got a pacemaker.
I wish I had one 10 years ago.
Wow.
I mean, that's what makes it so frustrating is that I should have had this care a gooddecade ago.

(28:18):
And so that's kind of what led me to patient advocacy and becoming a rare disease advocateand even going into school for it because
It's so frustrating and there's so many other patients that are like me, you know,struggling with the same thing.
Yeah.
uh
Wow gosh, so okay, so how long ago was it then since you got the pacemaker that piece?

(28:42):
was about seven years ago and then the second open heart surgery was about three yearsago.
So I'm in a good place now.
you know, everything's being managed, which is great.
what do they say as far as the prognosis for everything?
Um, mean, fortunately like science and modern technology continues to advance and improve.

(29:02):
So the cool thing is, well, this valve they're saying could last about 20 years, which isawesome.
Yeah.
And on top of that, they said by the time I would need another surgery, like they, I'dprobably be able to get it without having my chest cracked open again, which would be
nice.
Cause that is not fun.
eh
I can't even imagine.

(29:23):
Yeah.
And the second one was cool because they were able to use my own blood for transfusioninstead if I needed it.
So I thought that was kind of neat.
Yeah.
And then the pacemaker, it's supposed to last 10 years, but it's been about seven oreight.
And recently they just said my battery life's at 40%.
So I'm still good on that for awhile.

(29:45):
And then they would just replace that?
Yeah.
Yep.
So hopefully, you know, no problem.
you're?
Yeah, I just finished.
done done.
Yeah.
you have to take your boards.
um
Are you a girl?
I know I didn't mean to schedule it right after my trip to Nashville.
Yeah, you know, that's what I do.

(30:06):
guess
It's not that bad.
Just make sure you do all those review questions and just.
I've been studying.
I brought a book to study to like on the plane and during my downtime, but
Awesome.
So are you going to work um in cardiac, do you think?
would like to, I think the challenging part with like being a new nurse is you're kind ofstuck on like a med surge floor, like the basic, you know, and then eventually you can

(30:33):
work your way up into those specialties after you do your time.
Cause you'd still have a lot to learn as a new grad, but I would love to do that.
I'm still open.
just, knew I had to go in that direction.
I thought about the nurse practitioner route too.
maybe
being a specialist, cause I love genetics and I also have this condition calledEhlers-Danlos syndrome.

(30:56):
uh And that's something that isn't fully understood.
And so I think to be a nurse practitioner that focuses in genetics and the Ehlers-Danlossyndrome and dysautonomia is needed and also something that I'm passionate about and I've
done a lot of research on.
And so we'll see what happens one day at a time.
You'd be awesome.

(31:17):
Wow.
So what kind of advice would you give people, especially when it comes to the medicalstuff and the gas lighting?
How do you advocate?
How did you decide, okay, I'm going to advocate for myself?
This is not acceptable.
I'm not going to just...
I was worried for my life and my kids needed a mom.

(31:37):
I didn't want, if I left, they wouldn't have had anyone.
And so that was a big driving point for me.
So it kind of started with that, but I had to educate myself.
So in my book, Garden of Blue, I have a chapter about that, how to advocate for yourself.
really it starts with educating yourself.

(31:58):
like one thing I find, cause I also do hair and so I'd have a, I keep getting mixed upwith.
between saying patient and client.
Having a client in my chair at the salon and they'd always ask me about that kind ofstuff.
And I'm like, what'd they say?
And they're like, I can't remember the diagnosis.
And I'm like, what?
So that's something I see that's common in a lot of people is that they don't even knowwhat their diagnosis is.

(32:23):
don't know any of that stuff.
And that's fine.
They're not nurses.
They just trust.
Yeah, they blindly trust.
And so that's really important to...
educate yourself, take notes, research it.
Because one of the statistics I found, which this is an old one from 2014, so I don't knowwhat it is now, but it was that one in 20 are misdiagnosed.

(32:45):
And that's a wild number if you think about it.
And I have many of those.
I was diagnosed with GERD and acid reflex and so on.
So you want to also question the doctors.
which they never like.
are not into being questioned.
You're allowed second opinions.
actually I have a friend named Kendra who was a good advocate and someone who I looked upto, um, who also kind of helped inspire some of the advocacy too.

(33:14):
And one of the things she said to me was doctors are like dating.
You don't have to date the first doctor you see.
Like, know, and that was something I always kept in mind.
Like, okay, this one's not gonna, they're not gonna hear me or they have poor bedsidemanner or.
you know, whatever, okay, you can find a new one.
That's perfectly fine.
And, and so starting with that education and, and then also I would get my medical recordsand I'd look through them because there's a lot of stuff people wouldn't tell me about.

(33:42):
Like I found out, you know, I had my tubes tied and I found out one of my tubal clips wasdislodged floating around and I, one of my ER visits, um, they, saw it in my record and
they never told me.
They never told me.
so I got my records.
went through it and cause that's what I always do after a visit because again, I I don'ttrust.

(34:07):
And so I go to my doctor and I was like, Hey, can we deal with this?
And so she was like, yeah, let's do a search and rescue.
they went in and took the clip out and, so, but I would have known if I didn't read myrecords.
That transparency has to be there and it's important and we have access to that.

(34:31):
A lot of people don't know.
Yeah, no, it's so true.
That's what makes it so scary.
People just don't know that they can advocate for themselves.
And they do that blind trust, like you said, where I'm completely out.
I'm like you, I don't trust shit.
I wanna know everything and I'm gonna ask somebody else and I will question them too.

(34:52):
They don't like it, but if they don't, then get a new one because you should.
Exactly.
I've had some doctors that were really cool about it.
Like I had one doctor, I was trying to educate him on dysautonomia and he was so coolabout it and he had me send him stuff.
I emailed him some information and later on down the road, I found out he actually.

(35:13):
eventually became a specialist in that.
Really?
Because I was going to have to leave the state.
And then one day I heard there was like a POTS clinic and he was leading it.
And I was like, Whoa, I told him about that.
Oh, wow.
And so that's cool.
And that makes an amazing doctor.
It's such a, it's, that's a beautiful thing.
And there's a joke about like the doctors Googling it and oh my God, that's a good thingtoo.

(35:38):
Because I just got done with the nursing program.
And did we ever talk about other standalone syndrome?
Not once.
Right.
So if a doctor has to Google it, I respect that.
Right, right.
And it's the doctor.
at least educating themselves on it.
It's the doctors who don't know about it and who dismiss you that are arrogant or don'twant to work with you and that just, you know, nothing.
So like you can, again, like dating, you can move on.

(36:00):
Exactly.
Gosh, how did you?
How rough was that going through open heart?
Like, did you have people to help you?
It was rough.
So yes and no.
So the first time I was, they say you're not supposed to have someone leave you alone forlike the first like week or two.
And I had someone that was supposed to be there and then they bailed on me.

(36:23):
And so I'm like, at the time, that first one, my kids were still kind of young and it was,it was really rough because, you know, I felt kind of on my own, but at the same time,
like I was dealing with depression too.
I've always dealt with.
depression, PTSD, so that didn't help.
And my sleep schedule was all crazy.

(36:44):
so much pain.
So, and back then, like they, they give you all the meds.
And I'm fortunate to not like them.
So I've never had to worry about that.
But fast forward to my next open heart surgery where in Florida,
the pain meds were, you know, they don't want to prescribe them.

(37:05):
On the second day, they were wanting me to be on Tylenol.
Oh.
And again, I don't know if it's because of my age or how I look having tattoos, butTylenol after having your serums sawed open is not sufficient.
And I remember at the time, the person that I was with at the time, you know, they left.
For the day and I was like I said I don't want to be left alone because I was afraid tonot be able to advocate for myself Right with the meds or something were to happen.

(37:31):
I wanted someone there and of course they left so I'm there and I remember they set thefood tray right in front of me and I was sitting here in front of my food tray literally
just crying into my food because I was in so much pain that I couldn't lift my arm to feedmyself and
you know, finally they came in and they're like, what's wrong?

(37:53):
You're not eating.
And I was just like, I'm in so much pain.
Right.
Like I can't move.
And so, you know, that's also where like in nursing it's important to you.
You you have to get on top of pain for sure.
Like you're going to have a lot of problems if you don't.
And that's And so they did help me out a little bit.

(38:13):
And, um, and then I just progressed so well that I was able to be kicked out the next dayon the third day.
of surgery because I did so well and I was moving around and wow.
Yeah.
So that time around for that surgery, kind of like, you know, I wanted to not go throughsuch a traumatic or difficult time like I did the first time.

(38:35):
So I had all these boundaries with myself.
Like I made sure to ask for help this time.
I made sure to have that support system ready, which, you know, sometimes it can be hardto ask for help.
Yes.
And also what I did was I would not allow myself to like watch TV during the day untillike evening or sun, the sun came down because I didn't want to get my sleep cycle all

(38:58):
screwed up.
And I didn't want to get in this depressive mode.
so I had the lights, you know, the blinds open in the room and well lit.
had art and books and healthy stuff.
It was such a big difference.
And then another thing I did, which sounds silly was like, would, was doing like squatsbefore, cause I was like, I'm going to pre train myself.

(39:23):
Cause I didn't want to get deconditioned too much.
And I also like, you know, you can't like bend over for a while.
And you also have like muscles you don't even realize exists.
So I like learned how to like squat down and so that way, like when I was by myself, I wasat least like kind of.
trained a little bit.
And so when I, know, the first thing you do is like, you go from your doorstep to yourmailbox to just eventually like to try to see, catch your breath.

(39:55):
And, um, and I felt like I was able to do those things a lot faster because I started, youknow, trying to pre-train for that, condition myself for it.
So that way I wasn't just like, my baseline wasn't just from nowhere.
oh
Yeah, so it was a much different surgery and it went a lot better and I was reallyfortunate to not have any issues or...

(40:19):
they help you with the pain though, even after you told them or did they just have theybeen treating everybody like they're a seed?
bit.
Yeah.
They, mean, they did a little bit, but even when I sent was sent home, like I wasn't senthome really with anything, um, which I was okay with because that's all that's really what
gave me a lot of problems too was, you know, the side effects of pain meds.
And I, you know, I was also, I'm always afraid of that too.

(40:44):
Cause that first one I remember having a patch on and I didn't know what the patch was.
Well, guess what it was.
And so I remember having like the package and
This was before I had educated myself to where I am today.
And I was like, okay, so I put this patch on on day three.
And for whatever reason, it made me so sick.

(41:06):
I don't know if I was overdosing.
But I was holding frozen peas to my face and my other side of my face was on the coldbathroom floor.
was throwing up and then I had the epiphany, like, my God, maybe it's the patch.
So I took it off and threw it away and I Googled it.
And I was like, whoa.
So I mean, it's definitely like night and day, the first one and the second one.

(41:30):
But I didn't want to deal with that.
And luckily, they didn't send me home with that anyway.
That's the only bad thing, especially in Florida because there was such an issue, youknow, about the rehabs and all those things and around.
Yeah.
But like even when I have a lot of autoimmune issues, like I'm in pain, like you name it.

(41:51):
I I've been an SVT plenty of times.
So I know what you're talking about.
Thank God I've never had to worry about going through the surgeries you have, because thatwould probably.
the shit out me.
fun, but SVT it is scary.
It is scary.
It's scary.
But when I've been in pain, even here, I do sound like a seeker.

(42:13):
I'm like, and this is what I'll say, when it comes, because they'll give you Tylenolfirst, and then they'll give you Toradol, and they'll give you whatever, they'll keep
going.
Yeah, but I'll be like, and my husband will laugh too, but I'll be like, listen, I am amedical professional.
I am not a seeker.
I owned rehabs, everything else.

(42:34):
I know only diluted works for me.
Yeah.
I mean, they'll usually give it to me, you know, it has an issue.
But I think that they look at me like, yeah, okay.
Yeah.
You know, but that's a that's a problem too, because so many people are in pain and theydo need help.
But everyone they look at everyone like a drug addict.
They do and seeing being on the other side of the curtain as a nursing student I saw thattoo and I remember seeing a young girl who was a patient and she's very similar to me

(43:04):
similar issues and I saw in her chart it said that she was drug-seeking and I was likethat is so wrong and then then it got to the point where she was like
I need morphine is the only thing that helps my migraines.
Right.
And as soon as we leave the room, the nurse all shadowing the, you know, the charge nurse,they were like, Oh, there it is.

(43:27):
And I'm like, this poor girl's not going to get the help.
And that's also why I want to kind of do the nurse practitioner route because I'm big onthe genetics and you can do a genetic panel and do the pharmacogenomics where you can
actually get that paper and hopefully show like, you know, this, don't.
metabolize this or this doesn't work for me and kind of show them the proof because Idon't know what else can we do.

(43:51):
I know because they just unfortunately with everything that's happened they look at peoplelike that.
Yeah, and then they become I think they get desensitized to do they just think everyonelike like that nurse you are working with when maybe she was just advocating for herself.
Yeah
that's one of the things too with Ehlers-Danlos syndrome.
One of the things they say is if you hear hooves think horse, not zebra, that's what theysay in the medical industry because it's gonna be a horse, like quit looking for the

(44:19):
zebras.
But Ehlers-Danlos syndrome, they're known as the zebras and that's where they're gettingdismissed or neglected because they're looking for the horse.
Right.
That's kind of where you have to also be open to where it could be a freaking zebra.
Right.
sure it's not.

(44:40):
then that's where it's so important for you as the patient to unfortunately have toeducate them.
Yeah.
And then hopefully they listen.
Oh yeah, that's what makes it tough too.
That's actually the next book I want to work on.
Am I allowed to kiss?
Yeah.
Okay.
It's Unfucking the Healthcare System.

(45:01):
Really?
And I want to kind of dissect all of those different issues and I want to include patientguides to where if a patient does go to the ER and it is, especially if it's something
rare like mast cell or dysautonomia or Ehlers-Danlos and they can...
show this patient guide that has the rationale, the pathophysiology, the labs.
then it kind of will bridge the gap between the patient who's not a medical expert and theactual medical expert who might not know about that weird or rare thing.

(45:30):
And that's something just to kind of help also with people to be able to advocate forthemselves or even the medical professionals to kind of see things through a different
lens, the things that get missed.
Yeah, so and I think it's important to for patients to know like even if you areadvocating You know for yourself and you get like a shit ton of pushback from them like

(45:50):
don't give up go to the net like Go to the next one interview the next doctor the nextmedical professional because you will get that because there's a lot of arrogance You
know, yeah, they can't get past themselves
it's important too though for the patient to also like you have to give yourself afighting chance.
So that's the thing too.

(46:11):
Like I think that bridge that I was saying, like if the patient has eaten a bag of Doritosand Coca-Cola every day and like not exercising and you know, like.
That's where I think the frustration can happen because it's like, you have to, again, weall have to have accountability.
So that's why I don't drink.
That's why I exercise.
That's why I look for clean ingredients and try to, you know, the self care is soimportant.

(46:35):
And, know, I've been the patient who didn't drink water all day while I worked, you know,on my feet at the salon for 16 hours, you know, so that's, you're going to have an issue.
do talk about some of that in your book too.
Yeah, so my second book that just came out last month, it's called Botanical Rebellion.
It's Apothecary Guide to Nature's Alchemy.

(46:58):
Okay.
And I have, it's really whimsical, but there's science in there.
Yeah.
And it's very colorful because I do photography too.
And so I created all these recipes and there's a lot of botanical and adaptogenseducation.
I talk about some genetic stuff like the MTHFR mutation.
Do you have the
I have that too.
do.

(47:20):
Yeah, both variants.
So a lot of people don't know about that either So I talk about that and dyes and like,know, you don't need food dyes like you can use butterfly pea flower That's naturally blue
right hibiscus or beetroot, you know have all that in there.
yeah, so there's recipes mocktails.
We'll make sure that Kenna puts that in your in the description.

(47:43):
I'll you the PDF for those two.
Awesome.
Wow, you're kind of an overachiever.
I love it.
Yes, I love it.
You know, I like, guess it's a healthy defense mechanism.
You know, like I try to make sure I have some balance, but I think a lot of that comesfrom just, you know, trying to keep my mind busy because I do have that side of depression

(48:09):
and PTSD.
Yeah.
So, you know, and I can't watch a movie or TV because
My mind is having some thinking about other things.
So having like a second thing, that's part of the ADHD too.
Having a second thing, like whether I'm writing or working on something, then it kind of,then my brain's busy.

(48:29):
yeah, no, I get it.
I get it.
Wow.
So, but yeah, with the botanical rebellion, you know, it's really heavy on the self carebecause that's where a lot of people, neglect themselves or, you know, we don't do the
self care.
And that was me, especially.
I did not self care.

(48:50):
Well, you probably grew up in an alcoholic home, like all the things.
So you were probably never taught that wasn't a priority.
It was like, hey, let's just survive.
yeah, I've always been in survival mode and that was another thing where I got to thepoint where I, well, what can I do to make my quality of life better?

(49:10):
Especially if these doctors aren't gonna listen to me.
Am I eating food that's not good?
I not?
That is true.
I was staying up late, I was an insomniac.
So you have to fix all of those things to give yourself that fighting chance.
And so that's why the hustle culture,
That's such a big thing, but we have to slow down sometimes.

(49:32):
We have to get in nature, drink some freaking water.
Right,
Yeah, and not drinking too.
I started to play around with the teas and botanicals and make some fun like prettywhimsical stuff.
So I wanted to share that.
And also with depression, like just adding glimmers to your life, you know, it is nice.

(49:54):
It might be bougie, but it's nice feeling for me to be able to make this beautiful, fundrink that's actually going to benefit me and romanticizing life and
You know, it's something that's been healing.
And so I wanted to pass that on and share that, make it fun and light.
That's awesome.
That's awesome.
I think it's important to have fun things like that because when you want to change yourlife and you want to start taking care of yourself, you have to break a lot of habits.

(50:19):
oh Like the old bad habits.
That's not always easy.
It's not, and that was a thing I struggled with in the beginning.
Like I'd go to the gym and have like a week or two where I was awesome.
And then as soon as you mess up, okay, game over.
Now I'm back to just not.
And that's where you have to give yourself grace.
Like it's going to take time.
And that's where I really started to like focus on discipline.

(50:43):
I, know, discipline, if you lack discipline, you're gonna really struggle.
And I definitely lacked discipline and
when I started to be more disciplined, that's where you see the results.
And I don't really know what the switch was really.
think part of it was thinking of that as my medicine, looking at it that way.

(51:05):
So like going on a run, I hated it.
I don't want to go on a run, that's torture.
But I made myself go because I was like, this is my medicine.
If I don't get my medicine, you know?
And so I would go on my runs and now I love it.
I love going on a run.
see it and I enjoy it.
like, Oh my god, I'm gonna go on a run tomorrow morning.
Why?
You know what?
I don't think I could ever learn to love is running.

(51:27):
I walk fast, I'll do all the things, but running, it just sounds dreadful.
It can be, especially in Florida, but.
You get all that heat.
But I do other stuff too, like like kayaking, know, like I also switch it up, just beingactive in general, you know, and moving your body.
Like it's that kind of like, if you don't use it, you lose it type of thing.

(51:49):
Even with your mind, just like reading or just doing any kind of thing to like, you know,get out of the digital world we live in.
No, I agree.
Yeah, I agree.
So do you think all these changes that you've made and just going so far towards all thepositive, is it helping you choose better relationships like with your partner or?

(52:11):
um Yes, I would say recently.
Yeah, so I I did recently go through a breakup.
Okay.
That was tough because it was like I you know graduating this nursing program and havingmy second book come out while going through a breakup.
uh And that's kind of something that's always been hard for me is like trying to celebratethese things while also going through heartache and grief.

(52:39):
Right.
uh
get to just concentrate on your win.
oh
But you know, after my previous relationship, I was in therapy and I continue to stay intherapy.
And I think I'm in a place now where I can have use, can use that discernment and I amself-aware.
So now I can recognize that stuff in other people.

(53:00):
Even like with friendships, like there's been times where, you know, I've met new peopleand you know, I had this one person who was kind of love bombing and just like,
blowing me up and even at one point they're like, I miss you.
And I was like, well, I've never even really hung out with this person for them to saythey miss me.
And we, you know, and so that's where I, was able to see like, okay, this is that typical,this is just like this friend and that friend that I got rid of to where they latch on and

(53:30):
that's that dependency and I self abandoned.
So I want to help them.
wanted my help.
And that's where I had to.
You need me.
You want to be the same?
I set that boundary and that's where it's really cool to kind of to recognize that momentwhere you're like, oh wow, I did it.
I overcame that.
And so I think I'm getting there.

(53:51):
Like I definitely want to be very cautious with, you know, the dating world and there's norush for that.
And you know, the next relationship I do end up in, like you have to check all of theboxes in the checklist that I made and some that I didn't even know existed.
And you know, you have, again, I have that checklist for everyone.
You have to have accountability, communication skills, respect, you know, and so, yeah.

(54:18):
And so I think I'm pretty in tune now with like the narcissism and the love.
I think you're due for a good one.
m Fingers crossed, right?
hope so, if not, I'm okay now where I think I can be by myself.
And that's what makes it hard too is, I'm such a lover and I'm such a hopeless romanticand I wanna pour my love into someone.

(54:47):
And when I love, I love fully.
And you really, when you have that in you, you wanna give it away.
But I've always given it to the wrong people.
And I recently had someone reach out to me.
She's into horoscope stuff.
And it was funny because she was like, is your Venus and Virgo or something?
I think that's it was.
I was like, let me look.

(55:08):
I was like, you're right.
How did you know?
And she's like, well, I am too.
And she was like, and again, I'm not like the biggest in the horoscope and stuff.
But it was fitting.
So basically what she said was, people like us, we are the healers.
And we, you know.
people will love us and they will take all of that from us until we are empty and thenthey will leave.

(55:31):
And I was like, dang, that's spot on.
And so whether that's the sun and the moon or not, it still applied to me.
And to be mindful of that, like I'm not gonna be another lesson.
I want you to come with the lessons learned where we can grow together or like goodbye.
I am good on that.
that's just awesome that you can recognize that now and you have the strength to do that.

(55:55):
Yeah.
Because it is easy to a for people.
But there's a balance too, you also, at least for me, like I can't be too like, you know,oh, everyone's terrible.
Don't trust anyone.
Like there's really a balance in that.
So, you know, you have to be able to use your judgment, but also, you know, give otherpeople grace too.

(56:18):
And again, communicate because of course no one's ever going to be perfect.
Even like your bestest friend in the whole world or your family, they might.
across a boundary or across a line.
It's how they deal with it.
And so that's the thing too.
Like if I'm in another relationship, I'm not getting serious until we have our firstfight.
I want to see how you act.

(56:39):
I want to see how your anger takes you and how you treat me.
Like, are you going to still be respectful during our fight?
Like those are things we don't look at.
And instead it's like when you're dating, you're like, oh, he's tall or...
They're, have a good job and we listen to the same music and blah, blah, blah.
Cool.
You can have that in friends.

(57:02):
That's all like aesthetic, like not foundational stuff.
So like we need to be looking at partners and seeing if they have the basic tools andself-awareness themselves.
that's-
really watch out for that narcissism.
I think that's something I've always kind of been drawn to because again, because of mychildhood that trauma bond is something that's always kind of continued on.

(57:28):
And so I do not want that again.
Right.
You know, and, not.
The thing is it's so awesome that you know now.
But I also have to take accountability myself and my own part in it is that I allowedthat.
I love it.
So you probably had to go through periods of like giving yourself grace too and likeforgiving yourself that you Yeah

(57:51):
agree.
Yeah, because shame is always going to be stifling.
And that was something I struggled with deeply.
And that goes kind of back to that victim mentality mindset.
If you have shame, it's really hard place to heal from.
And I definitely carry that.
I definitely had a hard time with forgiveness for myself.
And so that was something I also worked on in therapy.

(58:14):
I think I even took some.
I saw a forgiveness class that was local and I even took myself and my kids to like, hey,let's learn about forgiveness.
And we talked about who are you forgiving?
Is it a person?
Is it yourself?
And it's harder when it's yourself.
Cause if it's somebody else, like you don't have to even talk to them to forgive them.
That's a for you thing.
Like I'm forgiving you for me to kind of cut that off.

(58:36):
But when you're forgiving yourself, it's, difficult.
yeah it is, absolutely.
And that's part of that, like you said, like giving yourself grace.
I know.
And, you know.
Because we want, when you come from abuse and things like that too, you just blameyourself because it's always your fault.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So I think that's hard to get past.

(58:57):
Yeah.
But you can do it.
I you're proof.
One of the things too with therapy was the EMDR and that was something that's helpful toobecause you go back to that trigger and you almost reparent yourself in a way.
So you recognize the trigger.
For me, my root issue or my root narrative, I guess, was that I don't matter.
And so, you we went back to a time in the past where my dad who was, you know, six footfour was yelling and he was hitting himself in the head and

(59:28):
It scared me and I remember my legs shaking and so what we decided, what I felt in thatmoment was that I don't matter because when someone's treating you this certain way, it
makes you feel like you don't matter.
And that's something that translated into all of those relationships.
He was one of the most important people in your life.
You should have been able to trust him and
in all of my relationships and in other situations too, of course.

(59:51):
And so when you're able to recognize your trigger, you're able, you know, I'm able tocatch myself and go, wait a second, how am I feeling?
When did I feel this last?
Okay.
I'm feeling like I don't matter.
And then you correct it.
I'm able to reparent myself in way or whatever you call it and give myself that grace.
And I'm able to.

(01:00:11):
move through triggers, instead of letting the trigger take over, I can take over it.
And I'm able to say, okay, well to myself, I kind of talk myself out of it and now I canprevent a depressive episode or a reaction or whatever.
And I'm able to get through it.
And that's the coolest feeling ever to be like,
Right, right, right.

(01:00:32):
Especially if you can like avoid those depressive states because you're still gonna getdepressed.
I mean it's chemical you can still Yeah, yeah, but to be able to talk yourself through it.
Yeah, it avoids that way that's down slow
much.
And even if I do have like a random moment where I'm feeling a low or feeling kind ofdepressed, I just go to my toolkit.

(01:00:54):
What do I need to do?
Should I book another therapy appointment?
Do I need to go outside?
Do I need an actual break?
Am I going too hard?
Like, you know, usually going in nature or having like a self care day, like, or talkingto someone like there's you have to build your toolkit.
Right.
And I think I have a pretty decent one at this point to where I can recognize how I'mfeeling and navigate it.

(01:01:15):
And that's
wonder if like for me, I have struggled with depression, deep depression for a long, timesince I was younger.
um But I can feel it.
Like for my husband, doesn't like get really depressed, but I can feel like I can wake upand I'm like, I'm depressed.

(01:01:36):
It's here.
It's here.
Like, right.
And if you don't use tools, like you said, like we're all just, I don't really feel likedoing anything today.
Just wanna lay on the couch.
do it.
recognizing that is huge.
Because it could be a day, or if you don't recognize it and use some tools, it could beweeks.
It was the worst to cancel your plans.

(01:01:57):
And there were times where I wouldn't even touch my phone.
I would just disappear.
And that's also, think, why I keep myself busy.
uh But again, that could be a bad thing too.
So I had to figure that out.
So for me, if I am laying around resting, something that should be healthy, my mind islike, oh, you're depressed.

(01:02:20):
And that's where I had.
It's terrible, but sometimes I have to almost plan my self-care day.
This day is my self-care day, and I'm going to do this, this, and this.
I'll get a massage, go to the beach, have my smoothie, or whatever I'm doing.
And then I'm allowing myself to rest.
And it sounds terrible to have to allow that.

(01:02:41):
no, but it's very, it's reality.
Just how, you know, most of your life you always felt like, well, I don't matter.
Then you become an overachiever because you want them to look at you like, oh, look at menow.
I do matter.
See what I did now?
And you just keep doing it.
yeah.
I I live it too, so I know.

(01:03:02):
Like, yeah, it's just, cause you want to be seen.
Everybody wants to be seen.
And it's weird though, because when I am seeing, I'm kind of uncomfortable.
right.
Yeah.
is interesting.
It is, it's crazy.
like.
I don't, you can acknowledge, that's fine, okay.
But yeah, not too much.
Yeah.
Yeah.

(01:03:22):
Yeah, we are similar.
That's another thing I do too.
Like in the morning I make my bed because I'm like, I don't want to get back in it.
I don't want that clean, neat environment.
But yeah, I do need to be better about having that rest and downtime without, you know,being hard on myself, but at least I'm recognizing it and working towards that.

(01:03:44):
But that's been the key so far for me is to just kind of plan for it.
you know, having that last minute like free time.
Yeah.
I just cannot just check out and wow.
to do with yourself.
yeah.
So the kids are doing good now.
they're all grown, which is so weird, but they're doing great.
Um, super proud of them.

(01:04:04):
always joke like their credit score is better than mine.
That's how know you did a good job.
So no, so this is like the first time I've been like an empty nester and I haven't reallyeven experienced it quite yet because it's still so new.
So I haven't quite processed it yet.
Girl, you and I both, 30 years, until just like two months ago, because my youngest, youmet Kenna, right?

(01:04:31):
Did you meet Kenna Oh, no, not yet.
OK, you'll meet her.
she's my youngest and she's 24.
She still lived at home until like a year and a half ago.
But we had our 10-year-old grandson that lived here for dance, lived with us full time.
So just two months ago is the first time in 30 years.
Yeah.
that I have no children.

(01:04:52):
girl, sometimes I'm like, am I sad?
Am I happy?
I, can go do whatever we want.
But then you're like, no one's here.
Like, how do you want this big house?
Yeah, yeah.
You don't know what to do with yourself.
It's a real thing.
day I was just laying in my closet on the floor like on my phone like I'm just like thisis crazy yeah so

(01:05:12):
But it's supposed to be like, I guess it, you should be happy and you should be proud.
But then selfishly you're kind of like, I don't know if I like this.
It is weird.
That was another thing to like to be mindful of like when my kids were getting older andthey needed me less like I'm such a giver and like back to that self-abandonment type
thing like you know I think that's something I had struggled with in previousrelationships where I that replaced it okay so I'm gonna make you breakfast every day and

(01:05:39):
lunch every day because they didn't need it anymore and right so that's something that I'mlike ready for this new chapter to be like you make me
Yeah, absolutely.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
So I gotta, I gotta add that to the list.
So if you were to talk to your younger self, Misty at 15-ish, what would you say?

(01:06:08):
What kind of words of encouragement would you have given her?
Wish that somebody would have told you.
ah
That's a tough one because specifically at 15, that was a really tough age.
I think at that time I was truly considering ending my life.
Okay.
And I really just never had that self-worth and back to like my core belief was that Idon't matter.

(01:06:33):
I think it would have to be something along the lines like just keep pushing, you matterand oh, that's why the tissues are here.
I use humor as.
Um, yeah, and just to, you know, believe in yourself really, because that was the thingI've, I struggled with for years and decades to come was just not having that self-worth,

(01:06:58):
not believing in myself and just, and just feeling like, you know, what's the point.
It's never going to get better.
And, um, I don't know if there's a true, like quick little thing to say, maybe a hug too.
Right.
And another thing too is like no one's gonna save you, but yourself.
And it's funny, because when I first did my photography business at like 19, my littlemotto was me against the world, which isn't necessarily like the best thing.

(01:07:28):
But at the same time, like, yes, ask for help, like support and community, blah, blah,blah.
But it kind of is in a way, like we can't, there's no knight in shining armor.
There could be maybe for some people, at the end of the day, we really gotta do that forourselves.
And I think that was something I kinda always hoped for was that someone would rescue me.

(01:07:48):
Someone would love me the way my parents should have or my should have.
And it's so hard when you're a teenager and you know, you know, I know there's a lot ofteenagers that contemplate suicide.
I did too when I was a teenager and it's just, you feel like there, cause you're, you'reunderage, you can't make your own decisions.
There's all these things and you just feel so lost.

(01:08:11):
I remember just feeling so lost and that you don't matter.
And.
It doesn't feel like it's ever gonna change, but it does, it can.
That's kind of something I use also as like a reflective tool is that 15 year old versionof me like would be very proud of myself.

(01:08:32):
And that's something we have to sometimes take in or consider, especially if you strugglewith that.
That you have done it, you're doing the work, you're continuing to do it and you're makingthe younger version of yourself proud.
I would have been someone who would have saved that younger version of me.
And that's something that's a good feeling and a good thing too.

(01:08:53):
appreciate that and have that gratitude sometimes like because you know we were talkingabout shame earlier patting myself on the back is hard to do because you know like and for
a lot of people because oh you're egocentric or you're narcissistic or whatever rightwe're kind of taught not to yeah be proud of ourselves right and i think it's important to

(01:09:14):
be proud of yourself sometimes you know so i try to do that sometimes
Yeah.
Like, hey, look at me.
I would be...
Right.
Because I wanted to write a book forever.
And actually that first book, Garden of Blue, has writing from when I was 15 in there.
I collected that.
had my writing for so long and even just like Facebook memories from 10 years ago, I wasasking about writing books and stuff and I did it.

(01:09:41):
So it's cool to think like, you know, just stick...
stick to it and keep pushing and even those impossible things that seem like wouldn't bepossible or dreams that maybe seem too big, just keep chasing it because if I didn't, that
was something I dreamt of for, I'm trying to calculate 15 to 41, but for that long that Iwanted to.

(01:10:07):
Write a book.
So if in the grand scheme of things, that goal took a million years to do, but just keeptimes going to keep passing.
Just do it anyway.
Yeah.
Even if it takes you 20 years.
and even like at 15 life is miserable.
You feel like you don't even want to live if people would just like and it's so hard whenyou're in it Just think for a minute that this will pass.

(01:10:28):
Yeah, these are just moments where like I freaking sucks, but you stick with it keep going
What's around the corner.
And that's the thing too.
It's like, you know, I think about that all the time.
Like if I would have ended my life then or whatever, or at a different time, you know, Iwould have missed all of these things.
And so it's important to consider that.

(01:10:50):
Cause life's always going to be up and down.
And when you have that low moment, it sucks, but you know, there's going to be beautifulmoments ahead too.
And we're to have bad moments again, you know, and that's kind of back to that.
That's life, yeah.
uh
too because otherwise that victim mentality or shame, you're to beat yourself up.
It's just not going to take you anywhere.

(01:11:12):
Yeah.
doing amazing.
thank you.
That's awesome.
You just graduated.
Everything, guys, there's so many good things coming for you.
Yeah.
Try to just like, you know, just enjoy life and kind of see where it takes me.
That's kind of what this new chapter is about.
Just, I've been more about like trusting the process.

(01:11:34):
And another thing for me was I've always been very planner.
Like I plan it, things must go this way.
I'm gonna do this, this, this to take me here.
And then it falls apart and my world blows up in my face.
Or, know, we got the divorce, all that.
So it's like.
The plan's never really worked out, so I think it's good to have goals.
But now I'm trying to look at life with a loose grip and just see what happens.

(01:12:01):
It's not happening to me, it's happening for me.
This is taking me to something.
My whole life blew up, but guess what?
There's something else coming.
So I'm trying to look at it in that mindset and just enjoy it and kind of see where ittakes me a little bit, which is new for me.
Smart, smart, you're gonna be fine.
Yeah.
Well, thank you for sharing with us.

(01:12:22):
I'm so glad you came.
I am too, thanks for having me.
It's so nice to meet you too.