Her Father Lied About His Family Being Murdered and Her Mother Was Deported

Clair’s life began in chaos—raised by a father who fabricated shocking lies about his family being murdered and a mother who was later deported. Her childhood was marked by deception, abandonment, and the weight of secrets no child should carry. As she grew older, Clair uncovered more truths about her family’s past, while navigating the pain of loss, strained relationships, and the emotional toll of addiction.

She shares what it was like to grow up with a mother battling alcoholism and a father whose life was cut short in a car accident when she was young. She reflects on the dark moments where she questioned whether life was worth continuing—and the resilience it took to keep going. Today, Clair is rewriting the narrative, determined to raise her daughter with honesty, empathy, and a safe space to express her emotions.

 

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*Disclaimer: The content shared on this podcast is for informational and entertainment purposes only. The discussions and experiences shared are based on our personal stories and opinions. This is not medical advice, and it should not be used as a substitute for professional medical guidance. Always consult with a qualified healthcare provider for any concerns or questions regarding your health.

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
Hi and welcome back to Beyond the Monsters.
Today I have Claire here.
Where are from Claire?
I just moved to Chattanooga about a year ago, but I'm from the east coast of NorthCarolina.
Okay, we're gonna get into her story today.

(00:23):
you
All right, Claire, welcome.
Yes, I'm excited.
I really, just briefly looked over um your submission.
Yeah.
And my goodness, she definitely has a story.
I don't even remember what I put, because I think it was a late night thing I found.

(00:46):
was like, let me just write something.
It was probably about my dad or my mom or something.
I'm not really sure.
Well, start wherever you want.
Do you want to start like where you grew up?
Sure.
uh My parents met via a newspaper article that I still have actually.
And then I was born in Jacksonville, North Carolina.

(01:08):
So that's where I grew up.
My dad, was a Marine before I was born and last stationed there and stayed there.
oh
Were you only child?
Wow.
Yeah.
Which, yeah.
was a good thing and then like, was a little sad but I had a really good childhood bestfriend that was like a sister to me.

(01:29):
So what was childhood like?
It was rough.
I think I look back at it and I'm thankful it was just me because of the way it was, but Idefinitely needed somebody.
Luckily I had my friend Katie.
But yeah, no, it was interesting.
Had parents that I've always said felt like they shouldn't have ever been together.

(01:54):
My dad had...
I don't know, he cut off his family and like lied about a bunch of things and like hadstarted fresh and then met my mom.
Yeah, before my mom even changed his last name from his family last name and everythingand just cut everybody off.

(02:14):
Yeah, so, oh man, he had always, I always like grew up knowing that his family wasmurdered when he was a young child.
Yeah, and like that's what he told me.
so that's what I grew up knowing and believing.
He said he was Native American.
um And so like we used to go to Pow Owls, all sorts of stuff.

(02:37):
My middle name is a Comanche name.
It's Quahati.
He like went with like the whole thing.
Yeah, changed his last name.
from Reyes to Parker.
Parker was uh like the chief of the Comanches was like his last name.
So who was supposedly murdered?

(02:59):
Mom, dad?
He's the
everybody off.
Yeah, he was the sole survivor of the whole incident and grew up.
I don't really remember if he I don't remember what he told me how he grew up.
I don't remember if it was like.
I don't know.
I don't remember that part, honestly, can tell you.
Yeah, yeah.

(03:20):
So did it not happen?
It did not happen and I didn't know this until after he passed away and I was looking atgoing into like foster care because I didn't want to live with my mom.
He passed away like two months shy of my 12th 13th birthday.
Yeah.

(03:40):
And then DSS or
whoever they looked into his story and I kept telling them the same thing and I'm surethey probably thought it was wild.
Because as an adult now I'd be like if a kid told me that, that's wild.
Yeah, so they actually like I guess dove into it and they were looking around.

(04:01):
I remember being asked if I wanted to live with my mom.
She was deported when I was eight.
Her home country is Sweden.
She was
She tried, I think, but just was not mom material.
I honestly, don't know if she even wanted to have kids, but she had me at like 38.

(04:24):
And let's see, she was a really bad alcoholic up until she passed away a few years ago.
How was your dad before he passed away?
Obviously, we know he doesn't tell the truth.
Other than that, how was he?
If mom was an alcoholic, what was dad like?
So dad, was honestly like my, like I kind of grew up thinking of him as like my hero.

(04:49):
My mom, like I want to say like she wasn't terrible.
She just didn't know how to mother.
I don't know.
Maybe I'm making excuses, but I always like hope for the best in people anyways.
But my dad, like he didn't like to come home.
Like after work, he'd go to the bars and try just to avoid the home situation.
uh
a lot?

(05:09):
We had the cops over at my house often.
I remember growing up with them like coming over.
uh Yeah.
I think it was mostly my mom that was more physical.
I remember her being more physical with him versus the other way around.
He would send me to bed early just to get me out of the situation.
I remember one night we had a bonfire and this was, I was at least eight years old, umseven or eight.

(05:36):
at this point and we were having a bonfire and they both had been drinking and she startedgetting aggressive and so my dad made me go to bed and I like, was so mad about it cause
like I wanted to stay up.
But the next morning I saw him and he had a huge gash on his face and she had taken likeone of those like hand mixers and like she had gone into the house, grabbed it and threw

(06:01):
it at him and like the plug sliced his face.
And like, Cleary's Day had that scar.
Just like a constant reminder of it.
um
Were they together until he passed?
Yeah, well, no.
he there have been other situations with my mom, I think one of the last draws where hedecided like something needs to happen.

(06:25):
And I've seen emails since he passed away of him writing to her family, like we need help,like Elizabeth has a problem.
just like trying to say like, like we need out of this situation, Claire deserves better.
Right.
I remember like being at like a, had like outdoor like plastic furniture for our kitchentable.

(06:46):
And I just remember like sitting in between them and my mom got mad at him, went to likethrow like a beer bottle at him and it hit me in the head.
Yeah.
And shortly after that and like nothing happened to me.
just, I just remember it though.
Shortly after that is when I came, I went to school one day, came back and he was like,your mom's been arrested.

(07:10):
Um, like they found out she's illegal and so she's being like detained or whatever.
I don't remember exactly how he said it.
Oh, um, so I was not there.
I do not know the facts, but from what I was told, he had like gotten somehow like somedrugs and had it in her car and called like immigration on her when he like got her to go

(07:36):
grocery shopping or something.
Yeah.
Yeah, I don't remember if that's like the truth or not, but like I remember being toldthat like multiple times, you know I mean, right?
was like, okay.
Well, what a BA?
He did what he had to do to protect his kid, I guess so yeah

(07:56):
Did you feel that way or do you still feel that way that he was probably just protectingyou?
was trying.
Yeah, for sure.
And, you know, I mean, he didn't always make the best decisions, but I think he tried withlike the tools he had.
um I had he took me to school early.
I always have to give the long story.

(08:17):
That's OK.
He took me to school early one day.
had a field trip.
I was out at the field trip.
And while I was away on my field trip, he.
had gone home for lunch, was headed back to work, and I guess it had been raining a littlebit that day, and an 18-wheeler jackknifed right into his driver's side door.
ah so they said he died instantly, which is a relief, because I can't imagine what thatwas even like, or even seeing that come towards you.

(08:46):
Yeah, so.
em But he, after my mom had left, he stopped drinking, stopped smoking.
oh
on upward.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So you had to be crushed.
I was, I was devastated.
And then also I was like, what do I do?

(09:07):
I remember like calling him cause he had, he gave me a cell phone and I was like, I think11 or 12.
He was like, just in case, cause he was a single dad.
He was like, in case anything happens, call me.
And then like, you know, had the worry cause my mom, guess would threaten to like comeback and take me even though, you know, immigration.

(09:30):
Yeah, exactly.
And the teachers and the staff at my schools knew my mom was not allowed to take me if sheever popped up out of nowhere.
um And I knew I didn't want to go with her because I remembered the memories.
um They were still pretty fresh because it had only been four years or so.
um But yeah, I remember just calling and calling because the teachers were like, call yourparents, let them know we're actually going to be back a little early.

(09:57):
oh And he didn't answer his cell phone, didn't answer the house phone, didn't answer hiswork phone.
I even tried calling his boss and I don't to And like, I remember just feeling like superanxious, like why is my dad not answering?
Like, he's going to like not pick me up on time.
I remember thinking like, I had band practice tonight, like what's going to happen?

(10:19):
um And then when I got to the school, the assistant principal was waiting for me at thebus door.
and was like, you need to come with me.
And I was like, I need to go find my dad.
Cause I didn't see his car in the parking lot or anything.
I was looking for that truck too.
And I was like, don't see him.
it like, I remember feeling panic, like I need to go find my dad and you find my dad.
I worried about him too.
Right.

(10:40):
Yeah.
And they're like, no, you need to come with me.
They were, I just, I remember just sitting in the chair and then my friend's mom, I justremember looking at her face and like thinking like, why is she so sad?
Yeah.
And then, I think the principal was someone that broke it to me.

(11:00):
And I mean, they, they did it in the best way possible.
Yeah.
So she was, they were our neighbors for a couple of years.
And then that's who my dad relied on.
Like he was like, in case anything happens to me, like, hopefully you'll go with them.
Well, you know, whatever.

(11:20):
And then, so they knew like, she would be the one to like,
take me in at least.
So like she was there when I found out and it was bizarre.
yeah.
You were so young.
I I didn't, I don't know.
I don't think I fully grasped it either.
Like, it didn't feel real kind of to me.

(11:42):
think maybe the denial.
was like, all right, it's like sleep over time.
Like this is weird.
Cause you know, I didn't have any family here at all.
So what happens from that point?
Um, so the Rochelle's were great.
They took me in.
They, got furniture from my house.

(12:02):
Yeah.
I was allowed to stay with them.
Yeah.
Um, however, I didn't realize everything that was going on in the background.
I didn't realize that like I was going to talk to like DSS and like I had to startcounseling and all those other things.
Um, it was appropriate, but I, I think I didn't realize like

(12:23):
people were trying to find if I had family or somewhere to go.
oh And I remember being asked, like, do you wanna live with your mom?
And I was like, no, I don't.
I just didn't.
And then like also I didn't wanna move to Sweden, which honestly I probably should have,because it's great over there.
But I just, remember thinking like, this is my home, like this is what I know.

(12:48):
And like, just the whole new concept was so.
Were they okay with you staying there?
They were, yeah.
em So he passed away on February 24th and I think I actually lived with them until eitherlike June, late June or July maybe.
um I wanted to so bad, but they actually found out my dad had a family.

(13:10):
Oh, yeah better bad
ended up being great.
It was so good and I'm so thankful for them.
Wait, not the family that was murdered.
Yeah, that one.
Yeah, the one that he killed off.
Yeah.
Yes.
Yeah.
So I guess uh they went through and like, because my dad was a Marine, they had a lot oflike records and stuff.

(13:35):
And then they realized he actually changed his last name.
And on those documents, he had that he was so I was told he was born in Oklahoma.
And that's I mean, what he told me.
And that's where all like a lot of the Native American stuff is.
So like it made sense.
He slipped up one time though in fifth grade.
I had a really pretty teacher who was actually from Texas and he was like, well I wasactually born in Texas.

(14:02):
And I remember thinking like, no, you weren't.
Like, yeah, I was like, what's going on here?
And I remember asking him about it later.
He was like, I just always lived in Oklahoma.
That's why I don't ever mention being born in Texas.
And I was like, I remember thinking like, that's weird, but okay.
Yeah.
Right.
You just believed them.
okay, that's a little odd, but whatever, you know?

(14:22):
Okay, I didn't question anything really.
I wonder what it would be like if he was still alive though sometimes with all like thetechnology, the TV stuff.
I'm like, oh, you would have had a first up buddy.
Oh gosh.
Do think, do you know why he made that all up and did stuff happen?

(14:43):
Like I always say I wasn't here or like I don't know the truth like fully Like he's theonly one that will know fully like why he did it I want to say he was like sending Money
for bills back home and they weren't being spent on his bills and he just got tired of thefamily and like cut everybody off and that was easier for him Cut everybody off and start

(15:07):
fresh
Murdered him off.
Murdered them off like, oh my gosh, I can't even.
That's a story.
Yeah, I was like, why would you tell me that?
Are you trying to give me a traumatic childhood?
Yeah, so I don't know.
But yeah, so they like traced and I guess they had called my grandma and she said shecouldn't take me in, but he had a brother only like an hour and some change away.

(15:33):
And they were like, please call him and then see.
And so the family actually knew about me, but I just never knew about them.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I think it's great.
They respected my daughter.
Like, you know, just maybe couldn't get through, I don't know.
Yeah, because you really don't know what that last exchange was like between all of themor what really happened.

(15:59):
So I do actually like his goddaughter is uh one of my cousins.
She had like somehow like tracked him down and like was emailing him.
So they like corresponded a little bit, I guess.
And then um I remember being like seven years old, I think.
And these three strangers showed up on our doorstep.
And my dad told me that they ran out of gas or locked their keys out of their car orsomething like that.

(16:23):
But it ended up being my cousin, like two of my cousins and like um one of them'sgirlfriend that had come down.
Yeah.
And I guess like, I don't know, I think they said that like when my dad opened the door,they're like, God, you look just like grandpa.
Like, yeah.
And he was like, because you know, he had like made this whole story.

(16:44):
And then my mom was, guess, kind of like what's going on or whatever.
Yeah, so she knew him after all that so she probably just Okay, yeah boy
I know, it's wild.
It's wild.
He even had a trike and took them out on a motorcycle ride.
And I remember thinking, why would you take strangers out on a motorcycle ride?

(17:08):
Yeah, I know.
I'm like, this is very bizarre, but whatever.
OK, I was used to weird stuff.
OK, why not?
But yeah.
So how did you feel after finding out, I mean, you just lost your dad and then they're,okay, now there is family, you have all this family.
So like, you know, I grew up Native American.

(17:29):
I remember sitting one of the times I went to Goldsboro to visit with my aunt and uncleprior to me moving in with them just to do like some visits.
I didn't realize we were doing visits to feel it out and to see.
But now looking back, I was like, yeah, that's what that was.
I remember sitting in the back of their truck in the middle and then just being like,wait, so I'm Mexican?

(17:51):
And they're like, yeah, you are.
And I was like, oh, okay, cool.
That's cool.
know, but I just remember like one day like something's just clicking and like I had somany periods of that happening.
So bizarre.
Did it make you angry at all?
with your dad or were you?
honestly don't think I ever felt anger.

(18:13):
um I'm usually like pretty easygoing anyways and go with the flow, but I just rememberthinking like, you could have told me, you know, but also like he was protecting himself
in the best way he knew possible.
So I have to respect that too.
Like, I don't know.
Sometimes I think I just felt sad more than anything.

(18:36):
Like he's got this family and they're...
wonderful people.
I we all have our own things, but like they loved him.
You can tell.
Yeah.
So I don't know.
Um, when they got up with my uncle and called him, they're like, Hey, you know, Rick'sbeen in a car accident and he didn't make it.
And we have Claire, like she needs a place to go.

(18:57):
My uncle did not hesitate.
It's the story that I've been told multiple times.
Yeah.
He was like, she can live with us.
Like took me in like right away.
Where were they?
They were literally, so I grew up in Jacksonville, North Carolina, like on the coast.
They were like just an hour and 15 minutes inland from.
away from where you grew up?

(19:19):
Oh gosh, should they have kids?
They did but it's so funny because they're you know similar ages to my parents uh But theyhad their kids young so their youngest one was 12 years older than me Yeah, so I have five
cousins with them that are pretty much like my siblings to certain degrees.
It's great um
they probably embraced you more to being that they were older.

(19:42):
Yeah, yeah.
So I don't know.
They were tough on me, though.
I remember like thinking like, oh my God, I have rules.
Oh, because you didn't before.
Yeah, mean, I really didn't.
Yeah.
And like, so my dad had to work.
And then like during the summer, he just left me at home.
I was at home all day.
So like, I just did my own little thing.
Prior to me, you know, being like 11 or 12, he would like take me to like the pool on baseand like leave me at the pool.

(20:07):
Like I did swimming lessons growing up.
So a lot of lifeguards knew me so I could hang out at the pool.
Okay.
Yeah.
me.
But yeah, I remember it being like a huge shock though.
Because I was like, I have expectations.
These people want me to do well.
They want me to be a good citizen.
Like, I don't know.

(20:27):
Yeah.
And they were just teaching you all the things then yeah
just normal things.
Like prior to living with them, this was so embarrassing, but like I didn't even cut myown steaks.
Like my dad always like cut my steaks for me.
And I like, what do you mean I have to cut my own food?
they're like, my God, I'm sure they were like this 13 year old, like, my gosh, be a lot ofwork.

(20:49):
And I'm sure it was, but I don't know.
I'm so thankful that they didn't give up on me.
That's awesome.
Yeah.
And they never really talked about it with about your dad and.
Really?
They've never had anything negative to say.
mean every once in a while, especially like now we can just be like, I don't know why Idid it and it's just what it is.

(21:09):
Yeah.
Oh.
Yeah.
Well, that's a lot.
So young.
So you were with them till you were 18 then?
And then growing up with my parents, we didn't talk about college and stuff.
Never really thought about that being on my radar.
With my aunt and uncle, was discussed.

(21:30):
A couple of my cousins had gone to college and stuff.
And then I remember being in senior year and going to apply for college because I wantedto live at the beach.
And then I went to go apply for college down there.
And I got to the end and they wanted an essay.
And I was like, no.
I closed out of it.
was like, I'm not writing.
And then I just closed out of it.

(21:50):
then like January came around and my friends were getting their acceptance letters orwhatever.
And I was like, oh.
Oops.
Yeah, I better start.
I was like, I didn't even apply anywhere.
I was like, you know what?
I'll just try this one university and see what happens.
I got accepted within like a week or something.
But it was like where my aunt had gone and one of my cousins had gone.

(22:11):
So was like, yeah, I'll just try it and see what happens.
don't necessarily think I had any like exact goals of like what I wanted to do.
I I was just kind of like floating through life a little bit and then made it in.
then so, yeah, I went off to college and then.
I did move back for a summer and then after that I ended up buying a place in that townbecause I didn't want to pay rent anymore.

(22:34):
um I just lived there until I graduated and then I did move back home briefly.
ah
Wow.
So did you finish college?
You did.
did.
Yeah.
I mean, even in orientation, I was like, don't even know what I want to do with my life.
I just knew I like to help people.

(22:55):
And this one girl was like, well, I'm going to try nursing.
And I was like, yeah, sure.
Let's go for that.
So I just.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And.
the crazy ass ER.
Yeah.
I love it.
Oh man, I had a retirement job for the last like five years of my life and I was like,need to do something.

(23:16):
It is completely different.
always like a surprise.
Yeah, you never know what you're gonna get.
Yeah.
Yeah, and like I just love that I'm constantly learning and stuff and it's been great uh
tell us more.
What else?
What's going on after high school and after university graduate?

(23:37):
Did you get like your BSN?
I did.
my BSN.
um I honestly though, like, I haven't really talked to, guess, like, my close friends knowthis, but sometimes I struggled with alcohol in college.
I guess I take after my mom a little bit.
Not in the best ways.
um Actually though, while I was in college, right before nursing, I tried to get in intothe fall semester.

(24:01):
My GPS would, no.
GPA.
GPA.
Yeah.
There you go.
That tells you what I'm like.
My GPA was not high enough.
was, it was good.
Like I was a lead chemistry tutor and stuff, but like it's just, it was so like, uh, hardto get into in the fall.
Exactly.
Um, so I decided to minor in psychology, took five psychology classes, and then I got thewild idea of like, maybe I'll go to Sweden and like visit my mom as an adult.

(24:29):
Cause like we like talked on Facebook a little bit.
I'm not like a handwritten letter person and she is.
feel so bad.
like looking back at it, I was like, I could have done more, but like, you know, Facebookwas nice because I can message her on there.
And if I didn't want to read stuff, I just didn't have to read stuff, unfortunately.
then.
had a lot of mixed emotions too.

(24:50):
So, but I remember like thinking like, maybe I can meet her as an adult and see how thisis.
You know, I think I had hoped she changed and she didn't, but it was very, it was good togo as an adult and like meet her as an adult.
I stayed for a month.

(25:11):
So I asked to take some of my exams early.
I did well in some of the classes.
I didn't even have to take exams.
And so was able to go for like a full month the first time I went.
know, my family didn't over there didn't quite know me.
So they let me stay with her.
They, I don't know, it was just how it was.
And then it was a huge shock for me.

(25:37):
Man, because I had been living, you know, with my aunt and uncle and they providedstructure and like a clean house and like.
Just like really good stuff that like I thrived in and like I grew up in like chaos, youknow what mean?
Like beer cans everywhere, trash everywhere, like stuff just everywhere.

(25:58):
And it really affects me.
um And then so like going to like my mom's house, she had like a little ah one bedroomapartment and there was stuff everywhere.
She, after my dad passed away, she was...
granted access back to the state.
So she got a lot of stuff from the house.
And so that was weird for me to see some of the things that like I grew up with and howlike, yeah.

(26:23):
Were you kind of thinking, why'd you get this?
Yeah, little bit.
Yeah, like one was like a papoose that like they used to put me in because you know, Igrew up Native American.
Yeah.
And then she was like, when I die, you got to take this.
And I was like, I don't really like I know it's great, but I'm not going to take that backto the States that ever happens.
Like I was like, it's a little too much for me.

(26:44):
So why was she allowed to go back just because she was his wife?
She, yeah, she, I guess, pleaded with, I don't know who you talked to for that.
Yeah.
But yeah, so she was able to go back.
They were, I think they were divorced actually at that point.
think he filed for divorce while she was in Sweden and I think was granted that.
Yeah.

(27:06):
ah What happened when you were there for that month?
Oh man, oh man, she showed her true colors, that's for sure.
I was like, okay, this is the mom I remember.
Yeah, so, I mean, she did well with certain things.
She wanted to go to Germany at one point, because her, like, one of her best friends wasthere.
And I was like, yeah, that's fine with me.

(27:26):
Like, and that was like my godmother, I guess.
We went over there.
She was a very nice lady.
So my mom grew up, like, riding horses, doing like horse.
shows, stuff like that.
uh Had a lot of ribbons.
And then I guess she met this lady in Germany and like worked at her stables and stufflike that.
My mom was also a carpenter, I believe in Germany.

(27:48):
uh I did know that she was a carpenter.
Cause my dad was like, yeah, your mom used to do this stuff.
And I was like, that's pretty cool.
But my mom, she was disabled early on because she had really bad rheumatoid arthritis.
I to say she was diagnosed like in her teens with it.
Yeah.
And I remember her fingers just being awful except for the one finger she used to open upher cans.

(28:12):
That one was still pretty good.
So we went over there and her friend knew she had an alcohol problem and tried to hide thealcohol from her.
And my mom, gosh, at 10 a.m.
was just in all sorts.

(28:32):
It was so bad.
I felt so bad for her and I was like, you're gonna kill her.
Like you can't just do this to her.
And like I wouldn't drink around my mom because I didn't want to egg that on.
So she was in everyday, all day alcohol.
we'd fall asleep multiple times throughout the day.
Like that's how I grew up, like sun up to sun down.
Sometimes couldn't get in the house as a kid.

(28:53):
I'd have to go to like the neighbor's house or whatever, or like go play in the backyard.
After like in a lot of the court documents that I got, there was like an instance where Ithink there was two instances on there, one when I was three and like one when I was five.
But I...
was locked out of the house for apparently several hours while my parents were like drunkinside or something.

(29:17):
like I couldn't get in.
Cause like them together, like that was the only way to tolerate.
Yeah, exactly.
Yeah.
So how did anything else that happened while you were there for that month?
You went there more than once?
I did go back.
Yeah, I think I like went for almost like once a year for quite a few years after that.

(29:41):
So that was, she was put in jail at the end of 2000.
And so this was like the December of 2012.
So I was 20 at the time.
And you know, she talked to me about my dad and like his story.
like, I remember telling her like, mom, I don't know.
why he told us that.

(30:02):
I was like, he told me the same thing.
I grew up believing the same things.
I was like, but he's not here to defend himself.
And like, we're not going to talk about it because we don't know why he did that.
I was like, I'm sorry, you're struggling with it.
I was like, I do struggle with it too, but he's the only one that knows.
And like, we're never going to
It's just so far-fetched, you know?

(30:23):
Yeah, and I'm sure it's traumatic for her too, because like, you know...
And for you though, he tried to be a good dad, it's like, ah whatever.
fairy tale he was living in.
Maybe he was coping with something, you know?
We just never know.
I know man with technology today though.

(30:45):
I'm I wonder how that would work out for him
Yeah.
No.
But yeah, so like we got in a fight about that.
And then I remember her just like being like really drunk at one point.
I think this was like right before Christmas.
Yeah.
I want to say it was like December, like 23rd or something like that, because over there,like we would celebrate on the 24th together.

(31:09):
And she just got really, really mean and nasty with me.
And then she was like, you need to get out of here.
I remember thinking like.
Like this is my place of where I'm like staying.
Like you really want me to go, but I'm also stubborn.
Like I'll go.
I got up, went to the bathroom and started like packing a few clothes and a bag.
My goal is to get to her brother's house.

(31:30):
I knew he lived close by, but over there in the winter, like it gets dark at like three 30cause they're so up North, you know?
Yeah.
And it was like a different area.
didn't know things too great, but I was like, I'm just going to make it to my uncle'shouse.
I was going to call him.
Um,
You're like, yep, you want me to leave?
eh Yeah, I was like, think it's a great idea honestly, like you can chill out and I can goand then like we can hang out a different day like I'm fine ah I go back to the table to

(31:59):
go grab the phone and she had taken it She let me borrow like a little phone while I wasthere So I had a way of calling like family and stuff and I was like, I please have the
phone?
And she was like no, she's like if you're leaving you can't have it.
I was like, but mom I need to call uncle Jorgen like
I just need to get to his house.
And she was like, no, if you're going to leave, you can figure it out kind of thing.

(32:19):
And I was like, I'm stubborn.
That's fine.
I'll go.
So I was like, OK.
And then she, like, you could tell, like, she didn't want me to leave.
But I was like, I was going because it was just like, was escalating.
At some point, she had kind of like pushed me.
I don't remember if it was that night or a different night because like, it's just how shegot.

(32:40):
Right.
I'm not gonna push back.
Like that's my mom.
Like at the end of the day, but like you're not gonna, as an adult, you're not gonna treatme this way.
Like I couldn't leave before, but now I can.
even remember.
Yeah, she's drunk.
Yeah.
So um I left and I started walking.
I got to my uncle's house and yeah, I stayed there and he was like, hey, your mom's stillinvited for tomorrow.

(33:05):
I was like, that's fine.
Like, it'll be okay.
And then um the next day, like family was coming over.
So she has a brother and a sister and her mom.
And I think my grandpa, yeah, he was still alive at the time.
I want to say like everybody was coming over for like a celebration so we could all betogether.
And I've got cousins over there too.
um I was like, yeah, that's fine.
First of all, like it's your place.

(33:25):
You can invite whoever, but like it's, don't want her to be alone either.
Like, like this is the first time I'm here in this many years.
Like it would be nice to like have a good Christmas together.
Um, but yeah, so she came over and like was comfortable.
So she was drinking too.
And like towards the end of the night, like my cousin was going to take her home and hersister said something to her about her drinking and like she, she didn't need to drink

(33:50):
anymore because you know, she was about to.
You tell a drinker, especially when they're kind of a drunk every day, they're not.
uh
did not respond very well to that.
She said something to my aunt.
I don't remember exactly what she said.
And I was like, no, mom, like, you don't really need to, like, don't talk to her likethat.
Or I don't know exactly what I said to her.

(34:11):
I set her off.
She was like, F you, you bitch.
And yeah, just went off on me.
And I just remember just like feeling so defeated.
Yeah.
And I was like, I mean, I asked for it speaking up.
So like, I knew how she would
them though in those situations.
went to my uncle's laundry room and just FaceTime my aunt and uncle immediately and I waslike sobbing.

(34:35):
I was like, I'm so homesick.
Like I miss you guys.
Like I don't know what I'm doing over here.
Like I'm just trying and they're like, you can come home.
Like it's okay.
I was like, and I knew I could always come home.
Like that's fine.
But I was like, no, I want to, oh, I do want to spend time with my grandma and grandpa andlike my other family too while I'm here.
I was like, I don't think I'm going to go back to her house.
So I didn't feel comfortable, honestly, just like with her, how she got.

(35:00):
So I wanted to go get my things.
And I think she, don't remember if I still had the key to her house or what, but I wentover there with my aunt.
um She was with a guy, I think who used to be like a police officer over there.
And so like he knew like the laws and stuff.

(35:21):
He was like if your mom doesn't let you in you can't go in whether you have a key or not Iwas like, but these are my items like I need my clothes and he was like I don't want you
to get in trouble.
He was like Yeah, he's like the way with how she is right now I don't want you to get introuble and then so we would go over there and we would see she was still up drinking and
then I closed the door and then like yeah, and then wait basically, so at one point Iremember like going over there opening the door and she

(35:48):
was not in the living room anymore and I got my stuff and took it to my uncle's house andI her no, no, she was out.
Yeah.
And like, I so skeezy doing it, but I was like, I need my things.
but they're so volatile when they're like that.
You don't know what you're gonna get.
it sometimes in the best way possible.

(36:09):
And I just, remember thinking and feeling guilty.
Like I know she's going to wake up in the morning and be like, where's her stuff?
But I mean, like her actions help lead us there.
I don't know.
I didn't stay with her after that.
I would stay with my uncle primarily.
Even like when I would go back and visit other times, she knew.

(36:31):
smart just to avoid it.
Did she ever apologize?
No, no.
She didn't do anything wrong.
I egged her on.
So, yeah.
That doesn't feel good.
No, it doesn't, but it was her and I understood, you know?
well as long as you know that yeah, you know don't blame yourself

(36:52):
No, I don't.
Every once in while I do feel a little guilty.
Like, oh god, I could have been a better kid.
And then my close friends will remind me, they're like, you did so much more than anybodyI know you do.
Especially being treated that way.
Yeah, you know
I could have easily just walked away, blocked her, never looked back.
Yep, absolutely.

(37:13):
So when did you stop going?
I would go back.
um I went back, think like the next summer, I went back.
um One of the years I went back with like one of my best friends.
We went there for like a month also, which was great.
We stayed with my uncle, but she like went with me to like my mom's house too though.

(37:35):
And like we would like cook for my mom and hang out with my mom and stuff.
And my mom really enjoyed that.
She always treated like other people better than me, which was fine.
It's just, you know, how it is.
Right.
But yeah, and my friend, she did so great with my mom too.
Even like when I was cleaning out my mom's things, I found a postcard that my friend hadwritten her and she's like, Lizbeth, I thought you would really like this postcard.

(37:56):
It was like Mount Rushmore, but like their butts on it or something.
And my mom was like vulgar.
She loved that stuff.
So she had kept it.
So I actually still have that.
oh Yeah, I don't know.
Was she, she wasn't working or anything?
No, so she I think was like basically like permanently like disabled because of her handsand her 30.

(38:18):
So she lived off the Swedish government.
Even when she lived over here, she would get assistance from them.
Oh, wow.
Okay, so she never really had like a career or anything like that?
No, not that I knew of like with her, no.
Are you guys still in contact at all?

(38:38):
Oh, she did.
Did you already tell me that?
I don't know.
Okay, I didn't think so.
don't think so.
she did.
ah So I would go back and visit and then I had my kid and I wanted to go but COVIDhappened.
Yeah, and I just, really thought she should meet her grandkid at least once, you know?
Yeah.

(39:00):
And she passed away two and a half weeks prior to that.
Yeah.
One of the years, the year I was getting married, she,
She was diagnosed with cancer for a second time.
So I flew over there and went to try to help her out, take her to get her pick line forher treatments, stayed with her after her first treatment.

(39:24):
That visit, I ended up staying with her the whole time.
oh And then we did some stuff.
She was.
She told me, she was like, yeah, the first time I went through this, I asked the doctor ifI could still drink and he said, yep.
And I was like, did you tell him how much you were drinking though?
She was like, nope.
I like, yeah, I didn't think so.

(39:44):
Did your relationship feel a little different when you were over there like taking care ofher?
It was a little different.
Like I did have a beer with her like during the day, you know, cause I was like, I don'tknow if this is going to be the last time I see you or not.
Cause you know, I've got to go back home.
And like, cause I was working full time.
She was not, um, this was the second time she had breast cancer.

(40:07):
The first time she had a mastectomy did well.
And I want to say this was almost like 10 years later when she had it again.
Um, and uh,
I think the prognosis for like living five years after being diagnosed with this one, itwas relatively like okay, like maybe like 70 % or something.
So when she passed away, I was like, did she have cancer again?

(40:30):
Like, is that what got her?
And over there, if there's like an unknown reason and no doctors are around or something,whenever you die, you just get an autopsy, which is great.
I think that should happen more.
A lot of people would have more peace of mind.
feel like.
No, they said that there was no evidence of cancer.
She was actually in the hospital and I remember like calling the nurse's station.

(40:53):
It was like 420.
I remember calling the nurse's station and I was like, hey, like this is my mom.
Like she did say I can talk to you guys because they wouldn't give any information.
I was like, I'm not like her family that's over there.
I'm her daughter from USA.
And I was like, I just want to know.
And then like they were just saying like, oh, she's just really tired.
They're running tests.
She's like, but she's actually downstairs smoking right now.

(41:14):
I was like, oh my.
She was like a chain smoker all day.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I guess she had a heart attack.
Yeah.
So she was discharged from the hospital on 421.
My uncle was made aware that she, guess, was like drunk in town.

(41:34):
Yeah.
Got her back to her place.
as soon as she got out the hospital.
Yeah, hammered.
Yeah, I have a picture of her actually after like getting either her pick line or one ofher treatments and she's like smoking a stoke and has a beer and is like stealing figs
from a tree and she honestly looks the happiest.
And I was like, it's like one of my favorite pictures just because it embodies her.

(41:57):
Yeah, possible.
But yeah, yeah.
so.
she would have thought it would have been like cirrhosis or something.
I honestly I was like it's either gonna be like lung cancer.
It's gonna be cirrhosis.
She's gonna something she was Yeah, I mean, yeah.
Well, I mean she was 66.
So I do think that's young.
Yeah, exactly But she lived so hard that honestly I was surprised she made it so long andlike my dad he passed away when he was 50 So like yeah

(42:27):
And this was like, I got the call two days after my 30th birthday.
My cousin called me and I just knew right away what it was.
I was actually in the store with my aunt and uncle on base and I just dropped to my knees.
And I'm not a dramatic person, at least in that sense.
That's just what happened.
I just remember thinking, I knew the day was coming.

(42:50):
I just didn't know when and I didn't know how I would feel.
Right.
uh
some relief for her because I'm like, God, she's not in pain anymore.
Like emotionally, physically, stuff like that.
Like I felt relief in that way, but I was still a little sad because it like, she didn'tget to meet her granddaughter.
And I, I know she would have wanted to, but I honestly like was nervous for thatinteraction too, because Luna's growing up in a safe home.

(43:15):
Right.
Yeah.
She doesn't know all that and she doesn't do well with people that don't seem.
safe and I mean, Luna was only like, think like, like two or three.
So, you know, was like, I was really nervous because I was like, she, she likes who shelikes.
And I know my mom wouldn't have been who she liked, you know.

(43:37):
and then she might have been offended or hurt.
Yeah, and I didn't want that to be her impression.
And I just wanted to protect both of them, I guess, in that sense.
Yeah, I think it's so when our like so with my in my family, you know, I separated myselffrom my whole family.
Yeah.

(43:57):
To like my mom.
No, no.
A lot of them have passed away since.
But no, I didn't do it.
I know when my mom was 67 and she passed away um from COVID.
Oh, man.
My stepdad and her both 10 days apart.
But I had already removed myself from them.

(44:19):
That was 2020 since 2010.
Yeah, like from the whole family.
It was just way too toxic all the things but I remember feeling like Probably how you feltin some ways too or you're like, oh my god, like you feel so bad for them Yeah, feel bad
that their life was like that.
They never really like lived.
Yeah and Selfishly they never said sorry

(44:44):
Yeah.
We're gonna feel sorry.
So I don't know.
they sure as hell did you know like I can imagine that you were probably all over theplace with emotions because I know how it was for me and
I think I just knew I was never gonna get that.

(45:04):
So if I didn't have that expectation, I wouldn't get hurt.
But that's I had to figure that out early.
Yeah.
And see me for whatever reason, I'm 49 now and I mean this was 2020 when it happened.
I still thought in my head that she'd ended up being like, oh, I have two beautifulgranddaughters and a daughter and like.

(45:25):
We always hope for the best.
Yeah.
You think that maybe they'll just bump their head and realize one day, but then you neverget it.
Exactly.
Yeah.
And you would think like, oh, you, they would want to be more present.
They would want to do these things, but.
Yeah.
That's we're different with them though.
We break the cycle.
We do better.
We're the parents we needed.

(45:47):
You sure did break the cycle, it sounds like.
Yeah, I'm very open and honest with my daughter too.
I mean, she's only six, but like I talked to her like a little mini peer.
She knows things.
The other day, the other day we bake cookie or cupcakes.
Cause my dad's birthday was the 13th.
He would have been 71 and my mom's birthday is actually today.

(46:09):
So she would have been 70.
And, and so like, I try to like bake with her in between the weeks just to do like alittle birthday shindig for them.
And so we I just took her to Sweden for a couple of weeks in the summer and my grandma isstill alive over there and then yeah she's so cute too like typical Swedish lady.

(46:31):
Yeah.
is Inga Lill.
She's the cutest cat lady.
Love it.
I heard it's I was over there and I was like why did I move to Chattanooga?
I should have moved here but then like I would be so homesick for my aunt and uncle.
I love that you're so close to them.
I know sometimes like over the last couple years I haven't like my like mental health wasin a really low place.

(46:55):
It's gotten better um But I haven't like been as open with them and talked to them as muchlately, but I yeah, I don't know
Went to go visit them a couple weeks ago.
They took Luna for a week and a half to do.
She went on like a little grandparent tour in North Carolina with all her grandparents,which was hard on me because I had just spent like two whole weeks with her.

(47:16):
It was just us against the world.
And then she was gone for three weeks and I've never spent more than like four nights awayfrom her until then.
I was like, what do I do with all my time?
I guess I'll pick up extra shifts.
She did.
She had a great time.
Yeah.
But we were baking these cupcakes the other day and I was like, yeah, we're gonna do themfor grandma and grandpa and she was like, but grandpa's dead.

(47:41):
Like, okay.
Yes, he is.
was like, so is grandma.
She's like, no, she's not.
We just saw her.
And I was like, oh baby, that's my grandma.
I'm talking about your grandma.
She was like, oh.
I was just like, I don't know.
They are, they're so funny too.
Like just click with it.
It's so funny to me.
She keeps me on my toes.

(48:01):
But yeah, like she, like I don't like tell her like the bad things.
I don't want her to know about them.
Like if she ever truly gets curious when she's older, I'll talk to her and tell her.
um But.
definitely had those talks about alcoholism.
I I've struggled.
wouldn't say like alcoholic wise, but like I definitely will throw down for multiplenights at a time for some periods of time.

(48:27):
Actually, after my mom passed away, you think I wouldn't turn to alcohol, but I was like,I'm going to have a beer for her.
And then slowly it turned into like an all day, everyday thing.
And then I was like, oh man, I am like just right there with her.
How'd you break that?
Like in the fall, I was like slurring every night.
Yeah.
And I was like, oh man.
Were you depressed?
Yeah.
uh

(48:48):
um Yeah.
I remember thinking I got really like, I never got drunk around my family.
And this was like New Year's Eve, got pretty drunk around them.
I think I drank like a pitcher of beer by myself.
Yeah, at the bowling alley.
And I was like, what am I doing?
And I just remember thinking like, I can't be like this.
I don't want to be like this.

(49:09):
um I don't want my kid to think this is normal.
Um, even though I like it, love the taste of it, just like them in that sense.
Uh, but yeah, I just remember thinking like, okay, I'm going to do better next year.
Next year starts tomorrow.
I'm to do better.
I'm going to limit myself to like one drink a month or something like that.

(49:30):
And I struggled at the beginning, but I did it.
I did it.
Yeah.
And I think like Mother's day, had a beer with.
I took Luna to like a little brewery, had a beer and then I didn't drink anymore.
I think for like the rest of the year maybe.
Yeah, I did really well.

(49:51):
I was very proud of myself.
I worked hard.
Yeah, I voiced that I needed help with that though and had some support at least.
So yeah, that was good at that time.
And then the following year, this is what 2024?
think maybe I drank maybe two drinks all year or something.

(50:13):
Like, yeah.
Like it just wasn't like on my priority.
Yeah, I was doing well at like one point I had started running then I fell off of thatbecause, but I was like, when am I supposed to like this?
thought, I mean, honestly, I do better mentally, like when I run, so I should probablylike get back into it.
But I was like, everybody talks about how great this.

(50:33):
I was like, and I do hop from like one addiction to another, which is like an issue.
like, I was like.
at one point like working out I think unhealthy to a certain degree.
all normal too with addiction, you know how goes.
Yeah.
exactly.
Unfortunately, yeah.
So I did really well with stopping drinking.
So I was very proud of myself.

(50:54):
I think I did like maybe drink like on her birthday or something like that.
And then that was it really.
I did good.
Yeah, well, you're definitely a survivor.
You've had a lot against you.
Your whole life.
I feel like I did at least.
Sometimes I feel like it's not fair to say that because I'm like there are people in somany worse situations.
But for me that was like my worst situation.

(51:17):
Why am I comparing myself to other people?
We all have our own hardship.
Even the happiest person, their hardship could be they didn't get the shoes they wanted orsomething.
people go through a lot less hardship and they're a freaking mess.
Yeah, exactly.
But that's their hardship.
And like, who am I to judge?
That is so different.

(51:38):
Like, we all respond differently.
We're all individuals.
We deserve to feel the way we feel.
I'm proud of you.
That's awesome.
Yes, you're doing amazing.
Yeah, I feel really good.
Yeah, I don't know.
I feel like I've been thriving too since moving to Chattanooga, which has been great.
I like I've been able to like be myself.

(51:59):
I actually have friends here.
I struggled where I last lived.
Oh, good.
I had a couple of good friends there, but like I needed more, especially when I wasgrieving and going through things.
I was asking people to like hang out and then they'd be like.
Yeah, let's do it and then be like, oh, I'm so tired, but like not like replayinganything.
And then a couple of days later I'd see, you know, a group of girls out.

(52:23):
Like I want to be there.
Like becoming a mom was one of the hardest things because you truly, it's like theloneliest time.
Yeah.
He's fantastic.
Okay.
We're not very open about all this yet, but we did split up a couple years ago, but livedtogether up until very recently.

(52:48):
He's my best friend.
He's a great guy.
just...
That makes me so happy for your daughter too.
That's awesome.
It works out really well.
mean, like, yeah, we have our issues and stuff, but I don't know.
He's a wonderful being.
uh Very thankful that like that's who I was married to and had a kid with.

(53:09):
Yeah, we just, our journey turned out a little different than we both expected.
And, you know, I kind of hate it because I had hoped and dreamed for different things andit just, sometimes our brains and our hearts change.
uh
and life just happens.
Yeah, I mean, I think he's a wonderful person.

(53:30):
He's a fantastic dad.
Luna's so blessed.
So yeah, he so he ended up losing his job and I was like, can we move?
And I felt so guilty for feeling so much relief.
But I like where we last lived, I just didn't feel like I like truly fit in there.
um Like I would go to work and patients would be like, you're not from here.

(53:51):
Where are you from?
And I was like, does it matter?
Jeez, yeah.
Does it matter?
But like it did matter to some people.
uh I was just different.
I couldn't quite be myself.
And he had a wonderful job opportunity and you know, he ended up moving up and I was like,yeah, like we can still stay here.
But in my heart, I always, I knew I wanted to like do something different, be somewheredifferent.

(54:15):
And then, um I don't know if that was part of the reason like why we kind of like driftedapart in certain senses.
I don't know.
um
But yeah, I was like, I'm so sorry to feel this way, but can we move?
Because I don't want to just move away with our kid.
yeah, no, he's a great dad.

(54:36):
He's going to be around.
He needs to be around.
She needs him.
um
that you could talk to him like that, that you guys were so close.
Yeah.
And he was like, yeah, let's do it.
I was like, F yeah.
I don't know where to go.
I had come out to Chattanooga a couple of times and I was like, you know, this is kind offun.
Like a little hipster vibe, like near the downtown stuff.

(54:59):
And they had great schools there.
That was another thing too.
I wanted her, she loved school.
You know, like him and I, met in college.
School wasn't for him, so he didn't finish.
I don't blame him.
If I wouldn't have been as successful, I don't know what I'd be doing because I didn'tstudy.
I didn't buy any nursing textbooks.

(55:20):
You didn't.
I was terrible.
Yeah.
I wish.
No, I just wing it.
I don't know.
guess I'm smart enough to get by at least.
was hard as hell and I had to study my ass off.
I remember this one girl like studying and like we were kind of making similar grades andI remember her like just throwing shade sometimes and I was like, sorry.

(55:45):
I was like, man.
I was like, I'm great.
Like I'm thankful you're like somebody that's like taking it serious.
I'm very like kinesthetic learner.
I like to learn with my hands and doing things.
And so like school reading, it's just boring to me.
Like I just, I don't know.
But Luna loves school and I'm trying to foster that in her and I want her to go to goodschools that like will do that.

(56:08):
Like we'll pick up the slack where her dad and I might not exactly fulfill.
I mean, I do try to hype it up too though.
I'm like, yeah, school's great.
Like, yeah, let's read.
Like we go to the library, let's get books and like that.
um And yeah, so Chanukah had a really, really good elementary school there.
I very much liked it.

(56:30):
found a house in the area of that school, but also kind of close to downtown where wecould walk to the park and stuff.
And then they had the Level One Trauma Center.
And then for her dad, it was like, there's so many job opportunities here.
You can do the same thing or maybe something different.
And he was like, yeah, sounds great.

(56:52):
I was like, all right, let's do it.
So.
Yeah, do you have trouble ever like not trouble but how do you feel like when addictioncomes through the ER constantly?
I think I have a soft spot when they're not assholes, honestly.
right.
Because like, yeah, you can have this problem.

(57:14):
It's an illness just like everything else is.
Sometimes we can't physically see it, but like, yeah.
Sometimes I feel like I advocate for it a little more.
um I had a patient recently and I got report and I was like, this is a patient I need tosee first.
And somebody had had like a seizure.
um
And they were like, oh, it's probably from like the withdrawal or whatever.

(57:36):
And I feel like it wasn't handled quite so great.
And like that was the patient I spent the most time on because I was like, no, this iswhat's causing this.
Like we need to fix this.
Advocated for this patient, tried to get more stuff for them and then got them to wherethey needed to go at least.
So that was good.
But yeah, I don't know.
I've had patients where I told them, I'm like, I'm not here to judge you.

(57:59):
Like I'm here to take care of you.
I'm going to take care of you the same way I would take care of the president of theUnited States.
Like if you need me to be a VIP nurse, I'm not it.
I'm going to treat everybody the same.
One of my previous jobs, I remember my manager coming out and like taking care of apatient who's an inmate.
And he was like, oh, they make the, you know, other nurses a little nervous or something.

(58:25):
I don't remember exactly how it was worded.
And I was like, give me that patient.
Hey.
Yeah, I'm fine.
And they were like, are you sure?
I was like, yeah, I've taken care of plenty of inmates in my lifetime.
Yeah.
When they're shackled, they're not going to do anything to me, but like, too, like theyneed love.
At some point in their life, they didn't feel loved.
I'm sure like.
And they're used to getting treated like that.

(58:47):
Like alienated.
come into a shift and like fussed at cops.
I'm like, you need to loosen those shackles.
This is not humane.
I these are way too tight.
Yeah.
And it's like, can the patients like, thank you so much.
I'm like, you're my patient.
I'm going to take care of you the same way I take care of everybody.
the cops give attitude or are they just?

(59:08):
those shackles.
Yeah.
Cause I'm like, can't even get a finger in there.
And I'm like, and you can see like red marks.
I'm like, that's not nice.
Right.
At one point, my mom was an inmate.
I would not have wanted her treated that way just because of her wearing orange.
Like, no, we're all human.
Are you guys still seeing a lot of fentanyl ODIs?
there are quite a few like ODs.

(59:30):
I feel like I don't always see that.
I feel like they kind of like go to the Bay more and I'm like usually in other areas.
I'll work the Bay, but not always.
Um, I do.
eh I, it's something I had always wanted to do, but I always lived in small towns thatdidn't have this.
So I like never got into it.
I was like, if I'm going to do this move, I'm going to do it right.

(59:51):
Um, one of the reasons why I actually wanted to go to Chattanooga though, is that theyhave a homeless clinic.
And they were hiring a nurse and I was like, that's what I want to do.
Like I felt called to do that.
I was like, this is what I want to do.
My uncle took me to the soup kitchen growing up to like volunteer and stuff and like justlove the population.

(01:00:12):
Cause like if my mom didn't have the assistance that she did, I've been one of them, youknow?
Like I can be okay right now, but who's to say in a year I won't be.
So um I think it's amazing.
I love the interview.
um I was like, this is what I want to do.

(01:00:34):
But then the ER came in and offered me the job.
And I just remember kind of being happy but conflicted because I was like, no, I reallywant to do this job.
I think it's wonderful.
I think the resources are great.
um But I was like, I'm only as young as I'm going to be right now.
So I need to take this other job.
And I remember calling the lady and being like, I'm so sorry.

(01:00:56):
I felt so bad.
And she was like, if you ever want a pure end job, just let me know.
Oh.
Yeah.
And I was like, I want to, I need to.
Now that I'm like mentally in a better place, I like want to reach out.
But I think I might just see if I can just at least volunteer or do something.
like proud mom moment a couple of weeks ago, I took Luna to the library and this man cameup to like the window and he's like, do you have any money?

(01:01:20):
And I was like, no, I was like, I have a pop tart.
And he was like, I can't have sugar based stuff.
And like, I don't care what story you give me.
Cause like, you know, you might be telling me the truth.
might not be.
Like, I'm going to help you if I can.
But like, that was the only way I could help him at the moment.
And I was like, I'm so sorry.
And then she goes, mom.

(01:01:42):
Cause you know, every year she'll get like money for like birthdays and stuff.
And like, I've got it all saved up for her and then in a jar.
She's like, mom, I have plenty of money at home.
She's like, we can go home and I can put it in my wallet and we can come back and find himtomorrow and give him some money.
And she's like, I need to donate it anyways.
And I was like, oh my God, my baby.

(01:02:02):
I was like, oh my God.
was like a girl after my heart, like, uh, like proud mom moment.
Look at her like six years old and thinking about others and like, how can I help?
Yeah.
And then I was like, all right, let's start looking.
So we like dug through different areas of my car because usually I do have like a pocket,like 20 somewhere in case like I ever run out of gas.
He lingering a little bit.
He had like walked around a little bit and then we found it.

(01:02:27):
We found some cash.
Yeah.
And so she's like, good mom, like let's go before he gets too far.
So we like chased this man down.
I was like, I'm sure we look crazy.
And he was like asking some guy and you can
I felt like the guy was maybe a little uncomfortable with it.
then so we're like, sir, sir.
And he turns around and she beams and hands him the money.

(01:02:49):
And then we're walking away.
She's like, I hope that helps him maybe get a gas for a car and then maybe he can get ajob and get a house.
And then it was the cutest thing.
And I was like, baby, was like, I love that you think that way.
And then sometimes I'm like, so.
Sometimes I feel like I'm a little literal and like a little bit of a realist.
And I was like, yeah, I was like, baby, I was like, he mentioned he's disabled.

(01:03:10):
He's not, you know, always able to work.
I was like, so I was like, but maybe this will boost his luck a little bit.
Like good things will happen.
I was so happy.
like, oh, I love this so much.
And I was like, maybe like her and I can start like making sandwiches or something andtrying to like pass them out or something.

(01:03:31):
I love that.
because like she has the heart for it too and I think it would just be something good forus to do.
Yeah, yeah, so when you were struggling recently, what did you do to make it better?
I...
Was it depression?
Yeah, like I've struggled with depression, gosh, for the longest time, like on and off wasdiagnosed with major depressive disorder, recurrent episodes.

(01:03:58):
um Sometimes like it's hard to talk about, you know, with some people.
I was often told to just pray about it, which I do like to pray.
I do like to try to make peace, but sometimes like I need other help too.
For sure.
Um been on and off meds for it.
I'm actually not medicated right now except for like my adhd every once in a while I gettoo squirrely.

(01:04:22):
I'm like, okay, I'm gonna take this.
Um, but I think it's a little spice in life.
Um, I wanted to change environmental factors.
Um, I just got in a slump before I was at yeah.
Um, yeah
Wow, no meds right now for that.
I'd be afraid for everyone around me if I went off.

(01:04:43):
I do struggle and stuff.
have great coworkers that are like friends now and like I finally feel like I can fit inand like I can be myself and like people actually love me for me and accept me for me.
was like the perfect change, the perfect move.

(01:05:05):
I love that for you guys.
I'm very happy.
um Even though like I do have my days still and like have my moments throughout my daysand stuff.
But overall, I'm much happier.
um And like, I went to one of my really good friends wedding uh last week.
And my other good friends were there and his wife commented, she's like, look happier.

(01:05:27):
She's like, what's different?
And I was like, yeah, and like that.
like the best compliment ever.
never been told that.
Really?
Yeah, and I was like, my gosh, like it's outwardly showing now.
Of course.
You know, like it's great.
So I don't know.
actually, I am, I do struggle though sometimes because I'm like, my gosh, I'm still like avery negative person towards myself, but I've got really good friends, got really good

(01:05:58):
support.
um People that remind me I'm doing great.
Constantly I have cheerleaders everywhere Yeah, and it's really good.
I have people now like that I work with that are like, do you want to hang out?
I'm like don't get my hopes up You don't even understand and like no, but they're justhanging They hang out with me I had a friend It's so funny like my like previous jobs.

(01:06:25):
I've always been like the baby and Here I am NOT the baby
I'm like, I'm over here.
like, I've been a nurse for 10 and a half years.
like, some of these kids have been in like a nurse for like half a year now.
And so some of my really like one of my really closest friends at my new job is Ethan andhe's 25.
But he's amazing.
He's such a good soul, has a social work background.

(01:06:48):
Really?
Yeah.
And it's just like just a good person.
And he always like cheers me on.
And like if something happens, he'll call me.
And it's it's great because I'm like, oh, like
I have a safe person.
He's my safe person.
And I'd like to think I'm his.
He'll call me if something happens, even during shift.
And I call him back.

(01:07:08):
like, I'm so sorry.
Are you OK?
What's going on?
Because it's just as awesome to be someone else's person too.
You feel like you're giving back.
Yeah, and it's like, it's not just me dumping on people.
People trust me and can talk to me and feel open to be themselves to me.
But one time, and this meant so much to me, because like I said, becoming a mom was reallyhard.

(01:07:33):
was like the loneliest time.
People don't hang out with you, especially if they don't have kids.
They don't quite understand.
They're just not there in their life yet.
And he was like, hey, he's like, I want you to know, we don't have to go out.
and get a drink or something.
We can go out and go to the park.
I know Luna's with you.

(01:07:54):
You have Luna.
Yeah, he was like, so if you ever want to do anything, we can do whatever with her.
And I was like, look at a friend accepting me, not just for me, but me as a mom.
And my little offspring.
They're great.
it's such a good like message for everyone to just all the shit you've been through andyou know, struggling with mental health and all the things and you just you keep going

(01:08:22):
until you find what you need.
Yeah, it's great.
I've always said, there's been a couple of times where I could tell Clint, I don't havehope anymore.
I'm worried.
He knew that and then helped me the best way he knew how.
uh I um have friends that work and sometimes I repost the negative things that I think arefunny because you know, trauma.

(01:08:54):
I have a friend at work, she's like, hey, I've seen some of the stuff you've beenreposting.
Are you OK?
OK?
I want you to know the world's a better place with you in it.
And if you ever need to reach out, please call me anytime.
And it just means so much that I finally found my people.
Yes, I have my family, but I have people that care about me too as friends.

(01:09:17):
And I don't know.
Because they choose to.
Exactly.
know, like, ugh, that's awesome.
It's awesome.
And like I have something I've always been like craving for the last, I don't know howmany years and like I have it.
I mean, I do have really good friends back home.
Like I have a friend who accepts me for who I am, even if like we have our differences.
at the end of the day, I know I can call her and she would show up if I needed her to.

(01:09:43):
Yeah.
So I do have those really good friends, but now it is nice to actually have the friends inthe area that I'm in.
Right.
So.
So what would you say to people out there that maybe are in the same, like the same wayyou felt before you went to Chattanooga where you were like not feeling it there, you
didn't feel like you had anybody and you know, you're depressed.

(01:10:06):
What kind of hope?
I don't know.
always, I try to like hope that tomorrow gets better.
But like, if you know, like that's not where you need to be.
Or if like, you know that it's just not working for you.
Like I was in an area for like eight years and like, I even tried even like had a housebuilt and I was like, maybe this will make me feel like this is my roots.

(01:10:27):
Just didn't.
Like if you have the means go visit or like look places up online that like align withyour thoughts, your beliefs, stuff like that.
I feel like.
you need to find a place where you can feel safe being who you are.
um People laugh because they're like, you came to Chattanooga because it's moreprogressive?

(01:10:48):
Yes, I did.
And I feel comfortable being me.
People don't judge me.
I'm so used to patients being like, you have tattoos.
And why would you do that to yourself?
that, and the other.
Here, even the grannies hype me up.
They're like, my god, I love that.
I'm
you guys are cute, I'm gonna take you home.

(01:11:09):
But yeah, no, I just find the place where you think you belong or like that fits in withyour beliefs and your thoughts.
Stuff like that, I don't know, it gets better.
I know some days it doesn't feel like it will, but you're gonna have a sunny day one day.
if we can always just try to remember, but it's so hard when we're going through it, whenwe're right in it, that usually the feelings are temporary.

(01:11:35):
But sometimes we're so in it that it's hard to see that or even think that.
Exactly.
And it's just so clouded and like somebody's gonna miss you and you don't know who thatsomebody is.
So like just reach out to, I don't know.
And it's nice to know that I have friends that are like reaching out to me like, hey, I'venoticed this about you.

(01:11:58):
love that you're posting something and they're like, yeah, if more people would just checkin.
Yeah, I know that's like, I think things are getting better.
think like, you know, like when I was in high school and stuff, it was still very taboo tolike have those thoughts and to be open about it.

(01:12:19):
I want my daughter to feel like she can always talk to me about anything.
I mean, even since I mean, she's little now, but like even when she was smaller, I wouldtell her.
Like if you need to have a safe conversation, like even if you did something like right onthe walls or something, say mommy, I need a safe conversation.
I was like, nothing will happen at that time.

(01:12:40):
We'll talk it through and we'll think about what needs to happen afterwards.
Like I just want her to feel like she can be who she is.
Yeah, I'm trying.
that's so awesome.
Well, I'm glad you came and shared your story because I think it'll touch a lot of people.
I hope so.

(01:13:01):
At least maybe one person.
Hey, right, that's all we get out of it.
It's okay, it's one person because people just need to hear some of these things when theydon't feel like there's Because you were in some pretty hopeless situations.
Oh yeah, there's plenty of times I didn't want to be here anymore either.
I'd be like, I'm done.

(01:13:22):
So, I don't know.
I am, I really am.
Life's really, really good right now.
Thank you for having me.