College Kids on Winter Break: Parenting Sanity Episode 11

Parents of college students who are learning that their son or daughter's grades are bad, their kids are failing or depressed, or your student wants to move back home and drop out of school...this episode is for you. Your child can be successful!!! Listen to the prayer at the end to pray powerful victory over your child. 

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Learn the quick mindset you need to teach your child right now to help them succeed in the Spring semester in university. College can be hard. We can set them up for success together!

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
Hey, welcome back to Can't Fail Parenting.

(00:02):
This is where we come together in a community and talk about the hard things that nobody told us about.
Because let's be honest, raising the big kids is hard in a whole new way.
.999So this episode is for all the parents who are welcoming their kids back home from college.
All the emotions probably have hit you smack in the face and you've got expectations, they've got expectations.

(00:25):
And the reality is, there is no rule for how you integrate them back into the home and then let them go again.
So let's get into the gray.
Let's get into what we want to come across as, as parents. 9 00:00:38,674.999 --> 00:00:49,24.9 What are the boundaries we want to set? What are the rules we want to establish? What are the roles we want to start to step into? And who are we encouraging our child to become? I'm Dawn Heerema.

(00:49):
This is SelfFoundry Coaching for families who have a Christian focus on raising their children to be children of Christ.
This is winter break, and all of your students who have been away at college are finished with final exams, having to pack up their rooms.
.9995If you're a freshman parent, this is new to you because some of these colleges make them actually pack up their room and move out. 13 00:01:11,559.9995 --> 00:01:16,509.999 So it's a little bit scary and overwhelming depending on how far away your children are. 14 00:01:16,799.999 --> 00:01:18,409.999 So I know that they're tired. 15 00:01:18,409.999 --> 00:01:21,340 They just went through their first round of final exams.

(01:21):
They have grades rolling in and they've got, Just a lot of chaos.
So here's what we're going to need to do.
First of all, they need to decompress.
I know that like you have had these huge expectations waiting for them to come home.
You're going to embrace them and life is going to go back to normal and they're going to just be so happy to be home.
.9And the reality is they're exhausted and it's not about you.

(01:44):
That's it.
As parents, this is not a stage that's about us.
I know.
I've had a child go off to college.
He's now married and doing really well.
I have two more checking out colleges. 28 00:01:55,299.999 --> 00:01:56,789.999 I teach high school.
I see kids coming back and forth all the time. 30 00:01:59,909.999 --> 00:02:02,569.999 They've been doing all nighters trying to figure out how to study. 31 00:02:02,859.999 --> 00:02:05,689.999 And let's be honest, high school is not as hard as college. 32 00:02:05,739.999 --> 00:02:08,289.999 So this has been a total game changer for them. 33 00:02:08,689.999 --> 00:02:12,739.999 We also need to let them process the disappointments. 34 00:02:12,739.999 --> 00:02:20,299.999 I think a lot of students go to college and they have this expectation of who they're going to be and then their grades did not match their expectation. 35 00:02:20,649.999 --> 00:02:31,709.999 Possibly the classes were disappointing and they're thinking, Oh my gosh, I'm spending all this money and this is a big one, spending all this money and I'm not going to impress my parents. 36 00:02:31,709.999 --> 00:02:33,49.999 They're going to be disappointed in me. 37 00:02:33,869.999 --> 00:02:34,939.999 I'm paying for this. 38 00:02:34,959.999 --> 00:02:49,499.999 Am I actually getting the quality education that I feel like my money should be purchasing? Did I actually get anything out of this? Did I study enough? Am I enough? The kids are processing on these really big grown up levels. 39 00:02:49,889.998 --> 00:02:53,709.998 Very big deal because this is a lot of money some kids are investing. 40 00:02:53,710.098 --> 00:02:56,109.999 So Give them time to just process. 41 00:02:56,419.999 --> 00:02:57,679.999 Don't be peppering questions. 42 00:02:57,929.999 --> 00:03:01,509.999 This isn't the time to be hearing about all the stories about the past few weeks. 43 00:03:01,509.999 --> 00:03:03,939.999 Like we just want to let them be. 44 00:03:04,229.998 --> 00:03:05,969.998 They will emerge for food. 45 00:03:06,29.999 --> 00:03:09,539.999 We know have the snacks ready. 46 00:03:09,869.999 --> 00:03:15,149.999 This is where it's really good to just bring the comforts of home, the traditions of home, if you have any at all. 47 00:03:15,654.999 --> 00:03:17,754.999 Don't be waiting on them hand and foot though. 48 00:03:18,134.999 --> 00:03:20,94.999 We do want to start to set boundaries. 49 00:03:20,94.999 --> 00:03:24,584.999 They are adults, so we need to kind of welcome them back with love. 50 00:03:24,584.999 --> 00:03:31,314.998 This is the holiday season, but you also want to make sure that they understand they're growing into a new person. 51 00:03:31,584.998 --> 00:03:35,334.999 They're becoming the next level of who God is calling them to be. 52 00:03:35,334.999 --> 00:03:38,424.999 So expectations at home are going to change also. 53 00:03:39,14.999 --> 00:03:45,914.999 So once they have been processing, giving a little bit of time, relaxing a little bit, catching up on some sleep. 54 00:03:46,214.999 --> 00:03:50,644.999 Maybe now, this is when you can start to think about doing a fun thing together. 55 00:03:50,974.999 --> 00:03:56,4.999 I always like to take my child on a ride that they cannot escape me. 56 00:03:56,694.998 --> 00:03:58,825 A good thing to do might be chores. 57 00:03:59,84.998 --> 00:04:07,24.999 Maybe the kids need to buy some gifts for family members that they haven't had a chance to do and you want to get them in the car, get a little alone time, do the things that adults do. 58 00:04:07,44.999 --> 00:04:07,524.999 do. 59 00:04:07,634.999 --> 00:04:09,384.999 Take them into your world. 60 00:04:09,394.999 --> 00:04:21,714.999 Start to help them transition from child to adult in a way that feels normal in a way that you think they would enjoy embracing adulthood, but also in a way that's challenging and fun. 61 00:04:22,44.999 --> 00:04:24,934.998 It's kind of a death of childhood when they come home. 62 00:04:24,934.998 --> 00:04:28,524.999 Remember how small your house looked when you got back from school. 63 00:04:28,854.999 --> 00:04:32,974.999 You walk up to that front step and it's like everything from your past comes hitting you. 64 00:04:33,594.999 --> 00:04:39,124.999 The family dynamics, the discomfort, they're coming home sometimes in a peak moment of loss. 65 00:04:39,454.998 --> 00:04:40,959.899 They're coming back to a home where something is missing. 66 00:04:40,959.999 --> 00:04:45,559.999 Something isn't the way they want it to be, and they have to face that reality. 67 00:04:45,819.999 --> 00:04:47,819.999 So there could be a loss of a family member. 68 00:04:47,819.999 --> 00:04:49,859.999 It could be a change of circumstance. 69 00:04:49,859.999 --> 00:04:51,339.999 It could be a loss of a pet. 70 00:04:51,349.998 --> 00:04:53,29.999 Like so many things could be different. 71 00:04:53,279.999 --> 00:04:54,519.998 You might've even moved. 72 00:04:54,789.999 --> 00:05:02,199.999 So they're coming back home and they have to kind of re acclimate to this family life that has felt really distant. 73 00:05:02,209.999 --> 00:05:03,699.999 And they felt detached from. 74 00:05:03,939.999 --> 00:05:05,219.999 Sometimes they were jealous. 75 00:05:06,74.999 --> 00:05:07,804.999 Sometimes kids have missed being home. 76 00:05:07,804.999 --> 00:05:09,164.999 There's that nostalgia. 77 00:05:09,544.999 --> 00:05:21,664.999 The reality is they're coming home and for something that felt so huge in their childhood, it's now going to have a different perspective coming back and they need to have that time to process. 78 00:05:21,664.999 --> 00:05:26,324.998 It's almost like the death of your childhood and the beginning of adulthood, but you don't know who you're becoming. 79 00:05:26,324.998 --> 00:05:28,64.998 So you're kind of stuck in this moment. 80 00:05:28,344.999 --> 00:05:31,194.999 Have compassion for them, but also guide them. 81 00:05:31,204.999 --> 00:05:32,704.999 This is a really beautiful thing. 82 00:05:33,224.999 --> 00:05:39,484.999 This is a time for parents to really help their kids who maybe are starting to get grades back. 83 00:05:39,484.999 --> 00:05:41,144.999 And this is really hard. 84 00:05:41,154.999 --> 00:05:43,354.999 These kids might have had straight A's in high school. 85 00:05:43,354.999 --> 00:05:56,74.9985 And let's be honest, we are padding grades in high school all across the country So when we have a kid who is an A student, a B student, and they go off to college and they're getting a two point something, a three point something, and they're really disappointed. 86 00:05:56,74.9985 --> 00:06:01,944.999 I'm seeing this on a lot of the Facebook pages with parents for dormitory stuff and high end schools. 87 00:06:02,184.999 --> 00:06:03,674.999 The kids are starting to report back. 88 00:06:03,674.999 --> 00:06:04,694.998 My grades aren't good, mom. 89 00:06:04,704.999 --> 00:06:05,754.998 My grades aren't good, dad. 90 00:06:05,754.999 --> 00:06:06,624.998 I don't know what to do. 91 00:06:06,624.998 --> 00:06:07,464.998 I'm freaking out. 92 00:06:07,494.998 --> 00:06:08,314.998 I'm getting D's. 93 00:06:08,314.998 --> 00:06:09,264.998 I'm getting C's. 94 00:06:09,534.998 --> 00:06:11,74.999 I'm not a D or C student. 95 00:06:11,634.999 --> 00:06:14,744.999 First semester of freshman year is really, really hard. 96 00:06:14,744.999 --> 00:06:16,804.999 Cause it's kind of that big reality check. 97 00:06:17,104.999 --> 00:06:19,184.999 A lot of these kids don't have study skills. 98 00:06:19,184.999 --> 00:06:21,504.9985 Lot of these kids don't have a support network. 99 00:06:21,504.9995 --> 00:06:28,664.9985 A lot of these kids don't know how to read for content and comprehension, and they don't know how to devise study systems. 100 00:06:28,989.9995 --> 00:06:33,679.9995 There is a lot now out there that is AI generated for studying. 101 00:06:33,679.9995 --> 00:06:35,329.9995 It might be time to sit with them. 102 00:06:35,659.9995 --> 00:06:39,869.9995 I'm sure they're already on there, but maybe like show them, have them show you. 103 00:06:40,119.9995 --> 00:06:52,699.9995 How are you studying? What exactly is your setup? So you can kind of help to problem solve and ask them, what do you need from me to make the next semester successful? How can we support you? It's not a time to let them give up. 104 00:06:53,159.9995 --> 00:06:55,419.9995 I know a lot of your kids want to come home. 105 00:06:55,999.9995 --> 00:06:59,139.9995 They want to end this really hard experience. 106 00:06:59,139.9995 --> 00:07:00,239.9995 You have to choose your hard. 107 00:07:00,259.9995 --> 00:07:01,319.9985 It's hard to transfer. 108 00:07:01,319.9985 --> 00:07:02,189.9995 It's hard to quit. 109 00:07:02,219.9995 --> 00:07:04,59.9995 It's hard to look yourself in the mirror. 110 00:07:04,409.9995 --> 00:07:06,229.9995 It's hard to push through. 111 00:07:06,604.9995 --> 00:07:10,264.9995 But we want to make sure that they choose their hard really well. 112 00:07:10,614.9995 --> 00:07:15,594.9995 And this is where it's something to maybe support them in a different way and teach them. 113 00:07:16,4.9995 --> 00:07:19,74.9985 There's nothing to prove and there's nothing to hide. 114 00:07:19,579.9995 --> 00:07:20,279.9995 We love you. 115 00:07:20,369.9995 --> 00:07:21,399.9995 We are here for you. 116 00:07:21,749.9995 --> 00:07:28,999.9985 You are going to be successful despite your grades, your circumstances, your friendships, all of this. 117 00:07:29,199.9995 --> 00:07:31,639.9995 You are not defined by school. 118 00:07:31,649.9995 --> 00:07:33,969.9985 Life is so different from school. 119 00:07:33,979.9995 --> 00:07:34,749.9995 We know this. 120 00:07:35,219.9995 --> 00:07:36,579.9995 So we need to help them. 121 00:07:36,979.9995 --> 00:07:39,479.9995 You have nothing to prove and nothing to hide. 122 00:07:39,879.9995 --> 00:07:46,904.9995 What do you want to become? Who is God calling you to be? He's going to equip you. 123 00:07:47,124.9995 --> 00:07:54,884.9985 How can I help you gain the equipping? That's the storyline we need to fill our kids heads with as they're grappling with all of this. 124 00:07:54,894.9995 --> 00:07:56,734.9995 So that's one thing. 125 00:07:57,14.9985 --> 00:08:00,794.9995 Another thing that's really interesting is kids sometimes are dealing with guilt. 126 00:08:01,144.9995 --> 00:08:07,639.9995 They come home and everything they've been doing on the campus, They know it's not something that mom and dad would approve of. 127 00:08:07,669.9995 --> 00:08:09,899.9995 And they're maybe a little bit disappointed in themselves. 128 00:08:09,899.9995 --> 00:08:15,979.9995 They had boundaries as a child that they've relaxed on and maybe they became something that they didn't really want to. 129 00:08:16,359.9995 --> 00:08:20,989.9985 This is a good opportunity to help them guide them in repenting. 130 00:08:21,534.9995 --> 00:08:24,434.9995 Um, maybe make it part of family prayers. 131 00:08:24,434.9995 --> 00:08:28,414.9995 Maybe you've adopted family prayers while the kids have been away and you want to integrate that. 132 00:08:28,744.9995 --> 00:08:44,170.0005 But the big thing is modeling repentance, talking about it openly, not that you're like accusing them, but be like, I have a lot of friends and myself included who we went to college and we became a person that we didn't always like. 133 00:08:44,500.0005 --> 00:08:46,380.0005 Maybe we did make good decisions. 134 00:08:46,380.0005 --> 00:08:49,360.0005 Maybe we were surrounded by people making bad decisions a lot. 135 00:08:49,660.0005 --> 00:08:52,899.9995 And we felt like we were pulled along, carried along in this group. 136 00:08:52,910.0015 --> 00:09:08,520.0005 But one of the things that helped me stay focused and helped me stay like really centered was learning to repent and learning to ask God to embed wisdom beyond my years into me so that I could really become the person I needed to become in Christ. 137 00:09:08,530.0005 --> 00:09:15,710.0005 So let's have those raw conversations, those conversations that are going to make you really score me, not week one, not week two. 138 00:09:15,720.0005 --> 00:09:28,729.999 These are conversations that you're going to build into, just helping them to figure out how to navigate the next levels of adulthood because this is the period of their life where they're establishing relationships. 139 00:09:28,729.999 --> 00:09:32,149.9995 Relationships become critical in the early twenties. 140 00:09:32,159.9995 --> 00:09:36,209.9985 So we want to make sure that they are really picking and choosing their friendships. 141 00:09:36,499.9995 --> 00:09:56,409.9995 So this is not just like peppering them with questions, but ask for stories, come up with open ended things, like what's the most fun thing you did with your friends while you were away, or where's something that you are going to go with your friends for spring break, or are you planning to do anything when you get back that you might do a little different compared to the first semester, or whatever. 142 00:09:56,484.9995 --> 00:10:11,514.9985 What kind of meals did you have? And what was it like in the cafeteria? You know, just all these open ended questions, getting them to talk about the people, the people that they're with are going to really matter as your child starts to really detach from the home, detach from you, because yes. 143 00:10:11,844.9995 --> 00:10:32,184.9995 They're going to detach from you and it feels like you're losing them, but I will promise you if you have an openness and a curiosity about who they're becoming and what they love and what they want in the world and that you are their cheerleader, but also encourager, but also iron sharpening iron, you want to be like a little bit of all those things. 144 00:10:32,814.9995 --> 00:10:35,664.9995 But if you get to that point, they're going to come back. 145 00:10:35,734.9995 --> 00:10:37,354.9995 They're going to want to be with you. 146 00:10:38,179.9995 --> 00:10:39,179.9995 Not because they have to. 147 00:10:39,249.9995 --> 00:10:46,159.9995 And that's what's so cool about having an adult child, I think, is this really fun dynamic of now they don't need you. 148 00:10:46,539.9995 --> 00:10:47,829.9995 They get to choose you. 149 00:10:47,889.9995 --> 00:10:49,869.9995 And I think that's super, super cool. 150 00:10:49,869.9995 --> 00:10:53,29.9995 It's a lot more like how God's relationship is with us. 151 00:10:53,339.9995 --> 00:10:55,239.9985 I don't have to choose God. 152 00:10:55,389.9985 --> 00:10:56,59.9985 I mean. 153 00:10:56,624.9995 --> 00:10:56,854.9995 Yeah. 154 00:10:56,854.9995 --> 00:10:59,964.9995 Life gets a lot easier if you choose God, but I'm just saying, I don't have to. 155 00:10:59,984.9995 --> 00:11:01,724.9995 God always gives us that free will. 156 00:11:01,734.9995 --> 00:11:07,434.9995 And once the kids are able to choose you, it feels really good, but you're setting yourself up now. 157 00:11:07,434.9995 --> 00:11:13,344.9995 And this is a big one when they first come home between winter break season, like that whole time period. 158 00:11:13,764.9985 --> 00:11:14,74.9985 Okay. 159 00:11:14,84.9995 --> 00:11:17,374.9995 We need to talk about boundaries though, because your kids will make you crazy. 160 00:11:18,304.9995 --> 00:11:19,424.9995 I know this for a fact. 161 00:11:19,844.9995 --> 00:11:22,434.9995 They've got idiosyncrasies they've picked up in college. 162 00:11:22,734.9995 --> 00:11:25,854.9995 They have things that they've been doing that feel very normal. 163 00:11:26,174.9995 --> 00:11:30,144.9995 One of them that could be really small that was one of mine was like leaving the toilet seat up. 164 00:11:30,244.9995 --> 00:11:31,174.9995 It made me crazy. 165 00:11:31,174.9995 --> 00:11:32,114.9995 I fell in one time. 166 00:11:32,114.9995 --> 00:11:32,864.9995 It was like 4 a. 167 00:11:32,864.9995 --> 00:11:33,74.9995 m. 168 00:11:33,104.9995 --> 00:11:34,144.9995 I was not a happy camper. 169 00:11:34,494.9995 --> 00:11:40,414.998 But it's something that like it wasn't done at home before but then at college it got loose because he's living with a bunch of guys and I get it. 170 00:11:40,414.998 --> 00:11:40,854.9975 I get it. 171 00:11:41,204.9975 --> 00:11:48,254.9985 So we need to kind of think about like what are the boundaries? Now that was a silly one but you need to have something that you're gonna die on the hill about. 172 00:11:48,949.9985 --> 00:11:54,409.9985 You have not known where your child was 24/7 for many months now. 173 00:11:54,449.9985 --> 00:11:54,809.9985 Okay. 174 00:11:54,809.9985 --> 00:11:57,469.9985 So maybe four months now, you have no idea where your child is. 175 00:11:57,869.9985 --> 00:12:01,269.9985 Why do you need to know now? That's my question. 176 00:12:01,789.9985 --> 00:12:21,519.9985 Do you actually need to know? Is this a habit now that you've fallen into out of fear, out of control? What is the root cause of you needing to know where your child is? This is going to cause a lot of tension in your family if you are trying to go back to the old way of establishing this kind of control. 177 00:12:22,4.9985 --> 00:12:30,894.9985 However, you may have children in the home who are watching and this child who's coming back from college is the role model and you're setting a precedent. 178 00:12:31,594.9985 --> 00:12:33,674.9985 This has to be done well. 179 00:12:34,44.9985 --> 00:12:37,724.9975 You need to figure out the boundaries that are going to work for your family. 180 00:12:38,744.9975 --> 00:12:43,864.9985 I would suggest hard boundaries, no opposite sex in the bedroom, you know, things like that. 181 00:12:43,864.9985 --> 00:12:47,294.9985 You know, if that's a hard boundary of yours, keep it, hold it. 182 00:12:48,144.9985 --> 00:12:49,514.9985 The being home on time. 183 00:12:50,769.9985 --> 00:12:52,949.9985 I mean, you haven't known where they were. 184 00:12:53,309.9985 --> 00:12:54,59.9985 Here's the thing. 185 00:12:54,129.9985 --> 00:13:00,39.9985 When they come home, are they being quiet? Are they respectful? Are you having a hard time sleeping? Cause this is a fair one. 186 00:13:00,39.9985 --> 00:13:05,179.9975 Like if you're really having a hard time sleeping, cause your anxiety is a little high, first of all, that's your problem. 187 00:13:05,239.9975 --> 00:13:05,779.9975 Not theirs. 188 00:13:05,799.9975 --> 00:13:08,139.9985 You need to work on that, but there's a little solution. 189 00:13:08,149.9985 --> 00:13:09,149.9985 Actually, it's really cool. 190 00:13:09,339.9985 --> 00:13:15,429.9975 You can buy a really cheap alarm clock, put it outside your bedroom and set it for a time that your child agrees to. 191 00:13:15,429.9985 --> 00:13:18,729.9985 Like, mom, I will never be past one o'clock, I promise. 192 00:13:18,729.9985 --> 00:13:22,119.9985 Like whatever it is that they're like, there's no reason for me to be out past that. 193 00:13:22,529.9985 --> 00:13:27,99.9975 They set the alarm to go off five minutes, 10 minutes after that time. 194 00:13:27,639.9985 --> 00:13:30,179.9985 If they get home, they're going to just turn it off. 195 00:13:30,179.9985 --> 00:13:30,849.9985 You know, no big deal. 196 00:13:30,869.9975 --> 00:13:31,959.9985 It's not going to wake you up. 197 00:13:31,969.9985 --> 00:13:37,49.9975 But if there's an emergency and they don't turn it off, it's going to go off. 198 00:13:37,119.9975 --> 00:13:38,849.8985 And then you're allowed to, you know. 199 00:13:39,99.9985 --> 00:13:46,799.9985 Kind of worry not gonna say panic, but you're gonna like, you know, where are you checking checking on them? No Life 360 none of that. 200 00:13:46,819.9985 --> 00:13:55,649.9975 Save life 360 for like when they're going in the city or something like like I live right outside, New York City Like yes, I'm gonna put on life 360 if they're on a date with somebody who's brand new. 201 00:13:55,679.9975 --> 00:14:00,364.9985 I'm gonna ask permission I'm gonna be like listen I want somebody to know you're coming home. 202 00:14:00,364.9985 --> 00:14:00,644.9985 Okay. 203 00:14:00,684.9985 --> 00:14:04,704.9985 Can I watch you? Can I track you like just to make sure you're okay? They're going to say yes or no. 204 00:14:04,704.9985 --> 00:14:15,154.9975 But if this is like an established boyfriend, girlfriend, you need to ask yourself, do you trust your child? Are you worried? Is this a fear? This is, this could be a Satan attack of you having a concern. 205 00:14:15,644.9985 --> 00:14:20,734.9985 So you need to kind of figure out what is your boundary and listen, y'all, you know, your child best. 206 00:14:21,89.9985 --> 00:14:24,529.9985 This is not like every child needs to be treated the same in your home. 207 00:14:24,549.9985 --> 00:14:27,519.9985 No, some kids need to have stricter boundaries. 208 00:14:27,519.9985 --> 00:14:31,789.9985 Remember, the shepherd was there with a staff guiding the sheep. 209 00:14:31,789.9985 --> 00:14:34,19.9985 Still, this is a child who may be immature. 210 00:14:34,39.9985 --> 00:14:38,209.9975 Our kids right now are tracking about two years immature in the prefrontal cortex. 211 00:14:38,519.9995 --> 00:14:40,249.9985 They may be making some bad decisions. 212 00:14:40,259.9985 --> 00:14:42,429.9985 This could be an opportunity for you to see. 213 00:14:43,169.9985 --> 00:14:47,329.9985 I want to let them behave the way they would because I need to know if we have a problem. 214 00:14:47,329.9985 --> 00:14:48,949.9985 Houston, we have a problem. 215 00:14:48,949.9985 --> 00:14:53,449.9985 So we may need to kind of be looking at this, but not every child needs to be treated the same. 216 00:14:53,459.9985 --> 00:14:55,289.9975 This is not equity for all. 217 00:14:55,299.9975 --> 00:14:56,939.9985 No, we know our kids. 218 00:14:56,939.9985 --> 00:14:58,109.9975 We know who needs what. 219 00:14:58,119.9985 --> 00:15:02,164.9985 And some of your kids, Need that freedom to start to become who they're becoming. 220 00:15:02,484.9985 --> 00:15:10,204.9985 Some of your kids need to be checked and made sure that they're safe because we know that addictions can lead them down wrong trails. 221 00:15:10,484.9985 --> 00:15:12,934.9975 We know that some friendships are meant to be ended. 222 00:15:12,944.9985 --> 00:15:15,804.998 Cause Jesus is like, that is not who I'm putting in that person's life. 223 00:15:15,804.998 --> 00:15:17,424.9975 Like we have to be careful. 224 00:15:17,424.9975 --> 00:15:19,894.9975 What if we hate the boyfriend or girlfriend? I did an episode on that. 225 00:15:20,274.9975 --> 00:15:22,4.9975 You have no control at this age. 226 00:15:22,4.9975 --> 00:15:28,64.9975 You can have conversations about it, but it's inquisitive, inquiring, asking them what they think, not what you think. 227 00:15:28,424.9975 --> 00:15:29,734.9975 This is their adulthood. 228 00:15:29,744.9965 --> 00:15:33,44.9975 It is not your job to protect them from getting hurt. 229 00:15:33,44.9975 --> 00:15:38,924.9975 So what is our job? Our job is to be there to help them overcome hard things. 230 00:15:39,324.9975 --> 00:15:42,254.9975 It's a very different role as a parent of adults. 231 00:15:42,634.9975 --> 00:15:45,784.9975 So we want to make sure that we're transitioning our brains. 232 00:15:45,784.9975 --> 00:15:47,314.9975 This is going to be hard. 233 00:15:47,324.9975 --> 00:15:47,854.9975 I know. 234 00:15:48,174.9975 --> 00:15:51,314.9975 So you've got to really think about it and with your spouse, come to an agreement. 235 00:15:51,324.9975 --> 00:15:57,814.9965 Some of you maybe need to be on one page with this because I think sometimes one is more relaxed than the other one and all that stuff. 236 00:15:57,814.9975 --> 00:15:59,24.9965 So be careful. 237 00:15:59,34.9965 --> 00:16:00,94.9965 And let's, let's be honest. 238 00:16:00,134.9965 --> 00:16:02,424.9965 We know we need to have some conversations with our kids. 239 00:16:02,444.9975 --> 00:16:08,374.9975 Possibly about, uh, behaviors that could be hurtful or damaging or whatever. 240 00:16:08,374.9975 --> 00:16:10,224.9975 So you need to be ready. 241 00:16:10,234.9975 --> 00:16:11,524.9965 This is a tough conversation. 242 00:16:11,524.9975 --> 00:16:15,564.9965 You have one month to get them rebooted, rechecked for the next semester. 243 00:16:15,564.9975 --> 00:16:25,664.9975 So go give them a little break in the beginning, and then you got to kind of start to create opportunity for conversation and have inquisitive, open ended questions ready to go. 244 00:16:25,664.9975 --> 00:16:31,574.9975 One of my favorite things to do at this time in between, especially as they get older, it's not just a freshman year thing. 245 00:16:31,994.9975 --> 00:16:36,684.9975 Who are you becoming? Tell me about who you were and what's changed since I last saw you. 246 00:16:36,964.9975 --> 00:16:39,284.9975 Tell me about your dreams and your expectations. 247 00:16:39,584.9975 --> 00:16:54,894.9975 Is there a college professor who's inspiring you? Is there somebody in your class that's inspiring you? How are you setting yourself up up to get into internships and apprenticeships and what will that look like? And what do you need from me? That's my favorite question. 248 00:16:55,194.9965 --> 00:17:01,334.9975 What do you need from me? How can I support you? I'm just so excited to watch you unfold. 249 00:17:01,674.9975 --> 00:17:05,859.8975 This is exactly what I've been prepping for my whole like parenting journey. 250 00:17:05,859.8975 --> 00:17:07,349.8975 And I'm so proud of you. 251 00:17:07,719.8975 --> 00:17:13,649.8975 The words you speak over your child right now are going to have such huge, huge impact. 252 00:17:13,959.8975 --> 00:17:14,489.8975 Huge. 253 00:17:14,699.8965 --> 00:17:17,199.8965 When you discipline, don't call them the sin. 254 00:17:17,489.8965 --> 00:17:21,769.897 We're going to name sin, but we're going to call good things over our child. 255 00:17:21,769.897 --> 00:17:30,429.8975 We're going to Give them, I am so proud of your that, that, that, that you're doing, but also you are beloved, you are so loved. 256 00:17:30,439.8975 --> 00:17:31,879.8975 You are so cherished. 257 00:17:31,909.8965 --> 00:17:36,29.897 I was excited to see you because you make me happy. 258 00:17:36,29.897 --> 00:17:37,209.8975 Like all this stuff. 259 00:17:37,229.8975 --> 00:17:45,204.8975 You can speak these powerful things over your kids because right now, they may not have that individual attention at the school where somebody's seeing them. 260 00:17:45,284.8975 --> 00:17:47,354.8975 So see them, see them right now. 261 00:17:47,364.8975 --> 00:17:48,234.8975 Use the words. 262 00:17:48,454.8975 --> 00:17:51,534.8975 When they're doing things that make you crazy, make sure you're targeting the thing. 263 00:17:51,854.8975 --> 00:17:56,54.8965 Like, I, I've really have not missed the towels on the floor. 264 00:17:56,434.8965 --> 00:18:04,389.8975 Please, can you just help me out? And I want to just walk out of my room and, and just, See, like clean slate. 265 00:18:04,589.8975 --> 00:18:06,429.8975 And I want you to have that too. 266 00:18:06,429.8975 --> 00:18:12,539.8965 When you're older, I want you to just feel like people can walk in this home and, and not be expected. 267 00:18:12,559.8965 --> 00:18:15,149.8975 And I won't be embarrassed, like little things. 268 00:18:15,439.8975 --> 00:18:16,959.8965 Just talk about like what it is to adult. 269 00:18:16,969.8965 --> 00:18:18,539.8975 Like now you're an adult too. 270 00:18:18,809.8985 --> 00:18:21,909.8985 Don't you want a clean house? Like, help me help me with that. 271 00:18:21,909.8985 --> 00:18:23,769.8985 But we're not going to be like, you're such a slob. 272 00:18:25,389.8985 --> 00:18:28,49.8985 We're not going to call them names, so be very careful. 273 00:18:28,49.8985 --> 00:18:30,569.8985 This is a really powerful time and they're listening. 274 00:18:30,869.8985 --> 00:18:35,49.8985 They're listening to you because they have felt very distant. 275 00:18:35,429.8985 --> 00:18:39,519.8975 So find those moments to cherish and to celebrate in your kids. 276 00:18:40,59.8975 --> 00:18:46,119.8985 Um, another thing that is really deep and, and you know, you're going to want to give some space for this one is. 277 00:18:47,479.8985 --> 00:18:52,869.8985 Over the past few weeks, you have done brave things and that's what you're kind of going to start with. 278 00:18:52,899.8985 --> 00:18:56,189.898 It's like, you've done really brave things and you can talk about that. 279 00:18:56,189.898 --> 00:19:01,69.8985 Like all the things that have been new and challenging and exciting and have that conversation. 280 00:19:01,69.8985 --> 00:19:02,199.8985 This is what coaching is. 281 00:19:02,199.8985 --> 00:19:04,929.7985 By the way, we ask these open ended, like. 282 00:19:04,969.8985 --> 00:19:05,299.8985 Wow. 283 00:19:05,299.8985 --> 00:19:07,899.8985 Let's reflect and then let's see where we're going. 284 00:19:08,169.8985 --> 00:19:12,99.8985 So I'm getting you ready for having that goal setting conversation with your kids. 285 00:19:12,99.8985 --> 00:19:14,169.8985 I know you want to have, I know you do. 286 00:19:14,189.8985 --> 00:19:18,629.8985 I know you're kind of curious about where they're going to be and you want to like help them get there. 287 00:19:18,629.8985 --> 00:19:20,869.8975 You want them to level up for the next thing. 288 00:19:21,149.8985 --> 00:19:21,589.8985 So. 289 00:19:21,949.8985 --> 00:19:33,209.8985 This is where you're gonna talk about what, where are some of the fears, what did you overcome that were kind of hard this year? So fears might be social, probably a lot social. 290 00:19:33,469.8975 --> 00:19:41,959.8975 Some of them might've been financial, which they realized that they were operating from a place of scarcity and afraid to take risks and afraid to do bold things. 291 00:19:42,309.8975 --> 00:19:52,364.8985 Maybe they've had fears of weight gain or self discipline issues or fears of, the family forgetting them or friends for getting them back home. 292 00:19:52,714.8985 --> 00:19:54,754.8985 There can be a lot of fear. 293 00:19:55,64.8985 --> 00:20:14,964.8985 So when you kind of talk about that, you can, you can dive into why were you able to overcome it? What did you need in your brain to overcome that fear? And then what do you think is going to be a scary thing coming this semester? What can I do for you? What can we do to help you? How are you going to choose to face the fear and move forward? Forward. 294 00:20:15,344.8985 --> 00:20:18,794.8985 So this is where we're really kind of setting you up for that conversation. 295 00:20:19,84.8985 --> 00:20:22,454.8985 And then you need to talk about next steps before they go away. 296 00:20:22,454.8985 --> 00:20:26,704.8975 You need to get on that website of the college and you need to find clubs with them. 297 00:20:27,84.8985 --> 00:20:28,664.8985 Now they've had some experience. 298 00:20:28,664.8985 --> 00:20:33,984.8985 They've had some things that they've done that have given them a little more insight into who they are and how they operate. 299 00:20:33,984.8985 --> 00:20:37,184.8985 So now we want to get them really starting to niche down. 300 00:20:37,824.8985 --> 00:20:47,674.8985 I highly recommend that you start to research how AI, artificial intelligence, is affecting the career choices that your child is leaning toward. 301 00:20:48,144.8985 --> 00:20:50,234.8985 So this is something that is concerning. 302 00:20:50,524.8985 --> 00:20:56,944.8985 We want to make sure that they are becoming very skill set, skill based, and that they are ready to pivot and move. 303 00:20:56,944.8985 --> 00:21:02,764.8975 So we may want to really earlier the better talk about getting dual majors, getting a minor and a major. 304 00:21:03,114.8985 --> 00:21:05,894.8985 There also are scholarships on campus. 305 00:21:05,894.8985 --> 00:21:11,824.8985 You can go find offices on campus where they have sometimes scholarships that have never been snatched up. 306 00:21:12,484.8975 --> 00:21:19,904.8985 Maybe a goal is to try to bring in some money to cut down on the building costs, especially if there's been any fear of financial issues. 307 00:21:20,204.8975 --> 00:21:21,944.8975 So you can talk about ways to raise money. 308 00:21:22,224.8975 --> 00:21:25,244.8975 There's no reason why kids can't graduate with no debt. 309 00:21:26,64.8975 --> 00:21:26,894.8975 They can work. 310 00:21:27,124.8975 --> 00:21:28,864.8975 They can work and they can earn a lot of money. 311 00:21:29,254.8975 --> 00:21:33,674.8975 So we need to kind of figure out how that looks and they can keep applying for scholarships. 312 00:21:33,684.8975 --> 00:21:36,34.8975 So this is something to kind of encourage them with. 313 00:21:36,34.8975 --> 00:21:40,34.8975 And that's a good time to do it over our winter break is to look for some scholarships. 314 00:21:40,824.8975 --> 00:21:41,214.8975 Okay. 315 00:21:41,764.8975 --> 00:21:42,204.8975 Now. 316 00:21:43,484.8975 --> 00:22:15,294.8975 What if this is all blowing up in your face? What if the kids are hooligans? Can I say that? What if your kid is just rebelling? Think this is a time where you need to have real raw and dirty conversation about how This is a sacrifice for you to be helping in any way, shape, or form, whether it's just helping them schlep their stuff back and forth from college, or if it's financial help or whatever help you've been given, because let's be honest, you all are helping in some way. 317 00:22:15,324.8975 --> 00:22:21,714.8975 If you're listening to this podcast, you are not one of those parents who your child turned 18, they got kicked out the door and they're gone. 318 00:22:22,154.8975 --> 00:22:24,634.8975 You must be helping in some capacity. 319 00:22:25,64.8975 --> 00:22:28,504.8975 They need to understand that this is not a take, take, take. 320 00:22:28,764.8975 --> 00:22:29,644.8975 That's a child. 321 00:22:29,674.8975 --> 00:22:30,924.8975 Children act like that. 322 00:22:31,324.8975 --> 00:22:43,704.8975 So you're going to have to set up some structure and that happens, you know, the pain points, the car, the phone, the insurance, it's really the, the money is where, you know, that the pain point is going to hit because they're starting to understand money. 323 00:22:44,84.8965 --> 00:22:46,44.8965 So we need to hit them where it hurts. 324 00:22:46,294.8975 --> 00:22:50,794.8975 You need to restrict and you can say, listen, it seems like you really want to adult. 325 00:22:51,279.8975 --> 00:23:15,99.8985 That because what you're doing is you're asking me to have absolutely no boundaries or restrictions And this is my home that I pay for and if you want to live under my roof That I'm paying for and eat the food that I put on the table Then we need to have a conversation because this is not a take take take This is now you're an adult I'm an adult and we're helping each other out to reach a goal. 326 00:23:15,389.8985 --> 00:23:24,639.8985 And so I'm breaking generational future poverty by helping you and you are helping me so that I can support you financially in this. 327 00:23:24,649.8985 --> 00:23:26,749.8985 So we need to have some reciprocity here. 328 00:23:27,79.8985 --> 00:23:28,99.8985 You give, I give. 329 00:23:28,109.8985 --> 00:23:29,989.8985 What are you going to give? That's it. 330 00:23:29,999.8985 --> 00:23:37,29.898 We're going to start to ask, what are you going to give? What are you willing to give? And this is where you're going to start to let them have a little bit of control. 331 00:23:37,29.898 --> 00:23:38,899.8985 What are you going to give? And then you're going to come back. 332 00:23:38,919.8985 --> 00:23:39,189.898 Okay. 333 00:23:39,189.898 --> 00:23:39,729.898 That sounds good. 334 00:23:39,729.898 --> 00:23:40,459.8975 I'm going to give this. 335 00:23:40,459.8975 --> 00:23:44,99.8985 What else can you give? Okay, then I'm going to give this and kind of go back and forth. 336 00:23:44,99.8985 --> 00:23:47,109.8985 I mean, if we need to kind of go apples to apples, let's, let's go, let's go. 337 00:23:47,279.8985 --> 00:23:47,839.8985 Let's bring it. 338 00:23:47,839.8985 --> 00:23:49,709.8985 We know that we give nonstop. 339 00:23:50,89.8985 --> 00:23:52,59.8985 So you can have lockdown rules. 340 00:23:52,59.8995 --> 00:23:52,769.8995 That's okay. 341 00:23:53,169.8995 --> 00:23:57,199.8985 And remember that you can always tell them your siblings are watching. 342 00:23:58,159.8995 --> 00:23:59,99.8995 That's totally fair. 343 00:23:59,419.8995 --> 00:24:09,649.8985 It's, it's a reality that the kids are watching and it's much easier to be tighter with the first and then loosen up than it is to be loose and have to tighten up because then you're otherwise going to be making them an example. 344 00:24:09,889.8995 --> 00:24:11,719.8995 I don't want to have to make you an example. 345 00:24:11,719.8995 --> 00:24:16,899.899 I don't want to be raising little Tommy one day and be like, well, you know, Joey messed up and blah, blah, blah. 346 00:24:16,899.899 --> 00:24:19,219.8995 And so I wasn't good about helping him. 347 00:24:19,219.8995 --> 00:24:20,379.8995 So now I'm going to help you like this. 348 00:24:20,554.8995 --> 00:24:21,564.8995 That's not loving. 349 00:24:21,574.8995 --> 00:24:31,44.8995 Loving is making sure, like the shepherd, that you're guiding, that you're protecting, that you're restricting, that you're, you're going to pull them in a little closer, like hook them in a little closer, walk them a little closer. 350 00:24:31,64.8995 --> 00:24:32,524.8985 That's, that's, we're still doing that. 351 00:24:32,534.8985 --> 00:24:33,604.8995 They're still our babies. 352 00:24:33,954.8985 --> 00:24:39,424.8995 They're still young, but we need to let them go a little bit more and they're gonna mess up. 353 00:24:40,294.8995 --> 00:24:41,4.8995 That's how it is. 354 00:24:41,314.8995 --> 00:24:41,834.8995 I did. 355 00:24:42,194.8995 --> 00:24:44,794.8995 Didn't you? So, you're going to get this. 356 00:24:44,874.8995 --> 00:24:45,804.8995 The kids are fun. 357 00:24:45,814.8995 --> 00:24:46,444.8995 They're back. 358 00:24:46,754.8995 --> 00:24:47,994.8995 Enjoy the time. 359 00:24:47,994.8995 --> 00:24:53,224.8995 But remember, give them a break in the beginning and then psych them up. 360 00:24:53,234.8995 --> 00:24:53,884.8995 We got this. 361 00:24:53,894.8985 --> 00:24:54,754.8995 Set them goals. 362 00:24:54,924.8995 --> 00:25:03,104.8995 Set those goals and really get them ready for their future and encourage them and be the one who speaks true life and joy into them. 363 00:25:03,584.8995 --> 00:25:04,734.8995 Let me just pray for you. 364 00:25:04,954.8995 --> 00:25:07,884.8995 Heavenly Father, I thank You so much for the gift of our children. 365 00:25:08,214.8995 --> 00:25:11,384.8995 Even our grown children are such a challenge though, Lord. 366 00:25:11,384.8995 --> 00:25:19,904.8995 And I pray for wisdom as we navigate these waters, I pray that the kids will take what they need from us, but that we will be able to supply what they stand in need of. 367 00:25:19,924.8995 --> 00:25:26,214.7995 But God, we know that we can give and surrender our children to You because You are the one who is going to equip them. 368 00:25:26,214.8995 --> 00:25:26,464.8995 them. 369 00:25:26,464.8995 --> 00:25:28,284.8995 You are the one who guides their paths. 370 00:25:28,574.8995 --> 00:25:32,524.8995 We pray that our kids will lie down and rest by the water. 371 00:25:32,524.8995 --> 00:25:35,704.8995 We pray that they will drink deeply of Your streams. 372 00:25:35,704.8995 --> 00:25:40,44.8985 We pray, Lord, that the Word will guide them, will dwell inside of them. 373 00:25:40,44.8995 --> 00:25:44,374.8995 We pray for the Holy Spirit to push out any of the enemy's lies. 374 00:25:44,394.8995 --> 00:25:47,24.8995 We pray Jesus for full washing of sin. 375 00:25:47,314.8995 --> 00:25:57,114.8995 We pray for a repentant heart and Jesus, if our child doesn't know You, I pray this for all the parents who are very concerned that their child still doesn't have an intimate relationship with You. 376 00:25:57,504.8995 --> 00:25:58,654.8995 It is not over. 377 00:25:58,904.8995 --> 00:26:01,184.8995 Lord, take them. 378 00:26:01,634.8995 --> 00:26:02,784.8995 Pull them closer. 379 00:26:03,374.8995 --> 00:26:11,884.8995 We pray more than anything that all of our children will become saved Christians who love You and are protected by Your blood. 380 00:26:12,344.8995 --> 00:26:22,584.8995 We thank You for this honor and this privilege of raising Your children and we pray for Your guidance and Your wisdom and I pray for joy, joy, unending joy. 381 00:26:22,944.8995 --> 00:26:27,444.8995 We thank You for the hope that we have in You that they have good things ahead of them in their future. 382 00:26:28,84.8995 --> 00:26:28,614.8995 Amen. 383 00:26:29,514.8995 --> 00:26:30,14.8995 Amen.