Losing Her Husband to a Fentanyl Overdose with Adriana Sansam

Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Hi and welcome back to Beyond the Monsters.
Today I have Adriana.
Did I say that right?
You did, yes.
Such a pretty name.
Thank you.
And you came from Texas.
I came from Arizona.
I was in Texas.
I did a little mini road trip.

(00:30):
All right, so you were in Texas.
I was.
Right before here.
And then you just, did you fly in last night?
Yeah.
All right.
So, I mean, we've talked through social media, like that's how I met you through socialmedia and saw, you know, a little bit of your story um and just that you're really
inspiring people.
So I want to definitely have you come on here and talk about it, you know, because Ithink.

(00:56):
a lot of what you've been through.
don't know the details.
We'll find out today.
But I'm excited for you to share, know, I know it's painful, but I think it's really goodfor people to hear.
Yeah, I agree.
feel like it's not talked about enough.
So, you know, these things happen to people and they kind of just everyone out of it.

(01:19):
um I feel like that's more damaging than healing.
So, right.
Yeah.
If my voice can help at least one person, you know, be like, Oh, I can talk about it.
For sure.
agree.
Yeah, and you're relatable.
Unfortunately.
Yeah to a lot of people Yep, and that's something I didn't have when I was a young widowSo we were just talking about like I was 25.

(01:42):
Yeah when I was a widow, so you were what 20?
29.
Okay.
Yeah.
Yeah, so Still it's all the same you have little kids.
Mm-hmm.
So why don't you start from there?
Just like tell us a little bit about like not you don't even start with what happened, butmaybe
Tell us a little bit about him and the kids and like life.

(02:03):
So, um let's see, I am originally from California and I moved to Arizona with anex-boyfriend.
um My ex-boyfriend and I broke up, obviously it didn't work out.
And um I lived with some family afterwards for maybe about a year in Arizona and then Imoved into my own house and um

(02:31):
I lived with a couple of my cousins, they were my roommates, and we liked to party.
So we had parties every like Friday, Saturday, just house parties all the time.
um
is normal in your 20s and single.
Yeah.
ah It was just a good time.
So one night, um this was my cousin's party.

(02:53):
So someone knocks on the door and I like open the door and I like move to the side and I'mlike, come on in, you know, like I didn't know them, but I didn't know a lot of her
friends.
So I just assumed, you know, and here I am letting strangers into my house.
And it was Eric, Eric and his roommate.
And they had a bottle of, I think it was uh like Bacardi.

(03:13):
And they were like, hey, like we just moved in down the street.
There were two houses down.
They're like, we heard the music and saw the cars and you know, like we wanted to comeintroduce ourselves.
oh
just showed up.
They just showed up.
So yeah, that was the beginning of it all.
Yeah, it was really fun.
He, they came in and Eric was only there.

(03:36):
I think maybe he took like one shot with us.
And then he was like, I have to work in the morning.
So I got to go his roommate, Connor, which I'm still really good friends with right tillthis day.
He stayed like all night, but um yeah.
So that's just kind of how it started.
I would go running every day back in the day.
was nice when I could do that.

(03:56):
Right.
ah And we lived in a cul-de-sac.
So in order to like get out of the street, I had to pass his house.
And he was the type of guy that was like always outside doing something, working on hiscars.
Like he was very hands-on.
ah And so I would see him every day on my run and he would joke about it afterwards sayinglike, she only like, she ran past my house on purpose because she wanted me to see her.

(04:23):
I'm like, that was the way out.
I'm sorry.
Don't flatter yourself too much, buddy.
Yeah, but yeah, and then we got each other's info.
I mean, I don't even think we got each other's number until like later.
I mean, I say later, but everything happened pretty quickly.
But we all just became really good friends.

(04:44):
Like me and my two cousins and him and his roommate, like we would literally go to eachother's houses all the time without even asking, like walk in, we all became best friends.
It was like the best summer ever.
em
Yeah, we started dating officially.
It was July 5th of 2017 and we met that April.

(05:06):
So it was like very quickly.
I think it was like the end of April.
And this is the crazy part.
We started dating July, the beginning of July, and we were like, you know what we want to
baby.
We literally started trying to have a baby in August.
Yeah, we just knew I remember I told my cousin and she was like, Okay, that's what youwant.

(05:32):
So yeah, he moved in and yeah, we were trying.
And then, you know, it wasn't just that easy.
We ended up getting pregnant, I think in like February, the following February.
Got married on July 5, our one year
anniversary, like dating anniversary, which is also his dad's birthday.

(05:53):
His dad passed away when he was young, so it was just a special day.
Yeah, fast forward.
We had Emmy in October of 2018.
ah
And then we had my son two years later and then Riley.

(06:13):
But going back, um when I met him, I didn't know he was an addict.
Like we hung out a few times and I remember like me and my cousin were at their house andwe were like going through his desk for some reason.
Like we were looking for something and he was in there with us.

(06:35):
And I opened this, I think it was like a flute.
So I opened the case where the flute was in and there was a needle in there.
And I was like, oh, what is this?
And he was like, oh shit.
And I was like, what is it?
And he was like, okay.
He was like, I used to be a heroin addict.
And I think I even like maybe laughed.
Cause he was such a jokester.

(06:57):
the biggest jokester.
Like always messing around with people.
He was just like the life of the party.
Um, all like didn't like seeing anyone sad always just, you know, like he was one of akind.
He was, he was, man, I miss it.
He was just so crazy and fun and outgoing.

(07:17):
And yeah, so he was like, no, I'm serious.
And I was like, I don't believe you.
And he was like, Connor, come here.
His roommate, he was like, um, why is there a needle in here?
And he was like, yeah, he,
he's a recovering heroin addict.
I was like, oh shit.

(07:37):
Me growing up, I'm so naive to drugs at this point.
I've never, I mean, I've seen and heard about the hardcore drugs on movies and stuff likethat.
But my family never talked about it.
I never really knew anyone that did that.
Me, myself, other than smoking weed here and there, I didn't know about it.

(08:02):
And I didn't know about the addiction aspect of it either, like how, you know, controllingthat can be.
So yeah, he was like, yeah, I, you know, I'm in recovery, this and that.
um This was before we even officially started dating.
So I was like, okay.
um He was a big drinker too.

(08:22):
So I don't know.
I just never really thought it was that big of a deal because...
You know, here he is like still partying every day and like getting drunk.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So, yeah, I thought I sound so dumb, but I really thought it was something you could justbe like, okay, I'm done.
And he hasn't done it in years.

(08:45):
You know, like he's not going to do it again.
And usually, if you are familiar with addiction, might think, how is he drinking?
Because that's usually a gateway.
which later on that was constantly an argument.
Once I was, you know, once I knew, I was more educated on that.

(09:08):
yeah, because I mean, like I said, like me and my cousins were in our party stage too.
We'd literally drink and get fucked up every weekend.
you know, and it was just fun.
And so they moved in next door.
We were all doing it together.
Like he's not doing drugs anymore.
He's just drinking.

(09:29):
You know, like how naive, but yeah.
but you don't know what you don't know, you know?
Yeah, not at all.
yeah, fast forward, we have our daughter.
em That was October 2018.
So that's our first kid.
em I got really, really bad postpartum depression.

(09:52):
So bad.
But again, I didn't know about that, you know, so I've struggled with depression,honestly, like my whole life.
em So I was just like, that was just me, you know, like some things, you know, it's just
Same old, same old.
Did that start from childhood?
was it rough?
Yes.
Yeah.
So it did start from childhood, uh have like quite a few childhood traumas.

(10:19):
It got so bad.
Actually, my depression when I was 20, uh I did attempt suicide.
And obviously, I'm still here.
But um yeah, it was really bad to the point where I was like, no, I don't want to be hereanymore.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So it's just something I've struggled with forever.
um

(10:40):
But it was bad.
I remember when she turned a year old too, I just still did not feel like myself.
But I didn't go to get any help.
I was just like, I think it was, I didn't want to feel like I wasn't a good mom.

(11:04):
thinking that I can't handle my daughter or like I'm not happy and I just had a baby, likeI should be happy.
I was so embarrassed.
I didn't really wanna like tell anyone.
How were you feeling?
Were you laying in bed every day?
Yes.
some people are so unfamiliar with this.
is.
Yeah, yeah.
So I would like lay in bed all day.

(11:26):
uh My daughter was a really good sleeper, fortunately.
So I would sleep, would sleep literally sleep on the baby sleeps and um like there werewhen she was like a few months, maybe like after six or seven months, uh like whenever she
was like sitting up, I remember I would like go in the living room and

(11:47):
put on Peppa Pig and I would sleep on the couch and she would literally just it all day.
Yeah.
Or I had like a big playpen, like with all her toys that she would be like content withand I would put her in there and I'd sleep on the couch.
Like it was so bad.
And ah I do have another cousin that lived in Arizona at the time and she had a daughterabout a month before I had Emmy.

(12:11):
So
I would try to get out of the house and like go.
together.
And just like being around people.
Like I just remember thinking like, I just want to go home.
Like I don't want to be here.
em He is working a lot.
So I should mention he em ran, he owned and operated his own moving company.

(12:34):
So he, I mean, he was busy.
He's working a lot.
em
We live in Arizona at this time.
you know, summers are hot and he's working all day.
He's just working his ass off all day, moving people's houses, So he comes home, you know,he's tired and I'm like, I don't want a mom anymore.

(12:57):
So here you go.
Like watch the baby.
I'm going to go sleep, even though I've been sleeping all day, you know?
But it was so bad to the point where like, I would make up things like, no, I did this andthis and this, cause I didn't want to, you know,
I him to know how bad it was.
Yeah, and em I remember too, like this still kind of makes me feel like a shitty mom.

(13:23):
But I feel like when Emmy was born, you know, everyone has those moments like they seetheir baby and they're like, my gosh, like, it's just like an aha moment.
I feel like I didn't get that.
And that's where it all started.
Because I was
not saying that I didn't love her.
I obviously felt all these things, but there was a part of me that was like, I'm notdeserving of this, I guess.

(13:48):
I don't know.
So that's where it all started from.
ah But yeah, so it was really bad.
I didn't end up getting help until, or even being like, yeah, I had postpartum depressionuntil I was pregnant with my son, because I got pregnant with my son, and he was a little
over a year.

(14:09):
Maybe she was like a year and three months or something.
ah
And yeah, so that's when I like kind of admitted it.
I was like, OK, I need help.
And plus, I'm pregnant.
Like, I can't.
I just just feel like sh**.
But at this point, yeah, I feel like my...

(14:31):
mood obviously like rubbed off on him and he's having a hard time with work and I'm notworking.
So it was just like a really stressful time for him.
And then I remember for spring break, well, no one was in school, but it was like aroundspring break time.
I was really sick during my pregnancies.

(14:54):
And um so my mom was like, you can come out here.
She lived in California.
She's like, you can come out here for a week.
um Eric had like a super busy schedule that week so she was like you can come out here soI can help you watch Emmy like while you just relax and I was like, okay, so um I Do I go

(15:14):
out there for a week and then a Couple days before I'm about to come back home.
I just had a weird feeling like I just get these I feel like I'm really in tune witheverything around me
Yeah, I just got this really weird feeling.
I knew Eric had a really big job that day.

(15:34):
It's like 10.30, so I'm like calling him and he's not answering me.
And, you know, I'm like, I just hope you made it to your job.
Like all this stuff.
And then he called me back later on.
It was like 5 p.m.
and yeah.
And he was like, sorry.
Like I've been working all day.
So like I didn't have my phone.

(15:55):
Like it's been busy.
Was that abnormal though for him?
Yes and no.
he would, like if he was working, he wouldn't just be like on his phone.
So it was, it was pretty normal.
Like if he was on the job.
so I was like, okay.
Like I just wanted to make sure that you like were awake and up and stuff.
Cause I know this was like your biggest job of the week.
Um, so then a couple of days later I get home and he has like a gash on his forehead and,I was like, what?

(16:28):
happened to you and I think he had like a black eye kind of I don't even remember but yeahI do remember the gash and then maybe like a black eye and I was like what happened to you
and he was like nothing like me and Connor would were just like ah messing around and hehit me or something or we were wrestling or something his old roommate that was for him
yeah they worked together so I was like oh I said why he was like I don't rememberhonestly like we just were

(16:57):
we got in a fight and I was like, okay, I said, I'm gonna go ask him.
And he's like, no, no, no, no, don't like we're not talking to each other like blah, blah,blah.
And I was like, it's okay.
I was like, I wanna know, I'm gonna go ask him.
And he was like, no, don't.
And he like started this whole thing and then like changed subjects.
So I didn't end up asking him later on or that day.
um So, and then I remember asking him like, are you taking like pills or something?

(17:23):
Like, is there something you wanna tell me?
Cause I feel like you're just
off like he was and he was like no like why would you say that blah blah blah well um fastforward maybe a few weeks he was high at that point i find out later on um and i find out
later on too that that day when i called him and he didn't answer me that night before wasthe night he relapsed he injected that night he was on the

(17:54):
sitting on the toilet and he passed out with the needle and he fell and hit the corner ofthe, what's it called?
Like the sink.
And he said he didn't wake up until he called me.
So he indeed did miss that job.

(18:15):
yeah.
And I was like, oh my God.
So you're just like lying on the bathroom floor.
you know, like, yeah.
How'd you find out?
Later on he told me, because I was like asking him when, like once I found out um that hewas on drugs, um and the way I found out too, uh he was just, like I said, was always an

(18:45):
outside person, right?
Like always fixing cars in the garage, this and that, but it was like,
too much at this point.
He was never inside, just always outside.
Or, I need to go to the gas station.
I need to do this, I need to do that.
And I was like, okay.
One day I went outside to tell him something and he throws something.
He's standing in the door of his truck and he throws something.

(19:09):
He's like, okay, come on, let's go.
And he pulls me inside to go back in.
I was like, okay.
So we're in the kitchen at that point.
And I was like, let me go out there, because that was really weird.
And I go out there and it's like a foil wrapper and it was heroin, but I'm naive.
I've never seen heroin.
I was like, looked like burnt bubble gum, you know?

(19:30):
And it's in a foil, like a bubble gum wrapper.
So I'm like thinking like, oh, okay, that's weird.
And I just like put it back and I'm like, wait, no, like that has to be something.
He threw it in here.
So I went in with it.
Yeah.
So I like grabbed it and I go back inside and I was like, what is this?
and his face just like completely changed.
And he was like, it's nothing, it's nothing.

(19:52):
It's like, I don't even remember what he said.
And I was like, okay, then I'm going to flush it down the toilet.
And then he was like, no, please no.
just, you know, trying to take a drug addict's drugs away is it was.
Yeah.
So, and I was like, okay, then you need to tell me everything or this is like going downthe toilet.
And that's when I found out that whole thing about the bathroom.
And at this point, I want to say it was maybe a month, two months.

(20:18):
yeah, it was, I mean, here I am with a toddler and I'm pregnant with baby number two.
Everything.
That was like the beginning of the end because at that point everything changed.
Like I, I could never trust him.
You know, he's going to work.
like, are you really going to work?
Um, I became crazy.

(20:39):
It was bad.
And that probably didn't help the situation, but.
I didn't know what else to do, you know?
And I mean, I feel like I was played so many times, because even after that, he's like,OK, I'll stop.
And I'm like, OK, you need to stop.
So he goes through this detox.

(21:02):
And he's telling me how he can do it at home.
And it'll last a couple of days and blah, blah, blah, this stuff.
I'm like, OK.
At this point, my sister's in town because she came to visit me.
So I tell her because I'm like, okay, like Eric's in the room, like detoxing.
I'm like, so she's helping me watch.

(21:22):
sick.
it was like for a day maybe.
And then I remember at night he like got up.
He was like, okay, like that's it.
I'm better.
And I didn't know.
And um fast forward like a few months later, I found out again, he was like, yeah, I neverstopped.
I was just gonna say he probably took just a little bit so he wasn't withdrawing.

(21:44):
Yeah, and then I had my son.
Yeah, I had my son.
And after that is when I went through a real detox with him and holy shit.
Yeah, it's no joke.
Did he go somewhere?
God, you guys did it home.

(22:05):
Yes.
So that was another frustrating thing about it is like, mean, I called and called everyplace I could possibly call and they're like, he can't come in until he's like two days or
something like without using two or three days and he's already like in detox.
And I was like, I have a two year old and a newborn literally like two days old.

(22:26):
It's like, I need help.
And at this point his mom knew cause
She knew about his addiction, know, like before I even met him and stuff.
Um, so she was there, like, she would come over like after work and stuff, but she waslike really the only person that knew like other than my sister, but my sister lived in

(22:48):
California.
So it wasn't like something I could just some, you know, like come over and help me.
And I mean, his whole life, his addiction was kind of kept a secret.
No one really knew.
other than like his mom, his best friend that like lived next door and um like close, Ithink just like his really good friends and his mom.

(23:12):
He doesn't have a big family to begin with, but yeah, so it was always just kept a secret.
So, you know, here I am and that's just what I know is like, don't tell anyone.
And I don't tell anyone.
So I didn't like my family didn't know.
Nobody, nobody knew.
And the crazy thing is

(23:33):
like living with all this on your own too.
And the crazy thing is that he like, so we were together all, I to say like six years.
So the six years we were together, um, he was actively using, we'll say maybe for a year,like 10 months to 12 months, cause he'd go on and off and on.

(23:57):
Um, but yeah, I never, I never told anyone and, um, that sucked.
And I just remember like,
You know, here I am, um a mom, like new mom.
who struggles with depression already.
Depression already Yeah, my husband is an addict and Like I said, I did become reallycrazy like to the point where like, know He'd be like I'm gonna go here and there and here

(24:32):
and there and I'll be like, okay Like I'm coming with you, know, like when he had aniPhone I had his location and I became so crazy to the point where he literally switched
his phone to an Android so I couldn't
Yes, that's how I'm at it.
But he created that.
Yeah, it was bad and like, it's funny too, because Connor, his best friend, um he's nowdating my cousin, so he's, you family now.

(25:00):
But I always joke with him.
I'm like, I know you guys would talk shit about his crazy wife.
And I was like, I know you would.
And I said, but I didn't care because there was a reason for that.
You know, like there was a reason for me doing what I did.
Yeah, like maybe I went a little too far sometimes, but it's like I've
Think that's like human nature though.

(25:21):
Yeah, anybody's going to yeah regardless of the circumstances.
Yeah, like if you can't trust You are gonna drive yourself crazy.
Yeah, especially if he's still leaving and going.
Mm-hmm.
How would you not?
I would do the same thing.
Yeah for sure
Like, yeah, how can you not do that?
I mean, yeah, it was it was so hard to not and I remember to like afterwards when he wasclean.

(25:45):
ah I would still struggle like, you know, because he would still drink.
And.
Like I said before, like I was a big partier and I liked to drink to like I enjoyeddrinking like with my dinner or, you know, just having a right.
And once after all of that, I completely stopped because I didn't want to be the reasonwhy he was drinking.

(26:11):
I never wanted it to be like, oh, well, you're having a beer, so I'm going to do it too.
I gave up that part of me because I didn't want to be the reason why or an excuse as towhy.
But I was OK with that because I wanted to support him.
But that was a constant fight.
It's like, you can't be doing this because

(26:33):
It always leads back to that.
Like one bad night, you're having a bad day, whatever, and you're drinking shit.
I'll just get a little of the other.
So easy for you to do.
It sucked, that was like the biggest fight.
And yeah, I would ask, especially when his eyes looked, because he had really light blueeyes, so even if he came home super tired, his eyes are red, and I'd be like, are you

(26:58):
high?
And I'm looking in his eyes, and he'd always tell me, you asking me that makes me wanna goget high.
And I'm like, that's not fair.
It's really not fair.
I'm home here, and we did end up having a third kid, so.
I'm home watching our kids and I like that is a thought in my mind every day.

(27:19):
Like is he coming home?
Right.
You know, like
Did he ever go to any kind of treatment or therapy?
So he did before we met.
um He went to a couple of rehabs, I think.
um Therapy was really hard for me to get him to go to.
um So like I said, his dad died when he was five.

(27:42):
And I think he had not so great experiences with therapy as a child.
And I think he was kind of like forced to
go and like do things so he would always be like, no, it's like my decision and I don'twant to.
Right.
So towards the end of his life, like actually the in October of 2022, so a few monthsbefore he died, I did finally get him to say yes to couples therapy.

(28:12):
was through better help.
So it was over the phone.
Okay, I was like, it's fine.
It's better than nothing.
And it did it did help him.
After we did the couples therapy, I was like, think it's a good idea if like you try anddo it on your own because you have a lot of trauma like just yourself and he did he
started going.
ah
Now during this time when he's like using, not using, you're having, you know, you're onyour third baby, was he there for their births?

(28:39):
Was he attentive?
Yes.
You know, in all those ways?
yes.
um Eric was the best dad, the best dad ever.
That is one thing that everyone will tell you, like regardless of, you know, like if hewas using or not.

(29:03):
I mean, the whole time he was using, like, and it wasn't a lot, like months at a time, emyou know, like we'd still be around like, like my parents, I'm telling you, they never
knew and my family never knew.
And he was such a high functioning addict.
he was the best dad, like even in those moments where he was using, like he never, after Icaught him that one time, he wouldn't, he never would use at home.

(29:33):
I mean, it doesn't make a difference.
He'd still go drive out and do it, but yeah, he was literally the best dad.
And he would always say like, I want to be the dad that I did not have for these kids.
And he was.
I always, always say he was the better parent because he was so patient.

(29:53):
I mean, kids can be little shits.
He was like, he would never get mad at them.
He was always so patient with them.
He was the dad that was on the floor playing Barbies with Emmy for hours.
um
Yeah, he was a really good dad.
And that's like the hardest part now is I know what they're missing.

(30:16):
But those kids were his entire world.
It's such a void that like as a parent, because I experienced that too, you know, manyyears ago, you just always feel so bad for what they're missing because you know, you

(30:36):
know, you knew him as a person, like as a husband and how he was with you.
You got to see how he was with them.
And it's just like, you constantly mourn that.
Yeah.
Like, you know, if there's somebody else, yes.
Yeah, it's still not a person.
You're not your person was.
Yeah.
And it's just.

(30:57):
Yeah, it sucks.
That's definitely the worst part.
And yeah, he was like all about it.
He loved being a dad.
It was like his favorite thing.
you know how like there's certain things like, for example, someone will be like, Oh,like, do you want to go camping?
Like, let's go camping.
Okay.
And you have like a two year old and a newborn.
So you're like, no, I don't, I don't think that's a good idea.

(31:19):
Or like doing things that you wouldn't do with babies.
Eric would always be like, let's do it.
Like, we're not gonna let having kids stop us.
Like, kids can do these things with us, you know?
And I was like very anxious.
I was an anxious mom and I was like afraid of like everything.
And he wasn't, he was just like, let's do it, let's go.
Like, he'd go on hikes, he would take them camping.

(31:40):
He'd do all these things and like, he would never, ever, ever let that stop them.
He like enjoyed that.
He enjoyed having his kids do all the things that he loved.
And he would always say like, I can't wait until they're older and like, we can do this,this and that.
And I can teach them how to do this.
And like so excited.
He'd always have Emmy in the garage with him, like doing all the, yeah, like changing theoil, like switching the tires.

(32:05):
Like I have videos of her like wrenching stuff with him.
And it was like, yeah, they were always together.
Like it was never like a no, like this isn't for kids.
It was like a yes, come on.
Like I'll show you how to do it.
And like it was, it was the best thing ever.
And about, it's funny, cause like a week, not even a week before he died.

(32:29):
I remember we put the kids down for a nap and we were like sitting out in the porch and wewere just chit chatting and I think I said, what's your, what's your favorite thing about
me?
Or he said it, I can't remember.
So we're sitting there telling each other our favorite things.
And I go, my favorite thing about you is how good of a parent you are.

(32:50):
I said, you are so patient and you are so good with him.
Like I just hope to be that way one day, because that's like my favorite thing.
And I'm glad I told him, I mean, I constantly told him how much we appreciated him and howmuch of a good dad he was, but it really was my favorite thing about him.
He was so good.
He probably still struggle all the time with being mad at him.

(33:15):
Like you were all these things.
Why?
Why?
Yes.
Yeah, so that, em someone actually asked me that the other day.
em Like anger, I feel towards him.
And I wouldn't say I feel anger towards him.
I feel anger towards other people and situations that...

(33:40):
um
kind of let him down as a child.
um Yeah, I don't know.
never, like, I get angry at the fact that, you knew what you were doing and you knew thatit could kill you, right?

(34:00):
Like, you knew that this could happen.
And we didn't have so many of those conversations.
Like, what am I gonna do when you die?
like when he was deep in his addiction.
I'm like, you're gonna die and I'm gonna be here with these kids.
And it was always like, oh my gosh, no, like I promise I would never let that happen, youknow, like.
So why do think he thought, not me, kind of like how they all?

(34:24):
Yes, and that's the thing I like I was talking to his best friend afterwards because I waslike it just pissed me off how he thought he was untouchable.
That's what pissed me off because we'd watch things on the news about I mean, you knowthis Fentanyl epidemic it's on there and like all these people and I remember like one
time he even made a comment of like um something about how they weren't doing it right orsomething and I'm like you you think you're untouchable.

(34:50):
It like it can happen to anybody.
And so yes, that is the part that makes me mad is that he thought it couldn't happen tohim.
But I also do feel very bad for him.
Because I just think...
I know it had more help or guidance or something.

(35:10):
Yeah.
Yeah.
And um so I really, think that also affects me with my kids right now because I am very...
um
probably still crazy, guess you can call me like that crazy mom, but I can't help butthink like, my gosh, you know, like my kids are gonna be addicts too, you know, like I'm

(35:37):
so afraid of that.
And so after he died, I was like, I'm not telling them.
Like I went as far as calling um my best friend's dad who's an attorney and I said, canyou please get the autopsy report and like seal it so no one can get it.
You know, I don't want anyone to ever see that he died of an overdose because I'm nevergonna tell my kids.

(36:04):
And I guess it was just like, they're so young.
Yeah, and I guess, you know, that's what I was used to, not telling anyone.
So yeah, and.
um
Yeah, that was just like my biggest fear.
Like if they know they're gonna be like, well, dad did it.
Like, why can't I, you know?
ah
Well, this is why you shouldn't.

(36:25):
Yeah, exactly.
Because look what happened to dad.
Yeah, but I see my kids and I'm just like, I don't know, I'm like super protective overthem and I'm like, my communication is like, we're just so open and I always want them to
tell me their feelings and all these things and.

(36:46):
I just wish um he would have had the same thing.
Yeah, so it does.
I feel bad.
I do feel bad for him because he was such a good guy.
He was an amazing person, an amazing dad.
Yeah, I just feel like, you know, he had these demons that he couldn't deal with.

(37:11):
So when he OD'd, was he, had he been actively using or he was sober for a while?
so.
um
The last time he was actively using and um the last detox we went through was on the 4thof July in 2022.

(37:36):
um And I remember because our anniversary is on the 5th.
So I'm literally, you know, dealing with the detox for our last anniversary we spenttogether.
um
yeah so we go through that and that time he actually stopped drinking too so that was thetime he quit everything.

(37:56):
Maybe he learned in that one, you know?
So we get through that and also we actually ended up moving to California in 2021 becausefor, he said it was for business, but I really think it's cause he wanted to get away from

(38:18):
the people he was around.
So we moved back to California and we moved in with my parents for a little while.
Well, we found our own place.
And um so I was pregnant when we moved.
I ended up giving birth, you know, in California, living with my parents and...

(38:43):
This is how functioning he was as an addict.
We're living at my parents' house and he's using fur.
I want to say it started in maybe March...
yeah, March 2022, so March, April.

(39:08):
Yeah, like five months.
And we're at my parents' house and my mom works at home, so she's home all the time.
It's amazing how they can become these little, well usually they lie a lot and they'rejust little chameleons.
They can like blend in.
Dan, my husband that you met, I mean he used to run an entire commercial roofing companyon top of skyscrapers and everything using and just.

(39:32):
It's crazy.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Because I mean, yeah, here he is running his business.
I mean, super successful, like, especially in California, because everyone's moving out.
Right.
So he's making really good money.
um Yeah, he's just they had no idea.
And that is another reason why it was that lasted so long that time was because my parentswere always home.

(39:57):
So like to detox, like, and they didn't know.
So we didn't know like what
You know, um so for the 4th of July, my parents always leave the country.
So that's why we were like, okay, this is it.
Like this is your chance.
Yeah, so every time we did at home.
Which can be so dangerous.

(40:18):
Yes, yes.
at that time too, um that last time I remember looking up a whole bunch of rehabs and ahyeah, his excuse would be like, what am going to say to your parents?
Like if I leave for a week or if I do like he was looking into the month rehab, like whatdo I, you know, like, and what am I supposed to do with work?

(40:40):
Like I run my own company and like all this stuff.
And so yeah, it was just, it was an option, but it never, m
We never went that route.
then you're internalizing all this and you can't talk to anybody because it's a secret andwow.
Did this make your depression a lot worse?

(41:01):
so bad and it made me crazy.
telling you like I was crazy.
Um
So that- so though.
Yeah, that detox was really bad because I'm postpartum what like a few months I just hadour daughter.
um I'm home with him and all three of my kids and he's like going through a detox and Iremember the first or second day that like I think it was the second day that he's like

(41:32):
going through it.
He like comes out of the room and he's like, I have some stuff.
Cause he had a big box truck.
He was like, I have some stuff from the last move that I have to go take to Goodwill.
And I said, okay, we'll go with you.
Like all the kids like wandering around.
And he was like, no, nevermind.
I'll just like do it.

(41:53):
Like when I before my next job or something like that.
So he waited for me to put all the kids down for a nap and he goes, I'm going to go do itnow.
I'm knowing I'm not going to wake the kids up.
And I said, no, you're not.
You're not going.
And he's like, yeah, I'm just going to do it real quick.
Goodwill was literally right across the street from my parents' So yeah.
And so he was like, yeah, I'm just going to go.

(42:15):
And you know, we're like arguing about it, but he like leaves.
And at this point, he's back to an iPhone.
So I have his location and I
go to or he goes to Goodwill.
He's taking too long, but his location says he's at Goodwill.
But I'm like, something's up.

(42:36):
I go to Goodwill and I find his phone in a book.
And I'm so crazy to the point where like, I mean, how fucking bad of a mom am I that I'mleaving my three kids that are sleeping unattended at home.
Right.
And so yeah, I find his phone in a

(42:56):
Bush at Goodwill.
So at this point I know where his dealer lives because um prior to that, like about amonth, I found him.
was like, I knew like the neighborhood this guy lived in.
and I knew Eric was using and I couldn't find him one day and his phone was off.

(43:18):
So I literally went in and out of every single street of that neighborhood until I foundhim and I'm banging.
I find his truck.
I'm banging on the garage door.
I'm like, I'm calling the cops.
Like I'm fucking crazy.
So.
No, so he was he was at that time.
Yes, he was just hanging out at the dealer's house.

(43:39):
Yeah, so and I'm like banging on the door and then like he comes out and he's like, let'sgo and like he picks me up to go to the car and I'm like trying to fight the dealer.
I'm like running back into the house.
He's like, stop it.
Like you're, you're embarrassing me.
I'm like, you're embarrassing me.
Like what the fuck?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Like I can't get ahold of you and I'm literally crazy going through this neighborhood,like every single street until I see your car.

(44:03):
And then I, you have me like banging on and he was, he was like,
He has a grandma that lives here.
This is this grandma's house.
You're gonna get her in trouble.
I was like, wow.
doing all that with his granny's house.
I was like, don't care about that.
I don't like why is he doing this shit then?
And why is he selling you know, yeah.
Yeah.

(44:24):
Yeah.
So back to that time, the goodwill time, so I knew where the dealer lived.
So I start driving that way.
And he's parked at the gas station.
I see him.
So I turn into the gas station.
He's waiting for his dealer.
And he sees me and it's like he's seen a ghost.
And I was like, leave your car here, leave it all here, get in the car, we are going home.

(44:47):
Like I was fucking pissed off.
And um at that point, I think I had got there like right before his dealer was gettingthere to meet him.
um But yeah, he did, he got in the car and I remember he started crying on the way homeand he's like.
You know, like you don't deserve me you deserve better like all the shit that I put youthrough like all this stuff cuz I'm like crying I'm like angry.

(45:13):
I'm like look at like I literally left her fucking kids at home, right?
Like that's not normal.
That's not okay, right?
Like you're this is driving me crazy.
Yeah, and he was like crying he's like but he was like um If you weren't as crazy as youwere I think I would have been dead by now I remember him telling me that

(45:36):
And I'm like, that's...
But I shouldn't be.
Like that's not what I want to right now.
Yes, oh my gosh, but yeah, so that time we got through the detox finally, my god and ah Hewas I was drug testing him constantly drug testing him ah

(45:56):
Did you tell him like, listen, I'm gone, our kids are fucking gone.
You don't stop this time.
Yes, I did.
So, um, and he changed.
Like, I mean, he was like,
he was really trying, because like I said, he stopped drinking.

(46:18):
I mean, I think that was the best we've ever been in our marriage.
And um yeah, we got our own place after that.
We finally found a house that we were renting.
We moved in.
Everything was just, I was like, my gosh, this is what I miss.
He wouldn't fight me on the drug test.

(46:38):
wouldn't like, you know, it was just a thing that.
He knew that I needed for, you know.
So yeah, we were doing good.
you know, 2023 comes in and 23 was his favorite number.
And I remember him like on New Year's at like the clock struck 12 and he's like, this isour year.

(47:01):
Like this is going to be our year.
We've been doing so good.
Like the business is doing good.
All this stuff, you know.
And so
Fast forward to February and I had gotten me and my daughter Disneyland passes because wewere about an hour away.
So em I am on my way to my mom's house to drop off my son because he didn't have a passand he was, I just didn't want to take him.

(47:31):
So to drop off my son and my youngest and uh me and Emy are on our way to Disneyland.
And then I get a phone call from Eric and he's like, I need you to get home right now.
And I was like, why?
He's like, just please come home right now.
Like I was scared.
So, know, like we rush back home and he's high and he gives me his drugs.

(47:54):
He's like, I don't want to do this.
He's like, I can't get myself to flush them down the toilet, but please, please will youflush them down the toilet?
So I do.
And um
Was it like soon as you left, went and got you?
Yeah, yeah.
So that was February, like the beginning of February.
em Obviously now I'm like hyper alert and drug testing and not trusting you.

(48:19):
Right.
All these things.
em And a week before he died, he had a job out to Arizona again.
And I could just at this point, I could just tell by talking to him that he's high, youknow.
And I remember he was like with his best friend, Connor in Arizona.
And like, I'm just like telling him like, you need to get home because I know em thedealer he used to pick up from here, like he was going to get more.

(48:49):
And like this point, I'm crazy again, like calling and calling and calling and I'm likecalling Connor and Connor's like, dude, like stop.
He's not high.
Like I'm with him and I'm like, he is fucking high.
Like I know he is.
And I was like, it was so bad to the point where I even called his mom, because his momlived in Arizona and I'm like telling her, but no one, you know, like what can he do?

(49:11):
I guess, you know, like what can he do?
And so at that point I told him, I was like, don't come home if you're not gonna stop.
I said, I will divorce you.
We will be getting a divorce and you will not be seeing your kids.
Have you ever told him that at that point?
Did you ever tell him that before?
I did before like the last but it wasn't like that.

(49:33):
It was like I don't It was like I don't want to get a divorce and I don't want to take thekids from you type of thing like it wasn't I was never like okay, what's happening?
What's gonna happen and I was like fucking pissed off and I'm like, this is it like I'vebeen doing this for too long you're literally lying to me like I know you're high and um

(49:59):
Yeah, I said, if you don't stop, if you're not gonna stop, do not come home.
We are getting a divorce and you will not be seeing your kids until you are clean.
And he was like, you can't take the kids from me, blah, blah, this stuff.
Like I said, you're not gonna see them.
Like we're not gonna have split custody.
I'm not gonna leave you with the kids when you're doing this shit.

(50:22):
And he was like, fine, I'm gonna call.
blank, our friend's dad, who's an attorney.
And I said, good.
I said, call him, but make sure you tell him that you are doing fentanyl with yourchildren in the house and see what he says.
I said, and then you get back to me.
The fact that he was even doing that around the kids, I mean I'm sure he knew.

(50:43):
Yes.
Like even to touch someone.
God.
Yeah.
So many horror stories about that.
And it's so funny because I never once thought about that until after he died.
It was never like a thought in my mind, like that I was kind of afraid.
know about it.
And so he did.
He called his friend's dad, but he didn't answer.

(51:06):
He did end up leaving a voicemail and wanting him to call back.
But then that night he called me.
like, I'm so sorry.
I'm coming home.
I'm done.
You're right.
I was I'm doing this.
So he came back.
At this point are you like, yeah, blah, blah, blah, okay.
Do you still hope it's this time?

(51:28):
Yes, I think that's the hard part, you know, like...
You know he wants to stop, you know?
And I know Eric, I know he does have a big heart.
I do know that he's fucked up.
He had a fucked up childhood.
know all the bad things that have happened to him.

(51:52):
I feel like maybe I did enable for a while because I couldn't get myself to be a bitch andbe like,
like ultimatums earlier on.
Like I couldn't do it.
I was struggling, but I felt so bad because I feel like he's been abandoned and alone hiswhole life.

(52:13):
I couldn't do that to him.
And I would like constantly tell him all the time.
I'd be like, I'm not against you.
Like I am on your side, but I need you to be honest with me.
Like I can't help you when you're telling me like, you know, that you're not getting highand you're not doing this.
said, I know you're used to that, but I...
I want this as bad as you do.

(52:33):
I want you to be clean and here for your kids just as bad as you do.
And I think that's why it was so hard for me to be like, no, I'm leaving because I saw himtrying.
And I know more than anything he wanted to be there for his kids.
Right.
And I was like, who am I to take that from him?

(52:54):
You know?
So I think that like, you know, at the end it was, yeah, I was tired.
Like I didn't know what to do.
Cause obviously what I've been doing wasn't working.
Like we have three kids now.
can't just, know, Emmy's four and a half.
She's like getting to the age where she is.
She's going to start noticing things and like, you know, yeah, it was, it was hard.

(53:21):
So.
Yeah, but he of course I'm like, okay, like, let's try again.
And yeah, he comes home and again, we're doing the drug test twice a day now.
So
anxiety had to be insane.
It was bad.
Yeah.
so bad.
I wasn't sleeping.

(53:42):
mean, my gosh, it was horrible.
yeah, we two weeks later um is when he died.
And I remember good, clean, clean, um

(54:05):
So was always like usually on trips that would start it like his out of state movesbecause he'd be like, she's not with me, know?
So I can do it.
And this time, so he had an out of state move to Arizona and he had about four in a row.

(54:26):
So he had an out of state move to Arizona.
And then if he hadn't had.
If he hadn't died, would have had, he would have came home for a day, gone to Texas, cameback, I think again for a day, had a job out here to Nashville, back and then another job

(54:46):
to Texas.
So literally the whole month of April was like, he was not going to be home.
Right.
So.
Yeah, it's a thought in my mind because you know like he does this every time yeah Heleaves so I remember um Saturday morning he's getting ready to leave you know like He

(55:14):
gives Emmy a kiss all the kids a kiss and he tells me like I'll see you tomorrow I'll beback like I will be back tomorrow
And so um he goes to load up the truck.
And usually when he would leave on these trips, I'd go to my parents' house, as I didn'tlike being alone.

(55:38):
um So they were like about an hour away.
I'm at my parents' house and my mom's phone rings and it's Eric.
And I was like, that's weird.
So I answered it.
And I was like, hey, and he was like, what are you doing at your mom's?
Like just like super sketched out.
And I was like,
hanging out, like with the kids.
I know.
I just didn't want to be home alone.
He was like, oh, he's like, well, my truck, um, cause he had a big box truck.

(56:04):
He's like, it's overweight.
Cause when you do long distance, you have to stop at way stations.
And so he wants to check the weight before he left in the, he was right by my mom's house.
That was like his way to get out to go to Arizona.
And he was like, is it, I just was wondering if I could come to her house and drop somethings off.
So like to put the weight down.

(56:25):
I was like, yeah, we're here, you know?
And so he comes over and I remember going to the garage and I opened the garage door and Ilook at him and he's high.
And I said, oh, I said, so you had to go visit your friend today.
And he was like, I'm not doing this right now.

(56:46):
I'm not high.
Like, you know, just all these things like BS.
And for whatever reason, I was like, okay, like.
whatever you say, you know?
And I let it go and I'm like, okay, so I start helping him like unload some stuff andwe're just talking like, you know, no other.
And yeah, he gives me a hug.

(57:07):
He's like, I love you.
Gives me a kiss and he says, I'll see you tomorrow.
And I remember he was like, when he got there, he was like, don't tell the kids, cause Ilike, I gotta go.
I, you know, to make this quick.
Like I'll see them tomorrow.
It's okay.
So.
Yeah, he leaves.
mean, we leave on like good terms and he usually calls me after he gets to like hisdestination, you know, he'll, he'll take a shower, get in bed and then he'll call me and

(57:39):
be like, I'm here.
So he drives about halfway to Arizona and I have his location.
So I like see that he arrived at the hotel and
I just remember like having a feel like just a feeling like I said, I feel like I'm reallyin tune with everything and I was like so uneasy and I was like, I'm not I don't I'm not

(58:03):
gonna call him like he didn't call me and I was like kind of iffy about that but I waslike, I just don't it's fine.
Like he probably had a busy day and fell asleep and I had posted something on Instagramlike a reel about us and he reposted it to his stories like 15 minutes before that.
So was like he's he just fell asleep, whatever.
He's still at the hotel.
The next morning I wake up and I just feel like shit.

(58:26):
I'm like, oh my gosh, like something was like, my stomach was hurt.
It was just bad.
It was bad.
And it's like nine, I wake up around like nine 30.
And usually with these jobs, he'll leave at like six 30 in the morning.
Cause I mean, he's an early riser and he has, you know, to get to his destination.

(58:48):
I look at his location and he's still at the hotel.
So I like call his phone.
I call his phone.
He's not answering.
And I'm like, you know what?
He probably just left it.
Like it's fine.
Like, you know, at the same time.
Yes.
Yeah.
And I do have my three kids there.
So like, I have to go downstairs.
I have to feed them.
I have to, you know, like I have to mom.
Right.

(59:08):
Um, and a little bit of time goes by and he didn't answer me and I text Connor and I said,um,
have you heard from Eric or are you with Eric?
And he said, no, he's not answering my calls.
And I text him back and I said, I think he overdosed and he's dead.

(59:29):
And he goes, don't say that.
And it was just to feel like I just, why else wouldn't you be answering me?
You know, like why?
And um I'm calling the hotel, they're not answering me.
And um
Yeah, I call, I text Cole, the guy he was supposed to meet to unload, like his worker inhis, it's his friend.

(59:54):
It's one of his best friends, but he um works with him.
And I said, have you heard from Eric?
He's like, no, like I'm waiting, you know, like the customers, you know, like I don't knowwhere he is.
I was like, fuck.
And em still calling the hotel.
I mean, I feel like I was calling for hours and literally no one answered me.

(01:00:17):
And my mom, I'm like downstairs and we're about to put the kids to sleep, the two youngerones.
And my mom was like, do you want to go to some store with me?
And I said, yes.
But I said, just give me a second.
I go upstairs.
I was like putting my shoes on and then I'm like, I need to call again.
was like, what the fuck?
And I call again.
I call the hotel.

(01:00:38):
His phone is off at this point now.
So then I'm like, that's so weird because it was ringing, ringing and now it's notringing.
So what's going on?
And um I call the hotel and I'm like, what time is your checkout?
It's like two o'clock at this point.
So literally all fucking day.
I've just been, and um I'm like, what time is your checkout?

(01:01:03):
And she's like, are you calling for Eric Sansom?
Yeah, immediately.
And I was like, yes, did he check out?
like, I've been calling you guys and I've been calling him and she was like, no.
So we check out at 10 and we went to his room and we were like banging on the door and wetried to open it and the deadbolt lock was on.

(01:01:27):
um So we just charged him another night.
I'm like, at that point, you know, I lose it and I'm like, yelling at her over the phone.
And I was like, he's an addict.
He's probably dead.

(01:01:48):
You need to call the police and get that fucking door open.
Yeah.
And at this point, I'm like yelling this running down the stairs and my mom and my dad andEmmy, my oldest are sitting on the couch.
and I run downstairs and I run around the corner out of the garage.
I was gonna get in the car and fucking drive there.

(01:02:10):
And the lady on the phone too, she was like, my gosh, my gosh.
She says, I wish you would have called me sooner.
I said, I've been fucking calling you guys since I woke up this morning.
I wish you would have picked up sooner.
I could not believe she said that to me.
And then she was like, well, I need to call you back.

(01:02:31):
And she like hung up to, you know, call the police.
And I'm like, my parents obviously follow me outside and they're like, who are you talkingabout?
Who are you talking about?
Who's an addict?
Who's dead?
Like all this stuff, because they don't know.
They have no idea.
So here I am, like then my dad sits me down in the garage, like, cause I'm freaking thefuck out at this point.

(01:02:58):
And yeah, they're like asking me these questions and I'm like, Eric, he's an addict andhe's dead.
Like, I just know he's dead.
And I look up and uh or like my mom asks me something and I just remember yelling like,he's dead.
And I look up and Emmy standing right there.
And I was like, my God, I need to fucking get my shit together.

(01:03:18):
And my mom like took her inside.
ah And when I was like saying that
Like when my dad was like asking me like, who are you talking about?
Like who's an addict?
And I don't think she was there, but again, I don't know.
It was like all a blur.
And you know, my dad's like there trying to calm me down and I'm like, I need to callback.

(01:03:40):
Like this bitch doesn't have my number.
She just comes up on me.
you know, and so yeah, we call back.
My dad called back for me and gave them my phone number.
And she said how she called, you know, so like when the officer's there, um, she'll havethem call us back.

(01:04:03):
And I remember, um, I'm like outside with my dad and I feel like it took forever.
Like it was like a million years and I called Connor and I told him the situation and Icalled his mom and I told her the situation, you know, not knowing yet, cause they didn't
call me back yet.

(01:04:24):
And yeah, she calls me back.
And my dad is, I mean, my poor dad, like, imagine, you know, you're, you don't want yourkids to hurt, you know?
So he's like trying to answer the phone for me.
And I remember I'm like, dad, you can't save me from this.
It's like, you can't, there's nothing you can do.

(01:04:45):
So give me the phone.
And he gives me the phone and it's the officer and she's like,
Like who am I speaking to and is this his wife and I was like, yes This is Adriana and Iwas like Are you with him and she's like, yes, I am and I'm like, okay, like where is he?
What is he doing?

(01:05:06):
Like what is he?
Where is he?
Is he alive?
like where is and I'm just like asking over and over so I'm not giving her room to talkand Then at the end I'm like is he dead and there's just like a
what felt like forever and she's like, yes ma'am, he's deceased.
And I just lose it.
And I was like, I have three kids.

(01:05:27):
What the fuck am I supposed to do?
And I think she started crying.
You could hear it that she, know, and em yeah, at that point it's like kind of a blur, butI was like, okay, like I'm driving down there.
Like I'm going, I want to see him because he was just here.

(01:05:48):
Like, you know.
Yeah.
And she's like, no, like the funeral home is gonna come and transfer him and like all thisstuff.
And um at this point, obviously they still didn't tell me like, cause I think I evenasked.
where later on she called me back, I can't remember, it was all a blur, but I was like,can you tell me anything?

(01:06:11):
Where was he?
Was he laying on the bed?
What was he doing?
Was he in the bathroom?
Did you find anything?
Were there drugs?
Were there anything?
And she was like, I can't tell you any of that.
And I was like, why?
She's like, yeah, she wouldn't tell me.
And I was like, that's so fucking weird.
the next day, I'm...

(01:06:35):
you know, they have him at a funeral home at that.
It was in Arizona.
He had just crossed the border.
So he did, he died in Arizona.
And um after like telling my mother-in-law and stuff, she knew someone who like ran afuneral home where we used to live.
And she was like, I know they'll take care of him.
Like if you want to take him to that funeral home, like it's people we know, so they'lltake care of him and like be respectful and stuff.

(01:07:03):
So I was like, okay, whatever.
Like, you know, and so uh I call the funeral home that took him that like went to pick himup to tell them that, you know, like to give the transfer or whatever.
And I'm like asking the lady, I'm like, so were you there?
Like, were you the one that picked him up?
And she was like, Oh, no, this other guy, whatever.

(01:07:25):
Yeah.
And at this point, it's so that'll happen on a Sunday.
And by the time it's all over and I find out, it's really like six o'clock, I think.
um So I was telling her, I'm going to drive out there.
And she's like, no, there's no point, but you can drive in tomorrow to pick up hisbelongings and the box truck that's full of a customer's things.

(01:07:56):
So um my dad and my brother go with me and they drive me out there.
and we go pick up all his stuff.
And so that's when I called the funeral home and I'm like asking her questions like, wherewas he?
Like, you know, can you tell me where they found him?
Like, were there any drugs, any of this stuff and blah, blah, blah?

(01:08:18):
And she was like, let me call you back.
I'll call him and ask him the guy that went to pick him up.
So she calls me back and she's like, yeah, so she said that he was in the bathroom.
And he was found in like the praying position and um that it looked like he had like stuffcoming out of his mouth.

(01:08:44):
And I was like, like what, like foam?
She was like, yeah, I think like he was vomiting.
And I was like, okay, so were there drugs in the bathroom?
And she was like, let me call you back.
And I'm like, okay.
then- Time is slowly- Yes.
uh
And then the officer calls me.

(01:09:04):
She goes, so I've heard you've been like calling around and asking questions.
And I'm like, yeah, because you don't fucking tell me anything.
Right.
You know, like I didn't say it like that, but I'm like, yeah, you didn't tell me.
Like my husband just died.
I would like a little bit of information, you know, like, mean, Yeah.
Like, and she told me, she was like, okay, like we, you know, he was in the bathroom.

(01:09:26):
He was found in a praying position.
Um, we did find paraphernalia.
There was like a.
white rock-like substance on the counter.
She obviously didn't know what it was yet, because they, you know, they took it in.
Yeah, I tested it.
And she was like, so it does look like an overdose.

(01:09:47):
And I was like, thank you.
That's all I wanted to know.
And um yeah, so I go and pick up his stuff.
I go get the box truck.
em One of my uncles went to to like pick it up and drive it I mean my family reallyrallied behind me when I needed them so that I'm forever grateful for that, but Yeah, I

(01:10:13):
just I think I was in shock, you know, like this can't be real And I just remember like Iwas like I need to see his body like that I just need to see it means I don't believe any
of this is happening and um I
I I got to see his body a few days after it was on a Thursday.
That Thursday afterwards and...

(01:10:36):
Did you have, like, I remember when my first husband died.
It was right around Christmas, right after Christmas, but between that and New Year's.
And I just remember, kind of like, you're like, want to see him.
Like, I hadn't seen him since they took him off life support.
And it was just the weirdest, most Twilight Zone type of thing to where you're, just want,I...

(01:11:04):
was kind of excited.
I wanted to see him again.
You know, like I needed to see him.
But it was like weird.
I like couldn't wait.
But yeah, yeah.
So like, yeah, it felt like forever.
Cause you know, like this happened on Sunday.
I don't get to see him till Thursday.
And I remember too, like, his mom kind of tried to talk me out of it because she has beenthrough something similar.

(01:11:30):
Her husband died when she was in her thirties.
Um, and she didn't, I guess she didn't try and talk me out of it, but she was just warningme.
She was like, um,
I did see my husband when he died and it kind of haunts her till this day.
But also at the same time, he died of cancer and they get very...

(01:11:55):
like they retain a lot of fluid and so they get very bloated.
So that is something she told me too, like he didn't even like I didn't recognize him andI just wish that wasn't like you know the last thing that I like remember.
but cancer is different.
Not that the death is weighed any differently, but when someone dies of cancer, you kindof have time to prepare, not like a sudden they're gone and never said bye or anything

(01:12:25):
like that.
And that's exactly what I said.
I said, no, um I just saw Eric and he was fine.
Perfectly healthy.
If I don't see him, I would probably go the rest of my life thinking he was still aliveout there.
Like there's no way I could have not seen him.
Like I was like, no, like this is a sick joke in my mind still.

(01:12:47):
So it's not going to be real until I see him.
And yeah, so I was like, there's no way.
And I remember my dad too, again, he's worried about me and he's like, are you sure youwant to do this?
And I'm like, yes.
And when I make up my mind, I make up my mind.
So I'm like, yeah, I'm going to do it.
And I'm so thankful that I did because it did put my mind at ease.

(01:13:12):
And also, it was the weirdest feeling when I saw him.
I felt him.
I felt his presence around me.
but I also felt like this peace, like so much peace, and it made me so sad, because I'mlike, this man has been fighting his whole life.

(01:13:35):
And I feel like this is the most peaceful he's ever been.
Like, it's so weird to say, because he's dead, but.
It's not though.
Yeah, it's not weird.
It's just he really has been fighting so many demons for so long and he struggled andstruggled and struggled.
And so that did like make me feel a little better.

(01:13:57):
ah But man, it was hard.
Like I remember touching like every inch of his body, just kissing him.
I'm like, maybe I'll kiss him back to life.
know, I'm like, yeah, it was, it was.
you're still bargaining and still, I'll do this and just God or whatever.
Like whatever, just make him come back.

(01:14:18):
Yeah.
Yeah, and it was, that was, mean, I'm so glad I saw him, but it was hard to leave.
Like I did not want to leave, but yeah.
And then after that, um, I cremated him.
uh
the kids never saw him?
No.
No, and I don't think I would have left.

(01:14:40):
He looked good.
Like he did look good.
I have a picture of him.
So later on, if they want to see that, can.
They're so little.
That's the thing.
And I didn't want that to be, like, I don't know.
just, my son was two and a half.
um So he didn't understand.
He didn't get it.
He literally asked me like every single day for a year if dad was coming home and I'd haveto repeat, he's dead.

(01:15:05):
He's dead.
He's every single day.
and we'd like see a box truck and be like, I told you daddy's coming home, he's on hisway.
And then like, no, he's dead.
Like it was bad.
Yeah.
So if I would have taken my son, I don't, he wouldn't have understood that.
He would have tried to wake daddy up and be like, the hell, you know?
And Emmy was like this with her dad.

(01:15:27):
So I did not want to, I did not, I feel like that would have absolutely crushed her soul.
So I couldn't do it.
you tell them?
oh
Emmy, when I came back, so Monday I went to like go pick up, you know, his stuff and wewent back to like Arizona where we were from.

(01:15:54):
um And I was really just waiting for the funeral home to tell me when I can see him.
So they, on Monday, they're like, maybe tomorrow, maybe Wednesday, like we'll let you knowtomorrow.
So they call me Tuesday.
Morning and they're like, okay Thursday, so I'm like, okay I have to go back home.
Like I can't just leave my kids.
And at this point to like, Emmy's calling me and she's like, mom, dad's coming home today.

(01:16:21):
He told me like he but he's not answering the phone and I have his phone at this point.
She was like, can we call him?
Like, please can we call him?
And you know, and I was like, okay, I mean we can call him but he might not answer becausehe's working, you know, but.
So here I am calling my husband's phone on three way, my dead husband.
I have his phone knowing he's not gonna answer.

(01:16:43):
And we get to voicemail and I have to mute myself because I like start wailing.
Like I lose it because my daughter is talking to her daddy that she still thinks is alive.
And she's like, I'm so excited to see you tonight.
Like saying these things that they're gonna do and like all this stuff.
And she's like, I just love you so much.

(01:17:03):
And...
Yeah, you know, like I at that point, what was I going to do?
I'm not going to tell her over the phone, you know, like I'm not that's not a conversationto have over the phone.
Not to mention you probably don't even have a clue of how you're going to even say it.
Yeah.
And that was the reason why I didn't tell them that night too, that Sunday night, becauseI didn't fucking, like, I just remember telling my dad, like, what do I say to these kids?

(01:17:29):
Like, what do I say?
What's right?
What's wrong?
Like, I don't want to fuck them up, you know?
And I remember my dad too, he was like, just don't tell them tonight, like, I'll help you,we can look into it.
He even said, like, my friend is a therapist, like, I'll call him, like, you know, justlet's think about it.

(01:17:49):
But yeah, I was like, I don't know what to say.
Like, I don't, you know, like, and they're so young, so yeah, that, and you know, mydaughter, think she's also really in tune with her emotions because, you know, Sunday
night, Sunday after he died, like my dad called my sister and uh they came over, my sisterand her fiance came over and they're really good with my kids.

(01:18:14):
They're so good.
So they were kind of helping to.
watch them but obviously my kids are wanting me too so here I am with my kids like fakinga smile and like playing with them and then I remember like my husband's dead like your
dad's never gonna see you do this again so then I lose it I have to run to the bathroomand I'm like crying but obviously she can tell that I right and I remember at the end of

(01:18:38):
the night she like comes and sits on my lap and she's like hugging me and she's like mommyis daddy sick and I was like no baby no he's fine
And that always, I think, will eat me alive because I lied straight to her face.
You know?
And but just like as I was saying, I didn't know what to say at that point.
I did not know what to say.
So, um yeah, also, she leaves that voicemail.

(01:19:00):
um So we go back home Tuesday morning and I get home and she runs up to me.
She's like, where's daddy?
Like when I tell you that they were like, he would take her to work sometimes.
Like they were so attached by the hip.
was obsessed like daddy's girl to the extreme.
And he was the same way.

(01:19:21):
Like he would want to take her everywhere.
They would go golfing literally every day.
went to the really yes.
Like they were together every single day all day.
It was like the cutest relationship ever.
And so
Yeah, she runs up to me.
like, where's daddy?
He was supposed to be here yesterday.
Where is he?
Is he home?

(01:19:41):
Because we're at my parents' house.
So she's thinking dad's at home at our house.
She's like, let's go.
And I'm like, OK.
I mean, I was like, let's go upstairs real quick.
And I did not want anyone to be around me.
em When I told her, just wanted it to be me.
And so we go up there, and she's really excited.

(01:20:02):
And I sit down, and I said, I have something really sad to tell you.
and she like looks at me confused and I said daddy is not coming home daddy's dead whichmeans his heart stopped beating his body is no longer working he can't eat he can't see he

(01:20:25):
can't talk you know she's four and a half so i'm trying to
Explain it in a way where she can't she knows that he can't do anything, you know, I'mlike so he's not breathing he's not
And she looks at me and she's like, well, how long is he gonna be dead for?
And I lost it.

(01:20:49):
And I was like, no.
the innocence.
Yeah.
It's like, it's not like that, you know?
Like when someone dies, unfortunately they can't come back.
And she was like kind of confused, but like kind of understood.
And for a while, like every day to like, I remember a couple weeks after that, she waslike, Mom, I know what you're going to say and I know you're going to say that he can't

(01:21:20):
come back, but I think if we go to the grocery store for long enough...
and we give him time, he'll be here when we get back.
know?
So like, just constantly having to repeat to my kids that their dad's dead.
And that was one of the things, because I was frantically like looking at how to explainto a child.

(01:21:40):
And that was like the number one thing I read over and over again was that you have to saythe word.
You can't say he passed away.
can't say he...
fell asleep and didn't wake up.
can't, because they're so innocent, the innocence is there, so then they're gonna beafraid to go to bed and not wake up, you know?
And so.

(01:22:01):
I even when you tell adults, you know, they have to say, you know, they're dead.
Because you can't, the thought of all that, you just can't process it.
People know dead.
Four and a uh half.
So, and then he died March 26th and I mean, yeah, she would constantly say things likethat, but I do remember one time too, was his birthday in May.

(01:22:29):
So a couple months has passed and she wakes up super excited.
She's like, mom, today is dad's birthday.
It's a very special day.
So I think that we can be able to drive to heaven just to say happy birthday.
And yeah, just innocent.
Seeing the innocence slip away from her, think has been the hardest thing with this wholething because...

(01:23:01):
She's not like a normal six and a half year old.
Like, and anyone will tell you that, that she's so mature for her age.
And I'm like, but that's not fair.
Because she's from So much stolen from her.
she, like, I mean, you know, after he died, I was not in, like, I could barely take careof myself.

(01:23:21):
Like my parents helped me so much with my kids.
And I feel like she probably felt like she had to step up and watch her younger siblings.
So.
oh
Yeah, it sucks.
I do feel so bad for her and I just feel like she knows so much pain that a child shouldnever ever ever feel.

(01:23:48):
Right.
That's been the hardest part I think in this whole process is not just grieving myself Butlike grieving for my kids because you don't want them to hurt, but there's literally
nothing you can do, you know
I mean, still, you know, and everybody says, oh, time will heal, you know, all that shit.

(01:24:09):
But even me, I'm going on 24 years since my first husband died.
I still will cry even like when I see my grandkids.
um
he doesn't get to experience that.
Yes.
And how much they're missing out, like, because he was so amazing, know, just.

(01:24:30):
And then Kenna, you know, my youngest grew up.
Well, she was six months.
Chelsea was six years old.
And it's just.
Every year, every holiday, every special moment, like.
20 some years later, and I'm remarried, everything I still it's like in my throat.

(01:24:51):
You know, and it's just like, knocks the wind out of you for a minute and you're justlike, tears will just flow.
Yeah, I was just talking to another widow friend about that because you know, like timegoes on and people just expect you to be better, which maybe to an extent, you know, like

(01:25:12):
it's easier to live with or not easier, it's more, you know, like you, you've been livingit for so long.
So maybe you're a little used to it more, but I don't think
The thing that people don't understand, especially when you do have children with thatperson is it's constant.

(01:25:33):
Like, for example, Emmy had her kindergarten graduation the other day and I'm like, fuck,like everyone's here with their mom and dad and your dad's missing this, you know, like
I'm sure like high school graduations, it's the same thing.
It like comes back and like, like it just happened yesterday and
People don't get that, that have not gone through that.

(01:25:55):
Exactly.
Yeah.
Like, shouldn't she be over this way?
Oh, she gets really emotional.
Yeah.
No, it's really
life because this is the first time this is happening and he's not here for that and heshould be like you know all of this that they're missing out on it's like the tiniest
little things that people don't realize it's like you know like our our joy is tainted bygrief no matter what we do right you know like we're so happy for this but it's like like

(01:26:26):
he should be here
feel bad for him and then you feel bad for them.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So that's one thing I feel like people don't understand, like no matter how much time hasgone by, there are still so many moments, little moments where you're like, they're
missing this.
I can attest, 20-some years later, it can still feel like yesterday.

(01:26:47):
Like even his birthday, all the things.
it just, and the judgmental people out there are the ones that drive me crazy.
Cause they don't have a clue.
They have no clue.
You wouldn't wish that upon anybody, but it's like, you're like, God, have some empathy.
Like have some understanding.
Because they do not understand.
There's so many, my gosh, yeah, like the...

(01:27:10):
It used to bother me a lot, but then I started like, you know, like especially when I cameout about like dating and stuff.
um
Like I remember there was this one lady, was like, oh my gosh, like nine months.
I hope my husband can wait a little longer when I die.

(01:27:33):
It's really easy to say when you haven't watched it.
Yeah, I was like, okay, well, you know what, how lucky are you to not know?
Yeah.
And I hope you never do.
Like even though you're so nasty.
you're better than me.
I was like at six months and he was the love of my life and I had two little girls andeverything and at six months ish I started like dating.

(01:27:56):
Yeah and stuff where you know, most people think you should wear black for about tenyears.
Yeah, and move on but They don't feel what you feel and the loneliness is definitelythere.
It's not like you're trying to replace that Baby, yeah
like you

(01:28:17):
I was too.
Yeah, I get it.
what I'm like, you know, I've met people that yeah have started dating six months in fourmonths in or whatever and now they're happily married but Who are we to judge like we
don't know anything like about their situation
It doesn't mean they're still not in pain.
It doesn't mean they don't think about them constantly.

(01:28:38):
You don't have a choice.
We don't, and that's the thing too that another thing I don't think people understand islike the quiet is so freaking loud.
like you go all day without your person, especially when you have kids, you're doing allthese things, you put the kids down to bed by yourself, and then you're there at the end
of the night and you're like, wow, I'm by myself.

(01:28:59):
And it's the little things, like you just sit down and watch TV or just like cuddle up andgo to bed, but you are alone.
And that loneliness feels like
Forever it's it's so you know, like yeah So what if your husband just died and you're notlooking for anything serious, but you don't want to be alone.
That's okay, right, right That's normal.

(01:29:21):
I feel like for humans.
That's normal We want that and for other people to judge it's like whatever they obviouslydon't know what it's like
Not at all.
Yeah.
Not at all.
It's so shitty but...
But they love to talk shit.
Love it.
They love it.
They do.
They They do.
Yeah.
I just remember over the years, like I even feel for you because it's been what threeyears?

(01:29:47):
Yeah.
Yeah.
Like, yeah, that's still a lot.
But you're with someone now that he's he's a widower.
He is.
And I think that that might be a little different.
Yeah.
Like for people because
You both have that loss, both understand.
And I have seen some of the stuff that you post and I thought to myself, wow, I'm anoutsider looking in, he must really understand that she still talks about him so much and

(01:30:17):
does all these things because he lived it too.
Where most people would probably be offended.
almost.
Or yeah, like, you just want your dead spouse, husband, wife, whatever.
Yeah, because I always say like if I had never gone through it, I don't think I would beable to date a widower or you know, like it takes...

(01:30:39):
It's hard.
Yeah, because there is always someone else, especially if they have kids like they talkabout their mom and my kids talk about their dad.
um So yeah, it's definitely been a blessing.
I would say um still hard, obviously, in like blending families.

(01:31:00):
is hard and you know we live in house with five children who are all grieving so
Let alone, you don't get to just worry about the five kids that are all rambunctious orwhatever.
Just big emotions, big everything.
very big emotion.
So yeah, it can get a little rowdy.
But I also think it's so nice for them to all have each other and know what it's like tolose a parent.

(01:31:29):
Right.
How did they respond to you dating?
So I did not really date.
So I think this is where a lot of the judgment comes in.
Eric died in March and I went to something called Camp Widow in July.

(01:31:50):
And it's just like a big conference of widows.
So I went and I met my like a core group of friends, like they're all younger within thesame age group.
Kevin was one of them.
He was someone I met there.
And he lived in Los Angeles.

(01:32:11):
And at that time I was moved in with my parents in California.
So they were about an hour, we were about an hour away.
But I connected with him because his girls were around the same age my kids were whentheir mom died.
So I...
I asked him lot of questions, know, like he was just someone I, like I talked to him everysingle day and it was so nice to be able to talk to someone and be so real, know, like,

(01:32:43):
you know, just tell it how it is.
I could even be like, well, today I feel like killing myself or like, you know, crazythings like that.
And he wouldn't be like, no, you're like, yeah, it was like that.
And so we really became really good friends and like it,
Like Eric just died there was no feelings there to be had you like if I even tried Icouldn't right and I don't even think he thought anything of it too like if you ask him he

(01:33:12):
does say that it was like love at first sight for him But he was very respectful so it waslike he never ever ever tried anything right and I would have never known he Me like that
or anything ah I mean he would even like tell me about like these dates he was going onand these girls he was meeting you know
Um, so yeah, like we'd hang out.

(01:33:32):
We were really good friends.
We'd take the kids to Disneyland.
We'd yeah, hang out.
And, um, I ended up moving back to Arizona because I did not want to be in Californiaanymore.
Um, that place just holds a lot of trauma.
Like I mentioned to you earlier, I tried to attempt, it was in California and now myhusband dies and yes, he died in Arizona, but you know, it was.

(01:33:59):
We were living in California and like all the, I just was like, I gotta go.
And now I'm a solo mom and I have three kids.
There's no way I can afford to live in California.
And I don't want to live with my parents for the rest of my life.
So yeah, I moved to Arizona and it is Thanksgiving week.

(01:34:22):
So I left my kids with my parents while I like moved all my shit in.
And Kevin was out there because his late wife has some cousins out there.
So they were doing Thanksgiving in Arizona.
And I like invited him out to have a drink with me and my cousin and her friends, becauseI was going to go out with them, but I didn't know any of her friends.

(01:34:44):
So was like, can I invite my friend?
Yeah.
And so he came along.
And then I remember going home that night with my cousin and I lose it and I start cryingand I was like, my gosh, I think I like him.
And I was like, I'm a fucking cheater.
And we, I mean, we've never even done anything and I'm like over here feeling like theworst person in the world.

(01:35:05):
And at that point it was November.
So yeah, it had been eight, nine months since Eric died.
And I was like, there's no way like people are gonna judge me and like, you know, do allthese things.
So we did keep it.
on the low for a while, like my parents see right through me so they knew.
I wasn't really afraid of them.
I feel like my parents have always been like my number one supporters.

(01:35:26):
So that was okay.
Yeah.
yes.
Absolutely.
If I did not have my parents, I literally don't know what I would have done.
They basically took over my kids.
And like even till this day, my youngest, she prefers to be with my dad than with mebecause he raised her.
She was like 14 months and he like took over.

(01:35:46):
His girl.
it was like the other day we were talking about, because Eric had blue eyes.
So my son got the blue eyes, of course, and the girls got my eyes and we're like talkingand then she goes, my youngest, goes, yeah, I got my brown eyes from Papa.
And I was like, from Papa?
I was like, you mean your She's like, no, from Papa.

(01:36:09):
And I'm like,
Yeah, they have been, oh my gosh, I really don't know what I would do without my parents.
don't.
They are always there to help me.
Even after I moved to Arizona, was like, obviously it's hard.
And that was something that like a lot of people were like, why are you moving away from?

(01:36:32):
And I'm like, no, you guys aren't gonna understand.
Like, you I know what I'm doing.
It's best for me and my kids.
I'm not like taking them away.
My parents are so hands-on.
They visit me all the time.
I visit them.
And even when I did move, I like told them, said, will you guys still take them once, likea week every month?

(01:36:54):
And they were like, yeah.
And none of them were in school yet.
yeah, and they still take them.
I mean, my kids are there right now.
They're always there.
the oh
did a lot better than me girl.
I moved probably what kind of 50 times?
My kids like 50 sometimes because I just could never I don't even know how to explain it.

(01:37:15):
It was just I don't want to be here and I don't want to be here for this reason So now Ineed to move somewhere else and this reminds me too much of this So now I have to go here
and I'm gonna try here.
I'm gonna pick a spot in Florida I'm just gonna move there with my kids and everybody's inOhio and yeah
But I think that's so normal because, you know, like our life just got ripped and flippedupside down.

(01:37:37):
So we don't know what we're doing.
If I had more money, like, because I was a stay at home mom, we didn't have lifeinsurance.
Like all I had was what we had in our savings.
then, you know, my family made like a GoFundMe and stuff.
So, but I remember there were times where like, I don't want to be here anymore.
Like I want to go.
But I think it's also was so hard for me because I did.

(01:38:00):
I do still depend on my parents so much so I can't be that far.
They basically are the other parent because I can't do it.
So yeah, back to Kevin.
I hid it for a while and then people just started finding out and then I was like, knowwhat, fuck it.

(01:38:21):
And then that was around the same time I started sharing that Eric died of an overdose.
So was like double win.
so you didn't share it until then.
You know and people forget like, you know I think we talked earlier a little bit aboutjust when all of that's over like you have the funeral and You're the widow and then your

(01:38:43):
kids just lost their dad when it's over and I always call it like the show when the show'sover where everybody's like Oh, I'm be there for you.
I'm gonna do this.
I'm gonna do that and we'll always love you and if you ever need anything
But I think people tend to forget when someone dies and that's your immediate family oryour person, that when you go back home, you have to figure out a new normal, where

(01:39:08):
everybody else goes back to their life just the way it was.
I think that that's, I always try to think of people like after funerals and stuff, youknow, how they're probably feeling and you're like so alone and then you have idle time.
And me, I was always...
overachiever.
I have to do all these things and I can't have idle time because then I think too much,then I get in my head and then I spiral and then depression and just it's a vicious cycle.

(01:39:37):
And that was me.
Like I literally spiraled every single freaking day because yeah, I was so depressed and Iwas in bed and I Did contemplate suicide every single day like every single day I was
like, okay like you know and it got to the point where I even wrote letters to my childrenI wrote letters to my parents letting them know you know that I like what I wanted for my

(01:40:04):
kids in the future and
Yeah, it did.
It got down to that point and then I just was like, one day I was going through um
Eric's stuff in his desk and this day was like I'd say the worst day.

(01:40:26):
And my kids weren't home with me because my parents would always watch them and em theywould take them home.
My mom has an in-home daycare, that's what she does for work.
So she would take them and we lived about an hour away.
But after work...
they would both drive back to my house so I wouldn't sleep alone.
Like that, when I say my parents were there, they were like, even though I told them like,it's fine, I don't need anybody like, you know, so they would drive an hour every day to

(01:40:53):
come sleep with me or at the house.
And then the next morning, my mom would have to wake up at like four or five becausethere's traffic, go back to work.
And they did that for months, for months.
and never once said anything or made me feel bad about it or anything like that.
And so one day I was oh at my house and no one else is there and I was like, I think todayis the day.

(01:41:20):
I don't wanna be here.
And I'm going through Eric's stuff and um there's this uh thing that...
They do an AA called like the just for today prayer.
Have you heard?
Yeah, so Eric would do that a lot when he was um Sober or like trying to stay sober.
He'd be like, okay just for today I'm not gonna smoke heroin just for today and thentomorrow comes and I'll reevaluate tomorrow ah And he's the one that told me about that

(01:41:48):
and yeah, he would do it a lot So like when he was struggling I remember I'd be like justfor today like let's just stay sober just for today and then you can smoke
I would do all the drugs you want to do tomorrow.
So um I'm going through the desk and he has an AA book in there and there's like a pieceof paper sticking out of it.
And so I open it to the piece of paper and in his handwriting it says, just for today.

(01:42:13):
So I took that as a sign of just for today, don't take your life.
And I was like, I was like crying and I just, yeah, I felt like it was him like talking tome.
you just for today, like you can do it, you can do it.
So that is what saved me.
um you know, also like thinking about my kids and I'm like, man, they have one parent thatdied of an overdose and then another parent that died of suicide.

(01:42:41):
Like, what's that gonna do to them?
know, like.
It's good that you saw that and you process that way because I don't think that when we'rein it and people don't understand us about suicide, it's usually kind of impulsive most
times.
And we're already in our heads so much and so miserable and just like want it to be over.

(01:43:07):
We want to be with the spouse that died or the person that died.
And people will say, well, why don't they think about their kids?
Cause you don't even, you don't.
It's just, you're not thinking.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You're just not thinking.
Yeah.
Unless you get that little glimpse of, okay, wait, I don't want to do this to my kids.
That's right.

(01:43:27):
I don't.
And then, then you're back to sanity for a moment.
And it just, the cycle keeps going.
Yeah.
And I always say, I remember telling my dad too, like, it feels so weird, but I feel likeI was prepped for this.
Like I was, I was prepped by Eric for his death.
And because, because his dad died at such a young age, death was something we...

(01:43:52):
talked about lot actually.
So like I knew that he wanted to be cremated.
I knew he didn't want a funeral.
knew like, you know, like I knew all these things.
I knew he wanted me to date.
I knew he wanted me to remarry.
Like these are things we talked about.
And um I think there's so much, like he told me all about his childhood and things thataffected him negatively and things that affected him positively.

(01:44:19):
Like after his dad died,
So it's so weird because I feel like I know what he would want me to do in certainsituations because we talked about.
So that's what I was like telling my dad one day.
was like, it's so weird because I feel like I was prepped for this because I know whatEric would want me to do in this situation or that situation, or if someone did this to
our kids or like that, you know, like.

(01:44:40):
So I think that is the reason also why I think about our kids so much, because I don'twant them to turn out how Eric did.
And I feel like I know what he would want for our kids.
So yeah, weird to say, but.
And you like want him to be proud of you.
Yeah.
Yeah.

(01:45:01):
Yeah.
Yeah, so, but it's hard.
Yeah.
When um you guys moved in together, so it's been like about a year or so now.
Yeah, August will be a year.
Okay.
Yeah, so um So we did the long distance for a while and you know at first we were likewe're not gonna tell the kids like, know, But it's it's so hard when you're a solo parent

(01:45:28):
right doing long distance.
Yes, it's you have to take your You know, and it was like our kids have met before so, youknow, like we're not doing anything we're not
kissing or hugging or doing anything, he's coming over, he's sleeping on the couch, likewe're not even in the same room, you know, like we're just friends until we weren't and we
kind of like sat down and just, I mean, my kids were so young, so it's not even like, Ithink his oldest was really the one that could really understand like what was happening.

(01:46:01):
But yeah, and then we started like going on little trips together and then, um
Yeah, we had to decide fairly quickly, is this what we want?
uh Yeah, like, what are we doing?
Right.
So yeah, that's when we were like, okay, let's do it.

(01:46:22):
Let's move in.
So we were deciding on Arizona and California, you know, and I'm like, I don't want to goback to California.
But no, we were weighing like both options and seeing what was better for us.
And yeah.
He came to Arizona, we just bought our house in November.
Yeah.

(01:46:43):
And the kids are adjusting pretty well.
I'd say it's harder for his oldest because she's 10.
So you know, she was already like she had friends and all that.
Yeah, moving schools and stuff has been hard but
Had he just lost his wife too when he went to them?
wife died in December of 2020.

(01:47:06):
bit longer.
So, yeah, but I mean, they're fine.
Like they get along great.
They, I mean, they're like siblings, you know, sometimes they fight, especially my sister.
They're three and four, so they're at that age where they just want to bother everyone.

(01:47:26):
Yeah, so.
I know you guys all just look so cute.
I see you on social media.
Did you start that after he died?
Or you got your follow?
yes and no.
So in 2020, when I lost my job, I like started doing social media and it was basicallyjust like motherhood stuff.
Um, and I had about like 30,000 followers I'd say before he died.

(01:47:52):
But yeah, once I started sharing like my grief and like the vulnerability and all that,that's where it really, it really blew up.
Right?
Do you get a lot of hate?
yeah.
Yeah, dozens and dozens and dozens of messages a day and um really.
yeah.
People spend that much, wow, that many people.

(01:48:14):
Even if I don't post anything that day, I'll still get shit.
Like they just, you know.
That's the one thing that scares the sh...
That doesn't scare me because I really don't give a shit what anybody thinks or saysanymore, but you do.
You know, it's like when people are coming at you, I'm definitely a tourist.
I'm definitely have an attitude.

(01:48:35):
I'll be like, listen here, motherfucker.
You know, and I'll be like, deli, deli, deli.
Or she'll be like, uh-uh.
know, like, but it's so hard not to.
It's really hard.
I knew obviously I was on I was on social media not to this extent before.
So I've dealt with like the trolls and stuff before Eric died.
So I knew like I even told myself, you know, I'm not gonna really go like public or sharestuff until I'm ready to deal with it.

(01:49:02):
And um
Yeah, I just I don't know.
It doesn't bother me like there'll be some days where like I'm in a mood and I'm ready tolike fight back Right, but for the most part I'm like come talk to me in person and see if
you'll say that shit.
Yeah You won't right, you know

(01:49:24):
I know it's always the people that don't have a profile picture.
All fake.
created this profile just to be a And it's funny because Kevin's like that too.
He'll be like, what's their username?
like, why?
It's okay.
I'm gonna tell them.
He's like, you're just so much better than me.
I'm like, it really just doesn't bother me unless it's someone we know or...

(01:49:47):
They're not gonna come.
Yeah, I'm like, whatever.
They obviously have their own issues.
uh
well looks like you have a good following now though.
Does that help you too?
Yes.
Having people that are like supportive, even if it's online.
Yes.
But they're still supportive.
I have met so many people online that are now like my really good friends and It's it'samazing, you know, like yeah, the internet can be an ugly place with the trolls and all

(01:50:16):
this but it can also be very beautiful like I feel like I have met so many people that umFirst of all that I am friends with and that I've met in person and it's like, you know
It's just cool to write people from all over the place
Because we never would be able to do that.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And then I think another thing that really brings me joy, I mean, it's sad because youdon't want anyone to go through the same thing that you've gone through.

(01:50:41):
But I do get those messages where it's like, you know, like, um thank you, like, thank youfor speaking up about it.
Like, I've, I've been through the same thing, but I'm not at the point where I'm like,ready to talk about it.
But like, seeing you do it is encouraging.
oh
yeah

(01:51:02):
And I've also had a lot of people be like, thank you so much.
I've been following you and my friend's husband just died and I felt like I knew what tosay or like I knew what to do because of this.
because people don't know what to Or they think they know what to say and they reallyshouldn't have said anything.

(01:51:23):
Yeah, so I mean, that's hard.
think I just got a message the other day and she was like, you know, like, um my husbandwas a recovering addict and I'm pregnant with our first kid and I just found out he
relapsed and it sucks because it takes me back to those days and it's like.
But I wish I would have had someone like that when I was going through.

(01:51:45):
like, you don't want to be relatable like that, it does, but it helps.
ah Yeah, yeah, and I think that's the reason why um You know, I did grow of followings,you know within the last two years I've gotten over 200,000 followers and I think that's
why right because it's not like the Perfect little Instagram, right?

(01:52:07):
Pretty home and my kids are perfect and right things like no I'm like look at this isfucked up today.
Like my kids are doing this shit.
Like this is how I feel like, you know
Cause you're being
Real and people can relate to that.
And it's also stigmatized topics that are just not talked about enough.
one of the things I wanted to make sure I asked you about was um your ketamine oh journey.

(01:52:32):
Can we talk about that?
Okay.
That was wild.
Because that is something that a lot of people talk about.
We were actually thinking about doing it in our clinic for trauma and stuff like that.
I'm just curious to hear how that journey was.
Yeah.
And like what made you decide like, okay, yeah, maybe ketamine.
Where were you at emotionally?

(01:52:53):
So, I was not in good place.
Like I said, I've struggled with depression and my mental health for as long as I canremember.
I've taken the meds, I've done the therapy, I've done everything.
And I will also say that ah I know it's only the second year, but I know this time of theyear is the worst for me, because...

(01:53:21):
everything goes like back to back.
It's his his death day and then his and then mother's day and then his dad's death day andthen his birthday and then father's day and it's all right there.
And it takes me out every year, you know, like no matter how good I'm feeling before that.

(01:53:42):
Right.
So yeah, I was not doing good.
And like I said, I've been taking the medication and I've been
going to therapy and I just remember like, I was like telling Kevin, I, it's my, my mindis getting so dark.
It's like starting to scare me because I'm like getting back to the point where I don'twant to be alive and I don't want to get back.

(01:54:08):
I don't want to do that.
I don't want to get there.
And um so yeah, I was, I like just frantically started looking.
at things like what can I do for like my depression?
yeah, the ketamine came up and em I guess I was really scared in the beginning becauselike I said, I've never really done drugs before.

(01:54:33):
right and then you're go straight
And you're do a psychedelic, like I was nervous.
And, but I guess it made me feel better because there's someone there with you, know,you're like, there's a doctor and there's no other sand.
But yeah, it's wild.
Like, have you ever done EMDR therapy?
Okay, so it kind of reminded me of that.

(01:54:56):
But there's six sessions and you go in and you're
hooked to the ketamine to the IV for like an hour and then they take it out and they kindof like talk to you like about the whole thing like whatever you want to talk about.
um

(01:55:19):
Oh, you're trippin'.
oh Like, it's crazy.
I've never done shrooms or anything like that before, but I'm sure that's like, you know,from what people have described.
um So like the first one, it was so weird.
like, I remember it's so hard to describe and I would try to describe it to Kevin afterevery time and I'd be like, I know I'm not making any sense, but that's how crazy it feels

(01:55:43):
in your mind.
Like you are just going on a trip and I remember I like the first time um it was like likeI was in space.
Have you ever been on Space Mountain at Disneyland?
It's like a roller coaster.
It's literally just like a black room with stars everywhere.
Yeah, we have, right, Hannah?
I don't know.

(01:56:04):
So that's basically all it is.
A roller coaster in a black bubble with a whole bunch of stars making you think you're inspace.
I swear that whole time I was on that roller coaster and it would stop.
And the first stop was, so when I was younger, I was sexually abused.
And that has been something that I've been struggling with because I did learn recently

(01:56:33):
that once your kids become that age that you were abused, um it brings it all back upbecause you see yourself as a child.
So um and yeah, they are that age that I was.
So I have been struggling with it a lot.

(01:56:54):
And I go in, I'm in this roller coaster ride in my first stop and I get off and it's mewatching over me.
and my abuser and watching that happen.
um
God, see, that's what scares me.
Is there gonna be stuff that I don't want to remember?

(01:57:15):
Yes, but at the same time it's good to remember it.
So I remember at the end, like when I came out of it, I like felt so good about it.
Like it was like um...
Like I know what you did.
Like this wasn't because of me.

(01:57:35):
Like this was you, you were wrong.
Like this has nothing to do with me.
And not because I ever did think like, it's my fault, you know, cause I was a child.
Like I know, but you can't like tell me that, you know, it's cause you did this or youwanted, you know, like it was like, no, like you're wrong.
Like this is your wrongdoing, not mine.

(01:57:58):
I didn't do anything.
giving it back to them.
So it has kind of like, you know, like I lived it and I processed it and then it doesn'treally like it still shows up every once in a while.
And again, I feel like that's normal, especially if you have kids, but it's not in my mindas often as it was.
ah

(01:58:20):
you went into it, did you already know what you wanted to think about?
No.
It just popped up.
Yeah.
had no idea and it was funny because I was like, because I've been to therapy for that.
I've gone to EMDR.
I've been to like extensive therapy for that.
So that was like one of the things I told the nurse afterwards.

(01:58:41):
I was like, I thought I was done with that.
Like I thought, you know, like I've gone through it, processed it and all that, butobviously not if it's like coming back.
So they, what they tell you is the drug, you, like what you see and hear is what you needto see and hear.
to help you process.
You don't go in there thinking something.

(01:59:03):
It's like the drug will give you what you need is basically how they put that.
So yeah, it was just...
it wasn't scary, was just like eye-opening.
Yeah, yeah.
And then the second session, just remember em I was so sad.
It was just like filled with sadness.
And um there was like certain parts of like Eric's death and his, you know, all of that.

(01:59:29):
ah And after that, I feel like I was like so depressed.
And I remember telling Kevin like, I don't know if I want to go back.
But then the last four were like a happiness I've never felt before.
Like it was crazy.
And yeah, so and they also say like the way it happens is um you do past, present andfuture is what you're working through.

(01:59:54):
So like the past, like when I was a child and then um kind of like Eric's death and thenthe present of like what I'm doing now and and like what you want the future to look like
and like what you can do to, you know, make that happen.
But yeah, it and it and I think the main thing that says it like rewires the brain like ithelps you, you know, like rewire the brain so em In the way my doctor said it too is like

(02:00:25):
when I first went in there He's like all your problems are like right here, know Like youwake up and you're like anxious and all your problems are like right here And when you're
done like your problems are still gonna be there.
There's gonna be like further away So I have like room to breathe which is exactly
When you wake up, all that.
Which is exactly what happened.
m You do have to work through it though.

(02:00:48):
It's not like something that's just going to work for you.
You have to develop new habits and stuff like that.
It definitely did help because I was at the point where I literally was not getting out ofbed.
I'd take the rules to school and I'd get right back in bed and I would get out of bed whenI'd have to pick them up at three o'clock and then bring them home and then do it all over

(02:01:09):
again.
But now it's like, I can wake up before my alarm goes off.
Like I can do all these things.
Like I can journal.
I can do my laundry.
Like it's just a little push that I to.
So it's definitely been life changing.
How did you get yourself out of that second one?

(02:01:33):
I think it, I honestly don't think I got out of it until I went into the third one.
So you have to do it, it's all in a span of like two weeks, these six sessions.
So they're like every other day.
Okay.
Yeah.
So it wasn't that long when you were just laying in bed?
Yeah.
Okay.
Yeah.
So, but yeah, was, it's a lot of work too, because I mean, you are doing it back to back.

(02:01:56):
So it's hard and you do get tired like after the sessions, like, because you know, yourbrain's working and like, it's just exhausting.
So you do get like super tired.
uh
But you can function like afterwards.
Afterwards, you have to give yourself some time.
You can't really drive because you do feel loopy and stuff, so you do have to giveyourself some time.

(02:02:20):
But she could go home, eat dinner, and talk with your family.
Yeah.
OK.
Yeah.
How long ago did you do it?
a month and a half ago?
Yeah.
you can tell such a difference.
Do they recommend you going back again?
So it's different for everyone.

(02:02:40):
They send you like this, it's all on an app and they ask you the questions that you haveto answer from one to five, like the depression questionnaire and the anxiety one and all
that stuff.
So to kind of keep track of how you're feeling.
And it's basically up to you.

(02:03:00):
You can go once a year for your booth.
Okay.
um She's like, some people do it once a year, some people do it twice a year, some peopledo it every other month, some people come in every month.
It just depends what you feel like you need.
Yeah.

(02:03:20):
Did you know anybody else that did it before?
No, so I think yeah, I was I was scared I do remember seeing like someone on Instagramyears ago doing it and uh But that's all I remember just that they did it.
I don't remember anything right, you know afterwards.
Yeah, but yeah, it was uh I am glad I did it because I was not in a good space

(02:03:46):
Wow, that's good to hear.
Yeah.
Cause I've known a few people that they've done like that and that, what is it?
Psilocybin?
Psilocybin?
Kinda.
What is it called?
Psilocybin?
That's what, yeah.
Where they do that, where they have like a shaman.
Yes.
I'm like, oh God, I don't think I could do that one now.
Cause I heard that's rough, like rough.

(02:04:08):
I, yeah, I mean, I don't know, I feel like if someone's there watching you, then okay, itmakes me feel a little better, but yeah, it scares me.
So what's the plan now?
Anything good coming up or going on?
You're traveling all over, right?
Yes.
doing interviews?

(02:04:29):
Yeah, so I did create my own podcast and em
I just.
feel like that's also been so healing for me, know, like just talking to people and givingpeople a space like this to talk about their life.
But yeah, I think the plan for now, and I love going around and meeting new people, likeit's so fun.

(02:04:56):
So as long as I can do that, I would love to do that.
ah But yeah, just mainly focusing on my kids and
raising good little humans, you know, as best as I can.
Yeah, so just making sure they know that they're loved and just not getting ahead ofmyself because, you know, I can't help but think like, when you're older, like this, this

(02:05:23):
and that, you know.
and not dwell on that.
That is tough.
And you're so hyper vigilant about everything because of what you've been through.
That's totally normal.
Like my biggest fear is like my kids being bullied in school because they're like, yourdad didn't love you.
you know, and not saying that the kids even need to know how their dad died, but um yeah,know.

(02:05:45):
And I'm like, I don't do well with that.
Like, end.
kind of will tell you like the stuff.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So that scares me.
You know, like...
And I think bullying is getting worse.
So bad.
I know.
I know.
But then you do still need sanity.
Yes.
I don't know.

(02:06:06):
Yeah.
I can't it.
What advice would you give, even a young widow?
Because you're young too.
You were like me, so young.
Yeah, I think the biggest thing I would say is do what you want to do because you want todo it.

(02:06:28):
When you're so young and you lose your partner, I feel like there's a lot of people tryingto navigate you a certain way, you know?
And maybe they are trying to help you because they think this is the best thing for you,but...
uh Like that's the best thing I ever did was like stick to my gut, you know, My parentsobviously wanted me to stay in California and everyone was telling me like you need your

(02:06:55):
parents You need to do this and I'm like, I just knew that wasn't for me But I feel likethere are people out there that especially like when you're in such a sensitive state of
mind It's so easy to be like, okay like to give it right, you know, and I feel like

(02:07:17):
You know what's good for you.
You know what's best for you and your children.
So you need to stick to that.
Like don't let anyone else tell you what to do and write your story for you.
It'll be hard, freaking hard.
And you can do it.
Yeah, you did it.

(02:07:39):
And I remember like moving out of the rental house, like when we bought this house, I wasmoving out of the rental house that I moved into when I did move out of my parents' house.
you know, like I had no job.
Like I was on social media and at that point I wasn't even on social media because he hadjust died.
So I'm not like doing like, you know, I'm not collabing with anyone.

(02:08:01):
I'm not making money or doing anything.
So it's.
It was really just like the money I had.
And then I was like, okay, it is time for me to start working and like making money.
But I didn't know what that would look like with my new, you know, like the page, the waymy page was going, like with grief and stuff.
But yeah, I remember like when I moved out, I was like, I had a moment.

(02:08:26):
I was like, I fricking did it.
by myself, you know?
I found someone to rent me a house, I told them my story, and she did for whatever reason.
She was like, okay, I'll give you a chance.
I never once was late on my rent, missed a rent, any of my bills, and I was like, you didthat.

(02:08:51):
It's so rewarding to know that you can do it.
Yes, there are people that like want to help you and that's great.
That's another thing I'd say if there's genuine people that want to help you out Accept it
Right.
Which is hard.
Yes.
so hard.
But um yeah, we can do hard things.

(02:09:14):
Yes.
Yes.
I think, um, too, because I experienced this, how important people should know lifeinsurance is because like I was 25, he was 28.
We weren't really, we owned a business.
were making good money.
Kind of like how you guys were.
And you just don't think about it.

(02:09:36):
Like, Oh, you're not worried about losing your spouse in your twenties.
and if somebody's not teaching you, don't, you don't think about it.
Yeah, that's a good point.
Yeah, definitely.
Holy shit, I can tell you if I would have had life insurance, it would have made life wayfreaking easier.
Same.
Not that it replaces them or does anything like that, having the ability to pay your billsand knowing you're going be okay like that makes all the difference.

(02:10:02):
Because I always say this too, like, obviously I wasn't working, right?
I was a stay at home mom.
But I think of like the people that do have a job, like a corporate job or like a big girljob, I say.
You know, like, and you lose your spouse and then they give you like how many days tolike...
for bravement, like your three days or.
then you have to go back to work.

(02:10:23):
I would not have made it.
There's no way.
Like I was literally in bed for months.
There's no way I would have been able to do that.
So what do those people do?
know, like it's crazy.
So yeah, life insurance is a big thing because we didn't have it either.
And I feel like I get asked that a lot on my Instagram too.

(02:10:44):
And people are like so surprised.
They're like, what?
Like you didn't have life insurance?
Or they think if you're doing good, it's because you got life insurance from your husbanddying.
I can't tell you how many times I heard that over the last 20-some years.
those are some of the nasty comments I get and they're usually all for men like yeah Ohlook at like she's she's thriving now thriving off that life insurance.

(02:11:06):
I'm like if only you knew right.
Oh I'm hard at work to get here.
Yeah, my three kids, but you gotta think that m
uh God.
While they're probably sitting there, they don't even have life insurance.
Or a wife.
Or a wife, right.
Right, exactly.

(02:11:26):
my God.
Exactly.
Well, I'm so glad you came.
Yes.
Is there anything else that we need to touch on that you can think of?
We'll definitely have Kenna put everything in for your podcast.
Call everybody's name.
Just for today.
Just for today.
the name of my podcast, yes.
Yeah, I know, I felt like, you know, that had to be it.

(02:11:50):
Yes.
Something special behind it.
Very special, for sure.
Well, I think a lot of people will relate to your story too.
And it wasn't easy for you.
None of it's been easy.
No, and yeah, unfortunately, you know with this fentanyl epidemic it's happening more andmore and It sucks

(02:12:10):
Yeah, it's like, when do you start educating the kids?
it's kind of a free for all out there right now.
It's so scary.
Like I said, like my 10 year old, I've already kind of like told her about it.
And he never really asked me how her dad died.
Like she never asked me afterwards.
And up until recently, it was like, well, I guess it's been almost a year now.

(02:12:33):
In October or November of last year, she asked me.
So I did have to tell her like in a in an age appropriate way.
Right.
And now my son has asked me a couple of times.
But like he changes the subject so fast.
I'm like, shoot, I got to prepare for that.
That's coming.
Yeah.
So.
Yeah, and they'll probably talk amongst each other too.

(02:12:55):
then you have the shitheads at school, you know.
Yeah, so I did tell my daughter, I'm like, you know how to tell people, like how daddydied, you just, you know, like keep it to yourself.
I mean, you can if you want to, but that's not something people need to
not their business.
Well, thank you.

(02:13:16):
course, thank you for having me.

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